After dealing with multiple narc exes, the scariest part for me was always the aftermath of the breakup. They do everything to let you know they’re still around and they’re still in control. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this ❤️
Multiple? Oh wow. That has to be fixed. Attracting multiple narcissists is an inside pattern fam. We all must do the work and find out why we keep attracting these emotional vampires.
@@essenenaziriteyirmeyahu851 I know it’s been a pattern of mine and I’m actively trying to break it. It did start with a dysfunctional family life, with a narc father. I am aware now though and working on my journey to healing ❤️
Multiple ex narc just means you are a great soul, don’t feel anyways or change who you are. Narcs are skilled in looking for a good person. An ex use to actually tell me I want control over your mind, body and soul “everything “ and “nothing I do breaks you”. Don’t change who you are
@@sweetie932 Hey there girls, Unfortunately narcs really don’t care about your kindness or your good soul. This is a myth! You can be unkind and rude, but as long as you provide them the 3 S’es they will keep you around. Sex, service, supply. And yes, we do need to look at our patterns, in order to avoid these types, and fall for their bs (love bombing). They pray on our dreams and hopes. The soon they find out, what motivates you, they will provide it to you, as future faking, promises or some love crumbs. Everyone has something they love or want. We all want “unconditional love”, and they know it. The carrot makes us then do stupid things, coz the Nirvana state is just around the corner. So YES, definitely we need to educate our selfs and grow strong in our self love deficiencies. That being said, you do need to change the patterns, and find out, why you keep seeking the same monster over and over. Unless you are a converted narcissist and you only find happiness with other narcissistic people. It is also possible… I would recommend Sam Vaknin as the absolute expert on the topic. His book “Malignant Self love. Revisited” will answer all of your questions, and if not, then his you tube channel will. Good luck to you 🌺
Imagine that! These people are evil. I left a week ago. I have started a childcare business that I am scared to advertise on Facebook for fear of my ex narc stalking me or secretly defaming
He asked for divorce but I'm the one breaking up the family. I'm wrong for not wanting to reconcile or go to dinners with him or do family things. Even if they DID ask for it, somehow it still isn't their fault.
My husband was married in his teens to a narcissist. He ended his marriage after 7 years and one child, and her narcissistic rage was inflamed but that was nothing compared to what happened when he later met and married me. We endured the slander, libel, and had three attempts made to harm us (brake lines slashed, lug nuts removed from wheels, etc). But the worst by far was the psychological torture she inflicted on their child, custodial interference, and stalking. She even showed up, daughter in tow, on our vacation 800 miles away, TEN years after the divorce. (The vacation she refused to allow us to take the child on.) We have been married now 40 years and that now adult child just died of a heroin overdose after a hellish life. No court would help us, judges admonished, “Work it out.”, and many many people inferred that if he had just stayed, none of it would have happened. Our system is totally broken, and we are broken. We could not save that child. Heartbreaking.
@lil man slim I have been following Trevor Noah for a long, long time - long before he became so famous. What you say is nonsense - he has always been liberal and thoughtful.
This video couldn't come at a better time, I literally just packed up all of my belongings in just a three hour time frame before my abuser got home from work and I have managed to finally escape my abuser after the 10th attempt. The thing I struggle with the most is the fact that I'm a male survivor of abuse and I have found it extremely hard to find support or someone who would just listen to me talk without passing judgment or that question, why don't you just leave? That's like asking, "why can't a heroin addict just stop doing heroin? " I became addicted to my abuser, she was my heroin and I couldn't put it down, until I had enough, until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I deeply empathize. My ex is a woman. She has become increasingly abusive to me over the past year. It's ramped up exponentially since she started dating someone new in December, and again in the past 48 hours, as her new girlfriend just dumped her and my ex is stuck living with me again. People find it so much harder to believe a woman could be a domestic abuser. And there are so few resources for survivors of domestic abuse at the hands of a woman. I'm sorry people gaslight you with victim blaming like that. It's so harmful and wrong.
I was escorted out of the house by a police officer on allegations that even the officer conceded in his report weren't believable. I was left without any support very quickly. It is a very lonely path my friend. Be strong. I wish I could help you more... but I want you know you are not alone. Many men have been through this.
Same my friend, I also dropped the bomb about a month ago and already have a new apartment, but I’m not telling her that lol, I just implied I moved in with my parents, who she couldn’t be nice to, so she’s not coming over anytime soon haha
I faced all of this behavior. When my adult son asked his father, why don't you just leave her alone?....his father said, "...because it is fun." His behavior energized him....he ruined my reputation with "big fish" lies...depending on audience reaction...I had to run away...
Omg this is the first time i read this about a narccissist and its the thing my mother-in-law did or does for that matter. She said it is fun if we fight... Then a week later she says she loves me... Plus, she is constantly trying to ruin my reputation and is so god damn smart and sneaky about it, its unbelievable. She made me a nervous wreck because of all she did to me and my son, i wish i knew how to let go of this hate i have for her.
Kudos to Trevor Noah for calling this behavior out. And thanks Dr. Ramani for exploring this topic further. Countless times I have been asked, “What did you do to provoke your abuser?” “If you didn’t “like” it, why did you stay?” As the targeted victim / survivor, of domestic violence in intimate relationships, I am still being blamed by my own mother for not simply ignoring the persistent narcissistic abuse of my adult siblings; while she does nothing to discourage that abuse. At 64, I finally realize that my domestic abuse in intimate relationships, is directly related to my being subjected to abuse at home. My trauma and drama began with family; the same family who even now try to take me down.
I"m sorry you're in this situation. I'm in a similar one, between my narc brother and my mother and other brother who are both afraid to stand up to the narc brother, most of the time. So I get egregiously bullied by the narc brother and when I stand up for myself with him, my mother asks me why I'm "fighting with my brother." This makes me sad because I love my mother. The best way I've found to help myself is to nurture healthy friendships outside the family.
We stay because when we leave, is when they kill us. I don't know WHY people like MOTHERS are so slow and stupid to figure that out. Freaking Narc Mothers are like dogs that eat their own pups. My Mom crapped on me, and made Sis the Golden Child. She always told me Sis's treatment wasn't so bad, turn the other cheek. I told Mom, "I'm going to treat you the way that Sis treats me. Let's see how you turn the other cheek." And I did. Until the day she died. Damm lonely she was; because Sis didn't like Mom any more than she liked me. And I was No Contact with Sis.
I was absolutely devastated when my narcissist ex discarded me. I had no knowledge of narcissism at the time but the more I learned the more I realized I was actually better off being discarded than being the one to end it myself. I have so much empathy for anyone going through the terrifying ordeal of being stalked and harassed. I wish there was more protection for the victims.❤️
I experienced this when I left. Then after all the abuse he also claims I did all the insane things he did to me, to discredit me. There is no validation in what you go through in any capacity.
I recently found out that my fear my ex is doing this to me are valid On multiple occasions, with multiple people, she's "accidentally" convinced friends of hers that I'm verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to her. Apparently she accuses me of being entirely to blame for situations she also played a major part in, and even blamed me for things she did that I had no part in at all. I'm very grateful I had an opportunity to talk to her very recent ex a couple days ago and find out the lies she'd mutually been telling us. I have suspected for months that she is lying about me behind my back to people and falsely painting me as abusive. It's a strange kind of relief to know that's actually true and I'm not being paranoid. What scares me most is that my ex seems truly baffled as to how she's convinced people I'm such a monster. Whereas it seems obvious to me why people who don't know me would come to think that, based on horrible things she's accused me of doing. I don't know how to communicate with someone who can't even tell when she's lying anymore. Especially since she likes to claim she's an extremely honest person who rarely lies. I'm beginning to accept there may not be a way to get through to her. It just breaks my heart.
My parents would ALWAYS ask me what I did to “warrant” someone doing something that was hurtful or harmful towards me, from the time I was a child all the way through adulthood. So you can imagine how I was raised by those two people, always the scapegoat and blamed for others’ behaviors towards me, including their own.
@kari Nau I relate. My siblings picked up the torch to continue this legacy in my 40's. I have zero contact with them or anyone in my extended family. I miss some of them, but the last few years have been the happiest I've been in my life. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
same. and they can do it in such a charming nonchalant way too, very calm and quiet and with that sly smile, just saying "oh hush, it doesn't become you to blame others, be good and blame yourself now, like you know you're supposed to." not even looking up from what they're doing (which you are absolutely not allowed to do by the way. it "breaks their heart"). and all the while they themselves NEVER EVER take the blame for anything at all, no matter how small and irrelevant their wrongdoing is. it's always somebody else's wickedness, or a truly unlucky coincidence at best. it's never their own fault, not ONCE. until they die. shame, remorse, humility - they can't even fake it, which is astonishing considering how gloriously they can fake everything else.
@@MsZephyra thanks ^^ and sorry to hear that you seem to know what i mean... i think that discovery, that they can't even fake remorse, was the key aspect for me. that was when i finally understood that something really deep and serious was wrong with the whole dynamic, and started to gradually (!!!) allow myself to trust my intuition again and discover more and more of all the little "tells" until the picture was full - and horrid - enough to LEAVE. it took over 30 years of my life to get there and that damage stays with you forever at that point but yeah, at least i can help others maybe get out a bit earlier
Post separation stalking not only affects the person being stalked, but often many others in the community. My self and my two good neighbors were all awakened by someone's angry ex boyfriend pounding on each of our doors at 4:30 AM. He barged right into one of my neighbor's apartments when the door was opened. He screamed like a maniac out in the parking lot before the cops finally came. Apparently, he stalked his poor ex girlfriend all the way to one of her friends homes here where she was staying to get away from him.
The thing that still really twists my gut is that so many people treat their partners like absolute crap and refuse to make the slightest effort to curate their relationships, and then they get mad when the person they've devalued takes initiative to leave. And in order to get that person back in their life, they do the most repellent shit they can think of. They don't want to keep their romantic partner; they want to keep their emotional/physical punching bag.
how can an ordinary person make it stop? what a perfect, perfect point. we as a society really need to stop victim shaming--especially aimed at women. it reminds me of the whole "what was she wearing" canard. no one asks a man what he was wearing that attracted the mugger who mugged him. on her historical clothing youtube channel, "snappy dragon" mentions news and magazine articles from the late 19th and early 20th centuries where women who were basically armored in their corsets and socially distanced in their hoops nonetheless found themselves resorting to pulling out their hatpins to stab at male attackers and unwanted male advances. "it's almost like it was never about the clothing," she observes. we need to teach men that they're not entitled to women's bodies.
us here... very well said... I believe the porn industry which is so easily accessible is worsening the problem creating mindsets that women are merely objects to be used as they please...used and abused.
@@lovearttherapyalways interesting point! i support sex workers in whatever capacity they choose, but porn really does seem to objectify women to a lot of men. there's no way women can work with such men, like in an office as fellow professionals, because those men will never see them as full-fledged equal humans--especially if they're young and attractive. i feel like there must be a reasonable place for porn somewhere...not that i know where that would be! in any case, western society definitely needs better parents--like dr. ramani and her spouse did with their children, parents need to teach their children empathy first and foremost.
*You HIT THE NAIL on the HEAD* 🔨 This IS 100% about the feeling of ENTITLEMENT to a woman's body but the more shocking fact is that it is accepted as a NORM! But guess where and how they (males) acquire and learn that entitlement from? As a mother of boys I assure you they are NOT born with this mentality. So here's the qs: Do we do anything to STOP this pattern of thinking when these 'men' are still little BOYS? Look at the advertisements and marketing all around us. How are women being *portrayed*? Listen to talk shows and other media. How do they talk about women by and large? With Respect and Honor? Or are they discussed as Objects of Lust and Seduction. What you hear repeatedly (over and over again), you believe, what you believe you become. As Women we don't object to being objectified. Not LOUDLY enough. Some women go as far as making this very objectification the very standard for appreciation from Men. So who is then creating the Cognitive Dissonance in young minds? Women don't truly realize the Power they have in shaping and developing human minds. They just don't. Too busy wanting to catch up with Men in a race that was never designed for them but they were forced into. As a result women have sadly bought into a plethora of lies and even joined men in looking down at Motherhood when the Truth is there is nothing more powerful on this planet than being a Mother. Alas, if only they understood it.
I am a survivor and it has been 19 years post marriage which became more threatening than the marriage relationship. I remind myself that I am the healthy one even when the church, my family, and others try to blame me. Thank you for making a voice to the subject. It gave me a sigh of relief to be heard and understood.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, I applaud you for bringing this to the light!!! The hovering, stalking & hellish tactics used by abusive people (men & women alike) after you leave them is a nightmare. For some of us, it can last a lifetime. For others it ends in our deaths. The toll this takes on children can affect generations. I pray that there is a time where the law will care & protect those of us in these situations. God bless you Dr. Ramani ❤.
@@realliving7340 I assume you are a woman from what you have said in your comments. And I find it interesting when men write about their experiences with female narcs they do not recognise the way men treat women and that more women get abused. In fact men use their narc partners to further abuse all womankind and generalise the behaviour to all women! But women who talk about abuse from men somehow feel the need to become apologists for the men as a group. It is because little girls grow up afraid of boys and men, then they hear excuses made by other female apologists for men and the cycle continues. The fact is you did not need to recognise men's problems in you comment, but you know if you didn't along would come a male commentator to bash you with saying you are a 'man hater'. So you self censor first for fear of their attacks, which are common all over the internet towards women on ANY opinion where she doesn't recognize the male side to the argument as an apology to save their precious delicate male feelings. 🙄 It's like every f**king woman on the internet has to have a disclaimer that she is sorry if she has upset a man with her opinion or life experiences! 🙄
@@realliving7340 You do that. 🙄 Keep being overly 'fair' to men, who treat women like sh*it. No man has grown up afraid to walk the streets at night or on public transport. It is a shame on women that they still make excuses for men when they know their daughters have to be afraid of getting the 'wrong' attention, wearing the 'wrong' skirt or top, or being too loud, or speaking up for herself for fear of threats. JK ROWLING has had death and ra*pe threats just for expressing her opinion. Men don't get that treatment from women! I won't cite the millions of examples of the trafficking, porn, ra*pes, girls at school getting assaulted, upskirting, dickpics, university campus ra*pes, domestic violence and murders, honour killings, forced marriages, underage, school girl and ra*pe fetishes normalised by men, inequality in all areas of life, catcalls on the street, even to our teen daughters, the list goes on and on. But hey.god forbid we say that for fear of a man saying "not all of us are like that", which is bs as they all enable each other as the bros. I have never seen a black person make excuses for white supremacists! Woman get treated like sh*it because they excuse what men do. Your apologist approach, that women can't talk about abuse by men without giving them consideration for the rare times they have something happen to them, which is never as bad as they aren't disadvantaged in the first place, is disgusting and the very reason our daughters suffer.
Thank you for sharing this. I left my now ex-husband a year ago after he shoved me in bed because I stole the blankets (not on purpose). He is a retired police officer, has guns all over the place, but I cannot get a protective order because I can't prove that he was physically abusive (since he didn't leave a mark on me). I guess I would need to get a more severe beating to qualify for any protection. Sad that our society minimizes the potential damage these individuals can cause. I try not to live in fear, but I know the potential danger that I face each day.
I can’t imagine the emotional pain from being shoved by someone who is supposed to love you, especially in bed, where you are most vulnerable and should not only feel safe with your partner but should feel protected. 😥 I’m glad you got out.
Agreed!! It is an absolute must-read for all! He has such a phenomenal talent for tackling big, difficult topics in a poignant, eloquent way. His humor makes serious messages easier to receive, but leaves you looking at things in a new way and really thinking deeply. I absolutely adore Trevor.
I was living with/married to a narc psychopath for 23 years. My fear is death. The only abuse I didn't suffer was physical because then there'd be proof. I finally got the courage to leave. I've been in hiding ever since. I still protect my family & old friends by keeping contact to nearly nothing, color me estranged. They don't know my address, I have no phone, I hardly ever email, no social media. My ex always had the long game in mind so I & mine aren't safe until he's dead which I hope will be a slow, incapacitating & painful process. I'm hoping that in his next few lives, he has to live as I have or worse.
Yes, there were one or two friends who asked me "What did you do to him to cause him to neglect and financially abuse you? Remember you told us you had doubts?" "Could you be THE narcissist?" even though I wasn't the one controlling lying gaslighting projecting blame-shifting etc. I didn't even know these "mind games" terms exist until I met narcissists. I left these friends because I finally recognize they claim to love me, trying to help me pick apart myself to "see my own faults", while excusing the abuse and demanding unconditional forgiving of terrible NPD abuse, including alcohol abuse, taking and hiding every cent. These "friends" were judgmental, they demand perfection from me. Would appreciate if anyone can confirm - is this a form of gaslighting?
Anyone who encourages you to put up with abusive behaviour under the 'you must forgive it' mantra, is not your friend and is adding to the distabling impact of the narcissists mind games. Yes it's gaslighting and it's cruel. You deserve so much better. Only let the nice people into your inner circle. X
Yes it is! When I was in college, had a potential new boyfriend get mad at me for something and throw a quart of me on me in my dorm lobby in front of thirty people, before I got a chance to ask him why, the dorm director says loudly, this is the problem with you girls, you don't know how to treat a man that is why they treat you like this! Fortunately I had enough presence of mind to tell the worthless punk to leave before I reported him to campus police. To my surprise he left and I never saw him again. Then I jumped down the dorm director's throat for sticking her nose in my business.
Yes get away from friends like that! Real friends offer real support and transparency. Thank God for a very good close friend of mines always reassured me that I am not losing my mind.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this pertinent video. I worked as a mental health worker at a psychiatric hospital for 10 years. I had the impression that many of these women admitted were railroaded there. One in particular told me her story and later I was told not to feed into her disorder by listening to her ramblings. Another woman who was having marriage difficulties was prescribed a medication for Depression. She went insane for 5 days and that gave the husband reason for divorce and child custody. You are absolutely right that the system is to blame. My question is can we somehow train local enforcement to detect patterns of narcisstic abuse because the narcissists have all the manipulative power otherwise?
Narcissistic abuse is essentially coercive control - so those patterns need to be identified so psychological and emotional abuse/coercive control are illegal. Some places it is illegal - many not though. There is a reason one of the abuse tactics is called “crazy making” it’s so psychologically damaging. There is also “reactive abuse” where they bait to get the response they want and keep pushing until their victim breaks - only to gaslight and show everyone that the victim is the bad one. It’s very sadistic and means they keep control, like a bully - keeping people below them for their ego. It’s equivalent to sadistic murder - just instead of death, they take pleasure in torturing someone alive, psychologically.
One mental health worker has seen the pattern? The "crazy making" technique has been used against women for centuries, the typical diagnosis for a disobedient was "hysteria". A daughter who didn't want to get married? Hysterical. Locked in mental ward, drugged and electroshocked. A woman who couldn't handle the abuse anymore and snapped? Hysterical. Same treatment. You know that in China the mentally ill are family's responsability? And you know what it takes, usually a male (father/brother/husband) to prove that a woman is mentally ill? NOTHING. They call the cops and say the woman is insane and she's locked. Doctors there evaluate absolutely nothing and have no permission to release the patience unless the "guardian" allows it. We don't need to go that far. Look at Britney Spears case. A famous celebrity. One public meltdown that was more a display of anger than anything and she was turned into her family's personal slave for 13 years. And if she wasn't a public figure with capacity to afford a good lawyer she would still be treated as a dementia patient, being forced to take whatever drugs, and do whatever they wanted. I know a forensic psychologist who works in a woman's shelter and she told me majority of women diagnosed with "borderline" are victims of domestic violence. Many times they use the "crazy" card so they can go to hospital where they feel safe. In some cases Doctors realize something is going on and contact the shelters. Still these women get a "mentally ill" label for life and one doesn't wanna hang with such because from the moment you get one everything you say immediately turns into "lie" "manipulation" "call for attention" "paranoia" "delusions". Psychiatry feeds human rights abuse and should be abolished.
@@hadassah6085 There's an old saying that all politics is local, so my assumption is that one little person, like me, has to contact my local institutions, such as, a women's shelter and ask them how I can help influence local authorities to recognize the patterns of abuse so as to influence policy? Would that be a reasonable process to undertake? Is there a more influential method to undertake?
@@Sarablueunicorn I guess we force ourselves to see order in a world where order doesn't really exist. Doing otherwise would cause too much unbearable cognitive dissonance. Not fighting back though, when we see it, is spiritual suicide.
Many states including California have laws against Coercive control. Please note that if you tell a doctor that you have been sexually abused or a victim of sexual assault during childhood you can be denied opiod analgesics over the fear you might become addicted to them . The major pharmacies like Walgreens, CVS , etc use an algorithm called Narxscore that gives points to determine if you will be addicted. Woman ? Sexual assault? Drive a certain distance to the doctor or pharmacy? More than one doctor? As unfair as this is ,all of these will be points against you. Like the Terminator you cannot argue with or reason with the algorithm because it is a proprietary tool that only the manufacture knows how it works. Please be careful because at some point you will need opiod analgesics. The American pain and disability foundation website can explain this better than I can. Take this seriously everyone.
As a survivor of this type of behavior, I'm very grateful for all who are using your platforms to raise awareness. The length of the my relationship with this man was minimal (6 mo). The harassment went on for 2 years. I was lucky. I had resources to combat it- a very responsive and close small community law enforcement team, the financial resources to install cameras, locks, and consult lawyers and investigators. But the courts were of very little use, even though I discovered multiple petitions for protective orders had been filed against this man in my county alone. And the hands of my local police were relatively tied. They could only assure me that when he eventually moved on to another target, it would stop. Gods help her, whoever she is, because it finally did. But not before my job was threatened, my kids were threatened, I had to turn my life upside down to inform those around me and protect myself as best I could. That these people roam the streets unchecked is an absolute nightmare. Raising awareness and empowerment to the level that people can identify and reject getting involved with them in the first place is so very important. Thank you for what you do. I very much believe you are saving lives.
The amount of harm they do really should warrant more effective protective measures. It is insane that they get to destroy people’s lives and walk scot free.
This is why it’s hard to leave!!! When someone is abusing you, you know it gets worse at the point of separation. We need so much more support for survivors… There need to be real consequences for perpetrators too.
For those who do not know, Trevor Noah's own Mother was shot in the head by Trevor's Step Father. So, it is something that has happened within his close family members. Yes, he is being a stand up person in calling out stalking & refusal to accept that one person wants out of a relationship. So yes, kudos to Trevor for using his voice to bring it into the light.
I don't watch this stuff, but I have to ask..what compels all of you to make this person feel bad for watching him, or having an opinion about him?. It might not be your view of him or whatever but I sit back and watch this to much.. But today is the day if shining light on things I guess.. Everyone is made different, everyone likes different things, people may have their head in the sand, some may be brainwashed but unless you are a close family member concerned about the major parts of ourselves that may hurt us then who the hell are you all to cast anything to this person? To the basics of each person to just likes or dislikes why is society all about comment shaming? Your social warrior stances are a lack of insecurity on your part. What's Ironic is you are in a community of Narrcism recovery but then just showed that maybe ya'll need to be on another support group, cause it just screams narrasitic when you shove your opinion into someone else opinion. What makes ya'll so damn special? or more better bc you think you know why this person shouldn't feel the way she/he does? I along with this person fond the trolling hilarious but many people care about comments and absorb your toxic words. Cool you don't like him, this person does..what's the saying?? .... Oh yeah gooooooooooo 🖕 yourself. DR. Ramini is it possible we have imposters on this channel to find new source? I mean I am not gonna full blown get into an argument with these idiots but I will call out things that are WRONG and then carry on. Our society is so doomed.. No one can think for themselves, No one can do good without super jealous haters shit posting on their channel or comments No one can possible like or believe in something and share it. It's like social media created monsters of mass destruction. Isn't that what God created? For humans to take their stance on things with free will? People are recovering from such tragic relationships and find support here and y'all who made big deal over SOMEONE'S opinion, you'd think you'd have better behavior amongst this community. Just wow R.A Andrews 😂😂 they think their opinion overrides yours I suppose. But didn't mean I wasn't gonna blast these people for it, even though I know why they do it. Nothin changes if no one turns that mirror back on em.
My parents are divorced 22 years. My father still harasses us kids and why mother to this day. He remarried, is going through another divorce and still harasses us. He was recently arrested for domestic abuse of this new wife as well. When my mother moved to a different state four years ago his behavior only got worse. He found her new landline phone number. He harasses my younger sibling and I and occasionally finds ways to get around our blocks of him, calling at 3 or 4am, repeatedly. My sibling had to disconnect a landline phone. He's had a stroke and is showing signs of dementia and his behavior only gets worse.
After 7 years I’m still suffering this. My young adult kids have noticed it since separation and have seen the flying monkey toxicity themselves. Of course, I am the one blamed for talking to them about it and poisoning them. I am astonished at how articulate the kids have been about it and the insight they seem to have . Maybe that’s the flip side of the connected world we live in. There is so much more help available at the click of a mouse now. It’s still very difficult to navigate though.
Too many people label the truth telling of these relationships as smear campaigns also. The truth isn't a smear. Bless you in your healing and I'm glad you had the strength to be honest with your experiences.
@@lisarodriguez6966 Thank you Lisa. I have gotten to the point where I’m not bothered at all for me. I never thought I’d get there, but I did! My main concern is how my kids process it. If they’re ok, then I am.
@@robinbelliveau1818 I believe when/if you reach a point of indifference you're much more free, while keeping your children's mental and physical health protected. It takes you from survivor to thriver.
Yes, they always say, "We'd never blame the Victim" yet they ALWAYS do. Totally unethical & WRONG and a comete miscarriage of Justice. Travesty!!! 💔🙏🏼😣
My story is 30+ years old. I lost everything, including my two children. I look back and say to myself that no matter how others feel about me as a person, my children weren't drug through a nasty divorce. My ex-husband only cared about himself. I wasn't going to use the children as pawns in the divorce. He continued to isolate them from me, until I left Arizona. Then he blamed me for leaving state. I love my children, but have no contact with them. My daughter blames me for everything, taking her father's side. This is the hurt of all hurts. I move forward and feel totally alone in life, knowing I did what I could with no support.
I really appreciated what he said and what DL Hughley said as well. People are taking sides and acting like it’s a tv show or football game. It’s not. We already witnessed a narcissist in power as president for 4 years. We are now publicly witnessing the abusive and controlling behavior of a narc in a relationship.
I went through being stalked and harrassed for almost 2 years. I had to move and change phone numbers. I was scarred by this and am afraid to ever date again. I am also very exhausted from this as I was going through so much at the same time. These men are so enititled that they delusionally believe they own us.
It was an incredible monologue. Thanks to Trevor for bringing it to light. I was harassed by my ex narc friend for a while. Then she found another friend and new supply. I’m dead to her now, and I am sooooo grateful I was replaced. That was only a 3-year friendship and it was traumatic. I cannot imagine what others are going through to get out of these toxic and debilitating situations.
My ex during our divorce put me and our children through so much. My tires were slashed twice, I was falsely accused of wanting to hit him with my car. Started arguments at kids pick up. We are now finally divorced. I still receive abusive emails once in a while. But after 3 years of this I am still have fear. Fear that my tires will get slashed or that he will send someone to hurt me. I tried getting a restraining order and it was denied.
I rarely comment on youtube videos, but wanted to comment on this one. I am a victim of post-separation stalking. Two weeks ago my ex was arrested, charged with stalking, spent a night in jail and is now facing a criminal trial. I wanted to say that sometimes the court system will help you. Video all interactions in person with your ex such as child exchanges. Keep all emails and text messages from your ex. I recommend not responding, but when you have to respond, respond in a manner that you would feel comfortable having a judge read your response, because someday they just might. Most of all do not be afraid to ask for help. I feel that some police departments and court systems are starting to realize the magnitude of this issue. Take a consolidated version of the videos, texts, emails, etc with the most offending sections highlighted to your local police department or domestic violence center. Take the same information and apply for a protective order. They may help you, if not at least you will be alerting them that there is an issue. Your stalker is betting that you will not seek help. Do not let them win. Some people say that this will only escalate the abuse, but more than likely the abuse you are experiencing is already escalating. Dr. Ramani, your book Should I Stay or Should I Go was the final push I needed to file for divorce. I will always be grateful for that. God bless you and I am wishing everyone the courage and strength to hold their stalker accountable.
I saw the episode last night and when he got to "how can someone with that much power, still not be able to protect herself" I thought whoa! We do such work trying to set boundaries, but in the end we are sadly at their whim.... I also did not know that about him. I admire Trevor Noah SO much and have followed him for years. It's such a sad topic 😞
When I called the police when my narcissistic ex husband had come home at 3am and was smashing up the house, the first thing the dispatcher asked me was, "Why is he doing this?"
My own mother did this. After her absolutely terrifying tantrum of narcissistic rage and violence, she followed me across the entire country and would randomly show up at my college dorm. Luckily I'd moved out and given no one but a trusted sibling my new address, but just knowing she was at my former apartment was terrifying. I suffered a breakdown when I saw her car in town. I don't even let friends post pictures of me on any social media because she's found me that way. She even tried (and failed, thank heavens) to manipulate my new address and contact info out of my church leaders so that she could continue to guilt, threaten, abuse, and harass me. This is no joke. Thank you for talking about this.
One thing that is not talked about is how law enforcement not only often looks the other way, but sometimes helps the abuser carry out post-relationship abuse. So not all abusers are under the radar.. Some of them have a connection that enables them to use law enforcement to carry out their sick, personal vendetta.
I experienced this in a domestic violence marriage. It took turning point to get me out. I had no resources. I had 2 children. I started a lawn service and cleaning service to make an income. Doing what ever I could to get a home and provide for MY children. He did everything he could to destroy me. Damage my truck by throwing paint thinner all over it. Stealing my equipment. Stalking me and following me everywhere while carrying a gun. I finally got him arrested and we went to trial which was hell and a lot of money, time, energy. I didn't think what I did was victory, but the courts told me that I was the first one to ever get this far in court for domestic violence and stalking and trying to destroy me and my kids. "1994" He had a choice to go to jail for a couple of years or permanently move out of state and establish a new residence and never ever allowed back in Michigan or He would be tried again. The best Christmas gift ever was when we were told he was gone and living in Florida. I chose for him to move instead of jail because I didn't want to deal with him when he got out. I'm still healing from all this but also feeling empowered. I really want to do something about this but not sure what. I'm raising awareness about mental health and suicide awareness but narcs there's not alot you can do like Dr. Ramani said. I'm going to keep fighting but work on living in The here and now. Dr. Ramani I could feel your heart and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for doing this. This is something!! 💞💞💞💞💞💪💪💪
WOW 1994! I can barely imagine the hurdles you faced. If I may, I think / wish / hope that teaching the young in our lives to recognize narc behavior in particular and to value themselves enough to walk away from any relationship early if they are seeing bad signs. This is not limited to romantic relationships. Narcs can ruin your life at work, etc too
@@kc7280 I agree if possible. I tried to help my kids but my daughter had her share as well. Always trying to break the pattern. Not going to lie. My life has been hell since childhood. Now coming into my own and being empowered for the rest of my journey. ☺️
I feel the same way. Got out after 20 years of emotional abuse. I feel women who have been victims of abuse need to stand together to fight and get laws changed to protect women(and men) from this kind of abuse. **it’s against the law in England. We are so behind and corrupted in our legal system here**
I watched Trevor Noah's monolog on this too. and I was so thankful he did it. and I am so thankful that you expanded on this hidden terrorism in America and really all over the world. The UK is so far the only place I've heard of to implement coercive control laws that raise these behaviors to a collective level of a serious crime. I cry every time i see anybody acknowledge this problem for what it really is. betrayal of all your fellow mankind. if you let slip that the abuse is getting to you, then you become the only known problem in the situation. its like being hogtied in front of all the people that claim to love you, and nobody is allowed to acknowledge how trapped I am. how imprisoned I am in this abuse. when he stole my medical records and went after my career and degree, what is the point of even trying to get away from him anymore? He made sure he has access and dependence and connection through the kids to keep hurting me for the rest of my life. and the world has told me straight up, they are just fine with this outcome. as long as I shut up about it.
A friend's daughter got a court order for the baby daddy who hit her black & blue during her pregnancy. She broke it off, she had a witness, photos of her black eye - the judge said the father (who lost his job) deserves visiting rights. Also- I believe people can die of a broken heart form the layers of abuse. People can die an early death because of the stress of emotional abuse.
Dr Ramini, you’re awesome! I watched Trevor Noah’s commentary, and felt/thought as you do about this huge problem, think O.J. In 1972 I separated from my husband. He took our baby, had a shotgun, and refused to hand either of them over. I didn’t know it at the time, but the ammunition didn’t work for that rifle. The police were called, I got my baby back, and thankfully no one was injured physically… so traumatizing!!! It could have ended in tragedy, like so many incidents like this one🙏
I assume this is about Kim and Kanye and I have to say, I’m happy that someone finally said something. That loser has been harassing his ex for months now and no one has said anything about his abusive behavior! Sickening
As a survivor, I thank you for highlighting this topic. I found the only way forward for me was to have no direct contact (this may not be appropriate in other situations). I insisted that everything would be through the legal system because it didn’t matter what was said ... he would twist it to something else. There is no easy or good route out of these situations. It takes its toll on health, all relationships, work, finances and on and on. Just keep as a priority the children’s and your safety. Many people won’t believe you and that’s ok. Just move on from them, life is too short and they’re not your friends if they don’t believe you or think you’re making it up. They (narcissist) get their kicks out of trying to destroy you, your children, anything or anyone or anything important to you. Don’t try to understand what makes them tick, just get you and your children and any vulnerable adults away to safety. Safety and peace and some chance of being able to live a normal life and for the children to be able to experience a normal life. May anyone reading this escape and be safe. You deserve it. ☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️ 🌲😢☘️
Trevor Noah is one of the most eloquent communicators we have in the English language, and of deep emotional intelligence. Thank you Dr R for drawing our attention to this, I hadn’t heard it.
I’ve always known that my situation was light years from the worst of them. My intermittent phone stalker was my aging, narcissistic mother. While she stalked me at work and sent the police to my door, she didn’t have the mobility to actually come see me. In it’s entirety though, the phone and police phobia I developed wasn’t entirely the worst. It was others, in particular one, who thought that the remedy was to go see her. It’s like being told, “Only YOU can fix this, by going to see your stalker. And, she’s not a stalker. She’s your mother. She’s not stalking you. She owns you, for life.” So, for those who deal with more agile, relentless stalkers, that wake to every day, feeling they have to look over their shoulders and any and everyone else only sees them as being the problem, I feel for you. Stalking is actually abuse, whether your local law thinks so or not. Being told to return to it and to allow it to happen to you, is a showing of how, as I’ve said before, it is a system and quite a sick system it is.
It's epidemic. Based on what I learned from my police department's Crime Victim Unit, doctors, judges (and even police officers!) are included in the mix. My impression is there isn't enough time or resources to respond to the "pettiness" of it all as most of the stuff not just flies under the radar, it isn't criminal, either. Put together over time, it's criminal harassment and stalking. But that's what it takes, a lot of time. Stalking laws should be enough. But I guess that accountability is only reserved for "stars" because the courts would be plugged up with stalking complaints. And truly, there isn't enough room in the jails for these guys - who I might add are celebrated and promoted in the corporate world for their "wins". It's tragic.
@@janeydoe1403 The police actually don’t even know when they’re being used to stall, as in the case of my mother. I had one police officer tell me To just go visit her, once in awhile. I told him, respectfully, that would never happen. Another officer caught wind and told me to send her a second cease and desist letter. But, although my mother needed to sign for them, she’d just say she doesn’t remember receiving them and to send another. That was her way of saying that I’d just have to wear myself out, trying to stop her. But, I told her that I don’t at all mind dragging her into court. For the most part, the law cannot keep up with old fashioned cops and robbers crimes. My mother sued a company, in the IP (intellectual property) law realm. But, as the world is full of different countries, with different jurisdictions, it went nowhere. Also, during a time when even police departments have to pay ransom, to get access to their data, narcissism doesn’t have a chance. That’s not without understanding that they just don’t care. As far as they’re concerned, complaining about being stalked, is like complaining that someone’s walking behind you, on a city street. Financial abuse? Shoulda been smarter. You let it happen to yourself and, yes, mom tried that, too. Unless you’re found dead, and even then, it won’t even make the news. It really comes down to a world where the victim is faulted, for not being able the escape a predator. That, whatever happens to you, may as well be at your own hands, with a narcissist in particular, ending up looking like a standup citizen - for attempting to or succeeding at wrecking your life. People have told me that I’m strong but, it’s felt like, “What choice do I have???” On the heels of learning about my mother’s narcissism, I had to back down a couple of narcissistic coworkers and a couple of narcissistic neighbors. These people are all over the place. It’s a good thing I’m a creative and am comfortable with my own company, because I enjoy solitude and, if I tell you that I’d like to be alone or I’m busy, you’d best get going, before things grow dark.😊
@@privateprivate8366 Everywhere: so true. I'm a pretty friendly person but have resorted to solitude (which I don't mind one bit) because my experience is anyone who has befriended me was with the intent to triangulate me from their domain. The long and short of it is, I just keep things light and friendly and keep things at an acquaintance level and do not let anyone want to "bestie" me right out of the gate. That just means they're sizing me up to take me down. Yes, serious trust issues, here. haha
@@janeydoe1403 yep, same. Perhaps, worse for me and some others, when it’s your parent. Because when do you want start trusting them. When they’re dead? Took me decades and a slipping mask for me to figure out who my mother was. A part of me feels sorry for her plight and wishes she had a longer life and another part of me wishes she were alive so I could punch her in the face.
The first 12 years after my divorce was so painfully riddled with post-relationship abuse that I struggled emotionally, financially and socially. I lost jobs, relationships and even family support. The last 3 years have been quiet, but that doesn't mean stress free or that this torment is over. Maybe it is or maybe this is the eye of the storm / waiting for the other foot... Our kids, that I've raised alone and have been used mercilessly as pawns, are almost legal adults. I am so close to the end of my prison sentence, that I can almost feel "hope" again.
5:52-5:57..."these systems are not designed for prevention, they are designed for blame." 💥 Worked in the field of domestic violence for over 20 years, I can fully attest to this statement. Abusers fair well in the family court and criminal legal system because they are among like minded people, if you understand what I mean. I would also tell my clients who had any legal case/matter against the abuser, to prepare herself to battle...battle the abuser AND the system. And in over 20 years in the system, the laws against family and intimate partner violence have increased over the years but so has also the abusers' astuteness in manipulating these laws to work for them.
I agree... how did you survive 20 years? (Serious question.) I was so lucky to happen into a senior SW that recognized my trauma and took the best part of an afternoon to explain this to me.
Emmanuel King - Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Maybe someday we could require mental health evaluations for everyone who wants to work in the family court and criminal legal system. I know I'm a dreamer, but I'm just trying to think of what could possibly help the system to shift toward respect for survivors of family and partner violence.
@@fredhubbard7210 This will sound cliche but it was my calling, just work I felt I needed to do. The survivors I worked with were amazing but what burned me out most of the time was dealing with all the outside systems I previously mentioned, like constantly hitting a brick wall. And working in these non-profit crime victims' agencies also had it's problems. But the work was very important and I learned a lot of life lessons from survivors, like holding on to your humanity, no matter what.
@@lovesings2us That actually is a great idea and makes sense but abusers are so manipulative that they'll find a way to ace the tests! But it is a good idea. One thing I know is still needed are much more intensive trainings on domestic violence across the board and arming survivors with all the information and tools they need to face these systems more effectively.
Thank you for this video.., unfortunately this is my current reality also. The flying just under the radar is so true. I share a 8 year old son with my ex & it breaks my heart to see him put in the middle of this. His father weaponizes anything & anyone for his own agenda. It's all just collateral damage. Even if it's his own 8 year old's emotional health & well being that gets destroyed in the path. It's very hard to go on with your life & get any headway while someone is purposely trying to sabotage everything you do.
I was not sleeping for months from his harassments! Harassed our family and friends too! Unbelievable!! No normal human being would do that to a partner they say they love. Threats, accusations, lies, cheating, all things that he did. He turned it around like I was the one who committed those vile acts 😣 Where do they get the energy?? When do they stop the hoovering?!
I shared Trevor's video with many of my friends and family because it touched my heart so much! I absolutely love & admire him so much because he uses humor to reach people but he knows when to be serious & take things seriously without crossing disrespectful lines. He's been through so much & yet is such a wise young man & uses his platform for good & I admire that so much! Violence & abuse is getting way to out of control & as an abuse victim of every type, it's scary & frustrating to see the abusers have way more rights & help available than those of us they harm! It makes asking for help feel meaningless & hopeless which is something I struggle despite being there for others I myself haven't had anyone to help me personally. It's made me withdraw & become afraid to leave my home for years now. I pray for change & help daily & people like Trevor give me hope I desperately need! 💜🙏🏽🦋
I was agoraphobic for years and severely depressed. It took a long time to heal and move forward with my life, making choices for myself and taking care of -myself-. YOU are the most important person in your life ♡ I hope you find your path and light through this ✨ stay strong x
Spoken bravely from someone who recognized the signs & red flags is awesome! I believe all those who have lived through abuse are constantly hyper-vigilant to everyone’s behavior in the room & witnessing or reading about these abusive situations is so triggering for me personally. Thank you Trevor Noah for using your platform to speak up!
I just went through this in court. I had a no contact order of protection for a year and went to have it extended. The narc posted my full name and threats on face book and TikTok. I was given a year extension and because we have a divorce pending I was able to add a contingency to the divorce for a life time no contact order of protection. The lifetime order enables me to just contact the police if he violates it at anytime. It doesn't prevent him from still posting on the edge of the law. I was able to present the posts as a reason to extend the DVOP.He is so malicious.
Myself and my children suffered post separation abuse for over 20 years. I went no contact but he knew he could use our children as weapons. They both have depression and anxiety,but chose to carry on with their relationship with him. I should have gotten as far away from him as possible but simply didn't have the resources. He punished me until I found the courage to stop being scared. It has taken its toll on us all. He even used the cancer diagnosis and subsequent death of my eldest daughter against me, using my number to send abusive texts as I'd had to ask him to pick up our children from school for the first time ever. I'd never asked him for help before. I resent him for trying to ruin my relationship with my children and the long term trauma we all went through.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving your time, energy, talent, and focus on supporting and educating victims of this abuse as well as giving a voice to the victims who are neglected, dehumanized, broken, and forgotten/ignored. I am in so much pain from the abuse I hardly remember what its like to feel human. I have begged for anyone to care and all I get is ignored and manipulated even more. Thank you!
Happy for you because I been there, literally yelled at store employees to call the police and they just stood there looking dumb while a male barked and threatened me. I was utterly disgusted & tbh majority of humans are pretty shitty cause I doubt they even called after we left the store. Probably just watched from inside while he continued to torture me in the street. People just look n stare 😤
After leaving my ex (our child and I went to a refuge), we literally had to go into hiding because he had tried to kill me already. I had to delete all my social media, change my number, I had to warn my child’s new school not to post photos of him or mention his name on their website, I had to put together an ‘abduction pack’ which contains my child’s DNA (via a hair sample), my ex’s known contacts and lots of documentation and other info, in case my ex found my son and abducted him. Whenever I went outside the door, I was always looking over my shoulder and anxious at all times. That is so unbelievably stressful which is what you DON’T need after years of being in an extremely stressful DV situation. People often think that once you leave, that’s the happy ending and life will be good. For me, this was definitely not the case for reasons mentioned above and also because - once you leave - you start to feel again and start to process what you’ve been through all those years and that’s very traumatic in itself.
Not only is society asking us: "What Did You Do To Deserve The Abuse?" But we are often asking that same blame-shifting question to ourselves. And that is the tragedy.
I wish this kind of awareness was known when I was going through it in the early 90s. My (now adult) children and I would have very different lives today.
Ahh, the "what if" meandering. What if we could go back in time ? What if we already did and we're now here in the past changing the future for the better ? Funny thing, this perception of "time". czcams.com/video/goroyZbVdlo/video.html
@chifundo Triguthank you. I actually became stronger over the years, but both my children were damaged and still struggle. I had no idea when I was so young how life-altering his kind of abuse is for kids. I was always trying to be strong and do the right thing for my family, but I should have just taken my kids and left when they were small. It took me years of counseling and co-dependency recovery to heal. I’m doing great now. But my kids have issues. 😢❤️
This has been my story for over 20 years now. I purposely move often and avoid working at the same place so my ex-narc husband (who was extremely abusive in all ways) can’t easily find me. I’m so tired though. I said that Kanye reminds me if my ex so much. And regardless of Kim’s past, she doesn’t (and no one else) deserves abuse. I’ve heard so many people say she deserves it because of the strangest things. I mean do these people hear themselves?! And I absolutely love Dr Ramani and Trevor Noah-2 very brilliant and dedicated people.
I know from watching my narc in-laws go through multiple divorces that a narc doesn’t let go. Several of them have been divorced for decades and they bitterly talk about their exes as if the divorce(s) just happened recently. On another note regarding victim blaming,a friend of mine told me recently about someone’s relationship problems. She’s not aware of my situation. She victim blamed and said “she must like it or she’d leave”. I tried to explain that leaving is easier said than done.
Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge this matter and thanking Trevor Noah for doing so, too. One day, I dream that our policies would change to where this is acknowledged for what it is- abuse, in its most wicked and harmful ways, as it does run under the radar.
I cried after watching Trevor Noah's video. I have never heard a man speak with such grace, truth, understanding, and compassion as he did, about what so many abuse survivors experience. He brought awareness to a topic that is so often swept under the rug and minimized by mainstream culture.
🙏🏼❤️Heaven Bless You Dr. Ramani❤️❤️🙏🏼 This one had me in tears. 3rd attempt at a Stalking Injunction...ignored & even tossed in the garbage by yet another (male) Judge.💔 No one wants to call a spade a spade - Domestic Violence IS Domestic Violence. WHEN does it STOP?!? 🙏🏼❤️🔥💔😣😢 #EnoughIsEnough #FightBack #KeepFighting
I very highly recommend Trevor's book "Borne A Crime." His life experience, insight, empathy and humor is enlightening, heart warming, and inspiring. His mother and grandmother are incredibly inspiring women.
An important thing to note is that this psychological torture can be a precursor to physical violence. Even if you didn't experience it during the relationship violence can happen afterwards. Don't wait to get a restraining order and work with a domestic violence advocacy group in your area. If someone doesn't believe you tell them you are moving and block them on social media so they can't find you and tell the abuser.
Thank you for this. We in the family violence community have known this all along but like sexual harassment in the workplace nobody wanted to hear it. Recognizing Trevor's contribution in such a supportive and articulate way is a wonderful public service especially to the children,
Actually saw that monologue yesterday and thought the exact same thing - he was incredibly eloquent (as always) and did a great job shining a light on such a difficult issue.
Yes, yes and yes. It was unfathomable to my ex that I could leave and he continued his control and anger where he could, and it usually involved the children. I found it interesting that this has escalated since the seventies, when uncontested divorce was becoming the norm.
The capacity of vindictive narcissists to stalk can be astounding and difficult to comprehend when it occurs. When I left my physically and mentally abusive ex, he manipulated my own narcissistic parents who disowned me and invited him to the family events for 5 years when I refused to reconcile. He used my family to keep track of my activities for decades. It really destroyed my already-poor relationship with my parents.
My ex did this too. He attempted to make my more gullible and toxic family members dependent on his different gifts and favors, even though he was doing a piss poor job of helping out with the basics for our children. When I finally left he tried to turn them against me so I had nowhere and no one to turn to.
My main takeaway from the K&K story is that I can really not like a person but still have enormous amounts of empathy for them. (Which I guess isn’t that far from my complicated feelings towards my abuser… I still care about him and empathize with everything he’s gone through, but he will never be a part of my life again because I will not give him the opportunity to hurt me any more.)
It really sucks when you were not in a relationship and never wanted them to begin with. Thank you so much for this!!! In my case, they do things in a way to remain hidden. They made it impossible to get evidence due to sabotage, paying people in the background to be henchmen, phone/computer hacking, etc... And police do not believe you because no one believes someone is that unhinged... Prayers to all that are going through this.
I’m so glad I chose not to have children with my narcissistic policeman husband. While he was never physically abusive to me but he used to gaslight me a lot and I had a lot of fear of his guns and knives. So finally after 3 years of marriage I left him. Meanwhile his curiosity would get the best of him and he would cruise by my various residences while on patrol. So the strangest encounter was when he followed my baby and I into tiny store while on duty. We had a brief but civil conversation. But funny even 15 years later just hearing his voice while at the mall could strike fear into my heart.
When I saw his monologue on this subject…. I got the chills …I thanked him for talking about this subject in such a sensitive way and using his platform for just a conversation. We need more men to speak up that this is not ok.
This is harrowing and disturbing. Emails sent to the children's principal, coaches and trainers - and then my son. I have had whatsapps sent all hours of the morning and all through the day, until I had to block them. It could be such a nightmare. Yet: these people still are able to create social circles and make people like them, while tarnishing the victims' reputation. It can create such a lonely place for the victim, and worse yet, if there is no support. Thank you, Dr. Ramani - and thank you, Trevor Noah. It will be great if you can actually have a live conversation with him on this channel!
I am so moved by how you did presented this topic, facing a relationship that even after separation/divorce it is still about being gas-lighted and ignored when I make a point and I have to work around these issues because we share a child together...even if I am not into the abusive relationship it is still hard to watch your videos because they bring up so many memories...not very happy how you might imagine....thank you for your work and for supporting survivers wherever they are ❤️
This has been my biggest issue, how are these things not against the law?! I've found that there are federal laws regarding domestic violence but do they matter if your local police can't do much, themselves?! I was ready to contact my states attorney with a ton of evidence bc I'm tired of being afraid and yet my attorney said to just let my attorney handle it. It's not that easy, I am harassed daily and nobody understands that if I don't stay submissive until I go in front of a judge, at least, then I'm done for.
@@Mark-fx3pp No. 1. I don’t see where the original commenter suggested creating a law or enforcing it without evidence. 2. The fear of false accusations is an oversimplification of the actual reasons that people (not only women, but overwhelmingly women) have so much difficulty being heard. 3. The fact that you’re willing to shrug off the victimization of innocent people instead of supporting pursuing action against narcissistic abusers is only proving the point that narcissists already have the upper hand. 4. I’ve heard all of these arguments (and more) before, and every single one of them was from my narcissist ex.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important subject. Compassionately and honestly presented and articulated as always. You’re helping more people than you probably know. Keep up the great work you’re doing.
Years ago, my best friend and I decided to take the friendship to the next level. After we moved in, he showed his true self. So, after a few years, and many arguments, I finally left. One of the scariest things I experienced was having someone who supposedly love me stalk me, & threaten me. I finally sent him a letter threatening a restraining order if he didn't stop, and I moved a few hours away. It was such a hard experience, but I can recognize those red flags now!
Never warn them you are planning to get a restraining order, they will see that as a last chance to get at you before you have the law on your side. Just get the restraining order without telling them.
@@clogs4956 Not getting a restraining order is appeasement. Check Dr. C's recent video on how appeasement of a narcissist is a mistake! Get a restraining order. You cannot reason with a narc. Not getting a restraining order to please them and you hope they will go away is delusional. Your attitude of appeasement shows you have been changed by the narc to please them. You can't control the narc by reason, but you can call the cops and get them locked the f**k up if they break a restraining order. Without a restraining order you won't get any help from the law, and actually I know of several narcs who were scared by restraining orders and they left the state because of it!
@@obscurum6 I'll have to agree to disagree with you. Please allow me to refer you to 'Why Does He do That' by Lundy Bancroft, who highlights how restraining orders can be a red rag to abusers, even those who have never offered physical violence before.
Trevor was correct. I work in Social Services and many of my clients live in DV. They’ve convinced themselves this is how it is…in my years with social services several have been killed. It’s a very serious issue. Kids are left without parents and the cycle continues
I saw this too and was going to send to your team. So thankful for people like you, your team, and Trevor Noah (& team). Co-parenting with a malignant narcissist is a nightmare.
I couldn't help but think of your valuable and I insightful input, Dr. Ramani, as I watched Trevor Noah's video. It so overwhelming and disheartening to face such a situation in person and in the courts, no matter who you are. And even Trevor Noah faced collateral damage after expressing his views. Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for all your help.
Thank you Trevor Noah for being a man and sharing these facts. There can't be too much acknowledgement and exposure of this horror that goes on endlessly in our society. Thanks for this video Dr. Ramani.
Thank you for highlighting Trevor Noah's efforts - the great points he made, as well as the fact that he , as a man, is trying to do something about it. We need more of them and treasure them when they help us 🙂
Thank you for addressing this with respect and privacy for those involved. I have been uncomfortable with advocacy groups highlighting the specifics and naming names. I worry it just creates an even more unsafe environment for those involved. You handled this with such grace and wisdom. In the end, the identities shouldn’t matter, but it is helpful to have a spotlight on the dynamics of abuse. Thank you.
The rock and a hard place of trying to protect your children when none of my concerns are genuinely taken into account. I am patronised. People tell me to enjoy my break when they see him. But I can't. I am waiting for the next lot of lies I need to correct without "denigrating the other party". Try and unweave his subtle gaslighting from their memories. Explain that I cannot answer the questions he told them to ask me because they are adult matters. While so many sing his praises for wanting to be involved. When he wants all his parental "rights" while taking Zero responsibility.
Thank you so much for this episode Dr. Ramani. I have been watching your channel for quite a while, and although I gained a lot of insight into myself and my husband, I am financially dependent on my "narc" husband. Even though you already have a gorgeous plethora of information and support you offer your viewers for free, I am grateful for the way you recognized and combined Trevor Noah's story and comments into your program. Thank you. I continue to live with my "narc" husband in hopes that I will some day be able to leave. I raised three wonderful sons in the midst of our very abusive relationship and I blame myself for not having more courage to leave. Although my sons are very kind, responsible people who have good jobs and do not live in extraordinary situations of emotional abuse that I am aware of, I still blame myself for not leaving. It's as if I should have been "wonder woman" and risked starvation in order to free us from the abuse. No one asked "what is happening". No one asks "what is the change we want to see?". Every point that you and Trevor brought up was true. I only called the police once in my 28 year relationship with my husband- they told me not to provoke my husband -- I guess they meant if I get hit (again) and I said something that upset him, it's my fault. I am praying for an answer. I am currently receiving treatment for stage 2/3 multiple myeloma, a rare form of cancer that is incurable at the present time, and I cannot get treatment without insurance -- which is the power dynamic that exists at the present time. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your kind heart to help others. Thank you for this insightful and helpful episode.
I didn't know who Trevor Noah is, but I do now. I went and watched this. We need more of this type of person in the World generally. Really enjoyed yesterday's Q&A, thanks Dr Ramani, the team and the community.
I went through domestic violence and this post separation situation happening to me. The children suffer the most. I went through this along w my children… Sadly, today, after 20 years the person still posts and speaks about it negatively as if to gain my attention and of those around me. I am grateful that this has been spoken of and it should be spoken about more often. This causes trauma that creates so much harm to both the parent going through this and the children dealing w this.
Thank you for this review. It has been 10 years since my situation, and the biggest drawback to my recovery was the lack of visibility and support that I got from my friends. They seemed to protect him despite him being 100% a danger to me.
Thank you Dr. Ramini and Trevor Noah! I saw Trevor Noah's commentary on the issue and cried because it was so opposite of what usually is said to victims, survivors and thrivers. It isn't as easy to just leave or to leave and be continually harrassed. Watch any police, hospital or drama television program (fact or fiction) and at least once a season the question of "what didn't they just leave" comes up and it is rarely dealt with appropriately. It is hard to wrap our minds around what the victim is going through emotionally when you hear or see these dramas play out and we need to do better in educating society to stop blaming and shaming the victim.
After dealing with multiple narc exes, the scariest part for me was always the aftermath of the breakup. They do everything to let you know they’re still around and they’re still in control. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this ❤️
Multiple? Oh wow. That has to be fixed. Attracting multiple narcissists is an inside pattern fam. We all must do the work and find out why we keep attracting these emotional vampires.
@@essenenaziriteyirmeyahu851 I know it’s been a pattern of mine and I’m actively trying to break it. It did start with a dysfunctional family life, with a narc father. I am aware now though and working on my journey to healing ❤️
Multiple ex narc just means you are a great soul, don’t feel anyways or change who you are. Narcs are skilled in looking for a good person. An ex use to actually tell me I want control over your mind, body and soul “everything “ and “nothing I do breaks you”. Don’t change who you are
@@sweetie932
Hey there girls,
Unfortunately narcs really don’t care about your kindness or your good soul. This is a myth!
You can be unkind and rude, but as long as you provide them the 3 S’es they will keep you around. Sex, service, supply.
And yes, we do need to look at our patterns, in order to avoid these types, and fall for their bs (love bombing).
They pray on our dreams and hopes. The soon they find out, what motivates you, they will provide it to you, as future faking, promises or some love crumbs.
Everyone has something they love or want.
We all want “unconditional love”, and they know it.
The carrot makes us then do stupid things, coz the Nirvana state is just around the corner.
So YES, definitely we need to educate our selfs and grow strong in our self love deficiencies.
That being said, you do need to change the patterns, and find out, why you keep seeking the same monster over and over.
Unless you are a converted narcissist and you only find happiness with other narcissistic people.
It is also possible…
I would recommend Sam Vaknin as the absolute expert on the topic.
His book “Malignant Self love. Revisited” will answer all of your questions, and if not, then his you tube channel will.
Good luck to you 🌺
@@sylwiakowalczyk3270 very interesting, more knowledge is absolutely needed on my part, Thank you
They stalk following the separation because they didn’t want to separate. They can’t deal with no longer having control over you.
Imagine that! These people are evil. I left a week ago. I have started a childcare business that I am scared to advertise on Facebook for fear of my ex narc stalking me or secretly defaming
EXACTLY. The "defeat" in their game is the thing, NOT their partner's experience.
EXACTLY. The "defeat" in their game is the thing, NOT their partner's experience.
He asked for divorce but I'm the one breaking up the family. I'm wrong for not wanting to reconcile or go to dinners with him or do family things. Even if they DID ask for it, somehow it still isn't their fault.
Upsetting to me it's all about control and not about actually loving you and missing you. Mind gamessssss
My husband was married in his teens to a narcissist. He ended his marriage after 7 years and one child, and her narcissistic rage was inflamed but that was nothing compared to what happened when he later met and married me. We endured the slander, libel, and had three attempts made to harm us (brake lines slashed, lug nuts removed from wheels, etc). But the worst by far was the psychological torture she inflicted on their child, custodial interference, and stalking. She even showed up, daughter in tow, on our vacation 800 miles away, TEN years after the divorce. (The vacation she refused to allow us to take the child on.) We have been married now 40 years and that now adult child just died of a heroin overdose after a hellish life. No court would help us, judges admonished, “Work it out.”, and many many people inferred that if he had just stayed, none of it would have happened. Our system is totally broken, and we are broken. We could not save that child. Heartbreaking.
I am so sorry for your family & also not one bit surprised. My heart goes out to you.
As someone who was raised by a narcissistic mother, I know that there is no escaping the psychological damage.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss 💔 That's a terrible thing to have to go through.
Sadly, our love for our addicted offspring cannot save them. Peace & love to you. ❤️
Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story. I'm so sorry for the torment your husband and you endeared. What a tragic ending.
Trevor Noah is a truthteller. He’s a gem.
He's a puppet for the elite.
He got butthurt when Kanye responded to him and then played the virtuous victim. He’s a Narc like everyone else.
@lil man slim I have been following Trevor Noah for a long, long time - long before he became so famous. What you say is nonsense - he has always been liberal and thoughtful.
i agree, he's great.
@Tony Quigley (Harry) bs
This video couldn't come at a better time, I literally just packed up all of my belongings in just a three hour time frame before my abuser got home from work and I have managed to finally escape my abuser after the 10th attempt. The thing I struggle with the most is the fact that I'm a male survivor of abuse and I have found it extremely hard to find support or someone who would just listen to me talk without passing judgment or that question, why don't you just leave? That's like asking, "why can't a heroin addict just stop doing heroin? " I became addicted to my abuser, she was my heroin and I couldn't put it down, until I had enough, until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I deeply empathize. My ex is a woman. She has become increasingly abusive to me over the past year. It's ramped up exponentially since she started dating someone new in December, and again in the past 48 hours, as her new girlfriend just dumped her and my ex is stuck living with me again. People find it so much harder to believe a woman could be a domestic abuser. And there are so few resources for survivors of domestic abuse at the hands of a woman. I'm sorry people gaslight you with victim blaming like that. It's so harmful and wrong.
I was escorted out of the house by a police officer on allegations that even the officer conceded in his report weren't believable. I was left without any support very quickly. It is a very lonely path my friend. Be strong. I wish I could help you more... but I want you know you are not alone. Many men have been through this.
I hope you don't go back and know that you are worth a genuine, loving relationship.
Soo proud of you! Keep going. Dont go back no matter what promises she makes to you. Its all a lie! Be strong!
Same my friend, I also dropped the bomb about a month ago and already have a new apartment, but I’m not telling her that lol, I just implied I moved in with my parents, who she couldn’t be nice to, so she’s not coming over anytime soon haha
I faced all of this behavior. When my adult son asked his father, why don't you just leave her alone?....his father said, "...because it is fun." His behavior energized him....he ruined my reputation with "big fish" lies...depending on audience reaction...I had to run away...
That's really scary
Your ex sounds gross and like a total asshole. I'm so sorry you went through that.
His answer comes frm a human that has no soul. Smh
Omg this is the first time i read this about a narccissist and its the thing my mother-in-law did or does for that matter. She said it is fun if we fight... Then a week later she says she loves me... Plus, she is constantly trying to ruin my reputation and is so god damn smart and sneaky about it, its unbelievable. She made me a nervous wreck because of all she did to me and my son, i wish i knew how to let go of this hate i have for her.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Kudos to Trevor Noah for calling this behavior out. And thanks Dr. Ramani for exploring this topic further.
Countless times I have been asked, “What did you do to provoke your abuser?” “If you didn’t “like” it, why did you stay?” As the targeted victim / survivor, of domestic violence in intimate relationships, I am still being blamed by my own mother for not simply ignoring the persistent narcissistic abuse of my adult siblings; while she does nothing to discourage that abuse. At 64, I finally realize that my domestic abuse in intimate relationships, is directly related to my being subjected to abuse at home. My trauma and drama began with family; the same family who even now try to take me down.
I experienced this as well. The no help from mom part is the bitter one.
I"m sorry you're in this situation. I'm in a similar one, between my narc brother and my mother and other brother who are both afraid to stand up to the narc brother, most of the time. So I get egregiously bullied by the narc brother and when I stand up for myself with him, my mother asks me why I'm "fighting with my brother." This makes me sad because I love my mother. The best way I've found to help myself is to nurture healthy friendships outside the family.
In other words your mother is enabling the abuse. Great parenting/s.
We stay because when we leave,
is when they kill us. I don't know WHY people like MOTHERS are so slow and stupid to figure that out. Freaking Narc Mothers are like dogs that eat their own pups.
My Mom crapped on me, and made Sis the Golden Child. She always told me Sis's treatment wasn't so bad, turn the other cheek.
I told Mom, "I'm going to treat you the way that Sis treats me. Let's see how you turn the other cheek."
And I did. Until the day she died. Damm lonely she was; because Sis didn't like Mom any more than she liked me. And I was No Contact with Sis.
I was absolutely devastated when my narcissist ex discarded me. I had no knowledge of narcissism at the time but the more I learned the more I realized I was actually better off being discarded than being the one to end it myself. I have so much empathy for anyone going through the terrifying ordeal of being stalked and harassed. I wish there was more protection for the victims.❤️
I’m so glad you learned about narcissism so you could put it in perspective. Good for you! 🥰
Hoovering is super dangerous and if we defend ourselves we look crazy. the system is against victims
I experienced this when I left. Then after all the abuse he also claims I did all the insane things he did to me, to discredit me. There is no validation in what you go through in any capacity.
My mother did this to me. Lied about my behaviour and claimed I did all the things she actually did!
I recently found out that my fear my ex is doing this to me are valid On multiple occasions, with multiple people, she's "accidentally" convinced friends of hers that I'm verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to her. Apparently she accuses me of being entirely to blame for situations she also played a major part in, and even blamed me for things she did that I had no part in at all.
I'm very grateful I had an opportunity to talk to her very recent ex a couple days ago and find out the lies she'd mutually been telling us. I have suspected for months that she is lying about me behind my back to people and falsely painting me as abusive. It's a strange kind of relief to know that's actually true and I'm not being paranoid.
What scares me most is that my ex seems truly baffled as to how she's convinced people I'm such a monster. Whereas it seems obvious to me why people who don't know me would come to think that, based on horrible things she's accused me of doing.
I don't know how to communicate with someone who can't even tell when she's lying anymore. Especially since she likes to claim she's an extremely honest person who rarely lies. I'm beginning to accept there may not be a way to get through to her. It just breaks my heart.
My ex narc discarded me and I was happy. Then later I find that he’s been trying to stalk me with an apple airtag.
My parents would ALWAYS ask me what I did to “warrant” someone doing something that was hurtful or harmful towards me, from the time I was a child all the way through adulthood. So you can imagine how I was raised by those two people, always the scapegoat and blamed for others’ behaviors towards me, including their own.
@kari Nau I relate. My siblings picked up the torch to continue this legacy in my 40's.
I have zero contact with them or anyone in my extended family. I miss some of them, but the last few years have been the happiest I've been in my life.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.
I hope you find greater peace in your life each new day ❤️
same. and they can do it in such a charming nonchalant way too, very calm and quiet and with that sly smile, just saying "oh hush, it doesn't become you to blame others, be good and blame yourself now, like you know you're supposed to." not even looking up from what they're doing (which you are absolutely not allowed to do by the way. it "breaks their heart"). and all the while they themselves NEVER EVER take the blame for anything at all, no matter how small and irrelevant their wrongdoing is. it's always somebody else's wickedness, or a truly unlucky coincidence at best. it's never their own fault, not ONCE. until they die. shame, remorse, humility - they can't even fake it, which is astonishing considering how gloriously they can fake everything else.
@@sujammaz brilliant what you wrote at the end! Bloody narcs!
@@MsZephyra thanks ^^ and sorry to hear that you seem to know what i mean... i think that discovery, that they can't even fake remorse, was the key aspect for me. that was when i finally understood that something really deep and serious was wrong with the whole dynamic, and started to gradually (!!!) allow myself to trust my intuition again and discover more and more of all the little "tells" until the picture was full - and horrid - enough to LEAVE. it took over 30 years of my life to get there and that damage stays with you forever at that point but yeah, at least i can help others maybe get out a bit earlier
Post separation stalking not only affects the person being stalked, but often many others in the community. My self and my two good neighbors were all awakened by someone's angry ex boyfriend pounding on each of our doors at 4:30 AM. He barged right into one of my neighbor's apartments when the door was opened. He screamed like a maniac out in the parking lot before the cops finally came. Apparently, he stalked his poor ex girlfriend all the way to one of her friends homes here where she was staying to get away from him.
The thing that still really twists my gut is that so many people treat their partners like absolute crap and refuse to make the slightest effort to curate their relationships, and then they get mad when the person they've devalued takes initiative to leave. And in order to get that person back in their life, they do the most repellent shit they can think of.
They don't want to keep their romantic partner; they want to keep their emotional/physical punching bag.
how can an ordinary person make it stop? what a perfect, perfect point. we as a society really need to stop victim shaming--especially aimed at women. it reminds me of the whole "what was she wearing" canard. no one asks a man what he was wearing that attracted the mugger who mugged him. on her historical clothing youtube channel, "snappy dragon" mentions news and magazine articles from the late 19th and early 20th centuries where women who were basically armored in their corsets and socially distanced in their hoops nonetheless found themselves resorting to pulling out their hatpins to stab at male attackers and unwanted male advances. "it's almost like it was never about the clothing," she observes. we need to teach men that they're not entitled to women's bodies.
us here... very well said... I believe the porn industry which is so easily accessible is worsening the problem creating mindsets that women are merely objects to be used as they please...used and abused.
@@lovearttherapyalways interesting point! i support sex workers in whatever capacity they choose, but porn really does seem to objectify women to a lot of men. there's no way women can work with such men, like in an office as fellow professionals, because those men will never see them as full-fledged equal humans--especially if they're young and attractive. i feel like there must be a reasonable place for porn somewhere...not that i know where that would be! in any case, western society definitely needs better parents--like dr. ramani and her spouse did with their children, parents need to teach their children empathy first and foremost.
*You HIT THE NAIL on the HEAD* 🔨 This IS 100% about the feeling of ENTITLEMENT to a woman's body but the more shocking fact is that it is accepted as a NORM! But guess where and how they (males) acquire and learn that entitlement from? As a mother of boys I assure you they are NOT born with this mentality. So here's the qs: Do we do anything to STOP this pattern of thinking when these 'men' are still little BOYS? Look at the advertisements and marketing all around us. How are women being *portrayed*? Listen to talk shows and other media. How do they talk about women by and large? With Respect and Honor? Or are they discussed as Objects of Lust and Seduction. What you hear repeatedly (over and over again), you believe, what you believe you become. As Women we don't object to being objectified. Not LOUDLY enough. Some women go as far as making this very objectification the very standard for appreciation from Men. So who is then creating the Cognitive Dissonance in young minds?
Women don't truly realize the Power they have in shaping and developing human minds. They just don't. Too busy wanting to catch up with Men in a race that was never designed for them but they were forced into. As a result women have sadly bought into a plethora of lies and even joined men in looking down at Motherhood when the Truth is there is nothing more powerful on this planet than being a Mother. Alas, if only they understood it.
I am glad that Trevor Noah called out the behavior that he saw was wrong. Many people would just look away. Thank you, Dr.Ramani
I am a survivor and it has been 19 years post marriage which became more threatening than the marriage relationship. I remind myself that I am the healthy one even when the church, my family, and others try to blame me. Thank you for making a voice to the subject. It gave me a sigh of relief to be heard and understood.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, I applaud you for bringing this to the light!!! The hovering, stalking & hellish tactics used by abusive people (men & women alike) after you leave them is a nightmare. For some of us, it can last a lifetime. For others it ends in our deaths. The toll this takes on children can affect generations. I pray that there is a time where the law will care & protect those of us in these situations. God bless you Dr. Ramani ❤.
It is mostly men who abuse and harass though. The statistics prove that.
@@obscurum6 I agree with you 100 percent. I also recognize the minority of men who receive this treatment as well❤
@@realliving7340
I assume you are a woman from what you have said in your comments. And I find it interesting when men write about their experiences with female narcs they do not recognise the way men treat women and that more women get abused. In fact men use their narc partners to further abuse all womankind and generalise the behaviour to all women! But women who talk about abuse from men somehow feel the need to become apologists for the men as a group. It is because little girls grow up afraid of boys and men, then they hear excuses made by other female apologists for men and the cycle continues. The fact is you did not need to recognise men's problems in you comment, but you know if you didn't along would come a male commentator to bash you with saying you are a 'man hater'. So you self censor first for fear of their attacks, which are common all over the internet towards women on ANY opinion where she doesn't recognize the male side to the argument as an apology to save their precious delicate male feelings. 🙄
It's like every f**king woman on the internet has to have a disclaimer that she is sorry if she has upset a man with her opinion or life experiences! 🙄
@@obscurum6 You have assumed correct I am a woman. My comment reflects my sincere feelings and thoughts towards all. Period. Have a good one.
@@realliving7340
You do that. 🙄 Keep being overly 'fair' to men, who treat women like sh*it.
No man has grown up afraid to walk the streets at night or on public transport. It is a shame on women that they still make excuses for men when they know their daughters have to be afraid of getting the 'wrong' attention, wearing the 'wrong' skirt or top, or being too loud, or speaking up for herself for fear of threats. JK ROWLING has had death and ra*pe threats just for expressing her opinion. Men don't get that treatment from women!
I won't cite the millions of examples of the trafficking, porn, ra*pes, girls at school getting assaulted, upskirting, dickpics, university campus ra*pes, domestic violence and murders, honour killings, forced marriages, underage, school girl and ra*pe fetishes normalised by men, inequality in all areas of life, catcalls on the street, even to our teen daughters, the list goes on and on. But hey.god forbid we say that for fear of a man saying "not all of us are like that", which is bs as they all enable each other as the bros. I have never seen a black person make excuses for white supremacists! Woman get treated like sh*it because they excuse what men do.
Your apologist approach, that women can't talk about abuse by men without giving them consideration for the rare times they have something happen to them, which is never as bad as they aren't disadvantaged in the first place, is disgusting and the very reason our daughters suffer.
Thank you for sharing this. I left my now ex-husband a year ago after he shoved me in bed because I stole the blankets (not on purpose). He is a retired police officer, has guns all over the place, but I cannot get a protective order because I can't prove that he was physically abusive (since he didn't leave a mark on me). I guess I would need to get a more severe beating to qualify for any protection. Sad that our society minimizes the potential damage these individuals can cause. I try not to live in fear, but I know the potential danger that I face each day.
*even if you "stole" the blankets on purpose... still not ok.
Please be safe and try to break away.
@@lovemagicandroad I did, thankfully. ❤
I can’t imagine the emotional pain from being shoved by someone who is supposed to love you, especially in bed, where you are most vulnerable and should not only feel safe with your partner but should feel protected. 😥 I’m glad you got out.
I will never date someone in law enforcement. Wayyyyy too many stories and way too many protect each other.
It’s almost as if people have been conditioned to accept and look past predation. That don’t happen by accident…
Trevor’s memoir is amazing.
Agreed!! It is an absolute must-read for all! He has such a phenomenal talent for tackling big, difficult topics in a poignant, eloquent way. His humor makes serious messages easier to receive, but leaves you looking at things in a new way and really thinking deeply. I absolutely adore Trevor.
Yes it is!
It's called Born a Crime and the audiobook is even better because he's the narrator.
I was living with/married to a narc psychopath for 23 years. My fear is death. The only abuse I didn't suffer was physical because then there'd be proof. I finally got the courage to leave. I've been in hiding ever since. I still protect my family & old friends by keeping contact to nearly nothing, color me estranged. They don't know my address, I have no phone, I hardly ever email, no social media. My ex always had the long game in mind so I & mine aren't safe until he's dead which I hope will be a slow, incapacitating & painful process. I'm hoping that in his next few lives, he has to live as I have or worse.
Yes, there were one or two friends who asked me "What did you do to him to cause him to neglect and financially abuse you? Remember you told us you had doubts?" "Could you be THE narcissist?" even though I wasn't the one controlling lying gaslighting projecting blame-shifting etc. I didn't even know these "mind games" terms exist until I met narcissists. I left these friends because I finally recognize they claim to love me, trying to help me pick apart myself to "see my own faults", while excusing the abuse and demanding unconditional forgiving of terrible NPD abuse, including alcohol abuse, taking and hiding every cent. These "friends" were judgmental, they demand perfection from me. Would appreciate if anyone can confirm - is this a form of gaslighting?
Yes, this is gaslighting and I had this from a psychologist and a ' friend'. I left them both behind.
Anyone who encourages you to put up with abusive behaviour under the 'you must forgive it' mantra, is not your friend and is adding to the distabling impact of the narcissists mind games. Yes it's gaslighting and it's cruel. You deserve so much better. Only let the nice people into your inner circle. X
It is, and they were blaming you. Leave them in the dust along with your ex.
Yes it is! When I was in college, had a potential new boyfriend get mad at me for something and throw a quart of me on me in my dorm lobby in front of thirty people, before I got a chance to ask him why, the dorm director says loudly, this is the problem with you girls, you don't know how to treat a man that is why they treat you like this! Fortunately I had enough presence of mind to tell the worthless punk to leave before I reported him to campus police. To my surprise he left and I never saw him again. Then I jumped down the dorm director's throat for sticking her nose in my business.
Yes get away from friends like that! Real friends offer real support and transparency. Thank God for a very good close friend of mines always reassured me that I am not losing my mind.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this pertinent video. I worked as a mental health worker at a psychiatric hospital for 10 years. I had the impression that many of these women admitted were railroaded there. One in particular told me her story and later I was told not to feed into her disorder by listening to her ramblings. Another woman who was having marriage difficulties was prescribed a medication for Depression. She went insane for 5 days and that gave the husband reason for divorce and child custody. You are absolutely right that the system is to blame. My question is can we somehow train local enforcement to detect patterns of narcisstic abuse because the narcissists have all the manipulative power otherwise?
Narcissistic abuse is essentially coercive control - so those patterns need to be identified so psychological and emotional abuse/coercive control are illegal. Some places it is illegal - many not though.
There is a reason one of the abuse tactics is called “crazy making” it’s so psychologically damaging. There is also “reactive abuse” where they bait to get the response they want and keep pushing until their victim breaks - only to gaslight and show everyone that the victim is the bad one.
It’s very sadistic and means they keep control, like a bully - keeping people below them for their ego. It’s equivalent to sadistic murder - just instead of death, they take pleasure in torturing someone alive, psychologically.
One mental health worker has seen the pattern?
The "crazy making" technique has been used against women for centuries, the typical diagnosis for a disobedient was "hysteria". A daughter who didn't want to get married? Hysterical. Locked in mental ward, drugged and electroshocked. A woman who couldn't handle the abuse anymore and snapped? Hysterical. Same treatment.
You know that in China the mentally ill are family's responsability? And you know what it takes, usually a male (father/brother/husband) to prove that a woman is mentally ill? NOTHING. They call the cops and say the woman is insane and she's locked. Doctors there evaluate absolutely nothing and have no permission to release the patience unless the "guardian" allows it.
We don't need to go that far. Look at Britney Spears case. A famous celebrity. One public meltdown that was more a display of anger than anything and she was turned into her family's personal slave for 13 years. And if she wasn't a public figure with capacity to afford a good lawyer she would still be treated as a dementia patient, being forced to take whatever drugs, and do whatever they wanted.
I know a forensic psychologist who works in a woman's shelter and she told me majority of women diagnosed with "borderline" are victims of domestic violence. Many times they use the "crazy" card so they can go to hospital where they feel safe. In some cases Doctors realize something is going on and contact the shelters.
Still these women get a "mentally ill" label for life and one doesn't wanna hang with such because from the moment you get one everything you say immediately turns into "lie" "manipulation" "call for attention" "paranoia" "delusions".
Psychiatry feeds human rights abuse and should be abolished.
@@hadassah6085 There's an old saying that all politics is local, so my assumption is that one little person, like me, has to contact my local institutions, such as, a women's shelter and ask them how I can help influence local authorities to recognize the patterns of abuse so as to influence policy? Would that be a reasonable process to undertake? Is there a more influential method to undertake?
@@Sarablueunicorn I guess we force ourselves to see order in a world where order doesn't really exist. Doing otherwise would cause too much unbearable cognitive dissonance. Not fighting back though, when we see it, is spiritual suicide.
Many states including California have laws against Coercive control. Please note that if you tell a doctor that you have been sexually abused or a victim of sexual assault during childhood you can be denied opiod analgesics over the fear you might become addicted to them . The major pharmacies like Walgreens, CVS , etc use an algorithm called Narxscore that gives points to determine if you will be addicted. Woman ? Sexual assault? Drive a certain distance to the doctor or pharmacy? More than one doctor? As unfair as this is ,all of these will be points against you. Like the Terminator you cannot argue with or reason with the algorithm because it is a proprietary tool that only the manufacture knows how it works. Please be careful because at some point you will need opiod analgesics. The American pain and disability foundation website can explain this better than I can. Take this seriously everyone.
As a survivor of this type of behavior, I'm very grateful for all who are using your platforms to raise awareness. The length of the my relationship with this man was minimal (6 mo). The harassment went on for 2 years. I was lucky. I had resources to combat it- a very responsive and close small community law enforcement team, the financial resources to install cameras, locks, and consult lawyers and investigators. But the courts were of very little use, even though I discovered multiple petitions for protective orders had been filed against this man in my county alone. And the hands of my local police were relatively tied. They could only assure me that when he eventually moved on to another target, it would stop. Gods help her, whoever she is, because it finally did. But not before my job was threatened, my kids were threatened, I had to turn my life upside down to inform those around me and protect myself as best I could. That these people roam the streets unchecked is an absolute nightmare. Raising awareness and empowerment to the level that people can identify and reject getting involved with them in the first place is so very important. Thank you for what you do. I very much believe you are saving lives.
The amount of harm they do really should warrant more effective protective measures. It is insane that they get to destroy people’s lives and walk scot free.
I hear u god bless. Hope ur doing Bette now
This is why it’s hard to leave!!! When someone is abusing you, you know it gets worse at the point of separation. We need so much more support for survivors… There need to be real consequences for perpetrators too.
Not surprised that he did this. Trevor Noah is a standout, stand up human being. EDIT: YT trolls are the best! Thanks for the laughs, guys!
Lmao. Wait your serious?
For those who do not know, Trevor Noah's own Mother was shot in the head by Trevor's Step Father. So, it is something that has happened within his close family members. Yes, he is being a stand up person in calling out stalking & refusal to accept that one person wants out of a relationship. So yes, kudos to Trevor for using his voice to bring it into the light.
@@maresnite Eh at the same time he persistently gaslights his audience and is an absolute narcissist so...?
@@looweegee252
He gaslights his audience ??
He is a comedian. Now you are.
I don't watch this stuff, but I have to ask..what compels all of you to make this person feel bad for watching him, or having an opinion about him?.
It might not be your view of him or whatever but I sit back and watch this to much..
But today is the day if shining light on things I guess..
Everyone is made different, everyone likes different things, people may have their head in the sand, some may be brainwashed but unless you are a close family member concerned about the major parts of ourselves that may hurt us then who the hell are you all to cast anything to this person?
To the basics of each person to just likes or dislikes why is society all about comment shaming?
Your social warrior stances are a lack of insecurity on your part. What's Ironic is you are in a community of Narrcism recovery but then just showed that maybe ya'll need to be on another support group, cause it just screams narrasitic when you shove your opinion into someone else opinion.
What makes ya'll so damn special? or more better bc you think you know why this person shouldn't feel the way she/he does?
I along with this person fond the trolling hilarious but many people care about comments and absorb your toxic words.
Cool you don't like him, this person does..what's the saying?? ....
Oh yeah gooooooooooo 🖕 yourself.
DR. Ramini is it possible we have imposters on this channel to find new source?
I mean I am not gonna full blown get into an argument with these idiots but I will call out things that are WRONG and then carry on.
Our society is so doomed..
No one can think for themselves,
No one can do good without super jealous haters shit posting on their channel or comments
No one can possible like or believe in something and share it.
It's like social media created monsters of mass destruction.
Isn't that what God created? For humans to take their stance on things with free will?
People are recovering from such tragic relationships and find support here and y'all who made big deal over SOMEONE'S opinion, you'd think you'd have better behavior amongst this community.
Just wow R.A Andrews 😂😂 they think their opinion overrides yours I suppose.
But didn't mean I wasn't gonna blast these people for it, even though I know why they do it.
Nothin changes if no one turns that mirror back on em.
My parents are divorced 22 years. My father still harasses us kids and why mother to this day. He remarried, is going through another divorce and still harasses us. He was recently arrested for domestic abuse of this new wife as well. When my mother moved to a different state four years ago his behavior only got worse. He found her new landline phone number. He harasses my younger sibling and I and occasionally finds ways to get around our blocks of him, calling at 3 or 4am, repeatedly. My sibling had to disconnect a landline phone. He's had a stroke and is showing signs of dementia and his behavior only gets worse.
After 7 years I’m still suffering this. My young adult kids have noticed it since separation and have seen the flying monkey toxicity themselves. Of course, I am the one blamed for talking to them about it and poisoning them. I am astonished at how articulate the kids have been about it and the insight they seem to have . Maybe that’s the flip side of the connected world we live in. There is so much more help available at the click of a mouse now. It’s still very difficult to navigate though.
Too many people label the truth telling of these relationships as smear campaigns also. The truth isn't a smear. Bless you in your healing and I'm glad you had the strength to be honest with your experiences.
@@lisarodriguez6966 Thank you Lisa. I have gotten to the point where I’m not bothered at all for me. I never thought I’d get there, but I did! My main concern is how my kids process it. If they’re ok, then I am.
@@robinbelliveau1818 I believe when/if you reach a point of indifference you're much more free, while keeping your children's mental and physical health protected. It takes you from survivor to thriver.
My mom is going through the same thing with my dad. You are so incredibly strong and brave. Keep doing what’s best for you and your kids. Stay safe ♥️
Yes, they always say, "We'd never blame the Victim" yet they ALWAYS do. Totally unethical & WRONG and a comete miscarriage of Justice. Travesty!!! 💔🙏🏼😣
My story is 30+ years old. I lost everything, including my two children. I look back and say to myself that no matter how others feel about me as a person, my children weren't drug through a nasty divorce.
My ex-husband only cared about himself. I wasn't going to use the children as pawns in the divorce. He continued to isolate them from me, until I left Arizona. Then he blamed me for leaving state.
I love my children, but have no contact with them. My daughter blames me for everything, taking her father's side.
This is the hurt of all hurts. I move forward and feel totally alone in life, knowing I did what I could with no support.
I understand you i feel with you. I am sorry for your pain
I really appreciated what he said and what DL Hughley said as well. People are taking sides and acting like it’s a tv show or football game. It’s not. We already witnessed a narcissist in power as president for 4 years. We are now publicly witnessing the abusive and controlling behavior of a narc in a relationship.
I went through being stalked and harrassed for almost 2 years. I had to move and change phone numbers. I was scarred by this and am afraid to ever date again. I am also very exhausted from this as I was going through so much at the same time. These men are so enititled that they delusionally believe they own us.
Thank you, Trevor Noah.
It was an incredible monologue. Thanks to Trevor for bringing it to light.
I was harassed by my ex narc friend for a while. Then she found another friend and new supply. I’m dead to her now, and I am sooooo grateful I was replaced. That was only a 3-year friendship and it was traumatic.
I cannot imagine what others are going through to get out of these toxic and debilitating situations.
My ex during our divorce put me and our children through so much. My tires were slashed twice, I was falsely accused of wanting to hit him with my car. Started arguments at kids pick up. We are now finally divorced. I still receive abusive emails once in a while. But after 3 years of this I am still have fear. Fear that my tires will get slashed or that he will send someone to hurt me. I tried getting a restraining order and it was denied.
I rarely comment on youtube videos, but wanted to comment on this one. I am a victim of post-separation stalking. Two weeks ago my ex was arrested, charged with stalking, spent a night in jail and is now facing a criminal trial. I wanted to say that sometimes the court system will help you. Video all interactions in person with your ex such as child exchanges. Keep all emails and text messages from your ex. I recommend not responding, but when you have to respond, respond in a manner that you would feel comfortable having a judge read your response, because someday they just might. Most of all do not be afraid to ask for help. I feel that some police departments and court systems are starting to realize the magnitude of this issue. Take a consolidated version of the videos, texts, emails, etc with the most offending sections highlighted to your local police department or domestic violence center. Take the same information and apply for a protective order. They may help you, if not at least you will be alerting them that there is an issue. Your stalker is betting that you will not seek help. Do not let them win. Some people say that this will only escalate the abuse, but more than likely the abuse you are experiencing is already escalating. Dr. Ramani, your book Should I Stay or Should I Go was the final push I needed to file for divorce. I will always be grateful for that. God bless you and I am wishing everyone the courage and strength to hold their stalker accountable.
I saw the episode last night and when he got to "how can someone with that much power, still not be able to protect herself" I thought whoa! We do such work trying to set boundaries, but in the end we are sadly at their whim.... I also did not know that about him. I admire Trevor Noah SO much and have followed him for years. It's such a sad topic 😞
When I called the police when my narcissistic ex husband had come home at 3am and was smashing up the house, the first thing the dispatcher asked me was, "Why is he doing this?"
My own mother did this. After her absolutely terrifying tantrum of narcissistic rage and violence, she followed me across the entire country and would randomly show up at my college dorm. Luckily I'd moved out and given no one but a trusted sibling my new address, but just knowing she was at my former apartment was terrifying. I suffered a breakdown when I saw her car in town. I don't even let friends post pictures of me on any social media because she's found me that way. She even tried (and failed, thank heavens) to manipulate my new address and contact info out of my church leaders so that she could continue to guilt, threaten, abuse, and harass me. This is no joke. Thank you for talking about this.
One thing that is not talked about is how law enforcement not only often looks the other way, but sometimes helps the abuser carry out post-relationship abuse. So not all abusers are under the radar.. Some of them have a connection that enables them to use law enforcement to carry out their sick, personal vendetta.
I experienced this in a domestic violence marriage. It took turning point to get me out. I had no resources. I had 2 children. I started a lawn service and cleaning service to make an income. Doing what ever I could to get a home and provide for MY children. He did everything he could to destroy me. Damage my truck by throwing paint thinner all over it. Stealing my equipment. Stalking me and following me everywhere while carrying a gun. I finally got him arrested and we went to trial which was hell and a lot of money, time, energy.
I didn't think what I did was victory, but the courts told me that I was the first one to ever get this far in court for domestic violence and stalking and trying to destroy me and my kids. "1994"
He had a choice to go to jail for a couple of years or permanently move out of state and establish a new residence and never ever allowed back in Michigan or He would be tried again. The best Christmas gift ever was when we were told he was gone and living in Florida. I chose for him to move instead of jail because I didn't want to deal with him when he got out.
I'm still healing from all this but also feeling empowered. I really want to do something about this but not sure what. I'm raising awareness about mental health and suicide awareness but narcs there's not alot you can do like Dr. Ramani said.
I'm going to keep fighting but work on living in The here and now. Dr. Ramani I could feel your heart and it brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for doing this. This is something!!
💞💞💞💞💞💪💪💪
WOW 1994! I can barely imagine the hurdles you faced. If I may, I think / wish / hope that teaching the young in our lives to recognize narc behavior in particular and to value themselves enough to walk away from any relationship early if they are seeing bad signs. This is not limited to romantic relationships. Narcs can ruin your life at work, etc too
@@kc7280 I agree if possible. I tried to help my kids but my daughter had her share as well. Always trying to break the pattern.
Not going to lie. My life has been hell since childhood. Now coming into my own and being empowered for the rest of my journey. ☺️
I feel the same way. Got out after 20 years of emotional abuse. I feel women who have been victims of abuse need to stand together to fight and get laws changed to protect women(and men) from this kind of abuse. **it’s against the law in England. We are so behind and corrupted in our legal system here**
I watched Trevor Noah's monolog on this too. and I was so thankful he did it. and I am so thankful that you expanded on this hidden terrorism in America and really all over the world. The UK is so far the only place I've heard of to implement coercive control laws that raise these behaviors to a collective level of a serious crime. I cry every time i see anybody acknowledge this problem for what it really is. betrayal of all your fellow mankind. if you let slip that the abuse is getting to you, then you become the only known problem in the situation. its like being hogtied in front of all the people that claim to love you, and nobody is allowed to acknowledge how trapped I am. how imprisoned I am in this abuse. when he stole my medical records and went after my career and degree, what is the point of even trying to get away from him anymore? He made sure he has access and dependence and connection through the kids to keep hurting me for the rest of my life. and the world has told me straight up, they are just fine with this outcome. as long as I shut up about it.
A friend's daughter got a court order for the baby daddy who hit her black & blue during her pregnancy. She broke it off, she had a witness, photos of her black eye - the judge said the father (who lost his job) deserves visiting rights.
Also- I believe people can die of a broken heart form the layers of abuse. People can die an early death because of the stress of emotional abuse.
Dr Ramini, you’re awesome! I watched Trevor Noah’s commentary, and felt/thought as you do about this huge problem, think O.J. In 1972 I separated from my husband. He took our baby, had a shotgun, and refused to hand either of them over. I didn’t know it at the time, but the ammunition didn’t work for that rifle. The police were called, I got my baby back, and thankfully no one was injured physically… so traumatizing!!!
It could have ended in tragedy, like so many incidents like this one🙏
I am glad you and the baby got through it. I am also relieved to hear you managed to leave.
I love Trevor Noah! He is such a great comedian and raising the right question what is wrong with society.
I assume this is about Kim and Kanye and I have to say, I’m happy that someone finally said something. That loser has been harassing his ex for months now and no one has said anything about his abusive behavior! Sickening
As a survivor, I thank you for highlighting this topic. I found the only way forward for me was to have no direct contact (this may not be appropriate in other situations). I insisted that everything would be through the legal system because it didn’t matter what was said ... he would twist it to something else.
There is no easy or good route out of these situations.
It takes its toll on health, all relationships, work, finances and on and on. Just keep as a priority the children’s and your safety. Many people won’t believe you and that’s ok. Just move on from them, life is too short and they’re not your friends if they don’t believe you or think you’re making it up.
They (narcissist) get their kicks out of trying to destroy you, your children, anything or anyone or anything important to you. Don’t try to understand what makes them tick, just get you and your children and any vulnerable adults away to safety. Safety and peace and some chance of being able to live a normal life and for the children to be able to experience a normal life.
May anyone reading this escape and be safe. You deserve it.
☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️☮️
🌲😢☘️
Trevor Noah is one of the most eloquent communicators we have in the English language, and of deep emotional intelligence. Thank you Dr R for drawing our attention to this, I hadn’t heard it.
I’ve always known that my situation was light years from the worst of them. My intermittent phone stalker was my aging, narcissistic mother. While she stalked me at work and sent the police to my door, she didn’t have the mobility to actually come see me.
In it’s entirety though, the phone and police phobia I developed wasn’t entirely the worst. It was others, in particular one, who thought that the remedy was to go see her. It’s like being told, “Only YOU can fix this, by going to see your stalker. And, she’s not a stalker. She’s your mother. She’s not stalking you. She owns you, for life.”
So, for those who deal with more agile, relentless stalkers, that wake to every day, feeling they have to look over their shoulders and any and everyone else only sees them as being the problem, I feel for you. Stalking is actually abuse, whether your local law thinks so or not. Being told to return to it and to allow it to happen to you, is a showing of how, as I’ve said before, it is a system and quite a sick system it is.
It's epidemic. Based on what I learned from my police department's Crime Victim Unit, doctors, judges (and even police officers!) are included in the mix. My impression is there isn't enough time or resources to respond to the "pettiness" of it all as most of the stuff not just flies under the radar, it isn't criminal, either. Put together over time, it's criminal harassment and stalking. But that's what it takes, a lot of time. Stalking laws should be enough. But I guess that accountability is only reserved for "stars" because the courts would be plugged up with stalking complaints. And truly, there isn't enough room in the jails for these guys - who I might add are celebrated and promoted in the corporate world for their "wins". It's tragic.
@@janeydoe1403 The police actually don’t even know when they’re being used to stall, as in the case of my mother. I had one police officer tell me
To just go visit her, once in awhile. I told him, respectfully, that would never happen. Another officer caught wind and told me to send her a second cease and desist letter. But, although my mother needed to sign for them, she’d just say she doesn’t remember receiving them and to send another. That was her way of saying that I’d just have to wear myself out, trying to stop her. But, I told her that I don’t at all mind dragging her into court.
For the most part, the law cannot keep up with old fashioned cops and robbers crimes. My mother sued a company, in the IP (intellectual property) law realm. But, as the world is full of different countries, with different jurisdictions, it went nowhere. Also, during a time when even police departments have to pay ransom, to get access to their data, narcissism doesn’t have a chance. That’s not without understanding that they just don’t care. As far as they’re concerned, complaining about being stalked, is like complaining that someone’s walking behind you, on a city street. Financial abuse? Shoulda been smarter. You let it happen to yourself and, yes, mom tried that, too. Unless you’re found dead, and even then, it won’t even make the news.
It really comes down to a world where the victim is faulted, for not being able the escape a predator. That, whatever happens to you, may as well be at your own hands, with a narcissist in particular, ending up looking like a standup citizen - for attempting to or succeeding at wrecking your life.
People have told me that I’m strong but, it’s felt like, “What choice do I have???” On the heels of learning about my mother’s narcissism, I had to back down a couple of narcissistic coworkers and a couple of narcissistic neighbors. These people are all over the place. It’s a good thing I’m a creative and am comfortable with my own company, because I enjoy solitude and, if I tell you that I’d like to be alone or I’m busy, you’d best get going, before things grow dark.😊
@@privateprivate8366 Everywhere: so true. I'm a pretty friendly person but have resorted to solitude (which I don't mind one bit) because my experience is anyone who has befriended me was with the intent to triangulate me from their domain. The long and short of it is, I just keep things light and friendly and keep things at an acquaintance level and do not let anyone want to "bestie" me right out of the gate. That just means they're sizing me up to take me down. Yes, serious trust issues, here. haha
@@janeydoe1403 yep, same. Perhaps, worse for me and some others, when it’s your parent. Because when do you want start trusting them. When they’re dead? Took me decades and a slipping mask for me to figure out who my mother was. A part of me feels sorry for her plight and wishes she had a longer life and another part of me wishes she were alive so I could punch her in the face.
The first 12 years after my divorce was so painfully riddled with post-relationship abuse that I struggled emotionally, financially and socially. I lost jobs, relationships and even family support.
The last 3 years have been quiet, but that doesn't mean stress free or that this torment is over. Maybe it is or maybe this is the eye of the storm / waiting for the other foot...
Our kids, that I've raised alone and have been used mercilessly as pawns, are almost legal adults. I am so close to the end of my prison sentence, that I can almost feel "hope" again.
5:52-5:57..."these systems are not designed for prevention, they are designed for blame." 💥
Worked in the field of domestic violence for over 20 years, I can fully attest to this statement. Abusers fair well in the family court and criminal legal system because they are among like minded people, if you understand what I mean. I would also tell my clients who had any legal case/matter against the abuser, to prepare herself to battle...battle the abuser AND the system.
And in over 20 years in the system, the laws against family and intimate partner violence have increased over the years but so has also the abusers' astuteness in manipulating these laws to work for them.
I agree... how did you survive 20 years? (Serious question.) I was so lucky to happen into a senior SW that recognized my trauma and took the best part of an afternoon to explain this to me.
Wow!!
Emmanuel King - Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Maybe someday we could require mental health evaluations for everyone who wants
to work in the family court and criminal legal system. I know I'm a dreamer, but I'm just trying to think of what could possibly help the system to shift toward respect for survivors of family and partner violence.
@@fredhubbard7210
This will sound cliche but it was my calling, just work I felt I needed to do. The survivors I worked with were amazing but what burned me out most of the time was dealing with all the outside systems I previously mentioned, like constantly hitting a brick wall. And working in these non-profit crime victims' agencies also had it's problems. But the work was very important and I learned a lot of life lessons from survivors, like holding on to your humanity, no matter what.
@@lovesings2us
That actually is a great idea and makes sense but abusers are so manipulative that they'll find a way to ace the tests! But it is a good idea. One thing I know is still needed are much more intensive trainings on domestic violence across the board and arming survivors with all the information and tools they need to face these systems more effectively.
Thank you for this video.., unfortunately this is my current reality also. The flying just under the radar is so true. I share a 8 year old son with my ex & it breaks my heart to see him put in the middle of this. His father weaponizes anything & anyone for his own agenda. It's all just collateral damage. Even if it's his own 8 year old's emotional health & well being that gets destroyed in the path. It's very hard to go on with your life & get any headway while someone is purposely trying to sabotage everything you do.
I was not sleeping for months from his harassments!
Harassed our family and friends too! Unbelievable!!
No normal human being would do that to a partner they say they love.
Threats, accusations, lies, cheating, all things that he did. He turned it around like I was the one who committed those vile acts 😣
Where do they get the energy??
When do they stop the hoovering?!
I shared Trevor's video with many of my friends and family because it touched my heart so much! I absolutely love & admire him so much because he uses humor to reach people but he knows when to be serious & take things seriously without crossing disrespectful lines. He's been through so much & yet is such a wise young man & uses his platform for good & I admire that so much! Violence & abuse is getting way to out of control & as an abuse victim of every type, it's scary & frustrating to see the abusers have way more rights & help available than those of us they harm! It makes asking for help feel meaningless & hopeless which is something I struggle despite being there for others I myself haven't had anyone to help me personally. It's made me withdraw & become afraid to leave my home for years now. I pray for change & help daily & people like Trevor give me hope I desperately need! 💜🙏🏽🦋
I was agoraphobic for years and severely depressed. It took a long time to heal and move forward with my life, making choices for myself and taking care of -myself-.
YOU are the most important person in your life ♡
I hope you find your path and light through this ✨ stay strong x
Can you share the video with me plzz
@@maymadison3620 just type Trevor noah. It's called "The Kim-Kanye-Pete Controversy"
Spoken bravely from someone who recognized the signs & red flags is awesome! I believe all those who have lived through abuse are constantly hyper-vigilant to everyone’s behavior in the room & witnessing or reading about these abusive situations is so triggering for me personally. Thank you Trevor Noah for using your platform to speak up!
I just went through this in court. I had a no contact order of protection for a year and went to have it extended. The narc posted my full name and threats on face book and TikTok. I was given a year extension and because we have a divorce pending I was able to add a contingency to the divorce for a life time no contact order of protection. The lifetime order enables me to just contact the police if he violates it at anytime. It doesn't prevent him from still posting on the edge of the law. I was able to present the posts as a reason to extend the DVOP.He is so malicious.
Myself and my children suffered post separation abuse for over 20 years. I went no contact but he knew he could use our children as weapons. They both have depression and anxiety,but chose to carry on with their relationship with him. I should have gotten as far away from him as possible but simply didn't have the resources. He punished me until I found the courage to stop being scared. It has taken its toll on us all. He even used the cancer diagnosis and subsequent death of my eldest daughter against me, using my number to send abusive texts as I'd had to ask him to pick up our children from school for the first time ever. I'd never asked him for help before. I resent him for trying to ruin my relationship with my children and the long term trauma we all went through.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving your time, energy, talent, and focus on supporting and educating victims of this abuse as well as giving a voice to the victims who are neglected, dehumanized, broken, and forgotten/ignored. I am in so much pain from the abuse I hardly remember what its like to feel human. I have begged for anyone to care and all I get is ignored and manipulated even more. Thank you!
Happy for you because I been there, literally yelled at store employees to call the police and they just stood there looking dumb while a male barked and threatened me. I was utterly disgusted & tbh majority of humans are pretty shitty cause I doubt they even called after we left the store. Probably just watched from inside while he continued to torture me in the street. People just look n stare 😤
This hit home. Been fighting for this, been through this, been voicing against this and every time it gets harder harder.
After leaving my ex (our child and I went to a refuge), we literally had to go into hiding because he had tried to kill me already. I had to delete all my social media, change my number, I had to warn my child’s new school not to post photos of him or mention his name on their website, I had to put together an ‘abduction pack’ which contains my child’s DNA (via a hair sample), my ex’s known contacts and lots of documentation and other info, in case my ex found my son and abducted him. Whenever I went outside the door, I was always looking over my shoulder and anxious at all times. That is so unbelievably stressful which is what you DON’T need after years of being in an extremely stressful DV situation. People often think that once you leave, that’s the happy ending and life will be good. For me, this was definitely not the case for reasons mentioned above and also because - once you leave - you start to feel again and start to process what you’ve been through all those years and that’s very traumatic in itself.
Not only is society asking us: "What Did You Do To Deserve The Abuse?"
But we are often asking that same blame-shifting question to ourselves.
And that is the tragedy.
I wish this kind of awareness was known when I was going through it in the early 90s. My (now adult) children and I would have very different lives today.
Ahh, the "what if" meandering.
What if we could go back in time ?
What if we already did and we're now here in the past changing the future for the better ?
Funny thing, this perception of "time".
czcams.com/video/goroyZbVdlo/video.html
@chifundo Triguthank you. I actually became stronger over the years, but both my children were damaged and still struggle. I had no idea when I was so young how life-altering his kind of abuse is for kids. I was always trying to be strong and do the right thing for my family, but I should have just taken my kids and left when they were small. It took me years of counseling and co-dependency recovery to heal. I’m doing great now. But my kids have issues. 😢❤️
This has been my story for over 20 years now. I purposely move often and avoid working at the same place so my ex-narc husband (who was extremely abusive in all ways) can’t easily find me. I’m so tired though. I said that Kanye reminds me if my ex so much. And regardless of Kim’s past, she doesn’t (and no one else) deserves abuse. I’ve heard so many people say she deserves it because of the strangest things. I mean do these people hear themselves?! And I absolutely love Dr Ramani and Trevor Noah-2 very brilliant and dedicated people.
I have a friend that was dealing with post separation abuse for twenty years even after she was remarried. It was a nightmare
I know from watching my narc in-laws go through multiple divorces that a narc doesn’t let go. Several of them have been divorced for decades and they bitterly talk about their exes as if the divorce(s) just happened recently. On another note regarding victim blaming,a friend of mine told me recently about someone’s relationship problems. She’s not aware of my situation. She victim blamed and said “she must like it or she’d leave”. I tried to explain that leaving is easier said than done.
They hold on to grudges forever. That’s their problem.
Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge this matter and thanking Trevor Noah for doing so, too. One day, I dream that our policies would change to where this is acknowledged for what it is- abuse, in its most wicked and harmful ways, as it does run under the radar.
I cried after watching Trevor Noah's video. I have never heard a man speak with such grace, truth, understanding, and compassion as he did, about what so many abuse survivors experience. He brought awareness to a topic that is so often swept under the rug and minimized by mainstream culture.
🙏🏼❤️Heaven Bless You Dr. Ramani❤️❤️🙏🏼 This one had me in tears. 3rd attempt at a Stalking Injunction...ignored & even tossed in the garbage by yet another (male) Judge.💔 No one wants to call a spade a spade - Domestic Violence IS Domestic Violence. WHEN does it STOP?!? 🙏🏼❤️🔥💔😣😢
#EnoughIsEnough #FightBack #KeepFighting
I very highly recommend Trevor's book "Borne A Crime." His life experience, insight, empathy and humor is enlightening, heart warming, and inspiring. His mother and grandmother are incredibly inspiring women.
An important thing to note is that this psychological torture can be a precursor to physical violence. Even if you didn't experience it during the relationship violence can happen afterwards. Don't wait to get a restraining order and work with a domestic violence advocacy group in your area. If someone doesn't believe you tell them you are moving and block them on social media so they can't find you and tell the abuser.
Thank you for this. We in the family violence community have known this all along but like sexual harassment in the workplace nobody wanted to hear it. Recognizing Trevor's contribution in such a supportive and articulate way is a wonderful public service especially to the children,
Dr. Ramani 10 STARS!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Trevor Noah use your platform and spotlight this!!!
Wow. This is what I’m dealing with in my life. He is doing things just under the radar. Not quite illegal.
Honestly best thing i ever did was to not put my exs name on my kids birth certificate. Better no dad than an abusive one.
Actually saw that monologue yesterday and thought the exact same thing - he was incredibly eloquent (as always) and did a great job shining a light on such a difficult issue.
Trevor's a very special human being
I’m glad that we are becoming more and more aware of narcissism thanks to angels like Dr Ramani.
Yes, yes and yes. It was unfathomable to my ex that I could leave and he continued his control and anger where he could, and it usually involved the children. I found it interesting that this has escalated since the seventies, when uncontested divorce was becoming the norm.
The capacity of vindictive narcissists to stalk can be astounding and difficult to comprehend when it occurs. When I left my physically and mentally abusive ex, he manipulated my own narcissistic parents who disowned me and invited him to the family events for 5 years when I refused to reconcile. He used my family to keep track of my activities for decades. It really destroyed my already-poor relationship with my parents.
My ex did this too. He attempted to make my more gullible and toxic family members dependent on his different gifts and favors, even though he was doing a piss poor job of helping out with the basics for our children. When I finally left he tried to turn them against me so I had nowhere and no one to turn to.
@@CBrown86 I'm sorry you had to endure that.
@@kerry5955 same to you. Its special type of hell
My main takeaway from the K&K story is that I can really not like a person but still have enormous amounts of empathy for them.
(Which I guess isn’t that far from my complicated feelings towards my abuser… I still care about him and empathize with everything he’s gone through, but he will never be a part of my life again because I will not give him the opportunity to hurt me any more.)
It really sucks when you were not in a relationship and never wanted them to begin with.
Thank you so much for this!!!
In my case, they do things in a way to remain hidden. They made it impossible to get evidence due to sabotage, paying people in the background to be henchmen, phone/computer hacking, etc...
And police do not believe you because no one believes someone is that unhinged...
Prayers to all that are going through this.
Yes Gavin acts like a Psychopath doing this to me.
I’m so glad I chose not to have children with my narcissistic policeman husband. While he was never physically abusive to me but he used to gaslight me a lot and I had a lot of fear of his guns and knives. So finally after 3 years of marriage I left him. Meanwhile his curiosity would get the best of him and he would cruise by my various residences while on patrol. So the strangest encounter was when he followed my baby and I into tiny store while on duty. We had a brief but civil conversation. But funny even 15 years later just hearing his voice while at the mall could strike fear into my heart.
When I saw his monologue on this subject…. I got the chills …I thanked him for talking about this subject in such a sensitive way and using his platform for just a conversation. We need more men to speak up that this is not ok.
This is harrowing and disturbing. Emails sent to the children's principal, coaches and trainers - and then my son. I have had whatsapps sent all hours of the morning and all through the day, until I had to block them. It could be such a nightmare. Yet: these people still are able to create social circles and make people like them, while tarnishing the victims' reputation. It can create such a lonely place for the victim, and worse yet, if there is no support.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani - and thank you, Trevor Noah. It will be great if you can actually have a live conversation with him on this channel!
I am so moved by how you did presented this topic, facing a relationship that even after separation/divorce it is still about being gas-lighted and ignored when I make a point and I have to work around these issues because we share a child together...even if I am not into the abusive relationship it is still hard to watch your videos because they bring up so many memories...not very happy how you might imagine....thank you for your work and for supporting survivers wherever they are ❤️
This has been my biggest issue, how are these things not against the law?! I've found that there are federal laws regarding domestic violence but do they matter if your local police can't do much, themselves?! I was ready to contact my states attorney with a ton of evidence bc I'm tired of being afraid and yet my attorney said to just let my attorney handle it. It's not that easy, I am harassed daily and nobody understands that if I don't stay submissive until I go in front of a judge, at least, then I'm done for.
@@Mark-fx3pp No.
1. I don’t see where the original
commenter suggested creating a law or enforcing it without evidence.
2. The fear of false accusations is an oversimplification of the actual reasons that people (not only women, but overwhelmingly women) have so much difficulty being heard.
3. The fact that you’re willing to shrug off the victimization of innocent people instead of supporting pursuing action against narcissistic abusers is only proving the point that narcissists already have the upper hand.
4. I’ve heard all of these arguments (and more) before, and every single one of them
was from my narcissist ex.
@@bakerfritz4681 🙏
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important subject. Compassionately and honestly presented and articulated as always. You’re helping more people than you probably know. Keep up the great work you’re doing.
Years ago, my best friend and I decided to take the friendship to the next level. After we moved in, he showed his true self. So, after a few years, and many arguments, I finally left. One of the scariest things I experienced was having someone who supposedly love me stalk me, & threaten me. I finally sent him a letter threatening a restraining order if he didn't stop, and I moved a few hours away. It was such a hard experience, but I can recognize those red flags now!
Never warn them you are planning to get a restraining order, they will see that as a last chance to get at you before you have the law on your side. Just get the restraining order without telling them.
Sadly, a restraining order can prompt an escalation into violence as the Narc, realising other people might be believing the victim, goes into a rage.
@@clogs4956
Not getting a restraining order is appeasement. Check Dr. C's recent video on how appeasement of a narcissist is a mistake!
Get a restraining order. You cannot reason with a narc. Not getting a restraining order to please them and you hope they will go away is delusional.
Your attitude of appeasement shows you have been changed by the narc to please them.
You can't control the narc by reason, but you can call the cops and get them locked the f**k up if they break a restraining order. Without a restraining order you won't get any help from the law, and actually I know of several narcs who were scared by restraining orders and they left the state because of it!
@@obscurum6 I'll have to agree to disagree with you. Please allow me to refer you to 'Why Does He do That' by Lundy Bancroft, who highlights how restraining orders can be a red rag to abusers, even those who have never offered physical violence before.
@@obscurum6 which video specifically?
Trevor was correct. I work in Social Services and many of my clients live in DV. They’ve convinced themselves this is how it is…in my years with social services several have been killed. It’s a very serious issue. Kids are left without parents and the cycle continues
I saw this too and was going to send to your team. So thankful for people like you, your team, and Trevor Noah (& team). Co-parenting with a malignant narcissist is a nightmare.
I couldn't help but think of your valuable and I insightful input, Dr. Ramani, as I watched Trevor Noah's video. It so overwhelming and disheartening to face such a situation in person and in the courts, no matter who you are. And even Trevor Noah faced collateral damage after expressing his views.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for all your help.
Thank you Trevor Noah for being a man and sharing these facts. There can't be too much acknowledgement and exposure of this horror that goes on endlessly in our society.
Thanks for this video Dr. Ramani.
Thank you for highlighting Trevor Noah's efforts - the great points he made, as well as the fact that he , as a man, is trying to do something about it. We need more of them and treasure them when they help us 🙂
Thank you for addressing this with respect and privacy for those involved. I have been uncomfortable with advocacy groups highlighting the specifics and naming names. I worry it just creates an even more unsafe environment for those involved. You handled this with such grace and wisdom. In the end, the identities shouldn’t matter, but it is helpful to have a spotlight on the dynamics of abuse. Thank you.
The rock and a hard place of trying to protect your children when none of my concerns are genuinely taken into account. I am patronised. People tell me to enjoy my break when they see him. But I can't. I am waiting for the next lot of lies I need to correct without "denigrating the other party". Try and unweave his subtle gaslighting from their memories. Explain that I cannot answer the questions he told them to ask me because they are adult matters. While so many sing his praises for wanting to be involved. When he wants all his parental "rights" while taking Zero responsibility.
Thank you so much for this episode Dr. Ramani. I have been watching your channel for quite a while, and although I gained a lot of insight into myself and my husband, I am financially dependent on my "narc" husband. Even though you already have a gorgeous plethora of information and support you offer your viewers for free, I am grateful for the way you recognized and combined Trevor Noah's story and comments into your program. Thank you. I continue to live with my "narc" husband in hopes that I will some day be able to leave. I raised three wonderful sons in the midst of our very abusive relationship and I blame myself for not having more courage to leave. Although my sons are very kind, responsible people who have good jobs and do not live in extraordinary situations of emotional abuse that I am aware of, I still blame myself for not leaving. It's as if I should have been "wonder woman" and risked starvation in order to free us from the abuse. No one asked "what is happening". No one asks "what is the change we want to see?". Every point that you and Trevor brought up was true. I only called the police once in my 28 year relationship with my husband- they told me not to provoke my husband -- I guess they meant if I get hit (again) and I said something that upset him, it's my fault. I am praying for an answer. I am currently receiving treatment for stage 2/3 multiple myeloma, a rare form of cancer that is incurable at the present time, and I cannot get treatment without insurance -- which is the power dynamic that exists at the present time. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your kind heart to help others. Thank you for this insightful and helpful episode.
I didn't know who Trevor Noah is, but I do now. I went and watched this. We need more of this type of person in the World generally.
Really enjoyed yesterday's Q&A, thanks Dr Ramani, the team and the community.
he's amazing. you should watch him more often
@@moonhunter9993 I am in UK and haven't been watching main stream TV for about 3 years.
@@amac2573 sure. I don't do tv. I only watch him online... but it's worth it
@@amac2573 Have you ever seen the program the daily show? He’s the current host.
@@vincelamonaca5607 Only watched the clip about this so far. Didn't know about a lot of this stuff until Dr Ramani's video.
I went through domestic violence and this post separation situation happening to me. The children suffer the most. I went through this along w my children… Sadly, today, after 20 years the person still posts and speaks about it negatively as if to gain my attention and of those around me. I am grateful that this has been spoken of and it should be spoken about more often. This causes trauma that creates so much harm to both the parent going through this and the children dealing w this.
Thank you for this review. It has been 10 years since my situation, and the biggest drawback to my recovery was the lack of visibility and support that I got from my friends. They seemed to protect him despite him being 100% a danger to me.
Thank you Dr. Ramini and Trevor Noah! I saw Trevor Noah's commentary on the issue and cried because it was so opposite of what usually is said to victims, survivors and thrivers. It isn't as easy to just leave or to leave and be continually harrassed. Watch any police, hospital or drama television program (fact or fiction) and at least once a season the question of "what didn't they just leave" comes up and it is rarely dealt with appropriately. It is hard to wrap our minds around what the victim is going through emotionally when you hear or see these dramas play out and we need to do better in educating society to stop blaming and shaming the victim.