THIS is why HEARTBREAK is worse in narcissistic relationships
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- čas přidán 16. 06. 2024
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It's the cruelest thing to do, to tell someone you love them and then slowly destroying them everyday until they lose their minds.
I feel this
This!
Exactly what was happening 😟
❤❤❤
My ex bf did this to me😭
Feels like your best friend fooled you and became your worst enemy! Hurts like hell!
Exactly making you feel crazy... to make themselves feel like their in control when really they are not. Coverts lack empathy.
Living together 3 yrs seperated... her downstairs I'm upstairs 2 floors... haven't made love in years...
Absolutely they make you crazy... you never know if your loved or hated by them from day to day very uneasy feeling and the hurt is real.
I agree worse pain ever tbf
Best friend - my first friend from the time I was five until teen years. I now recognize she was a bully and crazy-making.
The really heartbreaking part about leaving a narc is when you realise the person you fell head over heals in love with was nothing more than a carefully and very deliberately constructed illusion. That's what really hurts; not that they've gone, but that they never really existed in the first place.
Watch how they morph in to a totally different person as they lure their next victim......
Yes, that exact feeling.
Deception at its finest.
THAT PART! Literally! Grasping that ... especially when they were with and helped raise your kid for 9+yrs. Who did i let around my child...idk. And the discard just don't effect us... the discard can do a worse job to the children as well. And you are left to pick up the pieces of yours and your child's heart. One of the most confusing times in my life. But now... WE are on the other side and stronger for it. They can't break us!
Yes. A fake and a fraud and yet I was real
Every now and then I come back to these videos just to let people know that it does get easier, and it does get better.
They will stop living rent-free in your head.
You will heal, grow and move on.
Thank you for this message❤
I'm happy you have moved on😊 Did you go no contact? I have children (not with narc) but it's been fours year's after I became a widow and it's hard because he wins kids over with money, vacations and whatever they want. They don't see him for the evil he is sadly 😢
That is an important message for sooo many still knee deep in muddy waters. Thank you! 💐❤️🙏
❤
I don't believe that when you keep coming back to these 😢
The saddest part is still wanting them back after the devaluation and hurt.
The wanting them back is called Hope. Hope that they will change, hope that things will get better, hope that you can work it out. The narcissist is the master of throwing enough breadcrumbs on the floor to make you believe in hope. If you stop picking up the breadcrumbs Hope will be harder to hold onto. Move into radical acceptance and don’t let the breadcrumbs draw you back in.
That's a normal reaction for someone with compassion. Don't see it as a failure. See it as proof that you are a normal, empathetic, balanced adult who is able to love. We will recover.
Perfectly put.
Please stop that! You want YOU back ! YOU, YOU, Beautiful YOU !
But I do understand. Been there!
Bad investment- you never get any yield.
that's the trap and we are the best of the best bait to them
We're just useful objects to them. The day you're no longer useful they'll discard you without a thought. Heartbreak is inevitable.
The feelings of betrayal can be overwhelming when you put your faith and love into someone. Then, I realized they had no interest or intentions of loving you back. You are right. It is all about what you can do for them, that's it.
Indeed. Disposable because they can buy their friends and partners.
and they do it in the cruelest way. Mine discarded me on an email after almost 13 years wasted on him. He just didn't care how mean that was. To him might have been as convenient as unsubscribing from a newsletter. Here I am almost 11 years later and still hurts.
@@alyssaalberto9143 OMG!!! Yes !
He literally told me he “buys” people
Not really all the time.. sometimes they stay and wait for u to leave or die.. because they want to seem like the bad person before others.. they continue to stay and keep breaking u
32 years in that f***ed up life!! Getting cheated on over and over again and me thinking what am I doing wrong and now I know I’m done!!! NO more!!!!
Great! move on; you deserve happiness!!!
so did you off yourself?
1 in 6 people are narc, you were never wrong for being a kind forgiving person, but now you have to take care you more❤️
23 here, 3 years separated and divorce him. He was cheating but it took 23 years or it was his first attempt feeling crazy.
I remember standing in the supermarket and feeling completely lost because I was still thinking about buying food he wanted to eat. I couldn't remember what I liked to eat, because he had convinced me the food I enjoyed was "disgusting".
wow, I was in the same position after leaving my narcissist wife.
The absolute worst! Or that's so unhealthy as he turns to grab a chocolate cake.
Oh my gosh yes! I hadn't realized that my personality and likes and dislikes had been deconstructed until i left.
Same here. You are not alone.
Don’t know who I am anymore. He controlled my clothes, hair makeup and even my perfume. I don’t know how to dress for myself. He discarded me 3 days before he was taking me on a romantic holiday without our daughter. Wed been married for 11 years. Instead he went to the hotel we got married at with another woman, had a relationship with her for 4 weeks, took her to our favourite restaurant, then dropped her. Hoovered me back and dumped me again. I’m reading Dr R’s book and having therapy. I’m wiped out most of the time, but have to keep going for my little girl.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
It hurts because you are used like a toy. You think it's love, but to the narc it's just a game to keep you strung along feeding you false rays of hope, and then finally they throw you away like a piece of garbage.
It is definitely not a “normal” break up. It’s the betrayal mixed in with beating yourself up for not realizing the person was lying all along.
It took me a long time to forgive myself.
Totally relate ☹️
What is so bad is that they don't just dump you, they dump you with no closure! Then they keep coming back into the picture!
So true! Going through this currently
The gaslight is the worst part. Crazy and destabilise are the right words.
And when things don't go their way... It's heart breaking how they yell at
you when it ain't your fault that their endeavors didn't go the way they had
hoped. Or when you don't fall for the bait and switch. Believe in your observations.
I feel abandoned, betrayed,un validated,I am obsessed w bitterness
After a relationship with my narcissist ex wife , I feel the same. Overwhelmed with bitterness, sadness.
You are still letting the narcissist control your life. Do you truly believe they care one bit that you're suffering? Realize they don't care, pick yourself up and begin the healing process. Wallowing in your misery only gives them validation. They never cared and never will. Change your mindset and go live your best life. That's how you are vindicated, and believe me, the narc will find out you've moved on and are happy without them. That's your vindication, your revenge.
Yes, you were. The worst is that this person meant to do it to you, planned it from day one. You have every right to feel bitter. In fact, you have a right to feel all the emotions that come up as you heal. Wishing you the best.
Yup. That's a tough thing. And it's valid. This was on a certain level a planned attack on your soul connection. They may not have even been aware. But Don't waste your time. They can't be aware. They can't see it. There seems to be no justice. But don't forget that they are already dead. Possibly a good looking corpse but it's still dead.
@@RS-ms1bz thank you for that that is excellent advice I'm sorry I'm so delayed in responding I just realized that I had messages. I know that you are correct it's just very hard after a 20-year relationship it's like you have failed and everything you worked for is no longer yours
The worst part of my ongoing brake up is the almost unbearable shame of what I allowed to be done to me and the self disgust at the person I became at the end... Reactive, manic, depressed, destructive and unhinged... Add losing my health, my figure, my best job, my house, hurting all my relationships, and ended in a financial hole. (It took only four years for this damage).
Narcissist are dangerous and I am thankful for the community that help us to survive.
Thank you for sharing
Personally I think 4 years with a toxic person is a really long time. I was in it for 8 months and I feel unstable in this short amount of time. I am out now, but it's still very fresh.
The ‘heartbreak’ of narcissistic abuse or the relationships ending feels more like a trauma and a psychological mess for sure made worse by the enablers. Wish more people would understand. Grateful for this community. Keeping myself stable and not sacrificing myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
The enablers hurt just as bad in my opinion.
This!!! His friends telling me how much he adores me and he's just going through a bad time.. no one understanding how that's not love.. how he treated me in times no one was there to see, and this obvious time where he discarded me.. I'm shocked that people just make me out to be like I'm just overthinking. I'm the one that spent years with him, I think I can realise when someone has been shit to me and doesn't actually care.
Quick tip for people enduring this in small towns: People who haven't expressed any empathy for you are probably convinced YOU are the problem.
And many of them won't change, because they were gaslit about you a looong time ago.
Face this reality and choose your words carefully. Or move and make better friends.
Good luck with your journey
Definitely move. They start lying about you to everyone around you when their abuse starts, usually around 3 months in.
When you realize that the person, 50 years on, is the same one you should have moved on from way back then. Fifty years is a lot of life to spend in a less than ideal environment. Makes me feel like a gullible fool. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for the wisdom you have provided. It’s been a lifeline and you have my extreme gratitude.
46 years
☮️peace
48 years for me and I feel like I am trapped in an ongoing circle with no way out.😭
@@DR-rv5lv you are not trapped, but you feel that way. It’s not easy that’s for sure.☮️
Isto@@DR-rv5lv
Its realising, trauma bond, love bombed, devalue discard. Like, a parachute failed and a heart crashed miles like a explosive catastrophic shatters of soul
My physical pain in my heart was so bad for the initial 3 months that i know i cannot go through it again. I dont think my body can take it. (And im in excellent health)
I also have had physical pain in my heart
Im going through that now-spent Sunday in the back of an ambulance not knowing what it was-they determined it wasn’t a heart attack but an anxiety attack -ive realized my daughter is a narcissist
I felt like I was going to have a heart attack for the first week. Now my heart just hurts sometimes, but feel so sad.I cry alot.I just want to feel OK again. He did make me feel like I didn't do anything right,so I know this is for the best,but it hurts so much.
@brendawarner5415 I'm so sorry. Yes, I know that pain and trust me, it does get better. Day by day, bit by bit. And one day you look back and realize you are so much better off without them.
I was bullied out of my marriage of 23 years. I was told I was crazy, that he couldn't get rid of me quickly enough. He alienated me from mutual friends by telling them I was crazy and 'off my meds' (I am and never have been on 'meds). The fact I fled the relationship feeds his story of being the victim. He has our house, as I settled for very little under the threat he would bankrupt me in court. It is so hard to carry on and I am very uncertain about my financial future as I am now 65.
Sorry to hear this. I'm undergoing something similar after 27 years, and it's horrifying. Sending you serenity.
23 years for me but hired attorney and finally divorced him
It's a double blow when it's such a patriarchal world and many men still hold all the financial power. They use women, then leave them out in the cold with very little to fall back on if anything. It's disgusting, infuriating, and crushing. I hate narcissists with every cell in my body.
I repeatedly thanked Julia Robert's movie : Sleeping with the Enemy ! That movie saved my life and I escaped. Everyday I am grateful for you Dr. Ramani ! Heck I figured it out that these people attempt to project 'their crazy ' on to you ! Don't fall for it. The person you thought you met never exisited. You met an actor that could win an acadamy award .
Yes, just a con artist, and a groomer, a predator.
It took a few years and therapy, but yes a breakup with evil narcissist is an understatement......12 years later I say, how could someone so worthless hurt me like they did? The breakup was an absolute blessing, thank you Jesus 😊 🙏
Another crazymaking comment for me is "Maybe you just aren't compatible."
My ex husband used that on me after nearly 15 years together.
I thought my head was going to explode. After 15 years together, he moved on to a new wife in less than a year.
I know everything I need to.
Bless you.
I actually suggested this several times to my ex. He completely ignored and denied it. However, when the discard came, he said that we weren't compatible, we're just "different people", and that he never felt a connection with me.
Perhaps, but then why did you fight so hard to keep me in your life when I tried pointing this out in the past? If that's how you feel, why pursue me in the first place? He made me feel like I was the crazy one in denial. It's all such a mindf*ck.
Yep, my ex said that to me anytime I brought up any issue, no matter how small or lighthearted I was about it. He fought tooth and nail to win the argument, and even if I had proven my points and he had no retort then it was "I guess we're just not compatible". What? We're not compatible because I asked you to please not snap at me? We're not compatible because I wanted you to ask before ruining my bath towels for your random house repair projects? We're not compatible because I suggested we get something nice for the cats who have to sit around waiting for you to clean their litter box or give them water when I have to be away? You're right buddy, we're not compatible, because I'm not compatible with a neglectful, dismissive loser.
Yes !! After 3 years a baby & currently pregnant with our second.. " Were not compatible " were not " equally yoked " ... yeah we're not because you're EVIL
God..this comment section is too much... I was told that line... I was shocked when he said we weren't compatible.. after 4 years of him saying the opposite.. he just switched on me. And he was right in the end.. it was the first time he was honest with me.. it hurt so much. I'm now slowly realising all the lies, all the gaslighting.. like I'm opening my eyes to it all.
Receiving threats from an abandoned "infant" narcissist with guns is more like panic and going into hiding. I moved from the area and gave no one my address. I haven't dated anyone since 2020. PTSD is a normal response to a crazy person.
“No there, there”.
Had my heart broken so many times. Heartbreak is a CAKEWALK compared to heartbreak from a narcissistic relationship where the other person is gaslighting you as they're abandoning you. Just can't leave you in peace.
I saw a interview about the dishing out of anti depressants and psychoactive drugs. A poor woman was explaining her incredible pain in her chest through life following severe brutal childhood abuse. Her 'doctors' pumped her full of drugs then basically coerced and entrapped her in a psych hospital and threatened her to have 'treatment' or be forcefully made to. Not one doc actually listened to her... my instant thought was, she was utterly heartbroken by what was done to her, by so many perpetrators. And the docs actually prayed on her just to get money.
Having experienced abuse and severe heartbreak myself, I swear ive had two mild heart attacks in the past, and now I'm finally listened to by doctors and tests are showing heart problems... I was lucky enough to sense one psychiatrist being dodgy when she said 'I'll prescribe you some drugs and get you on 24 surveillance' when I wanted therapy for the cycle of abuse... I literally threw the consultation fee at her and ran! They are scary shit people.
Every time I feel upset and ‘crazy’, I watch Dr Ramini’s videos and she puts me back on level ground. Yep the crazy making is cruel. He made me depressed because he didn’t understand about emotions so every time I was upset, feeling suicidal (down to his stonewalling and gaslighting) he accused me of being crazy. Then he went to his self righteous narcissistic ‘mummy’ for protection and she fuelled him with more supply so he came back worse. I want to leave now but I can’t afford to leave and I have a son with Autism and an older dog. I’m coming into retirement decade and I don’t have a pension at all. I’m stuck here forever until one of us dies.
I have read Dr Ramini’s book It’s Not You and I bought a copy for each of my children so they are aware of Narcissism in it’s true form so they run as soon as they recognise it.
The worse part now is that once you have seen it (the narcissistic personality, behaviour etc), it can’t be unseen.
I actually think the stress we internalize is less than the actual "physical" stress I feel outwardly. My hair, complexion and added pounds is harder to cope with 😢
When I suggested I go to a psychiatrist, he encouraged it. Dear Lord, I was in deep. A normal husband would have comforted me.
Listening to Dr. Ramani brings relief to the soul. It's been 6 months since I've been away from my ex-narc, and truly, what hurts the most isn't the lies themselves or her modus operandi, but rather the psychological blows she used, which if it weren't for channels like this, I'd still be tormenting myself and lost to this day. Thanks, Dr. Ramani
Yeah, if someone just left me because they wanted a younger model, or you grow apart, or they met someone else who has more in common with them ...fine. it hurts, but ok fine. If you love them you want them to be happy and you can let them go.
These are different. It's psychological warfare. It's like the Art of War type of stuff.
Thanks! It's been 8 months since the breakup, and everyone around me acts like I should be over it. And I'm not. I needed that.
I feel that.
My old man, who is a narc himself, told me after a month I should have been over a decade long highly dysfunctional and abusive relationship.
A month. After everything I endured, he thought I only needed a month to bounce back.
It's been almost three years and I am more depressed and heartbroken than I've ever been because I'm finally dealing with the trauma from my childhood, which he was a huge part of and still is. I got free of one demon to only be forced back with the demons who caused me the most trouble for most of my life.
Bless you. You'll get through it, but it isn't easy. Take care of yourself as best as you can.
@@spacegirl226 I get it... my dad is a narc, too. For the longest time, I was attracted to men with similar personality traits. My latest ex was a narc and I saw the signs, but I chose to ignore them. It's really hard to go against what feels familiar.
When my narc ex broke up with me in June, I was bawling my eyes out and my dad's response was "You can't trust anyone".
Thanks for your reply, I feel a lot less alone. Take care
@@beatitcreep. oh gosh. that is exactly like my father. "i could have told you not to marry him" -- well you didn't, old man. you didn't even care what was going on in my life, and if he had, i wouldn't have listened anyway -- because he didn't care about what was going on in my life, ever.
i am so sorry. these men don't understand what devastating problems they cause their families because they don't care, but when you come back screwed up and a failure, all they want to do is berate you and shame you for being a screwed up failure. they never realize they're part of the reason why you're so messed up.
@@spacegirl226..I hate to disagree… maybe I am just not as nice as you are . I think “ these men”… which would also be women don’t care about the damage they do . They di what they want, when they want with whom and to whom they want . They not only don’t care - they actively enjoy the damage they cause . Chaos demons , every one …
@@spacegirl226 Very true! My dad LOVES when other people fail, even his own children. I hate that I have to deal with all this trauma, but I don't want to be this person who blames her parents for her bad behaviour forever. I know my father is the reason why I entered several narcissistic relationships, but I want to break free from this pattern.
It is why, at minimum, education on this topic is sooo important.
The being made to feel crazy, by a narcissist and everyone else, is like nails to a coffin, for most targets of narcissistic abuse. YOU’RE actually considered crazy, for not embracing and supporting abuse. And what became a surprise to me, was how outsiders, will try to make abuse seem normal and the victim seem abnormal, even asking that they return and fix it.
I’ve had to come to several conclusions about society, in general and that’s why I call it the narcissistic system. Because anything from survival instinct, to social standards to sheer stupidity, causes people to simply not have the tools, to understand, navigate and advise anyone on dealing with a narcissistic abuser.
It’s important, without being condescending, to see the entire picture and agenda, of each person trying to make you feel crazy - and, then, consider the source. Are they a narcissistic abuser by proxy, a person who’s been lucky enough to not have to understand, a person who’s accepted their own victimhood in their own situation, or simply an idiot? I KNOW the people I cannot go to, with information regarding narcissism. I know they have a default or set point, when it comes to the topic. They’re unqualified to help me go in the direction I should and feel FAR more comfortable, in the idea that I would return to abuse. They’d actually sleep better at night, feeling all is well with the world, because someone has accepted their place - as a chew toy, whether they are conscious of it or not. You have to stay centered, grounded, and stick to the understand of what actually IS crazy.
Thank you for making sense of my divorce! It was a long time ago but at the time I thought it took so long for me to heal my heart. I understand now what actually took the time was realizing I wasn't crazy. It took years before I trusted myself again.
I still can't believe how incredibly powerful the "not seeing" is. It's like most people will continue to "not see" as if their life depended on it... and so the abuse goes on... Takotsubo cardiomyopathy or "Broken Heart Syndrome" is when the heart muscle becomes suddenly stunned or weakened. It mostly occurs following severe emotional or physical stress. Thank you 👍❤❤❤
My goal this year is to heal my heart. I’ll start there because by focusing on the wellbeing of my heart first, my hope is that the rest will come.
Since my baby left me/I found a new place to dwell/Down at the end of lonely street/Heartbreak Hotel...:) No, but honestly, one of the best days of my life was when, just before falling asleep, I suddenly realized that I hadn't thought about my narcissistic ex that day, all day. Not for a second. Nada. Right there and then, I felt relieved, that see, I can think of her without any emotional charge. Right before sleep. No teardrops on my pillow anymore. That was good.
The MINUTE I sense a partner is cruel, that's my wake up call.
I've been seeing someone for a year who I realize has a serious, mean streak. I was screamed & sworn at to the point of getting spit on because I said MAGA did not end the Chick's career 3 weeks ago. I just asked to be brought home.
He's ghosted me for a week.
We're 60.
I'm sad and will miss the good parts. A man who verbally & emotionally abuses me is not an option. I can imagine a year from now if I don't go no contact.
Keep me strong, DrR
Even losing a beloved pet can break your heart.
#BelieveMe
I do. They're irreplaceable souls
Oh, enormously! Especially if you had a special bond with them. Pretending you're OK on the outside on your daily life but when you're alone and remember them or realize how much you miss them... You got to be very tender with yourself in those moments and, in your vulnerability, if tears flood you... It's only natural, allow it! ... I think I've told my little one I LOVE YOU FOREVER hundreds of times...and maybe there will be another time and space where we'll meet them again. 💖✨✨
Yes. My beloved cat died a few days ago. She is worth the tears, narcissists are not.
Absolutely ❤
@@AlexLouiseWest
I’m sorry for you loss.
Believe me I know…
❤️🙏🏼
Bravo Dr. Ramani. You said what only a person who has been through it could. The relationship with ourself, intuition, reality and all others: family, friends and colleagues can be decimated by narc crazy-making and smear campaigns, leaving us with zero support and even criticism, shaming and blaming for our reality and choice to leave. We are lucky to be alive. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤.
The attitude I got from other people who didn’t understand what I went through made it so much worse. Someone told me I was acting like a victim, his mother walked away when I cried in front of her, my mom said he’s moved on you should too. I know they don’t get it, but ugh! 😢
The biggest reason by far my first husband of 24 years could easily manipulate me with blame and guilt is that my own character flaw - active alcoholism - was much more conspicuous than his narcissism. I know we're supposed to consider addiction as an illness and it probably is, but it does result in behavior which hurts others. Three years before we divorced, I quit drinking, and asked him to return to counseling with me to renegotiate our relationship. He refused, and that's when I knew I had to get out. That was 18 years ago; these have been the sweet years of my life. Your videos have helped me identify narcissistic manipulations by my parents, which primed me for those of my ex. My second, late husband is the reason I know what it is to be cherished. I win.
I'm glad you found someone to cherish you. And even though they are not in physical form anymore, you have their love always with you in your heart and mind. That's beautiful. Though I am sorry for your loss.
Very kind, thank you. @@WalksfortheSoul77
Its coming to terms with everything ,past and present realizing the deception was ongoing and constant.
It was ALL deception, start to finish.
I will never forget after my ex husband discarded me, we had been texting after I moved out and away because we still had to go through the divorce process. We spoke on the phone for the last time. He was acting like there was nothing wrong, but I was hurt and emotional. I'd just had my life uprooted after a decade. He'd told me I wasn't his person. (He had already secured my replacement, which I did not know then.) He'd abused me, neglected me, berated me, said and did terrible things to me. I said and did terrible things because of him.
He said, "Wow, you're really angry."
Completely oblivious! He thought I was supposed to be fine with everything, that he'd done nothing wrong and all of it was my fault. He couldn't understand why I was so upset.
Talk about feeling crazy.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
He was also a compulsive liar! I still have trouble trusting people after 6 years of being out! But I will say I do feel so much better day by day.
Hindsight is always 20/20. When you look back and try to make sence of it all. Insanity is going back to the person that hurt you in the first place. Remember if someone tried to destroy you, you can always rebuild yourself better than before and not fall back into the same trap.
I hung on to my marriage for nearly 20 years, but when I finally ended it, I felt nothing but joy and a sense of liberation.
Same with me Jenny … took so much courage, but it’s worth it, thank God. Blessings & protection for you ❤️🙏🏻🕊️🇨🇦
Thank you Dr. Ramini. Destabilizing is a perfect description of what my narc did to me. He tried to destroy me for over 32 years physically, emotionally, and financially but most of all mentally. I left him in December 2019 after losing all my long time Christian friends, all my family through death, my home and almost all my finances. Then COVID hit. It has taken me over three years of living alone to learn to do basic tasks. I was completely crazy. In January 2023, my Lord spoke to me and renewed my faith in Him and my will to live. I will never have anything near to what we acquired in possessions, but I have never felt more peace in my life at the age of 72. I was a slow learner but I look forward to each new day and pray my fellow sojourners will also learn to live again. You can do this‼️. God bless you Dr. Ramini ♥️🙏♥️
Their lies and love bombing (words, love letters etc) are so convincing, which leads to the utter confusion and as you say craziness.
Being dumped while love-bombed, then hoovered 2 days later. It's a head spinner. Totally cruel and crazy.
But that pain in the stomach/chest is real. The irony was they claimed to be seeking stability and security. Which was insulting to someone loyal like myself.
The next supply he married did not last. She was just a tick box exercise towards life goals.
No contact is the only way to go to regain sanity. And getting rid of anything they gave you, as it keeps you stuck in the lies you didn't realise at the time.
Thanks for your video, great work in helping those caught up in the maelstrom of these twisted individuals.
Literally I feel crazy. My neglectful narcissistic gas lights me into believing I am the problem. He is getting worse, more vindictive, stronger anger outbursts and more cruel behaviors with total disregard and dismissal of my feelings and needs. I feel like a shell of myself and my sympathetic nerve system is on overdrive right now, as I marched towards the divorce.
I’m going through the same thing- i cry nonstop at the drop of a hat - I feel decimated - I used to be happy and funny - i was a dancer and would twirl all throughout the day - now i can barely keep my head up or smile from the nightmare acid trip that living with my husband is like. It’s been brutal and i’ve completely lost myself.
@@beverlychase3587 - I feel and understand your pain. Please keep listening to Dr. Romani so that you can find your footing and your spirit again. What the narcissist is doing to you is real. Accepting that will help you find your path back out to your old self. You have to stop believing the lies that he puts on you. You are a beautiful person, not defined by his rage and control.
@@beverlychase3587 I am sorry for what you're going through.
@@beverlychase3587you are still in there !
Best thing to happen to me was to get the F* out of it. Five years wasted, realizing that choosing him (after he chased me and saw it as a challenge) stems from having a vulnerable narc father. Jumping through hoops for approval, always having to validate him, belittling me, my accomplishments meant nothing, I was crazy, everything was my fault, silent treatment for days or weeks (because I hung out with a girlfriend,) berating me in front of his friends that I didn't trust him - I could go on, but I am sure all of you know. Such a sh*t show and know that I deserve more and better.
You still see the old people you knew in the old relationship they take you back in the situation all. Over again and you feel the crazy all over again it seems to never to go away
maybe NOT see all the old people? change your circle ?
Imagine the heartbreak from a parent who you thought loved you unconditionally. First, I experienced confusion, anger, heartbreak and then beating myself up because I did not figure it out until I was 57 years old, and then the audicity of the egg donor to try and shame me for going no contact for 6 months. I understand that we should not personalize the narc's behavior; but It's challenging especially when it's a parent.
I was over 40 when i realized my mother not only didn’t love me but actively hated me-now at 72 im realizing my daughter is a narc that not only doesn’t love me but actively hates me so its deja vou all over again! Im in the throes of heartbreak. So it seems that all -all -my first degree relatives are narcissists! So im so sorry you are going through this 😢
@@gloriabarrett6476 Thank you Gloria. I am Gloria too!
So here we are 🙁
Still think sometimes.. did that happen .. am I making stuff up.. just yesterday I started to cry.. I'm so unstable in my mind. But I try to keep sane outside. If my inside was outside, it would be a mess of crazy, screams, sobs... mess. So... I'm aware I'm unstable, I have learned to see myself in third person and cool myself out.
I can tell you that my heart is truly broken after 28 years of marriage and a 31 year year relationship. He started an affair, which continues until today, while I was fighting literally for my life from cancer. Then he physically abused me and that was the end. My heart is truly shattered.
I always felt like my head was in a vice living with a narcissist!
(towards the end I actually had congestive heart failure from the stress of it all) after being in that relationship for 22 years. You are absolutely right about all of it and I thank you for giving a voice to my pain and the permission to feel the feelings I feel about going through that!! Thank you Ramini ♥️♥️
You hit the nail in the head with this one! They don't break your heart, they destroy your mental health.
Ah the crazy making. I have drowned myself in work, because otherwise any time free, would mean crazy thought making. So many questions, thoughts, rewinds.. I stopped talking to ppl, cos they be like she starts again. They have started to brand me like the never ending story. And I don't want that to be my narrative. It affects relationships and work and ppl think you can't take care of yourself.
The Bigger the Love 💗 the more pain you feel when your heartbroken 💔!!! Yeah three million times narcissistic people pushed me past my braking point leaving me feeling crazy!!!
All I wanted was for us to be a family. I've done everything I set out to do, and now I just wanted to be a wife and mother. Apparently, my husband wanted to remain a bachelor, still living off of mom and dad's charity and running to his friends for support. (While turning himself and his family against me.) When times got tough, he'd storm and rage, destroy the house, and run to the basement. I thought his behavior and the rollercoaster of our relationship was my fault for 3 years. My heart broke so many times that I'm now indifferent and finally see my marriage for what it is: two roommates living together with kids.
As a person and as a therapist, your videos are really helpful and practical ways to understand this complex issue. Narcissistic abuse is not easy to understand, identify and when you're in it it's even harder, but with those nuggets of wisdom it is truly great to feel like you're not alone, and you ARE going through something truly heartbreaking and insane.
You are the most validating person through my recovery and I want to thank you from the bottom of my healing heart 💜
I really hope you read this comment. I’ve been struggling for almost 3 years after a narcissistic breakup. It literally dismantled every piece of my identity and soul. I had been through breakups before, but nothing like that. I’ve been in therapy which has helped. It has been literally like putting every piece of puzzle of myself back together after the break up. I questioned every piece of my sanity and felt like I lost joy forever. This video made me feel sane again. It’s been a long journey back, but I’m getting there. Thank you for all you do and helping us! It’s worth more than you know.
Trying to love someone who’s been through this is heartbreaking in itself. I understand why she had to leave, but my heart breaks every day for her. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
Heartbreak - for years. But I have closed down. Nothing hurts anymore. I can be cold too. Unfortunately it bleeds into other aspects of your life. Be aware.
Yes it does. I am not the same person I was all those years ago. I thought that person might come back but 12 years later... Nope.
ABSOLUTE confusion, based on your programming. Be with it. Be with it. Be with it.
Slow down (or speedup) to the right speed for YOU.
Severing ties with my narcissistic family was the most heartbreaking decision I ever had to make. Worse than any other heartbreak I ever experienced, and no one else in my life can wrap their head around why I’ve been so broken over them. It DID cost me my sanity.
Thank you for this ! It’s been a long journey healing from all the gaslighting
Everyone around me is telling me it's normal for a boyfriend to cheat on his childhood sweetheart while she was travelling overseas for a year. They don't know about his previous cheating, the no remorse, the lying, the gaslighting, the triangulation, the future faking ... but when they tell me I overreacted by breaking up with him it adds to my feeling I'm the crazy one.
You need better people around you. Those people sound like flying monkeys and enablers.
Anyone named Spirit Cat is strong. Fierce. Able to be a grey rock when needed.
These people are not good for you
they are sh… theads🥳 Be strong and move on!there will be better friends for you to come
Um…cheating isn’t normal under any fashion. Disgusting.
"Crazy" is the perfect term even if it is politically incorrect.
Thank you for articulating survivors' thoughts and feelings so well, Dr. Ramani!
Think the heartbreak is like the death of the person you were deceived into thinking they were. And, still, there is someone walking around looking and sounding like them, like invasion of the body snatchers.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. It was certainly crazy making, and even though 2 years have gone by I still return to those awful feelings from time if something triggers memories of what happened. 20 years of abuse that I never truly recognised as abuse.
It can still make me feel physically ill too. I feel like it will take more time to get all the shrapnel out of my heart. I have PTSD....no surprise.
Its hard when others can't understand, so these videos and reading everyones comments really helps.
Stay strong everyone, we can and will heal ❤
..As things got uglier, and not only was my physical and mental health getting worse, the constant dizziness, detachment, then the development of fibromyalgia, I remember that I was on the verge of insanity...I really thought I was going to lose my mind! like pop, collapse and die!
Then I realised that it was my own trauma bonded upbringing that made me fall prey, because...how can 'family and relatives' be so exploitative and manipulative....?
I learnt the hard way.
And I would also add that they want to break your back and soul and then revel in hearing the snap!
My ex added an additional year saying “just let me clear my head! What you don’t realize is I want this to work. No calls. No text.” Then if I did, cuz I loved and missed him, our dog, I got told it starts over. 2 years later I can say wtf was I thinking. The old me would have told such a person to kick rocks. I miss the fantasy. The fantasy was still a true/loving relationship. But he’s ghosted and blocked me. Gone. Our dog too. He’s a health administrator. A nurse. Walked by my side through stage 4 cancer. Engaged even. Think on that.
I am living this now, dismantling the craziness. Thanks for the validation
I think that it is way easier to leave a narcissist behind than to get over a regular heartbreak. Regular heartbreak means lost potential, something could have been there, whereas in the narcissistic relationship they have never seen you at all, so it's not even personal.
I think that depends on how much manipulation went on in the relationship. Yes, you can stop loving them, but the hurt they inflicted by their sadistic ways of emotionally abusing you, leaves you much more vulnerable and confused mentally and emotionally. It's not straightforward. I lost (meaning he died) the first love of my life 25 years ago and that was the worst pain and took me a very long time to recover. The betrayal from a covert narcissist who hid everything until he unleashed hell on me at the end is a different kind of hurt. It's the not understanding why someone would have so much hate for you and be so deceiving when you were giving everything you could to them. It's the slow uncovering of how much deception was going on in the name of hurting you all the while realizing in retrospect that they were lovebombing you so that you wouldn't see the deception until it was too late. I mean being on the other end of sadism leaves you feeling destroyed in a way that my heartache from losing my young love did not. One is not better or worse, but one is very much slimier and receives less support from society on the whole.
I always did exactly what he wanted and tried to keep him happy and accept every narcissistic abuse yet he says I was the one and only person who hurt him so much in his entire life
I was really dismantled😢. Currently going through this.
Breaking someone’s heart is painful but it doesn’t incapacitate you to earn your living while breaking someone’s spirit and psyche is breaking the target’s ability to live based in reality and fend for themselves. The real crime of those who betrayed us is not that they stood behind the other person, but that they made us feel crazy by minimising, invading and dismissing our feelings, experiences and reality. They denied us access to LIFE. Thank you 🙏 so much dr Ramani. God bless you ❤
Absolutely crazy! I dealt with it all on my own, no one else to turn to. Unbelievable how much damage they do. The most shocking aspect to find out was that I was right about him not caring or loving his family. I thought by divorcing him would make him change, at least concerning his children. He more than proved I was right in divorcing him. It was devastating to me how uninterested he was in his 5 beautiful children. I grieved that more than anything.
How heartbreaking. I see the disinterest my spouse has for his grandson. But, quite possibly he would not enrich his grandson’s life after all.
You are the parent who really loves your kids.
Very, very accurate. When you mentioned all the thoughts a survivor might have in these crazy making relationships every one of them were thoughts I have had. Also true that healing the psyche takes years. I have been learning and trying to heal for six years. I just had an incident yesterday in which someone I love manipulated me and then totally dismissed my words. I went right back to wondering if I had it wrong, maybe I said something to make them behave that way. I instantly started doubting myself and felt that crazy feeling. I am having a very hard day; the difference though is that I recognized this feeling this time and why I was feeling this way.
this is exactly what i needed today. one of the things that makes my situation is worse is that i still love my narcissist, and recognize NPD as a disease process and not her fault. and i know the person i love is still down there, and they are suffering, too. even more than i am, because they are inside of this disease. and they won't let me help.
Thank you! I have been divorced from a covert narcissist for 20 years. I was so angry about all the lies and mistreatment, the heartbreak didn't last long. But, I thought my not wanting to date was because of the lies and not trusting my choice in men. How did I step into chosing someone like that? This video shows me I need more work on getting back to who I was before marriage; a confident professional loving woman. He made me think I was losing it....crazy is the only word. Mind F*** is appropriate, too. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Speaking of crazy, I actually do have bipolar 1 disorder, and my ex-narc used that along with gaslighting me, but also used it against me during devaluation and discard by launching a smear campaign against me with every person we knew. She made them believe that I was *literally* crazy and that our divorce was all my fault because I was crazy. I suddenly became a pariah amongst our friends and my ex’s family.
Having bipolar AND dealing with everyone thinking I was actually crazy and therefore believing all of the lies they were being told about me only made me feel more discarded, blamed and yes, crazy.🤦♀️
It is very common for people who grew up bullied (by parents, siblings, or other children) to become bullies themselves.
I was fortunate in that I'm the one that ended things and didn't go through the discard.... at least not in the usual way. I went through the discard and the heartbreak every day for years before the love I had for her finally died, then it was easy to tell her I was done and she had to find another place to live.
One thing I haven’t heard talked about is grieving a narcissistic sibling, because when you were kids you had a relationship. There was a person inside you loved and were close with. Then one day that person died and became something twisted that now hates you. And it’s extremely difficult to come to terms with the reality that the person you knew is no longer inside them. I’ve tried loving my sibling back to wholeness and happiness, but it did no good and only hurt me. The pain of losing and leaving that sibling behind is acute.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Something I noticed is that they learn from us what not to do the next time (if they were "on the losing end"). Also, each of us are different making the boundaries we approach new relationships with/tolerances different. Why the next person "doesn't see" how in the world their marriage to us fell apart (making our ex the victim in their eyes), and why at the same time, we may wonder why our ex is "so nice" and "accommodating" to the next one when he/she wouldn't do that for us. End of the day, it's important to realize the new love interest has their own hooks that the narc has tapped into and it's all a matter of time before the crazy making/"misunderstandings" begin. In other words, it was never about us, it's about them (nothing personal). Namaste
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for all you do! But, it still hurts, my broken heart! So much and I do not want to go back almost after, 50 years, of marriage. But it hurts so much, to see after so many years we each ended by ourselves. Very sad... ❣💯👍
the narc is not alone . They have their ego and their demo to keep them company . You need a cat !
I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself. I don’t share these thoughts with anyone because I feel ashamed of myself. How can someone be so cruel with a pregnant woman. How can you tell the mom of your first child: you’re fat, look at you, have you seen your neck? And so many insults. I cried every single day. I was really worried about my baby’s health. I don’t know how I survived. It was traumatizing.
Stay strong precious lady. Those bastards who do that to us young mothers are the cruelest humans on earth. My kids are grown now and he's a miserable old man with no love or friends. 😊
Destabilize, that perfectly describes the feeling I had in my relationship. Fortunately, she and I live on opposite sides of the country so I don't physically encounter her. But it still left it's mark on me and it still will take time to right myself. Thank you for addressing this and the comfort you give in realizing It's Not You!
My years long AFIB dropped easily 50% by the day after my wife died. Still got it, but nothing like it used to be.
Mind wrecking
Dr. Ramani, Thank you! As always you express the truth of my personal experiences with understanding and eloquently I cannot. We can mostly recover from heartbreak but when it comes from narcissistic parents and a spouse with the siblings and friends their enablers, it’s so much more difficult. My own heartbreak feels as if it left so much scar tissue along with a few cracks that will never quite heal. Still, with work and time, I learn to live and grow beyond that heartbreak as best as I can. Your videos and books help with recovery so very much.
I had no heartbreak whatsoever. After I've had my AHA! moment felt very quickly out of love. I'm only angry at myself that I was so easy to manipulate.
Your book will help so many people. It's like my whole family choked me, and then hung me publicly. I never thought my brother would be able to be such a 🦈🦈🦈🦈 shark. My brother used to write stories about mass killings in high schools; were he put piano wires across hallways. Shot guns, and such were all over the story. It makes me wonder what was inside him all these years. He never liked me and I was under no illusion about that. Some people are just born that way as the song lyrics go. Why do some people have to be around to make life horrible and steal not only your dreams, but your live time too. I am sorry for your heartache Dr. R. ❤❤❤
What hurt me 5he most was my own stupidity at becoming emotional and 'Reactively Abusing' him at times, when I knew I was capable of walking away calmly and quietly. 🍒
It’s easier to fix a broken heart than fixing your mental health.