Detrans and Back - My Story
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- čas přidán 16. 03. 2024
- Finally talking about my journey through detransition and eventual retransition, along with part of my substance use recovery. Obligatory disclaimer that this is all just my personal experience and everyone’s story will differ.
Thank you for watching and I hope you have a wonderful day!
Instagram: @max.l.mn
That's great to hear. I think personally as a transfem person, I used to be super worried about HRT never working or me not being feminine enough to be accepted and I genuinely tried to do the hyper-masculinity thing for a few years. I didn't detransition because I never transitioned in the first place but I did deny that I was trans for years when I could've spent that time transitioning and being myself.
I know in this day and age, being trans is considered a huge deal with coming out and passing and stealthing and all this stuff and while I do think that stuff is important, it's also nice to have that "I don't care" attitude about it all. Like, you hear trans exclusionary feminists talking about gender being a fact and you hear a lot of trans people that are terminally online thinking about gender in a very black and white way where they want to use biology or transmedicalism to justify their experience. However, I love just having that attitude of HRT being a regular choice someone can make because they feel it'll improve their lives. They don't have to be trans or go through a full social transition. All they have to do is look at the effects of HRT and recognize that those effects would make them a happier person.
I think we live in a society where most trans people are driven by dysphoria and often by suicidality however, it's really nice when I do see trans people that are euphoria motivated. Like this isn't a life or death choice for them and they're not in a dark place mentally. They're actually very happy people but they know HRT will improve their lives. I know youtubers like conure and F1NN5TER have this attitude. While I personally struggle with dysphoria, it's nice to not have that fatalistic attitude.
It's also an attitude that I like to have when buying clothes. I shouldn't feel weird about going to the women's section because at the end of the day it's just clothes. It's just pieces of fabric. It shouldn't matter whether I'm cis or trans or gay or straight or fem or masc. As a feminist I believe in bodily autonomy. I believe in "my body my choice" and buying clothes and taking HRT is going to effect nobody but myself. I'm not "appropriating women's bodies". I'm just being myself.
Even though I do identify with the transfem label and with trans women, sometimes it's nice to take a step back and say "This isn't about being a woman or being trans. All of these choices I'm making are about me and expressing myself as an individual. It's about being myself. HRT and clothing and all that are just ways in which I express who I am. It's not my job to live up to the label of woman or the label of trans. Actually it's the opposite. It's the label's job to describe me. The label isn't supposed to be a guide book or a set of rules, it's merely a way of categorizing individuals. I'm trans and I'm a woman because that's just what suits me as an individual. I identify with women and with femininity and that's not something I need to prove."
I think for you, you seem like someone who identifies with masculinity, who enjoys having a beard and fitting in with men and it doesn't need to be any deeper than that. Being trans doesn't have to be this profound philosophical thing. I think it's mostly just about preferences which are entirely subjective and the only reason our mental health is so trash is because we never get a chance to express our preferences.
When it comes to biology and my bones being dug up in a thousand years, I just don't care. If "gender critical" people are supposed to be the logical ones, then I'd like to know why it's "logical" for me to factor in my chromosomes when choosing what clothes to buy or how short my hair is. How do my chromosomes and bone structure logically factor into that decision? In what universe has a human being ever bought a dress, went home, tried it on and then immediately thought to themselves "Damn it! I was so excited in the store that I didn't realize how much this dress clashes with my Y chromosome. I'm going to have to return it now."
Most of us don't even know what our chromosomes are. Like we've never even checked. We just assume based on genitals and in reality there's a lot of intersex people who have no idea that they're intersex.
In conclusion, just be yourself. It feels great to have that sense of community with trans people and it feels great to socially transition and to pass but sometimes it's also great to take a step back and think "caring this much about gender is dumb and I don't really care". Obviously, it's easier to do that after transitioning because that's when we finally have the ability to stop caring.
What an unexpected and happy update. It’s so lovely to see you feeling comfortable and joyful with yourself. Thank you for sharing about these vulnerable experiences. I’m sure a lot of people will relate to what you say and be inspired by your honesty. I hope in time you see that you’re deserving of all the success and happiness that comes your way ❤🌈
best of luck to you max, we all are on our different paths, Im significantly older then you, but I had my own self destructive behavior and have had to take my own path to healing.
I wish well man, you look great.
#female she is an adult human female aka woman
i almost didn’t watch this because i thought from the title and the pic that you were an amab detransitioner. it took until you said your identity until i realized differently. thanks for having the courage to share your journey with us. ❤
Nice to hear from you again ♥︎
Congrats on your sobriety and everything! I can relate to a lot of those thoughts and fears, thank you for sharing your experience.
Ps. That cat is the cutest 😭❤️
Feels like not so long ago I saw your detrans videos! Either way I’m happy for you
Thank you for this. People like to throw out anecdotal evidence, but these are peoples lived experiences and so valid. I believe you. I’m glad you’re here and I hope you have the happiest and most joyful life possible!!!
It is so brave of you to share all of this with us. Thank you!
I saw your Benjamin Boyce interview years ago and have been following you since. Ive been curious about your journey since I saw you transitioning happily on Instagram. I've been questioning for years and I too continue to struggle with what I really want or should want or will regret ( I'm 19). Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable and making me feel a little less alone :).
Dear God, he went to BENJAMIN BOYCE the alt right anti-trans fanatic? Dear God, clicking off this video right now, no excuses for running to anti-trans activists whatever one's personal experience with transition.
Appreciated this, thank you man
Thanks for sharing this. Much love ❤
So many thoughts! I think many folks from small towns have a similar anti trans phase. it’s like a painful coping mechanism. i think it keeps us safe at times, but that obviously doesn’t negate the harm we may cause others in the process. i am not the type of trans person who can pass. i’m gender-fluid and i have no interest in taking hormones. but i have been thinking about top surgery more and more. i’m afraid of what it means to be more visibly trans. i’m afraid that i will regret it. i’m afraid of having to explain myself. anyway, thanks for the video. it was helpful to hear your perspective. long live trans joy
Wow, beautifully done video. You articulate your experience in a way that im sure is very touching for trans and detrans people alike. Speaking as a detransgender person (former ftm, currently femme nb), your personal growth is totally evident in your story telling.
I related to many elements of your journey, although with many differences as well. I truly agree with so much of what u said, Im so in support of trans rights all the way, and its hard to feel alone in that belief in detrans spaces.. hence why i dont hang out there, it can quickly spiral into wallowing in anger, distress, and rigidly binary standards, its like a form of digital self harm. Being disillusioned with detrans spaces, un-inviting myself from trans spaces, its a bit lonely out here! But this video was great company for cooking dinner tonight, thank u :)
Idk, im just happy to see you making your own meaning on this life path. I truly feel i found a way to heal my dysphoria thru deeply unpacking the toxic environment of my childhood (thank u queer trauma therapy, thank u trauma infromed yoga, thank u accepting my own neurodivergency 😎), and finally neutralizing the self-loathing i had lived with for so long. Even seeing myself as/ being read as male in all my social interactions didnt change the fundamental pain in how i related to myself/body/society. I guess I just found my own way out, and thats kinda how I hear your video too! We both found our way out of a dark forest; even if we ended up travelling on opposite paths, I like to believe we found ourselves in the sunshine just the same. Sending out a little olive branch your way, i know us detrans'rs come with a lot of baggage, but I hope someday we all recognize that we are much more alike than we are different 🕊️
ALSO I am a lifelong MCR stan, that tidbit in the intro totally got me 😂 Thats another thing that totally brought me some deep inner peace; listening to intervjews and realizing SO MANY if not MOST of Gerard's personal artistic inspirations were punk women. I used Gerard's anecdote about crossdressing on campus to give me confidence wearing dresses and stuff again, at a time where I was ashamed to be in-between. I also believe theyve gone thru some major gender acceptance too, based on the peak gender-icon outfits that have debuted on stage in the last couple years. Keep running! 🕷️
Also mad appreciation for openly discussing weed addiction, I've been there done that too 😓 I also didn't use to believe it could be a detrimental substance, cuz that's just what everyone and the Internet has been saying for years... But yeah, it was a life-altering addiction for me, and one I'm glad to be free from today. U spread a lot of powerful messages in such a succinct video, thank u for making this :)
Really cool presentation, man! And I need to work out as well as you do. Good on ya!
woman shes a masculine woman with female parts
Max, I find you to be an incredibly, smart, handsome, intelligent, educated, experienced, articulate and insightful young man. What you have gone through in your young life is nothing less than heroic. Your bravery and drive not to survive life, but to thrive in life is inspiring. I am happy for you that you are only 25, still young, with a full life ahead of you. The ability for you live to a genuine and authentic life is yours; you deserve it brother. We all do! In this lifetime, there is no doubt that you were born to be a man, and you are a beautiful man! I could write forever. You are so right!! You do not have to have all the answers. Life is truly a journey and is yours to experience. Best wishes, huge hugs!
Thank you so much for your time.
Congrats on your gender euphoria and your sobriety. I am addicted to weed, so I can relate. I can also relate to wanting to have all the answers and your reaction to top surgery.
I love your openess. People change and that is fine.
can you still see the old video somewhere? i dont really remember what you talked about
and cangrats on doing you :D
oh my god, Max- thank you for sharing this. This is pretty much exactly my story, even to the divine masculine/feminine stuff. I was disgusted with trans things and gender things and could barely look at that concept in the eye. I think it was a shame thing, and as I started accepting myself as trans again i desperately wanted to hold onto the gc beliefs, even though i couldn’t hide my wariness towards the full-blown gc crowd. I thought of my dysphoria as a nagging devil from a past phase, not as a valid feeling. I’m also a lesbian (if we’re talking in terms of bio sex) so radical feminist spaces really convinced me i’m dysphoric ONLY because I’m a butch lesbian who has been convinced by the “gendies” that women can’t be masculine. Despite not regretting detransition, I think it was tough on my mental health especially since people thought they could “come out” with their beliefs and opinions about my own transition(parents mostly). And- it didn’t feel right or natural, looking back. But- I’ve got a HRT appointment coming up and I’m ready to start, once more. Me coming to terms with transitioning again and living as a man has been a more recent experience for me after 2 years of detransition, but it feels like an eternity especially when no one tends to talk about this. So thank you
i appreciate this video so much. i'm 19 and starting T soon, but my parents are somewhat fixated on the idea that i'm a trans man because i'm doing it out of spite, traumatized, or too stubborn to admit that i should detransition.
Yeah I don't blame them
Ooof that sounds rough. I never quite get that reasoning, like it's so hard to Talk to a doctor even when you Juest have "regular" stuff going on (lets say anxiety or Back Problems). Noone goes through years of Back and forth with their doctors Out of spite or stubbornness. Most trans men i know have been on waiting Liste for either T or surgeries for several years, so i really would Like to know how much "spite" you Guys are all supposed to have 😅
Listen to your parents. Instead of T talk to a good non-affirming therapist and don’t even consider medicalizing until at least age 25, which is when the brain fully matures. By then you’ll likely grow out of your discomfort. Love yourself enough as you are. Once you take T it’s going to be infinitely harder to go back. Sending you love and (hugs). ❤
I love what you're saying, I don't usually comment to videos but I feel I have to on this one. Despite being born and raised in East Asia, I am in constant contact with a lot of both western radfem and queer discourse. I have walked along a similar trajectory, been on T for 4 months at 23, stopped T, got sucked into gender critical theories, then re-transitioning at 30 because of persistent discomfort with how I look/present and how I am referred to as female in society. I am still battling with opposing ideologies in my head and I am restarting T in a week now - I am at a point where I don't know the answer and I feel content in not entirely knowing despite having a logic-searching and anxiety-prone brain that I have! I know at any point in time there are thousands others who think and feel like me. I understand and relate with almost everything you are saying. Thank you for your video as your candor and your story is life-changing for me.
When I first started questioning my gender but was worried I would be making a mistake if I transitioned, I watched your detrans video. Now I'm almost 2 years on T questioning whether I made the wrong choice... and I came across this. Crazy huh?
Anyway, thanks for this video. Makes me feel a lot less alone.
Interesting video , thank you for sharing. I like "Retrans" as a word for this lmfao. It's probably been coined but it came to my mind and it fits lol. You probably aren't alone, altho i gotta say that it probably really is an unique experience lol. all the trans organizations love the stats of transition helping and minimizing detransition numbers, wonder if they'll ever start adding retransition numbers lol.
I'm someone who's been questioning for like 4 years, with some episodes before of "repressing" you could say since way before, and i relate to a lot of what you say (i guess more as pre-transition worries). There is a ton of information/anecdotes that are available out there and especially in this trans stuff it's all so particular that it's hard to share doubts, to be open, etc without feeling like you're not taking "reality" into account, it's easy to get lost in narratives that seem too rosey but as a counter there are also narratives that are just so toxic that it stops making sense.
i myself struggle a lot with things gc ppl / transphobes are commenting in the comments, there are certain realities that you one has to face, it is "going from a healthy body" to "medicalizing and depending on the medical system" and the possibility of the whole medical system conspiracy ppl love to bring up maybe being real, the rosey path ppl are less open ab certain stuff like things going wrong; but i think that trans people already have this huge backpack of baggage of already having thought through these issues way more than what detrans narratives like to paint and especially these groves of "concerned parents" who seem so focused on protecting children yet refuse to listen to the realities that they are actually facing.
I understand why there are so many wars bc the implications of gender being something you can "just" change are indeed quite huge, the "minors" thing is always a big talking point, and there are a lot of edge cases that society just doesn't have a space for, and tbh i'm just not necessarily a huge advocate of demolishing gender or whatever, but i do think that just having more grace and openness towards these things that very much affect people is important imo.
anyways i've been rambly but it just pains me that transitioning can be such a tortuous path, and that i just can't envision it any other way
Max, please don't allow the mean people to bother you. They have the inability to spread light, love and happiness, and instead find beautiful souls to try to bring down. Turn any haters into elevators. Elevate yourself far above their evil sniveling pettiness. Turn them into your Motivators. Motivation to love yourself greater and stronger with no apologies to anyone!!!
This is exactly what I was looking for. I have been following the detransitioning people and it's so crazy. I know I would never do it because it doesn't feel comfortable to me. I am just horrified by the MTF bottom surgery regrets but I realize that I wasn't born with a penis so I am trying to look for guys that regretted metiodioplasty because that's what I'm saving up for and I have a feeling I won't regret it at all but I still want to listen to testimonies.
I am currently going through something similar. Right now I'm off my depression & anxiety meds, and I'm having another bout of questioning followed with depression, I also struggle with drug use.
I used to hate my chest, but now I'm okay with it, just see it as excess fat. I don't like gender and having so much confusion and rules and regulations on what you should and should not do as a man or woman. It's all so stupid. I don't want to go down the radfem pipeline, I just don't know what to do.
What questions did you ask yourself? HOW (if you do) do you feel stable & self-assured in your identity? I feel like I rely on external validation and my family is just barely starting to come around after 2 years.
I am going to go into therapy, but if you have any short tips I would love to hear.
You're beautiful inside and out. I've never seen a woman retransion before. It must be scary to be so confused about your gender.
Not Sure why this was recommended to me but im glad it was. Im cis and somehow getti g bombarded with anti-trans content lately, particularly about detransitioning. All of which runs pretty much counter to what i know from actual trans people in my life. Seeing you share a candid experience like that is is a perspective i dont come across very often. Thank you
we went to high school together years ago. I remember you being shy but very articulate. it’s nice to see that you’ve dropped the former and maintained the latter. I would be lying if I said I agree with your decision to transition, but that doesn’t mean I can’t root for you. I wish you good health and happiness in the years ahead
This entire Trans thing wasn’t even a thing 20 years ago. Doctors love the entire thing. $$$
And the drug companies: customers for life.
trans people have always existed
Trans people have existed in every culture forever. Google the Trans and Kinsley type Clinic in Berlin which accepted trans patients and gave them official 'Trans person' documents which allowed them to safely live as trans people. Also, statistically 95% of hormones prescribed in the US are prescribed to NON TRANS Women who are e.g. premenopausal or post menopausal or had breast cancer. So according to YOUR LOGIC, the millions of doctors treating non-trans women are "greedy and wicked"? Just do a google search "How many women take e.g. HRT or estrogen or any hormones in the USA".
So yall's logic is flawed and biased against trans folk.
It existed, including surgeries, just was not very publicly visible. Do a little research. But of course, unfortunately some doctors will take advantage for it for profit.
Do I understand it correctly that you don't have an answer for a question "what is a woman/man" and now don't consider necessary to have this answer to decide if you're trans or not? The notion of gender remains unspeakable, I'm trying to think, read, listen about it, but it keeps feeling as such. If I try to break down this notion into examples, all these little pieces seem to be explainable either by biology or cultural stereotypes, but somehow the whole notion is more than the sum of its pieces? Idk. I used to feel dysphoric I guess, but realization that I'm free to not conform to gender norms kinda liberated me from this feeling, yet didn't liberate me from questions, what is a woman, what is a man, what is a gender, does it even exist?
As someone from that gender critical world, I’m sorry that your experience wasn’t positive. We are all only people, and there are bad people amongst GCs as well as many good people. The attention that often comes from posting a detransition video is overwhelming, and we can be guilty of chewing detransitioners up and spitting them out. Some people treat detransitioners as political points and not people, and that’s wrong no matter which ‘side’ does it. I’m sure we’d have many disagreements on the topic of all things trans, but I do genuinely hope for your happiness no matter your path. Activist circles are intense, and I really do believe that everyone has to step back from them at times for their mental health, sometimes permanently. And congratulations on the sobriety- that’s massive. Happiness and peace to you ❤
Here's the thing you can't use Detrans trans people's stories unless they say you can. I think she just became gender-confused again because of her gender dysphoria coming back. It's an awful cycle of body dismorpia. But she is happy that she got all this done, so I'm grateful that she is, and you can't deny that it hasn't helped her because she went through many different experiences and her mental health is just better on t, that's how t works if you didn't know. It is like an anti-depressant. For me, I was also on estrogen as a main hormone, and it does amplify depression so when o got off it, I feel much how this woman does.
detrans rise up
just nice to see a woman doing femininity in her own way
So you decided to become a lifelong patient for "being" something you can never fully achieve...
This shit should be age restricted 🚫
I agree after seeing so many young girls in the comments talking about how inspired they are to transition. AND using this woman's story to say "i knew it! Detransition is a gimmick bc he (she) detransitioned then went back to transitioning!"
What a tortured life. Dont encourage others with this mess of a mindset.
is she ever going to stop talking like a deep voiced woman?
No matter what you are, please don’t destroy your body in pursuit of comfort unless you are 100% certain you do not want to have a “normal” family.
Biological kids do not make it family normal lol, don't know what ur on about
@@norahbeckwith dats implied der bub … “normal” … make the quote gesture with your fingers while saying the word, what comes to mind, implied.
Have you go nothing better to do with your life !
@Lily-Id7fn Have you nothing better to do with your life than to judge others. Apparently not. Maybe you need to take a look in the mirror and pose your question to yourself.
Have you? You Clicked on this Video 😅
Confusion and demons....Lord Jesus, help this person find their identity!!!
@Mint-kj9kw If there is a God, I am certain SHE will put you at the top of the list to be helped. To assist you in finding reality, compassion, empathy. We will pray for you Minty!
he already has