Why Fathers Matter - Dr Anna Machin
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- čas přidán 6. 06. 2024
- Anna Machin is an evolutionary anthropologist at Oxford University, a researcher into the role of fatherhood across time and an author.
The modern world has made dads surplus to requirements in many ways. The deadbeat dad is such a meme in sitcoms and cartoons now that it's no surprise men don't feel they have a role in child rearing. But just how important are fathers to the development of boys and girls? And what don't we know about their impact?
Expect to learn how fathers saved the human race when babies heads got too big, whether it's normal for dads to not feel love for their baby when it's born, the most important ways dads can bond with their kids, whether dads are more important to girls' or boys' development, what pushback Anna got for writing a pro-father book and much more...
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#family #fatherhood #mensrights
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00:00 We Need to Change the Narrative Around Fathers
06:02 How Evolution Shows the Value of Fatherhood
12:26 Is Modern Culture Making Fathers Redundant?
23:28 Changes in the Brain in a Committed Relationship
27:19 Why Babies Should Lie on the Father’s Chest
30:17 Differences in Roles of Mothers & Father’s in Child-Nurturing
41:23 Why Adolescents Need Their Fathers
50:04 Why Does Our Current Society Demonise Fathers?
58:13 What Anna Wished More People Knew
1:01:39 Where to Find Dr Machin
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Hello you beauties. Access all episodes 10 hours earlier than CZcams by Subscribing on Spotify - spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - apple.co/2MNqIgw. Here’s the timestamps:
00:00 We Need to Change the Narrative Around Fathers
06:02 How Evolution Shows the Value of Fatherhood
12:26 Is Modern Culture Making Fathers Redundant?
23:28 Changes in the Brain in a Committed Relationship
27:19 Why Babies Should Lie on the Father’s Chest
30:17 Differences in Roles of Mothers & Father’s in Child-Nurturing
41:23 Why Adolescents Need Their Fathers
50:04 Why Does Our Current Society Demonise Fathers?
58:13 What Anna Wished More People Knew
1:01:39 Where to Find Dr Machin
If you do not lower the number of adds you run I am ceasing watching on CZcams. This is 100% ridiculous. Sell a damn shirt if you need the money.
That was a great episode, hearing about dads is so important. As a mother of two I absolutely don't know how on earth I would have done without my partner. From the very beggining : I wanted him to be by my side during birth to help me and he came to most of my prenatal lessons. What an amazing experience to share, to bring to life a human being. Other than this, my mum was raised by her beloved dad, a real hero, and she came out way more sain than her little half-brother raised by her mum. So.. dads can be super good at raising their kids, even though it's always better when both the parents are arround of course.
When she starting talking about equalising maternity leave & paternity leave so as to "help" mothers get back to the workplace faster, I knew she was just another corporatist shill fraud. Anthropology - the retarded younger brother of biology.
a reset (/crash) is never pritty
The Life of Dad: The Making of a Modern Father - required reading. Some women don't care about thier kids anymore - just being paid for having one. They're now totally selfish like the children they are, prob due to... not having a strong male role model.
The hours my son (8) spends with his father, building circuits, cuddling, shooting target. They are happy as Larry. My husband has taught our daughter (12) to ride a scooter and they’re doing open water dive training together. I could not fill the void if he was not here. He brings a skill set and energy completely different to mine. He is indispensable.
Secondly my brother has taught me such great lessons in parenting - the best being to say things like, “you’re such a wonderful boy!” Or “you’re just a lovely person” to your kids. We do this daily now from his example and our kids just lap it up
My oldest son's father spent thirteen years purposefully undermining every thing I tried to teach my son.... I said work ethics were important and that's why you have to do your school work and turn it in on time, his father told him school was stupid.. and this kind of thing went on for thirteen years. I managed to raise upstanding and wonderful children anyway, but my experience was the opposite of yours.
100%. My husband wrestles and does rough and tumble play with our kids. He pushes them hard but they seem to love the challenge even if they are upset sometimes. As boys, they need that masculine attitude of competition and challenge that I don’t have as much of as my husband.
Women and men are different. Simple as.
@@Andrea-zm1nl- tbf, dad isn’t totally wrong about school honestly. They don’t teach useful things in school that kids need to transition into adulthood like knowing how to budget your finances or how to read contracts. I have a feeling if that was taught in school, people would think school was WAY more interesting and useful. And I say this as someone who has a master’s degree.
Not everyone is meant to do well in school and with how horrible the universities are now, there’s better ways to get your kids to be disciplined and to have a better career instead of crippling student debt and wasting 4 years getting indoctrinated into Marxism.
@@umiluv yeah...I said no to my then eleven year old son being allowed to play or own video games rated m for mature and his father took him shopping to buy every game I would not let him have, if he miss behaved and got grounded from video games for a week his father let him play them anyway...and there is nothing stupid about getting an education...the schools were not woke and acting this ignorant fifteen years ago, at least not at the grade school level. Never the less, I made sure that my children had access to their fathers through their whole child hood and the one I am referring to here learned the hard way that he didn't want to be like his dad. If I was parenting young children now, I would home school them.. and I'd still consider it child abuse for an adult to encourage a child to refuse to do school work and participate in the education process
Omg I'm 40 now. When I was 29 my pregnant girlfriend ditched me for an older man and I felt worthless and left. I met my daughter for the 1st time when she was 4, and on the 4th or 5th visit she hugged me and whispered in my ear I love you. I swear I've never felt love like that. And all I wanted from that moment was my daughter and the immense strength of that bond.
Hearing you guys talk about this has been so amazing for me. Thank you
Think what it says about your girlfriend at the time.
@@richardburton5706 Women do vast majority of child abuse.
Contrary to popular belief women are not these angelic morally superior beings that create love, peace, and harmony everywhere they go. You should get a DNA test and if she is your daughter I wish you and her the best.
How long had you been with this girlfriend?
At this point a DNA test can only make him more unhappy, and the daughter unhappy. Whereas they have this strong parental bond now that they both love each other dearly and can see each other. So with all due respect... shove it.
My daughter was born when I was 50. I’m looking forward to retiring, being a stay at home Dad, and annoying my daughter by being there for every school event, teaching her the ways of the world, meeting every boyfriend, and keeping her in check. It’s gonna be great!
Love this! Best of luck and enjoy!
Being a black father presents a few additional challenges. Whenever I go to my kids doctor’s visits or school events, I make sure I announce myself as husband and father clearly. If not, I rarely get addressed. Teachers and nurses are so used to fathers not being present that when a man is there, they feel as if they have to walk on eggshells because they don’t know if they’re dealing with an uncle, brother, step daddy, baby daddy, or boyfriend.
I'm white. I've got 7 kids all with the same mother. I've had the exact same problem their entire lives. It's much more widespread than you think.
And remember sir, it was the Democrats who promoted getting rid of the black father and imposing a welfare state on black mothers
Stand strong, do what you know is right. Don't let other people define your role. They are strangers, they don't know who you are.
I guess dads have had such a bad rep, no one expects much from us anymore. But my story is a bit different. As a man from Africa, I noticed that my wife gets so much respect whenever I show up with her at the doctors. They appreciate these things here
wow
How society treats fathers is absolutely terrible. How the courts treat them is even worse. Great work, incredible conversation. Thank you both.
Let's be real
The way WOMEN, treat fathers. Women treat fathers like absolute garbage.
YES YES YES!
The way modern society treats children is even worse. Children won’t see either of their parents for the vast majority of the day because both parents have to work. The child is now turned into a commodity that can be monetised and taxed trough daycare and kindergartens. It’s very difficult to get help from extended family because they’re too busy working too.
Show me a man whose child came home from college at Christmas as "trans", I'll show you a father who was asleep at the wheel for the child's upbringing
Yes, or elbowed out by egotistical wife @@johnglenn2539
My father passed away when i was 10. Let me tell you, finding my way as an adult man without a father is not something I'd wish on anyone and that was with a Rockstar of a mom. I love listening to podcasts like this, it opens my eyes so much.
Same here dude. My father topped himself when I was 4. It really messes you up even if you have other male mentor figures.
My mother chased my father away, and then married an absolute YesMan coward.
I love the guy, but he's terrified in his own home and can't even sip a beer on his birthday without permission.
The effect he's had on myself and his children has been of similar value to the above sentence.
Same, had to find Mark Manson, Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, Chris here, etc,.to help with that.
Your mother was Lita Ford?
@@calstonjew Nah, just Canadian
I am a pediatrician. I told every new Dad, all of them excited about their new child, to just wait until the child is 4 Months old-that is when they truly see you !! Then you are hooked into being a Dad!!
Four years later and you're out. Tell them that.
But why?@@ribeyemgtow1783
One of my greatest joys is my memories of reading to my daughter about that age when she woke up in the middle of the night. There was one particular book that she really liked so while I read others as well that was our go to book. I’d try to skip a few pages and she’d immediately stop me and turn the pages back to the right page. I had the book memorized but then again she obviously did as well. I was reading to my grandchildren but now, they are beginning to read to me. They truly are a joy.
Yes! When that baby smiled, my husband was thrilled and had a lot more joy. He was exceptionally helpful before but was paid back tenfold with our daughters smile and laugh :)
That's so sweet
I was in prison ministry a couple of years ago at a county jail. After getting to know them I asked the whole POD how many of them had fathers in their life when they were growing up. It didn't surprise me when they all (100%) said they did not have a Dad growing up and almost all of it was due to family court giving the children to the mother in a divorce and then the mom denied the Dad access to his children.
They can't govern their own lives. What makes you think they can raise a child.
I work in addictions, and it is the exact same story there. 100% of my female clients, and probably 80% of my male clients did not have active fathers in their lives, very often the client doesn't know why (which means it's probably the courts), or it's the courts.
Before this I worked in a general counseling practice, and probably 85% of my clients didn't have active fathers in their lives.
@@able34bravo37Did it occur to you that not having a father in their lives and struggling with addiction could both be traced to the same root cause such as genetic issues, poverty, addiction in the family, unmanaged mental health issues, etc,?
TBH many cases their fathers did not want anything to do with the kids...some are courts. May God bless me to be in my babies life.
Don’t blame the mothers or the courts for taking kids away from an abusive parent dude. If the dad takes off it’s usually because he just can’t handle the task due to mental illness and or addiction leading to abuse.
The real problem is not enough community resources and support for families so that the dad doesn’t head down the road of depression and everything that depression leads to.
As a father, I've had this same conversation about men having to invest more time in the beginning to get that bond with the baby. It took my kids smiling at me for the first time to get that. This isn't put out there enough for new dads.
Males are all wondering why society doesn't care about them. It's because they're so clueless. Why would it take your child smiling at you for you to realize that a man needs to connect with his children? Women understand these things inherently, but males remain perpetually clueless and disconnected from their children. If a dude has to be told that he needs to connect to his kids, or he doesn't get that memo until he sees his kids smile, then I don't know what to say about males in general, except that the selfish will end up alone.
Feminism is a cancer, yes.
I never fully understood what unconditional love is until I saw my son. My love for my wife is a wonderful thing and we worked hard for our love. But the love I feel for my son exists and can't be changed.
Agreed, the bond takes more time.
I thought I was a broken, heartless SOB when my son was born last year. I felt zero bond, and anger at the more frustrating moments of early infancy.
It was mom after mom who made me feel better/normal by telling me how their husbands were the SAME way.
Once my son started smiling at me, everything changed. 😊
I’m a mother of three kids. I need my husband. I can’t imagine doing this job on my own and what he brings to the table is irreplaceable for me and for our kids. Fathers in the home loving their wives and children sacrificially is crucial to a functioning society.
I want my husband in the home sharing in raising our children, it strengthens our bond. Our children need my husband in the home sharing in the raising of our children, it strengthens their development. We all benefit with better outcomes including my husband.
That is why to the Zionists/Globalists the destruction of the role of fathers is imperative to achieve a totalitarian police state. Families, extended families especially are the bukwarks against tyranny and fathers are key to forming, protecting and expanding families.
We need more people like you ladies. God bless you and your families.
@@ranellnikora48 Thank you very much for your comment.
If I hadn't had my father in my life ... oh I can imagine how awful my life would have been. My mother was distant, she kept grudges, had no friends ... my Dad was imaginative, involved, pushed us kids to do more to achieve. He defended us against injustice, punished us when deserving it. He taught me so much. The world was a wonderful place for him. He taught me to look at the beauty around me. He woke up in the morning, happy for the new day, forgetting all the bad that came before.
That's the point, isn't it? The distribution of personality traits (loving/cold, distant/involved, harsh/tender) never cut consistently across gender lines. There have always been mothers who were terrors and fathers who were nurturers as well as parents who seemed to conform to the story we told about what mothers are/what fathers are. Possibilities always ran in unexpected ways. The question is how and why did we decide they ran only one way, that Mom was X and Dad was Counter-X? Why did we decide that was "natural" in the face of so much evidence that if nature was anything, it was diverse and unpredictable? How and why did we limit ourselves and cut off so many people's potential at the knees?
My father's failures had me feeling my way through life blindly throughout my 20s until I learned to be a man through reading and reparenting myself, which continues into my 40s. This podcast underscores my long term intuition that mothers are for keeping their kids alive, but fathers are there to teach their kids how to live.
My own life experience was very similar...
+
Same.
Geez same here. Very interesting.
From a woman in her 30s who had to re-parent herself after being raised by an emotionally absent mother and distant father - well said.
Proud father of 2.
Nothing beats the feeling of holding your children for the first time.
Such an important message!
One of the things that I've most wanted to do, is to become a father, and teaching my children, becoming their mentor, their sensei. Children need a father to guide them, to impart them wisdom, to support them, to motivate them, yes.
Without a doubt. First time I held my daughter, I understood that ferocious beast known as the protective father. That understanding of how far I was willing to go to protect her from threats hit home. The surprising part for me wasn't that understanding, but it was how comfortable I was with that thought. However, it does make sense. One of of the primary fatherly roles is protector, and it is an ingrained into all fathers who love their children.
Being old now, I have to confess. Honest to God, I truly believed males had absolutely 0 feelings or emotions, not ever. I was absolutely shocked when in my late 20s I knew a guy who was really hurt that his girlfriend broke up with him. I was stunned. Before that, males were that part of the species that were only happy when they were hitting you. They were something to stay as far away from as possible. I truly didn't know there was any good man on the planet.
@@VTdarkangel100%, instant willingness to anythjng and everythjng to protect
As a kid I almost never did anything bad, or broke the rules in any way. I specifically remember when my friend group was stealing from a local convenience store and I wanted to be part of it but when I went to take something off the shelf I just couldn't stop thinking about my parents and how disappointed they would be in me for stealing. I really think that good parents that the child respects is one of the biggest keys to producing productive people in society.
I remember on Howard Stern the porn stars that he interviewed had no involvement by their parents in their lives 99% of the time. It was super rare to find someone in that industry who didn't come from a completely broken home
Super important man, you hit the nail on the head. I grew up with my father barely in my life, and no matter how hard my mom tried, or the involvement of my grandparents or my friend's parents, there is no replacing that guidance and bond. I've seen in my case that I've ended up being affected by my father's absence so deeply that my life has taken a legitimate turn for the worse in ways I could not have connected to it without deep reflection and education such as with this podcast. I also believe this is why people don't think single motherhood is "all that bad" or can even be a good thing, because children--especially boys --don't easily understand the way an absent father affects them, especially considering the fact that you don't know what you're missing so badly because you've never had it
“Parents”? This video is about fathers.
Yes when Father is absent girls tend to seek it outside or were molested by their step dad because their mom was neglectful. They tend to use pron as a form of escapism and control of their abuse.
MY 77 YEAR OLD ABUSIVE MOTHER WAS STILL CURSING ME OUT ON AN AWFUL PHONECALL WITH HER LAST NIGHT - SHE SAID I NEVER RESPECTED HER OR MY FATHER WHEN I WAS GROWING UP WITH THEM - TO WHICH I REPLIED: “YOU HAVE TO GIVE RESPECT TO GET RESPECT”
I SPENT MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD UNTIL THE AGE OF 18 BEING BASHED ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD EVERY DAY JUST BECAUSE I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL - SHE PUNCTURED MY LEFT EYELID WITH MY FATHER’S BELT BUCKLE BY BEATING MY SEVEN YEAR OLD FACE WITH HER HUSBANDS LEATHER BELT - I ALMOST LOST MY LEFT EYE 👁️ AND BOTH OF MY PARENTS HID THE ABUSE BY PREVENTING ME FROM GOING TO SCHOOL FOR A WHOLE WEEK - BUT MY SISTER DIANA COULD - THIS WAS HAPPENING IN LONDON AND MY FATHER WAS STUDYING AT THE PRESTIGIOUS ROYAL COLLEGE OF PSYCHIATRY IN LONDON TO BECOME SIERRA LEONE’S FIRST AND ONLY CITIZEN PSYCHIATRIST TO THIS VERY DAY - YOU WOULD THINK THAT A MEDICAL DOCTOR WHO WAS SPECIALIZING IN PSYCHIATRY - AND I HAD READ HIS CHILD PSYCHIATRY AND CHILD PSYCHOLOGY MEDICAL TEXT BOOKS - YOU WOULD THINK HE SHOULD HAVE SEPARATED FROM HER AND GOTTEN ME TO SAFETY AS A CHILD - BUT NO - AFTER MY MANIC ABUSIVE MOTHER STRANGLED ME TO UNCONSCIOUSNESS AT THE AGE OF TWELVE - BECAUSE I DID NOT PUT THE CAP BACK ON THE TOOTHPASTE WHILE I WAS STILL BRUSHING MY TEETH - I STARTED ASKING THEM FOR A DIVORCE EVERY TIME THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT AND EVERYTIME I HAD TO PHYSICALLY PRY THEM APART WHEN THEY WERE PHYSICALLY FIGHTING EACH OTHER - AT 50 I AM STILL SO PERMANENTLY SCARRED BY THE EXTREME TRAUMA OF HAVING TO GROW UP WITH TWO EXTREMELY DYSFUNCTIONAL ABUSIVE PEOPLE WHO NEVER RESPECTED ME OR MY DEVELOPING BRAIN 🧠 AND BODY AND HOME WAS NEVER A SAFE PLACE FOR ME - I HAD TWO MARRIED PEOPLE AS PARENTS WHO WERE DESTROYING ME ON A DAILY BASIS AND THEY DID NOT CARE!!!
SO WHY SHOULD I RESPECT THEM NOW WHEN THEY NEVER RESPECTED ME - THEY ONLY ABUSED AND NEGLECTED ME - PEOPLE HAVE TO STUDY AND TAKE EXAMS TO PASS BEFORE THEY CAN CREATE A BRAND NEW HUMAN BEING WHO WILL EITHER BECOME A BENEFIT OR A BURDEN TO SOCIETY!!!
IF YOU CANNOT GET A DRIVERS LICENSE WITHOUT TAKING THE WRITTEN AND DRIVING TEST AND PASSING - THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO CREATE A BRAND NEW HUMAN BEING THAT COULD BE PERMANENTLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY SCARRED BY YOU THE UNCARING UNEDUCATED UNTRAINED PARENT!!!
similar. i knew form an early age the major difference form me and some of my worse off friends who did dumb shit and are now dead, in jail or just now becoming real men. my father was the difference. not even joking, most of the peers i had who didn't have dads seemed to be raised like animals.
As a single dad it's been a genuine struggle the early months. Feelings of being overwhelmed combined with grief, tonnes of well intended advice, but when the shit hit the fan, I don't know where I would have been without my mother (helping me to come to grips with the baby, emotional support) AND my dad (structuring things to manageable proportions). Though they were divorced for a long time, they worked together like a well trained tag team.
Let's all acknowledge, that parents of whatever identity being emotionally and practically being available is what births stable and healthy relationships, communities and societies. For that enables people to bounce back after a crisis. We all need a support base to be able to rely on. Let's make that our priority and not allow our relationships to become politicized. A hand held open in invitation and a smile or an arm around someone else's shoulder in grief is worth more than the government or law of the day.
100% great comment
Sorry sir, but feminism says you're completely wrong! Feminism says that all the women are victims and you and all men are constantly oppressing them. Stopping a coward and call out the feminists!
God bless you and this wonderful comment.
@@zee-zm1io Thank you kindly! Same to you!. To my mind it's badly needed that we start rebuilding bridges smashed by divisive and resentful narratives. It is so damaging to our communities and families to see how people have strayed from the words of Dr. Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech. Let's keep his dream alive.
Take heart dad, children of single father households have similar outcomes statistically as two parent households.
As a father I went to my youngest child's school for parent teacher conference. Her teacher commented on how odd it was for her to see a father rather than a mother. She explained that when she does see a father it when both parents show up, apparently its not common for only a father to show up.
I've done it. What was sad for me was that one of the nurses commented when my son was born. That it was nice to see me there. Since they see a lot of just mom coming in without dad. And that just kinda hit me as such a sad statement.
Done so many a time, teachers and the administration knew and enjoyed my visits me. Now if I walked in impromptu they may have had concern.
@@gimiked8685 Was at my wife's side for all three. When our second was born Cindy held onto my arm so tight during labor it took two days to get any feeling back in it.
My children’s dad was hugely instinctive. He wanted a sling for the baby while I wanted a fancy pram! He was also up for cosleeping and very much wanted me to breastfeed.
We now Co-parent (after a little drama with our splitting up) and I am so lucky to have such an amazing dad for my kids.
People don’t want to hear this but we are not supposed to be “single mums”. It’s just not natural.
Fathers are super important, my boys NEED a present dad in their life as he can give them things that, as a mother, I cannot.
Thank you for this message as a co parent dad my self it's so refreshing to hear positive of dads
We are meant to be single anything. We are social communal beings.
My mum was amazing. Still left me unprepared for modern women.
yet you left him, really looking out for the kids happiness
When your kids hit puberty, their dad is going to be worth his weight in gold... if he's still allowed to co-parent.
Can relate to this. Didnt feel like i was ready to be a dad until 2 hours after my first son was born. I changed his first poo, dressed him and got him to sleep in the hospital bed next to his mum, i gave him a little rock side to side when he stirred, in that moment i felt ready. That first small success was life changing
The first success is a big one. I remember the first time my daughter got scared and reached for me instead of her mom - that felt good. But the first thing I was able to do for my daughter was help soothe her the day after she was born. We were still at the hospital, she was screaming, she wasn't hungry, her diaper was clean, mama rocking/holding her wasn't helping, me holding her wasn't helping. So I got my phone out and played 'Welcome To Earth' by Sturgill Simpson - a song about having his first kid. We had noticed in the womb she responded to music, she would get active whenever there was music playing. Within seconds of the song starting she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. That song will forever hold a special place in my heart and that memory comes flooding back every time I hear it.
I just had a baby and a very difficult and traumatic birth - let me tell you that my husband was the voice through all the pain that I could hear and trust and he held me together through it and never left my side.
He has done everything around me to make sure I could rest and recover and he's amazing with the baby and has just as much intuition with baby as I do.
Almost no-one spoke to him, looked at him, let him sign anything, asked him anything or have him food or coffee during the entire saga, which lasted days.
One or two midwives recognized how important he was and helped him, but by and large, they acted like he wasn't there.
Dads are the best. My Dad is an amazing man too. They are equivalent to mums.
Edit: his workplace gives him 4 months of paid paternity, same as the female amount and that's made all the difference to how much he can bond and love on baby. Paternity leave should be much better and I think is part of the issue - men never get the chance to learn competence and thus bond with baby like women can
My father did not see himself as needed in my day to day care. He mostly just saw me on holidays. I am a 48 year old woman who has spent much of her life in therapy of one kind or another due to depression and anxiety. I really think a huge part of my problem is a sort of unfillable hole left in my heart that cries out, “Why wasn’t I important enough to my father for him to show up and raise me?” I know with my adult brain that his parenting had nothing to do with my worth but the little girl me still feels like I was not interesting and good enough to keep my dad engaged. Fathers are so important to child rearing. My husband is very present for our son and so important to him. I’m glad I married a guy who is such a good dad. My son will not have the hole in his heart like I do♥️
could be a generational thing
@@alleygh0st
Lame excuse
My wife feels the same way.
I know many good men who have gone through massive struggles to have a relationship with thier children, despite mothers best efforts to prevent it. Its the greatest tragedy when good men are deprived of thier children. It cuts very deep. And contributes to male suicide. Having our love and nurturing received is very important to us. I am pleased these conversations are coming up at last. At 63 with 2 grown children, i have had to figurw this out with very little guidance. The instinctual knowing is in our blood and bones. Fortunately my wife valued fathering.
My ex doesn't. I told my ex until I was blue in the face: "That she has both of her parents and they raised her together, why is it okay to isolate your daughter from her father?"
I've become tired of wanting to protect women, now that many of them have shown their true colors.
About 20,000 men a year kill themselves because a woman divorces him and takes his kids.
@@winstonsmith6204Women take kids from their father because women are evil. Pure and simple.
@@winstonsmith6204 a lot of women want their independence until they no longer want their independence and by then it’s frequently too late. By the same token many men are on the same path. Someone I knew who went through a lot of women told me he was going to marry a virgin when he was thirty five. I told him no one was going to want him. He married a really sweet girl a few years later and they stayed married for a few years until she finally came to her senses and ran for the hills. A lady is always worth protecting but too many women have chosen to be liberated and the type of masculinity many are emulating is the loud mouth aggressiveness of the “macho” men. They are street and street people are on their own.
Had the same experience..
I think Dr. Peterson said it best "If your father rejects you, it is as if the spirit of civilization has left you outside of its walls". in my opinion the reality is it takes a village, and we all know what happens when the village burning gives off more warmth than one that alienates.
I'm not sure I got the last half sentence about the "village burning" right. Can you elaborate a little?
Fathers do that sick shit all the time. Civilization is not that great.
What happens?
There is a phrase that if a boy doesn't feel the loved by his village, when he becomes a man he will burn it down to feel its warmth. Something like that. @@stefan1924
I think it comes from a proverb that says if a child gets rejected by his village he'll come back and burn it down to feel it's warmth.
I have always laughed when anyone questioned the importance of fatherhood because my dad was a shining light for me. His influence is always there. I always felt I could be a dad and wanted to be, even when I didn’t think I was ready. I am thankful for all he gave me -now I try to give the same to my children.
I know many here may not believe as I do, but as a true Christian, my experience during my wife's pregnancies had a deep and profound spiritual component that grew stronger during pregnancy and after our first was born there were moments of profound epiphany for me that gave me a small glimpse into true unconditional love toward a helpless human, my son. This happened again on a deeper level when my second son approached birth and then was born. I believe that there is a strength and a fortitude that comes from this spiritual component that cannot be ignored and cannot be denied. If a man is paying attention, he can bring so much to the table on this spiritual side. For making a quick comment here, it's really difficult to find the right words to even describe it.
Well sir, please remember that there is a Cadre of evil women who call themselves feminists who want to destroy your family.
now a feminist will tell us what to do as father wt f these beaches were the reason all this suffering exist feminism was great as long as it was hurting men but now as it hurt women we all should come together to save women so that they further exploit us
I'm a Christian too. Did you find all the first part of this conversation tedious? All the talk about evolution and big heads? I almost abandoned the interview all together.
I'm genuinely pleased for you bro, but here in UK we are becoming more and more secular. Good for you that you have those beliefs to hold on to.
I’m a new Dad and I watched this episode while feeding my four month old son early in the morning. Having more conversations about fatherhood and the role that we play with our kids is so critical. Brilliant episode!
Why are yoy doing that? You need sleep for work that's the mothers job
It's probably more a role model issue... In the past, there were more set expectations, and now that the societal role models are broken, people are confused.
@filthyminges do men not sacrifice for their wives and children? What, then, is a man?
This video got to me. I'm a dad who's been pushed aside by every person in the healthcare system we've ever interacted with concerning our son; I have suffered from post-natal depression; and have (and still do) struggled with a sense of low relevance and low competence, as a parent.
Thank you so much.
My husband too - it was bizarre, like they thought baby arrived from a virgin birth and this strange man kept showing up. They honestly treated him with suspicion at times and he's lovely
Did Women do this to you or was it the Healthcare system? Do you get my point? Men are hated.
Move forward with your life, make you the best you can be… do a 75Hard challenge. The kid wants to be with you… the better you are, the harder it is for everyone else to keep the kid from being with you… embrace the suck
You are relevant. Be the best you that you can be and your family will follow.
Maybe you should do activies where you hang out with other men and especially other dads.
What an excellent episode. I am a psychotherapist and the relief that I see when working with men and young fathers about the difference in father's bonding compared to the mothers. We are guilty as a society of wilfully under emphasising the fathers role in parenting.
I’m a twenty one year old father with full sole custody of my two year old. This was a great episode.
Do NOT get married - see this through till your kid is an adult; look at Boris Johnson & Donald Trump - cracking out babies in their fifties.
Build your self, father your child, and keep in top physical shape.
You’ll be fine my man 👌
Good job dude.
As a child of a single parent household (my mum did a great job!) I never understood the need for two parents until I had my two girls. My wife and I bring completely different skills and attitudes to raising our kids and hopefully they will grow up more rounded and fulfilled
Shout out to the good dads who deal with bitter moms. Do your best and it’ll all pay off in the end. Kids are smart. Just stay involved and avoid the bs.
Also fk the men who aren’t showing up for their kids.
Shout out to all the women through out history who have had to deal with inadequate fathers, and get called "bitter" for rightfully being upset about it.
@@sarahrobertson634
Yup
As I've said elsewhere, just ignore Sarah up there. She's an obvious feminist who makes a lot of comments on these videos just being contrarian to men and their views/preferences/methods, etc.
One would assume she's either one of those bitter moms you mention or is a sad, lonely "cat mom" sipping wine on her couch as she tells herself she actually wants to be alone, but actually is just too insufferable (and likely old) to get the kind of man she *thinks* she deserves.
@@jonsnowight9510Ahahahahaha!! You're going to have to ignore every woman on earth as well, incel. This is what we either think right at the moment, or will think soon enough. It's funny to watch males fail and flail because women are walking away.
I am a widower and have raised my son since he was 2 years old, he was also diagnosed with Autism at a young age.He's now in his teens too and i would be very pleased to hear about how your next endeavour proceeds.
With regard to my own experiences I am pleased to say that when my son was born the staff there did encourage skin to skin contact.
Between being present at his birth and holding him like that later on, I feel like it made a massive difference.
It made it all feel "real" to me in a way that up till that moment didn't seem real.
But it's also true the experience could have been better.
Although i did eventually hold my son, it wasn't right away and the skin to skin wasn't for another 18 hours after.
As soon as my wife was outside of surgery (just sewed up a tear) the staff were like "OK, well she's going to ward now, you can go home now (said as an order)
My fatherly instincts were telling me not to leave their sides but I was refused.
On the one hand, I get they needed to move her there, plus the other mums don't want random fathers hanging around, but in the other I'd just seen my wife and son carted off without me even getting to say a proper goodbye.
Since the labour lasted four days I was certainly exhausted by this point but sleep was the last thing on my mind.
When I was allowed back I was allowed around 10-15 mins for the skin to skin but it was in the presence of my in-laws as well as my wife, plus the rest of the ward so it felt a bit weird but it was still well worth it.
As for the paternity leave it was another thing that could be improved.
My wife felt very vulnerable when I wasn't around and it greatly upset her.
They did allow me a week (I think?) But after that they said I could take "non-paid paternity leave" for 2 more weeks or come back now.
Not really a choice is it?
After my wife died I tried taking him to those mother and toddler groups, figured it'd be important to his development.
I was made to feel extremely unwelcome by everyone except the lady who ran the thing.
They all looked at me like I had 5 heads, gave funny looks, whispered (but not really) questioning things about me.
After the 2 hours were up they all left, the host apologised for how the others had treated us.
After that I never bothered attending again.
Most of my interactions with mothers were usually either they felt sympathy for my loss, having to raise a child alone or they were extremely judgemental, very wary of this guy alone with a kid (I expect they thought I was a creep)
The school staff were fine with me once he reached nursury and school age and when he was diagnosed with Autism recieved much care and support.
Unfortunately some children thought it was entertaining to try and set off Autistic meltdowns by being, quite frankly, evil, by mocking him over the fact his mother was dead, one time was due to all the kids making mothers day cards and one child mocked him by saying "Haha, guess you don't need to make one since you don't have a mum because she's dead"
The school staff were very apologetic each time it would happen but it didn't mean it was an easy situation to deal with for him.
I've always said that "being a father didn't come naturally to me" but maybe that was due to some conflicting roles, since I was taking on both to some extent.
I am very proud of my son, he's going to college soon and has managed to mostly get on top of his Autism enough that he can pursue a career learning programming.
My wife was a wonderful mother in those early years and I wish for nothing else that she can hopefully see him growing up from the heavens above.
Anyways, I imagine some of you are guys who are having issues with your identity as a father.
Whilst I can't say I'm an expert and perhaps my experience is skewed by irregular experiences but I would honestly say the advice this lady mentions is spot-on.
It comes with time.
The first 9 months of pregnancy whilst a bit exciting you might not feel too much and for another 6 months after it can be a bit..... "uneventful"
That said, in those 6 months, I did the bathing and I shared changing his diapers and would hold him etc.
I think all of that really helped too.
But after the 6 months it gets easier.They start doing stuff and you get to interact.
The rough and tumble stuff is great, that's when I felt like a "Dad" finally.
Generally speaking I see Dad's as "teaching skills" so in my sons teen years that's what I do.
I bore the living daylights out of him with lectures about this and that as we walk around the park each evening.
He jokes I'm worse than a teacher but I know deep down he doesn't mind as much as he says.
We spend a lot of time gaming too, so that let's us bond in a hobby and beyond that I've taught him outdoors skills, camping, orienteering etc and I teach what limited things in know about programming.
It's dawning on me these past few months that life is changing greatly for us both.
In a few years he might fly the nest.I look back and wonder "Did I prepare him enough for life?"
I hope I won't have any regrets but soon, my house maybe quiet.....and I hate that idea.
But it's part of growing up, for him and for me.
He'll always be my baby son.
I just hope he won't forget me and stays in contact better than I do with my parents.
But anyways, if you are a father struggling, just remember it'll come to you eventually and if I can raise a kid, you can too.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I don’t have children but it’s reassuring to hear another man’s perspective on how he’s been treated during childbirth and then without his wife - my sincere condolences. One thing young men are never told is that if you are over the age of 20 and by yourself in public, you are not treated with anywhere near the same level of compassion and kindness as women. You are not seen a human, you are just there - a worker bee that’s wandered off from the hive. Walk by or god forbid watch someone else’s children play - may as well be an escaped criminal convict. I try to combat this by smiling and saying hello to strangers, and returning any dirty looks I’m given for existing.
Hugs! ❤️
Single father households have similar outcomes to two parent households
My wife and I raised 4 children to adulthood. Exactly, my wife LOVED nursing the babies, but I loved it most when they started to interact with me. I loved playing tricks on them, watching them grow out if the trick or finding novel ways out of them but the best was when they played tricks on me! Children as adults, mom will give a very long, complex answer to something they didn’t ask. Dad simply says, take the high ground here and press the advantage or cede the high ground and watch for the stumble.....
Yeah, dad's role isn't quite the same as a mom's.
The worst past relationships I have had have been with women from fatherless homes. I now have two daughters, and I will always be there for them because I know this will give them the best chance to become strong young women who respect themselves and others around them. As well as give them the best chance of having healthy relationship with the man in their lives.
Help them find a good man
❤️🗡️🛡️🦰🕊️⛪🙏
"Daddy issues" isn't just a tongue-in-cheek jab at girls with poor boundary establishment.
There's science and shit.
But we've boiled the cause and pattern down to a very recognizable summary.
Same here. Went through one relationship and a nightmare of a marriage with women that had father issues. I mean no offence to our women out there, but when it comes to women finding the right man or the man they think they can be stable with, having a relationship with the father is extremely crucial. If a woman has no respect for her father due to a lack of a relationship with him, what makes you think she will respect you. That's why women like these need therapy, because its like looking for the first high after getting used to narcotics, and they can never find it, failing to hold onto stable relationships and jumping from one man to the next, simply because she is looking for her father as the blueprint for selecting a male, and she can never find him.
@@juliuswallace6783 and so it's a good man that suggests she has therapy to sort out her Daddy issues and doesn't become yet another number saax conquest for men who have no respect for her.
Make that a criterion for continuing with a woman. If she grew without a father run the other way.
So great to hear the importance of rough and tumble play. I would drive me mad when my husband would come home from work and work the boys into a frenzy. I now understand how good it was and the proof is how amazing our young men are. I encourage all Dads now of the role of fun and to get involved in their kids lives. Thanks for a great pod cast. I hope it gets to many. From NZ
Too bad that you evil feminists are completely destroying our society by destroying the family. Oh well you'll just be replaced by immigrants, that's what you deserve.
Men are more physical then women and I've heard about rough and tumble play being a huge part in how men are able to regulate their emotions and learn to better to control them. It's alien to me but men and women have different hormones in our systems and we think differently so it is fair to say that the types of play that is beneficial to us might also be different as well :)
Thank you both for this wonderful conversation. As a dad, I appreciate my role being spelled out and recognized. 😊
My father died when I was 12, and my life (despite not being poor - thanks to my mother) has been a rollercoaster ride since then. Eventually, things are settling as I am a father to three boys. However, even now I think about my father sometimes. Fathers are important for the kids - especially the boys.
Yes, glad you understand that and take it seriously as a father but it turns out that fathers are just as important for daughters for different reasons.
I’m divorced Dad. I’ve tried to spend the max amount of time, love, respect, effort, and resources on my son. I’ve lost sleep, weight, time with old friends and paid a lot of parking tickets to get the little dude to all the extra curricular activities. I’ve made new friends and see a side of society I’d never have seen. That’s all not as important as watching my boy grow into the good human he is. I’d repeat it all without a second thought. His Mother has also contributed countless hours of effort and Im so thankful to her for bringing him into this world.
Pro tip, sit around a fire with your kid whenever you can. I try to have a fire every night I have my son over, weather dependent of course.
Being a father has by far been the best part of my life. I wish it upon everyone.
The movie "Hook" was very influential on me growing up and I thought when my son was born that I would have a similar "happy thought" moment and that his rush of cathartic emotion would hit me but it didn't. He was just this pruny, hairy, ape larva but everything did change and I realized I was a dad.
The actions lead and the emotions follow as he developed and a personality sprouted. Your role as "dad" evolves after 3 months when the baby starts to do more than just sleep and eat all day. It truly is the best getting an unprompted hug from your kid.
My first child is 30, I still remember her as a baby, burrowing her face into my neck and clutching me with her arms
Absolutely
My husband was attached from the beginning.
He pretty much held the babies as soon as he got home. If the baby wasn’t nursing, he was holding him/her, awake or asleep.
Mine took MUCH less than 3 months. She slept quieter on me than with anything else. It became my job.
Special times.@@LuckysLair
As a dad of 4 and a grandad of 9, I really loved this talk. A scientific explanation and justification of things I known my all adult life. I was not give the chance immediately at birth, but I remember for each child, very soon after they were born (2 at home) having them lying on my chest and or right next to me on the bed. This was usually just after my wife had fed them as she was sorting herself out. I have pictures of me awake and even asleep, lying on the bed with a tiny baby looking at me intently, caught on camera by my wife when she came back into the room. Being had dad (grandfather) has been one of the single best experiences of my life.
Almost a decade ago, I remember my older brother told me about his sons being bullied in school and one of them suffering from anxiety, it makes sense to me now because he was always bullying me growing up, and I also never had a strong bond or intimacy with our father. When I suggested at the time that he should talk more and be closer to his sons, he mocked the idea, not realizing how his distant and cruel behavior harmed his children, and me.
Great interview and important message. Elements of our society may downplay the importance of fathers, but kids themselves will tell you the truth in their own way.
I have three young children - two daughters and a son. While they naturally adore mom, they lose their minds anytime I announce it is time for a “play battle” or a “pro-wrestling on the trampoline” session. I think they would actually choose rough-housing with dad over an entire bucket of candy.
"Elements of society" = feminism
Pro-wrestling on a trampoline xDDDDD yeah, that's a totally dad idea
She is right about male parent could most of one. Here in Brazil extended family is the traditional family, not exactly the nuclear family, so single mother is rising a lot, but the uncle as a father figure is very common. My niece has tourette, when she was kid me and my brothers helped her a lot to go out and play, we teach her to explain to other kid to don't be afraid when she "shakes" and not get offended when kids point out her shakes, 'cause eventually they will do that and most of then won't that with no bad intentions. This was very important to her understand and get confidence. Well now she is a 17 yrs old girl and she do very well, the tourette sympthons reduce a lot, an she has a pretty normal life.
I think discussing the importance of father's, long over due and desperately needed... Thank you for making this happen...
This was mind blowing and so reassuring! My parenting days are behind me (I'm in my mid sixties) and I most certainly didn't get thins completely right - far from it - but I felt my emotions change the moment our first child was born. I suddenly understood how much a father can panic and felt the overwhelming need to protect mother and baby. But I thought I was odd and strange because I had to discover this myself and so did my wife. When Dr. Machin spoke about the health visitor coming to see mum and baby while dad made the tea, I was saying the exact same words to my wife at the same time!!!! That was me! Men deserve to know all this and have access to the data so they understand the reason why humans have evolved the way we have.
This was inspirational and so so important.
Thank you Chris and thank you Dr. Machin.
I was married to a man for 32 years who didn't have a father or better said he had a father who was totally uninvolved in his life. He was a very good husband a good father, and a good provider. That being said, there were things he didn't know because he didn't have a father and it very much affected him. He had no model on being a man growing up. He struggled with depression and died of cancer at an early age. Was there a connection with his fatherless? Who knows, but I often thought there was.
This conversation was so moving and informative. My daughter adores her dad, and my husband adores our daughter. I can see how confident and happy she is with him and it's so important. I know that her self esteem and now and future interactions with males is going to be informed by her relationship with her dad. He is a good, strong, stoic and funny man. I look around our community and friends, and I see lots of men like him trying to do their best by their families. I think this is the rule tbh, but we are constantly being shown the exception of the deadbeat dad as though that is the whole truth. It's certainly not my experience or that of my friends and family.
Listening to this almost hurts my heart, just knowing how much suffering children have gone through because of a culture and legal system that systematically undermines men's relationships with their children. I already knew the enormous suffering of those fathers who have been alienated or made to feel like worthless, out-group drones of their own families; but this is a whole new layer.
I find it really interesting how fathers are often the forgotten ones in the family dynamic. One thing I really noticed is when a child passes away. All of the support and sympathy goes to the mother. People seem to forget that it also has an affect on the father. I've heard many fathers feel absolutely invisible in moments like that.
It's the mother that looks after the children
@@wyleecoyotee4252nope, fathers are more involved than ever. My husband does 50% of the work for our baby and is an amazing father. I wouldn't have had a child with a weak or ineffectual man. The issue is picking bad partners.
Yep. When our unborn son got a terminal diagnosis my husband got so many pamphlets on how to support me from the professionals. Lots of info on PPD symptoms for me. Thankfully Our friends and family were supportive of us both.
@@wyleecoyotee4252even if the father is the sole provider and the mother the primary caretaker of the child, why the hell would you think this minimizes the pain of the father of losing a child? Especially if he receives no support because all is going to the mother. Do you think that a man that works all day to provide for his family love his children less?
@@VitorHugoOliveiraSousa
Most fathers have little to no interaction with their children, especially in the traditional conservative marriage where each has 'roles'.
If women look after the kids during the marriage, why would that change with divorce??
Men don't particularly love their children. They just want progeny.
I agree that we need more support groups for new fathers.
We need more people raising males to be emotionally connected to other humans.
What support do they need?
@@sarahrobertson634maybe the support groups would help with that.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 More encouragement would be nice. Being told we're really really important for the children.
@@TheSteinin
Men have to be told all this?
So much for men thinking they are superior to women.
This podcast was fantastic. Im a 31 year old father of a 3 year old with another on the way. This podcast really unraveled and put into words so many of the feelings and changes I’ve felt in myself since becoming a Dad. So bloody accurate.
This kind of discussion is so important! As a father of two I always try to bring up this kind of conversations with other parents, but I found out that the first step to have that is to start to be honest with ourself and with each other. Most fathers hide their emotions towards parenthood probably due to social stigma.
Thank you so so much for finding this wonderful woman and showing her to the world and most important to me!
My own father set me and my siblings aside for the desires of his second wife. All our baby photos disappeared and were thrown out, and our relationship dissolved due to his dismissive attitude and mean spirited wife. Matt Walsh, though I don't agree with all of his takes, had a great assessment of divorced parents and their correct hierarchy of relationships: your kids take priority over your subsequent wife, because it's your own failings which causes you to even take a second wife. (Abuse aside, obviously) And it all made much more sense as to why, growing up and reflecting now as an adult, that the rejection of my father was an entirely damaging experience.
Not even with second wifes. The kids are older now, but still, a key part of my responsibility for my children is to protect them, if need be from their own mother. Children need grounding and safety - emotional safety - so they can go into the world with confidence and learn (make mistakes, get hurt, etc.).
Such a sad story to hear. I can't understand how some men allow themselves to be estranged from their children, usually it's a fracture in the relationship with their mother - too bad grown ups can't handle themselves to be decent persons
Yes, every child needs a dad, or at the very least, a dad like mentor.
Speaking from personal experience.
I was with my boy, four months old, when he said his first word. He asked for his "ball". Amazing.
My little brother became a Dad over covid and also went through a severe accident causing abit of a role reversal for him and his partner. My niece and him really bonded in a lot of the ways Anna described. He really has changed in the most positive ways as a direct result of fatherhood. To my niece, my brother is her hero and if she heard the way modern women talk about fathers she would cry. Thank you for your work Anna and for your caring words and insights, and Chris for connecting regular folk with experts. I love that there are voices out there besides my beautiful niece that are worth listening too
As someone who had the god-awful misfortune of being raised by a welfare-dependant single mother I cannot even begin to describe how fcuking terrible it is.
The fact that you're here, means that you're on the right track AND ahead of the curve...
Same here. I was easily several years behind in regard to learning life lessons and wisdom needed to achieve full potential. The only fuel I had to get out and succeed at all was the fact that I absolutely did not want that position for myself or my children. Motivation through a negative perspective is not ideal and unhealthy as fuck.
Why are you blaming your mother and not the absentee father?
@@glykera I'm not blaming anyone - I'm just telling it like it is.
cheers to all the good dads out there, I will never abandon my 4 kiddos! I got their back and they ALL damn Well know it. I tell my girls AND boys I love them every day, they have no doubt of that.
Thank you so much for this podcast!! So important. I pray you can spread the message.
I've just been diagnosed with autism at 26, male. Father wasn't around. Loved the podcast, found it fascinating to listen to and I think what you both do is so important. I was considering all that was said, and it occurred to me, how does all this apply to children and their parents in the context of autism/neurodivergence? I was very moved when Dr Machin said what she said at the end. All the success in the world to you both! And I have no doubt that your daughter will endure hardship...but she will endure and thrive.
I was in an inverted situation where my daughter's mum was not instinctively a good mum. She didn't like the work and complained often, which led me to pick up the slack, and I enjoyed every moment of it
Our daughter was always so happy when I would feed her that she wouldn't sleep. She'd just say open trying to make eye contact with me while I'd feed her and sing to her and we'd listen to music
Mum quit giving her baths complaining of back pain so I took over 100%
I used those moments to play with our daughter and teach her to read. Before she was 1 year old, she was already reading and today she has a love for books and music
I'm honored to have been able to have this sort of influence on my daughter's life and to have put so much attention into her before I had to separate from her mother.
Today our bond is still unbroken despite the cruel and relentless efforts of the mum to alienate our child from me.
Mom sounds like she dissociated with her child may have had postpartum depression and couldn’t stand her daughter
@@vanessaroper3028 the woman tried to abort the baby at 3 weeks (which would've been her 2nd in a year, to another man), then again in the 3rd trimester.
I wish I could blame this in post partum. The woman has severe problems that predate either my child or me
@@DavidBaronStevens in that case she sounds like a walking red flags to stay away from. She needs therapy
I agreed to almost everything she said except this: As a man who grew yo without my biological father, having had several stepfathers who weren’t invested due to the lack of biological connection, I can’t agree less on the importance of having a father, ideally being your BIOLOGICAL father, be it also for genetic mirroring and identity formation.
Yeah I found it strange how she downplayed that
I had a stepdad from when I was two, and he was the daily father figure for my entire life. He was deeply invested in me and my brother, to the point where strangers will point out our resemblance to each other, even though we are from totally different genetic stock (he's Swedish/northern European, and I am black/Jewish) because my mannerisms and way of speaking and carrying myself developed off of his influence. I think that even a non-biological father can be preferable if he is involved and invested from an early age.
That said, my biological father was also involved in my life and emotionally invested, so it's more like I had TWO fathers - maybe not the best comparison to what you're talking about.
@@mylesleggette7520There are certainly good step parents but having a non biological man living in the home increases the likelihood of children experiencing abuse by 35x. Children have a right to both biological parents raising them.
Absolutely right. Any random male role model is NOT the same as a father. My stepfather was a bit of an idiot but we were a different kind of family because his children lived with us, too. So, everything was negotiated and the children and adults had to develop a new vocabulary to describe how they felt about all the different relationships in our house. It wasn't perfect, but when my first marriage failed I knew that I wouldn't have another "live in" relationship with anyone who couldn't understand that.
@@utah20gflyer76 but they can't always have that! How can it be a right to force two parents to stay together when they might be literally killing each other? Better education about step-parenting would be one way forward. There are some nasty step-mothers around, too. And understanding that relationships don't always work out is another kind of resilience that children need to learn in order to deal with the real world.
I'm a father to a little son, and my wife and I remark all the time about how having him as our child is like having our hearts ripped apart every day, then sewn back together stronger than before. He's a really incredible kid, and being his father is the privilege of a lifetime. My confirmation name and patron saint is Joseph. I knew from a very early age that I wanted to be a father; and while not everything feels natural all the time, I know that it is what I was made to be. Drive, or calling, more than instinct, is the correct descriptor. The witless cultural commentators can say what they will - I know what I am about as a dad.
This interview is so very relevant to the modern issues we are experiencing at the moment.
Yes. Father excluded homes, at the behest of females, wielding the armed appendage of the state mechanism to force fathers out, force fathers to provide, whether or not they're allowed to be involved in their own children's lives, is damaging to everyone. The gold standard of behavior and instincts in the west in general is everything female, while everything masculine and male is viewed as something that must be unlearned and replaced with female behavior and ideas, it's not merely that fathers are viewed as not instinctive parents, it's that everything boy and men is viewed as wrong by default.
Its because civilization is sick with cancer.
As a man you have no rights only obligations, the children can be taken away from you at any time for any reason at the complete discretion of the mother. You will always be obliged to pay for a child and may still have to even if you can prove that genetically it is not yours. Male self-deletion in 40/50's when fathers have been removed from the home is very high. Men should be told this from an early age but society tells men it is dead-beat dads that are to blame.
@@step4018 Yes. And even though under English Common Law (almost all western countries) there is no debtor's prison, men are regularly imprisoned for being too poor to pay child support. 0% reproductive rights, 100% responsibility. This is not tenable.
This is the reason society is slowly crumbling
This episode definitely made feel super blessed to have my dad. He’s a great dad!
Lucky you...I often think a bad/ineffective father is worse than none...
Amazing content. One hour of great discussion on critical topic.
Regards from a father from Brazil
Thank you for teaching me about what dads bring to the family. Thank you for the empathy.
My mother had me out of wedlock and didn't make much attempt to keep my father around. She tends to think she did just fine, but I live in increasing agony from that gapping hole in my life, of not having a father. I also had my son out of wedlock, though I have done what I could to keep him in his life, forgoing child support for the agreement he would spend time with him. It has worked out...unideally but I think better than if I had not tried to keep him around. More ideally, we would have a society that still supports men and women raising children together. Our current system does not.
Agreed with the comment below--I think Dr. Peterson said it best "If your father rejects you, it is as if the spirit of civilization has left you outside of its walls" The anguish and humilation is almost unbearable much of the time.
I have several family members that refuse to marry or cohabitate because the system supports single mothers more than coupled parents.
You were lucky that the mother of your son allowed you to be involved in his life, many mothers would fight to keep you out. Hopefully you'll be the man in his life that your father wasn't.
interesting that women feel what men feel when their fathers were not present in their lives
@@-haclong2366 I am the mother, a woman natural born, and will remain the woman I am, ever-evolving.
Thank you so much for this discussion. I wish I had known this years ago, when I was still married and a young parent.
I myself loved being a father. I loved the weeks preparing for my daughter's birth (not that we knew at that stage whether my wife's baby would be a boy or a girl) and I thought the day she was born was the happiest and most important day of my life. I loved playing with her, and reading to her, and the 'rough and tumble', and so on. I would also have gladly had a larger family, maybe two or three children, although of course that was not my decision to make.
Sadly my marriage fell apart, and I take my share of the blame for it. There was no-one else involved, it's just that I seemed not to matter to my wife anymore, and I was lonely all the time; we just shared the house and the childcaring, and nothing else. I don't doubt I should have tried harder to stay in the marriage. As I say, there was no-one else involved in the split, it was my decision. I did what I could over the years to keep in touch with my daughter, never missed birthdays, was always trying to visit when I could, etc., but she decided some years ago that she wants no contact with me. I do not miss my wife at all, but the pain of separation from my daughter is with me always. I would urge any man not to make my mistake: if you can somehow keep your marriage together, in particular maintaining that bond with your child or children, just try to do so, with whatever help you can draw on. Please don't make my mistake. Fatherhood is too important, probably the most important thing you will do in your life.
Really great video, very interesting learning about evolutionary aspects of fatherhood. Will help stay focused with my 2 kids.
Do you need a father to raise a child? No.
Do you need a father to raise a decent, well adjusted human being? Together with a mother, absolutely.
Disagree, respectfully. If it’s a boy, only a father can turn him into a man. He will never be respectfully afraid of their mother when he is 13 years old, where as he damn sure will of his father.
So backtrack a little... Do you need a father to raise a child? Yes. That's all you need to say.
Sometimes fathers are not there by no fault of their own, for instance they passed away for some reason, but that child or children still needs a strong present male role model. An Uncle or Grandfather or maybe if those aren’t around then a close family friend but someone who can give that child or children what they need.
Actually you need a village in which there are multiple mother and father figures. The nuclear family has never really worked
@@gargantuangouda605 " That's all you need to say."
True, but it doesn't have the same poetic ring does it...
My wife loves our daughter more than anything, that's obvious, but it gets expressed differently than my love for her. She is super empathetic with her, and has trouble doing anything that will distress her. I look beyond her feelings to what's best for her.
If you don't start emotionally connecting with your child, you will lose your relationship with her.
@@sarahrobertson634Just this week, I got her up for school twice by pulling her blankets off and popping her out of bed, over her protests. My wife sits with her for five minutes and coaxes her awake. I'm not as inclined to humor a desire to snooze a little bit.
That's a pretty good microcosm of our approaches.
@@The430philosopherJust ignore Sarah up there. She's an obvious feminist who makes a lot of comments on these videos just being contrarian to men and their views/preferences/methods, etc.
@@The430philosopher You sound abusive.
It’s good that you are able to distinguish between “connecting emotionally” and “emotionally coddling and caving in” to your child. One results in a balanced child, the other in a child who believes her feelings control the adults in her life.
Many thanks for your amazing talk. Encouraging and a good reminder of the many things I'm proud to do with my son.
Do you realize if I had access to this information 29 years ago how much better prepared I would have been mentally and emotionally!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for getting this out I sent this to my 28 year old son and his wife who are planning to start having kids in the next couple years.
I hit the jackpot when I was born: I had a great father and mother who stayed together for 52 years (when my father died). I will make a single point observation based on my experience: I was 1000-times more balanced than either of my wives (Ex#1 with a cheating father and a bad family dynamic, Ex#2 with a completely absent father and a bad family dynamic). Fathers are important in raising good, balanced children. The stability of a long-lasting marriage is important in raising good, balanced children. My parents' faith/spirituality was also important in raising good, balanced children. You need all these things and more to become a good human being.
Just playing devil's advocate here, but one could argue that any man who chose to marry those two women is, at least to a degree, unbalanced and not well-adjusted. Maybe you could tell that story and substitute, "previous realtionships" for "wives."
To be clear, I totally agree with all of your assertions, but by making them in this specific way, you're leaving the door open for criticism and denial of them.
Also, begs the question of: what impact having such unbalanced mothers has had on your own children with them? As well as: whether you have been able to have the MPI (male parental involvement) that you deemed appropriate?
You do not need religiosity to be a good human. That is blatantly obvious from looking at the residents of the Scandinavian countries.
A son needs a father to protect him from toxic 3rd wave feminism.
@JamalW239 lol say that to the nazis, soviets, and Mao. Holocaust, gulag, and great leap forward. The greatest mass killings in human history 2 by explicitly atheist countries and 1 by a country trying to kill Christianity and replace it with state worship/mysticism.
The Scandinavian countries are not nations existing in the wild. They live off the pax Americana and US military protection both physical and in international trade. It's like bragging about how tough your hamster is because it survives well in a cage.
That massive amount of peace and affluence the US brings shields them from the war and chaos that Europe is naturally. Such conflict breeds religiosity, you see it explicitly in the middle east where very unforgiving limited resources and tons of war = hard-core religiosity.
I honestly wish my father had been less involved. He played a huge part in causing his children’s insecurities and self loathing and that affected all of us in our own ways. His toxic & alienating behaviour affected me and my siblings differently, some became more anxious and depressed, whilst the others became angrier or detached. He was a nightmare and now none of us have a relationship with him, but thankfully we still have our mother. She really saved us and I couldn’t be more grateful. The point being that not every person should be a parent and so more men should really think about the realistic elements of being a father, the emotional investment they are willing to make and not just the financial, the sacrifices involved and more importantly showing and expressing unconditional love and support.
I think because this is sadly so common it makes these conversations difficult. The difference between lack of a father vs good father vs awful father are complex. Awful father is like lack of a father combined with added trauma. I had a wonderful father but an awful mother and I know I would've been better off raised by my dad as a single father. But if I didn't experience firsthand the abuse and trauma my mother inflicted and instead just had a hole where a mother is supposed to be, I would have always been curious and longing for this added part of my identity that a mother provides. That either parent does. Understanding where we came from genetically is important so that even donor conceived and adopted children who have two parents still wonder about their unknown biological parent
@@pcap8810 Yeah I don’t believe in holding someone else accountable for a person’s actions, he was 100% to blame for his own behaviour and so I will never blame my mother for that, he’s a grown man, however I will definitely credit your point about therapy and him not choosing to be better for his children.
@@pcap8810 Sure they do, but that is your situation, it doesn’t apply to me. My mother chose someone who she thought was reliable and financially secure because that’s what she was taught to look for, so why should she be blamed when he turned out to be a selfish, abusive and insecure bully? That’s ridiculous.
@@pcap8810 Feel free to blame yours if it makes you feel better, but I don’t plan on shifting the blame off of my father, allowing him to get off scot-free for his vile behavior. That would be a disservice to my childhood trauma and general experience. Also you’re victim blaming right now, I bet it’s mine and my siblings fault for also being born too right?
@@pcap8810 It’s not like she could leave, she was financially dependent on him, was an immigrant, had no family & was a victim of his abuse & yet still miraculously was able to raise us with unconditional love and compassion. Not everyone is privileged enough to be able to leave toxic relationships, some people are barely struggling to survive.
This is a fantastic video and it helped clear up some thoughts I have had on being a father. Thank you!
You are the source I hear this message first time from. Good Sent. Thank you very much. I have a son 14 years old. This podcast explains me a lot, my feelings for his birth and all the journey till now. As monumental message als J. Peterson's four my strength and guidance in the future.
Amazing people who no one ever heard of giving amazing talks were why this channel is what it is today. Please do more people like Dr Anna Machin. Cheers, Chris.
My father left the family when I was 7. I am now 31. There is absolutely *no* doubt in my mind that fathers are necessary for successful development of boys in becoming men.
Finding my way as a man; discovering what it actually means to be a man, without that male role model and teacher, has been rather difficult. Luckily I had an amazing mother who attempted to play both roles as best she could... But I missed out on a lot and I absolutely struggle to form decent relationships with other men.
Also, it sounds silly, but they know. Other men who were raised with fathers know I'm not like them, and they struggle to understand me on some level... I have to work very hard to relate in any meaningful way with other men, which I understand is already not an easy task in itself. I have virtually 0 real friends.
I'm grateful for podcasts like these, and other sources of male role models I've found online.
I wouldn't believe everything you see, most men never have any meaningful real relationships with other men. Men are not wired that way. You are perfectly normal, struggling to find meaning with other men. Women struggle to have meaning with men too. Men are naturally not chatty or care about how each other feels like women do. In war men bond very much....and maybe if you are brothers love may be there but in regular life I have never seen men really care about each other in all my years and I am well in my 50's now. I think men are afraid to be vulnerable maybe they think it is weak and felt they had to be cold and strong all the time. Messes with a man's mind father there or not life will ingrain that into them.
You are correct, I actually put some effort into spending time with a few of my associates because they are men who didn't grow up with a father and it shows. It's strange to have to help shape men who are older than me, but it is what it is, and societies need fathers to exist long term, helping them helps their children and the society around them.
@@tracysprenger8622 I think the point is, not that men aren't open, but the ability to form bonds with other men is something we learn from our fathers, and if we're not given this opportunity to mimic and see, then we usually don't fully create these bonds. My father passed away when I was about 12, and leading up to that we kind of lost connection, mostly was raised by mother and grandmother. Now I'm in my 40's and I can assure you that, compared to my other friends that did grow up with their fathers, I'm really struggling to create these male/male relationships and bonds, it's like we're the same, but not really and that miniscule "not really" is a gatekeeper to form strong bonds, as we mutually not fully understand each other in a way that men raised by fathers do. Like the example she provided - father bringing his son to the market, club etc and letting him observe how social connections are being made, if one is void of observing this trait while young, then growing up it is substituted with "learning to imitate" instead of this being more natural and effortless, and that imitation pretty much never goes away. It has nothing to do with men being less chatty and less open, it's a very weird nuance that I'm still battling and have to say, just will have to live with, even rationally knowing this, it's hard to alter it in an organic way, it's always work.
New fathers - don't be di*ks, stay in your children life, once that seed grows, the life and world is not about solely you anymore. Take responsibility and leave a lasting legacy that might change the world for the good. Your atoms will thank you for that.
I have a 1 year old, and so much of what she said about the build up to the baby being born and the 6 month period after were spot on for me. I felt like I didn’t have a bond like mom; sometimes I felt like my daughter didn’t even like me, and all of that went away once we could start doing things together. Brilliant chat; thank you
This is the best talk I've heard as a parent ever. Everything resonates and is affirming.
I have a friend who is an older gentleman with a great sense of humor and very outspoken. Last mothers day as we were leaving the store we were shopping at, he said out loud "I want to wish all the men a happy mothers day without us they wouldnt be mothers" 😁
Truth through comedy, yup. Men have to become like mothers to prove they can 'parent', & then they can BE fathers & give the indispensable fathering element in a child's ego formation.
You've got Father's Day, though. Why the need to make everything about yourselves?
I'm blown away by what this Dr had to say and I so wish I had seen this video when I was pregnant last year to provide better support for my husband.
Em, your husband is presumably a competent adult himself. It's not your responsibility to prepare him for fatherhood. Expectant fathers simply need to inform and prepare themselves the way expectant mothers do.
Thank you for this illuminating conversation. I take subjects like these to the classroom, when the students and I are talking about ethics and developmental psychology.
Thank you for this talk and the work you’re doing.
I’m 63 and female. The attitude that there are only so many seats at the table comes from feminism. I’ve seen it spread to politics, race relations, even if a community puts Christmas lights up on public property. It is not necessary to put down a group to raise up another group. The table can be expanded to fit all the seats required. Logically women should be thrilled that men want to be fathers - (my primary focus in choosing my husband) but instead some are complaining? Ludicrous. But upon further reflection those women have been trained that the table only comes in one size. This really hit home for me woth the Christmas lights ban. Why didn’t other religions just put up their displays at the appropriate time for their significant holidays? I’m the US lights and even the term Christmas had been banned even in communities that are 95%+ Christian. A simplified example I know BUT one that can be used to see the same thing in many areas of conflict. Really enjoyed the discussion and appreciate the topic very much. ❤
As a new dad with a 4 month old, I wish I saw this before the birth. Thank you for this
Mazel Tov ! Wishing you all the best ❤
@@Tamar-sz8ox thank you ❤️
Plenty of time brother. The best way you can be there for your babe in the first year, is to actually just be there for your wife! Dads role becomes so much more fun after the first year. It’s not that they aren’t crucial in the beginning - it’s just that there’s not much, practically speaking they can do with the baby. Especially a BF baby. You can change nappies and help with bathing etc. of course.
But now that we’ve had our second; my husband and our 3yo daughter are practically joined at the hip. It’s so incredibly beautiful. I don’t know where we’d be without him. He’s amazing.
Anyway - all that to say, four months is a blip in the sea. As a mother, it took me a good couple of months to truly bond with my babies. It’s harder on the dads in that sense I think. I think it’s tough on dads because they don’t feel like there’s any practical way of helping….. so much of the burden of responsibility falls to mum by virtue of her anatomy! But just fetching water, offering support and verbal encouragement to your wife, and cuddling baby so she can sleep and shower is all she probably needs. My husband didn’t really start to connect with our kids till 6-12months. That’s not to say he didn’t love them….. but they’re just these weird, needy little creatures for the first little while haha now, he has his own precious relationships with each of them individually at 11mths and 3yo.
Good luck ❤
@@meghan8020 that's an incredibly thoughtful reply. I appreciate you taking the time to share your and your husbands experience. I really relate to the burden of mum's responsibility coming from anatomy. I really wanted to share the burden 50/50 but you just can't. I felt so guilty that I couldn't and started to overcompensate with everything else non-baby related. Thank you ❤️
That last point you made about how the hospital and doctors treated fathers is exactly how my wife and i experienced it when our son was born they acted like i wasnt there even though my wife had a rough recovery from the birth. She was disgusted by their behavior how they didnt act like i was even there, or walk right past me to discuss something with her.
My son was born with a c-section so the "golden hour" was mostly taken up by me. I had him on my chest for a good 30+ minutes and that changed me forever. When they wheeled my wife in I gave my son to her of course but if I hadn't had the possibility to hold him like that I think I would have missed out on something magical. I still well up with tears if I think about that moment for too long (like now) 😅
This is the most important episode of this pod you've done. The future is for fathers, if we are going to have one.
Here's the scientific literature/studies on the subject:
"Family structure and the lack of paternal involvement are predictive of juvenile delinquency. The more opportunities a child has to interact with his or her biological father, the less likely he or she is to commit a crime or have contact with the juvenile justice system (Coley and Medeiros, 2007). Youths who never had a father living with them have the highest incarceration rates (Hill, O’Neill, 1993), while youths in father-only households display no difference in the rate of incarceration from that of children coming from two-parent households (Harper and McLanahan, 2004). In a study of female inmates, more than half came from a father-absent home (Snell, Tracy, & Morton, 1991). The absence of a father in a child’s life may also increase the odds of his or her associating with delinquent peers (Steinberg, 1987). In addition, children who come from father-absent homes are at a greater risk for using illicit substances at a younger age (Bronte-Tinkew, Jacinta, Moore, Capps, & Zaff, 2004)."
Nailed it.
@@josephshepard2962 Father involvement increases all these risks if he's a bad father. The real issue is that it takes a village to raise a child. A father is not enough, by a long shot.
Thanks for summarizing those supporting studies. The only thing I disagree with her on, is her position on surrogate father figures. There is simply no substitute for the bond of a child with their biological father, I’m not sure if she meant to leave the impression that a biological/surrogate father relationship will lead to equal outcomes, but the studies are very clear in showing the outcomes to be quite different; with the biological relationship having the most significant positive effects.
@@sarahrobertson634 The scientific data referenced above aggregates society-wide across all fathers, those who are good and bad. Obviously, things might get even better if 'bad dads' were improved, just as it would be if 'bad mothers' were better. Stating the obvious leads to the question 'So what'? If your answer is 'it takes a village'....then yes, people cannot function socially without society. The village is wider society beyond the parental locus. I'm looking for something informative in your post and can't find it.
@@dharmadasa66 The statement above references a lack of paternal involvement. So obviously the data was not gathered from any dads, it was gathered in their absence.
I wish I knew about importance of physical contact when my daughter was a toddler. Thank you for the fascinating conversation!
Best podcast ever Chris! As a single dad my mind is blown listening to this amazing woman.
@Chris Williamson, I'm older, a 57 year old women who is around a lot of guys your age, and I'm seeing something in your age group. And it has to do with extremes. Men seem to have this perfectionist thing of wanting and expecting to be the very best at everything they deem important - and if they are not and can't even come close to their extreme perfectionistic expectations, they become apathetic and give up. What is wrong with being an ordinary, good man who isn't at the extreme (and lonely) end side of the spectrum? I've listened to a few of your podcasts and I get this sense from you too. "alphas", "chads" "hanging out with millionaires and billionaires" etc. Do you think any of the cultural collective neuroticism, depression, and anxiety and all the rest is self inflicted by not having realistic expectations? This goes for women too, not just men, but this cultural affliction seems to be hitting young men pretty hard and they are having a lot of trouble navigating it. It's so deep that its embedded in the daily framework within language. Is it a cultural reaction to being raised by slacker gen X parents who turned their kids into peers, and who reacted against the ethos of older boomers?
I've had a philosophy that has served me well in life, and some might call it settling but I think if I get 80% of what I want in any situation that's pretty good and attainable, and feels good and satisfying. I think when young there is this assumption that I won't feel content unless I climb to the very top of the highest mountain, when a lot of times, all is required is a 2 hour hike in nature 2 times a week. Will any man fit 100% of any women's fantasies of what a perfect partner is, no, that doesn't exist. But there are a lot of men and women that will live wonderful lives if they can find peace in getting 80% of their needs met. Same for jobs, same for homes, weather, one's own body, friendships, goals in playing sports, playing instruments, etc. What is going on in the world right now that everything has to either be grandiose vs. giving up, and that people are not comfortable accepting themselves and their limitations while putting impossible expectations on themselves and those around them. Where is the gratitude, play, and simple joys? is it that they are bored too quickly without constant forms of escapism and entertainment, screens? If so, that's a kind of slave, dependency trap.
By the way I was raised by a single, alcoholic young mother, and found father figures all around me, with neighbors, friends dads, teachers, high school jobs, books, etc. Kids are more resilient than are given credit.
Good analogy with the weddings @@AurumEtAes My middle class niece wanted to have a destination wedding in the South of France. It would have cost me about 10,000 dollars to go, from airplane tickets, hotels, passports, missing work, wedding attire, gifts, etc. I said I wasn't going and my family came crashing down on me, and guess what - 2 months before the wedding, she cancelled it and moved back to the US, just to immediately start dating a river raft guide. Everyone who bought tickets, hotels, bridesmaids dresses etc. had to eat the expense. They didn't even offer to pay anyone back. Her wedding was supposed to be this past July, now she's already scheming to get an older aunt to buy her a house so she can live with the new river raft guide. Oh, and she's never worked a day in her life. All work is beneath her.
As a mum of 2 young girls, I question parenting decisions I make on a daily basis,- should I have handled that differently? Did I play with them enough today? Did they eat well enough etc. About the only thing I have never doubted is the father I chose for them.
Watching him be a Dad is just a whole new level of love.
Also, how I have made it to 33 and never heard the term 'post natal depression' in relation to men is shocking. Great episode, absolutely needed.
God I so relate to this. I frequently breathe a sigh of bloody relief when my husband walks in the door in the evening. He keeps me so grounded, and provides a tangible sense of stability, peace and clarity to our household. I can be chaotic and unmoored at times - a baby and toddler at home is so difficult sometimes. I’m always second guessing myself - it’s exhausting. I love the presence he brings. Where would we be without good men!
@@meghan8020I really think this is what people talk about when they men husbands and fathers are the leaders. They are the ones who ground women. It’s not the chauvinistic men are in charge dynamic. They are leading by grounding women. My hubby does this for me, too.
@@agricolaregsIt is chauvinistic and dumb. Good partners ground and support one another, irrespective of sex.
Dr. Machin is spot on. I experienced all of these stressors raising my children.
Very enlightening. Thankyou Anna.
I particularly enjoyed the purpose of fathers.
It helped me understand my own father's effort, which has laid to rest some history for me.
I agree with Anna, it would be great if the world understood this. However it seems to me as a son and father myself; that actions are made naturally by fathers without scientific prompting.
That said misunderstanding of a father's actions within a family can cause a lot of grief, so broader knowledge can only aid and clarify.
This is definitely so in my own case.
Cheers Chris