Ep. 57 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- čas přidán 22. 11. 2020
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing exclusive golf clubs. Bert tells the story of when he learned about racial slurs as a child, and they have fun watching videos of disgusting toenails, dilated pore removals, and navel stones. They react to getting shouted-out on 85 South, and recall how they got into hip-hop. They take a look at the SUBEAP submissions they got, their take on the PLASTT phenomenon, and discuss their best and worst strip club experiences. Bert also shares how he got mistaken for a Trump supporter on Instagram.
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"I was at a meeting..."
"A clan meeting?"
You're the best, Tom.
Well, we know it wasn't AA...
Technically, all meetings Bert attends is a Klan meeting.
Dated two thousand twenty twelve
Bert: “this is going to be the episode that takes me down.”
Tom: “okay.”
* fingers crossed *
fuck i was writiing this comment lmao
leann262 lmao I love you have his wife’s name & said that
He says that all the time then says something weak. He thinks he is way edgier than he is. He's worked with Bruce Jenner. Recently.
@facciabella85 or realizes they could just cut anything out before posting the podcast lmao
"I cannot loose weight right now"
*drinks a gallon of koolaid and 4 bottles of wine*
*eats 12 burgers*
I think Sickler’s guest episode was the strongest, but I love Tim Dillon, and he’s an actual bear, so he gets my vote.
@@alexab7966 Who are you responding to?
@@alexab7966 dude wtf are you talking about
J kn v
@@westonforced-last-name-dis3560 I think he just came out of the closet. Be encouraging.
Best Guest Bear: IMO Sickler, his stories are great
Sickle cell is a god damn national treasure. Dude is a legend 🍈
Facts
Tom gagging over toenails and then going into detail about dismembering and torturing people is my favorite.
“I just started eating Butterfingers until I figured out why I like them”.
Classic Bert.
Bert looks like Dan Bilzarerian if he let himself go.
Hes Fat Bilzarerian
Except berts way more successful and not lying
@@Ottophil he is?
😂😂
Bart will read this and be very excited
Bert is basically Homer in that one episode where he teaches a class but just ends up telling personal thing about Marge.
Bert has told the story of the "clean record" n-word story to tom so many times in the first 56 episodes, it makes me wonder how many times he has told it in his everyday life. Lol and tom has yet to stop him telling it each and every time, like it's his first. Hilarious
Onset alzheimers
Hahah same with the story of the stripper starting to strip from being fully clothed 😂
The image of Bert in a speedo getting lectured about the N-word by each generation of a black family is absolutely incredible
Yea, would make a hilarious skit
Proves black people are Racist but funny
LMFAO I died
Bert's slow metamorphosis into the Chicken man from Toy Story 2 is finally complete
:0
Als toy barn! Lol
All he needs are those glasses
10/10 comment
Bert was wearing a Klan hood but he got hit with a frying pan.
Someone should scrub through all these episodes and do a counter for how many of Bert’s stories he’s re-told. I think the stripper with clothes story is up to 3 now. Lmaoooo
Same with the N-word story
I’m just now going through these and I can’t keep track of which ones I’ve actually seen because I hear the same story almost word for word. I get confused and have turned some off thinking I already watched the episode
@@drizzyenemy4882 SAME i thought i was losing my damn mind
@@Kiki94x i check the episode number... and im going through them sequentially! i was like no way... again?! lol
@@drizzyenemy4882 SAME
This was a great episode of “Bert cancels himself.”
"She wasn't a stripper, she was a person." - Bart
Classic Brock Crunchler
100%
@@AgendaInMind LOL, Burden of Proof is hard.
@@AgendaInMind ..... the fuck, dude?
I just love how Tom nonchalantly agrees saying "Right "and shaking his head. haha that's one of the better clips for sure.
Bert: I cant believe there are not more revenge murders
OJ: Hello Twitter world
"It's yours truly!"
OJ didn't kill for revenge.
Hey it's Darr man, just checking on to make sure you guys are learning obvious but valuable lessons.
@@yew2oob954 You're fired bud.... ta ta there chomo, stick to proto next time
LMAO!!! I read that in Joe Rogan’s voice…
lol Bert, a rough neighbourhood: People who could afford houses, but weren't their own bosses.
So like, the middle class?
Wow. Crazy seeing you here, I watched your videos little over a month ago in preparation for my first DMT trip! Hope you're doing better!
Tom: *talking about his interesting thoughts*
Burnt: *waiting to say what’s he’s been thinking about while Tom was talking*
I love how this episode is a 'recap' of all stories Bert Has EVER TOLD on this podcast.
“so I’ve never told anyone this before”
slowly but surely he's getting exhausting.
@@reedbrady4627 🤣 🤣 best part is that was the 3rd time I've heard that story too
It confuses the hell out of me where i have to double check to make sure im not rewatching an old pod lol
The best part of waking up is 2 bears 1 cave
Get therapy
I can’t help but sing in key with the Folders jingle.
not always. i'm camping right now.
True. to me is always when i finish work
@@DNYGdj 2 bears 1 cave and folgers in your cup
Bert was dreaming that Chris D'Elia dated his daughter
AHAHAHAHA
👏👏👏
16 is awfully old for Chris
@@A-Chap Oh please
Tom is such a beast at acting like it's the first time he's heard a story.
“This is the first time I’ve ever told this story”. I’ve heard that story of him saying the n word about ten times
I had to double check that this was a new episode.
MOVE IT ******!!!!
Just leave Bart alone. He loves the N-word. He should be the only one to say it
He retold like 3 Stories this Episode. Also had to Check this was new. He told that guy saying the n word even though he said he never said it story on this podcast before
He used to say the n word joke. I mean he still does but he used to do it too.
Best Guest Bear: The Slept King Bobby Lee
F*** yes! The slept king is the best
Nadav losing his shit is always my favorite 😂
Bert has told that same story about his friend that’s never said the N word like 5 different times on this podcast and each time it was told differently 😂
Sometimes watching a “Two Bears” is like Bill Murray’s “Groundhog Day”.... Bret is becoming that old man that keeps repeating the same stories...
I felt like all but the last 20 minutes were just retold stories. I literally had to look at the date uploaded to make sure I hadn't already watched this episode.
You can only tell so many stories in one lifetime and during the week you only have so much to talk about give it a break
@@justinrago922 same I thought maybe I hit an old episode because bert told at least two retold stories with the same length and enthusiasm as the original telling
An alcoholic retells the same stories over and over? Shocking
Why didn't Tom stop him?
The thumbnail looks like brent about to whip out a “onehundredpercent” from heaven
"Hey guys, make sure to use Talk Space of you feel like you might be at risk of mental illness"
*Describes torturing people in intense detail*
I don’t know what’s worse “bad friends” Rudy eating a Balut egg or Leannes belly button. Today has been a harsh day for listening to podcasts.
Bru Rudy is a fkn knife wielding badass, Balut is GD walk in the park for her.
this was literally my thoughts, BF was the last thing I listened to directly before this podcast.
It really has been a gross podcast day
i felt that
Very true. I've had Balut. I'll take Leanne's belly button any day.
Bert is the spokesperson for the untreated ADHD.
46:17 - 46:21
Imagine how boring Brent would b if he was properly medicated.
@@moeleicster2737 This was the perfect timestamp to go with the OP comment. Thank you.
I was just sayin that!
Ads
Tom’s reaction to Bert’s favorite videos is Dr. Drew’s reaction to Tom’s favorite videos
Tim Dillon had me crying laughing, thus was my favorite.
I think the episode with Ryan Sickler was the best because you could tell there’s a genuine chemistry between him and Tom just like Bert and Tom
Yep they know each other well and had good back and forth convo.
These gay dudes are pretty cool.
Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
One goes top while the other wears a shirt
They’re not gay.... One is special and the other is his carer.
I’ll bet they give AWESOME presents to each other!
You love gay dudes
Someone please animate Bert's dream with Joey Diaz🙏🏽 gangster💣
Favorite line "OH she's not a stripper, she's a real person"
Love when Bart mentions a story that he thinks he hasn’t told Tim before, and it ends up being a story we’ve heard about 3-4 times already on the podcast
Your a little confused but you got the point
I came here for this comment. The only addition he gave was where he said it for the first time.
Best Guest Bear: Sickler. Such a great episode that I've started binging old episodes of his pod
Lol I did the same thing. I try to find every video with Tom and ryan. Tom ryan and Bert need to team up more often
Nah. Bert should fuck off and let sickler and tom do their thing. In fact, tim dillon, sickler and bobby lee all made more enjoyable episodes than the bert ones
Nah Bobby Lee had me laughing the most
Ryan Sickler was great he is also great when he has Joey diaz on his podcast I really liked Tim Dillion to
Best Guest Bear: Tim Dillion
Bart looks like he's hiding a traumatic anvil injury under that hat.
Lmfaoo
Or he wants to go stealing picnic baskets.
Hahahaha
Hahahahaha
LOL
"I cant lose weight right now" gulps down a gallon of koolaid and 5 bottles of wine
And 12 burgers
And for two straight episodes. Almont passed out
Everyone just gonna ignore the fact that the first “scared underarm behind the ear” pic was Benadryl guy?? 😂
Literally screaming Law Abiding Citizen at the screen
This should should be called “Bert Talks and Tom Tries To.”
I feel like he was trying harder to let Tom speak this time.
Tom had to make another show, just to be able to talk.
2 berts 1 bored stare
Too
😂😂😂😂
Bert: I went to a meeting once...
Tom: A klan meeting?
🤣🤣
Lyle: Hang on, hang on, hear him out.
😂😂😂
Tom is so nice prentending he hasn't heard Bert's stolen football story multiple times.
Me: Listening to my favorite podcast while eating oatmeal.
Bert: "Yo bring up dilated pore".
idk how you listen to this while eating, I've tried but bert always says some disgusting shit
I love how ever podcast ends with Tom saying "love you buddy" like wtf they are so cute
Cause bert gonna die
@@darrensanimalsreptilesfish30 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😂😭
They are especially adorable while plotting their torture approach 😆
I tell my friends I love them everytime I get off the phone with them
Going back to the beginning of Two Bears, it seems like Beet started it on the first few episodes, and then Tom really caught on
Who else was yelling out “Law Abiding Citizen”?
I can’t remember anything about that movie but immediately was thinking that was it.
Yup
Guilty
100%
"naval stones" lolol. The amount of excitement in Berts voice hahaha
42:25 I feel like at this moment Tom finally started questioning legitimately the sanity of Chrysler
One thing I will always love about Christina is that she’s not afraid to say “retarded” 😂😂
Yeah I like that a lot
It's a very useful word.
She has a lot less to loose than most of her peers in comedy.
well that's the only thing then because she isn't a good comic
That's why Tom hears it so much 😂
sickler was the best... the way Ryan and Tom laugh, it's like they actually like/respect one another. Tom got to talk that day, that was nice.
❤❤you guys are amazing and funny. I’m currently going through a hard time with a break up that I don’t think is the end and I’m trying to get my spirits up and this podcast helps ❤
I love that I was yelling Russell Crowe Russell Crowe Law Abiding Citizen
We need a highlight reel of Tom looking at Bert when he says absolutely absurd shit like the look when Bert was talking about the bellybutton story.
Bobby's episode was crazy, just because I wanted to hear more stories about his dad.
if you want to hear moe bobby listen to Bad Friends, him and cheeto santino is amazing!
I had to turn that episode off, Lee is just so damn unfunny and annoying.
@@GentlemanGaGa29 : You're not the only one.
Bert doing Leann’s accent 😂😂😂
"I have this thing where...I wanna make sure I'm covered. So I got 12 burgers"
Ryan Sickler was the best guest. All the others were great but his chemistry with Tom is phenomenal. Also his laugh is legendary.
2nd'd
It's mad old by now but make sure you watch their sketch "9 inches" or search James Brown is 6'3"
Ryan's laugh is horrible and I can't stand to listen to it. Its fake and soo annoying 👎every time
@@Colt-wr6wx damn, sounds like you need a hug buddy
@@Colt-wr6wx how can you listen to this pod with Brent and Tim’s horrible laughs but you think Ryan’s is bad? No judgement, just odd to me.
Bert telling you this story like we haven't heard this story. Its like the machine
3 Musketeers is chocolate and nougat. Milky Way adds a layer of caramel. Snickers adds peanuts.
At 1:00:34 Bert says "A broken femur is a game changer." Foreshadowing....? LOLLLLL
This is like the 85th time I’ve heard Bert tell the stripper in winter clothes, and the FaceTiming a friend while getting a lap dance stories
Yea, I’m wondering myself how this just happened in Fort Wayne Indiana and then he later admits it was a year ago...
@@AH-mk4mk you know close to every single story comics tell is untrue. Highly embellished at best, a flat out over exaggerated lie worst. I don’t even think I have one story like any one of their thousands of bits, haha shows how much I suck. Once I realized most all of it is just bs, it stopped being as,entertaining
@@TheAverageSavage1021 listen to joey diaz he beefs up his stories but he is the most open and honest comedian
@@andrewcampbell9mm Joey Diaz would be the last person she should listen to if she doesn't like the BS dude...
45:45 "best lap dance I ever got" -Bert
Tom and Bert discuss there best and worst strip club experiences.
Sickler and Tom together are great, only better pairing is Uncle Joey and Sickler together. Hell I'd watch 3 or 4 bears one cave with any variation of these 4 names together.
A huuuuuuuundred percent
Hell Yes!! Be all over that!!
i think you only mentioned 3 different names lol.. id this bret?
The laughs in the background are amazing. Never get rid of that.
LAW ABIDING CITIZEN! one of my favorites 😂
Best Guest Bears:
1. Night pants Nation
2. Bert’s handler
3. Alex Jones’ son
4. The Daewoo Guy
Honestly Leanne being on here was BS and the Bobby Lee episode was about as good as Sickle Cell. Watching Tim Dillon make Tom speechless with pure comedic gold was awesome. He’s such a unique thinker.
I like this podcast, but it's no Drumline.
Its more a "stomp the yard" kind of podcast in my opinion
Def not a whiplash kind of podcast.
I was hoping it'd be a "roll bounce" vibe but this is okay too.
@@slimthickens3981 It's definitely not a Roots-type of episode, more so A Birth of A Nation-type of episode
@@robertcastaneda6162 I'm more so getting Soul Man vibes
Bobby Lee was by far my memorable Best Guest Bear! He needs a regular show with Tom.
Burt looks like the best fed prairie dog
“First time I’ve told this story” not true at all, he’s told at many many times on his podcast
Right? I could tell the story for him at this point
Yeah he’s told the first half of that story
I’m glad I’m not the only one who realized this
@@sandyqueppet501 same. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy when I hear him repeat the same story. Especially because Tom never says anything about it lol
@@sandyqueppet501 had to go thru to comments and find out if i was the only one who noticed bert repeat these stories does tom even listen to him as he just says "no i havent heard that"..
is anyone keeping a running tally of how often Bert tells the same story, heard this stripper in the snow gear one a couple of times
“This is the first time I’ve ever told that story to anyone”
Alcohol induced dementia is a serious condition
Glad someone noticed lol
Same with his "first time saying the N word"
The N word story was legitimately my 5th or 6th time hearing it
You guys make me die laughing. I listen to u when I feel alone lol 😆
The show ain't the same when you're not there Bert! But I always love seeing Leeanne too!
If you want to hear a guy shouting "Naval Stones!" this is the podcast for you
*Navel
He might have just jizzed his brown-stained leather briefs during that moment...
Tom literally had to make another podcast called tom talks because bert still don't get it.
That makes the title way better
I love Brent
I think Tom Talks is totally like the "Hey we know JRE is going off CZcams soon sooooo...". There's gonna definitely be some competition for that viewership. And I think Tom has a good chance at picking up viewers
the tinder for friends part had me rolling
Can't wait for the next episode of Confessions of Burt Krischer
Bert's repeating stories he's "never told before" again.
I really wanted to hear Toms Method man story.
brent is getting worse about this.
Wouldn't we all, if bert woukd stop talking we might
Bert looks like a budget Dan bilzeran🤣
"Tinder for Friends" Bert's trying to invent Pen Pals. Ha! Love it :)
The most unrealistic thing about Bert's revenge fantasy is that he would be able to overpower the intruders
The sheer weight alone might win him the fight, but if you factor in the Mickey Mantle gene and his horrid stench, he's basically unbeatable.
Don't forget how terrified they'd be when they find out those dogs aren't for home protection......
Bart secretly wants to get revenge on someone who ate one of his last 7 hamburgers without asking him....
Tom is really gaging at toenails like he didn’t watch people being used as human toilets on YMH Live 3
self inflected > no choice is why he cringes
I had a really rough time that day. Those toenails were nothin g.
Ymh live 3 made me question my own sanity lol
@@andrewcampbell9mm my mind has been warped
This is worse, except for foot maggot dude. That's equivalent .
Holy shit, Bert does an amazing Joey Diaz impression!!!! He needs to incorporate that shit into a joke asap.
So glad i found this channel, love these teo and yhe whole friendship group
its always dicey when a special needs person is being racist, but i think tom handles it quite well
Tourettes guy blurting "n gg R" and a black guy is getting sensitive over it. Laughing in church, it just gets worse as you stifle.
Look at Beetlejuice, he's a perfect example
This comment single handily saved my dog from bart
Ya homeless b?
I don't know where I am
Getting real sick and tired of all the hate directed at Burnt. I work at a humane society out here in LA and he’s here almost every single day. He takes strays out for one on ones and they always come back to the shelter more relaxed
... if smellier.
Albeit they’re walking a lil funny. He must be running them real hard
Does he really do that, stop by to help you walk the dogs? That actually is really good of him to do, I hope that is true. Because Bert seems like a really sweet, genuine person...... It will help me sleep at night knowing he does this..
(Me at night talking with my girlfriend before bed): "Honey, do you think Bert Kreischer volunteers at the humane society a couple days a week and walks the abandoned and neglected stray dogs so they feel loved"
(Girlfriend): "Yes babe, I really believe he does.)
(Me):"Good, thats good."... As I roll over to fall asleep
lmao thats why he picks a new dog every day, got give those bumholes some recovery turnaround time.
That’s ruff
The dude in the background noise absolutely dying at Bert Makes these even more enjoyable HAHA.
Best Guest Bear - Bobby Ree
My husband said “I figured out Berts excited voice - Will Ferrell as Elf.”
Ok Rachel.
@@alexmcmillan945 ?
Bert was wearing a Klan hood but he got hit with a frying pan.
Underrated comment
@@bradyuekert9067 appreciate it, bro.
"TYPE IN NAVAL STONES! TYPE IN NAVAL STONES!!...I found something i love!" 😂😂😂😂
Always a good time with Tim and Bart
Bert if are asking the question “Have I told you?” 9 times out of 10 the answer is yes.
Normally I'd say Bobby Lee's episode was the best, But that Sickler episode had me dying
That sickler episode is amazing, they have such a better balance like I bet if you timed how long each spoke it's almost 50/50 I think that's why the comments are full of Bert hate now, they've seen how good it could be.
Toms face when he learns something new about bert is priceless
This podcast is a testament to how much I enjoy Tom..
Bert continutally rediscovering his lack of impluse control is like a dog constantly discovering it's tail
He’s a typical alcoholic.
Bert: look up dilated pore removal
Nadav: WhAt i9s a dIlAtEd PO0r?