How to recognise your patterns - and escape them
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- čas přidán 4. 07. 2023
- We believe ourselves to be original at every turn while in fact we’re more commonly found rehearsing almost identical patterns in our choices and behaviors.
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FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: 9qq0.short.gy/QazafT
“It sounds odd to say that we might be locked within a story. What might this curious expression mean?
Chiefly that we keep unknowingly repeating dynamics that go in very particular - and not especially pleasant - directions. We’re involved in stories of defeat, humiliation, suffering, fear and loneliness, believing ourselves to be original at every turn while in fact rehearsing almost identical patterns in our choices and behaviours. And we probably do this in two areas above all: our working lives and our love lives…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Reflective Films
www.reflectivefilms.co.uk/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Graeme Probert
www.gpmotion.co.uk
Have you broken free from your own negative stories? If so, how? Join the discussion in the comments, and perhaps your story could inspire someone else with theirs.
yes! I think. not had a relationship in 15 years, but, coming to terms with the why and how of that 15 year period. I know myself quite well now, and its hard to explain how liberating of a feeling it is to know yourself in ways you didn't think possible.
I learned versatility, I became interested in wanting to make comics and manga recently, same with piano and humanitarian work but I always (due to my family being professionals on the field) meant for corporate. I didn't want to throw any of it away so I learned to find a way to up my skills and better use them together.
Now I'm applying on business school as I want to run my own animation studio someday :)
Ps: regarding relationships, the "I have no enemies" quote, really helps deal with stresses
Yes. I was in a toxic friendship for years. I had a subconscious feeling that I owed this person, because 25 years ago they were there for me when I needed a friend. I realized that my debt had been paid off, (years ago), and torturing myself continuously with this negative persons' personality was unnecessary. I broke free.
Forgiving my dad who shattered my heart to pieces when growing up 😔
Recommended books:
- Forgiveness Is a Choice
- Forgiving What You Can't Forget
- Book of Forgiving
If you experienced trauma please do some therapy/Inner Child work before even thinking about the above.
The only thing I have learned is forgiveness and my initial thoughts are generally correct.
The Channel has taught me more about life than my whole school life
*than 😊
@@F_ckAllTrumpVoters exactly. School still has something for you to learn. The huge difference in meaning between the words "then" and "than".
It could really screw up the message you're trying to convey using the wrong one.
@@johnnyt9405 true.
I agree with @Sandy_Boy for the most part.
This channel rules!
@@F_ckAllTrumpVoters yep, I agree with sandy boy as well. This channel is great and we all learn a lot from it. High fives ✋ and GL all around. Never stop being a lifelong learner 🥂
Sandy boy - agreed!
When I was at school my father always measured my outcomes comparing my grades with the ones of my schoolmates. An A+ was always less valuable if other people also get it. A B- was ok , if what everyone else got was C. I think this left me with the tendency to always look outside and compare to feel a sense of accomplishment, although I walked a long way to overcome this mentality, there are times that I still fall at this pattern.
@@erdelegy well, he is an university professor...
My mother was like this and I always take a tremendous amount of stress in my body to every test/job interview...
Thank you for sharing.
Same! My mother was like that which has turned me into an approval seeker now. I can't find peace and happiness in my accomplishments without validation from others. I know I'm enough and deserving in theory but can't feel it until someone shows me. Then the feeling wears off all over again. It's a never-ending cycle.
@@manubeckerme too
4:17 My god. This was a COLOSSAL EPIPHANY you just gave this 34 year old woman today. Wow. Thank you.
When I was younger, I was a chubby little girl. I ate to make up for the neglect of my parents. I was teased (by my own family and my peers), verbally tourtured, and often shamed for my physical appearance.
My 8th grade year I decided that I wanted to play basketball for the highschool team. I had played CYO for a couple years and enjoyed it. I was determined to make the team. My father told me that I had to lose weight to be any good. I dropped 60 pounds the summer of my 8th grade year. I ran hills with weights on my ankles, and jumped rope every morning. I swam daily, and ate cottage cheese and veggies, and drank a tremendous amount of water. I made Junior Varsity that year. I earned MVP of the team, and was brought up for the Varsity finals at the end of the season. I played Varsity basketball sophomore through senior year. I achieved my temporary goal, but implanted something more malevolent inside myself.
Nowadays, in my late 40's, I find myself having the inate urge to "drop weight" to feel accepted. I focus on this a lot, more than I should. After each of my 3 children I had to lose 60+ pounds that I gained due to carrying a child. I did it, and didn't feel accepted by my own husbamd until I did. Not that he ever said a word about my weight.
My insecurity of not being seen acceptable on the the outside, has made me obessively uncomfortable in my own skin.
I can relate to that 100 %. My own parents constantly belittled me, shamed me, and made snarky comments about my body shape/ weight/ clothing size for the first 50 years of my life, as well.
@@JillWhitcomb1966 I am sorry to hear that. I know how hurtful that feels. You are beautiful just the way you are. 💚
@@JillWhitcomb1966 Wait, is that not normal xD
Thank you to Alain and the entire school of Life team
This is wise, reasoned, profound, trenchant, insightful, intellectually and emotionally intelligent (the latter being more important), concise, brilliant, and otherwise excellent. It is also exceptionally well considered and presented. I am 59 and have been attempting to make sense of this topic for about 40 years. I essentially understand it at this point in my "Hero's Journey," but when I attempt to capture it in written words or attempt to communicate it to someone else in spoken words, I usually fail. This is the whole enchilada in one 4 to 5 minute bite. I appreciate this more than I can express adequately in mere words. Thank you. : )
I’m not a fan of the “hero’s journey”. It’s good for storytelling, (boy goes out into world, conquers, returns a winner; a man finally worthy), but doesn’t have any parallel to real life. A better analogy: you are in a small wooden boat, rowing to an island, but you understand the island is a shifting illusion. You know the sea can get rough, and may wreck your boat, but most likely, it will be trashed in a storm, you will recover, renew, and keep rowing, for the mere act of rowing. (The challenge and the effort is more important than the outcome; success or failure).✌️
Edit: The “Hero’s Journey” has a winning destination in mind. While ironically, the answer is right in the title…it’s about the journey. Maybe that’s why people are confused, and attach to this concept of winning or losing, more than the journey itself.
❤❤
The practical part, how to overcome this, lasts like 15 seconds =) that part could use some examples for the slow ones :P
ive been scrolling the comment section looking for this comment. glad to know im not the only one
4:01 Palimpsest = a very old text or document in which writing has been removed and covered or replaced by new writing; something reused or altered but still bearing visible traces of its earlier form.
Criticised at home and bullied at school as a child. Fell in love twice without been corresponded. Loved by five people I wasn't able to love in return. Passed 50 and now I simply couldn't care less about anyone. I've had enough. I don't expect anything from anyone. I just carry on peacefully alone.
That's so cool ! I wish you a great journey of calmness and not giving a f about others anymore ❤
Same here, trying to focus on myself, realising that a relationship will never complete me. Focus on loving myself and prioritizing my happiness
Brilliant! if we want to overcome this typical stories we have to analyze deeply our own past in order to heal and then be able to tell more mature stories, which now can reflect how we´ve overcome our unhealthy tendency's
It feels like I'm in a positive story line that i don't acknowledge because i felt it's a trap in one area and in another it felt like i have to question things to get reassurance that this is not a joke in front of my face.
Getting free from the past was, by far, the hardest thing I ever did. The reason it's so hard is because of exactly what the video surmises: you can't tell where these problems are coming from or even that you have a problem and can fool yourself into thinking (or not fool perhaps but actually think you're logically deducing) these problems are brought about by other people doing what they do. In some cases, that may be true and the comments section is too pithy a place to explore all those scenarios. Usually, almost in every case even if someone else contributed to one or more of my previous problems, it is just an acting of what we know. It took me years and years and years to get to where I am now and along the way there were epiphanies (such as when I learned I was co-dependent and an odd-looking people-pleaser - again, would take a lot to explore all that) and I thought that was enough until I went further and further and realized exactly that I had to go relearn everything (still in progress on that but way farther ahead now). I can barely describe the torture this was for me to suffer through. I've never had sensations so terrible, even from the events that caused these problems in the first place. It was being alone a lot, writing a lot, arguing and getting mad with people a lot (but still accepting what they said and letting it affect me when it should. There is so much to discuss about this topic. This was so hard for me that I don't really know how it was possible. The problem is, if you come from the kind of life I came from, telling you that may not resonate and so you might think you can escape and it will be easier somehow. This was a fate worse than death and that was with me thinking that it wasn't so bad going into it,. I believe that if resolving these things in me (a condition I still must test quite a bit more to validate) did what it did to me, anyone who is coming from a place of substantial damage and having to learn again as an adult what you should have gotten as a child, you should believe it will be the hardest fight you'll ever go through and no one will be able to see you sweating or even understand how to give you a kind word or that you need one. Basically, be prepared to be the loneliest you've ever been and then some while also knowing that if you tell others how lonely you are, you may get admonished or even blamed if you tell the truth which makes it such a terrifying thing to face. If you're having to deal with unbreaking yourself, I'm sorry. It's going to be harder and hurt more than whatever broke you but you will, believe me you will, one day see the light if you just resolve to do it. It sucks but know that there are some people who know at least the sensations you're going to experience and you can survive it (please survive it) and once you do, you're going to feel life in a way you never did before.
I threw away some journals years ago. I see that The School of Life found them and made a video of them.
This is what I have meditated on in the midst of the reality where existential crisis happens and my goals and motivations have been lost hence making me feel guilty to ponder on this matter.
However, it is truly a critical question to answer for the self as you are now out of the family influence that it was never your choice and you can rewrite who I am as you are able to try and reflect on yourself and choose what person you want to become! Therefore, recreate yourself by taking your time on self-reflection decoupling from materiality and enlightening, and internalizing.
Even tho it takes time, it works and you become the writer of your story.
I'm the arthur of my own book.Some chapters are dark and full of unexpected tragedies, but at the end I've learned from experiences and gained wisdom. And this knowledge I will pass to the younger generation so they can learn from my mistakes and triumphs. Life is a mere stage and we are all actors...and remember in SOME ONES story, you played the villain.
Rings a lot of bells for me! Thanks. Childhood trauma, adulthood relationships gone sour, overcommitments beyond reasonable limits. Thanks.
Very good points illuminated by many Scenarios. Thank You for this great lesson.❤
Very calming and peaceful. ❤
Thanks dr.
✨ 🤍
Stay blessed and serene too!! May God bless you.
Another brilliant video with crucial information and wonderful insights!
This is by far the most important videos from the school of life. History repeat itself if we are not aware of repeating something we have done before, something familiar. I have learned this through watching The Great Gatsby and it has been helping me figure out my life from the past days
how did you do that? Tell me as well
"Nah, imma do my own thing"🔥🔥🔥🔥
My findings were as follows: I repeated these roles because I thought if I repeated them enough, I would finally understand why they happened.
The thing is, I know who the original actors are. It doesn't change the pattern. Sometimes the awareness is actually a hinderance.
Ikr
agree
Amazing video. Thanks for the reflection.
This video give good explanation about the topic that I am confusing about. Familiarity over childhood. If you have books or another video which explore this topic, I would like to know.
tryna fix my broken brain and life with these channels
My father issues explained in fancy language. Recognising and rewriting the story is hard but so is everything.
Perfect explanation of Klosko and Young‘s schema therapy! I‘m currently reading the book and facing my own „stories“…
have you gotten much out of it?
@@CasperMakesGames so far yes
Very good information, worth having a deep thought about it myself. Thanks 👍
Sometimes I just laugh while watching these videos.
"CHILDHOOD"
That's where it all began 😂
just like you began to be in this life. "a child".
What's there to laugh about ? Do you have a better explanation than this ?
@@RiyaSingh-mo9qi its just that I don't find solutions to any of this if in every video they say "damage is done in the past, what's done is done, slowly heal yourself with love, care and connection with other people". This is the whole premise of most of their videos and at one point I was done with all of this repeating again and again. And yes you asked for a solution. Here it is - 1 word - MEDITATE 😌
@@abhishekdeval8314on what, Mr. Zen Wizard?
@@esterhudson5104 Spine straight, relax muscles (to the extent possible for you), relaxing eyes is the most important part, deep-slow and equal breathing, and then just do anything you want, sit cross-legged, walk, do the dishes, etc. You don't meditate on anything, it's basically turning off of PCC.
You must have liked the video and were upset about me laughing at the idea. But I liked the video too, just I want to believe in something that gives more power and control to me.
So yeah, didn't mean to upset you. Here's a simple meditation as an apology.
Thanks!
This channel has changed my life
I used to compare my relationship with my previous boss with my father's, which is a complex one. I was fearful and didn't share anything because I thought he'd react the same way as dad. My therapist thought me how to distinguish both and remember that he is NOT my father and this is not the same scenario. That's why I hate when people refer to the workplace as a family. You can build relationships and good friendships there, but you most certainly should distinguish family and work. And, therapy's important.
Love this.
Another great one!
This video was beautiful.
She surely did unlock that narative
Going back doesn't help much but only to identify the source of our problem. Even if parents are the source, they will and can do nothing about it now. At best, acknowledge it.
I always rewriting on web series the basic on my knowledge and my opinion instead it's very support my psychology n makes me relieved .. Thanks ..
As someone who found passion late at 19, going off the rails off your script really feels like an uphill battle but hey, you never unlock Gear five just sitting around or throwing away things that make you grow (if someone gets the reference)
Edit: also living in peace without holding a grudge and only keeping distance from toxic people than entertaining them is super liberating
19 is not late at all so let's be careful to not make other 19 year old freak out thinking they "why haven't I found my passion yet? I'm getting so old!"
Be a lifelong learning. Maturity and fully knowing the self takes time and a lot of self awareness and self introspection. We are constantly evolving. Who you are at 19 is not who you are at 29, and who you are at 29 is not who you are at 39 and so on. We're all different and "grow" in our own pace. It doesn't matter where someone else is in their life. Keep yourself calm and always start from a place of peace. Everyone has a story and therefore a message to share that can help someone else. At 19 you're an infant and don't need to be feeling like you're "late" in anything. At that age you haven't even finished developing physiologically. The brain isn't fully developed until around 25... which means there are mental capacities you're not even capable of (like comprehension) at 19 even if you tried. That's why people at that age seem immature (because we are at that age, we're not fully developed yet). So if you're 19 right now, don't worry if you haven't found your passion yet. You'll go through so many changes both mental/psychological, emotional and physical in the next 10+years so you have time to know and understand who you are and what your passions are. Start from a place of peace and you'll be okay. ✌
@@johnnyt9405 Very, very wise words!
lol "late at 19". Some people never find it for decades longer than that
@@johnnyt9405amazingly put forward insight ❤
Thanks
now thats what we call educational
„We need to go back and refund the original actors, or we will never be left off the stage“ hit me the hardest, because it is a 100% true
"Whose love".
Eye opening
Never give up on winning because you are afraid of losing afterwards.
The expression of my DNA that first resembled who I woke up as today, only started existing 4 years ago. Anything before that is a stranger and has no influence on my future. He who was forced himself to cease to exist, in order for someone else to evolve, whomever that may turn out to be. I won't be there to find out, as I fade away in the night, having played my part in the chain of days lived by other selves, leading to an existence mostly in memory.
A new day, a new "me", do well my friend✌️💚🖖
This one is heavy. ❤️🩹
Personally I agree with the idea that childhood experiences mark us profundely. I also know change is possible. I've gone from being a passive person to being strong and sure of my own opinions.
However, there's research saying personality is largely or even entirely determined by our genes. Might those of us who believe childhood/parenting is the main determinant of personality be wrong? 😮
But childhood does shape some of us into the adults we become . They talked about patterns here so even if your genes say that you are more smart than your parents , to feel a sense of belongingness you WILL end up doing or performing some acts that you witnessed in childhood and that creates a cycle .
haven't noticed yet any dynamic in my childhood I wasn't previously aware of and it worries me there's stuff back still to haunt my present.
We are doing a psychology assessment on stock market participants.
Great video!!!
Thank you!
Apparently, either I'm a cliche or this guys read my mind. They nail it at least 80% of time. Like they not inly tell me the general things but rather the specifics of my problem. Thing is by this point I already know my problems very well but still can't find the way out!
"We privilege familiarity over happiness"
I would bet that nearly all trained therapists who smuggly act like they have the whole human experience thing mastered would be absolutely destroyed if they had to actually step into the shoes of poor people without family or resources to save them who routinely work until collapsing to barely stay above homelessness. Maslow had it right when he put self actualization at the tiny pinnacle of his understanding of behavior. This video strikes me as the type of thing that would help an attractive young woman or a man making $100K a year. Perhaps the fault lies in me not being in the target demographic.
Better than my school
My parents were so loving and present and I still fall into these traps 🤔
Please do a video of dada/Dadaism and maybe how it relates to corecore
Appreciate the quiet bi representation at 1:48 :)
Thank you!
Nice
Perfect content, keep it up.
Thank you for watching
Oh, childhood? Who would have thought 🙃
It's really well written but the visualisation of this video is not on par with the older ones on this channel.
I find it easier not to get caught up in any of these sticky traps when I am able to maintain financial independence, preferably from multiple streams of income, in itinerant jobs.
It is then unsurprising that some people tend to think of life as unworthy of begining from the first place since we are all doomed to face hurtles and challenges one way or another. I MAY be traumatized but I would also suggest that the seemingly normal well behaved people are also facing problems in their lives which to some extent antagonise the good They gain from the allegedly positive traits.
YO THIS MF DONT MISS EVEN IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE HE DONT MISS
💥💥💥💥💥
The importance of returning a favor
nice
I have repeatedly lost friends through one way or the other and it hearts a lot
And to my knowledge this is because I lost my father when I was a child and then my brother when I teenager
How can I rewrite this
This title was generated by chatgpt and i know it bc when i do email campaigns and ask it to give me examples of subject lines most of the time it include "Unleash" and "ignite"
the subtitles !!!!!!!!!!
What does work psychotherapy comes down to?
This is so difficult. Nobody wants to do that, but how can you solve this ? Observation is a good answer, but people tend to forget easily, so they make the same mistake or create the same stories. So after observation, you need action. Action is connected with choice. We are free to make our own choices.
What is your advice for the friendless working poor? Why are we so alienated? Isolated? The anomie sometimes seems thick.
I just got over this person during my college and i met another girl when i started work and they are the same person in so many ways, when i realised that Yesterday my brain broke seeing the similarities. Literally the same Cultural, educational background, similar intellectual and capability. I mean they would be the same people if not for nuanced differences. This is making me wish I'd rather have mother issues than fall for the same type of person. The problem being they can be a bit much with the emotional games and have caused a lot of psychological damage to me. I'm still recovering from the old one and this has happened. Fml, any thoughts would be appreciated but this is more of a rant.
think I’m to young to understand. Lots of adult, and life praises thrown in there. Can someone explain in layman terms aka in a simple way? Think it’d be helpful for my upcoming Highschool career and life in general to seek advice on improvement on overall life.
I am in love with a girl who doesnt reciprocate this feeling since my school days. Is this because of something i lacked as a child from one of my parents that i still yearn for her
"Nah, imma do my own thing"
Why some people have a tendency for instability while others are rock solid?
Isn’t it impossible to overcome a repetition compulsion?
I gotta admit: the continuing idea of this channel of blaming my childhood for everything is starting to wear on me.
So I already know the original players… but how do I get off the stage?
I found the original actors but what do I do now????
I guess..Now that you are more aware and matured, talk to them now in your mind like you would have talked to them if you have had the chance to converse with them in person about the issue now. That’s what I did with the person who sexually abused me when I was 6 who also happens to be my own uncle. When I did that in my mind, I actually came to realised that all these years I have been secretly trapped and have been living the experience over and over again for 25 years. In my mind. But…not anymore. Sometimes, realisation is infact the stepping stone.
TOOLS, RULES and FOOLS?
I think change can be encouraged by PIVOTING, with TOOLS, RULES and FOOLISHNESS.
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Interestingly no any reference given to the schema theraphy!
3:25
First time first!! 😳 🥳
Nice 🙂
parents😢😢😢😢😢
❤177
There's nothing to reflect or change yourself. Remind yourself, you are surrounded by assholes.
"whose love" not "who's love" @1:50
Kuch samaj nahi aaya
Further proof I have no life.
I imagine you put alot of time and energy into your script, can you turn up the volume so I can actually HEAR IT.. thx bud
First!
Nope.
The School of Life becomes repetitive.
Nuggs