Adult children who are narcissists
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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We need more on dealing with adult narcissist children
Yes we do. I had to go on a hunt just to find this video.
We sure do. Iâve been reading up on narcissistic personalities as I felt sure my daughter was one and after 2 years I found this and OMG how validating, thank you Dr Romniđ
Yes, we really do! :)
We really do.
Absolutely!
Sometimes parents need to disconnect with cruel narcissistic adult kids to be in peace and donât be ashamed , they are responsible for their own actions and parents donât need or deserve to be punching bags!!!!
Thank you. I have to agree.
It took me so long to do that! I kept blaming myself
I hear you
You canât unring a bell itâs just somebody elseâs turn in the fam to be a narcissist.. it came from within
@@devantesinclair9109 Not always. My daughter has burned every family bridge to the point she has been removed from wills.
This hits hard...I feel the pain of being "punished" from an adult child.
No matter how much I give...it isn't enough or right đ
Sorry for your pain, I resonate, it feels like punishment for loving someone unconditionally, such a heartbreak
@@helenquinn9444 thank you for your empathy đ
yep . i hear you
I feel the same, always a punishment. It's awful. I feel like a piece of dirt no matter what I do and she controls the grandkids, uses them as weapons. Can't take this anymore.
@@kathie6585
So deeply heartbreaking. I face this daily. I have cared for grandcild for almost 8 yrs , since he was born and I never know when my daughter will and has separated him and I out of the blue.
I will say my grandchild now recognizes his mother as the issue. Thankful to God he can discern this now.
She calls him all kinds of names. It hurts him deeply he tells me.
An effort to distabilize him.
We live in evil world. I pray for our children and grandchildren.
Kathie my dear I felt the need to send this to you.
czcams.com/video/ihrUIPfvTH8/video.html
The worst part is the loss of the grand children who are ultimately the victims đą
My granddaughter who is 3 whom I raised from a week old is now being kept from me by my 30 year old narcissistic daughter. I cry everyday. Sheâs vindictive and turned everyone against me. My granddaughter screams for me and I feel like im grieving a death. I canât do this.
Omg how true....my grandson tried to correct his narcissist đš father when his father was reprimanding me.....I had to let go of my adult son....I am worried about my grandson....
You nailed it. The adult child has no idea what they're doing..... Her father's a narcissist..... đ
Good luck đ
I pray for my grandchildren whom are being abused by her. I've done everything I can do, cps call , praying, tears for years but I refuse to continue to be used, manipulated and abused by her any longer. The toxicity stops here.
Praying for safety and loving healthy relationships for all the children, may their pain be seen and stopped I pray
finally found my people in the comment section. Thought I was dealing with this all alone. We need a support group because this cripples us as moms and we can't talk about it without sounding like a bad mom.
I agree!!!
Exactly! And then that feeds into the shame we feel about feeling this way!
Not just mother's. I am a partner to a man experiencing this pain
I am beginning to believe that alienation happens to the better parents, not the worse. Especially when facilitated by an alienating co-parent
Absolutely đŻ
This is the most painful thing. I've spent over 20 years trying to save my daughter out of guilt and heart break till finally I've come to realize that she is actually a narcissist who's been playing me.. sucking me in and spitting me out over and over again. My heart is broken in so many pieces. I've finally put up some boundaries and coming to terms that she isn't a nice person nor does she care about me. I don't think my heart will ever mend.
Hi...
You will begin to heal...you can't change what you allowed in the past but you can control how you direct your future. You've recognized the manipulation and you know what you should do for YOU! I know...it's tough as the mother, but the strings must be cut. It's time for them to see life without the support system that they've manipulated and taken advantage of for so long. We do not need people in our lives like this...adult children or not.
Take care and stay strong !
Same situation here. I felt exactly that way. Worship helped me a lot.
OMG I understandđđȘâ€
I still have trouble with the guilt. I can see mistakes I made. How can a parent think they were perfect or even near perfection? đ€
Iâm going through the same thing. At times I canât sleep, eat, concentrate on work and every time my daughter texts me, I get anxious knowing itâs going to be her telling me off for not texting or calling her more often.
We need more on surviving adult narcissist children. There's lots of videos on surviving narcissistic parents, but not many on adults who need help navigating their adult narcissistic children. Thank you for the video.
Yes this is what Iâm looking for!!
They can leave home and grow up
amen to that... đŻ TOTALLY AGREE! dr phil has some really good podcasts regarding this & other narcissistic issues
I totally agree! Itâs the hardest way to live life đąđ Even to find local support groups would be amazing! Just knowing youâre not alone is helpful. I pray for every parent going through this hell đđ»
Oh my goodness Dr Ramani , I deeply appreciate your insightful video on this profoundly painful relationship. I have been blessed with four children and felt deeply called into motherhood, even as a young mother I did my absolute best to be a consciously responsible and devoted parent. Out of my four children now all between the ages of 30 & 40 years old my second born has been a going concern from birth and at 38years old fits the description of an adult narcissistic child.
She is deeply loved and we all do our utmost best to find peaceful ways to keep our relationship to and with her by asserting our boundaries as needed.
I Thankyou and Bless you for the validation I have received through this valuable content I truly feel less alone âšđđœâš
This cycle is so exhausting. These children just take everything from you with no remorse. Iâm in the same boat, sending a hug.
âTo remain in an adult narcissistic childâs manipulative prison for the rest of your life as some sort of payment of debt you owe them is unhealthyâ.
I broke free from mine. It was tough but I did it. I realized things would never change. Being pushed to the brink of suicide and realizing that's what she wanted (even confessed it to me) was what set me on the road to freeing myself.
@M J It's heartbreaking but I don't think there's much you can do. If your grandchild grows up to be a narcissist themselves they too will end up treating you badly (even exploiting you for their own gain) but if they grow up to not be a narcissist you'll be able to form a relationship with them in the future. In fact they'll most likely welcome a loving presence in their life after being raised by a narcissistic parent. Sending you much encouragement.
@@anta3612 I do understand that
@@anta3612 be strong!!! Hope you learn happiness. I need to, too
@@andisandis3144 Sending you healing, love and blessings.
I honestly thought I was alone having a narcissist child. Like on an island by myself. I can not express how much this video helped. Thank you so much.
Youre not alone
@@nancyginsberg1566 you're are not alone, if you only knew
Youâre not alone. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
You are definitely not alone!
Define adult child .You mean an eternal infantile adult who didnât mature or grow up.and sometimes donât leave home.
This is the most painful situation of my life . Everything you said is true. It feels like there is no escape, even with a No Contact. Love to all who are living through this âŠâ€
Hugs!
I grew up with a narc mother. Very traumatizing! Married a narc (high school sweetheart) when I was 18 to get away from my mom! That was literally running straight into the fire! Divorced 14 years later. My oldest son is just like his dad! I canât cope with it anymore. Iâm in my 70âs now. So Iâve had 3 narcs in my life and I now just want peace. That means being alone but at least itâs not abusive!
That is my story except mine is a daughter who manipulates with the grandkids.
We need to love ourselves the most. That gives us the most to give.
Very similar to what I am experiencing đą
Sounds like my life first my mom then my husband now my daughter Iâm 43 I hope to live alone with a dog or cat . I canât with humans anymore
Would rather have peace and be alone
Having seen THOUSANDS of comments from people having the same problem, I really think we should start a community or a 12-step group for us who are in this situation.
How? I need it, for sure!
Me too!
Count me in too
I would certainly be interested. Itâs hard to find people that really understand the devastation we are going through. I donât know how to get started but Iâm in!
I'm in as well
Honestly I would watch these videos no matter what quality the sound/video are. The information you give us is so valuable and healing.
You are so right..mEt. Ramani is so awesome and gifted in her communication!!!!!
I completely agree!
I agree, today it feels like the good doc is in an attic trying to sneak out information to The masses. đđ
For reals!
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Ha ha...excellent
It is very painful to hear and recognize... we have to let go of taking responsibility as a parent. As they get older... their choices are theirs. All we can do is love them... but from a distance.
They make they own decisions đą
I can't take the abuse anymore. My heart is broken.
I have found that anyone adult who is a narc is a child who never grew up.
Commonly called « Arrested development »
Jenifer Johnson Very true.
@Jenifer Johnson You have put you finger right on it.
A Narcissist develops as they become an Adult from UNRESOLVED TRAUMA, which they, as a child, have never got over. In some ways they remain Childlike, but with an arrogance that they are better than everybody else and are Entitled to special treatment. They believe they are never wrong and PROJECT anything wrong onto anyone around them, as it can't be them in the wrong. This can very well be seen as Childlike.
They usually get stuck at the age when they experienced trauma
Lion Simba right
I just had to go âno contactâ with the last hurtful person in my toxic family, my beautiful daughter. Iâve been her emotional punching bag and I finally set boundaries with her when she became a âflying monkeyâ in my toxic motherâs smear campaign. Shaming, blaming, diagnosing, accusing, dismissing, gaslighting, no empathy and controlling. Iâm an Empath who was really enjoying my peace so this has been very hurtful. Money doesnât enter into it but emotional abuse does. Iâm crying but Iâm glad we all live in different states. Itâs still very hard. But I want to be free from the cruelty. Now I maintain the boundaries I set. No contact is my saving grace. I deserve to be free, happy and peaceful. When I am outside of the narcissistâs grasp, I am safe.
I am currently enduing the same abuse. So difficult to imagine the precious daughter I raised had become such a vicious, cruel human being. .Every attempt I had made to encourage positive thinking was contorted into a hateful message. Finally blocked all phone texts and email messaging.
@@LadonnaLindley Same here except I could not being myself to block. After a brutal discarding and stating that she wanted to terminate our relationship the insults, via txt,continued. Receiving no response made her insults more vindictive , damaging and as cruel as possible. Excruciating to witness her pain and misery even when not being blamed for it.
I stay no contact, keep at peace and guard it at all costs.
My daughter called 5 years ago to randomly tell me, "sorry, I'm not the daughter you expected" no explanation needed, according to her, good bye mom. Let me talk to Dad. "If you ever leave mom, let me know, you can reconnect with your grandchildren. In almost 6 years, I've filled bucket of tears, I cannot get through to her ANY WAY. she, and her in-law family, collectively blocked me all at once on SM, or deleted me. It was such a beautiful moment in my life, I have not be able to let go of the pain of losing my grandchildren. The adults can go fly their damn kites to the atmosphere. I'm not finding the will, ability or sources to help. I was sent to an elder abuse center, by phone only, then after 20 minutes on hold told to go online and file a report. IF they deemed your case important enough, they would be in touch. No time frame given, no hope for real help. I gave up I don't need a shelter. I need the narcissistic abuse to be recognized as IT'S NOT ME with the true issues, causing the most noise. They are F'ING CRIES for help, yet the response sides with the "silent killer" of all good emotions. They thrive only on your downfalls, after they cause them. You're stuck on a roller coaster, carousel, or Ferris Wheel, continuous circles and cycles of instability trying to build a new life, with impossibility of standing while stuck on your ride.
@@Indy__isnt_it There now.Undergoing that. Mind altering brain draining soul crushing stuff. You're not alone.Grandchildren used as tools and weapons.The thrust of the attitude being put before you is the ongoing never ending - "You OWE me after failing as a parent".
Keep distant if possible- free of resentment or anger - assuring your independence, and dignity .
Best wishes to you.
đđđ
I'm so broken today. This video and all the comments are very healing. I am pretty sure my adult son is a narcissist, like his sister and like their father (my ex). Its such a long litany of things gone wrong. I have not seen him in a year since he moved out of state to East Coast and I am on the West Coast. He comes unannounced to stay with his father, asks me to see him at noon for lunch. I missed my swim workout to be with him but the minute he sees me, the litany of blame begins. He is mad that I did not drop my plans for Halloween with my friends, to drive 140 miles round trip to help him clean up my Ex's house (who is in hospital for a minor surgery). I have to clean up my Ex's house for free and if I don't then I am not 'supporting my son in his time of need'. He sulked through lunch. I bought my own lunch and dessert for him, even though I am currently between jobs and he is making a lot of money. Then he picked a fight with me because I talked to another lady at the table next to us and had a short pleasant conversation. He flew into a rage, scolded me loudly in public, and marched off to his car and took off without saying goodbye. I was fighting back tears wondering how it turned ugly so swiftly from a nice lunch to this in a matter of minutes. I even missed my Halloween outing as I felt so emotionally devastated. Now he is going to refuse to see me and give me the silent treatment. This morning when I called him at 9 am, he blamed me for not answering the phone at 10pm the night before.
My deep love for my son and his abusive behavior left me completely broken and bewildered. He is all I have left in the world and he has turned his back on me. He invents tales about abuse in his childhood that never happened. I loved my kids dearly and sent them to top schools. Now he never wants to see me, although he complains a lot about his father's disrespectful conduct toward him. I am so deeply hurt and in pain, I just want to curl up and die. Its like a knife inside you twisting. I feel an overwhelming pain. Its an illusion to think anyone cares if you live or die. You come into this world alone and when you leave it you are also alone. There is no one to hold your hand.
I grew up very unwanted. All I wanted was a loving family. I married the wrong man. I made monsters of my two beautiful children although I worked very hard to raise them and put them through top schools at Harvard and Stanford. In 2020 my daughter died of cancer probably from too much work in her own company. She was a grandiose Narcissist and possibly bipolar like her father. It almost broke me when she died. Now my son seems to be assuming the Narcissist mantle too.
I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for my son. He is contaminated the same way as my daughter was. Coming to this conclusion was like having to drink a cup of poison. I find it hard to breathe and my gut is all knotted up and I want to die. I don't have the will to live anymore. My future with him, grandkids, retirement, respect, peace...all a pipe dream.
Anyway, these people are not going to define me. Its a form of Liberation really. When you lose everything, you feel liberated in a sense. I cannot and will not let them decide the journey of my life. I intend to stand firm in not enabling my son any further in his entitlement and disrespect. I plan to make new friends and mentor other children who need a parent. I cannot undo any mistakes I made in the past, but I don't have to dwell in the past either. Tomorrow is a brand new unwritten page.
MJ you say you don't have the will to live anymore, but you do. I hear, feel and see your strength. I hope you can take the energy that you spent on them and use it to learn to know and love yourself. That is what I am trying to do as I have had many of the same feelings that you have explained. The invention of tales of abuse in childhood of things that never happened - painful.
Your story is deeply traumatic, but you are not alone in your pain, its an unbearable journey of pain, and heartbreak which instills guilt and shame for loving a child. Sending prayers to you and everyone here who has been brave enough to share their experience.
Gosh, I soooo relate. I am not alone. And neither are you. God Bless.
How eloquently you have shared your painful experience with us. My heart goes out to you. Our stories will give courage and strength to those who survive this journey.
Dearest MJ,
I completely understand. The invention of absolutely false stories of their childhood is maddening and it is righteous anger.
I worked 3 jobs as a single mother to make certain my now adult child would be comfortable. She had a car at 16. Her father (a malicious narcissist) I left when she was 2 yrs old. The very thing I did not want to become she now has.
She makes certain to drive 2 hrs to celebrate her father's birthday and all holidays while I am left with nothing.
Not even a phone call on my birthday.
I put up with her nonsense because of my small grandchild. I am my grandchilds caretaker but she often threatens that I will not see my grandchild if I don't do what she wants. I am averaging 128 hours a week caring my grandchild and grateful to the Lord for it. As I am a vessel for Him.
She wants to break me, but the Lord is my strength. I pray for those who despitefully use me.
My current husband has had it with her but he to loves my grandchild deeply.
I believe God has a plan and He is working it out for his glory.
I stay and I pray. My grandchild seeks the Lord as my daughter tells him there is no God.
Dangerous ground for my daughter to be on.
I pray the Lord brings people into your life that guide you to His comfort.
Thank you my dear for sharing your story, you are not alone in this.
I've had so much abuse from my eldest daughter that I had to break off my relationship for some time. It was brutally painful for me.đą
This doctor just described 90% of what was my relationship with my child. The saddest part of this is that that person will never change.
I feel the same about "The saddest part of this is that that person will never change".
That recognition it's like watching a car wreck! I understand the wicked emotional responses of the initial realization that you have a malignant narcissist as a child who is a in my case my daughter of 37 years age... There is a point of suspension after this realization be calm, and cautious to take care of you Y O U... YOU DO THIS... Recovery in my case to every time my mind wanders to desperation and disappointment and the admissions of myth busting! The myth being the child is aware and willing to change that is not the case. Rarely do they see themselves as they truly are! So take a word of caution in my advice this is what I'm doing..***you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.. what I do is every time I think about the quote unquote for instance when she took my mace and mace me on purpose and laugh and watched me squirm and then worry and want to run me to the hospital and I ended up screaming in terror in ice cold screaming water in my clothes with my eyes and the shower head... So that's what my mind wanders too I counter it by every time my mind thinks )(of her or him and whatever your case is) I do something really wonderful for me that means your toolbox... Your toolbox is a box you pull out with all wonderful things to engage your five senses of pleasure and peace and tranquility in âșïž you.. so in my toolbox I have a candy bar /for a taste/sandalwood soap bar I can smell /or my perfume. (Smell) now touch/then quiet yourself... I have a soft baby blanket that I put my face in and I spray it with my perfume and I hold it in my chest I hold it in my face I rub it on me I smell it! On to hearing you find a sound like a bell or a favorite song on an audio you incorporate in my case I turn everything off and listen to the Earth being quiet that means 2:00 in the morning! You do what you must then onward to the blanket is touch//I do this in a complete black room I shut the door to the bathroom and I put a soft night light if anything but darkness is the way to disengage..0 the negative sensations of thoughts of the past and what they did! For we have complete forgiveness but we will not tolerate the behavior this is where I take a stand and I draw the line. Thus one last mental health tip when that phone rings and you have the special sound code so you know it's hers to not even touch that phone unless you say am I in a good mental health place to pick up this phone call or am I going to thoughts of suicide. Honey I have been abused like you cannot believe and I have so much love for her yet.. so what you do is you find the way to use your love in a positive fashion you turn it back to yourself you love you first.. you first YOU ARE PRIORITY FIRST.. IN AN AIRPLANE WHEN IT'S CRASHING THEY TELL YOU PUT THE MASK ON YOU FIRST SO YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD REMEMBER THIS PLEASE I LOVE YOU SISTERS SURVIVING NARCISSISM THROUGH POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT... I WILL TRY TO BE THERE FOR YOU SISTER
This is 100% the relationship between my partner and his parents. Sadly, both his parents are narcissistic as well
@@tessamoon4999 â€ïž
@@tessamoon4999 â„ïž This is pure gold. Thank you đâ„ïž
Please add more videos on this particular topic of adult narcissistic children. There's very little information on this topic out there. And I do think that it's alot more prevalent than we think because parents don't want to talk about our kids negatively. Or even admit that our babies could treat us this way.
I agree. It's more common than we want to acknowledge. I own it. My daughter is spoiled. I feel so much happier after we terminated contact. It hurt for a long time, but now it feels great to be healthy! She found another codependent to manipulate. She is no longer my problem.
@@annemccarron2281 I have been dealing with this for at 35 years and it never changes. I'm a senior and my daughter is 52 and has my only grandchild. I have finally excepted that she will never change and I am getting too old to put up with her arguing and scenes. It's making me numb towards her and I don't want to be with her alone in my home or go to her home. I only want to see her in a public restaurant if that. I have been single most of my life and my ND is my only child and family. But I finally want to have a few good years and that can't happen with having her in any position of getting me alone and being emotionally abusive. I have finally given up all hope that things will ever change.
Yes!
@@jandamichelle I have that same life. I'm so sorry you do!!! Very much so. Same age
@@jandamichelle u r on the path of acceptance enjoy whateverâs left of your life. Iâm trying to get to acceptanceâŠ.. but Iâm tired of being hurt and or exploited
Thank you for addressing the very difficult relationship with children without making it the parents fault!
Brutal!!!! Absolutely soul shaking with my Narc child. The disrespect and public shaming of me is mind bending. Thank you Dr. Ramani, I needed this video!â„ïžâ„ïžâ„ïžâ„ïž
It is incredibly eye opening once you see it
You Better Public shame them back in returnâ€
I consider myself lucky that I have two children. If I only had my first, I would conclude that I was an utter failure as a parent. If I only had my second child, I would conclude that I was the world's best parent. Neither of theses are true. It's heartbreaking to deal with an adult who has absolutely no empathy for others.
You're exactly right, and you're not alone,
Iâm in the same boat. I have 3 kids. Two of whom turned to be very mean narcissists and my last child is a blessing. If I didnât have my last child, I would have thought that I failed as a mother & that this is completely my fault. It is so painful to feel that I have lost my older kids. And it is more painful to finally take the decision to stay away from them as much as I can & set very strong boundaries and be a cold mom with them. However, I have no choice but to save my sanity & save my youngest child so they donât turn her against me & so they donât affect her in any negative way or emotionally abuse her & mentally destroy her. My heart aches for them & I donât think I could completely heal from this pain.
Omg this is đŻ me
@@rolae7132 is there any support group for people in this situation?
You sound exactly like me. My oldest son has caused me to actively hate him because of his behavior toward me from age 17 to age 29. From Mothers' Day 2021 to Mothers' Day 2022 we were getting along nicely and I was gradually starting to love him a little bit. He is living across the country, earns $70,000 a year and could not bother to mail me a gift or a card on Mothers' Day or mail his father a gift or a card for Fathers' Day. Our younger son has always been a blessing to us and May 2022 paid $4,000 to have the very old evaporation cooler on our roof replaced with a brand new one. I guess you can already imagine that my oldest son has no empathy for others and actually enjoys inflicting pain on others.
This is such a timely video. My daughter is 48 and for over 30 years she's been abusive and contemptuous to me because she says her childhood wasn't perfect. I've invited her to talk about it but it always ends up with her ranting about things that has nothing to do with my past parenting. She is always the victim, life is always hard for her, and I should give her what she wants no questions asked because she's my child. I can't stand it anymore. I feel I can't enjoy my life because she isn't enjoying hers.
I am living the same life
What is the deal with all these ( kids)? We raised them to be respectful, responsible, obedient, but something chemically is wrong with them. Bi polar? Who knows? I do know we loved love our children, but they need to know that how they treat us is unacceptable. My daughter had a good childhood, but to hear her say, she didnât. Iâve always gone above & beyond for her, but she says I was never there for her & I never built her up which is a lie from hell. Never ever did I put my children down. Pray pray pray. Only my Jesus can fix her!
I know it's hard, and it looks like there are many many people out there who are in the same boat. It's taken me a long time to realize that NARCS don't change, in fact it JUST gets worse, and the only way to deal with the craziness & the attacks, it is to go no contact
sounds like this subject has opened many eyes :( mine included)
I hear you, its a PATTERN of dysfunction that isn't just your relationship, I have the same pattern with my daughter. I didnt really believe everyone who tried to point it out, until she had a bipolar psychosis and the hate and contempt I have FELT was then In my face and raging at me.
Dr Romani's description of the sullen child, ect ect and all the other rest are spot on! My daughter's friend's moms were always SO much better than me, and she got lots of attention by being POOR and over her MEAN mom, which pattern she continues to this day... literally.
Don't listen to what these professional victim children say, WATCH what they do!! Including work on yourself to detach emotionally from caring more for them than yourself. Hard shell!
What's truly tragic and terrifying is, having only one child who is an abusive narcissist. Then there is no one to turn to. Also, being a widow and having no siblings, essentially no other family other than the Narcissist adult child who lives with you, is a hellish nightmare.
đąam in the same situation
Having no support from family makes this all the worse. Stay strong my friend. đ»
Same here, a son who lives with me and a daughter who doesnt live with me, both are narcissist, i have been enabling them since they were born, compensating for the lack of family, im so glad i found you guys, i thought i was aloneđ„
@@jeanniejeannie7258 Stay strong. I feel the same way, glad to find others so I'm alone.
Thatâs truly a difficult circumstance. I fear getting old and needing my only child whoâs a covert narcissist. Iâm going to make plans for some other alternative. Itâs a shame because I cared for my mother for 9 months and loved it. Then two aunts. I will have no one unless the Lord provides a miracle.
Was raised by "it", married "it"', and now dealing with young adult sons with "it". Jaw-dropping that no matter what I did, they took the route of 'power'. The things they have said to me: entitled, devaluing, mean...I have shut down rescuing them, and it shocked them. I am blamed for the natural consequences of their behavior, yet I was BLAMED either way!!!
Me, too!!!! Letâs stay strong!!
Oh dangđŻ poor guy, hang in there and run!!!!!
Preaching to the choir EmOcean đI thankyou @ all of you, who are struggling to make sense of an incomprehensibly cruel, basically a declaration of war from ones flesh.đđđđđđČđđČđșđžđșđž
Very similar situation here but you have said it so well...... đ
My narcissistic daughter gets married soon. The way she treats her father and I mirrors this post, yet seen as such a wonderful person to the outside world. Itâs been Hell dealing with this.
@@novelist99 Hi Lucille, Iâm so sorry you relate to what I posted. Would very much like to ask if you would tell your story? đ
I'm sorry. I'm going through this too. Yes, it is hell.
Yes it is. Because no one on the outside is aware. We don't dare say anything for more reprimand. Sorry to see so many good people suffer in silence.
Oh dear, her poor husband.
Now you have pretended to be a Wonderful family and a sweet young man is going to live in hell! (This happened to my son, the family was so good at acting)
Silence treatment, no access to grandchildren, gaslighting, alienating. That will never change but it is hard to accept and hard to fight fire with grace.
You just want *a relationship*
*with your grandchildren* that
is ALL this is about. Admit it !
@@falsehoodbasher7240 Well I'll sure admit it. I love my son, but he can be a bit of a horse's arse. My grandchildren....they are loving and innocent, and I so enjoy their energy and eagerness to learn. My son and his wife though...damn near what I would call Zealots when it comes to religion to the point of being abnormal...and that's from someone in the bible belt!
@@conniefoxx9813 aha!
I knew it!! Excuses!!!
@@falsehoodbasher7240 You make zero sense.
@@conniefoxx9813 đ Well put!
Iâm suffering from an adult narcissist child that thinks everyone is a narcissist đą
I feel you! Everyone else is a bad person, the enemy, the idiot, etc... It's always everyone else's fault. I've been accused of being a "covert narcissist". Ugh...
My narcissist daughter treats me like Iâm the unhealthy narcissist except itâs obvious Iâm an empath. She works very hard to find fault with me and when she does it makes her giddy with power. What a way to live.
They are deflecting
Ditto Yallđ
Narcissists tend to project their narcissism on others.
I join with everyone else in thanking you for this video. I felt very alone in my struggle with one daughter. Iâve been trying to figure her out for over ten years and now I think I understand much better. I was so hurt because when I was sick she always disappeared. I come from a family of narcissists - father, mother, sister, husband. In fact, it was making me so sick that I packed three suitcases and moved to South America (Ecuador to be exact) to start my life over again at age 61. In 2019-2020 I had seven life threatening surgeries here in Ecuador. My son came and spent two years with me at his young age of 23 at the time. My oldest daughter had two young children so I understood her lack of involvement. My other daughter, a police officer, didnât once in two years send me a message or call - not once. It hurt like hell. She obviously doesnât want a relationship with me and seems to be holding some grudge against me which she wonât talk about. When Iâve asked her to discuss our relationship she always says the same thing, âI donât have a problem, youâre the one with the problem.â So Iâve given up trying. Iâm very sad that I canât live in the same country - my children all live in Pennsylvania. Iâve spent the past seven years here in Ecuador watching videos about narcissism in an effort to figure all of this out. While here my parents, who divorced when I was 21 years old, each died. I got divorced from an incredibly cruel man who doesnât care if I live or die. Iâve watched just about every video of yours Dr. Ramani and youâve helped me beyond measure in trying to figure out what happened. Itâs all so unreal and sick but Iâm more at peace now understanding what all of this is. I canât say it doesnât hurt like hell because it does - but understanding what happened helps a lot. Iâm very grateful Dr. Ramani for everyone of your videos. Iâm also thankful for the internet which brings me your videos in the Andes Mountains here in Ecuador.
They just do not love you back. It is all about them. It is hopeless. You have to accept, there is no other way.đstay strong.
@@lynnkrol3769 Thank you very much for reading my post. What you say is true. Itâs something I somehow have to learn to accept and not poison the years I have left. God Bless and Merry Christmas đ
Your story is so much like mine. I'm in Mexico right now for similar reasons. No relationship with my adult narcissistic children. My heart is sick.
Is it possible your Daughter doesn't answer you about if there's an issue between you because she can't come up with anything or a reason, it's possible, my eldest Son despises me, we've not had a relationship in 20 years, for many years I tried and tried, I said sorry for anything I'd done wrong in the past and hurt like hell over the situation with him. I lost sleep over him for years. But I found after years of being criticised, ridiculed, picked on, humiliated publicly, called names I won't repeat here, I suddenly one day realised like a switch turning on, that I would never ever be treated right by my Son. The last time I saw him he called the Police on me. We had a very short reconciliation about 5 years ago, but the abuse was ramping up and up, it took me years to realise I was being bullied deliberately and that nothing I did or said would make him like me. I walked away and I am at peace that it wasn't my fault. You don't walk away from your parents because they messed up or made mistakes, mine were a nightmare, but I stuck with them until the end. Reading what you've written, my heart bleeds for you â„ïž. Please stop trying to work out what happened with your Daughter, I don't know you, but I somehow can tell it wasn't your fault, I really can. I can tell you are a thoroughly good human. Try and get some joy out of your life and let that hurt go. You've gone through to much by the sound of it and I wish you all the happiness and joy you can squeeze into the rest of your life. Amen. â€ïžđ Xxx
@@suetrublu sorry you're hurting, it's an inner hurt and pain only people going through it understand. I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy, because it feels like a slow death, that's my experience anyway. â€ïžđ But it got better. I walked away through no choice, I hope your Sons work it out with you, just wanted to show I care. Xx
It is important to not blame yourself. Adult narcissistic children can be influenced by the other parent and then it just becomes something that you have to deal with. They are responsible to become aware of their behaviour and make the changes.
One thing I learned, draphed on the job training, maturity comes when it comes, you do all you can but it's like trying to ripen something which isn't ready!
Yes, I pray everyday that my child collects any ounce of empathy through her days
My brother and sister have really broken my trust in this regard.
I am lucky...my growth as a narc abuse survivor...through awareness and education is helping my daughter come to the realizations...and she is even greatly insightful... and has improved the relationship between us abundantly!
Angela Falsetta ... I hope everyday for that. She is very combative
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. I had to disconnect with a narcissistic adult child four years ago. I worried Iâd grieve. Instead, Iâve found peace.
Same!
Amen
Yes. It's sad but true.
Exactly-the senior years belong to us. I never thought I could move away from my only daughter and grandchild but by golly it sure looks like it may happen.
My narcissistic daughter now uses her baby to control me, I am currently cut off from seeing him because I dared to disagree with her. Her behavior just gets worse and worse....her narcissistic dad is feeding into it to punish me...very sick situation!! Praying for my grandson!!
My husband and I have been banned from our grandkids, again, by the 2nd daughter. In her delusional self, she thought her sister was on her side. Not so, my dear. I posted a meme about narcissistic siblings on first daughters FB. She gets a call cussing her out about it from daughter 2. Said daughter asked if they should cut ties and daughter 1 said yes. Now, we're all "dead" to her. She would've been "dead" to all of us years ago if it wasn't for the kids.
Omg I am going through the same right now!!!!!!!
You are not alone. My daughter is currently do the same thing to me. I have 3 grandkids that I adore and she is having a 4th with someone my family doesn't care for because he is a narcissist and has made her into one as well. Its been almost a year they lied on me to push me away. Praying for you. God will heal in his time.
This is identical to my situation. Hugs x
Iâve had to walk away from my daughter and baby grandson. Weâve got no hope of having relationships with our grands if we donât have healthy relationships with our kids. She has nothing else to use against me now. Game over, and I have peace after 3 years of grieving. My heart goes out to all that are dealing with this pain.
Iâm done being broken by my child. I canât ride this roller coaster another day
Same, grieving my four grandkids. But Iâm done
I was just never enough.
No matter what I did or how much I gave I was never good enough.
The best thing I ever did was open the door wave her good bye and close the door behind her .
I know what you mean, it is hard to believe it comes to this but it is what it is.
Good for you.
So sad. I have a "no contact" kid also.đąđđ€
@@leahg3926 Were you the one who initiated no contact?
I get this too đą
Thanks Dr. Romani for FINALLY addressing what seems like an epidemic. For years we've heard about the narcissist as ex, self, parent. The one person left out was the adult child. Many great parents like myself suffer bc an estranged child is considered taboo. Many estranged children are in fact narcissists
Not every Estranged child is a Narcissist , in fact i am , if anything , Estranged from my mother as i was the Scapegoat Child/Black Sheep/Emotional Family Punching Bag , in my case it was my mother who was the Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist that turned i.e. Triangulated all my siblings against me , including my "Golden Child" eldest brother , now i have had to escape due to the vicious " behind the doors " beatings and coerce and controlling behaviour of my Narc mother , i am now living in " No Contact " and am now trying to stop my co-dependency issues and being more independant by breaking generation curses that was once gained from years and years of psychological conditioning , within my dysfunctional narcissistic family circle.
Yessssss!!!
Lies!!!
It DOES seem to be so, so, so widespread.
@@Pistonhammer your specific challenged are not included this time. This time it's about parents who go the extra mile in financial spiritual emotional support whose altruism may have derailed their own trajectories. THOSE PARENTS not yours
My comment in a nutshell is about the other parents who generally are blamed
My daughter slammed the door so hard in my face it somehow chopped the tip of my finger off!
IM SCARED OF HER NOW
Iâm so sorry you went through that! Maybe while sheâs at work or school, get rid of that door, replace with curtain and set some boundaries! Let her yell, sheâs NOT entitled to such disrespect!
It's horrible. It's heart breaking. Mourning the death of a living child.
My mother is a Narc, and she triangulated my brother and I (I am the Scapegoat and brother is the Golden Child). My brother is a Narc too, and the rest of the family cannot believe why I don't talk to my own brother. It is heartbreaking, but staying away is helping me heal. Thank you, Dr. R for keeping the show going, and I hope your staffers are all healthy or get well soon!
This is my story too âčïž
I lived the same nightmare.
That often happens!
My older sister is scapegoat, brother is golden and (so became younger sister), I became the fixer constantly running around the 'hell triangle' trying to ammend things and wishing people would just understand eachother. Now myself and older sister are empaths struggling with codependent issues, my brother narc, younger sister seems just very angry. So sad all the years lost to fighting and believing all the false drama stories.
I don't wish to talk to my sister anymore either
There is nothing more painful than a child that you love with your soul, set out to destroy you. The money and financial control isnât an issue, but in the past I had baled him out plenty, the isolation and lack of empathy and the withholding the grandchildren is his preferred method. That hurts more. Letting go of him, means letting go of my grandchildren. Iâm so glad that you are discussing this... Iâve been waiting. Iâm very interested in the temperament angle as well. Thanks đ for posting.
When we were getting along... she was wearing the mask. When it fell off... I could see she hates me. She has tried to destroy me twice. This is not normal family behavior. I am not good enough to be her mother. I no longer get to see grandchildren.
Russel Brand helped me a lot. I dream of happy family reunions with lovely meals and laughter. Russel said "what you dream of will never happen with a toxic person. Because they will not allow it." I guess it's time to move on.
@@bluemoon3699 I like Russel
@@bluemoon3699 I'm so sorry and your description is succinct yet tells the story well.
Same. I love my granddaughter but weekly, Iâm disowned... literally told , âyouâre no longer her grandmotherâ.
My daughter is 48 years old & I finally had to go no contact. Unfortunately, she has ruined my relationship with her children. No matter what Iâve given her, money, cars, groceries or whatever, itâs never enough.
About those adult children. Let them be. We cannot "fix" them. Most importantly, we cannot and must not blame ourselves for who they have become. There is no benefit in guilting yourself. Given the tools we had, we did our best. Our adult children are solely responsible for the path they choose. At some point, we have to know that, and make peace with self. â€
Bravo đ
You are absolutely correct!
Itâs hard work making peace with oneself⊠we are so hardwired by motherhood, trying to change that wiring circuit is a massive challengeâŠ
Omg!! For the first time in 20 years I finally have some understanding of what is going on in my life!! I love you Dr. Ramani.
I do too, i couldn't for the life of me why my daughter treat me like a nobody
Dr Ramani have open my eyes, realize my daughter is a narcissists she have lied on me to my siblings look at me differently
My Son and it breaks my heart! How was I so blind.
YES! Me too. SPOT ON!
Same
I'd like to share a positive observation. Dr. Ramani encouraged comments, but was aware people may feel uncomfortable posting on this topic. As of right now, there are over 600 comments less than 10 hours after posting, many of them from non-anonymous accounts.
I'm so proud of us speaking our truths fearlessly and openly. There's so much strength in this community! You're all inspiring.
At least it's nice to know I am not alone. In a way, the destruction of the relationships with my kids is what hurts the most..
Amen! This is safe place to share and heal! It's the best comment section of any channel đ
I donât feel all alone in my mysterious triangle hot bed of swirling emotions
so well said! I think there is something in all of us that yearns to tell our story and be witnessed by others! "testifying is a way of defying" - Henry Louis Gates, Jr. to Pharrell Williams on Finding your Roots "Write my name in the Book of Life" (I just watched this powerful episode today and it made me weep!)
Yessss! This is a life saving community!!! đ„°đâ€ïž
My adult narcissistic child broke my heart more than I could even explain! Thank you Dr.Ramani for another great video⊠I had believed it was the most painful thing ever, thank you for validating thatđą
âRadical Exceptanceâ!
Lost five of my seven grandchildren, I donât think I could explain the grief, I just gut cry
Finally walked away when she turned 40 years old
She was a very mean teenager, then at 19 married a Machiavellian narcissist!đź
My heart goes out to any parent with an adult narcissistic childđąđŠđł
BTW, I am an empath, but I am riddled with guilt! Itâs too painful to try to figure it out. And I was a really good mom, believe it or not.
Please no hateful comments here, itâs hard enough to exceptâŠ
How about a big hug đ€
There are definitely flying monkeys in the comments aimed at hurting suffering parents more-Evil Wizard of Oz monkeys.
@@beaglerescue5281 I was always scared of those monkeys, they freaked me outđ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
And still do!
I'm terrified that my daughter wont let me see her kids. I've grown so close to them....been going to their house every week for over 6 years. She wrote a nasty message on my phone and I sent another long apology...but I havn't heard from her. They are going to think I abandoned them! I'm crushed!
@@jaydeecee1643 I am so sorry to hear that, wishing you wellđŠ survivorđŠ
Iâm with you
My daughter has rejected me and taken away my only grandchild
My husband and I were good, Christian parents to her
She always was difficult but this pain is so difficult for me
I understand being a good mom and then having this pain
It is so painful. Itâs a grieving like no other for your child.
Thank you, doctor for letting we who have an adult narcissistic child know that we are not alone.
Thank you so much. The pain of being the mother of a narcissistic adult is just as you have described. It comforts me tremendously to hear you validate my decision to cut off ties with him. So many people just donât understand that I am not being heartless, I deserve to survive and thrive. And I am surviving and thriving
You did well.
@@PEPASINLIMITES good job!
It sounds like You went no contact! You're so right, we need to do more than just survive. It doesn't matter who they are, why should we put up with anyone attacking or disrespecting us? And yes, people have all kinds of opinions and it is none of their business, and they have no idea what they're talkin about, and they do not have a clue about what's been going on.
Yiou are not being heartless, sadly they are being heartless, you are safeguarding your heart & soul! Be strong!! xo
what mother could cut off ties with their child? You can hear it in your head now! One that's been abused and had an enemey in their camp their whole life. Unless you've had one, you have no idea! As hard as it is, it can't continue, isn't good for you or your narc child.
I saw signs early on, I know it's genetic, I have seen it and seen army records saying it in my GF that I never met. I've heard the stories.
For once you are looking after you by taking this drastic step. Good for you, you have lots of company!
I am in the same position and had to cut ties.
Best advice I ever heard âdonât get trapped in a reparations prison.â That was me. I allowed my adult daughter to gaslit me into thinking I was the worst mother ever. I allowed her to stay with me as she was an adult that did not contribute anything to the household financially. She would scream, cry , and say horrible things to me if I asked her to do chores. She would start fights and use triangulation by secretly recording my reaction to her abuse. According to her, sheâs never wrong. She could not take any feedback such as cleaning her room. I have no issues with my other children, just her.
Thank you for addressing this very important issue! What I have learned in the process is that I am strong and I rest fully in Christ who comforts me, protects me, and hears my countless prayers for my narcissistic daughter. I do not allow her to cross the boundaries I have set.
Iâm sitting here in tears listening to you tell my story with my son. I wish you were sitting here next to me. You are brilliant. Something has to assuage my guilt.
I hear you
The generational nature of narcissistic abuse is contributing to the development of a narcissistic culture.
Yes, it is now invasive throughout society. I refer to this phenomena as the "The Second Storm". Social media is also helping to propel it. It's like an insidious virus moving through society.
It's always been so. Even Job wrote that all is vanity.
@@lrm3924 that was me and there's nothing confrontational about what I said, maybe youtube isn't for you.
@ how about righteous indignation
L RM omg. I see it, man. Haha.
âWaiting and holding out hope for that one day that never comes when they stop being so difficult and cruel by constantly giving and giving in â says it all and explains why I stayed so long in an abusive marriage to a malignant narcissist alcoholic I finally divorced .
Now I am dealing with the same repeat of history with my adult children.
Itâs so unfair!
Its like they follow a damn textbook written by their father!!!
I'm so very tired of being blamed for my adult daughters childood....
More is needed on this topic! Especially regarding the emotional abuse that a parent undergoes. As a mother I feel like I am in a vice. My daughter has used my grandchildren as a weapon.đą
Mine too đ„
My daughter has gone a step further! She has now isolated my granddaughter from EVERYONE she has known. Family, friends, kept from school, kept from college! She is 21 and is highly intelligent, but has no idea how to interact with people! She is just a child internally and I cannot help her!!
My daughter died without us speaking a word, over 2 yrs. You can't have it both ways with abusive Narcs. Kid or no kid. Grandkids or not. Cut them out of your life Before they kill you, or destroy your mental health,. And God help the children!! History repeats itself.
Oh Lydia - I feel your pain, I am in exactly the same situation
I'm sorry you are going through this. My daughter discarded our family in a group text on September 30,2021, the same night she moved out of the house she was renting because she was habitatually late with the rent, and moved in with a man she barely knew and not long ago referred to as big, dumb and ugly. I simply responded ok. Then she got pregnant, and I had to learn she was definitely pregnant from a clerk at a store we used to shop together. I lost it! I begin to cry right there in an inconsolable manner. I told the clerk she should be the last woman on earth to have a child as I know this baby was a way to trap this big, dumb and ugly man.
Then she had to throw herself a baby shower as she not only discarded us, but everyone we knew. But... the venue she held it at was a beer store and invited my husband's stepmom and sister, knowing his stepmom is a strict Baptist. I could only assume it was to get a gift and not have them attend, but they braved it and attended the shower anyway. After she had her baby, still no contact, I went outside under the stars and poured my heart out to God and petitioned him to please reveal what was in my daughter's heart. And in the heart of her child's father. I wondered if she was afraid and ashamed to reconcile to us. Less than 24 hours later, my husband's cell phone accidentally called her. We were together at the time, and his phone was on our bed. He was getting dressed to go to the doctor for a check-up. When he got to the doctor he texted me a screen shot of proof of his phone calling our daughter but the next thing proved to us that God had answered my prayers the night before because our daughter messaged my husband her father saying to never try to call her and that she wasn't his little girl to beat up on anymore and that she would call the law on him. The thing is, my husband never beat her. And then he got a text from her baby's father threatening him too. The guy even went as far as go say he had seen photos of the abuse. We both thought, "What abuse?!" Who hit her?!!! Then, we realized she must have created photos to deceive this man by making herself a victim. He warned my husband that he would call law enforcement if my husband ever contacted her again or even saw her in public. Or came near their child. My husband was heartbroken and so upset that his doctor wanted him to stay in his office for a while until his blood pressure went down. And just to think right before she discarded us my husband wrote her a check for $2,500.00 to put down on a brand new fuel efficient car so she wouldn't have to drive our older model truck to work.
On January 30,2023, she sent a hoover from an unknown number with an belated and unsolicited birth announcement with photos of her baby. When I texted back "Who is this?" I got accused of allowing one of my sons to sexually abuse her since she was four. Again abuse that never happened! I got called all sorts of horrible things and told my husband and I were unfit and would never see her son unless we changed. So we were future faked, among other things. I later learned from other family members who she reached out to on the same night that she asked to come stay with them for a couple of weeks with her baby and they told her no. I suspected that she sent the hoover because she was fighting with her child's father but he didn't want to fight her and she had to abuse someone she found safe to hurt and abuse and that person was me.
She also tried to call my husband who is her father and one of her brothers who I warned just in the nick of time not to answer any calls from the new number she was calling from. I didn't want them to go through the truly demonic verbal abuse I had gone through with her text.
I have prayed so much more than I have in my entire life about this situation with my daughter. She has lied to people about us and has told people we stopped talking to her when it was her who told us to stay out of her life. She has made herself the victim in a truly delusional and twisted childhood she never experienced. At this point her child is not enough to rope us back under her control. With her departure out of our lives came great peace. In retrospect, the lies and cruelty she subjected us to was unreal. We didn't know what was wrong with her, although a lot of her behavior was like my mother's. I had to go no contact with my mother a few years ago because I couldn't take her abuse anymore. I started researching my daughter's behavior and to my absolute horror it matches that of a covert narcissist. At this point I've decided I've grieved her long enough and it's not fair to myself and those who still love me to continue to torture myself.
I do feel strongly that there is an inherited aspect of NPD. My husband and I were not perfect parents but none of us are. However we did not deserve to be lied on and threatened by our daughter. Right now the trust has been completely destroyed and I feel there is little chance of ever repairing it.
Going full no contact has been very difficult but it is for both our protection and sanity. I still have my sons and I am thankful for them. Sometimes you must open your eyes to what will break your heart, and let even your precious child go. I know that her son would only be used as a pawn, a tool of control over us and wisely I can not allow that to happen. Hang in there and continue to educate yourself and protect your peace. Dr.Ramani has helped me so much and continues to. God bless her and may he bless all of us enduring this absolutely cruel and hateful personality disorder. It does get better. I have forgiven my daughter but for my own safety and that of my family I nolonger have the luxury to forget.
This made me cry, the reality of my past, and why my son is the way he is.
You are not alone. My oldest (36) son,
pushed me down July 2020 and I've not been the same. #2 son (30) presents with narccistic traits & mental issues. Son #3 is quiet, but has a trigger temper. They grew up from day 1 as well as their mother with narrcistic abuse. I never knew how to put this in context until now. I felt so sad, but yet I remain hopeful that God will somehow bless my mess. May God bless u2 my sister.
You are not alone. ((Hugs))
@@SusanWinters
Only God can heal them and us from the onslaught.
There are few things that are as difficult as grieving for someone who is alive. I have been going through the experience of having a narcissistic adult child for more years than I care to count and it has been hell. I have finally come to a point where I have some measure of peace and stability and I wish there had been videos like this available 40 years ago! This video describes my 41-year-old child perfectly - as if Dr. Ramani had actually met her - except for the financial side. I am of no use to my child financially as I have nothing, so she uses that as another reason to justify her narrative that I am a bad parent and a bad human being. She actually functions well and has good jobs-although she does cause strife with her co-workers and so changes jobs a lot, has purchased her own house and on the outside has done well DESPITE having (in her words) an abusive and toxic childhood. It would be too long to explain why this is untrue here, but in her head every word is gospel. She has spent many years, using me as her emotional ATM and her emotional punching bag. Her father was her hero and I was the B**** he was married to. Counseling helped me realise that I could not un-ring the bell, nothing I did or said would gain me forgiveness or understanding for my real and imagined shortcomings. No apology was accepted and my accepting responsibility was ignored or declared as "too little, too late". But I tried, oh how I tried and she would "allow" me back into her life to "prove" myself. I never managed to reach her expectations or I would "fail" some trap she set for me and she would then ghost me for a few years. Then the cycle would begin again when she would reach out to me "needing her mom" (magic words to a ghosted mother who hasn't had contact with her child for a couple of years!) and I would be back on the rollercoaster trying not to make her angry or do or say anything that would earn me the punishment of estrangement. Then my beautiful granddaughter was born and I was "allowed" to see her for the 1st 18 months of her life then my daughter sent me an email at work one day, out of the blue, telling me that she no longer wished to have any further contact with me and that I was to respect her decision. I was devastated but backed off, thinking that she would relent, that my granddaughter loved me, and that my daughter would see her child was happy to have me around, yeah, no, that didn't happen, big surprise, not. Eighteen months later, my daughter again reached out, her ex-partner was taking her to court for visitation as my daughter was also denying him any contact with his child. My daughter "needed" me so I stepped up. The court case took 2 years all told but as soon as it was over (my daughter lost -which she blamed me for) and I was again evicted from her life. That was when I decided, I could not and would not put my granddaughter through the trauma of having a grandmother she adored who then abandoned her again. I will not allow my daughter back into my life ever again. She has broken me and I have spent the last 5 years rebuilding myself and finding friends and a purpose. I am sad in that I miss them desperately but I will not contribute willingly to traumatizing my granddaughter further. She is more important than my need to see her. When she is older, if I am still alive, and she comes to me I hope she will understand. I send gifts on Birthdays and Christmas and I keep a journal for her. I have no idea if she receives the gifts (a store gift token) or if her mother throws them away. I don't care, I sent it with love and that is all I can control. Being a store gift token I have proof of purchase and posting. So I grieve but I am getting on with my life without them in it. It's sad but I have found some measure of peace in my choice. But I cried all the way through this video!
What I love about the truth is it always comes out, it's either we choose to see it or reject it. Your granddaughter will know the truth one day. Pray for your granddaughter, for her wellbeing, health, etc. She'll need it
Thank you for sharing. I am probably at the beginning of your journey. I've been ghosted by my child now (on and off) for sex years. A week ago (after some heavy emotional abuse) I blocked her on all social media. It must have taken a week for her to emplode, cause she then created a new Facebook account only to tell me she would rather "take her own life than speak to me again." Odd, cause here she is 'speaking to me.' It was then I realised this is all a game for her and she actually feels better ONLY if I'm hurting. In her last message, she included a picture of an arm (I assume it's hers) with cuts all over it and a psrting comment of "You ae dead to me." Now.... usually, I would get drunk and sleep off the misery but today, I blocked her second account and didn't even respond. I also popped on her, read your message, and thought.... holy crap, your life is my potential future. Do I want that? No. Will I get sucked into that "I want my mama (after years of silence)? Probably. Argh. In any event, I have a heads up thanks to you and I guess, things don't get any better untill you know better - I can see my potential future and I'm vwry wary now as opposed to on egg shells and forever in a state of guilty grief. Thank you and all the best
Um.... really should be SIX years.... cough!
Thank you for a grandchild solution. Same experience. My dark is dark without a solution. I send great gratitude and prayers to you.
It's gut wrenching to read the comments, such as yours. It's a pain I know all too well. My youngest daughter is just as you describe. She isn't a mother yet, Thank God... but she just married her bf, who has massive issues himself and is the rudest and laziest human imaginable. She has put him before us time and again. She seems to blame me for everything bad. I am disabled and that gives her another reason to throw shade on me. Haven't spoken in nearly 10 months since she called me out of the blue and said she didn't need me anymore and was done with me. All because I had the nerve to talk to her about her bf never taking out the trash and letting it pile up bags at a time... and how he treated my other daughter, her twin sister, who was living with them. It's a nightmare I can't wake up from. Don't know if I'll ever see her again. Unbearable pain to know I've lost my daughter to such a piece of crap. She's toxic and abusive and has undiagnosed issues but I still love her and always will.
Love to all -
We need more of these. It's not always about a parent being the narcissist.
Iâm not a narcissist nor my husband. I have siblings who are but I kept my daughter away from them, and now sheâs a covert narcissist. Iâm baffled!
I agree. My situation has evolved further and now my adult son narcissist has convinced his younger brother and sister that I am to blame for the fact that he doesnât talk to me, which Iâm ok with actually but, they are putting pressure on me to apologize to the narcissist for anything just to build a bridge so that holidays arenât uncomfortable.đ€Šđ»ââïž 15:07
You know, what I love so much about Dr R is how she expresses so clearly-âyou once looked into the face of this innocent..â. She captures it all, not only in her words but eyes, tone etc. She is absolutely brilliant! She knows how to speak to us who have become experts on body language, tone etc. Thank you Dr. R!!
I cried at that part of the video . I never never could have predicted this bizarre dark ugliness
Well said. She's identified all of this so well, and is a soothing balm for our hurts.
That was the phrase that brought tears to my eyes.... Yes, it hurts. This presentation concerning grandchildren hit home. When children are involved and you watch as they are hurt, there is no relief except faith and being true to your convictions. I like this because it is real. Not airy fairy, but real. My mantra is that I always choose to come back to a place of love. THAT is who I choose to be.
I'm just glad that she addressed that an adult child can be the narcissist because there are a plethora of videos that talk about narcissistic parents in a way that make it seem impossible that a child could be the high level narcissist in a relationship. Also, I do take blame in creating this human being that has been so hurtful and thankless to me and my family. I over compensated because of the divorce. But also I think I would have been the same even if I had not been the divorce, either way, I did too much for her from giving my money, time, business connections, business expertise, skill sharing etc. Only to have her treat me like dirt and hate me. It's been so difficult for me to process this, denial etc. because I have such a loving and great relationship with my own parents.
@@kathleenalbright6379 I had a narc mom and now this...it is heartbreaking to watch and know what is ahead for the grandchildren.
My mom is a covert narcissist and I am now dealing with my adult daughter also, so I feel like I am getting it from both ends. There is definitely not enough information on dealing with adult narcissistic children. Glad you touched base on this. đ
Same. My narc son and covert narc Mom have tag teamed me for 15yrs. She turned him against me. I went NC with both 2/22/23 and never looked back
Narcissism seems to be growing. I now know seven narcissists. Finally, admitting to myself that my only child is a covert narcissist was the worst day of my life. We were so close but now I have nothing to show for all those child rearing years. đš Puff âGone With the Wind.â
This was so helpful. Thank you! My 52 year old only childâŠ. daughter is exactly who you described. She has never paid a single dime back and I have loaned 15,000 dollarsâŠ. and finally she stole 2,000âŠ. When I said no moreâŠ. she vanished.
So helpful and liberating! No more false guilt for my so-called failure as a parent. My narc is fully committed to a life of drama, chaos and abusing others. Enough already đ
Iâve watched almost all of your videos,
but sadly this one hit home the most. Iâve been in counseling for quite awhile and was devastated when my psychiatrist suggested the no contact idea. Itâs been two years now.
I have never been more relieved of the constant drama and demand. It definitely isnât an easy thing to do, but for me it is a necessity.
Thank you Dr. Ramani â„ïž
Know that you're not alone. I have two daughters and for the past five years I've been wrestling with this. It got so bad that I literally moved to the other side of the world. One has responded with complete abandonment, the other calls because she wants to vent or seeks supply over the phone. They live together and triangulate me after my fiance died. I felt they were the kind of people I needed to protect myself from so I left. It's been devestating to process. I'm thinking of closing the door completely and I have been feeling guilty, the "where did I go wrong" "Monday morning quarterbacking" thing. I see where I went wrong. Both their bio fathers were narcs. Then the man I married was a violent malignant narc. I woke after five years of hell to see the pattern from parents, to partner choice. I divorced. My girls had a hard childhood, I was a loving but deeply flawed parent, totally empathic and codependent as hell. I've healed from codependency, have established solid boundries, but the pain of what I've unleashed upon this world scares me. The damage they will do to others. The things they've done to me, I've forgiven but can't forget. How many broken hearts can you sustain? Sometimes it's better to be alone, with God, for truly the divine gets it, and sends earth angels like Dr. Ramani, so we can understand, forgive ourselves and know we're not alone.
@WhyMe Lord I had to go no contact, I may not be like that forever, but I am for the time being. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
I feel you on that oneâ€
I GET it. My adult son is repugnant in his constant verbal abuse, cruel criticism, and over the top grandiosity. He makes me SICK. Iâm almost 60. Between him and my narcissist ex-Iâm DONE. Iâll have to hire a lawyer to deal with my personal affairs. And to THINK he wanted me to move out to Seattle with him??? Thank GOD Iâm in the Northeast!
@@lori-annefay4138 I am right there with you . Going through the agony of truly letting my son go. God how I wish it could be different! He is EXACTLY like his father.
Yes. I also thought it was just the âteenage yearsâ. Now my daughter is 25 and she is worse than ever. I made excuses for her for years. Her sibling saw how I was abused and manipulated by her. Now itâs the silent treatment.
I hear you..my daughter is 25 too and our stories sound very similar..having raised both my children totally on my own ..seems to make the pain even worseđȘ
Same. Sending you love.
Mine is 26 all was well sheâs always been kind of controlling. Now she got marrried 2 years ago. Goes to expensive therapy and blamed all idk everything on me and suddenly Iâm blocked. Plus Iâm paying for her college debt. It broke my heart. I believe in Jesus I will be okay. I blocked her back. I just donât wanna be a punching bag anymore. Itâs been brutal.
I go to celebrate recovery. â€ïžâđ©č god bless u all.
Oh my goodness Dr. Ramani, you I think saved my life. I have been struggling with my adult daughter who is narcissistic for years. I have at times gone into severe depression, feeling guilty, confused and living with such pain, loss and sadness over this. Everything you said is my story. Literally everything. Dr. I cannot thank you enough for the enlightening education. I listen to your videos quite often and you are kind and honest. Iâm so thankful to you. â€ïž
I'm grateful to find Dr. Ramani. I'm 70. My son is 50. He's hated me for 40 years. As the parent I can see the generational patterns at play and feel so guilty. But i've decided to save myself.
â€ïž
My heart breaks for parent(s) who have to go through this.
Thankyou....that's kind. I'm living it đ
@@CH-in8dm it is devastating!
I am too, unfortunately both my brother and sister are dealing with this with both of their adult children, it has been extremely heartbreaking to watch them all these years and do EVERYTHING to help them with all their problems, helping them with parenting and to get on their feet as well as myself helping them with cars, co-signed for housing, ext.. and at the slightest provocation to then be ruthlessly cut off for nothing and treated like a commodity, itâs unbelievable how much this adult child Narcissism really is profound and prevalent these days, I was taught to always respect my parents and honor them, I just donât understand it, itâs very painful and very damaging
This feels like someone is gutting you...tearing out your heart.
This is the most powerful video on this topic I have ever heard. I am nearly 60 and alone, financially spent and trying to start over.
God bless you....
I'm there now,how have things in your life gone.My Son is the same,so is his step father..he lives literally across the street in a house I helped him get.I am physically disabled with did and osteoarthritis every joint very painful yet I have to walk to town for things I need.He was a drug user for 20 yrs The money just bailing him out is sky high,having him on jail bracelet was my problem,paying his rent ect ect..I have to see him just doing his thing while I stuggel.He and my Narc husband,t his step father did not get along until he and I split up..I do have great responsible other kids,very successful but live out of town and hate what I go through with their brother and have very little contact...the smear campaign has been so brutal,we live in my X's small town...I now have nothing but a broken down homeI own because the house was in my name( another long story with my X)
They both are still so abusive,some days...
Your story is my story,how has it gone for you?...Peace my friend
I have gone no contact for 90 days now..it's devistating
My parents, my ex wife, and two adult children are narcissists. Itâs been life altering and painful but discovering the reality of my situation has given me back a sense of control and a pathway forward. It hard to be member of this community but Iâm grateful to have finally found you.
Thank you so much for addressing this difficult topic. Everywhere one turns, the mom gets blamed for all the failures and disorders of a child, very rarely we get to see the other possibility. Thank you for voicing it out, that the other parent who is not taking any parental responsibility but rather a "fun" parent could influence and support the child to grow into a difficult individual. I would like to mention two areas that stick out to me with my daughter since her childhood. 1) During play dates, when it's time to go home, all the other kids used to negotiate for more time with their parents, but my daughter would just drop what she was doing and come out. Other parents would always be impressed by this and used to ask me how have I taught her to be like this. As she grew up, I realized this is actually a very problematic behavior, she does not have attachment or affection towards anything, or anybody. 2) Everything I ask or talk or suggest, she would negate it almost like by compulsion. Simple things like buying a shirt, going to the store, doing anything around the house, everything had to be opposed first. It turned out to be her personality in the long run.
That was the story of my life exactly. I feel much better after watching this video. I feel so much guilt, duty, and obligation. But I now see how I am being manipulated. No more.
I am an extreme empath. Both of my kids have high narcissistic tendencies. Just heartbreaking. Iâm so empty inside as a result of the exhausting cycle of the abuse đ
You are not alone, itâs so hard
Please make more videos about this! My daughter has broken my heart over and over and I need more information about this.
There are no words to express how finding this, finding this community etc has made me feel less isolated. It describes my life 100%. The pain is such that there are no words to express and describe the depth of pain this causes to your soul.
OMG this is exactly what my daughter is doing... I haven't seen my daughter or granddaughter for over three years. She has written several hateful Facebook posts about me, always has a message about how rotten her family is. She told me I was the narcissist, and has accused of gaslighting... which is actually what turned me on to the fact that she was the narcissist gaslighting me...
I have the same story. It's heartbreaking.
@@momtosaoirse so sorry you are going through this. I keep thinking, how can I fix this... and the simple truth is, I can't. Yes, it is heartbreaking.
I relate. â€ïž
Same. She tells all.kinds of lies about me. At least I have other, normal children. But she has all of the babies.
@@bengali481 đ isnât it always
The case. Passing down The narc lineage!
SO glad I donât have children đđ
This was not just a great video but a mini therapy session. Finally permission to let go, let go of that yearning, that empty âhole in your stomachâ, that hunger for your adult childâs love and patiently waiting for them to love you back. Everyday is like mourning a "death." All you have is their childhood memories that you cherish so much, waking up and going to bed with thoughts of them and the motherâs day cards that you reach for when you long for their presence. Thank you Dr Ramani, for posting this video.
Veena Jagger I felt the same until I realized back in March that I could be dying from COVID and she wouldnât give a sh*t. Memories still held in my heart now but pain is gone.
@@cathywilson7101 sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, I feel the pain not only in this moment but the pain, loss and fear of my future self when the child may stand in front of me and I''ll be too senile to recognize the face. :-(.
Veena Jagger I fear for the future also, unfortunately I fear more that she will come when I am old and vulnerable and try to abuse me.
@@cathywilson7101 omg! This is so sad and heartbreaking. Hope you make plans to protect yourself in writing. I would put all legal agreements in place now while in good health.
@@cathywilson7101I can relate completely. My 40 yr old daughter didn't even offer me a glass of water when I was sick as a dog with the flu and in bed for 2 weeks. She was living with me at the time in my home (for free of course). I had suspected, but now I'm sure after this video that she's a narcissist.
Thanks for making this video Dr. Ramani. Narcissistic adult children are rarely talked about. My daughter exhibits many narcissistic traits and I want to understand the role I played in her upbringing to make her that way.
Yeah that hit home hard as you get older you can put yourself in peril financially when you're on a fixed income. The victimhood, the manipulation, the insults, the blaming, while you bend over backwards to give them emotional support and help them out. It's devastating... I do believe there's a DNA component to temperament. My son is borderline whilst I always felt his illnesses should be given compassion or understanding the disrespectful and manipulation continues full speed. Any attempt to discuss what's going on is met with rage. Then there's the grandchildren who are used as pawns. I came to the conclusion that my grandchild won't respect me anyway. I intend to leave very little for anyone to grab. Finally giving myself everything I have sacrificed for them. Support is key.
Thanks for doing the video...
Omg I finally feel like I am at the right party.đđđŒ What a community I feel supported. Thank youu!
Me too sister!!
me too... :(
This ties in with parental alienation. Sort of like loosing your kids again and again. You described the dynamic perfectly!
Karen P -Thank you. Perfectly described.đ
Yes it does, sadly! So glad for Dr. Ramani's wisdom!
Karen P, your description âsort of like loosing your kids again and againâ hit a nail on me. So painful to feel it⊠over and over again. This is the pain I am facing with my adult child parental alienation. Keeping the hope alive hurtsâŠ. but i cannot give up yet at this point in time,
Thank you so much for this video, I have struggled for years trying to understand my daughter and why she is the way she is, your video described her to a T. She cut me out of her life several years ago, for the reasons you explained, financial as I finally had the courage to say no to her. I have had to accept the estrangement, but it has been painful and difficult, but the abuse had to stop.
There is a whole subset of this...parents with adopted children who are narcissistic or BPD. I can say that Iâve reached a point of relief now that our daughter is 18 and an âadult.â Itâs so incredibly difficult to set boundaries successfully when you have the person living in your home; you can only do so much grey rocking. The toll it took physically and emotionally on me to maintain a calm and non-reactive exterior will take years to recover.
i hear you
I dunno if there is a true recovery after years of this mental prison.
I totally understand! It takes years to recover but we can do it!
Iâm searching for healing and stronger boundaries my self.
Agree. Another facet of the dark side of adoption. Agencies won't talk about or educate prospective adoptive parents about. And good luck trying to get mental health support for the kids who don't want or think they need it, or for yourself.
Our daughter spent her first three years in an orphanage, so we never blamed ourselves for her behavior. We have broken all ties. Our therapist told us to treat it as a death and never hope for a reconciliation. It is heart breaking..total devastation..but it was very important for us to break the cycle for our own sanity, financial stability, and for the family as a whole. We have regretted adoption ever since.
I am so sorry, I have two children, both are Narcs like their Dad, so painful, you have to distance yourself.
There is a special place in heaven for those who adopt.
Thank you so very much for addressing this subject. There is so much content about the parents who are narcissist, but very little addressing the narcissistic adult child and their abuse of the non-narcissist parent.
I think what breaks my heart the MOST is the smear campaign that is perpetuated upon my grandson.
Thank you Dr Ramani for this one. I needed to hear these things and recently I have been given the opportunity to break free of my adult child's abuse. I still feel guilt over disengaging but I know it's my survival that is in jeopardy. For anyone else here, you are not alone and I am praying for us all.
This has been the most difficult lesson Iâve learned, to date. My adult daughter is a textbook Narc, and just had our first grandchild.....after she moved a thousand miles away and got married. When she invited her mother and me (not her younger brother however) to her San Diego home to share a âcelebrationâ of some sorts, she sprang her wedding on us, completely blindsided, then proceeded to make me wear a jacket she had rented for such an occasion, even though I had formal wear with me. I felt so humiliated, but didnât want to distract from the âcelebration â. It was embarrassing to meet her close friends, many attending in casual wear. I felt singled out and humiliated. Now she has our first grandchild and claims that I make her âhair fall outâ by me just being me. Iâm so sad that I will not feel the love if we visit her again. She âdropped inâ at our home one day on her motherâs birthday, unannounced and without her family, for no more than 20 minutes, while visiting an old college girlfriend that lives nearby. I was overwhelmed with joy when she knocked on my door, but was DESTROYED when she left 15-20 minutes later after a forced hug. She stayed in the area for four days, but that was the only encounter with us her entire visit. She wouldnât even go out to dinner with use to celebrate her motherâs 64th birthday.
I canât remember the last time she let me get close enough to her even give her a kiss. Her mother and I try to find strength in each other, but I find that very challenging.
Thank you for your support. Please be safe.
Ok but who are you, you are not her mother so�
So sorry you are going through this. Self preservation is your right. These people are demonic.
@@bee12355 demonic? Wtf? This is a personality disorder not a magic gathering.
Time to protect yourselves and each other.
I' m so sorry. That made me sad to read. I felt your pain.
Thank you for this. My husband of 43 years was a narcissist. I now recognise that my eldest daughter is one. So painful to experience.
Same here. My son.
This has to be THE WORST pain I've ever had.......đą
I agree! I have not even met my adult narcissistic daughter's son. He'll be 1 on Oct 13th and she is pregnant with a girl due in February. The malicious and accusations is unreal. It's like living in a nightmare. My mother is a narcissist as well. It's absolutely heartbreaking but I can not endure her any longer. I've been healing. It's been two years since she discarded us as a family and broke off contact with everyone she knew before her new supply who has lapped up every lie she has told about us.
@@Judysbayoubostons I'm so sorry, I lost my grandchildren two years ago. I also had a narcissistic mother and have a daughter who is a narcissist. Nobody understands the pain involved, my other children just want me to forget about her like it's so easy to do.
I was so glad you posted this! This has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
Me too, it is a very heavy emotional burden. God bless us both â€ïž
I canât help but wonder how I might have contributed to this, and itâs incredibly painful. First my mother, then my ex husband, now my daughter. đą
This is my story. I used to be so relieved my child âhandledâ the divorce and chaos created by her malignant narcissistic father. I have now accepted my daughter might have BPD/Narcissism. The pain of this makes having Narcissistic parents, a sibling and an ex seem like nothing. I now see one of my grandchildren exhibiting signs of Narcissism. I love my child more than anything. I have educated myself about this, but it still hurts and I work daily to not blame myself.
@Charlie James Hey just a reminder that this kind of thing - diagnosing strangers in comment sections who are experiencing a terribly painful situation? Not helpful or exhibiting a healthy perspective either.
@Charlie James That's not a kind thing to say to a complete stranger. You don't know her situation and don't know her personally, so it's very untoward to generate negative assumptions about someone you don't even know.
Sending you hugs and strength.
Charlie James You canât diagnosis from a comment on CZcams though. So no, please donât tell her to blame herself because you are not qualified to do so. Thatâs mean.
@Charlie James WTF is wrong with you? Get out of here.
Thank you for this video. I divorced a narcissist after 35 years together. My adult daughter sided with her father and does not speak to me. It is heartbreaking!
I'm so sorry....
I had to read your name cause for a minute I thought I may have written your comment. Painful for sure.
Our psychiatrist explained the genetic heritability of this disorder, and it helped so much. Neither of us has this disorder but it is present in previous generations.
Many times a Psychological Counselor will attribute problems to genetics, though there is a Nature/ Nurture controversy. They do this to help people accept behaviors and to define a problem, to give us a feeling of control or a settling. Selfishness, entitlement, cultural norms, boundaries, ingratitude and disrespect for parents and others are not genetic.
We cannot control others, like there is a magic remote control we just canât locate in the sofa cushions. We can only do our best to state our position, listen with empathy, help when we can, but accept CHOICE and whereâŠa person is, while protecting ourselves as our first priority. Can we imagine, being on an airplane and needing oxygen, and weâre so busy arguing with our loved ones to save themselves, that we pass out, overlooked? Removing oneself from the roles of Scapegoat or the Bad Guy from kids justifying bad treatment of their parents, receiving criticism from self-critical people vs. care, encouragement, support, cooperation and gratitude perhaps is just our red parentâs flag to extricate ourselves and allow learning via consequence. What is difficult, is when their lesson will cost parents once again, or when grandchildren are in harmâs way.
I needed this so much. Most painful thing ever has been the pain in dealing w my narcissist adult child. Ty for this.
I cried all the way through this one. Itâs hard to hear. You always want to think the best from your children and would never think someone else could turn them against their whole family. Itâs so sad. đą
đââïž my 30 year old daughter is the golden child of her malignant narcissist father. She was covertly taught to disrespect me. Thought it was her teen years, but once that passed, I knew this was not my daughter. It was all done for isolation, jealousy and control because of my deep love and attention for her. Trying to teach her right from wrong and not having a fathers support has made her upbringing confusing and adult relationships very difficult. Social media and negative peer pressure didnât help either. Heartbreaking to be bullied verbally that I was the bad parent. Narcissism is a powerful force.
I feel for you, my situation is very similar. Healthy people don't understand that a narcissistic parent will teach the child to disrespect the other parent. My ex has gone all the way with the parental alienation. Very painful.
TurtleHatching .... yes, this is where you learn what evil looks and feels like.
C S selfish âEmotional Arrested Development â
I know the parental alienation the narcissist father does with a child towards the mother, my daughter used verbal putdowns to me and he would laugh, call me names and dismiss things I said as being stupid. He had weekend access through courts when we split.
My self worth was low, but when my daughter was 14, I went to college ( and worked any jobs I could get) pushed myself hard to get a degree and then a masters in psychology. I know my qualifications eats away at him now. My daughter is ignored by him now as he has moved in with a woman with two daughters recently(god help them).
Been there. Sending hugs and warm wishes , not an easy place to be in .
I must say you hit the nail on the head in every word you spoke
Thank you for this! The absolute worst nightmare I've ever been through. Been praying and searching for answers and everything you said in here is exactly what's been happening and it all makes sense now. I've been questioning where I went wrong, and now I see it so clearly. I'm crushed, heartbroken and devastated. Would love more content on this. I'm contacting a Therapist for counseling next week because I feel like I'm not gonna make it through this if I don't get help to learn how to deal with it, handle it and heal from it. God bless you for this. Thank you again. Please keep us in your prayers.
I hope you do well and therapy helps.