Should You Be Friends With Your Ex?
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- čas přidán 5. 06. 2024
- Would you care if your partner was friends with their ex?
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Y'all my ex stayed with me in the hospital when I recovered from surgery like a week after we broke up. If no one did anything hurtful to the other person, there's really no point in discarding an entire human being from your life. It's even weird that we think of "just friends" like a downgrade from a romantic relationship! It's just a different way that this person gets to add to your life now
exactly how i feel! it’s strange to think the whole person has to be thrown away just bc it didn’t work out romantically. there was love & care there. that counts for something i think
yes!!
Ick
One of my favorite parts of "The Ethical Slut" is in the chapter abour exes and it says something along the lines of how a genuine friendship with an ex (i.e. no ulterior motives) is one of the purest types of friendships with the most potential for long-term positive impact, because it's a friendship where you're both drawn to each other AND have seen each other not-at-your-best. It's a friendship where you can't really pretend to be someone you're not and where no one has any reason to keep stuff from the other person, so if you're able to move past breakup-related feelings, it truly is a type of friendship with the potential to make your life better.
On a separate note, I invited my ex I'm friends with to my wedding, and all the aunties and heterosexuals GAGGED and LIVED. They had drama served on a platter, we were all in on it, and no one was excluded from the fun.
@@frangg23i love that for u, my family would be absolutely SCANDALIZED
I'm queer and I prefer cutting people off after a relationship ends. It's better for me and that's just how my brain works in terms of boundaries. I keep in touch with a couple of exes but it's more in group situations with other friends. In those cases, they are actually acquaintances. I know a lot of queer people have more blurry boundaries with exes and friends though. I get it, the community is small.
I completely agree with Allison about intentions. It's really disrespectful to yourself, the ex, and to future partners to keep someone around if you still want to be with them. Even if you're not sure about them. You need to be honest with yourself and ensure you're not emotionally connected to the person in a romantic way, especially if you're seeking serious relationships with others.
as a Queer™ myself, i definitely have usually stayed friends with the people i’ve dated/‘talked to’ & i think you’re right that it ONLY works if you both have the same intentions & feelings. being on both sides of the whole ‘one of us still likes the other while the other is perfectly chill being platonic’, it just never works. but when you’re on the same page, they can end up being the best friends i’ve ever had.
you're still platonic regardless if the other person has feelings or not that's not platonic and I think people get that confused with that alot what that is is romantic feelings with non romantic feelings
I think you can totally be friends with an ex but it’s only possible in certain relationships. I dated someone for years and we didn’t work at all romantically but work super well as friends.
But if everyone followed Allison's advice, we'd have a lot fewer nineties sitcoms.
"your go-to source for cleaning the bathtub" - long-time viewer and I could not agree more, y'all have been my go-to source through it all !!! big love xx
honestly I watch a lot of these videos while cleaning so it’s not even inaccurate.
i love that as the years have gone by they've stopped bleeping names. like i have no idea who james is, but i love feeling like i'm in on the lore
This was super interesting, I think personally the main thing is to consider if you're hurting someone's feelings and whether everyone would be completely okay if you met the love of your life tomorrow and dated, cos if that would hurt your ex's feelings, or they'd be jealous, or your new partner would feel guilty, or you'd feel guilty, then the other person is more your ex than your friend and its worth letting them go so you can both be happy
i love how much this video touches on amatonormativity and challenges it. Like no, one person doesn't (and shouldn't) be your entire life. Friendship networks are so important to sustain your social health. And I resonate with the advice that people can straight up have different boundaries and preferences and that doesn't mean one person is wrong, the people are just not compatible. People can be different without someone being wrong.
It's interesting to hear Gabe's take on polyamory. I'm not a huge fan of hierarchy with an exception for people with kids in the mix. At that point there's a practicality to some level of hierarchy that needs to happen. For myself I'm closer to being a relationship anarchist except labels are very helpful for me. I also am very open about being solo polyam and my own primary partner. I have had to remind my mom that knowing my spouse for 20+ years does not make him the default partner.
on boundaries: they control YOUR behavior. Someone telling you to drop a friendship with an ex isn't a boundary. You can agree to it if you want but it's not a boundary. A boundary would be "I don't get into relationships with people who are friends with their exes"
Also holy hell does that insecurity need to be unpacked.
@@EbyKat please be my therapist -g
I see the hierarchy issue as more of a practicality thing for certain processes that need to be followed than a relationship thing meant to describe how you feel about someone. Like, if your parents are still together and you put down your dad as your emergency contact when you're in college, it doesn't (necessarily) mean he's the primary parent and your mom is the secondary parent. Similar thing with, for example, sharing your insurance with the partner you bought a house with, but only sharing dinner with the partner you're dating.
@@JustBetweenUs no joke I’m 41 and if you ever truly want someone to bounce thoughts off of I would totally be cool with that.
@@frangg23 which would be ok if that is how more people used it. Sadly they don’t.
Would watch a tutorial from Alison how to clean the bath tube to be fair
I'd say it's easier to be friends the longer you date. And if anyone betrayed the other, then it's impossible.
The straights run into their exes at:
Costco
Their nieces dance recital because they also have a niece the same age.
DMV
Old Navy
TJ Maxx
Applebee’s
Funeral
7:00 it's so good to hear that Alex is still a positive part of your life Gabe! When I heard you guys broke up I was really hoping it was friendly because he was so lovely and fun when he dropped into the videos and podcasts
He's been so integral to so much of my growth as a trans person, someone who is healing from trauma, and figuring out autism. Like so much happened unrelated to us dating in the time we dated through no fault of either of ours. And he was great. He's around for good. :)
also to answer would you care if your partner was friends with their ex: no, as long as I am included in the friendship.
@@JustBetweenUs yay!
I'm only friends with one ex, and it was after years of separation and working out my mental health issues that he helped me to notice before we broke up. We were in a relationship when my father passed away and he really did everything he could, even when I wasn't being the best partner.
I think fondly of our time together and we're both in great loving relationships now.
We don't hang out but we'll FB message each other to check in.
depends on the ex and depends on the partner. if i know the ex and we're chill vibes, its all good. if the partner is spending more time with the ex than with me (texting and online time counts), i'm unlikely to be chill about it at all.
Allison has a good point, it's hard being friends with someone who you have "friend zoned" and they have "relationship zoned" you. It's a dynamic that breeds resentment even if y'all have never dated.
I have a guy best friend and we’ve never dated but both had feelings for each other at different times. When he first started dating his girlfriend he wanted us to meet right away because he thought we’d get along and she and I became friends. She’s always said what Allison said about if nothings happened in our 15 year friendship, why would it happen now. She also says it’s a huge green flag that he has female friends that he’s even had feelings for in the past but has love and respect for them without wanting anything romantic now
YES to 7:53 gabe questioning hierarchy 👶🏻💅🏼 relationship anarchy hehe
I love what you said about having separate things with your partners. My partner and I have separate things from each other. He has his weekly DnD game with all his buddies and I go out with my friends. We do a ton of stuff together because we enjoy each other’s company, but we also have our own things as well 💕
this was such a good, thought provoking disscussion
Nothing to add to the conversation, just wanted to share how much I love the couch vids, and how grateful I am that we're being fed so well with them over the past year or so. I rewatch/listen to these regularly while working on projects and I always find them informative and comforting! Thanks for continuing to share yourselves with us, Allison and Gabe!
ahhh thank you so much!
In Germany its really common for cis-het couples to remain good friends after breaking up.
Name dropping as fuck in this video
It's easy for old friends of the opposite gender, but what about new ones?
Your husband meets someone who he wants to get to know better and share parts of his life with and wants to spend time with them (is attracted to some degree).
I'm not saying it's a deal breaker of course, I trust my boyfriend that even if he got a crush he wouldn't use it to get satisfaction from the other person. But still definitely trickier than old established friends.
I love the way Allison pronounces amicable, I noticed it on a podcast too
As a bisexual and polyamorous person, some of my closest friendships were romantic relationships at first. I'm glad we were able to make the switch when the romantic aspect wasn't working anymore so I didn't lose those wonderful people in my life. And I get if a partner is reluctant to me being friends with someone who hurt me, but as long as they didn't do anything malicious or severe and we had the proper talk, I get to decide who stays in my life.
Love u guys
As someone currently trying to navigate being friends with an ex, tips would be helpful.
I'm loving this for for Gab 😍
Queer/poly here. I don’t have any local exes but I’m sure if I did, I’d see them at Pride/events. My partner and I are friends with their ex. It’s not weird at all. He’s been there through a lot - he made us gluten free brownies and brought them to my grandpas funeral. He took in my cat when I had to rehome her. There are reasons why they broke up and why I wouldn’t have dated him, but we don’t have to end our friendship because of it. 😊
For me, distance is needed to really process and get over romantic feelings. I totally agree that being friends is possible, but it's like getting over an addiction. You need to re-wire your brain to respond to this person in a friend way, not in a partner way. Distance has been the only way for me to achieve that, otherwise I feel like I'm walking on eggshells like - is this how friends would act?? while also craving this deeper intimacy that is still rooted in romantic feelings rather than platonic. And everyone's threshold for that is different, and every relationship dynamic will be different. If it's someone you've dated hot and heavy for a few months maybe thats easier to be friends right away, but if it's years of emotional and life enmeshment, that's years worth of thought and behavior patterns you need to spend time looking at and re-adjusting.
I stayed friends with my first and (so far) only ex. We drifted apart eventually (when he began dating someone new, though now I'm told there might have been some toxicity involved in that relationship), but we still talk every once in a while and I'd be open to deepening the connection again in a platonic capacity.
This may change as I age, but personally I don't think I'd want to be with someone who wouldn't want to stay friends if it ended. Like, obviously you can't *guarantee* it, but anybody who is opposed to the idea wholesale just has such a different approach to relationships that we're probably not compatible anyway. I hope (and will do my best to ensure) that all my future breakups are amicable, and if they are, I don't see a reason to cut off a person who you care about, just because a particular dynamic no longer works. Like, it's so hard to find people who you truly vibe with (especially for the weirdos of the world); why would you narrow that pool down even further by excluding exes?
Of course, I'm fully aware that this is not a majority opinion and that a lot of people treat romantic/sexual relationships as inherently different from friendships, but that ain't me. I would much rather be single than get into a relationship with someone that is not, first and foremost, a friend (and a very good one at that).
My answer like with everyone will be subjective. Being friends with an ex will vary from person to person. It can depend what's important to you in a friendship and feeling you won't walk pass that line again because you're comfortable where you're both at. It can also depend on how serious the relationship was. For my experience when I was a cishet I befriended almost all my ex's and a couple even became friends with each other afterwards. They did shit on me to my face but all in good fun lol BUT they were not serious long term relationships. When a serious one finally did end I couldn't stay friends because the feelings would resurface after they met someone else and they would tell me intimate things they would do with their new partner. I was not able to look beyond it so I preferred to not be friends with them. That being said I am still friends with another ex from before that time. They have been one of my closest friends for almost 20 years, have been there through other relationships, and life events. I love them like a sibling I wish I had growing up 💛 And now as a non-hierarchical (I don't favor seniority) parallel poly (I prefer to date separately) queer for several years with one partner (for 2 years) I gage my feelings per person. I have one ex now that I didn't want to be friends with right away (we were together for 6 months) because I knew it would hurt me to see them meet someone else and I wanted to spare my feelings from it. Not to say we couldn't eventually be friends, I just needed some personal time to process those feelings first as it would take time to potentially get comfortable. I have also met a new poly person who told me they were planning on telling their Husband they wanted a divorce the same day they wanted to meet me in person for the first time (we were messaging back and forth beforehand). And they would still live with them through the divorce process. I just felt like it was too much for me personally. I wouldn't mind being their friend but I wouldn't really want to start seeing someone while they're going through that. What I understand is like Gabe said the queer areas are few and it makes sense we would potentially run into them only being comfortable to be ourselves in certain spaces. So should we be friends with an ex? It depends on the ex 🤷 lol
The being friends with exes is so weird to me. If I'm dumped: why the hell would I torture myself keeping around someone I'm in love with and who broke my heart. And If I did the dumping: Same exact situation but reverse, plus I feel bad seeing them sad and its awkward.
Like?? Can someone explain. Are you guys just in relationships where no one is in love with the other and there are no feelings involved?
There are breakups where after discussions about expectations and needs things just don't align for people and they decide they don't want to be in a relationship anymore for those reasons, and there can still be love there. The people I get into relationships with are people who I deeply care about on a human-to-human level and the romantic label is something added on for the clarity of the role ("the person I go on dates with, introduce to my friends, have sex with" etc.) The way I see it, if that level of relationship doesn't work and you can talk through it, that's still a whole person you connected with, got to know, loved, and shared life with that doesn't have to disappear because of one relationship type not working.
Of course, if someone hurt the other or you hurt them then that's a betrayal and that's not the type of relationship you can hold onto without really hashing it out. But tbh I've done that too and come out on the other side of it with a friendship; and that's because I see them as chosen family and already have little people in my life. I've seen people forgive siblings and parents for horrible things and I just extend that compassion to maintain my relationships even after they've changed from romantic. (with a lottt of discussion and boundary setting)
This one feels directed at me.
I would love it if you guys were on Caleb Hearon’s so true podcast
Yes!!
okay but I NEED Gabe's shirt
personally I don’t want to stay friends with exs and neither does my boyfriend so in the end, just date people who agree!
I used to feel like I was the love baby between you two, now I am wholly attracted to Gabe. Starting to think I have a complex.
I just want to note , before I watch this… as a lesbian …. I deep in my core genuinely HATE the idea of my partner being friends with an ex. Even worse - not an ex …. A Duck Buddy turned “just friends” . Literally can’t 😅but excited to hear what y’all have to say as well as
Curious to if it will swing my ideas / feelings about it at all
Yeah Gabe is it the gang up factor for you?
Gabe's shirt :D
My best friend is technically my ex. We dated for about a month then were fwb for a month before just being friends. I think I’m closer to him now as a friend than I would when we were together. However, my most recent ex I couldn’t see myself being friends with as it was a horrible breakup so it depends on each individual ex I think
I'm friendish with 1 ex but we weren't at first, we were friendish before also...
Yeah my parents are the kind of straight people who think you cannot be close friends with people of the opposite sex, much less an ex. I think it is extreme but I don't know how uncommon of a belief it is for more conservative people. They're also the kind of people who think you cannot go to an event or go hang out with other people without your partner being there too which is incomprehensible to me. No such thing as partners each having their own friends. What happened to trust or having your own identity? It's so codependent and unhealthy
Yay
I really hope this is just one of those problems that I won't ever have to have
No way. My ex stays in the past; I won't even stay friends. It's just toxic and disrespectful. I respect my present life and prefer to nourish my current relationship rather than go back to an ex and try to be friendly when things didn't work out..
dont understand how would you dela with jealousy in polyamory cause if its open where is the line? will they just dump you cause you cant stomach a certain person being included etc
do you get to fully love when your partner may have partners whoa rent involved with you and how would you know exactly how they felt about you?
I obviously haven’t watched them in a while. Wow
no Gabe but you do need to be reasonable cause you make your own rules at the same time viscerally ppl have necessities in relationships and feelings etc
I think a lot of Allison's hangups around this come from internalized mononormativity and amatonormativity
Honestly I think I agreed with her takes a lot more than with some of Gabe's opinions. I just think they're two different people and have different views on things. I could see/make an argument for both.
Listening to this I did not think Allison had a lot of hang ups just different preferences and relationship styles. You obviously can’t impose that on another partner, but I think saying it is fair to say “we won’t be compatible in a relationship if you are still close with an ex that you have romantic feelings for.”
I mean there's no obligation to being friends with exes. We only have so much emotional energy to give. One of my exes that I had a rough breakup with is still a friend, and it took si much work to get there and honestly... i dont think I'd do that again. Some people start to loose romance in relationships, or drift away and that's fine. Some relationships are toxic. And some people just... cant be good friends (lol). But I think dating someone who was too stressed about people being friends with exes for me would be rough. Especially if you're all in the same friend circles/area/etc