#1 RULE OF DATING SOMEONE WHO HAS KIDS.
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- čas přidán 1. 06. 2024
- How do date someone who has kids? Should you date someone who even has kids with someone else?
People have asked, "What do you think about dating someone who has kids?" or "What do I do if I want kids and I meet someone who doesn't want any?" The answer always varies. 'The Coffee Breakup' hosts, Chris and Marvin, break down these topics and give their thoughts on modern-day dating and having and wanting children.
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#TheCoffeeBreakup
I’m 30 no kids I’d never and will never. I know myself and would never be 💯 happy with anyone with a child. If kids come in the picture they gotta be from us
Never say never.
Never …….
Neva nava,neva neva , 😂
Never
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from what I've seen, step fathers have all the responsibility with none of the authority. they pay for the cars, medical bills, school trips, food, etc. But when the time comes to discipline the kid or lay down ground rules the "your not my dad"/"don't talk to my kid like that" card gets pulled.
😂😂😂 I’m laughing because I’ve been there same same
@@joemorgan636 Really? I'm single woman with a 5 year old son. I've been single for 4 years now and celibate, because I honestly never imagined I'd up up not raising my child in a family home. Lately I've been thinking of going back to dating, but when you hear men talking like this I'm getting cold feet again.
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Dealbreakers should be discussed before the first date.
Dating a woman with kids is like playing story mode on another man’s saved video game
As a single mother and as a woman I would like to state that I respect any man or woman who chooses not to date someone with children. Solely for the fact that no parent wants to ever feel like their significant other is questioning their decision in possibly being a step parent. It may suck to hear but atleast you know now that that person wouldn't be their best version as a (step parent) in your childs life.
Another point, which many parents, mostly mothers find controversial is that once married. Yes your children stay a priority, but your now spouse comes before your children. Putting them first and showing mutual respect will teach your children to respect them as their step parent. At the end of the day, your child will grow and leave your home. who stays? Your spouse, so if you don't back eachother up, once that child leaves , most likely divorce happens or the realtionship deteriorates.
Yes it's scary to think of bringing someone into your childs life. But its on us to make sure its someone we trust. and to remain aware of any red flags and being willing to know when to back off when things aren't of God.
Kids always come first, even when their grown and on their own. Single mothers or fathers should'nt be dating until their kids are adults.
Thank you
Exactly 🎯
Being a step parent is not an easy situation to be in. Your partner assumes moral and financial responsibility but he doesn't have the authority of the biological father. This is true from both the children's and the mother's point of view. Plus he has to deal with another man in his life who's always lurking around. There might be emotional baggage from your past relationship etc. Your standards are high but you need to look at it from a different perspective too.
Being a single parent is not of God, Unless the single parent is a widow.
Let’s be honest it’s really hard to go back into the dating scene as a woman with a child. It’s also the first thing that should come up when you see somebody because that child was there first and if you’re not ok with that since day 1 then you need to stop 🛑 wasting your and my time.
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Just got engaged to a lady with 2 kids. We have one on the way. Her boys vibe with me and I was raised by a loving step dad..
Damn you sharing a womens womb with another man and taking care of his responsibilities.. Hope the best for you sir
@@MAKEMENMENAGAIN7forreal, to me it's the same as if a step-dad sucked the biological fathers dick , like a way of submitting to the king 🤢 "I'm going to raise your kids sir"
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Ask your fiance to watch the video and asked her to respond to all the things gs he is saying , and see what she tells you
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If You Have Kids That’s One Thing You Should Mention To Someone 💯
T-shirt guy is correct I've been in that situation I'm hoping that they change their mind and your way anyway and years go by what happened nothing
Im 25, and i tottaly agree that some baseline must be asked about on the first date. Because, if you start dating and start a relationship hoping that the other person is gonna change their mind. Youre just wasting your time and their time.
I always ask people if they have kids before I even go out with them.
I have never wanted children, so I don’t want to lead someone on or fall for someone who has children. I don’t see myself ever being a parent and it wouldn’t be fair to be a step parent to a child that isn’t mine and know that I would never care for them in a way a parent should care.
Always ask, people will generally tell you if they have children.
After dating someone with a child I actually found it as a positive thing. As someone who doesn't want children (maybe ever but never say never) I think it's beautiful to have children around you but that aren't technically "your responsibility". Its also extremely attractive to see your significant other in a different roll (assuming they are good parents). I can say I agree with Chris on most of this topic as you can't choose who your soul falls in love with all you can do is take day by day. With that being said, you may find yourself in love with someone who has children or as I may one day find someone who changes my whole views on having my own children. It's good to hear both perspectives from you two since there are plenty of people out there that would relate to both of you. :)
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Love how this conversation flowed! I'm with Marvin on this one actually. Sorry Chris!
#1 RULE OF DATING SOMEONE WHO HAS KIDS:
You don't
Kids are too big of topic to take it a day at a time. You have to be on the same page with someone from the beginning. If I want kids and someone I’m dating long term does not why would I continue in hopes that they change their mind as time goes on? What if they don’t? Then we are just wasting time. Also kids should be brought up on the first date. It usually the second or third question I ask a guy. I also understand Marvin’s point when he said that the most important thing in that persons life is not something that you both share, so being with someone that has kids can be very tricky. I am on Marvin’s side with this topic.
No, they also live only in the present. It is hubris to believe that you can plan their life for any significant length of time unless you are loaded. That was regarding your first statement. Regarding wasting time I agree, the fact of having kids should be revealed pretty fast. My girlfriend said so before our first meeting so that we are aligned in this. Anyway, I'm loving her baby for what she represents as well as the fact that we are going slower than I usually do (of my own volition) as I have a bunch of hobbies like kiteboarding which takes time and I have to follow the wind. This may not be for everyone but for me it's great and the person in all other respects is perfect for me.
It's a preference if people do not want to date someone with kids. They may not want to caretake someone else's kids + all that comes with it.
If a relationship is healthy, there shouldn’t be a window of opportunity for jealousy at all. Wanted to not be cheated on, physically, sexually, or emotionally isn’t really jealously in my eyes- it’s about boundaries and communication, and within all of that your partner must be honest so when setting boundaries it’s crystal clear where those may apply most. Two way street- love is respect, forgiveness, being humble- and selflessness.
DOPE AF!
Is this a blind date you guys are talking about? I agree with Marvin on this one a person shouldn’t be hiding a kid or not mention it as if they are embarrassed or ashamed of their kids. With social media today you get a glimpse of everyone lives and myself, maybe I’m a little more nosy and direct I often ask “inappropriate questions” as my girlfriend would say lol. Also maybe you don’t want kids cause you haven’t met the one or maybe that person never thought about kids but once you start dating they decide the would want to have a kid with you. Things change and nothing is written in stone. There is no definitive answer and every situation is different I have friends that will not date people who have kids from a previous relationship and other friends that became a step dad or step mom changed their life for the better. Great topic guys keep up the great content. And why is your side of the table always dirty Chris
Yes, never be number one. It's a shame. If the ex is active in the life it's better for the kids, but almost impossible to deal with for you.
It's not right the things women with children expect men to deal with, regarding their ex. No they don't need to talk at 1 am. No you don't need to be going to spend time with them and your kid without you.
The guy in the suite looks older but the 27 year bold is wiser… if you know what you want why keep entertain something that isn’t what you don’t want… why look in the future… because that’s the point of dating to be with someone to live life with like come on! I’m done watching this 👎
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I’m a single father of 4 kids. And I’ve known this woman for about 6 years now. She friend zoned me a 5 years ago, and just wanted to focus on herself. I was cool with it. For the past 5 years. I still text her 3-4 days out of the week, good morning gorgeous. I hope you have a great day. I’ve also send her coffee or her kids gifts for Christmas. Her kids love me. A couple weeks ago. I went out to a bar. She dmed me, “you don’t invite anyone”? I wrote back lol. I took her out the following week, and she had a couple drinks, but wasn’t drunk. She actually kissed me, in front of my friends. I felt awkward, even though I’ve been dying to be her man for years now. We still text. We still call each other. But haven’t seen each other or spoken about the kiss. I can’t stop thinking about her. But I still stay a cool as a cucumber. She does ask me to hang out when she doesn’t have activities with her kids. Is it possible to make this relationship work??
Bro your being used for whatever U can provide 😂
Don’t ever put anything like this on the internet again. Be a man.
Bro is so delusional and desperate LMAOO @@hollywoodheevez145
I want a woman without kids
I was with my woman for almost 20 years hoping that she will change her mind do things differently guess what I wasted 20 years of my life
This is why relationships don’t work out or you end up having a kid by someone you don’t even know because nobody is asking questions. The first thing i ask a guy is do you have kids ? Like hello this is dating which means getting to know people, this is why people are relationships that they don’t want to be in is because they are to far gone and knew they should have left along time ago.
Yes I see now why my relationship is not working because my man feels like oh I have a good woman that takes cares of my kids so I don’t have to do nothing. That’s not how it’s suppose to be. Now it’s too late for me to wish that I should have left a long time ago but now after dealing with everything I want to just walk away and not look back because now it’s become too much on me and daughters.
@@shemaflores9909 aww I’m so sorry to hear that Shema just remember you are an amazing women that has daughters that look up to you and are proud of you. Any man would be lucky to have you in their life. We all make mistakes we are human and love can be irrational at times, the only thing that matters is how you grow from this situation. Be you be beautiful much love 💕. Your happiness is the most important thing never give up keep going ❤️❤️
I been with my man for 4 yrs now. When we were getting know each other. I let him know him I had a child. When he told me that he had kids. I was open to him having kids. He expressed everything about his kids. At that time I had one child. He had 2 biologically his and his other 2 are not biologically his but he took them in due to other circumstances of their mother. So I thought that was amazing of him to do so. Until I started to come around his family. I realized that his mother was taking care of the two kids that he took in ( well she took them in and been taking care of them ever since) the 2 that biologically his stayed with their mother. So it’s like he never really had no responsibility. The more I was around. The kids started coming over every weekend but I was overwhelmed because I was always doing everything by that time I had my second child with this man. So altogether I felt like I was taking care of 4 kids alone. I would feel like I’m getting took advantage of because his mom would drop them off every weekend because she starting to get tired of taking care of them and I’m getting tired to where when they want to come over. I tell them next weekend or I’ll already have plans. Of course I’m going to do my motherly duties but it gets overwhelming my two kids are calm, respectful, and they listen. I love them very much and i consider them as my own. My 2 step kids are do not listen and are disrespectful to where I can only do so much because I don’t believe in discipline other ppl kids. So I’ll tell him how they would misbehave but that doesn’t help much. It’s getting frustrating to where I don’t even want to be in the relationship anymore. I just want to focus on myself and my 2 girls and I know they need more of my attention. I don’t mean seem selfish which I’m not. I just know after everything I been through with this man my daughters deserve better and deserve better. I know I’ll be less stressed and more happy if I was to just remove myself. I dislike the fact that when his mom knows that do everything on my own and still she’ll drop the kids off for a whole week or two. To where I have cancel plans.
I’m going to share a piece of wisdom with you that my grandmother shared with me: “what you allow is what will continue.” If he has already shown you that he doesn’t carry his responsibilities as a parent then that is not the man for you. The bright side is you’re not married to this man so the children you two don’t share are not your responsibility. It’s okay to walk away. They were fine before you got there so they’ll be fine when you’re no longer there. I pray this helps 🤍
The guy is purple is being dismissive of other people's views. You're not a terrible person because you feel like you're going to be an outsider in people's love story. The other person's world is something you have no part in and never will, the child should be their priority but you also matter and no one should make you feel bad for choosing yourself.
Don't bet on that you find yourself years in a relationship and you don't get what you desire
Just the visual reminder that shorty let another man risk it all is a turn off for me.. idk, i can’t do it 💯😂
Not mention she has kids is equivalent to a man not saying his unemployed. It's a big deal in each case, let's be honest. Don't try and get someone to fall for you and then afterwards spring the "i have kids" trap.
You meet a woman with kids, you have no kids, she tells you she does not want anymore kids, must you still compromise ? No
Absolutely not. You get no gain just headaches. Lose, lose situation
I love how dude on the right is so mature..and such a realist.. he’s brought up very valid points that are happening.. dude on the left definitely seems immature and closed minded and not very experienced.
Moral of the story, I believe dude on the right will make an amazing husband to someone based of his mindset and conversation.
Hopefully it's not a woman with baggage (another mans kids) 🦟
Preference is immature? 😂😂 Nice
Double standards exist sorry 🤷🏽♂️ An accomplished man will always be in high demand therefore endless options.
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You let him hit it raw
I know this is an old video so probably no one's in a comment but started talking to this chick she has three kids ages from four to nine. I grew up in a household that my step dad came into the picture. I totally understand that the kids are the number one priority, but someone who hasn't been in a relationship for over three years, like the single life but I kind of like this girl a lot so I do want to make it work just not how far I want to take it because of the kids and their stepdads. And I know you should have angle of going into this and being more than just a boyfriend. Any other girl that I dated in the past have been no kids. So dating somewhat kids is very different to me but same time it's really not because I grew up and I saw all of it
Wow I just got my heart broke from a guy who thought he was ready. I really feel like it depends , will this be long term for you or just a fling. Are you prepared ? It’s so much more to discuss
And tell me her answer for it
9 minutes in and you still don’t get to the point in your title.. geez how draining!!
You have to know yourself and your needs REALLY well before dating a single parent of either gender. You also have to have identified and healed your attachment system and core wounds. Here's how to know whether this is right for you:
***Dating a single parent *could be perfect* for what you want IF***
0) you like his kids and they like- and respect- you
1) always wanted a family
2) are just as capable of loving someone else's kids as you are your own
3) maybe don't want your own kids but would love to have kids in your life
4) intend to continue living in your current city, a close-by city, or at least the same state for the long term
5) are fine with not taking vacations or traveling with your partner for extended periods
6) feel financially secure and have clear financial boundaries around whose resources go to the person's kids and when; as well as how much of his resources you expect to go toward your partnership
7) have plenty of your own interests and activities to fill your time
8) can feel secure in your relationship knowing his kids will always come before you
9) feel secure around his ex and his/her involvement in your partnership via their shared children does not bother you
10) have experience and comfort with blended family situations
11) can balance detachment toward his kids and their primary relationship to their own mother with providing additional mothering and mentoring in a different capacity
12) there are clear boundaries around what authority you do and don't have with his kids
13) there are clear boundaries around how his kids behave when they are in your home
14) you like and respect his parenting style
15) you have gone successfully through the first three stages of a relationship with this person (dating, honeymoon, power struggle) and have settled securely into one of the last three stages (stability, commitment, bliss) -- and if not with this person, you have BOTH gone successfully through these stages in other relationships
***additionally, DO NOT combine your life, finances, or household with a single parent before you have made it successfully out of the power struggle stage of the relationship with them and into the stability phase or beyond***
16) you have extremely strong, honest trust and communication with your single parent partner and feel safe advocating for your needs and boundaries
17) you have good trust and communication with his kids and they respect your boundaries
***ON THE CONTRARY, Dating a single parent *could be absolutely wrong* for what you want IF***
0) you don't you like his kids and/or they don't like- and respect- you
***this is non-negotiable- in no instance is it ever okay to proceed in a relationship with a parent whose kids you can't get along with, period***
1) have goals, dreams or ambitions for the long term that will likely take you out of your current living area
2) like to take extended vacations and trips and want to share those with your partner
3) want someone whose financial resources are exclusively available for your partnership
4) have high needs for quality time and intimacy that will go un-met when having to share your partner with his obligations to his kids
5) have bad chemistry with his ex or are unwilling to maintain harmony with her for the sake of his obligations
6) your financial expectations for how much, if any, of YOUR resources go to his children do not align with each other
7) you feel overly attached to his kids
8) you consciously or unconsciously compete with his kids
9) you feel resentment about his children coming before you or continually suppress and ignore your own needs to make a relationship with a single parent work
10) - 17) are missing any of the above things in the "dating a single parent could be perfect for you" list and are not willing or capable of resolving those things
@AllThingsBBall I think it makes sense to ask that, along with anything else you need to ask to assess your own comfort with moving forward. It's likely that she will appreciate you not wanting to get involved only to freak out later on due to figuring out your needs after she's already invested in you.
A bit of side advice, I strongly recommend learning more about your attachment style. Personal Development School, Briana MacWilliam, and Heidi Priebe have amazing content on their channels about this, and the PDS website has a free quiz you can take to find out yours. Attachment style is the single biggest predictor of whether a relationship will succeed or fail.
I also recommend learning about the 6 stages of relationships, which all relationships go through (dating, honeymoon, power struggle, stability, commitment, bliss) so you can navigate your way through them.
I'd have LOVED to have learned what I know now at 21/23 years old, it would have saved me so many hard lessons. I hope you'll get a jump on the learning curve with resources like this.
Best of luck!
Awesome comment, I match with all the pros. The only thing to find out in my situation is how will the baby daddy behave and how, if at all, it will affect her and our relationship. Thanks for your comment, will read up on the power struggle stage.
THANK YOU ENDLESSLY for this
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The dude on the right sounds ridiculous lol
I'd say very mature.
Very ridiculous
If you mean the one in the suit, yes he is so foolish.
Religion and raising someone else’s seed is very different. People with kids and us are very different. Lifestyle! No man wants to raise other man’s kids, stop tryna force that on people that don’t want it it’s 5 billion people in the world.
I dated a girl with kids one time. Have you having a baby daddy in the picture that definitely doesn't make things easier.
Ladies beware of the guy in white. Stay away. Run as fast as you can
Why should we run away from him if he’s being real and not want to be swindled get real.
Why because he is 100% honest?
Let me share my personal experience I do not mention my kids at first and here is why. Not because I do not love them BUT because I want the person who I’m getting to know to see me as an individual to get to know my personality my values my mindset my kids don’t define me. Of course they will be brought up because they are part of the package 📦 BUT I want this person to not shut me down just because I mention kids on the first few “ get to know me” conversation.. make sense ? Now if me having kids is something they do not want to deal with then that’s totally fine we move on no hard feelings.
Your kids do define you. And you know men are not trying to wife u up thats why you don't mention your kids
Whaaaaaat!
I will not date of when we were kids I will not I love my last phone relationship
Welp ...... ima just uh ....
The dude on the rightis delusional af
Yup, girls with kids pretend to be nice until you take them living with you or you end up getting married or she ends up getting pregnant. Even the holidays you'll never be enough for her family or her kids and they could deflect you and get away with it, but if you deflect them you're the a hole and horrible person. 😢😢😢
I love the hosts’ perspective but, let’s be honest most men think like the guest.
#1 rule, don't 😂
im struggling with the fact that i really like this girl, but im 20, and she was not upfront about her kid and now im confused bc im not ready for somethin like that, but we’ve had sex so now i feel obligated like i can’t leave now
What did you end up doing?
I hope you left and didn't guilt trip yourself into a situation that doesn't fulfil you. You'll have resentment and regret throughout that relationship
Sounds like she tried to get you attached by liking her and then spring the child on you therefore making it hard for you to let go. Never trust a woman like that. It's one thing if she told you she has a child and won't let you meet the child until she's comfortable but she didn't tell you about the child. That's a major red 🚩
No bro, no women woth children, go to college, start a business, focus on your life so you can one day provide for your own children, she doesn't care about you, if she did, she would never date you, because she knows she brings baby daddy drama and trauma from her past into your life which offer not but trouble, run while you still have time ! Because if you get her pregnant, buddy, it's all over .
This guys like a simp maker on the right
As a 24-year-old guy, I'm looking forward to dating this girl even though she has kids. My question is, what are the rules or tips to help me become a good man for her and also a good role model?
Rules #1 don’t date women with kids rule #2 don’t forget rule #1
Guy in suit is annoying.
This guy strawmaning like crazy on the right
Women look for security and men look for peace. A well accomplished man has no problem Taking care of his kids and the new women AND the kids they have financially and physically. Women don’t go into relationships wanting to provide nor can protect. Accomplished men will ALWAYS be in high demand therefore always will have options. Yes double standards exist sorry 🤷🏽♂️