BPD Relationship Problem: You Don't Exist If I Can't See You (Out of Sight, Out of Love)
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- čas přidán 17. 01. 2023
- Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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In this video, we’re going to discuss emotional permanence which is the feelings of abandonment, rejection, and emptiness that you feel when someone you love and trust cannot be physically present or immediately contacted. I will also go over 5 techniques I use with my clients to overcome this issue and build a healthy, secure and trusting relationship.
Many individuals with BPD have a difficulty emotionally understanding that an object, or person you love and trust, exists when they cannot see them, or talk to them. This is related to an impairment in development to attain object constancy, which is a cognitive skill we typically acquire at around two to three years old. It is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or contacted in some way. These objects are called you’re “trusted objects” and often include your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, parent, friend, therapist, etc. For those with BPD it’s called a lack of emotional permanence because it relates to the emotional despair you feel when that trusted object is not visible or cannot be reached immediately.
Developing emotional permanence is not easy, there’s no pill for it. It’s a complex issue, but so important to your development beyond BPD and to do it differently and have a secure relationship with not only trusted others, but with yourself as well. Leave me feedback about this video and how you have developed emotional permanence in your world.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
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Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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This is crazy 😥 I remember joking years ago to a therapist that I felt like I lacked object permanence, and what I meant by that was specifically about relationships. I can feel secure and happy when I’m physically present with someone, and then deeply anxious (panicky) and insecure as soon as I’m no longer with them, that they don’t like me anymore. It is torture 😥 it is a constant daily torture
It is TORTURE. Neurotypical people have no idea how bad it feels
I feel the same, been soothing myself a lot cause I love the guy I am with now and do not wish him to feel anxious due to my stress
Yes I am the exact same way! I thought I was just crazy and overly jealous and paranoid all these years! Finally makes sense now.
100
Yes and then once (I was very young) I had a long-distance romantic relationship… omg it was so. Bad. It was before messengers were a thing and you had to pay for each sms too, calls were so expensive as well. But I was young and in love and didn’t realize I felt so anxious and broken not because this is what love was - anxious and broken - but because I was just not a person who could do long distance in such a way. It screwed me up even more lol.
This concept ironically works as a double-edged sword. While people with BPD are terrified of being abandoned and ghosted, they are adapted experts at reflecting that very fear and using it to abandon and ghost their significant others. They split, then suddenly cut you out and all forms of communication. They don’t see you anymore, so now you don’t exist. They use their fears and triggers to now shut you completely out and THAT’s what’s so jarring about BPD breakups, for the one that doesn’t have the disorder. They make their own deepest fears a self fulfilling prophecy for YOU.
She hurt me so bad man
@@user-fu7te7gv7v I’m sorry bro. Just know that it does fade. A year ago, waking up was the worst part of my day. The pain immediately rushed back in and I’d just lay there in the dark, brooding over the loss. After a year I finally don’t miss my ex AT ALL. It takes absolutely zero contact and completely putting them behind you. Look at the healing process like grieving a death. Whatever you do, during this time, contacting them is out of the question. For your own safety, sanity, health and future, leave them ALONE. Every time you pick the scab it’ll just bleed and it’ll just bring you lower and lower.
@@steves3032 I’m in a very similar situation, but mine is a bit more serious than that. Just be grateful that there isn’t a felony charge against you. It’s very typical for borderlines to get the law involved, over breakups. Honestly, the protective order is helping you. Leave her alone, or you may find yourself in jail.
@@user-fu7te7gv7v I responded to this, but it never posted my comment, or it deleted it. I’m sorry to hear that, bro. It took me an entire year to get over my BPD ex, but I truly do not miss her, nor even think about her anymore. It DOES get better. The most important thing you can do right now, is leave her completely alone. It can get very serious, if you don’t leave a borderline alone, after they’ve discarded you. I know it hurts, but it absolutely does fade.
@calebnewell5032 man I don't understand we were together for 6 years and I was proposing in 2 weeks unbeknownst to her she just left went no contact and it feels like my whole world came crashing down around me I'm so very hurt I still love her with all my life
My partner has become an excellent support with this issue. Some solutions we've found are: the day before separation is our day to spend time together, we write letters that I can read while we're apart, we have talks about the fact that physical touch is an expression of love and not all of love, he sends lots of photos while we're apart, and he now knows that I need to hear factual statements about our relationship out loud (even as simple as saying I love you) because I find it hard to tell myself these things when I'm alone.
But I wonder of this is just masking the issue and not fixing it
@@viperb4148 Yes, because we have permanent attachment issues.
Even post ALL therapies when BPD can be in remission, research shows relationships stay strained...
Because there's a fundamental issue with attachment, so it has to be mitigated SOMEHOW.
I think not putting everything into one person all the time is the ideal way to go about it 🤷 but that's tough for everyone to get on board with
Cat ran away, was sexually attacked without mom knowing, and my Grandpa who took care of me all the time died all in the same month when I was 3. I am married and after 14 years I am starting to believe my husband will come home and still love me. He always does, but it has taken years for it to sink in.
Lol
So sorry it's been so difficult, I feel for you. 😔
aw im so happy for you keep going ((:
I never considered this as part of my BPD...I thought it was separation anxiety...when my husband is at work or at the gym, I feel so empty and lonely...this video has been so helpful, thank you
I know exactly how you feel. When my husband is at work, I feel so empty, I start to "disappear". It's gotten a little better over the years, but it's still there. I could offer a little advice, not that I'm a shining example of recovery. You could use the time he's gone to listen to some music that he doesn't particularly like that you do like, or work on a hobby he's not interested in.
@@BeingBetter thank you...those are great ideas and I will have to try them
Super cool is u..💯
@@BeingBetter See, it's these types of comments that make me realize that, in order to be a great and compatible couple, you don't HAVE to have (or agree on) EVERYTHING in common. I'm over here still just trying to figure out what compatibility even LOOKS like, let alone figure out what the heck is "wrong" with ME ! 😂😅 Anyway, thanks for your comment, they help some of us out here in more ways than you even realize.
Yes, I thought it was separation anxiety as well.
This explains clearly why only in romantic relationships I feel absolutely anxious when the partner is not available, takes me down the rabbit hole thinking he is cheating, he does not love me, he is just fooling around, how he would like me?, he is definitely trying to get back with his ex ... horrible thoughts that make me really unhappy. With a lot of mindfulness and meditation I put my thoughts to bed and in the morning once he text everything seems alright. I do not wish this feeling to my worst enemy.
Thank you so much for your videos are eye opening and help to know where to work on!
I know the feeling. It's horrible to deal with, I wouldn't wish it upon a soul either. I hope you're taking care and getting better, I'll try to do the same!!!
How do you manage this ?
This explains why the quiet BPD woman I met on a vacation and had an intense romance with, ghosted me the moment she returned home. The long distance made me invisible even though she treated me like I was her knight in shining armor.
I think the goal for me is to feel safe when alone.
SAME
For me it isn't You don't exist if I can't see you. It's more I don't exist if I can't see you. I feel empty, invisible non existent, yet when say my partner is here I feel whole, complete I am here. When they are gone, they don't vanish I do.
same
I started telling the folks I'm dating about my BPD and my recovery. I feel that a lot of folks downplay the diagnosis and how we came about it. It's not a pimple. I'd love for it to just go away and I choose to be normal. But that's now how it works and I'm doing my best to be patient with me. I wish other folks could be more transparent and genuine. I've loved demons. Pure demons. I'm not afraid of anyone's dark because I'm not afraid of mine anymore. I just wish someone would be honest and say hey I'm fkd up in this way I love you though and then I can say it's okay I'm fucked up in THIS way and I really just want to love and be loved by you. Please.
Oh lord, same! I know my demons, I'm not scared of anyone else's. Just wish mine weren't so scary for others.
8:27 When my DBT therapist was unavailable, your videos were my go-to for grounding and pushing back on the sense of emotional impermanence. You are always available to listen to on CZcams and such a great source of validation and comfort to me.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
I have compulsive BPD to the fullest extent, thats ruined all the relationships ive had. Ive been in this lonely, shameful state for 9 months now. Youre the only channel out of the many ive watched, that gives me hope for myself. So thank you
When I was having trouble with this. I wrote a short note and posted it by my bed. It was many years ago, and I’m not 100% sure what I wrote. But it said ~ “he still loves you, even if he doesn’t say it” and I really had to start telling myself “nothing has changed, he still loves me, this is just my mind going off on a rant” and over the years, I firmly believe I now have full object (person) permanence. I was never diagnosed, because my symptoms were all internalize, I turned the anger inward on myself, no one ever knew, and I didn’t understand the feelings or thoughts well enough to talk to a mental health professional
I take pictures so I have something to look back on that evokes the memories. That way I know, hey if they didn't like me, or want me they wouldn't have done all these fun things with me.
I’m very much an out of sight/out of mind kind of person. That’s one reason why I can get over someone pretty quickly especially if I’m not friends with them on social media. At the same time, if I’m missing my person but see them active on social media it gives me a bit of comfort bc it’s like they’re still there in a sense. Sounds weird I know lol but it can help me not freak out at times
Omg i m the same
Yeah same. If I detach then I detach. It's kinda scary hw quickly I cn get over someone.
I just got diagnosed with BPD today. My best friend of 6 years is moving 3 states away in two days and I've been distraught over it. You put my feelings into words for me. Thank you.
I’m struggling so much with this because nothing’s inherently wrong with my relationship, I just can seem to feel secure, safe and loved when I’m alone and this makes the whole experience of a relationship something less enjoyable at times
I feel like I want to stay by myself until I’m “ready” to function properly with a partner but I don’t want to break up, neither want to be alone
BPD is full of mind games and it’s exhausting
Sounds like you’re developing some good insight into that. It is more a perspective and BPD issue then it is related to your relationship itself. I want to encourage you to use that insight to develop adaptive strategies. I wish you all the best.
It's so true..
Does this perhaps mean that you don’t actually love your partner? As in, you allow the romantic relationship to continue just so you don’t feel alone, while your partner believes you consciously & actively choose & love growing the relationship & future with him/her.
Are you with your partner just because he/she was & is available at a convenient time & happens to provide you enough presence & just enough company to be kept around by you?
@@Sokal.D Funny. Your response reminded me of this comment I made approximately a year ago and…we’re not together anymore and all that part were “nothing was inherently wrong” was not true, I was in a toxic dynamic with this person and all of the fears that I was having were actually valid, not just in my head. There was a lot of manipulation involved so there I was trying to find the problem in me when the problem was actually him.
@@b108bthis. Finally broke off a toxic rship and I'm legit done. He's so emotionally manipulative and most importantly, I don't feel soothed when I'm w him. I'm anxious, confused, sad, angry and on edge all the time when I'm w him AND when I'm apart of him. I just don't trust him like how I trust some of my guy friends and ofc most of my girls
This helps me understand why I do the thing with friends... ugh if only I had learned this before I lost my 2 best friends a few months ago because they couldn't put up with it anymore 😭 one actually helped the other move out while I was at work 💔 you can't imagine...
I’m glad it was helpful.
What couldn’t they put up with anymore that caused them to leave?
I’d like to say something about Dr. Fox’s idea that when we encounter incidences whereby we believe our trusted object has abandoned/rejected us, that we experience intense stress and can split at this point- but that fear no longer reflects the reality.
For me that hasn’t been my experience. My husband of 26 years had an affair which absolutely echoed and reawakened/retraumatised my massive abandonment fears from childhood and confirmed again that I can still never count on a secure, trusting and soothing “object.”
This wasn’t the past projected forward, this was in present time. My childhood fear did in fact reflect the reality.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's important to remember that everyone's experiences are unique and can vary greatly. It's unfortunate that your fears from childhood were confirmed, but it's also important to acknowledge that not all situations will be the same.
I keep a very lovely card my friend gave me for my birthday out on my dresser to remind me that as things change, our lives get busy, and she makes new friends, she still loves me and is still my friend. I used to see or call her as many as 3-5 times a week. Now it's once a week maybe as our lives and schedules and places we live change. It was a difficult transition for me, but her hand written card full of love reassures me whenever my BPD makes me doubt.
This is so sweet. I have pictures and notes frm my friends pasted on my vanity too so I can see them every time i miss them.
this is exactly what im going through.. was not ready for this
You're going to do great, just give yourself a chance! You're going through this now, but if you feel like you aren't up to it right now, you can come back and watch it tomorrow, or soon. It's okay to come back to something later if it's too much right now. : )
I was just talking to my best friend about this very subject and how much I struggle with remembering that she still loves me even though she’s extremely busy and I feel my abandonment wound being triggered🥺😭 you so much Dr Fox!
This 😭😭
FINALLY a video about why I cried every time I was left alone as a child!
I kept telling people it's not because I'm scared to be alone, but because I worry for my parents. I cried every time I was alone till age 16 when we got mobile phones the first time, and suddenly it stopped, as I was able to access them instantly if I needed to.
Wow! Makes sense why I’ve behaved that way in the past in certain situations. When I was 2-3 years old I was told that my parents hung out & partied a lot & my sisters took care of me so I know that’s where my issue lies.
I was the Trusted Object and Favorite Person for my ex who has unconventional BPD (Impulsive). She told me on our third date that she needed to have whomever she was with near her often or else she would start thinking about how much better off she is being single. That was a red 🚩, but in my Love-bombed state I didn't read much into it because every moment with her was heaven, so sign me up for having more of this all the time. Why wouldn't I want to spend all my time with her??? 🤦♂️
Well, once the love bombing was over and the resentment/contempt phase started if I was literally five minutes later getting home from a Home Depot run for her than she expected because I stopped for a burger, I'd get texts like "Where are you???" "Are you alone? Is she pretty?" 😳 Seriously?! They just took a little while to mix the paint is all, but it became a constant cycle of accusations, defensive questions that were really accusations in question form, and always assuming the worst of me.
I tried to ramp up my care and attention thinking that would help, and fell heart-first into the brainwashing. Thankfully she finally demonized me enough that she broke it off, and then got really pissed when I wouldnt "fight for her" or chase her (after being told in no uncertain terms "We're finished." "Don't ever speak to me again", etc...)
I'm glad for the life lessons from this relationship and am now much better informed of warning signs but more than that, I know what I REALLY want and deserve from a partner.
This video really hit home and brought a lot of clarity. Thank you for helping us!
Accusations in question-form.. you've hit the nail on the head there, buddy.
Sounds similar to the girl that's just broke up with me after 3 years. Even though logically I can see hiw unhealthy it all was and being the good guy trying to save her messed me up. Was yours a quick recovery I feel really confused and lost
@huntersblades2895 Everyone is different, so I can't speak to the length of recovery or reintegration of your true self before this relationship, but I can recommend some valuable resources. 1) CODA (Codependents Anonymous) was a very important thing for me. It's free. It's very good. It really helped me.
2) Trusted friends who could hold space for me as I went through my shit and did the deep shadow work that I brought her to me in order to instigate. 3) a meditation and mindfulness practice centered around forgiveness, grace, and gratitude. For myself AND for her.
At the end of the day, pondering deeply on the following questions are what helped me the most; "How is this FOR me"? And "What do I prefer to experience now, and next time"?
Best of luck in your learning and recovery. ❤
Woops I did this with my ex too. It's nt like we wanna accuse you we just have a lot of issue but if she's not going for therapy then she should and maybe it's not just her, maybe you've done or said things that make her doubt u. Rarely is it 100% one person's fault so don't try to put the blame on her too brp.
You're the coolest, Doctor Fox! 😎
I appreciate you so much!! I've been struggling with emotional permanence, but I didn't realize it was actually a thing. I keep thinking I feel like a baby that hasn't developed object permanence and it's driving me up the wall. I'm in a long distance relationship and have been able to fly there at least once a month since we got serious, which helps so much, but I feel like I lose it whenever I get on the plane. Thankfully, the person I'm seeing is super patient and naturally gives me a sense of security. I hate that I need him nearby so badly and want to be able to give him space without losing myself in the process.
I appreciate your videos so much, Doctor Fox!! You always do a great job of explaining what I experience or struggle with, and you give me tools to help manage myself. Thank you!! 💜
Hey Dr. Fox,
Before I was diagnosed with BPD I wondered why I was so emotional when being alone. I knew it was unhealthy for me to have this fear of being alone and so I finally told my therapist, even though it sounds silly... I had this realization that it feels like 'I don't exist' when I can't be seen or heard as well. It's more of a feeling that I am the one who doesn't exist for me.
This can change with time and therapy.
I don't struggle with the disorder but I needed this for someone I know, thank you!
Thanks for helping out a friend/loved one.
Ya that’s really cool of you, there’s not many friends who would do this I don’t know a single persons who would lol. reading comments on videos like this always gives me some hope for humanity which is good cause I have been running out
It's not easy but I try my best
@@GSR-oh3ngmy friends don't watch these videos but they've picked up on how insecure I am and always give me reassurance through texts even when they're so far away frm me. There is good in people.
@@craigmoye2322on behalf of the community we thank you.
I think it's helpful to talk to a trusted friend who understands you and your past, and set a protocol - sort of like an accountability partner. This person is responsive for these "urgent" moments when you need someone to give you respectful and gentle perspective, before you blow the situation up into something that really will alienate someone.
I can’t even believe this came out today. Thank you Dr. Fox, I was journaling for a session about this very thing. Thank you for making this video longer than most, it is appreciated! I think I have had a breakthrough today and everything in here was the icing on the cake. You’re topics seem to be just what I’m needing to put the BPD puzzle together. A heartfelt thank you! 🙏
I can't say thank you enough for giving us these tools. You are changing lives ❤️
I've had this most of my life.. after my break up with my abusive fiancé it took me few years to learn away from this, but couldn't ever understood how deep this went! Explains so much, thank you again!
Wow... This topic is too specific. I'm struggling with this. I'm looking forward to this video.
OMG I wish someone had told me about this years ago! It explains so much. Not a single one of my therapists has ever explained this to me. Thank you ever so much.
I'm glad I was able to find this channel. Thank you, Doc.
Thank you so much, Dr. Fox, for helping us understand ourselves better, why we do the things we do, and for providing solutions for our emotional issues.
Thank you for this video! I knew about emotional permanence, but you have explained it in a way that helped me understand it better. This is something that I struggle with big time and have for as long as I can remember. One thing that I've found helps me remember that my online friends (for example) love me when they are not around is looking back thru DMs where they have said they loved me or said something that was meaningful to me and made me feel good. I've even had a couple of my closer friends who have learned about BPD write something for me that reminds me that I am loved and valued when I'm having a rough time and I get in my head. It sounds pretty simple, but it really does work. I hope this helps someone!
Wow! This was so helpful that I shared a link with my therapist. This has a been a huge struggle for me, nice to know I'm not alone. The 5 strategies for coping with this issue is much appreciated. Thank you for making this video.
Your videos are always so helpful and understanding. They really make me feel like I am worthy of love and compassion. Thank you, Dr. Fox :)
You are super cool Dr. Daniel Fox. 100%. Thank you for all the amazing help you provide. Thank you a thousand times.
Thank you Dr we all want to be better but it is tough. Videos like these help a lot. I can't fix a problem I can't recognize in the first place
Thank you for this, Dr. Fox. I definitely need to check out that workbook.
Wow. I’m speechless. It was as if you were talking about me. I related to every single thing you said. I’m not even sure where to go from here with this information. The therapist who I had for 6 years did this with me. He was the first person who ever told me about object constancy. You really know your stuff Dr Fox
Omg this is SO true! Didn't know it was because of BPD, I've lived with this forever but never knew this was a 'thing'.
thanks alot for that video it helps me alot to learn and understand bpd my gf i recently got together with has it and it helps me so much watching your videos getting closer to her and making her feel safe and wanted 👍
I am a hanging basket when it comes to love. I need constant reassurance and love, but just like the water that falls from a hanging basket, my partner has to continuously "water' me. A great day, a loving gesture or written word are fleeting moments, like building a house on sand. If u get my meaning?
It's so tiring ?Do you do all the things you "need" done for you for your partner ?In my experience it was a one way street.I eventually stopped the sweet unreciprocated gestures as they were never returned.
I'm going through a breakup rn and words cannot begin to express how much your videos r helping me dr 🦊. Thank you soso much.
Too real. I really look forward to your videos, Dr. Fox. Thank you for everything you do here on CZcams-you’re kind of a hero to me :)
He has a good heart, I think. Also a great mind and communication skills. Solid boundaries, from what it seems. Really appreciate that he provides this information for free online to help educate the world.
and that he does it in a very gentle way by terms of his carried attitude and tone and cadence, its approachable, and it doesnt make you feel like a prosecuted/bad person for what you deal with with BPD. it makes me feel a similar sort of comfort to what mr rogers does.
Me too! I tell my son about following him. I appreciate his understanding.
@@mgr9232 Wasn't Mr. Rogers such a gentle, calming, kind presence? I don't think I fully appreciate that until I was a grown adult.
Doctor Fox is, in fact, pretty damn cool haha
thank you! actually made me recall and realize all the times that my parents would leave me alone abruptly and were not available, in the situations when i felt physically unsafe and scared to death. fear of being alone not only to fill up the void, but also because the outer world, especially when the sun sets down, but also due to lack of trust to the world around you, no safe picture of the external world, and frankly no reliable and validating support...
Yep. Our parents fucked us up. They were supposed to be consistent, loving, kind and compassionate but instead they were aloof, volatile & unpredictable. Therapy will help. And kindness and compassion to yourself. Sending love!!
Looking forward to hear about this.
Oh yes. I remember dealing with that very intensely back in the days. Much much better now.
This gives me hope thank you.
Are you dealing with that or with someone who does it? 😮@plaster.art.ho3
Thanks.This goes a long way to starting to understand the abandonment feelings I've had all my life.
You're very welcome. Be well.
Your so right. Its so painful...experiencing the same movie over and over and over again
I've done two slideshows about my Dad. One was for the memorial service, a overview of his life songs he liked, and the second was his impact on MY life, using my music. These were both introspective and valuable projects.
Thank you Dr.Fox for this synchronicity.
You are so welcome
You are super cool Dr. Fox! I don't have the out of sight/out of mind issue with people, I have it with moods. When I'm in a bad or hopeless mood, I can't imagine not feeling that way. I've been jotting down what happens on a good day so I can reference it when I'm down. I feel silly doing it. Like I'm a preteen writing in a diary but it helps.
Never feel sorry for prioritising your mental health!! You're doing great!! 💙💙
Awesome video Dr. Fox didn't Realize that this is what's happening to me that deep feeling of loss it but it definitely happens every time when my husband goes to work right when he's leaving it starts I feel so alone or when I can't get a ahold of someone but just wanna thank u for all the videos u do!
🫣. The fact that THIS CHANNEL exists, even when I am not viewing CZcams, is a miracle for me that is “big with blessings.”
When I started therapy for my PBD I was seeing 3 different therapist, with at least one 7 days a week.
They became my comfort persons until I quickly selected one I focused on.
It takes a strong therapist to deal with a BPD person.
Thank you Dr Fox!!! This post helped me understand what I am struggling with
My Dad died 4 years ago. I sometimes imagine his presence and talk to him, and remember positive memories to bring him back. I can remember his voice, and things he did to make me laugh. Yesterday was his birthday. I talked to him yesterday. It's nice to be able to choose the good memories, and let the rest go.
And here I am, in a long-distance relationship with my gf, who I am sure has BPD, wondering why she cheated on me after we could spend a lot less time on daily video calls due to my new job... Thank you for explaining it so well!
Same here buddy, they are prolific cheaters think long and hard about the times they were unavailable or out with a so called girl friend ? Mine was a pathological liar .
Never thought of it like that, but that’s exactly how I feel. Thank you!
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
That explains it. Thank you.
My mother was hardly ever there when i needed her . She was suppose to be my main care giver . I remember very little from the first 4 years of my life hardly nothing. I remember her putting me in the back yard to get a ten and she left back to the house to cook or clean . Cook mainly . She was a very bad cook . She was very very Post Traumatic from the Second WW . Wasnt really able to be a mother . Didnt have the Patience , love , south or contain a baby . Idont remember for how long she used to live alone in the back yard . I remember it was extremely hot summers and i know for sure it was a permanent thing on summer . I have very little memories . I remember she was hardly ever there when i needed her . When there she was extremely nervous shouting and violent .
Sorry to hear about your experience. I appreciate you sharing it. Thank you and be well.
Looking forward, Doc!😊
So thankful for you Dr Fox. Be blessed. These videos have given me so much understanding l.
You are very welcome
I needed to see this. I actually haven’t clicked on any of your videos for over a year now because I’ve been in severe denial about my BPD. This is due to being gaslit repeatedly by professionals. I actually cannot comprehend how psychiatrists and therapists (at least the ones I’ve seen) are even allowed to give a diagnosis without a lengthy psychological assessment. It logically makes no sense.
My psychiatrist even said to me “sounds like some BPD going on”.
Like what?? What a lazy, unprofessional thing to say.
So yeah, I think a part of me wants to deny that a I have this illness. But I cannot any longer. My splitting has become so often now. I don’t even understand how one minute I truly believe my partner is a narcissist, evil, he likes that I was abused as a child, hes cheating on me, etc. My brain tells me very sick lies that are clearly stemmed from my parents being abusive.
But now here I am, typing this and I think my partner is the best thing in the entire world and I’m a terrible person for everything I put him through
This is helping me a lot and exactly what I need to work on. Love your videos as always
Happy to help!
Spot on, couldn’t be anymore correct
thank you for the helpful, mindblowing, video Dr. Fox
Glad it was helpful!
I love you dr. Fox, thank you so much
You are super cool!!!! Thanks for all u do!
I just ordered the workbook 🙏🏽
Thanks for this it's very enlightening 🙏💖
Thanks for exploring that disapir
Thank You!
Everyday, many times everyday I cry and sometimes breathing so fast like l cannot catch up with myself.
l need much better help than I am getting now.
Right.
Welfare does not pay for the Kind of help I need and this town does not have a REAL mental health...
l pray a lot 🙏🙏🙏
I just found this video through your shorts feed. Wowowow! Object Permanence 😱 Revelation that was much needed! It goes to show, you can be with the most faithful/favorite person in the world, but still need to be reminded about the true reality. Wowow! Tied to the past is not good! 🫨 Many more need to hear about this. Thank you for sharing this video.
You are so welcome. I’m glad that you enjoyed the video and welcome to the channel.
So Helpful
Hi Dr Fox. I'm so surprised by the commentators' level of self reflection and desire to actively change their BPD symptoms. Makes me hopeful that there are some BPD people who wants to change. My past experience living with a BPD person was not that positive. Absolute denial sums up everything. As a result, years of psychological trauma led to the point where I had to cut the person off completely and months of continuous therapy to think normally again (myself). God bless those with Bpd who actively want to get better. But my advice for any one trapped in a relationship with a Bpd is to get the hell out before they destroy your life. Mine almost got obliterated trying to be supportive.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you well.
Hello Dr. Fox I am So happy you did this video I totally understand it and I am now seeking a therapist that can help me . I love all your video that mean so much to me
oh, l'amour
The biggest of all distractions
Good one, Doc!
I hope you enjoy the video.
Amazing and soothing video.
Glad you enjoyed it!
you are super cool, thank you Dr.Fox
Yup i never stare at people and it feels like nobody ever exists...i cant even remember the last time i looked at a family member or made eye contact
Omg same. I avoid my family at all costs. I hate looking them In the eye. Especially mom bc she's so unpredictable
Wow
I had the worst week in the last 5 years. I use Pixel for emotion tracking. This video has helped make sense of it. I feel so terrible for putting my loved one through this. I feel like shes not there. It hurts so bad. I'll try to not let it hurt so much to me. 😥
She doesn't deserve to feel inadequate because I can't handle reality yet. I'm trying. Thank you for this video. 😢❤
I’m so glad you found the video helpful.
I always thought my parents divorce hasn't affected me negatively cuz i was too young to remeber. It's weird to realize it still affects me till this day
Oh definitely. My parents didn't divorce though I wished they did but the shit that they did in childhood still affects me to this very day hahaha.
4:00 omg , what you talk about makes all the sense. I remember when my ex told me he will arrive at my place at certain time, and didnt come and wasnt responding just a few minutes and i broke down crying and throwing objects across the room and hitting myself and couldnt control it. You are the best doctor on BPD i ever seen, i feel most psychiatrist dont get it at all and you really do ! i wish i could go on appointment with you but im in Europe. If you read this, have you considered doing paid consultations on-line?
It's against the law where he lives. ☹️ Stupid laws of Texas.
Thank you Dr Fox!!!
Dear Dr. Fox: Does this concept also apply when the trusted object is close by but busy or not emotionally available? Thank you for another helpful video. Your insight is amazing.
I have experienced it this way too. Definitely a thing!
67 years old, and my emotions are just as intense as they were when I was a child I lost my mother before I was the age of two and I cannot remember grieving for her. There were a lot of things that happened after until this day I have not been able to work through this.
Thank you so much for this
O there he is, 😊
And he's super cool
Thank you Dr fox
I'm getting better with your wonderful videos thank you so much I won't give up
I'm so glad to hear that you're finding my videos helpful! Keep up the good work and never give up on your goals!
As having some bpd traits, this is not one of them, but very informative and will be more compassionate to someone with this challenge.
Thumbnail is misleading in my case - does not explain why my heart breaks or why it's overly painful when it does. Tho i do have a bit attachment trauma.
Very interesting topic.
Best thing about my Trusted Objects: I don't trust them. I did. Not one of them delivers.
I get that
@@palesagmales2752
Interesting name.
Why is it that the hunt is so important for them? I felt like my ex obsessively chased me for months and when I finally told her I was committed to making our relationship work that’s when she flipped into not being sure if she wanted a relationship
They want what they can't have.
@@lochnessmunster1189partially. And also bc we're scared of commitment, vulnerability, trust and basically we just don't wna let our walls down.
8:30 YOU ARE SUPER COOL DR FOX NEVER FORGET IT
There he is he is cool. I like him and his help
So, this is when my food addiction started. The psychologist I was seeing for years advised me to eat celery sticks, to use my will. I kid you not! 🤬. Watching this video, I understood why I kept seeing him, even I felt that something was not right. I blamed myself for not being a good enough patient. Thank you doc for posting this video. I also understood the messiness of my place of living, what I feel daily ashamed of, seeing myself as a lazy woman. I needed to keep things, mostly food, in my sight. Keeping house, home clean is a huge importance in my polish culture, what was impossible for me. Wow!, what a relief
@A. W. M. Thank you for relating to what I am dealing with. 💜I've started to be and speak up for myself when so called rude, disrespectful people started to show up more in my life. Extremely scared and afraid I am being my own defender. Often with poor choice of words, but I do it. I did some reading online, and what dr. Fox is referring to is a concept of so called object permanence, if you wish to explore more in this matter. All the best to you, always believe in yourself and have trust in yourself. You are here, it is all what matters☮