Why Won’t He Apologize? | Harriet Lerner | TEDxKC
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- čas přidán 20. 10. 2016
- Harriet Lerner is a clinical psychologist and New York Times Best Selling author who has turned her attention to the subject of apology. Harriet’s talk explores why some people may never get the apology they deserve. Harriet will also offer a 6 sentence guide to reaching the one who hurt you, and to making your own healing apology.
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts. A renowned scholar on the psychology of women and family relationships, she is the author of twelve books, including The New York Times bestseller, The Dance of Anger, which has sold several million copies and been translated into more than 35 foreign editions. Her new book is called Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
I lost my wife to cancer five years ago after 53 years living together. Now I am old and alone and have no one to ask me what was I thinking when I bring home five ripe bananas. Oh, how I would love to hear that now. On my next trip to the grocery store I’m going to buy five ripe bananas just so I can imagine her telling me how silly I had been. God, how I miss that now.
Thats really sad to hear :(
Be happy you had 53 years of great life.
People don't live forever..
Until you join her occupy yourself with good thoughts and lead a constructive life style.
@@KumariKumari-fw7nc that was an unhelpful, unempathetic, insensitive response. I’m sure you can do better.
@@calisongbird I am sorry if my reply has not been good.
I meant it in a good way.
As a Buddhist we are always reminded of the impermanence of life.
I do apologize if my comment gave him any heartache.
I wish him well.
That’s beautiful Jim
To all the Margot of this world: I'm sorry if someone doesn't see your value. You are not alone. You are the bravest person of this world. Big hearts come from biggest injuries ❤
She was SO RIGHT when she said it creates a crack in the foundation. I feel like my husband chips away at a little piece of me every time. I wish she could be my (our) therapist.
I hope you were able to either heal your situation or get out of that marriage.
Heartfelt and clean apologies are a huge societal problem. I'm so glad she is talking about this issue.
dan casey
I so agree.
My mother kicked me out when I was 12 because she lost her iPod. After 15 yrs I decided to confront her and the closest I got to an apology was "I'm sorry for everything that you believe I've done". The harm of this delusion is beyond words and I really hope that people can start to realize this and accept their accountability in their actions.
@Jamie Wooder I sincerely wish men and women would sincerely apologize when they need to and take gender out of it altogether. It's not a woman thing or a man thing, it's a human being thing. And an apology should never include an "if you" or a "but you." It's a matter of kindness and taking responsibility for our own behavior and transgressions towards others.
@@07citychamp keep Faith in God then souls connect with love and coprate in life. Respect parents because of them we are on earth God said. Moody and stubborn behaviour brings lots fear in life. Stress and guilt stop blessing. Discrimination brings lots fear. God is our inner beauty. God is in every heart. Cut down desire only grateful then god will open doors for you. Read religious scripture or positive thoughts it gives you positive life. Do little things for others builds up happiness in life. Be kind be honest be grateful obey souls respect rules help souls.
If we do praise of God then souls have apologies other wise their pockets empty they can’t do anything good they are grounded.
I am coparenting with a passive aggressive covert narcissist who drives me to anger. As a result, my anger distracts from his manipulation. He will never apologize and it’s my job to never react to his behavior.
Same.
I’m separated from mine. They won’t ever be normal. And they cause too much pain.
My "X" of 18 years had never said I'm sorry. As many times as I asked him to, at best he could say he's sorry I felt that way. X is the key word here
"Sorry u felt that way" GRRRRR!!!!! My psycho ex narcissistic abuser would say same and I knew immediately Whst he doing & would confront. Fight worse. Uughh...
I share ur frustration if the word...
I really struggled with this for a while. I was told from a young age that I have an "overdeveloped sense of fair play" which has led to a lot of problems in my relationships (romantic and platonic). This is just the kind of talk I needed right now. Thank you.
Katy TerBerg I hear ya, you are not alone!!
I've never heard it worded but people always make fun of me for wanting everything to be fair. And if I had to describe myself with one word that's usually the word I use. I've never realize this was a thing.
I am exactly the same, as a child I would always exclaim how unfair a situation is but was told to stop complaining and be the better person. Meanwhile when I want to point out how something is wrong I am told that I am self-righteous. It hurts a lot.
Hi, Have you found this origin of this issue for you since then?
Did you fix it?
Sometimes we have to forgive someone who isn’t sorry and accept an apology we’ll never receive.
Why
No... we don’t HAVE to. We choose to because we become accustomed to just “letting it go” to keep the peace....it’s okay to not always be a peace keeper!
Uff. This hit home. But you’re absolutely right.
No we don't
No we don't.
I just can't express how deeply, on-target, her talk was for me. I have wrestled with this almost daily for years. I'm so very grateful to her sharing her experience. I now Know and Feel I will be able to, not only try, but
continue to forgive the person with all my heart.
I already knew I deserve some apologies from some people but this has made me realize that I owe some apologies too and this vide has encouraged me to give them. Thank you!
I know a certain family member who never ever apologizes to me. I will be quick to apologize my mistake, but this family member quickly accepts my apology without returning the favour. It really hurts because they will say hurtful things to me and think they are perfect and never make a single mistake.
Amen same here, God bless you
Same here. In my case, he is an emotionally abusive, narcissistic sociopath, so I now just avoid him completely.
This is exactly what happens to me. I'm always truly sorry. But never receive reciprocal
Narcissism is dangerous.
For an empathetic person it’s cancer.
@salmaumar5750 both parties don't always have something to be sorry for. An apology where you expect the other person to also apologize isn't a real apology. It can be a manipulative way to get someone who isn't at fault to apologize for reacting to being abused, aka reactive abuse. Reactive abuse is a natural way of responding to being treated poorly. You should only apologize when you're really sorry and know what you're saying sorry for, not to get the other person to admit wrong-doing.
Best TED talk I've seen yet. Really made me grow and learn to apologise and express my pain in a non narcissistic, self-centered or manipulative way.
I loved how thoughtful and clearly Lerner communicated the tricky nuances of the offended and those who apologize.
Harriet Lerner with her book "Dance of Intimacy" helped me to improve a significant relationship in my life to the level of understanding and listening that I never thought would be possible. Her writing is filled with humour, empathy and a profound understanding of relationships as systems. Thank you Harriet, there are a few people that I admire so much and who contributed in such a constructive way to my life is you did. It's still a learning for me, the people and myself, but a much clearer one now.
divannko
BK Shivaji English
she's a very beautiful person, her books are life-changing
Hurting people hurt people ❤ I hope those whom aren't able to vocalize an "I'm sorry", recieve the right love and awaking to help them be a better soul. 🌸Namaste
I don't always think that is true. the person who won't apologize to me never seems like they are hurt, they come across as insensitive.
Hurting people hurt people is never an excuse for anything. I know you didn't say that but as a practicing psychotherapist I have to dispel those words as a reason to excuse. Who is it for? Not the hurt one.
@@tammyrhines it's something hurt people say to themselves to mitigate the effects of abuse...i make this excuse for my family & myself.
@@kimlec3592 yep I hear it a lot. Most of the time people don't know what to say.
@@caramelunicorn8023 yep. People with NPD.
I wish she was my therapist, I know what she means when she says about angry conventations will only end in defense, but what if at first you tell them calmy that what they said to you hurt and even after that they dont say sorry to your face. It hurts the most when you do make yourself vulnerable then you get one of those blame reversing apology.
Sadly my spouse is exactly this way, so I feel for you. He's not used to ever seeing his dad apologize and his upbringing was not one that encouraged expression of feelings, even with two loving parents. It's just the way some people are and it's SUPER difficult for the person on the receiving end. It's like pouring salt on the wound - you're already hurt and then the "blaming" apologies just hurt you even more. Wishing you blessings on your journey, we all have our own journey
I used to get mad to my boyfriend over things that I used to think deserve an apology then I adapted to HIM, why did he never apologize? why did he never understand me? why did I have to understand him? and he never understand me.
I am in the exact situation of yours.
I wonder what happened to you with your boyfriend?
@@afagelsheikh4097 I wonder what happened to you both? 👀
Males never apologize because they have been raised and treated as if they are never wrong, an everything they do is golden, perfect and genius, even if they are committing actual crimes. I am so sick of this.
An inspirational TED talk on this important subject of apologies within human relationships. Harriet brings together humour, authenticity, empathy and a very important message in one short talk. It was heartfelt, sincere and uplifting.
Wow thank you for this talk her voice is calming and her message is powerful.
People just say sorry to get you off their back and don't mean it the majority of the time.
yes, but its worse when they don't apologize at all for me.
Great advice, I will order the book to get the full version on how to apologize and how to give an apology.
Very well constructed story line and clearly made the point.Brilliant!
*I just loved it*, from the beginning to the end!!!
And I don't know about y'all, but I understand when she says that the apologizer, has low self-esteem!!! Because it takes a lot of courage to forgive and to apologize when you're right (because technically you don't have to), and that courage comes from self-esteem (to know who you are)!!!
Beth_9 Beth_9 yup
She sounds like a joy to live with.
Smart lady
Thank you so much for this Ted Talk Harriet! I absolutely loved it. Now I feel I can do a better job of moving on with past hurts from family and loved ones.
Does it even matter receiving an apology that is not even honest? I was with my ex for some years and he cheated on me and apologized but always kept hitting on other girls all the time and I just couldn't keep up with that, and somehow now I'm a bad person because I couldn't tolerate all this, and because as he always said "why don't you just get over it?"
Same here, God bless you
Those were clearly inauthentic, non-apologies, if he continued to hit on other girls. Him saying “why don’t you just get over it?” was classic gaslighting. Good that you got out of that toxic relationship.
Had something very similar. They can't accept any responsibility, it always has to be someone else's fault. I was told I was "unbelievable" for not accepting a fake sorry and fake promises of improvement.....once you've seen through them, you can't un-see it. You absolutely did the right thing
This really hit home. Thank you 🙏 you’re amazing 🤩
that was an healing explanation..Thank you!
She is an angel, her books are life-saving
Excellent! Very insightful and helpful. Thank you!!
0 to 6 Childhood development plays a huge role in this subject. Do your job to raise your children with this knowledge so they are better fit when the challenge comes to them.
thank you for the strength this gave me. Just someone who understands. my family and girlfriend all stand on a rickety platform. This video will help them as well as I. Love to all who feel insane due to being repeatedly gas lighted, I wish you strength and I hope you that you stick around with hope that things will get better in some way or another even if it doesn't seem possible.
This isn't going to help anyone who is deliberately gaslighting you. They don't care.
@@chaoswitch1974 I know a lot of the time, the way narcissists act, It's rational to make that judgment, like to pretend they care when they are acting like completely horrible people is almost more insane than them. But I've seen it that if a narcissist gets broken down. For a breath period of time. You can see really that it's not personal, they're just so scared and they don't actually want to hurt you. But it's probably circumstance based whether you ever get to see this. Because it's my family and my mum is a narcissist, not a sociopath. So to actually reply to what you're saying, I think that actually depends on the person and the severity. Much love.
A wonderful, healing talk. Thank you.
I did not cry...oh my god, she is great.
Thank you for sharing this. Worth listening to!
Four days ago I was physically assaulted by my ex-boyfriend! I wanted an apology and explanation from him so badly, but I'm letting go of that idea! I have been expecting a call with an apology but I'm making peace with the fact that I will most likely never get one! This video really put things in perspective for me! Thank you 🙏🏼💖
Someone who would physically assault you is not the kind of person who would apologize. They lack character.
@@LuckiestStarByFar Exactly! In the end, Justice is being Served! He is currently in jail. Karma is very real!
Mine violently assaulted me on NYE. No apology either and actually tried to gaslight me saying I bust my own lip.
It’s in the hands of the police now.
I don’t know if he’ll feel remorse or not.
Hope you’re okay x
@Mary McQuillan I hope you are doing okay as well 💜💛🫶🏽🙏🏼 How have you been feeling? I hope you're healing journey is going well 💓
I'm glad you figured out he's a neanderthal.
Wow, what a great speech!!!
I loved that talk so much
This freed me
Great talk, thank you for the insight
shame about the audio quality - but thank you for the upload! this was very interesting and helpful x
This video requires more views n comments! A strong message for better n sustainable relationships 👍
"I went at him like a trial attorney"
I wish I had watched this video first. Very helpful. Thank you
Loved this- very helpful thank you
I think it was really great.
Good talk. She did provided a solution
I So Needed This.
The best advice I ever gotten!
Thank you so much 🤗
Thank you!
excellent
Well said!
Amazing talk
Thank you 🙏 to you and Margot ❤
This was great:)
She is totally amazing. My fantasy is to meet her in person.
Excellent
Thank you so much for this insightful information. I was told I don't apologize but I really was trying to but it hard when you're always being blamed for doing something wrong. And that is what I had been asking for to just deal with the offense at hand. Thank you.
You need to get your head out of whether you're being blamed for doing something wrong, which is actually deflecting and blaming a person who is holding you accountable. You need to look at it whether you did something wrong or not. If you did, apologize. If not, get that person out of your life. If you keep wronging another, or if they keep feeling wronged, you're better off not being in one another's life. One of you is abusive. I can't tell which based on your comment alone.
@@chaoswitch1974 she admitted to be a narcissist after the final discard
I agree with this completely. But I think that whatever the cause of a person’s inability to apologize, if that person hurts you, avoid them.
Beautiful
11:00 perfectly explained ❤
Twice when I was young I was treated to apologies from boyfriends. The one who hurt me the most was in the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step process. It felt like he was hurting me all over again as he only really cared about his making amends step. The second time was even worse. The man called to confess in detail how he had cheated on me when we were dating. He was trying to absolve himself while telling me something hurtful that I might have never known. Luckily I didn’t get stuck with either of them. 😅
The ripe bananas were 100% his fault.
I think that whether you perceive apologies as helpful, depends a lot on what you want. If you want revenge, for that person to hurt or suffer, humiliate or realize they aren't worthy of the title "human", then there prob is no apology that would suffice. If you want to forge a relationship, change an opinion, correct a mistake, then you'll probably be more receptive.
I dread the day that ppl stop talking, and accept separation, and hate. It's what I see happening a lot, with some showing acceptance, tolerance, and empathy. Prob most people are a mix of all at different times. There really is, scientifically anyway, only 1 current race of human: homosapien.
She's great, funny, and she really looks like a Harriet.
Omg! This is so me and hubby troubles🤭
Don’t do it again Steve
I have seen this play out so many times (regarding the last few minutes) when you remove the extras that allow people to easily escape into defensiveness/justification (if we're honest it's what we're looking for, right?) And deliver the message in a way that if received at all requires more presence and reflection, the outcomes are much better for those involved
That movie was so good 😅
Do you think it's a good idea to apologize to a professor via an email or it's better to confront her?
If we have selfish behaviour souls doesn’t like to say thanks because souls knew each other from heart that’s why so many people says she or he doesn’t says thanks to me soul knows our heart or feelings. So be honest in life. Selfish behaviour brings fear in life.
Is not bi-polar disorder diagnosis becoming over used and harmful to the public at large?
I'd heard of this difficult pronouncement of peoples state of mind, far ahead of having any understanding of what in the world this 'hanging by a thread' diagnosis really means.
Psychology is lacking more and more in truly helping anyone. Compassion itself has become compartmentalized and therefore, absent altogether when it comes to, 'heart'.
The mindfulness book "30 Days to Stop Apologizing" by Harper Daniels is helpful.
Why he won't apologize is the same as why she won't apologize.
To much pride.
It's not the original transgression which is so hurtful, it's the "but..." (fill in excuse) that quickly follows it, which means there's no apology there to be had. In my relationship it's an apology is seen by my partner as a capitulation, a weakness. The smallest critique is defended & denied. If there is an apology a "but..." follows. What to do when that's an all too common scenario?
So what after you wrote an honest letter? What if they just don't care about it,they don't give a s*** and they will never give you the apology you deserve?
I did hurt someone. Someone who I love...and it was not my intention at all. But I couldn't tell him my fears because it always turned to be an argument, so I decided not to. I decided I'm gonna try to fix myself and see what's going on, why I'm stressed. He said I ignored him. Altough I said I just need to find it out and I need to calm down.
He didn't care about my letter, he didn't care that I talk with an open heart. He was talking very nastily to me and he just cut the contact. So what do I have left? Letting go?
Just accept it, right?
Hi i feel for you story! That's why i want to anwser. I might be wrong in my conclusion but this is what i got out of it: you don't Wright the letter to someone and hope for a respons. You Wright the letter/note to let them now how you feel and how you do not put up with what they said or did. Your words should be of dignity and honosty. If that is thé case you are true to yourself and Know you did the right thing. Thé fact that you don't expect anything back makes you have the power. This is what i believe thé inside out process of hapinnes. If however you Wright a letter or note expecting a specific respons or apology you give away your power. So only wait (give yourself time) until you are ready to share what you think when you don't expect anything back. That's where your true power is
Seems like you are making demands of someone you did wrong. They may have pointed out that there was a pattern. its good to admit wrong. It does no good to demand the solution by x date... Its up to them now. Its a relationship.
Me hits the like button right after hearing the first line ❤️
Wow, some people have No Clue !
Well she did a great job of stating the problem, but offers no solution. How do we deal with blamers and people who won’t apologize for even the most aweful and hurtful things they say?
You have to accept that they probably aren't sorry.
Either that or their ego is more important to them than you are.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your own mental health is cut the people who affect you negatively out of your life.
Read het book "why wont he apologies". This Will give you the anwser
Not be the around the person
Learn to accept the apology you never received. You have to let it go. Carrying it only harms you. ❤️
She did provide the solution: don't let people off the hook by resorting to blaming them for blaming. Instead, be courageous by showing vulnerability and expressing the hurt that their words and/or actions caused. If they respond by saying, "I don't care how you feel," or, "good that I hurt you," then double down and say that it hurts that you feel that way. Keep doubling down if you keep getting empathyless responses.
💛
Moody and stubborn behaviour brings fear in life. If we never did praise of God then we don’t have apologies in our pocket because God give souls apologies . Discrimination brings fear in life. Praise of God make us fearless and confident in life. Serving souls depression go away. Without praise of God everything we do in universe is cause. Faith is big pillow. Do praise of God then souls coprate in life and connect with love. Moody and stubborn behaviour brings fear in life. Praise of God can do anything or everything in life. God is our inner beauty. God is in every heart.
Bananas never get added to the compost bin.
You know what I notice? Many people doesn’t talk about female abuse and neglect. It’s almost as f it never happens.
I accused someone of something they didn't do but l literally can not bring myself to apologize even when l know it's the right thing to do what is wrong with me lm sure lm not the only one either. :(
Be strong. Apologize sincerely. It will do you good.
You probably feel ashamed and that’s a bad feeling. Apologize.
I would not apologize for that as well. I would just consume the bananas within a day and a half.
❤
I feel she is a fellow virgo 😂😂😂
There is something wrong with a person who gets mad over banana’s
You must not ever have been married!
CASH !
He?
ha
Cause they are narcissists! You'll wait forever for an apology from them.. Over and over again.
the real key is not to demand apologies and to be strong enough to understand the person who doesn't wanna apologize and forgive it
badoisnjsbdjs no.
I wonder whether you have ever experienced an abusive relationship. Apologies and acknowledgment matter.
If only I could have 1% of this ability to apologize
No
not everything is forgiveable. HL offers that we can atleast reach acceptance
why not send a letter with just 5 words "I feel contempt towards you."
That letter was terrible. Never tell a narcissist about how you feel. You are only giving them more power.
John Doe in case you are dealing with a narcissist I agree. In any other case it's a good idea.
I Disagree. You only give them power when you expect a certain anwser (or in this case an apology) back. If you don't Care what the anwser is and just send a note, with dignity and maturity, to Know your story is out there, then there is no power in there hands. You only Will Know them better by the respons, or Lack of it
Having extensive experience with narcissists, I did not get the impression that the teacher was displaying narcissistic traits. It's apparent he isn't one because he responded with empathy and an apology. Something a narcissist would not do.
No she empowered herself
How on earth did you interpret what that teacher said as “narcissism”?? It’s obvious by his 2nd response that he meant well with the 1st one, but had phrased his sentiments awkwardly and in an unintentionally hurtful way. A narcissist would not have responded to her letter as positively as he did.
Excellemt
Im noticing a lot of female stereotypes are being brought up in society as if they are male stereotypes. I cant remember the last time a women apologized to me. Even an ex that cheated somehow made ME feel guilty. Whatever though. Already 5 minutes in so i’ll finish it.
The "he" in the title was used ironically, mockingly. She was making the point that "we" all tend to look to the other person for making a situation right , or better, with an apology; that is giving away your power, acting as a victim. And in all honesty, women tend to act as victims more than men, particularly in relationships. So, if you think of it in those terms, the title was confronting women. And, the example she used was of herself acting hurtfully. It was she, Lerner, who owed the apology to her husband -- and she gave it, with humor.
BTW, her book which this talk is based on is titled, "Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts". Not Why Won't He Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.
The therapist for Margo sure wasn't up to the task.