10 Unhelpful Life Lessons You Need To Unlearn Now
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- čas přidán 31. 05. 2024
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We all have thoughts, ideas and beliefs that we have learned throughout our lives that are now holding us back, and keeping us stuck and struggling in our lives. In this talk I teach you what 10 of these lessons are, and how to start unlearning them now so you can feel happier in your life and have more rich and rewarding relationships with both yourself and others everyday.
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03:27
1. Reject your Success (humility does not mean self rejection)
2. Your Past does not define you.
3. Your Failures do not define you. (Balance with your successes)
4. You don't always have to be positive and happy (all emotions are himan emotions -- don't get stuck but acknowledge negative feelings)
5. Our worth can ONLY come from accomplishment and productivity. (Just being in our humanity is good.)
6. Taking Responsibility is the same as Self Blame/Shame (Taking responsibility for mistakes means I am a Mistake. Overblaming self is avoiding responsibility. This is very wrong)
7. Over apologized for things that are not your fault
8. Labels given in childhood do not still apply. (Not worthy, too much sensitivity, ambition etc. Not who you were then and not who u are now👍 YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE NOW.)
9. You are NOT responsible for other people's happiness/well-being.
Other people are not responsible for our happiness.
10. Boundaries are crucial - get her 25 Ways to say No -- she offers it for free.
Thanks for breaking this down.
Thank you so much. You are a great life coach and mentor. I am grateful I am one of your trainees through this channel.
Thank you Julia I’m so glad I found you on U tube!
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter here!
Great reminders! I think the 5th one I am working on. I think I have gotten better at not allowing external things to make me feel worthy.
Here are my notes:
1. You need to downplay or hide or reject your success.
2. Our past defines us.
3. Is our mistakes define us.
4. That we always need to be happy and positive.
5. Is our worth only comes from what we can produce or accomplish.
6. Is taking responsibility is the same as self-blame or self-shame.
7. The labels that we were given as children were true then and are true now.
8. Your responsible for other people's happiness.
9. Other people are responsible for our happiness.
10. Boundaries mean that you are mean, selfish, difficult or rigid.
To those who are reading this, remember always that you are worthy and valued and yes, just as Julia said, because we were already born worthy! ❤❤
Hi everyone,
First of all, thank you so much for highlighting this tricky topic.
I'm going to be honest and telling you that I'm forcing myself to downplay my Engligh learning journey for a while.
I'm really into the English language and I've decided to dive into it on my own. But I keep for myself all my progress because I don't want to show up as an arrongant or boastful people.
So once again, thank you so much for talking about it.
We probably have to support to each other, i wish you the best for your lifes.
Take care
Am greatful for these lessons. Hope I will access them on TED talks too
Hi! Longtime lurker. Love the videos. They are so helpful to me. What struck me was I need to stop thinking that I can do all these things to make someone happy. I keep thinking if I just take over task X, cover errand Y, make thing Z easier, other people will be happy. Then I get frustrated they don't. They might appreciate it, but they don't seem to really be in a better mood. I have to let go of thinking I need to get a result. If I choose to do whatever, I do it because I want to, it's the right thing, etc, but not because I think I can truly impact another's mood or state of being.
“You make me feel…” is a belief I’ve had to overcome. I am not responsible for how someone reacts to or feels about my behavior. I’m learning to separate my behavior and talk, which I own 100%, for how you feel about it. For a long time, I looked for signals from others about whether I was doing ok, was good or smart, lovable, etc. but that meant I gave up control of my life to others. For example, If I hold a boundary by not participating in gossip, someone might say, “you think you’re better than me”. I’m not responsible if the person now feels judged or guilty. When someone says that to me now, I try to remember to ask, “What made you feel guilty (or bad, or belittled, or angry)?”
Hi Jane! So happy for you that you're changing your inner narrative! I struggle with those same guilt reactions and remind myself that other people's feelings are not within my authority. They could only be my responsibility if I had control of them (which I don't, no matter what they say). I also have to be careful that I don't project my emotional needs on others. The more I exercise authenticity, self-care, and positive self-talk, the more I feel taken care of by myself.
Great video. ❤ just subscribed to your channel yesterday. Almost teared up watching this video. Been in therapy since October last year, and learning how to feel my feelings.
Your videos help me understand myself and feel better. Thank you.😊
Thank you. You are an inspiration and beautiful in and out.
Very helpful Thanks Kristina Procrastination held me back but that doesn't mean I have to go on a full out attack Small moderate steps towards a positive goal and appreciation Rathar than all or nothing thinking and a non productive situation
Ahhhhhh, remembering that our helpfulness isn't always "helpful". I have to stop killing myself with involvement. Why why why do I do that?????
Thanks for the video :) I overapologize a lot unfortunately. Taking the blame for everything was an escape for me in a toxic environment, because with a narcissistic person every little mistake is a great opportunity to argue and blame others, and I thought I could "prevent" this, if I was the "bad one". I have to work on this, because in a healthier environment constantly apologizing doesn't make any sense.
I think we never express gratitude for individuals we never get to meet but impacts our life in the most unbelievable ways. Julia Kristina is one of them in my life. Grateful for you ❤
Always good for me touch base with you from time to time. Thank you for the guidance. You’re awesome.
Two minutes after I was born, I yawned. My mom labeled it a "yawn like 'look out I'm here to rule the world'". She has treated me like a dictator that she needs to protect the world from ever since. I am 47 years old and have never questioned this persona she projected onto me from her own internal issues until this year. Both my husband and my 24 year old son have told me this year, "You aren't this dictator person she tries to pretend you are and we've never seen you this light." That was a wake up.
My mom also will say, "I will always love you unconditionally. " It very clearly says, "You are not worthy of my love and attention but I will tolerate you in my life and do what I have to in order to prove I'm the better person."
Julia, what a masterful message and skillful exercise you provided here. You are so appreciated and clearly the type of giver that we need in these uncertain times. You are simply a light. God bless you and yours :-)
Very happy to hear this. your informations , videos are steps to reach out to a wonderful human being with a good personality. I am watching all of them. Very much useful advices. keep doing well 👌👍❤
God bless you, one of the few individuals who really positively impact my life and really help me think the right way and help me grow as a person I want to be, watching your videos just clears my head of unwanted thoughts and just reminds me of what's important, to care and love myself and to be strong, thank you for the amazing video
You are amazing! So helpful for life! Thank you!
Hello, Julia and all! Fellow helper here. Thanks for the work you do! I am discovering my counseling voice, so your work is very inspiring.
Thank you for the excellent topics, Julia! I agree that most of us struggle with feeling worthy just for being. We're taught from a young age that our merit lies it what we provide. It can make it super hard to learn how to value ourselves appropriately. My favorite exercise for increasing self-worth is one I heard from a therapist. I write down 3 things I'm grateful for about myself that day, read them in the morning, then add 3 more the next night. I've noticed my auto-play thoughts refer to the things I write when I try to get down on myself. They're like "Nope, remember, you're awesome." It's all about healthy, constructive self-criticism and balancing that with positive polarity. So many great points, thanks again!
Hello, John here. New shifter. I love this you tube content! It's how I was introduced to the Shift Society.
Julia, I absolutely love your lessons. I love listening to you. I hope you realize how much you are helping people!
Julia
I wanna thank you a lot
U really has changed my life ♥
@13:12 Oh my God! Thank you! I needed someone to say that to me so badly and I didn’t even realize it. I have constantly felt like I needed to produce more even if I didn’t have a clue what to do and I couldn’t get myself to unwind. You really are a blessing on CZcams. Also I would love to see a video on childhood shame. I suspect that would help many people out.
Thank you for your videos Julia !
I think the word you were looking for wasn’t ‘self’ it may have been ‘self effacing’?
Either way Julia, your messages are amazing and greatly appreciated.
Great work as always. 🙏 Thank you.
Love your content. I don't believe you can "unlearn" what you have experienced in your past. We can learn new understandings about ourselves and have new experiences!
This video was very helpful. Thanks Julia!
Thank you!
We live so much based on others(opinions, fears, wishes, options). It's so funny and sad at the same time to see that "our base" isn't ours truly.
We need to drop the word sorry from our vocabulary and use words and actions that show regret for our actions. Words are cheap. I am sorry is used by non empathetic toxic people to reset things and feel better for their constant actions that require them to be sorry.
Exactly i struggle alot with some of it as hsp and empath
I just thought I’d say thanks for all your videos…everything I’ve seen is great and I’ve shared several with my 4 daughters (ages 18-30) and they enjoy you too
Thank you for the work you do.
I would have apologised for drinking the coffee!
I would have cried 😭
I would have felt bad, but doing this work will help us not feel bad for things we didn't do wrong
You’re a beautiful person, Julia. Inside and out💞🍀☺️
Gratitude and Appreciation 💫
Thank you, Julia! Your videos are so helpful! 🥰
Yuuush! :3
Brilliant video!
Ex shifter. Loved this Julia. Also so real!!!
Feelings are information. Wow, that hit home.
Hi Julia,
In the past, you have briefly discussed “self-differentiation”. I would like to ask that you sometime perhaps do an entire video on self-differentiation - either on CZcams or in the Shift Society. In my family, there was always a lot of pressure to conform (my father was 46 years older than I was and had only gone through eighth grade and my mother was almost 40 years older than I was and both were extremely old-fashioned) so I think I really don’t even know who I am anymore from seemingly always feeling like I had to more or less apologize all the time for having my own opinions/dreams/wishes/preferences, etc. for the "greater good" of the family.
Happy Canada Day!
Good Video 👍
Both mistakes and successes are lessons.
Amen
Hi! Very helpful video. Thanks for keeping a good work and educating on mental/emotional skills.
Your story about the coffee resonated with me in a huge way! My brother and I don't get along well. The way your sister lit into you is so much like how my brother lights into me at the drop of a hat. Thank you for sharing your situation. It helps me frame my own situation in a better way.
Self-deprecating, modest
speaking of boundaries, maybe you already have videos about it, but what I feel like people really overlook when talking about boundaries is respecting other people's boundaries. that could be an interesting topic.
How am I just finding this?????
Hi Julia
Thanks for another well spoken, helpful, informative, Purrfact,🐾Pawesomews 😽💪😻 video❣️
Love yoUS💕 too!
My past dos not define me-
THIS is where I struggle!
I have tended to find myself in a mindset of "because I made soooo many mistakes and soooo many wrong choices and negatively affected soooo many people in my past and have been soooo far from any conception of 'perfect' that this is simply who I am and it can not be escaped."
I am doomed to repeat the cycle of my past failures and shortcomings.
It manifests itself in a plethora of "always' and 'never' statements. "I always f*ck up!" and "I'll never get anything right." which, logically, I know are lies. I know I have had successes- I have had tremendous successes in my life, I have great non-romantic relationships in my life, I have talents and skills and abilities that others appreciate, I get compliments often, people come to me for for my thoughts and opinions and input on a myriad of things. So, I know that I have been at a place of learning from my past and- at least in some noticeable measure- have a perspective which others find helpful and positives which others deem worthy of inclusion in their lives.
Andempirical
I have always believed all the horrible things my whole family said about me. I’m 36 and the last few years I realized I am sooo much more and I feel like I’m 21 again experiencing the world 🌎 as a real adult lol 😂 weird right
A rise in interest rates may mean both parents working extra hours and would it not stand to reason that children will develop childhood shame so it's a political issue to prevent that it doesn't all fall on the shoulders of therapist this is my opinion and I value your the time you give to this platform and the content thank you
We can’t please everyone 😮
Another Unhelpful lesson is that no one sees you for who are and not what they want from you, another is that someone else's opinion of me matters more than my own, you're too much to handle or not enough, I can't, you're only as good as your comparison, sharing.
😂 Shifter and getting there 🙏❤️
Hello
FANTASTIC HELP... I NEED TRAUMA HELP I SURIVED AND IM LIKE JEFF BRIDGERS COMERCIAL ANY HELP WITH PTSD AND TRAUMA FROM YOU AND I MAY BE XTRA BLESSED. KEEP UP THE GREAT HELPBRIAN KID KELLY
.... I was really distracted in the beginning of this video.... I have questions. I think I'm OCD/ADD. I'm a quarter way through it, I think I'm going to have to watch it twice.
Unlearning is ^$^#*& hard!
16:00 - Such a coffee story is HORRIBBLE!
Whether they actually drink said coffee or not, it is a Nightmare which can ruin your entire day.
Why did you pour out my coffee? Because the cup was cold and you were not drinking it. The entire house became a deafening whirlwind because of this.
Next day, the same cup was half full and cold. It would have been another whirlwind. I thought better.
Your worth is not determined by how much you produce, rather because you were born. Imagine teaching this in school
Wow, your sis...wow. SHE wanted a second cup??? She can make it or go to Starbucks. I wouldn't be nearly as nice as you!
The submissive to female came from within me I thought I was the only one who thought about washing the bathtub across the street at the house were the airline stewardesses lived an I was only 11 or 12...I never got into bdsm just flat out obeying the female I'm still that way now..but it came from my own thoughts at 11 or 12 an stayed with me till present day
Self-effacing?
Self deprecation
Self deprecating.
About your first point, you do realise that publicising your success only attracts jealousy and hatred right? People only pretend to idolise you until they become better than you.
“Our mistakes define us”… you are GREAT Julia 🫵🏽