6 Reasons Affairs Don’t Last / Affair Recovery
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- čas přidán 24. 07. 2024
- When I was having an affair I didn't think about when it would end or if it would end. I just thought I was in it for the long haul and hopefully, we would have a happy ending. But I learned that is the deception of infidelity. I want to share with you 6 reasons why I believe an affair won't last.
My name is Stacey Chenevert and I am an infidelity recovery coach. My mission is to equip people with the tools needed to promote healing, growth, and complete transformation after infidelity, through nonjudgemental, authentic coaching. So you can heal from the past, live in the present, and become the woman you want to be without fear of the future.
If you would like help learning how to heal from infidelity and transform your life. I offer a 30 minute 1:1 chat. app.squarespacescheduling.com...
Podcast-anchor.fm/stacey85/episodes/U... on all platforms- Healing A Woman's Infidelity
If you would like more information and tips on how to end an affair, you can read blog post here:moderndayeve.com/the-truth-ab...
My course on How To Survive The First 30 Days After An Affair Ends: Free when you sign up for four sessions.
If you are a betrayed spouse and would like help learning how to reconnect with your spouse and learn more about what goes on behind the scenes of an affair I would love to help you.
I offer a 1:1 30 minute chat. Just follow the link below to my calendar.
SCHEDULE A 30 MINUTE SESSION WITH ME: app.squarespacescheduling.com...
Please feel free to email me: stacey@moderndayeve.com
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Join the Podcast tribe at Healing Modern Day Eve's Infidelity
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I think affairs happen for a couple reasons that you havnt listed. 1, you have a person, such as a coworker , who shows interest in you in a subtle way, but consistently, and you eventually allow yourself to cross the line by flirting, then sneaking time outside of work with this person, and eventually an affair blossoms. If you don't have the mindset that none of that was unhealthy for your marriage, then it was inevitable an affair would happen. 2, you have issues with your marriage, but rather than keep your personal business within your marriage, you go to work and vent to anyone that will listen. That's when that person who has had low key interest in you decides to make a move. They will tell you exactly what you want to hear because you have been broadcasting your problems to others. It's easy for a person to act just like the one who understands you, because you gave that person a road map into your mind so you will feel connected to them. Keep your issues between yourselves or go to therapy to hash out the problems and get a third party perspective. 3, lust, we all have it, its really a matter of how you control it. Weak ones will allow themselves to cheat just for the physical excitement, the thrill of someone that isn't their partner. Strong ones will take that feeling home and use it to thrill their partner. But so many people feel like they missed out on something like sleeping around because they married young, and want to experience that, but at the expense of betraying their partner.. 4, a long term marriage is not a day at the carnival everyday , sometimes it gets dull, boring, having to be adults, raising kids, keeping a household running, so eventually someone will show a little excitement to you and you want that, so you chase that, and you start an affair. I'm sure there are other reasons, but the common denominator is, when the betrayed spouse finds out, every single one of these brings an unimaginable pain unlike something that could be done physically. It's a pain that carries on for years. It's a pain that will be with you into your next relationship. Along with mistrust, and a general dislike of people. Alot of times, the person who betrays will not care how it affects the betrayed, until it happens to them. And your never just betraying your spouse, its your kids, in laws, extended family, its a ripple in the lake that will eventually reach all sides.
Thank you for this. Mine was a lack of communication with my partner that led me out, but the only sentence I didn't agree with is that the unfaithful doesn't understand how the betrayed feels until it happens to them. I feel like dying, I never ever thought my spouse would be this hurt... I thought he stopped loving me.... i want to take his pain away. I want to take back everything I did to him. But I can't and drives me crazy May GOD help us
I've been on the receiving end of betrayal and that person has had zero consequences over the yrs. Maybe men just don't care as much as women or women get more judged?
@Anna Banzon I don't think anyone just doesn't care when they get betrayed. I think people handle it differently depending on who they are. Strong people will simply cut the cheater out of their lives instantly, no matter how far or long the relationship was and what reason they did it is totally insignificant, it's the fact that they have that little respect for the relationship that they would do that to their partner. Then there are the people who play pick me, mainly because they are scared of what happens if they end the relationship and are alone. Then there are the ones that want revenge, they will act ok , but inside they are on fire waiting to get their pound of flesh, then they will discard the cheater like they were nothing in the first place. It's pretty disgusting how cheating has become so"normal" , in my world, it will never be that, 1 strike its over and they become non existent in my life, like i never knew them. Hookup culture is a modern day tragedy that has ruined the future for the idea of marriage and families. It's a shame that loyalty is a true problem in marriages and the divorce rates are climbing higher and higher. As are the number of single/sexless people in their younger years. Women have chosen to be strong independent career chasers that don't need men for anything but a good time, and men have left the idea of marriage in a cloud of dust as it's just a waste of time , the possibility of divorce and disloyalty is to high to want to bear the consequences of it. Then there are the worse things out there like paternity fraud that could very well bring a guy to offing himself, but that's an entirely different topic.
@@69dewballs I'm talking about the cheater. Do male cheaters care less about public opinion? Whereas a female cheater may face more judgment n shame?
@@annabanzon313 I feel like a man cheating will be judged as harshly if people are aware of it. I believe it really boils down to when a woman cheats, there is usually an emotional aspect of it, meaning she was giving this person the same attention she would have been giving her partner/husband, and also, the chance of pregnancy and whether she would attempt to pass ot off on her normal partner as his. With a guy, its usually just purely physical without any thought of attachment, not that it makes it any better, but alot of the time it comes from a dead bedroom at home with no end in sight. Sure, women have the one night stands also, but they are more likely to go back to that same person again and again if she thinks she is getting away with it. Either way, it sucks, but there is a lot more to be lost and broken if a woman cheats, ends up pregnant and in the event of passing the kid off as his, the chance of him finding this out at some point after raising that child is not only soul crushing, but can and will make him mentally unhealthy. Unfortunately, the kid will pay for it in the end when the real father os nowhere to be found, the father they knew walked away feeling resentment towards the child and mother, and the potential for self harm is very real. Whereas, if he gets caught cheating, he is viewed as a piece of dirt, most likely seperate and divorce, and everyone goes their separate ways. Even if it comes to light that he got another woman pregnant, the end result is the same. She leaves him , he gets ostracized by mutual friends and family, and eventually, everyone moves on. So yes, women cheating is judged alot more, because the potential end result could be far worse, and the attention she put into it .
The one thing that you never touch on, outside of the guilt and shame you feel for the bad choice, is the lack of love, desire and empathy for the pain you cause to your spouse. When the affair gets found out by the spouse the first thing that the betraying spouse is worried about is what they are going to loose and no mention of the any sadness and heartfelt remorse for the pain they’ve inflicted.
Is there a reason you would like me to touch on this topic?
@MySecondNature-FNappi, you hit the nail on the head. In another video she touts the need for the betrayed spouse to be empathetic toward their betrayer from the beginning of attempted reconciliation. She states that the betrayed must make the betrayer feel "safe" by not judging them, otherwise they will "shut down" and it will slow down the reconciliation process. So to all of you betrayed spouses out there, bottle up your hurt because you certainly don't want to judge the poor forest creatures (snark, snark) who planned and schemed to continue breaking the marriage covenant, shattered your self-esteem, put your health at risk (potential STIs), and in some cases created the need to DNA test the children. It takes two spouses to have marriage problems, but only one spouse to break the marriage by having an affair. I firmly believe that it is best for both spouses to have individual therapy first so they can process things before the situation unravels and causes more havoc. This needs to happen before any couples therapy or affair coaching begins.
Being a betrayed spouse myself......I could never trust my unfaithful (twice) ex-wife again. If they feel adultery is OK for them to do once or twice it is NOT erased by any amount of guilt or shame....... The affair partners deserve each other. In most cases the betrayed spouse was not giving something needed in the marriage but is never the reason their spouse had an affair. That was solely their decision.
I understand your perpestive
The BS can always forgive, but they almost never forget. The cheater doesn't realize, or understand, the hurt that the BS goes through to hang on to what's left of the marriage.
Got out of emotional affair from married man after 1 year. I learned a lot! I was not healed therefore was drawn to an unavailable man. I am worth more than that. Everyone deserves better! 🌿🌸☀️💕
Amen!! Happy you are growing!
@@staceychenevert thank you Stacey 🌻🌹🌱☀️😊
@@emilytaylor1001 welcome 💓
You caused a lot of pain to the betrayed spouse! You are immoral .
You said it....the foundation is not solid. It will never be bc, an affair is only built on lies and deception.
True
@@johnwalsh518I am not sure about the god, devil, angels part, but you are right. The wife will do everything to stay in the marriage (giving false hope, being attentive, ...) until she is sure, that the new guy will take her.
I agree. This is exactly how I feel about it and the conclusion that ultimately came to. The conclusion that made me realize that this wasn’t something that I truly wanted, if it couldn’t be gone about in the right way. Aka I knew it wasn’t going to work, mostly for those reasons.
I truly appreciate your advice because you personally experienced a couple of affairs and KNOW first hand the process of one. This has helped me understand what my soon to be ex-husband may be currently experiencing with his affair partner (I do not know if they are still together anymore). I really appreciate the part where you said both parties soon realize they are still left with poor coping skills.
Thank you 💕 I pray you find happiness 😊
I get all of this now but at the time i wasn't aware of Limerence. I still have PTSD 23 years later. Very painful moment in my life when i learned the mother of my children was tossing us aside. I did take her back and love her more than ever but the movie loop of event's running in my head still hurts.
I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this. The memories can be painful. When they reappear try to focus on the present. I'm happy yall were able to reconcile.
Good morning, I like to ask you questions because I respect the way you are open and honest, even on the hard questions, so my question to you. Do you think the driving force behind your affair is because your AP made you feel important and significant, and your husband was making you feel unimportant and insignificant? Is that the %20 you felt were missing from your marriage?
Expectations is a big one- because after all, they left their family for that person. They better measure up, right? And when they don’t, that’s when the resentment starts.
Yes absolutely
@Eremias Ranwolf
May I ask, how are you dealing with it now?
I'm currently going through the same thing
Most times, they will never leave their family... but they still have the audacity to put high demands on their affair partner. They see nothing wrong with the fact that they only think of themselves. They want to hold on to the marriage AND hold on to the affair. They feel entitled to have both.
I had an affair ten years ago. Marriage stayed together.
But it does still get brought up (by her of course).
So if you plan on reconciling, just know that the scar will always be there. Some people probably forgive differently (with more grace and kindness than others). But If they dont- just get ready for possible conversations many years down the road. Sometimes even condemning ones. Strength on personally healing and identity of who and how you are now are critical- otherwise you’ll let the hurtful words years later hurt you and you’ll find yourself in the same spot entertaining emotional support etc from another again.
Hi Justin I'm so sorry to hear you are still battling judgment. The betrayed can get stuck in recovery just like we can. And a sign they are stuck is when years later it's still a sore spot. My husband works with the betrayed to help them heal and completely let go of the pain. Ypu can find his info on my website. However to truly protect yourself learning to heal your attachment style is the first step to preventing future affairs.
@@staceychenevert thank you Stacey that is good insight. You’re definitely right
@@Jus10-born2Run welcome
The 1st requirement to have an affair is to have the ability to live a double life and the ability to deceive others in an effective manner.
Yeah. James Bond would be great!!
What does it say about a person who has both?
That he would be a great secret agent@@followyourpassion8378
Requirement? Sounds like an impairment.
Wow I love your honesty and transparency ❤
Thank you
Very well done. Thank u. My wife is cheating for 3 years. U gave me some insight. Ive been out of house for 2 months. Ive noticed she doesnt seem to b going his direction as much. U explained a lot
You are welcome
Her affair partner doesn't want the responsibility of dealing with her day-to-day. He just wanted fun and now it's complicated.
Same here, they can fart together now 🙂
Excellent video!! 🤗
Thank you
Thank you for being so open and Honest about your personal experience. I too had an affair. It was exciting and wonderful and I was in limerence. But it Always ends, in the end you hurt yourself and so many people you love. 💕
Welcome 🤗 and you are right it all ends in pain.
Thank you for this....was husband was the unfaithful but this gives a lot of clarity
Welcome 💕
My narc made me sooooo tired. I actually say… thank yu mistress.
He will make the mistress tired as well
How do you help wives who feel attraction after 3 years to their Affair Partner after not fully engaging the affair after ending it? For Context : they have a baby to together and see and speak to one another
It takes a really strong woman to do what you do!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!❤️
Awe thank you , love you too 😘
Ummm she cheated 2x, didn't she? I'm not seeing strength in that
@@ST-cy6weThe strength she is talking about is that she overcame that behavior and is helping others to overcome this as well. Not to mention having to deal with ignorant comments such as yours.
@@dru1581👏👏👏
I 2nd this👏It’d be much easier to hide in shame in the shadows & that wouldn’t help anyone else or her.
What are you talking about? She’s a home wrecking narc.
Thank you for sharing! Affairs are not created by GOD!
Welcome
Hi Stacey! OMG... Im in tears right now... Do you think if the male spouse discovers the limerence affair of their wife, does it have the same results? Will the wife who cheated will realize her mistake and break up with her limerence object?
Hi, yes most affairs end, regardless of the spouse finding out.
@@staceychenevert thanks! I really needed that... Im already losing hope upon learning that limerance is so powerful... She just dumped me less than 2 weeks ago because i was able to hack her fb messenger... Maybe God also showed me the way to the truth thru my gut feel. Again, thank you!
@@ruilotz welcome, God always reveals truth
What can you do if you are cheated on all because my partner liked his looks and other assets that cannot be changed as I have the looks and body that God gave me to grow up with so how can I win over guys who are blessed with a better body,and facial looks than I have?
You always want to be yourself, don't change for people. God will send you the person that is right for you. If someone leaves you for shallow reasons like looks then they would never be in it with you for the long haul. Their exit was your protection.
Stacy
My wife had an affair, I found out and she moved out to be with the ap.
How long does the affair last when the two spouses aren't together?
This shit sucks man
It’s going to look different for everyone. But these types of relationships go through phases and usually when it’s in the deterioration phase, that’s when one or both parties tend to wake up and realize that what they’re doing is wrong & not what they truly want.
My AP husband found out and she still wants to get out of the marriage and maintain a relationship with me. I asked her why did she want to still pursue this with me?She stated that she doesn’t love nor respect her husband anymore. However, her husband is keeping her hostage by controlling all the finances, which is making it impossible for her to leave she claims. I think financial and domestic violence is not talked about enough in mainstream society as a pertains to marriages.
I agree
Can't she get a job and rent an apartment or a room? No need to put up with abuse, ever.
Some affairs do last. I have witnessed this a few times.
Yes they do, but if you don't heal your core wounds most likely you will have another affair. Also only 2 percent of affair couples make it to marriage with only a 30 percent survival rate. It's not worth it in the end.
Mine 's is 40 years ago and I still remind my cheating husband about his affair like it was yesyerday.
Oh wow, that's not the way to have a fulfilling marriage after infidelity. You cant move forward if always are reminded of the past.
My affair partner got caught by his wife. Is he gone forever? All he said to me was he was dealing with stuff at home and that we shouldn’t talk right now.
Its possible but once the breakup occurs the affair is never the same again. And they usually decide to go back to their spouse.
I know we can’t be together now . He love his kids and his wife and he just don’t show it but inside his heart he knows he does care for his wife . He knows too that his wife is his soulmate . Even ,sometimes they didn’t understand each other or they are having arguments still they will be ok again . That’s is why I will not interfere in his life anymore . I love him and it’s already ok knowing that he loves me too . I only wish that in our next life our destiny will cross again and it will get better than now . And even how many times I die and live I’m still looking forward to meet him .I never regret meeting him but it’s until here and nothing more . I will not make his life hard anymore .
That is an awesome decision to walk away.
What about when the Cheating spouse leave you for her but you didn’t know right then they were cheating ? Found out 4 weeks later. Still living there and our adult children know to. They also work together. She is a poacher . Goes after married men. He is her 3 one so far. How likely are they to stay together?
The odds ate aganist them so they are not likely to stay together.
Darn, your husband turned out to be an easy target. Don't beat yourself up too much. Sometimes, our relationship falls apart while we're busy trying to keep it together.
Getting them back on track might be impossible if the entire train derailed, as opposed to hitting an obstruction. Going to a councilor is always beneficial in helping you .
According to the closed captioning, you've been "playing ketchup."
🤣🤣🤣
Just looking for some clarification. Around the 15-16 min mark it sounded like you said you are currently married to your affair partner from your first marriage. Did I misunderstand you?
I am married to my first affair partner.
@@staceychenevert Lol then why are you telling people not to do it????
Because affairs are destructive and if God would not have saved my marriage we wouldnt be together. Its not worth the pain@AlexVNL
@@staceychenevert I am agnostic, so I am not sure about "god" but why would god save a marriage that started with adultery basically. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Good for you it worked out though. Anyway not that I am recommending people having affairs...
Would you say a power struggle last ten years? My wife roller coaster lasted that long
Omg! How did u deal with all that drama! It’s been 3 years my partner cheated on me and I couldn’t skip a day thinking of all that shits he did!
Please convince me that the person that commits adultery,on there spouse is suffering! That's BS,maybe the person that breaks that trust should have considered there spouse before breaking there heart and destroying the family.
Affairs do last .. my ex left me , divorced me and married his affair partner . They have been together for 8 years now
Yes some do but the percentage is very low. But statically 2 percent of affair couples do marry.
Yes it’s a low percentage and unfortunately that’s my case .. it destroyed a 40 year marriage, our family .. the other woman knew all along he was married and she didn’t care that she was in the middle of someone’s marriage. I could never do that to another woman, help destroy a woman’s life .. I’m not bitter , I was a faithful wife , I forgave and tried to save our marriage.
@oambitiousone7100 affair marriages don't last because we bring our unhealthy coping skills into the marriage. Midlife crisis is not the reason it triggered your attachment wounds which produced unhealthy coping behavior.
My ex father-in-law was married to his AP for 12 years then divorced her. Lasting a lifetime is a different story
there's still more years to go by 8years is still new
How d I get hold of u
Hi, I have a link in the description box below where you can sign up for a chat.
So you have cheated in every marriage you were in??? Etf
I can see the light in your eyes when you talk about your AP. I don’t think you are healed.
Do you really think you can look at someone's eyes and tell if they are healed are not? The fact that I can talk about my affair everyday is a way that proves I'm healed.
Hang on. You’re married to your first adultery?
The same fade happens in ALL relationships. Especially marriages.
You are right. It is the same mechanism. Being in love. It is said that an affair intensifies those feelings. I would say, limerence is the same intensity, no matter if the LO and you are single or in a (different) relationship. For limerence to occur, there needs to be the aspect of uncertainty, which can easily be present in two singles. E.g. you meet her and she is about to go to another country to get a a degree.
Ive only seen your video that you told everything about your cheating ways. Your something. You blame everybody and e eey thing except you... Your tad self centerd.there was no place to write. Comments closed.so, im listing to Came acrossed this ideo.,
I don't believe in Satan. Outta here.
ok
Affairs dont last because both people are liars. Hes telling you anything to get sex and you are telling him how neglected you are. Both lies.
Of course