The Science of Speaking Up for Yourself | Elaine Lin Hering | Ten Percent Happier
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- čas přidán 21. 05. 2024
- Elaine Lin Hering teaches us how to find your voice when you need to be heard, learn when it's smart to choose silence, and communicate better with the people who matter most.
Elaine Lin Hering is a former Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. She has served as the Advanced Training Director for the Harvard Mediation Program and a Managing Partner for Triad Consulting Group. She has worked with coal miners at BHP Billiton, micro-finance organizers in East Africa, mental health professionals in China, and senior leadership at the US Department of Commerce. She is the author of the forthcoming book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully.
In this episode we talk about:
- How we learn silence and self-editing
- How we often miscalculate the cost-benefit when it comes to speaking up or staying silent
- Elaine’s four steps to learn how to speak up and find your voice
- How we can unintentionally silence others, especially those closest to us, and what to do about it
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Great voice Elaine. I hope you do audiobooks, voiceovers, radio talk shows with a voice like that.
Yes!
I greatly appreciate this perspective. I'm not a mother, but a more masculine woman. I spent many years of my childhood on a commune; and largely grew up free range; milking cows, killing chickens for dinner, fishing...from a young age.... 4 or 5.....is that perhaps the secret to helping women integrate the values of masculine energy? Just as men would benefit from integrating their feminine. Anima/Animus...all of that. Women need to find their way (for me Buddhist ethics) to find their voice. We're not all the same. We need to sortt that out for ourselves. Meditation saved my life and taught me how to speak up....taught me on an experiential level that my voice is voice....it's my job to use it. I might also suggest that silence is also practice for Buddhists. Again, I defer back to my earlier comment. We're not all the same. Cultivating the habit of valuing your view is radical and compassionate - be vulnerable enough with our partners to risk losing them if we lift our voice (a common deep-rooted and conditioned belief)🙏 Thanks for your continued quality programming and be well!
Thank you for sharing your story.
First you need to recognize that you grew up abusing animals
I appreciate what you expressed here. Thank you!
What about when others want to silence you, but being heard is essential to defending your dignity?
Standing up for yourself, is difficult when you are raised up by two dysfunctional parents. But still , good to hear this prespective.
Thanks for sharing!
What I'm beginning to realize is that it's completely innocuous and even actually virtuous to put others first all the time WHEN my relationship with myself and something bigger than me (the universe, a god, an orientation in life) is intact.
If my inherent spiritual, emotional and physical place has been assaulted, dismantled, especially preverbally, then I have to begin AGAIN and rebuild that knowledge. This means a good deal of putting myself before others, because it's (nearly) impossible to give what I don't have.
*A teacher of mine insists that I can indeed make up my mind to give and then work to get it, or give what I need myself and then go get more.
These lines are challenging, especially when we're drowning in a culture that promotes scarcity mindset, but it is available.
What about when the other person is accustomed to being silenced by others or themselves and doesn't tolerate others expressing themselves?
There are a lot of reasons for silence. There’s the silence we’ve learned to become invisible which isn’t healthy. Although I like flying under the radar it has its advantages. Then there’s the silence that comes with wisdom. There’s speaking up and asking for what you need and then there is just speaking up. I read somewhere and use this checklist -most of time- as a litmus test of when to speak or to be quiet. Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said now? Does this need to be said by me? It definitely helps frame what and when I say things.
What happens when, during a conflict or argument, the other person tries to silence you because they don't want to listen? What about when someone decides to silence themselves because they don't want to face the situation?
I, for one, don't, take, sh!@#. I encourage you to do the same🦾. For me, that means, I speak up, in the moment. Find ways to practice radical self-compassion. Know thyself so that you can show up for others. Develop grit, women - decide you'll will radically communicate in your relationships. Don't stay with and co-regulate with those not beneficial to your ethical values. Make sure you've considered what those values are and don't rely exclusively on some 'other''s view of what those are. 🙏
What an eye-opener this episode is! Dan's last comment is not funny but actually deeply narcissistic and served up as a sarcastic joke. Witness the awkward laughter. I feel so sorry for Bianca.
Probably out of habit, Dan made a flawed bid for connection.
Probably out of habit, Bianca responded with silence (versus, e.g., venturing an imperfect dig in return)
You, the audience, were prompted to judge Dan a narcissist and Bianca a victim.
Another steps back and attempts to re-frame...
@@Eclectic8It was still difficult to hear, especially since it wasn’t the first time making this same type of attempt. The attempts at humor were tone deaf to the very conversation they’re having.
@@mosesramirez6330
It was "difficult to hear." What did I write that sounded like I would disagree?
I could also agree it was "tone deaf" if I think of the topic as constructive communication in general. For this particular talk on "Unlearning Silence"--i.e. the last thing Dan needs--his whole demeanor just seems ironic.
My comment reflects distancing from immediate judgements (negative or positive). Yes, initial emotions are helpful alerts. But as (for example) someone who is possibly more prone to silence than Bianca, I need to go beyond reactions and ID the (neutral) patterns (theirs, but especially my own) amenable to action-able change.
Speaking of looking beyond (or beneath), was Bianca a complete victim? Or could she be (consciously, or more likely unconsciously) aware that especially in the case at hand, silence is the response that, in addition to conforming with her constructed identity, best gleans sympathy from most listener bystanders?
Again, just stepping back and trying different frames.
I wonder what the books are on the shelf behind Elaine. I can read some titles but not all. Anyone?
I can only make out the top three. Inclusion on Purpose, Fool me Once, The Wake Up
Unlearning Silence
Is the blue book
And when speaking up for yourself results in cancellation from your livelihood, your life and society?
So true, it's very hard.
Those who don’t speak up wind up in therapy, I’ve found.
Interesting thought!
What a weird way to start the podcast and such a bizarre power move to a woman of colour. I know the host doesn't mean anything deep by this (men say this all the time half-joke, but half-serious) but the optics are that the hosts aren't aware how they come across to the audience.
Weird remarks from someone hosting a podcast about effective honest communication...
The host's polical comments were narrow-minded, divisive, and diminished his credibility .
I agree…it really was not necessary and was just a mean jab. There was no reason to show that side of oneself but we can’t silence the host but we can choose to listen or not listen to the next podcast.