12 Passive Aggressive Tactics Covert Narcissists Love To Use
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- čas přidán 27. 07. 2024
- Covert narcissists are defined by the "skill" of trying to appear normal even as they maintain all the primary ingredients of the narcissistic pattern. Along with their conniving schemes, they commonly disguise their anger with passive aggressive behaviors. Dr. Les Carter points out 12 of their most common tactics, and as you become aware of their motives, you will be positioned to move away from their snares.
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The frustrating thing is trying to explain to friends and family what's going on; they fall for the covert's dishonest narrative and wild-horses can't get them to discern the truth!
It drives away people who we really need to stay with us.
One way to explain it is to say that they are only like this to people they are trying to control, msinly intimate partners. My bf doesn't need to control my mum so he's charming to her, as he is to work colleagues. What they do is try to break you down to rebuild you in their mould so why would they bother to do that to someone they don't want to control...they wouldn't!
Don't worry about that. So what you need to extricate yourself no matter what!
Stay away from all of them. I have barely spoken with my mum in five years ,yet the word out is that WE fight constantly. Lol. Funny but not.
@@kimsylvia5341 my mom is the threatening type! She'll cut you out of her life or will when you push back on the control and hypocrisy. She tried and still does to turn the children/people on my father even after his death to this day and she divorced him 36 years ago and claims she had a fabulous life with her other husband 🤬
12 Passive Agressive Tactics
1) non-cooperation/procrastination
2) "forget" to help after offering to help
3) "forget" having talked about issue
4) manipulate through loaded questions
5) play the victim role
6) smear campaign (triangulation)
7) back-handed compliments
8) excluding you from events/gatherings
9) ignore you and act innocent
10) critical with moral high ground act
11) silent treatment
12) acting nice while having contempt
EXCELLENT ANALYSIS. Love Anna❤️
Thanks for posting them so I could get a screen shot to keep!
3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10 - used on me this past weekend by my sister... fun times. LOL
Thanks for commenting this; these are always helpful for me :D
Thanks for the list!
Overt narcissists are so much easier to deal with because everything is out In the open. Covert narcissists are pretending to be something they're not, and more often than not, they are very good at playing that part. Humble, low key, caring etc. They are great actors, and sadly they often believe their own bullshit.
Mom did genealogy to boost her low self esteem while codependent to my narcissistic father. She enjoys belonging to DAR and Mayflower Society, etc where she can hobnob with others and pretend her life was great. She commits to projects because she cannot say no, and then dumps the work onto her less favorite daughters; even volunteering us for leadership roles when nobody will run for president, etc. Not that she would have done it herself, she rides on my accomplishments and claims they supported me thru college and professional grad school. They did not. Some people live in a fantasy world and rewrite their own history. disgusts me.
So this is the part that I have a hard time wrapping my head around regarding narcissists. Are they great actors OR are they believing their own bullshit? If they actually believe what they are saying then they believe they are good and believe they care though the facts don't line up then they aren't actors. Are they evil or so deeply wounded that they really do believe that they are the victims in all cases? I've had the unfortunate situation of having two narcissistic bosses both made life hell. The second really believed that everyone was out to get him that 'everyone else was bullying him', and couldn't see that in fact he was the bully in every one of his life relationships. No matter what you say to him you must have had some sort of ulterior motive. Is there a way to help these people by going to the root of their self-hatred and insecurities? It seems like a long journey but in my experience, they do bad things without realizing that they are bad people.
@@calvinfinney5083 I have a hard time wrapping my head around it too. But dont be fooled. Many of them know exactly what theyre doing. They just pretend that they dont.
True. It is probable thar coverts narcs make more harm and pain, than overts narcs. I just wonder, what how does it feel to came from normal and not narcissistic families. I came from two narcissicist families of origin, and had the bad luck of come to live with my wife and kids, in the same city where life ones of the most narccisistic relatives of my mother´s family.
Spot on.
Their silent treatment used to break my heart ...but now....I just THANK GOD for it ....lol
I love it when mean people think they will punish me by not talking to me.
Yeeesssss!!! Punish Me by NOT SPEAKING TO ME! HAHA HAHA HAHA....So Fantastic:-)
@@catrinaskinny3182 lmbo
Older & wiser 😂😂😂
😂yes that’s a blessing when they don’t talk or grace you with their presence. Yay!!!🎉😂
One of the worst types of narcissists is the covert one. This person may look very charming, friendly, sophisticated, helpful and so on, but in fact these people are the most deceiving, hateful, emotionally flat, insensitive and the list goes on and on. If we cannot get rid of them immediately, we should at least ignore them and not play their games. Then whenever we can we should get away from them for good. These are evil creatures!
Yes, I do agree. The covers, or 'vulnerable' narcisistas are far more dangerous than the obvious ones, (over narcissist). As you all know, the over narcissist are quite obvious... They don't even care to hide. 👆💪😊💕
But to others who haven't seen their cruelty, they are poor hard done by victims of abuse. They are the best actors.
Amen to that
They are highly selfish and when you bring it to their attention they will say well you didn't say anything so I thought you were ok. What good hearted person can believe what they did or said would not hurt someone? Also don't tell them anything about your life. Just don't talk to them at all.
🌟 yes 🌟
🌟
What is so aggravating is their lack of communication and fear of confrontation. There are so many guessing games with these people. Sometimes maybe I sense that I did, or said, something they don't like, but when I ask them if I did something that bothered them they act like everything's fine. In actuality, they want me to continue the behavior so they have something they can secretly hold over me that I do "wrong." It gives them an illusion of moral superiority. These are the only people I know who smile when they're angry.
This is something I have experienced. MIL has said that “everyone” is mad at me. So I reached out to each of these people that are all mad at me but haven’t had a response from any of them. We are all adults. Why would my MIL have such insight on my relationships and I have apparently none? Smear campaign is on and nobody is communicating. But, it’s a realization that these aren’t my people and never will be, even if I believed they were preciously. Moving on and not looking back. It’s been peaceful. So I can empathize with your comment about asking if there is a problem and getting no answers. (My MIL has shown us high narc tendencies, so learning about narcissistic traits is very eye opening)
YES ! THIS . Can never have a normal adult conversation about anything of personal importance . Won't tell me if something is bothering him , I just get the aloofness and subtle contempt in his voice . Until he would rage and then it would all come out in a very vicious way. Just so childish
The I
Lesion of moral superiority is a perfect example of a covert narcissist. And when you pull back or fight back they are manipulative as hell! It is truely horrible dealing with this kind of person, let alone trying to raise a family with them.
Or, they rarely if ever get angry but they do get even
Thank you for sharing that 😲. I so relate and insightful to hear someone else relay back something I went through I picked up but needed it to hear pointed out to validate myself, that that too was a narcissist thing. And you explained it so well. Thanks, one less tick in the box that I'm not that crazy, and less to second guess in self blame. Some comments can just be as much as a gold mine as some videos. Thanks
“The noblest kind of retribution is not to become like your enemy” - Marcus Aurelius
Thank You 🙏 and God Bless You! 💗🫶🏻
yes.
Yes !!!!! Although that has always been my goal, I did
Internalize traits& behaviors during life and ended up hurting my 2 precious daughters feelings and was not the Mother , I deeply wanted to be for them.
I was not mature enough
& did not know back then
what my parents were.
My girls are estranged, & have hurts, caused by me,
while raising them, not meaning to behave anything like my parents.
@@user-wz4bz2fn6sbless you❤️. I hope that things sort themselves out eventually. I also had a lot of traits that were picked up from my role model and it took me such a long time to become emotionally mature. My mum is 84 and has learned nothing. I know it must be so difficult to explain to your daughters what happened because it’s all so complicated and people don’t understand x
So true, run from these people. If you find yourself watching videos trying to figure them out it’s not worth it.
A friend that frustrates me to no end....do I need her in my life? When she pulled a classic gas light effect on me, instead of getting mad or hurt, I remembered how good it feels to love myself warts and all. I told her that I have my share of flaws and faults and I work on them to be the best version of me I can be. You have a negative effect on this process and I believe we need to part friends, I wish you well. As I walk away she became belligerent and vocal but I left without acknowledging her. you cannot have a positive life surrounded by negative people. You don't need to point out their flaws they already don't want to see them.
The rolling of the eyes, in my opinion is a dead giveaway that the creature believes it is greater than you and you are just not worthy of anything.
My wife does it all the time, I've been known to ask if she might find her brain back there
@@mrchildgrownold3852 LOL 😆 😂 🤣 thanks, that's a good one, I'll remember that 😄
And the laugh… Smirk! How dismissive.
Another dead give away , is them playing their extremely arrogant queer people games
I had a “friend” who did rolled her eyes and waved her hand when I talked. I didn’t realize that she just dismissed me in the eyes of other people. Showed her disdain openly. This fiend is a lonely person with a trail of past friends behind her. Backbiting, power hungry, lied or deceived all the time, pretended to confide, all of the above. Glad I’m rid of them.
they want the ability to harm me but get upset when i harm them back in self defense
Because when they harm you they don't believe it is harm they only know about harm when they are being harmed themselves. Depending on the severity I see narcissists as being dysphoric deluded people who are totally out of control. They are erratic, chaotic and harmful people who actually believe that their evil deeds are 'good'. I really think they are deluded enough to think they are God. Whenever you give them evidence that they aren't, they blow a stack.
They can't really handle much of anything. They are neurotic, unhinged, dangerous people who go around thinking they are God. I think they are only a few short steps away (depending on severity) from total insanity or psychosis.
I'm learning to love the silent treatment.... it's like a hall pass to be myself for a week or so again.
"They act like the relationship with you doesn't exist." Pretty much sums up how one feels in a relationship with a narcissist. All of these are so spot on.
I am SURROUNDED with these types of people.
One thing they’ll do in response to your reaction to their passive aggressive behavior is to magnify what you said to them while sweeping their share of the fault under the rug
I first recognized my wife's communication as passive aggressive. It drove me Crazy, angry, guilty, insulted, confused. I finally realized she was a Narcist. I have finally decided to disconnect and not react . The Grey Rock
It took me so long to realize why I was constantly exhausted until I went no contact with my dad. When you're experiencing this from family, you're trained from birth to justify these damaging behaviors, and you don't realize that your health is being destroyed.
Sperm donor was the worst narc in my life. Even 2000 miles away he still stalks me, these people are demonic
My mom manipulated me for years and still is alive…… a constant struggle to want to love her and know she’s just toxic and incapable of real love. Wishing you emotional health and healing.
@@aparnavemuri1967 Im dealing with with this exactly right now
Same gone through this all my life and now I am sick from it....plus they're starting with dementia I can see they're forgetting more and more but it's made their narc traits even worse. Pure hell when you're really sick already as they make it worse
Truth
You are PURE GOLD. You explain every narc in my life. I am an empath. I want peace. l I can spot a narc or ego maniac in a room of 100 people easily.
self labeled "empaths" are nothing but more narcissists. Every normal human being is an empath. stop feeling so special about having feelings.
Yes sir...digs and jabs, putting the fork in and twisting it is what they like. Makes them feel so superior. The arrogance is sickening truthfully...🤢
Everything said in this session is a replica of what I experienced. I left my husband 5 weeks ago and I want you all to know there is a life after leaving a nark and you do start to feel better. You start to realise ur self worth. Im getting my humour back now and enjoying life just being me.
God bless and glory to Him that He helped you escape
Amen. I discovered I actually Do have very good insights, talents AND a sense of humor; that my mistakes were not near as horrendous as he made them out to be and most of all that all men ARE NOT like him (as he always claimed).
@@SendItForward just living in reality is so healing
💞
Congratulations 🎉 to freedom!!
I keep giving the narcissist in my life the benefit of the doubt only to be reminded of who they really are. These videos help keep me on the path not to let this person keep me from being my best self.
Same here. My reasoning is I don’t want to start over. I’ve been with mine for 24 years. Almost left him last year but got sucked into the love bombing. He was good for about a year and now it’s back to being a CPAN. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like he’s a narc to me. He doesn’t seem to be vindictive or mean. He even seems like he wishes he could change or says he tries to be better but can’t. So I feel bad about it. What if he’s autistic or dealing with trauma or a thousand other reasons??? Is it really all an act? It really makes me feel crazy.
I also want to say that denial is a huge part of getting through this. I think denial has kept me stuck.
Unfortunately their is no giving these people the benefit of the doubt they will disappoint you everytime but I totally get it why is it just so hard 🥹
If we let them own us in any way? We are them. Miserable
Run in the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.
A tactic I've experienced is that they cowardly use their flying monkeys to confront you on their behalf.
saw this sign/pic on yt:
*"some people aren't speaking to you because they OWE you an apology"*
headline was:
*"shout out to all the women [everyone] healing from things no one ever apologized to them for"*
Very true, hang in there. LOVE, ANNA❤️
lifewithapurpose Did you see any of the it happens to men as well, comments?!
I realise that it's not funny at all, yet I read a LOT of comments (used to read a lot of books and don't have a TV again now) and see this whenever someone uses the word woman rather than men and women, or people, then many arguments ensue.
It also seems like gender issues are getting MUCH worse, instead of better, especially with extremely troubled and narcissistic men with immense unhealed childhood trauma wounds, such as Andrew Tate, giving advice to the younger more vulnerable ones.
Edit: I'm back to add that I'm very tired and noticed that the word everyone was in brackets when I read your comment again! I'm thinking that some people still would've objected though. 😊
@@cyndigooch1162 yeah dark times for our generation - so many fathers were treated appalingly in the 90s...it gets my goat that men always go on about how women only want money - when men only want thin beautiful women!
@@cheri238 How dare men ever express that they also experience things that women experienced, after women frame it as a women's issue, and then react to men expressing similar experiences by shaming them for speaking on it because it's not about them right now, it's about women.
Right.
Yep, you nailed it!! Divorced 6 months ago after 37 years of marriage to a covert narcissist. You described him perfectly!
Reading these comments give me hope. I've been in a relationship for 20 years and I am emotionally drained. God bless you!
@@classylady7350
Careful planning takes time.
Small increments.
Plan to be as independent as possible - including other people outside of your relationship, but especially anyone connected to your partner.
Don't let on you have a plan.
..and enjoy that feeling of knowing you're heading in the right direction.... heading in the other direction from the narcissist!
Mr. C will show you the knowledge needed I'm sure ;o,
@@darz_k. Thank you.
32 years and counting. I am so impressed that you got free after 37 years
Me too. Some days Im strong and some days, high anxiety and tears.
My nephew was the king of covert narcissism! I allowed him to stay free in my guest cabin while he was transitioning to a new area and a new job. He love bombed me at first but that changed in a few weeks. He'd "volunteer" to do minor repairs or errands for me. I'd not asked him to do anything but was delighted he offered. Then I realized he never did what he'd volunteered to do and acted angry with me if I brought it up or else would act mystified about what I was talking about.
After 3 months of free rent, he found a job and was going to be away for 3 days of training. I told him I was going to paint the cabin door while he was gone. He said "No, I'll do it when I get back!" I looked him in the face and replied "We both know you WON'T do it and then I'll be disappointed and you'll act mad if I bring it up again!" He got this exposed look on his face! From then on, he scarcely talked to me at all and he began spreading awful lies about me to other family members. He said I was emotionally abusive and had destroyed items of his. I hadn't done either. What l I'd done was confronted him with the truth about his repeated pattern of intentionally setting me up with volunteering to do needed tasks and never following through. Once the jig was up, he switched to not talking to me and telling lies on me. It was like flipping a switch!
Indeed. Classic darvo and smear campaign. He probably was smearing you before that anyway even when you got on. When they can't control you they try to control how other people see you. It's good you told the truth to him, he needed to hear it even though he couldn't handle it.
The thing he was doing was called 'weaponised incompetence and procrastination'. He then gaslighted you too.
These people are textbook! I experienced all these tactics. Their lack of communication and lack of accountability is ridiculous. Toddlers in an adult body is what they are!
The tardiness is a way of letting you know if you were really important, you’d be on time. My husband can be on time or early for work (every day) church, business meetings, working out, social outings, but can’t make it home to dinner
I’m sure it’s your fault if you ask him why.
The best tool to use on a covert narc is everything you plan with them - Put it in text via phone or email. That way you can refer back to the original plan that was attempted to be implemented by the narc. OMG - it works very,very well for me. They really don’t know how to handle this because- they cannot lie their way out of the situation. Talk about silencing a narc - Boom !
Thanks for the reminders that attempting to get a narcissist to act like a normal healthy person is a complete waste of time!
Yep
I've come to the conclusion that anyone you meet/deal with who regards all your interactions as "transactions" and they keep score you have a narcisst there. Run.
Six months driving on failing brakes when he’s a mechanic- and he always denounces how expensive brake repair places are. Asked repeatedly to have him look at/fix my brakes, was having to use emergency brake to stop a half ton truck. Meanwhile, his car(s) are all in top mechanical shape, always. He finally fixes my brakes when it’s extremely dangerous for me to drive our son to school- and then he says that I never said anything, berates me for not knowing how bad my brakes were. Also throws in that he “always” helps me, and I’m so ungrateful.
You very clearly need another mechanic this borders on premeditation.
Typical evil narcissist. Get away - once you know you go. They will never change if anything they will get worse.
Take it in and pay for it for safety’s sake. Don’t fall for the bullying. Then when he asks you about paying just innocently say that you didn’t think he had time and it had to be done. Causes and effect facts help a lot in dealing with a narc. He’ll learn that if he doesn’t help you it’ll cost.
Just take your car to another mechanic
First of all my husband would insist on driving me places, even when it wAsn't necessary. I would tell him when I had to be there and when I wanted to leave. He always kept me waiting. I didn't understand it then. I get it now. My ex did all of these things. ☹️
My husband is never respectful of others time. I began telling him earlier then the true time so he can play his games and I won’t stress out.
My ex treated me like a chauffeur. Except I never got tipped. 😄
My narcissistic family and other narcissists I have encountered do this to me all the time.
I realize they offer help on important tasks only to abandon you because they WANT you to be stressed out, do poorly and fail, so their implication that you aren’t valuable and are lucky to have them seems validated by the ‘evidence’ they create in destroying your successes and self esteem
I learned to fake the time I or the narc needed to be somewhere. For example if the appointment was for 2:00, I would say it was for 1:30. Worked like a charm, and we would arrive at 2:00 😀
Oftentimes the non inclusion is because they can't display their fake selves or tell their lies in your presence.
This is so On Point🎯
“Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they HIDE all these attributes so people will like and trust them.”
From Debbie Mirza’s book, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist
Yes.
They have an insatiable appetite to be LIKED it's unbelievable !
Which is exactly why I cannot trust them anymore because I see behind it
The delusions and self-importance are so strong in them. The Covert Narc's official slogan could easily be, "Don't you know who I am?"
Our answer should be, "Yes, and I don't care."
100%
We need one of those medical bracelets. Victim of narcissistic. And a Belgium malanois for protection against the hosts.
"I'm going to be comfortable with me." I love that!
After you don’t follow along with their triangulation and smear campaign, they will ignore your messages and then they send you a message days later , but delete it a couple minutes after sending it. My mother does this childish behavior.
The hard part is when someone breaks away from a narcissist and their decades of abuse and goes "no contact", they are accused of being a passive aggressive covert narcissist. That is my situation. And all the enablers are convinced through smear campaigns that I am one because I have set up clear healthy (and reasonable) boundaries and will no longer be the family's sacrificial black sheep. I have my own family and my young children's needs were put on hold because I did not have these boundaries in place. Well, that has stopped, and I have no regrets. I have to continue to look ahead as I rebuild my life without the toxicity.
Sounds like you have experienced my family. One word sums it up from the safe distance of no contact: whatever
It’s a rough spot to be in but continue to grow. It will be painful along the way. Expect that much. It will all be ok.
I so hear you on this! I'm living the exact same thing in my family. How did you set boundaries, what did you say...if I may ask?
Same here. I feel so guilty and frankly worried to be like them. I want to think that the difference is in the attitude. You are not giving them silent treatment to gain anything or punish them. You are simply not talking to them because you want to be away from their abuse.
You have every right to lose both the narcissist AND their enablers if that's what has to happen. Given time, those who matter will come to realize the truth, and those who don't matter will never figure it out anyway. You have every right to self-preservation, and you've certainly put in your time earning it.
Looking back my sister ticks every box you’ve just described. She has used every one of those tactics. I went no contact 3 months ago as it’s impossible to have a sensible conversation with her. Life is much more peaceful but it is heartbreaking that she is so internally damaged.
Hopefully you’ll figure something out with your sister - they rarely if ever change. …. You are your number one priority!! Take really good care of yourself.
Sometimes your birth family isn't your true family. I left mine long ago. No regrets.
My husband, in addition to this list will become “unwell” and even throw up to get out of doing things or make us leave an event early.
This is exactly what I have experienced with some family members. It's as though appearances are much more important than substance. They also will ignore us in front of others to influence others to believe something is wrong with us. They influence others against us without saying a word, looks on their face that show disapproval, and paying attention to everyone else in front of us while ignoring us, They use these covert means more than they use words. They also will arrange things with friends and make sure we know they did it without us. They are covert because they want the ability to deny what they do making us look like the crazy one.
This is true and what I’ve learned from this is to have your own set of healthy friends-away from the narc and everyone they hangout with. Don’t hang out with the narc and “their friends” (flying monkeys) on any level. It saddens me since I am dealing with a narc that is my spouse because this means I will never be able to have a loving, healthy, fruitful, caring, and compassionate marriage that I soo desired and that I wanted my children to see and experience. It means I’ll never be able to serve the Lord WITH my spouse and win souls for the kingdom of God WITH my spouse cause he doesn’t know the Lord (even though he insists that he does). It means soooo much but I am in the acceptance part of this now but I also feel the most agony for my three children.
The sht mine pulled honestly it’s exhausting even to write it out it was so underhanded and childish. I’m just glad to be free of intentionally sabotaging passive aggressive a-words! People who get offended by very reasonable boundaries simply aren’t allowed in my life anymore and wow has peace been so much easier to achieve because of it!
Exactly ! You put a finger on why I don't share my story with many people. It's just too exhausting and it makes my head spin
@@hippiecowgirl4231 not to mention having to constantly explain details til they “get it” is what the a-word’s strategy was in the first place! Either people believe I’m a reasonable person in a fkd up situation or they don’t. I’m done trying to convince anyone 😝
@@private755 this is how I feel. I am done telling others about who he really is cause guess what??? They don’t live with him so they will never know the truth the way I do, they can’t help me get free from him anyway due to the “‘til death due you part” vows I took almost 17 years ago, and after telling them I’m still back where I started-with. Him.
Truthfully, no one understands if they have not experienced it. It’s difficult to explain to some people that what they are seeing is not who a person truly is and it usually sets us up for being further looked at as being the crazy ones. The narcs have this uncanning ability to fool everyone it seems. More people than not tend to believe them. I’ve come to realize that I should just discover healthy people outside of what I am dealing with from day-to-day. Don’t bad mouth him or defend myself against what he tells others cause those that choose to believe him at whatever he says have just proven where they truly stand (thanks for letting me know-I understand completely now). Keep on keeping on with joy and as much peace as possible cause the narcs and their monkeys are banking on us not being able to do so!
When I tell you that I don’t have a single person on this Earth in my corner, I mean just that BUT I will not stoop to the narcs’ level. I’ve got work to do such as spread the love of Christ and pray for others going through this very situation (including myself). Some days are better than others but buckle down and pick up that cross, Solider!
It's crazy when you write it out and your like if a friend was telling you this you would tell them they deserve better but for myself ...why can't I say same thing
@@1980shameka I am in your corner ! Praying for you now . Be strong !
Narcissists are excellent at acting. They get people by their charm and performance. It can leave you confused because they are so innocent in playing victim and pointing you as the abuser. Don't fall for it!💙CZcamsr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
So true, hang in there, Love Anna.❤️
Covert narcissist can be that way. A lot of parents and grandparents, pastor's, church members, teachers, romantic partners, and whoever else can be that way. Getting healed, and acknowledging your own issues in the situation can and do help. What often destroy most people is then choosing to have the pity party victim mentality behavior. That is what can and will destroy you the most. We are not to be pessimistic or cynical, but learn to use GODLY wisdom, insight, and perspective. HE will and can tell you if someone is right for you or not, or if they have your best interest.
Well said.
My narc sisters never include me. They go on vacations together with other family or friends, but I never get an invitation. Once my two sisters went to a bar not two miles from where I live, but never asked me to go along. It used to really hurt my feelings, but I'm no contact now and trying to build a better life.
My mom and sister banded together and treated me that way all of my life. It used to be very painful; I felt flawed. Now that I'm older I couldn't care less. They are both abusive, awful, criminal people by any standard. My mother died recently and I felt nothing. I'm not in touch with the sister at all. Remember, they are avoiding you because you are a decent person and they are not.
saw this sign/pic on yt: *"some people aren't speaking to you because they OWE you an apology"*
headline was *"shout out to all the women [everyone] healing from things no one ever apologized to them for"*
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg thx Elizabeth, I wish you well.
@@lifewithapurpose237 thx 👍
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m in the same boat with a Narc Mom and sister. They trash everyone in the family behind our backs. I also lost my biggest friend group because of a smear campaign by one person who was a member before I was. It hurts a heck of a lot to be excluded especially when we have a primordial need to belong. Give yourself a pat on the back every day for loving yourself and adding unconditional love and wisdom to the collective. I can tell your super cool and it’s definitely their loss !! 💯🙏🏽💟
I knew someone like this who would offer to do things when I was in desperate need, such as offering to babysit for the weekend so I could study for finals saying she would arrive Friday night, then Friday she would provide an excuse for why she would actually come first thing Saturday morning so I could head to the library. Then Saturday morning would come and by 10 or 11 she’d have a car issue or a health issue or some other reason she could not come till later, and although this was a pattern of course I would be ungrateful because after all she was doing me a favor (even when I offered to pay). I now see how manipulative it was-always offering to do favors then flaking out or procrastinating.
They also like to twist our words around.
I’m looking forward to this because these passive aggressive tactics tend to catch me off guard and I need to understand them better.
Understand so you can recognize when it's happening. Then respond thoughtfully. At some point, you can predict their tactics. Then you can smile inside at just how right you are and how predictable they are.
Me too. If it doesnt make sense trust your gut
@@aaronkwolfe Good words.
Some people just catch me off guard and I'm looking around going what just happened here?
@@lindar85204 You get caught off guard because you cannot fathom their tactics as possible, let alone normal. That’s why we are here. Well, I am anyway. I want to understand enough to recognize those tactics as they are happening, and get to a point where I can predict those tactics. At that point when I/we can see how predictable they are, there is no longer an element of surprise to garner the reaction they are targeting for.
I cannot leave. We're both on fixed incomes so together there's a roof to live under. Up until last year I really did think it was all my fault. Slowly gaining perspective and being able to pick myself up and live to the best of my ability, not engaging in the games, and keep moving forward towards peace in my heart. Wishing all peace, when and where you can find it ☮️
He told me I "wasn't part of the family anymore", then told his entire family that I "just didn't want to come around".
They believe him, and have never asked me about anything that he's ever told them during his smear-campaigning.
Of course, I had no idea he was running me through the mud rather publicly, until years later.
(10 year "relationship")
I've got one, they'll tell you something that you can or don't have to do, and then after a while they start getting upset about doing the thing that they told you you didn't have to do. For me, I always liked to wash my own dishes, and when I got with the narc, it became a thing where they were like "no no it's okay I can wash your dishes". Then after a few months it became "I don't want to wash your dishes anymore, you do them" after a long time of me having to ask them to let me do my dishes myself, and they acted like I was being rude, whether I asked to wash my own dishes or let them, and even when I started cleaning them myself again the complaint then became "you use so many more dishes than us", so basically I'm supposed to feel bad for existing and needing to eat and having a job that I work 12 hours at so I can't just wash my dishes immediately all the time. Narcs sure do see themselves as the arbiters of what's good
I’m at the point in life, that I laugh at all these signs! They are so spot on. Narcissistic individuals are some strange creatures, that’s for sure. I believe another sign of a Covert Narc is how they treat you during holidays. Everything can be going well but they will not call you to wish you happy holidays or much less your birthday. Just to give you an extra dig! Sad but one day it will be laughable, like it is for me now. 😊
Thank you Dr C. When anger or dismissal doesn't work for them, they can suddenly become the hurt child that needs you to do stuff for them and make you feel guilty.
Did I mention that narcissists are master manipulators? Whatever works.
Always confront people. The Bible tells us to confront others if we have an offense against them. Doesn’t mean they will change.
Every single trait you described fits my former best friend perfectly. I'm so glad to see someone else who sees the same exact things. One key thing that they do is to isolate everyone from each other, so we all can't compare notes (on the narcissist). That's one of their biggest fears.
Another side motive is that they don't want others to see how you're really being treated and spoken to by them (including all of the gaslighting). They don't want others to see how they operate with you, when it's just the two of you together. That would seriously conflict with how they present you and your relationship to them, because it's all suppose to be on you, and not the narcissist.
Well said!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Yes! I have a mother like this who would do this to me and my two sisters. She’d always talk badly about them to me and say, “just don’t tell them”. I can only imagine what she says about me behind my back. Thank god she lives in a different country and I’m able to grey rock her now. I also had a close friend like that, who’d exclude me from everything - I ghost her now and she started love bombing me, which is just so surreal.
I see you know my sister in law
I cant believe how true this is; i had a narcissistic abuser ex best friend who isolated me from her other friends and ex friends. I became close friends with one of her ex friends and our stories lined up and i couldnt believe all the missing pieces coming together, it finally became clear!!
Me too. It was a slow burn until one day I looked around and all the other friends were gone and this ex-friend was deeply infiltrated into my life.
OMG I can relate to ALL of these 12 tactics.... it's become almost pervasive in work, social and family situations...my most experience is within the family.....I'm starting to hate all people!!
That’s why it’s important that we distance ourselves from narcissists and find a healthy community. I had to leave my entire family and most “friends” behind, and the grief and sadness is strong… but I’m finally working on my own life, and slowly finding people who are actually mutually supportive and empathetic, and it’s the best feeling in the world 💙 all the best to you!
@@melw3313 thank you for your kind words! :) I hope you’re doing well too 💙
My ex-husband was a controller. He would never let me stay home when he wanted to go the his family's cabin up north. However when we got to the cabin. He would get on his 4 wheeler with his cousins and leave me alone at the cabin. 20 years of this behavior. I am free of him and safe.
The sighs from them argh. Talking under their breath but when asked “pardon, what are you saying”, “oh nothing” or explosion of aggression. Constantly doing this yet will often say they hate people talking under their breath/behind backs. As a punctual person I really hate the constantly being late, the rudeness of it, out the door with minutes to spare then ‘forgetting’ something, back inside, dawdling. I was asked recently “why are you so calm” which clearly was irritating him.
I prefer the term SNEAKY AGGRESSIVE because that's what it is.
That is a more accurate term for it!
I actually enjoy the silent treatment. I get to have some time alone and do whatever I want in peace. 30 years in and just finding out why my life has been so challenging. Thanks for the video. Knowledge is Power. 🎉
They are everything abominable & wicked.
They subvert & undermine all that is legit...honorable...peaceful...harmonious...!!!
I have recently realized that my whole life was being gaslit by this covert perpetrator.
The Anguish is very severe & difficult to work through. I will get to the otherside of this and live my life again in full bloom. All that you have talked about today I have experienced in real time. To all the people working through this do not give up or give into defeat. These people were out to destroy the beauty that we really do possess. Remember that today....they wanted to give you their ugliness and steal your true self. God will help us get through this insidious hellacious abuse. My heart goes out to all who have encountered the devil in these people. I stand by that statement fully...& will not be gaslit...!! Truly Thank you Dr. C...YOUR VIDEOS ARE SO VERY HELPFUL & ENCOURAGING.
My covert narcissist has been destroying my beautiful dresses while I'm sleeping. It took me several years to figure this out and I never imagined a person like this could really exist. But they do. I have to tie my clothes in a bag underneath the frame of the bed while I sleep just to protect my own belongings in my own place. I cannot explain the rage that grows inside of me each time each time I find another dress he has pulled the hems out of or cut holes underneath the zippers. I have done nothing but good for this man and I have tried everything. I have talked to him nicely, I have screamed at him. I have put holes in his pockets to teach him a lesson only to wake up the next morning and find holes in my purse. I am not a destructive person. But this has been my home for over three years, and I simply want to be left alone long enough so that I can focus on taking my next step. There has to be some way to get through to people like this, but I have yet to find that way. Please give me some tips so I don't have to live being bullied by someone and so unfairly. I know majority says walk away, but it's not always as simple as that unfortunate. Thank You for your informative videos and your efforts to help people like me 🙏
Thank-you Dr. Carter.
By deconstructing how these individuals operate, we get to know their patterns and don't have to feel so confused or blindsided when they happen. We can anticipate what will happen and that is a benefit in and of itself.
Exactly!
I listened to this twice today.
I’ve been married 35 years and every single thing you’ve stated is exactly what my husband has done over the years.
I am so exhausted & fighting depression. I’m so tired of always being portrayed as the problem. He is ALWAYS the victim. ALWAYS!
I’m tired of feeling like I’m going crazy and questioning my actions or feeling guilty over something that has nothing to do with me.
I have to get out of this marriage before I crater.
Thank you for this video!
If you're able to escape, you'll find a peace that you have never known. Good luck.
The most hurtful and dishonest behavior for me was always the cold shoulder. It meant that my feelings were irrelevant, that he was punishing and controlling me, that love was a weapon and a weakness and that he did not respect me in any way. He actually told me that it was "the only way to teach me a lesson."
Large part of my adult life. Absolutely crazy making. And kept me hooked into such a damaging dynamic for best years of my life. Grow your own self esteem and healthy boundaries. Own your own stuff and don't get pulled into others who won't acknowledge thiers.
Ugh, how they play the victim…
Ditched a “friend” that said sorry to me, but it was my fault because I was the one being rude to him.
My dog was dying. He kept texting me for attention. I told him I was in a crisis with the doggo dying and could not reply any further. He screams for attention to ONE-UP MY DYING DOG, saying he’ll commit suicide.
Summoning every fibre of rational that I could, I reply to him that I can’t help him right now and to call the crisis line or talk to his dad or brother. Then turned my phone off.
My dog died 10 mins later as I held her.
He does the 180 and emails and DMs me later saying “sorry”.
Blocked the narcissistic idiot since then.
That’s really messed up. I’ve wondered, do narcissists always threaten suicide for attention or to get an ex back in their life?
My daughter's N ex called her sister and said he was going to kill himself. The sister called the police who found him dancing round his kitchen doing laundry. He never tried that one again.
That was so awful of them. I'm sorry for your loss, too💔💔💔 They have little to no Emotional Intelligence. An old friend said to me when I saw her at a store and told her my dear brother was just, sent home to be in hospice, "I'm sorry. Do you know where I can buy short sleeve dress shirts for (husband)?" and I was stunned and I was thinking, "This does not compute." Yeah, you know what people you will have an emotional, healthy, mutual connection with and ones who no longer work.
@@Dj.D25 I would say so, no matter how irrational it is...because they must feed off their supply and will do the most b@t-shit craziest thing to hold onto us (their supply). We should absolutely take suicide seriously, but it is not our responsibility to save them either (and the world, for that matter). If we cannot give support right now, then re-direct to other support (call Crisis line, reach out to someone else, etc.) Oxygen mask rule: put your own on first, and then help the person next to you.
Doing things for me at my house was the way he made himself feel like a nice guy. Like it made up for all the aggressive behavior, the mean spirit.
Thank you so much for this Dr C, I recently cut contact with a covert narcissist whose abuse was so subtle and disguised I am still thinking maybe I got it wrong. Videos like this make it absolutely clear. No I did not!
You can usually trust your own instincts and how you want to be treated is valid.
You're not alone Jayne, I understand what you have experienced because I've experienced it too.
@@melw3313 I get it. I've been divorced now 3 years from my ex and just now recovering my stamina and health after 31 years of crazy making. But there is life after their insanity when we just leave and move on.
@@melw3313 yes they are and the damage they cause takes effort to heal from. They can take away your will to live.
You are so blessed you got out in time. Well done.
Everything you explain, I can pinpoint it even from years ago. If only I knew this stuff back then, because when you don’t know this stuff, that’s when you really end up under water ☹️
My ex husband is a 12 of 12. I am devorced for 14 years and I still feel 🤮🤮🤮, if I hear what you say. I survived! 💪🏼👍🏼
Funny. 12 and 12 is a book in AA and these meetings are full of narcs and ASPD!
I actually like the silent treatment. it gives me peace. And now I realize I really do not care. Be wary of the nice treatment from the narcissist, they are setting you up to be vulnerable with them and then use it against you. They never stop putting you down. But they measure it out .
Yes, yes and yes. It is so weird that they think they are as special und unique like a shiny golden unicorn but they are so predictable.
Dear Dr. Les Carter, I found out your videos a month ago. Since then you've been a blessing! I suppose that "Passive Aggressive Tactics" is the deep aim of these controversial personalities. All my gratitude to awareness and the truly good help you're bringing us. You're healing wounds. God bless you forever!
So pleased! Stick around. I'm pleased to be on the path with you!
Reguengos de Monsaraz 😊 Don’t miss Dr Carter’s ☀️ vast collection of videos, and now pod casts, easily available. (Sorry to sound like a commercial but I’ve been listening for quite a while and I’m still not caught up. ☮️
@@Teacher369 Gratitude!
💚 🌟 💚
Dr Les really explains narcissistic behavior better than others!
I used to call my moms compliments “compliments but…” always a weird twist at the end of the compliment. 48 years and I finally figured out my moms a covert narc and my oldest sister is a grandiose narc. And of course I’m the empath. Thanks for your videos. They’ve helped me tremendously!
Once you see it you can't unsee it.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I agree and think it's also unforgetable for many of us, I would say. Even after many years of radical acceptance, radical forgiveness, and even radical serenity and peace. And, perhaps because we absolutely do understand what we are experiencing in the moment in their presence, we are able to see them way more clearly, have some compassion for them and can more readily choose to not engage, especially when they are being unreasonable, again. We can more readily decide to simply not go there! To not give in to their epic and highly aggressive demands for even more supply. 🕊
Empaths are awesome! 😊
I, too, am just beginning to realize the same. I, too, am an empath. So sorry we are in the same boat!
Get away my mom to uck her live your life
"Go find a brick wall and bang your head against that." LOL! I love it! I can't tell you how much your content has help me, Dr. Carter.
Thanks...hope you can stay away from the brick wall!!
I ran into one recently who went beyond the silent treatment / stonewalling / disdainful garbage and indulged in low key vandalism as a combo of vengeance and gaslighting. We were boarding horses at the same facility and she would take fly masks off other peoples horses and throw them in the stalls to get them messed up, pull the lids off of other people's feed barrels, unlock stalls, etc. Of course she was super sneaky about it, just getting off on causing chaos and confusion. Until we caught her and kicked her out!
When you catch a covert narcissist you have to kick them out because clearly they're not right in the head & will lie & deceive even with solid evidence of their horrible behaviour .Feed kept going missing at the stables so the owner installed CCTV surveillance & when the camera's got footage of the woman doing it even with crystal clear images of it being her she still feigned the victim & denied any theft or wrongdoing. The funny thing is that when she was kicked out no further feed theft occurred. Horses are like children, they're defenceless & depend on us to protect them & keep them safe, so we can't reasonably allow a harmful person like a narcissist near them.
Thank you for this excellent video. You have perfectly described someone I
know. I love how you said, ' Yes, I know I don't measure up, and I'm ok with that.' I'm comfortable with myself and I will focus on my good conduct and my inherent worth.
Go Team Healthy !
The victimism really gets on one's nerves! They demand engagement in what they want.
Sometimes I think, they aren't as complex as we make ourselves think.
Well..they are and at the same time they aren't. They feel alot of shame and anger and loneliness and helplessness and emptiness but by trying to supress it with a grandiose picture of themselves they try to convince others that they aren't all those things. At the same time they feel the discrepancy between what they are trying to supress (read: what they actually know they are) and what they are trying to be, but feel the can never reach (as noone is perfect and trying to be just makes you miserable).
Also, they never had the chance to learn how to deal with all their emotions and thus are really hard to be around as they constantly try to blame you for their feelings and everything they are not. (And passive-aggressively try to bring you down whenever they see you doing life in your healthy way and not down at their level).
So...in a way they aren't complex, as soon as you see and understand their patterns. Because they are shallow in the desperate need to be validated and not get hurt.
At the same time, they are so hard to get by with due to everything described above, that all the complexity van be overwhelming.
Another element to #6 (smear campaign) is that these people will mumble unkind words under their breath, just loud enough for you to hear them, but when you ask them to speak up, they suddenly say, "oh, nothing." My sister was great for this: her passive-aggressive tactic was to say really rude things just loud enough to be heard. Unfortunately, I never called her out. I wish I would have said, "if you have something to say, say it to my face, otherwise STFU."
I grew up with abusive parents. My brother is a narcissist. My boyfriends were abusive as was one of my bosses. When I went to my partners family about the abuse my son was facing from their family member, I was told, "You say everyone is abusive." Yes, because they were. I still feel the shame from that comment. That is when I learned that there are different types of narcissists in families and sometimes to survive they cover for each other.
I try to remind myself that ultimately they are cowards because they refuse to deal with their issues, but we are NOT!!!
toxic is toxic, and if they deny the abuse, they are part of the problem. Glad you stand up for boundaries and better behavior.
WOW! This whole time I just called my ex-husband a chameleon.... I had no idea I was dealing with a passive aggressive covert narcissist! It's good to have an actual name for it, I just thought I was losing my mind!
He has all 12 of these. And now, I'm free of them! Thank God!
Dr C said 'at times the may act as if you are just non existent' - I experienced exactly that for years. I was completley baffled, as we had three children together and would have looked to outsiders as if we were living an ordinary married life. it is the worst feeling...
JUST REMEMBER WE HAVE TOOLS. KEEP GROWING. Thank you Dr. CARTER FOR YOUR EXPERTISE EVERDAY. 🌻🦋❤️
It’s amazing how adept people can become at deception without ever having to take a class on it.
I love how the dog is just snoozing on the couch, without a care in the world😃
I am glad I found you on CZcams. My husband seems to find favor with people. He is quiet, never engaging, not caring about anything. He has no dreams or goals, he will not share mine.
What about a silent covert narcissist. No direct gaslighting no direct arguing just that silent rage
ALL of those. For such a long time… I see it now. I am not anymore going to be pulled in. I AM and always was a person of peace.
In life, I had always been the one who was responsible for visiting and keeping up contact with my step sisters. I moved to FL and asked my oldest one to cone down for an exclusive sister visit, she was asking me at the time to once again visit her and promised if I did, she would come down within that next year for sure. "I promise" she said, "it'll just be me and you"...I had prepared and was looking forward to it but when it came time, she called and changed the terms if the visit.
Said she was bring her husband, her son and his girlfriend too.....I was very deflated because it passively communicated that she wasn't interested in spending those few days together as a sister visit so I stopped her, explained my dissappointment if she misunderstood the invitation but since we weren't on that same wavelength, I told her I'd have to decline the visit if she was going to insist on changing the terms of the invitation as given. It's a matter of control with her and she insists on it rather than be on the same page...but that's ok...I tried.
If she's not interested, that's her mindset that I think she needed to be up front about when and in the spirit the invitation was extended. It mattered to me and she knew it.
toward the end of *'live chat'* jenniferA asked "what is worst cigarette addiction or narc addiction?" my response, both lead to an *early grave*
That's pathetic 🤣 how you out here addicted to narCs. Now I see what ppl mean they say "others don't understand " 😶
Hi Gus! 🤗 Thanks Dr. Carter, my now-ex did 10 of the 12 regularly for 9 years. The silent treatment was the worst. He would say "I'm not giving you the silent treatment, I just need to withdraw for a while" but it always happened right after I wanted to talk to him about problems in the relationship. Total avoidance. Either that or he'd push my buttons to the point where I would get upset, then tell me that I had no control over my emotions and he refuses to talk to me when I'm "like that"...gaslighting right? I'm learning; and learning brings healing! I've been following your channel for years and finally got the courage to walk away last month. The clarity that being removed from the constant menacing atmosphere living with him is astounding. Thanks again.
when my brother lived across the street from me,he would wait for me to turn off my light then call me to ask for a few cigarettes,I would get up and then spend 20 minutes waiting for him to come over, after calling him several times, he would act as if he was do me a favor by finally showing up
that dog is an expert on narcissism at this point
So so true you got it spot on. I’m cutting my aunt out of my life because of this passive aggressive behavior. She makes so many digs and comments and if you confront her about it she says she isn’t mean to anyone , and she’s joking ? But she’s very judgmental and mean about everyone lol
She gets upset if I don’t text her constantly , if I have good things going for me , she doesn’t want boundaries between us it’s strange . She’s 71 and gotten a lot worse recently
My ex did all of these things. I learned the 'game' and playing or resisting it just ground me down. Once I just stopped trying he moved on and I see that he lived to provoke a reaction, drama and chaos
Describes my marriage. Wish I had been less patient - however I did discover the value of self-love and I'm out of there now.
43 year long friendship with a covert narcissist...boy oh boy do I feel dumb. Every single one of these tactics were employed over and over and over again.. and dumb me gave the benefit of the doubt over and over again. When I confronted her about 1... just 1 thing... that was it...an avalanche of deflection, blame shifting, minimizing, spiritualizing, rationalizing, excuse making, lying and 1/2 truths. It was horrifying. Never heard from her again.
A song for narcissists. ‘Walking on eggshells’. I’m walking on eggshells and don’t it feel bad. I can definitely relate to being left out of activities & the silent treatment. The narc is very slippery & at times very evil. Thanks for another helpful video Doc.
Phewy I’m not going mad ! It’s so subtle and devastating all at the same time. Just gone no contact 🙏pray for me ! Can’t believe I’ve fallen for this again and again ! I’m 52 ! Narcissist father and sister ! It’s been a 💩 show !