No amount of trauma a parent experienced excuses the trauma they inflict on their children. Ever. Zero exceptions. It is their responsibility to break the cycle of abuse. And since they couldn't? It's now ours. It's a burden we should have never ever been dealt, but here we are.
I realize how bad my PTSD really is when I listen to people tell their stories like this. Abuse can haunt your entire life. You can be the "best" person in the world who tries every day to do things right and reduce harm to others and still end up utterly wrecked later in life because you can't get out of the head of that child who was being hit or yelled at for something that doesn't even make sense.
Dealing with trauma twists your thinking. What you are taught through trauma makes you rationalize trauma more naturally. I hear the pain and understand why you think that it's a No excuses situation. Excuses are not saying it's ok. It is just an explanation for why they think and act as twisted as they do. To start to heal we need to understand why, and change the wiring we were taught in our brains.
As a kid of a narcissistic father, it also took me years to finally have the courage to say out loud that I hate him sincerely. I made all kinds of excuses for him and he turned out to use those excuses to take advantage of me, what a joke. Narcissistic parents do not love you AT ALL, they just love the image of themselves in your mind or in everybody’s eyes. My mother took her life to realize it when she was literally in her deathbed. I won’t let that happen to me. Rage is a necessary part of human emotion. Don’t forgive like a saint. That’s not being wise, that is just being a coward. I hope I knew this before getting traumatized by my father.
I feel you. The anger and rage are justified. It's so sad that narcissistic parents manipulate others to always excuse them and let them get away with stuff. It's hard to break that kind of conditioning, congrats you succeeded!
yes and thank you. stop telling people they have to forgive abuse - based on NOTHING. forgive yourself for not being able to protect yourself but abusers especially ones that don’t own up to their actions don’t deserve your time or forgiveness
@@plswatchinfinitytrain I’m so empathetic though shit so I always bounce back to kindness, even though I don’t forget anything, even though they did to me. Oh yeah, never mind I forgot you have to play nice or else you get more trouble shit
1:00:46 "you could stay for a year, everything could get fucked up, there's really no way of knowing" 4 months later covid hit. I hope Jabree and his family is doing well, wonderful interview.
good point- there’s no way of having predicted that or even making the right decision if you’d known that was coming. “it doesn’t matter what choice you make because you don’t control the outcome” he was right that was good advice
👌🏼 Excellent discovery questions, follow up and active listening Dr. K. Your clinician chops were evident. This is text book parental Narcissistic abuse manifesting in the form of crippling indecision and rose-tinted lensing of a Narc father. Notice there is no "sense of self" in JJ. "The sense of self" is never able to develop when you're an emotional punching bag and ego extension of an abusive Narc parent. Listen to JJ's answers when pressed about what "He wants", notice how they often orbit around his mom & brother and how his personal life decision may impact them. This is because it's easier to care and sacrifice for another's needs when you have no developed "sense of self." outside of your immediate family. *One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.*
I didn't experience the level of trauma he did, but I did have controlling and neglectful parents and I now find myself having difficulty making decisions as an adult. I'm also bad with money even though my parents are financially responsible, but all they taught me was "don't spend, don't spend, don't spend".
Cheating father. Abusive uncle (my other father figure). Saintly mother. Indecision. A promise never to hurt my own children if I have them. That's me. I can definitely relate man. Good luck with your RNG!
I’m amazed. Until the very end, I was conflicted. I thought Alok was just pushing his ideals onto him and wasn’t answering any of his actual questions at all. Then the last ten to twenty minutes were a fucking lesson. His though ass shouting genuinely was what that guy needed. “You are conflicted because you are afraid of being an asshole to your family” This was when I knew shit was going somewhere. And then he started giving the realest advice ever. “Just pick some shit and adapt” Actually unironically the best advice ANYONE can receive about anything. What a genuine chad.
This fellow was me, up until my 30s. Now my positivity has been replaced with utter rage. I have no forgiveness in my heart. A child that has been beat and goes on to beat their own children - KNOWS what it is like and makes a CHOICE to do it to others. JJ - you said it yourself, you made a promise to yourself to never hit your brother and you didn’t. Your dad had that same choice. He chose violence. And I promise you, he justifies it to himself. He’s never said he’s sorry, because he’s NOT sorry. Cut yourself free, son. Some things just aren’t forgivable.
He's disconnected from his emotions, very emotionally illiterate. But I really relate because I've had a similar relationship with my father and have been in a similar place. Reading "CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving" gave me a lot of clarity on my situation. Also following lifecoach Richard Grannon
I made 6 notes quoting what you said about accepting uncertainty. It's something I really knew intellectually and was primed to receive but when you said that and the way you directed yourself to the rest of the audience for the first time in the interview, like you were talking to me, really switched something in my brain. It's like how you say there's a difference between knowing something and understanding something. The way you worded it, and the tone and power with which you said it really made me understand. Your content has a lot of gems but for the first time I feel compelled to comment about it. Thank you.
He’s a sitting duck for continued abuse from his dad. It used to be physical abuse, now it’s emotional manipulation and his dad’s image management. No reason to forgive that bastard.
This is so relatable. My fam is also Muslim and my dad is also abusive and a narc. Sadly he never stopped abusing us and I had to firewall him/cut him out of my life. He was cheating on my mom early on in the marriage and treated her like shit the whole time I was with them. The brother relationship was reversed in my case. I was the older one who watched out for my younger brother. But he couldn't resolve his anger issues and has stopped talking to me even though we went through a lot together. I too, am struggling with the fact that I likely have cPTSD. Glad Jabbar is getting therapy and had this convo. Hope he gets more healing and growth.
this is so fucking good and is the best endorsement for ppl to get a good therapist in their life if they are struggling with any of the things this guy mentions.
I means it's normal to need white noise, I think. But if you were in an environment with no white noise you would eventually adjust and be able to sleep with no noise. I need silence but can adjust to white noise after a few nights. For ppl with insomnia it's a NEED. They physically can't sleep without it. It's conditional. And that's the difference, I think.
@@AnxietyRat don't think it's normal to need white noise. Or for anxiety to be your mood to the point it's your username. I think humans are naturally comfortable in silence unless they have a history of trauma etc
@@VioletEmerald Nice assumptions there! 😀 I know countless non-traumatised people who need white noise. I personally don't need it and HAVE trauma. I need silence. Because that's what I grew up falling asleep to. My sister is raising her children with white noise because she uses white noise. It's just based on what you grew up with. Also yup, I have multiple diagnosed anxiety disorders. So I am abnormally anxious the majority of the time. My username, sadly, isn't hyperbole. I've embraced it via my usernames online after about a decade of minimising my symptoms. But yes, I'm fully aware the levels of anxiety and the frequency I experience it... is abnormal. Bc I got diagnosed. Lmao.
not sure if it is funny or sad that every single one of your videos I have watched so far is related to my upbringing xD super grateful that this information is out there!
This and destiny's talk I related to the most. I also have a narc father from a terrible past and also suffer from crippling indecision. Luckily I've decided on my own that you can only plan for so long until you've just gotta jump in. Life is too complicated to plan for every consequence and wait for planets to align, you won't know until you try. I'm also guilty of the college thing Dr.K mentioned, is there something video-game related that makes gamers prone to this sort of thing? Maybe we're so used to being fed objectives and have everything streamlined for us that we consider life in the same manner, when it mostly shouldn't be?
Yep, exactly. It's a complimentary feed back loop. Someone who is risk-adverse will be drawn to video games because they take the uncertainty out of decision-making which makes them feel safer than real life. The objective of each level is clear and what they developers tell you it is. You just have to execute it. Playing video games will be rewarding and reinforce your desire to avoid risk.
The ending .... pertaining to the decision making really relates to me..., skirting around n making things complex n not have faith is what I do best. As for the first part, what I've learned is balance is key. We need both positive and negative reactions.
Are these problems with indecision common amongst gamers. This constant cycle of living in my head and in these hypotheticals has largely been my problem and I don't understand why I refuse to make decisions unless I feel I know it's the right one. Thank you this video. Also why do you think the comment ratio on this video is so low? Does it have to do with people not wanting to just try and meme or have the top comment because it would be disrespectful to the seriousness of the subject matter?
Probably too heavy for the stream, but he needs to learn how to identify his emotions or he will keep intellectualizing. I'm only noticing, because I'm trying to fix the same problem in myself. I also noticed he has thought-interruptions, where he will go on a tangent, interrrupt himself for another tangent, and do it again. Constantly interrupting your own thoughts with new information is another way to keep from feeling anything. People like him, in his situtation, are used to toxic people constantly interrupting or making it about themselves, which when he is not around them, he will interrupt himself. At multiple points, he encourages Dr. K to interrupt. I'm guessing he feels comfortable 'listening' to his 'wise' dad's advice and passively being interrupted. His self-worth is in the gutter as well, and he probably doesn't feel he deserves to feel 'ungrateful' or is blocked by shame/guilt from feeling anger at is father. It could also be tons of fear that does this. Really so much to unpack, and I hope this guy gets some help, because emotions need to be used/unblocked to at least a point where you're aware of them.
Its insane how people justify any sort of abuse with the ‘oh he provided for his family’, thats the bare minimum, if you’re having a kid you provide for them that’s not some virtue or ‘good dad’ quality. It reminds me of the dilemma that a movie like Fences poses, about the responsibility to provide but the refusal to love or ‘like’ the child. My dad was never the breadwinner, sat on his ass raking in the cash from my mom working her ass off while he spent half the time on his iPad, and yet he acted like the patron boss, demanding respect and affection and love and attention all the time for absolutely nothing, because he never treated anyone else with respect or decency but you had to serve his interests and emotions all the time. Just because ur dad works does not justify being an abusive narcissistic asshole, its not something they are suddenly allowed to because of their work, even if for centuries societal norms have basically argued it to be this way, that dads are allowed to vent on their children.
Would it be very unpopular if I say that his mom wasn't really such a saint... if she let her husband beat their kids with a fckn shovel??? The whole face blue etc. (But he never beat her, hey.) And then she explains to kids "oh he was also beaten like that as a kid, have some understanding" Not to mention, private school and unpaid loans issues. What a role model for her kids' future relationships And apparently, now, when she discovered infidelity, NOW she wants a divorce? There is no successful narcissist husband without a saintly wife feeding him. I think this JJ guy doesn't even realize that his dad beat him, but his mom really trained him to the whole dynamic just as much
Mothers seem to do that so often though in these environments. Thank god my dad never got this violent with us, though he could go on tantrums and just break everything and shout and threaten hitting, he’d hit our mom a lot not us so much cuz we’d just cower in our rooms. Thing is my mom acted the exact same. Always using the excuse of how my dad was raised, always about how he ‘doesn’t mean it’ or how its her fault somehow. Idk its insane how some mothers force themselves into being the submissive wife that lets everything happen and actively reinforces and worsens the behaviour of the husband by refusing to even lightly take any action and just coddling their husband to the point of the father not perceiving any consequences to his actions.
53:03 I understand why would you choose philosophers that glorify and idealize suffering. But it sounds more like one of your coping mechanisms and not genuine interest..
I agree with the tendency to lean towards philosophy that glorifies suffering as a coping mechanism for traumatised people. However; I think Jabree could potentially become a great philosopher if he could find his sense of authenticity.
Yeah my dad is so on edge from my mom & so am I & he feels he has to carry her weight cuz my mom is an emotional deadweight in the dynamic & I told him yesterday we can't make it work with her & to give up on her & I have stopped playing my role & feel so much better after just 6 days
Imo you need to access and process your rage to move to true forgiveness. Otherwise you're just suppressing that part of you. I wonder if he's afraid of accessing his rage because he doesn't want to turn into his angry, abusive father?
I can't decide, was Dr. K actually annoyed by the guy or if he was just trying to come off as annoyed to provoke the guy to feel anger and say, "but going home is what I think is best!" or both? It seems like the guy clearly wanted Dr. K to say, "going home makes makes sense and sounds like what you want to do," but I think Dr. K knew the guy would then start defending staying and get more confused and instead wanted the kid to reach the conclusion that he already knew (that he should go home).
the reason why he is talkin so positve about his family is cos the culture..Im muslim too and we just have this caution with how we speak about our parents it doesnt mean we see things positive..its just we havent been allowed to say "yeah u know I had shitty parents actually". I thought dr K got that
48:03 HAHAHAHAHA Alok has so much to day right there it's funny seeing him agitate and then calm down, that was cool, because this guy us kinda hard to talk to because theres a lot he doesnt know about himself. His father is super narcissistic, I'm surprised you didn't bring up codependancy, because he sounds VERY codependant, and I know cause I have the same problem growing up with abusive parents. Also at 55:05 , I dont think that's his problem honestly, I feel like you shouldve reinforced the grappling with negativity instead of going back to guilt. This kinda became a problem solving conversation instead of exploring the route of why he thinks and says the way he does. Hes clearly defending his father because he's been programmed by him to beleive he's a great man when he really isnt let's be honest, and he deserves to come to face the fact that you might be mad at him JJ, because you deserve to have that side of you accepted, because your dad brought you up to not cry and not accept sides of yourself.
Am I the only one who got the sense Dr. K mentally checked out at the end of the conversation? It was like he found the dilemma Jabree was facing kind of simple or trivial. It's the first time I have seen him do it and was kind of put off by it. We all have good and bad days but it left me feeling uneasy. This is a huge decision for Jabree and while staying in the US for a better long term future seems like a smart thing to do, getting to spend time with his family is also valuable. Yeah, I get there is no right decision but saying just make one is hardly empathic. He did come around a lil bit saying he is confident that Jabree has what it takes but it felt kind of insincere.
I won't answer for the man, but he often says he sometimes isn't being empathetic. I've watched a lot of his "content" for the lack of a better word, and this sort of thing has shown up more than once.
Yeah he did get closed off near the end. Why though ? I don't think he's not empathic because I've seen the fellow feel for Mitch and it was genuine emotion.
because the guy wasn't listening AT ALL. He kept nodding but his mind was still circling his world. Notice how he just suddenly asks Dr. K "do you have any advice to stay in the moment?" after all the insight and observation shared? The guy seem sweet but you can't have an exchange with him. He either has damaged his mental state from all the abuse or he's a narcissist himself; a better person than his father, but just as unaware.
@@ramenyummm yeah idk, his nodding was excessive but that question felt pretty grounded in what dr.k was talking about. I can see how his mind is like "so why do i struggle with making a decision then, well im thinking about hypotheticals, im stuck in the future" "yo, how can i stay present then, i think a lot in the future?" then k breaks down how he KNOWS he thinks in the future because of it all. The dude is connecting dots, doesn't mean he's not listening. I think dr.k shuts down the reflection just because he knows the contextual talk is a trap for the brain. Dude even mentioned he likes problem solving, he's a smart guy. So I think by that point where he's just nodding, it's like highlighting all the text and then underlining what especially hits, cause all the text is relevant and then some points REALLY hit.
Same case here(without a brother though and without a tough mother rather a passive one).... I fucking hate him to death and i hope he gets the worst cause he deserves it.
wow I relate to him not wishing hell upon hitler, I never understood how people can be filled with vitriol towards anyone. wow thats it for me too, I don't want to be like my father
You are not like someone else just because you do what they did but only if you have to. Learn the difference, some people deserve to get punished, fathers like them for example.
It's super thoughtful and reflective and wonderful to be the kind of person who realizes hell is too extreme and wishing hurt on others isn't the solution to them causing major harm etc
When he talked about being his father's favourite, it immediately became clear how he so easily defends his father despite his own mother getting abused. I do not trust him. He calls his father wise? Laughable. His father is so wise that he needs to beg everyone for money because he quit working prematurely to engage in hobbies. And who cares about his lack of love for coding. His mother took out loans to support him and he can't even bother returning the sacrifice by doing coding for a couple of years to generate enough money to help his family. He'd rather have fun in America doing whatever he wants while his brother and mother suffer back home. But hey, his father is wise. His wise father will figure it out. 🙄
Wow man... I feel your pain! you all have been parentificated! Your Mother should have protected you and should have left this assholl of a dad and protected you. She chose to leave him after knowing about the affair.. But what about the abuse? This is not fair for you! Your story is very similar to ours... اخ جبر عفوا بس ابوك نرجسي و الوالدة مع الاسف رغم تضحياتها لكن ما حمتكم منه و انتم صغار. عيش حياتك و طز بالجميع
In a weird way this video was kathartic because i have no will to even start to forgive my narc dad. I even after trying to understand my dads background, his mental violence is still not right. Fuck him. I used to use og star wars as a reflectionnof reality but the part where luke saves vader on his deathbed i made the conclusion that thats space opera, fiction, fantasy. Not real life. Real life is not romanticly fair.
Yeah unfortunately in real life none of us have the sort of catharsis in fiction, e.g. Tony Stark reconciling with his dad, or Indiana Jones and his dad. Fiction is for vicariously feeling that catharsis, experiencing what you can’t have irl because either relationships are too complex to just resolve, or people genuinely do not deserve your forgiveness. I think some argue forgiveness is better for yourself, to not live in anger, and to instead move on. But at the same time its sometimes necessary to just cut someone out of your life. I want to cut my dad out, he’s a full-blooded narcissist who’s always treated my mom, the bread-winner, like shit, always acting the coddled manchild, every day of my life walking on egg-shells trying not to upset him because anything could send him in a rage or make him offended/insecure. I don’t want to forgive him because he does not even have the emotional intelligence to realise he did anything wrong, when I moved out of living alone with him after months of him being abusive, he was confused, he thought everything was fine and good and does not remember the time he dragged me out of bed throwing shoes at me drunk and yelling at 3AM for no apparent reason. I have nightmares about him every week. I dread vacations. He’s less worse now but he’s an unbearable asshole, my mom still endlessly excuses his behaviour and makes me spend so much time with him. Nothing justifies emotional abuse, parents can claim that its becuz of the way they were raised, or that ‘they don’t mean it’ or some bs, but its wrong, selfish and childish, parents always act like they’re these high-minded adults but often they resort to the most childish insecure behaviour.
Please, do a video with that indian accent. It's hilarious but at the same time, it kind of works for you as an indian guru -type of voice. Just for laughs. It would crack people up haha :D
No amount of trauma a parent experienced excuses the trauma they inflict on their children. Ever. Zero exceptions. It is their responsibility to break the cycle of abuse. And since they couldn't? It's now ours. It's a burden we should have never ever been dealt, but here we are.
I realize how bad my PTSD really is when I listen to people tell their stories like this. Abuse can haunt your entire life. You can be the "best" person in the world who tries every day to do things right and reduce harm to others and still end up utterly wrecked later in life because you can't get out of the head of that child who was being hit or yelled at for something that doesn't even make sense.
Dealing with trauma twists your thinking. What you are taught through trauma makes you rationalize trauma more naturally. I hear the pain and understand why you think that it's a No excuses situation. Excuses are not saying it's ok. It is just an explanation for why they think and act as twisted as they do. To start to heal we need to understand why, and change the wiring we were taught in our brains.
I agree, lets say its our responsibility now to break the cycle
Yet here we are.... yup.
Maybe they are not so different from us in a similar way
When I hear he stopped abusing you at 15 16 all I hear is hes a fucking coward who was scared you would finally fight back.
Ahh thats why
I have the same experience... My parent only stoped abusing me when a could fight back
Wow that makes sense, my dad did the same to me growing up too when i hit those ages.
My mom stopped too around that exact same time. But kept with the verbal
@@hosnemir3201it’s extremely common with abusive people. Easy targets and all that.
As a kid of a narcissistic father, it also took me years to finally have the courage to say out loud that I hate him sincerely. I made all kinds of excuses for him and he turned out to use those excuses to take advantage of me, what a joke. Narcissistic parents do not love you AT ALL, they just love the image of themselves in your mind or in everybody’s eyes. My mother took her life to realize it when she was literally in her deathbed. I won’t let that happen to me. Rage is a necessary part of human emotion. Don’t forgive like a saint. That’s not being wise, that is just being a coward. I hope I knew this before getting traumatized by my father.
I feel you. The anger and rage are justified. It's so sad that narcissistic parents manipulate others to always excuse them and let them get away with stuff. It's hard to break that kind of conditioning, congrats you succeeded!
I agree. it feels quite freeing to just accept that you hate them.
yes and thank you. stop telling people they have to forgive abuse - based on NOTHING. forgive yourself for not being able to protect yourself but abusers especially ones that don’t own up to their actions don’t deserve your time or forgiveness
@@plswatchinfinitytrainoooof
@@plswatchinfinitytrain I’m so empathetic though shit so I always bounce back to kindness, even though I don’t forget anything, even though they did to me. Oh yeah, never mind I forgot you have to play nice or else you get more trouble shit
This guy seems like a really nice guy, I hope he can find peace with his past and have a happy life
so if he wasnt a nice guy ???
@@marylevin9262do you want mean abusive ppl to have happy lives??
1:00:46 "you could stay for a year, everything could get fucked up, there's really no way of knowing"
4 months later covid hit. I hope Jabree and his family is doing well, wonderful interview.
Any updates on him?
good point- there’s no way of having predicted that or even making the right decision if you’d known that was coming. “it doesn’t matter what choice you make because you don’t control the outcome” he was right that was good advice
Fuck, this triggered me. I got annoyed at you, Dr. K for the tough love. You said what i needed to hear. This is going to be saved in my video list
👌🏼 Excellent discovery questions, follow up and active listening Dr. K. Your clinician chops were evident.
This is text book parental Narcissistic abuse manifesting in the form of crippling indecision and rose-tinted lensing of a Narc father.
Notice there is no "sense of self" in JJ. "The sense of self" is never able to develop when you're an emotional punching bag and ego extension of an abusive Narc parent.
Listen to JJ's answers when pressed about what "He wants", notice how they often orbit around his mom & brother and how his personal life decision may impact them.
This is because it's easier to care and sacrifice for another's needs when you have no developed "sense of self." outside of your immediate family.
*One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.*
Can this be fixed?
@@bushidoGF Yes, with a therapist specializing in PTSD recovery I believe it can be.
damn.. good shit brother
I didn't experience the level of trauma he did, but I did have controlling and neglectful parents and I now find myself having difficulty making decisions as an adult. I'm also bad with money even though my parents are financially responsible, but all they taught me was "don't spend, don't spend, don't spend".
fuck me, the last thing you said really hit me hard....
Cheating father. Abusive uncle (my other father figure). Saintly mother. Indecision. A promise never to hurt my own children if I have them. That's me. I can definitely relate man. Good luck with your RNG!
Your bitching over your dad cheating ?
same man, it's insane how much i relate to this dude, hope he's well
I’m amazed.
Until the very end, I was conflicted. I thought Alok was just pushing his ideals onto him and wasn’t answering any of his actual questions at all.
Then the last ten to twenty minutes were a fucking lesson. His though ass shouting genuinely was what that guy needed.
“You are conflicted because you are afraid of being an asshole to your family”
This was when I knew shit was going somewhere.
And then he started giving the realest advice ever.
“Just pick some shit and adapt”
Actually unironically the best advice ANYONE can receive about anything.
What a genuine chad.
This fellow was me, up until my 30s. Now my positivity has been replaced with utter rage. I have no forgiveness in my heart. A child that has been beat and goes on to beat their own children - KNOWS what it is like and makes a CHOICE to do it to others. JJ - you said it yourself, you made a promise to yourself to never hit your brother and you didn’t. Your dad had that same choice. He chose violence. And I promise you, he justifies it to himself. He’s never said he’s sorry, because he’s NOT sorry. Cut yourself free, son. Some things just aren’t forgivable.
He's disconnected from his emotions, very emotionally illiterate. But I really relate because I've had a similar relationship with my father and have been in a similar place. Reading "CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving" gave me a lot of clarity on my situation. Also following lifecoach Richard Grannon
''very emotionally illiterate'' you all will say anything
If you end up checking it out let me know if it was helpful@@ceterisparibus8966
@@ceterisparibus8966 huh?
Man, listening to his responses as a kid of a narcissistic mom is kinda sad but enlightening at the same time. Much love to both of you
He has/had a narcissistic mother? When did he talk about it?
@@Shiv-ym1rr he ment himself. read his sentence again
I hope he is doing okay… he was so honest in this interview and I learnt alot from this conversation
loved the accents at the start
I made 6 notes quoting what you said about accepting uncertainty. It's something I really knew intellectually and was primed to receive but when you said that and the way you directed yourself to the rest of the audience for the first time in the interview, like you were talking to me, really switched something in my brain. It's like how you say there's a difference between knowing something and understanding something. The way you worded it, and the tone and power with which you said it really made me understand.
Your content has a lot of gems but for the first time I feel compelled to comment about it.
Thank you.
christopherwillson I’m happy for u brother 👍 I 2 started writing notes to improve myself. It works as long as u make sure to go back to them.
@@fartymgee6394 Thanks. Indeed, I made sure to write them somewhere I run into them regularly : )
He’s a sitting duck for continued abuse from his dad. It used to be physical abuse, now it’s emotional manipulation and his dad’s image management. No reason to forgive that bastard.
“Just do and have some faith” damn this was very hard to watch but I felt that he was speaking to me at this moment.
I hope whatever you did worked out for you
The way Dr. K skipped the fluff was remarkable. This hit home hard, thanks for sharing this conversation.
@@Ventryx it immediately broke the ice and made the guest more comfortable speaking. Lmfao
This is so relatable. My fam is also Muslim and my dad is also abusive and a narc. Sadly he never stopped abusing us and I had to firewall him/cut him out of my life. He was cheating on my mom early on in the marriage and treated her like shit the whole time I was with them. The brother relationship was reversed in my case. I was the older one who watched out for my younger brother. But he couldn't resolve his anger issues and has stopped talking to me even though we went through a lot together. I too, am struggling with the fact that I likely have cPTSD. Glad Jabbar is getting therapy and had this convo. Hope he gets more healing and growth.
As a parentified child, this hit HARD 😢
this is so fucking good and is the best endorsement for ppl to get a good therapist in their life if they are struggling with any of the things this guy mentions.
It's so uncanny how unaware this poor guy is. I hope everything went well for him. he must be intelligent if he's managed to do all that he's saying.
Loved the Hindi-American and Arabic-American accents at 3:08 haha.
I love how dr k just hammers him with the truth for like 5 minutes straight there
3:11
Lmao 😂
Man, I like this guy. He has so much love in his heart. I really hope the best for him.
Right? And it's a great way to break the ice about a heavy subject
The insomnia TV on thing blew my mind because I never thought I had sleeping problems compared to my other symptoms but I can't sleep without noise
I means it's normal to need white noise, I think. But if you were in an environment with no white noise you would eventually adjust and be able to sleep with no noise. I need silence but can adjust to white noise after a few nights. For ppl with insomnia it's a NEED. They physically can't sleep without it. It's conditional. And that's the difference, I think.
@@AnxietyRat don't think it's normal to need white noise. Or for anxiety to be your mood to the point it's your username. I think humans are naturally comfortable in silence unless they have a history of trauma etc
@@VioletEmerald Nice assumptions there! 😀 I know countless non-traumatised people who need white noise. I personally don't need it and HAVE trauma. I need silence. Because that's what I grew up falling asleep to. My sister is raising her children with white noise because she uses white noise. It's just based on what you grew up with.
Also yup, I have multiple diagnosed anxiety disorders. So I am abnormally anxious the majority of the time. My username, sadly, isn't hyperbole. I've embraced it via my usernames online after about a decade of minimising my symptoms. But yes, I'm fully aware the levels of anxiety and the frequency I experience it... is abnormal. Bc I got diagnosed.
Lmao.
Sounds like his dad has some serious problems he should have worked out before having kids.
Life is a journey. Be not afraid. He’s a good person and smart, he’s going to be ok!👍💖
Very hard but important convo between you two. Very sad stories but glad this can help him a bit and hope he heals more as time goes on
I like how Dr. K was basically screaming at him for the last third of the conversation lol
@@Ventryx His father is wise.
@@Ventryx I was being sarcastic. But mostly eyerolling at the guest saying his father is wise. His father is not wise.
not sure if it is funny or sad that every single one of your videos I have watched so far is related to my upbringing xD super grateful that this information is out there!
of all the interviews I watched so far, this one feels the most personal.
God bless Jabree, his brother and his family
This and destiny's talk I related to the most. I also have a narc father from a terrible past and also suffer from crippling indecision. Luckily I've decided on my own that you can only plan for so long until you've just gotta jump in. Life is too complicated to plan for every consequence and wait for planets to align, you won't know until you try. I'm also guilty of the college thing Dr.K mentioned, is there something video-game related that makes gamers prone to this sort of thing? Maybe we're so used to being fed objectives and have everything streamlined for us that we consider life in the same manner, when it mostly shouldn't be?
Yep, exactly. It's a complimentary feed back loop. Someone who is risk-adverse will be drawn to video games because they take the uncertainty out of decision-making which makes them feel safer than real life. The objective of each level is clear and what they developers tell you it is. You just have to execute it. Playing video games will be rewarding and reinforce your desire to avoid risk.
Thank you for posting all that you do. It resonates with myself, and many others Im sure.
Also you should definetly do a full stream with an accent. It was hilarious 😅😅😅
The ending .... pertaining to the decision making really relates to me..., skirting around n making things complex n not have faith is what I do best. As for the first part, what I've learned is balance is key. We need both positive and negative reactions.
I think JJ is the nicest guest Dr.K has had. Wish him well !
Sounds like dad turned mommy into stairs, teaching the kids to do the same.
Dr. K being a smartass is actually quite funny. I don't know if his is what JJ needed, but I needed to hear tough Dr. K.
Are these problems with indecision common amongst gamers. This constant cycle of living in my head and in these hypotheticals has largely been my problem and I don't understand why I refuse to make decisions unless I feel I know it's the right one. Thank you this video. Also why do you think the comment ratio on this video is so low? Does it have to do with people not wanting to just try and meme or have the top comment because it would be disrespectful to the seriousness of the subject matter?
probably yes gamers are like that , bc games always have a solution , life doesnt
This has less views than most of his videos
I usually listen to this at work or in the bus, I barely interact with the comments.
Probably too heavy for the stream, but he needs to learn how to identify his emotions or he will keep intellectualizing. I'm only noticing, because I'm trying to fix the same problem in myself. I also noticed he has thought-interruptions, where he will go on a tangent, interrrupt himself for another tangent, and do it again. Constantly interrupting your own thoughts with new information is another way to keep from feeling anything. People like him, in his situtation, are used to toxic people constantly interrupting or making it about themselves, which when he is not around them, he will interrupt himself. At multiple points, he encourages Dr. K to interrupt. I'm guessing he feels comfortable 'listening' to his 'wise' dad's advice and passively being interrupted. His self-worth is in the gutter as well, and he probably doesn't feel he deserves to feel 'ungrateful' or is blocked by shame/guilt from feeling anger at is father. It could also be tons of fear that does this. Really so much to unpack, and I hope this guy gets some help, because emotions need to be used/unblocked to at least a point where you're aware of them.
Excellent conversation. It was really interesting to hear about this type of situation.
Its insane how people justify any sort of abuse with the ‘oh he provided for his family’, thats the bare minimum, if you’re having a kid you provide for them that’s not some virtue or ‘good dad’ quality. It reminds me of the dilemma that a movie like Fences poses, about the responsibility to provide but the refusal to love or ‘like’ the child. My dad was never the breadwinner, sat on his ass raking in the cash from my mom working her ass off while he spent half the time on his iPad, and yet he acted like the patron boss, demanding respect and affection and love and attention all the time for absolutely nothing, because he never treated anyone else with respect or decency but you had to serve his interests and emotions all the time. Just because ur dad works does not justify being an abusive narcissistic asshole, its not something they are suddenly allowed to because of their work, even if for centuries societal norms have basically argued it to be this way, that dads are allowed to vent on their children.
I enjoy hearing this guest talk. His voice is really soothing as I work and he seems nice
JJ if you see this I’d love to hear a follow up! I am in a similar place, it’s tough. I needed to hear the stuff about confidence haha
Would it be very unpopular if I say that his mom wasn't really such a saint... if she let her husband beat their kids with a fckn shovel??? The whole face blue etc. (But he never beat her, hey.)
And then she explains to kids "oh he was also beaten like that as a kid, have some understanding"
Not to mention, private school and unpaid loans issues. What a role model for her kids' future relationships
And apparently, now, when she discovered infidelity, NOW she wants a divorce?
There is no successful narcissist husband without a saintly wife feeding him. I think this JJ guy doesn't even realize that his dad beat him, but his mom really trained him to the whole dynamic just as much
Mothers seem to do that so often though in these environments. Thank god my dad never got this violent with us, though he could go on tantrums and just break everything and shout and threaten hitting, he’d hit our mom a lot not us so much cuz we’d just cower in our rooms. Thing is my mom acted the exact same. Always using the excuse of how my dad was raised, always about how he ‘doesn’t mean it’ or how its her fault somehow. Idk its insane how some mothers force themselves into being the submissive wife that lets everything happen and actively reinforces and worsens the behaviour of the husband by refusing to even lightly take any action and just coddling their husband to the point of the father not perceiving any consequences to his actions.
53:03 I understand why would you choose philosophers that glorify and idealize suffering. But it sounds more like one of your coping mechanisms and not genuine interest..
I agree with the tendency to lean towards philosophy that glorifies suffering as a coping mechanism for traumatised people. However; I think Jabree could potentially become a great philosopher if he could find his sense of authenticity.
@@GM-yb5yg Then I hope he finds it. Wherever will it be.
I love dr.K. He was talking to me here, I can relate a dam lot. Love JJ, specially at the end, cause I'm about to face uncertainty like him.
Yeah my dad is so on edge from my mom & so am I & he feels he has to carry her weight cuz my mom is an emotional deadweight in the dynamic & I told him yesterday we can't make it work with her & to give up on her & I have stopped playing my role & feel so much better after just 6 days
Imo you need to access and process your rage to move to true forgiveness. Otherwise you're just suppressing that part of you. I wonder if he's afraid of accessing his rage because he doesn't want to turn into his angry, abusive father?
Such a great interview.
I can't decide, was Dr. K actually annoyed by the guy or if he was just trying to come off as annoyed to provoke the guy to feel anger and say, "but going home is what I think is best!" or both? It seems like the guy clearly wanted Dr. K to say, "going home makes makes sense and sounds like what you want to do," but I think Dr. K knew the guy would then start defending staying and get more confused and instead wanted the kid to reach the conclusion that he already knew (that he should go home).
Well that was... interesting... Dr K not pulling his punches on a dodge tank...
the reason why he is talkin so positve about his family is cos the culture..Im muslim too and we just have this caution with how we speak about our parents it doesnt mean we see things positive..its just we havent been allowed to say "yeah u know I had shitty parents actually". I thought dr K got that
"I have been mentally and physically abused by my father"
"Ok"
This is so funny out of context
Think cases like these are actually quite common.
stay strong my shia brother
What's "shia"?
Branch of islam, there are sunni and shia muslims etc
@@xboxfullauto1000 he looks like shia lebouf, we are a part of north american shia lebouf look alike association
@@Sh0n0 xD
@@xboxfullauto1000 its something they fight eachother over who is right and who is wrong all in all in one religion imagine :D memes
"Are we doing the interview in accents?"
"Its too hard for you? thats what she said."
Wise words from a harvard doctor
Did Dr K ever do a full interview with the fake indian accent? That moment was fun
48:03 HAHAHAHAHA Alok has so much to day right there it's funny seeing him agitate and then calm down, that was cool, because this guy us kinda hard to talk to because theres a lot he doesnt know about himself. His father is super narcissistic, I'm surprised you didn't bring up codependancy, because he sounds VERY codependant, and I know cause I have the same problem growing up with abusive parents.
Also at 55:05 , I dont think that's his problem honestly, I feel like you shouldve reinforced the grappling with negativity instead of going back to guilt. This kinda became a problem solving conversation instead of exploring the route of why he thinks and says the way he does. Hes clearly defending his father because he's been programmed by him to beleive he's a great man when he really isnt let's be honest, and he deserves to come to face the fact that you might be mad at him JJ, because you deserve to have that side of you accepted, because your dad brought you up to not cry and not accept sides of yourself.
To you, maybe. For me it was the right talk.
Am I the only one who got the sense Dr. K mentally checked out at the end of the conversation? It was like he found the dilemma Jabree was facing kind of simple or trivial. It's the first time I have seen him do it and was kind of put off by it. We all have good and bad days but it left me feeling uneasy. This is a huge decision for Jabree and while staying in the US for a better long term future seems like a smart thing to do, getting to spend time with his family is also valuable. Yeah, I get there is no right decision but saying just make one is hardly empathic. He did come around a lil bit saying he is confident that Jabree has what it takes but it felt kind of insincere.
I won't answer for the man, but he often says he sometimes isn't being empathetic. I've watched a lot of his "content" for the lack of a better word, and this sort of thing has shown up more than once.
I mean he can't tell him what to do. But yeah he's said he is high on the sociopathy scale
Yeah he did get closed off near the end. Why though ? I don't think he's not empathic because I've seen the fellow feel for Mitch and it was genuine emotion.
because the guy wasn't listening AT ALL. He kept nodding but his mind was still circling his world. Notice how he just suddenly asks Dr. K "do you have any advice to stay in the moment?" after all the insight and observation shared? The guy seem sweet but you can't have an exchange with him. He either has damaged his mental state from all the abuse or he's a narcissist himself; a better person than his father, but just as unaware.
@@ramenyummm yeah idk, his nodding was excessive but that question felt pretty grounded in what dr.k was talking about. I can see how his mind is like "so why do i struggle with making a decision then, well im thinking about hypotheticals, im stuck in the future" "yo, how can i stay present then, i think a lot in the future?" then k breaks down how he KNOWS he thinks in the future because of it all. The dude is connecting dots, doesn't mean he's not listening. I think dr.k shuts down the reflection just because he knows the contextual talk is a trap for the brain. Dude even mentioned he likes problem solving, he's a smart guy. So I think by that point where he's just nodding, it's like highlighting all the text and then underlining what especially hits, cause all the text is relevant and then some points REALLY hit.
Same case here(without a brother though and without a tough mother rather a passive one)....
I fucking hate him to death and i hope he gets the worst cause he deserves it.
Any news from this guy since the interview?
I'm curious to see what has happened?
its 2022 , I hope he is doing good ^^
wow I relate to him not wishing hell upon hitler, I never understood how people can be filled with vitriol towards anyone. wow thats it for me too, I don't want to be like my father
You are not like someone else just because you do what they did but only if you have to. Learn the difference, some people deserve to get punished, fathers like them for example.
@abhishek roy I know about it and his father's deeds.
It's super thoughtful and reflective and wonderful to be the kind of person who realizes hell is too extreme and wishing hurt on others isn't the solution to them causing major harm etc
I have the same father, JJ, mine also cheated.
Hi Dr. K can you please upload an audio version in apple podcast and google? Need to listen when going for walks during covid.
When he talked about being his father's favourite, it immediately became clear how he so easily defends his father despite his own mother getting abused. I do not trust him. He calls his father wise? Laughable. His father is so wise that he needs to beg everyone for money because he quit working prematurely to engage in hobbies.
And who cares about his lack of love for coding. His mother took out loans to support him and he can't even bother returning the sacrifice by doing coding for a couple of years to generate enough money to help his family. He'd rather have fun in America doing whatever he wants while his brother and mother suffer back home. But hey, his father is wise. His wise father will figure it out. 🙄
Sincerely hoping you learned the word "plethora" from The Three Amigos.
I wish I could watch these videos without knowing the problems so I could know there problems.. Maybe I just have to catch a stream
hire him to edit your stuff, ayy
poor soul
Wow man... I feel your pain!
you all have been parentificated!
Your Mother should have protected you and should have left this assholl of a dad and protected you. She chose to leave him after knowing about the affair.. But what about the abuse? This is not fair for you!
Your story is very similar to ours...
اخ جبر عفوا بس ابوك نرجسي و الوالدة مع الاسف رغم تضحياتها لكن ما حمتكم منه و انتم صغار.
عيش حياتك و طز بالجميع
@47:57 MASSIVE
I fucking love dr K the accents omg xDSXDADDA
the accent thing made me laugh my ass off i swear
stay strong❤️
It never says in the vid the father is a narcissist. So the subject isnt tackled
Yes it is lol
An explanation is not justification
54:38 🎯
Wonder how he's doing now..
jaba the...
In a weird way this video was kathartic because i have no will to even start to forgive my narc dad. I even after trying to understand my dads background, his mental violence is still not right. Fuck him. I used to use og star wars as a reflectionnof reality but the part where luke saves vader on his deathbed i made the conclusion that thats space opera, fiction, fantasy. Not real life. Real life is not romanticly fair.
Yeah unfortunately in real life none of us have the sort of catharsis in fiction, e.g. Tony Stark reconciling with his dad, or Indiana Jones and his dad. Fiction is for vicariously feeling that catharsis, experiencing what you can’t have irl because either relationships are too complex to just resolve, or people genuinely do not deserve your forgiveness. I think some argue forgiveness is better for yourself, to not live in anger, and to instead move on. But at the same time its sometimes necessary to just cut someone out of your life. I want to cut my dad out, he’s a full-blooded narcissist who’s always treated my mom, the bread-winner, like shit, always acting the coddled manchild, every day of my life walking on egg-shells trying not to upset him because anything could send him in a rage or make him offended/insecure. I don’t want to forgive him because he does not even have the emotional intelligence to realise he did anything wrong, when I moved out of living alone with him after months of him being abusive, he was confused, he thought everything was fine and good and does not remember the time he dragged me out of bed throwing shoes at me drunk and yelling at 3AM for no apparent reason. I have nightmares about him every week. I dread vacations. He’s less worse now but he’s an unbearable asshole, my mom still endlessly excuses his behaviour and makes me spend so much time with him. Nothing justifies emotional abuse, parents can claim that its becuz of the way they were raised, or that ‘they don’t mean it’ or some bs, but its wrong, selfish and childish, parents always act like they’re these high-minded adults but often they resort to the most childish insecure behaviour.
Fucking CHURCH @1:00:31 this is the only thing that took me from facing a jail cell to which company I want to work for
Angry Joe!
This guy looks like he would kiss the homies good night
"Its too hard" said no woman ever lol
Hi my name is ...
Why the heck would you choose to come to the US for college? Goodluck Smh
For the dollars of course
He wasn't listening lol
@@Ventryx This shit is fucked
Dr K?
Please, do a video with that indian accent. It's hilarious but at the same time, it kind of works for you as an indian guru -type of voice. Just for laughs. It would crack people up haha :D
I would disagree, would be distracting.
Italian. 🤌