Ep. 14 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- čas přidán 11. 09. 2024
- Today, on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer talk about what they’re thankful for. After Tom’s “Toast” video with Sam Adams dropped, it got the Bears to thinking about what they should give thanks for this holiday season. We get a sample of Bert’s award winning impressions, interactions with alcoholics and some wild stories about “apologies.”
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Bert: I don't thing I've wronged anyone.
Literally has a story about robbing an entire train
That was ok because he learned how to say bread in Russian
@@Beunibster right it was a learning experience
It's okay, he robbed himself too
@@Beunibster Sil! Cheese!
Fuck them that was Russia lol
I'm convinced 50% of this show is Bert saying something insane while Tom looks to camera to see if anyone else is hearing this shit lol
The other 50% is a cartoon villain cackling the background
“When you drink like I do, you run into a lot of alcoholics.” -Bert Kreischer
😬
Bert and Tom are like girls who live together. They are on the same cycle with their specials and touring. Theyve synced up.
Ha ha I can just see them on a bad period day sitting on a couch cross-legged in pajamas pants eating a huge thing of ice cream crying and watching the notebook
Who synced to who? (who is the dominant?)
Austin Jones Tom is clearly the dom here. Bert has to be constantly reassured that he has friends.
They should do a new season of Fear Factor w/ Joe hosting, & Bert, Tom, and Ari as the only contestants for every episode.
That would be great but Fear Factor has already been rebooted, Ludacris is the host. But they should definitely do a spoof
Nicholas Dumont This would be the best thing ever
I literally LOVE this idea ..f in genius
😂😂😂
GENIUS
Every cut to Johnny Deep he’s buying a different scarf.
While fucking a different model that is hotter than his ex-wife. (or secretly importing small dogs into Australia)
That is a legitimately the funniest suggestion.
I would watch that movie in a heartbeat holy shit
And filmed like Curb your enthusiasm.
Blake Stallings or a new bracelet. That man has a lot of accessories
Bert reading an ad for knives after Tom’s dance video is poetic justice.
Tom's look of shame as bert sounds like a robot reading
He sounds like he's almost always out of breath
Tom: I’ve been cooking like a black guy for like 47 years
I've been flying helicopters for like 37 years lol
Lmaoo the callback king 😂😂
This pod crept up on me and now is 100% my favourite one. I legit must watch immediately.
M H Same here. Anything else can wait
You're def not alone. I look forward to it every other Monday. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me. It was nice to have them weekly in October, and I wish they went a little longer each episode if they stick with twice a month. But I laugh harder at 2B1C than I do at almost any other cast.
You can just tell that these guys are real friends and they enjoy being together on or off the mic. I can totally see them having very similar conversations without anyone else listening, kinda like Bert said in this ep.
I totally think there is an audience for a weekly or more show, but at the same time it makes each ep better after having to wait (kinda like Disney+ making us wait a week at a time for The Mando).
@@gonzodelphiki2083 I couldnt agree more, I enjoy the anticipation!
Bert is making it too obvious now. The lightning bolt on the hat is clearly SS
no it isnt you fool
Flygirl Firefly oh I must’ve been mistaken.
TheSuperstoner4200 too stoned to detect a joke?
TheSuperstoner4200 you must not know what he’s talking about you fuckin tool
@TheSuperstoner4200 oh, so you are a nazi?
Bert has a constant inner monologue telling him hes not an alcoholic
"It's not that bad,not that bad,that's okay,right??....I'm fine...."
most alcoholics do. lol
I mean vodka looks like water and is a russian word for 'little water' so that means Bert is the true water champ
& telling him that he's a good person.
100% he's in total denial. And all of his friends, except for Drew, THE DOCTOR, are enabling the hell out of him.
Bert: "Is this blood?"
Tom: _sweats profusely_
WHERE ARE THE BODIES, TOM?
He never answered!
I want that Johnny Depp movie to happen so bad 😂
What’s your tik tok
@@nobodymr2146 bahahhaa
It sounds fucking awesome!
Same
Its a really good idea tbh
Bert: Drew says I'm not an alcoholic
Drew: Oh, he 100% has fatty liver disease from being an alcoholic.
"looks like the opening to a gay porn i'd sit through"
These two really are best friends. Only best friends can joke like this and it still almost seem wholesome lmao.
joke? did you really lmao at them?
@@gippycuntbhg4435 not figuratively ofc, but i laughed pretty hard. hard enough i felt the need to express it with a "lmao".
Never stop laughing background guys. 😂😂😂
I know. It sounds like a cartoon villain is in the next room
Tom having Bert do "impressions" is just adding to Tom's deep fake library to glean from.
Joshua Bees you can see his schemes on his face when Bert’s doin them lmao
If you look close enough you can even see all the strings above Bert being pulled controlling his every motion
@@metalligeek093 I know, right?! Tom keeps glancing at the camera as if to say, "I'm getting all this. Are you getting this?"
I know Bert doesn't see that lmao 😂
Joshua Bees i think this whole podcast is just a way for tom to capture all of berts data. and then having him switch sides. now theyre getting the more side angles sitting face to face. lol
I'm glad you brought up "This is Not Happening." That was the first time I'd watched Tom. So hilarious!
The moment Tommy buns started laughing at Bert ad read, made me fall from the chair 😂
I like when Bert explains that he's a functioning alcoholic without saying he's an alcoholic.
When Bert's reading it looks like he's closing his eyes to make a wish.
I thought he didn't know how to spell Cave for a second during that ad read
He was wishing, that he wasnt reading.
His wish was to learn how to really read
I believe Bill Burr's wife, The Lovely Nia is teaching them both to read along with their toddler. read
Doing his "Racist Asian" impression for the Ad............
Ari "He may be a bad person, but he's a good guy" Shaffir
Sara Marie Wheeler honestly describes him perfectly
@@Dud3itsj3ff nah
He’s a garbage person.
We need to get that medicine ball shower crying scene into the Johnny Depp movie
Absolutely
bert needs to get stabbed in the film too
@@rafaeltiano How about in every city, he gets stabbed by somebody else for different reasons 😁
I don’t know who that guy is in the background who’s always laughing but I find it hilarious for some reason.
Love the new Wild Bear clips at the intro! ❤️😂🐻
1:12:40 - Onward. One of the most genuine conversations I've heard in a while. Damn, I love this show!
Bert still doesnt know that hat is a grateful dead hat... nobody tell him
J C came to say berts a dead head? Lol but I know he likes wsp...but that makes more sense hahah
J C nah man it’s half a nazi SS
@@booognish oh shiiit, bert likes the hat because its the closest he can get to wearing actually nazi stuff... what a fucking piece of shit
That’s the first thing I noticed , lol. Keep on Truckin’ Bert
Bert takes MDMA one time and becomes a deadhead ffs
Young Bert looks like Doug Stanhope with an extra chromosome.
Young Stanhope looked pretty fucked up himself
One day bert is going to come home to a naked stalker in his bath tub. I mean swimming pool. 😂
That is hilarious!!
That Sam Adams beer must be bad if Bert doesn't even want to drink it
This pod cast makes me laugh more then anything I have ever saw on the web. They actually give great advice. Its literally therapy
The idea of Sebastian as the voice of an animated animal is superb. He’d kill.
Bert: I'm one of the most vindictive human beings alive.
Tom's eyes: You got that clip, right?
Why does Burt look like he was stung by 1000 bees
That hangover tho
Cause he got hungry and ate the honey out of a bee hive
sober october is over
The bee's name is Tito
Poor diet and alcohol
"I mean, I love seeing people get hurt"
-Serial Killer Tom Segura
This whole episode is just Bert trying to convince himself he's not an alcoholic.
Orenthal Simpson isn’t that every episode
@@colemcwilliams95 dammit you beat me to the joke. GG
It's actually getting hard to watch for me :/
That's Burnts daily deal trying convince himself and people who dont know who he is hes not an alky
@@jmart1079 it is getting hard to watch. other addicts see right through it
At 15:08 tom and berts head align perfectly
Tom "I cook like a black guy" Segura
Please someone clip this
1:13:40 "So after you're done, theres this huge flood of emotions"
Tom: "what's emotions. Is it a type of bourbon?"
"186lbs..... I'll be down there in December"
Mmmkay👍
Ivor Christiansen he only has 186lbs to go
Lol same reaction....
Watching this episode again and I’m in shock. Bert actually is convinced that Hannah stocking is a funny person. A piece of me just died inside
Tbh. It just seemed like he was just trying to be positive and not talk shit.
Your daughter is smart, Bert. Ari did what he did, from my perspective, because he THOUGHT you were weak. Then this October thing came up and it turned out that not only are you not weak, but you’re stronger than him. So he had to sabotage it.
When someone tells you they’re a scumbag, believe them.
These episodes are far less offensive than the early ones, I'm offended
Fuzz Guts Recordings it’s because they’re facing each other. When they were facing forward it put a veil between the humanity of it.
that's what happens when you get 5 minutes worth of sponsors. they be like "hey maybe don't be racist or we're gonna cut funding" and Bert has no choice but to begrudgingly accept
Man, Bert really let himself go since appearing in that Segura dance video.
I know right? He looked much healthier then.
Surviving a brutal stabbing like that changes a man. Haunts him. We are watching the fallout from that fateful day.
God damn, bert is so fucking fat.
@@ericshuty2564 he just appears a drawn, empty husk of the (admittedly racist) man he was before the attack. Except the facial bloating of course, appears to be reacting to a peanut allergy?
DJ DadMouth planning to prank Burnt again, the tech he is going to employ would, 5 years ago have cost a studio millions. These guys are giving extra pleasure beyond their comedy shows and apart from Berts racism, I love it!
Hahaha
I mean Hannah stockings not funny, but Bert wants her to like him lol
Bert doing impressions, only to find out that will be the audio dubbed into Tom's next video.
It's just to easy
it's crazy how many comments I've seen that spelled “too” incorrectly... it's baffling.
Terry Bird This is why no one likes you at parties.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Well, stop drinking, Bart.
Bert: I don't apologize to anyone.
Also Bert: Leeanne dumped me and I apologized to everyone.
It's so crazy how little self-awareness he has 😂
@@Christopher-md7tf show a lil self awareness - Burnt Greeseler
I love how Bert’s snorting sleep apnea makes its way into the waking world from time to time.
Petition to also crowd fund the animated show “Sebastian and His Parrot”
"Sebastian and Pasquale"
pablo escavez I like where this is going
@@Kbwintyy the parrot has arie shaffir nose instead of a beak
songs for the deaf. Lol
Do I sign here or
Bert literally describes himself as a functioning alcoholic.
Better that than a non functioning sober person
Look at his career , he is a functioning alcoholic
Be a great title for a special
EZrider yes but he keeps saying he isn’t an alcoholic which is the denial part
The last time I was this early, Bert wasn’t fat
don't lie! bert's never not been fat.
@@kapten-awesome I think that was his point, he has never been this early, just like Bert has never not been fat
Yeah so that means never.
Like... in 2001?
@@erdnasiul87 Van Wilder days?
The level of conversation they have has made this my favorite podcast.. so thankful fellas
I'M HAVING CHEST PAIN!!!
HURRY EAT A BURGER!!!
I can hear this hahaha
CLAP ON, CLAP OFF!!!
Everyone needs a friend like Bert! And everyone needs a friendship with someone like Bert and Tom have...love you guys. Hope ya'll have a Merry Christmas
please make this a weekly podcast i love tum saguntra and bort chrystler
dont tell Burnt Chrysler his movie idea is called,Get him to the greek mixed w tommy boy
I can’t believe this is the 14th episode already.
“I make omelets like a black man” Tom Segura
Bert going on about alcoholics as if he isn't one lol
Suggested title for Berts movie: Tears and Bloating in Las Vegas 😢 🍸
Cant believe Bert comes out in this episode 🙀🍆
7:20 start
Bring back the old set up! It’s so much better to see you guys in one shot rather than these adhd screen cuts
The switching back-and-forth every time they speak is terrible.
Really wish they'd use the old set-up, wide shot.
The old setup was thrown out. This is the set for 2 other podcasts. It’s not coming back.
In the movie, Tom absolutely has to get kidnapped in Louisiana when you two have to get a voodoo doll for Johnny
with Theo Von to the rescue... and not happy about it
This is amazing I wish it would happen
Maybe a stop in Boston giving reference 2 Whitey Bulger movie
VideoNozoki that’s actually funny.
If Saatva really had 5 star mattresses, they would have made Tom's dream bed from Disgraceful already
This
1: Hands down this has become my number 1 podcast.
2: Tom & Bert movie NEEDS to happen.
Johnny Depp roadtrip movie starring Tommy Buns and Burnt Chrysler... Please mommys do everything you can to make this one happen.
I really appreciate this episode from dealing with addiction and coming to reality of acceptance... yall really hit me with strength of keeping up with my sobriety and how I deal with people I dealt with from my past. Thank you Bert and Tom.
I just got immediately happy when i saw this in my subs.
Bert acting like a new Cutco employee who wasn't had the full sales memo yet.
😂
Bert and Tom in a 2020 version of Tommy boy/the hangover sounds amazing
It's nice of Tom to let Margaret Cho sit in on this episode, I didn't even miss Bert
Tommy M she’s really let herself go
*Grab your box of Uncrustables and your copy of Mein Kampf - It's 2 Bears 1 Cave Time!*
The way he looks at the camera when he says I love watching people get hurt
10:05
😅😅
Curt's old voice is basically a perfect Kermit and I love it.
The crew in the back laughing always gets me hahaha it's hilarious
Hahahahaha burnt has a “John Mayer” hat. Great job burnt Chrysler... 👏👏👏
God Bless you both in the Name of Jesus Christ, you are an example of how to treat your brother as yourself. A joyful thing to hear when someone is grateful for all things the Lord has done for them.
You don't need a racist parrot trainer, just have it live with Burt
You need to get Kevin Smith to direct your movie, he knows all about self funded movies. He also knows Johnny Depp.
"I'm obessed with" insert 50 things an episode kriescher
Your obsessed to inserting things in bert?
Bert: is this blood?
Moment of silence
Off screen: Nope
Back to conversation 🤣🤣
"German kids who love death metal, and then they come here and see what a kid from Iowa is like and they say that's not what we thought we were looking for."
Is that a Slipknot reference? lmfao
@@benjaminubben4436 I'm a Michigander so I know about that scene pretty well! Just seemed like an oddly specific comment Bert made though haha
He 100% only knows of Slipknot. Especially funny since Florida was number 1 in Death Metal when Bert was growing up.
Kevin Smith did exactly this with the movie Tusk. He and Scott Mosier came up with it on their podcast, asked fans about it, then made it.
"Who are some actors you want to do a scene with?" Idk Christy Mack, Kendra Lust, maybe a couple more
The guys laughing in the back make things even funnier
I’ve never laughed at a Hannah Stocking video
Ryan Anderson I unfortunately checked one out to see who the hell he kept talking about....dude is just trying to hustle CZcams views up. He’s hustling.
Ok in every episode I love your friendship but listening to you guys talk business and the genuine affection you seem to have - I really enjoy. Already love both your stand up but this is just extra niceness
Tito's future slogan: WE'RE GETTN BERT KREISCHER DRUNK TONIGHT!! uncrustables all around!!
Tom’s face at 1:14:27 . Dude is probably realizing even more how much it means to Bert that they’re both successful and that beet told him he’s one of the funniest people in the world
Actor "B" would be Danny McBride
Tom lowkey roasting Bert about doing a story from his material on this is not happening and Bert not even acknowledging it is a whole ass mood.
I'm so early it only took 2 strokes and half a bottle of Benadryl
Caleb Snider lower & loosen those jeans! 🚨
Man, the more I see these podcasts and see how Bert actually is when he calms down, like around the 1 hour mark, really makes me appreciate him and Tom. Both seem like genuine guys and good people.
When you get the stuff to Depp's house, he puts on a shelf with duplicates of all the stuff you collected for him, meaning it was a test or just a goof.
Nah, he has a pile of cocaine he just adds the brick to...feeds the snake to the wolf, the wolf jumps with him into the caddy, then jumps out as he spins out and wrecks it...and summarily dismisses all the other items.
Cut to bert and tom...horrified after the nonsense they'd been through.
But then...its not all bad...because they and will Ferrell (who's at the party) strike up a conversation and become friends...which was their dream all along....
Cut to the two dudes jumping in the air and missing a high 5. (Maybe burt in his dance attire and tom in his as they fail5?) Freezeframe. Credits. Lolol
Toms friend thinking he was a singer just made my fucking day lol the idea that he thought that album cover was serious is killing me
I imagine Tom makes the laughing guy bring in his nana, or someone close to them, then he puts nana in a separate room where someone has a gun to her head. If that laughing person doesn't laugh uncontrollably, even if something isn't funny, then nana fucking gets it.
@Taylor FuckYou probably a couple periods
Looks like you guys have a couple periods. My girlfriend drinks cranberry juice when she's on her period. Drink up. Soowoo!
@Taylor FuckYou Right!? I know reading can be hard, man. Maybe try sounding it out?
Taylor FuckYou When all else fails, hit em with a “I know you are, but what am I”. I got nothin. Well done, sir!
@@22thevoice22 is that a departed reference?
Bert's denial about being an alcoholic is insane.
Not really. If he admitts it means he needs to stop.
There are levels of alcoholism. He's just walkin' the tightrope.
Do you know any alcoholics? The fact that he can talk candidly about his drinking and will take breaks definitely makes it murky if he is an actual alcoholic.
@@nicholasmaniccia1005 Just means he's not, like, a raging dysfunctional alcoholic. He's definitely an alcoholic.
@@nicholasmaniccia1005 He's definitely an alcoholic and the only way he's "functional" is the success he's has. Remember he's been getting utterly wasted and shitting in pizza boxes and pissing on dinner tables since he was a teenager and proud of it. Then his first few months being a comedian he gets a deal with Will Smith and a first date with Will! He hasn't had to really struggle (aside from his dad dressing him down on his 26th birthday). Even when he hasn't been a huge comic, he was making a ton from all the tv shows. Good guy, but 100% alcoholic. Been justifying it for years like, "i need to drink on an airplane" then he realized that wasnt true.
I can't remember the last time I bought a movie. I would buy this movie in a heart beat.
Dr Octogonapus why??? Sounds like garbage
@@ilirsvenfrancous9011 You probably think Epstein killed himself too.
This is my favorite podcast now haha I look forward to it every week