Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC

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  • čas přidán 6. 09. 2024
  • Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?
    In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience - and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.
    Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

Komentáře • 773

  • @askformoreinfowhichyouwont7510

    "You think you know each other so you stop paying attention."

    • @dialecticalspectacle
      @dialecticalspectacle Před 5 lety +13

      Askformoreinfo whichyouwontget That hit me hard.

    • @smendes2004
      @smendes2004 Před 4 lety

      @@kazachskijmolodiec I hope you overcome that awful feelingbof unrepairable loss quickly...

    • @deborahkrasniqi7279
      @deborahkrasniqi7279 Před 4 lety +1

      Good one!

    • @deborahkrasniqi7279
      @deborahkrasniqi7279 Před 4 lety

      Or they never paid attention in the first place.

    • @mattyhall4009
      @mattyhall4009 Před 3 lety

      @@kazachskijmolodiec p
      Pnolpppoolol
      Polooooopm9mopoooomlooooooopopooooppooooooooolollooooooopppoooo
      Poop
      O
      Ok bab moooooo

  • @runninginsept
    @runninginsept Před 7 lety +4704

    "Human relationships can survive fights. Human relationships cannot survive the loss of safety and security."

    • @livingbeings
      @livingbeings Před 7 lety +11

      runninginsept thank you for quoting

    • @raajsingh1382
      @raajsingh1382 Před 7 lety +11

      absolutely right we can not survive
      we supposed to be back of our pattner

    • @Fendora
      @Fendora Před 6 lety +18

      that struck a nerve

    • @realreviews8232
      @realreviews8232 Před 6 lety +26

      that is is his perspective not fact

    • @johndoh1000
      @johndoh1000 Před 6 lety +4

      runninginsept I’m just going to say abusive relationships

  • @lollipoplove7073
    @lollipoplove7073 Před 5 lety +1680

    "The real problem is not when you fight, is when one of you threatens to leave the relationship ".

    • @SOliveira2010
      @SOliveira2010 Před 5 lety +10

      So true indeed!

    • @SOliveira2010
      @SOliveira2010 Před 5 lety +1

      So true, indeed!

    • @afrodude4782
      @afrodude4782 Před 5 lety +38

      This is my current situation. I've lost the emotional connection to my woman and have no drive to fight for this relationship.

    • @MARLEN446
      @MARLEN446 Před 5 lety +35

      @@afrodude4782 it's over when you feel that way. Be honest w the person and true to yourself.

    • @jazzydaexplorer8266
      @jazzydaexplorer8266 Před 4 lety +1

      Andrew Spencer I’m in this situation 😞😞😞

  • @hopew6665
    @hopew6665 Před 7 lety +2240

    "Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" so simple yet.....

    • @Cdre_Satori
      @Cdre_Satori Před 7 lety +74

      "It is not me against you, it is us against the problem. You and me, even against the rest of the world." something i would use in wedding vows. :/

    • @EpicMindsets
      @EpicMindsets Před 6 lety +12

      I so agree! Its almost like its what each other can get out of the relationship for themselves and who gives a damn about the other if they do or don't...fend for yourself mentality...turn off!

    • @treacherousjslither6920
      @treacherousjslither6920 Před 5 lety +5

      I've never looked to a woman for protection, safety, and security. How could she possibly provide these things? As a man it is up to me to provide those things for myself.

    • @muninchip
      @muninchip Před 5 lety +15

      @@treacherousjslither6920 maybe not physically but emotionally

    • @treacherousjslither6920
      @treacherousjslither6920 Před 5 lety +1

      @@muninchip Nope. I don't look to a woman for anything other than companionship and physical intimacy.

  • @AmbiCahira
    @AmbiCahira Před 6 lety +2213

    After 5 years of marriage and not a single night apart and not a single argument I can say that a huge tip is to read up on oxytocin that is released through touch and make an effort to give a long hug every day. Yes it is normal to have fights but those like me who don't won't be at his office for counselling so of course he has no data on those relationships that do run well. Be each others best friend, hang out like best friends do, and work out your own insecurities because insecurities are a huge fight trigger. You go on defense even before you open your mouth in conflict and when both are defending themselves you don't get anywhere. Solving conflict with conflict and self defense will never give results. Have a talk early how you wish to be treated when you are upset. Do you want to be left alone or be held? Do you want to talk about it or sit quiet? And if an argument occurs and you feel that emotion start to boil in your chest, take a deep breath, agree to cool off separately, then agree to disagree and hug it out. Only use words to each other as you would say in front of your grandmother. If you wish to hurt the person by name calling because you are hurting then you need to seek counselling yourself to mend what old pain gets triggered in you. Lastly, if your partner looks stressed, asking "what can I do to help?" and do things as a team will get you very far. A relationship is like carrying a table. If you don't have teamwork it won't work smoothly.

    • @nicciGT
      @nicciGT Před 6 lety +94

      That does not sound like a honest and healthy relationship...you never had one single argument? Even he said that is not healthy.

    • @imarichtowngirl4321
      @imarichtowngirl4321 Před 6 lety +144

      @@nicciGT A healthy relationship rarely has fights. There are disagreements but full on fights isn't healthy in my opinion

    • @paisley516
      @paisley516 Před 5 lety +16

      Fighting is needed in a healthy relationship

    • @bw6078
      @bw6078 Před 5 lety +10

      Well said and splendid advice

    • @magentajasinski6880
      @magentajasinski6880 Před 5 lety +13

      Love your table analogy!!

  • @bonteesstory7995
    @bonteesstory7995 Před 7 lety +1246

    No two people can be a perfect match right at the beginning! It's like an investment of time. Once you invest it properly, you harvest the best fruit ever.

    • @michielvanderheyden4960
      @michielvanderheyden4960 Před 7 lety +80

      Exactly, and it isn't so much about how much you have in common but how easily you can accept the differences of each other

    • @Macheako
      @Macheako Před 7 lety +40

      Common hobbies are just a superficiality to who we really are deep down. There's plenty of people who love freedom, like myself, who find themselves in wildly different areas of life as I'm in, that's why I don't worry about hobbies, I worry about character.
      I don't see it as I'm marrying a "pre school teacher", I see it as I'm marrying "The woman who happens to be a preschool teacher". We're all so much more, if we choose to be, than our hobbies, we're the culmination of our life itself.

    • @thedude8526
      @thedude8526 Před 5 lety +12

      Fruit can rot at any time. You have to be willing to know when to leave. Even if you invested a lot of time into it. The whole happily ever after bit is just not true for most people.

    • @priscillalentils
      @priscillalentils Před 5 lety +4

      profile pic checks out

    • @YanaPetruk
      @YanaPetruk Před 4 lety

      BonTee's Story oh yeah? Let’s talk in a couple of years

  • @autogeneratedmusicvideosdalle

    I was dumped, from what I can see as a very healthy, growing, and functioning relationships despite sometimes there are fights. One of the reasons she said is that because "relationships should be easy. why is ours hard? why do we need to work it out?"
    It's what romanticism has told us, that the "right" person will always have things really easy. But it isnt. Because all of us are flawed and imperfect.
    Living with another human being is always gonna be hard.

    • @whatdidujustsay2094
      @whatdidujustsay2094 Před 28 dny

      I got let go for the same reason. They want it to be so easy... I don't think I believe in that.

  • @SamMudd
    @SamMudd Před 5 lety +177

    I wish everybody understood that 0% of relationships are sunshine and daisies all the time

  • @DovBaronLeadership
    @DovBaronLeadership Před 7 lety +371

    The relationships we have ultimately determine not only how we see ourselves but also how we see the world.

  • @etoile1267
    @etoile1267 Před 4 lety +143

    I was in a toxic relationship for a year and a half where my partner threatened to leave me many times.
    "If you get too close to the edge of the cliff we're done"
    "If you don't get out of the ocean we're done"
    "I'm gonna break up with you if you drink with your best friend when I'm not there"
    It was draining and awful. I didn't feel confident in our relationship and I always felt like I couldn't be my adventurous self. I'm glad I finally ended it. I only felt sad for a little bit, then I went to the beach and felt FREE.

    • @andrewjackson9948
      @andrewjackson9948 Před 4 lety +5

      I'm struggling with this heavy right now. All I want is to have her back but there was so much fear the whole time that I lost myself trying to cater to her depression, to her anxiety, to the made up stories she believed. It was so hard..I love her so much but it was pure suffering

    • @etoile1267
      @etoile1267 Před 4 lety +5

      @@andrewjackson9948 I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's not easy being in a toxic relationship. Once you safely remove yourself you will feel relieved. And when it comes to future relationships remember to listen to your gut.

    • @Leitis_Fella
      @Leitis_Fella Před 3 lety +4

      Being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

  • @aarush2507
    @aarush2507 Před rokem +59

    "Issues grow, when you stop learning about each other".
    I am not good at keeping conversations exciting. To understand my partner more, i play couple questions game like "Lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner expects or likes. My girlfriend loves it ❤

    • @Abhishek-vz6ud
      @Abhishek-vz6ud Před rokem

      Thanks for sharing about "lovify". I also tried it with my girlfriend. And it was really fun :)

  • @Donutoftheheart
    @Donutoftheheart Před 5 lety +360

    I have watched this 4 times today. It’s strange how this video brings me a sense of peace, awareness, and helps me understand my current relationship and how I behave in it. I’m going through a bad period in mine and I feel like I was meant to come across this

  • @theservinggirl
    @theservinggirl Před 4 lety +68

    A relationship can survive a fight but it can’t survive loss of security or safety ‼️

  • @dandamerville
    @dandamerville Před 7 lety +360

    My, my! What a fabulous talk! My wife (of 28 years) and I have put it on our weekly calendar. Our goal is to listen to it once a week. Stan Tatkin a) knows what he is talking about and b) is a great communicator.

    • @Fendora
      @Fendora Před 6 lety +11

      wow this is not a bad idea

    • @blacklight5330
      @blacklight5330 Před 6 lety

      pff Shut up

    • @InversePacman
      @InversePacman Před 3 lety +2

      That's awesome, my fiancé and I also meet weekly to discuss our lives, what we can do to help each other and we discuss our insecurities. We learned about it from the Five Love Languages, but we learned how to do it correctly by Stan and countless other psychologists.

  • @sylviazhang4092
    @sylviazhang4092 Před 4 lety +37

    "The next time a relationship moment turns tense, change your position, go eye-to-eye, face-to-face. If you tend to fight a lot when driving in a car, it’s because you’re side-to-side and glance; a glance is a threat trigger. "

  • @EmilySmith-db1zn
    @EmilySmith-db1zn Před 2 lety +55

    always hard, everything, but nothing is impossible actually, am 15 years with my man . actually we have a crisis about having a baby . after week and week i'm not still pregnant . but my best friend eve has just told me something about natural drops so I'm really cosidering buying it bc we do really want to have a child or twins 🙂

  • @lizzkl89
    @lizzkl89 Před 5 lety +61

    “Our major job is to make each other feel safe and secure.”
    “The decision to be in a committed relationship (loving, secure functioning), means being in the foxhole together, and protecting each other from the dangers out there.
    It’s not just about getting our own way, we’re suppose to have each other’s back.”

  • @lovemecom3832
    @lovemecom3832 Před 6 lety +214

    It is, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but if you to work things out you can have a happy relationship. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your relationship strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness.

  • @giftedintrovert
    @giftedintrovert Před 6 lety +32

    "there is nothing more difficult on this planet than another person"

  • @JeniferGamelli
    @JeniferGamelli Před 7 lety +246

    This just explained my last 48 hours of my now ended relationship and I just wish my partner understand this

    • @natashaf416
      @natashaf416 Před 7 lety +3

      Hi Jen, did you ever show them this video?, did you guys make up..

    • @Fendora
      @Fendora Před 6 lety +29

      Sorry to hear that. The worst part is that sometimes when you are trying to work something out and in an effort to send them something like this they will be EXTREMELY adamant to watch it or take it in .

  • @christinedozier2154
    @christinedozier2154 Před 3 lety +11

    “The decision to be in a committed relationship -- loving, secure, functioning - means being in the foxhole together and protecting each other from the dangers out there. It’s about having each other’s backs.”

  • @NRLong
    @NRLong Před 8 lety +388

    I am a couples therapist, and I think Stan Tatkin is excellent. And, he spoke in my home town!

    • @atthehops
      @atthehops Před 8 lety +14

      What Tatkin is discussion in terms of the brain is described in detail in the book Thinking: Fast & Slow, by Daniel Kahneman.

    • @calvinbesah9509
      @calvinbesah9509 Před 4 lety

      Nan still there?

  • @thabatahaddad6875
    @thabatahaddad6875 Před 4 lety +78

    "if we don't have each others back, who will?" 😌

  • @henbayumlembam7988
    @henbayumlembam7988 Před 2 lety +8

    It's soo heartbreaking to know that many people can relate to abandonment and be the pleaser.
    I hope you get better and may live a long happy life with the people you deserve 😊.
    Peace 🕊️

  • @WillaHerrera
    @WillaHerrera Před 7 lety +620

    Why could I not have seen this before I ruined my life....

    • @kumikohigurashi5366
      @kumikohigurashi5366 Před 7 lety +53

      Willa Herrera hope things are going better for you

    • @orpheasnestos7444
      @orpheasnestos7444 Před 6 lety +60

      Because there was probably a good lesson to be learned, if you were able and willing to learn.

    • @josebuenrostro5639
      @josebuenrostro5639 Před 6 lety +8

      Well... Never is later...

    • @Lindathemightywitch
      @Lindathemightywitch Před 6 lety

      What do you mean? Did your relationship end or something?

    • @heyitsxiv5188
      @heyitsxiv5188 Před 6 lety +8

      What happened, if you don't mind me asking? Spill the tea, my guy!

  • @abbdabbles6038
    @abbdabbles6038 Před 7 lety +110

    His book "Wired for Love" has done wonders for us! Every couple should be aware of it.

    • @elonbartlettdc
      @elonbartlettdc Před 4 lety +3

      My wife and I have really gotten a lot out of Wired For Love as well.

    • @9Nikko8
      @9Nikko8 Před 4 lety

      Thanks for the recommendation. Did you also read The 5 languages of love? If so, what did you think of it? What's the difference between the books?

  • @vbernard9832
    @vbernard9832 Před 6 lety +39

    "Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" Amen for Basic Goodness

  • @shernielyn3046
    @shernielyn3046 Před 4 lety +10

    "We're all capable of becoming threatening, even to those we love."

  • @Andre141795
    @Andre141795 Před 4 lety +6

    "Our major job, is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure. The world is a dangerous place, it's always been so; and right now, it feels a little scary. If we don't have each other's backs, who will?"

  • @selma-ethelamyciolan1530
    @selma-ethelamyciolan1530 Před 5 lety +28

    The compassion this man shows and the love given through every word are truly amazing. I cannot thank enough for all these free speeches that hold treasures of wisdom in every sentence.

  • @NatavanQuliyeva
    @NatavanQuliyeva Před 7 lety +49

    I liked very much. I always think that relationship must lift us up to better level (safe place, loved atmosphere, physical and mental ecstasy, companionship, friendship and so on )than we are right now if not better to be alone.

  • @donnamarino400
    @donnamarino400 Před 8 lety +74

    I just took a workshop with him and he was fantastic. Lots of logical information about how to manage relationships. Highly recommend his books.

  • @MarkGast
    @MarkGast Před 6 lety +611

    This is why I live alone. For my own sanity.

    • @atomii9455
      @atomii9455 Před 5 lety +27

      Lol.. why you are watching this? ☺

    • @rayromano1446
      @rayromano1446 Před 5 lety +26

      I've been in plenty of relationships, currently in one, but I do enjoy solitude and quietness at times. However, it's always perceived as a negative, taken as me being mad or sad; But this actually happens when I feel blissful.

    • @SystemAdministrator1
      @SystemAdministrator1 Před 5 lety +6

      A lot of guys are saying that because it's true

    • @oraromaochi5584
      @oraromaochi5584 Před 5 lety +1

      AtomX II for laughs

    • @maya9685
      @maya9685 Před 4 lety +4

      Same here - people are not with it - solo is the answer

  • @anewman1
    @anewman1 Před 7 lety +129

    One of the best Ted Talks I've seen. Very insightful and heartfelt.

  • @ioanar5121
    @ioanar5121 Před 7 lety +60

    I love the entire speech, especially the part about us being " visual animals'.

  • @MelodiousMelodies7
    @MelodiousMelodies7 Před 6 lety +168

    You have to have someone who truly meets YOUR needs, YOUR emotional demands. Like he said you.think you know someone so you stop paying attention. So often we are told we're selfish for leaving or not being satisfied BC we don't have what we need emotionally

    • @maya9685
      @maya9685 Před 4 lety +14

      What u just wrote is a recipe for disaster. Only toddlers expect ALL their emotional needs met

    • @kaylasheppard7746
      @kaylasheppard7746 Před 4 lety +14

      @@maya9685 very true. If you expect someone to meet all of your emotional needs you will not have a lasting relationship. Yet todays society projects this idealization and the fact that so many people upvoted that comment proves that

    • @maya9685
      @maya9685 Před 4 lety +5

      @@kaylasheppard7746 agree. Society promotes that as some ideal to strive for ...it only sets up people for a quest that will never be fulfilled for disappointment and for disillusionment.

    • @phamhong7154
      @phamhong7154 Před 4 lety +2

      you guys don't understand the comment? he said *meets", not "fullfill all" demands.

    • @maya9685
      @maya9685 Před 4 lety

      @@phamhong7154 well i understand perfectly well you just craftily substuting meet for fulfill. There 2 words here meet and needs .
      Needs - what are your needs ? Babies also have needs and much of them.

  • @MissUnderstoodOfficial
    @MissUnderstoodOfficial Před 7 lety +61

    So beautifully soft spoken

  • @EnjoyingLife2024
    @EnjoyingLife2024 Před 3 měsíci

    "We come to relationships wanting things to be easy.* "Our brains are very good at making s*t up." "When stress goes up, communication goes down." "Our memories can be unreliable." "We're mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time." All are good statements. It's even worse when regular communication doesn't exist. So many things can be misunderstood or deemed threatening when one tries to protect or be there for the other person despite what others think. So many false assumptions that ruin relationships before they even get started. There were truths in this short talk. Thanks for these important reminders! They were appreciated. 👍

  • @julie1550
    @julie1550 Před 5 lety +5

    I ended up crying after listening to his talk, it relates so much to my story. He always threatens to leave and end the relationship, he always asks me to admit that it is my fault everytime we argue. I tried everything, I tried telling him how I feel, what I want and asks the same about his feelings, what does he think about this and that? But all he does...threatens to leave and end the relationship. I know that I should end the relationship but I love him too much, so I end up saying sorry every single time and admit that it’s all my faults and stay with him.

    • @cedrick4781
      @cedrick4781 Před 4 lety +1

      That's gaslighting. Get help. Fast. Soon. Quickly. That is abuse.

  • @user-og8mu4ff4m
    @user-og8mu4ff4m Před 6 lety +21

    I really, really needed this; not just for the understanding that I am not alone in realizing how difficult relationships are, but also because I need to take ownership for my part. If I had realized how hard marriage really is then I can firmly say I wouldn't have done it. However, I did and now I have to learn what I need to do to help make it a solid, healthy marriage. It just doesn't fall in your lap that way as so many people, myself included, were led into believing.
    Thank you for posting -

    • @marigoldrussell6804
      @marigoldrussell6804 Před 5 lety +4

      Brittany Thurlo, I agree with everything you said except for I don’t regret my marriage and would do it again. I just wish I was better educated in relationships from the beginning.

  • @Themojii
    @Themojii Před 4 lety +7

    It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriage. Friedrich Nietzsche

  • @Gadgetonomy
    @Gadgetonomy Před 5 lety +27

    I can't tell you how much this has helped my relationship with my partner. Thank you so much.

  • @TheWildIdeas
    @TheWildIdeas Před 2 měsíci

    His work is relationship changing. Take it from a man who have been through the “process” with a fantastic patient woman

  • @Hussienaf
    @Hussienaf Před 4 lety +22

    10 minutes, I felt it like 10 seconds

  • @juanis8219
    @juanis8219 Před 5 lety +5

    Also remember to be selfless and humble. Of course this doesn’t mean you should allow your partner to hurt or abuse you. It just means there are some sacrifices that will have to be made with love.

  • @berserker2302
    @berserker2302 Před 7 lety +11

    The moment I see her, I feel like flying in the sky with beautiful wings.
    I love seeing her, I love talking with her, we spend so much time together, then her boyfriend comes and I go to the bar.
    He always doubts on her and I always try to make her laugh but she still loves him and I go to the bar again...

    • @berserker2302
      @berserker2302 Před 7 lety

      Wesley Chapman Thank you sir ! I will keep that in mind. 😃

    • @suparsteve123
      @suparsteve123 Před 6 lety +1

      Wesley Chapman please clarify why is the dad test is significant?

    • @PhillLOL
      @PhillLOL Před 6 lety +4

      suparsteve123 women's relationships to men are reflected in their relationships to their dads and men's relationships to women are reflected in their relationships to their mother. Meaning if she has a healthy relationship with her father chances are high you as a man can have a good relationship with her because she doesn't carry that much baggage around.
      But it shouldn't be the only indicator.

  • @vickilynn9514
    @vickilynn9514 Před 8 lety +55

    This man is brilliant. Love his work

  • @101Karolyn
    @101Karolyn Před 6 lety +10

    i just almost cried that was one of the best speeches I've ever heard

  • @successmentor
    @successmentor Před 4 lety +5

    Excellent presentation... he had the entire audience engaged. He has written a couple of fantastic books too.

  • @janaelizabethsekelski
    @janaelizabethsekelski Před 6 lety +3

    Everybody needs love, good communication, passion, understanding... ❤

  • @timingmile7030
    @timingmile7030 Před 8 lety +114

    such an amazing speech - this needs way more views!!

  • @RontschDaPontsch
    @RontschDaPontsch Před 6 lety +2

    THAT KISS AT THE END! My heart!!!!!!

  • @Lisa-th9dg
    @Lisa-th9dg Před 6 lety +3

    Very good lecture. I will have to remember to not fight or argue anymore without seeing the person face to face. Its so easy to argue over text these days because its always misinterpreted being read.

  • @MREGO871
    @MREGO871 Před 6 lety +50

    Very good ted talk here, he's right, we are all very difficult beings

  • @jas7869
    @jas7869 Před 5 lety +2

    This Stan Tantkin lecture is a good way to reap the benefits from a relationship session when you feel like skipping a traditional one! He is absolutely right!

  • @MarieBenard
    @MarieBenard Před 7 lety +74

    Looking forward to interviewing Stan again on Wednesday! I've learned so much from him, he's changed my life!

    • @n.rebeccafuchs3910
      @n.rebeccafuchs3910 Před 7 lety +5

      What a wonderful and insightful speech. Every person and every couple ought to see this, and if we could add it to school curricula of helping youngsters grow up with this understanding, wouldn't that be amazing! Thank you so so much for sharing this

  • @jas-n-motion
    @jas-n-motion Před 7 lety +14

    Amazing!!! Well Put. "We're supposed to have each other's backs"

  • @stanmakrushin
    @stanmakrushin Před 5 lety +1

    Wow, what a level-headed person, very comfortable to listen to him

  • @kentlegaspi37
    @kentlegaspi37 Před 4 lety +2

    that really happened in our relationship. I love her so much I came to the point I felt like she was cold so I told her she didn't pay and she came to the point where she gave up on me..in my part I didn't accept that it was so easy for her to let go of our relationship and to say that she didn't just love me..it was the most painful thing I've ever heard.

  • @tyoisme
    @tyoisme Před rokem

    Semua hubungan cinta itu sulit. Bukan karena harus banting tulang cari uang, bukan karena pekerjaan, bukan karena anak-anak yang bikin kepala puyeng. Alasannya sangat sederhana: tidak ada satupun yang lebih rumit di planet ini selain semua orang.
    Kau dan siapapun yang menjalin hubungan denganmu, adalah makhluk yang maharumit. Dan semua orang ingin hubungan yang baik-baik saja. Sayang sekali kita selalu memikirkan hal kedua tapi abai pada fakta yang pertama.
    99 persen kehidupan kita dikendalikan otak primitif, otak emosional kita. Sisanya adalah otak rasional, atau prefontal cortex.
    Jatuh cinta membuat seseorang menjadi obsesif, setiap hari kau ingin menggenggam tangannya, mendengar suaranya, mencium aroma tubuhnya, melihat wajahnya yang melihat wajahmu. Secara biokimiawi, jatuh cinta sama sekali sama dengan mabuk.
    Ketika jatuh hati dopamine menuntut lebih banyak darimu, adrenalin mencari perhatian, dan testeoteron atau estrogen menuntut keinginannya dipenuhi terus-menerus. Secara neurokimiawi, kau sedang kecanduan sebagaimana pecandu sakau pada narkoba. Dalam jatuh cinta, ini adalah narkoba alamiah.
    Setiap awal hubungan seperti bulan madu. Semua berjalan baik-baik saja di awal segala hal. Namun ketika hubunganmu makin serius, maka kesenangan mulai. Akan akan membuat pasanganmu memiliki kebiasaan baru, dan vice versa.
    Kemudian muncul masalah-masalah besar. Kau tak lagi memberi perhatian dan tak lagi menyediakan kehadiran secara penuh di depannya. Kau mulai berantem untuk hal-hal sepele, intonasimu semakin tinggi, dan ini terjadi karena nervous system atau sistem saraf kau bekerja. Kabar baiknya ini sangatlah natural.
    Sangat penting memahami bagaimana otak primitif kita bekerja.
    Konflik dalam suatu hubungan adalah hal yang sangat lazim. Hubungan kau akan tetap bertahan kendati masih sering terjadi pertengkaran, tapi yang tidak bisa hubunganmu pertahankan adalah kehilangan rasa aman dan kenyamanan.
    Masalah kita semua adalah sangat payah dalam komunikasi. Sebagian besar hidup yang kita jalani, adalah rentetan panjang kesalahpahaman, sebagian besar soal miskomunikasi. Ketika suasana hati sedang baik, kita akan mengabaikan mispersepsi dari komunikasi yang buruk. Sayangnya, ketika suasana hati sedang tidak baik, kita akan mempermasalahkan segala hal yang bahkan tidak pernah terjadi atau sudah lama kejadian.
    Tatkala sedang dalam konflik, usahakan untuk selalu berhadapan wajah ke wajah. Karena kita makhluk visual, yang mampu meregulasi nervous system pasangan ketika saling berhadapan secara tatap muka. Hindari pertengkaran di mobil karena tidak bisa tatap muka secara utuh, dan hindari pertengkaran via teks ataupun telepon.
    Kita mesti menjalin komitmen untuk selalu memberi cinta, menciptakan rasa aman, yang artinya menciptakan tempat perlindungan bersama. Tugas besar kita ialah melindungi satu sama lain dan memeberi rasa aman terhadap satu sama lain.
    Dunia adalah tempat yang tengik dan buruk. Kalau kita tidak punya satu sama lain, apa artinya?

  • @christina-zp5op
    @christina-zp5op Před 3 lety +1

    ''the world is a dangerous place especially now'' watching this in 2020.

  • @sweetmagnolia4990
    @sweetmagnolia4990 Před 4 lety +2

    I'm crying while watching this, I wish I knew all these 3 months ago.

    • @hudsonsmith8192
      @hudsonsmith8192 Před 3 lety

      I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him

    • @hudsonsmith8192
      @hudsonsmith8192 Před 3 lety

      You can contact him on WhatsApp if you need his help +2348143593494

  • @mariafabijenna
    @mariafabijenna Před 4 lety +10

    I really love this guy!
    He is brilliant in an emotional understanding way. And he got the point, what I always told to my past relationships who didnt get it. I need safety and security to feel free and be the best version of myself.
    ....so they all only know my worst side... but their fault. I told them so :D

  • @edenwakefield7392
    @edenwakefield7392 Před 4 lety +4

    Beautifully said. What a fantastic presenter and person he is!! Thank you Stan Tatkin :) you just changed everything and I've been studying relationship psychology for decades!!

  • @unthinkable18
    @unthinkable18 Před 7 lety +14

    Very eye opening

  • @user-uh5fx7ch5d
    @user-uh5fx7ch5d Před 9 měsíci

    First of all with my experiences. Try to keep your cool and any relationship. Always try to understand the other person's point of view

  • @natalienicolaou1
    @natalienicolaou1 Před 4 lety +3

    Wish my husband saw this but sadly its too late, he's already made me feel the most unloved, unwanted, unsafe and abandoned.

    • @shurouqdweikat8818
      @shurouqdweikat8818 Před 4 lety +1

      hello can i ask you for something please

    • @natalienicolaou1
      @natalienicolaou1 Před 4 lety

      @@shurouqdweikat8818 how can I help?

    • @hudsonsmith8192
      @hudsonsmith8192 Před 3 lety

      I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him

    • @hudsonsmith8192
      @hudsonsmith8192 Před 3 lety

      You can contact him on WhatsApp if you need his help +2348143593494

  • @briana14333
    @briana14333 Před 6 lety +6

    This changed my life. Thank you.

  • @smooth61
    @smooth61 Před rokem +1

    I needed that much love.

  • @alexisidro
    @alexisidro Před 6 lety +5

    I've honestly been learning so much about relationship building (not romantic, but social relationships) in the last couple of months and it's crazy how our cognitive mind controls most of what we think! If we don't think about what we are thinking, it can lead us to trouble. I still don't understand how our own minds can play tricks on us. We have to be vigilant even of our own selves. This is crazy. Am I the only one out there that realizes this? Or Am I wrong?

  • @mccorn75
    @mccorn75 Před 7 lety +23

    Great talk that speaks to the animal behavior classes I took in college. Why does a "conflict avoider" appear threatening to their partner?

    • @bozzekaka
      @bozzekaka Před 7 lety +28

      Copaxa Because he closes like a clam aka has secrets aka is an unknown factor aka unpredictable results aka threatening your security

    • @-margarita-6157
      @-margarita-6157 Před 7 lety +35

      Avoidant behavior triggers the threat of abandonment. Abandonment, for an infant, can lead to death, so it is a core limbic survival trigger within all humans. If avoidant behaviour chronically frustrates and blocks one's capacity to get core needs met and remains unresolved, it can lead to chronic anxiety, depression and other dysregulated mood-states that are manifestations of chronic fear, hopelessness, powerlessness, repressed or explosive anger/rage or even suicidal ideation. The ability to meet core needs is crucial to physical and mental health.

    • @luckypunch89
      @luckypunch89 Před 6 lety +3

      - MARGARITA - thanks for this reply. Helps me alot and gives me a direction

    • @bellla6831
      @bellla6831 Před 5 lety

      Agree

    • @vvelvettearss
      @vvelvettearss Před 5 lety +1

      @@-margarita-6157 mmm I can relate to this. My past and only relationship was so bad that whether it was his "fault" or not it did lead Me to start drinking to cope, contemplate cheating , having bad panic attacks and more frequent crying spells. He either didn't know how or didn't care to deal with the stress he was causing me and wouldn't talk about it without placing blame or shouting yet didn't want to let me go if I tried to leave. It lead to me feeling trapped and it's the worst feeling in the world and for those who are I'm abusive relationships it's not that far from dancing around deaths door. You feel trapped you have no escape the only option is drastic measures it's a dangerous place to be in . I must never forget how he could make me feel and how much he could confuse and stress me out so I don't end up there again. You're right it really is a literal survival threat. That's scary

  • @soraiya2065
    @soraiya2065 Před 5 lety +4

    This is an excellent TED talk about relationships, how and why we manage them erroneously and how we can improve on that. I feel this could also extend to relationships with family members and even friends, and if someone has a very big heart, to all those she or he meets. Well worth watching!

  • @Andy5682fly
    @Andy5682fly Před 6 lety +1

    This man speaks the truth because my partner and I have just had a fight and this describes in explicit detail of what went on during our animosity and the progression. Although talking face to face is the solution as described here, unfortunately it has past that stage for me and I have broken up with her.

  • @shirlanne08
    @shirlanne08 Před 7 lety +3

    Thanks, I just needed this so badly. The only person close to me broke my heart. I miss him though.

  • @brittianyistre
    @brittianyistre Před 2 lety +1

    Childhood trauma has a lot to do with it. A lot of us weren't raised how to be towards someone & reactions we have because of our trauma of not being loved.

    • @watching7721
      @watching7721 Před rokem

      Even if it's not trauma, our early lives influence the way we are and the choices we make

  • @visuallization
    @visuallization Před rokem

    I come back to this video every now and then. For me it really helps and it is kind of eye openning.

  • @goddessinfin9itecompletion554

    Still watching this video , yet this is such a good video , that i have to save and re listen , to fully better understand. that alot of my issues is in the brain. Makes sense, thanks so much for sharing this relationship , brain , and the power of chemicals bouncing . And what is natural thing we call life.

  • @H1GHD3FF
    @H1GHD3FF Před 5 lety +12

    I never been so emotionally stable and balance not being in a relationship, yet I feel like I have no soul

    • @ra251
      @ra251 Před 5 lety

      are you an aquarius?

  • @MonroeSim
    @MonroeSim Před 4 lety +3

    Explains why most of my arguments have been over texting

  • @nicciGT
    @nicciGT Před 6 lety +1

    he is spot on about the memory part!! My husband and I will argue and at one point it becomes a he/she said issue and it is such a waste of time..

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  • @marielos87
    @marielos87 Před 7 lety +11

    Finalmente alguien me da la razón, detesto chatear y mas si es para discutir algo importante por que necesito verle la cara los gestos a la persona, eso es importante en una conversación.

  • @flame_princess-o4t
    @flame_princess-o4t Před 4 měsíci

    I’m so glad that I found this video in time 😞

  • @BELIVE114
    @BELIVE114 Před rokem

    Even when you have somebody you feel worse than when you alone. Love is strange, it feel good in first place but also make me question everything when thing go wrong. i feel like everything i done not good enough, myself is not enough delicate to my partner. Sometime i wish never met her so i don't have going through all of this crazy feeling

  • @gymrachel
    @gymrachel Před 7 lety +1

    best advice from someone in the know. Never date someone who is joined at the hip to their ex, on the phone to them lots each day, and spends Xmas with them every year. They will always put them before you. Rise above it and look to the future.

  • @ajasmine9864
    @ajasmine9864 Před 4 lety

    probably one of the best speeches out there about human relationship

  • @jxuann89
    @jxuann89 Před 4 lety

    It's a dangerous world out there. You need to have each other's back.
    A relationship can survive quarrel but cannot survive threats and insecurity.

  • @calli11
    @calli11 Před 5 lety +4

    Stan touches on so many great points, his talk is packed with good info.

  • @chandrikagarodiya7331
    @chandrikagarodiya7331 Před 2 lety

    This has to be one of the greatest videos on relationship maturity i have ever seen 👍👍

  • @TheSearchers1000
    @TheSearchers1000 Před 2 lety

    Fabulous talk. Words to live by.
    Protect each others backs. And, I can add, each others hearts.

  • @junemoonchild69
    @junemoonchild69 Před 12 dny

    Relationships are easy. The only reason we think they are are difficult is because we keep hearing they are, so they are. When you find the right partner, you"ll understand, it is perfect, there's no problems, there is someone out there who will get you, no matter what you do...saying that fighting is unavoidable is crazy! Assume that there is a mutually loving relationship out there for everyone, you just need to leave the ones that are bad asap and keep looking. EVEYONE? NOT TRUE! There are plenty of ideal and lasting relationships inn the world...I know because I have one. ❤

  • @TienTran-im5gs
    @TienTran-im5gs Před 7 lety +5

    Very insightful and heartfelt

  • @sarfraztalukdar4313
    @sarfraztalukdar4313 Před 2 lety

    Act accordingly to keep it that is what is needed to create a successful one

  • @Lis422
    @Lis422 Před 4 lety

    „Human communication, even on a good day, is terrible. We mostly misunderstanding each other most of the time. When we feel good, we don’t care that much, but when we don’t feel good, we care a whole lot. And when stress get up, human communication gets a whole lot worse. Memory is unreliable. Memory is faulty, folks. In a fight for who’s memory is right, you are probably both wrong.“

  • @thaithaovy.1
    @thaithaovy.1 Před 4 lety +2

    i've never heard someone explain the brain so well. i Thank You!

  • @noelking438
    @noelking438 Před 7 lety +5

    I'm crying??

  • @pauljamesmcauley6593
    @pauljamesmcauley6593 Před 4 lety

    He is so articulate I. Crying break ups are bad he is the man

    • @hudsonsmith8192
      @hudsonsmith8192 Před 3 lety

      I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him

    • @hudsonsmith8192
      @hudsonsmith8192 Před 3 lety

      You can contact him on WhatsApp if you need his help +2348143593494

  • @hannapersson9936
    @hannapersson9936 Před 6 lety

    I found myself nodding for the second half of this film, he is so right. Truly amazing.

  • @courtneyjackson7235
    @courtneyjackson7235 Před 6 lety

    "We need our eyes". This is something so powerful and so commonly forgotten now.

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  • @fireflymary9269
    @fireflymary9269 Před 2 lety

    Brilliant explanation! Super helpful. Took me my whole life to figure this out. This is to be expected. This is why science matters. We humans are getting better at properly sorting out what and who we are as a species.

  • @Nina-vv3ev
    @Nina-vv3ev Před 2 lety +1

    This was great.. so much wisdom! God bless that man & he’s so funny