The One Trait That Is The Foundation For Narcissism
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- čas přidán 25. 07. 2024
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Narcissism consists of control patterns, low empathy, entitlement, and more. Dr. Les Carter goes behind the scenes and exposes the one quality that set it all up, and gives a checklist to help you understand the pervasiveness of that one quality.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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You will never know what it is that sets them off, and you will ruin your life trying to figure it out. Just run.
Yes!!
Haaaaasaaahaa. Too bad..so sad.
Well, you have hit that nail on the head. The ex husband I knew at a gut level that he lived in fear.
Amen
Not always possible for everyone to run until children are fully grown up. Since it is true there is more than one type and subtype of narcissist like Dr. Ramani describes on her channel it is possible while needing to remain in the circle of a narcissist to know what kind of setting, topic or task at hand in the present has a higher probability of setting them off.
“They want to make you think you are the problem .... but you’re just the person that THEIR problem is revealed with “
What a perfect quote! This really helped me get thru yet another day of craziness
I grew up in a whole family of narcissists. I didn't understand how my friends had such loving and happy relationships. I only had happy relationships with my pets.
Same here, we had pets and I have furry companions now. Bizarre perhaps but I was more bonded to the pets particularly one than to my parent. That one tried to protect me, gave comfort, made eye contact, gave warmth and positivity an unconditional love. All the things I didn't get for a vast set of reasons. It allowed my empathy muscle to be strong and I love having furry companions AND decent people around ✌
@Sincere I thought the same and now I realise in part this is true.... The narcs are pretending and those of us traumatised by them are doing the same because we don't want to be caught out again. As we grow however, it's much easier to see who is healthier for us and mutually let our guards down. Knowing who is decent and who isn't is really positive ✌
Ouch
It's like living in a den of rattlesnakes
@@bereal6590 they are heavenly sent companions. Psychology experts have conducted studies and have found that children need pets to more fully develop their compassion traits.
I knew going in that she was from a tough upbringing and was selfish due to having to survive. But I love her. 27 years later i started studying narcissism because i had enough of the controlling and belittling. She is never satisfied. And I hear about it. The minute I stand my ground the disguarding happened like I was a cockroach. Take heed young ones. You cannot save or fix this..
D
Dealing with a narcissistic wife too. Very hard as the good times are incredible.
Trying to build any kind of relationship with a narc, is the equivalent of filling a leaky bucket. Any fleeting sense of satisfaction is guaranteed to be followed by emptiness and endless, pointless hard work. Don’t bother, honestly, just don’t bother.
Haaaaasaaahaa. So true..leaking bucket. How about poison instead?!!
My soon to be ex scored 20 out of 20. WORST experience of my life. Can't wait until I'm free from this sick man. Thank you Dr. Carter.
SOOooo... What are you doing next week? Wanna go for a pizza and maybe a movie?
16 yes. The others could have been listed as maybes.....
Debbie, I just divorced my narcissistic ex. It's a lifestyle change, however to not allow myself to be sucked into his snares...
I hope you have established your boundaries esp if you are co parenting with this narcissist
Yep, I can’t wait until I’m free from a sick man also.
I could listen to this over and over. It shows exactly why despite all your efforts, there’s no way you can make a relationship with a narcissist “work”.
So true!
Echo my friend so true
There seems to be no way to make it work. Gray rock is no life and dulls your own enjoyment of life. It’s a miserable situation and endurance or getting out are the only choices. There is one other option and that is education about narcissism and learning to spot them and avoid them before the trap begins.
They only get worse in time they get more and more abusive
@Pamela W unless your narcissist is a psychopath, then there is zero chance for any kind of reform. There’s a spectrum for sure. The narcissists I’ve been close to don’t even feel there’s a problem. They are “right” and everyone else is wrong.
sir, you may never know the number of hurting people you have helped here.
I know he helped me. Just his calm reassuring tone is comforting all by itself.
Amen. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I want to send him money 😂
Dear Dr. C , May Lord bless you and your family! Words cannot express our gratitude to you for all the words of wisdom and guidance!
Yes, I pray for you, thank you!
They NEVER accept responsibility for ANYTHING! It's always someone else's fault. They also never apologize. If they attempt an "apology", it's something like, "I'm sorry you get your feelings hurt so easily", or "sorry you can't take a joke".
An example, something that happened early in our marriage that should have been a sign for me to run far away... We were in heavy traffic on the frwy, a bad accident ahead. When we got to the scene, medics were putting the sheet over a dead woman's body (we could see her shoes). I was choking back tears when he laughed and said, "too bad we didn't get here a little sooner, I could have gotten that dying quiver."
I was shocked, said, "WHAT??" He explained that it's every man's fantasy to have sex with a woman as she's dying... I stopped him and said shut up, shut up, I never want to hear that sick phrase ever again!
Of course, he never missed an opportunity to say that sick crap to me, because it upset me so much. He said MUCH worse, but I won't repeat it.
"You're so ridiculously sensitive! It's just a joke, ALL guys talk about this!"
NO! I've never heard any man say something so revolting, you sick, sick fuck.
Hi. I'm so sorry you had to witness both the accident & the Psychopathic reaction/comment from him. I'm a guy & no guy (unless mentally disturbed) would ever say that..let alone think it. I have a Malignant boss who scored 27 out of 20. He's pure evil. He wouldn't approve employees bereavement requests to attend family funerals or vacation requests that were prepaid. If you approached him..he'd smirk & say "I never received it." We'd call H.R. They'd say "did you talk to him about it?" Yes. " Well, he can run his office any way he deems fit." If you went w/o his approval, he'd call you in his office w/ his "Duper's Delight" smirk, fire you...immediately call HR to cancel your benefits & then call the Labor Dept. to deny unemployment claims.
@@t.l.7733 what company is this? So I can make sure I never apply. And you need to get out of that place!
I’m certain his name is Derek
@ Mercer
@@t.l.7733
OH MY GOD!
There must be something you can do to save others from falling into that pit of hell!
The fact that he's getting away with it is unbelievable!
My ex-wife always put a big smile on her face every time she hurt me because I pointed it out to her so she did it every single time and according to her it was my imagination because she knew it bothered me that’s what they do they can literally upset you with a single look or a single phrase and that’s what they want they make it literally impossible for you to be around them or function with them in life and then they say that there’s something wrong with you as if you were supposed to except the fact that your emotions and your thoughts mean nothing to the world
Not sure if my spouse is a narcissist or if alcohol just causes a chemical imbalance 😢 Either way it’s toxic and I’m getting free starting today 10/22/20 🙌
Hi Darnaisha. I've lived w/ both an alcoholic & a Malignant Narcissist. The Narcissist would not need to be inebriated to perform their dirty deeds regarding emotional or physical abuse & it actually may hinder their performance. Stay strong.
All power to you, doll. One of the best decisions you will ever make in your life, I promise!!! 4 years no contact and feeling better than ever.
Yayyyyyyy ❤️❤️❤️👟👟👟
Whatever is the reason, it’s how it impacts on you. Run for freedom
Alcohol causes many changes in the body including the brain and behavior. If abusive and narcissistic traits are coming out while he inebriated, RUN! They were underlying to begin with. You deserve peace
I’ve noticed these type of people will suffocate the air you breathe. #13- They don’t like your freedom.
Hope..that us too bad for them
When I read a multi-page e-mail from a narc I roomed with for a while, I never felt so much that the life was being drained out of me. I didn't even know how to breathe air correctly, according to them.
Dr. Carter, no one can light a candle to you in wisdom and teaching skills.
Deepest gratitude.
Thanks so much. Dr. C
Proverbs 28:1
The wicked man fleeth, when no man pursueth: but the just, bold as a lion, shall be without dread.
The narcissist fulfills their own prophecy about potential rejection. Masochistic and sadistic at the same time. Creepy stuff. And we are the ones who get to bring it out into the light.
Not everyone who was abused as a child, becomes a narcissist. Some learn empathy for others who suffer or develop a sharp sense of humor to deal with the pain. Narcissists pick up the habit of abusing others to make themselves feel superior. Other people become a stand in for those who used to abuse them. That's my guess.
Typical narcissist reply your comment. I did not see an effort to become "king shit" in any way.
Moreover I appreciate the connection between having been abused and developing empathy. They may or may not be related. A person might have deep empathy regardless of abuse. It will an interesting study.
I see a pattern of psychopath in empathy as well like "Timothy McVeigh" the over sensitive "hero" gonna do something bout it...this therapists is probing..what are they looking for that lady is kinda lika new age narcissist but she's just hamming it up...so they looking for vigilantes?...makes sense...wonder how many FBI profilers are paying attention? Maybe none like who cares?🤷 Or presidential elections coming up looking for more potential vigilantes? What would seek counciling? Why are they playing"good cop bad cop"? With the new age lady? Weirdos..🤷
@Glynna Schmehl 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤘🤘🤘 he's trying to help...I think?..maybe..
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 I think it has to do with a multitude of things. Empathy does not naturally come out of being abused. Maybe if they had intervention or saw that others were caring about them or their circumstances and also the persons innate make up.
Yeah, I'm steering this toward innate makeup.
Narcissists believe they are in the sharp focus of everyone, and it is paramount that they are seen as flawless.
“You are just the person their problem is revealed with.” Dr.C. That’s so profound! I will always remember that when they try to tear down my character that I know is built on solid ground.
Exactly! It's hard to realize it was never about us.
This is a very important thing to realize. You have to have the courage and peace of mind to live your life in a healthy way without manipulation from the narcissist. The best thing is to leave the narcissist to survive on their own.
I grabbed onto that line as well. As the NARCs wife, of course I’m going to be a central person with which his narcissism is revealed and plays out. But I see it unfolding with many others he must communicate with. Just the other day he delighted to me that he had basically invalidated one of his own siblings on a group sibling text. While most of the siblings were congratulating their youngest sister on a home improvement project, he (solely) injected doubt upon her execution of the repair. When I pointed out that he had invalidated her in front of their siblings, he just blinked at me. He had been caught by me! He put it off as joking. They always do! So the narcissism was revealed with yet another family member, another victim. She had done him no wrong. But he has to be the expert and the center of attention. He will never change. He has no clue, no insight, nor self awareness of how he comes across, no empathy either. I’m so glad for Dr. Carters channel. This weekly channel gives support to so many!
I was abused throughout my childhood and nearly had a nervous breakdown. I am kind and compassionate to others. My brother could do no wrong and was treated as the golden child. He is a narcissistic and scary and ruined.
Same here...its 50/50 in my life. My sibling always got away with everything because of juvenile diabetes. I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused because of their lies. I block this person in adulthood.
Apart from defensive attitude, narcissists i noticed they also have black and white thinking.
Insecurity? Terror of being “found out” to be a loser (whether true or not)?
Very close! Dr. C
@ She Wheels, I believe this is when mine gave up! He knew that I knew the truth. He is a mess and now I know it!
@@bogdanlazar3278 You sound NOTHING like a narcissist, they never admit fault or responsibility. You sound like an honest person who has great compassion for others. Please don't be hard on yourself!
Bogdan Lazar Yes, but people who have this disorder...they work very hard at hiding it AND, more to the point, they seem to resolve this by hurting and taking from others in order to feel better about themselves. While you wish others well (in spite of how you feel about yourself), they wish others harm, in order to feel good about themselves. There’s a difference.
And if you don’t mind me rattling on about one more point...I think it’s our own sense of low esteem that attracts them to us in the first place. If only we could see how great we are, as we are, and see ourselves as God sees us, maybe we wouldn’t attract these monsters into our lives, to mirror our lack of self-esteem.
Anyway, thanks for your comment. Cheers.
Feel Good Generation X That’s not always what they feel though.
My narcissist father ignored all of his children except one, and she developed NPD too. They were like twins, all the standard negative traits with alcoholism and obesity thrown in. I'm grateful that I escaped that family without bigger problems of my own.
I believe he gravitated to this child because he recognised the same characteristics that he had. So glad you escaped.
My guess is deep-rooted shame. There’s nothing and no one inside and they know that deep down. It’s an empty black hole. They hate themselves for it. Could be envy too.
You're very close. Dr. C
The shame makes them envious of people who actually like themselves.
I say: a damaged ego which results in low self esteem. And as a narcissist they are driven by their ego/emotional feelings that supersede everything and everyone in their chaotic lives.
@ christar, an empty black hole, I love that!
My narcissist couldn't stand it if someone could do something he couldn't do. Envy definitely played a role in his constant, brewing anger. He belittled my son for "wasting his time" drawing (he started drawing at age two, he was in the gifted and talented program at school because of his talent). I used to be an artist too, I was working as a graphic artist at a printing company when he met me, but my passion was sewing original designs. I was good enough that I went to work for a custom couture fashion designer in Dallas when I was only 19, who taught me even more.
It infuriated him when he saw me sewing or doing anything he called "arts and crap", so I gave it up, for 17 years! He left me 5 years ago (he moved back in with his 3rd wife, who he never stopped screwing during our 15 year marriage), we've been divorced 2 years (he dragged the divorce out 3 years to hurt me more), but I'm just now starting to live MY life again. I spent 4 days in a mental hospital 3 years ago, mostly because he kept telling me to kill myself, and that I'm the biggest "loser" that ever lived.
I had decided that I would wait for the train that comes by every night @ 7:00 and I would throw myself under the wheels and end my pain. A very astute psychologist talked to me on the phone and heard all the warning signs, mostly because I was too happy all the sudden because I "had a plan". I'm so grateful to him for saving my life. I'd lost all hope. My ex would have gotten such a big laugh out of my suicide, and he wouldn't be paying me alimony now.
Because of his extreme cruelty, the judge awarded me the ranch AND enough alimony to pay the mortgage and taxes. It's a "no-fault" state, but my attorney told me that in extreme abuse cases, the judge will listen and not force a couple to split 50-50. This ranch and my darling goats are my very heart, so I didn't want to lose it. After it was done, she told me she was writing a book about her years as a divorce attorney, and I might get my own chapter! Ha. How about a discount, then?
Of course, he can't be alone for five minutes, so he remarried probably before the ink was dry on our divorce. He dumped poor #3 wife (AGAIN!) when he found "something better". I wonder if the poor new woman knows she's #5 wife? I'm sure she has money. That was the ONLY reason he married me; I'd recently inherited about $300,000 when we met. It's mostly gone now, he spent it on toys for himself like motorcycles he rode once, a boat we never used (he gave it to his "flying monkey" bitch of a daughter).
I don't know if I will ever heal enough to try dating again, but I know I won't fall for the narcissistic bullshit ever again! Thank you for teaching us who've been hurt by narcs, our dear Dr. Carter, because I now know it wasn't just me who "failed" our marriage.
About a year after he left me, he sent me an angry email because he had been stalking my CZcams channel and he saw my playlist of YOUR videos. He was livid! "I AM NOT a narcissist!" he ranted. Hmmmmm, so you just assumed it was about you? It's just a playlist, I also have others, but sounds like someone was feeling a bit convicted? Pretty funny!
I hope he's enjoyed seeing the happy videos I've posted more recently of my sweet baby goats and my darling border collie, Joey. I didn't post those for him, of course, but you know how they are. I'm sure hearing my happy voice gets under his skin. Oh well!
I'd say fear of pretty much everything that belongs in the real world.
Yes! Exactly!
So, the paranoid list:
1. Inability to become open and self-disclosing.
(Check)
2. Broad distrust of others, usually without solid evidence.
3. Hypersensitivity to cues of rejection. (Check, really big for vulnerable/covert narcs)
4. Presumptions of persecution and being judged. (Check)
5. Deeply offended when ignored. (Check)
6. Disdain toward others’ gains.
7. Exaggerated self-focus, especially within groups.
8. Unnecessary negative interpretations of differences. (Check)
9. “Needs” an enemy. Thinks in “us versus them” terms. (Check)
10. Threatened when others are successfully attached to key people.
11. Absolutely cannot admit mistakes, flaws. (Check)
12. Strong need to be in control. (Double check)
13. Scorekeeping about being wronged. (Check)
14. Insatiable need for reassurance. (Double check, 24/7 need for validation)
15. Being secretive.
16. Assuming negative motives when someone chooses to differ. (Check)
17. Absurdly defensive. (Check)
18. Chronic undertow of tension, agitated emotions. (Double check)
19. Dread of feeling powerless or irrelevant. (Check)
20. Cannot, will not, be subordinated to anyone. (Check)
So... 15 out of 20 for my ex-GF with others applicable to a degree. What a lovely person to be around.
Ugh! Dr. C
Omg my husband scored 13. Am stonewalling him right now to get dome space and boundaries. Am done and now trying to find myself and a way out. Have kids who can see something is not right between us. Difficult situation but clear decision on what needs to be done.
Mine is 12 . I’m a 3
@@georginafronda496 I’m beginning to detach also as mine is 12 score. Just had one of those awful attempts to try and communicate my hurt at his constant invalidation or avoidance or angry response to me trying to tell him how I feel about us/ things he does etc . Round and round with no warmth or attempt at understanding . They have no desire to really try understand you or show you compassion, they act like it’s a war , or a simple discussion about feelings. Drives you crazy if you let it.
I meant ‘ like it’s a war not a simple discussion of feelings ‘
my husband had more than 15 of these traits . . no wonder I was so confused and depressed/without a descriptive way to tell others why
Yes or questioning every move you make that is me right now
@@eec526 questioning the partners every move usually comes from them doing things they shouldn't be doing . . . in my case I found out later that he was having affairs with other women . . .he would also be seething with anger when he would come home early and find my brother visiting me . .
Whenever my covert narc adult son would phone me; his covert narc wife would make sure that he was on speaker phone. I did not know that at the beginning and when I would give my greetings to him to give to her she would speak up. I guess she thought I was going to say something negative about her and that is why she made sure hat he had the phone on speaker when talking to me. I am glad not to have to deal with any more of the paranoia or other narc games since they have permanently discarded me. They can now just play games on each other.
Another helpful tip: Go run!:) When you run, all bs goes out the window. Exercise in general helps so much. It's a very helpful tool for breaking the cycle of negative thought, where it isn't even considered, and you'll focus on what truly matters the most. They say (in relation to neurology), "what fires together wires together" and over time your mind will find new and healthier pathways. It takes incredible effort sometimes, but it's one of the best things we can do for ourselves. It works every time, 100% of the time. Have fun with it, and treat it like you're doing yourself a huge favour. Be a warrior!>:) The chances are, you're here because you're on a better path in life, and this is something that's really helped me a lot. I wish you all the best in your journey of peace
Yes I found working out helps so much ... Keeping my mind clear from all the crazy..
R
@@eec5265y
Yes! There is research that exercise speeds the development of new neural pathways! I’m not a scientist so I don’t remember the names of the chemicals or whatever, but it’s real!
Chair exercises anyone? Creak.
Yes yes yes he scored a full 20
You forgot the silent treatment, gas lighting & outright rage!
An incredible under the microscope understanding of what it's really like living, breathing with a narcissist in your life. Unbelievably accurate. Thank you once again Dr Carter.
“You are just the person that their problem is revealed with.”
That one really hit home with my MIL.
What does that mean? I can't wrap my head around it. I am going through the narc thing and I am trying to understand it.
@@mov1ngforward it means that you are not the problem. The narc is. You just reveal their issues.
I would say that the root is selfishness.
I would add insane jealousy.
They are always busy keeping their mask up. It takes a lot of time and energy.
Yes
"Rather sad to realize..."
That's an understatement. It flat out sucks.
Our daughter hit 17 out of 18 ! WOW!!!! Glad we stopped all contact. God help her adult kids and husband and his extended to family.
Ppd just adds to the "you done me wrong" attitude! Know what you dealing with and don't offer up information , they will use it against you in the future. And make up reasons why your behavior was so wrong. Which shows us that they judge themselves harshly but will never tell you that. They will develop some skewed rationalization of why things occur.
Although I empathise with the origins of narcs behaviour ... unless you’ve been on the receiving end of a narc, no matter how cruel life has treated them... they will bear all that hurt down on you, no matter how kind you are to them... they simply don’t understand right and wrong . ... I personally choose no contact and that’s not because I don’t care but I have no trust whatsoever in the personality 😢
So true, especially this..."they will bear all that hurt down on you, no matter how kind you are to them..."
You are so on it, like white on rice!! Being kind to a Narc is like kryptonite to them, it’s like they hate your kindness, cause they don’t have the capacity to be kind or have real empathy. I tried to be ever so kind to a close friend who was going thru tough times, showed compassion for over 3 years or so and she hated me the more. Gave, and gave and gave. I wanted to hang in there but I had to walk away. It’s like trying to save someone who is drowning and can’t swim, unless you knock them out they will eventually pull you under and you go from Hero to Victim!!😢
Their personality wears you out.
Lynn..they know just what they are doing!!!! It takes alot to plan,defraud, manipulate, scheme,triangulate,fabricate....when will people wake up to the reality that there are people who chose the dark path. In is simply EVIL. Period.
20/20 no exaggeration!
That's why they're so shifty.
It all stems from their insecurities, which is then projected on to you.
Because nothing is their fault.
This is my mum all over and she thinks that she is still in the right even when it's blatantly clear that she is wrong.
Yes, my mother was a variation on that, she was simply born into the world knowing everything. Anything esoteric, religious, or philosophical was "kooky".
They are clearly crazy, I think
My Narcissistic Mother scores 20 out of 20 and it was hell on earth all my life and the life of my siblings and others. Just plain horror.
Narc: i just called to say i miss you.
You: you haven’t called me in weeks and now all of a sudden you miss me?
Narc: i just can’t do anything right for you, can i?!
(nope)
SMH. Dr. C
There is no humor in the hurt received, finally realizing there will never be enough love to heal them.
My parents wound rather die than admit their mistakes or apologize.
I wish you managed to shake off that shame they must have projected onto you. None of it was actually yours...
Oh yeah... I know what u mean.... its hell!!😊
Perfect description of the person my daughter was married to for 14 years. What a creep he is.
My primary client...a child psychologist practicing for 28 years, no less...is one of the most narcissistic individuals I've encountered in a long time. I talk about narcissists and narcissism to her almost everyday, and now when she catches herself displaying narcissistic traits, she is quick to tell me "I'm joking" or the next day she will apologize to me, which I appreciate, as it seems genuine. She really tries to keep it in check around me, probably for fear of being judged by me, but I do give her credit for really trying. That said, when someone triggers her insecurity (by what she considers making her feel unimportant or not deserving of special treatment), she can quickly become sadistic and anyone around her...even her adult golden child...can instantly become a target.
Psychologists should be REQUIRED to undergo significant personality testing before they can be licensed and, even then, I believe those who score high in narcissistic traits should be limited to treating other narcissists (but they should also be protected from sociopaths and psychopaths because narcissists are so very easy to manipulate through flattery).
When I think of the considerable DAMAGE highly narcissistic psychologists and psychiatrists can do to others, I think it should be considered malpractice, and I don't say that flippantly or sarcastically.
Just yesterday I was at her home office going over some documents and a tiny brown feather came out of one of her down decorative pillows, and she exclaimed, "that's duck down and we don't use duck down in this home, we only use white goose down", and I looked at her with total disbelief that such a ridiculous statement could come out of her mouth, she begin to laugh a little and said, "I'm joking". It was such a brief narcissistic injury that a tiny piece of duck down came out of one of her pillows. The horror!
Lol. Geez. I thought I had problems. Lol. Goodness. Hey she’s fun. Keeps you in your toes. Just hope your smarter than her and she knows it.
So she is your client now? Did you tell her, she is an narcisst?
My ex, who has many narcissistic traits, is also a clinical counselor. He is into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. All head stuff, no heart or emotions. His prominent behaviors are being secretive and no apologies. If he does apologize it is generic and like a kid’s. Begrudgingly and not specific. I empathize with the addict trying to get sober. I want to contact him. Maybe there is one more thing that can be done and his heart will bloom. My dilemma is how can they not see what is happening. So sad. Thank you for sharing
These people go into psychology I believe because they know something is wrong with them and either want to find out what or want to stop others finding out about them. It’s hiding in plain sight and it’s despicable because they are in fact in charge of a vulnerable persons well being at that moment. I have suffered like this when the councillor turned all my Ex Narcs behaviour onto me. I half knew what he was doing but it was still a shock since I’d set all my store on finding help
le th Question, I know a narcissist (1 word to describe him: clueless) dating a psy/sociopath (1 word to describe her: puppet master)
Do you think their relationship can/will survive?
She cheats and lies to him and continues to do so (manipulation) and I believe he cheats too.
It is a very toxic relationship, held up only by deceit and manipulation fabricated as trust and love.
I have heard they are planning on getting married next year.
Will such a toxic couple last?
All of them applied...
But...#10 He would get so jealous of my relationships with my niece, nephews & grand-nieces/nephew. He hid his jealously well, for awhile. I slowly started hearing "why are they here all the time?" "He/she needs to go home." I told him, I will take whatever time I can spend with them, one of these days they will be all grown up and have other priorities, their Aunt not being as high on the list. He even ADMITTED it to my mom one day when he had a little much to drink, that he is jealous of them!! 😲 I don't think it was the fact he wasnt getting attention, but the fact they loved me and they loved me more than him. So many red flags now I know what the red flags look like. Such a shame smh
They’re not happy with what they have. They see us happy with what we have and they think if they take that from us it will make them happy … which of course, doesn’t. They don’t understand and get frustrated and angry and keep taking more and more…… 😡
Umm yes he took what I love away from me but he will never know I won't let him have that satisfaction we had a beautiful house and I've always wanted a swimming pool and I got one and I bought him a shop but he made me up and leave it all behind because of his gaslighting and emotionally and mentally abusive ways
Yes!! He (my narc husband) was so envious, jealous of his best friend.(I'll refer to the bf as M) Now looking back, he was so obsessed and needed M's attention, always wanting to hang out or be at his house, constantly calling/texting, always intruding in on his daily life and his projects. M was always a quiet, laid back guy and was a pushover, big time! M is also VERY intelligent, could build, fix anything from machinery to building houses! One of those kinds that can take something apart figure out the issue, fix it and put it back together in no time. He wanted to "BE" M, wanted his traits, Personality & intelligence. I watched him love bomb M for years. (Now that I know that's a thing & that's what its called and they do it to anyone, not just love interests) Then, things changed. My husband started laying it on thick towards M's family- his wife & kids. We've known this couple since high school and the wife & my husband are related, but they never got along, pretty much couldn't stand each other. He hated her cause she was a loud mouth, nagging, controlling Hitler towards anyone & everyone but especially towards her husband, M. She hated my hub cause he is a huge alcoholic (so is M, but not the the extreme of my hub), always trying to get M to go drinking here or there, run around and getting him out of the house & away from her, a "bad influence". Last year there was a huge change. My hub (E) was at their place more than EVER! Half the time was stopping there directly from work, not coming home beforehand. E was hanging out in the house instead of the garage like usual. The wife was having parties everytime I turned around. It was just their little cult, M, E, wifey, her son and his teenage friends. M never stayed up late, he always was asleep by 9p which we use to give him a hard time about 😂 I was an afterthought, he would hardly talk to me, answer my texts or calls. He was staying there til it was time to go to bed so I was hardly able to see him, let alone spend time with him. He was stonewalling me, giving the silent treatment and being nasty towards me. Of course my suspicions were high. What are you doing staying there so late when I know M is already sleeping? "Oh, I'm hanging out with the son & his friends" The wife (T) would buy these boys beer all the time, even when they were in high school!!! I didn't think a 40 yr old man hanging out & spending so much time with teenagers, drinking, is very appropriate?! She gave me hell for that!! I called her & my hub (E) OUT!! Their attitude and body language changed drastically towards each other! I saw on phone records how much they were texting/calling each other!!! It was INSANE!!! All day long!! I was accusing them of something going on. Of course, they gas lighted, denied, said I was crazy jealous for thinking that, & deflected. That they are cousins and I was sick and psycho for implying this nonsense. Even the son was disgusted that I was claiming this! He is just his mothers little puppet, a flying monkey! So, in the end, I moved out, T got her hub M arrested and an order to stay off the property and filed for divorce. My husband was in her bed the very same night after M got arrested and has been there since!! My sociopath for a husband was so envious & jealous of his bf, that since he couldn't be M, he just stole his life instead! Stole his wife, kids, house. It was surreal, twisted, disgusting and humiliating. He discarded me in such a cruel, embarrassing & evil way. Even physically assaulted me a few times during this time. Spit in my face many, many times, strangled me 3 times. His new "son" watched him hold me by my neck up against the wall & then push me out of our camper. Narcissist's flock together I guess. They will do, say, lie, cheat, deceive, steal any & everything they can to gain or attain their goals and aim's. They will pull the rug from underneath you and completely destroy everything someone else has worked all their life for. They don't want to work for a good life, they want everyone else to do the labor and they steal & enjoy the fruits. And they get away with it, EVERYTIME!
@@pisces_chick2511 What you have been through is just horrendous ! I cannot even imagine what it’s been like for you ! I pray that you will be alright and come out of this stronger and at peace. Thank God for Dr. C. who explains everything about these poor, miserable, morally bankrupt human beings. ❤️
@@kathymoonier1687 That is so sad for you but tragic for him because he will never be fulfilled… he is living every moment with a gaping, painful hole in his heart. ❤️
Both of our mothers were narcissistic. My mother was totally overt. She didn’t care about how she made anyone feel. She was extremely mean and cold, very messy and combative. She would get so mad at my sister and I and tell us she’d fight us like we were just another woman on the street! I was always shocked and confused about her behavior. It made me very scared snd I did my best to stay away from her. Even when I married and moved away from her she still caused problems for me. His mother wants everyone to think she is nice snd sweet and a great mother. She is extremely pretentious! She buys expensive things to try to keep up with people who can honestly afford these things. She’s all about the look! He now goes along with that. He treats her like she’s never done anything wrong snd she has been a complete terror in our marriage! She’s put me down, gossip about me snd my kids, she’s told my youngest daughter she had a crooked smile snd made her cry! And he acts like none of these things ever happened!! These videos really have helped me to be strong and grow and understand what I’ve been dealing with. It’s not about helping them. It’s more about my mental health and peace. Thank you
Just at the moment when I am typing this I am praying for you. More strength, courage and God's love to you.
Phew, ok I’m definitely not a narc!! The projection of the narc really messed me up questioning myself! Thank you Dr. C!
UK 🇬🇧 here. Thanks for everything Doc. You help thousands globally and we really do appreciate it
Much appreciated! Dr. C
So many preachers are like this.
OMG, this is exactly what I've been dealing with. Whenever I do anything that is "off script" or "off agenda", it's interpreted as some kind of threat. They think that you have some kind of ulterior motive. However, whenever they do something "kind", there's always something in the undertow. This also explains why they get stuck. And it's also what's driving the scorekeeping behavior - everything to them is a transaction. Sadly a gift is not a gift, even an a gesture of goodwill is not a gesture of goodwill. We're supposed to be "indebted" to them however not the other way around. Now I understand why you put more focus on encouraging the people who've been affected by these behaviors instead of trying to help the perpetrators.
So true... It was my bday and you know what he got mad at something I said and he's kept my bday gifts in his closet... In my mind those gifts are not worth it ....
The mind of a narcissist is perverted and twysted beyond belief. They don't make sense
But will get very angry with you if you can't understand their lack of sense and flat out
stupidity.
Dr. C, you clearly know exactly what many of us have been on the receiving end of... You are a true expert in the field! Thank you for your clarity, insight and understanding! God bless you!
Not surprisingly, my covert narcissistic husband's score is 19/20 & beyond! As an empathic, nurturing person I've exhausted myself in every aspect trying to hold this guy up! Absolutely NO change in his ways no matter what I say or do. I pity him. But I also feel bad that I've tried as long as I have. Time to take my newly developed boundaries and move on to a healthier lifestyle!!!
Beverly Orlando, you deserve a better man
I know a guy who pretends to be a Major in the British Army special forces and he shows all the signs of narcissism.
@Mary Carroll That's ok. But lying to your wife and family about being a fake army major in British intelligence is something of a fruit cake gone mad.
Truth...I have finally learned not to partake in their games......Hence I travel alone.....
I travel alone too. I’m a Narcissists magnet whether it’s a male or a female.
Sue Wood, you deserve a better man not a narcissist!
😆 I find it funny that narcs try to come off so smart & intelligent, but they're really dumb. The narcs in my family, keep playing the same tactics from their playbook. Once you figure their game out, it's game over. You learn how to block,side step & counter. They are nothing but immature, jr high minded adults.
She said, over and over, "I'm trying to PROTECT our relationship!" ... from what or whom, I had to wonder. Herself, it turned out.
Thank you for helping me understand my narcissistic mother and narcissistic oldest sister. They’ve both been dead for years, but I’m still overwhelmed by the hatred I feel for them and have been completely unable to even begin to “forgive and forget”. I want to understand them only because I want to forget them and not dwell on the outrageous unfairness and pain they caused me. It was always incomprehensible to receive so much blame, hostility and pain from the people who theoretically “loved” me. Thank you, this has been instructive, and helps explain why Carol had no tolerance whatsoever for humor or any unconventional ideas.
That was so helpful. Your ending, saying we are a player on the stage, but not the problem, even though the narc wants you to think you are the problem is very freeing, thank you for that, I needed to hear that.
that day, i was having a casual chat with my sis about other stuffs(totally not about this narc's gossip) and then suddenly the narc came out from the kitchen still wearing her apron and a knife on her hand, pointing at us and said 'i never said that', ' i never bad mouth you' etc. we had to convince her that we are not talking about her..lol. shows how paranoid they are.
The narc at my job is simply delusional. Once I started treating him as though his ideas weren't valid, he quit trying to dominate me. Now, I just basically ignore anything but what is needed to get my job done and proceed as though my processes are correct. Works.
That part at the end is so good to be reminded of. The storm you experience with a narcissist is not about you. You're just the person who happens to be revealing who they are. It's nice to hear that even after getting wise to their schemes, because they put such incredible effort into convincing you of the opposite! I'm glad this narcissistic mentality is so hard for me to wrap my brain around. I'll take that as an indicator I'm nothing like them. It's sad and disturbing that people adopt such a hellish perspective of the world.
You're point on!
Lack of empathy
Big time!
You have helped me understand my husband. I have power now to not enter or become a supply for him. I feel more relaxed in our relationship. Thankyou a million times. I will continue to watch you u tube and become stronger. I wish I found you earlier. Very glad I have found you.
My ex narc would often tell me “ I Can’t give you what I don’t have!!!!,,,,,, Bingo !!!!!
Exactly! Dr. C
I'm surprised that they knew enough to say that. Why is it they think they are the best at everything until you need support? Mine says I'm not good at that. What a lame thing to say!! Thats like me saying, I'm not good at cooking. Which I'm not, because I have no real interest in it. If I did, I could try to excel at it!!! So what he's really saying is I have no interest at becoming better at it, I dont care enough about you & it might involve me giving into you somehow & that's never going to happen!!
Yes he knew exactly what he was about !!,,,
I would tell my NMom you are just not nuturing. She said well if you dont have it you dont have it. Exactly.
Mine says ‘ I’m not very good at relationships, I don’t understand what you want , it’s all so complicated’ 🙄
These people are a real trip. It's like "what in the world is wrong with YOU?" I always knew my Mom was a mess and something made me know she was sick, but I never had a real name for it until I started listening to you. Thank you and now I just think it is astounding and sad. I hate it for her and I certainly hate it for me.
For about 17 of those traits, you were describing my Narc EX. (Two years NO CONTACT!)
I ticked quite a few on that list myself. People use to say to me that I was my own worst enemy and I didn't understand at the time. I try to avoid toxic people and situations, however I can't avoid myself.
Lucky to have some stead, consistent and stable people I can check things out with.
Their paranoia also leads them to suspect others are plotting against them, especially say like if the narcissist comes across two people talking (say like at work). Being self-centered, he/she will suspect that they are talking about HIM/HER and that this can't be good. Another thing their paranoia leads them to is preemptive behavior - they suspect others are planning to do bad things to them so they do it to others. Here is an excellent example of this: someone told me the story of looking at a housemate's car because a window was down and they were concerned for the safety of their housemate's car. The owner of the car saw this person looking but suspected that they were up to no good and so damaged this person's car when they weren't around.
Omg, 20 out of 20! Blaming others for their wrongdoings is terrible! Many people just don't believe that they are so dysfunctional!
Are narcissists ever capable of showing remorse or empathy? I haven’t always treated people right but every time I say or do something that might hurt someone, accident or not, I feel horrible deep down inside knowing that I hurt someone
Yes are they able to do that
Wow! Wish I would have known this 20 years ago. Would have saved myself and my kids from a lot of pain.
Knowledge is power. Little knowledge is dangerous.
It sounds like you’re talking specifically about my parents. They’ve always taught me to care about what other people think and that everything that goes on behind closed doors should be kept private. They’ve always been extremely paranoid of anyone that doesn’t agree with them. It’s an “us vs them” mentality and I hate it with a passion
🎯
Good lord, yes. The other day my narc was looking for some boxes on a shelf. I can just barely reach the bottom of this shelf. The boxes weren’t up there and she asked me if I moved or touched them, in this *affronted* voice.
I haven’t fooled with her mountain of junk in the 5.5 years we been living together cuz I know it would be a theatre up in here if I did but yeah I got a stepladder so I can reach them while the junk under them is still there and in the way. I almost broke my neck moving them for no reason geez 🙄
Edit: Spoiler: it was the HVAC man, that devil 😈, which she figured out all by herself
Disgusting behaviour is not impressive and when you identify someone with Narc traits, value your time and energy.🚶🏽♀️ Life is too short!💖x
It's a mental disorder! Their radiate toxic-animosity!
some people aren't happy unless they're unhappy...
For years I thought what is wrong with me that I has to endure this narc and sadly I didn’t have the knowledge. I now realized my mom was a narc too. I am thankful for the information it has made me gain insight and strength that I can survive this relationship. I have to always be on guard. For a long time I thought I was the problem. Now I know I am not the problem, but fear I might develop some of the narc behaviors. I lost my ability to trust and always thinks what is he up too now.
You cant talk to them. They want to be in control 100%. Defnitely 20/20.
My definition of narcissism is making ego protection their top psychological priority.
I've thought for some time that maternal deprivation is the cause for narcissism.
The people I've known to be this way all had issues of neglect or abuse or abandonment.
Some were spoiled to the point of obsession which is just as damaging.
They are damaged people, that doesn't give them the right to damage me.
Thats because their own motives are wrong but you know in their mind thats okay for them but not for you.
Wrong is wrong!
Dr C I am dealing with a narcissist ex husband whom I divorced 2 years ago and with whom I parallel parent my daughter. I only recently through your videos was finally able to identify what I was dealing with while I was with him. It as narcissism. And every video validates my experience with him. I watch your videos everyday and esp on days when I have to cross paths with him because your videos keep reminding me who he is and your videos better equip me to respond, deal with him while helping me keep my sanity. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this video.
As a man..who has endured two years of marriage from an emotionally abusive woman, (who is by definition a covert narcissist)..it comes as no surprise that any abuse..from anyone..is crippling..and should not be tolerated. Unfortunately..most people do not speak out enough. I was one of those people..until recently..and now willing to share my own story.
Dr. C could you talk about what happens when you & others start to “see behind the curtain “ and realize the truth. My experience is that rage begins to show up.
I have used that analogy lately also to me understanding the power of words has been paramount cause once you know what to call it then you see it for what it is.
@@Roseredeemed 🎯
Again, so true Dr. C. I’ve seen all these traits! I recently had a conversation with this person and he jokingly talked about how his mother hit him all the time when he was growing up. He said she made him do things from the time he got out of bed til the time he went to sleep. He said as a child she would have him going back snd forth to the store 6 or 7 times a day... walking! And he couldn’t complain or offer advice. I never knew this. His mother comes across like she was such a great mother and spoiled her kids! She doesn’t let on how abusive she was to him. And he just acts like it wasn’t that bad. Now I can clearly see how the narcissism was established.
Envy and/or jealousy seems to be a trait I've seen in my interactions with narcissist. Disgustingly so. Thank you for this free help! It has helped me so much
I cannot believe you have discribed my husband to a T. WOW, I thank you for your list of information.
...even animals seem to be able to recover from extreme abuse, to show affection. So..? Excellent piece, as ever. Thank you!
Dealing with a paranoid narcissist is so hard.
In my experience, such a person activates my paranoia 100%
It's like a spell. Bom! I'm thrown into the paranoid zone and I respond by getting paranoid..
I don't think it's strange that this happens though.
Narcs tend to infect you, right? Some of their craziness rubs off on you..
Dealing with a paranoid nutjob who has a weird secret agenda, will never be easy or painless..
Once you understand the central issue (the other persons paranoia) it gets easier ...
Oh dear, I'm soooo happy that I don't deal with narcs anymore :)
I say it a lot, I know, but your videos really have, and do make, such a positive impact in my life as I deal with my narcissistic family. I just can’t thank you enough Dr. C.
Thanks again, Lulu! Dr. C
My narcissistic family member is a hollow shell, lobbing onto anything external they perceive as a ego hit. Every conversation and interaction is an opportunity for conflict. One min. they say green the next min it is brown... the level of seeking approval and validation is astonishing!
For a year & a half I was in a relationship,I started to check out info about narcissistic traits,& I realized I had to get out of the relationship in order to save myself,I had to stop the rollercoaster of emotional abuse,the gaslighting, lies,manipulating. I ended the relationship,I have blocked him,did what I had to do,I knew it was never going to change,I wanted peace.
Your talks have helped me so much, coming out of a narcissistic family and abusive narcissistic partners and friends. Relearning is difficult but listening to you helps me so much.
Love your voice, love Gus 💞
I had a so called friend who was carrying a grudge for over 20 years because I wasn't around when she called at a specific time..made no sense at the moment...Now that I've realized that I was raised in a
Narcissistic family dynamic.. I'm looking internally to heal my codependeny.. It's a journey to freedom.. Thank you for all your well informed videos.
It's kind of scary reading the comments how many narcissists there are out there and you never really know
I habe just hopped out of the last 2 narc relationships, removed those ticks.
It feels SO GOOD to be free. Man. That relief.... priceless 💖
We can see these things in our abusers, but often, especially if you were a child raised by a narcissist or had an older sibling who was, we can see some of these behaviors in ourselves. This doesn't mean you are a narcissist yourself. We do learn behaviors from our parents/older siblings. Counseling can help us see what is learned vs. what is pathological.
If you were raised with manipulative, controlling parents who would spy on you then realizing you have grown up to have a certain degree of paranoia makes sense.
Spot on, again! I can see this so clearly in my husband of 21 years and together for 25. All about image managemane. So much so that people could see bits of his dysfunction but he faked it so well. Thank you for bringing these characteristics to light.
Oh my goodness...It’s like you actually knew her. Every single one. I just wish they stopped and looked at themselves but unfortunately they aren’t the problem and see you as the one that has issues. I have a sense of want to help people and it’s hard to not help the ones you love. Tried doing nothing it didn’t work. Tried offering person professional help but they actually think they don’t have any problems. They gravitate towards people who will feed their ego and keep feeding off of them. Just wish I didn’t spend so many years under this kind of torture and abuse. I feel so stupid for not walking away and for wanting to pour my heart into helping them and it has left me broken and exhausted. Thank you for these.
I have this guy in my life, we are "friend" now, but were a couple for 2 years. A whole year now being only "friends". He won't leave. I think he has all 20 on the list. He stresses me so much. Besides me having to deal with other problems, this man is making my life a livng hell. I am at this second for already an hour having chest pain.
I took an aspirin.