Common Courtesy Etiquette Discussion
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- čas přidán 29. 08. 2024
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In this video, we discuss the topic of common courtesy. I do see a shift in our society where common courtesies are slowly taking a back seat. Today I share three different stories with you that I have observed in my own life. I'd love to hear from you! What are your experiences with common courtesies? Do you have any encouraging stories to share? Any horror stories? Let us know in the comment section and you could be chosen as comment of the week on The Daily Connoisseur blog. For more on common courtesies and living with poise, check out my third book, Polish Your Poise with Madame Chic. jenniferlscott....
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One of the joys of being Canadian is that our decline into incivility is somewhat slower than what you are describing. My favourite courtesy story happened on a visit to Toronto, which is Canada's largest city, with all the metropolitan speed, urgency and preoccupation you would expect. It was late winter; the sidewalks were miserably icy. I was walking beside a busy downtown street (6 lanes of traffic, 3 in each direction) when a woman ahead of me slipped and fell. Every nearby pedestrian rushed to her assistance, but loveliest of all, 4 lanes of the nearest traffic stopped while the drivers GOT OUT (!) to see if she was OK. It's true, I probably have a thousand stories of discourtesy, but this is one I choose to remember and share whenever I can. It was such a heartwarming moment.
That's so sweet.
Jennifer, I have a similar experience to yours.Two years ago I renovated my flat. I had a painter at home for a few days. I had a few days off so the painter and I were together at home. I decided that I would treat him as a member of my family. I prepared tea and coffee for him. He ate with me lunch and dinner. We ate my home made cakes. During one of the dinners he said that it had never happend to him before. He always took sandwiches and water to work because people didn't care about him although he sometimes spent a whole day at their homes. There is one great saying which summarises what you wanted to tell us: "I will not change people and the world but I will not let them change me".
Lovely ☺️
Totally with you on this, particularly the polite nod or wave in traffic. I live in a rural area where a lot of men still tip their cowboy hat to a woman when they pass you on the road. It is incredibly flattering and such a lovely gesture. I just love it.
I think showing common courtesy is a vital character trait that is slowly being lost. There was one occasion, I believe I was about 19 or 20, that I was standing in line at the post office and I got a phone call from a friend. I answered but told them I would call them back as I was in line, then promptly ended the call. I thought nothing of this, as I was taught it was the respectful thing to do when standing in a line anywhere. So I was very surprised when the gentleman behind me thanked me and said he wished more young people were as conscientious and respectful of others. His comment made me realize how these seamingly simple acts of courtesy can make an impact on those around us.
Thank you for this video, it gave me something to meditate on and appreciate for the day.
I've heard many suicide survivers have admitted that if someone had just said hello on the street or acknowledged them in any way the day they attempted suicide, they wouldn't have even tried. That thought always gives me the courage to say hello or smile when I pass a stranger.
+Kiri B I make an effort to say hello to most people I see whilst out walking, because you just never know! Thank you for posting this message, I feel it's SO important.
This is good to know. Such a kind gesture by you, it must take courage to greet strangers.
Much like the "no wave" when you pull over, when you hold a door for someone and they just glide through without a glance. I always hold doors if I'm leaving and someone is either coming in or following me out. Now, understand I am a white haired 70 year old woman. I'm very fit and healthy and don't expect anyone to do anything for me. I have had everyone from young to old just assume that I'm there to be the doorman. No intention of ever stopping the door holding but looking forward to the day someone actually realizes it is a courtesy I'm extending not a entitlement for them.
I live in England, where it's normal to apologise to someone when THEY bump into YOU! We're a very apologetic country. Sadly even here some courtesies are dying out. When I get off the bus, I notice that the people ahead of me often don't say thank you to the driver, but the people after me (having heard me say thank you) almost always do. This proves that the things we do as individuals do have an impact on others' behaviour!
If I can just share a different perspective however... I am a very shy and socially awkward person, and I'm often too shy to approach someone to help them, and I'm even too shy to offer workmen a cup of tea when they're working in my house, even though I really want to. We need to make sure we're not confusing shyness with rudeness.
Hello! I watch your videos often, and have never commented. With that being said this one sparked a reply. You are so correct about lack of manners and courtesy. We took our boys on a trip last summer where we were taking a tour of a major city. While we loaded on and off the tourist bus my boys always let the ladies exit in front of them or an elderly person also. Likewise when we reloaded if the seats were taken, my husband and two sons would stand up for a lady or the elderly. I am sad to say when Iwould look around lots of young men would look the other way also they didn't stand. I was shocked, it opened up a good conversation over dinner about how manners are important and should always be used. My two teenagers commented that it was wrong to ignore the elderly and especially the pregnant women. I must say my heart was full and I was proud. My grandmother always told me growing up that manners were free and everybody could choose to use them. Thank you for reading my post and have a nice day.
Julie Burnett, I know your is an old post but here goes. Mine is a similar story. I grew up as a child in the city of Chicago where my mother and I took public transportation often (over 50 years ago). Directions on the bus from my mother were that if someone older or disabled boarded that I was to stand and give her/him my seat.
I'm from Texas, and on the little back roads in small towns, they still wave as they pass each other on the road. It's so cute. It's one of my favorite things.
Friends declare that men don't open doors for ladies anymore, which used to be considered common courtesy. My own experience is that men open doors for me often, and it took some thought to figure out why. I realized that if a man and I are approaching a door at the same time, I expect the man to open the door (my parents raised me the old-fashioned way). I make eye contact with a pleasant smile, and step to the side. There's nothing demanding in my demeanor, but it seems natural and the response seems natural, as well. I always thank the gentleman, and continue on my way. (And if I get to a door well before someone else, of course I open it myself and hold it for the person right behind me.) I once read a meme that went something like, "Where did all the gentlemen go? Probably where all the ladies went." The way we behave can certainly affect the way others behave around us. :)
+Jesse May I love that meme!
...unfortunately, many gentlemen Do Not get thanked by " ladies" when they hold a door, or give deference to women.
I agree with you, treat others with respect. It is hard to be courteous when the norm is that strangers especially men, single men are considered criminals and men in general are to be avoided. When men are polite it is considered suspicious and creepy.
My grandmother had a saying "book smart can only take you so far but good manners can take you further ". When I was pregnant with my first child. I was probably 7 months pregnant I was in the supermarket in the check out lane. I was standing behind a man who had a broken leg and a broken arm; when he turned around and saw me he insisted I go before him. I politely said no but he insisted. I even had more items than he did! I hope he is living a blessed life. I agree with everything you said. In my country when you are driving and you let someone go first the other driver always presses their horn once as a thank you gesture.
+My Mommy Moment That's a wonderful story!
Dear Jennifer, I always enjoy all your posts. What I liked the most about this video is that you said "continue to practice common courtesy even if it is not reciprocated." I remember many years ago when I got my first job in The beautiful city of , Toronto ,I worked in a very large bank in a busy location. The door man would hold the door open for those that entered in the early morning hours before work and everyone would enter there work stations at the bank. I noticed that very few people ever said hello to each other. I didn't grow up like that! I complained to my mother one day and said that I didn't think anyone would ever say hello to me first if I didn't greet them before. She replied "keep on greeting them first and don't let it bother you." Some people will be like that don't change who you are .
When I was about mid-fifties a rather sweet , adolescent boy stood up for me on a bus . I was really taken aback because I didn’t feel old and didn’t think I looked it . To this day I thank my lucky stars that I did smile nicely , thank him and accept the offered seat . That poor boy could have felt humiliated and foolish if I had rudely refused .
Jennifer I never write comments on anything or follow anyone on you tube but I do follow you because I see VERY slowly there is a return to goodness, style, class etc...due to people like you bringing forth a return to being feminine. My daughter and I are seeing women are wearing dresses more casually and girls are starting to take care of themselves just a little bit more. I was just telling my 16 year old daughter to step back when she gets to the door ahead of a man...she wondered how the man would know to open the door for her! It occured to me I never taught her that I had "modeled the behavior" but never instructed so... the other day SHE stepped aside when she approached a door and the gentleman behind her opened it! She turned in surprise, of course, said thank you and later said, "He did not look like the type of man that would have done that but he knew!?"....We do need to instruct our children on good manners.
I walk throughout my neighborhood as part of my exercise regimen- Wearing sunglasses, a cap, and headphones ( I AM FOCUSED !! lol ) However, if I come upon anyone who is walking, or perhaps just out in their yard, getting the mail.. Etc.. I will always greet them with a hello or wave.. It's a gesture of recognizing the person as worthy of being acknowledged. This morning, , one of my waaaaaay down the street neighbors who has seen me walk by his home for several years, was out walking his new puppy.. I have only commented " Hello' .. "Lovely flowers', Gorgeous Day" as I walked by when he and his wife were outside! However, because of the years of hello's and waves we felt very comfortable and at ease with the simple interaction today encountering one another on our separate walkabouts. I was truly delighted by the puppy as he was squirming and pulling on the leash to get to me.. "OHHHHH another FRIEND. YAY!!!" Lick lick.. wag wag.. Adorable!We don't know one another except in passing. It's a pleasantry! Some people think of manners as old-fashioned~ I think of manners/ common courtesy as the ultimate luxury that you can extend to yourself and others!
I have two quick anecdotes to relate.....
I was coming down the stairs from the car park to my local supermarket and had to pass a young lady who was on her knees cleaning the stairs so as I passed I wished her "Good morning!". Her head shot up and she looked at me with such a shocked look on her face and said good morning back! It made me wonder how many people had walked past her on those stairs and completely ignored her... I couldn't do it!
Another time I was shopping with my seven-year-old son. After I'd paid for my shopping I noticed that he hung back to say something to the girl working on the till. As he turned and followed me she had such a huge smile on her face as she watched him leave so I asked my son what he'd said to her. "I just told her to have a lovely day!" he replied! I think he's learning etiquette from me!
My husbands family are the opposite of polite and well mannered. My family insisted and taught us manners from a young age. (my granny taught at a finishing school for girls so I was well educated.)
My husband was surprised actually being over for dinner at our house that we ate at the table and not in front of the TV.
It starts at home.
My husband made a point to learn the common courtesies and manners he was lacking in college. So early on in our relationship, we decide with our children we would insist on polite and well mannered actions.
I receive so many comment in my children's manners! it is shocking to me how shocked people at that my 6 and 3 year old use Ma'am and Sir, please and thank you. My one year old says "tan oo" and eese". just today my son was being a rambunctious preschooler and bounced/dove/dived down a few stairs bumping a mom and he immediately said excuse me, I am so sorry. She then asked me to take her son and teach him nice manners.
I apologize for the long comment but I really feel it begins at home.
The Costco Story...shocking! I don't think that would happen in Texas...but who knows anymore? The Thank-You wave is a staple here, but I noticed in FL people rarely waved, and when I gave them a thank-you wave, they stared at me like they were wondering if they knew me. Not getting a thank-you wave makes me crazy!!!
One thing I learned in France, is the greeting. After I got home from my first trip there, I made it a point to always greet people in a store before I asked a question. I'm not sure I always did that, but I do now. They usually looked surprised, and it forces them to look up and greet me back, and it's so much nicer at that point when they point me to the restroom or whatever. I really like it...it's a human connection.
While I'm typing this, I'm overseeing the delivery of my daughter's household goods to their new house near us. The movers cannot get over how nice and helpful I am. They keep telling me horror stories. But here's the thing...I'm just acting normal, no heroics here...just offering drinks, directions, the normal stuff. It's so funny you mentioned the playscape guy as I'm dealing with same thing. Great video....and much needed. P.S. Let's not forget to be super nice to the elderly too :)
+TeriGigi Yes, I so appreciate the lesson of French greeting. Thank you, Jennifer! I, too, am not sure I've always done that with store employees, but I do now for sure!
+TeriGigi Yes the French greeting in shops is essential! I totally agree. And I loved your comment "I'm just acting normal, no heroics here" that is so funny and true but sadly, it's nor normal any more! xx
Floridian here, while I practice the wave I know a fair amount of people who have never heard of it. It becomes a topic of conversation if I'm in a friends car and I wave for them, they truly have no idea there is something called the thank you wave.
I adopted the greeting immediately after reading Madame Chic. It actually makes my day more pleasant, too.
I so agree with you! I always try to be thoughtful wherever I am. The smallest kindness can change someone's day or week or year!
Thank you Jennifer! I’ve heard it said that people don’t usually remember what you said or did, but they do remember how you made them feel. Something as simple as a courtesy wave, and yes I continue to do this and have noticed the same trend, little things like that to get noticed. Once in a while someone will comment and you know that you made their day just by doing the little“common courtesy“. Good manners are the fabric of society and as I go through life I realize just how important they are! And I think God every day that my parents taught me and my brother this. Keep going because there are so many things I learned from your videos that I did not learn for my parents, and I know that there are many many more people out there who need to learn as well. I saw your videos are very motivational, inspirational and I find them to be like salt! May God bless you and your family always and we are always blessed and we have good husbands, wives, parents, and CZcamsrs :-) who lead by example!
I got a story. I also live in S. California. When I was seven months pregnant, I had to go to my son's kindergarten orientation. I was running late, so I had to park two blocks down the street and walk across this field before entering the building. Once I got in, exhausted and hot, I found that every seat was taken. I waddled in the front looking for a seat. Not one person in that crowded auditorium offered me their chair. I had to sit on the hard cold floor.
About a week later, we went on vacation to a different state where common courtesy and basic chivalry is practiced. I felt like a queen there with all the doors flying open. Men would even compliment my appearance by saying that I looked radiant. I didn't want to leave.
+MustardSeedish That is terrible! What are people coming to?!
RedToeNails026 I visited Oregon in the country. I was astounded by the contrast.
+MustardSeedish Texas, so far, in my experience is the most place! We lived in Austin and I could walk down the street and those 10 gallon hats would tip with a smile and 'mornin ma'am. I love Texas ... hmm
Alice Cooper You're on to something. I think also in big cities there is that "stranger danger" aspect, so we tend to keep to ourselves more. It's a shame.
I'll second this! The prevalence of people showing courtesy and respect for each other is my favorite thing about Texas. I experience it every day.
Hi from Brazil!
I always have some bottles of mineral water to serve and most of the times to let these workers ( that come to my house to fix or bring things) take with them, they always look so thankful for these small attitude that I do.
Oh, and the courtesy of letting cars pass?only a minority waves back here,too! Amazing!!! In Japan where my Dad lives I noticed that "everybody" waves even in their shy way! And once my 5years old boy asked me why I did that, I said it was polite and that shows you are a kind person and he said when he grows up and starts driving he will do the same.Then I told him he could start right now, saying hi to the guy who works everyday in our neighborhood , helping grandma to carry her heavy stuff...
Jeniffer, thank you for this video, I am sure you opened many people's eyes to let them know the importance of courtesy. That 's why I am your big fan!!!
+daily connoisseur thank you so much for this much needed video!
I also have an experience to share. Last summer we also moved to a new neighborhood. During the first week of school we had 90+ degree temps with oppressive humidity. At our new school, parents are instructed to stay in their lined up vehicles with an assigned number in the car window. The school dean then walks to each car and uses a walkie talkie to call out the numbers and as the children hear their number they line up outside and wait for the parents to pull up to the school entrance. Well the dean was outside no more than 10 minutes and he was drenched in sweat. I felt terrible. So the next day I brought him an ice cold bottled water and thanked him for an awesome student pick up system. He then said I was the nicest parent and no one has ever done or said such an amazing gesture. I could not believe it. He was so thankful as if I had just given him a million bucks.
I was recently on an hotel shuttle bus and it was very crowded. A pregnant woman got on the shuttle and the driver helped her with her small suitcase. There were no empty seats, she looked around and held onto the luggage rack. The shuttle was filled with business men, I was shocked that no one offered her their seat. I stood up to offer her mine and the man next to me said she could have his. It seems everyone is staring at their smart phones totally clueless to what's going on around them. Ugh!
Jennifer, your comments today are so timely! My husband and I were joking last week about how we missed out on the days when older people were treated with utmost respect. (we are in our 60s and not in perfect health) We have had people clsoe doors in our faces and practically run over us in parking lots because we are slowing them down from getting to wherever it is they are rushing to.
Your experience at Costco breaks my heart. My generation and those before me would never leave a pregnant lady, a mom with small kids or an elder to struggle with a load like that.
I agree we must continue to set an example for others. I will continue to wave at my not very friendly new neighbors. Maybe I should make the first move to befriend them?
I am so glad you spoke about this today. I would like to share a story. I was listening to the radio one day and the host of the show was talking about how he tried to hold the door open for a woman coming into the gas station behind him and she proceeded to chew his head of for holding the door open for her. For the next hour the program took calls and other people told their similar stories... I think there are some people who would normally help someone but have been bullied into thinking they are wrong for doing so. I think it is very important to show gratitude in these types of situations. You really don't know who is watching.
+Stephanie Walsh Very interesting! This makes a good discussion too!
Great points. I do think that we are becoming more cautious when offering help to strangers because of the many stories we hear such as being taken into a van when helping an elderly put in groceries or being accidentally attacked when waving thank you to a driver. I do believe we should practice common courtesy but some caution should be taken and maybe have to consider the type of neighborhood we live in. It is sad and totally sucks that people aren't cordial with each other anymore.
Don't be discouraged Jennifer! I live in a smaller city in the midwest where kindness & courtesy are more common place. It is not unusual here for a neighbor to shovel your walk for you, or a stranger to stop & change your flat tire. Rudeness is encountered here, but it is more the exception than the rule. Nevertheless what you contribute on your channel & in your books is SO valuable & important because some people just aren't brought up with the mentality of being focus on the "other" rather than self.
Thank you for taking up this torch! About two years ago, the art teachers at my son's school did such a good job hosting the school art show, I could tell a lot of work went into it. So I wrote the organizers a thank you note. A few days later after sending the note, I ran into the art teacher and she told me that I was the first parent in 14 years to write her a thank you note. I was stunned.
Considering my home town's (NYC) reputation for being cold, heartless & rude, I'm constantly pleasantly surprised at courtesies extended around me every day. Yes, people hold doors, give up seats on public transportation, let people through at checkout lines, stop to help strangers, etc. As for our driving manners: fugetaboutit!
+alibyali Agreed. I'm not from NY but now live in Brooklyn. NYers are not P&Qs types but very kind-hearted and open to talk to anyone. But ... do not stroll ... get out of the way! People walkin' heah! LOL
I have a similar story..... years ago before I met my husband and I lived alone, I had a plumber at my house to do a very tricky, time consuming installation of a gas heater in my basement. This man had done work for my parents for years. It was cold down there so I did my best to make things more pleasant- I brought down an electric space heater, a radio, coffee and cookies for him. A few days later my dad told me that the man had called him and said, "In 37 years doing this, no one has ever done for me what your daughter did." I thought how sad that he'd never been shown what I thought to be common courtesy. I know how much pride my dad felt hearing that and it made me really happy that I could show him kindness and make my father look good!
My children took etiquette classes when they were younger. My son had to take it twice. lol. But I especially wanted my son to learn to treat a woman respectfully. To be a gentleman. To treat his daughters a certain way so they, in turn, will choose a mate that treats them respectfully. And I do think some of that went back to common manners. And BTW, we are starting the etiquette classes for the next generation :). I loved this. Just out of curiosity, do the people wave back when you wave your thanks? Much love to you! Melissa
I'm so grateful to have found your channel! I feel as if I've found a true sister and when I found out that you were a Christian, I instantly knew why! Thank you for all you stand for and all that you are sharing! It's a blessing to my soul to finally hear someone else communicating the things I feel so strongly about!
Hi Jennifer I have a story too to tell,on my daily walk I would often see an older man cycle past me (I am so used of acknowledging people with a wave or a "good morning " whether I know them or not ) anyway this older chap often would cycle past me as if I wasn't there.I have noticed now with my continued acknowledgement of a wave or good morning , he is starting to give me a nod of acknowledgement to me back , so I have learnt to keep on waving etc and the same ones even if they don't do so back ! thanks so much Jennifer for your books and videos !
The word here is certainly entitlement. You see it everywhere these days. Growing up my Mom taught me that it was common courtesy to feed any workers who come into your home for an extended period of time and in the VERY LEAST to give them water or something to drink. When people do not even wave in their cars it bothers my whole family. I have always just said, "It's common courtesy." I passed this on to my three children and my husband was taught the same thing. We open doors for people and they don't even have the "common courtesy" to say, "Thank you." Really? Why are people not taught this simple thing any more? I don't get it.......I know what you mean. Thank you for trying to pass on this "simple" and "not so simple" message to others. I must also say this: There truly are people out there who still go above and beyond to help others and I really do appreciate them. Let's continue to be that person and carry on. Thank you. :-)
Having an invisible medical condition it can be hard to common curtesy. Eg I can't give up my seat on public transport or help move stuff around at a regular group because of my illness. Also the looks that people give me when I step out of my car when I'm parked in a disabled car spot, with my disable parking sticker when I look able body.
Thanks for another great video! I completely agree with you. It has nearly got to the point in society where we should rename it "uncommon courtesy" and "uncommon sense" because what was once so common is slowly becoming more rare. However, I suppose the paradoxical bright side of that is, when you encounter or display such common courtesy and common sense, it is valued even more BECAUSE it is like finding something that is becoming more rare, like a precious gem or an exotic bird. I will never give up on manners and etiquette--be the precious gem or the exotic bird, everyone! : )
I think some people have the mistaken idea that being chic is being aloof and unaware of those around you--that they can't be bothered by "lesser beings"--that being friendly, helpful, courteous will make them seem common. I am saddened to see it, and I think it actually just makes people lonely and disconnected to the wonderful opportunities to interact with the world around them. The truly chic, classy person always extends respect and appreciation for anyone they interact with and leaves them feeling built up and not put down.
+Melissa Yackley really excellent point!
Hi Jennifer, I have the same experience with a construction worker at our house. Last year we renovated almost the whole house and this man was working on it for almost two months. Every day I prepared for him a cup of tea or coffee and had talked to him during the day. He was shocked and so thankful everytime I did but for me it is something that everyone should do. He told me that unfortunately it is not the case and more than that as he is from Ukraine a lot of people tends to overlook him because of that. I can't believe it! All I can say about this man is that he did great job and he was very kind during his whole stay.
Just let you know I come from and live in Prague, the Czech Republic.
+Kateřina Kvapilová Thanks for sharing your story. I loved it!
I will never forget when I was studying abroad in France, I was packed up and leaving for the semester. I had enough luggage for 3 people to carry (no joke!) And as I was making my way to the train, there were 3 men sitting on a bench staring at me. I get it, I was a sight. I had found a creative way to carry it all, but none of them offered to help.
That was probably my "shocking moment" of rudeness.
On the other hand I was leaving the grocery store and it was pouring outside. An elderly man, who probably could have used help himself, offered me his umbrella, walked me to my car and held the umbrella while I loaded the groceries. That's a gentleman I will never forget
So true. In some ways, people lack safety awareness as well as common courtesy, if that makes sense. I'm thinking of times when I'm driving in a store parking lot and customers take the "courtesy crossing" as a given, without even checking that cars are stopping to let them pass. They'll just walk right through apparently without regard for their own safety, or a wave of thanks to the cars stopping for them. Or walking through a mall or city street, people with their noses in their cell phones not watching where they're going, barely dodging others as they plow through. Cell phones are a whole other discussion (people choosing their phone over the person in front of them, etc).
Once I was on the freeway and blew my trucks back tire. I couldn't figure out how to fix it. My hero showed up in the form of a dad and his son! He asked if I needed help and said it would be good for his son to learn to change a tire. That was so amazing to me💕
Jennifer,
This older video was so lovely, and I hope you do more Ike this.
You may get no response from the other drivers but your children notice and you are making a difference by demonstrating how they should behave.😁
Appreciate this discussion very much Jennifer.
Sometimes when a person takes the time to smile and be courteous to another, the act can be contagious. For example you hold the door open for a stranger, and then that person often holds the door open for the next person. It takes little effort to be thoughtful. I wish more people knew the secret: We have the power to change the world in a good way though our kind actions everyday.
Sorry to hear what happened to you at Costco. I've been through similar situations. You should be proud of yourself that you still have the courage to practice what you teach. I believe it takes a lot of courage and humility to go out of your way to help someone. You are a good role model to your children.
I'm an older woman who watched a pregnant mom with a small child, tell a young man to go ahead of them in line at the grocery. He had a couple of items and it seemed fine. What surprised me was that as he stood in front of her, he didn't help her unload her basket as he waited for the person in front of him to finish paying. I saw her struggle and him watch. When I started helping her, she said thank you and that she was getting tired since she was due in the next week. Thanks for addressing this issue Jennifer...Blessings to you and your family.
Still happy to report in my town, men (both older and young) will hold open the door for you! Always makes me feel good and I am sure to say thank you when this happens!
Love this so much! We need to get to this, it saddens me that we are so far away from this in our society, thanks for sharing.
Common courtesy isn't slipping away here in the Midwest. Something I noticed right away after moving here from So. California where I lived for 55 years. And my mother always served food and drink to anyone who worked at our home. However she was born in Chicago and raised by Midwestern parents in California.
I believe the phenomenon you're addressing is a result of the epidemic entitlement mentality that has swept our nation. Also, people seem to think that the fact that a service is a paid one (I.E. your play set assembly, a waitress, or a grocery check out) means they are not obligated to show the courtesy of gratitude. I also think that, at times, people are insecure in expressing gratitude. There is such a focus of self importance in our culture that to express gratitude, truly a form of humility, can be seen in some circles as weakness and inferiority. Some would say your values are archaic but I am one young lady who agrees that class, like good taste, never goes out of style. 👍
+Christina Stephenson Great comment! I'm going to feature it as a comment of the week on the blog.
+the Daily Connoisseur Wonderful, thanks!
what a difference we make by the way we treat people a couple weeks ago we had a home inspection the worker was here for a while it is mild weather however I had just finish make bread and baking a ham .as he was finishing up work I wrap up a sanwich and gave it to him telling him here is your lunch for tomorrow he smile very graciously said thank you in our conversation we learn his parent are trying to conserve rain water for their garden so my brother took him out back showed him how we got set with tanks for the rainwater for the garden when he left he said to my brother that we were very hospitable and made him feel comfortable because usually folks don't really talk to him much my thoughts do unto others as you would them do to you such words of wisdom .I felt I ought to have done what little I did .like you said common courtesy . have a great day as allways I enjoy your vlogs.
"That's what I want people to feel when they come to our home. I don't care WHO they are...I want them to feel the warmth from our family." Yep, that encapsulates exactly why I love ya, Jennifer L. Scott! You are quality through and through. It has nothing to do with social climbing, but about integrity within. I couldn't agree with you more!!!
I personally have serious issues with rude cashiers who REFUSE to say thank you. Nonetheless, I always am polite and say thank you. After all, my daughters are watching!
I have some very exciting news for you. As your children grow, people will notice THEIR manners. I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I have been complimented on our daughters' politeness--how they speak to adults with respect or answer the phone , how they don't interrupt adults, etc.
One triumphant moment I had as a mother is when we visited a certain Presidential library. While it was a President whose politics we may not agree with, we explained to the girls we respected this man, his contributions, and ultimately the office of the U.S. President. We had a lovely time as a family and learned a great deal. Then we went to the restaurant within the library. Our waiter was so taken with our girls' good manners that he gave them each a free dessert. My husband and I really appreciated the encouragement and compliment! :)
P.S. Jennifer, I will add one more thing to the list of our daughters' nice manners that were noticed by others. We trained our girls to NOT be picky eaters. Honestly, it wasn't hard at all. You and I are very like-minded about breakfast. There will be no tears. Pick what you would like...oatmeal, cereal, scrambled eggs, whatever.
But for lunch and supper, they were required to eat what I cooked. If it was something they didn't like, they were required only to eat a very tiny amount of it. For instance, If they didn't care for meatloaf, I would serve them only one very small spoonful. If they didn't care for salad, same thing. After finishing their small portions, they could choose to get more of what they enjoyed. This started when they were two or three and eased them into good eating habits. No tears. No picky eaters. Also, they knew the rules, and so the focus was on an enjoyable family meal and not on making them the center of attention and cajoling them to eat.
+Sweet Caroline very wise advice for picky eaters!
I do believe you have touched a nerve here Jennifer. Wonderful video, the comments are amazing. Thank you for this.
I love this video. I have an issue with tunnel vision sometimes and am not aware that I've been rude in the moment. I have gone back and apologized to people that I didn't hold the door for and acknowledged that I was rude. People seem to really appreciate that. Side note, I am trying to work on my tunnel vision.
Hi Jennifer, hope all is well with you. First, the customer service rep at Costco should have asked you if you needed help. Customer service is as dead as common courtesy. I was blessed with two parents who had lovely manners. The joke about my dad is that when he hosted a party the guests had a drink in their hands before their coats were off. My pet peeve is that I'm nicer to the cashiers than they are to me. That's frustrating , I'm the customer! One more pet peeve: When cashiers carry on a conversation with everyone but me; their co-workers, or worse stay on their phones while I'm handing them my money. All we can do is keep being who we are and raise the children in our lives to do the same. Stay happy!
I totally agree, society is losing common courtesy. My husband is in retail and pays very close attention to customers and their needs. He is polite and is able to stay calm in stressful situations.
We have two boys 17 and 20. We have instilled in them to offer help to those who look like they are struggling, hold the door open for people, be courtesy and say please, thank you and respect your elders. We have to be examples for our kids.
It is frustrating when people are rude. My mom always would remind us, maybe that individual is having a bad day or maybe they don't feel well. It doesn't excuse their actions but give them the benefit of the doubt.
Love your videos!
It is so hard to NOT get jaded, Jennifer. But, I want to stay committed to kindness and compassion. That movie "Pay It Forward" still rings true in my heart. We need a bumper sticker or pin as a club that we are Committed to Kindness. Thanks for these reminders!!
What a great example you have with the installed guy. I've always learn so much from you and I really look up to you even though you are younger than me. :) I care who/ what I can learn from and you are definitely one of the best. Thank you Jennifer!
Great video, Jennifer and such an important message. You are truly a beacon of positivity, poise and grace.
I enjoyed this video, thank you for speaking about this issue because it is prevalent. I have a baby and when we enter the mall with me pushing the stroller I find that men don't tend to help hold the door- I can be holding the door open with one leg and using all my strength to then push in the stroller and no response- I have found though that other women, moms or even older women will rush toward the door to help me, I always thank them and voice how rare it us these days and how kind if them it was to help me. They always smile and voice that they "know what it's like."
Right after I graduated college, I moved to Washington, D.C. with two suitcases. On the train, I was clearly struggling with my luggage and instead of offering to help as I struggled down the aisle, the car attendant told me I needed to clear the aisles. I politely told him I was doing my best, but having a little trouble with my luggage (which was slightly wider than the narrow aisle). I asked him if he could help me lift one of my suitcases onto a luggage rack, and he simply said, "no". I said, "excuse me?", legitimately thinking there had been some miscommunication. His response was, "if I help you get it up there, I wouldn't be around to help you get it back down". I stared blankly at him before moving on, struggling on my own. I'm sure people thought I was a tourist who had over packed. Even still, people continued to trip over me and squeeze past. When I eventually got off the train, it was a mom carrying a baby who was the one to help me get my luggage off!!
+Jenny Williams That's terrible! He's an attendant who's supposed to attend to passengers!
I can totally relate to your last example! Here in Germany, the situation ist even worse - at least in big cities. I am 8 months pregnant and have to use the subway to get to work. Not even once throughout my whole pregnancy, no matter how crowded it was, did somebody offer me a seat. People even push me aside to get into the train faster so they can sit. So, as I'm not a person asking others for help, I stand there and see them staring at my belly, enjoying their comfortable way home 🙈
My God !!! Cant believe what you said !!!!! So sorry to hear this. I am from India and i believe in India you will be treated far better !!!
I could not agree with you more. As a divorced mom of a son, I made sure I instilled the importance of manners from a young age. I continue to be complimented on what a wonderful young man he has become. I also find that I have to teach manners to my 2nd and 3rd graders at school because many do not learn these at home.
I'm blessed to have been raised in a family where courtesy and genial kindness was the norm, including the Yankee city-dwellers among us. I think my brother, and decent men in general, especially can have difficulty determining how civil he can afford to be. He's a big guy with a sort of harmless, folksy look about him, not the sort that you'd suspect of trying to take advantage of you - yet he's gotten scolded and even "cussed out" by women for holding a door or offering assistance. We live in the South now, where friendliness is supposed to be the status quo!
But for the most part, people respond well, and as you say, can "come out of their funk" by a friendly gesture or word. Many, especially customer service workers, have remarked on the rarity of courtesy, and they end up giving us extra assistance or perks wherever possible. Getting something out of it is a terrible reason to start being friendly, but I'm not at all saying I don't enjoy the perks. ;)
We moved from SoCal to Texas 10 years ago and the best example of Southern Hospitality and common courtesy Texas-style occurred when we came to a 4-way stop sign in a small town. Every one of the 4 drivers was intent to let someone else go first that for some time we all just waved each other to proceed. No one wanted to move. The "wave" is alive and well here and we enjoy (and practice) al of those courtesies to our neighbors and strangers alike.
What an inspiring video, thank you! I can relate to everything you just talked about. Just last week, as I was taking a walk in our neighborhood, I passed a construction site where the workers where drinking coffee and eating cake, which had obviously been offered to them by someone living on that street (they had a nice platter with nice mugs of coffee) and I thought "that is such a nice thing to do for workers who are working outside the entire day". Our street is similar to yours, when one car comes, the other has to pull over - but here everyone always waves to say thank you. Finally, one of our neighbors always ignores me when we pass each other on the street, and as a consequence, I never "hi" but as you said, it doesn't feel natural nor right. Now I will always acknoldge her as you suggested :-) thank you
I completely agree with you, Jennifer. Once again I am inspired to be more courteous. Sometimes I just get too "busy" (and by "busy" I mean distracted by my own little bubble of work) to extend courtesy to others, like returning phone calls or emails, or simply saying hello when someone walks by my cubicle at work. You reminded me again that I need to raise the bar. Thank you.
PS Your first example makes me think of my great grandmother, she would take anyone in and feed them! She was very courteous and hospitable; she was a real lady.
You are absolutely right about it. No matter what...... we should keep on going with our good thoughts and good manners !!!!!!
Hi , I'm an English gentleman and etiquette and correct behaviour are all that I embrace. If we all attempted to be more courteous, loving and caring to one another, the world would be a better place.
Even with girl power, a gentleman would always ask if a lady needed help, out of politeness. Thank you for your videos, they are much appreciated. Simon.
Just watched this video yesterday and I was so happy to hear someone else is so dedicated to common courtesy! I wish more of my students knew/used common courtesies. On the plus side, I did just see a man hold open the door for his female coworker at the cafe I'm working in. There are people with courtesy out there! Sadly she didn't seem to notice (too focused on the cellphone in her hand), but nevertheless I was glad to see that the man had gotten the door.
I feel like common courtesies are so easy (saying thank you, getting the door). I smile every time a student greets me in the morning, says goodbye at the end of the day, or says thank you when I'm passing out an assignment.
Hi Jennifer! I have often experienced people "deciding" to be rude rather than polite and courteous, since I've settled here in the states. However, I have also been treated very properly by many too. I have to include that. The thing is though, coming from an island in North East Canada, I'm used to people treating each other as if they've known them all their lives. We hold doors open, say thank you, offer to help with "big boxed groceries ;)", and we absolutely wave if giving a break while driving. It comes naturally and instinctively. It would be odd if people did otherwise. Maybe it's an island mentality???? But it was a wonderful way to live everyday. As I go about my day here in the US, I continue to do as I did home. It really gives one a better feeling anyway! Hopefully it contagious.
Wanda.
+Wanda Amorose Island mentality sounds wonderful. I think we all need a little bit of it!
This SO SO important! I am constantly reminding my sons to use common courtesy. Please and thank you - is a must! It shocks me how many children are so demanding of not only their parents but of everyone they encounter! Good insight! We must model this behavior!
Yes, yes, yes! My mom always gives cold or hot drinks to the UPS and mailmen, depending on the weather. I also read an article recently about "customer service shalom", where someone decided that for Lent she was going to extend courtesy to the often ignored people who cross our lives everyday, like grocery clerks and people on the other end of the phone. I think that's a great idea.
Well said! We will remain hopeful that others will learn from our actions.
Since my kids have been able, I have taught them to hold doors, pick up things that others may drop, smile and say hello to others, etc. I just thought I was teaching them to be halfway decent people, but I have received so many compliments about how polite they are! Even from my own mother (who really should expect these things, since I learned from her).
I just loved all 3 of your books! I hated they came to an end
Like your parking lot story, someone saw me struggling but did nothing. We even made eye contact.... when I saw him again a few minutes later, I asked if he would have held a door for me had I requested help. He said, "Yes!" quite willingly, making me think there's a mental courtesy gap between though & action for some. Perhaps asking for help politely is another way to spread courtesy... Thanks for your work!
Hi Jennifer, thank you for sharing your thoughts! When I was young, I like to say hi to others when I see them. I received hurts from a lady because the reciprocate was a word from her mouth "stupid". I was hurt so much. In later years, I don't always like to say hi to others first. Although I know courtesy is important, the bad memories always hit back. After watching your video, I would like to learn more about common courtesy and be aware of manners more and more. Thank you!
I couldn't agree more with this video. Driving is such a challenge for me because I expect so much from humanity and am so often disapointed. The lack of common courtesy is quite saddening. Especially when some get behind the shield of a car!
I'm often surprised that if I am dressed nicely and make eye contact with men and smile (in a polite general way) that they will often go out of their way to hold a door. But when I'm dressed more casually I do not get the same treatment sadly. I guess that perfectly illustrates that when we let our appearances slip we also let our behaviors go with them!
I was at the grocery store when it was down pouring rain. A sweet elderly woman was waiting outside for the rain to stop or lighten up so she could safely get to her car. I stayed with her for a while and chatted. Of course I offered to bring her things to her car but she declined. I agree with your video and a lot of obvious gestures that should happen don't BUT can.
Lovely experience my husband and I had when in Edinbourgh people is so kind and gentle and friendly!!!
Make sure you teach your kids to be courteous and kind to people by example and they will do that too. Hopefully. I really enjoyed this segment. I'm very irritated when people do not reciprocate my courtesy too.
Thank you. Such an important message, especially now.
I definitely agree with you. I do though have one suggestion for Costco--when I shop there, I unload heavy items individually. My crates are in the trunk of the car, which makes it easier.
Lovely reading 👌🏻👍🏻
At Costco, you can have them help you load up your car... Just ask when they check your receipt. They will tell you where to leave your cart by the door then you just pull up your car.
My goodness I'm an older woman and no way I would have walked past you struggling!!! That's awful. Heck I'm worried about you when I see you clean your house on your videos!!!
+Melissa55 Melissa you crack me up! Haha Lots of love xx
I am not from the US and when I moved here I almost had a door smash in my face because I assumed the guy walking in front of me was going to hold it. I was wrong
One of the main qualities that attracted me to my partner were his manners. I like to think of him as the man who breaks the bystander effect. He always goes out of his way to help others or offer assistance. I didn't quite realise just how scarce these everyday gestures truly were until I met him. It really is a shame, though with the increased sense of danger in the world today I can understand why people are less likely to engage others around them. Also, waving to give way is definitely a thing in Britain! Expect some serious tutting if you don't wave your thanks.
I've just found your videos and I've been binge watching them all! I just love this one particularly though. I live in the suburbs of our main city here in Ireland. I can see it slipping big time. My biggest pet peeve is people going through the check out on their phone. They don't even acknowledge the cashier or say thank you! I don't expect a man to open the car door or pull a chair our for me though as I feel I'm an independent woman and I'm more than capable of doing that. I will say it irks me if people don't hold the door after them if they see someone coming, especially if they have a child in a buggy. Since having children I notice that people treat buggies as a nuisance and don't even move out of the way in a small shopping aisle. Older people always do though so that's how I know it's a generational thing. I've yet to meet an older gentleman that hasn't held a door open for me with the buggy!
Jennifer I totally agree. Where has society gone? The other day I helped an older woman get her large computer into her car, after several able body men passed her way. I am always trying to help others when I can.There are people who also go the opposite route. For instance, I was in line getting a prescription and an older woman started talking to the assistant while I was in mid sentence. Once addressed the woman wandered off and the assistant stated that was something that typically happens. I also opened a door yesteday for myself, and held it for the person behind me. When I turned a woman was standing in front of me with a look on her face because I didn't open the door and let her out first (there was another set of doors for exiting she just went to mine when I opened it).
Wish I could like this video 100 times !
My parents spent a year in Russia and 2 in Kazakhstan. They said if you go smiling at people they think you are a crazy person which is so sad. I am not judging these people as they have endured much in these countries and don't know who to trust, but it shows me that it is worth championing common courtesy in my country. We have had a good thing with our common courtesy here and we should fight to keep it even when it makes us uncomfortable.
I loved the examples you gave. I can't imagine not offering food and drink to someone. That blows my mind. As for the not waving I have mixed emotions. A thank you wave is second nature to me but I have been instructed by friends who are on the police force that thank you waves can incite road rage as they can be misinterpreted. Also eye contact with another driver can be interpreted as an aggressive act by some. The incidents of road rage due to misinterpretation and/or cultural differences are on the rise so now I'm not sure what to do. I will always offer to help others but I have been very rudely told about 60% of the time to mind my own business. Many males I know want to offer to help but are worried about frightening women (a sad commentary on society) or being told off. I understand why they feel that way as I have seen men called names because they held a door open for a woman. Sad! I find that women tend to be the rudest, especially when it comes to being ungracious when a door is held open for them. Calling men Neanderthals, chauvinists, pigs and other awful names is so common that I do understand why men are reluctant to cultivate what used to be common courtesies.
Well Said Ma'am! God Bless You! 😻👍
What a beautiful story... helping the worker at your home. It would be lovely to hear more stories from around the globe to inspire us. Many Thanks:-))
Beautifully said Jennifer! We do live in a time if entitlement and of instant gratification. The bible foretold of a time when people would grow colder and I think we are only seeing the beginning of it. I like the reminder of doing what we know is right and if the other person doesn't smile or wave it's on them. I say that when leaving the house instead of checking your hair & make up to check your expression. How many people realize how mad, mean or angry they look? No wonder everyone is cranky when that is what so many people are broadcasting with their hostile expressions!
As far as Costco goes, they don't NEED to make those boxes so heavy! I bring my Trader Joe shopping bags for them to pack. They are still heavy but easier than those boxes. Costco could have sent an employee out to help you. Remember those grocery store days with courtesy clerks?!
I also wanted to say how much I enjoyed hearing stories of kindness and also learning that Texas still has a cowboy or two left! ♡ I am also appreciate learning that it is happening all over the country and not just here in Washington. I thought it was due to the lack of vitamin D we all suffer from here! ;-)
Helping someone who obviously needs help is not common courtesy, it's common decency.
Hi Jennifer, I think this is also a cultural thing. In my culture the things that you speak of are common sense. It is interesting to think that these things r going above and beyond, when really it's not a big deal.
Completely get u.