12 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
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- čas přidán 23. 07. 2024
- Counselor Carl (serenityonlinetherapy.com) offers relationship advice with 12 tips for setting healthy boundaries. He encourages you to practice with trusted friends or family first and to be patient with yourself as your learn these important new skills for healthy relationships. He gives specific examples of how to set boundaries and stresses the importance of being firm with those who disrespect your boundaries and warns against sending mixed messages. He makes the important point that you cannot take care of yourself and the other person at the same time when establishing a boundary. Counselor Carl's straight-forward teaching style makes complex concepts easy to understand. Counselor Carl is a licensed, professional counselor with 19 years of clinical experience both online and face-to-face.
1:47 without anger, calmly, respectfully, with as few words as possible. Not allow to be drawn into an argument. Noted.
2:36 feel the fear and shame and do it anyway. Take care of yourself.
2:57 you can't set a boundary and take care of the feelings of the other at the same time.
3:16 when to set a boundary. When feeling angry and resentful for instance.
4:35 double down if boundaries are not respected.
4:45 you decide when to set boundaries. Progress, not perfection...
5:05 learn to trust, honor, listen to yourself.
@Deb Harris you're welcome. I found it so helpful
You all probably dont care but does anybody know a way to log back into an instagram account..?
I was stupid forgot the login password. I love any tricks you can offer me.
no one ever told me about setting boundaries. i thank you for the help here. i lived with 2 different men for 30 years who have narcissistic personality disorder. never heard of personality disorders either. both are recently gone out of my life. thankfully. at 60 years old, i find i have alot to learn. those covert narcissists do all kinds of under-handed abuse. beware! they are deadly.
+the humble servant You're welcome! Best wishes on your journey to recovery and healing.
the humble servant
Good luck to you! 😍🤗
Yes, they are deadly.....my decades-long abused husband by his malignant npd mother died suddenly & unexpectedly in 7/18 due to undiagnosed heart disease due to high bp from incredible frustration & pain - get & stay away‼️‼️💯💯💯
@@godzillamanstreb524 They are and selfish i went no contact for a year now and he stole from me a single parent so i should have listened to my intuition
Please keep making these insightful videos, counselor Carl. You, among others, have helped me save my life.
I'm glad you found my videos helpful! I try to post a new video every two months.
A boundary is a boundary. If someone does not respect that, they gotta go!
A short but sweet saying! Ha
I can't even explain how spot on this is. I can't wait to see my progress. ❤️
Best wishes on your journey to healthier relationships!
Did you stick it out? Any update?
i needed this lesson, i'd never even heard of the term boundaries until searching for answers after a recent break up.
when my ex was saying things that really bothered me, i just took it ! damn!! i didn't have the confidence or maybe enough self respect to just say "stop, i don't like what you're saying, consider this from my position".
not any more. thank you Carl for this video.
You're very welcome!Best wishes on your journey to recovery and good health.
You are very easy to listen to and you get to the point, which is great.... It was just the right length , too... Thank you....Its something I have to work on... I always fear hurting peoples feelings....but if I set boundaries in a kind but firm way, as you have shown here, it may hurt some initially....but it might also help to gain respect I have to ask some friends to please not message me every day, and especially not during the day....Then I add: Thank you for your understanding!
Seeing boundaries is a skill. With practice we get better. Best wishes!
Morning! Thanks for being clear and straight to the point- I can understand things better this way. Also, thanks for the wonderful examples in step 4. They are VERY helpful.
Thank you! It's amazing how much solid advice and wisdom you managed to contain in such a short video - much appreciated.
+survived and thriving Thank you for your kind words! Best wishes!
Thank you very much Counselor Carl, I discovered approximately 2 months ago, with my therapist, that I grew up with a Borderline mother. Now I am learning about boundaries so that I can respect myself and put boundaries with the people in my life, at this particular moment which would be my current roommate. I am moving to a new city in a month therefore I am looking for girls to replace me. She is very picky and even said today that I take care of her. I am learning how and I am going to be respectful of her basic needs and at the same time allow myself to respect my own boundary: I am not responsible for more than a few things. It is not my responsibility wether my roommate likes her new roommate's personality or not. She met a girl I found today and simply said that she doesn't like her. Even though I looked for a girl that respects her religious boundaries and is even going to pay a little bit more than what I pay, for my roommate. I am learning how to be assertive with me and respect my own boundaries. Thank you, I will try to add a few of your tips in setting boundaries with this situation. Looking forward to hearing more about healthy boundaries from you.
Thanks, shubit03, for your kind feedback. Learning to be assertive and set boundaries is a key to healing and recovery. It means you are learning to take care of yourself in relationships.
Thank you for your videos. It has taken me a lot to reach a point where hearing this message finally sinks in to a point where I can do it.
You're very welcome! Learning to set boundaries can have a big learning curve, but it begins with knowing what healthy looks like. Best wishes!
found your videos from my trauma & family class, really enjoy your videos and there is someone close in my life that got some painful truth from your work, thank you so much
You're welcome and I wish you the best!
Such great, clear advice. THANK YOU. So glad you are here Counselor Carl. I said it before and will keep saying it, because I am so grateful.
You're welcome, Pip. I'm glad you find my videos helpful.
Thank you thank you thank you so much this is one thing I really been missing in my life raised in a dysfunctional home barely learning this
You're welcome! Best wishes!
I liked the clear delivery of this. Good work. will check out your others!
Thanks, Tiare for you kind words.
I am so glad I found your videos counselor Carl thank you for.. I am helped and enlightened greatly by them Thank you....
You're welcome! I wish you the best!
Thank you for the video I always feel like people in my life most of the time are over stepping their boundaries
Now you have some suggestions as to what to do with people who don't respect your boundaries. Best wishes!
After having a lifetime of my own boundaries crossed, it's really hard learning a seemingly simple thing.. like setting them! Thank you SO much for breaking this down for us, after soaking it all in.. I am in preparation to apply these rules to my life on a daily basis & for the better! Amen!
You're welcome, Zanni. I wish you the best!
Thank you sir! This is one of the videos that helped me the most with my recovery. I came to your work 8 years ago. I literally wrote your tips down onto paper. I read them over and over again until I internalized them. Until this day I still read them once in a while. And I can see how much of a progress I've made. You have your share in it. Now, I'm passing your wisdom onto my son. You've helped to heighten two lives. Thank you.
Thank you, Benjamin, for your kind words and for sharing your story.
Dear Counselor Carl, the Signature tune and the Sign Out tune is very Soothing and brings in Peace along with some memories very close to my heart .... I am very Grateful for your Presence. Regards ...Tanusri
Thank you counselor for your practical advice.
You're very welcome! Best wishes!
Made it so simple. Thank you
You're welcome, Michael!
this is one of the best videos I've ever seen thank yo6
Nett Graham. Thank you very much! Best wishes!
Thank you Mr Counselor. I did both- thumbs up and subscribe. Will learn more from you in coming days.
Samjhana Shakya. You're welcome. Best wishes!
Love the music.
Very helpful and informative. Tks
Great video. Good examples, direct and to the point.
Thank you! That's my goal - straight and to the point.
Thank you
I need to work on not sending mixed messages! Good refresher for me to watch this :) I also try to take care of other people's feelings while trying to set a boundary, which defeats the whole thing because then my boundary doesn't get any respect ~~thanks
You're welcome, Stephanie!
Very helpful and specific!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank you. Very helpful.
Earl Grey You're welcome!
Thank you doc Carl❤️❤️❤️
You're welcome!
thank you for this practical advice
You're welcome!
Thanks a lot, very helpful
L Th, I appreciate your feedback.
Thank you this is great
You're welcome!
I love your helpful channel!
Thank you!
Thank you 😊
You're welcome!
I am so grateful with you.
I'm glad you find my videos helpful. Best wishes!
Peace love n positive energy
I love this video 💙💙💙
I get a bit anxious when it comes to setting boundaries because I’m unable to read body language due to my visual impairment and I worry about what the recipient is going to do lol!
Hi, Mumina, reasonably healthy people will respect your boundaries. Severely dysfunctional and toxic people might not, in which case the best boundary is distancing yourself from them. Best wishes!
Thank you Carl.
You're welcome!
Thank you SO much!
+Thubten Puntsok You're welcome!
you can add me on Facebook... my name there is Thubten Puntsok Vincenzo Pisano....
I know you're just making videos when it is convenient for you, but I really need you to make more videos.
I appreciate that you benefit from my videos, but I am only publishing a new one every 6 weeks or so.
Thank you really helpful
Valueyourself. You're welcome!
Thank you!
Linda Björg Þorgrímsdóttir You're welcome!
thanks a lot sir
You're welcome
What great advice - thank you for what you do Carl x
You're welcome!
Susan Webster's CZcams b
I need this lesson thank you for sharing this video with us Amen😊👍🙏
You're welcome! Best wishes!
I had anxiety just watching this, I need boundaries! My boss wills scare me on purpose because he knows I will jump.
Yes, it sounds like you need to skillfully set some boundaries with your boss. For example, you could tell him that you know he's just trying to be funny, but being startled is not something you enjoy so please stop.
ty 👍🏻
You're welcome!
Thank you for your videos i am eager to learn i am ready to put this into practise i would like to know what should i do when i practise asserting my boundaries with a family member that will not co operate ? regards Julie .
+Julie Andrews Hi, Julie. When someone will not respect your boundaries, then you cannot have a healthy relationship with that person, so you need to create distance between you and that person. You can refuse to interact with them or even end the relationship. In some severe cases, such as a stalking ex-boyfriend, you may have to get the legal system involved through No Contact or protective orders.
What about family members who set boundaries for interactions for other family members? Like when you are admonished by one family member to not talk about certain subjects at a family function or demanded to act in a certain way towards another family member. Or, you are demanded to act a certain way that will be scrutinized as to your performance during and after a family get together.
budcat7 Well, it's complicated, but telling another how to live is not setting a boundary. It is being controlling. Still behaviors have consequences. If I say you can't where shoes in my house and you violate my boundaries, then I might not let you in my house. But you can't tell me I can't wear shoes in my house.
Very good. I should practice
Thank you! Good practicing!
Great video Carl. Regards from India
Thank you! Best wishes!
Thanks again your video have opened my eyes to boundaries something I lack wisdom.My friend ( very sensitive/ emotional)and I having some problems off and on over 2 years. She has set boundaries because she upset with me ( I said something jokingly and she told it differently I apologize) it’s been almost 2 months I haven’t heard from her. She ( needs to heal and find herself) and am working on myself also am starting to get frustrated/stressful because I can’t hear from or talk to her. And I don’t want to push her I send her grift she thank me but boundaries ( she reach out to me when the time is right) . Am willing to stick it out and wait but the question is how long should I wait?
Hi, Keron. How long is she asking you to wait? What is she communicating to you through her words and behaviors? Have you reached out to her and invited her to talk about the relationship and how to repair it or make it better? The answer to these questions and others should tell you if you should hang in there with her or let her go. In other words, I can't tell you how long, but she might be able to. Best wishes!
I should watch more of your videos on Boundaries..
I am going to try to make this all about a local YMCA.. First there were a couple of Personal Trainers that would interrupt me when I was talking to others.. Then they would be on 3 machines at the same time and virtually take up the whole gym..
This example is when I should have cancelled my membership and went somewhere else.. I started going to the YMCA around November and weather was cold and miserable.. My main reason was to use the hot tub.. The hot tub was having issues and every time I talked to a staff person they would tell me something different.. Even the staff told me not to go to the CEO.. Eventually I did go to the CEO.. The CEO told me that the Health Department shut them down.. I just happened to be in the County Building for something else and I figured I would stop at the Health Department and find out for myself.. They told me that they did not have anything to do with the hot tub being shut down.. I told the CEO and they said that I can go somewhere else.. I should have at that point..
I was stretching in the spin class room when someone came in and cranked the radio.. When I told the staff they said that people can do that.. I said "Great, I will bring my Pantera in and play it." Then they went and made the person turn the radio off..
Then I started taking this yoga class when there about 20 people but it was growing.. I had people moving my mat.. I asked the Instructor if could put my mat up by them.. They said yes.. Anyways, once the class was around 40 people and someone literally put there mat up against mine, even though there was plenty of space. I talked to the instructor after the class and they told me to move. There was a retired State Patrol and a semi-retired DNR agent in the class. They said for me to move my mat by them. I told them that they were not the authority in the class. They completely understood.
There were a lot more instances I can say. I look at boundaries as what behavior will I tolerate. A lot of my questions to myself go along the line of "Why am I tolerating that behavior?" Within the first 3 months of me being at the YMCA and dealing with the hot tub issue I should have left and then I would not have dealt with all this other dysfunction. If the people who have authority are against me then why am I there? Yes, they can say that they are neutral but their behavior over and over said that they were against me.
Thanks for sharing, Darin! I wish you the best.
Very helpful
Janique Hutchinson. I'm glad my video was helpful. Best wishes!
#12 - This what it’s about.
Nice tips,When a person cannot respect my boundaries, Bye,you are out,, ......👐
Thank you! Best wishes!
thank you for your reply i thought that is the best course of action its actualy my youngest adult son he has anger issues however i can not have a loving close relationship with him if he keeps blowing up on me for any reason i told him this his response was that he doesnt care bout anyone but himself hes got chance now to think about what i said and if he does it again i will assert my boundary and lovingly walk away regards julie .
+Julie Andrews If you refuse to talk with him unless he speaks to you with respect, then if he wants to be part of your life, he will change his behaviors. There is a lot of truth to the statement that people only abuse us to the degree we allow it. Best wishes!
This good. Life-saving.
mikem987 I'm glad this video was helpful.
Counselor Carl Extremely. Not always easy having to set boundaries. Just had to set one today, and the fear and shame was tough, but knew I had to set the boundary. Thank you again.
mikem987 Good for you!
Counselor Carl Thank you! :)
mikem987 You're welcome!
WOW!!
+naomisad I hope that meant you found the video helpful!
oh yess! _/\_ Namasthe
Thanks for those tips. I am sure they will work with most people.
However, dealing with severely disturbed people affected by PERSONALITY DISORDERS, no boundary I set has EVER worked.
So, I changed tactics. Since last year, I dumped the most PLANNED and DAMNED of them and started keeping in check those less dangerous ones, as a male chicken keeps in check the female ones in the farm.
I am afraid to say that at times the best boundary is the one set deliberately in the enemy's territory.
That is exactly what Julius Caesar did to stop incursions by disorganised German tribes across the river Rhine. 😃😉😅
You are right. I am talking about "12 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries," but of course there are people who won't respect any boundaries. So, with such people the only healthy boundary is no contact or distance and sometimes it is necessary to get the legal system involved with No Contact and Protective Orders.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy THANKS. I had them in my formed families, my ooriginal family, and at some work places. I developoped psychological issues myself, last but NOT LEAST of which PTSD. To me the worst are at work place. Because we depend on a salary and cannot move easily. Of these ones, I did report one to the police and nothing happened despite I showed written evidence of stalking, intimidation, and even what amounted to forced labor.
After all of this I changed strategy. Started telling the tales to the World. Got some spare cash aside to cover for jumping ship at work and already dumped a new boss affected by that seemed to be Antisocial Personality Disorder on the spot.
And since beginning of this year after suffering for decades at the hands of these MONSTERS that nurture and NOT Nature produced, I do not go to the police anymore. I do justice myself.
One of my motto is: there is no more EVIL than who plays the EVIL with conceousness, determination, and without FEARS. Anyway, this is my own approach to deal with DISTURBED and DISTRUCTIVE minds. From the bottom of my heart, I would NOT reccommend my approach to ANYONE concerned. Good people should just RUN instead. But still please TELL the World until our states get serious about fixing disfunctional families before their disfunction spills into society at large.
This is nothing short of extraordinary. I found content with a similar message, and it was breathtaking. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thank you for sharing!
I had to move in with strangers last year, one was the absolute worst, I was overwhelmed by how many boundaries she violated, establishing a few boundaries is easy, but what if it is relentless and from all fronts.
Well, living with someone who has no boundaries is dysfunctional and even toxic. If your boundaries are not being respected "from all fronts," you need to get out of the that situation as soon as possible. Best wishes!
Yes, I finally decided I had had enough and moved out, problem is, and it would be wonderful to get your advice, is currently I am still obsessively ruminating all the things she said/did and the responses that I bottled up in order to prevent another argument from breaking out, any insight on how I can let it go, tried writing all my arguments down, hasn't really worked.
If you are out of the abusive situation and no longer in that abusive relationship, then every time you find yourself ruminating about what happened just ask yourself "what can I learn from this?" and if there is nothing else to learn, then you should intentionally practice bringing your attention back to the present moment (rather than remaining stuck in the unhelpful rumination). I call automatic unhelpful thinking and rumination "spam." Here is a link to my article on "spam:" serenityonlinetherapy.com/spam_of_the_mind.htm
Toxic People never respect boundaries until you just end the relationship ,especially a parent...
Yes, toxic people will not respect your boundaries, so there is no negotiating with them. You must act unilaterally to take care of yourself, which might include ending a relationship but certainly would include distancing yourself from them.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thanks.Counselor I love your channel..precise and to the point...
counselor Carl please help me.my 45 yr old husband passed away june26..2016 it was very sudden no sickness nothing.I thought he was napping.I had asked him if he was tired he said God yes.very unusual.I walked away.I looked for him and he was in our room laying down.omg I went to him and he was gone.I blame myself.my grief is unbearable, we have a 16 yr old great son .he's holding it in.I cry cry cry.I don't want to scare him he hardly leaves my side.please please help me.I'm broken :(
Patricia, I am so sorry for your loss. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, then talk with your doctor to see what help is available.
+Counselor Carl he suggested a church group.I left a message with a counselor.they did not call back.I don't know what to do.
+patricia david Try calling your local Hospice. They offer grief support groups.
+Counselor Carl Thank you so much.Bless you.
+patricia david You're welcome.
Am I setting a boundary by telling my husband to please stop arguing because it literally is making me sick? He continues to argue anyway. What am I to do? I always end up arguing back? Thanks
Hi, Ana. Certainly two people in a relationship need to work to resolve differences. However, if he all he does is lecture, yell, put you down, etc. rather than listen to you respectfully and express himself to your respectfully, then you can set a boundary by saying something like, "If you continue to talk to me in a disrespectful way, I will walk away until you can discuss the issue with me in a respectful way." And then if he continues being disrespectful, walk away.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you so much for the example it will help me a lot.☺️
@@anaalfaro8054 You're welcome, Ana. I wish you the best!
Ol’ George W. Busch lookin ahhhh… 😂
counsel Carl.there is nobody who is willing to help.I'm on my own.grief stricken .why.I always help people. :(
Hi, Patricia. Talk with your doctor, pastor, Hospice, or see if you can find a grief support group for grief. You could also contact your local mental health center. Best wishes!
this was so simple and matter of fact. thank you.
I had a crappy leach at work who became obsessed with my love life. He was one of those weirdos who thought God was inspiring him about my love life. I told him to stop and that I would get a restraining order on him if he didn't stop. He didn't stop. But emotionally I know he is still obsessed in the limited interaction I have had with him. How do I put up an effective boundary. And I am nervous he will become violent if I block him out. Help!
Hi, Troy. Since this is something that is happening at work, you should go to Human Resources or your boss and explain what is going on - the harassment, and your fears.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy I already quit the job. But I can't seem to flush all the disgusting things he said out of my mind. They are affecting my already poor mental health.
@@troyterry6919 Hi Troy. I suggest you talk to a therapist about how you have been affected by the harassment at work. Here is a video that might also help: czcams.com/video/-C-Lv8Agtk4/video.html
No rationale for boundaries..? No reasons for when and why they are needed..?
Hello New Zealand! In the first sentence of this video I said, " In my previous video, Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, I explained what boundaries are and why healthy boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships." Here is the link to that video: czcams.com/video/0lSkuLzOiQM/video.html. I wish you the best!
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thanks.
Thank you
You're welcome, Cat!
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You're welcome!