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Nothing will make a narc parents and sibling flying monkeys more enraged, as when you say, “No”. Who did I think I am? No one likes you. You think you are better than us. You are so ungrateful and selfish. You don’t matter. We need to punish you so that we put you in your place. My silence created the smearing to my adult children. The flying monkeys flapped wildly to make sure that their anger was clear and obvious. My physical presence made them all restless, irritable and discontented. I must be found guilty. How insane is this? It felt like trying to gave an adult relationship with toddlers. Leaving was my only option. That was 9 years ago. I went to see my 91 year old dad recently. When I was sharing a story about one of my children’s incredible accomplishments, the look on my dad’s face and his eye roll said everything. They don’t change. Glad I went to see him though. It cemented for me that I did the right thing all those years ago. And when he passes, I won’t be going to the funeral.
I'm glad you and your children escaped. I too have gone no-contact with my mother's side of the family. The good thing is... in dropping them.... I found friendship in my paternal-side cousins whom my mother caused my father to estrange. It's been good. :) Life is so much better. And yes, I bristle a little when I think of how my maternal family vilify me, but.... as I saw in a quote somewhere, "Sometimes it's fine to let whomever think whatever. Just keep getting better."
Also, I did not go to my father's funeral either. He had repeatedly said he didn't want a viewing. I didn't go because my mother didn't even honor his wishes. I lit incense and said a prayer, which is exactly what my dad did when his dad and mom died.
@@nadineelizabeth195in a state of shock - confirms they really did just wanted me to fulfil a scapegoat role and nothing else! Would like a loving family but if not at least im no longer subject to abuse from them
Stand strong in your own power. You are the only one who gets to decide the course of your life. I may not know you, but I love you, and I believe in you. Good luck, courageous warrior.
@@cruella5521 don’t react, be calm, make some distance somehow. Time away from their presence and narrative. Decide your boundaries, heal - be kind to yourself - you can do it
You can do it! In my case I had narc parents and an abusive narc husband. Took everything I had to leave and start on my own from nothing and with all three actively working against me. The divorce just finalized 2 weeks ago. I got the kids ❤ and I am building again alone. I am so excited about life and the future. I am genuinely happy. I have never felt such peaceand I have also never worked so hard in my life lol. You can do it! You deserve a life of peace!
@@cruella5521 If I may reccomend prayer and also mindfulness. Really think about how you feel (even viscerally) after talking with or being around them. Really think before replying.. bc you just might find the sole purpose of any word they spoke is to confuse you or make you feel a negative emotion (fear or guilt?). And keep in mind you don't have to reply at all. This is up to you
It really helped me to journal before, during, and after going no-contact. It's amazing HOW MUCH I FORGET. There was so much abuse going on, decades before I went no-contact. I had forgotten, in order to keep myself stable enough to finish post-graduate school and all the things that come with having kids of one's own. But when I re-read my journals, it helps me remember why I went no-contact. There are SO MANY reasons. Some of which NO ONE will ever know. But I do. And that's all that matters. Remember your truth, especially when everyone will be flinging lies all around you. It can be hard to remember the truth.
Took me 50 yrs here too. I always worshiped her, and never realized she expected that. Her flying monkeys include my oldest child. We finally parted ways, both of them. Sadly, my son is like me in many ways, and is her new supply. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me. I still like me. And the people left in my life, not many, thank god I never have to hear her demolish them as she tells me what she thinks of them. I was healing, and she didn't appreciate that, apparently. After all these years, I feel bamboozled! I feel more relived than sad.
It is so crazy that they've gotten away with all of this manipulation, and tricks in their bag undetected for decades.😮. What's even crazier is finding out it's happened to soo many other people...
@@lorihoop3831 a healthy dose of numb is required for sure. I was taught that you drop everything and do whatever it takes for family. As I became an adult and had significant traumas of my own with my own children, that's when I became confused. I was isolated and left for dead. Took me decades to realize what she was really teaching me throughout my childhood, which was you drop everything and do whatever it takes to be there for HER, not family. It all just feels like a disgraceful waste. Playing make-believe as children is fun, and important in development, but as adults, that's a dangerous game and people always get hurt. No more make-believe for me.
Precisely. It feels a bit scary, but then I realize that it is simply my inner child being triggered by their system (dog whistles). I am an adult that can comfort my inner child.
dog whistles is right. they use words with a subtext that has additional meaning to the intended audience. It's very covert. Other survivors get it, Jerry gets it.
Exactly right, My narc mother removed me out of the will when I told her I cannot be manipulated by her anymore. My golden sibling got money from her all their life and I never asked for anything. I never fought with my mom or gave her lip, I just tried to keep everything calm until I couldnt stand watching her behavior and manipulation anymore. Her lying to everyone about everything was so bad, there was no truth in her at all. I told her calmly that I can't be manipulated anymore and that very day she kicked me out of her life and I have never heard from her again.
Each of my siblings and cousins got $300,000 apiece. As the family scapegoat, I was disinherited. They all went along with that. I'm actually okay with that because, like Toto, I got away.
My mom has always used money against me. I’m almost 2 years no contact and all she can ever say is “look at all we’ve done for you” as far as the financial help from the past. Things that normal parents would do…. She uses money as a way to keep her victims close.
My mother has driven me crazy over money. Mixed messages, hurt etc... Now 80 and forgetful it's worse because she can't remember the last lie she told me!
They will try at all costs to break the boundaries you have set up - they will be relentless starting with their strongest tactic first - whatever they perceive will be a mighty blow to you to “bring you back in line” after a while if you hold out- do not react! Then they come with manipulation, being nice trying to Hoover you. Resist that. Hold the boundary and don’t react - Jerry taught me that!
After 5 months of silence because my mother was so aggressive to me,i blocked her number, whatsapp and fb, and that really gave me already inner peace and freedom, she at once dropped 1000 euros on my bankaccount, wirh the message: 'for your hollidays'. I have never asked her for that. So it was just a tactic to hoover me back in. I have only mailed her a 'thank you' card, with no other words or information. I keep my distance from her. I only didnot block her emailadress, it is the only way left to have a minimum of communication and to avoid her anger, aggression and tantrums. I got a leaky gut and many other health problems because of her bullying and hatefull behavior to me. She is doing the smear campaign behind my back, but i don't care. I have no contact with family anymore, i live 100 km away and never see my family here. So freedom here and peace, me with myself, healing and becoming happy, creating my new life as an orfan.
This is so sick! 😮 the playing the victim role is absolutely disgusting. These people are abominations! My parents have done this to me. The love bombing, the silent treatment, manipulation, the pathological lying. OMG. How gross. 🤢 I'm so tired of dealing with my mother. It's not good for my health. Wow. They want me to pursue them. I've been there and done that. Smh. Mr. Wise thank you so much for this. I pray that as I work toward $independence me and my daughter can break free and leave them ALL behind.
Financial independence is important. My mother sabotaged my job in order to try to keep me away from other family members. It's really sick. Once you have your own kids, you realize that the narcissistic parent is highly abnormal. I'm blessed that my husband's parents were not narcissists. My mother-in-law is my role model for parenting now.
@mvbigmagic4048 how wonderful that you have a positive example and model of good parenting. According to professionals, I am an example of a model parent and that makes me feel like I have hope! Because this revelation has been a torment and anguish for me to realize that my parents are demons in the flesh. Sabotage? Every single step of the way. I'm doing my best to break free from my mother's last attempt at killing me and destroying me in real-time. She's threatening to make both me and my daughter homeless by December. Why because she's tired of helping us and we are disabled. Go figure. My body has crashed from the abuse [all my life] and I am working on getting better but it takes time. It certainly doesn't help she's enmeshed me and I need her car to get back and forth so she takes it away when she feels like it BUT expects me to heal in HER time frame and according to her rules. I've missed doctor appointments, PT, etc yet she rages at me and my daughter to hurry it up. No, no stresses here. I was so stupid to move in with her and " be a family " that supports and takes care of one another. That's how she lured me back in here when I had my own house, car, life, etc. So, I'm at square one with new challenges. I pray we'll make it out on top. I apologize for dumping. Thank you for your response and yes $$$ independence is a necessity.
My mom used to get on me for saying I'm sorry when I was wrong. She would say never say your sorry. I'm glad I didn't listen, I always admit if I'm wrong and or made a mistake and I do say I'm sorry. No problem.
When I was 14 my mom called upstairs to my bedroom, she used the sweetest voice to call my name and so I went running. When I got to my room she stepped out and chocked me because I didn't make my bed that morning. I almost passed out her grip was so tight. Many times I wished I would have died at that moment so she would of gone to prison. No doubt she would have lied about it somehow and gotten away with it. I learned to hate her that day.
Listened to the bullet points here and all I can say is BINGO. They did all of that. I had no idea I was dealing with npd at the time but I did suspect scapegoating. I roughed it through the tactics and then decided I had to go no contact without even knowing what that was. The hits kept coming and I had to put a stop to it. They thought I couldn't survive without them. Little did they know that I grew up alone in many ways and I already had some survival skills from that. I was the target, the "lowlife" of the unit. Being so alone growing up, I learned how to self-talk and initiate. It was dicey, I won't lie about that. But I'm less suicidal as an exile than I was in the bosom of the narcissistically-headed unit. I have so much more hope and options. Good luck to everyone here.
The DAY that I said NO MORE to my parents....they called the police on me and said that I hit my father. Over the past three years they've called the police on me... literally about ten times. They lied and said I hit them and had me arrested. Over and over again. Now I have a court case for ELDER ABUSE that's been going on for two and a half years. They're despicable.
Yep, I have had similar circumstances. Its not just narcissism at this point, its sociopathy. One day at a time, I hope someone sees the truth for you.
This hits every note on how my father behaves. He loses his shit whenever he lost control, and he gets angry when you don’t listen to him. The part about undermining autonomy, denial and minimization, playing the victim, etc. all hit the nail right in the head. Thank you for validating my thoughts and suspicions of him.
I so wish I'd realized this when I was younger and couldn't understand my parent's reaction to the positive milestones in my life. They were mostly negative about things in my life which were produced joy in other families. Wish I'd known No Contact was an option!
@2012Beckster: I absolutely know what you mean. I lived a childhood and young adulthood in abject dissonance. I absorbed the pain and showed resilience at every blow (negative reaction to proud events of my life - my mother made ALL of them about herself). It's so nice to hear someone validate this feeling that I have accepted as normal my whole life!
When I was 18 I couldn’t stand living at home anymore. My sister lived across the country and offered to have me live with her. Our dad called her and intimidated her and she called me apologizing saying she can’t have me there. She said even though our dad lives 2000 miles away from her , she is still scared of him. So yep… couldn’t move. Was stuck in that house for 3 more years and they continued to torture me til I was 32 and went no contact. This Monday will be 6 years since I cut them off and I have never known such happiness.
I've come to learn about Express Emotions in family systems. I noticed my parent went from overt aggression to passive aggression. Also the lack of reflection. They can't see I have needs and priorities it seems. Whenever I asked for help, mentioned an injustice, or felt uneasy; I'd get told I was being a victim. A contemptuous weak coward. Especially since I was mentioning their golden child's brutish conduct and their own brutish conduct. Thing is feeling empowered is red meat to them. They want you devoid of power and your true self. Literally, part of the definition of truama is to be made to feel unsafe and powerless. I can go through medical issues or try to attend school. Both be at my worse and my best but it won't be where they want me. So the sabotage and them trying to overload my nervous system until I break. Then they all laugh "Look at him! What's wrong with him, am I right?!"
I walked away from my family after a very serious attack on my identity and the ensuing smear campaign that almost killed me. No one ever asked me for my side nor questioned their gossip. I was 40 years old and they tried to use nostalgic memories to lure me back, like "you were such a free spirited 20 yo, we just want you to be like you were then" translation: they wanted me to be the easily manipulated one that I was then. I learned a great deal about how not treat people from my family of origin. Now, I'm building the family I want, not the one they are stuck in. Wow this is psychotic stuff, glad I got away
Control of what? Themselves or their child? I was raised by a raging, abusive alcoholic who beat me when I couldn't control myself. How ironic. I remember being incredibly aware of the hypocrisy, even as a preschooler. A grown man raging at a child. Who was out of control?
Same is happening to me now! I called the whole toxic family dynamic out in a very soft and loving way. Its coming up to a year now of getting the silent treatment. Imagine getting the silent treatment for saying you want a better/healthier relationship.😂 What really happened is I was expected to make the first move to contact my n/mum after I made the last effort to ‘fix things’. In stead I took her silent treatment and used the opportunity to go no contact. Its difficult at times. But I feel so much better. Like a weight has been lifted.
I said that something hurt my feelings a few months ago and was met with an "ok", and then complete silence. It was then that I figured out my feelings and even myself do NOT matter, and I'm not reaching out anymore. The phone works both ways.
I get this! It’s the same with my mom. When you confront they either lash out or give silent treatment. It’s a better life without them but…it still feels wrong at times even though I know it is not. I pray for my family and let them go.
@TheFilmLocker very similar here. Silent treatment after stating a reasonable boundary and telling the truth. Threatened to 'never have a relationship with them' if I do that again ??? Well that wouldn't be a real relationship anyways (just a one sided one) and so I just didn't reply. This has been hurtful-- not to go no contact w people who abused and mistreated me, but to realize they really never cared. Shoukd have sooner.
My parents let me go pretty early because I moved far away and they were never interested in me in the first place - BUT - getting them out of me has been the toughest challenge I will face this lifetime - I’m pretty sure. I experienced every single item discussed in the video not from my foo - family of origin - but from my narcissistic spouse. My marriage turned into a nightmare when my ex-husband realized he had lost control of me. The dynamics of my marriage were the same as my foo - and I couldn’t see it when we married. Painful - but over now - thank goodness. Great info Jerry!!!
I went no contact so gradually that I didnt get much of a campaign to bring me back in. I had the threat to be cut from the Will, which was their so-called "trump card", of "If you dont get back in line, you will get nothing" threat. It was the final confirmation I needed and was the beginning of the end of the relationship for me.
My father was a simple soul - his MO was hitting me every day (or threatening to break my neck), and the silent treatment - always six weeks. My first memory of him hitting me was when I was about three. I was sobbing loudly, while shouting Doesn't hurt! Doesn't hurt! And my last was when I was 16. He walked towards me, ready to hit, and I held him off. He raged, but ignored me for six weeks, which was bliss. I don't know if constantly calling me rude names counts, but it all paints a picture of a man who couldn't cope.
You are SAFE now & YOU control Your love fe story. It's hard but WALK & DO NOT ANYONE....ANYONE TEAR YOU DOWN. DO MOT GET ANGRY, RAGE OR Close YOURSELF OFF. JEEP YOUR HEART OPEN & LOVE TO LIVE. YOU GOT THIS🙏💖💪👍
@@godzillamanstreb524 Thank you. He had a difficult relationship with his mother, and I think he took it out on me. I think now that my "Doesn't hurt!" was my way of telling him that he wasn't getting to me. It's sad that I grew up - spent his life - disliking him!
@@sandracrandall4561 Thanks, Sandra, I've been safe for a long time, and he's been dead for 35 years, so he really can't touch me now. People patronised me by telling me I became more confident with age. Nothing to do with age. It was not having a man looking over my shoulder, waiting to tell me what I'd done wrong.
When I took control of my life away from my control freak narcissistic father, things got ugly. He went nuclear on me. I left him to figure it out for himself, because I turned my back and walked away. That was 30 years ago. When he died in 2012, he banned me from his funeral. The joke's on h8m, as I was never planning to attend anyways.
This happened to me with my mother forever. I cut off contact in my 40’s because I figured her out. My then husband took her to the airport and she told him I have lost control of her. He told her she lost control a long time ago. Carol H. is a classic narcissist with a mix of borderline personality disorder. Delegated her responsibility for my siblings onto me. Sex, physical and emotional abuse. My father tried to kill her and her boss. Had a relationship with both of them at the same time for years. He died in prison. Bad country song lyrics. No contact is the only way to heal. I hope this helps all of us recovering. Thanks Jerry for all that you do!❤
How to tell if you're a narc parent who's adult kids are onto your bs: they tell you to stick it and become happy people relieved of your presence. Offloading you is a RELIEF! It improves our quality of life. No one misses you. Your presence is punishment.
They really do want a nobel prize for giving their insincere, "I'm sorry you feel hurt by my reaction to you upsetting me" apologies. My SIL texted me as a flying monkey for my MIL with some passive aggressive statement about it being "hard" for THEM when we all visit. I asked her why it's hard for when they're the ones who are being rude to me, and she said, "I'm trying to be nice and the only one making an effort to do so!" They want me to just forget everything they've done and go back to make believe world where they're great people and don't have to respect bare minimum boundaries. 😂
Rage and aggression! Spot on how my nm reacted the precise moment she knew she was losing control. She got so worked up over the phone, that she actually hung up on me. I blocked her immediately. She went nuts
Another story that went the opposite direction. My sibling and spouse would cook for holidays and gatherings at their place or my parents home. They would tag team watching me eat the food. If I left anything on the plate I wasn’t respectful. So I’d try taking less food and just go back for more. One time I wrapped up my leftovers and put it in the fridge. They didn’t like that either. Eventually I developed an issue with swallowing at meals with them and I couldn’t eat fast enough. They noticed that too. I still have some swallowing issues at times. Edit to add This happened as an adult.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 😢 My son also doesn't swallow. I am a divorced SLD mother of 2 living with my narc parents. We all get on my 5 yr old son about his slow eating, every day it's a thing in how he resists. You've given me so much pause in how I go about encouraging his appetite, I'm going to change my whole approach now and let him fill his own plate and go for seconds as needed. THANK YOU!!
@@tmjewel I’m glad my story helps you and your son. You clearly care for him very much and are trying to see from his point of view. That makes all the difference
Oh the stories. Our family estate sale was a misery for me. I own my parents home and the siblings insisted that I work harder even though I already did quite a bit. So I got angry and wouldn’t talk to the when the came to sort through papers. They did things like wait for everyone to leave then burn stuff in the back yard. They’d stand out and watch me drive by because I didn’t want to come in til they left. Then when I finally did come back with groceries they wanted an apology. I barricaded myself in the house with my pets during the auction.the siblings stood in the yard for hours because they wanted to get in and dig through the stuff in the house they wanted. After that they’ve all withdrawn. Basically the silent treatment.
@@debbiejahnke8724 In my family, everything was pre-arranged - no probate - nothing. The 2 sisters & half brother were POA’s - did not include me in anything. The day after my mom’s funeral, they all met at a sister’s & took what they wanted - not a word was mentioned about it to me. I did get a Facebook message asking if I wanted any ashes from her cremation.
@@moscowcowboy_13 it’s complicated. I got the house because the siblings forced a sale while my mother and I were still living in it. If I didn’t buy the house we’d both be out on the street. She was elderly and I was caregiving. The sibs made sure I paid the max possible so all of my inheritance went into the mortgage. They were off the hook as a group for house upkeep and they didn’t even have to clean up the place to sell it. There was no home inspection either. So first off my mom got nothing. And no protection. Second there was no estate plan and the one we got was an emergency plan that equally split it with six siblings. It was a cluster F. If I wanted to make more money I could’ve just gone to work instead of living on poverty wages caregiving for about 8 years and making myself sick.
85 y.o. mother has done most of these things, which tells me, she is a Covert Narcissist. Her mysterious, incurable pain & laxative- induced diarrhea is why we didn't take her on a plane trip to see our only grandbabies. (Not to mention her disrespect for my husband) She is still mad about that! She must be texting up a storm (about what/who??), going through 2,000 texts in 2 months. Even though she's not speaking to us, she still wants us to program extra text purchased card. I still can't believe she can act so childish & play the victim!
It's like whack a mole. As soon as you gray rock them out of some behaviour, they try the next one. This morning I got the punishing burnt morning outmeal. Hot burnt smelling steam was shooting out of the porrige as she was stirring the pot. I did not take the bait.
These videos have been super helpful. I have a family member who has this habit of saying some random, offhanded thing for which there is no proper response because if you go one way or another, you’re either admitting you’re wrong for feeling like you do or you are taking things way too far and you’re just being cruel. My tactic is to stay neutral and simple with the response. It short circuits their brain every time, because it lets them know you’re not budging on how you feel, but you’re also not setting out to inflict pain on them.
They will double down on inflicting as much pain to you as possible! At least, that is what I experienced. It was gaslighting (still happening), pretending to go through delirium episodes( I have it recorded) and spoke with several doctors and nurses that denied seeing or hearing any symptoms of such. It is/was a sh!t show of epic proportions. The silent treatments have been done to me over the years. I've seen her very nasty behavior.
"and spoke with several doctors and nurses that denied seeing or hearing any symptoms of such" An under-discussed point is the extent to which those doctors and nurses were & are raised (and trained) in the same narcissist-rewarding culture that we are
They don’t even have to lose control- my narc parents would use the age thing to get one over everyone… until I had my stroke. It ended up being a kind of equalizer with them- narcs thrive on control, and they lost some of it because of my condition. Just the increased time I would need to get stuff done (especially with their “get stuff done now!!!” mentality) puts them lower down the importance scale than they used to enjoy.
I am stronger than her. And smarter than her and the smile doesn't leave my face, even when sometimes there is frustration. She'll never see me break again.
Well I’m on limited contact w my narc mother cuz unfortunately I’m stuck living in the same house still but I have a exit plan and will leave ASAP. The limited contact tho, is so much more peaceful than dealing w her crap. Can not wait for my day when I can walk away for good 😊 thank you Jerry ❤❤❤
Triangulation and epic smear campaigns that have lasted nearly a lifetime, in the making and maintenance of for many, many years and counting now! Have found great relief and refuge in understanding from many sources, including brilliant teaching videos like yours Dr. Wise! Thank you for the excellent work that you continue to produce and provide for so many!
For years I kept coming back to get close him in despite of his rejection, thinking he will change and get close to me as well, until I understood this was a sort of illness that can't be treated, and that the way he let the system make him believe all the BS that he believes in, was not my problem. I'm grateful that I reached this point, I am in peace with my life. Thank you Dr. Jerry!! 💪😺🙏
My eldest sister started her narcissistic sociopath ways at only 8 years old. She hated me from the day I was born. My mom told me that she could not leave me alone with her when i was little because my sister would hurt me whenever possible. I firmly believe her narcissism was already a part of her personality from birth. Its sad that parents always get blamed for the mentally defective make up of their children. Ps it got much worse as she got older eventually attacking her own parents relentlessly..
@@design2c436 I'm a boy. My sister started the hatred of me when I was 6 months old. As I got older she showed my other siblings my older brothers that hurting me was fun. They tied me up and whipped me with belts. They shot me with BB guns. They through darts at me and my sister threw a knife at me. The physical abuse continued until I grew bigger than them and they feared me. Later they switched to head games and mental abuse. When my parents got sick and passed away they even attacked them and stole everything including the wedding rings off the bodies in the funeral home. I could go on and on..
@@jl3268 No I was the scapegoat child. Sister and oldest brother were golden child. 2nd brother is the flying monkey that does what he's told so he can avoid the treatment I received.
I am sorry for all you had to endure AND the best part is you are free from them. You are a warrior. You can take whatever comes your way. Look at all of your followers and how you are helping them. We feel heard! Thank you Jerry! ❤
0:00 🧠 Narcissistic parents become dangerous when they sense they are losing control over you. 1:36 🎭 Narcissistic parents will use manipulation techniques, including guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail, to reassert control. 2:11 😡 Expect rage and aggression from narcissistic parents as they react to your independence. 3:39 💌 Narcissistic parents may resort to love bombing, using exaggerated positive gestures to regain control. 4:28 🤐 The silent treatment is a tactic used by narcissistic parents to punish and isolate you. 6:17 🔄 Triangulation involves spreading false information to turn others against you, creating confusion and conflict. 8:25 🔍 Narcissistic parents may exploit your weaknesses and insecurities to undermine your self-confidence. 9:37 🔄 False apologies from narcissistic parents are often insincere attempts to regain control rather than genuine remorse. 10:09 📚 Prepare for these manipulative tactics by developing strategies to manage them effectively.
My parents both had childhood issues, were both alcoholics - I’m youngest of 6 - the silent/ignored child. It wasn’t my parents but 2 of my female siblings who were the psychos! My parents are both passed away. I am a thousand miles from my siblings, the sisters live in the same rural community but brothers are in other cities or states. The 2 sisters have replaced me with my oldest sister - they treat her as the scapegoat since I’m not there. They are far past the pretentious games of trying to act as though they were loving sisters; now it’s preserving their façades as being good people.
It really was my biggest issue I think. Kept getting tricked or clobbered or bogged down over my desire for self hood and independence and all of their campaigns and attacks against it etc. And then being so confused about many things to do with their attacks and not really knowing what I needed to know to just get gone or progress etc and didn’t even know what was going on. It was like I was always looking at the big storm (instead of for my miracle or way out) and letting myself get defeated by it…over and over. And they of course create a whole lot of storm effects like “be afraid” or “be discouraged” or “just give up.” Then of course we are totally groomed to feel so small and helpless and for them to look so big and powerful. At least right now I’m having some kind of V8 moment about that. You just think omg. I can’t believe I kept falling for that sort of pyrotechnic fake show so much. Over and over. To think just how much time I wasted right at the finish line with the last few steps being so seemingly hard to even take. I think they need to teach a lot more about expecting all hell to break loose as soon as you want out or such. And how to not let it intimidate you or stop you or derail your own plans or progress. And in some cases how to stay safe when you’re trying to leave them (physically) or in a more intangible or internal way.
Yes, my mom paid during my divorce years. I very naively accepted the money, thinking it was the same kind of genuine help I always used to give to my own kids. Now I have understood that there were strings attached, but I refuse to feel guilty. In my opinion, it needs to be announced by the parent if money given is NOT meant as a gift but as a loan or trade for something else. In that case I could have politely declined the help. But without that warning, I accepted it as a help from parent to adult child, the same way I used to help my own kids from time to time... Sorry, mom, please be more explicit next time
When some narcissistic parents realize their child refuses to be controlled, they will go to any lengths to destroy that child. As I discovered after I moved three thousand miles away and found out that my computer had spyware/stalkerware installed on it. But by then it was too late, my bank accounts were drained.
In the end, I went from low contact - enduring intense abuse, dictating, demanding, attempts to undermine and hijack my primary relationship and endless put-downs and baseless assaults on my character in concentrated form every one in a while - to no contact at all. The reactions were entirely predictable, with the one ringing me up a couple of times trying to scream me into submission with big, big abandonment victimhoods, and the other just storming off into a permanent self-righteous sulk, to which I would have been supposed to go crawling for forgiveness and promising to make it all better for special little snookums.
The Narcissist in our life never fake apologized. Its always my (DIL) fault😅😅😅😅 Im the brain washer, evil, family dividing one. Ok, if she says so. I have a lot of confidence and Im secure enough with myself where I am fully aware its not me/my doing. Being an outsider, I DGAF anymore. The hubby and I stay gone, no contact. She quit calling, does send the flying monkey over every 6 months or so to get intel and we tell him nothing. Need to know basis, she/he don't need to know!
Once again thank you for these precious videos. It's comforting to know that I am not the crazy one and that there are specialists out there who understand what people like us are going through.
Thank you for your videos Jerry. This road is very hard and emotionally taxing. Although difficult to hear at times and hard to apply, it's necessary for continuing my journey of healing. Thank you for being a blessing and a wealth of knowledge to a community that desperately needs it. 🙏 I'm truly grateful for how they validate my experience and make me feel less crazy and also help me make sense of the confusion the abuse brings. God bless you.
Oh yes, unfortunately l've seen these horrible tantrums! Mocking the way l talk, actual lying about me, exaggerating, accusing me of lying, telling me what my own thoughts were and when l explain, no l was thinking this, actually tell me no, that's not true!! And yes, have brought in other family members to try to bring me down, awful stuff! And have done everything you mentioned in video. I have gotten to a place of peace and good mental and emotional health, but just did not know how to handle their behavior. I want to thank you for helping me with this last step. I can't thank you enough, truly. Love and light to you. ❤😊❤
I cant wait to get the silent treatment 😂😂 thats the joke in my family when my mom starts the silent treatment, ahhh peace, thankfully only I have to deal with her now and I wish she was giving me the silent treatment
Thank you so much, Jerry. What you´re saying about silent treatment is pure gold. ST always made me feel so guilty and horrible until last time when I finally managed to focus on myself and didn´t pay much attention. I´ve been learning to grey rock, to establish boundaries and not to be reactive for more than 2 years and at last it seems be to working, hallelujah!
The entire time I was in contact with my mother from childhood through my teenage years to my young adulthood was filled with conflict and rage. There were endless threats over nothing if I didn't do the least thing she wanted me to do. One bizarre example was when I was a sophomre in college, I went out with my first cousin. I bought a small turtle and a tank. When we got back, my mother flew into a rage right in front of my cousin. She screamed you take that turtle back or your tuition is cut off! We took it back. The guy at the pet shop couldn't believe it. My cousin said you have two more years to put up with this. I foolishly tried for longer than that. It never got better. I finally went no contact in 2006 and never looked back. That worked for me. The rage and the anger and the threats were finally gone. I would have loved for it to have gotten better. It never, ever did. I only think about it when I write posts like this. Other than this, I no longer think about my parents at all.
One of the most hardest, challenging and craziest thing here is might be quite alone with seeing through the narcissist bevaviour and their pattens and than other people have no clue whats going on when they meet this person or get to know him/her. And you have to somehow open up about it and find a way to carefully expose the drama-comic theatre play. Very challenging.
My narc father even had friends try to contact me and when that didn't work, he started a different fb account to reach me. I blocked that too. Now he calls my blocked cell and leaves guilt messages.
By miracle, I anticipated their ambush and got away before they could pull it off. Realised after I'd escaped that they'd been planning to shock me by telling me they disinheriting me in favour of my eldest daughter. They hoped I'd have an emotional reaction and isolate myself further by being angry with my daughter. Nice try, but only crap parents (like mine) get jealous of their own kids...
Could you please speak more, at some point, about the narc regime. Specifically, where a sibling hoovers a surviving parent who was previously the other parent's enabler. The narc sibling basically blocks any other siblings from having a relationship with the surviving parent.
lol. When my mother gives me the silent treatment, that’s a treat!! lol. I finally am mature enough to see it for the childishness that it is. I have been so low contact with her, it’s honestly rare that I reach out to her or respond much to her, which the replies are usually grey rock responses.
Learn inner detachment, protect your inner and external boundaries and self-differentiate. It’s such an important process to stick to. Thank you for your help and support.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be! Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Thank you for your work again Dr. Wise.
Nothing will make a narc parents and sibling flying monkeys more enraged, as when you say, “No”. Who did I think I am? No one likes you. You think you are better than us. You are so ungrateful and selfish. You don’t matter. We need to punish you so that we put you in your place. My silence created the smearing to my adult children. The flying monkeys flapped wildly to make sure that their anger was clear and obvious. My physical presence made them all restless, irritable and discontented. I must be found guilty. How insane is this? It felt like trying to gave an adult relationship with toddlers. Leaving was my only option. That was 9 years ago. I went to see my 91 year old dad recently. When I was sharing a story about one of my children’s incredible accomplishments, the look on my dad’s face and his eye roll said everything. They don’t change. Glad I went to see him though. It cemented for me that I did the right thing all those years ago. And when he passes, I won’t be going to the funeral.
I'm glad you and your children escaped. I too have gone no-contact with my mother's side of the family. The good thing is... in dropping them.... I found friendship in my paternal-side cousins whom my mother caused my father to estrange. It's been good. :) Life is so much better. And yes, I bristle a little when I think of how my maternal family vilify me, but.... as I saw in a quote somewhere, "Sometimes it's fine to let whomever think whatever. Just keep getting better."
Also, I did not go to my father's funeral either. He had repeatedly said he didn't want a viewing. I didn't go because my mother didn't even honor his wishes. I lit incense and said a prayer, which is exactly what my dad did when his dad and mom died.
@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning blah blah blah
Stay strong and flexible ❤️🍀
@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning This is so true! When I finally said No! is when they were shocked 😳!
When they finally saw that they lost control, they dropped me like a hot potato. No arguments or goodbyes.. they just never talked to me again.
Wtf kind of abandoning is that what horrible people
@@nadineelizabeth195 it's all we wanted, be abandoned by them lol. liberation
@@nadineelizabeth195in a state of shock - confirms they really did just wanted me to fulfil a scapegoat role and nothing else! Would like a loving family but if not at least im no longer subject to abuse from them
Happened to me too by my narc sibling.
Except, they've already done it long before - just taken you, me, all this time to get it.@@nadineelizabeth195
Been there. All Hell breaks loose when you won't get back in your Box.
Been there, done that... life BEYOND the box is worth fighting for :)
@@nancysavard4322 It absolutely is. 🙂
Indeed, it does! So interesting to observe in real time and not go there anymore!
Same
Well said !
I'm watching this twice because I am in that dangerous time. It is a war getting loose from them
Stand strong in your own power. You are the only one who gets to decide the course of your life. I may not know you, but I love you, and I believe in you. Good luck, courageous warrior.
@@cruella5521 don’t react, be calm, make some distance somehow. Time away from their presence and narrative. Decide your boundaries, heal - be kind to yourself - you can do it
You can do it! In my case I had narc parents and an abusive narc husband. Took everything I had to leave and start on my own from nothing and with all three actively working against me. The divorce just finalized 2 weeks ago. I got the kids ❤ and I am building again alone. I am so excited about life and the future. I am genuinely happy. I have never felt such peaceand I have also never worked so hard in my life lol. You can do it! You deserve a life of peace!
@@cruella5521 If I may reccomend prayer and also mindfulness. Really think about how you feel (even viscerally) after talking with or being around them. Really think before replying.. bc you just might find the sole purpose of any word they spoke is to confuse you or make you feel a negative emotion (fear or guilt?). And keep in mind you don't have to reply at all. This is up to you
It really helped me to journal before, during, and after going no-contact. It's amazing HOW MUCH I FORGET. There was so much abuse going on, decades before I went no-contact. I had forgotten, in order to keep myself stable enough to finish post-graduate school and all the things that come with having kids of one's own. But when I re-read my journals, it helps me remember why I went no-contact. There are SO MANY reasons. Some of which NO ONE will ever know. But I do. And that's all that matters. Remember your truth, especially when everyone will be flinging lies all around you. It can be hard to remember the truth.
It has taken me almost fifty years to realise what was being done to me by my mother. Thank you Jerry (I'm doing everything I can to remain Wise)
Took me 50 yrs here too. I always worshiped her, and never realized she expected that. Her flying monkeys include my oldest child. We finally parted ways, both of them. Sadly, my son is like me in many ways, and is her new supply. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me. I still like me. And the people left in my life, not many, thank god I never have to hear her demolish them as she tells me what she thinks of them. I was healing, and she didn't appreciate that, apparently. After all these years, I feel bamboozled! I feel more relived than sad.
It is so crazy that they've gotten away with all of this manipulation, and tricks in their bag undetected for decades.😮. What's even crazier is finding out it's happened to soo many other people...
50years too, now I'm just numb to it all. I see that I don't really matter, and am taking myself places where I do.
@@lorihoop3831 That's right. They've gotten enough supply all this time. Accept who they are, and keep it moving...✌️.
@@lorihoop3831 a healthy dose of numb is required for sure. I was taught that you drop everything and do whatever it takes for family. As I became an adult and had significant traumas of my own with my own children, that's when I became confused. I was isolated and left for dead. Took me decades to realize what she was really teaching me throughout my childhood, which was you drop everything and do whatever it takes to be there for HER, not family. It all just feels like a disgraceful waste. Playing make-believe as children is fun, and important in development, but as adults, that's a dangerous game and people always get hurt. No more make-believe for me.
It's not just parents who do this, siblings use these tactics as well.
Both my parents and siblings did this to me.
Precisely. It feels a bit scary, but then I realize that it is simply my inner child being triggered by their system (dog whistles). I am an adult that can comfort my inner child.
This is real!
🌺🌺🌺🌺🩵
@@tbunnyshy1 I love that analogy. That is a good one!
dog whistles is right. they use words with a subtext that has additional meaning to the intended audience. It's very covert. Other survivors get it, Jerry gets it.
You out of the will
No inheritance
Your golden siblings will get it all
Exactly right, My narc mother removed me out of the will when I told her I cannot be manipulated by her anymore. My golden sibling got money from her all their life and I never
asked for anything. I never fought with my mom or gave her lip, I just tried to keep everything calm until I couldnt stand watching her behavior and manipulation anymore. Her
lying to everyone about everything was so bad, there was no truth in her at all. I told her calmly that I can't be manipulated anymore and that very day she kicked me out of her life and I have never heard from her again.
Each of my siblings and cousins got $300,000 apiece. As the family scapegoat, I was disinherited. They all went along with that. I'm actually okay with that because, like Toto, I got away.
Absolutely this. I'm their only surviving child, my brother died at 22. So they've leaving it all to my eldest daughter
@@laurakhaydon how crazy is that
They can have it… I am self reliant and self differentiated…
My mom has always used money against me. I’m almost 2 years no contact and all she can ever say is “look at all we’ve done for you” as far as the financial help from the past. Things that normal parents would do…. She uses money as a way to keep her victims close.
Same exact thing here.
Yup...
My mother has driven me crazy over money. Mixed messages, hurt etc... Now 80 and forgetful it's worse because she can't remember the last lie she told me!
They will try at all costs to break the boundaries you have set up - they will be relentless starting with their strongest tactic first - whatever they perceive will be a mighty blow to you to “bring you back in line” after a while if you hold out- do not react! Then they come with manipulation, being nice trying to Hoover you. Resist that. Hold the boundary and don’t react - Jerry taught me that!
Thank you ❤
After 5 months of silence because my mother was so aggressive to me,i blocked her number, whatsapp and fb, and that really gave me already inner peace and freedom, she at once dropped 1000 euros on my bankaccount, wirh the message: 'for your hollidays'. I have never asked her for that. So it was just a tactic to hoover me back in. I have only mailed her a 'thank you' card, with no other words or information. I keep my distance from her. I only didnot block her emailadress, it is the only way left to have a minimum of communication and to avoid her anger, aggression and tantrums. I got a leaky gut and many other health problems because of her bullying and hatefull behavior to me. She is doing the smear campaign behind my back, but i don't care. I have no contact with family anymore, i live 100 km away and never see my family here. So freedom here and peace, me with myself, healing and becoming happy, creating my new life as an orfan.
This is so sick! 😮 the playing the victim role is absolutely disgusting. These people are abominations! My parents have done this to me.
The love bombing, the silent treatment, manipulation, the pathological lying. OMG. How gross. 🤢 I'm so tired of dealing with my mother. It's not good for my health. Wow. They want me to pursue them. I've been there and done that. Smh.
Mr. Wise thank you so much for this.
I pray that as I work toward $independence me and my daughter can break free and leave them ALL behind.
Stop being sensitive
Fight back or stfu
Financial independence is important. My mother sabotaged my job in order to try to keep me away from other family members. It's really sick. Once you have your own kids, you realize that the narcissistic parent is highly abnormal. I'm blessed that my husband's parents were not narcissists. My mother-in-law is my role model for parenting now.
@mvbigmagic4048 how wonderful that you have a positive example and model of good parenting. According to professionals, I am an example of a model parent and that makes me feel like I have hope! Because this revelation has been a torment and anguish for me to realize that my parents are demons in the flesh. Sabotage? Every single step of the way. I'm doing my best to break free from my mother's last attempt at killing me and destroying me in real-time. She's threatening to make both me and my daughter homeless by December. Why because she's tired of helping us and we are disabled. Go figure. My body has crashed from the abuse [all my life] and I am working on getting better but it takes time. It certainly doesn't help she's enmeshed me and I need her car to get back and forth so she takes it away when she feels like it BUT expects me to heal in HER time frame and according to her rules. I've missed doctor appointments, PT, etc yet she rages at me and my daughter to hurry it up. No, no stresses here. I was so stupid to move in with her and " be a family " that supports and takes care of one another. That's how she lured me back in here when I had my own house, car, life, etc. So, I'm at square one with new challenges. I pray we'll make it out on top. I apologize for dumping. Thank you for your response and yes $$$ independence is a necessity.
My mom used to get on me for saying I'm sorry when I was wrong. She would say never say your sorry. I'm glad I didn't listen, I always admit if I'm wrong and or made a mistake and I do say I'm sorry. No problem.
When I was 14 my mom called upstairs to my bedroom, she used the sweetest voice to call my name and so I went running. When I got to my room she stepped out and chocked me because I didn't make my bed that morning. I almost passed out her grip was so tight. Many times I wished I would have died at that moment so she would of gone to prison.
No doubt she would have lied about it somehow and gotten away with it. I learned to hate her that day.
Listened to the bullet points here and all I can say is BINGO. They did all of that. I had no idea I was dealing with npd at the time but I did suspect scapegoating. I roughed it through the tactics and then decided I had to go no contact without even knowing what that was. The hits kept coming and I had to put a stop to it. They thought I couldn't survive without them. Little did they know that I grew up alone in many ways and I already had some survival skills from that. I was the target, the "lowlife" of the unit. Being so alone growing up, I learned how to self-talk and initiate. It was dicey, I won't lie about that. But I'm less suicidal as an exile than I was in the bosom of the narcissistically-headed unit. I have so much more hope and options. Good luck to everyone here.
".....temporary measures to regain control, rather than a genuine effort to improve the relationship"...THAT PART!!!!
The DAY that I said NO MORE to my parents....they called the police on me and said that I hit my father. Over the past three years they've called the police on me... literally about ten times. They lied and said I hit them and had me arrested. Over and over again. Now I have a court case for ELDER ABUSE that's been going on for two and a half years. They're despicable.
oh, classic move... hang in there!
I’m sorry that happened. I have a paralleled story
Yep, I have had similar circumstances.
Its not just narcissism at this point, its sociopathy.
One day at a time, I hope someone sees the truth for you.
They love using the power of police it's so crazy, I've noticed that amongst narc parents
Can your lawyer request that everyone involved submit to a lie detector test? Can you volunteer for one?
This hits every note on how my father behaves. He loses his shit whenever he lost control, and he gets angry when you don’t listen to him. The part about undermining autonomy, denial and minimization, playing the victim, etc. all hit the nail right in the head. Thank you for validating my thoughts and suspicions of him.
I so wish I'd realized this when I was younger and couldn't understand my parent's reaction to the positive milestones in my life. They were mostly negative about things in my life which were produced joy in other families. Wish I'd known No Contact was an option!
@2012Beckster: I absolutely know what you mean. I lived a childhood and young adulthood in abject dissonance. I absorbed the pain and showed resilience at every blow (negative reaction to proud events of my life - my mother made ALL of them about herself). It's so nice to hear someone validate this feeling that I have accepted as normal my whole life!
Nobody in your Narcissistic Family System is EVER going to tell you that - because they want you right where you are up under them, just as Jerry says
When I was 18 I couldn’t stand living at home anymore. My sister lived across the country and offered to have me live with her. Our dad called her and intimidated her and she called me apologizing saying she can’t have me there. She said even though our dad lives 2000 miles away from her , she is still scared of him. So yep… couldn’t move. Was stuck in that house for 3 more years and they continued to torture me til I was 32 and went no contact. This Monday will be 6 years since I cut them off and I have never known such happiness.
And when I say they I meant my mom and dad. They were both terrible.
Life must have gotten so much better for you.
@@dennisrobinson8008 you can’t even imagine 🙂
I've come to learn about Express Emotions in family systems. I noticed my parent went from overt aggression to passive aggression.
Also the lack of reflection. They can't see I have needs and priorities it seems.
Whenever I asked for help, mentioned an injustice, or felt uneasy; I'd get told I was being a victim. A contemptuous weak coward. Especially since I was mentioning their golden child's brutish conduct and their own brutish conduct.
Thing is feeling empowered is red meat to them. They want you devoid of power and your true self. Literally, part of the definition of truama is to be made to feel unsafe and powerless.
I can go through medical issues or try to attend school. Both be at my worse and my best but it won't be where they want me. So the sabotage and them trying to overload my nervous system until I break.
Then they all laugh "Look at him! What's wrong with him, am I right?!"
I walked away from my family after a very serious attack on my identity and the ensuing smear campaign that almost killed me. No one ever asked me for my side nor questioned their gossip. I was 40 years old and they tried to use nostalgic memories to lure me back, like "you were such a free spirited 20 yo, we just want you to be like you were then" translation: they wanted me to be the easily manipulated one that I was then. I learned a great deal about how not treat people from my family of origin. Now, I'm building the family I want, not the one they are stuck in. Wow this is psychotic stuff, glad I got away
Lol, after all of her drama, the silent treatment is wonderful
Yes! Id rather not have any communication with them whatsoever! 😂😂😂
Control of what? Themselves or their child?
I was raised by a raging, abusive alcoholic who beat me when I couldn't control myself.
How ironic.
I remember being incredibly aware of the hypocrisy, even as a preschooler.
A grown man raging at a child. Who was out of control?
"Whenever you believe lies...."
Same is happening to me now! I called the whole toxic family dynamic out in a very soft and loving way. Its coming up to a year now of getting the silent treatment. Imagine getting the silent treatment for saying you want a better/healthier relationship.😂 What really happened is I was expected to make the first move to contact my n/mum after I made the last effort to ‘fix things’. In stead I took her silent treatment and used the opportunity to go no contact. Its difficult at times. But I feel so much better. Like a weight has been lifted.
I said that something hurt my feelings a few months ago and was met with an "ok", and then complete silence. It was then that I figured out my feelings and even myself do NOT matter, and I'm not reaching out anymore. The phone works both ways.
I get this! It’s the same with my mom. When you confront they either lash out or give silent treatment. It’s a better life without them but…it still feels wrong at times even though I know it is not. I pray for my family and let them go.
No need to be soft and loving. It won't make any difference. They also don't deserve it.
@TheFilmLocker very similar here. Silent treatment after stating a reasonable boundary and telling the truth. Threatened to 'never have a relationship with them' if I do that again ??? Well that wouldn't be a real relationship anyways (just a one sided one) and so I just didn't reply. This has been hurtful-- not to go no contact w people who abused and mistreated me, but to realize they really never cared. Shoukd have sooner.
@@lorihoop3831 Yep! I remind myself of that when I think about being the bigger person and reaching out
My parents let me go pretty early because I moved far away and they were never interested in me in the first place - BUT - getting them out of me has been the toughest challenge I will face this lifetime - I’m pretty sure. I experienced every single item discussed in the video not from my foo - family of origin - but from my narcissistic spouse. My marriage turned into a nightmare when my ex-husband realized he had lost control of me. The dynamics of my marriage were the same as my foo - and I couldn’t see it when we married. Painful - but over now - thank goodness. Great info Jerry!!!
Definitely know about the hoovering, flying monkeys, badmouthing, also the offers of paying for things.
I went no contact so gradually that I didnt get much of a campaign to bring me back in. I had the threat to be cut from the Will, which was their so-called "trump card", of "If you dont get back in line, you will get nothing" threat. It was the final confirmation I needed and was the beginning of the end of the relationship for me.
My father was a simple soul - his MO was hitting me every day (or threatening to break my neck), and the silent treatment - always six weeks.
My first memory of him hitting me was when I was about three. I was sobbing loudly, while shouting Doesn't hurt! Doesn't hurt!
And my last was when I was 16. He walked towards me, ready to hit, and I held him off. He raged, but ignored me for six weeks, which was bliss.
I don't know if constantly calling me rude names counts, but it all paints a picture of a man who couldn't cope.
I’m sorry and you’re right….he was damaged
You are SAFE now & YOU control Your love fe story. It's hard but WALK & DO NOT ANYONE....ANYONE TEAR YOU DOWN. DO MOT GET ANGRY, RAGE OR Close YOURSELF OFF. JEEP YOUR HEART OPEN & LOVE TO LIVE. YOU GOT THIS🙏💖💪👍
@@godzillamanstreb524 Thank you. He had a difficult relationship with his mother, and I think he took it out on me.
I think now that my "Doesn't hurt!" was my way of telling him that he wasn't getting to me. It's sad that I grew up - spent his life
- disliking him!
@@sandracrandall4561 Thanks, Sandra, I've been safe for a long time, and he's been dead for 35 years, so he really can't touch me now.
People patronised me by telling me I became more confident with age. Nothing to do with age. It was not having a man looking over my shoulder, waiting to tell me what I'd done wrong.
When I took control of my life away from my control freak narcissistic father, things got ugly.
He went nuclear on me.
I left him to figure it out for himself, because I turned my back and walked away.
That was 30 years ago.
When he died in 2012, he banned me from his funeral.
The joke's on h8m, as I was never planning to attend anyways.
This happened to me with my mother forever. I cut off contact in my 40’s because I figured her out. My then husband took her to the airport and she told him I have lost control of her. He told her she lost control a long time ago. Carol H. is a classic narcissist
with a mix of borderline personality disorder. Delegated her responsibility for my siblings
onto me. Sex, physical and emotional abuse. My father tried to kill her and her boss. Had a relationship with both of them at the same time for years. He died in prison. Bad country song lyrics. No contact is the only way to heal. I hope this helps all of us recovering. Thanks Jerry for all that you do!❤
Wow. I also finally realized I can't leave my mom alone with anyone who matters to me.
How to tell if you're a narc parent who's adult kids are onto your bs: they tell you to stick it and become happy people relieved of your presence. Offloading you is a RELIEF! It improves our quality of life. No one misses you. Your presence is punishment.
I feel the same way. Offloaded them and now healing.
They really do want a nobel prize for giving their insincere, "I'm sorry you feel hurt by my reaction to you upsetting me" apologies. My SIL texted me as a flying monkey for my MIL with some passive aggressive statement about it being "hard" for THEM when we all visit. I asked her why it's hard for when they're the ones who are being rude to me, and she said, "I'm trying to be nice and the only one making an effort to do so!" They want me to just forget everything they've done and go back to make believe world where they're great people and don't have to respect bare minimum boundaries. 😂
Wow my mom said the same thing, "Sorry you feel that way", sorry your version of reality is wrong....LOL
Rage and aggression! Spot on how my nm reacted the precise moment she knew she was losing control. She got so worked up over the phone, that she actually hung up on me. I blocked her immediately. She went nuts
Same here.
Another story that went the opposite direction. My sibling and spouse would cook for holidays and gatherings at their place or my parents home. They would tag team watching me eat the food. If I left anything on the plate I wasn’t respectful. So I’d try taking less food and just go back for more. One time I wrapped up my leftovers and put it in the fridge. They didn’t like that either. Eventually I developed an issue with swallowing at meals with them and I couldn’t eat fast enough. They noticed that too. I still have some swallowing issues at times. Edit to add This happened as an adult.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 😢 My son also doesn't swallow. I am a divorced SLD mother of 2 living with my narc parents. We all get on my 5 yr old son about his slow eating, every day it's a thing in how he resists. You've given me so much pause in how I go about encouraging his appetite, I'm going to change my whole approach now and let him fill his own plate and go for seconds as needed. THANK YOU!!
@@tmjewel I’m glad my story helps you and your son. You clearly care for him very much and are trying to see from his point of view. That makes all the difference
❤❤22❤❤ BRUTAL . I'M 55 YEARS OLD AND JUST TRYING 2 LIVE MY BEST LIFE FINALLY
I am 53 and in the same boat.
I'm bothered
I can't leave this place yet, but they force me to comply and conform...
Your inside world is untouchable by them. Your inside world is safe for you.
Oh the stories. Our family estate sale was a misery for me. I own my parents home and the siblings insisted that I work harder even though I already did quite a bit. So I got angry and wouldn’t talk to the when the came to sort through papers. They did things like wait for everyone to leave then burn stuff in the back yard. They’d stand out and watch me drive by because I didn’t want to come in til they left. Then when I finally did come back with groceries they wanted an apology. I barricaded myself in the house with my pets during the auction.the siblings stood in the yard for hours because they wanted to get in and dig through the stuff in the house they wanted. After that they’ve all withdrawn. Basically the silent treatment.
@@debbiejahnke8724 In my family, everything was pre-arranged - no probate - nothing. The 2 sisters & half brother were POA’s - did not include me in anything. The day after my mom’s funeral, they all met at a sister’s & took what they wanted - not a word was mentioned about it to me. I did get a Facebook message asking if I wanted any ashes from her cremation.
@@kabel7985 yep. Loving family activity for sure. Sorry for your experience
@@debbiejahnke8724 Same for you- Sorry you had to go through the pain of disconnecting but it gets better!
You got the house? Pretty sure I am getting nothing.
@@moscowcowboy_13 it’s complicated. I got the house because the siblings forced a sale while my mother and I were still living in it. If I didn’t buy the house we’d both be out on the street. She was elderly and I was caregiving. The sibs made sure I paid the max possible so all of my inheritance went into the mortgage. They were off the hook as a group for house upkeep and they didn’t even have to clean up the place to sell it. There was no home inspection either. So first off my mom got nothing. And no protection. Second there was no estate plan and the one we got was an emergency plan that equally split it with six siblings. It was a cluster F. If I wanted to make more money I could’ve just gone to work instead of living on poverty wages caregiving for about 8 years and making myself sick.
85 y.o. mother has done most of these things, which tells me, she is a Covert Narcissist.
Her mysterious, incurable pain & laxative- induced diarrhea is why we didn't take her on a plane trip to see our only grandbabies. (Not to mention her disrespect for my husband) She is still mad about that!
She must be texting up a storm (about what/who??), going through 2,000 texts in 2 months. Even though she's not speaking to us, she still wants us to program extra text purchased card.
I still can't believe she can act so childish & play the victim!
Thank you Lord for Jerry Wise. Going through all these. Holy Spirit has me grounded.
It's like whack a mole. As soon as you gray rock them out of some behaviour, they try the next one. This morning I got the punishing burnt morning outmeal. Hot burnt smelling steam was shooting out of the porrige as she was stirring the pot. I did not take the bait.
My father made our breakfasts. My mother stayed in bed till we'd all left the house!
These videos have been super helpful. I have a family member who has this habit of saying some random, offhanded thing for which there is no proper response because if you go one way or another, you’re either admitting you’re wrong for feeling like you do or you are taking things way too far and you’re just being cruel. My tactic is to stay neutral and simple with the response. It short circuits their brain every time, because it lets them know you’re not budging on how you feel, but you’re also not setting out to inflict pain on them.
They will double down on inflicting as much pain to you as possible! At least, that is what I experienced. It was gaslighting (still happening), pretending to go through delirium episodes( I have it recorded) and spoke with several doctors and nurses that denied seeing or hearing any symptoms of such. It is/was a sh!t show of epic proportions. The silent treatments have been done to me over the years. I've seen her very nasty behavior.
"and spoke with several doctors and nurses that denied seeing or hearing any symptoms of such"
An under-discussed point is the extent to which those doctors and nurses were & are raised (and trained) in the same narcissist-rewarding culture that we are
They don’t even have to lose control- my narc parents would use the age thing to get one over everyone… until I had my stroke. It ended up being a kind of equalizer with them- narcs thrive on control, and they lost some of it because of my condition. Just the increased time I would need to get stuff done (especially with their “get stuff done now!!!” mentality) puts them lower down the importance scale than they used to enjoy.
I am stronger than her. And smarter than her and the smile doesn't leave my face, even when sometimes there is frustration. She'll never see me break again.
Well I’m on limited contact w my narc mother cuz unfortunately I’m stuck living in the same house still but I have a exit plan and will leave ASAP. The limited contact tho, is so much more peaceful than dealing w her crap. Can not wait for my day when I can walk away for good 😊 thank you Jerry ❤❤❤
I went through the same thing, you can do it!
Triangulation and epic smear campaigns that have lasted nearly a lifetime, in the making and maintenance of for many, many years and counting now! Have found great relief and refuge in understanding from many sources, including brilliant teaching videos like yours Dr. Wise! Thank you for the excellent work that you continue to produce and provide for so many!
For years I kept coming back to get close him in despite of his rejection, thinking he will change and get close to me as well, until I understood this was a sort of illness that can't be treated, and that the way he let the system make him believe all the BS that he believes in, was not my problem.
I'm grateful that I reached this point, I am in peace with my life.
Thank you Dr. Jerry!!
💪😺🙏
They will never see me as uncontrollable. They will always expect me to come back any day now.
I love the planned silent treatment vacation, and I enjoy myself!
My eldest sister started her narcissistic sociopath ways at only 8 years old. She hated me from the day I was born. My mom told me that she could not leave me alone with her when i was little because my sister would hurt me whenever possible. I firmly believe her narcissism was already a part of her personality from birth. Its sad that parents always get blamed for the mentally defective make up of their children. Ps it got much worse as she got older eventually attacking her own parents relentlessly..
The parents treatment is often unconscious. Your sister is obviously the scapegoat child.
My sister is the same and she is exactly like my dad
Sounds very familiar
@@design2c436 I'm a boy. My sister started the hatred of me when I was 6 months old. As I got older she showed my other siblings my older brothers that hurting me was fun. They tied me up and whipped me with belts. They shot me with BB guns. They through darts at me and my sister threw a knife at me. The physical abuse continued until I grew bigger than them and they feared me. Later they switched to head games and mental abuse. When my parents got sick and passed away they even attacked them and stole everything including the wedding rings off the bodies in the funeral home. I could go on and on..
@@jl3268 No I was the scapegoat child. Sister and oldest brother were golden child. 2nd brother is the flying monkey that does what he's told so he can avoid the treatment I received.
I am reflecting on my phone call with the Narcissist yesterday and it is really hitting me on how much I missed out on..
I am sorry for all you had to endure AND the best part is you are free from them. You are a warrior. You can take whatever comes your way. Look at all of your followers and how you are helping them. We feel heard! Thank you Jerry! ❤
0:00 🧠 Narcissistic parents become dangerous when they sense they are losing control over you.
1:36 🎭 Narcissistic parents will use manipulation techniques, including guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail, to reassert control.
2:11 😡 Expect rage and aggression from narcissistic parents as they react to your independence.
3:39 💌 Narcissistic parents may resort to love bombing, using exaggerated positive gestures to regain control.
4:28 🤐 The silent treatment is a tactic used by narcissistic parents to punish and isolate you.
6:17 🔄 Triangulation involves spreading false information to turn others against you, creating confusion and conflict.
8:25 🔍 Narcissistic parents may exploit your weaknesses and insecurities to undermine your self-confidence.
9:37 🔄 False apologies from narcissistic parents are often insincere attempts to regain control rather than genuine remorse.
10:09 📚 Prepare for these manipulative tactics by developing strategies to manage them effectively.
Yap all of the above. ✔️
My parents both had childhood issues, were both alcoholics - I’m youngest of 6 - the silent/ignored child. It wasn’t my parents but 2 of my female siblings who were the psychos!
My parents are both passed away. I am a thousand miles from my siblings, the sisters live in the same rural community but brothers are in other cities or states. The 2 sisters have replaced me with my oldest sister - they treat her as the scapegoat since I’m not there. They are far past the pretentious games of trying to act as though they were loving sisters; now it’s preserving their façades as being good people.
It really was my biggest issue I think. Kept getting tricked or clobbered or bogged down over my desire for self hood and independence and all of their campaigns and attacks against it etc. And then being so confused about many things to do with their attacks and not really knowing what I needed to know to just get gone or progress etc and didn’t even know what was going on.
It was like I was always looking at the big storm (instead of for my miracle or way out) and letting myself get defeated by it…over and over. And they of course create a whole lot of storm effects like “be afraid” or “be discouraged” or “just give up.” Then of course we are totally groomed to feel so small and helpless and for them to look so big and powerful. At least right now I’m having some kind of V8 moment about that. You just think omg. I can’t believe I kept falling for that sort of pyrotechnic fake show so much. Over and over. To think just how much time I wasted right at the finish line with the last few steps being so seemingly hard to even take.
I think they need to teach a lot more about expecting all hell to break loose as soon as you want out or such. And how to not let it intimidate you or stop you or derail your own plans or progress. And in some cases how to stay safe when you’re trying to leave them (physically) or in a more intangible or internal way.
you have the best comments goodenoughgirl
@@adrian-s1e Aw shucks. Thanks!😊
Yes, my mom paid during my divorce years. I very naively accepted the money, thinking it was the same kind of genuine help I always used to give to my own kids. Now I have understood that there were strings attached, but I refuse to feel guilty. In my opinion, it needs to be announced by the parent if money given is NOT meant as a gift but as a loan or trade for something else. In that case I could have politely declined the help. But without that warning, I accepted it as a help from parent to adult child, the same way I used to help my own kids from time to time... Sorry, mom, please be more explicit next time
When some narcissistic parents realize their child refuses to be controlled, they will go to any lengths to destroy that child. As I discovered after I moved three thousand miles away and found out that my computer had spyware/stalkerware installed on it. But by then it was too late, my bank accounts were drained.
Spot on…..you have described my mother
In the end, I went from low contact - enduring intense abuse, dictating, demanding, attempts to undermine and hijack my primary relationship and endless put-downs and baseless assaults on my character in concentrated form every one in a while - to no contact at all. The reactions were entirely predictable, with the one ringing me up a couple of times trying to scream me into submission with big, big abandonment victimhoods, and the other just storming off into a permanent self-righteous sulk, to which I would have been supposed to go crawling for forgiveness and promising to make it all better for special little snookums.
The Narcissist in our life never fake apologized. Its always my (DIL) fault😅😅😅😅 Im the brain washer, evil, family dividing one. Ok, if she says so. I have a lot of confidence and Im secure enough with myself where I am fully aware its not me/my doing. Being an outsider, I DGAF anymore. The hubby and I stay gone, no contact. She quit calling, does send the flying monkey over every 6 months or so to get intel and we tell him nothing. Need to know basis, she/he don't need to know!
This is so relatable! I'm no contact with my in-laws since January 🎉🎉🎉
Yup! I just keep in mind that my mother is full of shit. "Whatever Emilie."
Once again thank you for these precious videos. It's comforting to know that I am not the crazy one and that there are specialists out there who understand what people like us are going through.
I don't have energy for this, I have my hands full with me, so I will stay out of your drama❤
Thank you for your videos Jerry. This road is very hard and emotionally taxing. Although difficult to hear at times and hard to apply, it's necessary for continuing my journey of healing. Thank you for being a blessing and a wealth of knowledge to a community that desperately needs it. 🙏 I'm truly grateful for how they validate my experience and make me feel less crazy and also help me make sense of the confusion the abuse brings. God bless you.
Listening to you and I hope to be much WISEr
Oh yes, unfortunately l've seen these horrible tantrums! Mocking the way l talk, actual lying about me, exaggerating, accusing me of lying, telling me what my own thoughts were and when l explain, no l was thinking this, actually tell me no, that's not true!! And yes, have brought in other family members to try to bring me down, awful stuff! And have done everything you mentioned in video. I have gotten to a place of peace and good mental and emotional health, but just did not know how to handle their behavior. I want to thank you for helping me with this last step. I can't thank you enough, truly. Love and light to you. ❤😊❤
Damn Jerry, you been through hell. I am thankful for nuggets of gold ty times a million❤
Jerry you are a blessing...thank you 🙏
Wow, thank you
I have never heard anyone describe this "phenomenon " better! 👍
I cant wait to get the silent treatment 😂😂 thats the joke in my family when my mom starts the silent treatment, ahhh peace, thankfully only I have to deal with her now and I wish she was giving me the silent treatment
very painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
THANK YOU you Mr. Wise. This has been very helpful. God bless you !!!
I have been there!
Thank you for another video!
Thank you so much, Jerry. What you´re saying about silent treatment is pure gold. ST always made me feel so guilty and horrible until last time when I finally managed to focus on myself and didn´t pay much attention. I´ve been learning to grey rock, to establish boundaries and not to be reactive for more than 2 years and at last it seems be to working, hallelujah!
I needed this! Thank you Jerry ❤
Jerry please come up with some merchandise with your sayings on them!
Great idea
haha! damn good idea. A t shirt that says " I'm not a Coke a Cola" or " Don't tell me I need a haircut!" 😂😂
@@nikdenbak3961 😂
@@jerrywise yes please do! Stickers at least!
@@jerrywise One that says "Stay Wise"
The entire time I was in contact with my mother from childhood through my teenage years to my young adulthood was filled with conflict and rage. There were endless threats over nothing if I didn't do the least thing she wanted me to do. One bizarre example was when I was a sophomre in college, I went out with my first cousin. I bought a small turtle and a tank. When we got back, my mother flew into a rage right in front of my cousin. She screamed you take that turtle back or your tuition is cut off! We took it back. The guy at the pet shop couldn't believe it. My cousin said you have two more years to put up with this. I foolishly tried for longer than that. It never got better. I finally went no contact in 2006 and never looked back. That worked for me. The rage and the anger and the threats were finally gone. I would have loved for it to have gotten better. It never, ever did. I only think about it when I write posts like this. Other than this, I no longer think about my parents at all.
Excellent. I bet they really don't like you, Jerry. But they are just reaping what they sowed. 2,000 miles helps too.
Thank you Jerry❤❤
They'll use every dirty trick in the book and then they'll make some stuff up, just to try and control you. A-yup.
One of the most hardest, challenging and craziest thing here is might be quite alone with seeing through the narcissist bevaviour and their pattens and than other people have no clue whats going on when they meet this person or get to know him/her. And you have to somehow open up about it and find a way to carefully expose the drama-comic theatre play. Very challenging.
100% my family
Thank you, sir. Your wisdom has been helpful ^_^
I experienced all of these tactics from narc mom except for the apology part.
Wonderfully Wise! 💖
My narc father even had friends try to contact me and when that didn't work, he started a different fb account to reach me. I blocked that too. Now he calls my blocked cell and leaves guilt messages.
By miracle, I anticipated their ambush and got away before they could pull it off. Realised after I'd escaped that they'd been planning to shock me by telling me they disinheriting me in favour of my eldest daughter. They hoped I'd have an emotional reaction and isolate myself further by being angry with my daughter. Nice try, but only crap parents (like mine) get jealous of their own kids...
I always look forward to the emails of your new videos. thanks Jerry!
Thanks always.
From Cynthia Ann
in JANESVILLE, WI
Welcome!
Could you please speak more, at some point, about the narc regime. Specifically, where a sibling hoovers a surviving parent who was previously the other parent's enabler. The narc sibling basically blocks any other siblings from having a relationship with the surviving parent.
lol. When my mother gives me the silent treatment, that’s a treat!! lol. I finally am mature enough to see it for the childishness that it is. I have been so low contact with her, it’s honestly rare that I reach out to her or respond much to her, which the replies are usually grey rock responses.
Learn inner detachment, protect your inner and external boundaries and self-differentiate. It’s such an important process to stick to. Thank you for your help and support.
I saved this, need to watch it again
thank you for another great informative video⭐️
You are so welcome!
Great advice, Jerry ❤
Thanks for watching!
im def getting the silent treatment now haha but they don't realise what a gift it is haha
Thank You! I have been there......💝