Renowned Therapist: 3 Ways To SAVE A Failing ADHD Relationship - Karen Doherty
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- čas přidán 9. 09. 2024
- Expect to learn:
👉 How a neurotypical can effectively communicate with a neurodivergent partner
👉 How to manage RSD in relationships
👉 Tips on how to make an ADHD marriage work
and SO MUCH MORE!
Karen Doherty is a fully qualified Psychosexual Therapist and Relationship Coach, with over 20 years experience and specialises in neurodiversity.
Topics:
01:07 What's the difference between a hyper obsession and real love?
04:18 How can a neurotypical partner effectively communicate with a neurodivergent partner
07:31 Is it hard for a neurotypical partner to understand emotional dysregulation?
08:17 How to manage RSD in relationships
16:01 How to take responsibility for your triggers
16:28 What makes a successful ADHD relationship
16:58 Does ADHD make divorce more likely?
18:10 Are ADHD people more likely to cheat?
19:11 What are the biggest cracks in ADHD relationships?
20:36 What does a toxic relationship look like?
22:51 The parent/child dynamic
26:03 3 warning signs of a failing relationship
27:49 Should you 'mask' in your relationship?
30:34 Are ADHD people hard to live with?
35:19 The importance of communication
36:16 Washing machine of woes
39:39 3 tips how to make a marriage work
40:29 3 positives about dating a neurodivergent person
Visit Karen's website 👉 karendohertyco...
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This episode has been produced for entertainment purposes only and is in no way meant to be taken as medical advice or advice in any way.
The non-ADHD/neurodivergent partner isn’t always the regulated one. My partner is frequently angry, and I often don’t even know why. I also do most of the household management as the neurodivergent. I still end up feeling like the inferior one. For example, being someone that has a hard time waking up early and getting to appointments on time, I am openly disparaged by my spouse. Since late diagnosis, I’m learning to reframe these differences as valid. If I had to describe how my partner feels about me, it would be annoyed and infuriated.
“My partner is frequently ready, and I often don’t even know why.” 😂😂😂 yeah that has nothing to do with ADHD.
Erm they autistic
You aren't inferior.
I wanted to tell you that my ADHD partner was in a marriage where his neurotypical wife was frequently angry and explosive, and it wrecked his health. He finally left after 14 years, 2 kids, and (her) affairs later, and it has been the most healing, life-altering decision for him. I'm wishing you courage to do whatever you need to have a peaceful life with a loving partner. ❤️
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. People with adhd are more likely to end up in toxic relationships bc they overassume blame (think that they're the problem, not the partner).
You say relationship, I say this is how our lives are in friendship aswel.
A friendship is a relationship.
RSD is overwhelming to the point of feeling suicidal. Trust and a sense of safety in the relationship is so important!
WOW a therapist who really really understands ADHD, in all the years I've never come across someone so well informed. Can you please, please be my therapist, pretty please! 🙏 Seriously though I wish there were alot more people like you.
Totally, totally agree ! RSD is absolutely devastating!!!😢
5:00 Oh, my gosh, this is exactly me. I haven't been diagnosed but more and more, I wonder.. about a lot. Something is amiss.
I'm autistic and always have communication issues with my ADHD partner, I need long explanations with lots of context and he likes to spring information on me with no context whatsoever when I'm in the middle of thinking about something else, add delayed processing on and important conversations can be painful, especially when my questioning is taken as being argumentative
I have both, and i feel for both of you.
I hope you can work it out successfully. I believe it us possible. Knowledge is power.
I feel with you. I am the one with adhd in my relationship with an audhd and it has taken me a while to learn to respect the slow processing speed. Likewise, as she describes in the interview, my RSD is the source of many conflicts. We are on our 21st year together and still very much in love, so it is doable. But it takes a lot of sense of humor and regularly reminding ourselves of everything that we are and can do, instead of focusing on what we are not and can't do.
Wow, this comment is eye opening for me.
@@katrinhjorthwow, this comment made me tear up.
@@Plethorality do you have any CZcams recommendations for both?
I have ADHD and it was my wife that was sleeping around. I have never been unfaithful to anyone throughout my life
I am a 56 y.o. male with both parts very hyper and very impulsive and nothing is gonna change that. I feel that the Hearst thing is that we feel completely
Misunderstood. Our whole lives and people still don’t understand us. We go from Hero to Zero in one remark. We lost before we start anything, period. Really sucks knowing that. Life don’t get easier with ADHD, so for me living alone is perfect.
Aloha from Tennessee
What gets to me is that in my relationship my partner has BPD and I have ADHD, and I try very hard to keep in mind of the things that he needs for his BPD but he constantly tells me that my ADHD is an excuse and isn't actually a thing. So suddenly I'm the one doing all the chores, all the bills, all the cooking, and giving him the help he wants and needs, but then my side of things get pushed away before he thinks that adhd isn't real. Then he tells me that he was tested for it so he knows what it is but that it isn't anything and doesn't impact me at all.
But then on the flip side is that his sister is my best friend she has BPD and ADHD and we get along great and can point out or pick up on things in seconds and often before the other realizes that its happening.
Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like that?!?
Having BPD is no excuse for gaslighting someone you are supposed to care for 😢
Borderline is a personality disorder that responds very well to therapy. With time and hard work, we humans can change our toxic personality traits.
He needs therapy. Sounds toxic af. Sounds like he’s projecting his excuses onto you babe
You just described an abusive relationship.
Please get out, safely.
BPD is a BS diagnosis, it’s actually NPD. Some have C-ptsd instead.. sounds like he may actually be a narcissist.
I found this episode really helpful, thinking about my own 3 year relationship that started at university, thank you.
I would love to hear about couples where both partners have ADHD/ ND. Iam in a couple like this and it comes with a lot at benefits and understanding but also with a lot of difficulty’s. Would love to hear an expert speak about it ❤❤❤.
What an extreme privilege listening to Karen. Thank you so much for this. I've learned a lot.
Amazing interview! Amazing woman! Thank you.
I really wish I'd found out I was ND and had seen this video 20 years ago before my marriage failed 😢
I'm in a fantastic relationship now, but I wish I hadn't lost what I had first time around 😢
I’ve been divorced twice , It was like a switch flicked off and it became a task after the wedding .. I felt I was weird and I’ve questioned it all ever since until my recent realisation that I have adhd
That’s me too! Good to know this stuff now but the ‘lost’ years are painful.
My ex husband was a malignant narcissist.
I have adhd. My god he was evil monster
Same with me. 13 years of Psycho and Drama. @user-ds5uj6mj9n
What a lovely episode - I also work in this space and love it so much, it's a total privilege and honour
they discussed how neurotypical partner can become resentful when taking too much on and how important it is to have knowledge and compassion but I would have liked to hear more about how does this help with the task/mental load? maybe I missed something
Thank you SO much for this conversation! I am learning now how to takę positives from my neurodiversity rather than masking and adjusting. Hearing such nice words about ADHD makes me feel stronger.
Adorable woman. I really loved this interview
I loooooved the intro💕
Thank you! ❤
I noticed it immediately. It’s a little too much DOAC for me… I like this podcast say it is, for its uniqueness-it does not need to copy the highly calculated algorithm shenanigans of Steven Bartlett and team 😅 I get why ADHD chatter might feel the need though to strive for the perfect intro, thumbnail and more views and subs, of course.
Exactly how I felt@@katsweeterly2039
I am lucky enough to be married to someone who allows me to ask clarifying questions when I am experiencing RSD. Unfortunately, because I didn’t know what it was, it took us a couple years to get to this place, but it is a game changer. That only can I ask him clarifying questions, but I’ll tell him it feels like he’s lying, and he will elaborate on what he really means
What a brilliantly thought out discussion. Loved this, and honestly made me realise and see some issues Iv had in the past as been because of issues spoken about within the video
Incredibly informative and helpful. Thank you so much.
😂 we know we are difficult to live with but I appreciate her response. 💚 🙏
That intro edit is starting to look more and more like Diary of a CEO
Iv spent the last 2 years researching and recently become aware I suffer either Misophonia or hyperacusis because my brain synchronises and reorganises my Fonotopic auditory pathway. I found this out listening to tripple layered music. The third songs background music which gets amplified out together and moved
I thought your guest was judge Judy from the thumbnail😂
Anyone have this - I think I chose my partner because of his traits, and now teasing and listening about ADHD and looking at how we were as children I think we both might have ADHD. We are in our 40's with nieces and nephews on both sides with full ADHD diagnoses 😮. I think the things we do would have caused a divorce if we were with neurotypicals, but those traits are what keep us stronger and together. ❤
What about when both are neurodivergent and one is worse than the other? We need some intel around this. My husband has not been diagnosed, I have been. He has a lot of childhood trauma and wouldn’t be shocked if he’s both high functioning ASD and ADHD.
Why is he not diagnosed? If he doesnt love you enough to at least find out, then does he even love you at all?
And if he has had trauma, he owes it to himself and to his marriage vows (to love you) to get help.
If he does not want to change and heal and grow up, then he is choosing to stay a child and use you as a mothering slave, which is not a marriage.
I know we do not like change.. but sometimes it is necessary.
@@Plethorality no one mentioned him being mothered and being assessed is his choice and love isn't involved in it so don't make remarks you know nothing on.
@@Plethorality That's some heavy judgement going on there. You don't know anything about them to say all these things. Depending on which country they live in and/or their current circumstances, they might not be able to afford therapy or even a diagnosis. Not everyone is so privileged to just be able to go to a therapist. Just as an example, in my country it's quite difficult to get the ADHD diagnosis as an adult and ADHD meds are not allowed for adults too. Therapy is not free either, especially therapists for ND are all fully paid out of your private pocket. Also nowhere in the comment does it say that the husband is using his wife as a mothering slave. You just basically made up your mind out of nothing.
Really enjoyed this episode. Good questions and practical advice.
This was brilliant. Thank you!
Okay, I'm confused,,,,,!!!!,,,, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 23, for 20 years now. I know I'm reactive and sensitive, I tend to notice it before my "neurotypical" partner, I insist I remove myself before I say something that I'm going to regret, I feel absolutely terrible, typically very hurt, but I know I've saved her from having to listen to me say something dumb and I know I'll likely completely forget what upset me so bad in about 10 minutes (as long as she doesn't keep picking.) I've been doing this for a long time, so that makes sense. However as I'm listening to the signs of a neurodiverse versus a neurotypical partner every time you said the neurodiverse partner is like this... you described my significant other. Every time you said the neurotypical partner does this or that, you described me😮 so does this mean that my years of experience of getting myself together have caused me to be more neurotypical than my neuro unknown partner (I've seen so many things that tell me she's not neurotypical😂) I know in a lot of ways I am the one pulling away. If we have something on the calendar she's likely to, at the last minute, say she doesn't want to go, even though she knows I've been looking forward to it. I'm the one that is very capable, I can stay on top of the bills really easily and have to remind her to put money in the joint account when they are due. Wait a minute, never mind, the one who's been "adultized" early, yeah that's also me😮 we're definitely together because she can do the dishes and plan a vacation, I cannot! I am also definitely the one to do research, she's the one to bring to home new and interesting things😂
We neurodiverse people are drawn to each other. I think what youre experiencing is you managing better than your partner- which is why you’re relating to the neurotypical pov. Been there
I relate 😅
@25:45 WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY IT’S TOO LATE?!?!?!? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY THEY HOPE THE COUPLE COMES IN BEFORE THAT POINT!?!?!? With God all things are possible. Why can’t they ever say there is a glimmer of hope?!?!? They have to go and ruin a good sound bite by making this an absolute statement.
Whats with the DOAC-style intro? Thats the worst bit.
I agree. I found the intro stressful. Like the Mr Beastification of YT, we're seeing the DOACification of podcasts. This was an amazing episode, thank you!! Learned so much from Karen. I love the podcast, but I prefer the calmer intros. I understand trying different editing styles!
@@TheBetterAdultProject I feel the same about DOAC intros. We're not halfwits. We don't need "cliffhangers" or explosions it's a bloody podcast.
I agree! I wasn't sure this was even the real video for a few minutes there 😅
Kinda liked the older ones where Alex just gets straight into it. Doesn't even bang on about "hitting like" or "subscribing" like all the others do. Just...bang! And we're off! ADHD-proof!
I agree. The intro really threw me. I almost bailed and missed an informative interview!
Editor of DOAC?
I really appreciate this program, but it seems like having two people in the relationship that are both strongly but differently ADHD and / or on the Spectrum is not addressed.
Exactly!! The ND partner has their own issues too.
I believe her example of the NT partner experienced childhood trauma. And yes, I agree, trauma brings a lot into a relationship. @32:00
The intro brought me here ❤️
Yes we usually don’t think of the consequences and just do it. If tested, we will lose for sure.
Whats it mean if he does things like kicks you when your down?
Welp got to get in a relationship, and we know the adhd preventing that being so oblivious to any signals
Then ask them out loud, with words.
Iv walked, but I think it was more of a BPD trait and splitting because of RSD or another trigger
***Thank you***, Karen, for using neurodiverse, instead of neurodivergent.
I so agree with this. Nerodivergent has entirely different connotations.
She sounds pretty condescending about us falling in love,vas if we hyperfocus, but falling in love only counts with neurotypicals.
Like we arent good enough to have soul mates. We only have chemical reactions, not love. Love has to happen on her neurityoical timescale, and our faster (and more thorough, which she ignores) getting to know someone and living someone, is dismissed.
I feel, at 58, as if, if she met me, that she would only see me as a child. I have adhd and autism.
And i do NOT feel this from everyyone.
Sorry but what is RSD?
I believe it stands for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
Just wait a little. 20 years in my wife is burned out. I'm mad, but can't blame her... well she's got problems
I don't think ND people really "love" someone else. This comes from an ND person. I do what I think is love. I can enjoy the company of someone else. But even people/family I think I "love" I literally won't miss them if I don't see them. So I don't actually believe his comment about "if they weren't there" sounds like what a NT wants to hear.
This is the dumbest thing I have read all week.
@snaakie Thank you for your highly insightful (from the first-person experience, I'm sure) opinion. Have a better day. 🙂
Both my partner and I have ADHD. Our love is fierce, we can't even describe how strong our love is for each other. However before my partner met me he has literally felt the same as you. At the start he even said to me he is scared cause he thinks he is incapable of truly loving and now look at us. You just haven't met The One yet, is all!
Edited to add: Saying ND people don't really "love" someone else is quite the statement, btw. In a bad way. The other person should've said it in a more polite manner, but they said it's dumb because what you said is simply not true. Even if it's true for you personally, it's not true for everyone else who is ND.
@bianka4001 Being understood and explaining something is always difficult. I think "love" is different for NDs is kinda what I was getting at. We feel it differently.
@@TroyUlysses I am coming from a country where we take things quite literally. For me saying "I don't think ND people really "love" someone else" is absolutely not the same as "love can be different for us". That is why I said what I said. The rest of your comment is just adding on to that first sentence. But yes it's true that is only my perception and your intention might've been different.
So just sharing my experience again, both me and my partner feel the "if they weren't there" very strongly. So it's not just something a NT wants to hear. And we've been together for over 4 years now and are still crazy for each other. We know it's for life. In regard to our family members and friends we love, we do miss them even if we don't see them. So our experience is different from yours although we are all ADHD. Which was my point in the first place.
Yes, we must take responsibility....I thank God He knows our frame ,that we are week. Jesus came to seek and save those whom are lost. His grace has helped us, difficult 35 year married couple though we are multicultural with 4 kids .
Thanks for help with ADD , our bickering!!😂. Timing is so important for discussions.
It look like Everyone has a problem today 😮 and sure Someone is making money....
There is no such thing as ADHD.
❤ loved this person