I finally realized a few years ago that the self hatred I’ve carried with me since I was a tiny girl, was because of the way my mom neglected and abused me verbally. I now am pregnant with my first baby and am on a mission to understand myself so I don’t pass this trauma to my sweet son. I’ve barely cracked this book and it has already helped me so much
Some people r so lucky my mother abused me severely father of my kids abused me same I left thinking I'd finally be free but no I wasn't daily he came to take them sit them in his car brainwash them against me in a savage way tell them not to listen to me go to school do opposite of everything I told them the consequences are so horrific I find it hard to live everyday still and go on I have one family member left n he was affected seriously by the father my other child who a grown adult doesn't speak to either of us i had to to cease contact cause I was been abused
Things are definitely changing because my mom and dad said they don't believe in psychology and I'm thinking who can work on their mental health or have any introspection if they don't even believe in the field of psychology and then I became a psych major and obsessed with psychoanalytic theory of course lol
One thing I realize about the mother wound is that in order to survive my childhood I had to bury my need for my mother and be as self-sufficient as possible. Never ask for anything. Looking at how that has impacted my life, livelihood, relationships. I have more male friends that I trust. I don't have a close, intimate circle of women that I confide in. I'm too afraid that if I get close they will see how emotionally/developmentally young and undeveloped I am (or fear I may be). How needy I might be. I wear a big smile and act like everything is okay. I don't dare let others too close unless I really trust them. When I do trust another woman to open up to I feel such a huge longing to be nurtured and comforted and fear that it will be too much. That I will repulse them. That is how my mother reacted to me and my siblings. She acted repulsed and kept her distance. All of my life as far back as I can remember, she was an aloof, shut-down, silent, withdrawn, cold, distant, uninvolved shell of a human. She's 90 years old and hasn't visited me in 40 years. I went to visit her once before the pandemic. Wasn't sure if she would even open the door. One way I've coped with the mother hunger is to be part of dance groups like contact improvisation which is based on being in constant physical contact with your dance partners, including leaning into them and letting them support your weight. I've also danced the 5 Rhythms dance for over 25 years and find that through dance I can give and receive basic human closeness and nurturing. I learned young that having a lover was one way to get basic human contact that is so essential. For so long being lovers with men was the only way I knew to get my basic mother wound needs met. If I had a nurturing, understanding man it could work. But it seems so unfair and asking too much for my intimate partner to have to bare the burdon of my unmet childhood develpmental needs.
This talk felt like a salve for my soul. I’ve been spinning my wheels researching for 27 years, desperately trying to figure out what happened to me so I could heal. Mother hunger fits. Thank you so much !!
Thank you so much for making this video. I have always felt lost, empty, scared, and considered myself "love-starved" which made me obsess over and pursue romantic relationships with the hope that they would fix whatever was broken inside. What I realize now is that I want maternal love. So, so much. I just don't know how to heal because I am an adult, and don't have a mother who wants to be emotionally available. I wish I had a mom to hold and comfort me.
I can so relate to that. My husband lost his mama when he was 13, to breast cancer treatment. He only has one photo of her. In it, she's hugging him and he's laughing and she's smiling and the love there is palpable. I have a few photos of me with my mother or me as a child, and there's no hug, no visible love, no warmth at all. I spent my whole life grasping for affection. I had no father and had learned early on that female energy was cold and hard so I was desperate to find a male to love me. I never knew that when I was chasing boys I was trying to fill that void. I kept doing that until my 30s. Then I spent 7 years living solo for the first time. No boyfriend, no roommates, no dating. Just me, taking care of me. I spent 7 years learning who I really am and learning to love that person. I'm 53 and blissfully married to my best friend. No codependency, no desperation or void. I filled that myself long before he and I met, so our connection is all about love and support for each other, sharing a journey. It's not all in the past or fully healed, but it's amazing how life changes when even part of that wound finally closes. ❤ I hope you find that place of true self acceptance and self love. You can't get that other love now from her or anyone else, but you can give that to yourself.
I don't even have a picture as a child with my mother. All my pictures from childhood are sad. I can see the sadness in my eyes. I found out too late my mother is a narcissist and she has confronted my siblings against me. I'm doing inner child work by myself. I have tried a few psychologists but no one good enough; they use constalations and other guru-like therapies.
Wow, Im a therapist and after seeing hundreds of clients I recognize alot of things had to do with the mother and now I see why, she is our first love. I understand so much here, including my own life story, this makes so much sense!
Thank you for addressing this topic... I have a narc mom and I was neglected even though I lived in a financially secure home. I knew at a very young age that my mom was just incapable of being my mom. So by the time I was literally in kindergarten, I was Not wishing she were different, I was wishing for a different mom... Now, in my 30s, the hardest thing for me is coping with my social ineptitude caused by her neglect, which has injured my ability to connect with people. I dont know how to make friends. Thats like a double trauma
Kelly, I knew there was something wrong with me, why I had so many relationships and never belonged…people pleaser. My mom fed and clothed me, but I never remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me. Surely she must have. She told me once she worried that she had hurt me by being so cold when I was very tiny. She was hell growing up with in the Pentecostal church. She literally beat the hell out of me. I’m a survivor. I loved my four children with everything in me. Sometimes to the way lenient side, I flipped the coin. But thank God they are all normal and happy, I didn’t do too much damage. Thank you SO much for the books and these videos.
I don't think my mom ever liked me. I recently learnt she was devastated that I was born a girl and not a boy. And she's treated me like a problem my whole life. It started with my sensitivity, then my weight gain, then my sexuality. She's been emotionally abusive towards me my whole life. I'm in my early 30s now. Always anxious. I feel this constant need for love and nurturing. She's stopped talking to me since I moved in with my girl friend. I'm so ready to let this hurt go. I won't allow her to make me small anymore. There's so much about me that she should be proud of. But she only sees me through this narrow lense and if I don't fit what she thinks is ok she withdraws her love and support.
That's horrible, I'm so sorry you had to endure this, I can relate. I hope you are able to heal and live a wonderful life from now on. Best wishes and blessings :)
For what I know about narcissistic mothers; if you were a man you would have been hurted too. Actually, I have a brother (and many sisters) and he wasn't the golden child (golden children usually grow up to become narcissists, not always, of course). My brother is somehow a lost child who married a narcissistic woman. I tried to warn them about my mother and their roles in the family to not avail since I am crazy (I have been crazy on and off my whole life depending on their needs; if I was submissive, I was not crazy and I could take care of my nephew, niece, anyone my mother included. I can't get sick either, in their minds, I'm looking for attention 😢
I waited for that apology and then finally I got it. My mother is 79, and she finally sees how she hurt me.. or she says. I can tell you the apology feels unreal, the pain is still there, and the grief is the only way through.
I tried bringing up the pain I felt after being sexually abused, and she said "here we go again, talking about your feelings".... I died inside that day, thinking I was being selfish.
I just found this and just started listening to this and I’m very excited about it. There is a children’s book called Are You My Mother? I always could relate to the title of that book because I think I’ve spent most of my life trying to find mother love. So anyways, I’m so excited to listen to this.
Thanks so much, a wonderful podcast. I'm a 52 yr old woman, recently having become aware that my mum is very much on the covert narcissistic spectrum, explaining a lot but bringing a lot of grief and sadness. Your perspective Kelly has given me a whole extra swathe of tools and understanding of my, and my mums situation in our relationship. I feel more empathetic towards her but also towards myself. Thank you. ❤ Ps I have just ordered your book and looking forward to receiving it! 🙏
Neglect, coldness... you get wounded just for the luck of unconditional love. If you have not been physical, emotionally hurted much better, otherwise you'll be worse. I don't consciously wait for an apology but I think I do subconciously.
This finally gave me not just the ‘right name’ but also an understanding to my unidentified health issues/cravings and my challenges with my daughter! Many lightbulb moments 😌; thank you very much Kelly and Dawn!! 💗🙏🏻
I just want to say how excited I feel when a teacher in trauma/CPTSD/attachment work mentions yoga. It's like a little excited yogi in my head perks up to listen and then starts doing cartwheels. I love recognizing ideas that I've heard in other niches, as I've lingered in spiritual spaces as well as CPTSD and attachment specific spaces. I love that they all intersect and come together. I had the little seed of doing yoga planted in my head over the years, and then because I was studying these concepts, finally decided to go for it. Particularly Van der Kaulk teaching yoga for trauma. I am on my own healing path, but I also want to eventually be a clinician/healer of some sort. Not sure how that will manifest yet. I absolutely love yoga, but I also love psychology and trauma work, but I also don't want to just be a talk therapist, as I love the idea of working with the body and intertwining spirituality, and that can be tricky in traditional therapy circles. Right now I feel blessed to be working with a coach who is familiar with all these concepts and more. Still figuring it all out, but in the meantime thank you for teaching these ideas that set my soul on fire!
I didn't get any of the three from any mother figure, and I think there needs to be discussion around forgiving ourselves when we, as damaged and struggling children of these parents become parents ourselves and make some of these mistakes ourselves. A blessing I have found in the things I never got in my upbringing is knowing what NOT to do. However, sometimes, the lack of parental guidance leads us to inadvertently repeat the mistakes of our parents. Personally, I don't yet know how to let go of and forgive those mistakes. I'm open with my children about mistakes I've made and ways I may have hurt them, and while they may have forgiven me, I haven't. And it's holding me back from healing further. Thank you for sharing this invaluable information. ❤
Sorry to hear that, I also have a lot of dissapointment and grief regarding therapy and conventional healthcare in general, there's so much room for improvement. Thankfully I found Gabor Mate, Daniel Mackler and Peter Gerlach on YT. The resources they provide and their open approach to question the current standards, helped me to stay sane when people around me judged me as insane based on their own issues projected onto me.
@@Seamannon I can relate. My narc mom had munchausen by proxy. She insisted I was mentally ill. She put me through psych evals every year. Kept doctor shopping. Would advise all in my life that I was MI and how hard it was for her. This started at 4 y.o.
@@jenniferg6818 I'm so sorry, that's terrible, you deserved better. Some parents aren't able to tolerate the idea that their children's behaviour and health might be impacted by their own flawed parenting, so they prefer to look for outside reasons and confirmation from authority figures to get themselves "off the hook". It's much more comfortable for them to team up with a teacher against the child "because it's just a brat" or with a doctor "because that's just an illness or a genetical flaw" rather than question their own "teaching methods" or make an effort to emotionally connect with their child respect them as a person. Many people don't treat their children as people deserving of care and respect, only as objects to posess and control. How are you doing now?
My good friend put me onto you so I can learn more about my lady. Just the comments I have read here make so much sense to me about her now, wow! I can not wait to let my lady know about this. Mother Hunger explains so so much about her. Thank you, and thanks to my good friend Jen!
@@madeleinegrayson8372 Thanks do much. Didnt turn out to well. In typical covert narcissist fashion it was turned back onto me as usual and I had to call it quits because of the abuse that wouldnt stop. I do care about her and hope she can find happiness in herself one day.
My mother was the original mean girl. She never gave encouragement. Wouldnt go to any games or sport events i was involved in. i had one birthday party ay 8 when i first moved back in with her. Shr would always tell me the story of how she tried to abort me but she couldnt. She was 16. She would always talk about how her life would have been better if she didnt have me. I always felt the lack of respect she had for before i knew what is was. I felt she didnt like me, at all. I have the book and its helping me.
I am so grateful and appreciative for this information, as well as all the immense intentions to help, educate and heal sooo many women that desperately need a name for these feelings and voids in their hearts and minds. Thank you so much. 💗🙏
I am so fearful of other women. I lost my mom at the age of 9. (Cervical cancer) My dad remarried 4 times. I just can’t attach to women well. I’m afraid I’ll love them and they’ll leave again. I’m a mother of a 10 year old and 15 month old and I’ve been in therapy. I would love a good life coach.
This work is very much needed and appreciated thanks to you both. As for the yoga section the technique is called "Alternate Nostril Breathing" using the "Rule of 4" breathing and yes this works wonders for decluttering the mind and improving focus. Again thank you both 💚
Wow this was so powerful and I so enjoyed Kelly McDaniel's approach and way of speaking. I felt my emotions come right to the surface hanging on her every word. I have been in therapy for a few years now and the aspect of grief I am still working with.
Wow, I was aware of the Mom connection to my issues, etc. However, this just opened a huge Pandora's box with not much that I could discern I do with IT! Excellent material & research.
I feel like something got named, in hearing this message. My daughter is now effected by earlier mother daughter wounds and now has cut me out of my granddaughters life. Im being torn to shreds and thinking of living in an ashram at this point in my life.
i watch yoga with adriene! she’s the coolest 😂❤❤ thanks for this video. i deal with mother hunger myself and it is a constant battle but i am def healing!
I've worked in epiginetics to understand my abusive family. When my MD abusive father who has the same genetic issues, chose to give my mother shots to stop her milk so I was not breast fed. At least I was rocked. My mom and her mom didn't deserve the abuse they received. Misogyny is a part of all this. I am finally late in life understanding more. En utero spot on. This genetics of her condition often causes preeclampsia. I feel I came to live for deep sharing of love and peace. My oncologist has it and lost a child.
I also see the bigger picture wrt Mysogyny being part of this. My mother needed TLC and psychiatric care. Instead she got told "there's something wrong with you" by her father. Then married into further abuse. She wasn't capable of motherly love, she was mentally ill. But men have no clue, and just expect women to reproduce. No other value. Really. 😢
The hurt, anger, tears, emptiness, unworthiness are always just below the surface. Therefore, I am always trying to please everyone around me. I am always trying to be "worthy. I try to be good, clever, funny, accomplished. But it does not heal the hole. If my own mother doesn't love me, what's wrong with me? All my friends gush about their amazing moms and how close they are. I am alone and abandoned in the world. I look to men for love, and they lie to me and exploit me, and then tell me I am worthless, and then I am more destroyed. I am talking about long-term relationships. They say, "So what if your mom does not love you. Just forget her". Forgetting her does not help. When the bad relationship is over, then I am more alone in the world than I was before.
I lost my mother through divorce, at the age of 5, my Dad got custody of my brother and I. I recently have been looking at my childhood to find why I still feel unworthy. Also my mom was a narcissist and I don’t really understand that nor how she ended up that way, except possiblywas spoiled. Also my parents and ancestors were survivors of wars. I myself am of the baby boomer generation. I just want to feel whole and worthy.
I'm the family scapegoat and I think you are probably right since all my siblings are enablers. The most narcissistic ones where the most spoiled. I found out about the root of my problems at 55. I'm now 60 and although I am doing a lot of inner work I have not found a good therapist. I doubt that I can heal by myself but still working on it. Another problem is my age. Society doesn't like old women on their own. Isolation is not just one sided, I mean, due to the attachment trauma itself on my side. In Spain, there's no groups besides the church. In fact, this issue is unknown and it would be very unpopular due to the mother's myth (all mothers are great without exceptions, like the Virgin Mary). Wishing you the best ❤
Do you know your attachment style? Disorganized attachment typically has the highest number of sexual partners. Personally, I’ve used sex as validation, worth, and being wanted. Honestly, I wanted to feel those things so badly I’d let the encounter happen even if I didn’t want it too- shows how much of a fundamental biological need mother hunger is.
I'm have never been so much into sex (of course I had relationships and I even got married) and I have been emotionally dependent. Probably I'm still co-dependent but since I live isolated I can't know for sure. I'm not healed.
Doctor, how would you elaborate possible suggestions with a victim of narcissistic abuse from her mother, who is battling cptsd and had to resort to no contact, and now has to fight the guilt of her mother having real cancer? I feel it's an impossible and brutal situation to live
Please clarify that brain development is not complete at 5. That is wrong. That is used to say the personality is set by 5. Later abuse, even at 5 or in primary school can regress a child. If the mother is not emotionally tuned in she can miss the abuse or turn away. Parents who weren’t physically abusive in the first 5 years hear this and use it to deny the emotional and attachment wound. There is no outward abuse sometimes, but can lead to behavior issues later. Brain development and learning is more like 25! Years old! Please correct this confusing concept.
While I understand why you don't want to blame mothers, as someone who has been healing this wound for years - you'll have to blame. Because the rage and the anger, esp if it was a cluster B mother, is going to be severe. And those things need to assign blame properly - to mother - where it belongs, rather than in the gaslit mind of the daughter. That might be scary. That might be culturally taboo. But it does real victims a huge disservice to refuse to blame mother. We have an epidemic of severely traumatized daughters of mothers who are intentionally sadistic, intentionally destructive, intentionally in denial. I'm tired of making excuses and protecting "women" from proper blame, when victims need moral solidarity more than anything else.
I understand this. It's the reason I have been feeling extreme guilt, knowing that I have raised 3 children with my own wounds suppressed so deep. I should have been better, I should have known better. I had abandoned myself, so as much as I tried my mothering was just copying others. With my own addictions. Thinking I would be the one to "be better" but ended up not. 😢 I accept that they will blame me. I'm not running from it.
@@Needy_nic I'm so moved by what you wrote here. It's so rare to come across such honesty and humility. All any child wants is for their mother to acknowledge their pain, to see it, and care. We love our mothers without end, no matter their flaws. All we want is for them to love us back, truly, in honesty. They will blame you, and if you can hold space for that, to allow it, you will help them to heal. You should work with your guilt, to process it. You don't need to live with it indefinitely.
Can you explain how this goes beyond Mother bashing- but many things can be true at once. How can we frame this within a hurtful patriarchal society and yet reframe this critique as showing the unique importance of Mother's? I feel stuck because I understand intellectually the how's and why's that made my Mom- but I still suffer silently with the pain, anger and grief. I chose not to have children myself. There was a painful confusion and an inability to articulate what the terror was at having a child of my own- I had three terminations and a miscarriage. How do I move from under the shadow of my Mom? This feels so wrong, immature and self indulgent to write about. Thank you
💔 I'm not a therapist. But this isn't about mother bashing & shaming. It's about acknowledging the truth of what happened, not only to us, but to our mothers & grand mothers too, and to heal ourselves, and break the cycle of hurt and trauma. Sending love & hugs. Wishing all of us love and healing. 🙏💕
I feel you 😢 It's not self indulgent of you to write this, it actually takes some courage to share something vulnerable and personal despite that underlying shame. I think people who get to that point already had to endure some amount of desperation and hopelessness to even admit where they're at. So now you're at the brink of acceptance and healing as far as I'm concerned. You also provided a point of emotional connection for others who can relate to your story and your pain. It's not easy to expose yourself like that, but someone always has to make the first move and articulate an issue, before others can see themselves in that picture and connect. That's how communities can form, that's our opportunity for compassion. ;) Thank you for sharing, I appreciate that. You don't have to suffer in silence, nobody ever should suffer in silence and be required to "just function normally", whithin unhealthy environments. There are always reasons behind our actions, but we're still responsible for our actions. I believe you have compassion and understanding for your mom, but is she able to do the same for you? If not, then mabe you have to focus on your own healing for a while and get back to her when you recovered some of your strenght and confidence to deal with one sided relationships again? Best wishes and blessings :)
I'll bash the person who gave birth to me all day long. I'm 57 and my life is a complete and total waste of time and energy. I don't care what caused her issues with me. The result is what matters. I have a biological entity out there that was supposed to love me and it did not. I also chose not to have children because I wanted to end the cycle of abuse.
I disagree about this theory I hear everywhere that the first 5 years is when all the damage starts. I believe that for many, the 1st 5 years was probably the best of times, and indeed, when a child learns to speak is when the abuse starts.
Both are true. The first 5 years of our lives are indeed crucial in terms of lifelong patterns. But generally even the most narcissistic parent tolerates their child right up until they start talking, showing uniqueness and saying no.
I finally realized a few years ago that the self hatred I’ve carried with me since I was a tiny girl, was because of the way my mom neglected and abused me verbally. I now am pregnant with my first baby and am on a mission to understand myself so I don’t pass this trauma to my sweet son. I’ve barely cracked this book and it has already helped me so much
Some people r so lucky my mother abused me severely father of my kids abused me same I left thinking I'd finally be free but no I wasn't daily he came to take them sit them in his car brainwash them against me in a savage way tell them not to listen to me go to school do opposite of everything I told them the consequences are so horrific I find it hard to live everyday still and go on I have one family member left n he was affected seriously by the father my other child who a grown adult doesn't speak to either of us i had to to cease contact cause I was been abused
Things are definitely changing because my mom and dad said they don't believe in psychology and I'm thinking who can work on their mental health or have any introspection if they don't even believe in the field of psychology and then I became a psych major and obsessed with psychoanalytic theory of course lol
You go girl ❤
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Have you read Dr. Sears and John Bowlby? ❤❤
One thing I realize about the mother wound is that in order to survive my childhood I had to bury my need for my mother and be as self-sufficient as possible. Never ask for anything. Looking at how that has impacted my life, livelihood, relationships. I have more male friends that I trust. I don't have a close, intimate circle of women that I confide in. I'm too afraid that if I get close they will see how emotionally/developmentally young and undeveloped I am (or fear I may be). How needy I might be. I wear a big smile and act like everything is okay. I don't dare let others too close unless I really trust them. When I do trust another woman to open up to I feel such a huge longing to be nurtured and comforted and fear that it will be too much. That I will repulse them. That is how my mother reacted to me and my siblings. She acted repulsed and kept her distance. All of my life as far back as I can remember, she was an aloof, shut-down, silent, withdrawn, cold, distant, uninvolved shell of a human. She's 90 years old and hasn't visited me in 40 years. I went to visit her once before the pandemic. Wasn't sure if she would even open the door. One way I've coped with the mother hunger is to be part of dance groups like contact improvisation which is based on being in constant physical contact with your dance partners, including leaning into them and letting them support your weight. I've also danced the 5 Rhythms dance for over 25 years and find that through dance I can give and receive basic human closeness and nurturing. I learned young that having a lover was one way to get basic human contact that is so essential. For so long being lovers with men was the only way I knew to get my basic mother wound needs met. If I had a nurturing, understanding man it could work. But it seems so unfair and asking too much for my intimate partner to have to bare the burdon of my unmet childhood develpmental needs.
😢❤
I feel similar!! We should start a group to connect with similar woman❤
Thank you for this beautiful, personal comment. You’ve poured salve on my lonesome heart today.
I feel this. Thank you for offering me a part of your truth. My soul sees you and feels you.
This talk felt like a salve for my soul. I’ve been spinning my wheels researching for 27 years, desperately trying to figure out what happened to me so I could heal. Mother hunger fits. Thank you so much !!
Thank you so much for making this video. I have always felt lost, empty, scared, and considered myself "love-starved" which made me obsess over and pursue romantic relationships with the hope that they would fix whatever was broken inside. What I realize now is that I want maternal love. So, so much. I just don't know how to heal because I am an adult, and don't have a mother who wants to be emotionally available. I wish I had a mom to hold and comfort me.
I can so relate to that. My husband lost his mama when he was 13, to breast cancer treatment. He only has one photo of her. In it, she's hugging him and he's laughing and she's smiling and the love there is palpable.
I have a few photos of me with my mother or me as a child, and there's no hug, no visible love, no warmth at all.
I spent my whole life grasping for affection. I had no father and had learned early on that female energy was cold and hard so I was desperate to find a male to love me. I never knew that when I was chasing boys I was trying to fill that void. I kept doing that until my 30s. Then I spent 7 years living solo for the first time. No boyfriend, no roommates, no dating. Just me, taking care of me. I spent 7 years learning who I really am and learning to love that person.
I'm 53 and blissfully married to my best friend. No codependency, no desperation or void. I filled that myself long before he and I met, so our connection is all about love and support for each other, sharing a journey.
It's not all in the past or fully healed, but it's amazing how life changes when even part of that wound finally closes. ❤ I hope you find that place of true self acceptance and self love. You can't get that other love now from her or anyone else, but you can give that to yourself.
I don't even have a picture as a child with my mother. All my pictures from childhood are sad. I can see the sadness in my eyes.
I found out too late my mother is a narcissist and she has confronted my siblings against me. I'm doing inner child work by myself. I have tried a few psychologists but no one good enough; they use constalations and other guru-like therapies.
I relate deeply to this !
@@Lyrielonwindl hear you, haven’t found a skilled therapist so l just try to do grief work myself
Wow, Im a therapist and after seeing hundreds of clients I recognize alot of things had to do with the mother and now I see why, she is our first love. I understand so much here, including my own life story, this makes so much sense!
Our first love is a true analogy actually
I used to see Kelly as my therapist around 2008. She was literally the best therapist I have ever been to.
Thank you for addressing this topic... I have a narc mom and I was neglected even though I lived in a financially secure home. I knew at a very young age that my mom was just incapable of being my mom. So by the time I was literally in kindergarten, I was Not wishing she were different, I was wishing for a different mom... Now, in my 30s, the hardest thing for me is coping with my social ineptitude caused by her neglect, which has injured my ability to connect with people. I dont know how to make friends. Thats like a double trauma
❤ I'm your friend ❤
Kelly, I knew there was something wrong with me, why I had so many relationships and never belonged…people pleaser. My mom fed and clothed me, but I never remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me. Surely she must have. She told me once she worried that she had hurt me by being so cold when I was very tiny. She was hell growing up with in the Pentecostal church. She literally beat the hell out of me.
I’m a survivor. I loved my four children with everything in me. Sometimes to the way lenient side, I flipped the coin. But thank God they are all normal and happy, I didn’t do too much damage.
Thank you SO much for the books and these videos.
Yes, frozen grief. That's it. Thank you.
I don't think my mom ever liked me. I recently learnt she was devastated that I was born a girl and not a boy. And she's treated me like a problem my whole life. It started with my sensitivity, then my weight gain, then my sexuality. She's been emotionally abusive towards me my whole life. I'm in my early 30s now. Always anxious. I feel this constant need for love and nurturing. She's stopped talking to me since I moved in with my girl friend. I'm so ready to let this hurt go. I won't allow her to make me small anymore. There's so much about me that she should be proud of. But she only sees me through this narrow lense and if I don't fit what she thinks is ok she withdraws her love and support.
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That's horrible, I'm so sorry you had to endure this, I can relate. I hope you are able to heal and live a wonderful life from now on. Best wishes and blessings :)
For what I know about narcissistic mothers; if you were a man you would have been hurted too. Actually, I have a brother (and many sisters) and he wasn't the golden child (golden children usually grow up to become narcissists, not always, of course).
My brother is somehow a lost child who married a narcissistic woman. I tried to warn them about my mother and their roles in the family to not avail since I am crazy (I have been crazy on and off my whole life depending on their needs; if I was submissive, I was not crazy and I could take care of my nephew, niece, anyone my mother included.
I can't get sick either, in their minds, I'm looking for attention 😢
Let them out of your life .. built a new life with more positive people.. u deserve it!
after i saw her at the red table i had to come here on youtube and look for her
Me too...
Third degree mother hunger is exactly what I have, spot on.
I waited for that apology and then finally I got it. My mother is 79, and she finally sees how she hurt me.. or she says. I can tell you the apology feels unreal, the pain is still there, and the grief is the only way through.
My 90 year old mom still doesnt see why I was SO hurt by her. She made a very flimsy apology saying, "well Im sorry.. lets just move on!"
I tried bringing up the pain I felt after being sexually abused, and she said "here we go again, talking about your feelings".... I died inside that day, thinking I was being selfish.
I just found this and just started listening to this and I’m very excited about it. There is a children’s book called Are You My Mother? I always could relate to the title of that book because I think I’ve spent most of my life trying to find mother love. So anyways, I’m so excited to listen to this.
Thanks so much, a wonderful podcast. I'm a 52 yr old woman, recently having become aware that my mum is very much on the covert narcissistic spectrum, explaining a lot but bringing a lot of grief and sadness. Your perspective Kelly has given me a whole extra swathe of tools and understanding of my, and my mums situation in our relationship. I feel more empathetic towards her but also towards myself. Thank you. ❤ Ps I have just ordered your book and looking forward to receiving it! 🙏
Apology Ache: She has told me that she has never, ever did a single thing wrong to me.
Neglect, coldness... you get wounded just for the luck of unconditional love. If you have not been physical, emotionally hurted much better, otherwise you'll be worse.
I don't consciously wait for an apology but I think I do subconciously.
Mine too
This finally gave me not just the ‘right name’ but also an understanding to my unidentified health issues/cravings and my challenges with my daughter! Many lightbulb moments 😌; thank you very much Kelly and Dawn!! 💗🙏🏻
I just want to say how excited I feel when a teacher in trauma/CPTSD/attachment work mentions yoga. It's like a little excited yogi in my head perks up to listen and then starts doing cartwheels. I love recognizing ideas that I've heard in other niches, as I've lingered in spiritual spaces as well as CPTSD and attachment specific spaces. I love that they all intersect and come together. I had the little seed of doing yoga planted in my head over the years, and then because I was studying these concepts, finally decided to go for it. Particularly Van der Kaulk teaching yoga for trauma.
I am on my own healing path, but I also want to eventually be a clinician/healer of some sort. Not sure how that will manifest yet. I absolutely love yoga, but I also love psychology and trauma work, but I also don't want to just be a talk therapist, as I love the idea of working with the body and intertwining spirituality, and that can be tricky in traditional therapy circles. Right now I feel blessed to be working with a coach who is familiar with all these concepts and more. Still figuring it all out, but in the meantime thank you for teaching these ideas that set my soul on fire!
I didn't get any of the three from any mother figure, and I think there needs to be discussion around forgiving ourselves when we, as damaged and struggling children of these parents become parents ourselves and make some of these mistakes ourselves. A blessing I have found in the things I never got in my upbringing is knowing what NOT to do. However, sometimes, the lack of parental guidance leads us to inadvertently repeat the mistakes of our parents. Personally, I don't yet know how to let go of and forgive those mistakes. I'm open with my children about mistakes I've made and ways I may have hurt them, and while they may have forgiven me, I haven't. And it's holding me back from healing further. Thank you for sharing this invaluable information. ❤
I've been in therapy since I was 13 and no one has been able to help me at all. Since no one knows what to do with us they hospitalized us
Sorry to hear that, I also have a lot of dissapointment and grief regarding therapy and conventional healthcare in general, there's so much room for improvement. Thankfully I found Gabor Mate, Daniel Mackler and Peter Gerlach on YT. The resources they provide and their open approach to question the current standards, helped me to stay sane when people around me judged me as insane based on their own issues projected onto me.
@@Seamannon I can relate. My narc mom had munchausen by proxy. She insisted I was mentally ill. She put me through psych evals every year. Kept doctor shopping. Would advise all in my life that I was MI and how hard it was for her. This started at 4 y.o.
@@jenniferg6818 I'm so sorry, that's terrible, you deserved better.
Some parents aren't able to tolerate the idea that their children's behaviour and health might be impacted by their own flawed parenting, so they prefer to look for outside reasons and confirmation from authority figures to get themselves "off the hook". It's much more comfortable for them to team up with a teacher against the child "because it's just a brat" or with a doctor "because that's just an illness or a genetical flaw" rather than question their own "teaching methods" or make an effort to emotionally connect with their child respect them as a person. Many people don't treat their children as people deserving of care and respect, only as objects to posess and control.
How are you doing now?
My good friend put me onto you so I can learn more about my lady. Just the comments I have read here make so much sense to me about her now, wow! I can not wait to let my lady know about this. Mother Hunger explains so so much about her.
Thank you, and thanks to my good friend Jen!
It's wonderful that you care enough about her to do this, you're a special soul.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 Thanks do much. Didnt turn out to well. In typical covert narcissist fashion it was turned back onto me as usual and I had to call it quits because of the abuse that wouldnt stop. I do care about her and hope she can find happiness in herself one day.
@@merccrewlcab2385 oh no, sorry to hear that. I hope you find someone worthy of you and ready to be in a healthy relationship.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 Thanks girl! Gonna take some time for myself and enjoy a positive life! How are you?
@@merccrewlcab2385 That's so healthy and it's good to see because I feel like society is a cesspool.
My mother was the original mean girl. She never gave encouragement. Wouldnt go to any games or sport events i was involved in. i had one birthday party ay 8 when i first moved back in with her. Shr would always tell me the story of how she tried to abort me but she couldnt. She was 16. She would always talk about how her life would have been better if she didnt have me. I always felt the lack of respect she had for before i knew what is was. I felt she didnt like me, at all. I have the book and its helping me.
Yup I definitely have mother hunger I was emotionally abandoned by two so called mothers my biological and adopted mother
I am so grateful and appreciative for this information, as well as all the immense intentions to help, educate and heal sooo many women that desperately need a name for these feelings and voids in their hearts and minds. Thank you so much. 💗🙏
I am so grateful to find this today! Thank you both for shining a light on our wounds. Resonates. 🙏
I am so fearful of other women. I lost my mom at the age of 9. (Cervical cancer) My dad remarried 4 times. I just can’t attach to women well. I’m afraid I’ll love them and they’ll leave again.
I’m a mother of a 10 year old and 15 month old and I’ve been in therapy. I would love a good life coach.
You are doing amazing.
This work is very much needed and appreciated thanks to you both.
As for the yoga section the technique is called "Alternate Nostril Breathing" using the "Rule of 4" breathing and yes this works wonders for decluttering the mind and improving focus.
Again thank you both 💚
I'm listening to your book and each chapter has given me such understanding. I can't wait to discuss with my therapist.
Wow this was so powerful and I so enjoyed Kelly McDaniel's approach and way of speaking. I felt my emotions come right to the surface hanging on her every word. I have been in therapy for a few years now and the aspect of grief I am still working with.
Thank you for this video. Starting book tomorrow. 🙏
Very helpful, thank you for this!!
Absolutely brilliant and liberating . Thank you Namaste 🙏
i’m so glad i came across your video!
This is so GOOD!!
I'm mind blown already definitely will read the book
Thank you for this
Thank you for this video!
Thank you❤
Wow, I was aware of the Mom connection to my issues, etc. However, this just opened a huge Pandora's box with not much that I could discern I do with IT! Excellent material & research.
I feel like something got named, in hearing this message. My daughter is now effected by earlier mother daughter wounds and now has cut me out of my granddaughters life. Im being torn to shreds and thinking of living in an ashram at this point in my life.
I’m going through this at this time too. I honor my journey, your journey and our daughters and granddaughters journeys. Sending us Love and Light ❤!
I’m sure your daughter wants to hear that….. not…
Well heal yourself you owe that to yourself your daughter and your grand daughter
i watch yoga with adriene! she’s the coolest 😂❤❤ thanks for this video. i deal with mother hunger myself and it is a constant battle but i am def healing!
I've worked in epiginetics to understand my abusive family. When my MD abusive father who has the same genetic issues, chose to give my mother shots to stop her milk so I was not breast fed. At least I was rocked. My mom and her mom didn't deserve the abuse they received. Misogyny is a part of all this. I am finally late in life understanding more. En utero spot on. This genetics of her condition often causes preeclampsia. I feel I came to live for deep sharing of love and peace. My oncologist has it and lost a child.
I also see the bigger picture wrt Mysogyny being part of this. My mother needed TLC and psychiatric care. Instead she got told "there's something wrong with you" by her father. Then married into further abuse. She wasn't capable of motherly love, she was mentally ill. But men have no clue, and just expect women to reproduce. No other value. Really. 😢
Wow breakthrough for me !
Yes! Pranyama breathing is really good for anxiety. Also, The Art of Living has a great course on this.
Genius!
Born a twin whose father passed away when I was 19 months old; father hole/mother hunger.
God loves you.. talk to your creator, you'll see miracles.
Love from Morocco ❤
The hurt, anger, tears, emptiness, unworthiness are always just below the surface. Therefore, I am always trying to please everyone around me. I am always trying to be "worthy. I try to be good, clever, funny, accomplished. But it does not heal the hole. If my own mother doesn't love me, what's wrong with me? All my friends gush about their amazing moms and how close they are. I am alone and abandoned in the world. I look to men for love, and they lie to me and exploit me, and then tell me I am worthless, and then I am more destroyed. I am talking about long-term relationships. They say, "So what if your mom does not love you. Just forget her". Forgetting her does not help. When the bad relationship is over, then I am more alone in the world than I was before.
I lost my mother through divorce, at the age of 5, my Dad got custody of my brother and I. I recently have been looking at my childhood to find why I still feel unworthy. Also my mom was a narcissist and I don’t really understand that nor how she ended up that way, except possiblywas spoiled. Also my parents and ancestors were survivors of wars. I myself am of the baby boomer generation. I just want to feel whole and worthy.
I'm the family scapegoat and I think you are probably right since all my siblings are enablers. The most narcissistic ones where the most spoiled.
I found out about the root of my problems at 55. I'm now 60 and although I am doing a lot of inner work I have not found a good therapist. I doubt that I can heal by myself but still working on it. Another problem is my age. Society doesn't like old women on their own. Isolation is not just one sided, I mean, due to the attachment trauma itself on my side. In Spain, there's no groups besides the church. In fact, this issue is unknown and it would be very unpopular due to the mother's myth (all mothers are great without exceptions, like the Virgin Mary).
Wishing you the best ❤
What if we always turn to sexual relationship dependance from early puberty. Does it mean that we have something missing in our parental love hunger?
Do you know your attachment style?
Disorganized attachment typically has the highest number of sexual partners.
Personally, I’ve used sex as validation, worth, and being wanted. Honestly, I wanted to feel those things so badly I’d let the encounter happen even if I didn’t want it too- shows how much of a fundamental biological need mother hunger is.
I'm have never been so much into sex (of course I had relationships and I even got married) and I have been emotionally dependent. Probably I'm still co-dependent but since I live isolated I can't know for sure. I'm not healed.
Doctor, how would you elaborate possible suggestions with a victim of narcissistic abuse from her mother, who is battling cptsd and had to resort to no contact, and now has to fight the guilt of her mother having real cancer?
I feel it's an impossible and brutal situation to live
Kelly is so beautiful 😩😍😍 I wish she were my mom and gave that attunement to me❤️🌟
When you go thru consequences of abuse from childhood up to your adult life of 50 years u cannot not feel terrufied thats impossible i lived it
Yes, I am triggered😣😣😣 I need you Kelly
Please clarify that brain development is not complete at 5. That is wrong. That is used to say the personality is set by 5. Later abuse, even at 5 or in primary school can regress a child. If the mother is not emotionally tuned in she can miss the abuse or turn away. Parents who weren’t physically abusive in the first 5 years hear this and use it to deny the emotional and attachment wound. There is no outward abuse sometimes, but can lead to behavior issues later. Brain development and learning is more like 25! Years old! Please correct this confusing concept.
I DO BLAME MY MOTHER!
Me too
Watson nuts. Authoritarian parenting I believe has led us to now.
Cribs and bottlefeeding are the root of all evil.
While I understand why you don't want to blame mothers, as someone who has been healing this wound for years - you'll have to blame. Because the rage and the anger, esp if it was a cluster B mother, is going to be severe. And those things need to assign blame properly - to mother - where it belongs, rather than in the gaslit mind of the daughter. That might be scary. That might be culturally taboo. But it does real victims a huge disservice to refuse to blame mother. We have an epidemic of severely traumatized daughters of mothers who are intentionally sadistic, intentionally destructive, intentionally in denial. I'm tired of making excuses and protecting "women" from proper blame, when victims need moral solidarity more than anything else.
Well said❤
I understand this. It's the reason I have been feeling extreme guilt, knowing that I have raised 3 children with my own wounds suppressed so deep. I should have been better, I should have known better. I had abandoned myself, so as much as I tried my mothering was just copying others. With my own addictions. Thinking I would be the one to "be better" but ended up not. 😢 I accept that they will blame me. I'm not running from it.
@@Needy_nic I'm so moved by what you wrote here. It's so rare to come across such honesty and humility. All any child wants is for their mother to acknowledge their pain, to see it, and care. We love our mothers without end, no matter their flaws. All we want is for them to love us back, truly, in honesty. They will blame you, and if you can hold space for that, to allow it, you will help them to heal. You should work with your guilt, to process it. You don't need to live with it indefinitely.
It (the thing that gave birth to me) deserves all the bashing I can give.
Can you explain how this goes beyond Mother bashing- but many things can be true at once. How can we frame this within a hurtful patriarchal society and yet reframe this critique as showing the unique importance of Mother's?
I feel stuck because I understand intellectually the how's and why's that made my Mom- but I still suffer silently with the pain, anger and grief. I chose not to have children myself. There was a painful confusion and an inability to articulate what the terror was at having a child of my own- I had three terminations and a miscarriage.
How do I move from under the shadow of my Mom?
This feels so wrong, immature and self indulgent to write about.
Thank you
💔
I'm not a therapist. But this isn't about mother bashing & shaming. It's about acknowledging the truth of what happened, not only to us, but to our mothers & grand mothers too, and to heal ourselves, and break the cycle of hurt and trauma.
Sending love & hugs.
Wishing all of us love and healing.
🙏💕
@@loooveismusic8 💗
I feel you 😢
It's not self indulgent of you to write this, it actually takes some courage to share something vulnerable and personal despite that underlying shame.
I think people who get to that point already had to endure some amount of desperation and hopelessness to even admit where they're at. So now you're at the brink of acceptance and healing as far as I'm concerned.
You also provided a point of emotional connection for others who can relate to your story and your pain. It's not easy to expose yourself like that, but someone always has to make the first move and articulate an issue, before others can see themselves in that picture and connect. That's how communities can form, that's our opportunity for compassion. ;)
Thank you for sharing, I appreciate that. You don't have to suffer in silence, nobody ever should suffer in silence and be required to "just function normally", whithin unhealthy environments. There are always reasons behind our actions, but we're still responsible for our actions. I believe you have compassion and understanding for your mom, but is she able to do the same for you? If not, then mabe you have to focus on your own healing for a while and get back to her when you recovered some of your strenght and confidence to deal with one sided relationships again?
Best wishes and blessings :)
@@Seamannon Thank you so so much 💗
I'll bash the person who gave birth to me all day long. I'm 57 and my life is a complete and total waste of time and energy. I don't care what caused her issues with me. The result is what matters. I have a biological entity out there that was supposed to love me and it did not. I also chose not to have children because I wanted to end the cycle of abuse.
I disagree about this theory I hear everywhere that the first 5 years is when all the damage starts. I believe that for many, the 1st 5 years was probably the best of times, and indeed, when a child learns to speak is when the abuse starts.
Both are true. The first 5 years of our lives are indeed crucial in terms of lifelong patterns. But generally even the most narcissistic parent tolerates their child right up until they start talking, showing uniqueness and saying no.
If you listen to Gabor Mate you will find out babies can even get hurted in uterus and not only due to drugs and alcohol.
This is too much to process for one video. Make 10 !😮
The nuclear family structure causes these issues.
Remove me from this
I am sorry Lisa, I am not sure I understand. Can you please say more or email us at connect@sherecovers.org? Thank you!
Omg.... Stop creating more and more mental health drama ....you need therapy!🙄🙄🙄
Why did you say that? I honestly want to know…
That’s the point …
Seems it's worthwhile to ask yourself: What are you really so upset & fearful about?
@@loooveismusic8 cuz she's full of b******* she's trying to create drama and put fear into women and young women so she's full of b*******
@@victoriapalmer5146you need some mental health support. Honestly. Your misplaced rage here is quite obvious.
I'm new here and this is good stuff 🤍really good.
👍GREAT