Three CPTSD Behaviors that Push People Away
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- čas přidán 15. 06. 2024
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Survivors of abuse and neglect in childhood often struggle to form and maintain good relationships. Trauma can injure our capacity to connect, but the bigger problem is that we have trauma-related BEHAVIORS --sometimes subtle -- that push people away. In this video I talk about three common behaviors in adults with CPTSD, that could be blocking your ability to enjoy authentic, two-way connection with friends or potential partners.
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I've just come to the conclusion recently while watching all these videos about narcissism, I was one of the people also pointing my fingers outward. Studying learning all about the narc. But the narc ain't the problem. The fight begins within. I get it. I'm learning to Own it. And wanna shout it to the world. There is hope for me anyhow. I see the change. I am the change. Set boundaries, being aware of my emotions. RESPONDING. Amen. Thank you.
Great share, I to was lead to her teaching because of an old working relationship that I walked away from where the other had very clear emotional issues that were narcissistic... for some reason its yet to be cleared from my system so I am still tryin g to process it. For me as a person with a form of cptsd, I found certain relational issues have pattern, its usally the person struggling with their own narrsistic tendencies that usally ends up slowly hating me. Dialing in the whys, I think it's because of cptsd but more so my intolerance to N. behaviors... like hell no, I sleep good at night because I own my truth and calmly let be know which some people just can't handle because of their privilege and superiority tendencies. It's interesting how this can be an unconscious transaction. This video is great, with no prior long term counseling its refreshing to nail down obscure things or blind spots that happen but you can't consciously articulate them. Never give up friends! Feeling different is possible ✊🏼
I instinctively wanted to to argue with you while simultaneously agreeing so I think we are on the same page 😂🙃
@@frowniebrown86 I know what I need to do. Been procrastinating tho. Just holdin myself accountable out loud. My narc is so far off into denial of reality. Or absolutely thinks I'm really just unconscious. Blows my mind how See through. Been tryin to hug me lately. Even cooked for me. I have few bucks in my pocket. Thats all. She wants it. I guess my no contact/ Breadcrumbing her w intentions on getting away as soon as I can. I'm Responding. She's clueless to the damge she's done. I'm in the foggy zone picken up my self. Hah. Ps. I'm overcoming it. I'll be whole. Not there yet. But I see it comin.
@@405OKCShiningOn Ramani is a blast to listen to, she's like a mechanic who can take a motor apart and put it back to together, fast. In essence there is a method to the matrix with regard to the isness of mental health... heck Amazon can now predict when woman will be pregnant before woman do themselves... "how" we ask, people like the people listed tune the AI to read it.
Congratulations, sweetheart!
Early oversharing doesn't just turn people off, it leaves you vulnerable to a person using the information to abuse you
true.
I think the focus shouldn’t be on shutting abused people up, but on limiting the behavior of abusers so they don’t take advantage of those who do.
so early oversharing is a sign ?
@@blackswan4486 yes, but respectfully we can only control ourselves and our own behavior- we can choose to focus on trying to change abusers who take advantage, a course of action that will probably have very limited success, or we can know this is someone people do and protect ourselves. I didn't read her advice at all as 'shutting abused people up'. On the contrary, I viewed it as teaching people how to take back and protect their power by realising that a shortcut of connection via oversharing usually doesn't end the way they want it to. She said 'if you are talking about that stuff as soon as you meet someone' it's too much, and confirmed that it's 'totally important to share those things with people close to us' in an 'established relationship'. But end of the day, every random person you encounter doesn't need to know your entire detailed history, and it's just not safe. I have encountered people who have told me brutal, personal, intimate things about themselves apropos of nothing the first time I ever met them- I failed to see how it helped them or me (it was often triggering for my own trauma, in fact), and if I had been someone with a purpose to harm/take advantage it could have ended very poorly for them.
So true a coworker actually billed me after I shared some abuse I endured as a child and how I have flash backs.
Lol, raising a toast to all of us with CPTSD who don't know who to write down as an emergency contact. 🥂
:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
And how!
Omg I know EXACTLY what you mean and with the current state of healthcare cause I work in the toxic mess and I’m pushing 60 and not in good shape…. I hear ya and I’m scared sh!?less
Never Have!🤣🍻
lol. At all
My mom was horribly abused as a child, and she spent most of her life alone. I was abused as well, and going on a decade single now. It's amazing how your childhood affects your entire life and all your relationships. Everyone deserves a childhood they dont have to recover from.
Imagine a world of people raised in secure happy environments. We'd have heaven on earth! sigh
And here we are working on giving ourselves that ... thank goodness for CCF
@@annadonahue4119 she's helped me more than years of therapy has
@@curbesidenation Exactly!
So...
not doing a crap fit gets one labelled petty, a Karen, or a bitch.
My sister is Karen and I dispise the abuse of anyones name.
So this sedgeway tells me that anyone who expects a CRAP FIT is a problem person. Its on them, pass the shame Brene and let it be on the curser. 🎉😊
Walking away.😊
Happy.
This lady DESERVES an AWARD! She is clear, blunt and nurturing. I'm thankful I found this channel. 🙏🏾
So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I agree! The best of the best!
Same!
This has helped me more than years of therapy. Conventional therapists don't get it.
Me too. Because I have no one else to help me. Talk therapy doesn’t work for me either.
Pouring your heart out ends up also attracting dangerous abusive people
Exactly.
Bingo
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Why though?!
@@rainwilder3709 Because you reveal all of you deepest vulnerabilities and fears to strangers (pouring your heart out before you know someone well) or you do it to such a wide net of acquaintances that statistically someone is going to have a nefarious purpose, unfortunately. Brene Brown talks about this, too- not everyone deserves to hear your story (or needs to hear it).
Unfortunately true ☹️
Something i read today: Two things you never have to chase, true friends and true love.
Yes, not chase. But sometimes we do have to work on ourselves quite a bit to be a person others would want in their lives!
Dino F. Yup, but being aware now. For me. I find recognizing narcs, seeing the red flags, like being a defensive driver, having to pass them or go around, to avoid the inevitable. I actually have a couple narcs trying to continually communicate w me. I've already set the boundaries. But u know they are (narcs), denial, and these couple people anyhow just persist. Even though they know I know. They act like nothing ever happened. Like it's ok to them to try and continue to waste my time. I just keep steppin. Steer around them. I'm saying it's work. No new narc types in my life are going to get in. But a couple that had their tantrums, discarded me. Are back. Trying to test me. But I'm not allowing the garbage in. My perspective.
You can persue these things but them develop on their own. It's the rushing and forcing things that push people away. Think of it like a pant, if you water it as much as it needs it will grow healthy, if you over water or under water it will die.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy BE the person you wish to attract.
@@themysticmuse1111 NEVER worked for me ...... Yet I've tried, so going to listen to more of her info....
Oversharing provides manipulative people with all the information they need to gain control over your feelings. It’s actually very unsafe to overshare. I used to do that. Now I only confide in a safe therapist.
Wise words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
sigh .. I agree wholeheartedly But .. :( My last close friend passed away 5 years ago .. Since then .. I battle oversharing :'(
Or write it in a journal, and then re-visit and write back to that journal entry as your best friend would.
Be your own best friend. ❤
@FlyingMonkies325 american society is a shithole where everyone is afraid of each other, what do you expect
I never even knew how detrimental oversharing can be…Yeah, it’s great to have a therapist to avoid putting the mental garbage on random people or family members.
This is for everyone who tries. Who tries to learn, tries to grow, tries to respond kindly and wisely, tries to recognize their own issues instead of blaming everyone else. This is for everyone who tries to be their best even when they’re not feeling their best. I see you. I appreciate you. And I hope you know you make the world a better place, just by being you.
🦋🌱🌟
Thank you!
This is an excellent place to find myself!
Thank you
🙏💐
I appreciate your comment! 🌷
You are loved
Where were you when I was 20? At 64, I am finally learning these things, after a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Well, better late than never I guess! Thanks for these videos. They are very helpful and compassionate.
LOL, I was 13 -- would not have been very helpful to you then! Glad you're here now!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 😃
I'm so sad right now..I'm 52 and alone..I never realized what I was doing to push everyone away..I lost someone I dearly loved about a year ago and I will never be able to have that close relationship again. IT took me my whole life to find him my best friend the love of my life and I pushed him away too..
@@candydeaver4818 Candy I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. I do totally understand believe me. God bless you! 🙏🕊️💛🕯️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy LOL
So it's more than 3 things that I heard:
1. Don't share any details of your painful past with people you've just getting to know. Wait until you've known them awhile and piece-meal that information out in small bits when appropriate.
2. Don't be the one who always initiates doing things with others. It should be equal back & forth for invitations.
3. Get too wrapped up in what others are thinking & feeling. (Stop trying to "read their mind".)
4. When you feel rejected and hurt, don't flip into people-pleaser role. (Don't take crap.)
5. Black & White thinking : It's all my fault or not my fault at all. Apologizing too much and/or putting yourself down too much. Not noticing when something is your fault (being defensive instead of listening to how people feel but this doesn't apply to gaslighters/abusive people.) When people give you feedback, listen and then say that you'll think about what they've said.
Hello PC
Personally I think it's just easier to try and figure out a way through life involving others as little as possible. Live by yourself, try and find a job or way to make money where others involvement is minimal. This doesn't mean be a hermit and don't go out and talk to people, just keep people out of things that involve your personal space.
Thx cos my battery is going flat!!,🙋
Most of my friends don’t initiate getting together and use the ‘I know you’re busy and hate to bother you.’ So they wait for me to suggest something. Honestly, I get busy doing my own thing and then they are ‘hurt’ because I haven’t reached out to them. For friends and family, I’ve always been the cruise director in our relationship. It gets old and tiring.
Cool definitely not me with ALL of these 😬
I'm now 64 years old, I only actually 'learned' that I am a victim of horrific childhood abuse quite recently - I have never, ever been able to keep a 'friend'. Going back to school years I always ended up with bullying abusers. In fact most of the people I've met, or seem to 'gravitate' towards me have been abusers/takers. Either that or they never, ever stay in touch. I've met many who say all the cliché crap 'I'll call you next week' - then I never hear from them again! Plus, I've always been the one doing all the 'chasing'. Looking back, it seems quite desperate, I'm very lonely! I don't bother any more. I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be alone that keep chasing after 'fake' people!
Lots of our members felt that way and now have friends :) bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
Lee…I’m so sorry that you are lonely. There are friends out there somewhere waiting to meet you.
mfg. fawning. YES. Ive been so proud of noticing what a person feels/needs/wants before they do, and then fixing it for them. Yeah. Same crap I hadda do w my parents. Ai yi yi. Thank you so v much. Big new information
Sometimes they're not necessarily fake but possibly overwhelmed by our oversharing and lack of boundaries. I know that I now avoid people who are too chatty and open about themselves because I need to protect myself & my energy. However, in the same breath I can so often be that very same far too open over-chatty person & feel similarly saddened & rejected when I don't hear back from people. It's almost as though I deliberately set myself up for friendship failure!
I was a people pleaser and an appeaser all my life-to the age of about 45. At that point I started psychologicaly profiling people, as a defense mechanism. I was a live and let live person, but the revelation to me was that I deserved as much. I would rather be alone than be around people who make me feel alone.
"The people who can handle it, are the very people that are not very good for us to be around." This hit hard. I have spent most of my life looking for connections to only find that I wasted all my life surrounding myself with these types of people. I am glad I am learning but whew, it is lonely.
We have a great community in our membership program :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same
Yes very much so
Yes.
It’s kind of sad though. Who else is left to understand you?
This has plagued me most of my elder adult life. I was a pleaser when I was younger. Now i speak my mind and everyone hates it. I don't care now. I am okay with me, finally. I am not mean or caustic. I just speak the truth as I see it, and it really irks others. I also divorced myself from my story. So sick of it, and nobody wants to hear it. My story is the present moment only now. This is a good topic.
Ah, freedom! Congrats!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy After some thought, there really is just a day-to-day battle with the feelings and some days are better. I am not going to say I conquered anything but my reaction to the feelings. I don't panic or fully watch the video in my head. I do catch myself and remove myself. If that's healing, then I'll take it. I am working on the reactions to others, and the tip to think before speaking and taking just a moment to compose is gold.
I agree with everything you said. And it is freeing. Maybe it comes with age as well and more experience. I am never telling my story again as I am not defined by it any longer. You are doing exactly what you need to do so you can finally start to find some peace and happiness in this life.
@@mjrussell414 Thank you, Marilyn. I hope you are also finding peace.
“Divorced myself from my story”. Wow, I’ve never heard that phrase before. It’s genius!
There was a time when I practically introduced myself as an abused, unloved mess. “Hi, I’m a mess, now let’s be friends.” It was my whole identity. Wow, this is very helpful. We can be so blind to our crappy behaviors.
I know what you mean!
How is it crappy to be honest about your past? You’re not hurting anybody else.
@@blackswan4486 listen to the video.
@@charlottewhite1277 I’m already familiar with these theories. I don’t agree with them
Not crappy. That is your abuse still talking. We do these things as coping mechanisms in order to get our needs met.
You wanted to feel connection. That's it. We do this in maladaptive ways when we don't know better...when we do, we can try better and different things.
Your comment just shows how we can be still so unaware of how we talk to ourselves.
How can you be a empathetic friend to others when you are so callus to yourself and your past coping mechanisms?
My last boyfriend was a person who wanted to know everything about my trauma since day 1, and he embraced all my trauma since day 1. He also presented himself as a hero, a loving dad, a saviour who was ready to kill my loneliness. I cried of happiness (now I think I was limerent at the moment). I cried because I felt that was so good to be true... Well, it literally was TOO good to be true. The true was he slowly became a narcissist who finally discarded me and made me feel more abandoned than I ever felt before. I share this story because I think that limerent people needs to know that is NOT a good signal that someone embrace your trauma since day 1. Even if we feel abandoned or not attended enough, it's healthy and a good thing that someone don't care about your trauma the day you meet for the first time. It means that person has no interest in playing a part in your traumatic storyline.
Thanks for that insight, good points.
-Cara@TeamFairy
TY! Amazingly astute observation about relationship. Now, I want to permanently imbed that knowledge into my subconscious and conscious, available for immediate and automatic reference when meeting a new friend. Maybe add it to a checklist, a cheatsheet, of tips to review... maybe keep a written copy up over the visor so i can review it before I get out of my vehicle and head for any interaction with other people. 😉👍🌟
Do we have the same ex? I think we do! 😆 was his name Kenny? 😆
My first husband was like this. He wanted to know everything. At first it was fantastic until he turned all this info against me. Since then I have been very guarded about personal info.
This sounds like histrionic personality disorder. Like what Amber Heard is. They lavish you with attention and service and position themselves as the savior to all your problems. Then they slowly turn on you and use all your info against you.
The whole message of this is basically a lesson on how NOT to trauma bond with people. Many friendships of mine were built that way and those never truly last
@@FlyingMonkies325 if all of that stuff is happening in the gaming world maybe it's time to drop that for awhile. I completely get that irl is tough.
✌
I think you’re right it’s sad but true 😊
Just blew up a facade of a Thanksgiving by telling the abusers they no longer have the right to abuse me anymore. My husband and I spent a joyful and blessed holiday at home and it felt great.
Yay!
Update: For calling her out, (on a group text)- I knew there would be blowback.
I knew there would be a price to pay.
However, being that the focus of the family member over micromanaging every single aspect of everyone else's holiday is causing health issues all around- I feel we have broken new ground. Her verbal assaults via text are showing her desperation and insanity. She has indeed been exposed and has exposed herself, basically confirming her own borderline psychopathy.
There are 3 Narcs in the mix.
Our father has stage 4 cancer and is battling for his life. He wants the photo op.
The other 3 are the overt/covert Controlling maniacs.
One of them molested niece 2 Christmases ago.
She's still in counseling and her parents plan on confronting the offender "after Christmas".
When the ticking time bomb of a NPD alcoholic 41 year old golden child- finds out what HER husband did- she will deny, even though everyone else knows the truth.
I ran a bkgrnd on him and he has Felony ABHAN(assault and battery of high and aggravated nature) during an attempted burglary 8 yrs before they married in '06.
Certainly she knows this! She doesn't know that we know.
There are two lovely children they have together, whom I pray for and love dearly. I and another sibling have had to come to terms that they will not be a part of our lives as long as their mother and pervert molester father have them under their roof.
I so apologize for this long post.
I wanted to let you know how things have played out thus far.
I'm at peace with what I've done and ready to heal. I will not, as the oldest of four sisters fake another holiday just to appease my father. His illness is severe. He still lashes out, but far less frequently than before. As one of a large team of support for him, I've also told him he doesn't get to call the shots and he is not allowed to abuse me.(Just because he is sick)
So, he's reigned it in. I am not ashamed.
@@howlingwaters2741
"You Go Girl"
I had something similar happen in the last few days... I just turned 66 on "Thanksgiving"
I have been Hypnotherapist and help people all the time... but when it comes to some family members... the past and their problems they do no want even try to fix... has gotten to me... way too much this year.
In the last 24 hours... I have said things to certain people that I wanted to say for over 50 years.
I'm tired of putting out little fires, and trying to make someone/everyone happy by keeping my mouth shut.
There is apart of me as a (Hypnotherapist) that says, I should have just walked away "One more time"... and Stayed away...
... BUT when someone, especially younger, that drinks and does recreational drugs, (feels) it is OKAY to disrespect me, and even cuss at me.... then I would say, we TEACH people how to treat us.
If I continuously allow them to belittle me, verbally, mentally or emotionally... then I am teaching them it is "Okay" to treat me this way. A person can only walk away so many times, or ignore these kinds of people.
The BEST thing is... to REMOVE yourself for good.
The Dam has a crack... and I'm the one who cracked it.
"Let the Games Begin".
P.S.
... I know that I have probably hurt some relationships to the point of no return... and this saddens me, I'm just too tired (at this age) to pretend everything is okay, when it's not. I am not saying it is okay to fight with anyone, that is the last thing I want to do with anyone, especially a family member... but enough is enough. I have no doubt that our relationship is severed with just this one verbally altercation... unfortunately.
HINT: Do not lose yourself or get upset with anyone that is doing drugs or alcohol even excessive overeating... You can not help or change someone until they want to change. .... Walk away. Stay away... Run.
@@judichristopher4604 Nice job. I think Jesus would agree, at least Luke thought so in 9:4: And in whatsoever place ye shall enter, and they receive you not, in my name ye shall leave a cursing instead of a blessing, by casting off the dust of your feet against them as a testimony, and cleansing your feet by the wayside.
@@camiestockhausen2070 Oh, yes indeed. Casting off like the dust off our boots( the straps of which are busted by all the years of being ordered to pull ourselves up by, lol) Helps me deal with the Spiritual aspects of turning away.
Our own healing, as @Crappy Childhood Fairy has noted before- causes a shift in the dysfunctional dynamic that can make some of your loved ones uncomfortable.
I have alerted them in the past " you are going to see some changes in me that may not feel so good to you. Please trust me to attend to my healing the way I see fit.
Liberating!
And *You Go Girls/Guys * to everyone.
This is a cool place.
I use to have the issue of confiding in people too quickly. I learned that by doing that it put me in a position of deeper hurt. It was like losing a trusted friend as opposed to someone I barely knew.
ooooOOOOOH!! Thank you, shit makes so much sense now. Fuck😂
A good method for me is measuring how close I am with someone by how much I know about them and not just with how much I've shared with them. If I focus on actually learning about someone, it's easier to get out of my own funk as I have to make an effort to pay attention and hold onto what they say.
@@jordanferguson2254 ha ha ha love your sense of humour! 😂 Sometimes I read comments like this and wonder how things panned out for that person?! Hope it went well and your farther in your healing journey!
@@channyl252 Glad I could make someone laugh, hahah. And yes, yes I am 🦅 Hope you're doing well in life too 🍀
Hoping good fortune will be your companion for the rest of your journey...and sweet dreams to ease you of your pain
MY Notes:
1. Do not get real with people from the start about your trauma or your relationship with them is busted, most likely you will be a victim. Stay confident, earn each other's trust, build the relationship and only dose out this information along a huge timespan. Do not let it out at once to someone you barely know.
2. Do not be a people pleaser, over apologizer, you might love bomb people without them knowing and it feels yucky, phony and off putting for the other person. Instead take a more detached approach, not so overly focused on one person, keep your autonomy and keep your options open to multiple people. If someone does not respond to your love and kindness and attempts at bridging the relationship, try meeting more people, do not beg for love, do not chase, do not cling. It has to be a 2 way street.
3. Acknowledge you are neither a victim, nor an abuser. Give up black and white thinking and realize you are human, you make mistakes, but you are not at fault for everything and makimg mistakes is totally normal. Do not swing between: "others are the problem, not me" to "i am always the problem". Instead take a grey, neutral approach.
Thank you! 🙏 ❤
That's good advice. We g9tta have the same boundries as other people. Self preservation is important, and we should respect ourselves in abSOULution. And expect nothing from anyone, and dont let their expectations exceed what is mutually beneficial.
When people are rude, harsh, critical, or argumentative, recognize it’s not really about you and resist the urge to react emotionally. Don’t allow their behavior to dictate your mood or steal your peace
Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them
Amen
Another awesome comment, Amy, please keep sharing...we need your Wisdom and your Love...
@@louisetaylor6952 awww thank you ❤️
Unless you saying no to respecting others boundaries or arguing against their need for space..
Speaking nothing but facts💯
1:33 "Loneliness is the number one symptom of early childhood trauma." Wow.
I’m 60 and about 10 years ago I said out loud “I’ve been lonely my whole life!” It was an epiphany. My mother was a broken child who didn’t have a clue how to raise children and didn’t know how to value us as little people. She was never mean, ever, she just didn’t engage with us or prepare us for the world. Emotional neglect. My father told me that when the next baby came along, the toddler before was forgotten. It’s the little things like, teach your child what it means to be a friend. I was never taught anything, and I noticed in my 50’s that I’ve had a long line of friends eventually leave my circle...because of me. I attract broken friends. I become their counselor-confidant. Then, I get upset over time that I don’t have “normal” friends. I start to resent the counselor role. It makes sense though, because I wasn’t listened to as a child. Being “counselor” to broken friends makes me feel listened to & valued. I have a difficult time accepting people for who they are, yet I’m full of flaws. I’m always looking for other women to validate me. Whatever interest or hobby you have, I will take that on too, so I can be with you. I have no passion or goals of my own. This got quite expensive over a 10 yr. period, as my bf was a vintage jewelry collector..so naturally I took that on as well. I’m an empty nester now, married 33 yrs. I’m finding that I’m struggling more now. It’s more difficult to find and invest in friendships. The friends I do have would be shocked if they knew. They see me as confident & happy. I live a private life of pain in my head. I wasted my best years and all I can do is go forward one day at a time.
@@janethagen3385 My mom didn’t know how to mother us either. She never helped me with schoolwork (which I desperately needed) or taught me anything but she was quick to criticize when I made mistakes. She just expected us to know things we couldn’t possibly know without the guidance of a parent. She also cooked good, hot dinners every night, kept our home clean, made sure we had clean clothes and clean sheets on our beds. She created a pleasant home environment but I do remember feeling lost socially most of the time growing up. I coped by using my intuition and felt like I had a inner presence comforting me, like a guardian angel I guess you could say. That developed into a spiritual awakening and faith that helps me create a happier life today. It’s been the thing that I credit with saving my sanity and helping me develop into a much more confident person. Age helps too😄😄😄
@@janethagen3385 I can so relate to what you said: your mother did not engage with her children and didn’t prepare them for the world. That was my father described perfectly.
@@tamarabradshaw4799 I can totally relate to your story as well.
@@janethagen3385 These are your best years now ...
The saddest part for us products of an abusive childhood is that we shall never know the people we would/should/could have been given the right mix of love and attention without abuse of any kind. Whilst it is possible to let go, one can never erase memory. We can never replace the painful memories with happy ones.
We can find out we have a lot more than we thought!
-Cara@Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I suppose life is short and there is no time to dwell on what might have been. I know I have a lot of empathy for people having experienced so much crap!
Exactly, well said. Ive often thought to myself if only i could have an eraser. A brain eraser or reset button. How much better I could be. Yet i wouldnt want to give up the valuable lessons on just how ugly, deceptive, and harmful those you think you should trust are as well as those I dont. I trust no one I dont communicate with anyone. I dont go anywhere. I just keep to myself. And my dog. Ive learned to be alone and let nobody in. Thats where Im safest. People are so ugly. Deep down in their core they are ugly, greedy and cant be trusted.
you might as well have just let me say what you dig, because they come from the same mind/heart set place.
@@rhondanelson2669 wow gal, at first i thought you were being harsh, defeatingly doomsdayish even. but then i realized i've said many the same things a lot my whole life as well. yeah its real sad for us all but i cant say i blame ya.
Everything makes sense! I tend to over share. I have gotten much better, but I’m starting to withdraw more and more. I had an abusive narcissistic mother then I married a covert narcissist who I was with for 30 years. I went no contact with my mother over 5 years ago and left my spouse a few months ago. I’m a good person and easily liked, but honestly I’m just tired, tired of dealing with my trauma, loss, and loneliness. God help me and give me strength 🤲🏻
I hope you're doing so much better. I wish you well. ❤
🙏🏻💙Thinking of you and praying you’ll find the strength- I’m sure you will, God bless love from UK💙🙏🏻 x x
You got this!!
@@ca6248 it’s been almost 2 years since I left him and it’s been a struggle but I am doing much better 🤲🏻. Thank you 💕
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
When being told by someone I don’t have to say sorry, instead of continuing to apologize I have learned to say thank you instead. It keeps the interaction positive and acknowledges the other person.
Love yourself, set bounderies, don' t put other people's disfunctions above your health and hapyness.
This. 💗👏
Best advice E.V.E.R.
Also learn to spell happiness
Bea vizcara, if this is the only flaw you find to what i write or do...thank you!
Facts
I became the lost child in my family. And also have PTSD from childhood. What I learned to do the best is just withdraw. I'm an introvert so withdrawing my feelings became easy. Around 20, I started feeling angry. I was just angry at the world. I then started to grow and I kept taking small steps. I finally forgave my father and found it freed me up. I'm 73 and still growing. It doesn't stop thank goodness. I grown to find happiness and figure out who I am. That was many years ago that happened, and it keeps getting better.
Thanks need to hear this right now
I am also 73 and still learning. I was bullied as a child so intimidation is my enemy. I am a caregiver at heart and chose the relationship that needed fixing. Doesn't work. I am single now and have found joy.
I was the lost child of my family also. I was the middle child who tried to stay out of the trouble my older and younger siblings created. I tried to be the good child by learning from their mistakes. Growing up I was closest to my dad and he was my role model. We grew up poor, or maybe we were just victims of the economy back then. I remember that we would have to visit relatives or friends when we had no food in the hopes that they would feed us. I also recall weekends and holidays we kids would wake up and mom & dad would be gone. We had no idea where they went or what time they would be back. As was usually the case there was no food in the house we could fix to eat as we were barely school age and back then there were no microwaves or frozen meals (I’m in my 60’s). So we would wait until they got home to eat. Sometimes it was well into the evening before they came home. We could have possibly scraped enough change together for something to eat if we had transportation but we lived in a rural community that was being newly developed so there was nothing close enough to us that we could get to on foot to buy food even if we could find enough money.
My mom knew that I was closer to my dad and I always felt this offended her and as a result she seemed to take out her frustrations on me. The abuse was mostly emotional but did tend to get physical on occasion and it was usually over petty things that my siblings were as guilty of, if not primarily guilty of but they were always spared the punishment I would experience.
I grew up thinking I was the problem. That something was wrong with me so I had no self confidence and was an easy target for bullies in school. As I got older I disassociated from myself and and my emotions. Went from being a shy child to an introverted adult. I’ve never had any friends and had no interest in relationships of any kind. I was married a couple of times and each time I did marry it was due to being pressured by society norms and my mom. The marriage I am in now was set up by my mom but I was in my 30’s when I married this last time and have remained in this one.
As I continue to grow up well into my elder years I am no longer shy or an introvert but have instead realized I suffer from or developed schizoid personality disorder. I cannot process emotions the way most people do. I don’t outwardly feel anything, not happy, unhappy, sad, grief, friendly, unfriendly, or any other emotion. My life is a flatline as there is nothing I can honestly say that I enjoy except to be left alone. I regret my spouse has to deal with someone who cannot share love. I see a lot of my mother in me because as we both got older and I was living my own life we began to talk more and I realized that she too had a hard childhood which I believe caused her to have the same personality disorder that I do. As time went on we became extremely close and I was her caregiver in the last years of both hers and my dads life. They did the best they could for us as kids and in the end that’s all anyone can do. I loved them both dearly but even as much as I did love them I was not emotional towards them. When decisions had to be made concerning their care I made them reasonably and analytically. I miss having them to talk to and even grieve the loss but to see my reactions to their passing one would probably wonder if I was related to them because all my emotions are internalized and I don’t let anyone see those. Not even my spouse or my children really see’s what is in my heart. No one can. I am alone with me and there are very few that are close to me, and even those who are close never really see my heart.
@@riversong6216 ❤️
@@riversong6216 It would be helpful if you could start to share your feelings in a reflective way to your husband and children... and hopefully feel a little better understood. It may help your children and grandchildren have a healthier life, too. Holding it all within yourself, tends to also affect your children because they often don't have a roll model to help with expressing their feelings and emotions appropriately. My Mom was like that alot. We didn't much talk about personal stuff. Made it hard for me to relate. My Dad was abusive when he drank. He had a rough childhood too. I fell into the same pattern, until I got out of that relationship. I have struggled for years now at trying to be more open with my kids. I think that has helped at least two of them cope better and are looking forward to their futures. One is still struggling and learning day by day. My tipping point was losing my one son to suicide. It opened my eyes that each child needs to feel connected, safe, loved, worthy and known. As a mother, sharing and respectfully showing our emotions and feelings is probably one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children. If we can share them also with our partners, even better. Late is better than never. Although, it is too late for the one that is already gone. So brokenhearted at losing my son. That pain will be something I will forever carry. I loved him so much.
I am not able to take criticism from others. It destroys me. I have been abused and mobbed too much in my early days. Years of therapy couldn`t change the fact that I feel safe only when I am alone and don't have to cope with other people. I can function at work because I can play the role of the nice, easy-going working colleague who doesn't go on other peoples' nerves. But that is straining and as soon as I get home, I shut the door behind me and feel my inner peace.
Try out the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl, it may help :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You sound like you've found a way of coping for a while anyway, wouldn't it be worth finding a professional to process your traumas with? It might prevent problems arising in the future.
I feel this too. Like i have to put on mask i mean of experience even people who cared abt you don't really care that much it drains them or i just never met people with same level empathy who can listen because i can listen while they're not.
I've listened to thousands of videos, lectures from psychologists and even books on childhood trauma but no one and I mean no one as of yet has ever put how I feel and think at times so clear like this lady....ur a true fairy. Thank you.
Appreciate your support of the channel, thank you so much :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Because she lived it not just read about it
I personally love that she encourages people to look at themselves too, not just everyone else. Makes a big difference when we're able to be objective. ❤
I've been so used to being on my own for so long I'm used to it and enjoy the silence. One thing I've learned is people are snakes with two faces
Ik.ik..
Me too
I just gave up on relationships, it's EASIER
Me too happy and safe
What Peter says of Paul says more about Peter.
Careful how you shut others out there Ciaran.
@@johntuohy8007 I get your point but am happy this way at least if anything goes wrong it's only you to blame. I'm straight to the point so either you like me or hate me
Self reliance is the only sure thing you have. Lived 60 years and learned that hard lesson.
1:31 - Loneliness gets leaky
4:40 - Overly other-focused
7:08 - Not clear when it's just you
:)
Thank you I was looking for this. A recap at the end of the video would have made it clearer in my mind. They all relate to clearer boundaries between me and not me.
Thank you! 🎄
1. Our loneliness gets leaky. It makes us seem needy. We dominate interaction. Sharing too much. Pouring your heart out too much. Share only a little bit shared over a period of time.
2. We get overly "other focused."
3. Lack of clarity. Black and white thinking. Apologizing too much. Putting yourself down. Don't overthink. Respond. Truth and Caring that is how friendships grow. Don't give up!
Those are my notes :). Hoping for a good healing journey for everyone who needs healing!
Oversharing is also a sign of adhd, particularly in women. Chatty, trouble with memory and focus, and over- sharing.
When I was a teenager and first left home, for years I would start telling the trauma stories as soon as I met people and everyone would run a mile and I could never understand why. 20 years later, it all makes sense, lol.
Aw, that poor teenage kid (you, then), just trying to say what was happening. But here you are! Glad you made it.
I always thought it was a test. If they know right away what’s wrong with me, it will save us all a lot of time (because, of course, I feel they will leave as soon as they find out about it all).
I think that is very wrong for people to behave/react that way. Morally wrong.
Anonymous Informer Is it morally wrong not to jump into the water to save a human being when you can't swim yourself or are not a rescue swimmer?
As much as I wish we all would live up to more moral/ethical standards I often observe how morality gets in the way of kindness and compassion. That doesn't serve the moral purpose and it doesn't support those in need.
Over sharing too soon was my mistake, however, I’m also noticing the double standards by would be friends and I’m so glad I escaped them. Recently I made a play date with a mom and her kids with my two and did a little over sharing but realized she also made some “new friendship mistakes herself” (she later ignored my texts) She was a gossip and before I had a chance to say anything other than Hi, she proceeded to explain how she didn’t like so and so and overshared why and how her bakery shop cupcakes were also gross so let’s go somewhere else, she even apologized at the end of our play date for her children’s “behavior” saying her kids didn’t talk enough. I had to disagree. They were lovely and didn’t do anything wrong. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and not judge her for her character flaws and blaming her own kids for doing nothing wrong. My instincts tell me she didn’t like that I overshared but by the other side of the coin I was willing to overlook hers and looking back I’m glad I dodged the hypocrite.
1. Our loneliness gets “leaky” - we can become “needy” and sharing too much of our story with people we’ve just met. Try not to overshare when you first meet somebody. Be measured with little bits of your story and have equal give and take in the relationship.
2. We get overly “other-focused” - getting wrapped up in what the other person is thinking and feeling and not what we are thinking and feeling (aka fawning). Real friendships never require taking crap or abandoning yourself as a means to cope; real friendship requires your presence.
3. Having a lack of clarity when “it’s just you”. You are unable to see your role/responsibility in problems by blaming yourself too much or denying any responsibility at all. This black and white thinking is a way of checking out of reality. eg. Apologising too much when the other person says you don’t need to or seems uncomfortable.
Address it by letting go. Telling everybody the contents of what’s in your mind can be off putting, you don’t need to blurt out your fears every time you make a mistake in an attempt to get other people to make you feel less fearful.
Be open to criticism, but not immediately taking it into your heart as truth. Analogy: Take a moment to “listen on the porch” and respond before immediately letting it “into the house”.
TYSM for transposing this!! Bless you 🙏
You’re an angel x
Thanks for writing this!!
Thank you. I wish they'd get to the point in these videos, this one not as bad as some.
Aaaamen. Please believe. BREATH.
I'm guilty of all of these. What further complicates my situation is I'm on the autism spectrum, which means I've been masking my entire life to try and fit into society. I learned early on that my natural way of being drove people away, so I watched others and how they interacted with each other and mimicked that. I got so good at it that nobody who knows me believes I'm on the spectrum. But that caused me to fall into many of these traps you're explaining, like people pleasing, being overly concerned with other people, copying their ways, joining into their interests, etc. It's overwhelming to people and has the opposite effect of what I need. I'm 57 years old and still trying to figure it all out.
@Heesun It always helps to know there's someone else out there who gets it. At least we know we're not alone. I recommend a channel by Olivia Hops. It has helped me a lot.
I relate to your story so much
Exactly my case, to be perfectly honest by keeping to myself I do not get hurt or needy until someone pressured me to get closer the reality is that what I need is only a little bit of friendship but to get that bit ones has to practice the above, .... I learned on the hard way that people do not expect us or me to tell them all about my life I felt if I would not speak about my life there would not be connection which was a dreadful mistake things are complicated, when I tend to be a bit aloof and I do make effort to make friends it seems it works better than when I make an effort. I think people tend to feel attracted to those who are out of reach or takes a bit of work ... I remember at school as soon the class was over I just run to catch the bus, never attended any extra social events with my classmates never invited anyone to my house, i liked to seat at the top of the class observing all, I would speak little lough a lot and that was it.... the amount of the girls who wanted to be my friends was extraordinaire to be honest some would chase me ... now that I try to have connections it does not work .... so I will go back to my old self and that would apply with family too even with my mother. I call her quite often, recently discovered that she does not have my phone number she never asked me she never called me for 10 I think she has said it all time to move on.... if we try to change without professional guidance we will make horrendous mistakes I hope my comment makes some sense I struggle putting my words and meanings together.
@@madeleine2307 I can relate to so much of what you're saying. Just know you're not alone, sometimes just knowing that helps a little.
@@JaneSmith0709 Thank you Jane, it helps a lot , not alone thanks to you xx
Learning what are your own problems versus what is someone else's problems is very helpful.
Yes!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Number one trait that pushes people away...honesty
:)
So true
Correct.
Really? I don't see that. Surely it only pushes away people who are afraid of the truth?
@@simeonmorris1774 whether they afraid of it or not it still pushes them away
Omg I am cringinggggggg at myself. I have done all of this. Also, this woman is absolutely brilliant.
Sameeeeee!!!!!!!
Raising hand. Same too. Now I must work on shame and regret I’m now feeling. Makes me want to withdraw.
@@sagaciouslysage9454 That is the devil after you.
@@saran.4001 a”devil” being after me is not in my personal belief system. I find such a thought to be terribly unhealthy and spooky. Perhaps you didn’t mean that comment literally.
Wait....get out of my head!!!!!! 🤯 😭
for me, I believe I was desperately looking for someone to save me from my awful family environment. I wanted to matter to someone. once I began to educate myself about npd abuse, I was able to begin healing. its been a long road. 🙂
Me too
I must say - I am getting YEARS of therapy gains from your videos, Fairy. I mean - WOW! I love how you break down these basic skills that most of us with CPTSD missed because of our trauma - and you do it with kindness and truth and realness. THANK YOU!!!
Had a mentally ill, narcissitic mother and it still affects me and I'm 62. She passed away in '09, but I still struggle with the trauma of her emotional abuse.
I had a similar mother Im 67 and I still struggle with it too, and Im so tired of it
Same!
Understand Patty. Im.thrre with you. Hugs
Same here. When that happens ALL your life,it is hard to forget and let go. I let go but when reminded in conversations with others it is hard not to be triggered. Hate the saying "just let it go".. Also hard to let it go WHEN IT IS STILL HAPPENING! Hard to get away from YOUR OWN FAMILY.
me 2
Sometimes it’s better to keep things to yourself.
What about Mike Lindell who was an addict then became successful? Isn't that a great way to give up to those on the bottom? That they can do it.
@@Sarah-bn1hg Not sharing at work is great!
I keep to myself now and dont share because I've done that in the past to have it used against me. So it makes me not trust. And I'd rather do that then fear it being used against me again.
Some things can't be unheard or unspoken. True, that. And without a healthy relationship to allow for the vulnerabilities , and to support them and the other person, it can crash right in on itself before it has a chance to get started.
Ppl.who push you away is because of reasons they only knew about. Which also enables them to create false, and harmful lifelong pain.the isolation comes from the same source. The abuse came from
Our system of preference, wealth, and high society.
I know who I am, and now know why. Realization of a double standard, and cold hearts, cruelty, isn't something you can just put a bandaid on. Extremism vs. innocence.
Psychology is used to disguise the damage done to others.
A very useful tool on children, as seen today. Fact.
Do not presume rumors are true. Only the abilities and resourcefulness by the competition.
I've never heard someone directly describe these behaviors -- period! I am smiling and nodding my head because I realize why I caused myself so much pain, blaming others for "doing something to me." Maybe they were rude or unkind --- but my reaction was what made me so unhappy and obsessed.
It is just very difficult to not to overwhelm others when you are in need of serious help, because you lack old time friends, and you are in a threatening situation. It is also very difficult not to be angry. But you are absolutely right, and these are things we need to understand.
Just don't expect normal people to understand, because the cannot and do not want to understand. They couldn't care less about you. If you are autistic, they can and will abuse you and mock you behind your back.
Learned a long time ago no one can handle me. It's just easier to be alone.
Ok and now you have another long time to heal yourself so they can.
You have to change your inner voice and stop overthinking and above all stop caring about others to a point where you put yourself out of the way. Actually stop caring for anyone, only care about yourself for a year, be greedy, be rude and inconsiderate to save yourself. Soon after you will find a balance.
That’s such a shame/ we ALL need to be more tolerant of others and of ourselves …………. If one is looking for a perfect person: then everyone would be alone. I’d say: it’s just unfortunate that you haven’t come across someone that is genuine; caring and kind. Don’t give up!!!! There are understanding people still in this world …………….
I agree....no one to please.
@@edmundf.kuelliiispiritualn2963 why? Why should she have to change so they like her? Maybe she should just get more accepting friends.
i only really feel lonely when I am around people. And I feel distracted and like I should be somewhere else. Its a funny thing...
Totally get it.
I agree and feel the same way
Maybe you looking for your tribe? They're not your clique.
@@Yellow-Rose Actually what I have learned over decades is that humans group together in networks for either quality of life issues (ie: help) or for survival (need). I grew up as a military brat. Every 3 years any bonds with people were broken. You belong to a community in the looses definition of that term. You stop at a certain age ...investing in people. You don't take things personally and the separations after a while stop hurting. You even become this way with family. Communities are like "net-works." Like a web, where everybody has a station and if you are a wave-maker or plan to do something different it puts stress on the web of people who are dependent or interdependent. Very independent people usually don't get on with those systems because the constraints of belonging... limit what we want to do. The particular type of liberty or freedom that we want/need scares people who like security, stability and predictability. Typically when we are "found out" we are soon expelled or we run away. Don't miss understand. I like people ( but I fear them). I have a heart of service- but I am objective and goal oriented. I am not selfish. I have just discovered that you can either have people or you can have freedom. You can't have both at the same time. I personally prefer freedom and lucky me that I can actually have it and pay what ever it cost. I don't need/want favors that need to be paid back. I can pay for the services that I need. The thing that makes me feel a little lonely is that it is not something I have found that others value. It is extremely unusual for a woman to be this radical. I am totally UN-tribal.when I was a kid, my family thought that It was odd that I was uncomfortable with the idea of dating. my other siblings did date...I always thought that it was stupid to be living at somebody else expectation, by declaration. I always thought that it was stupid to give away your freedom as a young person. I always wondered why do that?
@@lynnehood2198 By tribe I guess I meant people who share common interests. Thank you so much for such a wonderful response. "You can either have people or have freedom"- very interesting! It may sound dramatic that I want to move away from the small town community that I was raised in bc everyone expects me to assimilate and become another clone. Obey or be publicly stoned. I don't want to live my life from a template. Friends, it's hard to make close friends that I can confide in/trust. Seems certain people only want certain things from me, and if I don't give it to them, they drop me. It's parasitic. I've learned how to better protect my heart. Don't share too much personal info with people who will use "dirt" against you, even though you just wanted to help them by commiserating and sharing your own personal experiences. It will be used against you. You may detect a little bitterness but it's for good reason. I'm still recovering from a horrible smear campaign which almost led to a nervous breakdown. May I ask what you do for a living, or if you have a blog or something?
The "criticism" from others can be the continuation of the abuse that caused the CPTSD in the first place if it concerns particular people/relatives and their enabler-friends (who also have "skeletons in the cupboard" to hide). This mistreatment which was a cause of the Cptsd in the first place can continue into adulthood by the same people if they are not stopped (& even disengaged with). It's much harder with family members who you might be emotionally embroiled with & who are problematic & have hidden their behaviours from others all their lives, they have a lot invested in keeping the abuse going & silencing the sufferer, thus continuing the cptsd.
Loneliness makes us appear needy. We dominate the conversation with our stories. But for friendship to blossom there has to be give and take, reciprocity. In a new friendship, if you start telling your trauma stories, this may not be appopriate. It may all come out too intense.
I have a bad habit of burning bridges. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to relationships. I honestly believe that I can't relate others, and vice versa.
That belief could be changed... for a start..
Sometimes its seems all the social media and tech devices are a wall and not condusive to relationships. Back in the day, people had to actually commnicate face to face warts and all.
Your belief becomes reality.
@@franwebb7756 so true.
I bomb the bridges from above
I have isolated myself. I’m done trying. Much happier alone.
Whatever is honest for you is great!
I agree! My god it's like a prison break!😂😂😂
I have gotten that way also, Tacy! I love my husband, but other people are self-absorbed and indifferent! Just love my alone time!!!
I agree with you. Would I prefer to be in a relationship? Yes. But
I never know if it is me or if it is them that is the problem. And you get tired of trying.
.
@@francesbethodendahl8527 I’m 67 and feel the same, but with grandchildren now in my life I’m trying to learn how to be more me, the person I want to be, I’m trying very hard to put the past behind me. Love to you as you mice forward with your life. Take pleasure in the beauty of nature and focus in the beauty around you, gardening is my salvation.
As someone with autism and recently diagnosed cptsd I am blown away by this video 😅😅😅 I’ve learned so much in 12 minutes! Thankyou so much x
Yay!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thankyou so much x I can’t wait to learn more how to help myself x
I recently discovered I'm Autistic (at the level that used to be called Aspergers), and upon learning more about this neurodevelopmental dysfunction, I recognize it in both my parents and at least two of my three sisters. Reflecting on how I was raised by unknowingly Autistic parents and how i now respond (react) to certain situations, I might be carrying emotional childhood trauma as well.
"Knowledge is Power." Learning the root cause will lead to a better understanding of the symptoms and what approach to take from Here onward.
I thought I was autistic for over the last few years but now I am considering if it is not childhood ptsd. Might be both, I am not sure yet. But I find that there might be a lot of overlap of another explaination for certain things that I had described to autism before.
Wow, thank you for describing fawning. I feel like I’ve led so much of my life stepping into relationships trying to uncover the other persons traumas where there may be none, as a point of connection. The people that I have felt closest to in my life are ones that have deep traumatic wounds and like a moth to a flame, I would knowingly or unknowingly seek out friendships and romantic connection based on our shared trauma. When I feared I was not connecting, I would fawn and unknowingly project my anxiety’s on them by asking questions that in hindsight may have been overwhelming. Time to become a hermit!
And for remantic relationships it tends to form trauma bonds because we felt deeply connected with that person, then being entangeled in rollercoaster patterns...😫
"It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly SICK society." Krishna Myrti. I'm not the one who is sick. I' m the result of what happens in a sick society.
I totally agree! I feel i dont fit in this society i dont belong here! I spend time alone channeling about alchemy science, stratosphere and his holographic proyections, biochimical process, cosmic frecuency and how it works the universal mechanism etc. People think im crazy and weird but i dont care at all! I am who i am :)
I agree we are a result of that. Now I am trying to do what a healthy society would be.
Even if I am already fuck up :)
@@alejandramarquez6804 Exactly 💯 👏!!!
@@alejandramarquez6804 We all are 🙃🤙🤙
It's just better to be alone, I've worked on this too much and it's just better to be alone.
Understood. There are many other here who feel the same.
Everyone has the right to live in whatever way makes them feel better, but from time to time, it would be wise to ask yourself, is the difficulty of connecting with others still worse than being alone, or has being alone become more painful than trying to break out and connect would be?
@@brianarbenz7206 Good point.
The Sound Of Silence ..... has been with me ...all my life...
You took the words right out of my mouth
I had a crappy childhood but I became a people pleaser. I developed solid friendships that are longterm. My friends saved me from unkind decietful family.
I've never heard fawning used like this before, but it makes so much sense. Once you said it, I realized I was confusing fawning with what I thought was love, and believing I was there for the other person, when really I wasn't. Or trying to pacify them by fawning in certain situations. Feels like a weight has been lifted again, thank you :)
I've been on the receiving end of fawning and it is suffocating. I just need my space. I hate it when these people are watching me all the time and sometimes I am unaware of it as I don't have eyes in the back of my head and prefer to be focused on speaker in a talk or teacher in a class not everyone else apart from maybe my neighbour.
Fawning includes wanting to help someone with something and refuses to take 'no' for answer. That isn't love. It's cruelty especially when the fawner messes up the assistance with a task. I knew somebody like that and gave in only to have to snatch my bicycle back because he was pushing it along in the gutter over broken glass or dragging my bag along the floor or ground by the shoulder straps when he could have held it by the shorter hand strap or carried it on his shoulders. It was a head game he liked to play because it riled people up whether they gave in to him or not.
Most relationships are a lot more trouble than their worth.
Humans are inherently social. So it's part of the gig.
@@camilledvorak7151 you have a point but so does he there's just some people you can't have in your life because of the drama that they bring and they bring their negative energy to you and they're stressed to you and sometimes you just have to let them go.
@@bellie8009 absolutely
That’s why dogs exist.
@@tactstreams1917 your funny...but right 😊
I must be really screwed up because I've been alone all my life even with people around me.
Me too. Loneliness is much worse with people around you.....
@@gj769 Just sending you out a hug and a kiss✌🌻😘
@@loveistruth5713 Ahhhh sending you it straight back....
Me too...its such an awful dark and empty feeling. It doesnt even matter how many ppl surround me.. If im alone or amongst a crowd, i feel just the same.
I went through this until I forgave myself for the actions of others and learned to love myself and know my worth.
This is so helpful. As someone who often feels like they're thinking irrationally, having someone spell out how our behaviours may be harmful is so so so needed.
Glad it was helpful. You are not alone in this. Jack@TeamFairy
Over sharing or sharing too much or Not being aware of boundaries is a big problem for me. Reparenting myself and learning to validate myself and quit looking to other people for that validation is where I am at. It is hard is your stressed or overtired.
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I mess up! I was talking to much about my past at the moment I felt safe with women in a party. Not only I lost the opportinity to show my kind and funny side, but Some of people at work used those trauma against me. So I had to quit my job. I learned "My stuff is just mine" 😵❤
Aw, that's sad. I'm sorry! You can keep practicing!
Good point. I have recently decided my story no longer defines me so I vowed never to tell it to another new person again. Time to move on, and try to learn how to live a happy and fulfilled life. Finally.
I think it’s a great idea to channel the story into art or writing. You can still share it that way without reliving it over and over with every new friendship
I messed up too. I let everyone at my church know about my abuse and now I have no close friends and everyone seems to pity me. I live in a small town, so I’d literally have to move to make friends.
@@rubytuesday7653 I figured I can use the experience to teach my kids how to be normal and not do that. Lol I am okay with my mistakes as long as it doesn’t effect my kids.
I'm 72 and only found out by chance, scrolling through CZcams feed that I'm a ChildhoodPTSD survivor.
I always was messed up, I thought it was me being the failure that I was always told i was.
I've transcended loneliness - Solitude is my constant companion. With my family and friends, I never get what I really want. Warmth, connection, and time to relax and be real.
Everyone busy, no time.
Thanks for being here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am 62 and totally resonate with your struggles too. What I find helps is having friends with a love language that I may need. Sure not all friends provide that. Also, I somewhat naturally now, provide all the love languages so that will help connect with people. All just my opinion of course, but the love languages really opened my eyes. Always was told I was the back sheep and honestly it was the difference I felt that made me strong. Then when I was 40 and my mother passed that my older sisters told me she tried to abort me….well that was mind blowing and certainly answered some trauma symptoms I had all my life till then. 😮😢. I like my me time as it is ok, no one to answer to except my dog 😉. Namaste
I grew up not being encouraged or helped to make personal choices. I did what I was told.
This is really hard to watch, which means I need to watch it many times.
🤓🥸🐼 is it time?
That is what I was thinking just now as I watched it the first time. Thanks.
And right there, you just impressed me so much with your bravery and wisdom. I send you a respectful bow and best wishes on your journey.
What a mature attitude! You're going to do well :)
3:20
"The people who can handle it are the very people who are not good for us to be around."
😒🤔🤦🏻♂️
Best piece of advice all week. Even years after learning this, it still can be difficult to keep this from being a problem.
After surviving a house fire, it's normal to look around at the people and want to talk.
Some are "fascinated" by fires. Some are just bored and in the neighborhood. Some got burned and need help. Some like the destruction. Some are arsonists and pyromaniacs. One may have tossed the match, and wants a good show.
Not everyone is a firefighter just because we need them to be.
Stay strong.
Well said!!!!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy -
Thanks! Your channel makes a big difference for lots of people.
Happy Thanksgiving.
👍😁🍗♥️🍗🍰😎
Lol I've learnt when a person I've just met asks me "how I ended up in a wheelchair" to just nope the heck away from them lol I call them drama junkies lol
Great comment...Deep. Thank you.
Those ppl Didnt experience the fire the way you did. When something changes your perspective..I think it's normal to voice that. Choose people who do seem to get the point..That life can change in an instant. I know it myself. I bet the ones who havent had a Big event/ circumstance like that...will. Then They will be wanting to Talk about it. Maybe it will be you who Gets it. You may be the only one..a Chance to show grace to the Ones in Peril.
This video is so spot on! I’m 29, and only realised this year much I used to over share with people because in the moment I was so happy to finally have someone to talk to 🤦♀️. I learnt the hard way that often people who seem kind and accepting are just gathering information to use against you.
Never led to anything positive!! But I’ve learned and changed ❤️
I'm currently going through a very lonely patch in my life, painfully so too. This video is very helpful. All the people I've left behind and those who left me behind were toxic and so was I with all the fawning and desperate need for approval and acceptance. Sometimes even the best of intentions will make things worse. I'm 32 and still learning, definitely growing, but are the people around me as well? Are they really more aware, more compassionate, perhaps thinking and changing their behaviours? It doesn't look like it right now. It's increasingly difficult to make (good) friends. I'm not selfish, quite the opposite, but I do wish the best for myself from now on, I wish for myself durability, acceptance, healthy habits and healthy thoughts. Growth is painful, but so is stagnation, I wish myself the best in finding a healthy balance and with it a little bit of good luck. Thank you for everything you do, it takes a lot of hard work, knowledge and courage to help people this way ❤️
I am almost 50 and I am just learning this. It’s very seldom that you find someone to be a true friend. Just keep going and take care of yourself.
Same here! You are doing good tho! Bless you on your path 🙏💜
I wish you well. ❤
This woman is brilliantly sharing her “present “ with us.
Thank you!
I honestly am really closed off because part of my trauma is emotional. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my feelings or I got “punished” (aka abused), so now I’m an adult who has issues opening up 😬.
Yeah, that's common for us. Healing is possible.
Yes and then it also effects interactions within the work place.
Yep! I don't open up to anyone, not even my husband.
I had that experience growing up, on top of being bullied by other kids. I was punched in the face twice between the ages of 6th grade and 9th grade for doing NOTHING. Second time (example) was in the school gym between classes or lunch (I forget why/how, the gym was full of kids) and some girl threw gum in my hair (I never met hee in my life) . I said who did that, someone pointed who did it so I told the teacher. She got so enraged I told on her she ran down after me, right in front the teacher... punched me in the damn face. I have had nothing but police and courts treat me like SHIT from hell, and I have never been arrested (was threatened to be, twice tho for things I didn't do) i have had my xo workers (jealous) and siblings ans parents talk crap about me behind my back... My point is I suffered a LOT of trauma. It took until my late 30s/ early 40s (my videos/pics r NOT filtered, yea I look younger) to be comfortable speaking my mind and speaking UP for myself, and it took until this scamdenic to REALLY gain confidence not being afraid to speak truth, and do what I need to do, after discovering hoe utterly brainwashed and stupid most of mankind really is, (seeing all the masks and how (almost) everyone fell for the LIES) , so I now totally speak my mind and am not afraid to speak, OR make new friends. Now its easier than ever to date (for those who are single)or make friends.. If they wear a mask ..NEXT! LOL
@@ms.anonymousinformer242 I am sorry to hear all that happened to you. I also dealt with alot of trauma both in school and at home with narc parents. I also kept to myself alot but then tend to overshare too much of my story to others I just met. With this scam-demic, I've learned to no longer give any fucks. There is a group of old "friends" from school I used to go to, and yesrs ago they stood me up at a birthday party I had, then now years later tried contacting me after they saw my missing persons report filed by my toxic parents. They also wouldn't engage with me or text me on socials but would view my story. I got in contact with one of them, then haven't heard from the rest in a few months. I always would be the one to reach out instead of them having my contact info and taking the time to shoot me a text hey how are you. I've had people who tried reaching out, saying they miss me but then stop talking once they find out I don't want to go back to CA and visit them. So recently I sent this group of old school "friends" a song I haven't listened to in 4 years, but the lyrics eerily sum up my life within the past year along with a middle finger emoji. After not reaching out for a few months after seeing my text they replied immediately... one of them even called me. I am sick and tired of those who don't want to put in the effort to give a fuck about me, with all the fakeness. I've had enough.
I was so hoping that #3 was on this list. I just ended a "promising" friendship with a woman who, after I articulated my need to set some boundaries around my time, started doing hurtful passive-aggressive things. Twice I asked that we talk about what was going on; neither time did she accept my invitation. Finally, not feeling good about how I'd ghosted her, I wrote her. She wrote be back. She took no responsibility whatsoever for the breakdown of the relationship. None. Zero. Nada. The tone of her response was "you did this to me and it hurt sooooo much." That is, she was a victim; I was the villain. I knew then there was no hope of reconciliation. Now I know although I may have ended it in the wrong way, it was the right thing to do. We can't fix what we can't face, says James Baldwin.
Thanks for sharing your experience, sound really difficult
-Cara@TeamFairy
This happened to me too, and it hurts. But with time you realize you're better off.
This happens with me with my own mother she calls me more than once a day and talks gor more than an hour 🙄 when I finally let her know I have things to do and don't want to talk to her on Saturday she acts like I'm being mean to her and tries to make me feel guilty..then other people tell me I'm lucky to have a mother to talk to how they would give anything to talk to their mother again..I just wonder if their mother's were as negative as mine is and has squashed their ideas anytime they wanted to get out in the world and do things and go places 🤔
Had a friendship like this too. It took me a lot longer to start setting those boundaries.
@@candydeaver4818 your mother sounds like she's got problems she hasn't faced. Is she on her own? Maybe encourage her to see a family therapist with you ?
Reciprocal relationships is something I really struggle with. I had to learn not to trauma dump on people as a form of conversation. So many times I got embarrassed when I realized I was like a cold bucket of water on the atmosphere because I was monopolizing the conversation with everything that was stressing me out.
Also, I grew up with a dad who, I believe, likely has CPTSD himself and a brother who has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. They both were takers, so now, when someone doesn't reciprocate, I go into a spiral of doubt as to whether they even like me at all. Or, if I have been the one giving more a couple times in a row, I worry that they are takers too and I'm just being naive about them.
It is comforting to know that I'm not crazy and that this is a common issue, not just me being weird.
i was never good with small talk. it's hard to not trauma dump but i've been being more conscious of it lately. my mantra now is "the less you say, the better". i was always a quiet kid, and listening was a skill that always served me. people used to bully me for being "too quiet" but i'm trying to get back to that, just listening. less talking. i'd rather be "too quiet" than freak people out.. feels like every time i open my mouth i embarrass myself.
Ditto, completely! I really don't know the best way to talk with people and always wonder later if I said the wrong thing. I rarely talked as a child, hardly see humans now and trying to mostly just listen.
Thats true!❤
There is another side of over-sharing that has to do with fear of getting too deep into a relationship and then having the other person find out something really heavy about you that they can't handle, resulting in them leaving or withdrawing. It's not so much begging for something as protecting your feelings down the road in case something like that were to happen. When I have done this, I didn't want anything from the person other than for them to listen and accept me. Personally I never shared my trauma with people when I was younger, but in recent years I've found it therapeutic to verbalize those things and see how people react. When someone else shares their trauma with me, yes it can be uncomfortable, but I also respect their honesty and relate with their pain. The fact is, everyone has some form of trauma, so if we can get those things out in the open we don't have to fear them anymore.
I told no one of the abuse when it was happening. Had good friends I thought then. Now I'm just "too intense" though I also have fun and am very giving. Most people prefer superficiality it seems. Non humans are my companions now.
Best comment.
I agree. You want to make sure they are going to support you before you get too close. And this is what counselors and such claim to want us to do, and yet, when we do it (that is, test the waters before we dive in), that’s wrong also. Everything we do is wrong, just like it is with our abusers… HMMMMMM…
At 66 years old I don't even try to connect with people anymore, I just don't fit in.
I feel the same. But I know I can't go on being alone or down on myself.
I have to do something..
And hope you will too..🙋
im scared they will judge me because of my upbringing. my parents were pastors and traditionalists, i couldnt be open with them because of fear of getting beatings and my experiences being used as fuel to hurt me in the future or be used as an embarrassment on my parents church leadership. so that fear spiraled into all of my other relationships till today.😢
When I was learning to heal, I went to group therapy. Where everyone share similar backgrounds and traumas. It was through my therapist who got to know me and paired me with other individuals too. Could that be a possibility for you? My father was was an apostate who wrote false doctrine and was asked to leave. I had a hard time finding anyone in my church who could handle this, sad to say. I ended going to a regular therapy. Found that his behavior was paranoid schizophrenia. It helped me zero on my healing and was able to talk it out with others.
As you heal and grow it gets easier. One day at a time. Set little goals. Get involved in a cause that you believe in, volunteering. Don't isolate. Ask the other person about themselves and open up slowly and carefully about yourself. You'll find that you aren't the only one and that the company of others is fun.
Honestly the people that love you should understand enough to allow you to vent. Every time I was able to talk about it it felt like a piece of what happened loosened it’s control on me. A very very tiny piece, but everything that makes it better is worth pursuing. Not everyone that can handle what your saying is a bad person. Many people have told me the terrible things that have happened to them and I understood that it was important that I listened and did my best to understand and most importantly give love and support.
I know I’d do a lot better telling someone who isn’t getting paid to listen, while looking like they’re drawing the next Picasso
After being harassed by a stalker for decades, I am very intentionally am pushing people away. I want them to leave me alone. They have been abusive and unkind.
all people?
I too had that situation and it took a while for me to put it way back in my mind . I met plenty of nice people that I kept as just good friends and didnt want to be too close to anyone as some relationships get too intense .
Same.
Hope he got jailed
I think a lot of healing needs to take place before we start new friendships.
Hmmm, sometimes that's the kind of thing that CPTSD "tells" us...
I feel that 💯 esp if you are attracting people who trigger your trauma.
If we are aware and are in the process of healing, I think it’s healthy to start new friendships. People like us need positivity and support and if we do the work to try and build authentic connection with others, we can really thrive in our healing journey (and make new, authentic healthy relationships with others).
Yep cleared out all old relationships because all of them were one sided and i decided i needed to heal before i made anymore friends because i couldn't physically deal with the stress that came with constantly asserting my boundaries to people who didn't care about my boundaries. Then they got defensive and blamed me when i tried to discuss why and give them an opportunity to do the work required on their end to show up as a good friend just as i was doing the work on my end...yeah none of them wanted to take accountability, so being solo is not so bad just doing what i can to love myself now.
It takes a lot of work. It can be done if one wants friends.
No one else's videos have hit home the power of talking responsibility for my recovery like yours. When I hear you speak I hear a truth I can not deny. Thank you so much.
Wow, thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is possibly the most potent video of yours I've listened to yet, and thank you so much. I've done this so much: poured my heart out to people I'd just met, to have them disappear in shock, or respond by "love-bombing" me and then disappearing when they'd had their fill. Revealing myself slowly, becoming vulnerable to another who EARNS the right to my vulnerability one minute at a time, one hour at a time, is a skill I'm working on and just cherish. Thank you for bringing this up.
I love time alone never feel lonely, stopped rowing the boat along time ago , be who you are stop worrying what others think
Surely childhood PTSD must manifest in different ways and this is only one of them. I have found that I open up to no one due to the overwhelming fear of being rejected. I'm always the listener, never the talker.
Yes! This is also a manifestation of CPTSD for sure, very true for me as well
-Cara@TeamFairy
This one resignated big time thank you for this in addition explain why I never had friends. I’m intrusive, over sharing and odd. Suffering from CPTSD is a lot however, I will still flourish!
I was in a bad relationship and I thought she was the problem. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended I started realizing that every time she would do something vastly inappropriate, I would respond with a gut reaction of “No! I’m fine! I’m not uncomfortable! It’s totally ok!” It’s totally not ok, and if it were anyone else asking me for advice in that situation, I would tell them to never put up with that kind of behavior. This video was a good eye-opener in a very uncomfortable way
"We get very intense... and the very people who can handle it, are the very people who are not good for us." This has rattled something loose in me 💣
Glad you have some food for thought :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
But what do we do with the people who CAN'T handle us? Doesn't our eventual partner have to be able to handle us?
Wow. Very astute!
This statement is pure gold
@@ElenaKeatingSingsRight? People who can't handle us leave us and people who can handle us use it against us and become abusive. So what now?
"Leaking loneliness" The conversation piece is huge for me. I try so hard to find things to share that won't touch a trauma area of my story or sad emotions that's just all that there really is and this is why I rarely put myself in this position anymore. It never works for me.
Dawn Philips, you must be a precious being, always be happy ok
I just left a comment about how my entire existence is surrounded in trauma. Literally from the first time I meet somebody it’s trauma. Why did you move here? Who do you live with? What do you do for work? All of it is rooted in trauma and there’s no way I can avoid it unless I just completely lie and it makes me initially appear to be a sketchy person.
yeah, when i get going my daughter has to put me on the gag rule.
Pain dumping has driven 100% of my friends away during my lifetime. I've done work on myself and I'm ready to socialize again.
I have a difficult time connecting with people. Doesn’t help much when you have the facial expressions and no outward emotions of a serial killer, with the inability to make “normal” eye contact, and trip over the simplest sentences in a conversation. People immediately get the impression I’m not genuine, cold, snobby, etc.
I’ve done everything you mention in this video, I can now see it’s weird and others have done it to me this year
Seeing what's happening is half the healing! Good things lie ahead for you.
Me too! I'm curious, is also accurate for you to write it as "*when* others have done it to me this year"? That being on the receiving end or being the outside observer is what created the realization for you?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Im able to see what's happening but I have no real idea what actually happened to me...I have theories and nothing more. Is there anything you have that I can do to remember?
I hope you extend grace instead of judgment also.
I'm only about 3 minutes into the video and I can tell you that I have spilled my guts, at times that I have no clue why. Oh, the looks on the poor peoples' faces. Like a deer in headlights!
Those are dummies who need to grow up and deal with life better.
I hear you, same with me.
You are not alone, me too.
It's okay to be yourself
I can tell you that for me, it's because I went sooooo long swallowing my feelings and pretending things were fine when they weren't. I find it almost impossible now to do that. It feels disingenuous. My coping strategy is to try to turn the conversation back to the other person when I like I'm going to unload too much onto someone new, but it doesn't work very well. Once those floodgates are open there's no stopping me. I have seen that look on their faces too - when you know you'd made someone uncomfortable but you just can't stop. Ugh. I usually withdraw for days after that.
I've only recently learned to rally share stuff with people and it has let to a deepening of my conversations by about 200%. Even with just acquaintances. It comes from a place of compassion and interest though, not from expecting the other one to be the fix.
I think it's worth it. Our world is so superficial. We are all hurting. We are all longing for a deeper connection.
Not the same thing as "oversharing" though. That's when you just unload on someone.
I agree with this 100 percent. This is so helpful, and I am working on getting rid of the "victim" mentality as I am no longer a child and I have a choice of what happens next.
I need industrial strength therapy. I need to understand what I'm doing. Looking for clues.
I’m guilty of “OVER Sharing” ...... Not anymore as I’m Learning..... My Approval is the One that Counts!! Not theirs!!❤️
I hate to dump my problems onto other people and it takes me a long time to trust people. One thing that re-traumatizes me is whenever I meet a guy I like, they only want to hook up and that doesn't work for me because I practice abstinence. I find it's easier if I just put up a wall and don't even approach men. All approaching has ever gotten me is coercion and sexual bullying anyway. When I'm alone, I actually feel less stressed and happier.
If you're still interested in dating, I offer an online course that's all about changing negative patterns around choice of person, and process of getting closer. You an find it on my course page at courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
Because by approaching men, and not waiting for them to approach you, they will value less, typically . Go to Michaela pink channel. You may not agree or understand what she is saying but if you just listen through several videos you may understand her points.
You won't reciprocate? If you really like them. Don't you want them just as much? Why not reciprocate? Educate me please.
@@stevenhiggins9985 It's not about reciprocating. I'm talking about liking a guy and the guy being only interested in a hook-up and not being interested in me as a person. I've put myself in potentially dangerous situations by approaching men first. I refuse to do so again.
@@HaleyMary my bad. I get it. And your real with it. Amen. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Im learning and doing that myself as I write this. Just sayin. Work in progress. We see it. We choose to change it. Take our power back. Protect ourselves. Love respect nurture our mfn selves. ha!
I’m late to the party- but the “other focused” rang so true and it hit me hard when you said that it was a product of gauging my own safety in unsafe circumstances. Wow. Lightbulb moment.
I'm so glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, I could have saved boat loads of money I spent on therapy had I found your work sooner. Thank you.
I think the best thing to know is that we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world of imperfect people. Expectation leads to disappointment.
Agreed.
I’m kind of the opposite. I tend to be evasive when people try to get to know me, because family is so fundamental to people’s lives and identity, and most people want to hear happy stories and connect with people they can relate to. I don’t have happy stories to tell, and it’s not that I come from a dysfunctional family (except maybe the first six years of my life), because more than that, I basically didn’t grow up in a family, period, and I have no family members in my life except my husband. I last saw my mother when I was six, and I’ve never met my father, 3 out of 4 grandparents, any of my siblings, aunts or uncles except one, or any first cousins. I didn’t even know who half of my family was until about 3 years ago, and evidently I’m the deep, dark secret that my father wants to pretend never happened. People don’t even know how to process that or what to do with that, and it requires too much effort for most people. In my younger, more naive days, I used to think my family story shouldn’t matter as much as what I’ve been able to do with my life in spite of my lack of family, but life experience has disabused me of that notion. For most people, it does matter. It is what it is.
Indifference and cowardice should not be rewarded in any way. Unfortunately, this world is full of people like that. Fact-Those who want to be in your life will make the effort... There is also alot of caring people out there..I've met a few. Trust your instinct, always..
Honestly a lot of people out there are ignorant, immature, thoughtless and unpleasant and a waste of time and effort to be in a relationship with.
I’m definitely the one who has made most of the effort to make it happen with people in the past, including my family, and it’s recovery for me to stop doing that.
Bottom line, I love being alone with myself and God, neither of whom treat me poorly 🌸❤️
I used to overshare, but after ive found myself in a emotional abusive relationship i now struggle with the opposite. In friendships it,s a little better but in romantic connections as soon as i realize that in order to connect i will eventually have to open up/show emotion i actually shut down and can come across detached. This ranges from talking about trauma but also just simply saying that i might like getting to know that person. I tend to just mute. I can grasp how that shift happend, it really taps into shame and feeling unwanted. Ive been doing great on setting boundries but i do struggle changing that aspect. Relatable for anyone? Tips are welcome aswell ❤
Thanks for sharing this! I resonate with it :)
@@HealwithRannn 🌹🌹
TY for sharing. I believe I am in a similar position with relationships. I feel if I make use of Anna's free 💝 materials, and continue binging on her videos, the secrets will be revealed. 🦋
I applaud our courage!