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Why do you feel the need to catch narcissists in their bad behavior?
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You don't need to catch them. Trust your intuition, validate your own experience.
It took me a while to figure that out! If thereâs a narcissist around, lots of gaslighting going on!
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck. Then it probably is a duck! I'm guilty of using it quite a lot, but this quote is highly relevant and on point.
Sometimes your intuition's voice is too quiet. In fact getting all the way to the point that you trust your gut enough to try and find the evidence for what you suspect is a huge step. It means your instinct is starting to raise its voice at you. But that new focus and energy needs to be put into getting out not getting revenge.
@@nicolec9737 Seeking revenge is never the answer nor solution. Quietly, secretly and abruptly getting out is the solution. No contact is essential to be able to move on.
@@narcfreeatlast6975 Agreed. Not worth giving them any more of your time or energy. Even if you think catching them or getting revenge will make you feel better. Really all your doing is still spending more of your time and energy focused on them instead of yourself.
Lying comes so naturally to them. It's scary how comfortable they are at telling lies đ
Born liars...you don't have to catch them because actions speak louder than words. Their motto is lie, lie, deny, deny, run, run!!They are not worth losing sleep over. Throw these people to the wolves. Let karma eat them up alive. Stop throwing your pearls before swine:) Stay strong and positive!!! Move forward in your own life. đȘđȘ
If there mouth is moving, they are lying. Watch for the talking too much, the over explaining, and the talking in circles...it's all a part of their dirty little game.
Yup! I witnessed this when my Narc father was gaslighting my mother about her own money! He has taken her bank card and had been using it to his hearts content. My mom is terminally ill and unfortunately cannot go to the bank herself to check on what's going on. She entrusted me into looking into it. When she confronted him about it, he literally told her (while I was looking at her bank statement) that he had been depositing money into her account and then proceeded to tell her how someone has been spending money on specific (minor) things. I was sitting there like đź
I know that he has done this to us my entire childhood but to actually witness it in adulthood was thoroughly disturbing.
@@queenlauralee47 Check out RC Blakes, a pastor that specializes in narcissistic recovery for women.
@nimbleneedle hahaha, though my sister lived 500 miles away, in an argument about when she worked and didn't work and pointing out that these dates are documented in her SSA work biography, which in my country we get a copy of every few years, she insisted I must've altered the social security papers in her file. Another time she insisted she didn't write the email I sent back to her to prove that she's lying. Another one claimed she did not stalk me on the internet, and claimed to not even have an account on CZcams, hereby conveniently foretting her professional pages on CZcams and other social media. After pointing out to her that her stalking was documented in a police investigation, incl. her IP-Address, she claimed she didn't have that IP since a long time. When asked how does she know which IP the police investigated, her chin dropped and word salad came out of her mouth. Mind you, this was an occasion where she tried to convince someone of me being crazy, but stumbling from one lie to the other, she revealed how crazy she is. Knowing that she made a complete fool of herself, she never again contacted the other person. Bizarre, as you say, really, really CRAZY. Those times leave no doubt how terribly mentally deranged they are, and that everything else they show is just an act.
YOU ARE THE FRIEND AND THERAPIST WE ALL DESPERATELY NEED IN OUR LIFE. THANK YOU đâ€ïž
Amenâ€
â€ïž YES
We have to be stronger together because the narc in my life is starting to rub off in me and I have fought selfishness OFF for 40 years!!! My entire family has it .
I feel I speak for most when I say I wish there were thousands of you so we could all have you as our psychologists, I so desperately need a therapist that understands what I've suffered at the hands of my mother and my ex and that knows borderline and DBT and I've about given up hope that I can find anyone in my area that can help me. I'm continually diagnosed bipolar depression and know in my heart this is not my issue, and no one does DBT.
TRUE TRUE TRUEđ DEEEEEPEST GRATITUDE for all your work, Dr Ramani đđđ from Belgium
Because they gaslighted us hundreds of times and we know there's something wrong with them but we can't believe our inner feelings.
I finally felt sane again when I caught mine! The knowledge opened the door for me to leave with no regrets!
Exactly. After a while with the narcissist, we lose trust in ourselves. They try to keep us off balance, and confuse us... Our minds then need to be satisfied with logic and reasoning. Imo ...itâs a part of the process to regain our sense of sanity.
That they say such monstrosities and have it not bother them 'shows' there's something wrong with them!
Absolutely ... just tell me the truth for mercy's sake lol
This is so true!đ
You will never get justice in a narcissistic relationship. A narcissist will always treat you unfairly.
@@purple2333 đđđ
The best justice is we are out of the narcs life forever
I believe in Gods justice in the end.face to face with God one day....
They will NOT get away with nothing
I feel Iâve had to catch them in their lies or bad behavior because I didnât trust my own instincts, thoughts, and reality...which we know was distorted by gaslighting. I want people to like and want me, so I tend not to believe they arenât treating me well.
Yup, to prove to yourself that it really is not you who is crazy.
I know I've already proven without a doubt it's not me that's crazy. My ex tells everyone it's me and uses the fact that I have minor depression to point out it's me. Except I'm not the one who strangled someone and almost took that teenager's life nor had the past of sexual predation of children! Imagine this individual having a squeaky clean criminal record!! Added on are the numerous times this person drove, SO DRUNK, he couldn't remember getting from point A to point B and would JOKE about it!! He's committed many arrestable offenses. He should have criminal documentation as thick as a Webster's unabridged dictionary! This has continued to eat at me. His worst abuse was done secretly, planned and sadistically. I've been told by a doctor who I showed my neck x-ray that many others would have died either from the neck injury I sustained or the ongoing abuse afterwards or just both. I forgot this strangling and a SECOND ONE less than a week later for over 33 years until late 2015!! I was strangled in early August 1982 just after turning 17. I'd moved in with malignant narc? and his mom and the strangling happened less than 2 weeks after I'd moved in. Moving out of my parents at this age was the STUPIDEST thing I did at the time! I had good, hardworking, moral, non abusive patents. My moving out stemmed from MY rebellious attitude from moving from another state and my parents wouldn't let me stay where I could finish highschool. My parents hadn't done anything wrong. Even surgery on my neck in late 2013 didn't jog my memories. I'm left with lifetime meds for the neurological damage these stranglings did to me. I have a noticeable crooked neck with my neckbone being shoved one inch to the right, with the bones also forced backwards, PERMANENTLY. I was born with a loose ligament condition called Ehlers Danlos. My neck should have snapped in two, easily. Again, how does someone walk as a free man after that horror? There's more I won't get into. Sorry if this is too long. Nuff said.
This.
@@yime6631 attempted homicide has no statute of limitation. File charges against him, even if it has been 33 years ago. As the case is build, tell your lawyer about all the other criminal activity you know about, even if some isn't provable, some will be, and the sum of it all speaks for itself. He walks free because nobody made him accountable for what he did, incl. you. The next time he strangles someone, he might be successful, and you'll have to live with the fact that you could've prevented it, had you opened your mouth.
They know we have a strong desire to be liked, accepted, and validated. That gives the narc the upper hand to play with our minds. They will tell you lies like "I'm on your side" or "It's not me. It's them. They don't like you." I heard that too many times...a form of brainwashing!!
Catching them doing the act is like a wake up drug some victim needs.
And proof
đđŒ
True! It gave me the clarity I needed to leave him alone for good. I felt so guilty and confused. It was great to know that I was not crazy or hurting some poor innocent man.
@@trsumbry I know that feeling. I could have wasted years with the man who was cheating on me. I could have gotten an STD or came home to another woman in my bed. That would have been too much for me. So- yes- it's best to get out of these relationships and I think I would have stayed much longer had I not found the proof. Was so hurtful but no coming back from that. Kind of protects you.
Yes I needed to see this tonight
What is sad about all this is that it doesnât get easier after you get evidence. They accuse you of being an obssesed stalker, and yes it is like an addiction, i spent whole nights checking phones, emails, fb profiles, checking gps. It s exhausting and you dont have the enough strength to leave.
Same here
This is honestly seriously so true.
No contact. Life is beautiful, it can be difficult at times. But we don't require someone to screw it up to their satisfaction.
ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUTS... You know but you just refused to exceptđč
Same here
Unfortunately, infidelity tends to go hand in hand with narcissism. Especially, somatic narcissism. Narcissists believe EVERYTHING they need is external, including self-worth, self-esteem, validation, etc. Those things are what make up our inner world and we are supposed to develop and cultivate them within/on our own. Narcissists DEPEND on people to supply those things for them. Because we cannot (nor, are we supposed to) supply every want/need of a partner, narcissists are always on the lookout for "better supply". They will always gravitate toward anyone they feel can meet the needs/wants their spouse isn't (and can't). Narcissists are unstable and they cannot soothe themselves. They cannot meet their own needs and their needs/wants are constantly changing. Narcissists are black holes. They are human abyss' of unmet needs/wants. Even if you gave them everything, they'd still want MORE... All while giving NOTHING in return. Narcissists are also pathologically bored. They do not experience boredom the way normal adults do. They're like children. Once they become bored, they tend to throw their toys (people) in a corner to collect dust. Then, they search for new ones... Untilllll, they realize that their newest toy isn't as fun. Or, it doesn't function as well as the old toy did. Then, they'll go digging in the corner to find that old toy (the reason their relationships tend to be off and on). People are objects meant to keep them occupied and entertained. The newer the toy, the better/more exciting it is. However, EVERYONE will inevitably lose their shine with the narcissist. You must accept their reality and realize that it's NOT ABOUT YOU and it never was. This is also the point when it becomes crucial to sit your ego on the curb. Your ego will want to fight to be seen. Your ego will want to fight to prove you're enough. Your ego will feel it's "worthy" of the narcissist and fight to "keep" them... But, again: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Most narcissists are extremely irresponsible. Many of them marry to secure stability. Or, to have someone they can count on to help with bills to free up their resources. It also ensures they'll have somewhere safe to land when they fall - because they always f*** up... Do yourself a favor and pull that rug of security out from under them and save YOURSELF. Narcissists do not have a moral compass. They do not respect the union of marriage. It'll always be a one-sided arrangement with you being the giver that's making their life easier and them being the taker that's making your life harder. We deserve the same love, attention, support and understanding that we give our spouses. You will never get it from someone suffering with NPD. Moreover, if you feel sure that your husband might never cheat on you, you might have to rethink. Most wives in marriages are shocked when they find out their husband cheating, and it happens more with people who never thought they would cheat. This is why you have to take the tiniest suspicion carefully. If your husband is cheating on you, the best and probably the only guaranteed way to catch him is to spy on their phones. However, spying on a phone is not something you can do without any external help unless you have the James bond level of spy skills. In such case you will need an expert phone spyier Metaspyhub@gmail. com for the purpose,,,
When checking your partner's phone becomes an obsession ,it's time to cut your losses and move on... before you lose your mind.
Great statement!!!
So true... I lost my mind. It has taken me seven years to even think about trusting again.
I DID check my husband's phone and found he had put my coworker in his contact list. I asked him why he would do that. He said he wanted to keep an eye on me. I am now divorced.
If you're checking anyone's phone, then you've entered the dark arts.
@@nicholasschroeder3678 I had already confronted my husband about a deception. I told him I wanted to check his phone. He agreed to it, and I checked it with him standing there. That's how I was able to question him on what I found. By that time he already knew I was on to him. There actually should not be anything on your phone that you would not want your spouse to see. Privacy is one thing....secrets another.
For you, narcissist survivor: you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be respected, you CAN put boundaries, you CAN say no, you have your own LIFE & no one owns it or owns you.
You are worthy, you are lovely, you are beautiful, you are STRONG, you have great future & you are SMART.
I love you and I believe in you, even though I never met you, but just because of what you went through, I believe in you. â€ïž
thank you, abcd
What a loving comment, some of us need to read this Thank you đ
đââïžthank you
T h i s !!!!!
abcd, thank you. You wrote this 2 years ago and itâs exactly what I needed to hear today â€
This is painfully accurate.
You are so right. I want to call my narc sibling out constantly. I am working hard to stop wanting this.
I have a sibling too. It's so hard. For financial reason I have to live with her and her Grandkids. They are growing up like her. It's so sad. I would like to talk to someone with a Narcissist sibling.
Anyone that really loves and values you would never put you in a place of doubt and insecurity. At that point you can be sure they donât give a damn about you. They arenât even worth the time/money/effort.
Thank you, that was a powerful statement. I appreciate you sharing those words. So true!
100% truth. They're doing it, bc they just don't care about you at all.
Yes, that đŻ% true!
True!
Thank you. By the time I knew he was cheating for sure, I knew it was over. I stayed wayyyyyy to long. Until this day he regrets what he did. Iâm happily single now, because Iâve seen to much. Heâs still missable and living in denial.
I learned the hard way that as soon as you feel like catching them its a sign to get out of the relationship. Get out and start healing and you can feel happier and safer. You deserve a relationship that you don't have to worry about all the time.
Exactly correct. đđđ
True. Any relationship that requires you to turn into Inspector Gadget is relationship you don't need!! Run. Run far away...đđ
I know a couple. Both are off, but the woman is the dominant one. She once said to the man that there's no human inside him. He reported this to me, playing the victim. But being the scientist I am, I started wondering how that could be true and I've later realized that it's quite true about both of them. The problem is that there is nothing to catch. These people are making themselves up on the spot. And the eerie distance you feel towards them is during the moments when they're not making themselves up.
I donât need a psychic. The truth is always the truth. I know my truth. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. Be true to yourself. Have your own back. Take care of you!!!!! Listen to your gut, it speaks for a reason. Your gut does not engage in idol chatter. Gut feelings are real. Stay grounded. Take care of you!!!
I see the problem as entailing the difficult personal journey of facing The Void. It can be hard to.know where to start.in rebuilding your working assumptions and perspectives on participati g in relationships.
Yes the truth will set you free!
I stay grounded but his job is to move my ground. Most of the time I donât see him coming.
Trying to catch a narc is like trying grab hold of a king cobra with wings: posionous, difficult and a totally unrealistic.
Not true, though they're winding like snakes, they leave heaps of evidence in their wake. One only has to know where to look. I.e. account statements reveal how much money they spend on themselves and others vs. letting you live below wellfare level, where and how much money they get besides the regular amounts they get, how often and where they filled their tank when they were supposed to be at work, deductions for things that have nothing to do with your household, i.e. paying someone else's rent or utilities, or dinners and trips you don't know about. Internet and telephone protokolls reveal with whom they're communicating. Friends and relatives can attest to how cold and indifferent they were treated by the narcissist, who gave them the message they're not wanted and should stay away in order to isolate you. Neighbors witness certain happenings, i.e. you're severely ill and are shoveling snow or are lugging groceries while the narcissist does nothing. And there's always criminal activity you become aware of, like stealing from employers or in stores, working off the books and defrauding the IRS, the insurance or other authorities. You have plenty of evidence, you only need to start looking at it as evidence and no longer as business as usual. And other people, whom the narcissist tried to keep you from, i.e. exwifes, coworkers, family, alledged friends, all have similar experiences with the narcissist and can immensely add to your list of evidence.
True!!
@@cendyd.7106 First off...I feel your emotion and respect it. Second I cant argue with anything you said; your comment makes sense and you can catch a Narc. My initial point still stands. Dont waste time trying find truth in a situation( or person) who is lie.
@@lionface1364 generally I'd say you're right, if at all possible, walk away and don't look back. But in most cases the victims have been exploited to a point they've lost everything and are being threatened with the narcissist taking the children away. In order to prevent the narcissist from causing further damage to you or your children, you need to be able to prove the other person is lying, betraying, coneiving, and that can only happen if you have hard evidence, documentation and witnesses.
Edit: They don't really want the children, but they don't want to pay childsupport, and the children can be used as pawns to inflict further damage to you.
They are. Good description.
I know too many abused, betrayed partners whom have âspiedâ to uncover decades of a secret, double life. Sometimes it needs to be exposed by any means necessary - trust your instincts.
The dichotomy of the narcissistic relationship is so confusing when you're in it, it's hard to grasp that someone who can treat you so nicely can also treat you so poorly. It leaves you thinking they just have the wrong perspective; like, if they could only see how badly they've hurt me they'd change. I found out the hard way that isn't true. They hurt you on purpose and they *don't care* that you were/are hurt! Pointing it out just kicks in their rage and starts a massive fight
I definitely got this from my mother. I believe she has dementia now. But, her problems started looong before dementia. She was certainly no friend of mine. Even when I called her out on smear campaigning, when I didnât know anything about narcissism or that smear campaigning was a think, I could feel the smirking over the phone. It was like, âYep. Thatâs what I did. Glad it hurt you.â
Cut to the next scene, Iâve gone no contact and, yep, she needs me. Iâve separated from the family as, I know my life means nothing to them, other than me getting in there, using up the rest of my life with a manipulative, abusive, belligerent witch, so everyone else can âget theirsâ. There are videos about when the scapegoat walks away. But, I donât even need to watch them. I know enough about it.
Grace- I feel for you. I lived that same existence. They can be so loving one minute and then cruel the next. You don't know what you've done. All I can say- is love shouldn't hurt. Love shouldn't be about "potential"- like if he wasn't "depressed" or unemployed. There are so many excuses they make. We are taught in life that "nothing is perfect" and that if you get along most of the time- that fights are normal in a relationship. I equate what happened to you (and me) with just bad luck. I really think it is. It's like being in the wrong place, at the wrong time. These people are selfish predators- that know how to "charm" people or manipulate people. It's not your fault. I was victimized and so were you. It's just important in the future to be with a healthy person- not someone with potential. Someone that is kind to everyone and isn't "moody".
Everything ur fault đąthey accuse u tell a simply answer liars cheaters manipulate u calmly sad no satisfaction no blame even thou they accuse u of all they doing to uđ€đ€đŻâ
Mines was abusive blame me it was him trying to break u while they cheat on u with everybody treat others gud in ur face the whole u the problem but it's just the fact that I know they don't care no control when u don't react actually đźđźthey mad at u for knowing the truth Now they don't trust u cuz u know about themđźđą
They think ur going to cheat on them they don't trust u the abusive ways gets worst No when sotuationđźnever it was ur fault
I used to confront him with proof just to humiliate him, as a way to make him feel the same way I felt. So incredibly toxic. Thatâs when I knew I had lost all respect for him and would never get it back. I wish narcs could be truly and properly punished for being horrible human beings.
They mostly live miserable lives. My life is so rich & fulfilling in comparison. I'm so grateful to not have to live like they do! That's, usually! enough for me đ All the best, Theresa
@ shopanna I agree! I confronted the ex Narc many times with proof, and that smirky smile would appear. That is the most evil & disturbing. Unfortunately, Narcs are constantly living in misery. It must be exhausting to have to change their character to mirror each new supply. No wonder they dont sleep much and are always suffering from anxiety. đ©
"Just to humiliate him" and "truly and properly punished"? Wow, you sound like a lovely person to be aroundâŠ
@@ChattyLionheart when you truely find out what they did, you do feel this way. This feeling passes as you let go of all the crazymaking that they truely do to you. We were all lovely before these creatures found thier way to us. Doesent make this person bad. You may not have been through this horrible experience.
For me, my father is the one I confronted. My mom just does the same thing. My household is a hell hole. When I confronted my dad, I lost all respect for him. All of it. It feels so weird going against your parent because literally it feels like you have to Respect and Love your parent, but I know it's unhealthy.
I also wish they can be punished. Or at least for me resolved of all the issues because I don't like what the do which is stuff it and till it feels like it's going to burst. It's insane. Actually.
Such an accurate video. It is soooo easy to become obessed with trying to PROVE you arent crazy and that something is really going on. But even with proof they just Lie Lie Lie and turn it back on you.
Exactly.
Cause some of have been made to feel so damn crazy, itâs one of the only ways to hold on to our reality. Evidence, facts, proof.
Sometimes I feel I have to pick and choose which lies I want to confront my Narc mother on because there are so many.
She feels that if she tells a lie enough, and you don't challenge it, then you are accepting her lie as truth.
Truly
spikefivefivefive if we expect them to behave like normal healthy people, were just playing into their hands. Normal people feel guilt, remorse, regret over hurting people. Normal people make amends and apologise. Theyâre not normal. They will just use your expectations of basic human decency to manipulate you, gas light you, lie to you. Now I just keep my facts and evidence to myself, to strengthen my grip of reality. I donât need to give her more opportunities to crazy make.
I love Dr Ramani but I disagree with not doing detective work. I Think it is very important to know what they are doing and as such snooping in phones, spying, whatever it takes. I believe you need to validate your gut instincts with proof as these people are so highly manipulative
lizzy Schefter I think thatâs also you needing validation IMO. Idk why it sent me a notification đ I see where you are coming from but if you believe someone is acting against you just decide for yourself. My opinion only
Because others will think of you as the crazy irrational one.
No, only people that think like them will think that, which, when you drill down, are those people really friends or there to help you become the best version of yourself? No, the only thing Narcs do is run to people who absorb their B.S. I assure you over time, they will be the ones that people feel are crazy. They eventually expose themselves to everyone.
@@kc8639 yeah I agree. Maybe because narcs in my life are very charismatic, helpful and quite successful, when I said contradictory things about them, people around me began questioned me, uncertain about what I said and ended up being gaslighted
@@arinaira1417 - Try and keep this in mind. Their world is insanely small. Don't let the words of a few deter you from you who are. This is a very tough challenge and has been for me as well. They are incredibly cruel people.
@@kc8639 thank you for the advice, I will try to do that. I was raised to always listen to others and put their need first. It's a hard cycle to break honestly. Thank you I appreciate it.
@@arinaira1417 - I was too and you are 100% correct on taking on other's energy in that way. I used to put so much value on how others thought of me, but when you drill down to that, our perception and ego is at work doing this which can, and most often, be greatly flawed. You be the best person you can be and the RIGHT people will find you. Listen to your heart - that will never lie to you or lead you astray.
"Catching" him would be like cornering a bear. No thank you.
When you see them lie to others, know they are lieing to you
"That aha moment is not nearly as satisfying as you think it is".
I needed to hear that. Thanks again for the timely and much needed advice.
Oh ya, even more disappointment!
My ex cheated at 7 years. Denied, left me, ghosted me for 1 year, came back and hoovered me then admitted after pressuring him about the gf. 11 years later I observed the same behavior. I did set him up, he was caught w a different gf red handed in my home 6:00 AM Labor Day. (I was supposed to be at my brothers out of state). I went in w the police. Best thing I ever did was to KNOW that he knows he was caught red handed, no more hoovering or keeping me hanging on by my fingernails. Ghosted me since and divorce dragged for 1.5 years bc he did not want to deal w me. As far as I know, he is still w the new supply. I feel sorry for her. But then again, I was blinded by the love bombing too. Life is better now a decade later. :)
@ Wanda Nelson send the new supply a condolence card. LOLđ
Cher I tried to warn her with a couple you tubes of narc related vids. ONE TIME I heard back from the ex via email: leave her alone. Which translates to âshe got the message and he didnât like itâ. I really donât care how she handles it from there... I would have liked to be forewarned but that didnât happen. Pathological liar that he is... and will always be. Overwhelmingly devastated by divorce, foreclosure, bankruptcy and IRS debt. First time in my own in my lifetime and have survived simply by believing and giving my grief to the Lord, I am still healing but moving forward in a vey healthy, formidable way. :)
@@wandanelson9888 me too my friend. The only way to move is forward. We will never change or "help" them. They don't want it. Remember, they are perfect.đ€Łđđ. I can't even feel sorry for my ex now because he had a great woman that he threw away with his cruel behavior. God has got me through so much.
I caught him kissing her through a window in my own home. He lied about the affair for three more months. He was having an affair for years with her. During that time I told him I knew he was and he lied every day to my face. He didn't care if I lived or died.
What a hideous experience for you.
I hope things are much better for you now.
My narcissistic ex doubled down after being caught red-handed, essentially saying it didn't happen when it did, and that it was all my fault.
Yes these narcissists are callous
Pure cowardice... canât even step up and tell you the truth.
"I was caught with her because I wanted to. I knew sth happens and wanted to end it so I subconsciously let myself be seen with her such way to end it."
Even screenshots or voice recordings arenât enough proof to a narcissist... they will argue the context and claim they were âprovokedâ by you. Scrolling through old texts or emails, listening to voicemails, or trying to piece things together with friends/family is NOT worth the energy. It just makes you revisit awful feelings and it will trigger those same emotional responses that you have worked so hard to improve. You donât need proof - you are the only person that is worth convincing since YOU lived it!
This is right. However much you challenge their actions, their ego defences are so strong, they ll simply flat out deny it tooth and nail. And then it becomes more frustrating!
Was able to observe a narc as he gaslighted a lady over something trivial. He told her what I knew to be a lie. When she walked off I asked him why he lied to her about beans. "Because I wanted to". I realized if he would lie about beans, he would lie about anything.
Like Politicians, if their lips are moving, they are lying. Thank You Doctor Ramani!
It IS much easier when you catch them. Nothing wrong with that. I began to heal only when I got the proof. If I didn't have the proof I would've gone completely mad and wasted so many years of my life doubting myself. So catch them if you can. But show the proof only to those who you trust, not to them.
Same! It saved my life! I would have got hoovered back in if I didn't know the truth. I will investigate every man in the future! If I had done it, I could have saved years of hurt.
Yes! Donât let them know the proof you have. They will turn it on you and even make you doubt the photos of them with someone else. Cut and run
đŻ agreeâŠ
When you catch them they get worse and more open with their abuse. Can you say smear campaign? âđŒ
Youâve obviously never witnessed narcissistic mortification and collapse.
Marmaduke Scarlet, yeah only if getting caught is bad for them.
Oly Guy the key is to cut off all their sources of supply. Theyâre nothing without supply. Oh, yeah and, as they get older, itâs harder and harder for them to find new sources, so probably much easier to take down an old narc than a young one. Prof. Sam Vaknin believes a lot of narcissists spend a huge proportion of their lives in a state of mortification and collapse.
Marmaduke Scarlet, the key for me was to stop caring about them and their BS and spend that time and energy on things I value. I have no desire to run around counter manipulating anyone. âđŒ
Oly Guy manipulation had nothing to do with it. I just fed people their own words back to them. Iâve moved on. The narc has not.
I cannot control things that are outside of my circle of control. I went no contact and the narcs will screw themselves. Iâm busy with my truth. My energy is too precious to waste on narcs.
Me too I left my narc husband of 33 years I been free 6 weeks now and Iâm loving it
In the context of a divorce trial, especially one deciding your childrenâs safety and financial future, it is REQUIRED by the courts that you submit irrefutable proof.
You describe my last 8 years with alarming accuracy. Step 1. Watching with mistrust 2. Stalking parking lots of questionable locations 3 considered hiring help , but purchased a location device. ( didnât know about covert narcissism at the time.) 4. Asked for a divorce because I knew my behavior was unhealthy 5. Listened to the lies as they multiplied, attempted reconciliation, sought counseling, attended church programs, etc. 8. discovered covert narcissism description, started watching him again. 9. Bought the book â Spy the Lieâ. (Itâs pretty informative by the way. ) You may not see the truth in otherâs responses, but lies can be surprisingly easy to spot. If I had a nickel.....9. Found therapy 10. Bowed out.
1:40- "People sugarcoat gaslighting as a mere misunderstanding. It's far from that!" Thank you, so sick of the enablers and the their MINIONS trying to shame me
I believe for me was because of the gaslighting. He always tried to convince me my reality was not reality at all. Truth is, I was the ONLY ONE with the true reality. He was just crazy as could be.
You could catch these people right in the act. And yet somehow they turn right back on you. It's a no win situation
no matter what.
It's life draining. It robs you of everything good. đą
It doesn't matter how many times u catch them out and u have the "A ha " moment they'll deny and gaslight leaving you confused and once again waiting to catch them out again..
Be careful what you wish for ..the truth HURTS sometimes. If youâre already hurting without the evidence.. donât twist the knife on yourself by having to see it. Sadly, I can say trust me on this one đđđŒ we donât need more damaged souls
For years I went nuts trying to catch him doing anything. Obsessed, going crazy and so unhealthy. Like Dr Ramani said after confrontation, NOTHING good came out of it, nothing changed. The last years, I stopped caring and felt so much better about just letting it go and not knowing. Now that I finally left, I know that both of these reactions were SO not normal... You shouldn't feel this way in a relationship.
If the trust is so eroded that espionage seems necessary, then it's already over.
Catching him and the proof actually helped me and gave me calm and peace that i wasn't crazy and he is a horrible human. So for me, the proof helped me leave with a clean and peaceful heart. It helped me start healing.
I was dating this boy for 6 years and later on I found out that he was dating this other girl for 2œ years at the same time and when I tried to tell her about it he manipulated her and now she thinks I'm crazy. Infact in order to find out the truth I myself started to behave like him and now I've started to doubt my own reality. I don't even know who I am anymore and everyday he tells me that I ruined our relationship by acting this crazy and that I'm an evil person.
Before I even watch the video, we feel like we need to catch the narcissist because weâve been lied to and gaslighted so hard that we need proof weâre not crazy. Not for validation or to prove they are a monster, but to distinguish up from down and left from right again. The catharsis comes when you realize their words mean nothing and never did.
My narc ex would always accuse me of cheating in the most ridiculous circumstances. When I finally left I figured he had probably cheated, especially once I realized his projecting on me was basically an admission of his guilt. So I never looked for proof. However, after he moved out, he left a bunch of stuff behind (so he could have an excuse to keep coming back) after he tried to break into my house the 2nd time, I packed up all his stuff. When packing up his stuff I found some misc SD cards. I wasn't sure if they were his or mine so I opened them up, and there was the proof. Pictures of random naked women, on my couch in our first apartment, dated almost a year after I gave birth to our twins. If you let go without finding proof, often the proof or confirmation will present itself. Either through their projection, or other ways.
Hell they may even straight up tell you to hurt you and get reaction if you discard them.
@@sibi938 exactly
I'm so sorry that happened and completely identify with this.
my greatest regret was not grabbing her roles of undeveloped film when I left.
âItâs too important to keep their fragile ego safe. Thatâs why they are so good at lyingâ
I feel like that right there makes me feel so sad for them that it gives me a sense of peace in a way.
Itâs sad they canât feel Normal
I noticed that when I did try to share my anxieties or problems, I would wind up with three more and feeling a lot worse.
My behavior in the relationship with a narc became extremely problematic. I became the complete opposite of who I was. I didnât know who I was anymore, feeling afraid, worried, hopeless, and helpless. When I tried to get help, she didnât support me (though sheâd say otherwise). My reality had been so manipulated, doubted, and denied to the point where I lost trust for the people who were supportive. So I isolated myself and sheâd continue to pile it on me. I thought I had no one, that I was in fact the problem. Iâd become so enraged with the accusations, lies, gaslighting, judgements, etc. etc. etc. because no matter what, it was somehow my fault. Iâd impulsively act on those crisis urges and become aggressive and violent. And the aftermath put me further down the rabbit hole, Iâd feel awfully ashamed and guilty for my behavior. I had no mental or emotional strength left, it was a dark and scary place. Eventually, my family brought me to the hospital because I was such a wreck. It was madness. In DBT, Iâm learning skills to help regulate these difficult emotions. Itâs been about 7 weeks since Iâve started DBT and am already seeing a big change. Prayers and strength to everyone. Every day is a challenge to move on, but it gets a little easier with time.
A Narc will play mind games with you as a cute little reminder telling you that âI'm still out hereâ and âyou can't get rid of me" and âI'm going to continue harassing youâ so they can attempt to continue to control you, your family, your kids, your friends or money or whatever. Mind games are a fun way to entertain themselves at your expence! A Narc loves and wants to win any game so if you let this behavior get under your skin you will be doomed. They will win and you just become the laughing stock once again. It's the hardest thing to ignore because they know exactly what to say or do to get in your head and just fuck you up. Sorry but the 'french' is needed. Look, whatever a Narc tells people (mainly lies) it's just something you can't control and you can't change. People will believe what they want to believe about you and that's on them -not you. If you lose a family member or friend to their BS then that person was never really a good person to have in your life anywayâŠbe gone with the shit and start new with folks who really care for you. Toxic energy needs to be discarded so your healing can continue. Remain no contact and if your situation can be one where you don't have to deal with the Narc then do it. Just stay away and take control of your life! Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and thereâs simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Stop liking this. The person stole someone else's story and added an advertisement to it.
For me personally, I love to catch them for one reason more than any other. Because then I can feel/internally say MY GUT WAS FUCKING RIGHT!! And it helps me get to know my instincts better â€ïž itâs confirmation for my deep intuition which in turn creates more trust that I feel for myself. Thank you so much for giving us these incredibly deep and valuable videos â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž Much love from Northern California â€ïž
This!!!!
I was abused emotionally.
I called him out on cheating and I am the crazy thinker. He has lied lied lied. Yessss I will love to tell him I know the whole truth. Just moving on.. Thank you Dr Ramani. Blessings
My dad said I should get a psychologist. Me? He was told by his sister that I should be getting one. The thing is they don't provide specific details of it and just think I'm going crazy making the nParent seem like the one dealing w/ the situation... when in reality the "perceived" authority figure is the one who controls a family in the first place. đ
It's brutal!
Yup and then these so called 'friends' say 'we' must forgive, a sign they don't know what they're talking about, more future ditching to keep in mind!
Because I was called crazy for feeling 'certain way or some feelings' about his actions.. I grew so obsessed to prove him 'I am not crazy' that I ignored my other priorities in life and sucked at academics and social relations (I even ignored my parents I live with).. just to tell him " look I am NOT wrong but you are and here's the proof ". In 6 years that moment NEVER came... everything somehow turned out such that it was my fault in the end.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes, including low self-esteem
I read this comment right as she said the word 'gaslighting'
@@marisadaniela6 It is better to have clear definitions. I hope it helps and also that the information from the good Doctor helps. Enjoy your day.
I went down this dark path of trying to prove my ex was cheating. It was a waste of time and energy racing down a dysfunctional hall of mirrors where the gaslighting multiplied to infinity. The worst part was how small my life had become just to have evidence of his lying and cheating.
I didn't need to show them where i caught them. I did need to prove my reality to myself. I had been gaslit so many years, I couldn't believe the cruelty of there actions. I didn't trust what i saw right in front of my face.
Word.
Its frustrating not being able to call them out, because you know it will blow up in your face. Mindfulness, emotional detachment, and self esteem work is the way to deal with it in my opinion.
There is nothing but rage when confronting them
True. Detachment, and focusing on my career and daughter helped me move on. And ofcourse moving away physically to different city was gr8 too.
You never will get the truth from them! You have to call them out on things to let them know that you know! Then you finally get to the point where you donât even care bc itâs all lies!!
The problem with this is that even if you do catch them out it doesnât stop the desire to do it again, and again, and keeps that person in your field of awareness, and you in theirs
Gosh you are speaking directly to me. Caught him with a play phone. Kicked him out. Said he broke it and got rid of it. Wanted to work on us. 8 months later and sex only twice I knew he still had it. Conned the front desk into letting me in his room, and low and behold the play phone. Took it. Totally disgusting what was in that phone. At least 20 women. Disgusting pictures, every woman from friends of ours, hookers, ex wife, threesomes, gas station workers, other hotel guests, ect. Happened yesterday, filed for divorce today. Im done and he couldn't be happierđ
Iâve said this many times before on CZcams. But if the narcissist is cold to you, you can be sure the narcissist is hot to someone else. The cold phase, you will feel invisible. You will not feel important anymore. Even if you are in the same room, you will feel that the narcissist doesn't see you. When you are let say at work, the narcissist will no longer check your day. From calling or texting you several times per day to nothing or almost nothing. The biggest sign is when the narcissist's behavior changes dramatically. First you feel visible and really loved. That you have found your soulmate. To not feel visible anymore. Your soulmate feels like a stranger. Another sign is that the narcissist will use their favorite toy a lot more in front of you. and also hide their favorite toy. Which is the smartphone. They will put the phone upside down on the table. Will never leave phone when leaving the room. When someone is calling the narcissist, he will not answer the phone when you are around. Because the narcissist will use the phone a lot more, you start to wonder why the narcissist can't answer your text messages and phone calls. But has no problem to answer others. The communication and sex will be a lot more off. It will be less and less. The sex will almost feel like rape on a dead body. The biggest sign is actually your guts. Always trust it. If you start to feel like the narcissist is cheating on you, trust that. And if the person really is a narcissist, you can be sure you are not the only one. A narcissist needs attention all the time. 24/7. So when you are not with each other, the narcissist will be with someone else. Either in real life or on internet. Always. If you need to find out about a cheating spouse; send a request to: Metaspyhub@gmail. com
This is the motivation that led me to do something inappropriate, something out of character for me. I can't ever take it back. Thank you for addressing this, Dr. Ramani.
Yes!! This happened to me. With every drop of proof that would earn a conviction by a jury, he still denied it. He tried to twist it around to make me feel crazy. The only thing that saved my sanity was the proof. If I didnât have that, I think I would have truly started to doubt my own sanity.
I took down my ex narc and heâs still reeling. When I moved out after our 6 year relationship, I sent an email to the 2 side chicks (who didnât know about one another) ...one got him fired from his high powered law firm. I then sent his brother and sister an email as well as all to of his cousins as to what a true POS he is with ALL of the evidence. Yeah heâs pissed. And I feel great!
đđđđđđđ
"Darling, Thank you for showing me this. Now I'm going to dig deep and find my empathy." Nailed it! Thanks for the comedy!
With all of Dr Ramani's educational videos, I'm surprised there's any supply left. Maybe that's why the world is in so much chaos now... All the narcs losing it!!
So true. Once you value yourself & being in a positive situation & headspace, just walk away, it doesn't matter if you know for sure they cheated or not - they were a negative presence in your life & you choose better now.
After being with a narcissist, they make us feel crazy and like we are imagining things, so to get proof is validation to our feelings, something that rarely occurs, so, its an important part of closure, which can spur leaving the relationship and realizing we are not crazy. I needed proof, I got it and I left and never looked back. Understand, when living this, validation and proof is the most important thing that can lead to freedomâ€đđ€·ââïž
I don't get how hard it is to identify with the person you abuse, especially when you are the one speaking about it... I know it's ego, but damn! Does the ego not have an ego checker as well? Like where does this go for them? It's like..
karlo ponte It's a crazy relationship to be in. Things that are abnormal in the beginning become normal to absued people, the boundaries diminish, we start to believe we might be imagining things, they make our world what they need it to be to keep and control us, I am meaning me as an abuse victim. It quit hurting and became anger. That's when searching began. I found plenty. I was able to leave and not look back because proof is solid, suspicions are not. Four years free and no desire to date, I am in peace everyday, ahhhhh feels so good!đâ€
How did you find the truth
They are trolls đ narcissists are trolls in everyday language people. They'll try to lower your standards by getting under your skin. Which is very common behaviour for insecure people who believe they can outdo other people's performance, only bring them down. And everything they do is to get your undivided attention, don't give it to them
Dr. Ramani, the aspect I think that was missed in this video is that people who are in a narcissistically abusive relationship find it so important to catch their partner in their lies or cheating or whatever it is because maybe they are wrong. Like you said, the abuser is so good at lying. So good at becoming contrite and apologetic right when their partner has had enough. And so if the partner had proof that the abuser did do or was doing these things....Hard evidence is hard to deny but it isnât hard to deny the red flags our intuition is waving in our faces.
I needed the proof (text exchanges between narc & other women) to know that I wasnât crazy. His constant gaslighting (âsheâs just a client, youâre insecureâ, etc) wore me down. I finally got the proof, printed the texts, and blocked him. Best thing about having proof in print is that when he tries to Hoover, I warn him that I will have a chat with one of the other ladiesâ husband. He backs off quick. I have the upper hand and it works every time. Been no contact for 6 months and my life is so much better. Thank you, Dr. Ramani; you are a lifesaver!
Dear Dr Ramani, can you please teach us about the Narcissist hero/savior/helper. Can you please teach us about this type that is impossible to notice/detect until you say no to their help, try to question their help, or tell them to stop acting as your protector. Please teach us more about this type! Thank you đ!
Why is it important to catch, or better demonstrate narcissistic lies? Because otherwise, others believe lies and lynch mobs do not come from nowhere.
@Ms. Buschhorn awesome đ
Ms. Buschhorn well done! Feels good, doesnât it?
Its so weird..because people who love you or at least SAY that....believe the narcissist!! Its like they don't KNOW me anymore! Its that important to protect the narcissist!
@@jaydeecee1643: Well, you might have an other narcissist in your family(?) that does immediately team up to get you down. And others fall for it and then can not admit their error. Sadly sometimes love is insufficient if it is not accompanied with the consistent behavior.
What's a lynch mob?
For me, to find the lies WERE lies. Gave me truth, that my suspicions were correct. Now the ground I stood upon was firm. It gave structure to the decision I were to make for the rest of my life. That it wasn't me that was causing the insanity & kaos that was called my life. Any interaction was all smoke and mirrors, knowing this empowered me to move on and not only have a full enriched life but to grow. I had to be able to blossom and bring on a new generation of empowered ppl.
Exactly, I was literally called paranoid once that person run out of weak arguments and deflections. When all I did was citing their own words (emotional threats and blackmail) back to them and asking what they meant to counter their gaslighting. It truly is a pointless task, they have an answer for everything, and when they don't, they turn back to agression or threats. It's despicable, no contact is the only healthy way.
"Internet is a dark place so be carefull". Indeed. Dr. Ramani in 2020.
Even if you do by some chance catch them.... they will flip it to where you still take the hit! They're great at deflection!
Haven't watched it fully yet but man this is speaking to my soul right now. Last night I was with one of my narc parents and I felt like they were gaslighting me the whole night after I came home from work. I wanted to call them out so bad and let them know I know what your doing and I'm not about to let you feed off of my stress and discomfort anymore. But thank god I took a breather and thought about what the end result would add up to if I respond. Instead of talking about it I decided to just be about it and keep my inner peace so I put on my earphones, made my dinner and queitly exited the conversation. Thanks Dr. Ramani I really thought everything was my fault for so long but pulling away has allowed me to see I'm not crazy and to trust my self wholeheartedly and trust my instinct.
Not what you need after a day of work! No actually you "can't" even relax in your own home đĄ, then they wonder why so many teenagers walk the streets! What kind of mental illness occurs when one can't even relax around one's parents? Everywhere else but there? Always going around with the ends of your hairs on edge, testing to see which way the wind is blowing yet the breeze's human made!?
Try to move out as soon as possible. czcams.com/video/pytn-DghN7Q/video.html
I remember years and years ago, a wise old Indian biker, âPapa Bearâ said to me, âhe guilty, you already know that. He isnât going to get more guilty.â In reference to his lies and betrayal etc etc.Temporarily that made the most sense to me to stop wasting my time than what anyone else could say.
Narcissists don't change. Thank you Dr. Ramani for saying it.
The problem is that normal people think anybody who realizes they're causing pain would want to change. At least they would try to improve in some way. That's our main naivety, we would do it, we would try anything to improve with all our heart. Understanding that they won't change is the key.
Yet the first time I came across this key statement was exactly in one of those fraudolent ads. I never thought of his evil behaviour as perpetuated on purpose. The strange ad opened my eyes and that's how I started reading about narcissisim. I never responded to the ad. I found out plenty of evidence by myself...maybe a lot of people already knew about his serial cheating behind my back (and some had an idea also about the huge financial exploitation that was going on). But the people who knew were also ready to gaslight me in order to keep peace in the family. As soon as I found evidence I packed all his stuff out of my house.
I am so saddened that my granddaughter is caught up in this with her narc father and there is nothing I can do to help her. Her mother will not accept the fact that her husband is a toxic person. It is like a hopeless situation. And of course it is always the children that suffer the most.
I love how articulate you are and how you have a gift to kindly speak the truth to victims. I admire your candor and hope I can learn that delicate balance of words and truth without coming across as offensive. Thank YOU as always. đđ
Yes!!!!! This is so important bc knowing and having faith in yourself is important, but seeing is like I was right! No wonder my self esteem was in the gutter. I feel relieved of the guilt of not being more even though I feel strong. They confirmed my suspicions and I wasnât crazy and my old confidence wasnât arrogance.
Dr. Ramani, I can understand not ruminating or driving yourself insane trying to expose the lies of the narc. But on the other hand....finding out that our instincts are correct will hopefully deter us from ignoring our gut and make allowances for our 6th sense when we know we must cut bait and run. Thank you again for all your great videos!
Catching in their lies and getting documentation is definitely helpful in a divorce.
I've been needing this video for a while. Thank you Dr Ramani!
Me also
Me too.
My favorite is during an emotional tirade, just start recording. It's amazing how quickly they change their behavior
Dr. Ramani... You have NPD down to a science. This is a perfect, accurate description of what it's like being in a relationship with a cluster B disordered person. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
I took down a narc without resorting to anything illegal. Just got a good memory for the things people say and I reported them back to the flying monkeys. Knew some of it had to stick, because there was no other source for this very personal information than the narc. I gotta tell ya! It was immensely satisfying and narc ex friend has never fully recovered.
This is the most heartbreaking part of narcissistic abuse in my case.
The narcissist made me feel like anything he was doing wrong paled in comparison to my not trusting him. Made me feel like a terrible person for trusting my intuition (which in the end was SPOT ON, other than the parts of him I was blind to like the sexual coercion and putting the blame of everything on all of his exâs).
Thank you for talking about these important and seemingly universal experiences. I hope that this helps people to avoid these traps altogether.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like flying with broken instruments. Can't trust them.
20 plus years of dealing with this⊠people in my boat more than likely donât even know what it feels like to be truly loved. Iâm a 48 year old married man that has been dealing with this since 1999. I am wore out. This video is so spot on.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! My dad is a narcissist and your videos have helped me to begin to shift my thinking and take back my sense of self and reality. He absolutely refuses to take responsibility or to acknowledge the harm he has done to our family, instead he attacks and discredits anyone who questions him. The messed up thing is I thought we had a normal family my whole life. I am 30 now and I am going no contact and regaining a sense of myself. It is so hard but I am so gratefully for your videos and the community of people. I do not feel alone anymore.
Tracking and 'calling-out a narcissist can be a dangerous game = give it up.
Thank You Dr Ramani! This subject was very well illustrated
I had to turn into Columbo. All it took was patience then all skeletons came out. Dr. Ramani you're right even when I found out the truth I still didn't leave
Partly because you want others to know how they are. I knew a narcissist that after a few glasses of wine, bragged that it was easy for her to cry, if it was needed to make a lie believable.
Thank you for this. Iâm so tired of being lied to. I find myself looking for the big moment when I catch him in cheating. That is my final realization of my truth.
Hi Dr Ramani, Hope Your Doing Well..?? This is the most moving video you've had & I'm actually in tears because I'm doing exactly what you're telling me not to do and I agree with you. I've got proof I have copies I can confront him like I did over the last 3 years but what good will it do. So the final decision is getting on with my life and going back to my home where my family is two and a half hours away. I keep waiting for change it's never going to happen, it's disappointing, very sad, but NEVER going to happen. So I want to Thank You with ALL My Heart & Soul for the Advice, Knowledge & Especially Your Thoughtful Compassion for Each One of Us going thru this.. I will continue to watch the videos after I move bc next is Healing.. Most of all Thank You for helping me Understand something (Narcissism/Narcissist) that in My Life I've Never even knew existed........ đ„đđč
My thoughts before watching the video:
-to hopefully make them more self aware
-to feel better about ourselves (when it's petty)
-to guilt trip them
-to bring them down so we can rise up, we're often insecure, it ain't just them
Ever since I caught them the narc & their flying ms they have been slandering my character .