Favourite Person & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
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- čas přidán 30. 06. 2024
- In this video I'll be talking about what a favourite person (FP) is and how to form healthy relationships with others.
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 Intro
0:29 What is a Favourite Person (FP)?
1:19 Impacts/Dangers of FP
3:47 Focus on Yourself
4:01 Ask Before Venting
4:56 Set Healthy Boundaries
5:12 Reach Out to Others
Have you seen my previous video? Check it out » • BPD Symptoms: Fear of ...
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I always noticed that I was only able to have one friend and focus on person at a time and it turns out it’s what’s called a favorite person. I realize that having a favorite person is not good but it’s the only meaningful friendship I can create. My favorite person can usually get the worst from me sometimes. I love them but then I can hate them
Thank you for sharing your experience! Although it may be difficult to form meaningful relationships (trust me I can relate to this), I also think it’s important to push ourselves to making different friends so we aren’t as dependent on our fp.
🙋
You just described splitting
classic. really good advice is having 1 or 2 more friendships on some level.
Definitely can relate I just learned this is unhealthy +painfull to keep doing+can set us up to being used..tyou
As a FP myself, I must say that being one is _extremely_ hard and mentally draining (at least from my experience). She (my friend with BPD) gets hurt extremely easily since I am quite the bold person when it comes to serious matters, making it hard for us to have important conversations since I find myself trying to speak in an overly nice manner or not talking about my problems with her. This is because each time she gets hurt by me or someone/something else, I will have to apologise/comfort her for at least an hour or so, which is exhausting and seriously affects my mental health. I've found myself being burnt out multiple times in the past and I've sure cried myself to sleep many times. It's come to a point where I don't want to see her in person or visit her house and I'd rather talk to her through texting, because each time we see each other she's either on her phone or talking about her own stuff trying to impress me (which makes me feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in general). On my end I don't like talking to her about my own experiences since she hardly ever has a reaction. She's told me it's not because she doesn't care, yet merely because 'she doesn't know how she's supposed to react/what to say'. Of course I love her deeply and she has been my shoulder to cry on for a long time, especially when I was battling with depression but since therapy isn't available for her (her parents refuse to believe she has a disorder), I will be patient and wait for her to come into adulthood when she'll be able to consult a therapist herself.
All this coming from an introverted teenager with ADHD 👌
I'm the boyfriend who thinks he's the "favorite person" and I'm just digesting all of this to see how I can better support my girlfriend. Thank you for everything you do. These videos are super helpful to me. They're helping me be more supportive and empathic.
From my experience being labeled a "FP" by a pwBPD is the kiss of death in a relationship unless they are in serious regular treatment. It may happen in a few months, or a few years, but it's like a runaway train that is eventually going to run out of track, then it crashes horrifically. Eventually unrealistic expectations and standards cannot be maintained and the ugly split occurs, and the inevitable discard. The sad thing is that most people who are not educated about Cluster B mental disorders think being labeled "My Person" "Favorite Person" is a good thing and just a cute term of endearment like "honey" "babe" etc. Sadly it is the opposite.
I definitely have the favorite person issue. I usually squash down any issues I have with their actions and keep my mouth shut for years even when they don't do the same for me. These relationships always end up ending in dramatic blow outs after I finally blow up.
I became my ex’s favorite person early in our relationship, and I didn’t know what that meant at the time because I wasn’t too educated on the term or even borderline personality disorder. Whenever I left for a few days to go home she’d break down and tell me she feels like her body is on fire and she felt the need to claw at her own skin. At the time I didn’t think too much on it, I thought it was separation anxiety because I also have that. After learning more about bpd, everything she explained she was feeling makes sense now.
It sounds like you’re really taking the time to educate yourself and build awareness, good job! ☺️
If I can ask do you know happened to her
Yes. Having a favorite person as someone with BPD is immensely painful, and it feels impossible to shift that dynamic even when putting a lot of space between you and your FP and not depending on them for anything and trying to focus on other friendships. Every time the FP comes up it’s incredibly triggering. I didn’t ask for this.
My favourite person is my boyfriend. His moods and actions can make and break my entire existence. And that was scary to realize because I only have heard about the FP phenomenon two years ago or so. Looking back I always had this one favourite person. In my childhood it was my mom, then it were boyfriends/girlfriends or sometimes even just a friend. But only one at a time. It could switch pretty easily. If I felt like one person was turning away from me, I latched out to another. I don't remember having a time where there wasn't a favourite person around...
But anyway. It got waaay better over time. I think I did many of the things you suggested, like doing stuff alone that I like or look for other friends to spend time with but mostly assuring myself that I can trust my BF no matter what. Because I think the fear of abandonment mostly stems from a lack of trust. Being sure not to be left for the smallest reasons helps a lot in building trust. I mean, I see the outcome of arguments with him... does he leave me because I forgot to return a phonecall? No. Does he leave me because he wants to spend the day with another friend? No. I'd call it reality checks and those are really helpful!
Oh and thank you for the tip with the 'asking before venting' because I tend to impulsively vent over anything to him and always feeling bad afterwards. But I never asked before venting... so, that one's new to me!
Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m sure it’ll help lots of others ☺️
Yes I would tell my husband that I needed to vent or we playfully called it "whine whine whine" lol. What this did was to give my husband permission to listen..KNOWING he didn't have to "fix it". This worked GREAT!! Before that he would get so overwhelmed because that's what husband's do..fix it
I don’t know if this counts as a “favorite person” but these people, in my life, tend to be people online that I idealize.
I never want to miss a post. I mimick certain behaviors in them that I really like and just feel really intense about knowing everything I can about them.
In romantic relationships, I feel this, but on a smaller scale.
This definitely sounds like a favourite person! I’m proud of you for recognizing this behaviour in yourself 💗
@Jailynn Figs Hello Jailynn, I have always notice that my boyfriend keeps adding girls on his socials, a few months ago I discovered that he was given hearts to some girls on facebook, to me it was not normal because we are in a comitted relationship, I talked about it with him and he seemed to understand but it feels strange they're only girls he adds, in different videos I have watch, many people talk about that many people with bpd cheats, your comment made me think about what my boyfriend does, since I know him it seems he has a social media addiction because he's always on facebook groups, and other social paltforms triying to meet other people, specifically girls, he barely goes outside his house and his room, I feel lonely sometimes because I don't know if I can trust him, he says some things that made me think his feelings for me and that he wants a future with me are real but then there is this social media thing that makes me doubt. He tatooed my name on his arm, he says that he wants to marry me, that he wants kids with me, that we have to keep fighting to be husband and wife, that Im the love of his life, that he would die for me, and all of those types of things but even though he keeps telling me those things I feel something is not right, I feel theres something more goin on with his online girl-friends, sometimes it feels that they flirt with him or theres something there. There was a time we were apart because it has been an on and off relationship and in that time I notice that he added like 2 girls with my first name, and it seemed he kept doing it (girls with my name) , to me that was weird because my name is not common, and now that we are together again, it seems that he and one of those girls have a weird friendship, even though she knows that he is in a comitted relationship she give him hearts on his fb photos, also from being his priority now he barely texts me, and I cannot help but think if he's cheatin, and as you said and also as I listened in other bpd videos, if its possible that he may be idealize this girls and thinks what would it be dating them, to be honest I don't know what to think or do, he chased me since we were 17 now he has 30 and Im 29 but I feel hes distancing himself and it is very confusing because he says he wants to marry me but on the other hand he has never being so distant, I would appreciate some advice
@@evelynhernandez7547 Never listen to what a man says, men's true intentions and feelings are revealed in their actions. Men use their words not to describe what's going on, like girls, but to achieve whatever their end goal is, like politicians.
This guy has been cheating on you for years. It's more than obvious. He wants or wanted you in his life because he saw you as someone who can fulfill some of his needs, like money, citizenship, cooking, social status, services. He is not with you because of you. He is so obviously lying to you all this time. If you don't break up with him, you will never get married or have a family.
Find another guy to marry while you still can!
PS Is this guy by any chance Muslim?
Yes I do the “online” thing too…like following a particular mentor for example that helps my growth. That helps me not latch on or get too attached to actual people in my life and that’s not good for either parties. I still favourite my partners but not to such an unhealthy degree.
glad to know that I’m not alone.
@@evelynhernandez7547Girl, I hope you ended it with this fool! Follow your gut!
I’m glad I watched this. My ex friend has BPD and I was her FP. All the points you mentioned, particularly number 2, I mentioned to her! But she never seemed to understand or respect boundaries, let alone that I may not always have the room or space for her. I had to explain multiple times that I have other people in my life, other activities etc and live a full life. Mind you, she’s not in treatment but I think would benefit greatly from it.
Upon recent enlightenment regarding narcissistic and Cluster B personality traits, I have come to acknowledge my unwitting participation in favoritism dynamics, even referring to my spouse as my "favorite." Upon further exploration, I discovered that a significant portion of her familial cohort carries diagnoses of Cluster B personality disorders, some to the extent of requiring hospitalization. After enduring 24 years within this environment, I have recognized the necessity to disengage and extricate myself from these relationships. Regrettably, both my own family and hers exhibit toxic behaviors. Gratefully, the absence of offspring in our union mitigates the complexity of this transition. I concede the residence and her associated challenges, bidding farewell to this chapter with a sense of relief.
My recent episode was because I started developing feelings for my FP. I thought I was been careful not to repeat old patterns so it was kind of devastating when I realized I had created a codependent relationship with my best friend. We are still friends but I feel so vulnerable now that I want to run away like I've done in the past but I also desperately want to save the friendship. All while feeling rejected. To be fair she was blind-sighted by a lot of my behavior because I tend to internalize my BPD until it just builds up and blows up my life.
I know how difficult this must be! I think that having lots of conversations with your friend to let her into your world will help salvage to friendship all while helping you feel desired. Best of luck!! 💗
@@onthelinecommunity Thank you!
tysm! i’m so glad i found your channel. i feel so less alone now, i’m currently in a relationship and it’s so hard trying not to be super dependent on them/switch. i’m definitely going to try this advice
Im so happy you found this video useful! Thank you for the support and let me know if you’d like to see any specific topics covered 😊
When I like a health professional, I always get scared that they will somehow abandon me by moving or even dying, etc...
this is excellent. it makes so much sense of my own personal experience having quite BPD. thanks
Glad this was helpful 😌
I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your channel and your videos on BPD...
Wow, thank you so much!
currently my fp is my fwb and I don’t think he’s emotionally available to deal with me and it breaks my heart bc I understand why I do what I do and that I shouldn’t overwhelm him with my life, but also I wanna run to him and be with him at every moment. It’s like an addiction, as much as I try to do something else to distract me I always end up thinking of him.
I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. We’re here for you ❤️
I feel sorry for your FP and you. I hope you're getting therapy.
This video is so underrated. Say all of this louder!!!
Kayla, You are on my favorite favorite 🤩.
As always, Fantastico 👍
Thank you!! 🥰
so helpful,thank you so much!!!
Thanks for the support! 😊
I'm only just learning about this, but I'm so glad that I know what this is now as I thought I had a crush on this individual and it's not even though the intensity of feelings can seem like a crush at times, but I've done this all my life with mother figures
I’m happy I could help out!!
Thank you Kayla 🙂
Thanks for the support! 😄
I never heard of that. I have quiet borderline and all of my relationships have been a mess. I latched on to a new bf 6 months ago without even realizing it. But I went a step further. He's disabled and has a progressive deadly disease. Out of fear of abandonment I promised I will take care of him til the end. I'm doing everything for him, and neglecting myself. He's abrasive and selfish, but I just can't break free. He makes me feel needed and that makes me feel good 😢
I still struggle with the FP thing. It kept me into a narcissistic relationship. Then it caused me to lash out in resentment. It didn't end well.
I feel so sad for my ex. Had no idea she was going though this 😔
Thank You.
Of course! ☺️
Thank you very much for talking about this topic! 😊 Moreover, if our FP isn't very demonstrative, can we have another FP at a time to "fill the gap"? Regarding therapy, in my country there are few therapists specializing in BPD and no DBT... Should I still see a therapist even if he doesn't understand me? Therapy never helped me for this reason 😕
I believe you can! You should always pick a therapist which you feel you can be truly authentic with. Try out a few people until you find someone that fits well with you. You can also check for BPD coaches 😊
I work with my favourite person, everyone at works thinks I’m attracted to her.
But I only see her as just a amazing sweet person who I want to spend time with
I realize I’ve made my adult children my favorite person and it’s not helping my relationships with them.
Ohhh noooooo this hits too hard
FP triggers the endorphins that no one else does.
Is it possible to have favorite people for different needs? I feel like I have two, one IRL and one online. IRL is the only person I feel comfortable hanging out with (which probably makes them feel uncomfortable if its ever too much) and online I have a friend Im more comfortable sharing more intimate stuff with. It feels as if either of those people disappeared, Id be consumed by a void.
I think Id figure it out, but currently it does feel like that.
Yes of course! This is very different from person to person.
Unfortunately I've had to keep people at arms' length to avoid making an FP attachment. Instead I try to make do with having a number of smaller yet less deep friendships, rather than one FP. It's sad as it feels unfulfilling, but for me, in the long run, it's not fair to put another person through the stress of being an FP, and knowing that friendship would not last.
I feel the same way.
Thanks for sharing!!
I do this too as I know the friendship isn’t going to last and I don’t want to depend on them
I didn't realize I was my ex's FP... It was only me and always me. It's too bad she cheated on me and split me from her life. She already got with the guy she was talking to immediately after our breakup. I'm sure he is her new FP.
Every time I set a healthy boundary for us, I felt like it was pushing her away because it was essentially asking for soem time for myself and that must've triggered her fear of abandonment. Thought?
@Khoa Doan I was in exactly the same situation though at that time I didn't realize my ex gf had borderline
She immediately jumped into her coworker who is a manipulative psychology graduate and she thinks he's helping her while I and her parents see it otherwise...
You were discarded. Look into it. Has nothing to do with you
My ex covert had a bestie like that. Saw it right away. He was her cult leader like obsession. My gf had covert traits but never came across as victim, didn't give a crap about her appearance, and never directly attacked my character. But what she did do was focus on my emotional destruction.
My favourite person is who speaks to me but doesn’t exist
Can a BPDs “favorite person” be their LEAST favorite person? Like an enemy they mirror for example. The BPD claims to hate this person, despises them, yet copies this person. I think it’s an envy situation but why would a BPD mirror someone they hate? So can an enemy be the fave person?
I found out I have bpd like 8 months ago,am being treated. My fiancé has taken several bad knocks because of me,we've been together 3yrs,it's been hell. Does couples counselling work in a case like this please?
How do you inform an unaware best friend that his girlfirend has BPD? She's a textbook case and wrecking havoc and destruction in his life, children, the wife (whom he has left to be with the pwBPD), literally anyone or anything that diverts attention......extreme case. Your videos are by far the best explanation for the unaware, as i was upon finding these videos. ANY advice is appreciated. Im extremely concerned, especially with the kids. Shes currently untreated but i do know shes prescribed Risperdal. PLEASE HELP!
BTW your channel is absolutely incredible. Literally, a life saver.
He also has the blinders on. I literally don't know how to help without being collateral damage myself. My heart breaks for everyone affected.
I'm certain she's self aware and keeps her diagnosis hidden.
Just tell him 🤷♀️ ❤️
@OlyaSovenko tried that. He's oblivious. I had to temporarily cut the cord until she finishes him off unfortunately. Sad situation.
@@trevomc7125 yeah I guess some people learn only from their own mistakes if learn at all…
My bpd ex gf has ghosted me for 6 days now. I’m wondering ( hoping) she’s found a new favorite person. Is this the case? When she and i rekindled three years ago was I then taking the place of another favorite person? This has done a number on my mind. Totally enmeshed our lives and she didn’t mean any of it.
It’s hard to let go of someone we’ve been with for a long time! I hope you get what you are looking for
@@onthelinecommunity it is hard. But it’s been 12 days now and I know she was setting up new fuel in the fuel matrix. I almost don’t remember much of the good or bad. Just enjoying a steady calm.
You forgot to mention stalking lol
Finally someone is mentioning it
My partner of 3 years has bpd, and her fp is her ex partner, who is the father of her 6yr old child. Our relationship is breaking apart because she cannot let go of her fp; they make occasional trips together with their child, which has become more frequent. I trust my partner, but I do not trust him because he cheated on her which ended their relationship. In my opinion, he is not a healthy person to have in her life. She is struggling with boundries, and is upset because she knows its upsetting me, but she cannot let him go. Their is no sex involved in their interactions but I fear that the more time they spend together, the more chance that something sexual will occur. She sees a therapist but from what I can tell, the therapist is not fit for purpose. Her ex is a drug, and she is the addict, and she feels relief when she takes that drug. The therapist doesn't seem to be helping matters. She is two ears on a head, and thats it.
It seems to me that the best thing for our relationship is to end, and become friends instead.
That sounds incredibly difficult to navigate. We’re here for you!
Every bf I had felt like this! Took me 10years to get over the guy 🥹🥹
You are addicted to her apparently. You are her back up and accepting leftovers. Try refocusing on why you aren’t done with this second place scenario and looking for someone that will prioritize you. This is your choice to stay- try and figure out why.
For every "BPD" said I drink
Yes that’s true I get jealous
Thanks for sharing your experience ☺️
what should i do if favoruite person leaves?
Good question, I can make a video on this 😊
@@onthelinecommunity that would be really helpful !! Thank you !!
After my divorce I think I have inadvertently made my child my FP. They are the only other person in my life at the moment.
It’s ok to focus on them and making sure they are ok throughout the whole process of the divorce!! Make sure to still maintain time for yourself and hobbies outside of him 😊
do bpd make up lies to argue and accuse person of doing something that they didnt??not sure if that could be npd too
@@onthelinecommunity just to update - after working on being kinder to myself, I no longer freak out when he's not with me and don't worry about him not loving me if he doesn't call. I feel like I can breath now! I think I'm becoming my own favorite person now! 😁
@@grtormand3 that is AMAZING! I’m so happy for you, keep up the awesome work 😊
Nice job , I'm on the other side of the stick, I'm with somebody with BPD, thrusting this lady is huge issue. Any advice thank you oh, by the way I'm her ffp
Trust takes time to build in any relationship. Being gentle with yourself and her will help you accelerate the process. It’s also important to have open communication!
Then your therapist becomes your FB.
My favorite person is my therapist. So much so that I raged out on her and told her to F off, and then immediately wanted love because I was so afraid that she was going to leave. I cried all night about our argument. I wrote her a letter this morning, we hugged it out, and things are good, at least until next week when she does something that pisses BPD off..lol. I put her through a ride, lets just say...
Thanks for all your videos, they really help. Now if you would jist marry me ;)