Why Childhood Abuse Victims Hate and Are Hated
Vložit
- čas přidán 6. 09. 2022
- Donald W. Winnicott, the famous paediatrician turned psychoanalyst, suggested that abused and traumatized children dare not hope for love. To protect themselves against disappointment, they hate others ostentatiously and desire to be hated in return. It is their way of testing the waters: can these people or institutions hate the child without resorting to maltreatment and rejection?
Epictetus: Men are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of them.
Albert Ellis, founder of REBT, precursors to CBT: experience causes no specific emotional reaction, the individual’s belief system produces the reaction.
Harry Stack Sullivan: people are products of their environment.
Boris Cyrulnik: trauma consists of the injury and the representation of the injury. Adult interpretations of events are the most damaging post-traumatic experience for children. Labels can be more damaging and damning than the experience.
Dorothy Rowe: when we are wrong, we self-blame and feel guilt, shame, helplessness.
Georg Hegel: consciousness of self depends on presence of the Other
Jean Paul Sartre: perception of the world, including of others, changes when another person appears, we absorb their concept of the Other into our own.
Jacques Lacan: the unconscious is the discourse of the Other.
Charles Horton Cooley’s looking glass self (way we view ourselves based on how we imagine that other people view us).
Heinz Kohut: when child’s needs are not met, a fragmented self emerges, consisting of the narcissistic self and the grandiose self.
Eric Berne: lifelong child, adult, parental ego states.
Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt therapy: sense of reality created through perception, the ways we view our experiences, not the events themselves.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
Sometimes it’s better to be hated because it makes it more difficult to be used.
When people don't pretend to be nice, you don't feel pressured to play nice either
Oh, that's deep & so true.
Amen to that
I wonder what my parents would have thought and felt if after a beating I said "Oh yeah? That's how I'm going to remember you after you're gone!"
@@amberdavis5898 Thanks. "But it's aa-a-a-a-alll ri-i-i-ight now, in fact it's a gas." (sort of)
@dinahnicest6525, Ha. Good one!
@@Chez8922-kf6cy My Dad departed more than a decade ago. Last night I dreamed that he came into my home -- and it scared me awake.
Being hated is something I understand and something I can count on. Being loved is unfamiliar and triggers anxiety. And my atrophied social skills after a lifetime of trauma and abuse help to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Makes sense. I'm trying hypnotherapy and emdr to heal and embrace life more positively instead of fear based.
@@stacyjaye6350 I'm a psychiatric nurse so I hear you. Some of the doctors go way overboard and don't listen or hear the patient. Try a psych np. Bottom line...anyone who doesn't listen to what is important to you has to go!
@@stacyjaye6350 I'm so sorry to hear that. People should be on the least medications necessary for optimum health after the root cause of the issue has been discussed with the goal to end medications asap. For mental health, other therapies should be incorporated or utilized first if it's not a psychiatric emergency. A lot of practitioners don't even have experience these days before prescribing. Not enough bedside time put in. Sad. Always be your own advocate and never ignore your gut feeling. Take care! 💖
@@colettespencer3357 I am a psychiatric nurse took and I see the same thing!
@@colettespencer3357 totally agree
My mother used to say " you can be such a lovely girl but you are so aggressive and hateful" This would be after she had banished me saying she didn't want me, didn't love me, that I was a very bad girl. I remember my hateful rage and terror. The rage would die down and the terror of abandonment would drive me back to my mother, begging and pleading to be forgiven. I was very young, under 5. I never understood and was deeply ashamed of my hatefulness. But it is always there, lurking about, wanting to have it's way and it's say. Thank you so much for helping me to make sense of it. I was borderline when it was a dustbin diagnosis. I spent so much of my life trying to be normal, to fit in, but I never could or would. Yes hate is a protector, an armour against the pain whilst at the same time it's own source of pain and suffering. Thank you for shining a light on my darkness.
That witch tried her best to put her nasty hateful self into you; horrible and remember it’s not you give all that fear and abuse and lay it at her feet where it belongs
That sounds like projection. She does something to provoke you and then uses your reaction to blame you for her rude behavior.
Thanks for taking the time to post. I appreciate what you said.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤You are perfect the way you are! May your heart and mind be full of love, joy and fulfillment!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
After my ex who loathed me abandoned me and his two babies - he turned around and said I never loved him otherwise I would have tried harder to satisfy him and give him everything he wanted including an endless supply of drugs🙄
I don’t like to be hated! I don’t hate anyone. I love to be loved; I love to love 💗 without it I’m not sure I’ll be alive. Love is like the light; without it life would be not possible
Hi! You've a gorgeous picture on your profile! Just decided to stop by and say hi. I hope my compliment is appreciated 😏
"In the orgy of evocative Baroque English"
These lectures are music to my ears ✨
I grew up around trauma but abuse started later after childhood, I don't mind if people hate me, to some extent. I always look for a threat in social situations, immediately I seek out who is my primary concern. Sooner or later I always hit the nail on the head, so the cycle continues. Prey seeking predator, they know I know. They smell the blood and in a natural response they go into abuse mode. Character assassination, bullying etc.
When I'm liked or loved I enjoy it to a certain extent, but on a deeper level it makes me anxious, they always turn around, honestly I like formality and neutral demeanor. I guess it's a schizoid tendency, I don't like compliments or excessive love.
Just neutral mild mannered demeanor is something I prefer.
I prefer to not be hated but when I'm doubtful at least hatred i can handle, I'm used to it.
Thank you Pr.Vaknin for this kind sharing.
Why does this life give malignant narcissists children...I was thinking most of my years and did not find an answer. For me the fact that there are malignant narcissists as parents in the world is the ultimate evidence there has never been Love on this Earth... Thank You!!:))!!
It's a form of consistency. And if the world is predictable then there's a form of security.
When someone else tries to superimpose a positive outlook, it seems like mockery. Like someone looking straight at you and denying your state in where one is at. It's a form of deliberate abandonment, which makes it worse also.
Winnecott said “ trauma is the way we react to these events”. What would be a positive reaction of a toddler to a malicious beating by a caregiver since we’re talking about early childhood “trauma”?
This is a really tremendous video. Your candor is truly appreciated.
Incredible video. Thank you!
Love your sense of humor lol
I love it, too.
Thank you Dr. Sam
Thank you Dr. Vaknin! Although in the bit about incest, if we’re talking about incest involving the child, then it’s rape.
Professor, I start my day with your videos. They are incredibly insightful and powerful.
No adults in my family, growing up, ever acted like anything… but that it was normal and fine and good.
I was trauma-ed off of instances not reactions. There were none, so I don’t understand the reasoning.
So they were stoned all the time ?How the fuck you get away with no adults in your house what world did you grow up in ?Were you born in a crate ?
This is what doesn’t make sense never would provoke anyone I tried to be nice if people talked to me but doesn’t matter how nice I am or what I say or do people literally live to hate me since I’ve been a child at school in my family at church at every single job and anyone I ever dated was mentally abusive then would ghost me and all my friends betrayed me and I can’t find anyone can explain why this has happened to me since I’ve been a child get my brothers who are favored by my parents they don’t even have to speak or try in any way to be nice or anything and people automatically like them and flock to them and it’s been this way since thy were children too people would ignore me and give them tons of attention right in front of me and I was a kid and I even then wondered why 😢
I’m with you on this
Yeah this is my experience as well, I've never had a friend in 22 years of life. I've given people thousands of dollars invested enormous amounts of my time into them and it doesn't seem to mean anything. I see other peoples friends arguing with them spreading bad rumours about them stealing from them exploiting them for their material services like their car and it's ability to transport them. I never tried to exploit anyone and I had a highly agreeable and polite personality. And it seems like that hasn't brought me anything good from other people around me. I'm pretty sure that i'm autistic too. Honestly I expect to live through life with no friends or family. I've been a lot happier completely isolated from them even though it absolutely tears me apart, I hate being alone. But I feel like my loneliest surrounded by other people.
What about sexual abuse survivors whose experiences never came to light? Would it be the perpetrator's behavior that would plant the seed of trauma in the child? If it is only the adult behaviors and others don't know, is it that the behavior wasn't in the open, that it was hidden, and that the child was coached to remain quiet? I know more survivors who didn't speak up until decades later, they never saw others' reactions to their abuse, until adulthood.
If the child was coached to remain quiet, it reflects a fear of other people's REACTIONS to the incest - and has nothing to do with the act of incest in itself.
@@diplomasaurus4232 if the adult doesn't coach the child to be silent, the child knowing what happened was wrong could create this effect. The child's own fears, whatever dynamic encouraged the child to hide what happened, contains the judgement and the fear. Combine this with a child's perception of adults as all-knowing or infallible beings. Survivors of child abuse often struggle with feelings of shame, even though their own behavior had nothing to do with the abuse.
If a child doesn't remember to be open about it, I believe this could be an unconscious mechanism of the mind, protecting the child from the information that would threaten their survival-- betrayal of a caretaker.
@@samvaknin I agree. It's like gambling with the little sense of self left. If that gets rejected or someone enters the wound and starts eating, it becomes not worth it. But thats probably way after realizing that something is wrong with oneself after comparing ones state to others. Trust and security potential? Nope. Turn the intensity up a notch.
I came from violence so I would say the comparison in one's own state to others and figuring that what was bestowed onto oneself was incorrect without even vocalizing it is enough to evaluate in thinking the self must be bad and sets off the negative mental states. It's not the violence that was actually bad, it's the relationship in accordance to others which set it off. Abandonment etc etc etc.
@timneish936 I would think the violence is bad, detrimental, dangerous because the witness/child's nervous system will go bezerk, signalling danger and threat to the body and survival. Repeated traumas of this nature can result in a lifetime of emotional dysregulation. I know cos that was my experience.
🤣 1st time watching one of your videos and the 1st line made me laugh out loud thank you for the humour and depth of knowledge 😀 50 year old psych student 🤯
100% the reaction to the horror was what traumatized me 100%
Brilliance!!!
Wow! This is great! Truth there people!!😳
Have heard many of your lectures and enjoyed the way you teach with a great sense of humor. I think it's loving of you to want to make people more aware of narcissistic behaviors in their relationships. This one made me tear up to hear your open honest feelings. I'm sorry for the pain you've endured to get to this point. Thank you for sharing yourself and your knowledge to help others in their life's path.🐕 I couldn't find a (purple) heart emoji, so a dog was the next best thing.
"How could you do such a thing?"
"I don't know. Bad upbringing, I guess."
thank you Prof.
Repetition Compulsion algorimized me here,doing my homework.Thanks again Prof.
Crazy inspiring!!!!1
Since you love the hate, from now on I will love you unconditionally
I hate you! LOL
@@samvaknin Thank you, my pleasure 😉
Would love to hear about Budapest. Congratulations on your move.
...DAMAGED Humans, regrettably, i agree, sadly !😤🙏
Logic says that I must be trash because people keep treating me that way.
Someone comes along and says, “no, you are wonderful.”
Shut up! Don’t lie to me. I suck. If I don’t believe that I am trash then I will feel a whole other level of pain by feeling what was done to me was unjust. If I hate myself then people are at least just in the way they treat me.
What was done to you was unjust and you were smeared by people close to you for them to feel good and without agreeing with them you would have had no connection with them. But its a bubble of illusion and you can escape and fight the fight in your mind
Idk why but sometimes I like it when someone hates me. I usually just make them hate me even more. Specially jealous co workers.
Thank you
Cheers
Yep I hate everyone and everyone hates me so it evens itself out.
Good morning 🌅
I GRIN
..I HATE .I COULD .I SHOULD LOVE THESE negative comments. ...You could now be easily dissected by my real interpretation of my human experience..hate is easily thought of and assimilating IS FAMILAR I knEw prison and I know death is inevitable.WHEN HOW WERE ,ALONE EITHER WAY..let's see who's more committed.....WERE IS THE OBJECT GONNA FROM?I DONT CARE. BUT YOU PROBABLY DO....anxious....thx sam.YOU ARE DOING A GOOD SERVICE THE ONES THAT CAN STILL BE CORRECTED AS WELL AS THE ABUSERS ACCOUTABLE. . . .THE SIGHT OF LOVE I SEE In OTHERS .. KEEPS BASELINE....
Well that was uplifting
I love your electric blue shirt. Your glass of chilled blood matches the cool mood of your shirt.
You zeroed in onto the core of this presentation! Congrats on this display of incisive intelligence!
Hi! You've a gorgeous picture on your profile! Just decided to stop by and say hi. I hope my compliment is appreciated 😏
Blue is the warmest colour💙
Jus like when a child falls they dont cry most of the time unless they really get hurt but if the adults around tend to react then the child does and thts probably the closest comparison i can make between trauma and even though its always bad things happening around its how we take it
HAHA! I actually started watching your videos because you looked like Lacan, and as an argentinian psychoanalyst, i was attracted to that, of course.
Sculptured by Hatred, Raised by Hellfire..👑🖤we walk through walls the darkly lit halls the mirror of our soul the vampire of my heart dreams of Lost Love👻
Is it possible to change this behaviour?
I wouldn't of cared if what was imposed was actually accurate in how to navigate life.
It sucks, the remedy wasn't and then societal forms weren't either. So one of the things I'm only glad with, is being able to trial and error quicker and not invest so much of myself into believing the initial presentation until It's come to the standard of integrity. Then I can put "some" weight on it.
Me in a nutshell... It's reliving that I'm not the only one
I luv A red wine too.
That's some good blood. Hilarious 😂
Good vintage. You zeroed in onto the core of this presentation! Congrats on this display of incisive intelligence!
How to make a serial killer. Trauma mind control
How would you do trauma mind control? And could they learn from working in a mental health facility? I'm sure my abuser knew what she was doing but can't prove it ...records are sealed the usual can't look stuff up even though it would help me but puzzle pieces...love cptsd just love it .........
Blood😂...getting your blood supply back🤣
Lol. Blood of the God’s you mean.
Donald woods winicoat
Winnicott.
Hahahaha. Is it truly wine? 🤔
I know someone who had to have sex as a 5 year old with older women and his therapist kept saying to him this was abuse you must be traumatized by it, and he kept saying no I wasn't I didn't mind it at all so shut up about it I had fun 😆 I thought it was strange but your explanation makes so much sense to me now, and about the second bit, if you're loved does that feel like you failed to be you?
I think this person is very likely trying to condone sexual abuse. I guarantee he hates old woman now and prefers children although will deny it. I wouldn't let him near your children if I were you.