The Problem With Being Too Logical in Love
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- čas přidán 18. 02. 2019
- There's a particular kind of argument that can take place in a relationship when one person starts to be - provocatively - too 'rational' and logical. It sounds like this might be a clever and good move, but excessive logic can constitute a kind of obtuseness all of its own.
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“It seems odd at first to imagine that we might get angry, even maddened, by a partner because they were, in the course of a discussion, proving to be too reasonable and too logical. We are used to thinking highly of reason and logic. We are not normally enemies of evidence and rationality. How then could these ingredients become problematic in the course of love? But from close up, considered with sufficient imagination, our suspicion can make a lot of sense.
When we are in difficulties what we may primarily be seeking from our partners is a sense that they understand what we are going through. We are not looking for answers (the problems may be too large for there to be any obvious ones) so much as comfort, reassurance and fellow-feeling. In the circumstances, the deployment of an overly logical stance may come across not as an act of kindness, but as a species of disguised impatience.”
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My partner is too logical at the times of my emotional pain. And that is one of the most distressing part of our marriage for me...
Thanks, it's good to know that I'm not the only one. Maybe she does not understand ... But if I corrected and do what they suggest maybe there is some change.
Please reconsider the pertinence of that last past of the video in EVERY video. In this one starting at 5:32. It's super mood breaking. :/
You're thinking of acrophobia, not vertigo.
I’m definitely the one who is too logical. I’ve realized this some time ago and I have tried to combat it by trying to think of emotion instead of logic. It’s a struggle, but I am trying. My partner definitely helps me with this process, seeing as they are the emotion thinking one. I think we balance each other out, but it’s definitely something that I am hoping to improve on.
A: "I love you"
B : "Trigonometry"
A : "I want a divorce"
🎵wat do u meeeeaaan🎶🎼
😂
so no head?
Lmaoooo
A:"IS IT POSSIBLE I'VE HURT OR BEEN NEGLECTING YOU?"
“Is it possible that I’ve hurt or been neglecting you?” It’s takes a lot of humility to ask that for some people
this...
Especially who is being emotionally unavailable and hyper logical out of revenge. They may not even realize they are being vengeful.
Midas Nedlog the break up
Woah
Midas Nedlog I’ve been there man, and sadly I didn’t pay attention to the warning signs and let myself get hurt a lot more than I should’ve.
However, you have to decide how much you love yourself. Enough to leave someone you love in search of your own peace? granted they aren’t anywhere near close to allowing you to exist in peace (notice she shouldn’t be bringing you peace, rather letting you exist in your own, with her by your side).
It’s a big decision but you have to decide if you are willing to hurt yourself so much that if you two end, will you even be emotionally available when someone, who will be good for you, comes along?
This is absolutely mind blowing. My ex girlfriend split up with me saying I would belittle their worries and make them feel like their thoughts were unreasonable. We are both scientists, I thought the best approach would be to try and find a logical solution to their problems. So I would explain what I would do in the situation, almost like a scientific argument. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to show I was taking their worry on board, but also trying to be pragmatic when the worry really wasn't rational. PEOPLE ARE VERY COMPLICATED!
And you are people.
So as you and the rest of us
@@bryledaug1115 no some people aren't that primitive
@@astk5214 Bullshit
That's why i only have a girlfriend in Skyrim.
When my gf shares her problem, she already knows how to fix it or the problem is not that big. All she wants is a feeling that I am beside her, no matter what. And, later in life i also realized that sharing my problems with her, even though she doest have a solution made me felt so much better. Her one line "You gonna make it" just dissolves 99% anxiety. And, if there is something we are not able to share directly, we play couple questions game "Lovify". Where we guess each others expectations and understand each other to form more stronger bond 💞
THIS! This is it people, we know solutions, we just don't wanna get over the feeling alone before doing the rough work
Stop telling her your problems bro
@@MrJr0455Why ??, because he’s a man?
Believe, if she leaves you just because you tell her your problems, she isn’t worth dating.
@@DeepWorkFlowState yes exactly and more women are like this then you want to believe…
I feel stupid complaining or telling my problems to my gf. Especially that she mostly can't resolve it. And the "you're gonna make it" expression sounds really bad to me. So I prefer to deal with it alone
I find it helpful to ask my wife when she’s upset “are you wanting a solution or reassurance?” And she’ll often say she just needs a pep talk from me, so I encourage and comfort without trying to rationalize everything. She told me that if she’s worried about something and I try too much logic it feels like I’m trying to prove her wrong. Which is never the intent, but to me it makes sense to explain why there’s no need to worry. It’s something we learned after many fights over misunderstandings.
Thank you so much for saying this, it truly does make a difference in how women can respond.
That's the thing ig. You explain logically cause "you" think there's no need to worry. It's like it's easy to give an advice to someone for a problem, cause you yourself aren't in that problem. So your perspective is limited on the matter.
And as far as relationship goes, I've been with my girlfriend for long enough to just know if she wants an advice or just want me to listen. Vice versa too. So we don't really ask anymore "do you want a solution or reassurance?" cause it's limited in itself. And if i feel like she is still overeacting or overthinking then i just say something like "if i was you or if i was going through that then i would've done this". Then she simply thinks over it for a moment and goes "maybe I'll try that" or "that wouldn't work cause of this and that". And then i realise yeah she is right cause i didn't consider that possibility. Cause I'm not in her position dealing with the problem. So my scope of thinking would be limited. So giving advices/solutions doesn't really work all the time lol.
It's pretty stoopid how people keep screaming about men are logical and women are emotional. Especially regarding relationships. You have to be flexible and adaptable to situations. Cause this is exactly where ego takes birth. Men being dominant in relationship days are long gone. Cause women back then had no choice but to live with their husbands anyway. So you have be balanced now. Sometimes be dominant and initiative and other times let your SO be dominant and initiative. Obviously if it goes wrong then be matured to take responsibility and accountability for your actions lol
@@lolong5976 asking that question certainly doesn’t apply to every worry or situation. Just mostly if I can tell she’s getting frustrated with my responses and I’m recognizing I might be taking it in the wrong direction. Also I’m personally in a lesbian marriage so men play no part in our dynamic lmao 😅
@@oneohsix106 ay yo.... Kinda top 10 plot twist 😂😂. Jokes aside, yeah ig. Whatever works lol. Can't really force a single perspective and approach on all relationships. Depends on the couples and the individuals involved ig.
Let's just hope that we found the love of our life and take efforts for it to maintain it and hope that remaining people find their love of their life they deserve ❤️
♡
*Emotions are not logical.*
*We make emotional decisions and use logic to rationalize them.*
O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me that's untrue since your emotions are your thoughts. You can't feel if you don't think..
Oh and I'm pretty intelligent so trust me
You said it ma man :)
Yeah... no. Hyperemotional snowflakes maybe, but sane, grown up people try their best to avoid doing that on a regular basis. It's called being rational. You should try it sometimes, chances are it will improve your live dramatically.
I actually think emotions are pretty logical. I think it's pretty condescending to approach people conversely; like they're incredibly frustrated, and state the reason for their frustration, and then you respond affectatiously without addressing the source of their frustration: the kind of "you're just on your period" attitude. It's really the passions, or to use a crude shorthand: desires, which are the steersmen of reason.
Sounds logical.
A phrase I love to say is “it’s illogical to assume people always act logically” or “it’s illogical to ignore people’s emotions when trying to predict their behavior” and I always felt the idea was incomplete... Loved this video, finally heard the idea in words and in full, saved and liked
Something I've gotten into the habit of doing in a disagreement is actually saying out loud "I know I'm not being rational or logical but I need you to understand how I feel in this moment" and it usually translates over as "I appreciate you trying to reason with me, but I just need to be heard" and it has honestly prevented a lot of frustration between my friends and I sometimes
@@elyjahkidnot I'm rather a too logical person and i think that being able to say this is really cool, we cannot control everything about ourselves but trying to be aware of it is already pretty good.
@@elyjahkidnotafter reading many comments, I've noticed that this exact thing you write is something that they don't quite get, even if you say it out loud, because they think if you want to be heard and not answers, is just because you want comfort and won't be fixing the issue, when the truth is (at least for me) "this situation is making me feel bad, I know the solution, but right now I just want to get the feeling out, so please be my support if you're in conditions, once I vent I'll get up and do what needs to be done"
Life's that, messy bits. And like memes going around the internet "I can do it, but I'll cry while doing it" because at the end we're sentimental beings, not rocks or robots
Thats a great phrase!! Saved!
It's illogical to hang out with emotionally unstable individuals.
So what do you do if you’re someone who 100% relies on logic and feels a disconnect with emotion overall?
Ask logically help to a doctor becouse someone sane without emotion does not exist
@@Ale-pu5uu There are conditions which disconnect or impare the user from expiriencing emotions. I myself am like that. Once I was bleeding a lot and I smoothly assessed the situation without being stressed or nervous, I covered the wound, called my parents and told them calmly that I had to go to the ambulance. Another time people have died and I have felt no empathy, I couldn't comfort people because I don't understand why would they feel sad, my reasoning was, "why would you be sad if its not you who is suffering?" I was incapable of reasoning with people for they had an inherent instinct, love, happyness, surprise, nervousness, sadness, all of which I was incapable to feel nevertheless I understood how it work. How hormones affect a mood, how embarrassment might work and how it logically makes "sense in situations... Either way I blend in by imitating emotions and such, in a world filled with people who's emotions are like second hand to them. But yeah, still tho, logical thinking is most effective, and nobody can say otherwise.
Go to therapy
If you can, getting a professional diagnosis would be good, and the doctor can advise you on your next step. 100% relying on logic doesn't make you superior or inferior to people who are connected to their emotions, you are just different, and that is okay. Wishing you all the best.
Practice using emotions.
My partner and I are both logical in our day to day life and when we problem solve. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we needed to preface our illogical worries and insecurities with a simple “I just need you to sympathize on this one” and then talking things out with sympathy.
I hope you two last. It's so rare to find people that click nowadays
Hope Lee we’ve been together for 2.5 years, and lived together for a little over 1. He is legitimately my partner in all things. We walk side by side through our own challenges and support one another however we can. We never yell, always calmly discuss how we’re feeling while remembering the facts and reality. It took quite a bit of conscientious work and effort to get to a place where it come naturally but it was worth it to have a partner who just automatically opens their heart and mind up when others would become defensive. I truly believe ALL people are capable of finding a person and creating the same with similar effort. Love is a rental, and the rent is due every day, we pay by caring and trying to improve our partners day. Best of luck to you.
@@mjmsdcs What a sweet, easy to remember analogy. Thx!
mjmsdcs That's a fabulous tip! Thx for the share.
My partner never did that for me, he refused to give sympathy & comfort because he saw it as a weakness since at that moment I was behaving "stupid" or as they had said "illogicial", he is very "logical", we didnt last long, I hope to find a relationship like you guys
Most of the problems in any relationship or merely in friendship arise from the fact that most of the people are just not articulate enough to tell someone their feelings and thoughts at a given unparallel situation, We expect that they would just magically understand our inner ongoing contemporary thought.
This is very true. Communicating our feeling and emotions with the right amount of logic will help us all understand each other better, and therefore live better and more fulfilling lives.
@Tayvon Ysaguirre yes. I'm trying to build courage every single day. It's hard though
That and people are cunts.
@@christinabellerose2290 I honestly don't know that I have been flunking the relationship course recently.
WELL SAID
I think a good balance is nice. Being too logical can lead to the feeling of being misunderstood or our feelings not being heard and so on. However, saying only “it’ll be ok, I’m with you, I understand you” can feel like the partner isn’t interested in our problems and in trying to help. I think we should do both: emotionally comforting the person and giving some logic in support.
Sounds so exhausting, after 8 hours shift
Not a lot else to say, strictly emotionally speaking
That's why, as most things, it depends on the occasion. If there's a spider and I'm scared of it, I don't want someone to explain how it won't bite me and it isn't scary, I'd just like them to hold my hand. On the other hand, if I'm worried I won't be able to finish and assignment I'd like some help, maybe tips to focus or something, instead of encouraging words. But that's me. And if I felt like that's what I need from someone, then I would ask them for it once they ask me about it. Communicating is the only way to know your people's needs (as this applies to any relationship), you can't be guessing nor have your person guessing, you just gotta talk about it
@@starlight8115 sometimes it's tricky to talk about everything and find compromises in each situation, bet I agree that it's important
@@starlight8115 this was a great explanation
One of the best questions I’ve asked over the past few years is, “do you want me to listen or do you want solutions?” This puts my head in the right space as to what the other person needs from me in that situation
Wow good idea!
And then when you say "I want you to listen" it works best if the listener doesnt take that in an overly logical way where they literally just sit quietly with their ears open and not reacting. 😂 my mom does this and it low-key drives me bonkers. ChatGPT can do better than that! Some people need to be taught "active listening" which can be just nodding along and asking questions, or imo, getting into the speakers feelings even if theyre not how you would feel. I feel like this is a classic example that gets underrrated:
Person A "so and so was a jerk!"
Person B "Oh yeah what'd he do?"
A "This this this!" *emotional response*
B *not as bothered because the emotion isn't logical, or they weren't there, EMPATHY ACTIVATES! Now feeling THROUGH the person and ready to mirror their emotion, proving its okay* "oh thats terrible! I'm also upset!"(I like to ham it up appropriately to make them feel sure that emotion is fine with me-but not make it look like Im faking, I can't if I'm truly empathizing)
A *feels safe/sane now and has room to step back and reflect literally because Im acting as a mirror* "...ah maybe it wasnt that bad..." *adds extra details, reframes the feeling*
B *match 2nd feeling* "yeah, that's more reasonable lets look for more evidences..."
And then you cycle down off the cliffs of insanity together! 🎉
Its low-key my favorite model I think it works really well. Granted its a bit more complicated than literally "just listening" (and some people do want just that i guess) but I'm pretty sure its what "listening to problems" is supposed to look like.
Smart question, I like it.
This one definitely hurt. As an engineer and logistician I find it hard not to try to fix people’s problems when they present them. I wish I was more attuned to others emotions and didn’t always act so robotic when it comes to sympathy. I guess it does stem down to my childhood. When I had problems I was never emotionally comforted. I was told what to do and how to fix them. I feel my mind is so black and white and crunching numbers and calculations all day doesn’t help.
"hey look buddy, i'm an engineer, that means i solve problems..."
This is the reason why I tend to make adjustments in the relationship / friendship, as I know he is too logical on his ways. After opening up that I wanted him to communicate why or what contributed to his nature, I came to know that he came from a childhood of less affectionate home same with me. This is similar to me, that is why I know how it feels to be alone without someone truly understanding you, and caring for you or comforting you. I know how it feels to be cold from the world and pretending to care, when you really don't.
From this, I presented myself of showing the person how it feels to be understood and cared for, which is I think he is still processing his emotions in a healthy way. The downside of this is, this person knows I deeply care for him, but is not rushing a relationship he is not comfortable and I understood it as well. This lets me process my emotions and adjustments if ever I could stay up with him in the future, which is uncertain.
What I'm certain about is, I wanted to be there when he is successful, sick, weak or happy. And that is also the same with him. As I wish him the best, he also wants and tries his best to support me which is a win win situation.
With emotions or not, I think he is worth the pain I put myself into. Although it took months or a year to understand this person.
This too, is something that you can be less black and white about. Looking after the emotional well-being of the people you care about is just a different kind of problem, one that has it's own set of tactics and techniques that you can learn and improve on. As an engineer, you are doubtless presented with many kinds of problems that present as one thing on the surface, but require a deeper fix than simply treating the easily observable symptom. You've probably built up an intuition that helps you spot the situations in which the first thing you observe are is trust worthy and you therefore need to dig deeper to uncover a root cause. All this applies to people, too. When someone comes to you with a problem, it rarely hurts to explore what they are feeling before rushing in with solutions. Sometimes this reveals a deeper problem that is the true cause of their distress. Sometimes it gives you better context to help tackle the problem they presented with. Often it turns out that just giving them a forum to say was they feel was all the solution that was needed.
I'm an engineer too and I still get this wrong all the time. But I made a huge step forward when I started trying to look for the reason they presented the problem rather than at the problem itself. I don't feel any more like my skills as an engineer get in the way, I just realised that I was applying them in the wrong direction.
Although you didn't explicitly state this comment was in support of others, I do actually find your comment to be very supportive. I am quite the same as this although I am not an engineer I have always considered my mentality to be similar and am always fond of engineer people the most and assume I will like their character. I often have no idea how to give something other than logic to people to help them and no idea how to self support by doing otherwise too, I can't self soothe because I only apply logic to myself and resist siding with illogic which sometimes mean neglecting emotional content because I convince my self that everything is ok because the logic is in order or getting in order despite mind and body saying otherwise.
Hey Bryce - just you recognising the engineer side to you and the link to your childhood is amazing insight. I think you sound like a lovely lovely person. x
Partner DESTROYS Love with fact and logic
How so? Please elaborate.
@@ajanaya8055 bruh sound effect #2
@@ajanaya8055 You may come off as invalidating to your partner/emotionally unavailable. People often want to feel heard and understood,including you.
Just be AWARE that what works for you may not work for your partner,so either one of you has to adjust or end the incompatible relationship.
Hahaha
Scientists hate him
This came at the right time. I am neurodivergent and my partner is not. I experienced an extreme amount of trauma through every stage of my life, and I had to deal with most all of that alone. As I got older, the only way I could function is looking at the facts from a distance, or else I would get so absorbed in my feelings and lose myself to the point that I couldn’t make good decisions when it mattered. Now whenever my partner gets mad or gets extremely emotional, I don’t know what to say sometimes because I don’t want to get absorbed in his emotions and don’t want to lose myself in my own fear. They’ve accused me of being a robot multiple times when we argue. I just never knew how else to handle myself. This video is so helpful and I am saving it to reference for later. Thank you for putting this out in the world.
I feel as though I'm in a similar situation and I too have been called a robot we are also long distance which is what I think our biggest barrier is at the moment
Neurodivergent lmao
I'm in the same situation, but on the opposite side. My partner isn't neurotypical and it's EXTREMELY hard, because not only does it hurt not to receive emotional support, but it also makes me feel crazy, because I start thinking that I shouldn't be feeling like this because it's illogical. So I don't agree with the person who said "he doesn't deserve you", because it's not about deserving. It's hard for everyone
why are you saving the video for later? What you want to do with the video? When you'll get into argument you will show them video that they should act otherwise? The video is useless, it suggest that the ilogical one should change. But they will never do because they do not listen logical arguments they use feelings. So as I said, this video is useless as is.
The only advantage is the comment section where people from around the world express much better advices tho.
So thank you all people.
@@straaths What.. What is the point of this comment? No really, this comment just feels completely useless, why did you write this?
Maybe you'll change your mind on it. I responded to one of your other comments, so I'm sure you'll see that this comment makes no sense after the fact.
This video really saved my marriage. Before this, I would often just bring out philosophy textbooks whenever me and my wife got in arguments. Now I just say “am I hurting or neglecting you” and it cheers her right up! 😅
Maybe I misunderstamd you comment (was it some kind of joke?) but the video doesn't say what "the rational one" should do, rather says what "the emotional one" should change. So why are you asing that? Shouldn't your wife ask the question?
Did I misunderstood the video?
* misunderstand
* asking
@@straaths Yeah, you misunderstood the video completely. The video does say what the "rational" one should change. It's like, the entire point of the video. The title even says so, why do you think it says "the problems with being to logical"?
The point of the video is that, even if it's logical, people don't want their feelings to feel small and nonsensical. They want someone to comfort them and guide them through it. For example, if you are scared of a spider in your house, you don't want your partner to just sit around and tell you it is harmless and not to worry about it. Even if you know this is true, the spider is making you uncomfortable, and you'd like for someone to understand your feelings and help you.
With all due respect, and I'm not saying you're stupid, but I don't get how you didn't understand the video. It's pretty clear about the point it is trying to make.
@@TheManBehindtheFunny I think it says "problems with being too logical" to show 'sentimental' people that logical people struggle too. I think the point of the video is to show sentimental people that we, logical people, have a problem with them and they can change it.
The video does not say what "rational" one should change. Give me a timestamp or a quote from video. That will help me for sure.
For now you've just stated that I am wrong with no proof or any advice.
Thanks
@@straaths I.. did give you proof. It's the bloody video. I don't need to give you a time stamp. The video title *and* the duration of said video do not math with what you are saying it is about. It takes basic observation to understand that isn't what the video is about.
It looks to me you're twisting the video to fit a narrative the video was never trying to tell, and that maybe you aren't the target audience. The video is for "logical" people. And I don't like to be that guy, but 7 people seemed to be on my side with that one.
But I mean, whatever you'd like. I doubt this mentality you're taking on will get you very far, but it's your choice.
Wow. Okay, so I grew up in a logical family, so as an adult I automatically assume giving someone logic is the best form of support. However this doesn't work when there really isn't an answer to give - and sometimes, people don't need answers. They need silence, to be listened to, understood and appreciated. Logical advice makes me feel safe, but can pressurise my partner. He tells me a problem, I tell him how to fix it, this makes him overwhelemed. He just needs some reassurance and love.
Seems like you figured it out. Good luck 😊. What works for us may not always work for our partner.
Perhaps the answer is that you weren't being logical enough due to the lack of other data or processing power (as in CPU). I don't know the specific situation in your case so I can only make an example and hope that you could understand. Also, side information: I used to be called "to logical". But after sometimes critically and rationally re-assessing my argument, I realized that I have missed other very important information. Failing to put that information into consideration led to the wrong conclusion/advice.
When a person is sad due to X reason, the first thing I have to ask MYSELF is if that person himself/herself is rational enough to reach an answer or not. Not surprisingly, usually, it is a "yes", that person is good enough to find the solution/advice on his own. Therefore, if I give that person the same logical advice or a completely wrong piece of advice (due to the lack of understanding of that person or simply some misinterpretation), I would either end up with "redundant/excessive advice" (I'm useless) or "you don't understand anything" (I'm too distant).
If you are confident that person is able to come up with a solution by himself, perhaps, there is a high chance that he only needs someone to agree with him (depending on personal preferences, an agreement could be "a silent nod" or "silently listening"), back him up or simply cheer him up to give him more courage. Depending on the subject and how witty you are, you can craft a very personal response that matches only that person's preferences. Please note that I do not have any malicious intent to do so except a genuine goal to help him.
Patiently and prudently asking for more information if needed (background information, personal preferences, medical conditions, and other relevant information) without making yourself sound smart or being judgemental is the key.
In conclusion of my personal experience, it is not that you are being too logical. It is because you are NOT LOGICAL enough due to OVERCONFIDENCE. A logical person might do very well in business, education and/or other fields and that could be one of many causes of overconfidence.
The truly logical approach is to not bring logic to bear on a problem it is patently ill-suited for.
You wouldn't drive screws with a hammer and complain that the screws were faulty, so why would you use logic on a problem that calls for emotional reassurance and validation and blame it on the other person when it doesn't work.?
@@halfassedfart I think I understand what you are trying to say but your choice of words makes me slightly confused.
By definition, "logic" is "a particular method of reasoning or argumentation". You can logically arrive with "emotional reassurance" as your action/decision/conclusion. "Logic", by itself, is not an action/decision/conclusion but rather HOW a person arrive at such.
I normally don't explain how I could come up with my action (such as when I logically deem a person is in need of emotional assurance, I would give them a hug, for example, without saying anything). But I try my best to keep track of my reasoning as much as I can because it helps me understand myself better, how my thinking has mature or how much care I would give to a particular person in comparison to a normal friend. Questioning and understanding the logic behind my friends' emotion also give me great insight on how they perceive the world around them, so you choose your actions wisely to make them feel that you are reliable and sensible or simply piss them off on purpose. In my opinion, if I start with understanding myself first, it would make the second step easier which is to understand my relatives and friend. If you can't understand your action, who can?
If you work in customer service, you would be very likely to encounter customers who blame you for their hammer not working properly on a screw! You perhaps have met irrational people like that, too. If they don't even bother to question their own actions, it would be very difficult to give them anything that might satisfy them. You often can't talk logically with them nor you can give them emotional assurance.
If your logic is flawed, depending on how serious it is, you can "accidentally" use a hammer (an action) on a screw (sometimes we get a brain-freeze), or speak something insensitive and insensible. That would undoubtedly bring forth a logical and, perhaps, foreseeable consequences.
Pretty much yeah. In hindsight sometimes people even know what they're supposed to do but that doesn't make it any easier. They just need a fried not advise. I can be straight up Mr. Spoke to people sometimes. Unlike you my family is insane so I find sanity in logic.
I'm very careful of being too logical. Whenever a friend or partner comes to me with issues I make sure I check myself and am being empathetic rather than trying to do what I see as helping by rationalising the situation. What I've learned works best is: be empathetic first, and if they ask for help with a practical solution, offer that.
practically , what does " be empathetic first " is ??
Hh what i wonder as well. Reply pls.
In some cases people get more and more agetated when only you say you understand them and dont offer help and loose them in the worst case just because of this. Certainly in times of need when they are in very much need of your help.
Problem is, they will never ask for help. Or very rarely. And you'll end up being an emotional trashcan, which leads you to explode out of rage someday. When you realize, it's only temporary, it's fine. But when it happens like, every week with the same topic over and over again, you really start to question if the person really is even trying to find a solution, or just using you to let their rage out.
But what if you've been brought up in a family where there was more of this than the empathetic love u are talking about? This makes that person think differently.
If your girlfriend constantly abuses you, then you have every right to hit her back!
I've always tried to abide by the golden rule, "treat others how you wish to be treated." The issue is, then I much rather have my partner work through a problem with me than just give me some sort of emotional support, which in turn leads me to think that others would prefer the same. I still have difficulty understanding that some people don't want a solution, but I'm getting there.
yeah the golden rule doesn't always make sense in relationships with people you care about. i think it's more 'pay attention to people and if you care for them, ask them how you can support them'
im the EXACT same way. i feel like superficial reassurance is worse than superficial logic if the logic at least applies to the situation ?? definitely would not want someone to just be like "you got this love u" if theres some glaring obvious answer only seen with a fresh perspective
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I feel exactly the same.
I have this with my dad a lot. He always wants to “fix” things. I don’t want solutions. I want empathy :(
Your dad isn't your convenient emotion replicator. Go talk to a mirror.
Same! I verbally make myself as clear as possible if i’m just trying to speak about my feelings/ something not that serious, yet my dad can’t wrap his head around it.
He always responds in a logical, or dismissive and negative tone as well which creates a bad atmosphere. His EQ is incredibly low and it’s proof to me the fact that he has no friends (and no interest in making any) or anyone he talks to other than my mom and I
@@_.soymilkbecause guys generally give solutions to problems while women generally want consolation. This isn't a stereotype either. This is a genuine trend that can be seen in everyday life. All my homies ask me for advice in trying times while my girl friends want to be heard
Idk if your dad has low EQ, but he just sounds like he's trying to help you with problems with logic like most men do
@@pootzmagootz that’s facts.
Me: "I can't sleep. I'm afraid of the little kid from the Grudge"
My gf: "you don't have to be afraid, he doesn't exist"
Me: "Is it possible I've hurt or been neglecting you?"
😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣yo got it boi...she's gona leave u🤣🤣🤣
Hahajahajajajajjj
I'm dead. 😂
I actually prefer for someone to be completely logical when I'm emotional rather than being empathized with. It snaps me out of my negativity or fear. Otherwise it gets worse.
YMMV its not entirely one way or another. its merely an explanation to an alternative thought strategy a person may have not considered at that time. I hate when people try to act like they know what I am going through and then belittle it like its just this and do this.....
Same, the emotional response on its own makes me feel more desesperate with my issues. A mix of deconstructring from an outside perspective is extremely precious insight to me. With maybe a recomforting hand on the shoulder/upper back or the hand/wrist.
Hey
This reminds me of that one Office episode where Pam and Michael try to make their own paper company,
yeah i dont really see the issue with this lol
As an overly logical person, this is a very important video for me. I always feel like every problem can be solved simply by thinking about it logically and rationally and then following through.
Humans are so frustrating man
Are you still alive budd?
It all boils down to compassion and being able to comfort someone rather than just giving them solutions.
You can be logical in love.
What if I don't understand how a person feels? What if their feelings don't make sense? What if my own feelings don't make sense?
@@downsjmmyjones101 Then logic and another perspective can help you realize there is no reason to feel that way. You can still comfort someone and sympathize while doing so.
@@SantanaBanana47 How?
I use logic to rationalize and control my emotions when I can. If I feel bad, sometimes instead of letting it just come up, I'll stop the feeling and schedule a time to try to conjure back up the pain later to try to process it and learn its source. Sometimes I just get over it, other times I'll have to feel the emotion very deeply with focus to figure out why I feel this way, and ride the negative emotions until it's over. Logically I try to manage my emotions, while knowing the limits of them because of biology and human nature. Also being in touch with my emotions makes me feel alive and not a hollow shell like i used to be when I'd avoid them. You need to use your mind to analyze and look deep, and in a relationship be able to feel there train of emotion and ride it with them.
Is love logical, anxiety about attractiveness, why be judged so harshly,fears and worries aren't based on logic, based on thoughts of cause and effect, be reasonable about it or be judged, answers feel deflected by rational comments not necessarily based on logic🚩✅💲
school of life is like that friend everyone needs who *always* has spot on advice
Zu Zu school of life is the friend with the good advice no one listens to
@Zu Zu Amen!
Zenyatta
Facts
Haha i agree!
I believe that both 'logical' and 'emotional' individuals need to find a middle ground in their interactions. Often, issues arise due to miscommunication and misunderstanding. Emotional people may frequently adopt a victim mentality. Drawing from my personal experience, particularly from my last relationship that ended a few days ago, I noticed a significant pattern. My girlfriend often kept her emotions to herself and seldom communicated her feelings. She expected me to intuitively understand her needs, as though I possessed some kind of extraordinary perception or mental powers to discern her emotions.
On numerous occasions, I was labeled as being too 'logical,' which, in turn, led to accusations of invalidating her feelings. I earnestly attempted to change this perception. I began proactively asking her what she needed from me or how she preferred us to handle specific situations. However, my efforts seemed to backfire. She reacted angrily to these questions, expressing disbelief at how some people could be so naive in understanding others' emotions.
This recurring pattern became exhausting for me as well. It seemed like a no-win situation: not asking was perceived as insensitivity, yet asking for clarity was met with frustration.
The Vertigo anology changed my entire view on that subject. I always thought "well I gave you a logical solution, if you don't take it, that's your own fault"
Soooooooo after the video I went through the comments and I don't know why but I was actually surprised to find no one that was "too logical" in a relationship said anything. So I'm going to.
First thing, this video applies to all sorts of relationships and not just romantic ones. Being too logical in the sense shown can definitely strain any relationship.
But here's the thing. Some people don't understand they're being too logical. Why do you think they're giving you logical answers? Because that's what they would want in such a situation. They wouldn't want words that to them are pointless. They want to look for ways to solve or get over their issue. The reason you think they are being too logical is because you don't want that. You want comfort over solutions and that is completely fine, it's just that you are different types of people that value different things.
Sometimes this means you're not compatible together, other times some good communication can solve the issue. Simply telling them "hey, I know you want to help but I just want you to be there for me right now. I don't want you to think so much and just be there for me." helps.
How do I know this? I had a strained relationship with many people because I was too logical. Mainly my best friend and my mother. Both of them are very emotional people (this does not mean you get angry or sad fast, it means you value emotional approaches a lot more than logical approaches). I love them to bits and I really wanted to know what I was doing wrong. I didn't realise I was being to logical until my best friend told me.
She told me she didn't like it when I started just coming up with solutions, that she just wanted me to be there and that's what I did. Because she is not me. I want logical solutions but that doesn't mean everyone else does too (in the moment).
Don't blame someone for being "too logical" when you haven't told them otherwise. The same could be said about you being "too emotional". Communication is key guys not everyone is the same type of person.
I wish people would understand this too... I'll also add that sometimes, being too logical is itself an emotional response... To a fear of getting drowned by emotion... Being logical would create the fastest path to solving the issue, which would remove the source of emotional pain... Maybe it's not always like that, but we can grow up believing that's the most reliable way of reassuring ourselves, feeling safe, and coping with negative emotions. No one's a robot. We're all human, even the logical ones.
Thank you. Throughout all the video I was wondering, is he going to talk about a logical person's prespective? I'm a logical person, so I was hoping he'd give that "side of the coin" too, but nah, instead, it was a full focused video about how logical people should understand emotional people, and not once him trying to truly understand the logical side :/
Now, for those reading this who consider themselves emotional, I'm going to extend a bit Kumar's third paragraph because I think it's important ("But here's the thing. Some"... that one).
The key to understanding why we often seem to be impatient or anything else while giving you a solution to a problem you present to us, it's not because we don't care about it, it's because, in most cases, we want to help you solve the problem quickly so that it doesn't persist, we don't want to see you suffer or have issues, so we try point out possible causes and/or give solutions while being as serious as possible so you can overcome that situation, and that's what we usually would like to recieve from someone trying to help us.
As an extra note, I'd say that at the end this is just me presenting a situation, there is obviously logical people out there that are just shit and don't give af about your problems, but have in mind that it's not always the case.
Factsss! I'm not a logical person, but I'm always been misunderstood as being too logical and cold, just because I don't give the emotional response they expect from me. Like I'm not obliged to give them emotional validation. People are too emotional.
People need to read your comment.
This is why many autistic people are constantly being misunderstood. We rather want to hear other people's experiences so we might learn something new from them than "it's gonna be okay."
Most of us suffer due to how little people are in tune with themselves. They are too cognitively dissonant to reason with. But there are moments where we are rather irrational too. I'm autistic and I have moments when I don't want to hear brutal honesty. We feel so intensely, so whenever we feel really horrible, we're trying to come up with solutions that makes us lose less energy that we can use for something else.
As someone who often have her energy drained by the hypocrisy of people who say they care, but in reality doesn't unless they are affected themselves and etc, and also feel touched by the smallest things, there are moments when I wish most people were less emotiónal. Not everything means the way you think it means.
People should try to perceive less, assume less, and listen more closely without putting their words into our mouths all the time. In the end, we're all trying to satisfy our own needs, so we should just be more direct with one another and stop assuming that everyone around you are lying. The fact that lying itself is considered as really normal in a society that claims to care for all people disgusts me so much!
@@ankaplanka something that I've often seen by people who want compassion (I'm usually super rational in approaching things, and this often made me be considered apathetic) is that they don't want to hear a rational response because actively they're not seeking a solution. They just want compassion, and that's good, I mean I also sometimes feel the need for compassion, but in a lot of people this appear to just not making them face the reality, they feel better in the moment, but they will eventually make the same mistake over and over again because maybe finding a solution it's too hard of an action to do so they withdraw in their compassion shell to feel protected and loved, practically making them being stuck in a loop that they can't and don't want to leave.
Sorry for the English if there's any mistake
"...It may just be an act of revenge."
Whoa. I never thought of it that way, but this rings true. I think most of the time, people who respond too logically are just failing to empathize and don't really understand what does and doesn't help. But sometimes, yeah, they're responding that way because they've learned not to even bother trying to empathize.
Yeah. Thats where the brutal tone of voice comes from and the gaslighting because they wanna make you feel small and stupid for how you feel, and ofc you'll feel inadequate because the facts that they throw at you are correct.
For 4:53 - 5:01 idk why they put that under revenge. Like to an extent you're right on not bothering to try to empathize. Because like empathy only goes so far. It isn't gonna fix an issue just feeling sorry for people so the issue persists. And after a while what else can you do but get burned out and feel that empathy route is pointless in the long run? So you use logic. It's not really revenge so much as helplessness really. More of a "well what do you expect me to do here?"
@@crappyaccount I've felt a vengeful vibe behind some people's use of logic over empathetic assurance before. If its not so much "vengeful" though, then it's more like the absolute refusal. And it comes from people who KNOW how to be empathetic. That's why it feels so much like revenge. It also feels like the other person is being arrogant because they feel they're being witty and you're just being ridiculous.
@@apocalypsgoddess1 its perception,it can feel neglectful or seem unrealistic to them when a partner opens their darkest vulnarability(which needs to be reconciled with) and irrational fears but doesn't want a solution will make logical people feel less valued or cheapened because it feels like a pattern of self pity the partner does not need to go through and they also get dragged down as well it is very foreign to people like that and emontional manipulative (as seen in the next video in the playlist):remember its complicated but still a two way street.
@@apocalypsgoddess1 but you also forget that trait falls from the emotional partners lack of understanding and neglect of the logical partner which are manipulative negative actions which have received negative reactions
Moral of the story: be as logical as possible but forgive yourself and other people for being illogical because it's understandable, hence there is a logic to their illogic
Like for example:
Your partner takes all your savings to a casino and loses it all, just because they felt, they had a lucky day, yet it was ilogical decision.
All the years of your hard work are gone. Let's forgive them...What a bullshit moral.
That moral is quite immoral and unfair, don't you think?
It definitely is not easy to forget or forgive everything.
I think they should pay it back, otherwise we agree on stealing, which is objectively bad moral.
@@straaths you are on every comment saying the same shit. if the video pissed you off that much & you think emotions are stupid then why are you here?
@@ashleya2596 Because I can. My mother, unfortunatelly for you, gave birth to me, that's why.
And you've added nothing to the conversation besides that you do not like my shit. So let me ask you the same then:
Why are you here?
@@ashleya2596 and seriously: an advice. I want logical advice on what I may do to solve problems with illogical people (like you possibly?).
So I am listening, gimme your best shot. I am patiently waiting 🙏
@@straaths i like your reply, i am open to different perpective, even if it opposite , because i want to find the objective truth , can you please share your thought about this video, to me i think being rational and logical didn't bad like the video say, being rational isn't mean not having any empathy tho. we use logic, and rational to understand each other better and find the best and sound solution to solve problems and make our lives better
The last 40 seconds of this video hit a little close to home for me. Left my relationship because of a lack of needs being met but truly it was all feeling (and as a logical person it has been hard to grapple with my own feelings) but you put into words something that I truly never thought of. Thank you
True logic understands that emotions, far from being useless, are part of the overall equation.
This is a fallacy. It's called No True Scotsman, or Appeal to Purity...
Also, you may be mixing concepts too.
@@butter9032 A better way to phrase the original comment would be- "Human discourse understands that emotions, just as much as logic, are part of the overall equation."
@@butter9032 idk how the statement implies a fallacy. He is saying that logic should be used with everything you know of into account history, experience and emotion. As opposed to how a "too logical" person is depicted which only takes into account only specific criteria. A true logician would take into account that a person may have irrational feelings and fear.
@@pittyconor2489 As is, OP's comment overgeneralizes logic, setting the criteria for what "true logic" is, discrediting logic that doesn't consider emotions. Logic doesn't always have to consider emotions: appealing to emotion is a fallacy itself. Also, adding that into the definition of logic would likely not be an agreed upon definition, which opens it to this fallacy. Their comment needs more detail, context, or to be reworded (a prior comment did this).
@@pittyconor2489 'A true logician would take into account [...]' - this goes the same way.
@TheBanjoShowOfficial and @mauriciocastillo7302 did great on further elaborating ❤️
You'll lose your mind trying to make sense of love. Don't try it. Just enjoy the ride.
Your Favorite Lifecoach But I heard somewhere that the unexamined life is not worth living
That's a horrible advice I've ever heard. That's like saying, 'sure there are busy traffic, but you can cross the street without looking both ways; you'll be fine!"
Aj Anaya but the risk in love isn’t death necessarily, it’s heartbreak, which anybody can learn from. heartbreak’s an important part of the human experience
you compare getting hit by a truck and dying to a little heartbreak?
What if you're in love with a sociopath? Love isn't logical
What is important, is to develop a reflex of asking ourselves, or our partner, "do you need me to listen and be here, or do you need me to help you find a solution". Both stem from good intentions, but one usually is wrong in the context. Context is everything, and honestly, asking is always better than giving love the wrong way in a bad situation
recently I had a talk with my s.o., when he was particularly sad and he told me that reassurance helps more than possible practical answers to someone's distress. He literally gave me lessons on how to comfort him and others. I am so glad he is so patient with me and I never realized how i probably made a lot of people feel until this episode, thank you.
"Heaven help a man who is in love."
- Rudyard Kipling.
Does heaven help a man fall in love?? I'm too desperate
@@sebastianelytron8450 You accompany me :)
Why doesn't heaven help in exam Hall?
Where it is much more needed
Totally distorted what the man said. Shame
An might all society help all women who love too much.
Being logical is good for solving problems in relationship instead of arguing like children but emotion important as well or you may hurt your partner's feeling when logic isn't what she or he needs, Must be balance.
Agree
yeeees
Then the person that needs the emotional conversation has a responsibility of communicating that to their partner.
@@nephiilim Assuming they can, and aren't dealing with something like depression where any little thing will make them want to hurt themselves.
@@KRYMauL they only said it’s their responsibility it’s also a psychological burden to have to read others minds. I find it best however to ask people “I noticed it seemed like you were going through something, is their any way I can support you?” as a way to encourage informative conversation.
This is so true. Sometimes people who rely on logic a lot can come off as dismissive and diminishing when it comes to people's emotions. There are times when a solution isn't required, they just need someone to hear them out and even rant to. There are times when people just need someone to lean on.
I just got into a new relationship that i care about and this came right in time to help not make this mistake. Cheers to you guys!
I made the mistake of being too logical with my X. We broke apart from many reasons, I think it was necessary. I still feel hurt and somewhat apologetic for not treating her better. If you know she has anxiety, reasoning isn't going to help.
Not growing up with a father I had no guidance as a child. What changed my life I started researching googling everything I had an issue with. A big part of my emotional troubles came from feeling oppressed. Anytime my ex had an issue I'll try to provide her with the most options as possible. It's what I wanted most when I was in her situation.
Now that we're broken up, all I want is emotional support. I see what that meant to her.
This is somewhat the reason why I broke up with my guy. He would just feel overwhelmed and avoid it whenever I would have emotional breakdown things which is sometimes beyond our control . He was being too rational about everything and I would in the end feel not understood .
Update 2023 Dec :
Lol coming back to this comment made me nostalgic in a good way I can’t even remember anymore what was i feeling at that time although it was a heartbreak but the pain is no more. The break up was a blessing in disguise for both of us especially me to grow more as a person and introspect more about myself. I’m in a stable relationship now with someone who actually listens . I think at the end of the day communication with compassion matters . All u really need to do is make the person feel they are being heard . Emotional support can really help in growth journey with the right person.
Our situation is very very similiar. I too am looking back in regret often. But now after many months I know, that only the breakup got me into such a state as to examine my past and my family history thoroughly so that I could understand myself. The best thing as a result of this was that I could forgive myself and feel huge amounts of gratitude directed at my realtionship and Ex. I am now the best version of myself that ever existed and still learning. It gets better gradually even though the more I learn about feelings and partnership the more I miss having someone by my side. But I know, I am on my way to a much better place with the family and love I deserve and yearned for my whole life.
@@christophhofer176 I’m exactly the same as you bro very similar I’m only going up from here with God now down we’ll be alright
Of course you gotta be logical with your X you gotta find the equation's solution bro!
@@duskleh4722 equation's solution?
is this a horrible joke? XD
It’s hard to think with feelings.
Well rounded,well adjusted people are capable of both. Humans are feeling and thinking beings.
Happy people tend to have a balance of both. Unhappy people tend to either be emotionally unstable or logical and unbending.
Maybe it's more like we should think about our feelings
Personally I am trying to be more compassionate, however I could only make connection between the emotion and the event but not sympathise very well with other’s feelings.
The emotion output from other people to me often doesn’t make much sense, in terms of the how the feelings actually came about and why couldn’t they resolve emotion the same way as I do.
It’s quite a trivia to me. Heh
But sometimes I do have that sudden moment of comprehension, like an eureka moment and then fell back to “But why?” lol
@@gwyn. If I understood well maybe you should develop your empathy.
You have to understand that the reality you live in isn't the same as other people. That's why a solution might work for you but maybe not for someone else.
People have different experiences and genes. Someone who's raised in an abusive environment won't be in the same reality in their head as someone who was in a healthier environment.
You might think the solution is simple for someone else, because it would be clear in your head if you had that probem, but maybe it's not that simple.
Emotions aren't logic.
@@thisisntallowed9560
I do agree and understood that emotions aren't logic that everyone has a different perspective and experiences.
I definitely would need some empathy as you mentioned.
(Not just you, many others had told me the same thing before.)
I don't really think it's a problem for me, but it is for the people of my surroundings. Which is the reason of why I wanted to know more about these kind of stuff. I suppose people who do empathize easily, it just comes naturally and automatic? I've learned this from observing. But to me it feels fake and even strange? And the emotional fluctuation for me is rare and somewhat... flat? Imagine an ECG diagram that only goes up when I saw something funny majority of the time. Other than that, it doesn't do much.
For example, 2 years ago my friends and I saw a puppy that was running around on a road of a nearby industrial zone and it got ran over by a truck... Tragic indeed, but at that moment I didn't flinch at all, my friends were all shocked and some teared. My afterthought was: I am supposed to feel like them, but I don't? And it is this event made me want to know why I am this way. It puzzles me a lot, which led me to research on these emotional & social stuff.
I have a friend who’s very logical when it comes to problems. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but I understand that for some people, it can come off as straining because it feels like you’re being told what to do instead of being comforted. As for me, I realized that his “logic” is what I needed. Though, I would admit that sometimes it hurt when I just wanted comfort haha. But anyhow, I’m trying to be less emotional so he’s definitely helping me in that aspect.
I'm going through a really rough time and these videos are helping immensely.
Thank you 🥲
This is a problem for me. Logic reduces my anxiety and makes me calmer. There are times when logic can't fully calm me down, as I am human, but it does blunt the effect my emotions would have on me. I've always understood that this is a bit abnormal, but it's a more efficient way to live. I don't rationalize my happy thoughts because that would blunt their effect on me, so I leave them be. It's made me into a very positive person, but now I can't empathize with negative emotions. I tried to fake it, but it was never convincing. I usually just end up wanting to avoid that person...even if it's my girlfriend, friend or family member. I've found it's best to be upfront about this. If anyone comes up to me depressed I immediately suggest doing something enjoyable together. If they say no I apologize and tell them that I can't help them.
You sound like an avoidantly attached person. You might wanna look it up. It can hinder your emotional availability in relationships and interfere with the quality of intimacy in your relationship. I would work on that, suppressing your negative emotions will backfire... remember what Freud said about suppressed emotions?
@@sanctusignis9746 I've seen this idea before and I thought it fit me pretty well in some parts and not in others. The avoidantly attached end up in codependent relationships where they need the other person and to keep them they avoid any conflict and suppress their feelings to do this. I do suppress my emotions, but I have many outlets where I can express them in a safe and controlled environment. I draw, lift weights, jog, play video games, etc to let out my aggression.I also don't so much get attached to the person I'm dating, quite the opposite. I put a barrier around myself in relationships and it's absolutely to avoid being hurt. Being hurt slows my forward motion in life as I'm forced to deal with the unnecessary stress that comes with it. As I said before I'm only human. Loving and losing is a pain I can't suppress. So I eliminate the possibility. The girlfriends I have dont mind until we've dated for a while. They complain about it and then one of us breaks it off. That tends to be the way it goes. I'm fine with it for now but after my career has taken off and I'm stable I do want a family. Currently I'm worried more about what's directly in front of me.
@@umejiaku6 It is something that you will have to overcome if you ever want a healthy happy relationship. Have you considered therapy to find the root cause?
Personally, I attracted alot of assholes and kept complaining n whining until I went to therapy BC the last relationship was extremely abusive mentally and emotionally.
I discovered that it was ME, I let things move fast before getting to know a man,then I tried to change them once in the relationship BC that dynamic was familiar. I also did not have healthy boundaries.
I was not loved in a healthy way growing up so I picked similar men to repeat the same dynamics with. Once I worked on that, I don't have that problem anymore,I don't pick bad boys n try to fix them. I see red flags n I peace out.
You are likely afraid of intimacy,not BC you don't want it or crave it,but BC you are afraid of being vulnerable.
In therapy you will learn why YOU are the way you are, you will learn healthy boundaries so you pick healthy women who won't hurt you and make your intimacy fears worse.
You cannot have real intimacy without vulnerability. Your partner will sense the emotional distabce,and you will also miss out on alot.
Vulnerability is talking about your feelings as they arise,if there's a need you want met and your partner is unaware,communicate it, if something they did unintentionally or on purpose hurt you,communicate it.
If they dismiss/disregard,then you picked the wrong partner,again...therapy will help you sort out what kind of partner is suited to you, red flags to look out for that YOU may miss BC of your intimacy fears blindspot.
Try it,it's awesome,eye opening. It's like watching the school of Life,but in depth and personal, custom made for you.
PS_ intimacy issues are rooted in your childhood,then reinforced by previous partners you picked based on your childhood wiring. It's all very interesting. Go dive into your psyche with a professional
Good luck.
@@sanctusignis9746 I'll take this into consideration. Thank you.
@@umejiaku6 Been there done that. Happy to help. Yay! School of Life!
Ben Shapiro to his wife: FACTS DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
I feel sorry for any woman he comes in contact with.
@Niconoclastic Neoc There's toxicity on both sides. That's what comes from extremism.
"My wife's... you're a doctor!"
Don't know about the context it was said. His wife is a living being. Facts don't need to be known by any living thing to be factual. Life... is a miracle. Facts... are solid like rocks.
Perhaps his wife has better emotional stability and don't get offended by silly things and got appreciation for him as a person.
I think this video truly captures that we don't need logic instead of reassurance, we just want to be understood instead of told that what we think is a problem shouldn't be the case
im too logical in my relationship and its killing us. i dont know what to do anymore im so lost. these videos have helped put how i’ve been feeling, into words & honestly thank you so much.
I feel guilty and lonely at the same time sometimes after being mad at my partner who is always logical and tries to reason with me while I only wanted some comfort instead of solutions. This video is so spot on.
I have the same situation today
If you don't tell your partner exactly "I only wanted some comfort instead of solutions" then you are in the wrong. If they continue, that's their inability to meet your needs. But first and foremost you need to make it clear what the issue is.
okay, and do you do what they suggested in 5:13 ?
Because I am at the opposite end and the video does not give 'rational ones' any advice. Only 'emotional ones' got one. And it frustrates me so much. I feel so angry, yet I do not know what to do.
Saying "everything will be fine" when it wont be fine without effor does not seem as an option which will make things better.
Help! , I guess...
@@straathsfor real I have a gf rn and I deal with this exact thing. She's got a problem that she may be dealing with (they're typically things that have been continuous issues) and I try to give her advice or solutions that ik for a fact will help but I can sometimes times see that she's listening but not really "listening" so a week or 2 later she's still going through the same problem or does something completely opposite and runs into another problem. Then in an attempt to not come off as pushy or controlling after pretty much a "well I told you so" kinda moment, I then move towards the passive "it's all good, ik it'll get better, you got this" style. Then she runs into the same issues again, so I just never know how the hell I'm supposed to go about this. Its like you either risk pushing people away by being logical but actually trying to be helpful. Or you can basically just tell them comforting nothings and risk them still failing as well as still being ignorant to their problems.
@@soracool1234At that point, it’s on them for not taking your advice to heart. You gave them the emotional support they required, so now it’s on them to use it to improve themselves.
Don't let this make you overlook that true compassion involves considering how you can actually help someone and what would be best for them. There is a time to sympathize with people, but there is a time to give them advice, or point out something that can help them. We're called to better our partners, not just make them feel good. Obviously too much "pointing things out that they can do to improve a situation" can lead to resentment, and sympathy is very important in a relationship. That's why it's all about balance and knowing what the situation calls for. Sometimes your partner can even help you by saying that all they need right now is emotional support.
Exactly!
Agree, I would prefer understanding, compassion - instead of coddling or wallowing. My ideal relationships (of any kind) are ones where everyone helps one another to move forward. Which entails acknowledging the emotional pain, so you can let it go.
In the example of her pulling something heavy, I know it was just a visual representation but patting her on the back and saying "you got this" instead of picking up the slack and helping her, just seems rude and unempathetic
I've felt this with friends and parents. That's kinda why I've always understood it. Usually you already know the solution to your problem. You just need comfort while dealing with it.
I am incapable of experiencing empathy towards someone else and its fucking up my social life so this kind of videos really help me to understand how would an empathetic person act in different situations and sort of imitate it
I usually am the logical lover. Thanks for letting me see the other side of the barricade, it was helpful.
"Truth without compassion is cruelty." Antero Alli
"You are a pussy if you can't handle the hard truth."
-Jorge Washingmachine
Thank you for reminding me of this. When someone opens up to me, I want them to feel like I am taking in what they're saying and feeling it with them
Man It’s Crazy THIS Video pops up after a few weeks ago I went through a breakup. This video is exactly what I needed to hear. I really neglected my girlfriend and her feelings, I really made her feel more alone and misunderstood. I wish I saw this sooner, I still have a lot of questions, but this video is really informative and actually helpful. Thank you
thanks i will break up with my partner now
Goodluck
👍🏾🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe you should have a talk before about this, but you probably know what to do you're the one in the relashionship
Did you??
iCarly czcams.com/video/VPXIzJcfAMk/video.html
Thank you for making this video. I did this mistake a lot with my boyfriend, I was always too logical, I genuinely thought it would be the best way to help him get over his troubles. Turns out I was being totally unhelpful and frustrating. Luckily, he made me realize that and I started having 'enough hearts' rather than 'enough brains' in the matters of love, and we've been doing much better ever since. I don't blame myself for being logical, it's part of who I am, but I do regret it (as illogical as that sounds) and I'm trying hard to not committ that mistake again. He's proud of me for it, which brought me more happiness than any logical speech has ever given me.
Hope you both are doing well!
There's always two sides of being too logical or too emotional. I see things in a logical way, and sometimes I talk about how things people fear makes no sense to fear about, but thats also because emotions can turn a person stupid.
The more emotional and less logical a person is, the more they believe others, believe lies and contradictions. I've been in a relationship with a person and it infuriated me whenever somebody lied to him and he believed it instead of stopping and asking himself *how* it could make sense.
Before I was diagnosed with High Spectrum ASD, I struggle with my emotional intelligence and I didn’t know my logical mind would offend others. Thanks to resources that is out there and being self aware of my condition, I was able to improve my people skills and emotional intelligence. I am definitely blessed with the knowledge and resources out there.
I remember that from at least 3 years ago, I still had this inability to be considerate enough to sympathize with people who express a behavior not in line with what I thought of as "rational", and that really cost my relationships. Not only the phobias mentioned in the video, but also "irrational" positive reactions, such as my confusion at friends who fangirl over celebrities, because god forbid my line of thought, "Why venerate them? They're people just like us."
I mean, you weren't wrong.
I find it's far easier to just humor them and tell them what they want to hear and pretend to understand it because asking any questions or trying to offer solutions because you will usually be perceived as uncaring and unsupportive.
What did you do to get over that though? Like unironically, celebrities are just people, and it's hard not to see anyone who venerates them to death like irrational, someone who doesn't even question the passion they've put for this unknown person. Yet I don't want to think less of and belittle in my mind these people I care about, so I'd like to get over that.
Step 1 : Don’t fall in love done 😏
stoic approach
Brilliant
step 0 : No need to be lovable [checked]
My Girlfriend and I have a lot of arguments lately and I always wondered why, since we are still deeply in love and nothing really changed. I spent hours thinking about it and we sat down very often to talk about it but I never really understood the problem. She always said she feels like Im talking down on her and dont take her concerns seriously while was shocked to hear that because I always but a lot of effort in my responses to her problems. After we talked about it I tried even harder and searched for the perfect logical explanation but it made it even worse than before. Now I finally realise that THIS was the problem, thank you so much!
I came here out of pure coincidence stemming from my partner arguing that I’m always too logical, I left with a community of people that experience the same thing, that being “logical” jus t makes sense. You’ve given me hope
Someone I’m seeing is too logical. Sometimes it brings me back down to earth but other times, I just feel completely irritated because i don’t *need* logic, i need empathy. Idk how 2 deal with it lol this is all new to me
Incompatible maybe?
Maybe you can let them know? I mean I was brought up with the idea that logic is the only thing that matters and people frustrate me at times. A relative saw this and told me “Just because you’re correct doesn’t mean you’re right”. I didn’t get it then, but I do now. Go easy on them though, for my sake
Awuondo L. True. Can’t always be fun forever
Rel0ading Again good advice coming from the other side of things.. thank you
Explain it to them. Tell them how it makes you feel. It’s hard a hard thing to talk about, but maybe they don’t know they’re hurting you.
Oddly enough, I feel far more comforted when given logical reasoning when I'm scared or upset than if someone lets me know they understand and that I'll be okay. Maybe it's because everything in my head is based on fear at that moment, a completely fluid slippery thing I can't hold onto, while that facts give me a solid rock to cling to and helps me remember that there are real things I can count on to make this problem less of a monster than my frightened mind makes it out to be.
Being given sympathy and love without logic is instead what makes me feel like I'm being seen as a child who can't understand reality and so isn't worth being given the facts. I hate the feeling that I'm being sheltered from the truth that could ground me and make me stronger, just because I might on some off chance be too unstable to hear it.
And if I already know the facts I'm being told, it's not like they're saying that I know nothing. They're reminding me and confirming what I know, bringing the truth to the forefront rather than leaving it buried somewhere deeper in my mind where I'm not focusing on it, just wallowing in my fear and sadness unproductively. I appreciate the push to logical thinking.
Were your parents supportive of emotional problems or have they just told you that you're a child if you cry because this and that, for example
@@hindenburg1596 My parents weren't (one is now dead, the other no contact) in favour of any sort of logical comfort, but they weren't great at emotional support either, both being abusive people. They'd always shoot down logic in any situation and prefer emotional responses, but even then it had to be on their terms.
I think this is part of the reason I grew up needing solid facts to make me feel better-because people outside my household could try to make me feel loved and safe all they wanted, but in the end the fact was I would always return to the same abusive place I feared. Hence purely emotional loving comfort was hollow to me, as it did nothing to make the real situation I was constantly aware of any easier.
So it began to feel better only when people offered comfort in the form of facts, for example "You can control who you are to others even if they want to take that away," "Your parents' behavior doesn't reflect who you are," or "You'll be able to leave as an adult." It gave me something real to hold onto, a light at the end of my tunnel, and the fact that some people in my life learned to offer that form of comfort is the only reason I'm still alive today, far away from my parents.
Crying is great, and I enjoy the emotional release it grants me, but when I'm truly in despair, the facts get me through and remind me that if I just hold on a little longer, put one foot in front of the other, I will again reach better times.
I agree completely, words such as "everything will be okay. Don't worry" feel unsympathetic and pointless, and give me no reassurance
You've perfectly worded my train of thoughts, thank you❤
So true.
The discrepancy between logical order and mental discomfort reminds us that our souls do not rely on outside circumstances but rather on our mental wellbeing
"we are not normally of evidence and rationality" that got me. Cuz from my point of view most ppl avoid evidence and rationality and prefere to live up to their believes.
ok I feel personally attacked
You, ma'am, are a snowflake
Sebastian Elytron I wasn’t being serious...
Inhedonia Hrtz or you know she could just take part in a conversation that was directed at her
@@sebastianelytron8450 whoosh
Badummm tishhhh
Emotions are the logic of our biological past. Furthermore a completely logical person understands when to communicate with pathos as opposed to logos. This video is about a partner not being logical enough.
robots are better
totally. and this channels spreading wildly misleading opinions everyday. because they know people will like to hear it?? @@
lol they literally talked about this exact thing towards the end of the video, better keep watching...
Duude don’t get me started on this topic. In my last relationship man, she would rather wallow in self-pity than solve her problems. She kept imploring that I do as this video suggests, but all it did was enable her weakness. Really, I know it sounds harsh, but I don’t have much respect for someone who refuses to take a broader perspective on their problems; it’s self- defeating.
Clearly one should find balance- and use each approach at the right time. But shouldn’t we strive toward the logical approach? Shouldn’t we try to tilt towards problem solving or a wiser perspective, instead of ruminating on our worries and limitations?
@@LAXLEBEAR Short answer is: no, we shouldn't. Our emotional life is the 'truth' of who we are in any given moment. Rejecting someones feelings by using logic severs your connection and leaves the other person alone. She is quite capable of solving her problems. Recognising her feelings and validating her, even when you don't agree will assist her in moving past her feelings, back to her more grounded self, where she can solve her issue, perhaps with your help. Connecting with someone emotionally isn't enabling them. And feeling weak isn't a weakness, it's part of being human.
funny thing is that with enough logic you reach the point where you can actually understand why people feel x and instead saying no telling them its xyz or reassuring them because you know that what matters in this case isnt objective truth but stability and emotion
This is an important topic to explore. I have been trying to practice active listening when my friends and family are having a bad day, and restraining myself from trying to offer solutions that were not asked for early in the conversation. Some people will feel more loved if you just hold off on trying to reason for a second, and feel the emotion with them. There will be time to make a rational game plan when they are calm. It takes patience to do and there is no way to do it perfectly. Relationships are complicated and dynamic, there is always more to do and learn
Oh my, this is exactly what I've been trying to convey to my friend! You have really done a great job by putting those subtle and intricacies of the mind-emotion equation. Thanks a lot.
Vertigo is a medical condition not a fear of heights - that's Acrophobia!
kateellenberry hey stop being logical
Noticed it too lol
Maybe a symptom of the fear. I get dizzy when I’m up somewhere high
Lol
"Vertigo is the feeling that you're moving when you're not. Or it might feel like things around you are moving when they aren't. Vertigo can feel similar to motion sickness. People experiencing vertigo generally describe the sensation as ‘feeling dizzy’ or feeling as if the room is spinning." The video is "correct." Vertigo, or height vertigo, to be more precise, is an effect that people with acrophobia suffer from.
When I find myself talking to someone that's dealing with a lot of emotional stress or a severe situation, I usually tend to ask if they're seeking comfort or if they'd like any solutions to what they're talking to me about. I'm not unfamiliar with helping those close to me in crisis, or on the verge of taking their own life, so finding the correct approach to talk someone down, quickly, is absolutely paramount for saving their life.
This is so true, it also happens with friendships.
You guys just described my last relationship in its entirety. Including the logic for revenge sake. That's a bit down right scary. Ive since learned and could have used this video back in the day, but wow...
does that mean you didn't communicate to your partner about what you where feeling so that your partner could not understand why you do the things you do. There was probably a logical explanation why you act in a way that seems to be rational but you failed to explain your reasoning and that leaves your partner to think that you are irrational. So when your partner tried to explain to you what the partner was thinking about your situation, the partner tried to understand why you did what you did. But ofcouse the partner could not read your mind so you where disconnected on reasoning behind what you did. You did it because of this but your partner thinks you did it because of that. No communication skills and the lack of willingness of understanding each other led you to a patch of miscommunication. Just saying, the logic of your partner nether you actions are the reason you broke up.
The approach of using an obtuse and arbitrary form of "logic" to avoid fulfilling emotional needs is an insanely passive-aggressive and unproductive way of dealing with issues. It's great that you've tumbled to these problems.
The truly logical approach is to not bring logic to bear on a problem it is patently ill-suited for. You wouldn't drive screws with a hammer and complain that the screws were faulty, so why would you use logic on a problem that calls for emotional reassurance and validation and blame it on the other person when it doesn't work?
@@IAMDIMITRI actually i was the overly logical one. But yeah pretty much.
@@halfassedfart i wouldn't say it was avoid things. But great analogy!
halfassedfart great point and your name made me chuckle
I certainly agree with this. Being logical is not bad but there are times that as a human being, we need and prefer the word EMPATHY.
Thanks for adding examples in video it really helps to understand the topic. 😊
I had to watch this video quite a few times cause i keep zoning out whenever technical English words are used and your voice is too good to not fall asleep to (English is not my first language)
That part of "revenge" touched me, because I have been unconsciously doing that, exactly because when I showed love my partner was coldhearted towards me. Now tables turned...
Moral of the story, find someone who understand and appreciate logic.
A robot perhaps?
@@adlofheltirchiefadvisortot40 I agree. It's like they want you to replay irrational behavior patterns on subliminal commands and get angry if we don't act the way they expected. Are there Females out there, who experienced the same?
@@adlofheltirchiefadvisortot40 Oh dear.
Exactly
@@nihilisticmonkeydancing9806 i am a chick who is the more logical one, and it does get frustrating not being able to do anything when the other person is emotional
This content is so good and accesible that I'm afriad that it hasn't been available during the whole human history until now.
@theschooloflifetv - You do a great job. Thank you!
I think it’s also important to speak up rather than just getting mad, too.
In my first (and latest) relationship I was doing this mix of being sympathetic while also trying to be logical in hopes of getting rid of the problem, because this is what personally helps me the most. Unfortunately my ex didn’t want that, but they didn’t say it for the longest time and I always wondered what I was doing wrong.
The same goes for me as well of course, I should have asked instead of doing the same but trying to somehow do it “better”
Thank you for this. I have mild autism and the approach I've always done is to use research and logic to help those loved ones who have troubled emotions. It didn't dawn on me that I have appeared to be looking down on them and their predicament. Thank you, thank you very much.
I was the super logical one in my previous relationship, never again. There's always a time and a place.
I love this video
This is so relatable to me in my relationship, now I've trying to keep my mouth shut better than say "logically"
Why does School of Life always have such good timing?
It’s not School of Life that has good timing, it’s the CZcams algorithm
@@manaloola2018 not at all.. if only this video showed up for me a year ago haha.. if only i had seen this video a year ago, i wouldn't have broken up with my ex boyfriend. i kept accusing him for not loving me but now ik he was just too logical in love and he probably would have learnt or reflected by this video. desvastating..
I usually avoid love for some reason so I always feel too logical. I think, in a relationship, I would be too unemotional and also be very distant from my partner. I think they would feel unhappy with me because I don’t show affection. So because of that, I’ve never been in a relationship.
The same! I feel like I had to find someone like me in order to have a relationship, which means more logical and less emotional than average. But it feels like most people are just very emotional, especially around relationship. I also feel like I would be a poor parent because of this. Not having a relationship or children is probably the best thing I could do.
@@Kotifilosofi im sure this can be fixed, I understood that when I got into a relationship. I was always like a calm robot(even my friends told me that) until I met this girl. She was way too emotional so we broke up, but now I need some girl to hug and give emotions
@@maciej__kw I don't think I wanted to change a major part of myself just to get into a relationship. I don't feel like broken, just fundamentally different that the vast majority of people. Just the idea of cuddling makes me a bit irritated, so I think it would be unfair both for me and the partner to push myself into what's excepted from a normal relationship.
~ This said, I've recently realized I'm aro/ace, so I don't actually even dream about romantic/sexual relationship. But it would still be nice to live with someone you had strong bound with... but yea, I think those types of relationships aren't that easy to find.
Same iam crying now cause now i know, i was the problem . Im too logical and unemotional.. he said it always to me but i thought he is just lieing at the end we broke up
@Emanuelle do Nascimento oh, cool someone relates to how I feel 😁 If you didn't notice my second reply, I now know I'm aromantic asexual, which I feel explains a lot of me being different in regards of dating/relationships. Basically I wish I could have a very close friend as my partner/room mate. No sex, no romantic cuddling, just spending great time and planning the future with someone you're platonically strongly attached to. But as it's probably nearly impossible to find someone who wants to priorize a relationship like that in their lives... I'm preparing to live forever alone 🙃
one of the biggest lessons i learned, one of the things i’m going to teach my son for sure
It's very, very important to know that at the heart of so many problems is simply a lack of love or support. It's a very primal need to want a kind hello, and arm around the shoulder, and to feel seen, and heard. Just basic 'you're in the tribe' stuff. It's totally logical to recognize that need in yourself and others. Sometimes when people get that, solutions start to present themselves naturally.
Thank you so much for this educational and priceless video! It is comforting when TSOL eloquently gives words to feelings. Very eye opening!
Why is he always connect EVERYTHING to childhood!!
it tends to shape just about everything. but your parents can be very supportive and something else can still mess you up
Because the earliest patterns that get imprinted on you are the ones you'll continue to carry for the rest of your life, until you or circumstances conspire to change said patterns.
Because he's still into that Freudian scam called psychoanalysis
bcs everything is connected, sir.
I know right, makes me want to sue my parents twice
one for bringing me in this miserable world without my consent, and two by worsening the experience by a magnitude order with their godawful toxic parenting
best video and best ideological phrasing ive ever heard..
i don't how these videos find me, but I am grateful they have
the entire video could be summed up with 2 words emotional intelligence.
sadly some well intentioned some people have none. even if they subconsciously expect it of others
Spot on!
@@albatross7327 Emotional intelligence is not something that is encouraged in today's society, people aren't in touch with their feelings. That's why they love emotional people.
Emotional intelligence also includes emotional control, which your partner is lacking if they approach virtually any situation emotionally.
@@michaelharder9737 I think it's more like people chose on either following their emotions or following their mind.
Also emotional control should be defined, the obvious thing is that we shouldn't supress our emotions, but it seems like in order to follow our mind we need to supress them, or avoid them for a moment.
People do not know how to communicate what they actually need and unconsciously try to get their needs met in roundabout ways often misunderstood by others
This guy gets it.
Wow, that's a lot of misspelling in the phrase "Humans are morons" =)
This was incredible! I've always loved that song, and this was a great tribute!