Thank you so much for this very grounded and well-researched video. I want to thank you for not vilifying folks with this condition as their behavior is easy to vilify and their personality hard to love. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, said, “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help." Your videos are a pathway to sufferers having hope for this type of help.
Your videos have helped me so much with dealing with my own narcissistic tendencies after experiencing trauma… I feel so much less like a demon. Thank you.
I am heartbroken as I recently left a 28 year marriage to a person I believe has NPD. He refuses to see and take responsibility for his issues, etc. and just tells me everything is MY fault. He has had interpersonal fall-outs with so many people, friends, co-workers, etc. He is going to be alone if he won't seek help. I have deep compassion for him because I know his family origin and how/why he has it. The good thing is I have come to see my own pathology/codependency and have gotten excellent therapy (Schema) and am healing. I just wish the same for him.
I have a similar experience. Now 1,5 yrs divorced after 37 yrs miarrage. I have kept trying everything I could. I gave him my all. I so wanted to love him and make it work. But there was really no way he would let down his harnass. Everything was my fault, and I believed that. He denies, projects, hides behind a wall of word salad, argues over everything, wins at any cost. I so believed in his goodness. I gave all my love and empathy, but he really can't be vulnerable. Nothing can be discussed. Everything is drenched with shame: him projecting shame onto me. I absorb the shame and feel totally worthless, while he walks away proud and relieved and energized. After 1,5 yrs I am still a psychological shamble while he is happy with his new girlfriend. Why would he want to get treatment to change his ways? His projection works to protect himself, and he doesn't feel any empathy for my suffering. So the crux is not if npd is treatable, but whether someone with npd would want to grow and work on themselves. He was a good man in so many respects; it could have been so good. But he had to treat me with contempt and hostility to protect himself at my expense.
@@karindegraaf246I know that doesn't really help but my heart goes out to you. ❤ I hope you can live your life , do something with it in spite of this!
@@karindegraaf246 I agree with almost everything you said. The only thing is he is not happy with his new girlfriend. He might feel a little better because she is clueless as to who he is underneath the stoic facade. He is getting some good feelings from her positive attention that help his ego maintain itself. But someone with NPD is never very happy other than brief periods of delusion like in the beginning of a new relationship. Even as he runs away from you, he can never run away from himself and his low self-image underneath it all. Not unless he goes and gets help from a good therapist like the one on this channel. He made you feel miserable because that's what he feels inside. It's not fair. But it's also not realistic to think he is now all of a sudden happy. Whatever the image he puts forth, it's another facade meant to prop up his fragile ego. I was thinking EXACTLY how you said in your comment and then one day I had a mutual friend swing by out of the blue just to tell me that my ex and his new girlfriend (he cheated on me with and posted intimate pics and words all over FB page) are now doing hard core drugs and he's losing business from his irresponsible behavior. The friend was done with him too as my ex was burning all his bridges now. Here I thought his life was good and I was struggling with the mess he left. Turns out I was on the upswing mentally and he (and her) were spiraling down. He had so many people in his corner helping him with building his business and he collapsed from the pressure of expectations and internal conflict. I don't know you or your ex, but I'm sure he did not have a psychological overhaul because he met someone new. I know this doesn't take away your pain and I'm sorry about that. But at the very least I hope you know that it's an illusion to think he is happy while you suffer. You actually have the better chance of healing and recovery because you are actively educating yourself and hopefully engaging in healing practices. My heart goes out to you. The pain of betrayal is unimaginable.
Thank you so much for putting this information into the world, having access to this is helping me so much to understand myself and my mental health for the first time in my life and is the first time I’ve felt like I actually have the right information to heal and finally have hope that I have a brighter future. Please keep it up, people need this.
My mother had histrionic and narcissistic disorder and she split me all the time. One time she called me all good things and being nice and kind, next time, after an hour she called me a monster. As a child and even a grown adult I couldn't understand what happened and that it wasn't my problem. But as she continued doing it for 30 years I ended up with split personality where I thought about myself as (almost) fully good and then a fully evil monster, a villain. I couldn't grasp of who I was, and even was I? Was I even real? Do I even exist? That was a common question, and I'm still recovering from her.
@lisakaler4121 - What was the question? I saw someone recounting a difficult and confusing time in their life. They wondered if they were even real because they were treated so inconsistently. I thought the best response was to let them know that people care, and that their experience was heard. Maybe you saw something different.
I agree that the popular view of NPD is super toxic and disempowering, as well as incredibly counterproductive. Like a physically abusive parent beating their kid to "teach" the kid not to hit other kids at school- which only exacerbates the problem and inflicts more abuse on an already hurt child...I assume that's the kind of analogy you spoke of. The "scorned victim" and "narc bashing" culture being promoted these days is damaging to everyone on both sides and keeps everyone stuck in a place of pain and paralysis.
I don't think people understand how bad NPD is , until experiencing it firsthand, I admit I was utterly clueless on the condition, until dating a woman with NPD. It was only until after the relationship, feeling utterly bewildered, I jumped online and everything made sense
I'm so glad you put your videos on the Internet, because most of the videos on the Internet describe Narcissists as monster that's are 'Out to Get You', obviously l don't think that way. I believe in looking at their history, because if you hear how a Narcissist became a Narcissist in the first place, you can't help but feel empathy.
Thank you for this video and channel. Being a narcissist in therapy it helps me and gives some hope when I encounter some compassion towards people with this condition. Moreover given the fact that a humane perspective on this condition is rare in the media.
@@madamebovary2829 Here’s a novel idea: maybe don’t assume the worst of an absolute stranger just because they share a trait with someone who hurt you
@@madamebovary2829not really empathetic from you. This person you don't even know is putting an effort to heal, and you're spreading hate towards them because *someone else* hurt you.. guess who's the abusive one here? I suggest you to look for your own traits of narcissism as you could be surprised, a lot of "empaths" who always look for a scapegoat to deflect blame have unmanaged npd themselves, and the fact (let me guess) you had a relationship with an abuser doesn't mean it's not possible to have npd, as this disorder is not even about abuse. Clearly you haven't even understood what this disorder is about. Basically you came here seeking for approval by invalidating the experience of someone you don't even know and then you have the guts to call them a manipulator.. sounds familiar?
You know, I'm not sure if I have NPD -- I'm realizing it could just be very extreme social anxiety -- but I want to thank you so much for putting out videos like these. You're doing a real service. I would never have been able to find this information in the current climate otherwise.
Even if I don't have this disorder, I am so very grateful to you for improving my understanding of and empathy for pwNPD. You've relieved some of my fear when it came to possibly having it. Why should I be scared to be one of the pwNPD when there's someone out there fighting so hard to help them be understood? You're really spectacular.
Every time I get disheartened about modern discourse around narcissism I see one of your videos and get a little more hope lmao. Great video as always!
Thank you for not jumping on the CZcams pop psychology hype of narcissism. This is important for both people with npd or some narc traits and those around them.
Generally speaking, even just the willingness to ask yourself that question indicates that you're not a narcissist in the clinical sense. They aren't introspective because of the mechanism of the disorder steers them away from looking inside with critical intent. Usually the first time they hear about narcissism is in a therapist's office after they have been coerced into meeting with a professional. Everyone displays occasional flares of narcissistic behavior. Selfishness or unempathic attitudes are intrinsic to being human. It only becomes a disorder when it's a daily occurrence that persists in all relationships and environments, and it negatively impacts the person's life. It is very healthy to take a look at your patterns with curiosity and honesty, trying to spot places to create positive change. If you do see patterns you feel are troublesome, working with a pro to determine your best course of action is a kind, brave, healthy thing to do. Things that look like narcissism can actually come from a variety of disorders, so it's conducive to recovery to find the label that leads to the right treatment. My father is clinically diagnosed with NPD and ASPD, so I know what it really. looks like, and I myself have CPTSD and ADHD, which can also look narcissistic at times, but his treatmentand mine are far different. I guess I just want to say that I encourage your journey and if you're questioning yourself, that's a level beyond where most narcissists dwell in daily life. Whatever brought you here, I hope you find relief from difficulties and always know you are a being of worth, deserving of acceptance and positive regard exactly as you are.
@@weaviejeebies Sadly, that thing about being introspective enough to wonder if you're a narcissist disqualifying you from being one is not only a myth, but it is a very damaging one (along with the myth about them having no empathy), as it so often discourages or denies people with NPD from getting or seeking the right kind of help. Even many professionals subscribe to this myth, which is a tragic oversight. And though I am not at all invalidating your experience with your father, I must remind you for the sake of the original poster, that you know what NPD looks like in your father- not in everyone with NPD. There are many variables and and even comorbidites that make presentation differ greatly by individual.
I spoke only from personal experience, which does extend well beyond my father, and the good intention of encouraging them to seek a professional opinion. The tendency to not engage in a great deal of introspection isn't particularly mythic to me in the population of professionally dx'd pw/NPD that I've met. I'm not a mental health professional or a mind reader, nor have I met every flavor of narcissist out there, but in the many I have met, lower than average levels of self-reflection are present to varying degrees in all of them. Not a single one of them can I imagine actually browsing CZcams to dig deeper. If they would, the people I work for would have a lot less to fret about. Pw/NPD have a hard enough time as it is getting through a regular day without their defenses kicking in to steer them away from self-accountability. What brought OP here could be narcissism, but it could also be a lot of other things. That's why working with a qualified professional is the right thing to do.
@@weaviejeebies Yes, that's a clarification on personal experience that the OP might benefit from hearing, thank you. Low self-reflection is not synonymous with never questioning if one is a narcissist or has NPD. (And food for thought- not being able to imagine any of the diagnosed NPD folk you know ever browsing CZcams to dig deeper is not proof that they haven't done so. It just means that the way they have presented themselves to you and maybe the public, etc looks as if they never introspect or find fault in their behavior. Many, if not most NPD folk beat themselves up internally and introspect through a quite negative self talk lense...they just try to hide it from the public and limit when it happens because that lense makes it incredibly unpleasant, if not abusive to endure. It explains the reluctance, and even suppression via alcohol/substance abuse. All of us do and think and feel many things that some other people wouldn't assume we do. Assumptions are not facts, no matter how factual they feel.) I personally know 2 who did question it after several years and a few failed relationships with women who accused them of being narcissistic. Inevitably, in low moments, they began to question logically- that perhaps multiple people in their lives were on to something. It's much more common for NPD folk in vulnerable states to question and seek help. So the most important thing- which has nothing to do with you nor I- is that nobody struggling with NPD ever gets discouraged or accidentally led away from the right kind of help, or from seeking a diagnosis from a WELL trailed therapist. (1 of those 2 friends I mentioned suffered for several extra years in confusion, on his own, because of the "If I'm asking, I must not be one" myth. And he is lucky to be alive today because he is/was very high risk. Regretfully, and admittedly, I used to be one of the friends who mistakenly consoled him with that introspection myth. He'd been misdiagnosed as BPD yrs prior, which wasn't helping him nearly enough- thus reinforcing his feelings of failure and brokenness. I wish I had known then what I know now about NPD.)
@weaviejeebies From my experience this is not true. Every person with NPD I know, including myself, are always asking themselves: "what is wrong with me?", we are our worst critic. You should always mention that you speak from your personal experience, you don't speak the absolute truth. Please remember that we are human beings, we come in different shapes and forms.
I really appreciate your channel, and your empathetic point of view. My understanding of the reason narcissism is not treatable is that a narcissist won't seek treatment. My anecdotal experience with the narcissist in my life is that she will not seek counseling, because admitting she might be wrong about anything is impossible for her. I feel for her...the vulnerability, depression and low self esteem is painful to see. She knows she has damaged her relationships, but she will go to her grave without seeking any kind of counsel.
I am so happy to hear this. I know someone who I believe is being helped. He tells me how he feels, not always flattering to himself, how he is working on changing those feelings, etc. He is a good person who has known a lot of pain, is reflecting in his therapy and will continue therapy. It is hard enough to be dealing with NPD in oneself without being discarded and viewed as worthless, ruthless, and incapable of living a good healthy life. None of us is perfect. I feel badly because I listen to people online who have good intentions, who are trying to protect me, leaving me fearful of my friend and his intentions. I was concerned because he says he feels we have a future together, but we are not moving forward. I have been told to be patient while he is in treatment. He is in my prayers. Thank you for this video.
u should be aware of their process and also trust ur gut, but u prolly shouldnt listen too much to people who dont know ur friend specifically, especially since ur friend wants to improve
No one else I knew needed help. I did not know he needed help for a number of months. He had contacted me to say he liked my online replies to people because he thought I was making a difference. He said the world is a mess. We continued to talk, but still have not met. I am very cautious. I will wait and see how he does.@@henryhandel
@@theCZcamsHandle - _"Devil's advocate"_ You know who else, will? Pretty much, everyone... Have you heard of _'masking'?_ People can't take other's power, that others don't first, give-up, or allow it. (obviously, it's more nuanced, than that). As an ex-victim, continuing survivor, and looking into my potential (and some realized), narcissistic-traits - Protect yourself, without attacking others... otherwise, it's just another day of war, and no peace... Thank you, sincerely. ☮ 💟 🤗
I am probably a vulnerable one. I recently started watching your content and i notice that your tone and overall demeanor is very neutral with no trace of condescension and i really like that. I am shameful and have a fear based perception so its absolutely difficult to deal with the topic alone but your delivery is helping. It has been good for a while now and i was on the way building self-esteem but i had no idea how to protect my energy and it is to this day bewildering to me how malignant type narcissists can become communal and even work together to exploit others. They ate me up and spat me out. I rejoice because now I can be 7 years old again. I took a slightly longer vacation and let my gentlemen believe that I was feeling really bad. They were as happy as snow kings and I was laughing up my sleeve because now I can take care of my healing while they believe that their food is returning in good health so that the cycle can be repeated. This is the dumbest shit that I have ever experienced. 0/10 would not recommend.
I think your videos are absolutely fantastic - you’re the only person who I think actually truly understands what a narcissist thinks and feels. It is a personality disorder and just like with any mental illness- they need help. My question is (as I’m currently doing through this) - how do you get someone who’s suffering with NPD to accept the issue and understand they need help? From my experience- there believe they are absolutely fine - you’re the problem. Again in my experience they acknowledge they have anxiety, in certain episodes you see the lack of self-confidence whenever they maybe slightly criticised. But this blows up into a rage of loathing to the other person. So I agree they can be helped and supported but trying to admit they have an issue is the hardest part. If a person cannot find fault within themselves -how do you treat them?
This is my favorite video of yours!! I am interested in the possibility of pwNPD feeling new emotions during treatment. I recently saw a TikTok where someone claimed people with NPD have a hard time feeling joy or contentment, and struggle to mourn, and bothered by apathy. Is it possible to heal and learn these things? You addressed it a bit in the video but I would love to learn more :)
I am delighted with your information. Coming from a narcissistic type family including a narcissistic identical twin, you can imagine I grew up confused by actions but full of love and empathy for the unfortunate family members imprisoned by their maladaptive outlook in life. I married what I grew up with. I did a deep dive into understanding all that I could read, just hoping to help us all. My journey has led me to try to show that I do not ever want to abandon them, but I have certain boundaries that can not be crossed. These are simple boundaries of respect and mutual consideration. I have had limited success, but I have encouragement my this broadcast and I look forward to finding additional therapy for us with your out look and understanding.
Good video Dr. Ettensohn. Couple things I’d like to say. One, I think part of the issue is when people become attached to a diagnosis. People can have a narcissistic adaptation, and it can improve later with treatment and hard work. The label they give themselves can become a self fulfilling prophecy if they hold on to it too tightly. For most people with a personality disorder, their time would be better spent working on their behaviors rather than defending the labels. Not all people with personality disorders are abusive. However, many people with personality disorders are indeed abusive. They may not be abusive because of their diagnosis, but they can still be abusive. I think people who have been abused can have their experiences validated and be told not all narcissists are abusive. I always say, behaviors are more important than labels. If someone is mistreating others, doesn’t matter what their label is. And if someone has a personality disorder, best you can do is work on it and don’t worry about what others say about it. In fact, your diagnosis isn’t really anyones business unless they are very close to your life. Now the people who have these adaptations and aren’t aware of them or don’t get help, not much for others to do in that scenario.
Dr. RAMNEY runined me for so long... made me feel like a monster and led to suicidal thoughts constantly. I just kept listening to her and I dove deeper into my collaspe. SO thankful to find heal npd... true understanding and has given me hope.
I felt terrible about myself after listening to Dr. Ramani as well and I was dx npd,hpd once in 1980s. I am not grandiose rather can't read body language and facial expressions. I hear you, I'm sorry this happened to you too.
I feel for both of you and am very glad you found this channel and thus therapists who are actually qualified and able to help you heal. I find that as someone who deals with c-ptsd and has had family and partners on the NPD & BPD spectrum- she does much damage to both NPD folk and their loved ones with very damning, demonizing misinformation. It keeps everyone stuck in blame, shame, and victimization/victimhood. I too, was temporarily misled by her- I didn't fall for most of the demonizing hyperbole, but I was misled into thinking it was a mostly untreatable condition. What an awful, dangerous, and vengeful "resource" to subject any demographic to.
Thank goodness for you and your MUCH needed voice, work, and practice! (And I say this as someone who has been partnered with a good man who suffers from vulnerable NPD) PS: I would love to see you offer a video addressing intermittent reinforcement from both sides of this NPD manifestation, and hopefully some tips for both parties as well. If and when you have time, of course. Thank you.
@@healnpdYou're welcome. I very recently found your work and am waiting on your book to be shipped. Your perspective finally made sense of this illness for me. I have plans to start school next yr focusing on fusing psychology and holistic nutrition- and now this really inspires me to broaden my understanding and aspiring training to the full scope of treatment for cluster B disorders as well.
Great video. I've seen how different people with NPD diagnosis present and I've seen many recover (or heal). I've seen the misconceptions that people who have NPD are always abusers, do it on purpose and will never change. I remember reading a comment on another video where the commenter was calling for a public register of people diagnosed with NPD. It's really scary how people lash out against those they are encouraged to hate
Alot of that is to help the victim leave the relationship because the hope of change keeps them hooked. Truthfully the Nac can't change within the same relationship. They can change with another partner. Ive seen it. Also, the victim isn't in the place where they are able to look at themselves and what they did wrong. They can't afford to look at themselves because self blame will keep them trapped. But years after the breakup you will hear them talk about their own mistakes.
@@catherineblair550 I see what you're saying but maybe my point wasn't clear. The group of people I stumbled across believe : 1) all narcissists abuse (this is not supported by the diagnostic criteria) 2) only narcissists abuse (this is a misunderstanding of what it means to be abused, no label is required to decide if someone is being abused) 3) narcissists intentionally abuse (very complicated assumption) 4) all people with NPD or narcissistic traits should be publicly named on a register, even if they are not a criminal or have done nothing to warrant it, because of the above assumptions (the reasoning being "it's just a matter of time"). This is especially concerning when you consider the rates of misdiagnosis of NPD among the neurodiverce population and the violence being suggested by the group. The posts I saw were not from people in abusive relationships, although some spoke about narcissistic exes, other's were angry because they believed the above assumptions. They are taught that narcissism = abuse so they feel justified to lash out. Narcissism is a human trait we all have to varying degrees, abuse is a crime, and NPD is a diagnosis. These were not victims being encouraged to leave, as a survivor I felt like I was reading the justification of perpetrators
I really appreciate the information you offered here. I think for people with trauma and codependency we almost need, at least at first, to see NPD as black and white because we need to get away from the person who is harmful for us. I was with my ex for 14 years and what you said about the psychotic NPD described him well. He wasn't willing to get more help or assessment - I don't know for sure if he has NPD but it seems possible to me and perhaps likely. But he wasn't willing to get help and I was not going to survive that situation so I had to go.
21:15 This is so true. I dated NPD, and in the love bomb stage, I scared him by telling about a health crisis I was dealing with. He fainted!!! I was so worried and helped him to get back on his feet (he didn't fake it. He literally became white and lost his balance). In the beginning, I was wondering if he cared so much about me that he responded that way, but straight after that the devaluation started, and I realized looking back that I broke his NPD brain while he idealized me.. Like a little kid finding out Santa is not real, and I'm not perfect 😅
@@7prudent its true, ive met people w/ npd in therapy who admitted that the love bomb-devaluation cycle is about truly believing that this person they put on a pedestal is going to fix and save them, and when they find out they are not perfect, it causes total collapse of their psyche and they split on the person believing that they are actually the reason everything is bad, its really similar to other personality disorders in "cluster B" where we see this huge dramatic switch between worship and discard. narcissists tend to be avoidant, so the splitting looks more like "i never cared about you and you have no relevence in my life" than "how could you ruin my life and abuse me i hate you!!" like we see in borderline personality disorder.
I overcame my strong narcissistic traits in my 30's using a Jungian self exploration method (know thyself) and quit a long standing alcoholism problem at the same time. Ironically, I did it for love. That "love" turned out to be for a covert NPD who fooled me for nearly 30 years. I felt I had no choice but to abandon the relationship, to my eternal sadness. Nevertheless, I very much appreciate your clear explanations, the knowledge gained is extremely helpful.
My NPD father would be the very first one to call absolutely everything you say in this video BS because “there is nothing wrong with him and you are just an over educated quack trying to convince him he has a mental illness” And there in lies the problem. All the understanding in the world isn’t going to convince somebody with NPD that they have a mental illness and need help. In fact they will likely resent you for it. So while it is theoretically treatable it is practically impossible in the real world where the actual abuse survivors live because for every narcissist that actually tries getting help there are probably ten thousand abusing their scapegoats behind closed doors.
Generally, personality disorders are characterized by inflexible adherence to maladaptive thoughts and coping strategies that the person doesn’t recognize to be problematic. This makes all personality disorders difficult to treat. Difficult, but not impossible as long as there is buy-in from the individual.
I’m really thankful to have found this channel. My interest in NPD started as something I wanted to research for a writing project to see if my character actually had it or not. In the process of my research, I did notice a heavy trend of how people portrayed everyone with it as monsters etc, but it really hit me when I was trying to look into personal testimonies from people with NPD who may have converted to Christianity. (I wanted to know what that journey would be like and how they might perceive such submission to God when the grandiose features were most of what I was aware of) And with those set of search terms, I ended up finding a lot of people who claimed a genuine conversion from someone with NPD would be impossible. Now that is something very troublesome to see considering Christianity is for everyone, especially sinners/lost/broken/downtrodden and etc. So the notion that a lot of people felt this way stuck with me considerably. It is so troublesome and dark.... But since it left such an impression on me, I’ve kept looking into NPD here and there despite already figuring out that my character likely doesn’t have NPD (though sometimes I’m still unsure the more sympathetic things I learn). I kind of just dealt with peoples weird and dehumanizing comments during my poking around, but very recently I found one person with clips on yt who implied having success in treating NPD and who was very kind about them. I was floored! And because I kept looking at that, this channel started being recommended as well. I’m so glad there are people who are helping people with NPD. Even before I knew much about the harder realities of suffering NPD, I thought it had to be so hard to go through if you wanted help, as it would seem like the whole world was against you. It’s great to know there’s not only some quality resources for people suffering NPD, but also a lot more hope than I realized at the start of my research
Hello! Thank you for this video, always love to see new content from you, Dr! ☺️ just wondering if you would be willing one day to discuss anything about 'as if' personalities/quiet bpd (though i know this isn't an official term) Or anything on schizoid dynamics? And lastly, anything on erotomanic /limerence would be so greatly appreciated. Best wishes!!
Wow, I’m pretty shocked by how misinformed the main NPD youtubers are making people! Grannon for example telling everyone that the Npd sufferer know all the time what they are doing.. and that when they split (idealise) they’re just faking- this is so damaging! Both to the sufferers and the people hurt by their behaviour. The splitting being real makes so much more sense of my experience. I’m not saying that people should use this as an excuse to stay in toxic dynamics, but misinforming about the illness literally stops people from acknowledging their condition and seeking help, surely we should all want people with Npd to be able to heal?
I hope DrRamani and other “authorities” watch your videos and try to balance understanding and offering that to people instead of the whole NPDs are just assholes.
NPD is not just simply a “mental illness”. I know. I was around two people with undiagnosed NPD for 32 years. (Comorbidity with other psychological disorders was present as well.). Nothing I could do. I was constantly misdiagnosed in therapy, since I was emotionally distressed…ended up with Severe Depression and CPTSD. Sucks.) No way to say that NPD is just a simple mental illness. My wife was truly abusive physically, emotionally and verbally. Since I was a male, I was able to manage her at times when she got physical, only to find her escalating. I started feeling that my life was in danger often; many sleepless nights. Again; NPD is just not a simple “mental illness”. I say its a Personality Disorder that is extremely hard and difficult to treat. Curing this disorder is “utterly unlikely”. My wife and her mother refused to be diagnosed properly. Any time a therapist made an attempt; they would clam up or refuse to disclose their results. I was always transparent about my results; anxiety & severe depression and no personality disorder. I found myself alone in therapy constantly trying to get my relationship with my wife to improve; trying to figure what the heck was going wrong in our marriage. My wife always said I was the one with the mental illness; I could do nothing right in her eyes, nor her mothers. Their rages were always over the top.
I got diagnosed last year with level 1 ASD - female profile, but sometimes I doubt my dx and I think I may have a personality disorder as well/instead of. I thought HPD earlier this year, but I think the attention-seeking part is not severe enough. I relate to a lot of what you say about NPD, the vulnerability and difficulty with self-esteem. I just find it so confusing because I feel like I’m not allowed to question my ASD dx. If I decided to tell my questioning in the ASD support group, I would get responses like ‘No, you are not an evil narcissist, you’re a beautiful neurodivergent person’ etc. Seems like it’s quite hard to differentiate the traits of the two. For example, idolizing can be construed as a person having a specific interest. And in my eval, they did not do differential diagnosis to rule out personality disorders. So I’m left wondering 😢
Cathy if you have the feeling not being happy with your diagnosis, trust your gut. Look for another mental health provider. Personality disorders are not that common and are very difficult to diagnose, especially with covert NPD. Good luck 🍀 ❤❤❤❤
@@ginaqc78 thank you for your answer. I actually have a psych eval on the 23rd :) I hope it will be a comprehensive evaluation, not a checklist that anybody can find on Google 🫠
Autism and NPD often can be comorbid as well, I have both. Makes sense considering that NPD stems (mostly) from trauma, and trauma is prevalent in autistics in higher rates
Yes I also get dismissed whenever I bring up potential NPD. Professionals who don't know anything about it other than the stereotype are quick to jump to my defense to tell me that I'm not a narcissist, because I am kind/feel guilt/aren't horrible to them. But this means that my behaviours and the root cause are never worked on because the notion of it is dismissed so quickly. Fact is my trauma profile matches NPD completely. I was rejected because I was autistic and so I had to create a false self to compensate. It's really a breath of fresh air for channels like this to exist so that I can actually start to heal.
I'd love a video going more into devaluing cycles, and a video explaining what a narc crash is, I never seem to understand what that means because it doesn't make sense to me what it is, and I see different explanations every time I look.
I appreciate your videos. My dad seems to have NPD, and he's now retired and it has gotten more difficult for him with a lot of substance abuse and isolation. My family has mostly abandoned him in almost every way, but I see pain in how he's living and I know he's difficult and abusive at times, but I don't think he's evil. I think he's suffering. I think he may also have a form of autism or bipolar, but he would never see a therapist, ever. I think he's just like a drowning cat -- and I'd still want to help the cat even if I get scratched up. But big gloves are a good call. I hope you do more of these videos because the popular ones by Dr Ramani and whatnot are just heartless. They act like they are talking about a person who doesn't deserve any empathy, any consideration for their own suffering, and that they have no path forward. Who would condemn someone with a mental illness like this and call themselves a mental health professional? Why? Maybe they just don't know how to treat them so they throw them all away? I have seen a ton of those videos and it makes me feel so profoundly sad to see such contempt about even a theoretical person with a health disorder of any kind. Anyway, wondering if you can do a video about autism & NPD or bipolar & NPD - what happens when someone has both? Or all 3? Is that possible? What is a step of treatment for someone who won't seek therapy or take medication? How can family members help make things easier for them? Thanks for your time and videos, looking forward to more of them
Thank you for this. My sister has covert NPD and as she has aged (now 75 years old), it has gotten much worse. At my insistance, she did go to a therapist once as she was feeling depressed, but her behaviour continued to worsen to the point that we (her family) have gone no contact. What percentage of people with NPD actually seek out, then remain, in therapy? Is it more successful for younger people with NPD as opposed to older individuals, such as my sister? Her behaviour is so entrenched and continues to worsen, so the possibility of her benefitting from therapy are practically nil as she will not accept that dhe needs help. Her grandiosity will not allow it.
Once again, thanks for the video. I have a question also. Basically about to years ago I learned about NPD and for me it was an "sounds like me" moment. Since then I found some online NPD communities and I feel like I finally found a group of people who can understand me and who I can understand. The problem is that since june I have started actual therapy and I brought up to my therapist the suspicion that I have NPD. But she says that I'm not arrogan/extraverted enough to be a narcissist. Instead I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, which isn't exactly wrong, but I feel like narcissism captures my internal experience better. Also SAD, unlike NPD, is not sexy at all 😢. At the same time, your descriptions of pathological narcissism sound like they're about me. Could you comment your thoughts about my situation? P.S. currently I do idealize my therapist, even though we disagree on N topic.
I like your videos. You are very articulate and you shed a lot of light. I don’t agree that victims of narcissistic abuse are punishing the narc abuser into their bad behavior. That is what I am hearing you say. Most of us were clueless as to what the hell is going on with this person. We didn’t even know about NPD. We just endured the relentless attacks while we ask ourselves “Why is this person always mad about something?” “Why do they assign negative thoughts and feelings to me that actually never occurred to me.” “Why the hell won’t they believe me when I tell them my ACTUAL feelings and thoughts?” We can’t help them and they definitely don’t think they need help. So what next? There’s nothing else but no contact. The advice given to the abused is to save them, not to make the point that the narc can’t be helped. They just can’t be helped by us!! It’s ok to give up hope on them. In fact it is crucial. I thank God everyday I did.
Thanks for watching. I'm at a bit of a loss concerning one thing in your comment, about the victims of abuse punishing the abuser into bad behavior. That is certainly not an opinion that I hold, and I can't think of where in the video it may have seemed like I was saying that. To which part are you referring?🤔 I do believe that many online resources collapse the complexity of this disorder into narrow dichotomies. I get why they do that and even agree that people who are trying to leave an abusive relationship often need conrete perspectives to help resolve their own indecision. I don't think people should stay in that place, though. My content may not be suitable for someone just poking their head above the surface of an abusive relationship.
Thank you for your response. I can tell that you are coming from the perspective of hope for treating narcissistic people and I can appreciate the importance of your perspective. Our society needs hope for these broken people. Thank you for your work. My only reaction to your content is that I suspect that your experience is not from the viewpoint of the victims. Almost all NPD content that is out there online is for the victims. So it may seem like narc bashing and that is not helping your cause. A good cause! But we need the help so badly! There’s just some verbiage in the video that makes it sound like victims should give narcissists a break and that is precisely what keeps us locked in with the cycle of abuse in the first place. That’s all. And to be clear, I am 10 years out of my narc experience. So it’s not me just getting air after the horror of it. I am well into recovery. I care about this topic from a victim perspective and you are here to find help for NPD sufferers. We are on the same side thank God. ❤
Can’t thank you enough for the videos on NPD! Many other channels on CZcams tell people what they want to hear and is easy to believe. Your content stands out.
Due to stigma and suffering that accompanies this disorder it is the most admirable disorder to posess and cope with. So it comes to no surprise that i exibit it.
So is there a way to let the person know then that you suspect they have this disorder? I highly doubt my husband would take kindly to this information. I would love to get him help but feel hopeless at this point. We are at this point headed toward divorce because of his abusive behavior.
In my opinion, he won't agree to therapy unless his disorder hurts him. Or that is what i have seen. They will exhaust the last of the supplies available, and when they have no more, they sink into deep depression and that is when they seek help. Reasoning with pwNPD doesn't really work imo. Every time you say that your action is hurting me, they usually twist it according to their understanding of how you deserve abuse. It's pretty complicated. Instead of focusing on helping him at the moment, please focus on protecting yourself. If he want to get help ever, you can be there for him. But I believe you cannot make him see the problem with him abusing you, until he faces the brunt of it. Only when he realizes how his actions impact him, will he be ready to seek help and work on himself. You are precious. Take care of yourself. ❤️
I doubt there is. I realised i have been going through narcissistic abuse pretty late into our relationship only because of i noticed a decline in my mental state. I am really a very introspective person and i remember instances which bothers me mentally and emotionally and finding about npd made all the pieces fit right in and i knew what the problem was. I did not know how to confront her about it so i did some research and most of it said its futile and people with npd basically have no empathy. I wanted to belive otherwise and i confronted about my problems and how npd might be the reason for the way she is acting. All she said was that she doesnt care and i can leave the relationship if its bothering me so much and i broke up with her and i asked for no contact. The literal next day she called some old friend of hers and asked him out to hangout to send me a picture of them together and i belive they are dating now. Idk if thats what she wanted all along or just realized she does not have a enabler to her narcissism anymore. It really hurt me when she did not even take a day to replace me. I really hate narcissistic people so this comment might come out as misleading and hateful for a large group of people w npd but i am trying to tell this from the side of a abused person. Trying to tell her about it was where everything went downhill for me and since that day i have never felt safe getting into a relationship or even talking to anyone new. If it werent for this chanel i would not even consider them as humans.
The idea of being treated like a human being is extremely appealing to me. Your work here is the backbone of my paradigm of pathological narcissism. Everything else on narcissism will be measured in comparison to this. Also, I might be idealizing you right now. Sometimes I wonder if getting back with people on a regular basis is like going to Church to restore lost faith.
I always seen this dynamic- that narcissists or mental disordered people are not glaringly different, even in the midst of the narcissism movement to identify narcissism. I think it is also misunderstood: they look like everyone else, use the same language, seem perfectly normal until you start to see the nuances that define the disorder.
This is the best channel on NPD. Can you suggests ways of helping someone with signs of NPD who might not be aware of them? I want to share my observations of them with them so that they can talk sooner about it with their psychologist but I know that would be crossing boundaries and might cause more damage than help. Thanks so much for your work.
Yes, but how about those who were abused by the ones you are standing for? That was the worst time of my life, and I struggle to recover from covert narcissist every day. Again, the empaths are the ones who are expected to be sympathetic and understanding....after we were abused in the first place
@madamebovary2828 - As I stated in the video, I don’t think the abused/abuser paradigm is very helpful in the long run. Relationships are complicated, as is human psychology. Pathological narcissism and NPD are about faulty self-esteem regulation, not abuse. Like many other forms of mental illness, pathological narcissism can make abuse more likely in certain situations, but it doesn’t “cause” abusive behavior. I’ve specialized in this area of practice for a while now, and I’ve worked with many couples where one partner believes that the other is a narcissist. In over half of those cases, the partner is mistaken. This is caused by the culture of stigma surrounding NPD. People watch scandalizing videos, become grossly misinformed, and end up convinced that their loved one has NPD. The problem is they don’t know what they don’t know. They aren’t qualified to correctly determine what is happening, and they have been misled to think all forms of abuse are somehow ‘caused’ by narcissism. There is MUCH more to say about this disorder that has nothing to do with interpersonal abuse.
@@healnpd I had no idea about NPD until I realized that I was abused and manipulated, thus I had no stigma about NPD-I learnt it from what that person did to me. It is really awful to live through emotional abuse of covert narcissist when they present themselves as sheep in wolf clothes. I get it that some behavior such as ghosting and silent treatments sometimes (!) is a way to escape/avoid possible projected failure - I knew exactly when it would happen on the second round (he got too attached to me, and I could feel that; he told me he felt empty and that he didn`t know who he was - at that second round I was observing him with a knowledge, and it was by a "book"; kisses were too intense, like a teenage boy I had, despite this narc was in his 50`s). But many times, it is pure manipulation. Btw, we still live next door to each other, and he is on hoovering phase again.
@@healnpd"I don't think abused abuser paradigm is very helpful in the long run". No, sir. Then you're on the side of evil. News flash: if someone does an aggressive action whether it's physical offence or verbal, they're an aggressor and they're an abuser. And if someone responds to this attack, they defend themselves. But narcs always use darvo, and so do you. Best response from them would be "it takes two to tango" or "but you too did to me". Well, yes, I'm not going to stand speechless if you are aggressive towards me.
@wasp239 - I’m on the side of evil and using darvo tactics? Come on. Mental health is complex. Human relationships are complex. Pathological narcissism is complex. It has many different presentations…as many as there are sufferers of the disorder. But if we are to believe 99% of the videos on CZcams, narcissism is a two-dimensional construct: the abuser and the abused. One is bad, one is good. Collapsing complexity into static, polarized cardboard cutouts dehumanizes all involved. I am not saying abuse doesn’t happen or that it isn’t important.
I was in a nightmare for 32 years with two narcissist with NPD. I went into therapy for years with my wife and her mother. The therapist never diagnosed them properly. I ended up being practically driven insane by them. There is no cure for NPD. If there is, then the Narcissist with NPD will have to stay in therapy and treatment for a life time. Those around them will have to as well. Also, I have not found one therapist during my marriage who recognized my wife had NPD. I have yet to meet a single person with treated (healed) NPD.
You’ve probably never met anyone that got treatment and I’m sure you’ve never met anyone who’s been diagnosed. You hear what you hear online exactly what he’s saying in the video
Its demonic , this should tell you that science doesn't have the answers to everything , science doesn't know about demons so it cannot know how to handle them let alone get rid of them , Say the Rosary and go for Mass , trust God to help you .
@@hix9306 There are always exceptions to the rule. I know of one; he said he has to stay in constant therapy and his wife has to do the same as well, since she is not a narcissist, and has chosen to stay married to him. He was diagnosed properly. He put his wife through a nightmare. I wish my wife would have let herself be diagnosed properly. She refused, and kept me mentally and emotionally twisted up by gaslighting me regularly. There is truly no cure; the awaken narcissist has to stay constantly aware of his or her narcissism while staying intentionally vigilant on a day by day basis. The lack of true empathy and the lack of being able to truly self-reflect and recognize their bad behavior is the problem. They can be taught to learn cognitive empathy, but will typically revert back to old patterns of behavior when they are not staying constantly vigilant. My wife had periods; then she fully reverted back to old behaviors. Her mother did the same. It was like living inside a tornado. You ever talk with Dr. Ramani Durvasula about your perspective?
I find it best to focus on myself and what I need to do. If ur wife doesn't want treatment she isn't required by law to seek treatment. That shouldn't stop u from getting treatment tho
I am almost 100% certain I am a narcissist (still not diagnosed). I recently exited a relationship with an amazing girl and I am suffering a lot at the moment. I want to end it all, I don't want to be like this, I didn't choose this, it is so unfair, why do some people become empaths and others narcissists?? How do I continue with life... I want to be a good person and have an identity of my own. I don't want to be fake and pretend all the time. I don't have any drive to do anything for myself. I am going to therapy but I am not being treated specifically as a narcissist but more as a traumatised person, and it helps me understand some things, but it also makes me believe I am not actually narcissistic, but rather a deeply wounded individual. But that is not the case. Once I come back home and start watching videos, shorts and reading online about narcissism, almost everything resonates with me and what I have done to people, and it makes me feel so anxious and sad. What is the reason to live with NPD if you are an evil person in your core? Even if you are able to manage your behaviours, deep inside you are still a ''demon'', a ''vampire'' and all the other stuff they say, and you will still end up in Hell for all of that.
@alexanderraduan2416 "...it also makes me believe I am not actually narcissistic, but rather a deeply wounded individual." People with pathological narcissism or NPD *are* deeply wounded individuals. I don't think I've ever worked with someone I would describe as 'evil in their core,' and I specialize in treating NPD. Go easy on yourself. Stay in treatment. Stop watching videos about narcissism unless they are from people who specialize in treating it. The rest of them won't be helpful to you, and they may in fact be harmful. Self-compassion and self-acceptance are central to healing from NPD. Acceptance doesn't mean indulging your worst impulses. It means accepting that they are there, forgiving yourself for the wounds that afflict you, and committing yourself to a path of healing and recovery. My best to you on your journey.
Thank you Alexander for having the courage to be so vulnerable here. If you can endure to sit with yourself and see (quote:)"what I have done to people" , then you are working on growth and change. Because facing these shadow parts of yourself and enduring the painful feelings this provokes, is the path to heal I believe. When you are facing your shadows and you are honest to yourself about them, and at the same time you can accept yourself and have some compassion for yourself, this can help shifting things for the better. The part of you that can observe this, that is the part of you that is intact and good. I hope you find the resources you need, to strengthen the intact part of you, and overcome the shadow parts. Your past doesnt have to determine your future. Growth is always possible when you become aware and you find the courage to face the "shadows". I wish you strength and hope.
I would love if you make a video about how to approach life as someone who has been diagnosed with NPD. I´ve been going to therapy for almost 2 and half years, I can see some improvements, but relationship wise, its not great. Im very superficial and I use my partner as an extension of myself, therefore they are never good enough for me. To be fair, I never even try to approach girls who I would really like, because my life is very boring and I dont think they would be interested. I keep avoiding stuff and I keep running into my man cave because its safe. Im able to "bulshit" girls into my life, I even tell them right away I have this problem, but they usually jump right into the relationship with me disregarding any warning I gave them. I usually start a relationship with "this is not going to work" in my mind, right from the start, because of the reasons Ive mention earlier. I was even considering I would just be alone, but I need my "narcissistic supply" somewhere, otherwise I fall into depression, because I dont see my friends and Im mostly alone. Im looking for ways of how to be of use, more than of being a leech.
All very interesting & helps me to understand why it is so easy for them to discard once it has gotten to the level of doing so. They are splitting and unable to comprehend that all human beings have both positive & negative qualities and are but a mix & mash of them all. To them a person is either all bad or all good and there is no room in their minds to accept that both the negatives and positives co-exist within us all & are part of everyone they choose to interact with. With this type of disorder every relationship they have is inevitably doomed for failure as they seek perfection in others but ignore their own failings or even take the time to self-reflect or hold themselves accountable or responsible for anything that has taken place. Which may explain why they have an inability to genuinely apologize for many of the disgusting things they do to gain advantage while they lie and do much damage to others without regard for them. Label it what you want but even the disorders are often a mix & mash of the disorders themselves. I personally have dealt with people who display more symptoms of BPD or CPTSD than NPD in my own life or at least that is my belief. Thanks for sharing this.
If we know that many believe narcissists are demons with no souls, why would most of us be willing to admit to ourselves that we are narcissistic (possibly NPD). I guess because the only way out of this disorder is to accept and confront it.
Sir, my helplessness has brought me here. I just left a man I deeply love and care for into his own darkness. I have seen a sliver of hope in him in the fact that he always agreed to join therapy every time I brought it up in conversation. But we live in a small town called Raiganj (West Bengal, India). It's hard to find a therapist let alone a therapist like you. On top of that he knows only Bengali and Hindi language. He doesn't know English. I distanced myself from him to save my emotional well being. But I know he won't survive in there long enough. He smokes marijuana everyday. He suffers from anxiety and depression. It is a cry for help. I know it's close to impossible for you to help. But I just put this out here and out of my mind. In case, by a stroke of luck something magical happens. I can manage to pay for online therapy if it's not way too expensive as of now. I will increase my earnings too.
To around 10:00. I think it has a lot to do with outer circumstances. When feeling okay then its easier to be in control of the own behavior but if the negative feelings grow to strong then the compulsive, maladaptive behavior gets out and has a drive to it which is very hard to resist. Usually it is more of a gentle nudge to do certain things. Its there but it is resistible even if it costs a bit of emotional energy and is draining. Its different when there is a lot of fear, shame or guilt. Those are feelings which are experienced as too much so they get blurred out by "self" and "ego" is able to take full control. At least that is how I would describe it through introspection (Vulnerable Type probably).
As stated in the video, personality is organized around central conflicts. In the case of narcissistic personalities, the conflicts are about self-worth and self-esteem. An individual with a narcissistic personality style will always have those central conflicts. The part that can be meaningfully changed is the extent to which those conflicts cause disruption to the person's life and the lives around them. Significant reduction in interpersonal distress and antagonism, emotional and mood dysregulation, impulsivity, aggression, and the use of reality-distorting and boundary-disrupting defenses like projection and splitting is very possible and I have seen that in my practice. It is possible to no longer qualify for a diagnosis of NPD and I've seen that in my practice. Thanks for watching.
It is good to hear a sympathetic inside perspective of a narcissist. I have seen narcissism running in families over three generations, so it is also a matter of inheriting it genetically. No matter, how sympathetic one is toward a narcissist, one is always afraid of their manipulation and getting hurt. We should not forget that it is a disorder designed to harm others.
healnpd: thank you for your time. You are right that this is a struggle to manage self-esteem. However, this struggle inherently involves the manipulation of others. Others cannot be bracketed out. Dr. Ramani and many others warn us and on the other side you with a sympathetic perspective tell us to see their side. In this positive endeavor, you forget the pain inflicted by narcissists on others. It is not a small thing. It destroys people for a lifetime. We need some middle way: to recognize them, give them some space, and also be able to save our mental health.
@@healnpdSir, you are the perfect example of the narcissistic therapist which professionals such as Jordan Peterson and Sam Vaknin warn us about. Absolutely totalitarian and in complete opposition to the factual. I've never commented so much on social media as I do on your platform. lol. But you pose a great danger to victims of narcissistic abuse by validating and downplaying narcissistic abusive behavior hence the results included. As a professional you are extremely irresponsible. Please stop validating abusive narcs and persons in general.
Can you please consider to cover the topic about the differences between narcissistic personality style and actually narcissistic personality disorder? Thank you.
People Judge other people on their appearance rather than ask themselves, 'Do they have to stay the way they are all their life?' Our world is very quick to judge what they don't understand.
I usually like your videos, however the issue lies in the fact that they have empathy deficits. Very serious ones. Ones we have not been able to solve. And because of this fact, they go around hurting others even unintentionally like a bull in a china shop. Even with treatment. No proven study shows those with NPD or ASPD can be taught the full spectrum of empathy cognitive and affective empathy. Especially malignant subtypes with sadism. I also want to add, that I know Jacob’s ex. He is in serious treatment and recently abused her. This fact alone (so even a prominent self aware narcissist in treatment) does make me lose hope in your more optimistic viewpoints.
Like I said in the video, treatment depends on the individual. There is a wide spectrum of possible presentations in pathological narcissism and NPD. Some individuals will have more impaired empathy than others. Some have more resiliency or other capacities that aid in treatment and recovery. Timing is also a factor. People who aren’t ready for treatment now may be ready in the future. These things are also true for any personality disorder.
Empathy, compassion and altruism aren't the same things. Empathy means mirroring others' feelings and emotions, including bad ones. If you deep into serial killers' histories, you notice almost all of them had normal or high empathy. Sadists with higher empathy are more vile and "exquisite" in their torturing than psycopaths without empathy.
I do believe some, like myself lack emotional empathy. Although we do have cognitive empathy and can even show compassionate empathy. But what bothers me about myself is that even though I can show care and love and mean it. Actually I do find I am more empathetic if I am not emotionally disregulated or guarded. If I'm triggered, I lack empathy, or if I'm very focused on a desired outcome, I also lack empathy.
I don't know why do you think that being shy justifies some pwNPD. They can be as hurtful as overt one. Sometimes probably even more. And their quite and shy facade is deceptive. also, I can understand it's a mental illness, but in personal contact with them when you state they hurt they can just parrot, literally repeat your words and that's all. Yes. As stupid as that. I'm talking about my father only
It is treatable but not curable. If anyone is managing it with out harming people around him or her. That person deserves sainthood no questions asked.
true if i told the narcs i know they will think that i am insulting them and there is no way they cold be narcs it is impossible for them to be narcs what a lost cause it hurts sometimes to know my mom and sister has this i gave up them changing
That's a good question with a complicated answer. I try to stay away from this topic because I know that Vaknin is polarizing (like Ramani), and I worry throwing my hat too assertively into the ring will distract from the message. There are some things I think he gets right, others I think he gets very wrong.
This video respond to a doubt that in have. What is really possible to accomplish with people with NPD? Because I use to have unrealistic expectations in the sense of "cure". As you said, the concept of cure comes from medicine an it is mostly the idea of remission of symptoms and the elimination of something to bring homeostasis. I'm not diagnosed with NPD but I can see clearly N traits and a boderline dynamic underlying it. I also clearly see me as cptsd. I had the impression that I have asd because of my social difficulties but I suspect that some cptsd traits can be similar in appearance as asd caracteristics, dissociation for example.
I find it hard to care about their inner unhappiness, I have been the victim of these people multiple times, they are shocker liars Ann’s and get a kick out of hurting you, so I really do not care about their problems.
Thanks. In addition to making these, I also have a full practice and an academic job. It's hard to find the time. I'm working on making it more of a priority. :-)
This is interesting. Those of us who are dealing with a likely narcissistic personality at work need tips on what to do so that person begins the healing process. Based on my understanding of NPD from your videos, they will reject literally anything that goes against their sense of self, so how would they ever begin to seek any self driven or clinically driven treatment?
What is the percentage % of Narcissist w/ NPD being actually treated (no such things as cured), where those around them are able to “relax and no longer feel traumatized” by the narcissist with NPD?
@risingeagle6332 - I understand from your comments that you’ve been through a lot with your ex-partner. I think it’s important to emphasize that not all individuals with pathological narcissism are like that. The video emphasizes that point as well. NPD is not a fancy term for abuser, and it involves considerable suffering and distress for the person afflicted with it as well as (sometimes) those around that person. I can’t speak to your individual experience, but even if your ex had diagnosable NPD (I may be reading your comments wrong but it looks like multiple clinicians did not diagnose her), it doesn’t mean that she is representative of everyone or even most people with NPD. That is a major reason that I started this channel. I would argue that the majority of people with pathological narcissism act out toward themselves more often than they do other people. There is a reason that this disorder is strongly correlated with depression and suicide. Vulnerable expressions of NPD are not widely recognized, even though they really constitute the ‘heart’ of the disorder. Grandiose expressions of NPD and even abusive expressions of NPD stem from underlying fractures and wounds in the person’s self. They stem from severely unstable self-esteem. Those issues are the core of NPD. I have worked with many people who have those core issues but are not actively terrorizing the people around them.
I thought about what you had to say a lot. Having known quite closely two different people who I believe to be malignant narcissists. Could they be helped if you could get past their defences? I mean probably but therein lies the problem. Once you get down into that very extreme end of narcissism, the defences are impenetrable. As to the question of evil; some of their actions are pretty indisputably evil. Do actions make the person? Well that is a philosophical question I suppose. At any rate, I admire your optimism and I do believe people who just have some strong narcissistic traits are treatable for sure.
what is healing with projection and making it conscious in the therapy? is it afterthought, when the client thinks about it or what exactly is it? or is projection a mere hinderance for growth and the client must see that he is doing that?
These are treatment approaches, but are there any successful cases? How possible is it to make any improvement with people who are unwilling to change by nature? I understand that it's possible, but practically speaking, it's extremely challenging.
They’re trying to fit into your perfect expectations, which they are trying to understand through your words and actions. They want to look like the best person so that you wont end up leaving
I think another misconception a lot of people think is if someone cheats on you or does you wrong that dosnt mean they’re a narcissist. That’s the first reply now
Does or doesn't? Pers, it's not my first thought, though cheating is kind of lame. I assosiate narcissist with certain behavioral patterns (and thought patterns) which include the constant need to distract from one's insecurities and project them onto others.
I think you're a good specialist in your field, so don't take it personal, please. Lots of information in your vids and in this vid concludes an explanation that pwNPD are not manipulators, but just are this way because they just are. Next you explain what go in their heads. Ok. I can undersnatd that, and I also read and listened a lot of information about that. Honestly, it doesn't realy justufy their behaviour. Most of their behaviour stems from their delusions. Now what? That's my impression of it. Guys have lots of delusions about themselves and others, they project on others, they take their disappointment in parnters inadequately. Now what? It's not that I don't know it or don't understand it. I know. I understand. That many of that isn't "malicious" manipulation, but... We can say this about pwBPD and other mental illnesses too. I don't know what to say about it except it's natural for people to think about theur own safety first. But narcissists think: "No, you think about me first". And they're the biggest victims always. Also, I'm not on board with the narrative that when narcissists are disappointed in their partners because they hoped for ideal love, they victimizy themselves too. Why do people start putting victimhood on a pedestal that much? They want to be a victim because they're disappointed? Please, let them be. But I don't want to be a victim with them.
I am no expert, to be sure. But it seems to me the real dilemma in treating NPD is the narcissist’s insistence that it’s everyone else who has the problem that needs to be fixed.
Yes, this is also true for some other personality disorders. The symptoms/issues tend to be egosyntonic, which means that the person doesn’t see them as problems. Instead, there is a tendency to believe that everyone else’s behavior is problematic because it doesn’t meet the individual’s preferences/needs/expectations. This dynamic is not limited to NPD.
@@healnpd I agree. But what seems to distinguish narcissists is this seeming inability to hold themselves accountable. A person might be forced to take a good hard and honest look at him/herself through some crisis or other but people I have known (I have no credentials to officially diagnose) to be narcissistic would seem to be incapable of doing this.
That’s true for a number of other personality disorders as well. The difference with NPD is that in a collapsed state people with NPD are actually more likely to take a look at themselves. This may or may not be a long enough window of opportunity to get established in meaningful treatment.
@@healnpd Your message gives me hope but I am not optimistic. Having gone through hell any hope of reconciliation was relinquished by me long ago. But maybe in that final moment when the narcissist experiences the ultimate “collapse,” as we all will one day, amends can be made to the Creator. As humans l think we all deserve that.
First, thank you for this video and channel. I was wondering if there is a link between NPD and maladaptive daydreaming. I would love to see a video about it. Thanks
@@Wasp239 Thanks for your reply. Actually, I was referring to MALADAPTIVE daydreaming. That is, a dysfunctional and intrusive type of daydream. I was wondering if that could be a way to create a false/grandiose self, in order to cope with vulnerability
@@enza3640I’ve heard that maladaptive daydreaming is connected to narcissistic personality disorder. Having fantasies about success, a love interest or things like taking revenge on someone who has hurt us can be something we all do from time to time - but when daydreaming becomes excessive & intrusive to the point that it disrupts our life (we neglect responsibilities etc) it’s definitely maladaptive and could qualify as a disorder. Intrusive thoughts can also be a result of OCD or GAD (anxiety), but in these cases intrusive thoughts are of a different nature. For example, OCD can cause us to overthink or over-plan things, because we are afraid of feeling out of control. OCD is also connected to perfectionism. Sometimes people assume that OCD is only how we act (like repetitive behaviors) but in therapy I learned that OCD can also present as obsessive thoughts. Intrusive daydreaming as a result of GAD often manifests as rumination about life regrets, death/illness, accidents or fear of social disapproval.
My life has been ruined by being around two narcissist with NPD and histrionic issues (undiagnosed). I’m still trying to recover from years of exposure to these toxic beings. I have been to over 30 therapist, counselors, clinicians, doctors, psychologist, psychiatrist and so on; not one recognized my wife as a Narcissist. Narcissist with NPD are very destructive. My wife raged frequently and would turn our family life upside down constantly throughout the 32 years of our marriage. Her mother did the same. I was caught in the middle whenever they got upset with each other. I was the ping pong ball between two tornadoes. Jekyll-Hyde types are impossible people and will leave empaths like me utterly emotionally traumatized. Sucks!
You've been to 30 therapists, none of them recognized your wife as a narcissist, but then you watched some youtube video and had your moment of: "aha! All those 30 therapists were wrong and I'm the only one who knows what's actually going on!". Honestly, you don't aound very smart.
You are doing such a good job in spreading a more accurate understanding of a disorder that is more frequently than not misrepresented. Thank you!
Thanks! ☺️
Thank you so much for this very grounded and well-researched video. I want to thank you for not vilifying folks with this condition as their behavior is easy to vilify and their personality hard to love. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, said, “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help." Your videos are a pathway to sufferers having hope for this type of help.
Your videos have helped me so much with dealing with my own narcissistic tendencies after experiencing trauma… I feel so much less like a demon. Thank you.
I am heartbroken as I recently left a 28 year marriage to a person I believe has NPD. He refuses to see and take responsibility for his issues, etc. and just tells me everything is MY fault. He has had interpersonal fall-outs with so many people, friends, co-workers, etc. He is going to be alone if he won't seek help. I have deep compassion for him because I know his family origin and how/why he has it. The good thing is I have come to see my own pathology/codependency and have gotten excellent therapy (Schema) and am healing. I just wish the same for him.
I have a similar experience. Now 1,5 yrs divorced after 37 yrs miarrage. I have kept trying everything I could. I gave him my all. I so wanted to love him and make it work. But there was really no way he would let down his harnass. Everything was my fault, and I believed that. He denies, projects, hides behind a wall of word salad, argues over everything, wins at any cost. I so believed in his goodness. I gave all my love and empathy, but he really can't be vulnerable. Nothing can be discussed. Everything is drenched with shame: him projecting shame onto me. I absorb the shame and feel totally worthless, while he walks away proud and relieved and energized. After 1,5 yrs I am still a psychological shamble while he is happy with his new girlfriend. Why would he want to get treatment to change his ways? His projection works to protect himself, and he doesn't feel any empathy for my suffering. So the crux is not if npd is treatable, but whether someone with npd would want to grow and work on themselves. He was a good man in so many respects; it could have been so good. But he had to treat me with contempt and hostility to protect himself at my expense.
Well, that doesn't mean he has NPD. Maybe he's just an unrelatable jerk...
@@karindegraaf246I know that doesn't really help but my heart goes out to you. ❤ I hope you can live your life , do something with it in spite of this!
@@lanaivanovic5272Thank you ❤
@@karindegraaf246 I agree with almost everything you said. The only thing is he is not happy with his new girlfriend. He might feel a little better because she is clueless as to who he is underneath the stoic facade. He is getting some good feelings from her positive attention that help his ego maintain itself. But someone with NPD is never very happy other than brief periods of delusion like in the beginning of a new relationship. Even as he runs away from you, he can never run away from himself and his low self-image underneath it all. Not unless he goes and gets help from a good therapist like the one on this channel. He made you feel miserable because that's what he feels inside. It's not fair. But it's also not realistic to think he is now all of a sudden happy. Whatever the image he puts forth, it's another facade meant to prop up his fragile ego.
I was thinking EXACTLY how you said in your comment and then one day I had a mutual friend swing by out of the blue just to tell me that my ex and his new girlfriend (he cheated on me with and posted intimate pics and words all over FB page) are now doing hard core drugs and he's losing business from his irresponsible behavior. The friend was done with him too as my ex was burning all his bridges now. Here I thought his life was good and I was struggling with the mess he left. Turns out I was on the upswing mentally and he (and her) were spiraling down. He had so many people in his corner helping him with building his business and he collapsed from the pressure of expectations and internal conflict. I don't know you or your ex, but I'm sure he did not have a psychological overhaul because he met someone new. I know this doesn't take away your pain and I'm sorry about that. But at the very least I hope you know that it's an illusion to think he is happy while you suffer. You actually have the better chance of healing and recovery because you are actively educating yourself and hopefully engaging in healing practices. My heart goes out to you. The pain of betrayal is unimaginable.
Thank you so much for putting this information into the world, having access to this is helping me so much to understand myself and my mental health for the first time in my life and is the first time I’ve felt like I actually have the right information to heal and finally have hope that I have a brighter future. Please keep it up, people need this.
Will do.
My mother had histrionic and narcissistic disorder and she split me all the time. One time she called me all good things and being nice and kind, next time, after an hour she called me a monster. As a child and even a grown adult I couldn't understand what happened and that it wasn't my problem. But as she continued doing it for 30 years I ended up with split personality where I thought about myself as (almost) fully good and then a fully evil monster, a villain. I couldn't grasp of who I was, and even was I? Was I even real? Do I even exist? That was a common question, and I'm still recovering from her.
❤️
@lisakaler4121 - What was the question? I saw someone recounting a difficult and confusing time in their life. They wondered if they were even real because they were treated so inconsistently. I thought the best response was to let them know that people care, and that their experience was heard. Maybe you saw something different.
Did you live with you'r mom for 30 years
The popular view on narcissism is really little more than hitting an aggressive dog and then wondering why it doesn't change, let alone "heal".
I often hear from family members who want me to somehow scold or punish their loved one into ‘health.’
No, it isn't. We are not dogs
Bad example and bad analogy. But if you insist on keeping this track, mad dogs are put down.
I know it's a bad analogy, that's the point I was trying to make. Sorry if I was unclear. @@Wasp239
I agree that the popular view of NPD is super toxic and disempowering, as well as incredibly counterproductive. Like a physically abusive parent beating their kid to "teach" the kid not to hit other kids at school- which only exacerbates the problem and inflicts more abuse on an already hurt child...I assume that's the kind of analogy you spoke of. The "scorned victim" and "narc bashing" culture being promoted these days is damaging to everyone on both sides and keeps everyone stuck in a place of pain and paralysis.
I don't think people understand how bad NPD is , until experiencing it firsthand, I admit I was utterly clueless on the condition, until dating a woman with NPD. It was only until after the relationship, feeling utterly bewildered, I jumped online and everything made sense
I'm so glad you put your videos on the Internet, because most of the videos on the Internet describe Narcissists as monster that's are 'Out to Get You',
obviously l don't think that way.
I believe in looking at their history,
because if you hear how a Narcissist became a Narcissist in the first place, you can't help but
feel empathy.
Thank you for this video and channel. Being a narcissist in therapy it helps me and gives some hope when I encounter some compassion towards people with this condition. Moreover given the fact that a humane perspective on this condition is rare in the media.
And what have u learnt so far?
Playing a victim as usual, even more now. That manipulation always works for them.
@@madamebovary2829 Here’s a novel idea: maybe don’t assume the worst of an absolute stranger just because they share a trait with someone who hurt you
@@madamebovary2829not really empathetic from you. This person you don't even know is putting an effort to heal, and you're spreading hate towards them because *someone else* hurt you.. guess who's the abusive one here? I suggest you to look for your own traits of narcissism as you could be surprised, a lot of "empaths" who always look for a scapegoat to deflect blame have unmanaged npd themselves, and the fact (let me guess) you had a relationship with an abuser doesn't mean it's not possible to have npd, as this disorder is not even about abuse. Clearly you haven't even understood what this disorder is about. Basically you came here seeking for approval by invalidating the experience of someone you don't even know and then you have the guts to call them a manipulator.. sounds familiar?
@@madamebovary2829stop projecting
You know, I'm not sure if I have NPD -- I'm realizing it could just be very extreme social anxiety -- but I want to thank you so much for putting out videos like these. You're doing a real service. I would never have been able to find this information in the current climate otherwise.
Even if I don't have this disorder, I am so very grateful to you for improving my understanding of and empathy for pwNPD. You've relieved some of my fear when it came to possibly having it. Why should I be scared to be one of the pwNPD when there's someone out there fighting so hard to help them be understood? You're really spectacular.
17:14 this is a good point, that, it also means, having a mental illness is not an excuse for abuse or abusive behaviour.
Every time I get disheartened about modern discourse around narcissism I see one of your videos and get a little more hope lmao. Great video as always!
Thanks!
Yeah it's really nice to see accurate, balanced information.
Thank you for not jumping on the CZcams pop psychology hype of narcissism. This is important for both people with npd or some narc traits and those around them.
I’ve actually been trying to sit down with myself and figure out if I have any narcissistic traits. This channel is helping me figure out what.
Generally speaking, even just the willingness to ask yourself that question indicates that you're not a narcissist in the clinical sense. They aren't introspective because of the mechanism of the disorder steers them away from looking inside with critical intent. Usually the first time they hear about narcissism is in a therapist's office after they have been coerced into meeting with a professional. Everyone displays occasional flares of narcissistic behavior. Selfishness or unempathic attitudes are intrinsic to being human. It only becomes a disorder when it's a daily occurrence that persists in all relationships and environments, and it negatively impacts the person's life. It is very healthy to take a look at your patterns with curiosity and honesty, trying to spot places to create positive change. If you do see patterns you feel are troublesome, working with a pro to determine your best course of action is a kind, brave, healthy thing to do. Things that look like narcissism can actually come from a variety of disorders, so it's conducive to recovery to find the label that leads to the right treatment. My father is clinically diagnosed with NPD and ASPD, so I know what it really. looks like, and I myself have CPTSD and ADHD, which can also look narcissistic at times, but his treatmentand mine are far different. I guess I just want to say that I encourage your journey and if you're questioning yourself, that's a level beyond where most narcissists dwell in daily life. Whatever brought you here, I hope you find relief from difficulties and always know you are a being of worth, deserving of acceptance and positive regard exactly as you are.
@@weaviejeebies Sadly, that thing about being introspective enough to wonder if you're a narcissist disqualifying you from being one is not only a myth, but it is a very damaging one (along with the myth about them having no empathy), as it so often discourages or denies people with NPD from getting or seeking the right kind of help. Even many professionals subscribe to this myth, which is a tragic oversight. And though I am not at all invalidating your experience with your father, I must remind you for the sake of the original poster, that you know what NPD looks like in your father- not in everyone with NPD. There are many variables and and even comorbidites that make presentation differ greatly by individual.
I spoke only from personal experience, which does extend well beyond my father, and the good intention of encouraging them to seek a professional opinion. The tendency to not engage in a great deal of introspection isn't particularly mythic to me in the population of professionally dx'd pw/NPD that I've met. I'm not a mental health professional or a mind reader, nor have I met every flavor of narcissist out there, but in the many I have met, lower than average levels of self-reflection are present to varying degrees in all of them. Not a single one of them can I imagine actually browsing CZcams to dig deeper. If they would, the people I work for would have a lot less to fret about. Pw/NPD have a hard enough time as it is getting through a regular day without their defenses kicking in to steer them away from self-accountability. What brought OP here could be narcissism, but it could also be a lot of other things. That's why working with a qualified professional is the right thing to do.
@@weaviejeebies Yes, that's a clarification on personal experience that the OP might benefit from hearing, thank you. Low self-reflection is not synonymous with never questioning if one is a narcissist or has NPD. (And food for thought- not being able to imagine any of the diagnosed NPD folk you know ever browsing CZcams to dig deeper is not proof that they haven't done so. It just means that the way they have presented themselves to you and maybe the public, etc looks as if they never introspect or find fault in their behavior. Many, if not most NPD folk beat themselves up internally and introspect through a quite negative self talk lense...they just try to hide it from the public and limit when it happens because that lense makes it incredibly unpleasant, if not abusive to endure. It explains the reluctance, and even suppression via alcohol/substance abuse. All of us do and think and feel many things that some other people wouldn't assume we do. Assumptions are not facts, no matter how factual they feel.) I personally know 2 who did question it after several years and a few failed relationships with women who accused them of being narcissistic. Inevitably, in low moments, they began to question logically- that perhaps multiple people in their lives were on to something. It's much more common for NPD folk in vulnerable states to question and seek help. So the most important thing- which has nothing to do with you nor I- is that nobody struggling with NPD ever gets discouraged or accidentally led away from the right kind of help, or from seeking a diagnosis from a WELL trailed therapist. (1 of those 2 friends I mentioned suffered for several extra years in confusion, on his own, because of the "If I'm asking, I must not be one" myth. And he is lucky to be alive today because he is/was very high risk. Regretfully, and admittedly, I used to be one of the friends who mistakenly consoled him with that introspection myth. He'd been misdiagnosed as BPD yrs prior, which wasn't helping him nearly enough- thus reinforcing his feelings of failure and brokenness. I wish I had known then what I know now about NPD.)
@weaviejeebies From my experience this is not true. Every person with NPD I know, including myself, are always asking themselves: "what is wrong with me?", we are our worst critic.
You should always mention that you speak from your personal experience, you don't speak the absolute truth.
Please remember that we are human beings, we come in different shapes and forms.
I really appreciate your channel, and your empathetic point of view. My understanding of the reason narcissism is not treatable is that a narcissist won't seek treatment. My anecdotal experience with the narcissist in my life is that she will not seek counseling, because admitting she might be wrong about anything is impossible for her. I feel for her...the vulnerability, depression and low self esteem is painful to see. She knows she has damaged her relationships, but she will go to her grave without seeking any kind of counsel.
I am so happy to hear this. I know someone who I believe is being helped. He tells me how he feels, not always flattering to himself, how he is working on changing those feelings, etc. He is a good person who has known a lot of pain, is reflecting in his therapy and will continue therapy. It is hard enough to be dealing with NPD in oneself without being discarded and viewed as worthless, ruthless, and incapable of living a good healthy life. None of us is perfect. I feel badly because I listen to people online who have good intentions, who are trying to protect me, leaving me fearful of my friend and his intentions. I was concerned because he says he feels we have a future together, but we are not moving forward. I have been told to be patient while he is in treatment. He is in my prayers. Thank you for this video.
u should be aware of their process and also trust ur gut, but u prolly shouldnt listen too much to people who dont know ur friend specifically, especially since ur friend wants to improve
Thank you for your response.@@alpha5873
No one else I knew needed help. I did not know he needed help for a number of months. He had contacted me to say he liked my online replies to people because he thought I was making a difference. He said the world is a mess. We continued to talk, but still have not met. I am very cautious. I will wait and see how he does.@@henryhandel
narcissists will fake and lie to get what they want. Shocker. Stay safe, people.
@@theCZcamsHandle - _"Devil's advocate"_ You know who else, will? Pretty much, everyone... Have you heard of _'masking'?_ People can't take other's power, that others don't first, give-up, or allow it. (obviously, it's more nuanced, than that). As an ex-victim, continuing survivor, and looking into my potential (and some realized), narcissistic-traits - Protect yourself, without attacking others... otherwise, it's just another day of war, and no peace... Thank you, sincerely. ☮ 💟 🤗
I am probably a vulnerable one. I recently started watching your content and i notice that your tone and overall demeanor is very neutral with no trace of condescension and i really like that. I am shameful and have a fear based perception so its absolutely difficult to deal with the topic alone but your delivery is helping. It has been good for a while now and i was on the way building self-esteem but i had no idea how to protect my energy and it is to this day bewildering to me how malignant type narcissists can become communal and even work together to exploit others. They ate me up and spat me out. I rejoice because now I can be 7 years old again. I took a slightly longer vacation and let my gentlemen believe that I was feeling really bad. They were as happy as snow kings and I was laughing up my sleeve because now I can take care of my healing while they believe that their food is returning in good health so that the cycle can be repeated. This is the dumbest shit that I have ever experienced. 0/10 would not recommend.
I think your videos are absolutely fantastic - you’re the only person who I think actually truly understands what a narcissist thinks and feels. It is a personality disorder and just like with any mental illness- they need help.
My question is (as I’m currently doing through this) - how do you get someone who’s suffering with NPD to accept the issue and understand they need help? From my experience- there believe they are absolutely fine - you’re the problem. Again in my experience they acknowledge they have anxiety, in certain episodes you see the lack of self-confidence whenever they maybe slightly criticised. But this blows up into a rage of loathing to the other person.
So I agree they can be helped and supported but trying to admit they have an issue is the hardest part. If a person cannot find fault within themselves -how do you treat them?
This is my favorite video of yours!! I am interested in the possibility of pwNPD feeling new emotions during treatment. I recently saw a TikTok where someone claimed people with NPD have a hard time feeling joy or contentment, and struggle to mourn, and bothered by apathy. Is it possible to heal and learn these things? You addressed it a bit in the video but I would love to learn more :)
I am delighted with your information. Coming from a narcissistic type family including a narcissistic identical twin, you can imagine I grew up confused by actions but full of love and empathy for the unfortunate family members imprisoned by their maladaptive outlook in life. I married what I grew up with. I did a deep dive into understanding all that I could read, just hoping to help us all. My journey has led me to try to show that I do not ever want to abandon them, but I have certain boundaries that can not be crossed. These are simple boundaries of respect and mutual consideration. I have had limited success, but I have encouragement my this broadcast and I look forward to finding additional therapy for us with your out look and understanding.
Good luck Judy. I'm in a similar situation
Good video Dr. Ettensohn. Couple things I’d like to say. One, I think part of the issue is when people become attached to a diagnosis. People can have a narcissistic adaptation, and it can improve later with treatment and hard work. The label they give themselves can become a self fulfilling prophecy if they hold on to it too tightly. For most people with a personality disorder, their time would be better spent working on their behaviors rather than defending the labels.
Not all people with personality disorders are abusive. However, many people with personality disorders are indeed abusive. They may not be abusive because of their diagnosis, but they can still be abusive. I think people who have been abused can have their experiences validated and be told not all narcissists are abusive.
I always say, behaviors are more important than labels. If someone is mistreating others, doesn’t matter what their label is.
And if someone has a personality disorder, best you can do is work on it and don’t worry about what others say about it. In fact, your diagnosis isn’t really anyones business unless they are very close to your life.
Now the people who have these adaptations and aren’t aware of them or don’t get help, not much for others to do in that scenario.
Dr. RAMNEY runined me for so long... made me feel like a monster and led to suicidal thoughts constantly. I just kept listening to her and I dove deeper into my collaspe. SO thankful to find heal npd... true understanding and has given me hope.
I felt terrible about myself after listening to Dr. Ramani as well and I was dx npd,hpd once in 1980s. I am not grandiose rather can't read body language and facial expressions. I hear you, I'm sorry this happened to you too.
I feel for both of you and am very glad you found this channel and thus therapists who are actually qualified and able to help you heal. I find that as someone who deals with c-ptsd and has had family and partners on the NPD & BPD spectrum- she does much damage to both NPD folk and their loved ones with very damning, demonizing misinformation. It keeps everyone stuck in blame, shame, and victimization/victimhood. I too, was temporarily misled by her- I didn't fall for most of the demonizing hyperbole, but I was misled into thinking it was a mostly untreatable condition. What an awful, dangerous, and vengeful "resource" to subject any demographic to.
Thank you both for saying this. I needed to hear it.
Dr Ramini is toxic. She's responsible for encouraging people to be abusive which for many narcissists is why they are narcissists in the first place.
Thank goodness for you and your MUCH needed voice, work, and practice! (And I say this as someone who has been partnered with a good man who suffers from vulnerable NPD)
PS: I would love to see you offer a video addressing intermittent reinforcement from both sides of this NPD manifestation, and hopefully some tips for both parties as well. If and when you have time, of course. Thank you.
Thanks for the suggestion, and thanks for watching. 🙂
@@healnpdYou're welcome. I very recently found your work and am waiting on your book to be shipped. Your perspective finally made sense of this illness for me. I have plans to start school next yr focusing on fusing psychology and holistic nutrition- and now this really inspires me to broaden my understanding and aspiring training to the full scope of treatment for cluster B disorders as well.
Best of luck in your schooling. 🙂
Great video. I've seen how different people with NPD diagnosis present and I've seen many recover (or heal). I've seen the misconceptions that people who have NPD are always abusers, do it on purpose and will never change. I remember reading a comment on another video where the commenter was calling for a public register of people diagnosed with NPD. It's really scary how people lash out against those they are encouraged to hate
"do it on purpose". Everybody behaves automatically.
Alot of that is to help the victim leave the relationship because the hope of change keeps them hooked. Truthfully the Nac can't change within the same relationship. They can change with another partner. Ive seen it. Also, the victim isn't in the place where they are able to look at themselves and what they did wrong. They can't afford to look at themselves because self blame will keep them trapped. But years after the breakup you will hear them talk about their own mistakes.
@@catherineblair550 I see what you're saying but maybe my point wasn't clear. The group of people I stumbled across believe :
1) all narcissists abuse (this is not supported by the diagnostic criteria)
2) only narcissists abuse (this is a misunderstanding of what it means to be abused, no label is required to decide if someone is being abused)
3) narcissists intentionally abuse (very complicated assumption)
4) all people with NPD or narcissistic traits should be publicly named on a register, even if they are not a criminal or have done nothing to warrant it, because of the above assumptions (the reasoning being "it's just a matter of time"). This is especially concerning when you consider the rates of misdiagnosis of NPD among the neurodiverce population and the violence being suggested by the group.
The posts I saw were not from people in abusive relationships, although some spoke about narcissistic exes, other's were angry because they believed the above assumptions. They are taught that narcissism = abuse so they feel justified to lash out. Narcissism is a human trait we all have to varying degrees, abuse is a crime, and NPD is a diagnosis.
These were not victims being encouraged to leave, as a survivor I felt like I was reading the justification of perpetrators
I really appreciate the information you offered here. I think for people with trauma and codependency we almost need, at least at first, to see NPD as black and white because we need to get away from the person who is harmful for us. I was with my ex for 14 years and what you said about the psychotic NPD described him well. He wasn't willing to get more help or assessment - I don't know for sure if he has NPD but it seems possible to me and perhaps likely. But he wasn't willing to get help and I was not going to survive that situation so I had to go.
This video is awesome. Your channel is helping me with my progress so much. Thank you for all the info
Great to hear!
21:15
This is so true.
I dated NPD, and in the love bomb stage, I scared him by telling about a health crisis I was dealing with. He fainted!!! I was so worried and helped him to get back on his feet (he didn't fake it. He literally became white and lost his balance).
In the beginning, I was wondering if he cared so much about me that he responded that way, but straight after that the devaluation started, and I realized looking back that I broke his NPD brain while he idealized me.. Like a little kid finding out Santa is not real, and I'm not perfect 😅
Lol what. This is the first time I'm hearing something like this.😅
@@7prudent its true, ive met people w/ npd in therapy who admitted that the love bomb-devaluation cycle is about truly believing that this person they put on a pedestal is going to fix and save them, and when they find out they are not perfect, it causes total collapse of their psyche and they split on the person believing that they are actually the reason everything is bad, its really similar to other personality disorders in "cluster B" where we see this huge dramatic switch between worship and discard. narcissists tend to be avoidant, so the splitting looks more like "i never cared about you and you have no relevence in my life" than "how could you ruin my life and abuse me i hate you!!" like we see in borderline personality disorder.
That's hilarious. You're right in describing it as breaking his NPD brain.
Thank you for your clarity. Your videos are extremely useful and helpful.
Fascinating on information from memory. Awesome work.
I overcame my strong narcissistic traits in my 30's using a Jungian self exploration method (know thyself) and quit a long standing alcoholism problem at the same time. Ironically, I did it for love. That "love" turned out to be for a covert NPD who fooled me for nearly 30 years. I felt I had no choice but to abandon the relationship, to my eternal sadness. Nevertheless, I very much appreciate your clear explanations, the knowledge gained is extremely helpful.
Again logically and clearly presented from an emphatical perspective.
My NPD father would be the very first one to call absolutely everything you say in this video BS because “there is nothing wrong with him and you are just an over educated quack trying to convince him he has a mental illness”
And there in lies the problem. All the understanding in the world isn’t going to convince somebody with NPD that they have a mental illness and need help.
In fact they will likely resent you for it. So while it is theoretically treatable it is practically impossible in the real world where the actual abuse survivors live because for every narcissist that actually tries getting help there are probably ten thousand abusing their scapegoats behind closed doors.
Generally, personality disorders are characterized by inflexible adherence to maladaptive thoughts and coping strategies that the person doesn’t recognize to be problematic. This makes all personality disorders difficult to treat. Difficult, but not impossible as long as there is buy-in from the individual.
I’m really thankful to have found this channel.
My interest in NPD started as something I wanted to research for a writing project to see if my character actually had it or not. In the process of my research, I did notice a heavy trend of how people portrayed everyone with it as monsters etc, but it really hit me when I was trying to look into personal testimonies from people with NPD who may have converted to Christianity. (I wanted to know what that journey would be like and how they might perceive such submission to God when the grandiose features were most of what I was aware of)
And with those set of search terms, I ended up finding a lot of people who claimed a genuine conversion from someone with NPD would be impossible.
Now that is something very troublesome to see considering Christianity is for everyone, especially sinners/lost/broken/downtrodden and etc. So the notion that a lot of people felt this way stuck with me considerably.
It is so troublesome and dark....
But since it left such an impression on me, I’ve kept looking into NPD here and there despite already figuring out that my character likely doesn’t have NPD (though sometimes I’m still unsure the more sympathetic things I learn).
I kind of just dealt with peoples weird and dehumanizing comments during my poking around, but very recently I found one person with clips on yt who implied having success in treating NPD and who was very kind about them. I was floored! And because I kept looking at that, this channel started being recommended as well.
I’m so glad there are people who are helping people with NPD. Even before I knew much about the harder realities of suffering NPD, I thought it had to be so hard to go through if you wanted help, as it would seem like the whole world was against you.
It’s great to know there’s not only some quality resources for people suffering NPD, but also a lot more hope than I realized at the start of my research
Hello! Thank you for this video, always love to see new content from you, Dr! ☺️ just wondering if you would be willing one day to discuss anything about 'as if' personalities/quiet bpd (though i know this isn't an official term)
Or anything on schizoid dynamics?
And lastly, anything on erotomanic /limerence would be so greatly appreciated.
Best wishes!!
Thanks for educating us. I'm envious of your talent for expressing nuance.
I agree, he is very gifted.
Thanks for your feedback and for watching. 😊
Again, such a wholesome perspective. One that holds the person's humanity at the center. Thank you.
❤️
Wow, I’m pretty shocked by how misinformed the main NPD youtubers are making people! Grannon for example telling everyone that the Npd sufferer know all the time what they are doing.. and that when they split (idealise) they’re just faking- this is so damaging! Both to the sufferers and the people hurt by their behaviour.
The splitting being real makes so much more sense of my experience. I’m not saying that people should use this as an excuse to stay in toxic dynamics, but misinforming about the illness literally stops people from acknowledging their condition and seeking help, surely we should all want people with Npd to be able to heal?
I'm wondering if some people get ASPD confused with NPD or ASPD with Narcissistic, borderline traits. Black and white thinking is also present in NPD.
I hope DrRamani and other “authorities” watch your videos and try to balance understanding and offering that to people instead of the whole NPDs are just assholes.
NPD is not just simply a “mental illness”.
I know. I was around two people with undiagnosed NPD for 32 years. (Comorbidity with other psychological disorders was present as well.).
Nothing I could do. I was constantly misdiagnosed in therapy, since I was emotionally distressed…ended up with Severe Depression and CPTSD. Sucks.)
No way to say that NPD is just a simple mental illness.
My wife was truly abusive physically, emotionally and verbally.
Since I was a male, I was able to manage her at times when she got physical, only to find her escalating. I started feeling that my life was in danger often; many sleepless nights.
Again; NPD is just not a simple “mental illness”. I say its a Personality Disorder that is extremely hard and difficult to treat. Curing this disorder is “utterly unlikely”.
My wife and her mother refused to be diagnosed properly. Any time a therapist made an attempt; they would clam up or refuse to disclose their results. I was always transparent about my results; anxiety & severe depression and no personality disorder.
I found myself alone in therapy constantly trying to get my relationship with my wife to improve; trying to figure what the heck was going wrong in our marriage. My wife always said I was the one with the mental illness; I could do nothing right in her eyes, nor her mothers. Their rages were always over the top.
I got diagnosed last year with level 1 ASD - female profile, but sometimes I doubt my dx and I think I may have a personality disorder as well/instead of.
I thought HPD earlier this year, but I think the attention-seeking part is not severe enough.
I relate to a lot of what you say about NPD, the vulnerability and difficulty with self-esteem. I just find it so confusing because I feel like I’m not allowed to question my ASD dx. If I decided to tell my questioning in the ASD support group, I would get responses like ‘No, you are not an evil narcissist, you’re a beautiful neurodivergent person’ etc.
Seems like it’s quite hard to differentiate the traits of the two. For example, idolizing can be construed as a person having a specific interest. And in my eval, they did not do differential diagnosis to rule out personality disorders. So I’m left wondering 😢
Cathy if you have the feeling not being happy with your diagnosis, trust your gut. Look for another mental health provider.
Personality disorders are not that common and are very difficult to diagnose, especially with covert NPD.
Good luck 🍀 ❤❤❤❤
@@ginaqc78 thank you for your answer. I actually have a psych eval on the 23rd :) I hope it will be a comprehensive evaluation, not a checklist that anybody can find on Google 🫠
Autism and NPD often can be comorbid as well, I have both. Makes sense considering that NPD stems (mostly) from trauma, and trauma is prevalent in autistics in higher rates
@@mecurtsum thank you for acknowledging that ASD and personality disorder aren't mutually exlusive.
Yes I also get dismissed whenever I bring up potential NPD. Professionals who don't know anything about it other than the stereotype are quick to jump to my defense to tell me that I'm not a narcissist, because I am kind/feel guilt/aren't horrible to them. But this means that my behaviours and the root cause are never worked on because the notion of it is dismissed so quickly. Fact is my trauma profile matches NPD completely. I was rejected because I was autistic and so I had to create a false self to compensate. It's really a breath of fresh air for channels like this to exist so that I can actually start to heal.
I'd love a video going more into devaluing cycles, and a video explaining what a narc crash is, I never seem to understand what that means because it doesn't make sense to me what it is, and I see different explanations every time I look.
Do you mean narcissistic collapse not crash? There's a lot of information on narcissistic collapse online if you look it up
I appreciate your videos. My dad seems to have NPD, and he's now retired and it has gotten more difficult for him with a lot of substance abuse and isolation. My family has mostly abandoned him in almost every way, but I see pain in how he's living and I know he's difficult and abusive at times, but I don't think he's evil. I think he's suffering. I think he may also have a form of autism or bipolar, but he would never see a therapist, ever. I think he's just like a drowning cat -- and I'd still want to help the cat even if I get scratched up. But big gloves are a good call. I hope you do more of these videos because the popular ones by Dr Ramani and whatnot are just heartless. They act like they are talking about a person who doesn't deserve any empathy, any consideration for their own suffering, and that they have no path forward. Who would condemn someone with a mental illness like this and call themselves a mental health professional? Why? Maybe they just don't know how to treat them so they throw them all away? I have seen a ton of those videos and it makes me feel so profoundly sad to see such contempt about even a theoretical person with a health disorder of any kind. Anyway, wondering if you can do a video about autism & NPD or bipolar & NPD - what happens when someone has both? Or all 3? Is that possible? What is a step of treatment for someone who won't seek therapy or take medication? How can family members help make things easier for them? Thanks for your time and videos, looking forward to more of them
Thank you for this. My sister has covert NPD and as she has aged (now 75 years old), it has gotten much worse. At my insistance, she did go to a therapist once as she was feeling depressed, but her behaviour continued to worsen to the point that we (her family) have gone no contact. What percentage of people with NPD actually seek out, then remain, in therapy? Is it more successful for younger people with NPD as opposed to older individuals, such as my sister? Her behaviour is so entrenched and continues to worsen, so the possibility of her benefitting from therapy are practically nil as she will not accept that dhe needs help. Her grandiosity will not allow it.
Once again, thanks for the video. I have a question also.
Basically about to years ago I learned about NPD and for me it was an "sounds like me" moment. Since then I found some online NPD communities and I feel like I finally found a group of people who can understand me and who I can understand.
The problem is that since june I have started actual therapy and I brought up to my therapist the suspicion that I have NPD. But she says that I'm not arrogan/extraverted enough to be a narcissist. Instead I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, which isn't exactly wrong, but I feel like narcissism captures my internal experience better. Also SAD, unlike NPD, is not sexy at all 😢.
At the same time, your descriptions of pathological narcissism sound like they're about me.
Could you comment your thoughts about my situation?
P.S. currently I do idealize my therapist, even though we disagree on N topic.
I like your videos. You are very articulate and you shed a lot of light. I don’t agree that victims of narcissistic abuse are punishing the narc abuser into their bad behavior. That is what I am hearing you say. Most of us were clueless as to what the hell is going on with this person. We didn’t even know about NPD. We just endured the relentless attacks while we ask ourselves “Why is this person always mad about something?” “Why do they assign negative thoughts and feelings to me that actually never occurred to me.” “Why the hell won’t they believe me when I tell them my ACTUAL feelings and thoughts?” We can’t help them and they definitely don’t think they need help. So what next? There’s nothing else but no contact. The advice given to the abused is to save them, not to make the point that the narc can’t be helped. They just can’t be helped by us!! It’s ok to give up hope on them. In fact it is crucial. I thank God everyday I did.
Thanks for watching. I'm at a bit of a loss concerning one thing in your comment, about the victims of abuse punishing the abuser into bad behavior. That is certainly not an opinion that I hold, and I can't think of where in the video it may have seemed like I was saying that. To which part are you referring?🤔 I do believe that many online resources collapse the complexity of this disorder into narrow dichotomies. I get why they do that and even agree that people who are trying to leave an abusive relationship often need conrete perspectives to help resolve their own indecision. I don't think people should stay in that place, though. My content may not be suitable for someone just poking their head above the surface of an abusive relationship.
Thank you for your response. I can tell that you are coming from the perspective of hope for treating narcissistic people and I can appreciate the importance of your perspective. Our society needs hope for these broken people. Thank you for your work. My only reaction to your content is that I suspect that your experience is not from the viewpoint of the victims. Almost all NPD content that is out there online is for the victims. So it may seem like narc bashing and that is not helping your cause. A good cause! But we need the help so badly! There’s just some verbiage in the video that makes it sound like victims should give narcissists a break and that is precisely what keeps us locked in with the cycle of abuse in the first place. That’s all. And to be clear, I am 10 years out of my narc experience. So it’s not me just getting air after the horror of it. I am well into recovery. I care about this topic from a victim perspective and you are here to find help for NPD sufferers. We are on the same side thank God. ❤
But, even if NPD is a risk factors, abusers are responsible for their abusive behavior, it is a choice is it not?
Can’t thank you enough for the videos on NPD! Many other channels on CZcams tell people what they want to hear and is easy to believe. Your content stands out.
I appreciate that!
Easy to believe when you've gone through all of that 🙌 there is nothing to "believe" when you witness it first hand.
Thanks for your videos Mark. I'm not NPD but I love to learn.
Due to stigma and suffering that accompanies this disorder it is the most admirable disorder to posess and cope with. So it comes to no surprise that i exibit it.
Lol! 😝
So is there a way to let the person know then that you suspect they have this disorder? I highly doubt my husband would take kindly to this information. I would love to get him help but feel hopeless at this point. We are at this point headed toward divorce because of his abusive behavior.
In my opinion, he won't agree to therapy unless his disorder hurts him. Or that is what i have seen. They will exhaust the last of the supplies available, and when they have no more, they sink into deep depression and that is when they seek help. Reasoning with pwNPD doesn't really work imo. Every time you say that your action is hurting me, they usually twist it according to their understanding of how you deserve abuse. It's pretty complicated. Instead of focusing on helping him at the moment, please focus on protecting yourself. If he want to get help ever, you can be there for him. But I believe you cannot make him see the problem with him abusing you, until he faces the brunt of it. Only when he realizes how his actions impact him, will he be ready to seek help and work on himself. You are precious. Take care of yourself. ❤️
I doubt there is. I realised i have been going through narcissistic abuse pretty late into our relationship only because of i noticed a decline in my mental state. I am really a very introspective person and i remember instances which bothers me mentally and emotionally and finding about npd made all the pieces fit right in and i knew what the problem was. I did not know how to confront her about it so i did some research and most of it said its futile and people with npd basically have no empathy. I wanted to belive otherwise and i confronted about my problems and how npd might be the reason for the way she is acting. All she said was that she doesnt care and i can leave the relationship if its bothering me so much and i broke up with her and i asked for no contact. The literal next day she called some old friend of hers and asked him out to hangout to send me a picture of them together and i belive they are dating now. Idk if thats what she wanted all along or just realized she does not have a enabler to her narcissism anymore. It really hurt me when she did not even take a day to replace me. I really hate narcissistic people so this comment might come out as misleading and hateful for a large group of people w npd but i am trying to tell this from the side of a abused person. Trying to tell her about it was where everything went downhill for me and since that day i have never felt safe getting into a relationship or even talking to anyone new. If it werent for this chanel i would not even consider them as humans.
The idea of being treated like a human being is extremely appealing to me.
Your work here is the backbone of my paradigm of pathological narcissism. Everything else on narcissism will be measured in comparison to this.
Also, I might be idealizing you right now. Sometimes I wonder if getting back with people on a regular basis is like going to Church to restore lost faith.
Your screen name is very creative. Thanks for watching and for letting me know you find the channel helpful.
I always seen this dynamic- that narcissists or mental disordered people are not glaringly different, even in the midst of the narcissism movement to identify narcissism. I think it is also misunderstood: they look like everyone else, use the same language, seem perfectly normal until you start to see the nuances that define the disorder.
This is the best channel on NPD. Can you suggests ways of helping someone with signs of NPD who might not be aware of them? I want to share my observations of them with them so that they can talk sooner about it with their psychologist but I know that would be crossing boundaries and might cause more damage than help. Thanks so much for your work.
In your experience, what is the statistic of successful treated NPD? With such hope, I feel better about this mental illness!
Yes, but how about those who were abused by the ones you are standing for? That was the worst time of my life, and I struggle to recover from covert narcissist every day. Again, the empaths are the ones who are expected to be sympathetic and understanding....after we were abused in the first place
@madamebovary2828 - As I stated in the video, I don’t think the abused/abuser paradigm is very helpful in the long run. Relationships are complicated, as is human psychology. Pathological narcissism and NPD are about faulty self-esteem regulation, not abuse. Like many other forms of mental illness, pathological narcissism can make abuse more likely in certain situations, but it doesn’t “cause” abusive behavior. I’ve specialized in this area of practice for a while now, and I’ve worked with many couples where one partner believes that the other is a narcissist. In over half of those cases, the partner is mistaken. This is caused by the culture of stigma surrounding NPD. People watch scandalizing videos, become grossly misinformed, and end up convinced that their loved one has NPD. The problem is they don’t know what they don’t know. They aren’t qualified to correctly determine what is happening, and they have been misled to think all forms of abuse are somehow ‘caused’ by narcissism. There is MUCH more to say about this disorder that has nothing to do with interpersonal abuse.
@@healnpd I had no idea about NPD until I realized that I was abused and manipulated, thus I had no stigma about NPD-I learnt it from what that person did to me. It is really awful to live through emotional abuse of covert narcissist when they present themselves as sheep in wolf clothes. I get it that some behavior such as ghosting and silent treatments sometimes (!) is a way to escape/avoid possible projected failure - I knew exactly when it would happen on the second round (he got too attached to me, and I could feel that; he told me he felt empty and that he didn`t know who he was - at that second round I was observing him with a knowledge, and it was by a "book"; kisses were too intense, like a teenage boy I had, despite this narc was in his 50`s). But many times, it is pure manipulation. Btw, we still live next door to each other, and he is on hoovering phase again.
@@healnpd"I don't think abused abuser paradigm is very helpful in the long run". No, sir. Then you're on the side of evil.
News flash: if someone does an aggressive action whether it's physical offence or verbal, they're an aggressor and they're an abuser.
And if someone responds to this attack, they defend themselves. But narcs always use darvo, and so do you. Best response from them would be "it takes two to tango" or "but you too did to me". Well, yes, I'm not going to stand speechless if you are aggressive towards me.
@wasp239 - I’m on the side of evil and using darvo tactics? Come on. Mental health is complex. Human relationships are complex. Pathological narcissism is complex. It has many different presentations…as many as there are sufferers of the disorder. But if we are to believe 99% of the videos on CZcams, narcissism is a two-dimensional construct: the abuser and the abused. One is bad, one is good. Collapsing complexity into static, polarized cardboard cutouts dehumanizes all involved. I am not saying abuse doesn’t happen or that it isn’t important.
I was in a nightmare for 32 years with two narcissist with NPD. I went into therapy for years with my wife and her mother. The therapist never diagnosed them properly.
I ended up being practically driven insane by them.
There is no cure for NPD. If there is, then the Narcissist with NPD will have to stay in therapy and treatment for a life time.
Those around them will have to as well.
Also, I have not found one therapist during my marriage who recognized my wife had NPD.
I have yet to meet a single person with treated (healed) NPD.
You’ve probably never met anyone that got treatment and I’m sure you’ve never met anyone who’s been diagnosed. You hear what you hear online exactly what he’s saying in the video
Its demonic , this should tell you that science doesn't have the answers to everything , science doesn't know about demons so it cannot know how to handle them let alone get rid of them , Say the Rosary and go for Mass , trust God to help you .
@@hix9306
There are always exceptions to the rule. I know of one; he said he has to stay in constant therapy and his wife has to do the same as well, since she is not a narcissist, and has chosen to stay married to him. He was diagnosed properly. He put his wife through a nightmare. I wish my wife would have let herself be diagnosed properly. She refused, and kept me mentally and emotionally twisted up by gaslighting me regularly.
There is truly no cure; the awaken narcissist has to stay constantly aware of his or her narcissism while staying intentionally vigilant on a day by day basis.
The lack of true empathy and the lack of being able to truly self-reflect and recognize their bad behavior is the problem. They can be taught to learn cognitive empathy, but will typically revert back to old patterns of behavior when they are not staying constantly vigilant.
My wife had periods; then she fully reverted back to old behaviors. Her mother did the same. It was like living inside a tornado.
You ever talk with Dr. Ramani Durvasula about your perspective?
I find it best to focus on myself and what I need to do. If ur wife doesn't want treatment she isn't required by law to seek treatment. That shouldn't stop u from getting treatment tho
They don’t seek treatment because they are often doing well. Lack of empathy makes it easy to climb the corporate ladder
I am almost 100% certain I am a narcissist (still not diagnosed). I recently exited a relationship with an amazing girl and I am suffering a lot at the moment. I want to end it all, I don't want to be like this, I didn't choose this, it is so unfair, why do some people become empaths and others narcissists?? How do I continue with life... I want to be a good person and have an identity of my own. I don't want to be fake and pretend all the time. I don't have any drive to do anything for myself. I am going to therapy but I am not being treated specifically as a narcissist but more as a traumatised person, and it helps me understand some things, but it also makes me believe I am not actually narcissistic, but rather a deeply wounded individual. But that is not the case. Once I come back home and start watching videos, shorts and reading online about narcissism, almost everything resonates with me and what I have done to people, and it makes me feel so anxious and sad.
What is the reason to live with NPD if you are an evil person in your core? Even if you are able to manage your behaviours, deep inside you are still a ''demon'', a ''vampire'' and all the other stuff they say, and you will still end up in Hell for all of that.
@alexanderraduan2416
"...it also makes me believe I am not actually narcissistic, but rather a deeply wounded individual."
People with pathological narcissism or NPD *are* deeply wounded individuals. I don't think I've ever worked with someone I would describe as 'evil in their core,' and I specialize in treating NPD. Go easy on yourself. Stay in treatment. Stop watching videos about narcissism unless they are from people who specialize in treating it. The rest of them won't be helpful to you, and they may in fact be harmful. Self-compassion and self-acceptance are central to healing from NPD. Acceptance doesn't mean indulging your worst impulses. It means accepting that they are there, forgiving yourself for the wounds that afflict you, and committing yourself to a path of healing and recovery. My best to you on your journey.
@@healnpd Thank you so much! ❤️
@@healnpdno, they're not narcissists because they are wounded. NPD is a defect in limbic system of the brain.
Thank you Alexander for having the courage to be so vulnerable here. If you can endure to sit with yourself and see (quote:)"what I have done to people" , then you are working on growth and change. Because facing these shadow parts of yourself and enduring the painful feelings this provokes, is the path to heal I believe. When you are facing your shadows and you are honest to yourself about them, and at the same time you can accept yourself and have some compassion for yourself, this can help shifting things for the better. The part of you that can observe this, that is the part of you that is intact and good. I hope you find the resources you need, to strengthen the intact part of you, and overcome the shadow parts. Your past doesnt have to determine your future. Growth is always possible when you become aware and you find the courage to face the "shadows". I wish you strength and hope.
@@karindegraaf246 Thank you for your words! I hope I will be able to fight through this!
A person with NPD who is motivated and willing to do the work to get better is a rare person indeed.
thank you very much. you are doing a great job here and helping a lot of people. really thank you!
Glad to help 🙂
I would love if you make a video about how to approach life as someone who has been diagnosed with NPD. I´ve been going to therapy for almost 2 and half years, I can see some improvements, but relationship wise, its not great. Im very superficial and I use my partner as an extension of myself, therefore they are never good enough for me. To be fair, I never even try to approach girls who I would really like, because my life is very boring and I dont think they would be interested. I keep avoiding stuff and I keep running into my man cave because its safe.
Im able to "bulshit" girls into my life, I even tell them right away I have this problem, but they usually jump right into the relationship with me disregarding any warning I gave them. I usually start a relationship with "this is not going to work" in my mind, right from the start, because of the reasons Ive mention earlier. I was even considering I would just be alone, but I need my "narcissistic supply" somewhere, otherwise I fall into depression, because I dont see my friends and Im mostly alone.
Im looking for ways of how to be of use, more than of being a leech.
You sir are fulfilling your created purpose setting the captives free thank you for your diligence and your service to others
All very interesting & helps me to understand why it is so easy for them to discard once it has gotten to the level of doing so. They are splitting and unable to comprehend that all human beings have both positive & negative qualities and are but a mix & mash of them all. To them a person is either all bad or all good and there is no room in their minds to accept that both the negatives and positives co-exist within us all & are part of everyone they choose to interact with. With this type of disorder every relationship they have is inevitably doomed for failure as they seek perfection in others but ignore their own failings or even take the time to self-reflect or hold themselves accountable or responsible for anything that has taken place. Which may explain why they have an inability to genuinely apologize for many of the disgusting things they do to gain advantage while they lie and do much damage to others without regard for them. Label it what you want but even the disorders are often a mix & mash of the disorders themselves. I personally have dealt with people who display more symptoms of BPD or CPTSD than NPD in my own life or at least that is my belief. Thanks for sharing this.
If we know that many believe narcissists are demons with no souls, why would most of us be willing to admit to ourselves that we are narcissistic (possibly NPD). I guess because the only way out of this disorder is to accept and confront it.
Sir, my helplessness has brought me here. I just left a man I deeply love and care for into his own darkness. I have seen a sliver of hope in him in the fact that he always agreed to join therapy every time I brought it up in conversation. But we live in a small town called Raiganj (West Bengal, India). It's hard to find a therapist let alone a therapist like you. On top of that he knows only Bengali and Hindi language. He doesn't know English. I distanced myself from him to save my emotional well being. But I know he won't survive in there long enough. He smokes marijuana everyday. He suffers from anxiety and depression. It is a cry for help. I know it's close to impossible for you to help. But I just put this out here and out of my mind. In case, by a stroke of luck something magical happens. I can manage to pay for online therapy if it's not way too expensive as of now. I will increase my earnings too.
To around 10:00. I think it has a lot to do with outer circumstances. When feeling okay then its easier to be in control of the own behavior but if the negative feelings grow to strong then the compulsive, maladaptive behavior gets out and has a drive to it which is very hard to resist. Usually it is more of a gentle nudge to do certain things. Its there but it is resistible even if it costs a bit of emotional energy and is draining. Its different when there is a lot of fear, shame or guilt. Those are feelings which are experienced as too much so they get blurred out by "self" and "ego" is able to take full control. At least that is how I would describe it through introspection (Vulnerable Type probably).
Have there actually been patients you have treated that have healed and are no longer narcissists?
As stated in the video, personality is organized around central conflicts. In the case of narcissistic personalities, the conflicts are about self-worth and self-esteem. An individual with a narcissistic personality style will always have those central conflicts. The part that can be meaningfully changed is the extent to which those conflicts cause disruption to the person's life and the lives around them. Significant reduction in interpersonal distress and antagonism, emotional and mood dysregulation, impulsivity, aggression, and the use of reality-distorting and boundary-disrupting defenses like projection and splitting is very possible and I have seen that in my practice. It is possible to no longer qualify for a diagnosis of NPD and I've seen that in my practice. Thanks for watching.
It is good to hear a sympathetic inside perspective of a narcissist. I have seen narcissism running in families over three generations, so it is also a matter of inheriting it genetically. No matter, how sympathetic one is toward a narcissist, one is always afraid of their manipulation and getting hurt. We should not forget that it is a disorder designed to harm others.
It is a disordered attempt to manage damaged and unstable self esteem. It is not designed to harm others. Thanks for watching.
healnpd: thank you for your time. You are right that this is a struggle to manage self-esteem. However, this struggle inherently involves the manipulation of others. Others cannot be bracketed out. Dr. Ramani and many others warn us and on the other side you with a sympathetic perspective tell us to see their side. In this positive endeavor, you forget the pain inflicted by narcissists on others. It is not a small thing. It destroys people for a lifetime. We need some middle way: to recognize them, give them some space, and also be able to save our mental health.
@@healnpdThank you for spreading your outlook about NPD. It has given hope to all those who are suffering..
@@healnpd Bullshit. How can you spew such drivel? Shame on you man!!
@@healnpdSir, you are the perfect example of the narcissistic therapist which professionals such as Jordan Peterson and Sam Vaknin warn us about. Absolutely totalitarian and in complete opposition to the factual. I've never commented so much on social media as I do on your platform. lol. But you pose a great danger to victims of narcissistic abuse by validating and downplaying narcissistic abusive behavior hence the results included. As a professional you are extremely irresponsible. Please stop validating abusive narcs and persons in general.
Commenting for the algorithm
Can you please consider to cover the topic about the differences between narcissistic personality style and actually narcissistic personality disorder? Thank you.
@wasp239 - This one discusses it: Are you a Narcissist?
czcams.com/video/NVPd6Eojud0/video.html
People Judge other people on their appearance rather than ask themselves, 'Do they have to stay the way they are all their life?'
Our world is very quick to judge what they don't understand.
I usually like your videos, however the issue lies in the fact that they have empathy deficits. Very serious ones. Ones we have not been able to solve. And because of this fact, they go around hurting others even unintentionally like a bull in a china shop. Even with treatment. No proven study shows those with NPD or ASPD can be taught the full spectrum of empathy cognitive and affective empathy. Especially malignant subtypes with sadism. I also want to add, that I know Jacob’s ex. He is in serious treatment and recently abused her. This fact alone (so even a prominent self aware narcissist in treatment) does make me lose hope in your more optimistic viewpoints.
Like I said in the video, treatment depends on the individual. There is a wide spectrum of possible presentations in pathological narcissism and NPD. Some individuals will have more impaired empathy than others. Some have more resiliency or other capacities that aid in treatment and recovery. Timing is also a factor. People who aren’t ready for treatment now may be ready in the future. These things are also true for any personality disorder.
Empathy, compassion and altruism aren't the same things.
Empathy means mirroring others' feelings and emotions, including bad ones.
If you deep into serial killers' histories, you notice almost all of them had normal or high empathy.
Sadists with higher empathy are more vile and "exquisite" in their torturing than psycopaths without empathy.
Please be careful discussing unverified information and identifiable individuals.
I do believe some, like myself lack emotional empathy. Although we do have cognitive empathy and can even show compassionate empathy.
But what bothers me about myself is that even though I can show care and love and mean it. Actually I do find I am more empathetic if I am not emotionally disregulated or guarded. If I'm triggered, I lack empathy, or if I'm very focused on a desired outcome, I also lack empathy.
@@over-comer , At lease you have the Willingness, that is Everything. I Believe that you can do anything, if you want too. Do not lose Hope!!!♡
I don't know why do you think that being shy justifies some pwNPD. They can be as hurtful as overt one. Sometimes probably even more. And their quite and shy facade is deceptive.
also, I can understand it's a mental illness, but in personal contact with them when you state they hurt they can just parrot, literally repeat your words and that's all. Yes. As stupid as that. I'm talking about my father only
It is treatable but not curable.
If anyone is managing it with out harming people around him or her.
That person deserves sainthood no questions asked.
true if i told the narcs i know they will think that i am insulting them and there is no way they cold be narcs it is impossible for them to be narcs what a lost cause it hurts sometimes to know my mom and sister has this i gave up them changing
Hi Dr Ettensohn,
What do you think of the work of Sam Vaknin?
That's a good question with a complicated answer. I try to stay away from this topic because I know that Vaknin is polarizing (like Ramani), and I worry throwing my hat too assertively into the ring will distract from the message. There are some things I think he gets right, others I think he gets very wrong.
This video respond to a doubt that in have. What is really possible to accomplish with people with NPD? Because I use to have unrealistic expectations in the sense of "cure". As you said, the concept of cure comes from medicine an it is mostly the idea of remission of symptoms and the elimination of something to bring homeostasis. I'm not diagnosed with NPD but I can see clearly N traits and a boderline dynamic underlying it. I also clearly see me as cptsd. I had the impression that I have asd because of my social difficulties but I suspect that some cptsd traits can be similar in appearance as asd caracteristics, dissociation for example.
I find it hard to care about their inner unhappiness, I have been the victim of these people multiple times, they are shocker liars Ann’s and get a kick out of hurting you, so I really do not care about their problems.
Awesome
Excellent video, as always!
Thank you! Cheers!
Have you ever tried Brain Spotting therapy on NPD patients?
where have you been? Love your videos!
Thanks. In addition to making these, I also have a full practice and an academic job. It's hard to find the time. I'm working on making it more of a priority. :-)
@@healnpd I see, well, hope to see more of you! Take care!
Can you refer me to someone who understands NPD as you do?
the doctor is really hot goddamn
😳
This is interesting. Those of us who are dealing with a likely narcissistic personality at work need tips on what to do so that person begins the healing process. Based on my understanding of NPD from your videos, they will reject literally anything that goes against their sense of self, so how would they ever begin to seek any self driven or clinically driven treatment?
What is the percentage % of Narcissist w/ NPD being actually treated (no such things as cured), where those around them are able to “relax and no longer feel traumatized” by the narcissist with NPD?
@risingeagle6332 - I understand from your comments that you’ve been through a lot with your ex-partner. I think it’s important to emphasize that not all individuals with pathological narcissism are like that. The video emphasizes that point as well. NPD is not a fancy term for abuser, and it involves considerable suffering and distress for the person afflicted with it as well as (sometimes) those around that person. I can’t speak to your individual experience, but even if your ex had diagnosable NPD (I may be reading your comments wrong but it looks like multiple clinicians did not diagnose her), it doesn’t mean that she is representative of everyone or even most people with NPD. That is a major reason that I started this channel. I would argue that the majority of people with pathological narcissism act out toward themselves more often than they do other people. There is a reason that this disorder is strongly correlated with depression and suicide. Vulnerable expressions of NPD are not widely recognized, even though they really constitute the ‘heart’ of the disorder. Grandiose expressions of NPD and even abusive expressions of NPD stem from underlying fractures and wounds in the person’s self. They stem from severely unstable self-esteem. Those issues are the core of NPD. I have worked with many people who have those core issues but are not actively terrorizing the people around them.
I'm sure my ex would get treatment for his NPD, just as soon as hell freezes over.
This is so accurate it’s amazing. You’re the best
I thought about what you had to say a lot. Having known quite closely two different people who I believe to be malignant narcissists. Could they be helped if you could get past their defences? I mean probably but therein lies the problem. Once you get down into that very extreme end of narcissism, the defences are impenetrable. As to the question of evil; some of their actions are pretty indisputably evil. Do actions make the person? Well that is a philosophical question I suppose. At any rate, I admire your optimism and I do believe people who just have some strong narcissistic traits are treatable for sure.
what is healing with projection and making it conscious in the therapy? is it afterthought, when the client thinks about it or what exactly is it? or is projection a mere hinderance for growth and the client must see that he is doing that?
Narcissist wont admit to anything though
There can certainly be a resistance to admitting fault, usually due to shame.
These are treatment approaches, but are there any successful cases? How possible is it to make any improvement with people who are unwilling to change by nature? I understand that it's possible, but practically speaking, it's extremely challenging.
Very helpful x
Glad it was helpful!
I don't understand why Narcs mirror you in the love bomb stage. A video on that would be appreciated
They’re trying to fit into your perfect expectations, which they are trying to understand through your words and actions. They want to look like the best person so that you wont end up leaving
@okipullup7202 OK... Mine did too.. But I kept asking too many questions and she could not keep up the facade n discarded me in 6 months..
I think another misconception a lot of people think is if someone cheats on you or does you wrong that dosnt mean they’re a narcissist. That’s the first reply now
Does or doesn't? Pers, it's not my first thought, though cheating is kind of lame.
I assosiate narcissist with certain behavioral patterns (and thought patterns) which include the constant need to distract from one's insecurities and project them onto others.
I think you're a good specialist in your field, so don't take it personal, please.
Lots of information in your vids and in this vid concludes an explanation that pwNPD are not manipulators, but just are this way because they just are. Next you explain what go in their heads. Ok. I can undersnatd that, and I also read and listened a lot of information about that.
Honestly, it doesn't realy justufy their behaviour. Most of their behaviour stems from their delusions. Now what? That's my impression of it.
Guys have lots of delusions about themselves and others, they project on others, they take their disappointment in parnters inadequately. Now what? It's not that I don't know it or don't understand it. I know. I understand. That many of that isn't "malicious" manipulation, but... We can say this about pwBPD and other mental illnesses too.
I don't know what to say about it except it's natural for people to think about theur own safety first. But narcissists think: "No, you think about me first". And they're the biggest victims always.
Also, I'm not on board with the narrative that when narcissists are disappointed in their partners because they hoped for ideal love, they victimizy themselves too. Why do people start putting victimhood on a pedestal that much?
They want to be a victim because they're disappointed? Please, let them be. But I don't want to be a victim with them.
I am no expert, to be sure. But it seems to me the real dilemma in treating NPD is the narcissist’s insistence that it’s everyone else who has the problem that needs to be fixed.
Yes, this is also true for some other personality disorders. The symptoms/issues tend to be egosyntonic, which means that the person doesn’t see them as problems. Instead, there is a tendency to believe that everyone else’s behavior is problematic because it doesn’t meet the individual’s preferences/needs/expectations. This dynamic is not limited to NPD.
@@healnpd I agree. But what seems to distinguish narcissists is this seeming inability to hold themselves accountable. A person might be forced to take a good hard and honest look at him/herself through some crisis or other but people I have known (I have no credentials to officially diagnose) to be narcissistic would seem to be incapable of doing this.
That’s true for a number of other personality disorders as well. The difference with NPD is that in a collapsed state people with NPD are actually more likely to take a look at themselves. This may or may not be a long enough window of opportunity to get established in meaningful treatment.
@@healnpd Your message gives me hope but I am not optimistic. Having gone through hell any hope of reconciliation was relinquished by me long ago. But maybe in that final moment when the narcissist experiences the ultimate “collapse,” as we all will one day, amends can be made to the Creator. As humans l think we all deserve that.
First, thank you for this video and channel. I was wondering if there is a link between NPD and maladaptive daydreaming. I would love to see a video about it. Thanks
No, there is no link. Any personality type can daydream.
@@Wasp239 Thanks for your reply. Actually, I was referring to MALADAPTIVE daydreaming. That is, a dysfunctional and intrusive type of daydream. I was wondering if that could be a way to create a false/grandiose self, in order to cope with vulnerability
@@enza3640I’ve heard that maladaptive daydreaming is connected to narcissistic personality disorder.
Having fantasies about success, a love interest or things like taking revenge on someone who has hurt us can be something we all do from time to time - but when daydreaming becomes excessive & intrusive to the point that it disrupts our life (we neglect responsibilities etc) it’s definitely maladaptive and could qualify as a disorder.
Intrusive thoughts can also be a result of OCD or GAD (anxiety), but in these cases intrusive thoughts are of a different nature.
For example, OCD can cause us to overthink or over-plan things, because we are afraid of feeling out of control. OCD is also connected to perfectionism. Sometimes people assume that OCD is only how we act (like repetitive behaviors) but in therapy I learned that OCD can also present as obsessive thoughts.
Intrusive daydreaming as a result of GAD often manifests as rumination about life regrets, death/illness, accidents or fear of social disapproval.
Hello, Mark. Is flinching/wincing at someone else's experience a sign of empathy and does it suggest a good prognosis?
Well, that depends. WHICH experience are you flinching at?
@@benya14-bo5rx I forgot to specify: Pain
My life has been ruined by being around two narcissist with NPD and histrionic issues (undiagnosed).
I’m still trying to recover from years of exposure to these toxic beings.
I have been to over 30 therapist, counselors, clinicians, doctors, psychologist, psychiatrist and so on; not one recognized my wife as a Narcissist.
Narcissist with NPD are very destructive.
My wife raged frequently and would turn our family life upside down constantly throughout the 32 years of our marriage. Her mother did the same.
I was caught in the middle whenever they got upset with each other. I was the ping pong ball between two tornadoes.
Jekyll-Hyde types are impossible people and will leave empaths like me utterly emotionally traumatized. Sucks!
You've been to 30 therapists, none of them recognized your wife as a narcissist, but then you watched some youtube video and had your moment of: "aha! All those 30 therapists were wrong and I'm the only one who knows what's actually going on!".
Honestly, you don't aound very smart.
@@PasaulioValdovaswho cares, how exactly she was or wasn't recognised? Considering, what she did, you care about how to call her?