LIMERENCE: They Loved You Once, But Now They're POISON
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- čas přidán 9. 08. 2022
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Perfect love is fragile. You are lucky if you experience it. It's common for traumatized people, however, to idealize that love and damage the rest of their lives in order to try and re-find it. In this video I answer a letter from a woman who's spirits were salvaged at a traumatic time in her youth by a friendship with a boy... who has now come back into her life.
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Neglect is abuse, but it is invisible abuse.
It is about what your parents DON'T do for you. I was a neglected child and it still takes a ton of mental work to understand, that this really was abuse. Not just being hit and being sexually molested was abuse, but also being ignored, being left alone all the time, being used as a carer for little brother, being of use, instead of being cared for .... it is sad to think about the past. But it helps to un-learn ignoring yourself, neglecting yourself.
💚 notice what you need, like, want and talk about it. Be loud. Find your voice.💪
I used to joke my mom had kids to watch and raise her other kids. But its not funny. Its like she likes babies they are cute but resents us for growing up and needing other things than food and attention. Its awful this kind of abuse. It ruins lives.
Thank you so much for this comment.
This was the biggest hindrance in healing: not taking the pain seriously because it wasn't physical pain
Same here
Same here. I was brought up, like people in a cult, like Scientology. The abusers cult, who led the family.
I was 28, when I finally realised, that I was gaslighted, lied to and sucked out so much from the beginning, my whole life long. Nothing was really the way, as I was told. Even I myself was not, what I was told, I am.
I cannot explain how much this hurts, how confusing it is, how much you suffer losing what you actually never had.
It is so hard - to built any trust in life, to built relationships with sane people, to built the acceptance for what happened, to be able to move on and start built a life, on the basis that was given to me.
"Spiritual shoplifter who leaves your shelves empty". I've never heard it said like that before and it is so accurate.
Being cured from limerence tendencies is the best feeling ever.
How did you get cured?
@@mightymouse1005 Therapy, philosophy, self-awareness and accountability. You then, achieve to be emotionally mature and realize how silly limerence is.
@@mightymouse1005 for me personally i would catch myself fantasizing about someone and be like wait. this is just a coping method because my life sucks lol. thinking about this doesn't help me at all, but thinking about the things i can do to improve my life will. and if that's not enough, i think about the negatives of fantasizing. like it will make me more detatched from the reality i share with the person i'm fantasizing about. it will make me seem weird in geenral. so i just do my best to stop thinking about the person and force myself to think of other things
@@di3486 are you having normal real relationships now? can you write more in details how you made it? what kind of therapy you re doing? what kind of philosophy , stoicism? how you practice accountability???? Thanks for you answer !!!
Watching all these videos about people stuck in limerence, I'm left with disgust at all the people who willy-nilly chose to become parents but then weren't willing or able to standup for their child or meet the child's emotional needs. As a result, there are now legions of adults trying to cope with limerence on top of all the pressures of adulting in the modern world. The miseries of life never end. Sigh.
I have had similar thoughts. Legions of narcissists and codependents and so on. I wonder then what was before that and so on. All we can do is move forward with our best intentions and knowledge on what to do about it now. But I sure hope there is a flipside eith generations after in much better shape than ever. ❤️🙏❤️
@@evonne315 Very true: we can only keep moving forward, as best we can and with good intentions. That's the only healthy path. We can only hope more people in subsequent generations get it together better.
Thanks for replying. I'm just having a bit of a bad day today. 👍👍❤❤
This!
@@bricksfeathers5423 Your first comment is a slam-dunk. My exact thoughts - thank you for saying it. This channel has made me finally connect the dots of how I lost the prime of my adulthood to limerant relationships or fled in fear from the good ones. Now in my early 40s and finally in a "both people ready" relationship, we're struggling to conceive (of course we are - because women's biology doesn't just go on "pause" while we realise and fix the damage of our upbringing). The thought of me now losing the chance to be a loving, intentional parent because of the mess it took me so long to understand and clean up, seems the cruellest punishment of all. I share your disgust and I have only empathy for others trapped in the psychological consequences of their parents' choices. We can only be grateful that there is more information and awareness, to rewrite our storiy.
I agree so much. I never had children because I was never able to stay in a stable long-term relationship in my 20's and 30's. I am now grateful I did not have children because I would be such a danger to them emotionally.
Both my parents are emotionally immature, neglectful and abusive in so many ways. My mother, who had a rotten childhood also (much worse than she created for us) at least can see that she was a bad mother. However, my father thinks he did OK and keeps ranting about people who don't appreciate their parents and let therapists tell them their parents messed them up. He is now desperately trying to reconnect with 2 of my 3 older brothers (by different women) that he abandoned and neglected. His oldest child, who he is not in contact with is not willing to play ball and be forgiving. He even ghosted me when I reached out to him independent of my day. My dad still says he's doing great family-wise ( I think he knows better) even though he would never have seen most of his grandkids if it weren't for Facebook and forgiveness.
I can relate soooo much with what Carrie went through growing up. Having a mother that downloads her own insecurities and self hatred into me.
Me too. My mom is like that too its insanly toxic and damaging.
My dad's that way.
@@evonne315 big virtual hug to you.
@@LisaPFrampton big virtual hug for you too.
"Your instinct for survival gave you a super power to believe in the good qualities of people who were just cruel, or to see possibilities of people who were really just self-destructing, or feel loved and special even you were actually alone or utterly abandoned. That's what got you through all those years. "
"The first step would be to step into your present time to see yourself and see other people as they really are. "
These words are so powerful. I finally understood why I look at the world from a perspective that is so different from others. The world is an imaginary fantasy created by me because of my CPTSD.
You really heard this message! Thanks for highlighting some take-aways :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
❤Wow❤
“Spiritual shoplifter who leaves your shelves empty" Thank you for saying it like that. I needed to hear it.
When you were talking about when there is a marriage and children involved, I was reminded of a saying "if you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your kids". So true.
Omg, I've lost years to this.
Hi Carrie! Don't blame yourself for not taking the chance when you were 14. As Anna said, it's quite understandable under the circumstances! One problem about CPTSD in my eyes is the experience of scarcity. Love has always been scarce, and you feel if you didn't take the one chance you had it will never come again. However, this is not reality, it's just what we have falsely learned in our childhood. Love is there in abundance, everyone has a right to it and it will find you in the right moment. Don't lose trust in that!
Thank you for sharing support and encouragement with our letter writer. It is greatly appreciated. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I was thinking of a word why men chase me for awhile until, they drop off as soon as they know I like them . It hurts, like he craves the attention. It's called Shop lifting, perfect description. Their ego needs the attention and I'm the target, a pretty classy mysterious spiritual good lady. It's like being cut with a thousand wounds, over and over, just so they can get that charge, of the unknown new pretty lady in the group. I don't believe it's malice, I think it's a hormone high they have at first, then after the high dwindles they drop off. It wasn't real or they don't want to make the effort for relationship. I'm so tired of their craziness and Ego's. I've recently recognized more Red Flags signals. Understand now how to truly guard my heart.
So many people in relationships are feeding off the romantic energy of people other than their partners. Thank you for pointing out the damage this does to the 'friend/non-partner' as well as the actual partner who is being cheated on, emotionally. Most people, including the partnered person engaging in the emotional cheating, usually don't want to acknowledge this, probably in the latter case because they are getting their own emotional/practical needs met by the situation. I so hope that Carrie gets the help she needs and finds someone who truly appreciates her. She sounds like inside she is a good person, with a lot of love to give.
You are so right about closure. It was a trend, back in the 80s and 90s to have therapists advising their clients to reach out to the person who ended the relationship and find out why and perhaps even confront the ex and make certain that their angry feelings were heard. Worst, most painful and destructive idea ever to be at your MOST vulnerable and then contact the person who dumped you to get closure. Being dumped IS closure. Time to move on and focus on healing.
The mom is a therapist and didn't acknowledge her daughter pain smh.
Yes, I found that unbelievably hurtful for her too....the one person you think that would be there for you...and to top it off, she was a therapist!!!!..what a major double whammy!
That took me out guys we do live in a crazy 🤪 world yikes.
I love your comment about some people being emotional and spiritual shoplifters. It’s such a great description and clear.
Dear Anna , You are actuallly Saving my Life right now
I guess i was ready when suddenly your videos appeared in my CZcams 3 days ago ; the simple fact that you exist is a miracle
May be It sounds silly , but now when i wake up , i feel just joyfull to Be in a world where Anna DOES exist
thank you for the kind words. Jack@teamfairy
I have a mom-ster, who is well regarded in her community as a childcare provider. She could line up a thousand people to gush and testify to what an amazing and caring person she is.
I have spent the past 3 years trying to remember any loving interaction I’ve had with her. I cannot. I so desperately want to have a nice mom memory, but there is nothing there. Nothing. It’s been such a process to understand how she could give so much to literally every kid in the neighborhood, and give me resentment, and hatred. It was hard to reconcile her carefully constructed persona with what I experienced every day
My dad was the same. He was a highly regarded junior basketball coach. As in, rewarded and decorated several times over in the basketball club, district and national level. Coach of the year several times. Raised several professional and national team players. He was the safe adult (the only one in many kids life), tolerant and wise. Demanding but very supportive.
With me, the story was very different. Narcissistic abuse, putting me down, downplaying my achievements and telling me I could and should have done better despite being the best. I was never the best _in the right way_ and if I wasn't the best but did very well it was not counted as anything.
The verbal abuse was constant. Telling me that I should be thin like my half sister (from another mother, who was very skinny whereas my mom and I are bigger build and more athletic). Never telling me I was enough. Abandoning me over and over again. Blaming me for everything. After he and mom finally split up he revved up the abuse as for him, I was a part of my mom and he had so much to get even for with her.
After dad died and I told about it on social media, I had a really hard time keeping my mouth shut when the people he used to coach were gushing memories about how wonderful a person he was. I was just relieved.
I feel you. Same here. After my mom died I've desperately tried to remember a single nice word or gesture and all that came up was lifetime of what now I know was abuse. And yet I hear all those people constantly bringing her up and gushing about what a wonderful person she was. It's heartbreaking.
The new age community and online tarot readings shows just how many battle with limerence. It's been two years since I've been in it myself, I hope i can continue to see the grass through the trees (if that's the saying?)
I totally agree. Great point!
I like to use tarot and oracle cards for shadow work and journaling prompts. sometimes for meditation too. it has helped so much for me to understand a little bit more about why I did some of the things I did to keep a man who didn't care about me around. the folks who look at tarot everyday looking for divination or validation of their pain and suffering, in my opinion, are using it all wrong. I feel like it's a loose guide and a way to look at a situation in a different way. sometimes reframing can be everything.
Instead of a dream come true person, I want a dream come true hobby, my own gifts making 💰
My BIGGEST error was not asking the correct questions of myself. I would say, "OH! I LOVE HIM so much!" And fail to ever ask myself, "Does he seem to love me?" This sending me on a spiral of feeling like I owed and was obligated to GIVE love all day long, but never recognize that I wasn't receiving any in return. I deserve to be loved too. That's a thing I know now.
On a less serious note - I really like how you style your hair! It really suits you, as do your glasses! Very elegant!
I noticed that too so smooth
Spot on advice. This woman does seem to be very aware and that is a plus to healing and getting through this situation. I'm so thankful there is someone like Anna who has a huge platform, that brings up accountability about screwing around with married men IN ANY CAPACITY!!! So many people entangle themselves in places they're not supposed to be and ruining families and other spouses in the process. My life was destroyed because of my husband's affair and I just wish more people took it seriously. Btw... Anna looks great in black!
We’ll stated.
The way the author casually mentions he his married with three children as if that isn’t an obstacle , is very troublesome. She goes on to justify her wanting this man by saying she heard “rumors” his wife was controlling.
Married men and women are off limits, period.
I love this.
I am so sorry for the pain your ex-husband's actions caused you and your children if you have any. But, to be brutally honest, your ex-husband's lover is not the one primarily responsible for causing it. She did not betray you. She, unlike your ex-husband, made no promises to you, did not break a vow to love, honor and cherish you. I'm not saying she gets a free pass - she certainly enabled his betrayal, perhaps even made it appealing for him to do it (I have no idea, I don't know the circumstances) which is wrong both morally and karmically. But, ultimately, no one held a gun to his head (as far as I know) and he is and was responsible for his decisions and actions...he, and no one else, is the person that ultimately ruined your family.
@@suzy1750 I was waiting for someone to comment your sentiments. I'm well aware that it was my husband who made the vow to me and not the mistress. She was well aware that he was married WITH two little babies. She was also a 22 year old girl with a drug problem. Personally, if I know someone is married , I wouldn't dare touch them because I feel like I'm committing adultery same as the one who is married. As far as my ex's mistress goes, two years after he left me and our kids for her, she died of a drug overdose and I witnessed her body being carried out of the house in a body bag. I feel absolutely zero sympathy for her whatsoever or anyone else who inserts themselves into an affair. I'd say she got her karma.
@@beatrixbrennan1545 I do understand why you feel the way you do. I would never be with anyone that was married either - first, because I wouldn't want to be with a cheater that would betray his spouse as I would have zero respect for him and, second, because I don't believe that you can build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness. That being said, while his mistress sounds like a selfish person, so does your ex-husband, and it was his selfishness that destroyed your family, not hers. I do not think it is right to shift the ultimate blame from where it truly lies. I think as a society the underlying motive to this might be a good one - to preserve the family unit at all costs probably for the sake of the children - but I think it can encourage this type of behaviour when the 'other woman' is demonized while the man is looked on as something of a victim that was 'seduced' or 'enticed' as if he was not a fully grown adult with free will. Anyway, it sounds like an incredibly painful situation all around. I truly am sorry you and your kids went through it and I hope you are now surrounded with loving people that are supporting you in your healing.
I love the metaphor -- the emotional shoplifter who will leave you with empty shelves!
I suffered strongly from a lack of closure multiple times until i learned more about cptsd. Apparently i'm attracted to avoidant people (which i knew existed, but hadn't gotten a feel for before listening to stories on this channel) because it often happened that someone i was dating withdrew with no explanation. But the last time i had been noting all the red flags and calling him out on them. So eventually when it happened again, it was not devastating and i didn't spiral out of control. I had no need for more closure, because the situation was pretty clear to me. He had never before examined his psychology/trauma and me asking all those pointed questions about his avoidant mannerisms brought up emotions that he was not ready for and made him want to flee and shut it down. I've always kinda been like that, asking the most personal and sensitive things. And being broken up with, when i understand the situation, i'm just a little sad for a while and then i'm ok and i move on. But when i don't get the logic of it, it is this devastating limerent feeling that can go on for 6 months or so. So i don't even know what to call it, it's not about abandonment really. I guess understanding the situation gives some sort of control, a way to do better next time. But this understanding would have never come from the people themselves because they wouldn't have been able to put it in words. So i guess my point is that closure can come from unexpected sources and that there are cases where it's not just your subconscious trying to have an excuse to reconnect. Sometimes it can genuinely be about the need to understand and that's a normal thing to feel as well.
Totally agree!
Yes! When it’s a break up, I don’t get too upset by the rejection. It’s when I don’t understand, I will obsess and dwell and try to make it make sense. So much harder to let go.
even without cptsd, women often complain about not getting closure from men in a breakup. so it isn't only about, or all from, trauma, sometimes people are just, people. they don't want to deal with stuff that makes them uncomforable.
Picture someone who chases you, rather than you chasing them, someone who doesn't let you off the hook when you feel negative feelings, someone who tells you when you're wrong, when you hurt them, how you hurt them, someone who puts up boundaries with you, who makes you earn their trust, who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you just because you want to be in a relationship with them, who tells you, sorry, I'm not interested...
how does imagining this person feel?
Because this is what a non-avoidant person would be like.
People who are attracted to avoidants, are also avoiding something. It may be different things, but both are avoiding. It isn't possible that you would be attracted to someone that isn't giving you what you want, so they must be giving you something that you want. I would explore that.
Are you attracted to people who make you think, who make you wonder?
Are you looking for people to figure out?
@@ebbyc1817 Who i'm attracted to and who i date are somewhat separate. I have had long term relationships, but only with non-avoidant people. From my pov, they were just normal people, so i don't really relate to your list of things of what they are like. But ofc i since i don't have relationship experiences with avoidant people, i cannot really compare and agree or disagree.
I do like it when people are puzzling, but i like it just as much from a distance. It's not even that dissimilar from how i feel about math problems. I do not think though that i should further explore my attraction to avoidant people. When i have explored it, it was only trouble. I find relationships with non-avoidants much more fulfilling than those non-relationships. It is an interesting question, but i can't derail my life for the sake of curiosity.
@@Desimere it's funny you mention Math, because I have the same thing, about Math problems. :)
No not explore relationships with avoidants, explore yourself, your own mind, explore why "Apparently i'm attracted to avoidant people"...
" I have had long term relationships, but only with non-avoidant people."
yes, because the ones with avoidants end " with no explanation ".I sense you're trying to distance yourself from it. Fair enough.
Similar traumas, I was totally Invisible to parents who gave me away at six weeks old, and all my caretakers.you explained how I was treated as non-human. A nuisance and sometimes used as a housekeeper. No wonder I've had limerence, after given some attention from a guy I might be attracted to. It's still happening but God showed me recently why I let certain men in my heart too quickly while they may have only been flirting or whatever they do when they're excited about me for a little while. I don't think they know what their flirting does to a person like myself. I know how to think now and not to assume they like me. Most men attracted to me are probably emotionally immature. Good to have the understanding so I can move towards a man who will be healthy.
Well said. There is “flirting” and then the kind of “flirting with intent” which is so destructive to the limerent challenged. I’m still in limerance for 3 years w a man who came after me aggressively and then pulled back. I fell over the precipice on day one but he fueled it. Perhaps we equate love with longing.
@@prince6a longing not love, sounds right to me.
Dignity gone and I pretended that love was a fable. Relationships are difficult and my superpower ignored dangerous ppl. I'm used to em..unreal unavailable relationships had to go. 5 years on. Feel better chasing health
I believe I'm one of the limerance person. This explains how I keep ending up in the same situation. I don't initiate it but it's hard to let go once my heart is attached. You always feel like it's hard to find people to understand you. So it makes you vulnerable to these men who already taken.
Just realize is all in your head and not reality.
This letter break my heart It’s the first time I cry so much.. just the though of what she went through wish it’s very similar to what I went through too, the way her childhood was robbed from her… I feel her pain completely.. my heart goes to her and that she can find happiness with your work.🥺🙏🏻
You are so, so kind. Thank you for commenting.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I really appreciate your moral clarity in providing feedback; I think it's so pro-social and helpful. I think she already knows the right move, but sometimes it's good to receive that guidance from someone you respect to keep on the right path.
I crossed that line with the guy from the past who is in a relationship and I regret it...at least I saw him for who he really was and got out of the fantasy but it's been 3 months since I cut him of and it's still very painful. Not going to forget that
My heart goes out to you. I almost crossed the line too but was saved from doing so by circumstance.
I had held my first love in my mind as a sweet, kind spiritual boy. We had promised to love each other for ever but I moved away and the relationship died (this was before internet and cellphones). Years later he found my number and called me (on his wedding day!) to say that while he was marrying this other woman whom he also loved, I had a special place in his heart and I should always remember that. At the time, while I was so flattered that someone could actually love me (I never felt love from my parents growing up and thought I was unlovable and good for nothing more than sex) even I could see that what he was doing was not fair to his wife (and now I realise, to me). I never pursued anything with him but through the years I held him in my mind as a symbol of pure undying love. As my relationships ended I would think "at least I was loved, really loved once". He reached out to me when his marriage was ending and became very inappropriate in his behaviour.
I was saved by an overseas trip and the pandemic from falling for him now that he was "free". I could not be available for long chats or to go on dates. More importantly I had had enough healing by then to sense that I had created a fantasy of him and also, it is not safe to date someone who has just left a marriage. Thankfully I never rushed into anything with him. We talk casually over the phone and now I now see the reality of the man and realise he has changed for the worst. It was my dream to be with him but it would have been hell on earth. I dodged a bullet.
@@raslalique good for you that you weren't available at that time. I think we realize later on that we dodged a bullet. I realized that too. Glad for you. I know that when I will be healed from this , it will be like a whole new life because he was in my head for so long that I didn't even realize it. He told me inappropriate things as well. Like " you thought I was the man of your life" in an ironic way. Yikes
@@auroraborealis6398 Thanks for your kind comment and for sharing your experience. Your healing will come sooner then you think, just keep going. One day you will find him a distant memory and be able to dodge the next energy bandit who comes along. After that, the world is yours. All the best to you
First class advice.
I feel that ! My perception of the world was also denied and then I seen the world differently then healthy people. Like I believed if I had had any feelings I shouldn’t share them because they weren’t true.
Thanks for this.
I learned something so incredible today. It's so important to discern people who Emotionally Shoplift from us. Awesome Anna. Thank you. So clarifying. So good.
carrie is strong ,she is wise and insightful .praying for her full healing. My mother is not narcisstic but did have some tendencies... criticism of appearance is hard ,it really damages your esteem. I cant relate to carrie, due to fear Ive pushed others away. Also I loved when you said stop looking back, stay in the present.💓
~The part about her mom being a therapist & being so helpful to everyone but her, i can relate to so much, cuz my mom has had a prayer group for decades & hears others' problems all the time & im sure must comfort them, yet somehow she always seems so annoyed if i tell her anything that is going on with me that is bad or upsets me~Ive never understood this~Shes always there for my sisters, too~We have always had friction between us, but that she is there for anyone but me has always really hurt.....
They never loved in the first place... it was an illusion.
Thank you Carrie and Anna !!! Anna you are so insightful and well spoken. When you said “Your’re not ready, you’re getting ready!” It gave my heart so much hope to keep healing!!! Its coming soon!!
I’m so grateful for your kind advice and compassion to the world. Thank you for caring for people.
That's so kind of you to say. Thank you for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Families seem to turn against the victims & give the perpetrator a pass! Her mother is very strange! She like many of us didn't have an example of true love! Her family members were very bad examples of human beings just like many of our families! They actually make u hate yourself! Self love is the most important love for everyone!!!
Was sexually abused 15 years. Filmed, druged, neglected.
I was brought up, like people in a cult, like Scientology. The abusers insane cult, who led the family.
I was 28, when I finally realised, that I was gaslighted, lied to and sucked out so much from the beginning, my whole life long. Nothing, nothing was really the way, as I was told. Even I myself was not, what I was told, I am.
I cannot explain how much this hurts, how confusing it is, how much you suffer losing what you actually never had.
It is so hard - to built any trust in life, to built relationships with sane people, to built any acceptance for what happened, to be able to move on just tiny little steps and start built a life, on the basis that was given to me. No healthy basis at all. There are times, when I ask myself, how the world could possibly be this cruel to an innocent child. Sometimes I find myself in feeling, that there is no God. How could there be a God, someone who watches over you, after what I went through, there is no way!
I was sexually and physically abused too. I too wondered why God let me suffered like that. But we are survivors. I hope you’re healing. Praying for you.
been on my healing journey from covert narcissist parents the past year. Everything in the letter is very relatable. Thank you for your content Anna!
This was a beautiful video❤ gave me so much insights and hope
Sharing hope and insights is what we're aiming for. :) Glad this video was helpful for you, thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I’m so grateful for this channel & hearing how we are connected through our experiences & desires. Much love sisters 🙏🏼🤍
Ooh boy! Thank you soo much Anna ❤️This video gave me great insights.
You're so welcome. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I love these videos. This happened to me a few times. Since when I was a teenagers. Because of my culture and my age , I had only platonic love when I was much younger . Then after my divorce , a long long limerence experience towards someone.
Glad you enjoyed the video. Thanks for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Dear Anna, thank you so much!!!! What you insist I could do is
incredibly triggering. My family was unspeakable. Your videos are sort
of the best I can do right now, and give me so much hope.
Straight and tender as always....you are marvellous, Anna
Thirteen is such an important developmental stage and trauma can interfere so much with the self exploration that's supposed to be going on at that age. I can relate to seeking out a safe place in another person. Survival mode takes up so much of your energy, gets in the way of potential, limits your capacity for authentic connection that you crave so badly. We build these walls around ourselves because discomfort and danger feel the same to us. Then someone comes along and it seems like they're offering that connection with a big bow on it. And that seems so great, they're making it easy. And then the bow comes off and it's all still a big mess underneath. Even if we're not to blame for what happened to us we have to do the work of learning to discern. I think we can fall into limerence and other nasty patterns over both mistakes we've made and the ones we didn't while we were busy protecting ourselves. As I'm getting closer to 40 and taking inventory of my life and my emotional state that's something I've figured out for myself.
I had to add, when you said to go about things in a structured way and develop a relationship before giving away your light, that was really powerful. I wish someone had said that to me when I was young.
Thanks for this thoughtful response, glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Loving your videos, thank you! Just came across your channel, not sure why it took me this long! As a fellow therapist in the field, I appreciate your work in this area! Thanks again
Love metaphor of emotional shoplifting at 31:09. It is usually so subtle that the robbed party wouldn't even dare to say anything but it's there, it did happen.
Oooooh I have a lot of the same symptoms and family dynamics, thank you for sharing and let’s get help so we can be happy in a loving relationship. This channel is life changing. Im signing up and going for help.
Welcome to the channel! Sending you encouragement as you take this big step. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I was thinking that she might be holding such an attachment to this man because he WAS there when she was a child. Since he never hurt her, amongst all of the hurtful people and situations around her, he was a beautiful beacon of hope. Also, I don't know if he knows about her abuse, but even if he doesn't, there's a part of her that feels like he accepted her when she was suffering that shame. Shame that she never should have felt and I hope she knows that now.
I think that even though they will never be together, he symbolizes the love that she WILL find that is meant for her. God placed a beacon of hope in her life so that she could keep her flame of life force 🔥 alive and find the perfect love that is waiting for her!
Just want to say thanks for putting the "subscribe/like" prompt at the bottom of the video during the video instead of taking up the whole screen at the beginning of the video. Its a silly little thing but I cant stand when channels do it. Makes binge watching their videos kinda annoying, and to me its like walking up to a stranger and the first thing you say to them is "lets be friends!"
Like, give me a chance to see who you are and what you're about before demanding I be your friend/subscriber right off the bat and let me decide if I want to like/subscribe on my own and in my own time.
Rant over lol
Totally get it. And when you're ready to subscribe, we'll be here to welcome you. :) In the meantime, thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Boy,I need some emotional depth and attunement right now, but many people are just so toxic.
Wow wow woooow she did it again! Thank you Carrie for sharing your past with us as I find it so relatable in so many ways and I hope she has found help and happiness since this airing 💗💗💗💗
Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Excellent response!💕
Thank you Fairy. Always helping me see more clearly and cement my boundaries. 💕
So great to hear that! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My God the timeliness of this - my God uncanny.
Very well explained.
Very good video 💫
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Yes. The Union is what even the Bible - the Union of family. And Union of marrige, union of family. Family is a place of warmth and love and security. Family is physical - it ia an organizm, which is living and growthing.
So good you do mention and accept and see union ❤
This video was really Good, So much good advice ,Anna bless you in your work, 💗
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
All members of my family were emotionally abusive and absent, mother , father and brother. Limerence kept me sane and now I am taking my power back from limerence and abusive or incompatible people. I am healing bit by bit and the progress is unfolding well.
God bless you all for healing and walking towards happiness and fulfillment🙏💓💫
That guy, even if he was to get a divorce - would still need to realize why he stayed with a controlling woman for so long - if it was for more than just staying for the children. So even if he was to show up single now - would not be a safe choice until he's done the work on himself.
Thank you!!!
Thank YOU for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you.
I did that also . I feel you girl❤️
Don't ever seek what you've convinced yourself is closure, people. Not only are they not going to tell you what you want to hear....but, what they do tell you?
It. Is. Going. To. Make. You. Feel. SO! MUCH! WORSE!
So much worse.
Yes you are so true in what you are saying. But being in a relationship for 22 years then the person disappears. She was addicted to opioids. She is caught up in her mothers pills. 5 family members are in a pill mill operation from Doctor Sutton’s 25 years handing out opioids. Nothing I can do but move on. She has lost the DNA in her brain. She is pickeled with this drug. She will have to take it to her grave. PTSD from her mother. Now she has to stay by her mother to get her opioids. So wrong. The devil has control of American society. Later.
I think that closure thing is something else. When I want it, it's me wanting to get reassured. I need to know that I am actually heard and understood. I don't mind things to be over, I need things to be clear.
Still working on not caring what they think.
What to do if someone is limerent toward you?
I understand your need to clear the air with your childhood friend, especially since you do have a real connection and friendship. But I agree with Anna that you should keep your fingers off a married man.
What I would do, if you really want to have an open conversation with him:
- Talk on the phone or write him a letter, so he can't touch you and trigger new emotions in you
- Only talk about your past, why you rejected him back then and that you didn't mean to hurt him, but don't open any door to a romantic relationship right now. Don't say that you have feelings for him now (this doesn't lead anywhere and only causes trouble for his family) and make it clear that that you wish to leave this behind
- If you need, tell him that you need not to be in touch with him at least for a while.
As I said in my other comment, this will not have been your last chance, so let it go and trust the flow! ❤️
An emotional shoplifter! I'm so glad you said that! I'm trying to not have contact with my LO and he cant stop leaving messages. He wants to see how I'm coping, hes worried about me. Its confusing. I thought he was a friend. He has ADHD. I'm tired. I hate this limerance. I hate these romantic feelings I have for him. Its bringing up so many hurt feelings from my childhood. Nightmares of abandonment and fear. Usually I would call him and talk about anything anything. But I noticed I was unconsciously always trying to impress him. Now I feel like I have nothing but bad childhood memories. I also have many chronic health issues that when I needed something practical practical I could count on him. It hurts. Not sure my therapist is helping me so much. Wondering if trauma counseling would be the way to go. Any suggestions out there?
"Emotional cheater and shop lifter" why do people do that and why do limerance lovers attract that? Big questions :)
For me my hobbies create contentment for me.
I understand this letter, experiencing molested at age 5. Also physical abuse with controlling not being able to speak. The words "That was the time" they swept molesting under the rug makes me cringe. People needed to look good and had to look perfect. Her letter actually captured how things were back then. Each of us had to learn who we are learning emotional support of oneself. For most of us it's a lifetime to know and learn.
I see so many similarities in her story and mine..
Yes.
Please Ģod, give grace 🙏
For Your Own Good. Sooo damaging.
This is me!!!!!
Are you Carrie?
♥️
Concerning the emotional shoplifter and his "controlling" wife. It is very possible that he has cheated on her and what people are seeing is her reaction to that.
I need to be in touch with you. Can we please have a session?
I’m at breaking point..
Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy 🤍
🤗❤🙏
This seems very unusual, is this letter written by the lady in this video calling herself Kerry?
I make up the names.
Letters from her followers about their situations.
What shadow?!? Coverts don't help. They like misery.
There is another CZcams channel from a former therapist, and he claims that you should not go to a therapist who has children, especially young children, because nobody has enough emotionally availability for both clients and their own children. I'm starting to think he might be right because I have known several children of therapists, and none of them are well adjusted, like at all.
Please….the ads were such a distraction
We know, but we have no control over them.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm paying for CZcams Premium as I just can't stand all the interruptions and shouting ads
I think she needs to work on herself first before thinking about a relationship....
I feel this advice is too harsh and idealistic. I have seen people without any trauma make choices that are the opposite of what you said and be absolutely fine with the outcome and we are here expecting a traumatised hungry for crumbs person to have the highest level of self control and be straightlaced. I think its unfair to expect her to be so idealistic.
Having trauma is unfair and having trauma makes even the most trivial negative outcome feel ten times more painful than it would be for another person. Also, lots of people hide their pain very well so it might look like they are fine with an outcome when they are really not.
Physiotherapy to heal from physical trauma is hard and painful but it heals in the long run. If she takes these hard steps now to stop taking crumbs she will quickly get to a place where she will avoid people who give crumbs and find people who have real love to offer. One of those people is herself. Being traumatised leads us to think we aren't worthy and life is too hard for us to manage. Once we start to heal we see that it is not true and can even enjoy our own company.
I'm only partially healed and already I could recognise and get out of two situations that were potentially bad.
In fact, in one of the situations my actions to avoid the situation came so naturally I was unbelievably proud of myself. I work in a big organisation and a boss from another division gave me his personal cellphone number and made himself available to fast track a project I was working on. While we were interacting I found myself being impressed with and drawn to his demeanour, his work ethic, then his looks, even his telephone voice. One day I noticed the feelings might be mutual. At the time I didn't know for certain he was married but because of his age, looks, financial, and social status I know more than likely he had to be. I would never date a married person even at my lowest point but I could be limerent on them and that is just as bad. Because I want to heal and not cause more trauma to myself I took myself out of the situation. I befriended his assistant and worked with her to fast track my project instead. When he asked why I stayed away I told him I felt guilty having to rely on him. I also worked overtime to wrap the project up in record time. I don't have to interact with this man regularly so I plan to lay low until things fizzle out. Good thing I nipped any growing affection in the bud because it turns out he is married to and has a family with a younger woman who has admired me for years. She also works for our organisation so they kept the marriage private. Her surname never changed. If I had pursued anything with this man it would have been disastrous on not only my mental health but my career and reputation.
You can call it limerence as it was a delusional state of mind, I don't agree with it. True connection with all the people is our natural state of being, all the rest is perversion , diversion from love. Living in this times, where we are so far from the essential has brought us very far from true relationships( that are not just comfortable or uneasy). Relationships are the keys to unfold our self to the core -cuore in Italian, heart in english-. I would not dismiss our internal world as delusional, we are all searching for truth and compassion and when possible for a caress that can give us pleasure. Some paths are more mysterious than others but all of them carry a glimpse of divinity.
I believe we are all connected and seek connection as well Laura. However, all spiritual belief systems state that love is the highest thing and show us how to recognise it. In none of them is love something that degrades, steals, or destroys. In the presence of love you grow and your life and the lives of others is enriched. All our spiritual belief systems also teach us about delusions and how they can steal our view of reality.
The human mind is amazing. It can comfort us when we need it most. I have read of children who were so neglected they bonded with objects. This is their brains seeing the need for comfort and finding a way to get it. Political prisoners befriend roaches in their cells because the brain sees the need for comfort and the mind finds a way to provide it. The roach or the teddy bear are not capable of providing a warm loving relationship but the brain can whip up such a fantasy that the relationship is real and valuable to the person.
also, even on the spiritual path we have to keep discerning because we know the mind can get in the way of the truth. And when we see that the mind is in the way we have to use that same mind to get the mind out of the way. How wild is that?!
We want a true connection but because our minds are desperate for the connection we allow connections to grow that should not. When we were at our lowest we allowed connections with people who were little more than inanimate objects but in each ascension of our soul we make better and better connections. We don't need to steal love when it is all around us. We don't need to make little kids cry and feel hopeless to get our love. We don't need to make other women and men feel pain to get the love that's due to us. If this is our experience, it is not love. It is an illusion.
Fairy tales are fantasies and a rich way of learning and a way to feel anything is possible.
So limerance as a fairy tale is probably fine as long as we are clear about the lack of reality. The risk is real limerance gets confused with reality. It also prevents you from being available for a real relationship.
I think the only place for fantasy relationships is while you are growing and becoming ready for a relationship.
@@Alphacentauri819 yes I agree
I was trying to distinguish limerance from fairy tales. You are right limerance has enough physical reality to it that you are likely to be disturbing the other person as well as yourself because there is some reality no matter how little.
I never developed crushes on actors or inaccessible people. The most off putting part of that reality for me was the knowledge of the number of other people in the lives of famous people doing exactly the same thing:
I can’t think of any situation where limerance is safe or helpful.
I spent some time in a limerance relationship about 10 years ago. At the time I felt like it was a terrible addiction, but had no words to describe it, it felt like it took everything I had to break free of it. I am sure that I would not have started on it if I have the knowledge I have now. I find it extremely disturbing how the new age jargon and thinking about things like twin flames and karmic relationships creates a framework for those of us with CPTSD to continue crap fitting. So annoying and sad when crap fitting is exactly what we need to put behind us. My childhood was to be born into a cult which aided and abetted coercive control, devaluing of women and children and taught nothing about love that can be relied upon.
So true A was my best friend talked everyday five days a week after five years I was 18 years old but my mind was ten years old I was set back in age my whole life my mom was mentally sick but all my life never grew up till last year after always looking for A so true he’s 61 me 68 since your videos opened my eyes he couldn’t do I think he is a drinker someone told me I was surprised when I went to his house that night ten hours of talking loving but next morning it was over but then had a major surgery he called me after the ICU two days later said he loved me but I was quiet surprised didn’t say anything at all 😮but down the road family didn’t allow us we never had kides he never got married never had kides he’s a player done he admits it after that beautiful night one night one year talking on the phone texting came to my house to see how I lived for ten minutes I have a great town house he was surprised people poison his mind that I was living like trash he saw different I kissed him on the cheek never saw him again his family said I’m too old crazy stuff done your the best Anna thank you now not well have to take care of me no choice have to save me once again @ lorraineamicothemakeupartist
True uncomplicated all his relationships he just never got married he said he’s a player and likes it like that mixed singles he gives I need to be safe need to do the steps I never drink drugs him on the other hand he does all nuts thanks again I want a best friend first ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
❤️