My complicated relationship with my parents.
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- čas přidán 11. 02. 2024
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"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."
Alden Nowlan
It's like that saying my grandma here in Mexico always says: "Como te ves yo me vi, como me ves te verás."
"How you see yourself, I once saw myself. How you now see me, you will one day see yourself."
BEAUTIFUL WORDS
I am not sure you know how lucky you are when it comes to your parents. Not everybody experiences their parents as heroes when they are little and a lot of people have to fight really hard to not become like their parents in order to form healthy relationships as an adult and to protect their children. The kind of open-mindedness, self-reflection and sensitivity your parents seem to encompass is phenomenal
I 100% agree. I am extremely fortunate.
@@nobackupplan I am so glad you know so you can appreciate the time you have with them 😊💫
Your comment really resonated with me.. “some of us have to fight really hard not to become like our parents, in order to form healthy relationships as adults and to protect our children.”
@@RationalNon-conformist I hope you are doing fine ❤ I wish you lots of love and happiness ✨
Exactly what I was thinking about the entire time.
Oh, dude. I keep forgetting your age. This feeling of generational vertigo never, ever, ever goes away. You're listening to their life-echoes inside your own head forever.
Life echoes is such a good way to articulate these things.
When you were 17 yo and your parents were telling you stuff during those years in their time, you shrug it off and then it happens to you at some point and you fully realize that experience. Happens at 25. And happens at 30.
Interesting! i’ve found EMDR therapy to fully remove those echoes in my mind. Meaning the really painful ones. Just because I took the opportunity to remove emotions from them with the EMDR. So amazing
64 here, and SMILING! Many of us go through these stages of recognition and adaptation. Enjoy the startling journey...
How could I accurately judge my parents as adults, before I myself was an adult? Brilliant! Your reflections are always enlightening. Thank you!
You're fortunate to have parents who have encouraged & supported the decisions you've made. To be able to take the artistic path and pursue living abroad - wow, I wish. Your parents seemed like they were pretty open minded - even back then. You are quite fortunate to have them as parents.
As a parent, this post makes me very happy!!! I'm 59, my daughter's 27 and we get along SO much better than we used to and I can feel her soften towards me and I sense more respect. Those teenage years were so hard, and worrisome. In my teenage years I used to get so mad when I'd hear that's "just a phase" in reference to being a teenager. I'm like "NO, this is me as a person, it's not because I'm in a "phase"!!!! Well, now I see it's a bit of both. I'm a nurse, so I know about the stages of development. I'm loving this older "stage" I'm in. And I LOVE the stage my daughter and I are in together right now. Thank you for sharing this. I hope your all's relationship just gets better and better!
Same, and my granddaughters also
If my adult children would ever have these insights and I found out, I could die right then and there a happy mom. Also, I am 66 years old but I find the older I get the more I tell my mom (whos been gone 16 years now) how very very sorry I am.
You are so young, I never realised. I remember having this revelation about my parents about the same age. I am the same age as your parents. I became more and more empathetic to their challenges as time went on. Seeing my grandparents as their parents was also an eye opener. There is another phase to come and that is when parents can’t cope on their own anymore and really need your help. This may involve sacrifice but keeping a strong and loving relationship helps a great deal in navigating these later years. No time or energy you spend helping them in that phase will ever cause regret. Your parents have given you a great gift by moving closer to you. Time goes so quickly. Your desire to do your best will carry you a long way. Lots of love and good wishes. ❤️
Dude, as the mom of a 23 yo son, I am seeing this whole thing from the other side. For instance, that mirror works both ways and there is nothing harder to deal with than seeing the things you dislike about yourself or your spouse develop in your offspring. Obnoxious laugh? Check. Procrastination? Check. But then seeing the parts you love about your spouse or traits about yourself that you are proud of carry over into your kid? Amazing!!! Trust me, your opinions about your parents are going to morph over your whole life. I'm not saying you are going to always agree with or understand them, but you'll develop an appreciation for their choices as you go through the decades. I thought my mom let herself go, but she just got comfortable enough in her own skin to stop caring what others thought. Happens around 40, in case you are curious.
So relatable! Yes, I've had so much more acceptance, tolerance, and appreciation toward my parents in my later 20s! I have also realized that I can get into the same manic work mode as my dad and I also have the adventurous/opportunistic spirit of my mom. My older sister and I have lately been saying these kinds of things a lot: "Uh...you sound just like Dad" or "That's exactly what mom would have done." Great video!
Loving this. Our twenties and thirties are definitely a time we can look back and give our parents more grace. There are realizations like "wait, they were just young adults doing their best back then..." and admittedly they had less resources and access to mental health, environmental, dietary, and medical knowledge than we do today. It's complex but so worthwhile to look at them through different eyes as we age...and as they continue to as well.
its like the song, the older I get, the more that I see, my parent aren't heroes, they just like me
Yyeeees, sure, so relatable! I have come through the exact same phases and now I'm also in the third one. And, yeah, I'm understanding my parents now.
And now, with that, with living alone and with this process of understanding, the life really seems easier and more pleasant and my difficult relationship with my dad are really improving
❤
I love it when you just talk to the camera. I forget that you are younger than my youngest son.
What you have to say resonates across time and generations. I remember discovering similar things about my own parents 40 years ago.
So glad you followed your heart and scaled back, so you can love what you do and take us along with you.
Thanks for this! I’m older now with grown sons of my own, working amongst people your age. In my head i am one of them yet at the same time I’ve maybe got a ton more perspective because I’ve explored what I’m about. Oddly there are times when i wish my parents were still alive to discuss their perspectives as I sometimes missed the chance - taking them at face value and now I wish i went deeper.
I love that you and your parents are all such deep thinkers and share a loving, artsy vibe! ❤ I had a tricky childhood I'd never want to inflict on anyone, so I'm grateful I now understand how much my parents' choices were determined by things *other* than genetics. The same palette of colors can be used to paint very different pictures! 🖌💖🎨
Really liking the new aesthetic
Hindsight is always 20/20 - and it's always interesting when people begin to realize that they are more like their parents than they ever thought they were or would be. You're blessed to have come to this realization now - while your parents are still young so you can forge new paths with them and to them. This is a gift. Take it and run with it!
Why is that so scary? Your parents are delightful. I can think of many worse fates.
I’m experiencing the same way - you realize more and more as you age the good and bad things you learned from your parents. Right now I’m noticing the attachments I have on certain things, thinking they are “normal” or “it’s supposed to be that way” when in fact is a product of watching your parents having the same attachments to those things as well. Aging is honestly so hard yet so beautiful.
It’s an interesting moment when you realize that your parents are just people and not necessarily heroes. You are lucky to be able to have that conversation with them.
Just remember this is your parent’s first and only time living also.
I can totally relate. I am also 26 y. o. and the older I got the more I realized all the similarities between me and my parents, some shocking and scarry and some beautiful and funny. I like how you brought your reflections on this to screen, I had similar thoughts lately. We cannot suppress these similarities, as they were sown in us very early on due to our upbringing. But we can reflect on them, use them to better understand our parents, possibly forgive them and learn from them. Somehow it is magical to know that a part of our parents lives on in us, no matter what relationship we have with them.
I am the generation of your parents and have a daughter of your age. The beautiful thing is that nowadays we are much more aware of so many things that our parents did not pass on to us (because they did not know), but we can tell our children. Not that they won't make mistake, but what I always told my daughter is "don't repeat my mistakes, make your own". So building on the insight of the generation before, your generation can do much bigger steps forward in developing their mind, their personality, their soul and work on themselves consciously. 🙂
As a 57 year old mom with kids in their early 20s, I say this with a whole lot of affection....Well, duh!!! We all have complicated relationships with our parents. I still have a complicated relationship with my own mom. But, I really appreciate your handling of this subject. Well done; welcome to maturity! (and I mean that with absolutely no sarcasm, but a whole-hearted welcome, because I went through these same emotions in my 20s as well) Your videos are great :) and I think its good to discuss these things!
To me this has an undercurrent of "tell me you have ADHD without telling me you have ADHD" lots of energy as a kid, grew up to have sound sensitivity, many varying interests and moving between them... relocating to this
You’re really deep and always enlightening. Thank you.
My first response is intense emotion. A sadness that we all don't have these realizations of appreciation. This was beautiful to listen to. I looked back and felt that it would be good to be able to smooth out these relationships in real time instead of the intense rebellions and shut downs that happen in youth. But then again...c'est la vie!
Very powerful refletion... Thank you for sharing!🙏
This is very relatable ~ It may sound cliché but I feel that as we are becoming adults we come to terms with the fact that our parents - whom we mainly saw in the spectrum of their "role" - are individuals with their own stories. Stories that were shaped by their self-discovery journey which we just happen to be a part of.
Just what I needed. Nathaniel’s musings and wisdom to bring me clarity for this chaotic monday morning
Omg you're so right!! Thank you for making this video!
Loving this style of video!
Love these short and sweet vids, keep it up. This is exactly how I feel with the relationship with my parents as well. I used to always joke and make fun of things they would do. However as I get older, my friends make fun of me for those same qualities
I’m a mother can completely understand you as I hear similar comments all the time from my 29 years old .
And we must also remember how to have grace, even knowing that there are even things we do as adult children that our parents don’t like, either, and yet they still love us no matter what.
If you focus on their positive good qualities and their struggles you will respect and appreciate them more. They were you once. And you will be them later. much still to learn. .
Very mature thoughts. Good on you!🙌🏽🙌🏽👏
I resonate with what you said so much.
Nathaniel, you are so lucky to have such wonderful parents. Your success is from your own work yes, but also because of what they did to raise you well.
OMG insights.I want to try this reflection and I would like to explore this myself.how amazing you got this thought so young.thank you for sharing and expressing!
Wow, such a great topic! I've also given it tought through the year, but not as much as I have since I had my own kids. It's amazing how much perspective changed since I was put in the exact same spot as they have.
I just love your mind. You are a special soul💗❤️
I love to hear you say this. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was younger. Wisdom really comes with age. As you grow older, you will judge less and less. And you will not just understand your parents, but so many other people you did not understand before. It is good to be reminded of that. My teenage son will be the same pretty soon 😂👍🏻
Very interesting to hear this perspective- I’ve been contemplating how my 5 year old will feel about me when he is a teenager/adult- trying to not be discouraged at my failings as a parent, as I can honestly say I am doing the best I can with the resources I’ve got. Parenting is an enormous task. I fully understood my parents, my mother specially, once I became a mother myself.
I have a 10 yr old son and I’ve seen a shift in him developing his own ego and seeing the flaws of his father and I. I loved hearing your perspective as I think it gives me a better understanding of the process my son is just now entering.
If you think you're starting that phase of empathy with your parents now, if/when you have kids that ship will break the stratosphere. Pretty much their entire lives and all their choices and feelings make sense to me now.
You are so right, I feel like many of us (if not all) come to these realizations at some point as we grow older, whether we like it or not. First they're the super heroes and then we don't wanna be anything like them and as we enter more and more into adulthood we realize the uncanny resemblance we have with them. I rejected it at first and did everything I could to not be like them but now that I am in my mid 50s I have softened a lot more and smile at the similarities. I realize that I am very different in so many ways but also that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And I love them now more than ever despite how challenging they can be in their senior years. God Bless them 🙏
Yet another case of “are we all living the same life?” I’m 26 too and I can relate to everything you said. Been thinking about this for the past year, too.
I am in awe... at 50+, life for me has slowed enough after a life-time of crisis events and drama, to finally revisit and think through these SAME thoughts... not from a parental perspective but as an individual, which I've recently discovered once again. In that, we are equals.... and yes, it's so beautiful, when honest reflections culminate in empathy -> compassion and gratitude. It makes us the most attractive human beings: the people we truly are under the masks we are duped or frightened into wearing. I applaud you !! Congratulations. It seems your journey into content creation has brought out the authenticity in you... as a marvelous acid-wash exposes the purest and truest view of woodgrain. - You have blessed me. I can see the metamorphosis you are going through via the book/newsletter/youtube-train-ride and realize... any vehicle will do, as long as we are on-board. You rock. Peace and grace flooding you.
Like someone else said here, I see a lot of ADHD traits in what you’re describing about both you and your father. Full of energy, jumping between ideas that often don’t get followed through on, a certain amount of restlessness, sensory issues (ADHD and Autism have a lot of overlapping experiences). If you haven’t followed through on this, you might find that looking into it helps explain a lot of things about you both. I didn’t get diagnosed myself until I was nearly 50. It brought with it a sense of peace to be able to better understand myself and also sadness and frustration at not having the tools I needed earlier in life. Just a thought.
Great video. And you will experience a different layer of understanding and perspectives on your parents, if/when you have children of your own. It never stops.. finding the positive and negative
I have only watched two of your videos so far but have to say: I really like you!
That's the best thing that can happen to one, understanding , acceptation, even if we do not agree on a lot of things. That is unconditional love, the one we want them to have for us since they put us on earth consciously or not. It brings so much peace in life.
We are all living this life for the first time 💕
Hey Nathaniel 👋,
I think it’s normal for people (myself included 🙋♂️) to transition into a certain phase in their lives where they start to notice certain things about their parents/parental figures that they agree with as well as the things they don’t. What’s really interesting is that the more we’re aware of this, the more we realize we want to be our own individual selves as we learn not only from our respective parents/parental figures, but also the things they did right as well as the mistakes they have made. Along the way, we also learn to understand that they are who they are, and that they deserve to be appreciated by us for being parents or at least fulfilling the role of a parental figure. (I understand that everything I said can only be the case for some people.)
Sending you lots of love!!! ❤️❤️❤️🤗
Ritchie
Just embrace it now! I tried so hard to not be like my parents when I was younger. My parents were both teachers for their professions - I became an ESL tutor last year. My Dad has performed music as a second job since he was a teenager. I tried being only a music fan for a long time, but a couple years ago I decided to tackle my performance anxiety and now play guitar, taking turns performing songs, with friends almost every weekend.
you are my fav youtuber in my current stage in life
I am aproximately the same age as you, and I can completely relate! I think were are both evolving following the same path.
Be grateful you are having these epiphanies at 26 as I firmly believe they help us be better human beings. Many people don't have them, instead they only see the differences. I am 62 and unfortunately my parents have been gone for many years and lived through wars so thier perception of the world as very different. But I still have epiphanies and they are still relatable. My last was at 56....
Very interesting, I have thpught about this a lot over the past months. There definitely is A LOT we get from our parents. PS. I miss the podcast! I wish it returns :D
You have your mother's eyes and stare. She seems like a kind person and you look like you taker after her emotionally.
I'm sort of the same with my mom, we share that spirit or whatever...
Love your videos Nathaniel! Long time fan. Commenting to mark my spot in time here. I watched this video while it had 6088 views, posted 12 hours ago. Its 10:04 PM, Monday, February 12, 2024 now.
learned a lot about my dead dad within the last few weeks. I found so much where I could see I was like him in subtle ways. Most shockingly was his choice of first wife, who reminded me of my wife who I am getting currently divorced from but knew at his age. Life may not exactly repeat, but it definitely rhymes in its own ways through the generations. I am late 50s, you are mid 20s. You are a long way ahead of the game.
I see a lot of 90's fashion in France among teens; the shops are filled with 90's clothes. As someone who was a teen in that era, I loved that moment in history, but the fashion was terrible ! :D I guess all things come full circle.
Incidentally , having seen several of your parents' videos and their journey to France, it was very evident how much you resemble your folks, both physically and in regards to your sensibilities.
I get your process.
Your parents are people that a lot of us would wish them as parents. I wish they were mine.
Then, there are "parents" out there that should never, ever, should have had children.
Nathaniel,you are beyond gorgeous inside and outside!
Same, same. And, it will only continue as you age more and more ... life = how it changes, how little it changes. I remind myself to enjoy the journey!
the title made me chuckle
Nice you are figuring that out at such young age. As for me, it took me 40+ years to figure how we start to behave as our parents as years go by.
It's so true! I relate a lot with this video!
The adult relationship i had with my parents compared to childhood and teenage years is just so different they were late 30s having me so they seemed so old and uncool compared to friends parents and i was very distant from them. I feel so guilty about that now. It all clicked into place when i was about 20 and i saw them in a different light. We became brilliant friends as adults.. Loved sharing time together. Until my beloved dad died recently. They are just figuring life out like we all are...
I turned 25 recently and in the last months/years I've come to realize exactly the same! I like to think (for the better and for the worse) that I'm almost like a 50/50 mix of my mom and dad. Good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way....
How do you handle your interests always shifting? Do you work on one project until you finish with it and then move on to the second project? How do you motivate yourself to finish the first thing you've already started when you become more passionate about your new idea?
My dad and I always butted heads but the older I get I realize that I am so much like him! My brain works just like his did. I always thought I was more like my mom but really I am not like her at all. Self- realization takes a long time!
Dude, I am surprised you haven't figured out yet that you are a neurodivergent family (incl. both your parents) :) I have been following you and them for a while and thinking about it as you show and talk about bits and peaces of it. From the sensory sensitivity, the way you analyse information, the habit of obsessively getting into the rabit hole of topics and projects and loosing yourselves, to the creative brains. Many high functioning ADHDers and autists (or a combo of both, I wouldn't be surprised) figure it out later in life. It's the beauty of your brain and why you are the way you are. Embrace it! It's genetic and something to thank both of your parents for.
I would be curious to hear what you think about it after you do some research together with your parents, especially your mom as she is a woman and women historically haven't been diagnosed properly due to the way testing is setup (fitted for how traits are represent in boys).
I definitely suspect something is going on for with all of us for a while now but haven’t felt any urgency to diagnose it! But I appreciate the thoughts/suggestions.
Oh, good, so you are aware. Former diagnosis wouldn’t change anything. Self identification is valid too (especially considering the wait times for specialists). It is quite liberating to figure out how/why your brain works the way it does. There are many channels that focus on this topic and it’s super interesting to learn about it. It will help you understand how to manage and harvest your energy and workflow better (different strategies compared to the general ones for neurotypical people), burnout is different (opposite strategies help), it brings self acceptance too and better self awareness, and last but not least, the masking that you are subconsciously doing to fit in this neurotypical world.
One day you will realize how fortunate you are to have your parents when you accept them for the wonderful, interesting people who they are and stop trying to figure out everything about them and you and your relationship with them. It is what it is. Bob Dylan sang "If for just one moment you could stand inside my shoes".. 'If' is the operative word...it is not possible. Don't be so dependent on dissecting situations past and present.
it's an interesting experience noticing the same qualities in yourself as in your parents, however our behaviour isn't fixed so the great part is that we can change certain aspects we don't like
I too am oversensitive to some sounds. When I'm exposed to loud noise that I can't control, I actually become depressed.
great video. how do you get that dreamy vintage look in your videos? :)
We haven’t spent too much time together, but I find myself being deeply proud of you all too often. Keep it up, friend
You'll find that you'll grow even closer to them as you age, Nathaniel.
We just have to remember that our parents are also going through this life for the first time and even though we reach a certain age doesn't mean that we got it all under control.
your mom is so cute omg 🥹 I love your mom
We are not ''nouns'', fixed objects that never change. You give something a name, that something becomes fixed. EVERTHING changes. We become. We become something different in every moment. We are verbs.
Our first twenty, or so, years, we learn to manipulate within our 3D world. Our next twenty years, we use our knowledge to earn a living. Our next twenty years we learn to detach, if in the previous twenty years we learned anything.
What once seemed so important is no longer. We exist, we always have and we always will. We exist to become.
I’m 40, gay, and currently living with my parents. While I am grateful for them for letting me live here with them while I’m going through my mid life crisis; I have only one thing in common with them. Sports. That’s it. Other than that, I’m a completely different person from them. I know I am my dad. But it’s still a bummer. My parents are just average country folk from the sticks. Idk, I love them, but I don’t really like them? Idk? It’s hard. I respect them though. They brought me up right. To be honest , they are all I got in this life really. That’s the irony in all of this. When I got into a bad car wreck three years ago, I had three back surgeries, and I’ve lost my job due to my disabilities from the wreck. All my “supposed friends” left me and went “ghost” on me because I was having to move home. My parents are all I really got. A lot of my friends have also passed away. I lost 34 people during Covid. A lot of funerals for sure. The rest of my “friends” were toxic. So I’m just kinda here with my parents. I have the upmost respect for them, but it’s hard being back home after 20 years on my own. Change happens to everyone. That’s life. I guess I just try be nice to them, have respect, and try to abide by their rules. I can’t wait to get my own place back again though. I’m currently unemployed, have to go to vocational rehab to learn how to do something else. Life man, nobody ever said it would be easy. I try really hard to be grateful for my patents too. They’re the only people in my life that give a shit about me. If I think I am on my own now, just wait till they pass. Man. I can’t even imagine how bad my loneliness will be then. Things will work out one way or another. Hang in there.
key insights for you. individuation. tolerance. trouser friction hair loss. 🙏😁
Great subject! I have the same sensitivities to noise and stimuli as you and your father. Have you read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron? If not I highly recommend it. It's both a blessing and a curse at the same time but it's part of you, I mean that is if you are an HSP. I recently got physically attacked by a rude (unhappy person) neighbor just for wanting to talk to him about his dog barking very early in the morning and waking me up. He used to take one dog out and left the other dog inside the fence watching and (the tacky owner and the 'sibling' dog) calling them by barking! It had an easy solution by just taking the two dogs out at the same time...Right now I have feelings of revenge (justice) because he damaged my cervical vertebra and have to look for a solution (not an easy task) by looking for a lot of doctors and hopefully heal. Anyways I guess I went way off topic.I need to heal physically and mentally from this. But my point I guess is that being an HSP combined with rude inconsiderate tacky people is no joke. Great video!
That was sweet! That was lovely! I remember the video you did with your dad documenting your South American business venture. I thought you were over-the-top harsh on your father who was doing a great job of exposing his soul-bearing transformation. Even though it was understandable, I basically thought you were a jerk. And yet, all along, I've also thought you're pretty fabulous. (Not that my opinion matters.) You and your parents are a hoot! Is your brother as wild as you?
My parents had me incarcerated when I was fifteen so I didn't have to have a relationship with them. Which is really much better. If the people who created you did everything that they could to humiliate and abuse you then you're immune to all the attempts to infantalize you made by various power structures.
I didn't know this until the marriage was over. Well, I knew it annoyed me and it took my ability to concentrate away but I only came to find out that it's a real thing afterwards; I am extremely sensitive to noise, movement, mindless conversation, etc...this was a crucial factor why I couldn't stand my over hyper ex and the marriage is over. He not only didn't understand me, but he would taunt me by doing what I didn't like and couldn't stand. I believe he's a covert narcissist.
Your clarity of thought is a quality I am in constant drive toward achieving it one day.
Gertrude Stein wrote "What makes the legend real between boyhood and fourteen is that there is then the first struggle not to die and the first struggle to help kill the generation in which you are born." Then were the years of rapid growth and change at the end of my teens. Then becoming an adult in my early twenties. Then, at about your age, I began to understand how much I was like my parents. As I approached forty I realized that I AM my parents. And then I saw that knowledge is the foundation upon which I would build myself. I think that resisting, understanding and then embracing were three phases I had to pass through to be able to begin to create me.
Have you learned your voice sounds exactly like your dad? The first time I listened to you I knew exactly who your parents were as I had discovered their channel before you.
My parents are dead. Someday, yours will be too. Let that sink in....and do what you will with that knowledge.
May they rest in peace.
Welcome to life! It's a trip my son!
wait until you explore your family tree back a few generations - it's uncanny what carries through generations
Hafe you ever read "Business of One" by Paul Jarvis?