The Desire to Not Exist
Vložit
- čas přidán 2. 05. 2022
- The Desire to Not Exist is a mysterious feeling. Using Neon Genesis Evangelion I explain why we feel the desire to not exist.
Support Me: / clarkelieson
Instagram: / clarkelieson
Sources:
The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky
The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus
The Sickness Unto Death by Kierkegaard
Neon Genesis Evangelion
The World as Will and Representation by Schopenhauer
The Four Fundamentals of Psychoanalysis by Lacan
Songs: Bach Air on G String; Behelit (Berserk); Pipes (Kane Pixels); Thanatos, Decisive Battle, Borderline Case, Infantile Dependence, Shinji's Theme, Mother is the First Other, Substitute Invasion (NGE)
@Sisyphus55
#TheDesireToNotExist #NeonGenesisEvangelion
"There is no paradise for you to escape to. Go. Go back. Back to your battlefield."
This video took over 5 months of research, planning, and careful consideration. You can show your support and get behind-the-scene details on Patreon: www.patreon.com/ClarkElieson
It was an awsome video, good job
berserk?
Thank you for your considerate efforts, this video is very informational and (ironically) entertaining.
Just saying this is the first video I ever seen of yours and you should hundred percent become a teacher
Battlefield? Thats grim.
It's such a weird feeling to be suicidal but not want to literally die.
how about wanting to die but not being suicidal 😅 just a full life of mental suffering lol
if you know only pain for your entire life it's almost impossible to convince yourself you can get out of that pain. like, you have something like a splinter always hurting you deep in your flesh and somewhat logically you know that there has to be a condition where that pain is not there, aka the absence of the splinter, but you cannot understand that because it's totally autside of you sensory knowledge, you cannot explain the colors to a blind man. and then you are told that the only (possible, not sure keep in mind, possible) way to stop the pain is via a greater, longer pain aka the removal of the splinter, but that's not a 100% way to fix the problem and anyway, the splinter may be back at any given time. so you may find yourself in a situation where you are happy, and you don't understand you are. and that happened to me once. ONCE. in 30 years. 30 years of constant pain interrupted by a single, and bland moment of not-pain. so it's not wanting to die. it's wanting to not feel the pain of living in a prison for your mind, tortured by yourself, untill you die. that's what i feel.
pain is our safe place
@@matteoorlandi856I understand exactly where you are coming from, when you eventually are happy, it doesn’t last long because you are so used to being in pain that happiness begins to feel alien and like something is wrong, even if it is the only time you ever feel right.
We don't wanna die, we just wanna get relief.
Sometimes when my depression gets really bad, even laying down and doing absolutely nothing is still too much. Existing feels like work
Consider meditation. Try guided for starters. In addition, just try to take it easy on yourself.
I hope that you'll feel better.
I feel this all the time.
I feel this right now 😢
same only thing i can do when i'm depressed is just go to bed
Yeah...
Explained in a simple sentence
I dont want to die, I want the pain to go away.
What's the pain, can you explain it? Or is it just an imaginary illusion?
YES OH MY GOD literally why don't alot of people understand this 😭😭
@@arskandanpain could be anything. trauma, physical abuse, anything at all to emotional depravity to tiredness or despair or everything.
@@arskandan mental or physical pain, pain isnt exactly one thing alone
@@arskandan For me the pain is existence itself. Living. Being a free agent in the world inherently carries a burden, of reliance on others and being relied upon. Restrictions, freedoms, stress and joy. Everything we experience carries a weight and that's the pain. Bearing the burden of living
Wanting to fall asleep and never wake up is literally what I want
Wth is that pfp💀
just do whatever you like when you are awake, then go to sleep when you are tired
Then you will simply just wake up never having fallen asleep.
It’s hard to even want that, as you don’t want your loved ones to suffer.
@@MergeMannyeh, suffering is just part of life. Stuff happens.
Every Evangelion fan has a degree in psychology
Either that or depression
or Existential crisis
or issues with their sexuality
Or they like mecha
@@vibra7 Don't pretend like ecangelion is a mecha anime. That is the hook to get people in then the philosophy shit kickes in and you either stay or go
As someone who's dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood, yeah, this is it. I don't want to be perceived - i don't want to have desire nor be desired nor have things desired of me. Turn me into the orange goo please
To me you sound like you mainly want to be away from people and just cut emotional association with this world. And while wanting not to be perceived, do you still want to observe?
i also want to be orange goo
forfeit your possessions and become a chinese monk
return to monke
@@sakaturaus7373 nah thats too much existence. Still need to feed and care for oneself
I want to be dead, but I do not want to die.
That is the sentence that crosses my mind each day.
I hope you’re doing ok
me too. this really explains it. it's so simple, succinct, and accurate. i hope you're doing well.
So you want to die then.
@@blacklyfe5543 no, its like, you just want to vanish. you dont want to die, you dont want to go through death, you just want to disappear. to be dead.
Dying is a hurdle one would reasonably have to get over in order to reach non-existence. But why would one _want_ that hurdle? It hurts and it stings!
Ive been struggling with suicidal tendencies and the desire to not exist since adolescence. I don’t remember how all of this even started i just woke up one day and wished I didn’t. Sleep has always been my favorite earthly experience, its so peaceful quiet and tranquil, i love how all the sounds feelings and thoughts disappear into the void. But at the same time, ive always thought the world was a beautiful place, the sky is breathtakingly beautiful throughout the seasons, the ocean, the hills, flowers and birds ,i’m glad im alive to witness the beauty of nature and these dazzling sceneries make me feel like life is worth it.
My mind is trapped in a maze of contradictory thought, Between the meaninglessness of life, the burden of being alive and the beauty of nature. They all make sense to me somehow yet I can’t figure out what i really want.
Nothing I hate more than myself.. I was a selfish stupid brat as a kid, now that I'm older It seems I've gotten worse somehow.
A stupid boy that wants so much yet has no clue what to do with it... I tried to change I've found different things so many things, but in the end I'm finding myself right back in the same damn spot.. the obstacle blocking me is ME.
I've repeated this crap so many times now.. I've pushed so many others away I still have a hand full left but my mind is trying to make them fade away aswell.
I wish they would forget about me.. I wish my mother would forget about me, wish my friends would forget about me, wish the one brother I have left to forget about me.
I'm so alone it's honestly laughable... Wish they all would forget about me and move on I'm nothing to dwell on really... "Why?"
Because I've realized how much of a piece of trash I am, I'm so frickin selfish and pathetic
I never changed.... I'm never gonna change I'm just as much of a brat than back then, always wanting more and more... I've been given so much..... I think I've been given TOO much
And I've never deserved any of it, and it'll continue.. which leads to those dark thoughts and self-hatred, the urge to kill myself is so much.. but I don't bc then I think it's too good for me.. to make myself disappear and leave those who put up with me in peace finally just one less thing to worry about right?
But I've also realized that's another selfish act...
I literally and utterly can not do anything but breathe
Why's existence like this for me
@@Nobody28817try doing random things not expected from you, like tapdancing your way out of your room
This is exactly how I feel. All the time. I'm so glad that somebody else understands but I'm heartbroken that others also experience this.
@@Nobody28817I’m here, my friend.,’ There are many alone, we can all be alone together in a way. Because no one else can be in our heads. We share with each other and that’s the hardest part, I’m proud of how far you’ve come and I promise you have grown, improving upon who you are
@@rooknado It isn't improvement.
I don't want help but here I am anyway.. it's stupid, it doesn't make sense to me.
I'm a piece of shit that only spends his time wasting others time... It always ends up in this same damn place, again again again again again again again again and AGAIN!!!
I'm sick of the same shit,
I just don't wanna be here.. I don't belong here... I simply don't.
So much noise! I just want it to end.
This is anything but improvement to me
I wish every piece of me would disappear, I wanna completely fade away, every memory, every day, every moment, every laugh, every stupid smile.
Every fucking thing!! I just want to be GONE dammit!!
Life already makes me feel like I don't exist, so why can't I just.... Stop breathing
This isn't improvement
I'm just being more worthless
We want to cease to exist, not because we are sad or suicidal. It's because we just want peace. Peace is the answer to this riddle.
My therapist told me today: so you don’t want to kill your self you just want to die. Sounds like you want just peace. And something in me clicked. Yea I want peace and I don’t now how to get it
@@TheLedaba Make that your hobby, find the thing, the place or experience that brings you peace, it'll be your favourite
but dont stop there, keep going, because you never know, you might stumble into an even better way to perceive peace
@@TheLedabaI concer
Yeah modern demands make you yearn for death because they can finally have a real moment of peace.
This comment hit me hard!! yeah I want peace
For me personally, I think it’s like I want to exist without consequences. It’s the desire to go where I want, do what I want, and live how I want without judgment or responsibility. I have struggled with people pleasing and social anxiety, so my mind eventually came to the conclusion that it would be better to just exist on my own, without others, free of consequence. But this has also made the concept of simply not existing seem enjoyable or peaceful as well.
Yeah I feel you, right now I want to play games and enjoy myself, but as a consequence then I will ignore my schoolwork and as a consequence of that I will lose money that I paid for the school. I wish to be constantly in a state of having no consequences and the easiest solution I have come to if I just didn't have a will to do anything and become a drone of some sort like the matrix, because I have a will to play games but my will to study for college is practically non existent.
same bruh
yeah, "I sorta want to be in my own bubble" is kinda how it feels. Its a place of comfort and self warmth wherein its just you yet you feel so full because its kinda just you.
I just want to live in my imagination.
I want to hole myself and be alone I do not wish to be with anyone else.
I hope the day I die there is no afterlife, I just want to be a being that floats with no purpose. No stress, no work, no drama, no boundaries. I’d most likely just wander from universe to universe just observing. That sounds like heaven to me
Same I wish that when I die I can still observe life and talk but nobody can hear me. I could watch TV shows with humans that are alive, I could lay down next to someone and watch tiktok with them.
I just think that's such a cool existence in the afterlife.
@@fatliward9815so basically a ghost lol
I hope when i die i simply stop existing. No thoughts, no heaven, nothing.
"I dont wanna die, but sometimes wish id never be born at all" - Freddy Murcury
I'm always down for Evangelion analysis out of nowhere
Same here brotha, and a slice of philo too
We are (not) same
same dude. i'd reccomend a channel called BREADSWORD to you. he made a great video about NGE and Gurren Lagan, one of my fave NGE analysis vids out there
@@Sleeepehead Seen it, and I consider that the greatest video on this website
I feel you my man
This is why I love staying up late at night. It's the only time of the day where I feel truly free, like a time where I can experience not existing for someone else for a while. It's also a way to "pause" the start of the next day. And watching the sun rise at 5am through my bedroom window, my AC running while I bury myself with my comforter, is when I'm most at peace.
Sounds really nice, i like the cold
What's interesting about this comment to me is that I relate so much to this, but I DON'T WANT to. It's funny cause it's late into the night right now as I type this. I usually stay up late to delay the next day like you said and it's the only time where I feel like I don't have to do anything. However... I don't want to be like that. I want to get up early in the morning and be productive and help people, yet I hold myself back from doing that for some reason. Idk im ranting
You mean procrastinating
@@aminububa851 yep, basically
It's 3:01 AM now!
God, I'm in such a low place right now. I can't express how much this video helped me to feel better. During the 15 minute span of this video, I went from feeling like a pile of slime to feeling kinda ok. For me, that's a huge jump in mood.
Thank you so much for making this.
Hi. How are you feeling now?
@@Planck944 Doing much better than I was 2 months ago.
@@christianwalters2226Don't worry you're not alone, some people think women don't feel like this. But I do all the time, watching my favorite game streamer "CaseOh" on CZcams always helps me when I'm feeling lonely, you should try watching him he's a life saver.
Here for your monthly check in
@@RetroLetgo I'm actually doing great now. Kinda got some things in order in life now.
Thanks for explaining why 1984 and Evangelion gave me existential crises as a kid
I started from
"I want to die" to
"I don't wanna exist anymore" to "
"I don't wanna be here" to
"I don't like what's happening around me" to
"I just wanna be happy"
and now it's "i just wanna live".
I ain't as happy as I wanna be, but I now have things I want to do. And I write them down on my notes app because oftentimes I go back to that corner where life has no meaning and i just don't know why i exist. So when I read that notes app, I find that 'hey, there is something i wanna do. it's a short-term goal but it's a goal to do'
I am almost crying right now because it's so relatable
I started from
I don't want to suffer again
I don't want to feel it
I'm not feeling anything
Nothing matters
I don't want this world this feelings this life
I don't want to be me
I
And then bohemian rhapsody got it perfect
I don't want to die but sometimes I wished I was never born at all carry on carry on as if nothing really matters
And eventually exactly all the steps you listed
But I think I'm way ahead of you luckily for me
I love my life I wish I can live forever be immortal and hopefully the universe also never changes
My life almost couldn't be more perfect
Are you feeling better?
@@haseenafatima6131 im a college student so no.
Bro just like me fr
Optimistic nihilism... I'm doing the same
I would love to be a voiceless, bodyless spectator in everything. No horses in any race, just the ability to survey and learn from everything going on in the moment. It would be really enlightening
Delve into the psychedelic world and you might get what you desire.
@@gingersnapuu444 illusory transcendence.
@@normanclatcher they can literally allow you to experience exactly what they described in their comment.
I am pretty sewerslidal, but this makes me sort of sad. Not being able to ever interact with anything again… being there, but no one noticing me and making no impact… it’s a little upsetting to think about. I think it would be fine at first, but after a while it would get to me
I'd love to be a ghost with the power to kill worthless scum, slowly and torturously. I'd be content to remain an eternal spectre, forever, just to know I was the closest thing this cesspit had to a God.
I did not expect this video essay to go from Dostoyevsky to Neon Genesis Evangelion that quickly
the sudden disco elysium mention at the end threw me for the second loop this video
when I was suicidal and depressed I felt so lost. I now know that I never really wanted to kill my self in the first place, I just didn't want to feel depressed anymore and didn't know any other way out of it. I didn't want to kill me I wanted to kill my perception of reality.
Damn that last sentence hits hard. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
You didn’t want to die you just wanted to escape the present, honestly sounds like something a drug addict would say.
@@revolutioninc7081 your pretty much spot on, I didn't want to die but I wanted to kill my ego in a sense and after doing so I found that it wasn't even necisary and it's not really something to chase. and yeah it sounds like something a drug addict would say because it is, I went down a really bad path but am only just coming out the other end now
@@Indianacones2233 you would probably benefit from disassociating, or doing that thing where you stop processing being alive but continue existence, as a down bad individual who doesn’t have productive, solutionable or healthy means to cope all the time this has helped.
@@Indianacones2233 just noticed you wrote you wanted to kill your ego, I am not recommending anything but they say psychedelics like lsd or psilocybin have ego dissolving effects that rewire your brain even after the experience, as someone who has used substances like these in the past I’d say the prospective benefits for this field (or a field denoted for high similarity like ptsd) are worth self inquiry!
For years I didn’t realize that I have depression because I never wanted to die, I just wanted to stop existing. At least for a while. You put it so perfectly, death is too permanent, but vanishing from existence is so appealing. It felt so good to be seen in this way, thank you.
I had depression but I have never wanted to commit not-exist ritual. Usually it was toying with the idea.
How do you picture your temporary non existence? It would have be a conscious effect, otherwise, you could just stop existing for an irrelevant moment in time, and comeback without feeling any change, or to comeback and see that everything has changed the moment you blinked, and now you'd have to catch up for the time loss, like having amnesia. That said, I don't accept the idea of this temporary non existence, as you'd have to know it happened.
@@kesler4982 i want to not be here. Somewhere else that isn’t here.
@@kesler4982 it’s a depression fantasy, it’s not logical lol. I never planned it out or thought through the logic, I just wanted to have a break from the world and for the world to have a break from me.
@@loradailey5746 Clearly. What I meant was, that some take to certain fantasies better than others, if anything, I wanted you to convince me somehow. No rest for the wicked, though, or so they tell me.
What makes me so sad is that I DO want to live in this world, but I DON'T want to live in this society. But you aren't allowed to do that. Everywhere you could possibly go is owned and watched. You are forced to play the game with the rules set by the worst humanity has to offer.
This is pretty much how I feel, I always try to see the best in people, I want to live, I want to have fun, I want to be happy, find someone, etc. I have alot to be thankful for in my life...
But I hate alot about this world and the people that govern it, systems that are in place, cruel facts of life, unfairness.
I normally just block out the bigger picture, I don't watch the news, I don't really go on social media, (alot of people criticize me for cutting these things out of my life.)
I have my tight friend group and pursue hobbies that make me happy and try to keep that as my lot in life.
I think you could probably leave, people do choose not to play the game of society every now and then, exploring remote places, living in the woods, only really engaging with the community you choose, I think you can get away somewhat if not entirely
Freedom is an illusion. We are not free, we are even induced to think. And we are forced to accept that.
If everyone stop playing, the game would end.
be sigma
I feel like the part of it that can't be understood by those who haven't experienced it is simply how not-circumstantial it can be, and how guilty that can make you feel.
I've dealt with depression for most of my life. I have an amazing wife, a great job, I love our home and our life. But sometimes, regardless of all of it, I just want to lay face-down on the ground and wait out the heat-death of the universe.
And feeling that way when by all accounts you have a great life carries so much guilt. How dare I feel that way, with my great life, when there are those whose circumstances are so much worse than mine desperately pleading for just one more moment? Who am I to not value what I have while walking past the homeless, the alone, those whose time is fleeting and running out?
But it isn't logical. You can't just... logic your way out of feeling this existential desire to just... quit.
And as many of the other comments have specified, I don't want to die. I have no desire to actively take my own life. But if I could just... lay down and fast forward to the end? I can't guarantee I wouldn't take that deal.
I literally just "prayed" to whatever entity might exist to just let me sleep tonight and not wake up. I know I won't kill myself (again at least, it's been years)
It's not my first time to just want to go not exist
I'm in a similar boat. My life by almost all accounts is pretty great. The pains that I endure on a daily basis are more or less self inflicted and in my head. I felt immense guilt over feeling this way in the first place, which only makes it worse. I have people who love me and care about me and want to support me, and all I can think is that I'm letting them down.
@@MissPoplarLeaf you can not compare pain because the only real pain is the experience. If you feel it and it hurts then it is real and valid. You may have a “pretty great life” but pain exists within the mind and nothing on this Earth can completely erase it. Please don’t feel guilty- you don’t deserve pain just as you wouldn’t deserve it if you had nothing. Some say it’s unfair that people with good circumstances can be just as sad as those in bad circumstances. Because what do they have to feel sorry for? But the point of pain is that it’s not fair and it happens to all of us and can happen at anytime. While this can feel frightening and overwhelming, it can also be a comfort that you don’t need to feel shame or guilt for your pain. I really hope that you will start feeling better - you’re so strong for carrying on no matter what anyone says. Sorry for the paragraph haha
As someone with diagnosed dysthymia (aka persistent depressive disorder) at some point these thoughts go from earth-shattering to an annoying pop-up ad you briefly perceive before closing. When my PDD was starting to get bad for the first time, I would lie in bed feeling numb and hating myself. Now I’ll randomly get a thought that says “death is easier” and I tell myself to stfu.
Life sometimes just feels like a punishment for something unknown.
Nobody asked for life, nobody consented to being thrust into a world that shreds the weak and shames the lesser
being forced to work, and interact and live in the world past humans left for us
The idea that we control the directions our lives lead isn’t always true
sometimes the only control you have is how you navigate and metabolize the struggles and pain forced unto you
it’s exhausting. I don’t crave death, I simply wish to not be
Amen to that comment 🙏
Exactly. The idea we have free will is a joke, we're all just mindless drones thinking we have some special purpose.
yeah
Well you captured that feeling so well in your writing that us of like minds feel seen after reading what you said. So that's meaningful.
that was so poetic
It is an horrible feeling when you don't want to live yet you don't want to die, everything is meaningless, a person that wants to end it all at least has a way out, someone that doesn't want to exist, will never have their "happy" ending
I think I simply don't exist not too people's eyes
Just the caring emotions
I cry and vent so many times and all I'll get just empty promises and false compliments from family, friends, strangers alike nobody really seems to show the correct emotion for me too feel better I just can't the right commitment and I've seen and heard so many things that are the most inspiring... But it just seems impossible for me too accept or understand I don't know what goes on in my head anymore it's been screwed up badly by this world and it aggravates me... it's so complex I can't really explain it by text or talk I just feel so lost and alone
Hopefully it'll actually pass but i don't know.... I'll just have to wait and see I guess
I don't know if I want to be happy or miserable
In the end I think I perfer not exist period
I also wish I was never born that's all I can make out atleast
I'm tired 🙁
@@Nobody28817 It's honestly hard to live life, everything is just pushing us back, sometimes doing nothing feels more rewarding than trying to fight
@@emlls8179 I don't know how to feel about you're comment
I don't know rather too feel comfortable or find it relatable I don't know if it should make me feel crappy or okay..
Emotions and pure thought are such a pain for me now 😔
I don't if to agree or disagree
Too like you or dislike you
I think I've never had the proper guidance or maybe this world in general just simply can't cuz it just doesn't know HOW or CARE
I kinda wish I never knew about the real world especially the one we're currently in
It's like a disease that's affecting my brain 😣
I'm so lost and helpless
My sanity's hangin by a thread
It's almost like a bad joke 😌
@@Nobody28817 life itself is a joke sadly, I would like to encourage you, to give you motivation, but does that really matters, anything we do matters, what is the point of trying if everything in the end is meaningless, interactions with people is hard, I can’t find the right words to say when talking to someone, living is hard, it’s so hard to me to go outside and hang out with people, I've been three whole years without going outside because I just don’t want to feel bad anymore, I hate it, I don’t want anything more just silence, I hate feeling like this
@@emlls8179 yet we're still here huh
🙁 Nothing makes sense
Broke down into tears after discovering this is the feeling I have been having for years now. Thank you for this discussion. I hope we all get better soon.
I know right. It feels a bit comforting knowing that we are not alone with thoughts like these.
Ooh, this reminds me of the time I wrote a song about EXACTLY this! The title was 'Better When I'm Out Of Sight' and it was basically just about fading so completely into the background like you weren't even there and ceasing to exist.
A few snippets of the song I want to share:
What if I disappeared one day, and I left behind no traces
Your lovely memories of me have turned to dust and faded
Nothing of mine
Is remaining anymore
Like I was never there
(This is a haiku :)
Its a pleasant existence
Without my every move being scrutinized
I'm just a spectator
In a meaningless invisible disguise
And I'm free, I'm free
From all the paper-thin crystallized lies
I'm finally me
I'm better when I'm out of sight
I'm not the suicidal type, I love my life too much to die
I wanna fade into oblivion, I can't, but I would like to try
Nothing of mine
Remains anymore
Its like I was never there
And I will be fine
Forevermore
(Edited for spelling)
The best analogy I have is that life is kind of like an amusement park. There are moments of enjoyment, but for the most part it's just waiting around trying to stay distracted until the short few fun parts. It's not that it's unbearable, but I would rather just not be here, it's just not worth it. But since I'm already here, and the people I'm here with don't want to leave, I guess I'll just hang out until I'm allowed to go.
I also think that way
AGREED BRO
Life has consequences. for me, I did not want consequences. I never wanted to come into this world, I wish I had an option into going into this world as an infant, some decision I could consciously remember that says, yes, I want to be here, I want to live. But no. I never had that choice. And now, with my life, I have formulated the thought that no, I don't want to be here. I now recognize the consequences of living and want no part in it. I never had a desire to please a big other. I never had those wants, all I wanted was for me to fade away. As a Catholic, the big other is God. I just wish he consulted and told me the terms and services. I just feel like I got drafted into life.
@@fellowhomosapien2012I'm an atheist (or whatever, I don't believe in a higher power) so I might not be the person for an believer to say what is what. But just for the thought, it sound like it could be that you are (to some degree) unsatisfied because of the religious ways you were taught to live your life?
I don't mean you have to to stop believing in a higher power, but you might not have to live by the standards of the catholics ways?
I as I said, don't believe in a higher power, I'm too logically thinking for that. But I don't tell other people what to believe in if it's a good thing. But in my opinion, there are lots of things in most religions that are bad - or screwed up. I have friends who have been seriously fucked up by their parents and church's hc beliefs - both mentally, physically and sexually(sex is a sin unless for making children etc - which IS made up by humans 100%).
We have changed the Bible from the old to the new testament to fit into the modern world. But there still is a lot of things in the Bible that does not fit. But who chooses what is right?
I think if we follow the laws, we are in good hands. If God exist and we are a good human being in this world, he would be saitsfied.
You have to feel good and find a way where life feels meaningful for you. That can be hard if I totally interpreted your message and you are satisfied with the religious ways you live and that it is just life that feels that way. I too feel like you even though I don't believe (and I am satisfied with not believing).
@@petrac2840 I accept my situation in life, realizing I have no power over not wanting to exist. I will try to live my life to the best of my abilities. Nihilism, the belief that life is meaningless does not help you achieve greatness.
And with my religion, I am also comfortable with that. I would rather believe in a higher power, than not believe, and miss a better place after death. Its a coin flip, Faith. Its called that for a reason, you have no evidence that God is real, but you still truly believe in it. Why be a atheist, and miss on an opportunity of heaven that may or may not exist? why have subjective morality when you can have an objective, with a chance of heaven? poor explanation on my part, but that is what I believe.
When "the wish to fall asleep and never wake up again" was said I immediately held my breath because I was not expecting to be called out so hard like that.
Same
Same!
Yeah
Existence as-is seems like such a burden.
Let me be a watcher in the void, a nothing that exists yet has no influence nor opinion. That wouldn't be a burden atleast.
Same here. Even if I was as happy as I can be, I'd probably prefer not to exist. Existence inevitably means worries and eventually death. So I'd much rather prefer nonexistence.
I used to be depressed but even now, when im in a better place, the desire to not exist is still within me. The sadness went away but the tiredness of my mind and heart is still there. I know i should be very thankful that i managed to get out of the everyday torment depression gives you, but i feel like my mind and heart can never be the same again. I feel like ill always be tired and existing would always be work for me. I still hope and pray things would be better in the future tho.
there was a quote i saw a while ago that hit me in the feels, and it perfectly described this. it went along the lines of, "are you living, or just existing?"
the desire to not exist is almost like a reference towards war. violence, pain, suffering, all in one mind; and you just want it to end, and it seems like the resolve of it would be to simply not exist. it seems enticing, because it seems like the only way you can obtain peace without harming nor bringing anyone else into the chaos ensued upon yourself
it's like you want to die, but you're not suicidal. you want to fall asleep and never wake up, but you worry there would be that same chaos in a vast expanse of pitch black, nothing but space, dust, and time. this is when you're just numb from all the wounds, because what else is there to do? you've already fought.
I want to exist without living, sometimes I want to live like the voice of a narrator, always giving the story but not really existing. To watch without being watched. To talk without being judged and without anyone really knowing of my presence, idk …it sounds peaceful and it’s the feeling of doing things without overthinking every second if you did it right or wrong.
Basically everyone here wants to live without any responsibility or consequences for making stupid choices and refusing to accept accountability, you go through the day to day, playing games, this works for a while untill you've fallen so far behind you don't know what to do, so you exist in a painful state of in between, never enough time for play and not enough skill and discipline to be fulfilled in a career. I cut this short at 18, quit gaming and my life got alot better, although the stress of my responsibilities isn't fun, but idk if it's bad either, as the wins don't feel great if you don't have something to lose or overcome.
So you want to be a cartoon ghost?
Honestly? Same.
@@northcountrywoodcraftny5953 Soooo, you DO realize you're just projecting your life onto the person you're replying to here, right...?
@@MastaGambit no this is litterally the story of an average gamer, which is a massive percentage of men in America, It breaks your brains reward system. But this "not wanting to exist" thing is a coddled child's reaction to the outside world. OMG THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS? RESPONSIBILITIES? I CANT TAKE IT. It's a pathetic and childish view of the world
I think most people have some sort of desire to not exist rather than to exist, but at the same time, not existing is probably the most scary thought ever
Yo I love ur Lego vids
I see you on every video
I think that before life there is just pure darkness, an abyss or void, and you have no conciousness, time is irrelevant because you have no physical body, you have nothing to breathe because you are nonexistent. I have this sort of vivid memory or something before I was ''born'' into the world and it felt just like what I described: Pure nothingness, just an empty void.
@@CraytorReal technically darkness is a color and is something. The nothing we know about is actually something because it’s nothing. True nothing is something our brains can’t comprehend at this point in time.
What about not existing makes it scary to you?
I love that there's Evangelion and Omori in this
It's a weird feeling. I don't want it all to end. Sometimes I wish to feel nothing, as even the best feelings are followed by despair. It's like asking myself if I would trade the good to end the bad. Having to ponder that choice is agonizing, I'd rather not exist at all. To pause time and sleep. I don't want to die, I want to want nothing. To have nothing. Sleeping lets me experience nothingness yet I cannot go. I cannot go. To be suspended between life and death. To float in endless space. To remember yet to forget. I don't know at all. Existence is too much. It scares me. I want to go. To not be. To feel nothing and be free. To exist in limbo, having existed yet never being. I don't understand at all. I can't understand. Let me go. Let me fade. Let me not exist. I'm sorry.
Having long-term depression and anxiety disorder, the desire not to exist is like on my mind 24/7. I think abt it at least once a day, just "what if i just die and end this suffering?". But also the fear of dying painfully prevents me from doing anything
I feel the same. I hope you're seeking help from a professionalist. I'm starting therapy soon
me too sort of
You have to decide is the pain of living worse than the pain of dying. People that end their life have got in be down to a level most people wouldn't understand , depression is the war of our time , and I don't know I think we're loosing this war .
Yeah, that makes sense. I'm the same way, but I live just to pay off expenses of mine so my family doesn't have to if I'm gone.
i feel you so much man
I've always had this desire to just not be perceived. I try to take as little space as possible and I don't talk much. But the weirdest thing is that once in a while when someone forgets I'm there, or don't notice me, basically when I get what I want it kinda hurts a little.
i think you just might need more time to figure out what you truly want. Figuring out yourself can sometimes be harder than figuring out others. Personally, how it sounds to me, you dont want to be ignored, but you dont want to be an inconvenience, someone in the way of something, it would make sense you would still like positive attention or be hurt by a lack of it
Because you don’t truly want to not be perceived. I always thought I wanted that because I have anxiety and not being perceived sounds like it would be easier. But really every person wants social validation, and to not be left out. It’s literally how we’re wired.
@@kirtil5177 You would think that but the rest of the time I'm genuinely relieved that I'm not noticed. And positive attention is nice but I start feeling uncomfortable. As soon as it starts I want it to end. Theres days where I can handle social interactions but the days that I'm not feeling it.....I'm an awkward mess. Youre totally right about it being harder to figure yourself out.
@@n1a316 It is easier sometimes. At least it certainly feels that way lol. Solitude is weird. It's addictive but probably not the best thing for you.
I feel exactly the same
For me, suicidal is a methord of asking for help. When i watched 'call me by your name', the quote that really stuck out to me was 'is it better to speak or to die', and looking back, ive never related to a quote more than this. I dont want to ask for help, i dont want to reach out: i want to show i need help. And if attempting is a methord, then i suppose its the most logical step.
living is such a complicated thing. i just don’t want to exist, but not in a suicidal way i just don’t want to exist. living everyday and having to do something is already exhausting i just want peace, but in order to have that peace, is just to not exist. another thing i struggle with is having a purpose, when i have a purpose my life could be peaceful because i know what my purpose is. However when you are born you don’t have a purpose, the decisions you make through you life shapes your purpose so you never know what could happen next, and that thought scares me which isn’t peaceful. anyways i hope everyone has a good day and hopefully this feeling will go away for me and to everyone else who is feeling this way.
Its a strange feeling. When someone else knows your mind better than you do.
Because they share the same mind as you
@@greatwavefan397 shat
@@greatwavefan397 We share the same mind which is why we chose the same profile picture
Because we're humans
@@-ss-8606 because
Over the years, I feel like my desire to not exist changed into a desire to just be happy somehow
The reason is somewhat the same
But the outcome is different
The feeling of having your whole existence erased with even your conscience makes it feel empty in a good way, it's a completely different experience with existing in the first place however since you have a lot of opportunities
As life gives you pain, you start to change your direction
Your motive as a young one was motivated by experience, curiosity, joy, and many other things, with now, you have seen the world on its half and you don't seem to want to strive any forward
Now you feel you've seen enough and just want to make the most time out of your life, you don't care on fame on anything, you just want to be happy, the only thing that excites you and the only thing you enjoy as of then
mine turned into anger
I went the other way. I eventually learnt that I don't desire happiness, don't want to be happy... and upon realising that, seeing how much everyone else chases after that one pointless emotion just seems so utterly bizarre. Like they're just drug-addicts.
@@SotiCoto happiness is an emotion, nothing else
You can pretty much view it as a positive upgrade in a video game, it's good, but it's not much of a problem if you don't acquire it
I don't exactly want nor do I not want happiness, if I am given happiness, I'm ok
Viewing life as a game may seem negative, it is but it's not really that bad
Just that some people made that view negative
People may live life as a game, but each people still have their own ways of playing a game
Invest in it, be kind in it, be absolutely devious, it's your way of playing it
@@A207.: Not acquiring it isn't a problem for me personally, but people wanting it is so thoroughly endemic in common thought that people just do not and cannot understand the idea of not wanting it. I've had people throw fits and accuse me of trolling them in real life because I said I didn't want to be happy. They just couldn't wrap their head around it and just got angry at me instead.... and I don't want that either.
Emotions are tiring. I don't like them.
Its gotten to the point for me where my anxiety gets out of control whenever I try to talk to anyone, even by writing this comment. It feels like I'm being confronted or judged when I'm not. When I'm at work I never talk and the past year or so I haven't spoken to anyone unless spoken to. Sometimes I feel like I don't exist because I spend all my time outside of work at home and I live by myself. I rarely talk to my parents, but when I do its only a few words over text and sometimes its months of silence from both ends.
Im sorry for that my friend, if you have discord or anything i would love to be your friend and talk to you, but if you dont want to thats completely fine. I wish you all the best
May God bless you :)
At least you know for certain that you are real
This was not an uncommon thought among soldiers in the western front trenches of WW1. At times, life became simply unendurable, but death could be so awful, such agony and mutilation, that simply being dead, without the experience of actually dying, seemed like the only aspiration to yearn...
That is very poetic though.
i was put under anesthesia frequently for a few weeks and the moment before i passed out, while it was just beginning to work, i could feel myself losing control. i felt nothing. it was the best feeling i've ever felt.
You reminded me of a happy memory of mine before surgery I got anesthesia and the feeling before my consciousness slipping away was the best feeling ever. 😊
As someone with relatively severe disassociation, I don't like the nothingness. I can't look forward to anything, can't think of anything outside the room I'm in, can't even enjoy my life. At this point, my only hobbies are writing and playing video games; The games because I can at least focus on them, and the writing because it takes my mind off of the emptiness.
This how I felt doing ket bra😭
Jealous af ngl (but happy for you lol)
Buy a tank of nitrous and join the party
This might also be why meditation can be so relieving, as I reached the stage of ego death, my mind was completely empty. During that stage, I looked at my very messy room, but with no comment, judgement or reaction as I saw it for what it simply was and not what it meant. At times when I get upset about something, I tend to remember how I am being the one who perceives and gives meaning to things, when in reality things don't really have their meanings, they simply exist, whether we like it or not.
I think u were disassociating bro
Exactly. Is the meditation you're talking about the same as buddhist meditation? In Buddhism, achiving the death of ego is very high level. I salute you.
Meditation? Idk why but I can't do it, my mind and body doesn't like the silencess.
@@justaguy3987 I recommend you listening to guide meditate, it helps me a lot how to breathe to calm me down and what should I think of or doing something focus on it like journaling I guess. Untill you can find your peace of mind and that's life changing for me! hope this help
Vinicus De... With all due respect this is half right but not as you would want it. The things that nature created do have meaning. The cheetah is the fastest animal for a reason. The same way there is a reason why the chameleon can change the way other see them. It is the same thing in our life. Everything around us even though is just an item or building as it is, have been created with a reason. The device you used to write this comment isn't something that was delivered to us from god and we just take for granted. It is not just a bunch of random electrical components either. It is a machine that was thought by bunch of people in order to be created to serve a purpose. Then it was created with the idea of a monetary gain(which means that things around us can even have several meanings depending on what people not just think of them but actually use them for)
Beautiful. I was caught off guard right at the beginning when you said, "A Cruel Angel's Thesis". I laughed, knowing it was a banger of a song from Neon Genesis. As the video went on, I was forced to think deeper about my own self worth and the meaning of the anime itself, which I didn't understand at the time I watched it. I knew the show meant something that wasn't in front of my face, but did not know how to face nor describe it. This video gave me a comparison, a connection I hadn't felt before. It gave me a goal.
I've been feeling this way a lot recently. I've been going through what i think is an existential crisis. I've been terrified of the fact that someday I'm going to die, then life in earth will completely die, then the universe will eventually cease to have anything within it, just nothing.
On top of that, I've recently realized that by some stroke of luck humans are the only ones capable of recognizing the ultimate fate of everything. But we're also the only thing that can enjoy existence for everything it has.
This idea that absolutely nothing can last, not even the stars in the sky, has been hunting me every day and night for the past couple months. I know that no concious being will ever witness the fate of the universe, so i try to find peace logically, but it hasn't worked.
Ive begun to see the intelligence of humanity as a curse. Why must this thing that ultimately means nothing to me hold so much weight in my mind and somehow stop me from enjoying life. Whenever i watch a great show or listen to one of my favorite songs to distract myself, i always get the thought that someday no one will be around to enjoy it, and that no matter what happens, that peice of art won't exist. I used to love staying up late, but now i can't stand the quiet and lack of distractions. I feel totally alone in the whole universe.
I've begun to kind of get why someone might want to kill themself. I don't want to, but this video showed me that my feelings are nothing new. It gave me a little hope that i might eventually have peace. I have big things ahead of me in life, and I'm hoping that that experience will help me. Thanks.
I think that in the series Rei is that representation of someone with no desires. And it is numbing for the most part, until the end, when she is confronted with the fact that she is lonely and has a "heart full of sadness", as the invading angel says. Then the charade is over, and emotion flows. The thing is, even in the numb stages of her life, she's always questioning her existence. I wonder how many people's like that in real life.
I am one of those people.
Many.
@@subject_of_ymir me too.
rei kinnies wya
Present 😀✨
I've been struggling to find a job for over a year now and frankly it's been taking a toll on my self worth and thus my mental health, even to a point of becoming suicidal lately. This video actually spoke to me and helped me understand that I'm more than a job or what others want from me. I will always have a desire to disappear but I want to be able to stick it out and see what life brings me. This was well done, thank you.
Update: After a year and a half of being unemployed and having to borrow money from my dad who is the most altruistic kind man I know, I have managed to get a part time job in a library. So I won't totally starve and won't feel bad about borrowing money. For context I'm 30 with a social anxiety disorder that makes normal social things really hard for me so finding and keeping a job has been extra rough. I've had about 10 different jobs now and turned down dozens for fear and anxiety reasons. It's a mental health condition that you can't see or even detect until you've gotten to know me so most people think I'm making it up or I'm just "shy" and it makes me depressed, a feedback loop happens and it just gets worse and worse over time. I really hope this new job isn't total crap like the rest.
Best of luck
Great tidings to you my friend i reccomend this video if you still have some bad thoughts czcams.com/video/35s4-3T5dJY/video.html
Goodluck man, I hope one day you feel like the best decision you've made is the one that made you stay alive
good luck in finding a job!!! Never give up, I believe in you. I hope all goes well
what happens after death is a great mystery, it could result a new beginning, eternal torment or just nothing.
a thought like that keeps me from killing myself and pisses me off too knowing i have no freedom to choose my fate.
a beautiful video that perfectly explains the topic. My deep respect
i'm 14 and this pretty much summarises it. for at least three years, i've been constantly in the state of wanting to percieve everything while still living; kind of like spectating. just the idea of being nobody, nowhere, without it being an intense thought; only like a light feeling that hangs on your gut. it's the reason i'm so caught on experiencing moments that feel "dream-like", because for the first time, i'm able to tell that it's real enough, despite how contradictory that sounds.
Find solace in already being a spectator. Free will and choice are illusions, as is the self in a way. It is hard to break yourself of them but sometimes when you are mindful you can realize that you are not really deciding anything. “You” are just the spectator or consciousness of this machine that is the brain, a complete tool of the natural world and input from around us. Look up Sam Harris on (illusion of) free will for clarification.
I’ve recently realized that the reason I like to lock myself in my room for days is because that’s a way for me to escape existence. Because if you are by yourself and don’t interact with anyone, it’s almost like you don’t exist. You can’t be perceived by people therefore it’s like you’re not really there. I don’t want to die or commit suicide but I do have a desire to stop existing.
You said my feelings
I'm glad to see somebody talking about this, however my desire functions differently. I'm tired of experiencing earth. It's as if I've been logged in to a video game for far too long, and want it to just stop. I don't relate to my main character here, and It's rather torturous having to play the part. Sadly I now have a best friend who depends upon me, and I fear my exit from this world has been made more complicated.
I just want to log out and never come back now. I used to want a break, but I got my fill of this bad thing.
It's funny that I'm so optimistic for earth as well. I just don't want to live in such a hard-sci-fi story, I want to live in a deep fantasy story.
I guess it's kinda how I feel as well
I understand not relating to your main character, as if we’re two different beings. If “I” left the world, the people around me would mourn my body, but not my existence. At least thats how i feel rn.
@@Marcuss99 That's something that troubles me as well. I don't feel anybody would mourn my actual self, they'd just mourn my body and what character I played.
@@RinoaL I used to feel this way.. I still struggle with those thoughts sometimes, but as mentioned toward the end of the video: I made the choice to continue putting my trust in others until I found people who accept and love me no matter what. I’ve shared some of my deepest thoughts with them, my struggles, the things I thought I would never tell anyone, and I’ve found some really good friends who not only still care for me but see me in a positive light. It’s still mind-blowing to me that someone can know the things I’ve done and still call me a remarkable person or still want to be a close friend.
For me, it started with the courage to be honest with myself and others about what I’ve experienced, done, thought, and felt. And seeing others accept that gave me the hope that I can accept it as well.
I hope you can share and enjoy the existence of your true self. Someone would be very lucky to get to know that person.
If it makes you feel any better, assuming humanity gets the good ending, you will likely have the option to live out a fantasy existence in virtual space and redefine yourself in that lens. Until we reach that point, there's of course the various fantasy escapes we have available, DnD being the most significant in my eyes.
I don't say this to belittle your belief of course, I've felt exactly what you've felt as well. The despair of having to live a role you don't want to play. An unwilling puppet.
All I can say is that, if you truly feel this way, it may be time to do something radical to allow yourself the space to redefine your character. Sometimes this requires literally new space, moving to a new location where you don't know anyone. Going on a solo trip can give you a taste of this, of being around exclusively people who have no idea who you are, and therefore no predisposition to treating you as this character you've grown tired of. Even if you love them, the people who are familiar with you will always see in the way they've seen you in the past, and this makes it near impossible to truly reinvent yourself. If this feeling of despair persists, for your health and the betterment of all, it may be time to change your world to change your self.
This is a big suggestion coming from a random stranger, I know. All the same, I'd urge you to consider a trip at least, to get a taste of what I mean, and allow yourself to truly become someone new, someone you'd like to play instead of you.
Whatever you decide, I wish you peace in this world and in the next.
I felt like this during my high school years. I had no friends, i studied all the time to appease my parents and never expressed any emotions for fear of disappointing them. I was going forward cause there was no other direction and smiling felt like a chore, something to do for the sake of others. I never got myself checked but i fully believe i had some form of depression, because i would just sit in silence on my train commute to school asking myself why was I even awake, if I wasn't doing all of this for myself. What genuinely got me through it wasn't even anything particular, one random day one of the train conductors approached me and asked me why I've been avoiding school (i would randomly skip it cause it was unbearable to go there sometimes) and I said I really didn't know, but that I was too tired to work hard for it. And he just answered "then don't." And that's when i realized exactly what you said at the end of the video. You just brought back a lot of painful memories, and my past self most probably wouldn't be able to bear them, but that's what growth is. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it, but certainly when you need it
Hey man. Thank you for making this video. I haven't had a good cry like this in a long time, and it's nice to be seen. You hit the nail on the head as far as my particular depression and what drives the desire in me to just not exist.
10/10. I love and hate you.
If you like both Omori and Evangelion you might also like Puella Magi Madoka Magica. It’s also a psychological thriller and touches the topics of depression, soul, hope and despair. The characters are really well-written too.
Dammit, my friends have been begging me to watch it
I'm gonna binge all 12 episodes in one sitting soon, I just need to find time around work and school lmao
@@blokvader8283 I don’t know if it’s a good idea to just do it all at once but if you are emotionally stable then go ahead I guess
@virp_alo I'm not emotionally stable, but that does not stop me from challenging myself lmao
I'll check in once I've watched the show to let you know how I feel, I hope it's truly life changing as my friends say lol
@@blokvader8283 well have fun then and seriously, please let me know what you think about it I’m really curious (I got my friend to watch Rebellion with me but she didn’t really understand much of it but neither did I at my first watch, it gets better with every rewatch). Also if you have a chance I recommend watching the movie adaptation the music is even better 😌
@@virp_alo Okay... just finished "My very best friend" and that was the best 4 and a half hours of my life lmao
Genuinely one of the best things I've ever watched. The characters are great, the animation is gorgeous, that fucking story and those twists are just... insane. Pretty much every thought I had of what the series would be... just wasnt it.
The only other anime I've watched is JoJo and One Piece, so I'm pretty used to light hearted stuff, and this gets so goddamn tragic. I can't even really feel bad for character deaths, because they've died countless times over and over again, and are fated to pretty much not exist by the end. This series was incredible, I'm so glad I experienced it.
Also, I love the fact that the character's you think are gonna be "villains" like Homura and Kyoko end up having been allies the entire time, that was really interesting.
Is there anything else to it though? Madoka Magica's icon is Madoka in her Magical girl outfit, which only shows up at the very end (another really surprising thing for me) some of the pacing felt weird, so I just wonder if there's more to it than just the twelve episodes. Tbh I would love to spend more time with the witch ass kicking we got at the beginning before Mami... you know.
Anyway, that was an unforgettable experience, and despite being the depressed and not mentally great person I am, I enjoyed it and am doing well C:
Have a great day, I'm gonna go hang out with my friends now before Kyuubei takes their souls as well
What I usually feel more than the desire to not exist is the desire for me to just disappear from the world while still existing. It's a bit confusing but it's like wanting to be in a third person view of the entire world and seeing how they would continue without me. Of course I know that's impossible but it can't hurt to dream.
makes sense
spectator mode
@@knightlyfiver9733 Uyes exactky that
Me too.. it's what I desire most of the time
Exactly
Thank you. I honestly didn’t understand this before, I appreciate it a lot
I spent a lot of my youth wishing I didn’t exist. I was extremely lonely. I didn’t want to die because of the pain it could potentially cause others, mostly my mother. I would cry in bed at night begging to wiped from existence. Feeling wholly that it would make the world a better place.
I've always found the idea of not existing peaceful. For me, not existing is just being part of the universe you have no thoughts no feelings no brain. Its hard to truly describe but its just as if you were just another breeze in the wind. I think of it as your just not sentient. I love that idea.
Same-ish. I see it as just this numb state of pure existence. Like, floating in a void. No thoughts, no emotions, just "be"ing. The nothingness of breathing in a void, unable to think or act.
I completely understand that, just the idea of not experiencing anything at all is euphoric.
Same, I want to just be stardust. No pleasure but no pain either
@@ZizZap4that's clearly not non-existence. There is no you, no being, no peace, no "void", no anything at all in nonexistence. Having some kind of eternal slumber or whatever is still having existence, albeit passive one....and that's what many seem to imply here rather than true nonexistence.
That space between falling asleep and the plague of dreams. Non-REM sleep. More of that sort of thing.
My feeling used to be "I just wanna have never existed at all" I don't want to hurt my family, but I managed to narrow it down to "I want to scream without being heard"
"I want to scream without being heard" is exactly the feeling
Exactly
Shouldn't it be the opposite? I think we're all screaming to some degree without being heard. There's a quote it resembles, men live lives of quiet desperation, or something to that effect. I think what we really want IS to be heard, truthfully, instead of through the imperfect filters of our monkey-mouthed languages and separate interpretations.
For me I just want to go back in time and prevent myself from coming into this world. I just want my every existence from my past, present, and future to be void.
This video didn't stop what i was feeling, but it helped me understand it and coexist with it, and for that i thank you
I return to this video from time to time, it is very well done and complete. There is information in every second, so it is impossible for me to understand everything by seeing this only once. Thank you for this analysis and the references you used, that enriches the point.
What I thought about the desire to not exist was that you just wanted to die. I then went through it. I found that I am scared of death, so that wouldn't be it. Now I think about it as "I don't want to die, but rather, I just don't want to be here." As if you are in a really bad family reunion.
Undertale?
yeah sums it up perfectly, death is not the thing most of us seek, we just don't want to be in ''this'' world, this world has no justice, no fairness, no loyalty and no love but that is full of greed, selfishness, lies, lust and cruelty, they say life is short but that is a lie too average human lives at least 60-70 year or so if not for other reasons for premature death and yes compared to eternity it is short but with our sense of time it is far too long to bear with it.
Bro scared of death
the feeling is unescapable
Evangelion is the most meaningful form of media I have ever experienced, this video is amazing!
Agreed, this man didnt just made a amazing explanation he also made evangelion look even more amazing.
I remember actually experiencing "Nirvana" after watching the finale of the TV series back in 2005, when they finished releasing the Platinum Collection. To describe it in words, all my wants & desires, as well as grudges, all disappeared. I felt that I finally achieved true happiness, the kind that's only obtainable in heaven. It was the weirdest but most blissful experience. You could offer me a million dollars to do anything, and my response would've been "Nah, I don't need it. I've obtained a supreme form of happiness & enlightenment, one that can not be bought with money, no matter how much you have."
However, that state of Nirvana was short-lived. It only lasted for like 5 to 10 minutes before it completely inverted into Absolute Fear. Realizing that all my wants & desires are gone, I asked myself, what am I supposed to do now? What purpose could I possibly have if I don't want anything, no goals to strive for? That's when the concept hit me. The concept known as Evolutionary Dead-end. The problem with achieving perfection is that there's nowhere to go from there. There's no reason to move forward & do anything. This feeling was absolutely paralyzing. Beyond a normal or phobic level of fear, it was a Primordial Fear, the kind that no overinflated ego can resist, one that is embedded into the psyche of every living being brought into existence.
Luckily, this fear also was short-lived before I snapped out of it & went back into a normal state of mind. It was one of those once in a lifetime experiences that I'll never forget & why the Evangelion series will forever remain as one of my favorites. But I warn you, this show is not for those who struggle with depression or other mental illnesses. I've also nearly had a mental breakdown from watching this as well. A real eye-opener for those who take their mental health for granted.
Eva is good and all, but people give it too much credit.
@@takeuchi5760 i have seen you point of view a lot so I want to know about it, why do you think it isn't really that much? Because of how bizzare and all over the place it is? For me it is fascinating
Yeahh its legitimately my favorite piece of fiction ever
Thank you for all your videos. Each video rises surprisingly relatable problem, and your examples from fiction are immaculate.
Been wanting to watch this for a year now thanks
this made me sign up for a therapy appointment because i've never heard my mindset exactly put into words like this, much less with such an uplifting ending. thank you
I Agree 100%.. Unrelated But also cool misturi pfp
This video also ain't doing nothing for me
I don't know what's up with me 🙁 it's still the same
@@Nobody28817 Please See a therapist
@@-freefishanimations-9547 no I doubt that'll work.. I'mma keep searching for something else
@@Nobody28817 i’d at least try therapy like me. If you then still think it doesn’t help, just stop going. It’s really worth trying even if it’s just for once.
this is literally why i’m anorexic. i don’t wanna live the life i’m living, but i don’t wanna die. starving feels like slipping between life and death and being able to re-enter the world at any point simply by eating. it gives me chills to hear it explained.
It gives me chills reading your comment because never before had i heard anorexia being described this way.
I hope you're doing fine
@@miaumiau679 thank you
dang
This is relatable
@@weirdwormsaloon4088 Eat something you fuck..... ❤️
This is a beautiful video, I was moved to tears.
This video just taught me so many things… i cant thank you enough
I've always felt extremely reflected in Shinji, even when I was just a kid. That fear of the Other, seeing myself from the outside. The constant fear of others' expectations. The worry of not having any desirable qualities. The "you don't love anyone, you'll just run to anyone". It's... honestly, almost hard to watch.
And it's not subtle, y'all. I can guarantee that a LOT of the things from Shinji's inner monologues (and dialogues with his mental image of the Other) are likely word by word taken by things that Anno himself thought.
Fear of other expectations is an extremely powerful force on your life I know, but if you make decisions based on what others expect of you, you will be the one that has to live with them, not them. :)
that’s like telling someone who is another room while “you two are desired to have aloneness, “nothingness”, “just complied pillars of the void” technically you tell a friend to just forget about you forever, forever, forever and just ignoring all the memories you’ve had with you to be subconsciously forgotten, and “fading out from existence as we’d just know it”, “we’re tired of it being so fortunate to be forgotten, invisible and empty shell.
When I heard about the “without sadness or violence” that hit hard.
I’ve had so many episodes where I wanted to cease to exist….
Hey are you ok?
@@themangle-laggle not entirely….
what's wrong?@@Gamez_Studios_
Wish my head wasn't always a mess
This video is one of my favourite videos despite what it talks about and its even so much diffrent from my other things I watch on here. It always stikes something in me, it perfectly describes me in every aspect. Even with its "dark" topic, this video always brings me comfort in an odd way. It makes me feel so comfortable with the idea that I am not alone in this feeling and it honestly even makes me feel better when I'm upset. I have watched this video numerous times and for a very long time. I don't even have it saved to anything, but I always end up coming back to it, like its meant to be found when it is needed for me. It also introduced me to NGE, so thats cool :)
The eva music in the background hits so different when your thinking about life past 9pm
God this video summarized how I’ve felt since I was 13. Turning 28 in two weeks. Having adhd adds a layer of ennui and restlessness. Finding substances to numb your pain so you can want, desire, care, and feel absolutely nothing. It’s not enough to be happy or content, but the finality of death is horrifying as well. Existence is exhausting, and they’re definitely good parts but sometimes you want to treat it like game you can opt out of. The powers that be already play with your lively hood, so why can’t we just quit?
Edit: Hey so I got diagnosed with autism recently so this explains a lot.
Yeah..
@@emmaolive_ because life feels like you’re a passenger in your own body. Being of the world but not apart of it. It’s not exactly sad more than it is existential IMO. Like observing yourself interact with life through a screen. It feels isolating and so incredibly bland.
try that but have 41 years under your belt. With experience I can tell you it only gets harder and worse.
@@gweedohatsis8404 something to look forward to!
@@gweedohatsis8404 fucking brutal, I'm only 17 and have a long way to go
When I was young and had trouble falling asleep at night I would attempt to imagine what it would feel like to just not exist. I would get so upset that I couldn’t remember what it was like to not exist despite having not existed only a few years prior. It’s kinda funky to think about it now but sometimes I still think about it.
It's interesting how even so young some can have very complex thoughts like the ones you had without even being able to truly comprehend how large the idea and concept of said things are. I had a similar experience when I was younger
This reminds me of watching Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. And I started to cry - not dramatically just tears collecting in my eyes- at the rock scene…. It was such a relief and the way it resonated with me… that’s all I wanted.
At one point, I was suicidal and/or had the desire to not want to live. When I got older though, my mindset became something like "I might as well continue to exist as the next destination (death) is inevitable at some point and instead embrace the pain and the challenges of living".
After all, death will always be an option, but it will also be a point of no return, so might as well see how life is instead of rushing towards the next part of the cycle.
point of no return really hits my gamer head. because so true. you wanna do everything before progressing to the point of no return.
I was just beginning to write a novel about a character growing content with existence. I have a lot to learn from this video, and from the sources you provided. Thank you.
I would like to read that
I would like to read that Man
Funny thing
I was actually also thinking of writing my thoughts into some sort of story because I struggle to express my thoughts and feelings I've had boiled up for years now
The thing is I know that I am miserable, I know many of the things told, still I don't feel any relieve or happiness, I don't understand myself at all
send us the story whenever you’re done if you want lol, sounds interesting
Same here! Would love to know more about yours
There's something so.... Oddly poetic about have this recommended to me after finishing OMORI (a physiological horror game about a young boy and Omori. It's also shown in this video, that black and white, pencil drawn style boy with large empty black eyes seen lying in an empty white space) and sweeping up the feelings of that game and myself.
He has a video on Omori that you'd like
i literally just finished oyasumi punpun last night and this video got recommended to me lol
Boy in thumbnail is Shinji Ikari from Neon Genessis Evangelion! Its great psychological show about people dealing with lonelines, issues in conecting with others and self hatered, also its got traumatised children piloting giant cyborgs fighting against eldrich beings from higher plane of existance in post apocalyptic world, I recomend it!
Nge >>>>>>> omori 10x. Nge is so good.
Making a vid on omori rn lol
This video changed my life. One day, about 6 months ago, I boiled my ruminating on death down to not wanting to exist. And I simply searched for that on YT, found this video and watched it. A shift took place.
I was just reminded of the video and posted it in a reaction to a post. Watched it again and realised I had embarked on the path suggested in this video: dismissing the internal imaginary panel of critics.
Thank you so much for this beautiful video.
This has helped me a lot tonight I needed this, thank you so much
When I was a young child, I was quiet and kinda somber. However people didn't like me because I was like that, so I took on a jokester role. Never serious. I'm 20 now and that has taken a TOLL. I feel split between the personality I've cultivated and the person I still am deep down. And that struggle to be who I am and escape the person i pretend to be makes me wish I didn't exist. At least then I wouldn't have to feel this struggle between who I am and who I've become.
It’s generally the same with me. I don’t know how to relate or foster typical conversations with people without having a skew of my inflated personality i crafted myself. And because of how I grew up, and the person I turned myself into, I barely know myself - despite living in my own head and (in my opinion atleast) constructing all of my own problems.
I created a person that was in and of itself a people pleaser at my own expense and grew up in a way that I never had to care about making decisions on my own. Now, I am 20 and on my own in the real world. I live by myself away from family and generally struggle in most aspects of life. I come home from work and I… sit. Or I drive, but I don’t go anywhere. It’s the same as sitting in my room, just fancier. The monotony of nothing hehe.
So I suppose I often ask myself, so what? How can you change? And the answer is I don’t know. Or rather, I don’t want to know? Because executing that answer takes effort to break out - motivation which I don’t have. It’s all so simply really when it comes down to it. Seek help, take the few aspects of my life seriously, but… what if this and what if that?
Currently I work in a place where seeking help may be detrimental. Currently I have opportunities lined up that could spell out a path for a productive future - yet I know without help I won’t achieve anything to the best of any ability I might have.
Recently I thought I had found a great relationship with someone, but it fell apart as quickly as it came up and I can only sit and think that I was to blame, naturally. And when I have nothing to do after I’m done with work, what else is there to do then sit in my own darkness and stare into the void?
All thanks to the person I created at the time years ago to procure atleast a sense of social involvement. I’m no longer in an environment where I can just show up, make people laugh, and go home without taking care of myself or my future. Yet I don’t know how to move on, so here I am. Non existence would be the ideal, and in some ways I technically already do not exist. Who am I? Haha, that’s really it. I don’t exist, I don’t even know who I am
@@UnOfficiallyRekt I hope you can find yourself someday. I can kind of relate to your struggles, but thankfully I've been able to discover who I am. I hope you can discover it too, because it's horrible to feel like you don't even know yourself, despite being with yourself 24/7.
I always felt the same, i just dint know how to say it, thanks for putting it so right
@@UnOfficiallyRekt you've put into words how I feel..
Jokester, huh? Similar to the boy who cried wolf. Not a criticism, but an observation.
sometimes i wish i could disappear and take away all the memories that other people have about me, and erase every trace of my passage in this world
i always come back to this video when i feel empty.. in some way it resonates with me to an extent where I feel nothing and nobody gets me except this
i love listening to your videos while i draw, i somehow end up focusing perfectly on both things
When I was a kid, I could never sleep at night. So I would wander around the house in the dark while everyone was sleeping. It was so quiet and peaceful. I started even going outside and hanging out in our boat in the yard….all by myself. It was too peaceful to be scary. To this day I am a night owl, and I always fantasize about a nice little room that reminds me of the boat I used to hide in at night like Peter Pan. I think it has something to do with our instinct to hide for safety from aeons of living with predators.🤷🏾♀️
that sounds so nice, to just wander alone. it must have felt like time stopped.
In my early years of college during the early morning hours when everyone on the weekends was passed out drunk I would go outside (because I can't sleep after I heavily drink) and just exist outside between 4-7 A.M. in a quiet college town and that solitude of silence in existence was just so peaceful to me like I really felt at peace with the existing but also walking through the world as If I didn't and that thought was so calming to me as I could just do and go where I wanted in a Vaccuum and simply be as I desired in those moments.
I'm out every night smoking a bowl and enjoying the silence. There's nothing more peaceful
Way I've seen it, Gendo's desires are a mirror of Shinji's own. He is essentially a dark reflection of his son and all of his avoidant personality traits, fear of being hurt again, and need for validation taken to their worst extremes.
I would burn the entire world for personal peace. Nothing matters, right?
Fun fact gendos theme in the last Eva movie is called mirror mirror
Exactly this. The rebuilds especially highlight this idea of an extreme self, with Shinji and Gendo committing selfish acts for the sake of one person leading to catastrophe
@@davviewavvie7962 Anything anyone does has a 'selfish' reason for it. Half our chemical reactions are just reminding our brain it's not dead yet.
I don’t want to offer up a super romantic portrayal of the desire to cease to exist, but I first felt catharsis in the anime Mushishi when I was 16. In that world, there is a stream of golden light, said to be like a spiritual root through the world. It is not able to be seen or found by the vast majority of people, but the Mushishi can see spirits and thus can always find their way to it.
In the second (?) episode, the protagonist is called upon to find a missing boy, and as it turns out, he found the lifestream. The episode turns into a dialogue about the act of being near such a beautiful and inviting opportunity to wash away from existence. To literally dissolve into light. It is heavily implied that the protagonist himself had found himself face to face with that opportunity, and yet here he stands, willing and able to serve the needy.
Just thinking about it hits me like a sack of bricks. It was the first time I had thought about “fading into nothing” in a coherent way. What better path to peace for a person who finds no pleasure in life, yet sees suicide as an affirmation of all of their worst thoughts about themselves? I’ve been depressed for 15 years now and I have probably thought about it 3 or 4 days per week. It’s like a sick joke, being confronted with reasons not to live yet not believing them sincerely enough to exit life.
Such an amazing video. I wasn't really into the conclusion being based on your experience more than actual philosophy books but i still appreciate it.
Man. I almost started crying. This was the first video to ever do that with out being like a purposeful sad one. It hit a cord with me. It answered so many questions I have. The feeling of not wanting to exist but not wanting to kill my self is all to real. I don’t want to die. Far from it, I just don’t want to exist. Just blink out. But then the finality of it all. I don’t want to be gone for ever just don’t want to be me anymore. I have tons of good things in my life, my life isn’t even that bad, I have greats friends, I have a promising future, but I just don’t want to exist (sometimes). This is probably some kind of depression. And doing things for other people and being told “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” and how it’s such a twisted thing. I don’t know what I want to do in my life but eveyone wants to push me different ways and I’m not doing it for me. I’m going to college for something I’m interested in but I don’t actually want to go, it what someone else wants for me. I’ve become apathetic to many things, but I care to much at the same time. Everything I want in contradictory.
I started ranting and spilling my guts there at the end. But I wanted to say thank you for making this and that it hit a cord with me that just resonated hard. Thank you
I forgot about the being desired part. Yeah. That’s what I crave and want so often. Am I desired, do people desire me, to be around me, to love me. I’m i desirable is something I’ve asked my self so so many times
Thanks for writing this, i feel the exact same, every single word. As long as we exist, if we don’t disappear as we want (lol) know that Im with you, and its alright, its ok.
I understand how you feel very well bu something sparked a question in me. Why don't you want to go to college if you're interested in that path? Is there something that you like more than that perhaps something that would not require college or is it just not motivating enough for you to go through college?
You're not alone.
your comment hits really close, man. your descriptions are incredibly similar to something i never knew how to exactly write or put in words. thank you.
This really resonated with me. As a person who has become increasingly frustrated with (what I believe) mankind's apparent desire to throw itself into continuing turmoil through one reason or another, I find myself on a plateau where I am no longer able to express what I want out of life, so I spend my days contemplating it whilst simultaneously trying to escape the reality that surrounds me by throwing myself into video games as often as I can. Is that healthy? No, not really. But it eases the burden of trying to place myself in a world that feels so alien to me. This is not meant to be a preachy "I'm better than everyone else" thing whatsoever, this is me just being as matter of fact as I can be. I used to know what I wanted, but now I would have to sit down and think for a good long time before I was able to give an answer that wouldn't be considered some sort of suicidal thought to an outsider.
Bro go to the gym, hit a workout or something. It is the lack of purpose that you don't want to exist, because if you had something to exist for, you wouldn't think so. Games only will get you deeper into your problem in that case.
As much as I hate advices like "bro, just go outside and do something", I am going to agree with Jonclash.
When you lose the concept of meaningfulness, another concept appears - enjoying the journey. Just like walking in the park, it has no meaning or purpose, it's just you, doing what you like in this park. Maybe you want to sit on the grass, maybe you want to work out - you are doing it for yourself.
Indulging in escapism through playing games 24/7, you are robbing yourself of the journey. I know, because when someone manages to bring me outside somewhere, where I feel comfortable, I am alive again, and the lack of meaning doesn't scare me. It's only when I lock myself in my room, watching CZcams all day, I experience this existential dread and suicidal thoughts. Because there is no meaning AND no journey. What else your mind is supposed to do?
Sure, playing games 24/7 could potentially be your style of "walking in the park", but it must be your conscious, healthy choice, that did not come from the need to escape it all, which is definitely not the case here.
Don't rob yourself of your beautiful meaningless journey. Go outside. Hit the gym. Visit your closest friends. Go meditate on grass. Feel alive again. It's very hard, especially now, but it's worth it.
@@tenshiharuno1184 I fully agree with your comment, it's great advice! The key to avoid nihilistic thoughts is distraction. Tiring your body and your mind out with exercise and activities is useful, and it produces chemicals that will make you feel more balanced. A healthy nutrition is also useful to achieve that balance.
It's definitely not a 'fix'. The world is still messed up, mankind's tendencies are still awful, but at least you can make the most out of your time here. Find things that you like, that may be video games, but you said you're using those as a (kind of unhealthy) coping mechanism. There are endless possibilities besides the finality of death.
I've also experienced despair at the meaninglessness of it all, but after a long time of self-reflection and contemplating the world around me, I figured I might as well stick around and see what I can get out of life. I'm not into philosophy, but I think Epicurus was onto something with his hedonism. His view was that pleasure and pain are so important to human existence that all our actions are governed by seeking pleasure and trying to avoid pain (both physical and mental). Epicurus also saw the absence of pain as a pleasure in itself. By avoiding pain, you can enjoy life.
🤝
i just turned 18 and i already want to die. i definitely lack purpose and the fact that i used to be so passionate about many things only makes me feel worse. i've also been indulging in escapism by watching random movies and playing video games. i just want to die. reading the other comments made me feel a little hope tho. but i still cant figure out how i will get back my motivation to live and actually do these things to make myself better. i see no point in trying to be better as i've failed myself over and over. i barely know why i do this to myself.
Tenshi your comment was more thoughtfully worded, and I agree playing video games all day is not healthy but I hate the “bro just do (xyz),” so thank you
For me the weirdest part of this feeling is that I have the desire to not wake up, but I’m afraid of it at the same time.
i just want to slowly cease to exist as time goes on, with no actual responsibilities and the knowledge that i have no future to stress over. I don't want to grow old, and i don't want to live life constantly stressed about making enough to be even be comfortable. I just want to know that someday soon i wont be here, so that i can enjoy what i have left.
this is why i put a lot of value on forms of escapism. they’re so important to me because when i use them, i’m not in this world anymore. i’m just floating in my own reality of pure bliss.
@@shadow8594 why that one specifically?
@@Heightofacloud This meditation creates a distance between the mind and body which are the only to ways you can suffer, giving you a lot of freedom in daily life. Any sort of compulsion goes down and your mind becomes more clear and naturally is joyful. I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety and isha kriya helped me out of it. If you want you can do it for a certain period of time and see how you feel during the day, then you can decide if you want to drop it or keep doing it.
escapism will lead you to the feeling of a life that was wasted. you cant escape forever.
@@dernan2 So fucking true
In my early years of college during the early morning hours when everyone on the weekends was passed out drunk I would go outside (because I can't sleep after I heavily drink) and just exist outside between 4-7 A.M. in a quiet college town and that solitude of silence in existence was just so peaceful to me like I really felt at peace with the existing but also walking through the world as If I didn't and that thought was so calming to me as I could just do and go where I wanted in a Vacuum and simply be as I desired in those moments.
I have always struggled with social anxiety and so I ended up distancing myself from others. Being around people felt like I was constantly being judged and had expectations put on me that I had to conform to. I always felt like for me to "fit in" I had to put on an act of some sort, but this resulted in me feeling inadequate, like I was never myself. There was a period of time where I would go to bed and cry every night and put myself down telling myself that I need to do better, be less anxious, be more social, be honest with myself and others. I haven't managed to talk to anyone about it, I'm always anxious of "what will they think?", but in the end it doesn't matter. I just haven't found the person to open up to.
oh you're not alone. I'm also thinking that if it's only me in the bubble so i wouldn't hurting anyone and get hurt
I am afraid, but you may very while never find the right person to open up to. Do not leave it to chance, for it can fail you, and if you do not believe in the Lord, leave it to yourself, because once you start talking once, you may find it hard to shut your mouth.
I feel you, I was like "I shouldn't have talked like that, maybe they think I'm bad..?" And end up beating myself up that I was bad and I'm not able to fulfill their desires that they had put on me.. It feels really bad.. moreover it's a loop..
Same here. For me, thining that the person will forget everything about this moment, about the conversation we had, my emotions, everything, calmes me down. It will happen. No human on earth is able to remember every single detail about you and tell it another being that is capable of remembering like him. Every conversation I have is meaningless, a way to make people feel comfortable around me for a short period of time, a need that they want you to fullfill for them. Maybe this is Nihilstic, maybe i get the idea of nihilism wrong and youll correct me in a reply. But most definitely you will forget about this comment on this video on this Plattform.
See I have a social anxiety disorder and I tell everyone about it, not to be the "oh don't do this around me, here's my list of requirements in order to speak to me etc......type of person, but because people are genuinely interested, opening up about it has opened a lot of doors for me. For context I've lived with it for the vast majority of my life and it wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30's when I was being treated for depression, I always knew there was something off with me but I never really knew what, I just knew I didn't enjoy life the way the majority of people seem to. After several rounds of counselling and finding the right medication I'm doing much better now, got married last year and can manage my disorder without professional help, so I'll tell you this, things will never, ever get any better for you if you don't work for it, if you'd like to speak to someone about it then do, I'll gladly listen, but alas I'm just some chud on a youtube comment section so it's not ideal.
It's so impressive to me how you can explain this concep/idea/i dont know how you call this, so well