Are Close Connections Difficult for You?
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- čas přidán 10. 09. 2024
- On today’s show, we hear about:
- A man unsure of how to navigate a friendship with his sister’s ex-husband
- A woman unable to form close, trusting relationships with other women
- A racially mixed adoptee struggling with her ethnic identity
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I was adopted but I have no desire to find any biological parents. I don’t know why but I am happy with how it is. I had a great childhood. I didn’t choose to be born but I am glad I was. This person sounds really angry. I hope that she finds peace. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of issues myself. I used to explain to people why I didn’t speak Spanish but then one woman said I don’t need to tell her my life story. So no I just speak to them in English before they can speak or I just say I don’t speak Spanish. If they ask where am I from I tell them New York. If they say no but where is your family from I say America. I truly don’t feel upset I feel happy with my life. It has not been easy at times .
Mary, your story is very much like my Dad's story. And my story. I don't blend anywhere in Arizona. I'm mixed. I don't speak Spanish. People often assume I do or that I should. I taught myself to say in Spanish to say kindnesses to people. Beautiful children...beautiful family...thank you for helping me...I don't know...Thank you for talking to me. My mom died before she could teach me to speak Spanish. Truth slays demons.
Thank you.
@sherryd.3425 I live in Arizona, originally from New York. I'm also mixed, I'm quarter Puerto Rican on my mom's side.
I have lived in the state off and on for 39 years now and I have always felt out of place while going to school. Not because of the bilingual aspect of what you mentioned, I don't have issues with speaking Spanish. It's not too often that I need to use that card, but it has shown to be very useful when I'm in a bind.
I would love to hear more mother daughter complicated relationship issues...i have that and it helps to hear other people talk about it and listen to helpful tips on how to make things better honestly
Ashley! Thank you for being brave and calling in. I have been there! Mostly from childhood bullying from girls but also lack of validation/affirmation from my parents in those moments of intense emotions. The fear is real but I've wanted to run from potential friendships but forcing myself to keep showing up has helped. Just today I was vulnerable at a gathering and one of the girls shared she was struggling with something similar. Boom! Connection.
If we jump we become human to others not the super human we all attempt to portray and that's where deep connection is born. You can do this!
Same
For Mary … I think yes, it may be good for you to stand up for yourself and tell others that are judging you… I was adopted and not raised in a Spanish speaking home or something like that. I think it’s perfectly okay for you to stand up to bullying. Think of a phrase that you can use every time and then use it and just walk away … literally if you can from those people. It’s a them problem not a you problem. They don’t get to put you down because you didn’t grow up speaking Spanish.
I have some friends whose parents were Mexican and they REFUSED to speak Spanish in the home because they didn’t want their kids picking up some negative things in the culture… so that was the parents way to do that … not the best way … but the option they thought was best at the time.
Maybe your birth mother wanted you to be separated from the negative things she experienced in her family life and wanted you to be removed from that.
I’m sorry you experience this from Spanish speaking people and feel a new rejection each time. I hope you can come to know and feel in your heart that it’s not you … it’s a them problem. 💕
I haven’t listened to the whole episode but I was adopted from Colombia and I am ALWAYS spoken to I Spanish because the majority of people where I live speak Spanish as their first language. I have finally gotten to the point where I am just like whatever but it took me a LONG time to get there…
Ashley! Dr D is right, you are a treasure who deserves friendship. You already know why you react the way you do. So many people will go to their grave never being self aware. All the relationships in your life will change when you take that next brave step.
Wishing you all the best 🙏
From here on out anytime someone rejects me I’m just going to go, “Maybe they have diarrhea.” Lol Problem solved
😂
TO THIS Ethnically confused call. I want to post this for you in case you see it and i pray you do. I’m mixed white and indigenous (mohawk)
I’m also swedish and scottish. I was raised heavily proud to be native. I don’t fully agree with how John handled this call, because it’s the same for me and I have a VERY healthy love for all my ancestry, and myself, but I have found same as you: When it comes to being white, I have always been wholly accepted, but when it comes to being indigenous, I have experienced endless amounts of bigotry for not being ‘native’ enough or being called a mixed blood. I have even experienced as I tried to get closer in adulthood, that I can’t be a part of the culture, because ‘you are a pseudo culture’
I wanted to offer some insights, because I doubt John hasexperienced the level of how constant this is and it does, over time, create a huge identity crisis when you are told you are NOT allowed to be who you actually ARE. To be denied a part of your own ancestry is so damaging and I suspect your location being California, land of the woke, doesn’t help this.
I wanted to offer some insights into this as I turn 40 because one thing I have going for me is for the first 30 years of my life, I was raised so far away from it that I was isolated from knowing this could or would be a reality when I tried to connect again. So I grew up with very solid and healthy perspectives in this regard and never even thought of myself as a mixed color or person until I was told that I wasn’t one or the other. Therefore, I was able to always feel WHOLE before ‘the messaging’ came down the pipe at me. My insights now are that CUT EVERYONE out of your life that doesn’t allow you to just be a person and who only sees you as one or the other. There is much racism and bigotry the other way around if you are mixed. What I want you to realize is this, it’s not YOU who has the problem - it just is what you are taking into yourself. Realize that it’s THEM who have the bigotry. You are PERFECT as you are (every shade is BEAUTIFUL) and as nature intended and I found a LOT of comfort in realizing others out there experience this too (there are a LOT of us) // I decided for myself that everytime I got closer to my actual roots I was discouraged, I was referred to only by my lighter color, but that when I was alone or with other parts of my ancestry (swedish/scottish) I was embraced. It doesn’t make you less of EITHER, just choose to know it’s not nor has it ever been you, but the beliefs and limited beliefs and fears of other people and how theyve been taught to view things. You are a unique color anyway, and being. Beyond cultures we are unique and individual as a flower or cloud anyway. Seek out acceptance and heal from people who have imposed this limited sad and bigoted system of non acceptance onto you. Sadly, this may include your family and friends, but it doesn’t make you wrong. It just puts your view into the minority. I can say for me I LOVE MYSELF and I HONOR MYSELF, and so I just had to override their views on me, I had to distance from it (regardless of how much I ached for those teachings) because I know I am beautiful and wonderful and sacred in all my lineages as I am and I was tired of being reduced to a color or lack of it. Also know this: Your ancestors know what’s what, and believe me, they are on your side. They know the truth and stand behind you. That gave me much strength to know I was accepted by them. Distance from anyone in life (as just general advice) that tries to tell you how to honor your ancestry and culture or that you aren’t allowed to it. they are a bunch of sad scrooges.
Thank you. No, I don't agree with everything John said but I'm glad I contacted him to get some insight. And I was really hoping to get feedback from people who can relate 😊
@@maryellenrech7821 Has any of the exercises John said to do help? I’ve loved doing the cinder block exercise and I really feel it works overtime so I’m wondering if it worked for you?
@@flashthecorgi2053 I have not tried it yet.
@@maryellenrech7821 I’m so glad you saw the comment! I send love to you! I’ve met about 3? others lately who’ve had same issues. Smaller group but we are out here. I hope others connect with you too.
@@AshleyLebedev 😁
I gotta say I am giving a presentation at a conference in 20 min and I feel a bit nervous. Hearing Mary’s conversation and the bit about other people not getting a say made me much more calm and relaxed. Great stuff
I think the first caller was right to keep distance with the ex-husband and maybe he realizes that the ex is not a good guy after all who goes to your ex family and throw fits like that.
I don't think I can even count on 1 hand any friend who had/ would stand in the fire nxt to me. I've always tried to be there for people just bc that's keeping in real but have found very few who carry the same values.
I've almost given up trusting anyone anymore. I've learned to never turn my back.
The search for the tribe seems redundant.
Ashley, I would start by reaching out to this friend....share with her what you shared with John and tell her _why._ open up~ that's the jump! You have nothing to loose! You are worth being friends with❤
The 16 min woman is having a hard time because her mom made her feel like she wasn't worthy so, she thinks the other women don't accept her. DBT can be very helpful with C-PTSD.
"Because I'm [ME/YOU] from [HERE] and my life is good." is such a great prompt. Made me chuckle but I love the truth in that simplicity. Love this whole video and I really resonate with having a narcissistic parent and being so close to taking that jump into trust. I hope everyone finds their strength and totally surrenders to it. Much love and blessings family
Talking about friends, I recently removed a friend from my life. Drugs decimated parts of my family and I confided some of what those people did to me. He was talking to me and in an off hand comment, told me he was using. He refused to take my advice. He's gone.
🤣🤣🤣 “… she may have diarrhea 💀💀💀💀”
John is the male version of me 😂😂😂 always talking about poo!
Ashley I don't need another superficial friend.
I don't want happy go lucky. I want real.
Real emotions, ideas, fumbles, mistakes. I flee from superficial.
Superficial people are not safe for me.
I wish you the best of luck.
Mary, I struggle same as you. My mom is white and my dads family is from Mexico. I take after my dad in appearance but my mom raised me as a single mother so I know less Spanish than most white people I went to high school with because I didn’t take to learning a new language quickly. It’s hard. People walk up to me and start speaking in Spanish and I feel ashamed. I get thru the interaction politely and say “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish, what was that?” And they often apologize back to me, say “that’s okay” and even “don’t be sorry”. I think sometimes they see my shame and want to make me feel better. But there are those folks who also say “why don’t you speak Spanish?” “You should learn! You need to know your language”. Never mind it’s the language of Spain who conquered indigenous cultures. Personally I learned a bit about my Mexican family’s INDIGENOUS roots, prior to conquest, and that has been freeing and given me roots. That’s my personal journey though. I hope you find your way. I accept you, and so does everyone else in our same shoes.
Looking forward to hearing the final call ❤️🙏
Really good calls!
I stayed in touch with the childhood family friend, after she broke up with my brother, who'd already bought the ring. I got flack from my sister's and I inew my brother had been devastated by it. But I understood that Choosing a spouse is hard, and she had valid reasons for choosing to walk away. (She has a genetic thing, making her unable to conceive. And we're a large family)
And I also hold to no secrets, except of a certain kind. I don't share any of my private conversations with my close friends. not really secrets, more like therapy sessions for each other.
Ashley, I love what you had to say! I'd totally be friends with you. There are other great women out there. You're awesome, girl! 🤗
Call, feedback with woman with Narc Mom really resonated with me, great advice, appreciate your channel, blessing for me🙏✌️
I'm so looking forward to the last call...my life.
Me too.
😊
Ashley, I have a feeling part of your problem is location. I'm saying this from experience. It may not be the entire issue, but it was a huge issue for me.
Keep trying though. You'll eventually find others like you. It's just going to take more time there.
Mary.. your call to dr john really got to me, I get it. While I'm not adopted or mixed race, I'm full blooded 4th generation Mexican American. My family hadn't spoken Spanish for 3 generations, yet I get asked ALL the time "why don't you speak spanish" my reply is always the same, I ask them what ethnicity are you? Response i.e I'm German. My response- "why don't you speak german". However, I find that it's my own kind (Mexicans) have the biggest issue with the fact that I don't speak "the language", I respond saying "I do, the language is English" it's called assimilation. At least that's what the norm and expectation was generations ago
Dr J.. love that you sing your responses! I'm not the only weird one 💚💚💚
Omg the second call is so me! Did not grow up with a narcissist mom though. 😢
Lucky you!
That last lady it has to be tough to not be able to identify with half of yourself.
YESSSSSSSS when I was 28 in an airport with my parents after having solo traveled like twice, having a MORE-grownup to find the right terminal was a real relief.
Got the cards and your book! Thanks for the discount:)
I can relate to Mary! So glad she called in.
Man, I really feel for Mary! I come from a mixed race family and my family really didn't get along with my extended family on either my mom's side or dad's because once we came to America we tried to fit in and become more American. I'm born and raised here so I always felt more American than anything else. My extended family made us feel like we are traitors lol 😂
Depends how kind people are
If my brother came to me and said he had to be friends with my ex-husband I would have to distance myself from my brother and family. That almost seems like unilateral advice that can't fit every situation
👍👍👍
Find some people who are in need and just show up.
John Delone, all the information you sit on color number to what happens if you can’t find anybody who wants to be your friend so you can jump
The third caller is absurd, what a waste of a life ruminating on such things
Hello from down under 🦘👋
Love your work twins 🥰