What Is Self Respect?
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- čas přidán 20. 08. 2024
- Link to the full video - • Should I Text Them Back?
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"you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness for happiness outside of you" got me.
Yup. When you're not afraid to be alone or go without, no one can ever have power over you.
This can be hurtful for both parties. While the dependant person has to suffer with the hunger (because no one is truly going to be "enough" without your own self respect being included), the person who is being depended on to keep the first person happy is now expected to do an impossible job and has to deal with that pressure.
I'm intrigued, what do you mean by "has to do an impossible job"? 🤔 Like fulfilling new expectations or what exactly?
@@claudis.4015 It's impossible to entirely make up for someone's lack of self-respect, no matter how much you love someone. There will always be something missing and there will always be the expectation of having to remind that person how awesome you think they are just to negate their negative feelings about themselves.
What he said. Just came out of a relationship where I could not give what my partner needed. I told him to take responsibility for it, but the the pressure kept coming. Realized I didnt get ny needed i terms of respect for my boundaries and left
@@claudis.4015 it’s the explanation behind the classic saying “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”. It’s just too much weight to maintain your own happiness while also being responsible for your partners.
Life is gonna throw curveballs at you and it’s gonna be up and down emotionally. A relationship is supposed to be give and take, you might be really going through it but your partner is there for you and vice versa. But if you’re always supposed to be there for your partner, nobody’s gonna be there for you when you need it.
You can push through that shit for some time but it’s ultimately an impossible task. I’m watching my cousin push through it right now with his girlfriend - she’s constantly reliant on his affirmation and attention and I can see it wearing on him. It’s obviously not right for me to tell him to break up with her, so I’ve just been trying to explain to him that it’s important for him to hold his own boundaries. It’s possible that she respects the boundaries and figures out the personal development that he can’t do for her, but I’m just worried he’s gonna spend more years of his life with unnecessary stress and weight and god forbid they have kids and she puts that on them :/
Ahh, now I get it! I thought you meant _after_ someone builds up their self-respect. Thanks all for the explanations. :)
I love how there're shorts so I can I now share it to a friend and they may watch the full video (cause sadly when I send them a video they dont usually watch it)
REAL
REAL
After seeing the successful results of practicing Dr.K's insights in my life, I had a phase where I had an unfair expectation that my friends would watch his videos. I used to pro-actively clip specific parts of a vid and share it to them, hoping they would check his long-form content.
It was really a struggle and I just keep getting disappointed. I grieved for a while and learned to accept that some people just prefer focusing on what they want in life instead of focusing on what they need. And I've come to realize that I don't have the right to tell them how they should live their lives and can only offer options. And it has now been a more peaceful life not expecting anymore. Though it's kinda ironic, since I've already let go of the expectation that they would watch Dr.K, but some friends that I cherish are now actually watching his content. Life is funny sometimes.
@@ShenobiYT I totally feel you, I have to go through that process with videos but with shorts (even if I hope my friends would check out the full video after watching a highlight) I am glad at least they have a drop of wisdom 😌. What they do after watching the short and with that information is up to them and I've come to terms with that
yeees actually
Self-respect is living in accordance with your values and keeping your integrity. Self-discipline and self-actualization provide fertile ground for growth.
but those value could become self-destructive if you hold two or more codes that contradicts one another under certain circumstances.
If you believe you should respect your parents yet they abuse you, causing you to run away, without outside interference you might feel guilty for betraying the aforementioned core value.
@@williampan29 that's called dialectic thinking and there is dialectic behavioral therapy to help you with that. Dialectics is when there are two statements that appear contrary but can be true at the same time.
Belief 1: I think parents should be respected
Belief 2: I think being disrespected by parents is hurtful
How you decide to approach an action given these two statements is DBT. A therapist can help you with framing scenarios in this way and working through actions.
@@jacksonmcdonald5443 no that's not what I mean. What I mean is double-bind. If a person has two principles as follow as his core values:
1) You need to obey and respect your parents and their orders.
2) you need to take care of your body and avoid harm.
Having an abusive parents that order you to stay with them, but you choose to run away from them, will achieve the 2nd principle but violate the 1st.
Therefore self respect is not just simply living with your values. It actually requires criticizing the very philosophical value one holds, before having therapy.
@@williampan29 your 2 points you mentioned are a dialectic. You dont need therapy to navigate those. Therapy can support you though.
@@jacksonmcdonald5443 true. Therapy is not necessary. But I also think a person cannot navigate it without other philosophical options. If he is deeply religious and believe life is not as complex as it seems but just a way god test him, thus further put himself in constant self-blaming as a form of disciplining, op's recommendation will turn out to be destructive.
I definitely know people who put all their happiness "eggs" into multiple outside "baskets"; and let me tell you...those people are legit never happy with anything, ever; even when things are going well for them.
That doesn't mean that people who don't rely on outside validation are happy 24/7. But if you become responsible for your own happiness, you find ways of cultivating that within yourself, even during times when life just plain sucks.
Hmmmm... I like that! Thats real!
How do you become responsible for your happiness in big ways and small?
@@xeixi3789 It's kind of difficult to explain, and I think maybe part of that is because the process can be different for everyone.
I'll try my best to explain my process here though, as best I can, and hopefully, you or someone else can glean some useful information out of it.
⚠Disclaimers⚠
I'm not a mental health professional of ANY kind, I'm literally just your average (or below average) person...so do NOT take anything I say as 100% truth.
This is MY personal experience with the topic; as I've already stated...it may not work for everyone.
Finding happiness within yourself does NOT mean that you will be immune to negative emotions, and it doesn't mean (nor do I claim) that this will in any way help or "cure" things like depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses.
…………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………….……………
Okay...here we go.
As far as finding happiness in "big ways" I have no idea...I'm personally a "small joys" kind of person, and rely on small things to sustain my personal happiness.
I think one of the biggest key elements for me, and one of the bigger flaws I see in the previous people I mentioned in my other comments (the ones who are never happy with anything)...Is your ability to let things go.
This doesn't mean you let people treat you like a doormat, or constantly sticking to the old "forgive and forget" motto (I personally don't really believe in "forgive and forget"; there are some things you CAN'T forgive...and some things you will NEVER forget). I mean not being petty when someone inevitably pisses you off.
People who are never happy have a bad habit of taking a minor slighting, and turning it into this huge thing that consumes them with a ridiculous amount of anger, and makes them extremely bitter towards whoever angered them. This habit (from what I have personally witnessed) turns people into petty, bratty, immature assholes; these kinds of people often will then complain to someone outside the situation, instead of communicating and trying to smooth things over with the person they are angry with.
They dump all their energy into focusing on what is pissing them off, instead of trying to figure out how to disperse their anger in a healthy way, or how to resolve the initial conflict.
It's okay to be angry with someone; despise them even. But whether or not you believe in the "forgive and forget" method, the important thing is to be able to MOVE ON. You don't necessarily have to forgive them, but you HAVE to at least try and move past the majority of the anger and/or straight up rage.
You don't even have to let go of ALL the anger, sometimes people do things to you that will still make you mad YEARS down the road. But again, it's important to focus on what you need, to be able to move on with YOUR life, and not let the rage become something that hinders you in the future. For everyone, methods to moving past things (and all the varying degrees of emotion we can feel) looks different. So don't be afraid to analyze what these things are for you.
Once you stop fueling that fire in your belly, you can allow those "flames of rage" to die down, and rediscover peace, emotional balance, and it can clear your mind and make it easier to enjoy the things that make you happy.
Another key element: Focusing on what you can do in the present.
Sometimes life presents situations that are COMPLETELY out of our control, maybe it's something we NEVER had control over, or sometimes it can be a situation where, we already DID our part, and now we have to wait and depend on someone else to do their part before the situation is resolved.
These situations (again, for me personally) are the biggest triggers for stress and anxiety.
As human beings, it's a natural instinct to want to be in control of our environment, we naturally LIKE a say in what happens to us and when...it makes us feel secure. But obviously, life doesn't function like that.
So it is important to try hard to shift your mind towards what you CAN do in the moment. Sometimes that may mean making a phone call, or sending an Email, to make sure that the other people are working on what they need to do to resolve the situation; but sometimes the ball is totally out of your court, and all you can do is try and distract yourself from the stress and anxiety. In circumstances like this, it is important to know, and turn to the the things that bring you joy/fulfillment; hobbies you enjoy, tasks that need to be done, places you can go to help clear your mind.
It's also an opportunity to take care of anything that may be contributing to your stress (if there IS anything/or anything you can do about it). For example: I find that if my living space is messy, it can greatly contribute to my overall stress levels. So if I'm already stressing, and my room needs to be cleaned, or there's dishes that need to be washed, or laundry to be done, I shift my focus to these tasks; not only to relieve extra stress, but also to get my body moving, and focused on what I CAN control. Once your mind shifts off the stress, your mood can equally shift to at least contentment...but also being able to look at a clean space, or progress on an art project, can give you a sense of accomplishment and pride, which can contribute to a feeling of happiness.
Sadness: Like a lot of other people...I deal with depression. This can be one of the most difficult circumstances to "find inner happiness" hell, sometimes it's just not there.
In situations like this, it is important to FEEL all those negative emotions and try to break the habit of constantly trying to push them away or drown them out (I've tried drowning them out in the past...not only does it not work, it has a way of making you focus harder on how shit you feel). Sometimes yes, distractions can help...absolutely; but it can also help if you take the time to be gentle with yourself, and take extra care of yourself.
This can be extremely hard, especially when apathy and fatigue due to mental illness kicks in. But try and shift focus on what you need to feel even the slightest bit better. You may not feel hungry, but it is important to try and eat something, neglecting yourself (especially your basic needs) can make you feel even more miserable, to the point where it almost qualifies as self-abuse. If you can only manage the energy to grab a few crackers or a protein bar, that's okay. But don't be afraid to acknowledge that you deserve more, try to put a little extra effort in for yourself. Reheat some leftovers if you can, so you at least have a hot comforting meal, or make a warm beverage. Sometimes physical warmth can help ease that cold clammy feeling that sadness/isolation can cause (often in the chest or stomach). Change your clothes, even if it's just a clean pair of pajamas (extra points if you put the effort into picking out your favorite pajama combo).
It often feels like "going through the motions" and frankly, it often is. But it might make you feel a little better to treat yourself to more than the bare minimum, until actual happiness becomes achievable again.
I hope you, or anyone else has found this helpful.
A HUGE 'Thank You' to everyone who took the time to read the whole thing.
Wishing y'all the best ❤
@@Panda72021 Nah man, thank you! I really appreciate this detailed explanation. Offered some interesting insights.
@@Panda72021 I notice that you keep going back and forth between making a statement and then taking it back with acknowledging that it can work sometimes, I do that too but I don't know where it comes from, If I had to explain it would probably be to acknowledge the person that will inevitably challenge my ideas. i would honestly say that happiness is not a goal to be achieving, life is extremely depressing and hard I'm sure you know this very well, you are obviously very well versed in the area of suffering and have grown to accept it into your life, I'm with the idea that happiness can only come to you, you cannot come to happiness, and you must accept it gracefully, and when the negative emotions kick in you have to accept them as well which is harder but absolutely needed. I also didn't see much of a description for how to exactly become responsible for your own happiness and while I agree that it differs with people I also think that because it differs with people it has many different definitions to others. But if we are talking about the real definition of happiness, that is something you cannot create, I believe it is given to you. If I had to define how I live my life I would describe it as living according to nature, dont fight what you cant control and focus on what you can, you mentioned something similar like that and I thought it was pretty cool. What living according to nature also means is that I only accept things for what they really are, which can relieve a lot of inner demons as well. You brought up the idea that getting happiness from external factors is not a good idea and I agree with you but for a different reason. I feel that external factors can sometimes be superficial and extremely volatile. For example I wouldnt recommend impulsive purchasing to get that dopamine hit of something new whenever you are sad, however in terms of a different term which I think is fulfillment and love, I don't think theres anything more beautiful than recieving and giving that to somebody. In terms of depression I truly believe that it is a lifelong battle, and it will always return one way or another so there is really never a solution but there is a term that I like to use and its called eudaimonia which is a very deep and nuanced word, but ultimately what it really boils down to is living and doing well, I like to believe that us as humans are made to be imperfect and we are made to make mistakes and experience the whole pie of emotions and life. However one of the hardest things to do when things are rough or even things are well is being a good person and living well, when I broke up with my ex a while ago a lot of terrible things happend, I don't want to go into detail and I dont want to drag them or their name. But what I will say is that I was far from a good and well person, I was honestly an asshole, and I acted terribly for such a long time. I then realized that I was greiving and that I was not going to be happy anytime soon, and the only thing that I can do is work on myself, live well, and be a better person to others. And I did all of those things, it was really hard and it wasnt easy but I did it because I needed to. I allowed myself to feel every single emotion but I tried not to let it dictate my actions, when I was angry I tried not to lash out at people, when I was depressed I tried not to close anyone out. And after 10 months I still think about them and I am still sad, but putting in all that time to be better was something I will always be grateful for, because I would have deeply regreted being a shit person not just to myself but to my friends and family, I'd like to hear your thoughts and if you disagree let me know
this hit my situation in every aspect. i tie my self-value and happiness to people/relationships and when thing are bad/they leave my life, it tends to create a real mess for my wellbeing. as not only the person leaves, my source of worthiness/self-value evaporates too alongside with it.
its a net-negative having this mentality and its something im trying to remove from my day-to-day life.
This fits nicely with the way I feel after I've deliberately approached a social situation I have anxiety about. Social Anxiety Disorder is very much like an addiction to the comfort zone. But when you deliberately seek out the pain, you feel better about yourself! (if you can remain mindful, and not fall into the post event rumination.. fecking difficult!).
I’m currently working through the same issue but with smoking weed. For so long I relied on being high to feel good that I became dependent on it. It’s been almost 6 months and I still don’t know if I can just smoke a blunt on the weekend, I tried twice and fell right back into the same trap and had to go through the whole quitting process. I gotta say that I wouldn’t be where I am right now without therapy, and I’m glad there’s someone online who’s putting these ideas out for free because not everyone is able to get one on one sessions ❤
I think the one event that made me choose my self respect was this high school farewell afterparty where everybody else was invited- even the nerdiest of people- everyone except me. I didn’t beg anybody to invite me. I didn't ask anybody to invite me. Clearly, it still hurts me to this day, that's why I'm writing this after all, but i still have some respect for myself.
Damn how can someone be so Accurate ..Thats exactly Going on in my Life
im addicted to your lecture, it helps me a lot, thank you so so much for your work
Sitting here minding my own business and get smacked in the face with cold hard facts by a Healthy Gamer GG short 🤣 Loving the content lately!
Good loop. It started a line of thinking in me that tied my experiences together in a cohesive way. Also shout out to you for linking the vid. You have no idea how few channels do this.
i decided to not chasing her anymore because i think losing myself in the process and i can say i doesn't feel that hurt like from previous relationship i got before her and im able to really focusing toward my college and gym
Love your clips
Man! I’ve been listening\ watching you for some time now, and I object to zero percent of what you said so far!
You’re on fire my friend👍🏻
Wow, spectacular clip!! I'm not sure if the title is doing it justice. This is more than a lesson on self-respect.
Thank you, Dr. K. Thank you for helping us! I love you, man!
I see you met my ex wife, I tried to take it back and we fell apart. Best thing to happen to me, everyday I’m discovering how to authentically connect with people. It really is hard and painful, but I know it’s working.
Brilliant, as always. While I understand that a youtube short is too short to explain everything, I am really itchy to add my own two thoughts in an attempt to complete the advice Dr. K gives:
Happiness/validation is in my opinion more like a proxy marker for life success. You always need a source of validation from somewhere. So if you take back control, you must make sure to fill that void somehow, i.e. acquiring methods to validate yourself through other means. Working out and gaining muscle that you can measure in the mirror is one way, or improving your time you need for jogging your usual route, or adding one career point on your resume after a year. Be careful to not overdo it however, narcisism is a thing.
I like Jordan Peterson's advice at this point: "Surround yourself with people that want the best for the best parts of you." That way, you may have validation from people who genuinely have your well-being in mind.
When you surrender the control of your "happiness" to other human beings, you become very vulnerable to being jerked around just for the shit of the person playing you.
Self-awareness, self-discipline, it may not be rainbows and sparkly lace, but it can be solid and sustainable.
Doctor Chad speaks facts again
Self respect=self love
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 LOVE THIS!!! 💯💯💯 TY! 💗💗💗
Haha, Dr.K, your doing the good work. Thanks bro.
Embracing the pain to get your power back may come later in life.
If we already can take the hurt inflicted externally by our care takers, society and partners it may take a while before you burn out all that resilience strength.
I had a lot!
It took me decades to burn it out before I exhaustion.
Then I had the expected break down.
And it was during the rebuilding stage that I found self respect and self love.
Hopefully it will be better your you all.
Thank you. I was wondering if you would make some videos about self: self respect, self acceptance, self control, self confidence etc... I know this may not be important to some folks but I'm a nearly 50 year old doormat. It is important to me. I need to a clear picture of myself. I need to know how I'm hurting myself in a controlled manner. So what I'm suggesting is make small videos for each topic so people like me can get their power back. In these videos be you but the definition simplified. Help us fellow doormats gain control over our lives. Thank again and it's just a suggestion.
Such great insights 👌👌
Thank you.
broken down so well
well Im hollow now. and the painful way it true to change my reality. Darren Corb
same
Now, I think my problem is I have too much self-respect.
Very nice short video! :)
"To crush enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women."
Huge
Self respect is not double texting. And not always being the one initiating interaction/conversations.
Finally did this late last year. Didn't send a Marry Christmas text to anyone and I didn't send a Happy New Year text either. There having been some family issues did help with not sending out texts, ngl. And only about a handful of people reached out to me who I ended up responding to.
@Dimitros. thanks for noticing.
I started doing this this past Christmas, so I'm still a little new to it. It's been really difficult not checking up on people that I thought cared about.
i get it. but there are ill people who are addicted to pain. They might say, "*give me pain so i can feel" or "pain is the only truth," or that substitute good feelings with pain entirely.
what would you say to them, whether the pain is coming from the external or internal?
and is another way of saying "self-respect is choosing pain" just "living in the uncomfortableness of truth"?
Banger
For the first time, I am disagreeing with you. Respect or disrespect is a matter of perspective. Love doesn’t come often - just enjoy it
How do we take it back?
It's a lot to put on someone else
Its a choice of discipline.
but how
Let me comment for Recognition
Nothing goes through dr K, you probabbly wrong😂
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch 😭😭😭
Sadly, this is how a lot of husbands survive.
😞
sound liek a sub and dom
Don't be a simp
Or, it comes with stupid blind trust in yourself and you waste 40K on a very, very stupid project that was far too complex to handle as a young couple on their own.
It's been 2 years and I'm still paying bills btw. Sometimes you have good reasons to not trust your damn stupid self and put the decision making in someone else's hands.
Dude go outside and touch grass, your advice is bad
No u
@@Spaghetter813 truly an intellectual giant
@@ricknathburn4167 I acquired this galaxy brain power by touching grass
@@Dimitris_Half yes. Find the nearest external door of the structure you are in, open it, go out doors and interact with some natural element, in this case grass, and reasses your life and choices given that your idea of advice is victim blaming.
Why?