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Fearful Avoidant Paradox: Uncovering The Shift From Hypersexual To Super Prude | HealingFa.com
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- čas přidán 15. 08. 2024
- Explore the fascinating shift from hypersexual to super prude within the fearful avoidant attachment style. Delve into the complexities of this emotional rollercoaster and gain insight into the underlying reasons behind these intimacy swings. Learn more about this paradox and how to navigate it!
Sign up for the FREE 3-day course: The Basics of Healing the Fearful Avoidant attachment style at www.healingfa.com
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-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
01:52 The partner & the emotional (un)availability
04:52 Sex can become that weapon/the way off getting the attention you craved for as a child
06:26 Sex can feel as a risk for rejection and abandonment in a healthy & committed relationship
07:28 The image of the gender role model in society
09:34 Sex is one of the most beautiful and intense ways to connect, and you can be afraid of that connection
10:29 It could be that you feel bored because you’re not able to follow the connection
Video Title: Fearful Avoidant Paradox: Uncovering The Shift From Hypersexual To Super Prude | HealingFa.com
This video is the about Fearful Avoidant Paradox: Uncovering The Shift From Hypersexual To Super Prude. But It also covers the following topics:
Fearful Avoidant Sexuality
Hypersexual To Prude Shift
Attachment Style And Intimacy
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✅ About Paulien Timmer - Healing the fearful-avoidant.
The way you feel right now is not the way you are. If you want more freedom, calm, love, and peace in your head, body, and life, it is possible. You are not too broken.
After spending 14 years healing the fearful avoidant attachment style, I am beyond passionate and dedicated to getting you to where I am now: living a life true to myself, waking up feeling rested and peaceful. Deeply in love with my husband and looking forward to the future. This is what life is supposed to be like, and it is my honor to help you get there.
In the past 7 years, I have guided over 2000 people through my Dutch programs (I am from the Netherlands), to a secure attachment and happy relationship. Over the past year and a half, another 150 beautiful people have been through the English program Healed&Happy. I love seeing how lives can change within three months, and how NORMAL it can feel to have a secure attachment. I wish you so much joy, pleasure, and love.
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#fearfulavoidant #hypersexual #superprude #attachmentstyles #intimacyissues #relationshipdynamics
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© Paulien Timmer - Healing the fearful-avoidant
12:23 "sometimes it's easier and safer to want something and not have it than to actually have something" yes that applies to so many things were connection and vulnerability is required
4:10 "when connection isn't available, you turn to attention". True.
Absolutely, my ex FA was a giant red flag on instagram. Selfies and selfie stories on instagram while saying that she "gives all of herself" to me. The breakup was as usual for an FA, a complete rug pull. "no connection" was the reason.
Just a thought, it could maybe be that boundary setting and learning how to do it might play a role. I always thought (as a man) that I had to say yes to all sex because I was in a long term relationship where it was scarce. FA led me to have terrible boundaries around it after leaving that relationship and dating. Now I am setting boundaries in my current relationship just by letting her know if I am not in the mood…which makes me afraid, like I will lose my partner. We have a great connection during sex and I get afraid of losing it or that my relationship is just about sex, which triggers that analytical hell about the rightness of the relationship.
My husband and I watched this together. It helped so much! He helped assuage my fears and reassured me. He says thank you!
Ok that's my take on the issue.
Before I start. 35yo gay man here.
So the analysis of hypersexuality at the beginning is accurate, well done.
About the other parts, I didn't find myself there so I'll put here my experience.
For me, deep connection lessening my sexual drive, and it well known in literature that this is a common phenomenon across all long term relationships.
being deeply intimate with a partenr makes me see him more like family, and just like I'm not horny on my family, I usually turn cold sexually with my partners after two years or so. (Not totally, sex become less frequent)
Adding to that there is no animalistic lust in concurred land, when you know someones body to the most little detail, no surprisingly it gets boring, no one need to be blamed for that.
Well, I guess women feel different about that, they are way more emotionally driven than man when it comes to sex, while straight men many times do cheat, as they get old in marriage, they don't really have where to find options for releasing their sexual desire, it's not that women are so easily to find and easy to give in to sex, unless you are a latin god model called Alejandro or an aylon musk type of guy. So they are sexually hungry enough to settle with what they have.
When we talk about gays this is a whole different story, therefore many times you can find open relationships when you look at gay relationships and marriages...
Another thing, that can be also relevant with women.
As a fearful avoidant I fear of the manifestation love as a way to satisfy selfish needs, my mind always roaming around the idea that there is a chance that the love I get isn't love that doesn't depend on anything, but a way to get things from me, use me, that it's not me their after, but their sexual needs, security needs, self assurance needs, cure for lonliness needs, and I just came by, at the right time and place.
I guess part of it comes from being hypersexual with strangers in order to get attention, so this is a very cold needs exchange.
and also a cynical approach I have towards the authenticity of humans feelings that we lacked and was disappointed by.
So when a partner nagging about sex it turns the suspicious feelings in me, which is not good for my sexual drive, and many times I choose not to play along, just to see how much of a big deal is it, if it changes something in his affection towards me, or maybe he can hold on and be satisfied just from the fact I'm there being with him, mind and soul.
If I feel he's relaxed and independent from his strong needs, it makes it easier for my sexual drive to get back and to my hunter instincts to return.
I've been watching your videos for a while since I realized my attachment is so on and off. Thank you for your videos. I recently had to end things because of the amount of anxiety and confusion I felt, but I've started to (try) to heal alone. With FA, I feel like I hurt my partner more than not. So, I left, even though I think I truly loved him. I tend to detach and deactivate more often than not, so it's hard to tell. But still, thank you.
it's taking me days to understand this distinction between 'wanting attention' and 'having connection.'
While wanting attention you are in a state of wanting, so not having. You feel lonely, disconnected and not enough. While having connection you are in a state of having. You feel connected, fulfilled and good enough. Getting attention gives you a short lived high, having connection is deeply nourishing. I hope this helps!
Can you please make a video on what is connection? I am confused about it. Maybe give examples. I am not sure I have that in my relationship. I probably don't since I'm an FA.
Oh my God! I've never heard anyone else talk about this and thought it was just me!
I’ve been watching a lot of attachment coaches and videos to heal after my breakup and this by far has been the best
I recently started diving into attachment styles. I was incredibly promiscuous growing up and then I became religious and have now been married ten years and have struggled my whole marriage with low libido. I've always assumed it was post partum depression and being medicated (we have three kids) but I recently started realizing there was much more of an emotional component to it and not just physiological. This video just brought me to tears.
My trauma led me to a dependent sex addiction for over 20 years. I want it my way- over and over, intense, complicated, dangerous...OR NOT at all. Just get it away from me type of deal- similar to over eaters, alcoholics ect. I have to block all triggers to get through a normal day. My ex was a heroin addict and saw my addiction before I did- everytime I tried to leave the relationship- he dangled the amazing sex in my face to keep me close.
First time I found ypur videos was one year ago, and let me tell you, you changed my life forever without exagrating
I am hypersexual, until I am in a long relationship
I feel that is so true for me. I've been in a relationship for more than 5 years now, and this is truly the first time I could feel safe and loved. However, from the beginning it has been very hard for me to feel that passion in sex. I've always blamed it on my partner's deep appreciation for aesthetic beauty, which made me feel unfit and imperfect from the beginning (in some occasions he actually verbally expressed that for him it is very important to take care of one's image). So I feel that this has always been at the back of my mind. But lately, I've been wanting that passionate connection so much, because I've been suffocating it for this long, I've been projecting this desire onto someone that's not my partner, which has also started that storm of thoughts and constantly analysing and doubting everything. I've been feeling extremely guilty and really wanting to heal this part of me. Can you make a video on how FA would look for that passion in people out of their relationship? P.s. 'bumping' into your videos has put so much light into myself and my relationships history. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story. I will definitely look into this subject. ❤
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Hi paulien, please do offer any insight into that. I thought it was common for FAs to cheat since they are supposedly looking for any validation and attention and passion while avoiding true connection but I cant seem to find many references so far. My FA kept looking for women to sleep with during our rs. He said he loves the seducing and preferred cheating to open rs since he's afraid of the lack of emotional stabilty in a open rs. At the same time, he eventually asked for an open rs so he can have the emotional stability with the appetite of hypersexuality . Coincidence or any real FA link?
Glad I came across your channel! ❤️ love the content. Can you do one on how and when to share with someone about attachment styles in a manner that has higher chances of being well-received by an FA?
I can imagine the hot/cold pendulum can be discouraging without knowing it's not their fault
Wow, uncanning how accurate this is
Very clear explanation of why my secure attachment did not work with a fearful avoidant. THANKS.
Can you talk about having fearful avoidant and being a parent and struggles
It’s so hard😢 I’m struggling with that myself
Omg I struggle so much. So much that I don’t ever want to have children again
Like most of your videos, I found this super insightful! It’s helped me a lot to know that I can relate to others out there. You’ve said it before but it really resonated with me the idea of safety and I think that’s something I might look more into in my healing journey
Thank you for your sharing and vulnerability, I am stuck in a prude phase and I need out
❤ thank you for this ❤
Jesus! Thank you for this video! That's some information I've needed for so long without even knowing it ❤❤❤
So happy to hear my content is valuable to you!!!❤
Amazingly true video, thankyou.
Problem is , when I turned prude my husband had problems with that and expectations… which repelled him … and created lots of issues.. leading to leaving me
This video is blowing my mind rn. I really wish I could talk to you privately about my personal experience. I'm having major issues in my marriage surrounding various reasons. 😢
Thank you
Amazing video !!
i feel like another reason behind this could be that I as an FA, in my relationship had already gone through my “empty” phase where i didn’t feel anything, which i do now but i worry that i might not feel anything during it and that just scares me..
Thank you for all the insights
I appreciate this video. Sex is highly affected by mixed attachment styles but not talked about enough. So thank you! However, i do feel like this take on it assumes the FA's partner is securely attached where sex equals deeper emotional connection. That's not the case with a DA partner which is a very different dynamic. Sex with a DA partner might be consistently disappointing and cause anxiety and eventual shut down due to risk of anxiety in an FA due to no emotional connection. Totally different. Yes, I'm over here being jealous of FAs whose partners actually want and enjoy sex. 😂
High functioning FA leading AA and I’ve never been hyper sexual… Ever. I am the complete opposite.
Is there a video about the crash State?
How about addressing solutions to these issues rather than just explaining the issue over and over
She has a playlist with a bunch of videos about healing FA attachment style 😊
what you recommend to help me get my fearful avoidant partner to be more wanting of sex? she is in the state now of fearing/not wanting sex, which is ruining our relationship as my needs arent being met, and i have no idea how to help her become more sexual.
I have the same issue with mine . The closer and more committed we get , the sex has completely gone away now and I am a very sexual person , I don’t equate closeness or emotional intimacy with sex , sex is an outlet and something fun and feels good to me. For him , it means intimacy and attachment, and I feel rejection. He has a lot of doubts about his “stamina “ but it’s perfect for me! He is perfect for me , but the last time we had sex he couldn’t finish and I feel like that is my fault , and idk if he is to scared to try again and just shut down, or if he isn’t attracted to me anymore . I haven’t gained any weight or anything ,I’m the same women he wanted 4 months ago . I just don’t get it .
I would say, don't look just at your own needs. It's not her fault that she's shut down. She needs compassion, not fixing. I was, and still am, the FA in my relationship, and am currently shut down. The more he wanted to change me and fix me sexually, the more I shut down. I need acceptance as I am now. So just don't do it. Accept her as she is. Masturbate on your own. Give her space. Have you tried communicating to her with empathy about her issues? But communication should not be a manipulation tactic just for you to get what you want, but it should be a way to truly connect, so you show you care about her.
Possibly supplements? Maca, ashwaganda, tribulus terrestris, damiana. There are a lot of blends combining all of these into 1 pill if you search women's libido booster.
@@cleobinxyes, exactly the same story… How long have you been with your partner, 4 months? This is just the beginning, unfortunately. You will get stuck in that phase, when he can’t “finish” for quite a time probably, until he starts healing (if he starts healing). Most likely, several months later he will say that he doesn’t have feelings (which is not true) and try to leave. But if you can work it out and stay together, that’s when your real journey will begin. I noticed that people who can lead this type of relationship to marriage, complain even more about their partner not wanting sex. It seems like it’s a rare case when avoidants actually start the healing process…Even if they are married. So, I felt absolutely helpless in that situation, because it mostly depends on him. I know it might be a terrible advice, but from my experience there are several things that might help: 1) gently reject sometimes (but be careful with this word), for example, by saying you have a lot of work to do, very gently. Basically, don’t always be available. I know I hate it. But it works, trust me. And don’t bring up this sex problem frequently, especially at early stages of relationship (less than a year), cause you become pathetic in your partner s eyes, and moreover he starts feeling the guilt. 2) he will become hyper sexual from time to time if you create a very romantic vibe or go somewhere to a new location. It helps, but temporary.
Overall, the problem is if you cannot accept this type of attachment style from your partner in a long run and you feel your needs are not met, then it is better to finish. I know( But if you are okay with this behavior and you (most importantly!) feel safe knowing that your partner might never change, then it’s that “unconditional love”, and it’s worth it.
PS: I used to be an anxious person, including the time when I just started dating my avoidant partner, but due to certain life experiences not related to my partner I switched to fearful avoidant style. So, it’s been 3 years with him, and a lot of things happened. But now I kinda lost that constant unhealthy need for physical intimacy too. In the beginning I was pretty much addicted to having sex with my partner.
But basically, after a few months of dating a fearful avoidant, it is really early to conclude anything. Good luck!