Positive Discipline Tips - When Your Child Refuses To Do What You Say - SJ STRUM
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- čas přidán 28. 08. 2024
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I love reading and learning positive parenting tips and ideas and found this one super helpful - let me know what you think below! SJ xx
Have always practiced gentle parenting, I didn’t know it had a name until a few years ago. My kids are 19 and 14 now and we’ve never really punished them or anything.
From very little I gave them a couple of choices so they always felt they had some control but I still had control also.
I’ve never shouted at my kids. I just never saw the need. Even at 14 if I say to my daughter “there’s no need for that” she looks so shocked because she knows that means I’m really annoyed.
We are not perfect at all. I’ve just found that because my kids have always had a fair amount of freedom and I’ve always picked my battles, I’ve found that when they really do resist something that it usually means they feel really strongly about it. When I’ve asked them why they don’t want to do something, I’ve found that the reason has been totally valid. That’s where, a bit like the gracious parenting, I will adjust things such as helping with something.
I’ve always found with bigger kids that they are more likely to help if everyone is doing tasks. If I were to ask my kids, when they were younger, to clean up their mess and I was on my phone or reading, then they wouldn’t want to. But if I said to them “ok I’m going to cleanup this mess I have made in the kitchen, I need you to please put your toys in the box” they’d be more likely to do it.
If they had friends over, I’d have all the kids tidy up together. It didn’t matter if things went in the right places as long as they were picked up.
Gentle parenting really does work. My kids make good choices and I think it is because they have always been encouraged to make decisions and have learned from them. I’d ask them if they wanted to put the LEGO away before dinner or after. They’d choose after and then realize that they wished they had done it before because once they had eaten they didn’t feel like doing it anymore. That would lead to a discussion and the next time I would be able to remind them of what happened previously and they’d learn from that.
My husband and I are not shouters by nature so the quiet parenting part has been easy. We’ve never felt tempted to smack our kids so that part has been easy. The hardest part was when they were little and i was tired and overwhelmed and the thought of sending them to their room or a time out was so tempting just to give myself a few minutes. I knew that most of the time the reason they were being disagreeable was my fault. Usually it was because I’d tried to do too many errands, I’d forgotten to pack snacks and they were hangry, I hadn’t spent enough time playing with them or reading to them, they hadn’t had enough outside time, they’d had too many things scheduled and were over tired.
Children don’t need much. They don’t need every new toy, a full schedule, their own iPad/TV. They need play time outside, a few quality toys they enjoy, focused attention from their parents, but also time to be bored. I think most parents make their job harder than it needs to be.
I’ve had to figure out a lot of this stuff along the way because I went to college to be a Nursery Nurse and Nanny and to do things a lot more like SuperNanny or the other TV Nannies. It wasn’t until I had my own children that I realized I didn’t like that approach at all.
Ann C I loved reading this. I’m a new mom of a 17 month old son and I have another on the way. Gentle parenting resonated with me since I was pregnant with my first and I realized that it was in line with my personality. I have experienced tremendous success with this approach with my toddler. He is kind, sweet, helpful, smart, and I know a lot of that is just his personality but I also know that a lot of that is because of the way I speak to him and act myself. Seeing kids as a whole person and not some robot that needs programming is a huge game changer in parenting. I often remind myself that if I can’t expect myself to react in a certain way all the time, how can I expect that of my children? We are all complex, even as children, and should be treated accordingly. Thank you for your insight from someone with older children. It’s so nice to hear successful parenting stories like yours. Everyone I know thinks I’m some weirdo hippie for my parenting approach.
Such great points! I have realised so much since having my own child too. in theory some approaches look like they make sense ie the naughty step but in reality it really doesn't help the child long term. It's great that you have learnt and grown and found your own way and direction with parenting and it really sounds like you have done a fantastic job! Love the examples you gave, will most definitely remember these. K x
Thank you Ann I love this
Mine are 19 and 12 and I raised my children on gentle parenting as well but did not know the name. It is crazy how much I have actually enjoyed parenting and how easy it became after I initatially put in the work. My kids want to help me out because we are on the same team. Yesterday I had an awful stomach bug,my 19 year old cancelled plans with his friends and him and his brother cleaned the house for me,made sure I was taken care of,etc they did not do this because I asked or demanded it but because they wanted to. I told my 19 year old son I felt bad he was missing out on plans with his friends and he said "it is no big deal,you do so much for me,helping you out one day when you are sick was the least I could do"
Thank you so much for sharing this experience. Very helpful to me as a new parent
I am not here just for the baby names SJ. These parenting videos are guru level to me. I love the light you share because parenting isn’t always easy and sometimes we don’t know how to respond. We all need guidance. Thank you!
It’s a small thing but we struggle with our 2 year old throwing anything he can get his hands on, so we really had to look at our own behaviour eg throwing the wipe packet in to the nappy box, throwing dirty clothes in to the laundry basket from a distance. All these tiny examples he really watched and thought it was okay so we have had to be super mindful and stop it as much as possible and it really has helped! We are also big on apologising when we are wrong, not only to be good role models but he deserves an apology even if he is 2 eg if we’ve raised our voice unnecessarily or been impatient. Love these videos- very helpful and insightful! X
I really love these videos SJ! Positive parenting us transformed my home, and I used it DAILY as a class teacher. Children want and need to be heard and loved, and we are their teachers. Modelling the behaviour we want to see is so crucial. I think graciousness is a fantastic value to teach our children. A lot of pinch points, such as tidying after a play date, can be predicted by us parents in advance, and forewarned is forearmed so you can approach it with a bit more graciousness as opposed to being caught out on the hop when you as a parent are tired and fed up too. You use the word ‘trust’ a lot when it comes to children - I think this is so important. We are so afraid of making a rod for our own back’s with our kids, and that by doing tasks for them we are spoiling them or teaching them to be lazy. It is not always the case - we shouldn’t be martyrs to our children, but as you say, spotlighting the fact that you know your child will help you next time, shows your child your expectation. As with many gentle methods, positive parenting is about playing the long game. You may have to spend more time tidying up, and they may not snap to your commands, but you will have a more well rounded child in the end. I believe that, at least!
HelloSamGoodbye Love Love Love this!! I could not have put it better myself! 👏😍
Ohhh I love this!!!!! I think this is parenting GOLD.
I cannot get enough of these videos. Thank you so much for taking the time to make these! I’m literally saving them all to come back to when I need a gentle reminder 😊
*If your child refuses to do as you say, ask them why and figure out a solution together(:* not obeying does NOT mean they need discipline or to be disciplined! You’re a great mum though and hope you’re all having a lovely day!
Love this! 🙌
Want to know what my 3 year old says in response to that question?: because I don't want to. Exactly what you'd expect a 3 year old to say. Wish the solution was that easy lol
Would love more videos on this topic in particular. I’m a new parent, and the more real life examples of these techniques, the easier it is to trust they will work. Thank you!
i like to give my children the option of picking their hard. lets use the homework as an example, choosing the hard of doing your homework or choosing the hard of not handing homework in and the consequences involved with that at school.
Graciousness... I'm up for the challenge. This method would've never occurred to me, so counter intuitive. Thanks.
Always interesting to hear about different ways of speaking to your children. It's difficult to know how a toddler is thinking sometimes. All day I've had "build a traffic jam (a VERY long queue of cars/trucks etc.) with me Mummy" and I know that's because my son needs my attention and also because he wants to have fun with me. I hate being a shouty Mummy so if there are different ways of tackling tantrums, then that's great!!!
I love this! You seem like the best mummy! I’m definitely going to try this going forward x
I love this modeling graciousness! I’m adding this to my bag of tips and tricks :) thanks for always having great ideas!
Ooh what a gorgeous shirt and earring combo! 😍
You’re such an Angel for this so many that spank said they reverted back to that when they hit this wall
These methods really resonated with me. And you look absolutely breathtaking in that outfit! Love those earrings.
practiced discipline with patience becomes so powerful that our efforts starts shining light upon the results which were earlier hard to even see!:)
I look forward to trying this. I love this series. Thanks for sharing
We are really passionate about positive and respectful parenting. We definitely aren't experts either but love learning and growing in this area. Yes I agree with this approach. If a child doesn't want to do something, there isn't any point in badgering them into doing it. I think trying to understand how they feel and understanding that they aren't always going to be cooperative or reasonable because they are children at the end of the day. I think we can sometimes forget that and expect the same from them as we would expect from an adult, which just isn't realistic at their stage of development. So glad to hear things approach is successful in your home. Sounds like you are doing amazing. Your vids are super positive. Thank you. K x
loving these videos, i cant wait for more! they are so helpful
I love this but I'd also be worried that they would end up seeing me as a push over
Hey SJ! I know this video is old-but we had a rough daycare drop off this morning with my 16.5 mos old refusing to take off his snow suit (he’s been starting daycare slowly until I’m back at work). At first I was confused what the thing was with the snowsuit since he also had a hard time taking it off at home but then this video helped remind me-aha it’s the connection that he’s missing! He’s needing the connection BEFORE his snowsuit is off! Tomorrow I will play with him for a bit at daycare (or tonight at home) before I take his snowsuit off if he’s having a hard time 👍🏻
That's a great idea . My oldest daughter is the one im tired or don't want to do anything. I agree about dinner . I make us sit as a family
Hey Sj I was wondering if you were still going to do the name game? I think you should, I loved it. also I love this video bc when I have kids in the future, I want to discipline like this so your a big inspiration to me😊
I’m going to try this! I really need some new technics x
Thank you for these videos wonderful to hear positive discipline in actual use it’s a very different way of doing things then how is was raised but makes so much sense Please keep making these -you are very relatable it’s great
I think this could even help with dealing with big people too, like spouses and coworkers. Most people want to cooperate when the other person is helpful and caring.
Wow, fascinating! Makes sense to me.
I love you and your mama advice but girl!! Where is my baby name Monday video lol!!
Thank you!!!!!!! God bless you!!!!!!
Love these videos please keep doing as many as you can!
I have found that since she started nursery, I have found my eldest is much more amenable and willing to cooperate with me. I like the idea of modelling graciousness. I end up tidying up for both of mine anyway! Haha! We play who can do it the fastest. My youngest will join in and help me and I’ve realised they both really enjoy helping me.
I think a friend should be expected to help pick up
This is an excellent series SJ - thank you.
I have started trying to implement positive discipline with my 25-month-old, who is an absolute powerhouse.
One issue I would love to hear your thoughts on is getting a toddler to sit in the high chair, my son outright refuses, and meal times have become a battle. He wants to sit on a regular chair, which I could be OK with, but every time I’ve let him do this, he will continually get down from the table.
Hi Laura. We also had this problem before I discovered Montessori. I found that my child wanted independence and didn't want to be restricted (she is super strong willed) so I purchased a toddler chair (a higher chair that pulls up to the table, that they can get in and out of, abit like the tripp trapp), this meant she could climb up and get down (with help) when she wanted which gave her the independence she wanted. As for them getting up and down all the time, I would just set boundaries such as 'we only eat at the table' and then put the food there and if he is hungry, he will come to the table since he knows that's where the food is. He may be just exercising his control by getting up and down and in and out, the novelty will probably wear off. I would also sit at the table with him and eat so he isn't alone and its more social, this may be something you already do. Anyway, hope this helps! K xx
Great video! It made me cringe a little bit to hear I have to tidy after my daughter, but it also got me thinking.
I love your parenting videos!
Love this
Me and my wife are new to gentle parenting is there any advice that you can give for new gentle parenting
Just be mindful that there might be a gap between the parenting style you were using before to the air ring style you want to use now. So if there are challenging behaviours with your children now you may have to address those first.
Hi sj I was wondering if you can do German baby names I love your channel💕
HELP! I need an actual example. We have an 8 yr old who ONLY eat peanut butter and jelly. Period. It’s causing health issues. If we find a food she will try once and enjoy, we have tried to mix it into the weeks meals. Just one day. But sometimes (most times) she refuses to eat it. We have done exactly what you mentioned and she will sit politely at the table with us and then 30 min later want a snack or her PB&J. She even offers to make it. While this is good, she is having health issues. It’s not an option to keep letting her only have the one food. Ideas?
This is so interessting😍👏 I'm definetly going to try it!
My question is what would you do if your child sat down on the sidewalk, or another place, refusing to come with you? I think I have tried everything from carrying child kicking and screaming to talking, whispering, negotiating and sitting beside child until it was ready to go..🙈😅😶🤔❤️
I feel your pain there ive done the same when my first ariana was 3 and 4 . Sometimes i bribed her it worked though . It wasnt worththe struggle of dragging her inside sometimes. Tell your child if they come in they can have or play with whatever they want for 1 hour . It does work
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 Have done that too, bribed with ice cream, extra screen time or basically anything I could think of😅
@@trinefostervold5783 sometimes you have to lolz
phantomvampyress shadowkissed is your name from the book series vampire academy by richelle mead? 😍 (off topic)
@@PHE4_ the shadowkissed part yes but the other was made when i was 18. I always loved vampires and my real name means white wave phantom fair so i used that and im a poet . That's how i put that all together. My favorite is the Sookie stack house novels which true blood is though.
This is very interesting!, I'm going to try the 'I'll help you' one with my son. It took him 2 hours to get dressed because it ended up being a massive battle of wills. What would you say if it came to the next time and they still refuse?, carry on with 'I'll help you'??.
My son goes to school everyday and does not do hood school work. He sits there in his chair and either talks to his friends, or just won’t do his school work. It’s specifically the tasks on the computer and there is zero way the school or my son are willing to budge. CAN ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME ?! I can’t allow my son to choose to do his class work later as he needs to learn to follow a schedule.
Hi!! How about when my child doesn’t like sharing her toys? She is ; years old and today she bit her bestie because he took her toy and she didn’t like it.
I have been modelling cleaning up my daughters toys for years, and im still waiting for her to clean up after herself 🤷♀️
What now?
Have you run into them repeatedly refusing because they believe you'll be gracious every time? I can see most kids feeling bad about expecting someone else to clean up every time but there are some little cunning ones out there who might think mom will do it every time 😆
Lolz that's my 10 going on 11 yr old . She's always like my leg hurts im tired lolz
My oldest daughter does that lolz also her stomach hurts everytime i tell her to clean up after herself . She was my only child so i did spoil her along with my parents lolz
This would be my worry too! If I offered to tidy up after my daughter she would be delighted and probably use it against me the next time saying well you tidied last time for me! Interesting and maybe worth a try but not sure it would work in my house hols
@@Dharxxx yes I take notes on all her gebtle parenting videos and agree they are worth a try but I'm curious what the remedy is if this one backfires in certain areas.
Gentle parenting cannot backfire. As it is alongside responsibility. Children have rights and responsibilities like everyone else. They naturally want to help and be part of a pack and not be left out just like every other animal
I love your videos!!
More!
How would you apply this to a 2.5 yr old that stalls bedtime. We start her routine after dinner and do a bath, read books, sing songs. Usually this is enough to get her to sleep but lately it’s been a battle to keep her in her bed. Her 7pm bedtime has progressively gotten later and later. She asks for one more book, more water, a snack, saying good night to all her toys.. it’s gotten excessive 😆
Amanda F I heard someone talk about this recently. They said they set realistic consequences for situations like this. Such as “bedtime is in ten minutes. If we don’t get your pajamas on and teeth brushed soon we won’t have time for all of the books you want to read.” Just as an example. Like here are the things we need to do before bed (bath, teeth, pajamas, etc) vs the things we like to do before bed (songs, books, etc) and if we take too much time dilly dallying then we will have to skip one of the other things. It’s a gentle, non punishing way to set the timeline and expectations and the natural consequences that come with running behind on something just as we would experience in our adult world. I don’t know if this helps with your exact situation but maybe you can get some ideas from this approach.
I agree with the commenter below, also routine cards can help, you could get your daughter to lay out cards that say what is going to happen next, then get her to check at each step what is coming up next. Also getting a Time Timer and asking your daughter to set it can help, that way when time is up, the responsibility is on the timer, not you, if you get what I mean? Also with toileting, needing a drink or snacks, you can give them 1 pass card, that means they can ask for one call back for a drink/snack, but after that no more. Obviously within reason, if you’re comfortable they’ve had enough to eat/drink!
Start earlier. (If you can) Maybe it’s her favourite time of day. Agree 5 stories a night. Always have water in a bottle there. Start reading the stories at 6.30 latest
Amanda F i agree with all the other comments. They may help. Also look into why she is not tired. She may need more stimulation during the day to exhaust her for bed time or she may need a diet check or it may be just because she’s growing and wanting to explore more 😊
ok fantastic video but it’s monday & it’s not a baby name list...
pls post more baby name mondays
It would be funny if your last name started with a "W" so you would be Sj W. Lol