Planning our Sensory Friendly Wedding - Autism/ADHD wedding
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- čas přidán 20. 03. 2022
- I wanted to spend some time talking about how Aaron and I planned our wedding to meet my needs as an autistic person, as well as reflecting on how it went and things we might have changed.
00:01 Introduction
01:59 Planning overview
07:55 Sensory preparation
14:06 Social preparation
18:06 Budget
19:20 Looking back and what we would change
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I am not autistic but I am introverted and this honestly sounds like my dream wedding. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I never considered any of this in this light before. I got married 10 years ago when I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism and ADHD but knew right from the off that a ‘normal wedding’ wasn’t something I could cope with and was something neither of us wanted.
Made similar changes to you.
We basically had all the vows stripped right back to the shortest possible. Anything that wouldn’t keep me lingering in front of people and speaking for any length of time.
Removed all poetry/singing options etc.
neither of us is religious so we had ours in a hotel in Wales with chickens and pigs and a dog.
Visited the venue 6 or 7 times before the day and either stayed over or had a meal there and got familiar with it.
Had a buffet.
Scrapped the top table.
Scrapped seating plans.
Had everything relaxed and informal.
Scrapped speeches.
Scrapped cake cutting
Scrapped first dance
Scrapped a pro photographer. I can’t pose, feel too awkward etc. so my husbands uncle took candid photos through out the day without me noticing.
Had a magician going around performing tricks to keep the guests occupied between the ceremony and the food.
Had constant snacks brought out.
Allowed people to each sweets during the ceremony.
I made activity packs for all the kids that were going and we had a bouncy castle among other things from calm to silly to accommodate them.
Had mini white boards and markers on the tables for hang man/Pictionary etc as well as UNO/guess who/scrabble/dominoes etc on all the tables as I hate making conversation at wedding tables. But again we had a super small guest list and everyone basically knew each other anyway.
After dinner we had a silent disco so people could adjust the volume of their own headphones
Whole thing start to finish was 8 hours, wrapped by 11pm but we had a room in the hotel where I went off and had a nap half way through for an hour and came back in a comfy dress, cardigan and slippers!
Thoroughly enjoyed it. 10/10 would do all over again. My husband and I regularly think back and love every decision we made. Most people didn’t know our plans ahead of time and those who did were really baffled/sceptical/questioning. But in the end everyone loved it. Still get comments to this day from guests who say it was the most fun wedding they’ve ever been to.
*edited to correct typos.
Plan I've got with my partner: Letters or a video message booth/room for a speeches alternative.
I'm autistic. We have kids who are neurodivergent. He's ADHD. I have no family at all and my only friend is his sister in law. We want it to be child-friendly, have neurodivergent child relatives too. I feel like speeches would be far too overwhelming for too many people and would drag the day out longer than necessary. Letters or a video recording booth will give everyone more privacy and freedom with it if they want to say things, we don't get overwhelmed. And we get to keep it, too! Plus nobody gets anything embarrassing shared publicly.
He had a very big family. He has loads and loads of friends. I don't really have anyone; I cut my very toxic family off years ago. So, we're going to try and work it so that this doesn't become too big a deal either.
This video is really lovely to see and will be really helpful. ❤
"I'm operating at a much slower pace to everyone else" this rings so true for me, you're not alone 💞
I’m 47 and last year my partner proposed. Without a doubt he is the love of my life and I can’t begin to imagine a day without him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled he proposed but within an hour or two, I’d already starting feeling really anxious and very stressed. The idea of “people” and venues, music, lights, blah blah blah just fills me with dread. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be his wife but oh my goodness, the thought of a wedding just really bothers me. I found your video incredibly helpful and it’s almost like I’ve been given “permission” to keep things very small and short and that’s OKAY. I hope you’re able to understand how precious and powerful your message is. Thank You so, so much. xxx
Your wedding TikTok meant so much to me. It was liberating because it gave me the permission I feel like I needed to plan a day that is respectful of my sensory needs. I always assumed that I would have to suffer through a traditional wedding (with loud music/noise and people and new environment and unfamiliar foods and a scratchy dress), but now I feel much less guilty about breaking the 'rules' and planning a day that myself and my spouse can enjoy.
That is so wonderful! Thank you so much for writing this and best of luck with planning ❤️
After swimming though so many stories about how "tough" NT brides have it, literally cried to find your video. Watching girls struggle with details like 'the wrong pink' was just not a struggle I'd share. I'm working to plan something nice for my husband who would have liked a wedding but i couldn't put up with the demands, having your story in my pocket is going to be a good touchstone for me. Thank you! 🖤
I so glad I listened to this because I've struggled all my life with larger groups, noises, etc. I've had meltdowns. I know you said everyone is different, but I struggle with the same issues.
I just finished watching your (beautiful) cottage tour and then found this video. Thank you so much for sharing about your wedding. I’m a 56 year old woman just beginning to explore an autism diagnosis and your willingness to be open about who you are and what you need is so encouraging. Love your podcast!
Dear Mona, once I visited Stourhead , which was on my bucket garden list forever, and it rained cats and dogs the whole day like crazy for hours and hours. But it was the only day we could manage to go there, so we decided to grasp a huge umbrella and go, no matter it was raining so badly. When we arrived in the late afternoon, the whole garden was completely empty and not one single person was in the garden at all. We had it completely for ourselves and it was magic. The rain stopped and the sun came out as well. I will never forget that day. So glad, that you managed to have a happy wedding! 💕🥰
Amazing! There’s a life lesson in that experience ~ never assume.🌸
I am so pleased I found you on CZcams, I have a son who was diagnosed with autism late at the age of 20 and myself at the age of 50. It's been a long journey for us both to understand and validate who we really are and the relief it brings. Your wedding was just so beautiful and your cottage reminds me of mine, a safe haven. You bring such joy and calm and understanding, I wish you all the happiness in life thank you again x
I loved this video so much as I’ve never been to another wedding like this. We have been married 27 years and had a lunchtime wedding in the country at a restaurant on acreage surrounded by forest. We got married in the garden then moved inside for the meal with only 55 guests - mostly family. We had soft background music and no dancing. My husband and I did not want to be arrived in a church or be the centre of attention and were trying to work out how to make it low key and relaxing for everyone. If people thought it strange we did not have dancing or loud music they did not say so.
I cried watching this video. I’m so glad the algorithm made me come across your channel. I found you from your house tour and binged a few videos before coming across this beauty. This video has made me feel seen and heard. Myself and my fiancé got engaged last summer, unfortunately 10 days later I caught covid and have had long covid (LC) ever since (18 months and counting). It’s very similar to ME/CFS and we’re incredibly sensitive to noise and light etc. It’s been dreadful trying to navigate this new life with this diagnosis and trying to adapt to the peaceful life (I was a very outgoing extrovert before I got sick). How you’ve described your condition is almost identical to myself. I I’ve been so overwhelmed and anxious thinking about our future wedding and almost gave up in having one as I just didn’t think it was possible because of my health etc. You’ve given me SO many ideas for our wedding and have given me the confidence to go ahead. The venue is absolutely gorgeous!! Thank you so much for making this video. 🤍🤍🤍
P.S I’ve just subbed!
My heart goes out to you. I've been living with ME/CFS for many years now and can only imagine how difficult planning an event with LC could be. I hope that you can build rest into the entire day. Best wishes for an amazing wedding!
I never thought of making my futur wedding sensory/adhd friendly. ( i am very far from getting married at the moment but your tips are something I will keep in mind for later)
I am half french and I only want to one french wedding (or wedding in general). It was my oncle's wedding and I remember feeling so overwhelmed because all of my extended family was there and my aunt's extended family and their friends. And it was so long. It lasted till 4-5 in the morning. I had to go to my grand parents' car at 9 PM (even if normaly I am a night owl) and I just slept there for the rest of the party and I was kinda made fun of the next day for leaving so early.
This kinda made me dread the possibility of ever having to get married in France because I would have to invite all of my extended family and have such a long event. The length of the event is really what killed me! And it was so noise with the music and I had to socialise all the time with people I more or less knew. Honestly I did not have a good time. The only good things were that I got to see family members I really see and my aunt and oncle were happy.
Your video really made me change how weddings. Like of cause a wedding should first and for most should be enjoyable for the people getting married and meet their needs instead of following formalities 🤦♀. How could I have not though about it before. (We really live in a neurotypical world)
Still formalities are so important to french people so I don't know how thing would play out. It might even cause a rift in the family🥲 But a shorter wedding and with only close friends and family would definitively make for a more enjoyable event for me. The earplug are also a great idea.
I plan on having intimate wedding too!
Based on my culture, we can divide the plans to few different day, one day for solemnization, will take around 30 minutes and then follow up with some food brunch/ lunch/ dinner, usually only close friends and family will attend.
Another day for reception which could go from 100 to 1000 guests and more, because we will invite extended family and acquaintances.
My plan for intimate wedding is to have solemnization and lunch/dinner with his her parents and siblings only. Then if we decide to have a reception, then we could celebrate it few weeks or months later with only my big family and friends, which I know them personally. 🥰
You are absolutely precious. I just found you on CZcams yesterday and the videos I've watched have been SO interesting. Your gardens are perfect and I love the way you dress, but by far the best is your spirit, which is so sweet.
I found you because of your beautiful gardening videos and now am delighted to have learned how you two have so beautifully honored yourselves in your marriage.
This is very interesting.
I understand the hour part with regards to noise in layers, it is so hard.
Your wedding sounds beautiful.
I like my own space and find noise overwhelming...
I'm an artist too.
this is so helpful! i'm autistic adhd spd dcd and my partner is adhd and whenever we've spoken about getting married it's always sounded too overwhelming for me. i'd prefer to elope but he'd prefer to have a small wedding with his family (i don't have any family so that would be really hard for me) but it's all about comprises isn't it? we both don't care for rigid, inflexible traditions or a religious wedding so knowing it's possible to do it differently gives me hope! also seeing how you and aaron compromised but still ended up having a beautiful day is also giving me hope 🥲
I think it is absolutely fantastic how you designed your wedding. It looked absolutely lovely and how wonderful for it to be a relaxing event, as stress-free as possible. Congratulations!
We eloped in the Caribbean because of these issues.
Thank you for sharing your wedding day & personal story behind it. I found it fascinating to hear your perspective as a neurodivergent vs your guests perspective. Your ideas & suggestions were very helpful for everyone, not just neurodivergent. Well done on making a beautiful, meaningful, affordable & personalized wedding day for yourselves. It looked & sounded like a gorgeous, picturesque, & peaceful wedding. Congratulations to you & your husband. Wishing you both a lifetime of happiness.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I’ve truly never seen anyone talk about this before despite me being neurodivergent and lots of my friends getting married, which I suspect is likely just as you said about people going along with the status quo of weddings
I wasn't diagnosed yet. But did almost the same on our wedding. I enjoyed hearing your story. Thank you.
Your wedding did look so peaceful. In retrospect we tried to achieve a similar thing 10yrs ago, but i wish i had seen your wedding tips before hand and i probably would have done things even smaller, with more breaks. We had 80 guests, but i feel a much smaller and quieter wedding would have been wonderful! I am not diagnosed with autism, but i do feel i have some similar tendencies.
Thank you so much for sharing all of your insights and all of the ideas about how to make any event, not only a wedding, a bit easier.
This is such a lovely idea to share for people. i have sensory issues for whatever reason and my tiny wedding was a lot, think something like this would have been good to have seen back then. deffo agree that its hard to find venue for smaller party size x
You are a beautiful woman. Thank you for your openness. I love watching your gardens
Omg, I can't even express in words how grateful I am to you for this video! My oldest son is 14 and has autism. I hope one day my boy will get married and have a family of his own! Thank you so much for this video!
I am on the spectrum and my husband is an introvert so we had a small one hour lunch for our 25 wedding guests after the townhall registration and a cake and coffee one hour reception after the church ceremony. We did not want it filmed or photographed. It was 26 years ago and I would not change a thing.I think everybody should plan the day to match their needs just like you did
This and your tiktok have been so helpful for planning my own wedding this year, thank you 😊 we’re also having a very small guest list and no evening bit, and seeing your beautiful wedding really gave me confidence in our choices as well as some other really helpful ideas for managing the day x
My daughter is autistic and adhd she is 22 next month . When I saw the channel name Monologue I was thinking oh that’s Atlanta , my daughter, I’m here because I found you love David Austin, I’m late to these Roses 🌹 but totally obsessed now , hyper focus on learning everything I can learn about roses
You both are just wonderful. Sending many blessings your way.
I came from the BuzzFeed article - so glad you've put this all out there! I'm AuDHD and we think my partner is ADHD and we are planning on getting married at some point in the near future, but accessibility is one of the reasons we're hesitant (we also both have various physical disabilities). This is so helpful and gives us some ideas for planning
What a wonderful video! Thank you so much for sharing. It could help a lot of people. Xx ❤🇬🇧
I’m not neurodivergent person but your wedding was beautiful and stunning. I found you on TikTok and instantly followed u on Instagram as well. Defo gave me ideas for when I eventually get married xx
I have a son with Autism and intellectual disability, he is a social butterfly, loves people and needs that interaction. I'm the opposite, I'm an introvert, I get such sensory overload being around people, specially if it's a long while. I'm here listening to your sensory needs realizing I always try and find a way to get out of the crowd for a few minutes, even in a small group. I do sometimes wonder if I have sensory overload because I'm a momma bear and have had to be anxious while being protective of my child... or has it always been me? Anyway thank you for sharing your story and bringing awareness so different causes, introverts included. ❤
That sounds so nice. Thanks for sharing your experience so I can understand better
Such a beautiful wedding lovely! Such a wonderful morning helping you get ready and seeing you off in the Morris 🥰💖
Hi, your wedding sounds amazing. I have ADHD and Autism - we got married just the 2 of us which worked best for us.
Si no dices que eres autista...no me entero....no entiendo inglés,lo hace el traductor...hablas muy rápido,para ello hay que pensar rápido...eso es ventaja...y desventaja para el que escucha y no sabe bien el idioma...eres muy creativa como una hada del bosque,o una abejita..
En un maravilloso jardín!!
How wonderful, I was subscribed for your gardening and watch a few extra episodes each week - just got to this one and it's so timely. Thank you!
I enjoyed this so much!
Beautiful photos. Congratulations to you both!
I really love this. Thank you for sharing ♥️
Your wedding was gorgeous!!! I also enjoy our garden Vlogs. I garden as well.
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing to the world that might not know how it is.
This is really really helpful. I was very concerned about how to do the big W thing while also being on the spectrum. So many videos seem to be for people who like big parties, with lots of big family and friends. Everything you decided on made so much sense to me- Nibbly food choices, less conversation, smaller venue, home for prep, get rid of disco etc., (Also, love the venue, Somerset is gorgeous) This is really encouraging, thank you :)
I have ADHD, my oldest son has ADHD/Autism, my husband has ADHD.. My 5 year old daughter and one year old son is to young to be diagnosed.. And gardening is my best medicine.. It makes my brain calm and my soul happy! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m having one next year and I’m terrified! I hate being the center of attention. My fiancés side of the family is huge and I only have two people I can count on to come. I don’t consider anyone from his side as a “safe person”, except maybe his daughter. I asked him to keep it small and he can only pare it down to about 40-50. I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I had a solo art show a few years ago and had to hide behind the scenes most of the time.
I found this very interesting and could see a lot of myself as you spoke about yourself, the hair in your face being one of them. I have never been diagnosed with anything like autusm but i can't cope with noisy places and big social occasions. I do have anxiety, but have often wondered if I am a bit on the spectrum. I didn't have a big wedding either and still felt overwhelmed. I did not like being the centre of attention. Thank you for your openness.
Thank you Ramona, I'm not autistic but I dream of a wedding like yours. Even if a wedding is always stressful, a smaller than yours seems less anxious 😊 I've a lot of trouble with the surrounding noises and the bustle, so you motivated me to go get custom earplugs!
I had a huge wedding. 500 guests. The venue people set it up for like 200 people and said most likely we would have a type of trickle. Where people would trickle in and trickle out… oh no. Everybody came. And nobody left. Lol! Thank heavens I don’t struggle with sensory or anything because MAN that would have been a nightmare. I’ve never even thought about it. It’s so wonderful to have access to this kind of information so as to be more sensitive to those around you.
How do you know that many people?!
That is really long! Ours went from 3:30 to 9, but actually with photos and hair, I guess we really started the day at about 11... Ugh
You're the most beautiful person in the world...
🎩wow🎩
👍💐💐
Lucky guy.
Aaawwwwwwww
A nice parasol might have helped with the glare of the sun.
That would have been sweet ☺️
Commenting again - sorry! Just dawned on me.. you’ve more or less summarised the neuro-divergent way of looking at things. Some might look at us as ‘non-conformist’ or ‘outside the lines’ etc but I thinks it’s just logic and reason. I mean for instance, a wedding is something you hopefully only do once, spend a lot of money on typically and is for you. I remember thinking, I’m paying for this, it’s for us, we’ll do this one time…why would we do it the way that works for other people who aren’t us in a traditional way just because it’s tradition and no other reason, to please other people who aren’t paying for it, who’ve had/ may have their own wedding if they choose and have those things the. If they want them? Why wouldn’t we do it the way that works for us? And I thinks that’s why we loved it. It was us in the form of an event. I wish everyone could be so lucky to have their day the way that makes them happy. I’m so grateful I was.
I struggle with the thoughts of a wedding a lot and a smaller day would suit me better too. But can I ask, did it feel strange just taking off your dress in the evening and having no evening do or dancing?