Narcissist’s Never Give, Always Take Delusion: Effort-Reward Imbalance, Overcommitment (Conference)
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- čas přidán 25. 10. 2023
- Narcissists give little in their relationships because they overvalue their inputs and experience an effort-reward imbalance. Their victims, on the other hand, frequently overcommit.
Video Presentation to the 24th World Congress on Psychology and Behavioral Science, Toronto, March 2024
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My vocabulary expands with every Vaknin video. So many great words.
Your words about the deteriorating mental and physical health of the narcissistic partner is the single most motivational concept that will motivate me to escape my toxic marriage.
"Way to go women!" This is just about the funniest thing I'll come across today, surely this I know.
I 100% agree. 😂
Clinically and experientially 💯 % accurate!
He's got a little extra spunk going on 😅 .... 🤔 spill it... Self supporting, super special affirmations today?🥰 🌼👍
Profesor Vaknin, you know me so well. Thank you for this presentation, possibly the best of all of your videos. Yes, I am in a hopeless trap as a partner of a covert passive aggressive husband. My body tells me so, but a chances for me to liberate myself are small. My health is the casualty. Best regards and love to travelers on the path of healing.❤
I needed this today😂❤
Truth bombshell, they are takers for sure.
OMG, you just described my current situation. 😢 walking away is a choice, but a damn hard one...
Very hard! I just did it. Few hours since i left
I hope you got away. I escaped after 14 years and every day further away is better ❤
Professor Vaknin, your videos & books have saved my sanity and my life. Like so many others who finally found you after living for years, indeed DECADES, wondering why our efforts and love were never reciporcated by our narcissistic partners, your lucid explanations of these deep dynamics have been cool water, fresh air, and validation. Unfortunately, these seriously enlightening lessons have come too late to salvage many of our lives (I suspect) -- I am in my 50th year of marriage with a covert narcissist who has shredded my self-esteem, created flying monkeys of my children, isolated me from my family, and made daily life nearly unbearable. I am so grateful for your work, your fearless analyses, and your personal & scholarly investment to this field. THANK YOU!! I may be hanging by a thread, but your videos keep providing hope and a way forward.
Thanks for your kindness - you are right, of course. It does take work & time to heal.
@@RebeccaJane-yb1uwI am in the same boat with you. Waited until my youngest kid reaches 20 then I made an exit from the marriage of 27 years. Thank God I found prof. Vaknin 10 years ago and figured out my husband is a typical narc and made sense why I was so unhappy and we fought so often. So happy now that he is out of my life.
I have been watching Sam for less than a year… learned so much more than I did in marriage therapy with 6 different counselors in 47 years of married life. Feeling fragile and exhausted but still have a ray of hope. No longer self gaslighting for survival, I know I want to liberate myself but don’t know if I have a body for it. I am in the middle of pursuing medical diagnosis of my heart condition. Appreciate all comments. Best wishes to fellow travelers ❤
After seeing 6 counsellors, Sam has confirmed what you knew deep down all along. Your mental health (feeling fragile & exhausted) affects your physical health. I’m in your same situation ( married 45 years) and am planning my exit. Keep your faith strong and know that you are being guided and you are protected…a beloved child of our Heavenly Father. Honour his name by living out your Divine Purpose with gratitude. Your energy and time are precious. Share it with those who are grateful for you and that reciprocate your love. We are empathic beings and healers. It’s time to give back your love & energy to you by serving your highest good. God and the Divine have your back. Take your power back, stand tall, take charge and move forward. You can do this…you are the navigator of your life🙏🔥🫶
@@gorunsko31God always grants safe passage to the faithful. You will make it through, friend. 🙏
I frequently told my narc I wanted a divorce and I wanted to be free of him, he refused to leave and would always say me he’d destroy me. I didn’t want him around me and desperately want him to go as he was in my home and had his own. He didn’t leave until the police made him. I’m so happy I’m free off him.
Lucky you it’s not always that easy from what I hear…. File for divorce and run
"The less that you give, you're a taker."
My husband had a huge ego, in his mind he was a G.O.A.T! God’s gift to every woman. The world owed him. Ridiculous! He most certainly “downgraded” with a homely older woman. On my worst day….uh, no. So glad he is gone, so glad that we are safe and working on our sanity. Thank you Dr. Vaknin, you’ve been a HUGE help to me in getting the hell out of this mental circus
I gave and gave.
He took and took.
This went on and on over 4 years.
I knew this situation was affecting my mental health and his passive aggression was causing myself to be slightly passive aggressive.
It's over now. I never wish to experience this kind of 'situationship' again.
Thankfully providence and myself got rid of him.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like having your foot on the gas pedal in neutral, youre not going anywhere. Ouuufff those words stung... but that is exactly how i feel about my relationships with my narcissistic father and ex.
High cost - low reward, absolutely. That is normal when parents were narcissistic and borderline. I don’t even know what reciprocity would feel like. I’m free of the narc but what’s after him? Being single by choice, maybe forever.
Sam, you are magnificent. You saved my childrens life and mine. He hid everything so well. He hurt our little kids, and I would have still been losing my business, gaslight into Timbuktu and an anxious wreck on permanent eggshells, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
I love you Sam. Until i found these videos I truly thought EVERYTHING good about me was wrong.
The sky was green, and my response to even the most devastating devaluation, abuse or horror, was always an over reaction.
His flying monkeys are still going strong however.
I still cant understand how he could put on such a show for so long. He is useless, lazy and borrows intellect by way of repetiton, with no contextual understanding.
You are a genius Sam. The man I was with was just useless. Very pretty, very pathetic.
I forgot to say thank you ❤
Many thanks Prof Sam. Your work is so enlightening. It makes these very disturbing patterns of the NARC crystal clear but actually more and more alarming. The more clarity is exposed the more this hurtful and horrific syndrome becomes so vividly invasive. .
I understood early in my relationship that it was totally and utterly transactional, despite seeing it for what I knew it to be, I carried on... I'm still here in it and that's on me, I take full responsibility for being too weak to break free.
if you cant leave for your own sake... close your eyes and imagine yourself as a little kid. Give this child the love it deserves. It does get better. no contact. good luck. 10 year slave, 1 year free here
I can completely relate. I knew immediately but chose to ignore 😢
I am out now though. You can do it 💪
I hope you can leave some day. Sending love ❤
Did I just have a one on one session!? Saved for rewatch. Lots of ‘home truths’ told clearly. Many thanks
The comment section took my breath away, I am dumbfounded by how so many can have the exact same experience
Mark 5:8 For he said unto him, Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit.
Mark 5:9 And he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
One spirit in different bodies creating the same experience for multitudes of people. Once you figure this out, you recognize the spirit regardless of the shell.
This is so enlightening and on point. Describes my 30 year relationship with an NPD and most definitely explains his delusional demands in our divorce
WOW! Unbelievable dissection of "effort-Reward imbalance, and overcommitment". I once was blind, but now I see! Sadly I was mistaken by using over commitment far too long; zero returns on my investment. The level of exhaustion and depletion has been unconscionably detrimental all around. Yet, the relationship only continued to become more dangerously volatile. On October 4th I just walked away after 5yrs of her savage insanity. I was in my late 40's when I met this toxic individual. Lost years I will never see again. Profesor, thank you for your true commitment to helping people like me. Wishing you good health always!
Your use of language is delightful and beautiful. You're a brilliant orator. Thank you so much for all your work on CZcams.
Thank you for the dedication put towards making these daily, Professor. It is so helpful for so many.
Truer words has never been spoken.
Your insights and ability to communicate are truly remarkable. Delightful to listen.
I've watched innumerable videos of yours.
This, however, is the one that created a watershed moment in my personal history with my current relationship with a narcissist.
The idea of the relationship contract made everything so egregiously, undeniably clear.
I can't thank you enough for the Rubicon I have crossed as a result, and for the long-hoped-for incipient freedom-work it has precipitated.
An absolute eye opener ❤thanks bunch prof. Sam. My ex would always sink in an eternal ocean of emptiness if there was some inconvenience in his work space where things didn't go as he earlier expected and i never saw him cherishing my presence in his life. He always got furious on me for asking some quality times for us because he was too busy managing his professional life and had no room for personal affairs. He would always call me an unsupportive ungrateful girlfriend for asking for the bare minimum which he hardly offered in the relationship. I had to be there for him all the time and if due to my work load i somehow missed his call he would through temper tantrums but if i ask him why he didn't pick up my call he would call me selfish girlfriend who has failed in supporting her partner.
I feel so relieved after watching this video. Because I always considered myself to be the one who was crazy, immature, selfish and unsupportive which obviously are impositions of my ex. Now when I look back to the relationship I just wonder why was I serving an adult as if I was his caretaker because I was always the giver. During the later part of our relationship i became vulnerable and my repressed frustration made me lash out on him many times. Also I was called the abuser for getting angry and lashing out on such a naive and selfless person like my narcissist ex. I am finally out of that hell but the impact of those psychological abuse are still present. I have no connection with who I used to be before the relationship. Scrolling through my old pics in the gallery feels like I have become an alien to myself because I honestly have no idea how was life before entering into this hell. I am trying my best to heal. And I hope with time I will recover.
Every Video Breaks my Heart even more. Love the torture series with Sam, Minnie and the minute Details of my f'd upbringing....
The best lecture yet. Thank you. I have learned so much not only about my partner but also about myself.
You are talking about my life. Brilliant.
Thank You, Professor Vaknin! AMAZING video!
Outstanding talk
priceless work, thank you, mr vaknin.
Exactly what I lived with my past 3 relationships over 15 years. The last on lasted 4 years. before I became suicidal now I am overcoming. They destroy your soul to the core. But all Is well now.
Spot on! Ive been listening to you off and on for 2 years now. I now fully see where and how I placed myself in such a relationship as well. I thank you for explaining and educating us all. Moving forward with forgiveness and completely letting go has been such a journey. But it is happening. Again, I thank you 😊
Thanks Pro. SAM they only take and dont help❤🎉
I believe I am so lucky. My major childhood trauma was not inflicted on me by a ny human, it offset the "mild" trauma from my mother, which was unintended and ignorant. So I was forged a little harshly, but also blessed in a way, because I hope I still haven't partitioned my soul the way my best friend seems to have done to himself. Sam, your broadcast here is excactly what my friend experiences.
I really needed this. Thank you Sam ❤️
Sam your work is so eye opening and helpful.. but I am commenting to let you know, your sense of humor is hilarious
This is dead on in my experience.
This is so spot on in my experience.
Thank you for breaking it down so i really understand now. You can not uneducate yourself ❤
Just a couple days NC after 5 months long ¿relationship lol
Understanding is what is giving me strength.
Forever grateful 🙏
I should add that i had almost convinced myself i was the with NPD. Not to say im not sick too, that would be a lie.
Good talk Sam!
Oh wow! This stuff is so true and the essence of the relationship with a narcissist (mine being a covert narcissist). Thank you for the clarity of it all.
brilliantly describes the situation going on my job … 😢
So true!
Prof. Vaknin another great video. Bravo! Nailed it 100%
Half of the narcissist women, which means wife, mothers
Love you Mr. Vaknin !
"relationships are not ectoplasm" - Sam. Put that ish on a T-shirt LOL love the way he puts things sometimes !
I'm very thankful for your videos.
Thank you for this enlightening video.
Thank you
Brillant lecture
Thank you very much, Sam! Very helpful and enlightning! One of your best videos so far and from my perspective the best answer to the question what motivates to codependent behaviour and stockholm syndrome.
Prof you are really saving lives, thank you for everything.
I learn alot of interesting information Thank you so much Dear Doctor Sam ❤
Great!
I can see now why and when my husband had to give up on his past relationship with his ex-wife.
He had given her everything. He fulfilled all her dreams, yet he was still not enough, and he was told he should have been trying harder.
He once commented that he just gave up and did not keep the sparkle and shine within the relationship.
From this, I see why he did that (he felt like such a bad person though)
There is only so much glitter and sparkles you can put on a turd; at the end of the day it's still a turd
You deserve , only you!!
I agree so much.
Love you humour 😂❤
Exactly what my ex was. He was selfish to the core
I would love to restrain my bro / employee of 22many years, A Clockwork Orange style ( eye drop assistant, natch ) and have this video on a loop, indefinitely …
How cam you be so genius personality!?
Mine never gives or reciprocates-he did during the love bombing phase. He’s gotten more sadistic with time. I have long suspected that I have BPD or some form of it…I don’t cheat or drink or do drugs though or gamble. Food and shopping and hoarding….
Thank you again dear Prof. Vaknin! I want to share with all of you a quite pittoresque story that I experienced. I was in a relationship with a Narcissist some years ago. One day, after about a year of immense, intense merging of angels, it happened to be my birthday. He got a present for me. He was overly thrilled to hand it to me. It was a loose pile of printed paper with a ribbon. I was a bit puzzled. He said: open it, open it, like a little child. I opened it and it was a print out of all my love notes and letters I wrote to him through whatsapp, skype, facebook and even some photographies of love notes I would stick into his lunch bag.
I replied: this is weird, why would you print that? why didn't you print your messages that you wrote to me? He explained with elation: Won't it be amazing when you are alone in a retirement home and you can endulge in all the glory you brought upon a man? (yes he said glory)
I was still confused and asked: wouldn't it make more sense that I read from lovers how much I was loved?
He lashed out in rage, calling me an ungrateful slut and that his ex was the same bitch when he made her that exact same gift.
When I got out of the relationship it took me quite hard work, it still is work, to come to understand that this poor man really does not perceive a you, and that the adoration both ways was a fairy tale that I fed, and that I too willingly gave up on perceiving two separate individuals.
Wow this is an amazing example of how differently their minds work, and even trying it a second time after a poor response the first time! So unfortunate the fairy tale fantasy is so appealing in the beginning, with the terrible end being inevitable.
My ex saved ALL love notes from his ex partners. Sad.
My ex narc gives me money and gifts if i am nice to him. Say the smallest, insignificant compliment,.anything...he 'pays' for it 😂. Its so he feels he doesn't owe me and he in turn feels powerful when he gifts me.
Psychology lectures are the epitome of sensitive subjects. I'm wondering how do you engage with the students. How do you channel disagreement or students that you dislike.
Mine stopped working 25 yrs ago...But always refers to himself as Gifted Genius...I mean he boasted everyday😮
How about someone who always gives and refuses to take, but then they use that to justify their abuse/control while painting themselves as a martyr.
Serach this channel for "giver".
@@samvaknin Ok. Thanks.
Every video that hits home, like this one, makes me wanna puke 🤢
Way to go hahaha :)
If you get this lecture, you know youve been a MEATSUIT
he's still funny.
Professor, could you shed some light on why my husband kept swearing that I had been cheating since we got together. I think if he truly believed that he would have not bothered driving me to insanity, but he would leave me for months at a time and go to his mothers because he said I was cheating. I seriously now wish I would have so that I could have actually been the whore that he claims I am.
Search the playlists.,
*othello syndrome*
Projection
love the jokes
Dear sam this is soo insightfull.I work for a narc and its led me to financial struggle instability.Of course im a codep and say its ok but id admit my job is a dead end.I sacrifice myself for a unknown thing.I give more when i have nothing.Abuse is currency.Abuse validates my status.I thought breadcrumbs were a normal diet.I thought gaslighting was someone caring.
Narcissists do not gaslight.
23:26 and onwards about three minutes is essential, this was an eye opener for me. Exactly on point!
Emotionally communication always ends up being negative? 🫨😵💫