Anna, since I started watching your videos about 4 months ago, I have: • gone to the dentist for the first time since I was 16 (25 now) • moved out of my mothers house into my own apartment • bought a decent car (I’ve been driving beaters for years) • broken up with a man I was very blindly in an unhealthy relationship with because I was finally able to be honest with myself that he wasn’t what I wanted and stopped making excuse after excuse for him •blocked ALL of my exes, whom I still had contact with even during my current relationship • gotten a raise and promotion at work I was telling one of my fiends about your videos and started listing these things and it hit me that SO much has changed and become possible for me, because of you. It’s like there was always this drive to heal and find this better version of myself I was destined to be, I just had no idea how to do it. Thank you thank you thank you. You are LIFE CHANGING
5min in, this is so painful to hear. What sex can do to a woman is scary, the losers we settle for… I pray for every woman who’s let in the wrong one, I know it’s hard.
Love this!!! I've had a man literally bugging me to "Come for a visit", for the last 5 years. I've told him from Day 1, that I'm not interested in a "Friends with Benefits" relationship. For the last year, he's acted like a friend and I finally agreed to let him come for a visit, as long as he behaved himself. He got here, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and we just started chatting. Shortly after he was here he started playing grab arse. I told him stop and behave himself twice, or he'd need to leave. He started up playing grab arse again and when I flat out asked him if he thought we were going to have sex when I let him come over, he said yes. I told him thanks for being honest. Then I took him by the hand and walked him to the door. He was all like "you really want me to leave?" 😂😂😂 I'm like "Yep! Good luck with your life." 😂😂😂 He was surprised that I asked him to leave less than an hour after he arrived. God it felt really good to say GOODBYE, SO LONG, FARE THEE WELL!!!
Way to go girl! I am very proud of you! I would've loved to see that man's face after you politely kicked him out of your house!!! I wish you a happy life!
@@rancho-relaxo-radio have to admit, it was pretty priceless. But.... 5 years ago, I probably would have just given in and had sex, just to get it done and over with on "future faking" for a possible relationship. Thanks to videos like this, Johnathon Ansley, Dr. Ramani, & Dr. C... I'm NOT the same person I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 20 years ago. I've learned, I do have rights. I do have a voice, and I am allowed to say "No", and back up my "No" with action.
~Good for you!!!~I had a similar situation a few months ago~I am also really glad that i did not give in, like i would have when i was younger!!!~It does feel good, huh?~
Yes, and I hope she reads this: Don't be alone when you tell him to leave your home. I have a feeling he could get violent. Protect yourself. Have someone supportive there when you break the news to him that he has to leave. I don't trust that guy. He seems very exploitative. People like this are very entitled, especially if they prey on younger people. He lacks respect and he lacks integrity. Please, be careful when you ask him to leave!
If you have to wonder if a man cares about you, he probably doesn't. Like the song says, "when a man loves a woman" you will know!! If you have analyze a man for hours, talk in percentages when analyzing the man, give ultimatums etc. RUN!! You will waste the most important thing- TIME!! You will kick yourself years from now if this man wastes more of your time if you struggle to have children, if you want them. Men like this need to be 100% cut off.
Well said ! Great wisdom here❤ That song came to my mind when I came out of my wishful thinking, knowing the man I was with was not in love with me ❤ We give so much of our time - the most valuable thing - because it also means an extended period of OUR LOVE ENERGY that needs to be given to ourselves FIRST ! Thanks sweetheart ❤❤❤
I had that phase. I held a series of meaningless thoughts like the more men you meet, the quickly you would be able to forget your exes, having sex and loving are two separate things bla bla. Please, that kind of reasoning ruined my mentality and morality. I tried to act tough and indifferent, thinking like a man that could separate emotional and physical ties but would often times end up traumatizing myself further, though deep down I have always known for sure shallow crappy situationships are not what I ever wanted. The only problem came inside me. Promiscuity is a symptom of inner trauma, not a cherry of sexual liberalization. It's not worth it. Face the demon. Save yourself, work on yourself and educate yourself to get out of that empty shell of self.
I think there's a subconscious fear that we, who were sevearly excluded at some point in our lives, at school and at home, are "unlovable". 'Couse, you know, they can't ALL be wrong. I think that's what makes us settle for so little. Love you, Anna 💛
@@ProtectedAndHappy I’m a high masking autist was able to function in a marriage excelled at church and in my community no hitch. I did it for 10 years and it only started to fall apart after giving birth 3 times. Then the nightmare (part2) started. We all have these stories. I can’t say who’s wrong who’s right, it’s immaterial because it’s nothing compared to knowing my true gifts and being able to share them with others being able to help myself in ways I looked for others to do. It’s ALWAYS a better fit when I fashion the shoes I want no longer having to “crapfit” in what others have designed for me. I always knew better but I didn’t have the confidence to believe it
Incredibly true. If so many women love me but don’t want to be WITH me then surely it’s for a reason. Breaking that narrative is really hard when you’re single.I’m in therapy now so hopefully I can change that.
It took me so long to realise that people who aren’t abusive can also be terrible. 3 years of being a ‘cool girl’ finally got to me and now I’m finally with someone who wants love and commitment, just like I do. Yes, the situationship gave me something to hold on to, but letting go was the only way to be truly happy. It was scary. But no matter how my current relationship goes, I know I made the right decision when I let go of someone who was okay with using me for sex and emotional labour without giving me the same thing in return.
Absolutly! I've just been trough to a similar thing and now I recover and heal my heart and make it a nice and cozy and loving space for the right one^^ that as well takes me to his nice cozy and loving heart💝💞
Yikes, like rubbing salt in a wound. My policy has always been zero contact of any kind from the second it breaks up. He basically falls off the planet, I don't know him. Period. It's called breaking up, not friending up, for a reason. Never could get my head around people I've known who chirp, 'oh, but we're still friends' after a breakup. Why are they clinging to a dead plant or a busted microwave that the new blood will have to trip over, deal with and navigate around. Terribly hurtful, unfair and inconsiderate.
Well done! I needed 3 month on f+ after breakup to be able to say no and offered him friendship. This fell apart 3 month later because I told him that he should stop thinking I lack selfesteem and it would end badly again. That always meant we would end up in bed again and he had to dissapoint me again. When I said he should stop think it because I don't want him more than being a friend to me because I want something real and not thus fucking half that only hurts. When I did he was very very hurt and pulled back from friendship compleatly. 0 contact and I think that's better because it really goes me in my nerves to be seen like that again and again. I just wanted to love him but its hard to love people that see things like that and even take advantage of people with lowselfesteem😬
I'm almost 70. It took 68 years before I saw a video lecture on TedTalks saying that during sex, women's bodies are flooded with oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Men's bodies are NOT; they only get a little. So after "casual" sex we hear women (including me) saying, "I just met him last night, I'm not sure I even LIKE him, but I THINK HE'S THE ONE! 🤪(cue starry, glazed eyes). Be clear on this: that's the oxytocin speaking. Women have evolved to bond; men have evolved to breed. This is also why rape survivors feel such shame. We can't block our hormones: the oxytocin flooding happens even during nonconsensual sex. How batshit must it be for a woman to feel herself bonding with her attacker! This information should be at the beginning of every sex ed class in the world. I numbed myself down for cold-blooded sexual exchanges in my youth with booze and weed. Now that I'm sober, I can't endure the profound loneliness empty sex brings. No wonder we don't fare well with "friends with benefits" (pick your euphemism). It's really only "marginal acquaintances with benefits." Friends do more than have sex. The dishonesty and denial in our culture is astounding.
This does potentially confirm a sad realization tho, that men will always want to have sex with more people while women would be fine with one person, and how that'll translate into constant pain for the woman that only wants one man while he always thinks she's not enough. How does one evade this trap? It always seems like a catch 22 with society and biology smh
No! No no no… humans are so much more than chemicals, and I will Never buy that talk about primordinal survival mechanisms. Sure, that may be part of it, but we are still masters of our bodies and fully responsible of all our actions.
I agree with Anna, except in the part where she says he's done nothing wrong. Well, no. He's been taking advantage of a young woman who doesn't know how to set boundaries; that's why he doesn't take the honorable path of moving out. I'd bet he's been leading Amy on and playing the crazy-making card to keep benefitting from her. This will sound harsh, but a hurt 20 yo is incredibly easy to manipulate, especially when you're almost twice their age. Still, at the end of the day, yes, Amy, if you're reading this, I can assure you this is not the best you'll ever get out of relationships, you're the only one with power to lead your life the way you want to. An please, don't "stay friends" with him, the way he has played with you is worth a full cut off.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but the mere fact that this man, who's pushing 50, thinks it's okay to get involved with an 18-20 year old tells me all I need to know about him. Any man with integrity would realize what a severe power imbalance that is.
I get what you're saying, and generally it's true. But it also depends on the individuals involved. Way back, I had a couple of good relationships with solid, successful, respectful, educated and interesting guys over twice my age. I was very early 20's, they were 45-50. I had a job, my own place, paid my own bills, we just enjoyed the relationship. I found I had little in common with guys my age. But, it was a different time.
@@sxwrtr918yes, it can be done in a healthy way, but only if both parties respect each other’s independence and autonomy. It sounds like you had very good boundaries with your older partners and even more importantly (because of the power dynamic of having more resources, stability, and life experience), they respected your boundaries.
@@Ann963 Thank you for your positive reply🙂. They were quality guys, even the one who lived very modestly (doing the acting thing but had a steady but flexible job) was classy, funny, educated. Took me out to nice places and was kind and considerate. Parted ways bc I didn't want to get married...to anyone...at that age.
Agreed!! I think his attraction to young girls speaks volumes in regards to his mental and emotional maturity level. She's a teenager for heaven's sake!! Her brain isn't even full developed yet. Judging by the way he is taking advantage of the first gal, I see a pattern here...I hardly think this is new behavior for this vagabond.
Please don't house any guy let alone a "potential partner." Men like him are called "hobo-secktuals" because they find desperate women and just suck their resources dry. Even if he says he loves you its likely because you are supporting him and its free rent and someone to adore him He's using you, hun.
I met someone who I consented to rent a room to in my house. He kept putting off paying me meanwhile furiously moving things in. I asked him and he kept saying “I got you! Don’t worry! I’m just tired I need space for a few days.” I confronted him after his first night sleeping in the room. He demanded I give him slack he’s tired but would pay me after I type up on the computer a formal agreement and threatened to appeal to the owner. I immediately froze with fear! I’m like “WHAT? MAKING DEMANDS WHEN YOU HAVENT PAID? I HAD TO MOVE MYSELF TWICE THIS SUMMER. DID ANYONE GIVE ME SLACK? NO! I separated myself and did some easy breathing and calm down. I gave him until a few days to remove his stuff but he had to get out immediately. He wanted to discuss it peacefully but I couldn’t believe him all the while witnessing red flags with absolute certainty and horror. I admit it was a swift surgical move and I had wobbly guilt on and off later on. But it’s a success compared to the misery I’d be living in with someone so self entitled and lazy!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks 🙏 it only took 44 months of studying and daily practice ccf style to get here…I can’t thank you and everyone in the ccf community ❤️💕enough
I have recently ended a 2,5 year relationship with someone who didn't want to declare anything, who avoided "progress" topics, didn't want to make plans or visit. At the same time he would contact me multiple times during a day and engage in my life stuff. I was confused, thought he was shy. But as you said - a shy person would be happy I named things! I refused sex and I suppose that's when it "failed". He would have used the opportunity but offered nothing. I'm glad I refused. Friends with benefits only means one person is interested and the other one is used. If we feel empty and frustrated, we better listen to the gut feeling.
Your hair looks really good in this video. Ever since I had brain surgery, I have decided to tell people what I think is pretty and attractive about them.😊 I'm going on 18 years single due to my child trauma. Since my surgery, I have decided to get myself well and then work on friends and then love thanks to you.😊
As soon as I heard the bit where he said "Call it whatever you want." I translated that to REALLY mean "Call it whatever you want, to keep you giving me what I want." and that means he is using you girl! I have been there too- lots of childhood trauma (score at least a 9 on the ACE) so I KNOW how much you want to bond... I have done some healing- lots more to go and we never will heal to the point that we would have been had we never had the trauma to begin with- but we can heal to the point where we can have GOOD relationships and a good life, despite the trauma. Take the advice that CCF is giving- this is GREAT advice! My heart goes out to you. I wish that CCF had a channel when I was in a not-great relationship with a guy that was incapable of giving back any emotional anything.
"Men will treat you according to what they are used to getting away with". After hearing this quote, I immediately wrote it down and put it on my corkboard. My lack of boundaries have made me a magnet for these types of men. The last serious relationship I was in ended over 4 years ago, and I've had 2 men show interest in me since then, that I've given into. With both, I hooked up with them without asking what they wanted out of the relationship. The first one, I asked if we were together after having sex one night, and he replied with "kind of a weird time to ask that question." I ended up just ghosting him because he would talk to me like I didn't know anything (or that he has some sort of great wisdom...) and I was doing all the giving. The second one kept talking about "being honest even though it could ruin the relationship" but never told me what that was before we had sex. After a couple of times, I asked if he was interested in dating and he then revealed that he was still in love with his ex. We hooked up once more, but I had too much to drink and got sick at his place, and at that point he told me he didn't want to continue. Then when I saw him in public a few weeks later he was offended that I wasn't friendly towards him! This guy was also in his late 40's. I blame myself for letting these men in my life and giving them access to my body. I genuinely have no interest in dating now, and I feel like I can't trust men due to my experiences. I know there are good ones out there, but I honestly don't even feel like trying to find them. I love living alone with my bunnies! Too many people have been dishonest with me and just used me for their benefit, and then don't understand why I leave. I don't trust my reflexes because I've had a strong fawn response for a very long time, and I have moments where I want to speak up for myself, but physically am frozen. I briefly dated this one guy who had 2 kids 10 years ago; he wanted to move in together and after thinking about it, I told him no. He replied with "you're kinda screwing me over." He lived with his mom, who would watch his young kids while he hid away at my apartment. I definitely dodged a bullet with that one! Thank you so much for your videos. I have a wonderful therapist that I talk to about my life, and your work is a wonderful supplement to that.
Amy this situation breaks my heart. You have so much to offer and you deserve so much more! I too have to tried to negotiate emotional payback. It never works out. Dude’s gotta go. Hugs to you, stay strong! ❤
He's just using her for a place to stay, easy sex with no real emotional investment. Does she even see that he's basically a carbon-copy of her dad, who is emotionally absent?
If he's in his late 40's he will probably never change....and why would he even want to?? He uses women to meet his needs. Very familiar with "user-mentality"
You deserve better Amy! I hope you feel better soon. The abandonment milange may be the most painful thing you go through - emotions so heavy they physically hurt. But I believe in you! The key is just to stop thinking about him. It's tricky and takes practice, but I know you can do it! ✨️💕
I remember giving an ultimatum to a man who had already broken up with me and told me he did not want a relationship with me. I cringe at how blind I was to the fact that there is no negotiating with somebody who wants nothing from you. Sometimes when I remember it makes me feel stupid but then I tell myself I'm not stupid because I did learn my lesson and I will never make that mistake again. It's just crazy when I look back at how my brain could even work that way at one point.
Yes, sweep the dysfunctional yucky feeling connections out and the lovely, caring recovery friends in. The ones who have appropriate vulnerability and boundaries that feel safe for you too!
Intelligence, talents, pursuit of a happy and healthy life, means little to men. Youth, money and sex is usually everything, no matter whether he is educated, a professional or wealthy. Getting upset over your partner's intimate behavior is a waste of your precious time. That is what I learned. I am 80.
To writer: get out completely. He's likely a narcissist looking for easy supply ! I've been there & now realize the patterns developed from childhood come from our parents lowering our self worth we are unaware we internalize this There's no real friendship going on . I walked into this fire & he was a narcissist who manipulated me for years tossing a few breadcrumbs while i exhaustively shelled out loaves & loaves ! Trust Anna knows what she's talking & advising about. Sending you love & light with healing intention 💖🙏🏼😇🎶🌠🕊️💫
I had a friends with benefits and we were so chill with each other. One day he calls me and says he can never see me, speak to me, must completely block me on his phone and all social media. I was shocked because we were buddies and asked why? He said he met someone special and thinks she’s “the one” I asked why pretend we’re complete strangers…? He told me he was just using me for easy sex because he was tired of masterbating and being lonely, sex with me was just a distraction while he was waiting for the real deal to show up in his life. I asked if he’s planning to use her for sex like he did me and he said “no she’s too special for that, I haven’t even kissed her yet “ 😭
It's weird hearing this stories. Partly because I've had similar thought patterns & partly because when it is laid out... it sounds insane. The only reason I didn't end up in this situation was because of boundaries & a strong sense of expectations. 1) No, unless we are married you can not live with me 2) No, I have zero interest in helping you out. Clean up your mess. You are not bringing that mess into my life 3) Your in your late 40s and you are still dating casually? Unless the next words out of your mouth are "dead wife" Im not interested 4) You don't meant my standards, get out. My life, my rules. I am not here to fix, improve, or develop you I've had those delusions and emotional dysregulation. However, my ironclad standards and rules prevented situations like this from developing because I enforce them REGARDLESS of what I want or how I feel.
@@seriouscat2231 No I meant dead. I did mean meet though. Late 40s = Your personality/mind/worldview are what they are. The only reason a man in his late 40s is dating casually is because that's all he wants. The only exception: Recently dead wife
Lack of boundaries really goes both ways, isn't it. People tend to have the dominant direction, e.g. either being pushovers, or bullies, but wait enough time, and you'll see both sides in the same person. We need to know where boundaries are to both hold and respect them.
I hope Amy isn't still living with him. The man is too old to be using her for a home to stay in and he's basically keeping her on her toes with the hope of they are friends and maybe one day something more. He knows she likes him romantically which is why he's so easily using her. He needs to get out of her life entirely and she has to do it, kick him out. Hope is the last thing to die. It isn't worth your time or energy. Also she won't ever meet a decent man with this 40+ year old man living with her. A decent man will run. Don't feel sorry for him. He's an adult and fully capable, send him off to the teenager. Let her be responsible for him! You are responsible for you, and you need to put yourself first. It isn't mean or selfish it is what you deserve.
Amazing how easy is to see what's really going on with others but when it comes to us, our situation it's very hard to see things/ people for what it is😮 self guessing, attachment cloud our thinking.
Hi Anna, I'm new to your channel and thank you for shedding light on what limerence is. For the past 2 years, I've been diving into mental health and healing. I've got the tools and private coaching that I need. Yet, your podcast makes me aware that I still react on my limerence tendency when it comes to romance. You help me to discover some blindspots and help me to release it. I appreciate real stories that you share here. Looking forward to see your next videos and insights.
At 40 he should have his life together and his own place. He wants another woman, and you are still servicing him. He has his cake and eating it to. Been there done that, so know that this is just a bad situation. Get out, do something positive for yourself.
I feel this so deeply with my ex. It’s been a constant back-and-forth since we broke up. He would, and continues to, say things like he wants to try again but needs to “let go.” It’s exhausting, confusing, manipulative and hurts me and my self-esteem levels are catastrophic at this point. There is a lot of love there, so much love that we cultivated together over time. His ending of the relationship seemed so impulsive to me, and a result of his own trauma, sending me into a paralyzing pit of what you refer to as abandonment melange and shock. I don’t view him as cruel or evil, I think he’s a very damaged person who wants to heal very desperately, but is isolating as a way to free himself from really having to heal through a loving relationship. I don’t see him doing all of this as a way to intentionally manipulate, but as a way to protect himself from being triggered by normal conflict that can occur in a relationship. I’m heartbroken, lost, and have been binge watching yours and Tim Fletcher’s videos to gain a better understanding of how to love someone with CPTSD and to love myself, a fellow victim of abuse.
Hi, Anna, I kindly ask and wish for more videos on how to change career which will lead to the realisation of our authentic selves, where we will meet and work with people who won't anyhow abuse us, or belittle, or reject our bright ideas. Kind of a step by step video (since it may be difficult for some of us to immediately become entrepreneurs) how to continue improving the career and work life while working on our healing and self regulation ❤ Currently, due to my meditation and following your videos, my personal love life has improved a lot, but I feel how my toxic work environment doesn't support my whole system and hinders the healing. I want to unlock the blocks there too . Sincerely yours
@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much for what you've done so far. Not a single week has passed for me without hearing your wise words on this channel, your voice carries so much love, care and hope, whenever I feel lost I come back to this channel where love and healing take place. Thank you !
18 year age gap is really pushing the limits. I'm not going to say with absolution that it's never possible this would work, but it's pretty unlikely. A man in his late 40s going to a 20 something for anything sexual or emotionally connective is a huge red flag for his immaturity. I'm in my late 30s and I feel very weird about going for the majority of 20 something girls, the maturity and generational identity gaps are just too great in most cases. I have found two out of many 20 somethings expressing interest in me that I would feel comfortable with over the past few years, none of which I acted on for reasons not having anything to do with their age. Just be very careful Amy. You should not have to be this grown-ass man's rescuer.
Thankyou Ouch, ouch ! At least facing reality is in the long term good and I know what I'm dealing with now. My delusion is now decreasing though my heart will understandably lag. As a male not much choice here in the outback though. Can still love healthily but I need to be realistic and will listen to the covert signs, avoidant non answers and have strong consistent boundaries. Thx again
Yikes. Ive certainly been here before! The only thing i would add would be too check local laws bc in some states if he had received mail then hes a tenant and gets 30 days to vacate 😮 otherwise an illegal eviction!!
FWB only works if both people want that and there's been an upfront honest discussion about that being what it is, plus an agreement to let each other know if any feelings/strings/expectations pop up. Kick that hobosexual man out!
My ex-girlfriend repeatedly tried to get me to meet her only for sex after she broke up with me. When I declined and told her again and again that I wanted a relationship she tried to paint me as prudish and made fun of me. It's not only men that do this.
Oh, that one was harsh. Sure she should kick him out, and sure he aint her friend, but implying that she got what she agreed on… What’s wrong with good old fashion gentlemanship? I am 55 (man) and although I have not been a saint, there have always been unwritten rules that apply regardless of what specific words that happen to have been said…
Because, in this case, she HAS gotten what she agreed on. The reason he's in her home is because she invited him to be there. This man is undoubtedly a louse but she can't control him or his behavior, she can only control herself and her own behavior. She needs to wake up to that and take control before she wastes years of her life on this loser ....sure it would be a better world if we could depend on other people to treat us honorably but, unfortunately, that is not the case and there are scores of people out there that will take advantage of anyone who lets them...
For 7 months I had a online “romantic relationship” that involved sexting. She and I are both limerence, we wanted the desire of a healthy relationship that quickly became toxic. I realized I was very manipulative towards her. And she was emotionally unavailable. I’m 36 woman and she is 19. It made me feel terrible then again she still thinks I am a amazing person. I felt she shouldn’t put me on a pedestal because I was just seeking attention more than I wanted to admit. She broke it off and I accepted it because I wanted her to do it because I kept coming back. We kept having a on and off relationship…you have to let that go
This old, but immature selfish man is totally using the letter-writer for free rent and free sex. He obviously does not want anything real... total user! This poor broken woman is completely blind to this... so so sad! My own friends have told me to leave my marriage, yet I could also see the harmful behaviors. The negative behaviors eventually outweighed any positive ones and now I'm divorcing him and insisted he move out. It's eye-opening to see how clear my eyesight is when I am not in the bad relationship... I see 100% clear for this letter-writer's blindness... buy kept my rosy glasses on as long as I could tolerate ot for my own bad relationship. I hope she reads our comments!
I predict that he will try to talk Amy into letting him stay. I hope she will memorize one sentence like “ this is not working out. You have to leave right now”. Then just repeat it no matter what he says until he leaves.
I'm not an expert, and I certainly do not want to be judgemental or offensive, but I would seriously suggest Amy that she'd see a mental health professional. This letter - for mee - reeks of BPD (on Amy's part, the guy is just taking advantage of her IMO). The girl needs help, and now. That help is available, is attainable, healing is absolutely possible. I wish her all the best from the bottom of my heart.
Yes, he is using her. But is she also using him in a sense that she is allowing him to stay so that she can get some slight comfort ? Does her having that appartment and lettig him stay give her a sense of control over the "relationship" ?
I have the opposite problem I’m in love with 2 guys who love me dearly…..but they don’t want to have sex with me. I have the strings but not the benefits! I need ALL of it!
No one has ever romantically loved me. I can have high standards and no man will want me. I'm approaching my mid 50s never married. My dad was never apart of my family. So I never saw how a couple is supposed to act. I am fear avoidant and settles for an occasional sex partner. I'll try making friends and not having sex. And only have sex when someone loves me. but I have to emphasize no one has ever loved me romantically.
She can take some blame too. She should develop some morals and values and boundaries are always born out of that. But what she did was move a old dweeb in thinking he’d be a father figure and just love her for being younger. Narcissism’. How do you punish a dog by throwing a steak at him?
I have a friend with benefits but the problem is she asking for way too much money 4 dumb things for example she has $20 for lunch when she was at work then she wanted to get her nails done every week while she's 3 months behind rent I tried coaching her to help her manage her money better but nothing is working so far is really stressing me out I'm about to call it quits and the sex is not that good because i do all the work including massaging her. So should I try to keep talking to her or just let her go?
I am asexual gender fluid and pansexual, every relationship I have had only open relationships or just hookups, it is the only thing that works really as I am also DID I know I can’t control my alters so when I have been in stable relationships it’s never really “love” I never understood why until the last year when I came out as trans as in my research I found the asexual term and gray-a so now I understand why love isn’t open to me. I am okay with it, I have learned to not tell doctor’s already about the asexual part as then I get looked at strange when I need STI bloodwork because they all think that asexuals are not sexually active and while yes it does happen but it’s not a rule and I still do enjoy some sexual activities. But things are needed with things like friends with benefits but I would not choose someone from my friends network. I always use dating apps or something because I just see my friends like that or would I wish to risks to the relationship already established. Yes being childhood abuse does sometimes effect the things I would be willing to do, but being me I just work within my boundaries and most partners are okay with this aspects of things. Plus I do disclose all that at the start before we meet or they become attached or whatever they “feel”
The irony is for every woman who is FWB, there’s a nice guy somewhere who would probably love you and marry you but he isn’t 666 so you won’t give him a chance. Not my problem; I’m 7/6/5’10” and happily married with three grown children.
Um no, just stop. No woman has passed up a perfect guy because he wasn't tall. And no, women are not passing up "nice" guys. Women are passing up needy, clingy, insecure, unstable and creepy guys who play victim by telling the world he's doesn't know why he gets passed up when he's so "nice." Men can obviously be broke, gross and half dead and women will fall for them. Like the homeless 40 year old loser in her letter. But men want to give bare minimum and expect barely legal instagram models to play wife for them. Take that garbage rhetoric to the red pill community and go stroke those guys egos.
It’s not about 666... it’s about who we’re wired to be attracted to and bond with based on what our relationship with our parents was like. 666 and the like are such an empty and superficial way of thinking about attraction, I’ve never understood that... to me attraction is much more about finding an interlocking energy than about any physical appearance or attribute...
Anna, since I started watching your videos about 4 months ago, I have:
• gone to the dentist for the first time since I was 16 (25 now)
• moved out of my mothers house into my own apartment
• bought a decent car (I’ve been driving beaters for years)
• broken up with a man I was very blindly in an unhealthy relationship with because I was finally able to be honest with myself that he wasn’t what I wanted and stopped making excuse after excuse for him
•blocked ALL of my exes, whom I still had contact with even during my current relationship
• gotten a raise and promotion at work
I was telling one of my fiends about your videos and started listing these things and it hit me that SO much has changed and become possible for me, because of you. It’s like there was always this drive to heal and find this better version of myself I was destined to be, I just had no idea how to do it.
Thank you thank you thank you. You are LIFE CHANGING
That's amazing..this girl is on fire! I'm not only impressed but inspired as well, thank you for sharing.
I'm proud of you, well done!
Maryanne, is making moves! Awesome 😎
Be blessed 🙌🙌 that you accepted and changed
i'm waiting to get prescribed Adderall so i can have the dopamine to get to a dentist.
Late 40's man who has no place to live is a red flag already.
Even a late 30s or early 40s man..
I know, right? He sounds like a loser.
Yes. Big time!
I was waiting for someone to point this out!
5min in, this is so painful to hear. What sex can do to a woman is scary, the losers we settle for… I pray for every woman who’s let in the wrong one, I know it’s hard.
Yeah... Girls and women with C-PTSD settle for crumbs, and exploitative dudes know this and take advantage of it!
Not "sex", you're talking about sex addiction.
@@LSMH528HzNope, love addiction.
There's a reason we Christians say to control yourself. It never ends well
especially after hearing that he's in his 40s 😳
Love this!!! I've had a man literally bugging me to "Come for a visit", for the last 5 years. I've told him from Day 1, that I'm not interested in a "Friends with Benefits" relationship. For the last year, he's acted like a friend and I finally agreed to let him come for a visit, as long as he behaved himself.
He got here, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and we just started chatting. Shortly after he was here he started playing grab arse. I told him stop and behave himself twice, or he'd need to leave. He started up playing grab arse again and when I flat out asked him if he thought we were going to have sex when I let him come over, he said yes.
I told him thanks for being honest. Then I took him by the hand and walked him to the door.
He was all like "you really want me to leave?"
😂😂😂
I'm like "Yep! Good luck with your life."
😂😂😂
He was surprised that I asked him to leave less than an hour after he arrived.
God it felt really good to say GOODBYE, SO LONG, FARE THEE WELL!!!
Way to go girl! I am very proud of you! I would've loved to see that man's face after you politely kicked him out of your house!!! I wish you a happy life!
LOVE this! Good for you!
@@rancho-relaxo-radio have to admit, it was pretty priceless. But.... 5 years ago, I probably would have just given in and had sex, just to get it done and over with on "future faking" for a possible relationship.
Thanks to videos like this, Johnathon Ansley, Dr. Ramani, & Dr. C... I'm NOT the same person I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 20 years ago.
I've learned, I do have rights. I do have a voice, and I am allowed to say "No", and back up my "No" with action.
~Good for you!!!~I had a similar situation a few months ago~I am also really glad that i did not give in, like i would have when i was younger!!!~It does feel good, huh?~
I'm so proud of all of you ! & those encouraging same. I'll remember this when I'm ready to socialize with men again 😊🙏🏼😇
I so dearly hope that Amy realizes that this is no friend just someone who parasitizes her and that she firmly invites him to leave her life
Yes, and I hope she reads this: Don't be alone when you tell him to leave your home. I have a feeling he could get violent. Protect yourself. Have someone supportive there when you break the news to him that he has to leave. I don't trust that guy. He seems very exploitative. People like this are very entitled, especially if they prey on younger people. He lacks respect and he lacks integrity. Please, be careful when you ask him to leave!
This guy is the worst!!
If you have to wonder if a man cares about you, he probably doesn't. Like the song says, "when a man loves a woman" you will know!! If you have analyze a man for hours, talk in percentages when analyzing the man, give ultimatums etc. RUN!! You will waste the most important thing- TIME!! You will kick yourself years from now if this man wastes more of your time if you struggle to have children, if you want them. Men like this need to be 100% cut off.
Well said ! Great wisdom here❤
That song came to my mind when I came out of my wishful thinking, knowing the man I was with was not in love with me ❤ We give so much of our time - the most valuable thing - because it also means an extended period of OUR LOVE ENERGY that needs to be given to ourselves FIRST ! Thanks sweetheart ❤❤❤
Thanks for the list of qualities Anna❤❤❤
Friends with benefits is not an actual friend. Don't settle!!
I had that phase. I held a series of meaningless thoughts like the more men you meet, the quickly you would be able to forget your exes, having sex and loving are two separate things bla bla. Please, that kind of reasoning ruined my mentality and morality. I tried to act tough and indifferent, thinking like a man that could separate emotional and physical ties but would often times end up traumatizing myself further, though deep down I have always known for sure shallow crappy situationships are not what I ever wanted. The only problem came inside me. Promiscuity is a symptom of inner trauma, not a cherry of sexual liberalization. It's not worth it.
Face the demon. Save yourself, work on yourself and educate yourself to get out of that empty shell of self.
Preach!
Amen and exactly what I went through.
I'm screen-shotting this❤
I relate so much and agree. ❤
This!
I think there's a subconscious fear that we, who were sevearly excluded at some point in our lives, at school and at home, are "unlovable". 'Couse, you know, they can't ALL be wrong. I think that's what makes us settle for so little.
Love you, Anna 💛
THEY ARE ALL WRONG
Well said and fell into this too much in my life.
@@ProtectedAndHappy I’m a high masking autist was able to function in a marriage excelled at church and in my community no hitch. I did it for 10 years and it only started to fall apart after giving birth 3 times. Then the nightmare (part2) started. We all have these stories. I can’t say who’s wrong who’s right, it’s immaterial because it’s nothing compared to knowing my true gifts and being able to share them with others being able to help myself in ways I looked for others to do. It’s ALWAYS a better fit when I fashion the shoes I want no longer having to “crapfit” in what others have designed for me. I always knew better but I didn’t have the confidence to believe it
Incredibly true. If so many women love me but don’t want to be WITH me then surely it’s for a reason. Breaking that narrative is really hard when you’re single.I’m in therapy now so hopefully I can change that.
It took me so long to realise that people who aren’t abusive can also be terrible. 3 years of being a ‘cool girl’ finally got to me and now I’m finally with someone who wants love and commitment, just like I do. Yes, the situationship gave me something to hold on to, but letting go was the only way to be truly happy. It was scary. But no matter how my current relationship goes, I know I made the right decision when I let go of someone who was okay with using me for sex and emotional labour without giving me the same thing in return.
Absolutly! I've just been trough to a similar thing and now I recover and heal my heart and make it a nice and cozy and loving space for the right one^^ that as well takes me to his nice cozy and loving heart💝💞
"Okay with using me for sex and emotional labour without giving me the same thing in return" IS abuse, even if unintentional. Glad you got out ❤
I did friends with benefits for 3 years with my 2nd Ex-BF and it started 3 weeks after he broke up with me. Dumbest decision of my life!!!😭😭😭😭
Yikes, like rubbing salt in a wound. My policy has always been zero contact of any kind from the second it breaks up. He basically falls off the planet, I don't know him. Period. It's called breaking up, not friending up, for a reason. Never could get my head around people I've known who chirp, 'oh, but we're still friends' after a breakup. Why are they clinging to a dead plant or a busted microwave that the new blood will have to trip over, deal with and navigate around. Terribly hurtful, unfair and inconsiderate.
my ex wanted this situation and I refused. He was disappointed because he thought my self esteem was so low I would accept it😢
Well done! I needed 3 month on f+ after breakup to be able to say no and offered him friendship. This fell apart 3 month later because I told him that he should stop thinking I lack selfesteem and it would end badly again. That always meant we would end up in bed again and he had to dissapoint me again. When I said he should stop think it because I don't want him more than being a friend to me because I want something real and not thus fucking half that only hurts. When I did he was very very hurt and pulled back from friendship compleatly. 0 contact and I think that's better because it really goes me in my nerves to be seen like that again and again. I just wanted to love him but its hard to love people that see things like that and even take advantage of people with lowselfesteem😬
I'm almost 70. It took 68 years before I saw a video lecture on TedTalks saying that during sex, women's bodies are flooded with oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Men's bodies are NOT; they only get a little. So after "casual" sex we hear women (including me) saying, "I just met him last night, I'm not sure I even LIKE him, but I THINK HE'S THE ONE! 🤪(cue starry, glazed eyes). Be clear on this: that's the oxytocin speaking. Women have evolved to bond; men have evolved to breed. This is also why rape survivors feel such shame. We can't block our hormones: the oxytocin flooding happens even during nonconsensual sex. How batshit must it be for a woman to feel herself bonding with her attacker! This information should be at the beginning of every sex ed class in the world. I numbed myself down for cold-blooded sexual exchanges in my youth with booze and weed. Now that I'm sober, I can't endure the profound loneliness empty sex brings. No wonder we don't fare well with "friends with benefits" (pick your euphemism). It's really only "marginal acquaintances with benefits." Friends do more than have sex. The dishonesty and denial in our culture is astounding.
I would say not only are they not friends, but there are no benefits!!
Exactly.@@buddyneher9359
This does potentially confirm a sad realization tho, that men will always want to have sex with more people while women would be fine with one person, and how that'll translate into constant pain for the woman that only wants one man while he always thinks she's not enough. How does one evade this trap? It always seems like a catch 22 with society and biology smh
Thank you for sharing this! I would love to hear more if this information get into the school system for sure
No! No no no… humans are so much more than chemicals, and I will Never buy that talk about primordinal survival mechanisms. Sure, that may be part of it, but we are still masters of our bodies and fully responsible of all our actions.
I agree with Anna, except in the part where she says he's done nothing wrong. Well, no. He's been taking advantage of a young woman who doesn't know how to set boundaries; that's why he doesn't take the honorable path of moving out. I'd bet he's been leading Amy on and playing the crazy-making card to keep benefitting from her. This will sound harsh, but a hurt 20 yo is incredibly easy to manipulate, especially when you're almost twice their age.
Still, at the end of the day, yes, Amy, if you're reading this, I can assure you this is not the best you'll ever get out of relationships, you're the only one with power to lead your life the way you want to. An please, don't "stay friends" with him, the way he has played with you is worth a full cut off.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but the mere fact that this man, who's pushing 50, thinks it's okay to get involved with an 18-20 year old tells me all I need to know about him. Any man with integrity would realize what a severe power imbalance that is.
I know she’s barely legal.
I get what you're saying, and generally it's true. But it also depends on the individuals involved. Way back, I had a couple of good relationships with solid, successful, respectful, educated and interesting guys over twice my age. I was very early 20's, they were 45-50. I had a job, my own place, paid my own bills, we just enjoyed the relationship. I found I had little in common with guys my age. But, it was a different time.
@@sxwrtr918yes, it can be done in a healthy way, but only if both parties respect each other’s independence and autonomy. It sounds like you had very good boundaries with your older partners and even more importantly (because of the power dynamic of having more resources, stability, and life experience), they respected your boundaries.
@@Ann963
Thank you for your positive reply🙂. They were quality guys, even the one who lived very modestly (doing the acting thing but had a steady but flexible job) was classy, funny, educated. Took me out to nice places and was kind and considerate. Parted ways bc I didn't want to get married...to anyone...at that age.
Agreed!! I think his attraction to young girls speaks volumes in regards to his mental and emotional maturity level. She's a teenager for heaven's sake!! Her brain isn't even full developed yet. Judging by the way he is taking advantage of the first gal, I see a pattern here...I hardly think this is new behavior for this vagabond.
Please don't house any guy let alone a "potential partner." Men like him are called "hobo-secktuals" because they find desperate women and just suck their resources dry. Even if he says he loves you its likely because you are supporting him and its free rent and someone to adore him
He's using you, hun.
Hobo-secktuals. That's a great one😆
He should live in his own place. It is unseemly to move into the woman’s place. When it’s time she can move in with him or get a place together.
@@gregpendrey6711
Yes, in a lot of cases. But this loser, no way!. Dude's gotta go.
I met someone who I consented to rent a room to in my house. He kept putting off paying me meanwhile furiously moving things in. I asked him and he kept saying “I got you! Don’t worry! I’m just tired I need space for a few days.” I confronted him after his first night sleeping in the room. He demanded I give him slack he’s tired but would pay me after I type up on the computer a formal agreement and threatened to appeal to the owner. I immediately froze with fear! I’m like “WHAT? MAKING DEMANDS WHEN YOU HAVENT PAID? I HAD TO MOVE MYSELF TWICE THIS SUMMER. DID ANYONE GIVE ME SLACK? NO!
I separated myself and did some easy breathing and calm down. I gave him until a few days to remove his stuff but he had to get out immediately. He wanted to discuss it peacefully but I couldn’t believe him all the while witnessing red flags with absolute certainty and horror.
I admit it was a swift surgical move and I had wobbly guilt on and off later on. But it’s a success compared to the misery I’d be living in with someone so self entitled and lazy!
New behavior for me. Could’ve been more graceful but I knew it was wrong
Surgical is the only option in a situation like that! Good job.
MY RED FLAG DETECTOR IS WORKING FINALLY! PROBABLY FOR THE FIRST TIME!! Thanks fairy 🧚
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks 🙏 it only took 44 months of studying and daily practice ccf style to get here…I can’t thank you and everyone in the ccf community ❤️💕enough
Good job
I have recently ended a 2,5 year relationship with someone who didn't want to declare anything, who avoided "progress" topics, didn't want to make plans or visit. At the same time he would contact me multiple times during a day and engage in my life stuff. I was confused, thought he was shy. But as you said - a shy person would be happy I named things!
I refused sex and I suppose that's when it "failed". He would have used the opportunity but offered nothing. I'm glad I refused. Friends with benefits only means one person is interested and the other one is used.
If we feel empty and frustrated, we better listen to the gut feeling.
Your hair looks really good in this video. Ever since I had brain surgery, I have decided to tell people what I think is pretty and attractive about them.😊
I'm going on 18 years single due to my child trauma. Since my surgery, I have decided to get myself well and then work on friends and then love thanks to you.😊
❤
As soon as I heard the bit where he said "Call it whatever you want." I translated that to REALLY mean "Call it whatever you want, to keep you giving me what I want." and that means he is using you girl! I have been there too- lots of childhood trauma (score at least a 9 on the ACE) so I KNOW how much you want to bond... I have done some healing- lots more to go and we never will heal to the point that we would have been had we never had the trauma to begin with- but we can heal to the point where we can have GOOD relationships and a good life, despite the trauma. Take the advice that CCF is giving- this is GREAT advice! My heart goes out to you. I wish that CCF had a channel when I was in a not-great relationship with a guy that was incapable of giving back any emotional anything.
"Men will treat you according to what they are used to getting away with". After hearing this quote, I immediately wrote it down and put it on my corkboard.
My lack of boundaries have made me a magnet for these types of men. The last serious relationship I was in ended over 4 years ago, and I've had 2 men show interest in me since then, that I've given into. With both, I hooked up with them without asking what they wanted out of the relationship. The first one, I asked if we were together after having sex one night, and he replied with "kind of a weird time to ask that question." I ended up just ghosting him because he would talk to me like I didn't know anything (or that he has some sort of great wisdom...) and I was doing all the giving. The second one kept talking about "being honest even though it could ruin the relationship" but never told me what that was before we had sex. After a couple of times, I asked if he was interested in dating and he then revealed that he was still in love with his ex. We hooked up once more, but I had too much to drink and got sick at his place, and at that point he told me he didn't want to continue. Then when I saw him in public a few weeks later he was offended that I wasn't friendly towards him! This guy was also in his late 40's.
I blame myself for letting these men in my life and giving them access to my body. I genuinely have no interest in dating now, and I feel like I can't trust men due to my experiences. I know there are good ones out there, but I honestly don't even feel like trying to find them. I love living alone with my bunnies! Too many people have been dishonest with me and just used me for their benefit, and then don't understand why I leave. I don't trust my reflexes because I've had a strong fawn response for a very long time, and I have moments where I want to speak up for myself, but physically am frozen.
I briefly dated this one guy who had 2 kids 10 years ago; he wanted to move in together and after thinking about it, I told him no. He replied with "you're kinda screwing me over." He lived with his mom, who would watch his young kids while he hid away at my apartment. I definitely dodged a bullet with that one!
Thank you so much for your videos. I have a wonderful therapist that I talk to about my life, and your work is a wonderful supplement to that.
Thank you for sharing your experience. We're glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Yikes, good on you for dodging that last guy that had the gall to put it on you to be his babysitter and solution to his manchild problems.
After 3 years of doing this i realized i was being used and he had no respect for me. Dumped him then and there.
Been there and it ended in complete disappointment and rejection. It took a long time to wake up. Years. I will never go thru that again. I hope!!
"and now you're trying to negotiate some emotional payback".... That's some tough, but much needed, love!
I loved that line, too.
When she kicks him out and he has no place to go, his other girlfriend is going to kick him to the curb also.😂
Och, poor kid's being used.
I believe the only people that can maintain or desire “friends with benefits” are emotionally damaged people and it is very unhealthy in my opinion
Yes they are and their so called friends realise that and move in like a predator to use that person.
Described my dead husband... left him 20 years ago praise Jesus... never be more blessed and joyful.
Amy this situation breaks my heart. You have so much to offer and you deserve so much more! I too have to tried to negotiate emotional payback. It never works out. Dude’s gotta go. Hugs to you, stay strong! ❤
Amy, whatever you do, DO NOT have a child with this man. Speaking from experience
You are so gifted at untangling a mess. You are kind and empathetic,but speak the truth with love.
People who leech like this can be so manipulative. It’s hard to kick them out. But it’s worth it.
Older men want a nurse with a purse. An old man told me that😂😊
Our world is so sad
He's just using her for a place to stay, easy sex with no real emotional investment. Does she even see that he's basically a carbon-copy of her dad, who is emotionally absent?
If he's in his late 40's he will probably never change....and why would he even want to?? He uses women to meet his needs. Very familiar with "user-mentality"
Been there.
I had to go cold turkey in the end. It was harming me too much.
Kick him out, this is NOT your role to fix his housing‼️‼️‼️‼️
You deserve better Amy!
I hope you feel better soon. The abandonment milange may be the most painful thing you go through - emotions so heavy they physically hurt. But I believe in you! The key is just to stop thinking about him. It's tricky and takes practice, but I know you can do it! ✨️💕
Thank you for sharing these words of encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I remember giving an ultimatum to a man who had already broken up with me and told me he did not want a relationship with me. I cringe at how blind I was to the fact that there is no negotiating with somebody who wants nothing from you. Sometimes when I remember it makes me feel stupid but then I tell myself I'm not stupid because I did learn my lesson and I will never make that mistake again. It's just crazy when I look back at how my brain could even work that way at one point.
Yes, sweep the dysfunctional yucky feeling connections out and the lovely, caring recovery friends in. The ones who have appropriate vulnerability and boundaries that feel safe for you too!
Wow, that sounds more like a "frenemy with malefits". I hope she gets out of this horrible situation asap.
You totally nailed it!! We get so good at “getting our emotional needs met by rocks”. Yup.
Intelligence, talents, pursuit of a happy and healthy life, means little to men. Youth, money and sex is usually everything, no matter whether he is educated, a professional or wealthy. Getting upset over your partner's intimate behavior is a waste of your precious time.
That is what I learned. I am 80.
Yikes, cynicism. We have here on our channel many honorable and caring men and women.
True true words. He has somewhere else to stay. I promise.
To writer: get out completely. He's likely a narcissist looking for easy supply ! I've been there & now realize the patterns developed from childhood come from our parents lowering our self worth we are unaware we internalize this There's no real friendship going on . I walked into this fire & he was a narcissist who manipulated me for years tossing a few breadcrumbs while i exhaustively shelled out loaves & loaves ! Trust Anna knows what she's talking & advising about. Sending you love & light with healing intention 💖🙏🏼😇🎶🌠🕊️💫
12:22 ..... from rocks
I laughed but it brought tears to my eyes. I am healing. Thank you so much for all you say. It's a God-send.
Another amazing video! I've been there too many times also! No more!
I had a friends with benefits and we were so chill with each other.
One day he calls me and says he can never see me, speak to me, must completely block me on his phone and all social media.
I was shocked because we were buddies and asked why?
He said he met someone special and thinks she’s “the one”
I asked why pretend we’re complete strangers…?
He told me he was just using me for easy sex because he was tired of masterbating and being lonely, sex with me was just a distraction while he was waiting for the real deal to show up in his life.
I asked if he’s planning to use her for sex like he did me and he said “no she’s too special for that, I haven’t even kissed her yet “
😭
That sounds hard. Thank you for sharing. Glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
You're really my fairy godmother. I come to your videos for the strength I need. Thank you
I'm divorced and don't want to bring a boyfriend around my teens. I found myself in. A FWB situation and I thought I could do it but I couldn't
"Friends with benefits" is the modern day open relationship on the down low.
It's weird hearing this stories. Partly because I've had similar thought patterns & partly because when it is laid out... it sounds insane. The only reason I didn't end up in this situation was because of boundaries & a strong sense of expectations.
1) No, unless we are married you can not live with me
2) No, I have zero interest in helping you out. Clean up your mess. You are not bringing that mess into my life
3) Your in your late 40s and you are still dating casually? Unless the next words out of your mouth are "dead wife" Im not interested
4) You don't meant my standards, get out. My life, my rules. I am not here to fix, improve, or develop you
I've had those delusions and emotional dysregulation. However, my ironclad standards and rules prevented situations like this from developing because I enforce them REGARDLESS of what I want or how I feel.
You probably mean dear, not dead. And meet, not meant.
@@seriouscat2231 No I meant dead. I did mean meet though.
Late 40s = Your personality/mind/worldview are what they are. The only reason a man in his late 40s is dating casually is because that's all he wants. The only exception: Recently dead wife
Lack of boundaries really goes both ways, isn't it. People tend to have the dominant direction, e.g. either being pushovers, or bullies, but wait enough time, and you'll see both sides in the same person. We need to know where boundaries are to both hold and respect them.
I hope Amy isn't still living with him. The man is too old to be using her for a home to stay in and he's basically keeping her on her toes with the hope of they are friends and maybe one day something more. He knows she likes him romantically which is why he's so easily using her. He needs to get out of her life entirely and she has to do it, kick him out. Hope is the last thing to die. It isn't worth your time or energy.
Also she won't ever meet a decent man with this 40+ year old man living with her. A decent man will run.
Don't feel sorry for him. He's an adult and fully capable, send him off to the teenager. Let her be responsible for him!
You are responsible for you, and you need to put yourself first. It isn't mean or selfish it is what you deserve.
Amazing how easy is to see what's really going on with others but when it comes to us, our situation it's very hard to see things/ people for what it is😮 self guessing, attachment cloud our thinking.
She needs to walk away.
Hi Anna, I'm new to your channel and thank you for shedding light on what limerence is. For the past 2 years, I've been diving into mental health and healing. I've got the tools and private coaching that I need. Yet, your podcast makes me aware that I still react on my limerence tendency when it comes to romance. You help me to discover some blindspots and help me to release it. I appreciate real stories that you share here. Looking forward to see your next videos and insights.
Thank you for watching. Glad to have you in our community!
Nika@teamFairy
He is just using you girl, kick him OUT!
why did she accept him in her house? I missed that. So sad.
He's using her, plain and simple. Taking advantage of her naivity.
At 40 he should have his life together and his own place. He wants another woman, and you are still servicing him. He has his cake and eating it to. Been there done that, so know that this is just a bad situation. Get out, do something positive for yourself.
I feel this so deeply with my ex. It’s been a constant back-and-forth since we broke up. He would, and continues to, say things like he wants to try again but needs to “let go.” It’s exhausting, confusing, manipulative and hurts me and my self-esteem levels are catastrophic at this point. There is a lot of love there, so much love that we cultivated together over time. His ending of the relationship seemed so impulsive to me, and a result of his own trauma, sending me into a paralyzing pit of what you refer to as abandonment melange and shock. I don’t view him as cruel or evil, I think he’s a very damaged person who wants to heal very desperately, but is isolating as a way to free himself from really having to heal through a loving relationship. I don’t see him doing all of this as a way to intentionally manipulate, but as a way to protect himself from being triggered by normal conflict that can occur in a relationship. I’m heartbroken, lost, and have been binge watching yours and Tim Fletcher’s videos to gain a better understanding of how to love someone with CPTSD and to love myself, a fellow victim of abuse.
Hi, Anna, I kindly ask and wish for more videos on how to change career which will lead to the realisation of our authentic selves, where we will meet and work with people who won't anyhow abuse us, or belittle, or reject our bright ideas. Kind of a step by step video (since it may be difficult for some of us to immediately become entrepreneurs) how to continue improving the career and work life while working on our healing and self regulation ❤ Currently, due to my meditation and following your videos, my personal love life has improved a lot, but I feel how my toxic work environment doesn't support my whole system and hinders the healing. I want to unlock the blocks there too . Sincerely yours
Yes please!!
Hoping to create a course on this in the new year!
@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much for what you've done so far. Not a single week has passed for me without hearing your wise words on this channel, your voice carries so much love, care and hope, whenever I feel lost I come back to this channel where love and healing take place. Thank you !
Here here!!!
18 year age gap is really pushing the limits. I'm not going to say with absolution that it's never possible this would work, but it's pretty unlikely. A man in his late 40s going to a 20 something for anything sexual or emotionally connective is a huge red flag for his immaturity. I'm in my late 30s and I feel very weird about going for the majority of 20 something girls, the maturity and generational identity gaps are just too great in most cases. I have found two out of many 20 somethings expressing interest in me that I would feel comfortable with over the past few years, none of which I acted on for reasons not having anything to do with their age. Just be very careful Amy. You should not have to be this grown-ass man's rescuer.
Thankyou
Ouch, ouch ! At least facing reality is in the long term good and I know what I'm dealing with now. My delusion is now decreasing though my heart will understandably lag. As a male not much choice here in the outback though.
Can still love healthily but I need to be realistic and will listen to the covert signs, avoidant non answers and have strong consistent boundaries. Thx again
Yikes. Ive certainly been here before! The only thing i would add would be too check local laws bc in some states if he had received mail then hes a tenant and gets 30 days to vacate 😮 otherwise an illegal eviction!!
Ate her up 😭
FWB only works if both people want that and there's been an upfront honest discussion about that being what it is, plus an agreement to let each other know if any feelings/strings/expectations pop up.
Kick that hobosexual man out!
19:15 lol I totally ate sand too! Mine was mud pie
My ex-girlfriend repeatedly tried to get me to meet her only for sex after she broke up with me. When I declined and told her again and again that I wanted a relationship she tried to paint me as prudish and made fun of me. It's not only men that do this.
He sounds terrible. He’s almost 50!! What the hell is going on in the world?
“The _sharp_ teeth of that *loneliness* “
Oh, that one was harsh. Sure she should kick him out, and sure he aint her friend, but implying that she got what she agreed on… What’s wrong with good old fashion gentlemanship? I am 55 (man) and although I have not been a saint, there have always been unwritten rules that apply regardless of what specific words that happen to have been said…
Because, in this case, she HAS gotten what she agreed on. The reason he's in her home is because she invited him to be there. This man is undoubtedly a louse but she can't control him or his behavior, she can only control herself and her own behavior. She needs to wake up to that and take control before she wastes years of her life on this loser ....sure it would be a better world if we could depend on other people to treat us honorably but, unfortunately, that is not the case and there are scores of people out there that will take advantage of anyone who lets them...
For 7 months I had a online “romantic relationship” that involved sexting. She and I are both limerence, we wanted the desire of a healthy relationship that quickly became toxic. I realized I was very manipulative towards her. And she was emotionally unavailable. I’m 36 woman and she is 19. It made me feel terrible then again she still thinks I am a amazing person. I felt she shouldn’t put me on a pedestal because I was just seeking attention more than I wanted to admit.
She broke it off and I accepted it because I wanted her to do it because I kept coming back. We kept having a on and off relationship…you have to let that go
I cant even watch tis one. My story is always beinh used by women....
This old, but immature selfish man is totally using the letter-writer for free rent and free sex. He obviously does not want anything real... total user! This poor broken woman is completely blind to this... so so sad!
My own friends have told me to leave my marriage, yet I could also see the harmful behaviors. The negative behaviors eventually outweighed any positive ones and now I'm divorcing him and insisted he move out. It's eye-opening to see how clear my eyesight is when I am not in the bad relationship... I see 100% clear for this letter-writer's blindness... buy kept my rosy glasses on as long as I could tolerate ot for my own bad relationship.
I hope she reads our comments!
I predict that he will try to talk Amy into letting him stay. I hope she will memorize one sentence like “ this is not working out. You have to leave right now”. Then just repeat it no matter what he says until he leaves.
I'm not an expert, and I certainly do not want to be judgemental or offensive, but I would seriously suggest Amy that she'd see a mental health professional. This letter - for mee - reeks of BPD (on Amy's part, the guy is just taking advantage of her IMO). The girl needs help, and now. That help is available, is attainable, healing is absolutely possible. I wish her all the best from the bottom of my heart.
Yes, he is using her. But is she also using him in a sense that she is allowing him to stay so that she can get some slight comfort ? Does her having that appartment and lettig him stay give her a sense of control over the "relationship" ?
I have the opposite problem I’m in love with 2 guys who love me dearly…..but they don’t want to have sex with me. I have the strings but not the benefits! I need ALL of it!
Huh?
No one has ever romantically loved me. I can have high standards and no man will want me. I'm approaching my mid 50s never married. My dad was never apart of my family. So I never saw how a couple is supposed to act. I am fear avoidant and settles for an occasional sex partner.
I'll try making friends and not having sex. And only have sex when someone loves me. but I have to emphasize no one has ever loved me romantically.
I can’t do it.
I wouldnt call having sex with a friend, a benefit.
👌
Well l guess lm a red flag cos l dont have a good support network. l have nothing.
Get online therapy and you can join online support groups and remain anonymous if you choose to
How do I send a letter to u
She can take some blame too. She should develop some morals and values and boundaries are always born out of that. But what she did was move a old dweeb in thinking he’d be a father figure and just love her for being younger. Narcissism’. How do you punish a dog by throwing a steak at him?
Anna...she DID tell you about school...her 2 siblings were the most popular ones and she wasnt!
I have a friend with benefits but the problem is she asking for way too much money 4 dumb things for example she has $20 for lunch when she was at work then she wanted to get her nails done every week while she's 3 months behind rent I tried coaching her to help her manage her money better but nothing is working so far is really stressing me out I'm about to call it quits and the sex is not that good because i do all the work including massaging her. So should I try to keep talking to her or just let her go?
$20 lunch and nails 💅 every 3 weeks is cheaper than a wife and kids. But also less fulfilling.
That 18 year old isnt a victim .. she may drain his ass dry 😂.
I am asexual gender fluid and pansexual, every relationship I have had only open relationships or just hookups, it is the only thing that works really as I am also DID I know I can’t control my alters so when I have been in stable relationships it’s never really “love” I never understood why until the last year when I came out as trans as in my research I found the asexual term and gray-a so now I understand why love isn’t open to me.
I am okay with it, I have learned to not tell doctor’s already about the asexual part as then I get looked at strange when I need STI bloodwork because they all think that asexuals are not sexually active and while yes it does happen but it’s not a rule and I still do enjoy some sexual activities. But things are needed with things like friends with benefits but I would not choose someone from my friends network. I always use dating apps or something because I just see my friends like that or would I wish to risks to the relationship already established.
Yes being childhood abuse does sometimes effect the things I would be willing to do, but being me I just work within my boundaries and most partners are okay with this aspects of things. Plus I do disclose all that at the start before we meet or they become attached or whatever they “feel”
Say what???
The irony is for every woman who is FWB, there’s a nice guy somewhere who would probably love you and marry you but he isn’t 666 so you won’t give him a chance. Not my problem; I’m 7/6/5’10” and happily married with three grown children.
Um no, just stop. No woman has passed up a perfect guy because he wasn't tall. And no, women are not passing up "nice" guys. Women are passing up needy, clingy, insecure, unstable and creepy guys who play victim by telling the world he's doesn't know why he gets passed up when he's so "nice." Men can obviously be broke, gross and half dead and women will fall for them. Like the homeless 40 year old loser in her letter. But men want to give bare minimum and expect barely legal instagram models to play wife for them. Take that garbage rhetoric to the red pill community and go stroke those guys egos.
6 inches, 6 figures, 6 ft???
@@uui219You got it!
It’s not about 666... it’s about who we’re wired to be attracted to and bond with based on what our relationship with our parents was like. 666 and the like are such an empty and superficial way of thinking about attraction, I’ve never understood that... to me attraction is much more about finding an interlocking energy than about any physical appearance or attribute...
Most women are empty and superficial.