Why Unloved People Hate Themselves
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- čas přidán 27. 02. 2024
- What happens to a child who is not loved properly? The answer one might expect is that they start to hate the person who doesn’t give them the love they need. Far from it. The reality is that the child becomes filled with shame. But what is shame? And how does it impact your adult life?
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“What happens to a child who is not loved properly? The answer one might expect is that they start to hate the person who doesn’t give them the love they need. Far from it. The reality is that the child becomes filled with shame. What is shame? A sense that one is profoundly unworthy, dirty, soiled, sinful, ugly, embarrassing - and also, in danger; a fit subject of attack and ridicule by strangers. The child is unable to redirect the blame outward: it does not ask: ‘What is wrong with my parents for not loving me adequately?’ It simply wonders in a forlorn way: ‘What have I done wrong in order to have ended up on the receiving end of my parent’s disapproval?’ A primitive fear of abandonment kicks in. The child prefers to attack itself for being bad than to confront a yet more awful possibility: that it is entirely dependent for its well-being on inadequate and unkind parental figures.
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“A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth”
Oh. Wow.
Wowww is right . Sweet baby I just want to hug that child
Sadly that's not often reality, the child usually suffers alone without revenge.
#Honesty
#cœur #Courage
It isn’t just parents. When everyone you meet doesn’t like you, you hate yourself as well
And it's a difficult habit to break. If people dislike you, you'll eventually hate yourself. But the reason(s) why people dislike you doesn't originate from you, but your upbringing, how your family treated you, and the ways you cope with it.
It's as if you're taking the blame, shame, and hate towards yourself for something you had no control over.
Trauma fucking sucks lol
Thats why Ive always rejected anti depressants: I think ive made mostly poor decisions and I dont deserve to feel any different. Ive never related with anybody on them because I dont believe its a chemical imbalance that got me where I am.
@@RalphieMaysGhost I can see that. It’s not chemicals that got me here
Very true. People try blame mental health or any other pseudo science illness. The real reason is you just made bad decisions and you need to accept your failure.
you need to take responsibility for the actions you made and own them. You won't find peace in someone else
It was at 14yrs old that I started reading self help books in order to understand "what is wrong with me". 30 years later at 44 I finally understand I've never been given love, just instructions, orders and criticism. Now that I understand I can fix it.
I am 14 now and I have felt this for a very long time too but after witnessing this comment I will try to make a change too.
how do you fix it? I'm 44 too lol. I have an empty hole in my heart still
Damn i am touched 😢
@@fearless6947The hole is closed by being embraced by a loving very young wife, you being a confident knowlgeable leader wise man.
Why very young ? Seems superficial . Maybe it's your ego at play . @@prestow
Part of growing up is realizing how imperfect your parents are, some more than others. This does not mean that you have to hate them. They too probably had the same issues growing up as you did. It is our responsibility to understand and break these patterns for a better life and ultimately for our kids if we choose to have them.
Eh in some cases defintely hate your parents. People often forgive family far too quickly
Some parents are so terrible that they should have never been parents.
What's there not to hate about parents? These authoritative figures abuse, exploit, and extort children since their births. Then they gaslight the children that it's all love when it's actually just prospective investments to them.
Children jolly well realize at a young age just how horrific their parents are, otherwise it's just the same old Stockholm syndrome that "oh we're not supposed to hate our parents because they love us unconditionally blah blah".
Why breed when you can't provide a proper life? I looked at my creators and said to myself, the misery ends with me.
@@chronophobic Same. I am childfree because my parents showed me so many reasons NOT to have children. The abuse stops with me.
Someone said it perfectly and I don’t remember who “you’re not a broken person, you had a broken childhood” and it changed some of my perspective
I've given up trying to have a happy childhood. --middle-age guy
Unbreaking the child is the tricky part.
This breaks my heart to a million pieces
Now imagine your start to the world like that, and everyday going forward.
That is the darkness that many put on their children.
I know from experience.
Sending virtual hug ☺️
I made it my mission in life to help people like this. I just need to make a change. It really really hurts me to see this.
Same friend, same
@@kineticstarthat’s the very exact reason I chose NOT to have children. I must break the cycle!
In my early 20s I contemplated suicide every day for at least 4 years. I felt unloved, depressed and hated myself. I thought I’d be lucky to see 30. I’m now nearing 50 and am very glad I didn’t end it. To anyone out there who’s struggling, I wish you strength and the patience to tackle your demons. Time is sometimes the best healer of all ❤
Everyday is a new day. We recreate our reality when we wake up: we can change that reality by changing our thinking. It takes time, as it took time to create the current thinking.
It does seem like what is the point. It will never change. The fact was I had to change. I was isolating, it was my comfortable place but so damned unhealthy.. Now there are days i think to myself "I've not been sad or depressed for awhile"
Thank you. I’m 29. I’m you in your 20s. I don’t feel like it’s going to get better. Whatever I do to better my life, it fails every time. I literally lost my hair struggling to build myself a life worth living.
@@Avaaaw I’m very sorry to hear that. I know that feeling. I also felt life was pointless and nothing would change but eventually it did. I started to see being alive another day as a victory vs depression. In my head I imagined there was a ninja that would confront my negative thoughts and beat the shit out of them. It probably sounds stupid but these small changes in perspective helped me overcome depression. The fact you’re trying continuously to improve your situation suggests there’s a lot of fight in you. You’re a lot stronger than you think 🤗
How did you get out of that mindset? I struggle with it, in late 20s
Its not a matter of consciously thinking 'why dont my parents love me', its a deep sense of being inferior, with no right to expect the things in life that others have
In my case it was mostly my dad not showing me love, i feel loved by my mom but sometimes it's like certain conditions do apply, and yes i often feel undeserving of the best things in life because of feelings of inferiority, you nailed it.
You nailed it.
You just summed up my life
@watchmanspector Same here. I'll leave it at that.
This is what i wanted to hear
My late father was mentally, physically, and sexually abused by his parents. Mum only found out the latter when he was in his 70s when he began crying whilst watching a documentary about child abuse. I hated my grandparents from an early age for what they had done to my dad, including trying to break up his marriage to mum, yet if I voiced my opinions, he would get angry and say that I was wrong. It was only much later in life that I realised that he blamed himself for his treatment. He was determined that I would never suffer as he had. Apart from an inability to show emotions such as love, he was the best dad I could have had. He died a few weeks after mum, and even the doctor said that he had died of a broken heart. It's been 14 years, and the pain of my loss is as strong as ever. This video brought tears to my eyes.
I'm so sorry to hear this 😢
You are lucky to have a such nice dad I can not have! I wish I could transfer the pain into a good dad traits just like your dad. He is a model!👏👏👏
Damn. Sorry man.
There is only 1 that can heal the heart and the mind. His name is Jesus. 😢 God only knows the emptiness we feel, the hurt and sadness.
All I can say to you mate is I can relate to your story and the ONLY way to heal yourself is to raise your own son with the polar opposite amount of love support and guidance if you have one. Worked for me. God bless.
"Adult children of emotionally immature parents" is a great book everyone should read
Yes, I recommend this book to everyone! It literally changed my life, I was advised to read it in therapy, and it was the perfect book to read!
Thank u so much, i started to read the book and am baffled by how many stuff r unlocked in my head already. Thank u again for suggesting an actual helpful book❤.
I just ordered it!!!! Can't wait!!!!
Also, it makes me immensely glad that there are people out there who've done enough healing of their own and took on the job of helping the rest of us by writing and making available such amazing and life changing content/books!!
@@iqrakhan7234 Really hope the book helps you find inner peace 🙏🏼
indeed, some parents have nothing to offer, they are that poor in spirit
Yet, most of the time, they'll claim that they are the parents of the century! 🙄
And so, too, were their parents.
@@werquantum - indeed
Beautifully worded ❤💯‼️‼️‼️
My parents
"Why can't you just be normal!?!"
Accusations such as this are often thrown at child 😢
I had that one!
@@wingit7335 these are common accuracies for we unlucky few.
My mother's favourite was the "cracking of the skulls". Basically you grab two of your small children by the neck facing each other and rapidly accelerate their foreheads together. It results in a cracking sound followed by a guaranteed few hours of quiet children, in their beds due to a sudden onset of totally unrelated migraines and failure of full awareness, with towels and buckets to catch the emesis that they will be responsible for cleaning up later.
I hope you're doing better ❤️
This one cracks me up. Parents that created the issue ask it. Critical bosses (at public companies that they didn't build) think they can motivate you thru constant criticism while they coddle their DEI hires.
Mine called me a burden on earth constantly
Been there. Now I live it.
What I hate most about the trauma is the maladaptive coping mechanisms we take into adulthood. Dissociation states that prevents appropriate decision making, so keeps you in risky situations/ relationships for longer. The freeze response, etc.. the list is long.
It truly casts a shadow, the length of a lifetime.
and when you freeze, people shame you for it
so on top of freeze response stemming from trauma you also feel shameful, like there's something wrong with you
This! And not understanding why you freeze (I do now) makes you think you're stupid all over again.
It sure does.
My sobriety and healing is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Healing is asking ugly questions, and getting ugly answers. To anyone reading this, I love you and I'm proud of you, keep going.
hey thanks, lots of love to you too.. it's really hard some days so i really appreciate you saying that thanks!
I've improved a lot by reading self help books. Went from actively looking in the mirror and thinking I hate myself to making CZcams videos and loving myself and even my voice. I dress for myself and I live for myself, instead of trying to get peoples approval.
You too!❤
I love you also!!
Much love to you too... I am SO proud of anyone (including myself) who takes the healing path. Well done!
Now imagine this isn't parents but a whole society -- a culture.
no need to imagine this
More like the whole world
The story of my life... Tell me about it😑
What does it even mean? I'm a black woman born in a 3rd world country and even I cant understand that statement. The world is (mostly) a nice place.
@@allwhatilove914 good for you . But many are not like you .many are suffering in this world
Adults raised in unstable and neglectful households, often end up doing the same to their kids. Often their justification is, "I had it worse than you", as if the kid is responsible for the parent's childhoods or something. The scar of emotional neglect and lack of proactive love is very deep, and it impacts every relationship and friendship that someone seeks out in their adult years. Your parents are apathetic and unbothered, you'll seek out friends who are apathetic or don't even care about you. You get into relationships with people who don't care about you. Its a domino effect, and unlearning it is extremely difficult, possible but takes years, even decades.
So true. That is what my life is. Dad never gave a damn but he prefer sis than me. He looks at me like disgust. I did nothing to him yet he treats me like dirt. I have zero friends and so on. Sometimes i wonder why people like me are born here. Are we here just to suffer and to be doormat?.
It has taken me decades. I am 55 now and finally feel like I am at a place where I understand and accept what all has happened. I started at 36. It has been a rocky 20 years. I made a lot of mistakes with the best of intentions. I still have hope for the future. ✨🩵✨🙏
Uncontrolled anger and aggression is often an expression of self contempt.
how so?
Not questioning, genuinely curious how that works
@@Kazmistrz1993 What we feel towards ourselves we direct at others, and what they feel towards themselves they direct at us.
And so it goes in a continual cycle of reflection: unfortunately, few are able to see it, much less acknowledge it and then change it.
No, that's mostly shit. We don't lash out because we're angry at ourselves, we lash at because we're angry at what those specific people did to us as well as lashing out against their enablers.
@@MeanOldLady I didn't say we lash out because we are angry at ourselves, I mentioned self contempt which is self loathing or a strong dislike for one's self. And I'm thinking more random acts of violence, or people who are aggressive towards others for no reason. If someone hurt you or did something wrong to you, your angry at them for that reason.
Don't I know it. Forgiving myself was the hardest thing I ever did.
I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. I’ve gone through a lot of phases. Spent a lot of adult life disassociated and numb. Telling myself and others that I don’t care about love. I’ve opened my heart up a lot in the past couple years and it’s taken a beating. Every rejection feels like my dad slamming his door in my face. Every rejection feels like the time I asked my dad if I could show him the chords I learned on guitar, because I wanted to be like him, and then hearing him say “no, I’m too tired.”
I don’t know how I’m ever going to believe that someone can love me if my own parents didn’t. That depth of pain and worthlessness is akin to the Grand Canyon. It’s why I’ve written so many suicide notes throughout my life. But here I am, still breathing, putting my face into the hurricane force winds of fear and trudging through to the other side.
im proud of you and glad you are keeping on to have a life of love to offer
Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable. You have a strong heart. I wish you more of what you already have in plenty: strength.
I reccomend ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) and the waking up app. They got me out of 20+ years of depression ❤
I can't say that I know what you're going through, although I always felt like my own parents never put us kids first. Ever. However, I have tried to build a better and more meaningful life for myself. It's not anywhere near perfect and there will always be setbacks but I'll tell you something my counselor said to me when I was reflecting on the regret of my self abusive and self hateful past. She said, 'Every little decision I've made along the way has led me to my current life. A better life.' I had never thought of it that way.
You might not know it now but I hear strength in your words and one day you too will look back as a woman who never gave up and made a better life for herself. Sending a big hug 🤍
Books on emotionally immature parents might help 😊
27 years of life I lived without properly identifying my shame. It was inconceivable to me that my parents failed me and I repeated my trauma and bled onto others. Dont be scared to admit you were neglected
I’m 29. Today while cooking, I realised that hating myself was the only way for me to avoid facing the fact that my parents were bad people. Children love their parents so much that they can’t even conceive that they can be horrible persons
#Forgiveness
@@LoveEarthHereAndNow #Justice
Me too!
@@LoveEarthHereAndNow #Justice !
Sometimes even inspite of being born in a family with loving parents,grand parents and siblings the child might still feel hated and start doubting their own selves due to abusive neighbors, relatives,teachers or friends.
One teacher in particular at age 9yrs 😔
And also bullies from school,workplace and any places
The difference is that children born into healthy familial dynamics learn to cope with these emotional circumstances more appropriately. Those who lack the foundational aspect of self-reliance nurtured by loving parents have a difficult, but not impossible, time adjusting to negative relationships, circumstances, or neuroticism.
*Spelling
being born in a loving family gives the person the emotional support to deal with abusive neighbors, relatives, teachers, friends
the person can come talk to their loving family when they start doubting themselves and self-hating
but when a person doesn't have a loving family and on top they also deal with mean people they have nobody to turn to for support
I wish I could love myself one of these decades. Everyone keeps reminding me why I'm broken. I don't need the reminders. I already hate looking in the mirror.
"When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives" - Lauren Eden
Damn.
Lame
I for myself grew up in a drug household, with both of my parents dying at a young age. I think they tried to love me but just couldn't. Now, at 36, although I have a successful career, I'm healthy, have real friends, and after almost 11 years of therapy, I still don't like myself most of the time. As soon as I mess up the most minor thing, I fall into a deep hole of self-hatred. It's like it's been bred into me.
I feel that all I would have needed was somebody to tell me I was OK back then. I honestly think one can make a difference by just being attentive and aware of one's surroundings. When you see a small kid being mistreated, you can do something about it and maybe change a person's life!
The issues will all go away in an instant when you have your own children. Then it will all come together and click. You will appreciate the goods that your parents did, and also see their faults as theirs, not yours. It does not click together when you are not in a parent's shoes. I'm not "forcing" you to have kids, I'm just saying it makes a world of difference.
"tortured by inside" sums up the effect of parental neglect. Living knowing you weren't important enough to be cared for properly is torture. Now please excuse me, I have to go hate myself so no one else has to. Thank mom and dad
It is sad that emotionally unavailable people feel the need to have children
As if I wasn't depressed enough...
This video is just confirmation of what I already knew...😢
lmao
You are awesome. Keep watching these videos, reading the books, going to therapy. Its hard, but it gets better.
Mortimer Adler, 1979
aber macht auch Mut
There's so little love to be found in this world, it's unbelievable.
How much love do you give every day?
Fix it in yourself.
As a person who grew up without love, you tend to look around and see that there is definitely a world filled with love.
It's just that there are to many people afraid to share it, not wanting to get hurt.
The above two comments seem to be unaware of their surroundings
@@dinosaur9406 How so?
I am 42 years old. I had mental help for 12 years. My mother has always been neurotic and has narcississtic traits. She never showed her love, harmed me and my sister both verbally and physically. We never knew how and when the attack would come. My father thought this is how things are in a family because his own mother was very tough with him all his life. Therefore, my sister is locked up in her own peter pan syndrome refusing to grow up. I, on the other hand, have managed to leave home but it took me 34 long years to learn how to love myself instead of hating and trying to hamper my own existence. Still, l am dealing with a strong urge to please others, ask how high when my parents tell me to jump and try being the middle man in family relations, and have been dealing with anxiety disorders for 37 years now. And you know what, it never ends. You will always be inadequate in their eyes. Just move as far as you possibly can and start anew. They are useless broken machines, you can build up your own.
I grew up as a woman undiagnosed with ASD. I felt like I wasn't even human, even though my parents never mistreated me. They just seemed ashamed of me.
The worst part about all this shame is that when we're adults and we go out seeking partners, they abandon or reject us for this shame, blaming us despite how much therapy we may do.
I can love myself, to a point, but if I constantly get reinforcement I am not loveable by others, it never allows me to fully, finally heal, and instead re-traumatizes me.
I wish more people understood this. You can definitely make an effort to build self confidence and self love, but it cannot be done alone. You need positive reinforcement from others to heal; otherwise, your progress will be stagnant.
If people are repeatedly sending you implicit and explicit signals that you're no fun to hang out with, or worth talking to, then you'll keep beating yourself up for putting in all this self-improvement effort for no positive return, which then backtracks your progress, and then invite others to shame you more for being "stuck in your own ways".
It's a nasty cycle that no one understands except for the unfortunates who have to experience it.
@@TerranceBhS There's something insidious in society that is designed or guide people with self-love issues to remain alone in this "constant cycle of self-improvement."
People with healthy levels of self-love are taught to avoid those without, or it indicates something is wrong with THEM. So they do. I think many people instinctively avoid it as well, but our society doesn't teach tgem about tolerance or trying to understand this bias as it did with other things "instinctively avoided" like people of different races, lifestyles, or disability.
But, like any other skill, we cannot learn self-love if we don't practice it. It's an interpersonal feedback type of learning, so we not only have to work on our own skills, but then we have to learn and constantly grow from USING those skills interacting with others. We have to experience forms of love, acceptance, rejection, success, failure, etc. in the context of OTHERS. Then we make our own internal adjustments.
If others are told to exclude us from participating, we can't learn. And if we are excluded from a feedback mechanism, the only mirror we have is OURSELVES, which will generate a distortion field into things like narcissism.
Can you imagine if it was a different skill, like performing? We have to learn and practice on our own, but then we're not allowed to perform in public, thus not getting feedback on how to interact with an audience or how to improve. And we aten't allowed to perform because the audience is told something is wrong with them if they watch "amateurs."
In the end, the therapy/self-help part of this equation where we have to stay away from others until we're healed completely is false circular logic. I think it is designed to keep us from GOING into society on purpose because nobody is ever fully healed or can be damaged again in an instant.
It's a societal escape valve to justify lack of community and compassion for those who struggle in specific interpersonal interactions. Out of sight, out of mind.
Yeah, how can I believe something that experience tells me is the opposite?
I’m so with you: this is VERY difficult! I have arrived at the mindset not to want, need or expect care, concern, love, anything (other than criticism and being used) by others. For the most part, I am invisible to others, unless they mean to do me harm. So I KNOW the only person on this planet who will ever care I exist, in a good way, is ME! So I try to love myself, but it’s so hard when it was never modeled by anyone, not even your parents. Keep trying.
Unloved people just want someone to love them for them. They don't have a reason to love themselves nor know how to practice self-love.
This channel has probably saved many people from thier negative thoughts.
I’ve learned this at almost sixty years of age. It’s far too late to change now. I also recently learned of having ASD my entire life… I was played like a cheap fiddle. Shame and guilt were used constantly to keep me in control by a toxic family setup.
I was told when I was pre-teen that I could be anything I wanted to be and to follow my dream. But they dream was someone else’s dream in how I should live my life. And it didn’t sit right with me. When I rebelled against that life, I was told I was worthless and that no one would ever want to be with me and so it was since I was twenty two.
Now I just wait to die. But one last family member has to die first. The one who told me from age six that I was to look after my family my entire life.
That’s deep programming and psychological abuse right there. And all done with bible quotes and being called selfish for just wanting to be myself.
a love filled life is still possible. i believe in you
When they die you will be free, free to live not to die
I know that it can feel like an impossibly huge and insurmountable task, but you'd be amazed how powerful making 1 tiny initial change can be. I recently realised that even a tiny improvement, will always be better than the starting point, even if that 1 tiny change is the only improvement you make and then decide to stop there - a slightly more bearable hellish life, will at least be slightly more bearable, which is better than total hell. And then when you get to that slightly more bearable place, you'll most probably find that you have a bit more bandwidth and hope and belief in yourself to make another little change... and so on... and before you know it, you may not be completely healed, but you're feeling a whole lot better. And i certainly wish that for you, because you deserve to feel better.
@@M_SCor maybe the thinking will remain, recreating the prison every day…?🤔
This sums up my childhood. It's sad to read that someone else went through the same harmful and dysfunctional upbringing.
My parents married late in life and had me when they were 50 and 42 years old. When my mother was in her late-80s and was living in an assisted living facility, I would visit every day after work to make sure she was being looked after properly and to set her in a wheel chair so she could go outside for a smoke. We would sometimes just sit and watch the sunset as she puffed on her cigarette- her one and only vice. One day out of the blue she asked, “are you ever going to have kids?” Being in my late-40s, I said, “no… I believe that ship has sailed.” After a short pause, my mother said, “who is going to take care of you when you’re old?” At that moment, I finally realized why my parents had kids… to care for them when they are unable to care for themselves.
I always felt like a burden. They never went out of their way to expose me to things that could enrich my life. They never did things for me or gave me things for the pleasure of watching me enjoy them. They barked out orders and wished I was not always under foot. Everything was the bare minimum. Of course, I realize I could have had it way worse. I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t angry or upset. I was just flabbergasted at my epiphany.
On a side note: my mother did complement me on what a good caretaker I was for her. She said she had hoped for a daughter when I was born, but I did just as good or better. I guess that’s something.
Wow, what insight. Tyfs✨
My chest also hurts and feels heavy like the thumbnail guy almost every day
I'm starting to think NO ONE is happy.
I understand why but it is really not true! 💕
Nobody is the way humans are wired we'll always want more.
@gy Somewhat correct. There ARE decent parents out there (imo, not many). Every child is fked up by their parents to some degree. Every parent has inflicted trauma on their child to some degree. Some children have experienced very little trauma at the hands of their parents. Some have experienced unfathomable trauma. It's a spectrum. But because ZERO perfect parents exist, that means EVERY parent has made mistakes and have hurt their children. 100% of humans have experienced trauma from their parents.
Happiness is fluid. No one is 100% happy all the time. I have days where I am happy and content and positive and self-loving. And I have days where I am deeply depressed, unhappy, negative, and self-hating. Happiness comes and goes. Even for the "most happy" people.....
Happiness is temporary. It's a top on the sine wave of life. But you can't have tops without valleys. The best one can hope for is a straight line of neutrality. But then again, that would be pretty boring.
The school of life taught me about myself things I didn't know exist and others I didn't wanna know but had to.. again thank you.
oh dear, this resonates in so many heartbreaking ways.
This is so common. I hope we learn to love ourselves and break the pattern with our kids.
Children rely so much on their parents physically, emotionally and psychologically that it makes sense why it is easier to believe their own lack of worth than their parents' inadequacies and unkindness. Add that with being raised in a constantly chaotic, unpredictable and toxic environment in which we're always blamed for everything and never appreciated, we do start seeing ourselves as a problem. we lose faith in our own capabilities. I even remember hearing myself being called a problem many times and being told "why can't you be like everyone else?'' or "Why can't you be normal?"
Another factor is that we do see our parents, often well into adulthood, as imperfect but larger than life figures who in our minds, cannot be completely wrong about such essential things as loving their own kids. We also grow up to believe that we're unlovable because we've been told and made to feel so by our earliest influences. This leads to thinking that we're never good enough for anyone and nobody would love us for who we are which causes abandonment issues and further heartbreak. I wish this was talked about more. Thank you.
this breaks my heart. may all the children receive endless love
To all the fellow men who dealt with this. I love you, there is nothing inherently wrong with you. Never feel ashamed for being a man ❤️
I cried. Because, I’m in my thirties and just had another meaningless argument w family in which I was blamed for everything. That’s typical in my family. I’m the scapegoat. But, hearing it aloud is very painful when I’ve tried to shove those feelings deep down and lie to myself that they don’t mean it to sound or be so nasty or awful. But deep down inside I know.
It's not you. ❤ It's OK to walk away from people who hurt you.
Truly nerve wracking when parents try to make up for it in the later years when their kids are adults.
Yes. A video on that would be great. Also taking care of them as they age and/or get sick
That's literally my parents. Abused me for 20 years now they "love" me. Ok and I can't wait until I get to not visit their funeral
Also, it doesn’t have to be from parents. As we grow, we can feel not loved or cared about by anyone and that too can make us feel unworthy of being loved in the future.
Then there's another category of unfortunates, those who were super adored as babies, who were fawned over, played with, touched and hugged, but then it all stopped for some reason, whether it was because the novelty wore off because you stopped being cute or more likely a new sibling, or siblings came along and took away your lime light away. And not only did they stop adoring you, they started resenting you for wanting attention. So you got angry and took it out on that sibling or siblings, and that then got you nothing but negative attention to the point that you became the villain and your only crime was needing the attention they made you addicted to😪
CZcams recommendations really going for the jugular today.
Thank you for creating this video. I have lived my entire life with self-deprecating tendencies, and I feel like there is a rude alter ego within me that prevents me from moving forward in life. It's been a painful obstacle for me.
This opened so many emotions, I sobbed. Although I will not forgive, I will empathize with how others had to live too, it's everyone's first time. Love this channel so much
I was beaten up by my siblings, abandoned by my father, my mother worked all day, had many boyfriends , left home to be with another boyfriends, i grew up taking care of my 2 younger siblings, one of my brothers had untreated schizofrenia made our life a living dissaster and a had a narcisistic oldest brother, am i fucked up?
Nah, not at all. Or, at least no more than the rest of us.
You're strong and valuable. ❤
... *You are, but aren't we all.*
@@thebesttheworst2277 i see It all the time, no one has perfect lives, we do what we can to survive in this harsh enviroment called life
@@aldelgado9343 Amen to that brother. 🤜🤛
This is why when dealing with past trauma or shadow material as an adult, it's important and healthy to really feel the hate towards your parents, without guilt and shame. Only through feeling and expressing it fully can it be released.
Well, I wasn't expecting a train to hit me today. Locked in my room at 3, ended up getting a Master's from Oxford.
nice. it sounds like two opposites, one closed world another open. i hope your life is good now
That is the worst thing “…wrong was done to one.” So much worse than being the monster.
I can say this as someone that suffered this feeling. You rationalize out that you don't deserve to be loved. The moment I figured this out I couldn't stop crying.
Of course everybody deserves to be loved - especially the children. As an adult the most important person who should love you - is yourself. Anybody can be abandoned by others but you always should love and appreciate yourself.
At the moment One realizes and experiences this heart shattering moment, there opens an opportunity:
Looking with devastation at the pieces of their own shattered heart, is the chance for them to pause and say, “Wait a minute - this piece should never have been connected to this piece. And that piece over there can only function when fitted together with this other piece that never did anything because it was in the wrong spot.
I’ve got nothing left to lose, so why don’t I try putting this heart back together in a way where the pieces fit together and things make sense?”
Speaking from personal experience here. Living it right now. It’s very hard work putting oneself together without the instructions. A lot of trial and error but making small gains. if I can do it, anyone can
so touched by reading your comment!❤🩹
Its so sad to see parents so caught up in their cell phones, constantly, when they have a beautiful amazing child practically begging for attention, with every desire to be watched, interacted with, touched, but the parents would rather be on their phone
I don’t think it’s helpful to peddle the narrative that it’s about the parents making a choice between phone vs child - it’s not. It’s about using the phone vs facing internal pain. Also, children can be huge triggers for parents’ pain. The more compassion we can have for what parents are going through, the more chance we have of supporting them into a space where they can become aware of the pain they’re avoiding and how their avoidance of feeling their pain is effectively passing the pain onto the child. I think most parents would rather be spending time with their child than with their pain.
it's not just phones, cell phones is just one dissociation technique, other parents use alcohol, watching tv, working, gossiping with others, fighting with their partner, changing partners often, etc.
plenty of parents rather do anything else than spend time with their kids, they had kids for selfish reasons and when they found out raising kids is not all sunshine and unicorns they rather traumatize another generation than fix themselves
You’ve answered so succinctly, a question that has been plaguing me all my life.
Was legit having a breakdown about this yesterday. I am struggling still to realize that it is in my head and it is the horrid people in my past that made me feel unwanted and unloved. It is a very hard place to get out of because so many people wall themselves off from others so finding love and acceptance is hard in this world.
All children deserve parents, but not all parents deserve children
My mother dumped me off on my grandmother when I was four. I know it wasn't my fault; my mother just wasn't maternal (I'm the same way so I don't blame her). But I've never been able to shake that feeling of worthlessness. I'm 43 and still feel that no one could ever deeply value me.
its a lifelong curse but its probably better than being stuck with a mother who doesnt want you and criticises you death as mine did
Curious cause many times I would have payd to be raised by grandma instead of mom
Just learning in my late 40s to turn the anger away from myself and towards my shoddy parents. It has helped a lot.
Seeing through parental bs is extremely difficult.
The animation is just as amazing as the narrative. Thank you. ❤
Connection is the answer. Connection is the food and love is the taste and the nutrient value of the food. It's better to have tasteless, crappy food than no food at all. And then you go into the world and you eat what you have learned is edible for you.
Or, you go into the world, let go a bit of what you learned, and notice there is food and tastes out there in this world that you had no idea existed and you learn how to fill your table with delicious meals and share it with others to enjoy the abundance of flavors.
Thank you for posting this ❤
Wow, I’ve been going through this lately. It’s been a struggle to love myself after the toxic childhood my parents put me and my sisters through. I’m still working on it, but I think I’m finally doing better
What makes this even worse is we also compare ourselves to those online. Everyone compares everything they have seen online. And we only see the top as everything else gets filtered out. So we judge ourselves to impossible standards, and we judge others by these same standards. We all need to unplug and get in touch with community, and judge ourselves based on that pool of people. In that way, we can all come out on top with something to be appreciated for.
true, it's best to stay off social medias
@@FruityHachiIncluding CZcams too. I don't use Social Media. I studied the physiological effects of online use before the iphone was invented. I have a Blackberry Q10 to this day. I don't make digital friends at all. They are not real, just Avatars. They are our own delusions of what we want them to be, not for who they really are.
The internet has some good features though. Its a library. Its a means to share data that we never could before. It has value. But if it were up to me, I'd remove all aspects of the 'social' side of things. Anywhere anyone can type words should go. We should present information and talk about it offline with our peers. We should only add information we think is of value. Not memes. Not cat videos. Not this text conversation.
Something like CZcams can still exist. It wont look the way it looks now but it will still exist. We'd have to search for more of our information instead of an algorithm just presenting it to us. Though I am not against algorithms showing us similar content to what we are searching for to help with our search.
And these places like CZcams should have some sort of Subscription model. You know Facebook could be Add free for only $10 a year? You'd be surprised how little value you need to give in what you can get and yet we still would rather exchange our personal data for. You are whats for sale online. You are worth more then $10/year. So no marketing efforts have been made to change this. And this too needs to change about how the internet works.
Further complications when lack of love is aggravated by disorienting, contradictory messages. When Mum keeps saying that "you are a disappointment to your father", on one hand, and "why didn't you defend me from him?" on the other, when abusive Dad messes with her. Good luck building yourself up on that foundation. My childhood.
All my life I have been emotionally neglected by my own parents. What's worse is that I came from a broken family where neither one gave me the attention I needed since I was a child
my mother kicked me out at 17 years old , my father was out of the picture, my mother never loved me and i think she sees me as a money problem. she wouldnt spend money to come and see me. even the mother of my girlfriend decades ago showed more love for me then my own parents its brutal.
OMG incredible. This is how I’ve felt all life long. Thank you for the insights
One of my worst memories dates back to when I was eight years old. My teacher told my parents I was smart. Instead of investing in my education, they made me their brain and servant. I know everything about them, sometimes even more than I know about my wife. I wish I had never shown interest in school. I never heard ' I love you son".
I was abused as a child, then raised in a deeply transphobic environment that left me feeling like a monster. I chose a third option, withdrawal; hiding away from everything and everyone for fear of getting hurt or lashing out and hurting others. No-one was allowed to see the real me.
Going from self-loathing to self-acceptance has been a massive journey over the last few years, but I'm pushing 50 and self-love is still a way off yet.
Mood.
As a fellow near-50yo (not trans, just autistic) I offer sharky snuggles, as does my Blahaj (there's a reason the Blahaj is an icon of the ostracised, get one xxx). You'll get there with the right people, in your own time
@@elaineb7065 I have both of those now. They definitely help ❤
Let's make sure we appreciate ourselves and others enough. And after that, have a child.
Awww. That is so heartbreaking and I know that heartbreak of self-hate. I hope my children and grandbabies never feel this way.
I've tried most of my life to become a better person because I always felt that I wasn't good enough no matter what I did, even when I succeeded in some things I would never be satisfied with myself, even when I went to therapy and tried to feel better mentally and cope, something was not right and so I asked myself again and again "what's wrong with me ?", until I understood that there is nothing wrong with me, it's the world that is wrong for trying to change us into who we are not and fit their needs and wants, parents or peers, society, whatever, What if there is nothing wrong with you ?
In some cases this chain of emotional pain goes back for generations, centuries, even millennia. The parents are damaged because they were mistreated by the grandparents, who were treated badly by the great-grandparents, etc. -- going all the way back to the Stone Age. What we think of as "good parenting" often didn't exist if you go back a few generations -- because life was so full of poverty and misery in the not-very-distant past. It's a chain that is very difficult to break.
And yet break it can.
That is eye openning
I don't know how i read that with eyes closed
❤ Thank you for your videos. These resonate so much with many of my personal emotional discoveries. I'm so grateful that this content is out there for many like me who really need to hear the simple truth about why we feel as we do.
Thank you for educating us with these videos so that we can understand ourselves and others better.
I really don't get why these type of parents choose to have a kidsjust because they want to a "normal" life doesn't mean ruining someone else's life.Parenting is hard you are living someone else life too and if you think you are not capable of it then don't instead of blaming your kids because of your unhappy life
Some people are desperate to be parents and indeed become parents but their own backgrounds, traumas and wounds coupled with debilitating economic circumstances can often make parenting extremely difficult, through no fault of their own. They try - how they try! - but they simply do not have the cognitive, emotional and economic tools. 😢
This is so perfectly explained, short and sweet, I will be returning to this for reference often
I took a long time to realise this. I still work on myself that I truly can love the person I am.
It is natural to see formative years in a skewed way or too subjective. The ability to be objective about those years, to analyze it like a therapist will help you move out of self pity and victimhood. The ability to respect and care for self is how you repair damage. Worthwhile things often take time to build up to, much like learning a new language. Your life starts the day you choose to move towards something positive.
It's a simple matter of internalizing everything the child has been told by the Toxic Parents and Siblings. The child believes what they have been told by everyone around them, and starts saying it to themselves.
Yes. Feeling as a child that I was one mistake away from my parents or sibling being on my side was terrorizing…mostly because sure I was shown time and again, they wouldn’t be. I’m 47 now and it’s manifested in several harmful ways. Towards myself, usually.
@@nishanacht
Same here. I'm in my 58th year of life on this Earth. They're older than me, and as Toxic as nuclear waste. Yet I'm the one sick from the decades of abuse.
When I was 49, I finally accepted the TRUTH they were never going to change, and split from them. I went NO CONTACT, and moved across the country to get away from them. Yet I'm still sick from their abuse. I wonder if I'll ever be truly free of their garbage? If I figure it out, I'll let you know.
Best Wishes!
Scary how I realted to the videos of this channel when I was a teenager and that I still relate to it now that I'm an adult . Hope teens aren't frowned upon and portrayed as evil or rebellious, rather everyone should attempt to understand what they're really feeling. Just listening without judging is more than enough. Hope you beautiful people make it through whatever you're going through
Thank you, School of Life 🙏🏻✌🏻
No body's perfect. It's how we overcome it that matters
Doesn't have to be like that you know
I appreciate the post of this video. As I'm undergoing the full awake to my parents narcissistic abuse and being the target for all sorts of narcissists in my life. Last night I read my journal throughout my late teenage years and early adult, and felt disgusted by myself for how I allowed myself to put up with the abusers.
I had wonderful parents and I've been always sure of being loved. Now I deeply love my two boys too. More than life itself. Watching this breaks my heart and makes me feel like hugging my little boys. But it's 1am and they are sleeping, after our good night ritual with shower, a book and a kiss. Cannot imagine someone as amazing as my boys feeling inadequate or undeserving. They deserve the world. 💙💙💙
Thank you:) Love the video’s message as someone who sometimes struggles with self-blame. A very beautiful animation (Song recommendation: „You were cool“ - The Mountain Goats)
My parents loved me, yet never showed it.. got hit and verbally abused. It made me a social mess as an adult.
What's the essence of love if it's not expressed?
Can we call that love or you're trying to convince yourself it's love?
I'm sorry for what it did to you bro, i hope you heal soon
Keep doing the inner work to transcend your childhood trauma
It begins from pre-conception stage of mom & dad's behaviour .
""Mother" is the word of God by every child, "Father" is the hand of God."
This was told to me by a priest when I was committed for self harm. He wanted me to turn to a God that allowed for a child to feel such pain. To except the plan and suffering of children was part of that plan.
When a child learns that God doesn't love you it made things... difficult.
So, I broke faith with God and my parents.
@@wingit7335 👍❤
@@kineticstar ❤👍
yeah i never used to think "i hate myself." But after my divorce and getting away from a lot of toxic relationships, then moving states, I find myself now very alone. And difficult to trust people. And for the first time in my life, i find that thought creeping into my mind, "I hate me. I hate who i am. That i don't make sense. that nobody loves me." and it makes me want to die. Therapy, journaling, none of that helps. Meditation is my last shot at life, otherwise I''m going to end it. It's just not worth living feeling like this.
Come to Jesus Christ, my brother. Seriously. I don't know much about you, but it breaks my heart to see you talk like this. I've also suffered terribly due to things in my life and my own sinful choices. But Jesus literally saved me from eternal hell and hell on this earth. Please come to Jesus Christ. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Love you!!
Well, learn to be by yourself. There are substantial reasons for why you got away from them. Don't have to trust people immediately. First learn to trust yourself. Every man is eventually an island. Don't place your peace into someone else. Try to see it objectively. You no longer have to bear the burden of people who didn't love you in the first place. It's redemption. Try to feel it. Take a hobby. Find what makes you happy. It's relatively easy to fill the void people left. It's not easy to have them in life and not have them taint you with negativity.
Meditation helped me. It wasn't anything that helped overnight but after a long time I became comfortable with myself. When I just sit with those feelings and accept them they dissappear after a while. I hope you feel better. I hope you can get past this. When I finally got past the darkness a new feeling inside of me started to show up at random times. It was joy, excitement about life. It took a long time and I am still working on it. For me Meditation was the answer. Bless you.
Yes. This is exactly how it is for many of us. It took a cancer diagnosis for me to see the wrong that was done to me. It’s a very painful journey (I don’t like that word but never mind) but one worth taking nonetheless. It’s not as though you have a choice once you see things as they really are. That’s how it is for me anyway.
To the person reading this: Thanks for still being here ❤
A lot of this negativity is artificially produced and induced into society. Not just on kids but on parents, and it has been going on longer than your parents were kids too.
Modern society has been artificially made to struggle, because then it's too occupied from making things better. Every bit of 'progress' you've seen in your lifetime hasn't been progress, it's been regress maximized by the best technological advancement society can provide.
Woah - an insightful comment! Am I dreaming?
This makes me so sad because I have mostly overcome this but someone I care a great deal about hasn't. I can see how they're hurting, but they've worked very hard to push me away. Couldn't accept my support at all. Since they've started going to therapy, I hope they can figure it out.
Thank you for sharing this story ❤❤
Does your parents loving you counts?
Yes
And no
What if your parents love drugs & alcohol more then you? How is a child supposed to reconcile that?
@@itsmekari I don't think love is the right word there.
Very neat summarising in a short video , it says a lot .
Oh man this hits home, my parents where fine enough but everyone else wasnt.
Welcome to Gen X