What it looks like to EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS in a healthy way
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- čas přidán 25. 09. 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
When you meet a healthy person, you will understand why it never worked out with the narcissist.
Where are the healthy people at? 😂
@@Shellchevy😂❤😂
😂😂😂
@@Shellchevyalready taken by other healthy people.
@YouilAushana
The truest words ever spoken💯🔥
They don't want your opinion, they want their opinion in your voice 🙄
Right it's like being back in school
Well said
Exactly! You can only voice your opinion if you agree with theirs.
Well put 🎯💯
Wow, you're right.
I'd never thought of it like that before. Unfortunately, when narcissists are bad at communication it's a minefield if you try to guess what they want. Get that wrong and they'll give you hell.
A therapist once told me that "cussed independence" is a trauma symptom, and I gasped aloud. Some of us deal with constantly not having our needs met from birth by becoming unwilling to ask for help even when we desperately need it, because the lesson we've learned is that asking just opens you up for rage or ridicule or escalation. Or if help is provided, it comes with strings (more like chains) attached.
Some folks adapt to this pain by stopping asking. If they can't meet a need on their own, it simply goes unmet, even if not meeting that need causes huge issues in their lives.
Some even decide to wear this particular trauma response as a badge of honor. And I think our society reinforces that. I've had folks of my acquaintance say to me, "You're such a strong woman." Yes. Because none of them stepped up even when they saw the abuse.
I've been working on learning how to ask for help when I need it, and also how to accept help when it's offered in a healthy way.
I need to learn this
Well said and relatable. Inner child work has made it easier for me to ask for help. Growing up I was only allowed to be the helper, never the one being helped. All the best to you in healing. It is brave to take on this work.
I find it hard now to accept kindness from others as I'm suspicious as the years with a narc friend I think have closed me down.. and I try to be a friendly guy and I do things for people with no obligation but other week a lady in the store offered me her parking voucher which is worth about 1.50 off shopping she didn't need it and was just seeing who she could pass it on to and I was so guarded I didn't take it.. it really worried me afterwards made me think is not first time I've turned down good things simple gestures not sure why but with my friend there's always strings attached and anything like that my alarm bells go off.. I need to work on this as I know it can ruin connections with people.. small example I guess but if happens enough times it builds up!?
Bingo! So well said!
I'm there.
My friend looked surprised when I told him I needed reassurance this weekend. I had never asked for it. I'd never asked him for anything. I just wanted a friend. He wasn't used to me asking for anything , let alone reassurance. It took him a second to register.
He gave it to me but I've been thinking about that since it happened. Even my friends are used to me just being strong all by myself and not needing anything. That's not anything to be proud of. That's messed up.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Thanks. Raised by a pack of wolves. Now that I am free, learning how to be a human being. It’s embarrassing, but I am making progress.
P.S. Didn’t mean to insult the wolves
Kinda makes me think of that "greystoke" movie. Curiously I was accused of being like the main character by some narcissist in the past.
Kinda odd experience that was.
I see it as empowering not embarrassing 🫶🏽
I grew up in a narc cult family so I really have no idea what health looks like.
"narc cult family" -superhero for surviving that. All the best to you.
I hate how when I tell a person in real life that I grew up in an emotionally abusive toxic narcissistic family system they just start talking about starving kids in Africa and spoiled entitled soft millennials.
And cult leaders lose their influence and control if they don’t keep you isolated.
@@PassionateFlowerthat sucks. No one understands until they’ve lived it.
I sure didn’t understand until it was done to me in adulthood by my ex. And is being done to my children now by their dad.
same. we have to keep trying to find models and figure out what healthy expectations are and then have those expectations.
All my life I was my sister's handyman (I'm female). Anything that needed fixing, I'd go round to her place and either fix it or suggest who might. After decades of this, I was time pressed so I phone her, knowing she had 2 weeks off of work and the following month she had 3 more weeks off, and I asked her if she would like to come to my new place and help me spackle nail holes in the walls as I prepare to paint. She yelled "Well that's just great! Now I have to spend my whole Christmas vacation helping YOU spackle your walls!!" It was mid November. It would take an hour. I had never asked for her help before and I never asked her again. No contact.
Well done on no contact. It is so hard, but necessary for health.
Wow! What a selfish b! Good on you for taking care of yourself! JFC. 🤕
Best thing!❤
Wow what a spoiled brat!
I have a sister like this too. My sympathies . They are always shocked when you tell them you don't need them anymore.
I experienced alot of shaming, backbiting, and or flat out ignored when I expressed opinions, events, needs, etc. It was most common when I was a child. After a loooong while I learned to keep quiet about it all so that no info was jot down and used against me. Ive became somewhat mute and refuse to share among people. Thats how damaging nacrs can be.
I never realized it, but I was close to mute during elementary and middle school, because of my immediate family. When people say they remember me, they say I was so quiet. I remember being terrified, but not the quiet. I felt like I said way more than enough.
Are you my twin?!😅
Same here! And I was so surprised when I encountered people where I felt safe expressing my needs. They respected them instead of yelling at me.
You have been silenced.
It’s sad that we get silenced and then still get told that we are the problem because we are silence.
Already our lives are complicated enough dealing with day-to-day things that we don't need these people to make it worse.
Pardon me, are you still going to think about them?? Your comment stopped me. I'm sorry for the pain. I know what you are referring to. Yet you can heal if you focus on what the other want.
What do you want?
Gaslighting! Ugh. The worst. My narcissistic ex left me after 9 years. I was devastated. They then continued to ask me out and not understand why I kept saying no. Even having the nerve to say they were sad because I was rejecting them. They also tried to tell me that the photo of them on Facebook with their new supply, wasn’t real. It was “not what I was actually seeing!”
I set clear boundaries and they are constantly trampled on. It’s exhausting.
I’m now in a new relationship with a non narc, I often find myself apologizing for things, and he looks at me and asks why I’m apologizing… it sometimes feels like a trick.
Narcissists are the worst! Stay strong my friends, you deserve to feel good and loved.
Sarah, may you feel peace and heal. Just a little suggestion, please stop using they them jargon. It is non sensible . Hooe you get the best in life
@@aniqabano1582interesting… I may be do this myself. Do you mean she should say “he” instead of “they”? Just making sure I understand your comment
@@aniqabano1582 it isn’t “non sensible” at all - sometimes there’s a reason why someone doesn’t want to reveal another person’s gender that doesn’t have anything to do with other reasons people use that pronoun.
Yes, I had to learn to stop apologizing and over-explaining. One true friend brought this to my attention a few months ago. I was thankful.
OMG. I HAVE tried to do everything myself. I've arranged my life to be as self-sufficient and independent as possible. Knew that mindset was a result of a lack of trust in others, but yes--lurking in the background is a fear that I will be ridiculed or criticized or ignored for expressing my needs--for HAVING needs!
Same! I got shamed by my narc family if I ever dared to express my needs, so I silenced myself. I got disappointed by them so many times too, so I became very independent and don't rely on others anymore.
So true...and so exhausting...and confusing (being conditioned to believe you're selfish just for having normal, human needs)...
I have done the same! Except in my family I get help if I ask for it, just not the help I need, rather the help THEY think I need! And if I express and specify my real need, I get accused of being ungrateful or they just get plain insulted and won't help me anyway 🙈😂. It's like you can't win, so I'd rather do it myself 🤷 I am slowly learning how to ask good friends and healthy people for help though when I need it, and they are more than happy to oblige, since they know I'm always helping them out if they need me, they like being able to give something back! That's a lesson I've had to learn; that healthy people feel good about themselves when they get to help someone out that they care about. And that one should let them have that joy ❤️ (after all, I feel the same way!). Sending lots of love to all of you who have survived narcissistic relations! ❤️❤️❤️
I hear you. Twenty years ago, I was described as being independent to a fault. I was raised by two narcissistic parents and cannot ask for help. My father would say that asking for help was a weakness. On the rare occasion that someone helps we without my asking, I feel like I owe them for the rest of my life. Sigh.
I’ve had mixed experiences - sometimes I got shamed for expressing needs, crying when legitimately upset or sometimes even when being physically sick (not very often, and the shaming wasn’t consistent. In fact there were a few other things that were also, weirdly inconsistent…), and other times got what I needed without even trying that hard.
My adoptive dad was a narc, a-mum the enabler/somewhat overwhelmed-but-still-martyr-ish chaos janitor.
My ex-husband told me that I was selfish when I decided to get sober! He said that I was depriving him because he liked it when I drank…! He tried several times to sabotage my sobriety, as well…! I did not know there was such a thing as narcissism until I went back to college after the divorce and what a validating experience!!!!
I can relate to you. My ex-drinking-buddies were annoying to ask me to go for drinking after I became sober. Finally I went no contact with them.
Yep, some narcs would get/keep you addicted on purpose.
Omg 🤦♀️I haven't had this exact experience but I can relate to the absurdity lol. It's of the same mind as when the cluster b person in my life said I was being a b word because by ASKING to be treated with decency it was as though I was trying to "force him" to act some particular way 🤣. I mean, some of the things they say are laughable if you're used to using humor to cope lol.
@@LSMH528Hzmy dad that did that to my mom. Just now realised that he did it on purpose and then complained about her alcohol abuse when he brought home the alcohol to control her abuse.
Growing up, and even into early adulthood, if I expressed a need to my mother, she would appear to oblige, but she'd make it clear it was an inconvenience, and she'd often find a way to twist it around so that, in the end, I didn't get what I needed/wanted, but some humiliating version of what she understood. She'd basically manipulate me into regretting I ever asked.
((HUG)) That sucks. It's also familiar. Your mother and mine were working from the same playbook.
May you have joy in the present and future
@@genevalawrence801 they're rather unimaginable, aren't they. Hug much appreciated. Sending love and warmth back.
That was my father for me.
@@M_SC thank you! I am much happier these days and I intend to make it last. All the best to you, too.
We had a power outage last summer. It was widespread and none of the traffic lights were working. My neighbor came down and wanted a ride 20 minutes away to get her car that was in a shop. She had no idea if it was ready, or not. I said I'd rather not go today, how about we wait until the power goes back on. I had to say no 3 times. Needless to say, she stomped off, and ignored me for about 4 months. Sooner or later they drop their masks, and you know exactly who you are dealing with. In the past I would have taken her and gone against my gut. Today, thanks to Dr. Ramani, I know how to say no and not feel guilty. It is a beautiful thing. :)
inspired! good for you
"Expressing a need" to a narcissist is such a newbie move.
Because if you express a need...then they will know what you need. And they'll use it against you.
It's like telling them when something they did/said hurt you. They won't avoid it, they will do it even more !
We quickly end up playing opposite day : if I need something I say I don't need it, if I want to avoid something I say I want it.
We never go straight to the point, always beat around the bush, mislead, digress...
Like a bird going to its nest by making detours after detours to try and hide the nest's exact spot from predators.
Exhausting, yes.
Maddening, too.
Thank you, Dr. We often forget what healthy is supposed to look like. At least I know I do.
Side note about the part "how a healthy person responds to a demand":
all of this is valid for healthy and reasonable needs and demands.
I mean, I don't feel like a narc if I straight up refuse to bend backward to accomodate a very unreasonable demand from someone.
I said "hell no !" with no apologize just this morning to an absolutly bonker request.
Don't feel guilty at all.
@@tsuba666I don’t think this is a channel about “healthy people.”
They are mentally ill . Crazy or just criminally insane . They have no conscience about the cruelty and lie's .
Thank you Dr. Roumini
I became a dishonest person interacting with the narcissist. 😢
I have a friend who was experiencing health problems. She was diagnosed with an intolerance for dairy. She and her child are living with her parents due to financial hardship. When she told her narc mother she needed to remove dairy because its making her sick her mother made sure EVERY meal she served had dairy products in it from yhen on.
That's not just narcissistic but psychotic, what the hell 🤢😰
Please tell your friend about lastase pills. She can get them OTC at any drugstore. Lactaid is the name brand, but every store has their generic version, too. The pharmacist can advise her on dosage. If her mother continues to be so horrible, your friend can take her health into her own hands. I hope she gets out of her mother's house soon.
I have learned over time that it is okay to disagree with the people we love, and it is also okay to express a need or a want, but just like you said, healthy people are flexible. Thank you for this ❤
If you're still in it... ask your simple, healthy needs/wants to the Narc. Then, secretly record them and listen to it later. The future faking, the gaslighting is so very real.
I realize now that being unable to express my needs stopped me from having a relationship. It was easier just to be alone then to say that I wanted something or disliked something.
I grew up with narcissists and was shamed for expressing needs, so I suppressed them. I was so surprised that I can do that in front of others and they respect it, instead of blowing up.
Yes! The first time I dared to cry in front of somebody (well into adulthood) and they actually helped me and were kind about it, I was shocked!
I recently had a win. A friend was taking me to run my errands (even though I have a car, sometimes I need that help or I won't go) and there was a 3rd stop I needed to make. Before I would have just stayed silent as I had been trained by Narc parent not to have needs. As we were nearing the shop (that was on the way home) a part of me wanted to stay silent, but I forced myself to say, "hey do you mind if we stop here". They did not and I felt so good and proud of myself!!!!!
I am literally working on this exact thing
@@ozzieenglelewis 🫂🗣❤!
I pray that every single person trapped in a narcissistic relationship finds it’s way out and is kind to themselves towards their healing process because the wounds are deeper than we realize. ❤
Way deeper yeah…
A group of women friends were meeting in a friend's house once and the husband of this friend was chatting with us. The hostess came in and casually asked the husband to leave as she wants to spend time with her friends. The husband said "ok" and told his byes and left, no fuss, no tantrums, no end of the world drama. I literally gasped when my friend asked him to leave, expecting the world to fall apart. That is when I realized what a clear difference there is with a healthy person and how a narcissistic person can create terror if his needs are not met, but never reciprocate in the same manner.
Learning the differences between healthy and unhealthy personalities was really a game-changer for me. We've all heard that saying "it takes all types of people to make up the world" a saying that can mislead you into thinking that you have to deal with or tolerate everyone you come in contact with, and you're not a well-rounded person if you can't. Another game changer was learning that I can simply disengage, that I don't have to try to reason with unhealthy types once I spot them, or convince them to see my point of view, just pull back. However it's still not always that simple, because if these types can't get something out of you in for example a work environment, they might try to sabotage you or get you fired.
That was what happened to me in my work environment.
That's why in a work environment it pays to tolerate them and even give them compliments, build them up, or just agree with them and do your own thing anyway later. Anything to take their evil focus off you so you can get on with your affairs. It's not ideal and it's not healthy, but when it comes to our jobs, especially if we like them, I'd choose that option and practice authenticity outside of work where someone has less chance of sabotaging us, rather than endangering our livelihood. Some people who are really skilled can even manipulate the narcissist to make them think they thought of the idea, that's way too advanced for me.
I've bent over backwards so much, I'm exhausted. The hardest part is the rejection of emotional needs. Especially because it takes a long long time to understand what's really going on. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Yes! My narc parents gave me money and material stuff I never asked for, so they think they did an amazing job. But they completely neglected me emotionally and I was ridiculed for expressing any needs.
@@aynilaa you reminded me of my parents when I was growing up. They used to give me really expensive presents, like jewelry. I lost every single one of them. I would blank out and couldn't remember where I put them. That's the explanation...
The thing where you ask for some emotional connection or recognition you get accused you're after their money again. "remember you already got that 2 dollar disney keychain when you were 6"??!!! The keychain was probably already compensation for not going to disneyland but going on a holiday they liked, like some whiskey tasting tour in Scotland or something like that making some ridiculous claims that disney keychain will be a collectable someday so you should keep is in safe storage for the rest of your life and don't squander it like you do with everything.
@@dianas2766 I wondered where a lot of stuff (expensive or not) went.
Till I found out my narc sister was hoarding it all.
I guess she's been doing that from when she was like 6 or something, or maybe like since I was born.
She learned from her parents to accept material possession(s) as compensation for emotional needs so she craves them.
No matter I spend weeks searching for that stuff.
She even hoards my baby pictures, because she figures that's part of her youth memories and so she should have them. I suggested these day's it's easy to copy photo's but no. At best she would select some I could have herself, but specially not the ones I like It's not only the possession but also the denying access to stuff like those pictures that hold childhood memories for me at least.
It kinda shows that do know emotional needs even though they got it distorted into materialism, greed, envy, covetousness.
You'dd be surprised at how far they will go to get their sick and twisted compensation needs met.
It could be another narcissist red flag, when stuff goes missing all the time.
Even when I did my very best and gave in to all demands, the narcissist wasn't satisfied. I finally woke up and ultimately decided to do what made me happy. It took a minute for the narcissist to realize what was going on. 😅
Before you can express what you want, you need someone who listens actively and cares.
this is true. looking for the gems out there that have this capacity for give and take. I am so drained
Cares is the key word. My experience time and again, most people don't give a crap.
I was raised to meet other people’s needs. If daring to ask, as I grew older, made to feel needy. Finally have learned to ask or state straightforwardly… working on the not feeling apologetic part.
Lost some “friends”. Good to to learn they weren’t!
You know… it’s harder for me to recognize narcissistic personality style in people with whom we share a lot of interests. I suppose it is because you agree with them so much. This video is helping me to see the unhealthiness in one of mine, having experienced severe emotional backlash in expressing my need in two extenuating circumstances.
Thank you for this, Dr Ramani. Your videos help me see through my own fog, bringing clarity out of shadows ❤
Yes, I have an ex friend narc who I’ve recently spent some time talking to and we have such a strong common interest she’s quite fun and easy- until she stabs you emotionally suddenly. I always knew there was something very wrong but it’s so important to know the patterns WELL because you can still fall in. Keep studying narcissism and keep you friends narcs at arms length. You don’t have to avoid, but maintain boundaries, never relax.
@@M_SC And "stabs you emotionally suddenly" is a big one, too. If it's out of the blue, that can be so disorienting. If it's under specific situations, then if it's worth it, you can be aware to not walk into those. Seems like a lot of work, though, doesn't it? Lol, might be better to just extend your circle and make different friends. Doing that, too.
...sounds like you had some predatory narcissists attaching themselves to you? Well, all the very best of luck in strengthening your circle of empaths. P.S. two severe backlashs during extenuating circumstances? Is anything beneath them?
Thank for helping me understand this terrible family tragedy. At 73 I’m just understanding this
So true about the sullen baby routine. I stood firm about doing what *I* wanted maybe 3 times over DECADES of my covert narc ex-friend getting her way. The fact that she would rather have a pathetic tantrum than let me enjoy it or even enjoy herSELF says so much about the need for CONTROL even in the sneakier narc types. It still occasionally makes me angry when I remember how she sabotaged the ONE thing that was really important to me on a shared vacation by making us late. We still drove there and she didn't get to do the thing she wanted, but she made sure to spoil it for me. F narcs!
So glad I see her entitlement clearly now and am FREE!!! 😀❤✈🌎
I’m 7 years narcissist free
🎉🎉🎉👍👍🥳🥳
🎉 well done for making it this far
I try my best to not ask for or expect help. I learned with my ex-husband not to be drawn into any discussions the involved him wanting my opinion or feedback on something because I started to feel like I was being asked my thoughts just so that he could tell me how wrong I was and do what he wanted anyway. My standard answer when he wanted to spend money, go somewhere, ask what I wanted to eat even became honey, whatever you wanted is fine with me. I trust you and your decision. I did that because if I told him my real thoughts, he was going to do the opposite, but sometimes when I didn't express an opinion, he would actually manage to do what I wanted. At his point I am pretty much not willing to express or expose much of myself at all because all of my life I have found out from parents, friends, and lovers that anything I say can and will be used against me, and if they actually do something to accommodate me, I will pay for it far and above what it was worth.
Oh dear, I find myself relating to some of the narcissistic responses in this video, not because I’m a narcissist, but because I’m neurodivergent. I watch this sort of video making mental notes of how I’m supposed to react, and thinking “yikes, this is why I don’t have a lot of friendships”
its different-you are not getting satisfaction from another's pain and that is the a big difference
The fact you’re taking notes on how to help make things better for yourself, and in turn better for others you interact with, speaks volumes, too.
I tried to explain to my therapist that I have narcissistic family members. He didn't get it and told me I just have to express my needs and everything will be fine🤦🏻♀️
I've experienced something similar, I never outright told my therapist that they were a narcissist. Therapists call this skill "self advocacy" and "interpersonal effectiveness" and its great to learn getting more comfortable expressing what you want or need. And there's also the deep sadness when you do the work and express the need all for the narcissist to say "oh I'm too busy with ___fill in the blank__." Or they invalidate or minimize the need you just expressed.
We have to remember we got quiet for a reason. Most likely because the people in our lives stopped showing up for us. Alot of therapists just don't get it
@@schrysanthemum Exactly. Whenever I express a need, the narcs minimise, gaslight and yell at me. How dare I have needs when they're the most important person on the planet. To them, other people's needs are inconveniences.
Your first issue is that he's a "he" 😂
Find you a better therapist. I have a sweet Woman who helps me process stuff, validates me, and holds me accountable 💖
@aynilaa when I did it I got the Darvo response. Dr ramani has some great videos on it. It's where they Deny, get Angry, and Reverse the Victom Offender role. Cause speaking out about what you need activates feelings of shame so then they have to defend. I've had my mom say before "I guess I'm just such a bad mom" and then it's like they've won the conversation. You wanna have the conversation to be understood, they want to win and deflect shame
@@schrysanthemum I've experienced this many times and my mum says stuff like that too.
When she describes how good people who care about you respond to a request, I cried
Timing on this is perfect. I just started dating a gent who is showing so many negative signs . This is a perfect wake up call to maybe walk away from this relationship. I have asked him for a couple of hours for a surprise date and you would think I was trying to pull his toenails out without anesthetic. After having a lifelong history of narcissistic relationships with parents and marriage, I have to learn not to be a victim of this kind of treatment. Thanks for the redirection.
Brilliant. For some of us, learning what healthy behavior looks like is like learning a new language. These examples are critical. Thank you!
I had to set a boundary with a friend recently, and he gave me a genuine apology and respected my boundary. So simple, but after 17 years with a narcissistic partner it was mindblowing. Like, that’s how that’s supposed to work?
Learning how to ask for help is so hard. I have been surprised by my friends who are safe and healthy that give help without judgment. It seems like a miracle. I had to do everything by myself for myself before. It takes special grace for me to accept praise, or help, still suspicious.
THIS!!
This type of information (“What Healthy XYZ Looks Like”) can do so much for society. 1) Give a roadmap to healthy for people exiting narcissistic relationships, 2) Teach people who grew up in toxic families what healthy looks like so they can attract healthy relationships, avoiding toxic ones, 3) Educate those who grew up in healthy families to more easily recognize toxicity, and avoid it, 4) Educate the general public about narcissistic traits in a compare/contrast format that’s non-threatening, and 12:59 5) Give parents who escaped and are co-parenting with a narcissist (and are legally not allowed to “undermine the children’s relationship with the other parent” by telling the truth) content to our teenagers that will aid them in identifying toxic vs healthy partners, reducing the generational curse that is narcissistic abuse.
I’ve listened to you for over three years, now, and I’ve loved everything you’ve ever done. You gave me clarity and got me healthy enough to leave with the kids, and to stay strong and stay out. Thank you.
Please, please, pretty please, with a cherry on top, consider doing more of this “What Healthy XYZ Looks Like” content. This educational, compare/contrast approach is non-threatening, reaches a very broad audience, allows for people to introspectively make their own decisions, and “sell themselves” into choosing healthy.
What a good message dr Ramani. Healthy people feel just good to be around and relationships with them feel good as well! Thank you for your wisdom and good heart dr Ramani. ❤
I've always struggled to use my holiday allowance at work. Including to attend hospital appointments (MRI scans for cancer) or my father's funeral.
I’m here for the NEW WAY post-abuse !!
Let’s Go!!
I’ve been asking my one “healthy relationship” girlfriend whose married what does healthy look like in this or that… ❤
Gosh, I needed this video so much. I've always struggled with the gaslighting words of my mother saying that I'm the problem every time there is tension with another person. She has had me thinking that I had unrealistic and unfair expectations of others. Now I know for sure what inside I felt that I have been surrounded by unhealthy people that do not respond well to my expression of any need or preference. It had become my normal, sadly.
As a side note... I get frightened every time my narcissistic parent wants to do something for me because it is akin to a Trojan Horse, I just never know what horrible things are lying in wait after I accept what they are offering, no matter how small a thing. I am fearful in asking for help or receiving help now because of the responses I received from family my entire life.
❤ Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You help make this recovery journey not seem so lonely. I feel seen and understood by you and this amazing online community.
Thank you for telling how healthy people communicate. There is so many videos about narcissistic abuse and that is important, but I miss videos like this one, it helps me to think about what I want as opposed to thinking what I do want. This was a breath of fresh air.
I've been catching up on your videos and it occurred to me what the worst part of a narcissist really is. It's that they look, act, and sound very normal. But they are anything but normal. But it's the inclination of ourselves to give them the power of being normal in that we give them credibility that their opinions are valid. We start to give into what they say is true. And then the cannibalism of our spirits begin. I have to constantly remind myself that my daughter is sick, antagonistic, with deep dives into narcissism and sociopathy. But she looks and sounds so confidant that if I don't watch myself, I start to give her too much credit for being human.
Thank you for all your support, Dr. Ramani! You have really helped my wife, my kids and me. Narcissistic folks have been woven all through our lives, it seems to be an epidemic.
Same unfortunately!
Same.
Same. Out of 6 in family, 3 are narcissists. Me, my father and brother weren't/aren't narcissists but it is clear my 2 sisters and mother are. My brother and father died and I'm left with 3 of the most difficult people on the planet. And I married a narcissistic but genetic cancer took him out. Ugh. I've made my peace with just having longtime friends as family. Much more pleasant.
@@jokendrick2124ugh, it feels horrible 😢 Hope you moved away and went no contact with your toxic family members!
Thank you so much! Without parental examples of normalcy, we would have little hope! You and your videos are such a godsend! Thank you!
Whenever I have expressed a need, it was always exactly like you said in this video.
I wouldn't know what to do or how to act if I had a normal spouse. I've been in the relationship for almost 16 years now, 3 years separated & divorce papers got mailed yesterday.
Thank you again, great message. Still working on this one. And still surrounded by systems and folks who give way too much push back when I do express needs and healthy reasonable wants in objectively healthy and considerate ways.
My family (of origin) dynamic is narcissistic. If I talked, best case scenario was I got verbally cut off. Worst case scenario was physical abuse. I don’t even mean anything like talking back, either; I’m talking simple conversation, like what you were saying- I couldn’t share a difference of opinion let alone a core belief I had about anything. I could not even complete a sentence. So I grew up being extremely shy and quiet; still am to this day. I was finally over my panic attacks by the time i met my now-husband; til a couple years ago, I got hoovered back into the family dynamic and found myself back in square one. Your videos gave me the bravery I needed all over again to go no-contact, and it been 9 months since I’ve spoken to any of them. However, I’ve been continuously struggling with panic attacks again (which I’ve been doing therapy for). My therapist told me I’m an “extrovert in disguise” because I actually do love people and socializing; I’m just always scared to speak up.
Your videos always have the perfect timing for me. I just wanted to tell you I commented on one of your videos a few weeks ago saying I was getting out. Yesterday I was granted a no contact order and hopefully when I go back to court it will become permanent and he will be out of my life for good. Thanks to my healthy friends and family and you I found my strength to take action! Thanks Dr Ramani! You are a gift!
The introduction is everything!!!!
Between a narcissistic mother and narcissistic spouse, I really have no idea how to express a need. I just do it myself or panic and end up circling as I ask for help because absolutely no one can do everything alone.😢
Thank you so much for these videos🥺
Yep, you're left to your own devices but you do get accused for not getting along like other people from other families.
Thanks for covering empowering topics. I want to move forward.
One of the most absolutely venomous forms of gaslighting that I've experienced was if I expressed a need, they would appear to take it to heart, but nothing ever changed (so basically future-faking), but they would ALSO turn around and use it against me. It created a deep, visceral fear that not just expressing my needs, but ANYTHING that was an expression of vulnerability would be used against me, and that's been a real challenge as I move forward and try to build healthy relationships.
Loved the video. We all need a reminder of what healthy looks like after being through narcissistic abuse. I also especially loved the part about how people react to not being able to express their needs. Very useful as always. Thanks Dr.Ramani!
I am out of the narcissistic relationship and finally in a healthy one but sometimes I feel like I am questioning what healthy looks like or i will be surprised when he does things for me or just because it needs to be done and to him its no big deal! I feel like a crazy person because sometimes I want to cry because I am so grateful of all the ways he helps. He just does it. And if I make a mistake or forget to do something its not a federal case. I know hes a good guy and not a narcissist but part of me is so used to the toxic behavior i can hardly believe im in a relationship where it is not present. How do you get used to healthy?
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. I agree that needs and their expression are one of the hardest and trickiest things I deal with after growing up in a narcissistic family and a few narcissistic relationships. And by the way, I’m in full support of all the gorgeous colours and patterns you are wearing. That suits you so well.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Such an important topic!
Growing up, when my dad would shame, gaslight, and invalidate me for expressing needs, I would cry and yell because I just didn't know how else to respond (so I was labeled the 'difficult child')...but in public, I was too afraid to even express needs and emotions. Now that I'm older, I've figured out that staying calm and sticking to the facts can be really helpful if you are in the uncomfortable position of needing help from a narcissistic person. Of course, they'll still try their best to make you feel terrible for asking, but facts are facts, and if you're presenting them clearly & calmly (and patiently), deep down they know they're gonna end up looking pretty foolish if they continue to give you a hard time about it...But yeah, there are definitely some people who shouldn't be asked for help, 'cuz they're just not capable of giving it.
I grew up in a narcissistic household and have some of these same tendencies now so this video is helpful on all fronts. Thanks for bringing to my awareness.
Me too. I am awful at leaving it until the last minute to cancel something with someone. I get anxious, try and encourage myself to "just go" but end up failing.
Getting a “yes” from a narcissist is actually scary… because what comes attached? Getting a “yes” from a normal person feels safe. Absolutely agree that a normal person will be honest about what they can do / cannot do, and try to offer alternatives or solutions if they can’t help.
Sometimes it helps me to think how I would respond or how a good friend would respond. If someone asks me for something, I try to help and if I can’t help, then I suggest some alternatives.
It should never be a problem to think different then others. Accept to disagree if you cannot find mutual ground.
Instant resistance. Reflexive push back. No. Matter. What.
Me: "Could you slow down please? We nearly got hit. Why are you driving so crazy?" Him: "I DIDN'T WANT TO COME OUT HERE. I ONLY DID IT FOR YOU!!!" 😡😡😡
This has been my biggest challenge… after so many years of cognitive dissonance, I’m still struggling to figure out how to respond. Most times, I just don’t. But the struggle having false information out there, it keeps me a defensive position. I don’t know how to get out of it…
I asked for more “affection” and he said I’m trying to change him because I asked for more, and that’s a classic case of narcissism. This is what he said to me. That me expressing my wants and needs is narcissistic because I’m trying to change him.
Doctor Ramani, thank you for another great video, I really appreciate what you do ❤In my experience, sometimes it's really hard to decide which is better, to express your needs or to keep them to yourself.
In my relationship, every time I expressed a need, I was either ignored, called selfish, or there was another option - my need was actually noticed and my partner would make some sacrifices to make me feel like I mattered... and then, at some point in the future, sooner or later, she lashed out at me and said how demanding and self-centred I was and how much she had to sacrifice. After a few years, I learned not to express my needs at all, to keep them to myself, and this is what happened: I was called childish and immature for never saying what I wanted and never expressing any opinions. I was also accused of not treating my narcissistic partner seriously, not sharing anything with her, like adult people should do, etc. So, either way, I ended up being the bad one. I have one more observation. Not expressing your needs can, in the long term, make you forget you have needs at all. Or you might stop recognising them, or you may no longer know what opinions you hold on different subjects. It's like losing touch with yourself. I guess this happens more often in cases of children of narcissistic parents, but it could happen in long-term romantic relationships as well.
Agree! I grew up with narcissists and didn't even know my needs at first. When I carefully expressed them, I got ridiculed, so I stopped.
@@aynilaa❤
I realized I was not too old to learn about my needs and my opinions. Living with a narcissist, I gave myself away and forgot who I was for a long time.
@@marieborchardt2910 🎉 Congrats...All the best to you for a much happier, brighter future 🙏🕊️✨✨
I can't thank you enough for this video, Dr. Ramani!! Having grown up in a household where the only interests, hobbies, and opinions that mattered were those of the narc parent, I am still (as an adult with a *mortgage*) taking baby steps in making my voice heard in relationships and life in general. 💖🙏
Thank you Dr Ramani. This is really helpful as growing up any need I had was deemed “selfish” and therefore in adulthood I still find it almost impossible to express a need as I think I am being selfish. I always apologise for anything I ask. At 55 this is such a hard programme to break, even with therapy. And yes, my mum at 85 still shames and throws the “you’re so selfish” or with preferences “you’re so fussy” at me if I don’t do what she or someone else in the family wants me to do
I am always burned out. I have to rationalize and beg for help from my immediate family. Its just me and a rambunctious toddler. I can't do it alone, but I really wish I could develop a real network.
((HUG)) Been there. It's hard to develop a network while also living with the human whirlwind that is a toddler.
I have gone through hell dealing with this on my own for so long. I'm supposed to be starting school in january to become a trauma therapist. I really hope I'll be able to join the program in january.
Can't thank Dr. Ramani enough. This is just what I wanted to listen. A narcissistic person makes you feel so low and worthless when you need any help. I m dealing with it for years. Every time I try to build up from my pieces, it's so exhausting
Super valuable insight into the world of actually receiving healthy responses to my needs, wants and opinions, because as the saying goes; you don't know what you don't know! So this was a really appreciated insight among "so many" others! Thank you Professor, sincerely!
For nearly ten years I have actively sought to surround myself only with emotionally healthy people. I'm still taken aback when I express a need and I DON'T receive whining or criticism in return. It literally surprises my nervous system every single time, because I involuntarily brace myself to be devalued.
It is just extremely hard to see for me. As a child I was neglected but not abused. So if someone I love tells me I’m needy, codependent, handful, self centered for wanting to hang out with him once a week I totally believe it. If I explain myself and am not heard, because I’m so used to I don’t even realize it. I just apologize and feel like the conversation goes in circles because I’m not explaining well and I’m all that he said.
But neglect IS abuse. Once I understood that, a lot of things became clear to me.
I wish you success in your healing journey.
You’re none of those things for wanting to spend a bit of time with someone. Once a week isn’t that much to ask for.
I'm at the stage right now where I'd rather do everything myself because I'm still quite afraid of most other people. I can reason with myself all day that most other people won't have adverse reactions, but my body hasn't quite gotten that memo yet.
This woman is the finest, most smart and amazing 😍
Your dialog examples here are so helpful💕
This is a key example of there being one set of rules for the narcissist and another set for everyone else. It is another way that people are only objects to the narcissist and nothing more.
I only share if it will help others; I've learnt to, it's safer.
We should never have to have fear asking anyone for basic or any needs. Its insane to even think about this.
I am the mother of a covert narcissitic daughter and another daughter who manipulates. I have recently come to see that she controls with "punishment" and I'm not told, I just feel it and when I ask then I get all the things I've done wrong and she makes up stuff that I said or did, things I never even knew about. It's weird. She is a huge controller and now uses the grandkids as a weapon. It's all so sad. Our story is long. The gaslighting is huge. She says I'm gaslighting when I actually can't remember and now I know why I can't remember because I usually didn't do what she is saying. If I did, I admit it. I'm not perfect, but she is!!!! It's exhausting, my mind is worn out from all the verbal abuse, and then the silent treatment. I ask to talk and for her to tell me more about me and I would like to tell her a few things. But no, nothing. Want's me to apologize for the rest of my life and just maybe get back into her good graces, at least for a time until I do or say the wrong thing. It's truly mind blowing. I hate games like this, I'm not a good player and cannot second guess, I keep trying but can't do it. She sure doesn't want to hear about herself thats for sure.
💙your situation with your daughter sounds really painful. It's hard to love someone so much, spent decades wanting the best for them, doing everything you can to support them in their goals and no matter how much you give how much you love how hard you try to do and be better, anticipate what they need from you, your altruism and love for them inspires little but contempt. If you ask them about their interests they go off and tell you to stop being so nosey. If you don't ask about their interests they go off on you because you didn't ask. It's an impossible situation. When they show up it's like all the joy is suddenly drained out of the room and you walk on eggshells waiting for the slightest thing to set them off into an adult temper tantrum. You then can't help but wonder, what the hell just happened? Where did i go wrong here? You agonize over every possible moment you might have missed or mixed up in your parental role and drown in sorrow, regret, shame and self loathing. You want a good relationship with your kids but it seems impossible when they refuse to relate. . Hence counseling to sort out all of this sorrow and find one's way through this storm. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Didn't learn, couldn't learn and shamed for.. that is me! I do everything myself I entirely gave up on having others acknowledge let alone meet, my needs. Thanks Dr Ramani this is invaluable info.
It's funny your brought up the preferences and intolerances as my ex had an issue with gluten and beef so when we moved in together, I said hey let's make it easy and just get gluten free stuff and turkey/chicken. But if there were a few times that I wanted that stuff, few and far between min you, it was like I was asking for way too much. Even when we would have dinner with my parents and I cooked something like steak, I would make sure to cook her a porkchop or something else she wanted instead.
It's like you go out of your way to make sure they're are ok and their needs are met but if you wanted reciprocity, you might as well talk to a brick wall.
I love you Ramani! “NO CALL FOR YOU DUDE!” 😂 I watch your videos and listen to your podcasts constantly. I appreciate you so Much! ❤😊
Hello Dr Ramani...l live in India... really your channel is so helpful for me.❤
Oof. I'm a survivor of 20+ years of narcissistic abuse. When I would express a need, he would gaslight me and invalidate me. Then manipulate me into thinking what I was asking for was too high of an expectation for him to ever meet. I asked for things like putting an arm around my shoulder, holding my hand, kissing my cheek and wishing me a good day, saying hello when I or he got home, listening about my day, cuddling during a movie. Over time I questioned myself constantly, thinking maybe this was just too much, maybe I'm needy. I'm his eyes, this was all a huge inconvenience that I fought for for years. Same arguments over and over again. He didn't help with the kids. He didn't appreciate me. My needs weren't valid or achievable. I shouldn't be so needy. But I was at rock bottom when it came to being lonely and I was fighting for our marriage. It was infuriating. I couldn't take anymore and finally filed for divorce. It's been a year of escalating behaviors, including threats, invalidating, deception, manipulation, gaslighting, trying to manipulate the kids, having to can the police several times because I was afraid it would escalate to physical abuse. I'm almost to the point where I can move out. However the court won't give me more than 50% custody at this point, which is heartbreaking. The kids don't want to be with him because he has done the same things to them, invalidating and dismissing their needs. He has been very minimally involved and has little to any emotional connection with them. Needs? Ha... they're invalid and an inconvenience to a narc. If you want to feel loved, move on and get out of there.
Thanks so much Dr Ramani for taking the time to make this video. I needed to hear this today.
This video confirmed my speculations about "multiple" Narcs in 12 minutes. I love you, Ramani
this is exactly what I am working on. when I meet healthy people, it is so pathetically joyful for me. seeing your video today was very validating and validation is a treasure that helps so much. thank you
expressed my needs *once* in narc rel’s. lesson learned. never asked again. you are there to serve them.
It only really hit me a few months into therapy for something else that my therapist said i'm really used to being independent and doing everything by myself away from family it hit me my relations might not have been the best. It made me start questioning because for some reason that comment made me incredibly sad.
I think flexible and able to cope is my new gauge of who I will even interact with. 😮
I definitely relate to the independence in me of having been raised by a narcissist. I don't ask unless I really have to, and I don't ask without a specific plan in mind from anyone. It was so hard to get things done as a kid, and as an adult, I can't bear the thought of anyone else's lack of interest in whatever it is I need. My last work situation got to be where I could delegate to one of several people and it was a great situation, but the rare exception to this personal policy. Why am I not still there? Narcissist, of course. 😮
Yes. So true.
I just love your help to understand messed up human behavior. Its enabled me to find my grounding amongst Narcs, still learning...I just listened to you say something personal about yourself, ( age 57) what I can offer to you, is if your born around 1966, your a Firehorse. ( like me) In Chinese mythology, they try not to have girls born during Firehorse year because of our strength to stand up to abuse, strong will, etc,. When I found out and read about this, years ago, I finally understood more about what I'm dealing with in this lifetime. Eye opening... I highly recommend this reading to you too! Bless you, and thank you for all Your sharing of wisdom. It helped me see and heal, and I'm continually learning new ways from your teachings.
That’s sad, there’s nothing wrong with strong women (outside of how weaker people perceive them as a threat).
❤"No shaming, no blaming, just solutions"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!👍👍👍👍❤❤
Hi thanks for all you advice and wisdom 🙏
Can you please do a video on how people can get stuck wondering if their partner is a narcissist or not? The hope that they’re not can be like cement.
So true!
One of my friends is struggling with this. He feels like he must figure out whether his partner is a narcissist before he can feel justified in leaving the relationship. I've gently suggested to him that her behavior toward him matters more than the label.
I think our society emphasizes loyalty at any cost, to the detriment of all of us. We feel like we have to be able to explain why we left a relationship instead of working on it, when the truth is, "because I was being abused" should be reason enough.
@@genevalawrence801 from my far too long experience it’s from thinking there is hope that they can change. It’s coupled with when things are not terrible making you hold on to hope longer. Hope is the Devil. Having that label is what would destroy hope & also guilt. It would also bring understanding and therefore much less confusion. Logically, I think we all know the chances of ever getting that label is slim to none but we get caught up in habits, bonds, confusion, rumination, family and a complete loss of self that we sometimes don’t know which way is up. It feels like it could be a life preserver almost, as if we knew it for sure is when we could focus on just saving ourselves.
@@jonisegarra2131Oh, I hear you! Hope kept me pinned in place for far too long.
Yes very much agree, it has been 12 years for me and a family together. Sometimes he seems to get better and it keeps me stuck thinking he is changing, but when he gets better at one thing another thing slips out. Then it’s back to the gaslighting, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse, the horrible disagreements, the ignoring me completely when I’m in a good mood he’s literally always in the opposing mood. The questioning everything I do or scoffing at my decisions, or mentioning a certain dinner he wants then when I cook it he’s magically not hungry, but orders take out later. The critiques on everything I do. I can’t ever disagree or have a different opinion or perspective than him, he blows up and says terrible things about my character. Then when I detach he ignores me a couple days and comes back giving a very generic apology, and of course wants to sleep together. It’s terrible to live like this. Then having people question, why am I keep getting back with him! They just don’t know how kind and manipulative he can be and how long he puts up the façade of changing and attending therapy. It’s maddening!
…if it’s not NPD I would be surprised, but what keeps me holding on, is thinking, if it’s just immaturity that can be worked with and held out for!
My narc ex would say something that would bring me to tears and then they would literally tell me "I can't console you right now". I don't normally get to the point of crying but there were times where I got close to losing it because the comment was so insensitive and was said with such nonchalance. They will upset you on purpose, then leave you there drowning. Sadistic.
This is me!! SMH. The fear of being “needy” to the narcissist. When just NEEDING my BASIC NEEDS met.
Definitely stems from childhood.
I would rather go without than hear or see a begrudged yes.