Lessons I've Learned from the People Who Don't Like Me | Nichole Myles | TEDxWhitePointGardensWomen
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- čas přidán 23. 01. 2020
- Being nice because it's expected, isn't what the focus should be; rather, being true to oneself and daring to be unlikable is the way. Community activist and nonprofit executive, Nichole Myles shows us why we need to be brave and unlikable. Nichole Myles is a solo mom of 3 children and Executive Director of the Children’s Museum of the Lowcountry who will tell her personal story of unlikability. "We have all been in situations where we've been told to 'tone down' or set aside an essential part of ourselves so that others can be comfortable. We politely call this 'likability' but it is really an attempt - too often successful - to change us. Rather than showing women how to ignore those words, how to overcome them or avoid them, I am encouraging women to run toward their 'unlikable' descriptors and use them to find within themselves their hidden superpowers." This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
People stopped pretending to like me when I started simply taking care of myself emotionally & spiritually. Then instead of participating in gossip; I began to listen and offer prayer. Strangely I now have only 2 friends.
This is crazy because i have been going through the same thing. When I began focusing on me and being more authentic about how i truly feel about things people began to turn away. In a sense im glad because it only shows you who your true friends are.
At least you have friends. I never had one
@@mariellafeliciano9060 I'm so sorry about that.
@@mariellafeliciano9060, you aren't missing much. Maybe you'll find one true friend.
I want to congratulate you because you filtered the people around you and you achieve to live without pleasing people and find the people who really like you in your worst and in your best
The only person who has to like me, is me.
very true mark
Man that is right
100%
These same tactics are used against men. In my late 40's I was told by my late 20's boss the office staff (women in their early 20's) did not like me. I was too serious and focused only on company goals rather than attempting to build relationships with them. I was warned I should be more likable if I ever wanted to be promoted. I now own my business.
Love this, thank you. People are just devils in angel's clothing!
That's wonderful, congratulations!
Yessir
I know this feeling, I look at people I believe are looking at me and judging me, my mind goes crazy and I wonder why they dont like me.
That is unfortunate for you friend. I do hope you get past that, we were never meant to be liked by everyone.
Robert Noble....I just learned to accept it. It is hard because I truly like people and company. I just got tired of asking myself why they did not like me.
I think many people are actually walking around feeling the same. Then there are people that are liked by many and are still lonley. Look at Robin Williams. The best thing is to be yourself. Learn to be by yourself. And learn to like yourself:)
We try to make ourselves small, in fear that people won't like us, but the truth is, those who force us to fit into their comfortability never liked who we truly are, to begin with. Why not work on being ourselves.
Thank you for this one. It made me feel belonged to something. Thank you. May we all find ourselves in thr right manner.
"Made myself smaller" oh do I know this, done it most my life!
I'm glad that hit home, Rupert. Too many of us do it, too often. I hope that you remember to feel empowered to take up your own space going forward!
I don’t care what people think of me… especially if they haven’t taken the time to get to _really_ know me.
Most women my age don't care for me. I have my act together and just keep some acquaintances and am pretty happy. People make a snap decision and don't even try to get to know someone to see if they are right or wrong
This is my daughter, my hero. The strongest kindest most tenacious woman I know. Heed her message. She is a wise warrior.
She's blessed to have you and your support.
I have always been a person that spoke my mine, a lot of people would tell me be quiet, don't say anything etc, but I still spoke my mine. I don't care what others think of me that's there problem, I have made up my mind to be myself and embrace who I am. And I like myself and i like being different.
I have never been a follower, I have never followed the crowd. I 'm a leader.
People don't like me because I do what I want and have the freedom to march to the beat of my own drum. I am nice, but not even close to being a doormat. I am not leader but also not a follower
Oh this is me, striving so much for validation, thank you Nichole!
You are enough just as you are, Ann. Don't change!
After emptying my bank accounts twice trying to make my wife happy, I forced her into marriage counseling. After exposing a lot of red flags I refused to go back to the house with her. She filed a restraining order soon after. Marriage counseling 4 meetings, No contact for 2 weeks, restraining order and we were off to the legal races.
I was having this conversation with my daughter the other day, reminding her that being liked doesn't always bring happiness. She said I wouldn't understand because I'm a guy. You have no idea how pleased I am to have come across this now! Sending to her now. One of the best ted talks I've ever seen!!
This definitely hit a few heart strings. I think there are a lot of us who didn't fit in at school or at work who will feel this on many levels. I watched my little sister get the brunt of it from our folks - constantly told she was too loud, too opinionated - she always had something to say, a question to ask, incredibly curious and just wanted to make connections, but no one ever had the time to hear her out. Told her to be quiet a lot, to play by herself, to calm down, to not be so sensitive. I did my best to have her back but I am convinced the lack of encouragement in her life has lead to her mental health issues. This talk was really awesome and I'm going to send it to her, I think it'll give her some hope. Thank you.
What a difficult journey your sister has been on. And I'm sure it was difficult for you to watch as well. I hope that seeing this talk will let you both know that it's ok to be ourselves and that there are so many great abilities in those traits she was told to tone down. Good luck to you both!
your sister is lucky to have you
This is my experience. I teach highschool English and I get it on both ends, from my students and the adults. They don’t value or respect my curiosity and desire to publicly contemplate and connect.
You’ve described me and how I think my brother would describe it , as a sister and I’m currently going through mental problems thank you for looking out for her
Authenticity over validation people.
My husband is 20 years older than me - we have been married for 19 years and have a 15 year old son. As a family we have always had problems making friends or being accepted by all sorts of groups, neighbors, churches, teachers, doctor’s offices, etc. - our son has also problems making friends. I am the first target when we go to any gathering other than those with close family. People are usually suspicious and judgmental of me. It is all very sad and I came to a point of becoming convinced having friends was not for us and that I had to accept us being singled out because we chose to marry each other. My husband by the way was divorced long before he ever met me and our son is his only son. Being ‘ disliked’ or ‘unlikable’ is a constant in my life…
It's ok. You don't need fake people anyways
The same happened to me every time. Every time I wonder why.
Maybe it's all about getting to the point that you don't need to ask anyone who you are?
I think that's very accurate, Kayla! And, I think we can change our language so that we hear those affirmations early in our lives and develop that confidence from the beginning instead of having to rebuild it later.
now that is true!
dont worry what they say?
or the point is, only see yourself
and that is the point isn't it?
Why has this got so few views, this is really good! I have spent a lifetime trying to be likeable.
Thank you for sending me this Chelsea, oh it did hit home for me too!!!
Thanks also Chelsea, love this TED
Great CS!!
Thank you so much, Chelsea. I think we've all had these struggles and I hope my talk encourages you to be YOU first and likable second. Best wishes!
Thank god it was found by someone? It hasnt got little now?
I've never concerned myself with being liked, I had a good lesson on the behaviour of people as a child of 5 years. Never mind what people say, keep an eye on their behaviour..
Very wise, Carolanne. Many people could learn from your childhood lesson - for some us, the challenge is lifelong. Thank you for watching!
Well, if you have friends and you have a good relationship with siblings, cousins, and healthy children, I suppose you wouldn't concern yourself with it. If you don't have those blessings and you're not concerned with it, then you must have very thick skin. Good for you!
i cannot agree with you more ,i am not likable since i was in college because i am really ambitious ,but who cares about those who do not favor me . what i need to do is to focus on myself and keep going
My ex cheating husband told me no one likes me and that has made a home in my spirit for years. During this COVID-19 experience my spirit is beginning to shift after too many years to count.
Girl, accept it and live your best life alone. You don’t need anyones acceptance. If they hate you they should just leave you alone! 🤥
I love that, being likeable isn't superior to be anything else I am!!!
Thank you, Lucy. We are all so much more than what people might 'like' about us. Glad that resonated with you!
Thanks for sending to me Lucy!
@@nicholemyles6139 yes we are, lovely talk Nichole!
@@joanguckel Thank you!
I have hope then!!
woah! I recognize that Rainbow Row 😎 Didn’t know my own city had Ted events!
Her kids have such an amazing role model. Excellent talk. Such amazing energy.
Thank you so much for your comment! We all need that boost from time to time. I hope the talk inspired you.
was thinking this exactly!
When do we care about our own comfort? When do we just worry about how we see ourself and not how others see us?
such a great talk, I feel her pain.
Until we learn to ignore those voices that we think are telling us to listen to words never spoken and only imagined, we will always be slaves to fear.
So relevant! I love this message. We often let likability get in the way of much more important things like making positive change in the world.
Let’s go unlikable together🎉🎉🎉🎉perfect speech. I needed this so much
Sit small, don't make it an issue. Be a good girl. Thanks for this talk Nichole.
You're welcome Jackie. I can't wait to see more of us break these kinds of rules!
@@nicholemyles6139 thanks Nichole, yes we are rule breakers now...
I've been told I'm difficult, bossy, demanding, too loud, too opinionated... Have I acted any differently from my male colleagues? Definitely not. There have always been such double standards in the business world, stereotypes left right and center. It's so refreshing to see conversations like this being had. What a fabulous woman!
I was told I had to wear more makeup to appeal to the male leaders in my company 😮❤
One of the more helpful talks out there, I respect the journey and the perspective here. Sharing with my 5 sisters, feel like they would get a bit more out of this.
“Sometimes, being true to yourself means changing your mind. Self changes, and you follow.”
― Vera Nazarian
I'd like to know where along the line in history that women had to be seen as 'likable', it's fairly clear to see that femininity directly lines up with unwavering resilience, strength and rawness. I loved this woman's talk more than I can put to words right now, but so grateful for it.
Janet, that is so insightful and put so well. I'm glad you enjoyed the talk but also so happy to read your reaction. Thank you!
Isn't that the truth! All the women in my life have been the strongest humans I no.
As a cis man, I respect this comment a lot. It's really quite true, women go through more in their live time... The resilience is pretty awe-inspiring.
shall we thank the patriarchy?
Now more than ever we need to speak freely and transparently. There are so many inequalities in this world, it will be those who say it like it is, rather than people pleasing, that will make the difference we so desperately need!
Agreed! Her talk is really so fabulous, for us Dreamers there is so much more to it then just the words she is saying. Fabulous lady!
WOW! How true! Great talk Nichole.
Thanks, Alex. I appreciate you watching!
I was looking for someone to say these… these came from my heart as well
All the don'ts about being a smart girl and being a woman. Just be a little less and people will like you more. Great talk.
Appreciate your feedback and I'm so glad you enjoyed the talk!
@@nicholemyles6139 It was very wise and very well put together Nichole, thank you for replying.
Way to go Nichole. Way to go.
Thank you! Very powerful
What a rad lady!! I have a few friends who need to see this. Sharing!
Wow - thank you, Bryan! I hope it resonates with your friends.
Dude, thank you! Marissa is going to get a lot from this.
Wonderful message!❤
When I focus at work my face looks intimidating. I have been told by my boss and a few customers that I scare them. I’m not getting surgery to rearrange my face.
I do not apologize for delivering great work. If they don’t like that I don’t smile as much that’s on them.
I have sciatic nerve pain and dry eye syndrome. I have been told the same thing about my facial expression. Then, when I make a concerted effort to have a friendly expression, through the pain, people tell me I look confused! Hahahaha! I can not win!
Bravo, well said and so right.
Thank you, Dana! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you 🥰🎉.
IMO - It's strange how when men are verbally aggressive, narcissistic, physically bulling, as well as sometimes exhibiting sociopathic tendencies, they are rewarded. I am glad younger women are speaking up, and taking care of themselves in all ways.
If you knew the truth you know know that this woman Divorced her first husband rushed her second husband into a home purchase, Rushed him into a wedding, demanded he give her a child. When she had him neck deep in financial obligations she left marriage counseling after three meetings and filed a restraining order. Then she demanded Mortgage payments, Child Support and Alimony. Thankful the husband won a very expensive court battle out manuvered this woman in court and won his life back. She tried to take advantage of a good man's financial resources and in the end she lost. It was all about money. She is very manipulative and very dishonest. That is to say she is a liar and she is lying to you. If you knew the truth you know know I was right.
IMO - Very interesting. What are your sources for this information? Can I read about it on line? Thanks for some suggestions in advance.
@@butterflygirl2285 The house purchase, The wedding, The baby, then the Garage Remodel. It was all about money and taking advantage of a man that was trying to make her happy.
Brilliant Talk!!!!!!
You are so kind, Jacqueline. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
That guy from work got me fired from my day job why is that……..bc I talk to myself whispers
I love this!!! ❤
Well said
I love this 💕
I'm glad you have overcome challenges and are doing well. However, putting nice on top of the list would hurt no one unless it's attached to something else. In your case, fear of not being liked or being nice in exchange for being liked. All those people were responding to the energy you were sending out. The bottom line that was your path for success, as we all have to suffer / struggle for one, two, three ... decades before we each realize our real / pure Self. We all are in this together.
Thanks for sharing. God bless❤
Hello, I just thought I would give you some additional details. This woman had 2 men that that were pretty good guys. Both had executive jobs. She dumped the first guy and garnished his wages for child support rather than try and work out the problems in the marriage. A second guy expressed interest in her even though she had 2 children. The second guy bought her a house, took on an entire family, paid for the wedding, paid off her debt, gave her the opportunity to enroll in masters classes for teaching, agreed to give her a third child. 7 months pregnant this woman began a campaign to force the 2nd husband out of the house. She is not a nice person.
@chipsdad5861 Thank you so much for helping me understand better. I believe life is not as serious as we think. Going through this process, God help them achieve exercising life beyond illusion.
There's only one goal for all of us; to wake up and see one another through the light.
God bless ❤️🙏
I am always surprised about how little people do think about me!
I hope this talk helped you find something empowering!
@@mylestogo5250 it was perfect, I hope you understood the meaning of my quote!
Great speech 👏👏👏
She got pregant so she could take advantage of a man financially. Just an FYI. She very much likes the victim role.
I was reading about imposter syndrome, thats me, this is me.
So many of us have it, Candy. I hope hearing other's stories, you realize that you aren't an imposter at all. Good luck and keep being YOU!
@@nicholemyles6139 I just saw this, thank you for writing me back Nichole, thats so kind. I am watching again now too, your talk is very good.
bravo
yup
Boy what a talk
I feel like both we have all been pigeon holed. Woman? You must be kind, nurturing, encouraging. Man? You must be strong, resilient, and stoic. And what happens when we don't fit these molds, we get a bunch of people questioning the make of their body, attempting to grasp onto some sort of identity. This lady really got my brain reeling, in all the good ways! I'll be sharing this in a few groups.
And I am so grateful that you did Pat!
Oh this could have been this speaker, talking just about me, I get every word she said.
It is so many of us Elise. I am glad it spoke to you and I hope you enjoyed it, too!
❤
Yes supervision so I won’t anymore pls bc if my man leaves me bc this random guy on my gm street in the first building that goes outside every morning ima knock on his door all 24/7 hours of the day 😭🗣 yall it was Azi parallel again. He doesn’t understand rejection so he tris in other ways
Oh this is me, needed to hear this so bad, thank you Nichole!
I think most of us need these reminders and I'm so glad I could help, Suzy!
@@nicholemyles6139 and thank you for reminding me :)
If I was her I would have told my lawyer too bad I’m not here to be liked I’m here to protect myself
She got pregnant for money. She is mad because the guy managed to free himself from her. The allegations are her trying to martyr herself.
I love this talk. but I want to clarify something, this is not about a specific gender, it is about people who do different things or are different, are mistreated in some way either with rejection or indifference. no gender is being starred or antagonized here, just people with complicated lives
For the record, this women is pretending to be a victim. In reality, she lied for three years. She took advantage of a man that tried to make her happy. After taking advantage of him financially the final insult was convincing him to get her pegnant and then forcing the husband out of the house on false accusations of domestic violence. She wanted him commited to child support so she did not have to work. She is a liar and a fraud.
Round of applause
Boys all this sound familiar to me my whole life..
She is not a nice person. She destroyed a mans life and goals by lying to him and using marital law and child support laws to use a man for financial benefit. She was trying to set up a pension for herself so she could retire at 33. She failed in court but the battle destroyed the man.
No vice versa
I wonder what people would think if the knew the truth about how the police ended up at your front door?
I’m done cheating at work . Aneikan akpan taught me you don’t get it yet . I taught you a lesson don’t get attached that i was you with aniekan lol
Linked add :/
You ain’t giving that man bough attention. Buy some clothes find some friends wake him up ………once and done that’ll be 500. Flattt
:)
I'm here because a pop up sent me here
Well, I'm happy to have you however you got here. Hope you got to listen to the talk and enjoyed it.
Bc they don’t know who the . Says little boy in house channeling woohoo he does me at tables to watch him do his work
OK, but I like her, so I guess she hasn't done such a great job of being unlikable :D jokes
There's something I dont like about her...
I can give you the back story on your channel. It is frustrating that she controls the narrative. Your instinct is correct.
SHE IS NO VICTIM, The worst mistake this guy made was surrendering financial control to Nichole. She was running up credit card debt while the guy was paying NIchole's car payment and the entire mortgage. The one time this guy asked for marital assets for an IRA contribution the guy had a restraining order on him within a week.