Attachment Theory Explained - Attached Animated Book Summary
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- čas přidán 13. 05. 2019
- In this video I summarize the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in detail. I have been wanting to summarize this book for a long time. In fact, this was supposed to be the fourth video I uploaded! Better late than never.
This has been one of the most eye opening books I've ever read! I hope you find it useful!
If you liked this video, check out my book summary on the book "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.
• Commitment Phobia Expl...
Get the book here: amzn.to/2W1bubM
Useful videos by The School of Life:
How to Cope With an Avoidant Partner: • How to Cope With an Av...
The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: • The Challenges of Anxi...
Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up: • Why Avoidant and Anxio...
What Is Your Attachment Style?: • What Is Your Attachmen...
How Romantic Attachment Works: • How Romantic Attachmen...
The Fear of Intimacy: • The Fear of Intimacy
"Neediness fades away when our emotional needs are met." was the sentence that did it for me. I was familiar with the rest of the content but never saw anyone put this concept in a sentece so clearly. Let the world know!
순돌이 so glad to know this helped you!
I'm avoidant to the people who love me more, and anxious to people I love.
Same !!
Same! What to do? :(
Fearful attachment / disorganised attachment
@@SevisijaI recommend you read the book. It goes into more detail on how to navigate through your attachment.
You're anxious because they don't love you, or they too are avoidant as you attract what you are at that given time, your stuck in a loop and feel no spark with a secure healthy person because you don't know any better, I changed avoidant too secure but being with my ex partner for 3 years she allowed me to be vulnerable it was't toxic it was balanced fun, meaningful and uplifting. I won't go back or settle for less.
Realizing now that I was in a relationship with an Avoidant person broke me down. It makes so much sense now. When we started dating, I considered myself a Secure person. But through out our 4 year relationship, I feel as if I slowly turned into an Anxious person. I just bought 'Attached' and hopefully I can sort out through my current emotional mess. I broke if off with my Avoidant boyfriend three months ago and I'm still hurting.
Meli Mel I'm sorry that happened to you. Thanks for sharing, though. Healing takes time, but you'll get there. Good luck!
Happened to me as well. A 5 year relationship. I was the anxious type, she was the avoidant type.
This happend to me too. I was secure he was avoidant. He treated me so badly that I became anxious because he wouldn't meet any of my needs. I broke up with him and ill never go back. Interesting how the avoidants never forget us and then idealise us after the breakup. Serves him right.
Great I think I am avoidant and anxious at the same time lol. This is why I have such a tough time
same lol.
Same haha
It’s called fearful avoidant attachment
disorganized, my doctor said maybe people with trauma or personality disorder has this both of attachment issue
That’s the fearful avoidant. It’s anxious and avoidant mixed together
I had to put down my phone because this is spot on. I have an anxious attachment. Thank you soo much. Now, the work begins.
1 Avoidant (~escapist)
2 Anxious (~doubty)
3 Secure 9:50
This book is a must have I was speechless but i managed to define which attachment style I belong to I’m in love with it 😍☘️🧿
Great overview!
P. Rabbitt glad you liked it!!
Great video, and great summary of the book :) The last slide is my favourite when you review HOW to effectively communicate what you are feeling and asking for what you need WITHOUT SHAME!
Kimbee glad you liked it!
Excellent video, thanks!
Cristian Lovo you’re welcome!
This helped. Thank you
Daniel Ram you’re welcome!
Great job!
Thanks!
Thank you this was helpful especially the examples of common behaviors, been in these situations and clear communication would've saved a lot of time and needless effort.
Tich Mbiri you’re welcome!!
This was really good, I have read the book. I think you described the message really well. I also love the graphics! Well done!
Anya Pechko thank you! It’s a great book!
I learnt a lot. Thanks
Rosiegoojie good to know! Thanks for commenting!
BEST VIDEO OUT THERE on the subject.
Jill Rice wow! Thanks for saying that! So glad you liked it!
This really is useful information.
Xolani Philile Mema I agree!
Anxious with Avoidant in my case. Boy did I get the short end of the stick here. I'm the "soulmate" broke my heart case.
Thank you for the super informative video
mort you’re welcome!
superb stuff
kannan parthi thanks for the comment! Glad you liked it!
I just went through a breakup myself... I think that I'm an anxious person who is attracted to avoidants... I may be a mix of both though
Even though I come across as needy, because I'm seeking constant validation, I'm also a little avoidant myself.
I wanted to tell her I loved her... but I couldn't... it hurt her feelings I think. We're now broken up and I don't know if we'll ever see each other again.
Thank you for this video
how is the situation now? if i may ask^^
Fabulous presentation! Easy to understand. I’ve never heard intimacy pronounced that way.
Susan Canter thank you so much! lol I later learned that that's not the correct way to pronounce the word "intimacy." English is not my native language, but I do my best.
@@lovesense7246 I figured as much. You are extraordinarily. Simple, concise, informative, and clear. This is from a teacher and therapist. High praise doesn’t come often from me.
@@susancanter2909 oh wow! That’s super kind of you! Thank you!
This video is GOLD..!!🙌🙌🙌
Loved it..!💝
Ninad Nagpure so glad you liked it!
@@lovesense7246 Do u have a video that explains practical ways and methods of changing the attachment style to secure type..? for both anxious and avoidant type...
Or a video explaining how to cope up with the downsides/negative traits of anxious and avoidant attachment styles..?
@@ninadnagpure880 not yet... but I am currently working on it and it will probably be the next video I put out. I'm hoping it will help avoidant and anxious types, as well as people with commitment phobia!
IzzyNobre recomended , nice video.
Telécio thanks man!
This is so good! I didn't know my girlfriend was the anxious type until you mentioned all those things
Really good video
Flatline it’s always good to understand your partner better! ;)
Has anyone ever ACTUALLY overcome an anxious attachment style? I’ve found ZERO records/case studies of such a person
Self-soothe, opposite actions, building assertiveness especially in communication skills, identifying values for self and boundaries for relationships. The style defines things like putting a word to it, it’s up to you on recognizing the emotion/action is leaning towards it and doing something about it to get to secure attachment if that’s what you want. It’s going to suck and be painful at times, accept that it’s a part of the healing process and keep going towards the healing direction area anyways (look into Acceptance and Commitment Theory). This is all a just a tool to inform you of how to work on it.
I wonder the also. For both anxious and avoidant. Especially at my age .. 50 or around this age. I think some people are just going to say “I am who I am” I wish I learned this in my 20’s and not mid 40’s.
Oh yes definitely. Just don’t be with a DA partner or you will have little shot.
The phantomex phenonmenon... dream are my reality...
< Secure with an avoidant for 19 years. Yes, it's miserable
Why are you sticking it through?
I feel like I was an avoidant as a teenager but dealt with my issues. Then went into a relationship with an avoidant who was abusive and I became really anxious. Now i have some anxious traits, but no protest behaviour and I feel mostly secure. Is that a thing ?
I'm anxious when it comes to friendship relationships. But I become avoidance when in a dating relationship
I am opposite, very avoidant in platonic friendships and extremely anxious with a romantic partnership
Ehi do you know where i Can find more on thé phantomex phenomenon? Thanks
Where my avoidant homies at?? Ayo y'all we gon recover 🙏🔥🔥
Looks like I‘m attachment fluid because I fit into all 3
Do we need to Accept our attachment Style, or do we need to change It to secure in order to be successful in relationships?
I am anxious .... I would say don't change it but work on understanding. I find it hard to understand how hugging me is that hard but I am working on it. It's why I started reading this book.... I may not be able to work on things alone but I'll try to do my best, so in a sense if you find yourself that you can compromise while still trying to meet your needs and asking for them I think that's good enough. So don't change but understand and know that understanding won't come easy or quickly .... and that's from experience.
What is “in-Tim-is-ee?”
I’m an anxious type while my partner is an avoidant type and let me tell you I’m worn out and don’t know what to do I’m trying to reprogram myself into a secure type so it can better our relationship and he denies that he has any issues with attachment 🙄😩 it kills me because I really wanna be with him 😶😓
Be careful you might wore yourself to the bone. An avoider can destroy you and leave you in pieces and blame you for it. All the best to you.
He’s a sociopath. Avoidants don’t change
I read the book last year and thought I was secure the whole time. But now I realized im very very very VERY avoidant. And I know exactly why.. Well now i guess im gonna try to become secure...
my girl is awesome!
Idk why I found myself laughing during this. But it’s so tru tho😂
I’m anxious and avoidant! Also how do I even begin to change this pattern. I have secure attachments to.
It’s called anxious avoidant attachment (also known as fearful avoidant). Read everything you can. Your question is from 10 months ago, so I hope you’ve found a little more info by this point!
How interesting.
My parents died when I was 2 apparently that’s where my issues come from?
Lucky my boyfriend is a secure type.
My mate is avoidant attachment style for sure, men obsess over her.
Myra House the death of a parent can definitely affect people in many different ways! Check out my “How to heal trauma” video. You might find it useful!
My mom died when I was two also and my dad never around. I think of this all the time. Then adopted by dysfunctional family members. I was a lost cause from day one .
Is it possible to be both a little?
When I first heard of this topic I thought I was definitely the avoidant type but after watching this I’m sure I’m the anxious type. But I also have some of the signs of the avoidant type, meaning that I didn’t feel ready to commit in my last relation. Am I making this up in my mind or is it possible to have some of both because I would say it’s like 80/20 in favor of anxious attachment style. Thanks for any help in advance :)
I think I’m both. I don’t get jealous my partner is cheating or feel really needy. I do want validation and equal give and take. But I get a little crazy dating an avoidant bc they are so confusing. So I seek constant clarity and ask where we stand. At the same time I’m afraid of emotional intimacy. I don’t know what I am lol. I think I need to avoid the avoidant attachment men.
And the Fearful Style?!
I had anxious attachment 😝
Wow. It's made to sound so simple... and yet it doesn't "feel" so simple. I'm wondering also about manipulating behavior. You (they) didn't seem to cover the realm of power dynamics and how sometimes these dynamics can lead to some abusive types of behaviors... I mean our feelings are "ours" to be responsible for and... how we act out because of our feelings is not necessarily ok. Hmmm. Good stuff to think on in here though.
I'm also thinking that this description of these "styles" explains the extremes and that there is broad variation...
Anxious with avoidance qualities. How do I become secure?
Metalhead0985 I’m currently working on a video that could possibly help you with that. I’m hoping it won’t take me too long to complete.
@@lovesense7246 awesome thank you!
@@Metalhead0985 heal your childhood traumas
What's the cure?
👏
The only thing I need in any of my lifetimes is the TARDIS. A great traveling companion.
I am the secure type and i struggle finding a secure man because i've dated so many avodiant type in the past 😔😔
I feel like I'm both the anxious and avoidant, is that possible?
@Anna Schmid It is!
I believe if you put them on a triangle people will exist on any pinpoint within that triangle.... everything is on a spectrum
Yes I’ve been reading the book and in the book you’re moving attachment styles so you could be anxious becoming avoidant if you’re not getting the love you need or Vice verse avoidant becoming anxious
Ther’s a 4th one wich they are not talking here about. The disorganized attachement style. Woch is a mix of anxious and avoidant
I am the same...i believe that is called disorganized attachment..
I’m an avoidant who dates anxious types.
You’re a sociopath
wow i used to be anxious and now im an avoidant. i didnt even realize i became an avoidant lol
wow this is new subject to learn about why im still single why i heat and love been single
Damnnnn I'm the anxious type.... disappointing😪😂
x-lTendency x It's not your fault that the life you had as a child made you develop an anxious attachment style. You now have awareness and you can do something about it. It sucks to find that out, but I wouldn't say it's disappointing.
Yup, it sucks to find out that you're a anxious type...😂😂😂
But yeah, rather than being disappointed, I'm grateful for the fact that now I know how I am and I can do something about it..!
Imagine all the years of pain this will save us if we would've been with the wrong person...
Well, now I know myself better..!💝🤘
I'm currently in a relationship with an anxious person and she takes control of the relationship somehow. It feels like she always has the upperhand. I find it extremely difficult to leave.
Just take some space, but show u care. And that the space is to save the relationship.
Show her you care. Anxious attachment people are the best, most sensitive, most caring partners. They simply want the best kind of relationship and are hurt when their partner isn’t up to snuff. Be better
💗
SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THIS:
This theory does not take into account the law of attraction.
I am an anxious but can behave exactly like an avoidant when I'm not attracted to that person.
Furthermore my anxious type only becomes present when it's someone I really like.
Then my anxious attachment gets triggered and I start texting like crazy as they pull away.
So is the whole theory predicated on attraction?
I've read the book and it references mistaking a activated attachment theory for love but I swear I'm attracted to them first by certain physical traits first.
Am I dating avoidants? Or is my behaviour turning them avoidant?
It's happened with 8 girls over past 30 years, someone please help.
9:41 "Unconcerned about boundaries"? That doesn't sound healthy for a secure attachment.
The only point i coudn't apply to myself. Seems like something an anxious attachement style person would relate to themself. the need to have someone that could make you unconcerned about boundaries
is it really the case that anxious cannot date avoidants? ...or is it somehow possible to do so safely? @Love Sense Love Sense
Anthony C the book doesn't recommend it... relationships between anxious and avoidant types don't usually work out.
"Is it somehow possible to do so safely?" If they both have a good understanding of attachment theory, and they're both aware of their own attachment style as well as their partner's... maybe they could make it work.
I think that the best thing they could do is to try to change their attachment style to a more secure one. I'll be releasing a video about that soon. I'm hoping insecure types will find it useful.
@@lovesense7246 oh I’d loooove to see that one...
I actually learned all this after the first ‘break up” with an avoidant and learned about attachment styles/theory from Coach Craig Kenneth on CZcams.
Actually he recently released his course to heal your attachment style and become secure.. it’s a bit pricey but yeah you might want to check it out.. (it’s on his website)
if you could put out practical content like that on healing your attachment style that would be suuuuper.
Nobody can date avoidants. They are sociopaths. Anybody can date anxious they are the best partners IF you simply give them love and care.
@@PeteMD you really think avoidants are sociopaths?
Lol
Idk about that but a narcissists most common attachment style is DA
@@lovesense7246 it’s been two years lol and I’m only seeing this thread again because someone replied. Have you made a video on it yet?
I'm avoident 😀
Can I be mostly anxious and avoidant too?
Guillaume Benoit absolutely! The book mentions that a small percentage of the population is both anxious and avoidant.
@@lovesense7246 if anything, I think the book downplays the occurrence of this "phenomenon" let's say. I feel like I've met TONS of people who share both traits.
How do I really know its a attachment or love to my partner thats what i want to know!!!!
Wow I'm avoidant do you think I can fix it
sleepwalk I think so! I will be talking about that in the future!
i know my anxious is deeply rooted with my empty childhood dreams of “earning mom’s love” some day, just gotta do this and not do this and say that but not like that, and one day this cruel woman will hug me. and not like she does very “randomly” aka half blacked out speaking in that stupid gross high pitch but to some other kid she fantasized up in place of me, recalling memories about museum trips and bedtimes stories that have never happened. sure i might have hardly a handful of cohesive recordings of my childhood within my brain but i know for sure i did not, as a preschooler, intentionally ignore all those amazing times with her so i could dramatically dig out an old passport photo of hers and tape it to the cd case trying to replicate her height, or how far away her face felt to me as a small kid even got for age…. turned out she had schizophrenia all along. i mean sounds obvious like duh but idk i guess i really didn’t want the figurative “all my efforts (in relationship with her) were never shit” but genuinely looking at a body of the seemingly same woman that sure put me through hell, but at least shared that hell with me once, now is genuinely oblivious to anything conflicting with her now perfect rich remarried narrative… it literally doesn’t exist. the only other person who was in the room with me as my fundamental concept of my own worth not as a person but a life in general, some of my deepest darkest scars, is gone. without a trace, i genuinely look back and realize i don’t have a single proof even to myself that i didn’t just dreamt it all up. no photos, no friends or relatives, no souvenirs just to reassure myself in the mirror that it all actually happened. by now it’s same with my darkest and happiest memories in life, i fundamentally burnt out to the point of not being decent enough to take my own life and sorta just ameba-ing around awaiting the fatal idk brick falling on my head or a crazy bus driver …
110 % avoidant 😬 is it bad to feel ok about it? Even a little happy to have it scientifically confirmed that the one does not exist after all :) now I can feel happy alone without having to worry about finding him 😊 thanks! This was healing.
I’m still stuck on how he says intimacy
Grace Ritz lol sorry about that
I realized that I am a Anxious Attachment Style while my ex-girlfriend was Secure Attachment Style, then a long of period of time, she left because she's tired of me.
What if i'm three of them 😂
It's called "Disorganized Attachment Style". You can look into it.
Avaoidants seem narcissistic af... Which my anxious Azz fell for time after time... ug
Is the narrator a robot? Sounds like it...
Trancepower Hypnosis hahaha I am not, but I definitely need to work on my voice.
Yikes I feel so attacked🥺🤭
This book to some part okay but it is also misleading and stereotyping people. That's the biggest misjudgment writer has made.
:((((((
I get what you mean haha ديمه الغامدي
i grew in prison so i have the opposite of this
at 7:41any "normal person". wow! judgemental and unproductive
kram32694 what I meant to say was “any secure person.”
the book had only examples of straight couples, felt like it was written in the fifties. it made sense though, just very heteronormative
Hey @izzynobre let's see if I can really learn some interesting s**t from this