15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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1) emotophobia: fear of negative emotions, never want anybody to feel bad;
2) neurotic levels of naivety (denial);
3 ) neurotic desire to be liked and addiction to attention, even negative;
4) external locus of control (rely to an outside permission);
5) inability to say 'no' (boundaries) especially if there is use of guilting, shaming, whining, or all forms of emotional blackmailing;
6) excessive consciousness (taking as less space as possible because of lack of self-worth);
7) blurry sense of self (no boundaries), feeling other people's emotions and thoughts;
8) emotional dependence (codependence): after abuse some self-isolate (avoidance) and keep on playing the abuse from within. But 2 make perfect romantic woundmates, closed together tightly;
9) low self-confidence, low self-worth (having been treated like a piece of shit ---> believing it);
10) over-intellectualisation, rationalisation, justifying the abusive situation;
11) being addicted to approval;
12) immaturity (doing what others want of you);
13) too altruistic and compassionate, neurotically wanting to help or keep everybody happy all the time;
14) loneliness, isolation (becoming a beggar),
15) easily impressed by new concepts, things and people.
Thanks!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Wow, not only thank you but there are some new, deeper context. You must know the topic well. Love the term "woundmates". Question about number 14 - how loneliness makes one a beggar, I wonder. Thanks so much!
uh oh
out of all the dumb things I watch on CZcams, I have finally found something that was worthwhile and was genuinely an eye opener.
I avoid human contact as much as possible because I know that if someone violates my boundaries I won't stick up for myself, and then I will realize it after it's too late and my bitterness and resentment will grow. I've been trained to automatically suppress that surge of righteous anger that naturally arises in us to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, isolation also increases bitterness, because now i denying natural impulses to connect with people. Retraining myself how to feel those self protective feelings is the key to breaking out of this. I've had it all figured out on a mental level for years, but without that feeling it doesn't matter. Action follows feeling.
It is like learning how to walk all over again. You need to find the people who aren't horribly offensive, and cut out the ones who are. Maybe it is just a shop where the owner is friendly and chats with you. You can try to frequent there and just be open to good experiences with people as you gain trust and confidence in dealing with them.
@@Babu-kr3cr Maybe at first but eventually you have to learn to interact with people who will push boundaries. I'm not meaning to start an argument. I just think you could run into someone who is offensive in the wild and your untrained. At least if you can pick the when/where of your engagement you can get some sense of control and/or safety.
Something to think about, hope it helps.
God this is relatable. I just take care of my animals and try to avoid people.
ive learnt to say no, on my death bed --- a bit late but oh well.
A few years ago it dawned on me, if I can please others why can't I please myself? Badaboom! I started taking myself out to dinner, buy flowers. Travel to places I had never been. Changed my religion in a sort of way. I stopped buying people stuff when I'd go shopping, it was absolutely crazy how my focus was on other people, then I'd forget about myself. Now when I shop, I buy myself some gifts, feels like Christmas! I love my own company, don't mind being alone in a crowd.
Your happy post made me smile. To my ear, you've reaching the "self-championing" Richard described in this video. Well done you!
Cheri Sunday i want to get to that place of loving myself.
Cheri Sunday, so, do you like Chinese food?
Fantastic to hear your healing story.
Thanx for sharing much love.
This thing with feeling tired after being with other people because of lack of boundaries...aha moment!! thanks!! mega thanks!!
The Precise: me, too. An AHA moment. I take insulin and would invariably overshoot the days I went to book club, they sucked so much energy out of me!
Edit: I gave away so much of my energy trying to please them all. That's more like it.
This is a wonderful combo with autism ;) ( tried and tested)
Chronic fatigue syndrome right here!!
Isn't that just being an introvert...?
It's amazing how much information we can get just for free. Thanks, Richard. Thanks Life
What should be mentioned too is that it's very convenient for the people around you when you're a people pleaser. So when you start to assert yourself people around you will most likely try to guilt trip you back into being the "nice" person you used to be. I've lost a lot of friends by establishing healthier boundaries and I'm currently more isolated than I was before. But I think it's worth it because I'll eventually attract healthier and happier people in my life.
My friends always tell me I’m a people pleaser but at the same time I have noticed that when I try to say no to them, they make me feel like an asshole and they keep INSISTING that I do something or go somewhere that I do not want to go.
Naivety...yes. If I had a dollar for every time I told/convinced myself that my mother "didn't mean it like that," I could retire in Hawaii.
And now all I can hear is Sal's dad getting crank called on Howard being told about "island in Hawaii." then his dad flips out like hes going to do something before his son has to break the news and he starts scolding him in Italian.
Just like hes 7... Oh dear
As an update she still will not see that she is the angry onne aat everything... I was raised to be a perfectionist and it hurts me and when I tell her its "too bad" or "not my problem" and all I can think is if i was a psychopathy it could be worse but no I have to stay the nice guy who gives a just little too much a dam... my disorder I guess.
Me too! 42 years old and just waking up.
I could retire with you...Maui?
Artist Survivor 39 and awakening. I wilk retire with you too
These are the results of people raised by one or both parents being narcissistic. There is no room for the child to have their own needs or make their own choices. These children grow up to learn to please others to survive in life. They tend to draw a lot of narcissist to them in relationships - ugh. A great book: Trapped in the Mirror !
I will check out this book thank you
OMG yes! 53 and just now waking up I've always thought I was the black sheep of the family but I didn't I guess want to believe that my family didn't love me but all of their actions show me they dont. My whole family is dysfunctional every one of us got anxiety depression...a generational curse.. I'm just really mad at myself for just now figuring it all out. I'm now grieving who I could have been had I had the right encouragement and love. Tell you what, my family is in for a big surprise. I'm walking away from them.
I have a narcissistic mother. This sounds cruel to say but when she passes I will not cry for her, but will shed happy tears for my father who will also finally know peace.
@@photojunkie9916 Hey there...just my 2 cents but I would invite you to give yourself more of a break. This information has just really began seeping into the consciousness of the people as a whole. It wasn't so known or even so easily available just a few years ago. Many people I work with in my LMFT practice have reached their 40's and 50's before they begin to look at these patterns more closely. Best to you...
Shila Prosser Thanks. I'm just thankful that cause I've been validated and I now know what's going on with my C PTSD and now I've got tools on how to fix myself.. I know I can't make others fix themself, and I love my family but I choose not to allow them into my personal life anymore. Still trying to find a new therapist. Because I'm I'm aware I can't do this alone I need someone to give me feedback let me know I'm headed in the right direction and when I'm not..and just helps to vent and talk about it to someone. I'm now starting to feel my self-confidence coming back some, and my worthiness so I'm on the right path, I just wished it hadn't taken so long to figure it out. but it is what it is. and I'm going to make the most of what life I have left in the mentally healthiest way that I can.
I became a people please because every time I stood up to someone, I had a whole group of people give me tons of trouble. It never seemed to be an argument or issue between me and one other person. I always felt ganged up on. I could never fend myself off from so many people. You also know what they say about if many people think something than it has to be true. I started to doubt my thoughts and feelings. So I now get them from other people. It is a really horrible way to live and very limiting. I hate feeling like everything I do is wrong. I tried to look in the best in people because i thought I was being too judgmental. Call me naive. I seemed to attract the wrong types of people. I also had a horrifying childhood so there are other reasons. I would like to break out of it, but it is so deep rooted in me. Now I'm a recluse and have a huge distrust on people. I feel like I'm writing this to seek some type of outside validation which makes my whole comment ironic and making me learn nothing. I'm just glad people are making videos on the topic. So thank you!
Ollie, I grew up in a house with my mum (a very loving and intelligent woman), my aunt (a narc) and my grandparents, who others would have described as 'old fashioned' but frankly they were hypocrites who put me down a lot and did untold emotional damage. My mum relied on them for childcare and to keep a roof over our heads so couldn't make too much of a stink if the others were giving me a hard time, and yep, sometimes ganging up on me, although I do remember occasions where she let rip to protect me. I asked my mum many times if we could get our own place together, but she wasn't able to 'mum up' and do this. How I wish she had, albeit things were tough for her as a low-income single parent in the 70s and she didn't know then how much damage they were causing. But the damage is done and there's no point in holding that against her, especially as she has always been very supportive and proud of me. That said, I never burden her with my problems as I perceive weakness in her stemming from my childhood experience, and never quite get how other women share everything with their mum.
Until relatively recently I found myself going from one bad relationship to another, despite a lot of research and personal analysis. I'm finally with the loveliest man, he has his down moments as do I, but he treats me very well and I strive to treat him well too. We've both grown emotionally and calmed down as we've aged and use our people pleasing instincts to please each other, and it works well for us. We both enjoy our own space and respect each other's need for this. I still feel rather dissociated in a large crowd of people, especially when I don't know many of them (for example at a recent family wedding on his side I found myself being a bit clingy with him, albeit in the house his immediate family had rented for that weekend I felt very comfortable in their company, with seven of us there). I do make a conscious decision to either push myself to make light conversation or mindfully take a stroll outside to be on my own when it gets too much for me. I now also share an office with six guys, we're all techs with tech egos, we get on great and tell each other to fuck off quite a lot, and strangely that works really well for me! My two closest colleagues I can talk to about anything, they're sound guys and it took time but I trust them.
You've obviously thought a lot about this so it's unlikely you've learned nothing. What you do with what you've learned is another story. If you want to improve your lot it sounds like you need to make little changes, little by little stepping out of your comfort zone. I hope you find the peace of mind you desire xx
Ollie I have the same problem you do I know exactly how you feel but I'm sorry I can't help because I'm looking for help myself
I think you are learning because you are asking the questions and examining the facts. You can only grow from that. Don't feel ashamed to not have all the answers. Sometimes just working on the questions is good enough. It is hard to say no, to resist evil. It is a skill that is constantly being practiced. We aren't Christ who is perfect.
Thanks for sharing man. I’m glad I’m not alone in this
@@MJ-gl8wv I'm glad this was helpful! It is hard to feel alone struggling with this. I hope we can continue to grow though this.
Might add excessively honest
Yep. :/
The World According to Wilson: excessively honest is still one of my worst mistakes...could that fall under #5, "inability to say, "No?"" I'd like to see it as a separate number, as well, though, as it is somewhat different. But usually there has never been a question too personal, impertinent, embarrassing, or whatever for me to honestly answer, whether I want to or not.
Jillian Smith, I know precisely what you mean. I am the same, lol.
The World According to Wilson I do the same thing!! I wondered why I do that. Thank you, for bringing this up. 😊
I have this problem too.
Once the victim gets a sense of self the coaching is over. It's very good, I've never heard that one before. When I got that I quit going to therapy. 6 months after that I was a completely different man, full of life and depth and no bad ties to the past. Great intro too :)
I just woke up out of my brainwashing at the tender age of 47! OMG, I have every damn symptom herein discussed. Every relationship has been with narcs starting with mom and every relationship since. I’d find myself dumping nice guys; couldn’t be attracted to them. Now I’m realizing that my feelings wishes dreams opinions should be respected; Your videos give me so much comfort and meaningful guidance. Plus your voice is so nice. Thanks for lighting the way ahead. Better times ahead. 💓
13 out of 15 here! Problems with rejection and saying no! Feels like I’m disappointing when I say no. always rationalize with saying “ I’m mentally stronger than everyone, so I can take it” but wonder why I’m ALWAYS tired, feeling completely drained and avoid ANY kind of social gathers, my favorite saying is “people are too draining “ or “I hate people”.
People pleaser syndrome is very much like the Passive Deffering Dependant Personality type. Highly Neurotic and commonly known as the Doormat.
Wow. I've found that I developed a comedic style within my family to avoid negative emotions so typical in the family. It's like I had to be funny to keep the negativity away. I have noticed I try and be funny when I'm scared. REVELATIONS UP THE WAZOO TODAY.
Exact same...called being the "mascot" from what I recall
Comedian Jim Carrey has said his childhood was EXACTLY like this. No true emotions 'were allowed' and he had to turn everything into a joke just to get by,
I do that to automatically diffuse a situation
Yes, it's stupid trying to be funny when you are scared. Context matters, but I think that most of us don't get close to being pocked with knives in our daily basis. I'm so sick of the hell I've been through. It's horri, horrid.
I became the comedian and the performer to accommodate the abusive dynamics in my family growing up. Knowing that my passion for music was tainted by a manic desire for a balanced home life was devastating to realize. Now I’m a music therapist. Projection is a funny thing.
Yes, yes, yes!
Honestly, learning HOW to say "no," has been one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself.
I love the style of this - very informal and down to Earth... but always very articulate and informative with plenty of references, clear examples and solid reasoning. Thanks !
+Finlay Cowan well said - so true!!!!
I avoid abuse by isolating myself. I need to learn a healthy manner to not avoid conflict. I don't back down if I am confronted but after I feel like shit. I don't like hurting people. I've stopped letting my in the moment anger take over and instead avoid or walk away. Thank you Richard...I love you
Wow! I have BPD, CPTSD, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I had a codependent relationship with my mom growing up because of her mental illness and the fact I parented her. My dad abandoned us. He was also a narcissist. My aunt beat me starting at a young age. All this sounds like me.
I was 100% people pleaser until I became a truth seeker, which just became so much more important to me than what other people think. Thanks Richard.
"easily impressed by new concepts, things and people" just be yourself man
if u dont like something, u dont like it. if u do, u do. no reason to stick a label to it. there's subjective concepts of our reality too instead of just objective factual concepts
A few years ago I suffered the same. I remember spending over $700 on Christmas gifts for others and got back nothing! And funny enough, my gift-giving made (healthy)people REALLY uncomfortable! And I still couldn't see it. I was violating THEIR boundaries with, what I thought, were "nice gestures". Good thing I snapped out of it! There is a dark side to people-pleasing, that healthy people recognize and keep their distance from. That's why people-pleasers seem to "only attract narcs/vampires/users". Healthy people are repelled by one's excessive need for approval & acceptance!
Thanks for your sharing... I am a compulsive over-giver, and then I have to deal with being hurt, angry, and resentful when I get next to nothing back. I am aware of over-giving and am trying to curb it...but man it pops out in a moment! My mother constantly told me how selfish I was, and that I only cared about myself...beginning when I was really young, ( was going to say "small,") so I wonder if I am costantly trying to prove her wrong?? I don't feel like I'm trying to buy people's love because I pretty much isolate myself... Not sure.
@@eagleeye2300 Thank you so much for responding.
Yes! It's the same root cause for me. My mother always shamed me for being "selfish" and "ungrateful".
Although the reality was, I'm the eldest of 4 children. The first sibling being 8 years younger than me. And because my mother was an alcoholic, neglectful narc, I soon became the "mother", not only to myself, but to my 3 siblings.
I essentially had no childhood whatsoever, because I was constantly "mothering" my siblings! (Food prep, bathing, supervising and even disciplining all my siblings, from the age of 8 and onwards).
Whenever she was concious enough to be aware of our needs as children, she would blame me and call me terrible names + "selfish" and "ungrateful".
The nerve of her!
Unfortunately, I had internalized her sayings for most of my adulthood and attempted to prove her wrong by over-giving to strangers/acquaintances/"friends".
And so, in your case, you're also, most likely, trying to prove your mother wrong by being overly-generous.
If I could suggest....whenever you feel compelled to over-give...re-direct the gift/thought/gesture back towards YOURSELF.
This may be hard for you to accomplish the first few times due to internalized feelings of guilt or shame (it took me *years* before I could finally buy myself NECESSITIES without immense guilt & shame).
But, practice giving to yourself. Be it more time, a gift, even kindness and consideration.
For example, feeling tired? Take a nap! Get some rest, re-energize your body.
Feeling lonely? Engage in a peaceful activity like reading/listening to music/dancing or something else you *think* you might enjoy. (For me, it also took years to find the things *I like* rather than setttle for what others told me I should like or what would make others happy!)
Turn your over-giving inwards to yourself. Because truly, what you're attempting to give to others, is what you're craving for *yourself*
Hope this helps!! 💓💓
@@marij5589 I just saw your reply today...It was from a while ago...I had come back to watch this clip, not realizing that I had been here before! So thank you do much for your comments and kind suggestions. I appreciate them, and your caring, very much. Hope that you are very well.
Oh my goodness. You were born to act! Priceless. You talk about an incredibly painful subject and people are laughing through their tears. Bless you. I hope you meet the perfect woman for you and have a load of little Richards one day. You deserve to be happy, and to have an adoring family!
Why doesn't he have perfect woman
im sure he has, lots of :D
Because I live here in the United States HAHA No I am not a NARC...I just date them.
Yes yes his amazing thanks for all your work n experience with the issues I thought I had and were alone.
Yes ' you seem very nice rich . God bless your future.
I can't seem to wear clothes that I like. For instance I would like hesitate to wear something cute but afraid of what other people think and then change my mind
Same here :( I used to wear the clothes I like but then I always got criticism and criticised about them from my mum or even my best friend saying " oh you wear the same clothes each time, it's getting old wear something different next time" or even " you cant go out like that." Just makes me feel bad for upsetting the people I love. Then I do what they told me to do so that they are happy.
Hey! "...Shine on...You crazy diamond!!"
looking at the number of comments here .... and I thought I was the only one (people pleaser with narcissist background) ha ha ha, ...and would be willing to bet all the commenters here are great people - we can do this! Thx Mr. Richard.
Yep, Cindy!
I am definitely a people pleaser -and it is ironic people who suffer this seldom feel that they have done anything good enough. My mum told me some years ago at a family gathering that when I was little she would pretend to be angry with me and blame me for something because at 3 or 4 I would break into tears, run up the hallway and throw myself face down sobbingg on the couch. She did it because she thought it was funny. As the youngest of three I was blamed for anything-if my brother was asked if he did 'it' and he said no and my sister -same - I was automatically the one to blame. And yes, I now have an avoidant personality -work all day as a people pleaser and away from work hide away to the sanctuary of my home.
j9andphoenix I do the same thing at work. Trying to grow now, growing is one of the most important things in life.
Noah Ploderer I am totally avoidant in that when I don't have to face people, that is - thank god it is the end of the week and I can stay home and not have to deal with anyone's crap- all week I struggle through and bounce of the walls just to please the bosses and although I KNOW I do a great job it still seems like nothing. I would love to feel like I had a good week once in a while. Never do. NEVER.
Well, have you ever thought of pleasing a higher Power instead of bags of flesh? Truly I tell you, if you make it your aim to please the Highest Power, you will please the Souls of the sons and daughters of the Highest Power: Love, Faith, and Peace, A.K.A God. You already have the first step done, so you don't have to feel like your starting something you never knew. Rather, since you already make it your aim to please, you can put every detail of your pleasing to the One Who actually minds and cares about it.
Sociotropy is a personality trait characterized by excessive investment in interpersonal relationships. You were emotionally abused as a child, just like me, then started with depression in adult life. I suspect?
Stephen Blower good
As a gay man I was abused by my narcissist mother and so I attracted female friends that had the same issue but luckily my father was a good guy and so I was attracted in the dating world to nice men, so I was never abused by men just by female friendships and I was used to the point of no returned by them until It all hit home on August 15th 1996 and it all stopped I am so glad you are doping these videos sir
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Farhiya: I flagged it...but until you posted I didn't know what it meant. Nasty. I'll know from now on. Thank you.
I understand that from my perspective it is the female perspective for survival in an economic downturn and it seems to just come natural for them.
Doping the people with the videos.
Shauser, what are you talking about?
I think if you have a soft nature you tend to put others first and there are many people who will see this in you, and use you for there own ends.You will attract the nastiest types who will treat you like a doormat.You will be bullied and put down in front of others.I have been a people pleaser all my life.Now at 63 it's a bit late in the day but better late than never to change it.
Sigh...My whole life summed up in 15 points
I am a 42 y/o woman and me too. It not only destroyed my life but in doing so trying to please my mother whom she always would say Honor your father and mother knowing I respected the Bible and tried to fear GOD though I stumbled many times I see how she entrapped me and psychologically corralled me. So thank you for your channel. Very informative I still take the responsibility for my part. It is my fault. We have one life to live.
@@shauser1926 my grandma tries that bullshit on me. I just ignore her 💀💀💀 I'm the only concious one in my "family" i feel like the chosen one but it is a lot
Same
Na, Jason, you're not alone brother.
This is me too I’m actually quite speechless
Jesus!! I've got all the 15 traits you mentioned. i've always been a hopeless case of 'people pleaser' & it sucks. people just take me for granted, walk all over me & i feel unfairly cheated. i've learnt to just cut off relationships completely ... especially ones who are very abusive, manipulative & dominant. i know it's not a healthy way to deal but it kind of works for me.
My mother showed me rage n hostility, father modelled conditional love. Grew up as Codependent, n avoided intimacy with overachiever syndrome.
StarlightnDust
I feel so responsible for everyone's happiness. I'm the comedian, tap dancing to my family's needs. So exhausting! Thank you!
I want counseling,your videos are helping me heal. I just went the torture narcissists I was treated horribly. My health started failing & it aged me. I want to get back to normal now. I'm soo glad this information is available cause people find it hard to believe some of the stuff I went through.
Thank you! You just clarified 47 years of my life's bullshit! Wonderful. I will buy your course when I get my next paycheck.
Generous, generous, generous. Thank you Richard.
These are just ideas, there is no recognised syndrome called "People Pleaser Syndrome"
They come from my own personal experiences being a People Pleaser "doormat", conversations with clients and other peoples research.
Braiker, Harriet B. (2004). Whos Pulling Your Strings ? How to Break The Cycle of Manipulation
Simon, George K (1996). In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.
Kantor, Martin (2006). The Psychopathology of Everyday Life: how to deal with manipulative people.
My course that I offer on Self Assertiveness is available from here streetfightsecrets.com/self-assertiveness-training/
The traits are NEUROTIC levels of:
1.Emotphobia (not emetophobia)
2.Naivete
3.Desire to be loved
4.Inability to say NO
5.External Locus of Control
6.Excessive Conscientiousness
7.Lacking proper boundaries
8.Emotionally Dependent/Co-dependent
9.Low self worth
10.Over intellectualisation/rationalising away wrong doing
11.Addicted to approval
12.Immature
13.Excessive unfettered altruism/philanthropy
14.Self Isolated
15.Impressionable
facebook.com/pages/Richard-Grannon-The-Spartan-Life-Coach/421569931230215 Please like my facebook page
The forum spartanlifecoach.unlimitedforum.com/
In schools bullies have a natural instinct to recognize such people and they love the fact no request they ask for will be rejected.
***** I know what you mean by having "mug" stamped on you. Damaged egos stand out to arrogant people.
***** "creepy concern troll" !!!
I´m having that. Perfect label. Faux concern that justifies them prodding at you invasively with their sticky fingers whilst cooing loving words. Repellent on many levels!
***** You know you write as if you don't socialize a lot. It's as if you live in your mind and your words though making sense to to is sometimes incoherent to someone else. I had this same problem years ago and still do to some extant. I would write things that make no sense to even me years later. Other people are not privy to what is in your mind so we cannot associate your words to your experiences. You have to explain what you mean fully and not take mental shortcuts. I hope you don't take this in a bad way.
***** And this is why I try not to help people with criticism online. You wrote 7 posts and an entire essay to answer me. Don't you find that strange? Don't worry bro I won't bother you again.
I'm a people pleaser (with Aspergers) I always apologise even when I'm right, I always justify myself to others and I find it very hard to stop thinking about and find it very hard to deal with conflict. It's tough to live in this way and always feeling like a target, problem is I am not currently being sociable and I am finding it hard to make new friends, so i go back to my old ways to my old social group which arent good for me. Am currently avoiding a person who has invaded my old social group and someone who is toxic. Maybe i'll get my self worth back, but its harder to do than think about. This is a great video mate!
I hope things have gotten better since this post but nevertheless I will pray for you. I wish you well.
Sometimes we learn to people please when we are children. Parents mean well, but some don't want their kids in any conflicts, or want them to be polite to everyone, even if the people are narcissistic and selfish. We hear things like " don't hurt anyone's feelings. It makes us hold back and let the situation become a people pleasing fiasco. I had OCD about this, at one time I was people pleasing an older narcissist. She caught people in her web, and would threaten us when we stood up for ourselves. I hope things are better now. I understand that feeling, I felt like I didn't want to hurt someone but finally told them off. It sure felt good.
I relate 💯 percent to your statement (from 5 years ago). I’m a female Aspie with many of the same issues. Aspergers and people pleasing seem to go hand in hand unfortunately. And yes, I too am struggling with isolation and making new friends. This stupid disability is a constant struggle. Best of luck to you;)
You're brilliant...yet you can be quite hilarious. A very humane individual who isn't afraid to be himself. Thank you for the information and for your time.
well gee, this sounds familiar. I'm a doormat, but instead of looking how to be a happier doormat, as i have been doing for my entire adult life, I'm finally saying "fuck this doormat shit". god...where to start?
This is actually very enlightening to my own history. Thank you very much for this.
I married my dad the first time, and my mom the second.
I married my mom the first and dad the second🥴
This video was very hard to watch it fully I kept stooping it also made me want to cry, thank you for this wake up
call.
Part therapist, part Monty Python. It makes it easy for me to relate!
Thanks so much, Richard. I am a highly sensitive person, who can identify with so many of these 15 people pleasing traits. At the moment, I am at the beginning of the process of healing from being in a highly psychologically manipulative marriage. Being and choosing to stay in such a toxic environment for 13 years has definitely taken its toll on me. Thank heavens I have two children. As with so many who are abused, these victims tend to tolerate, deny, or explain away the abuse done to them. (Especially when the abuser so eloquently seesaws back into “charming-empathy mode” right at the brink of when the victim feels like they can’t take any more, and actually starts contemplating leaving the relationship). It was when I realized that this emotional manipulation was also being utilized to begin controlling the way the children were acting, re-acting, or feeling; THAT is when a different spark/sensation finally kicked in. All emotions carry specific amounts/types of energies. Whereas I had come to the very low point of feeling/being deeply guided and desperately trapped by overwhelm, helplessness, and fear; now, because of the children, I was struck (for the first time in I can hardly _remember_ when) by a flare of anger. It was finally this emotion (even if it only lasted for a very short moment) which was able to give me the needed energy to actually be able to do _something_. It was the first step of me being able to leave the situation, in order for me to then be able to get help, and then consequently to also to get into a position (and frame of mind) where I was also able to help and support our children again. I am again on my journey of finding myself again! It’s amazing. I have always tended to be co-dependent, but before I never got to the point of actually practically loosing who I am all together!! It happened so slowly and so covertly. Definitely a master manipulator. Although, I sensed from a very early stage that something was very definitely “off”, I was never truly able to put my finger on it in the beginning. At the point where I still would have had enough stamina to do so, the abuse wasn’t as strong. Yet, through constant and relentless gaslighting and triangulation for so many years in a row, once I had been reeled in by the illusion that _I_ was the one who was losing my mind and who needed help; by that time, I was rendered so helpless and dependent that I was no longer able to find the strength to be able to “get out”. Anyway, what I am trying to say is THANK YOU for being among the many who are getting videos with factual information out there. For me, it is not about being able to ‘diagnose’ a person (or persons) who have been able to have a toxic affect on me. It is about looking forward; it is about the awareness. It is about the healing, and learning what I can do so that I will not be drawn into a new toxic relationship in the future. Also, I want to be a healthy role model for the twins. What struck me about this video of yours is that I realize that I am very much still stuck in isolation-mode. Whereas I am, and always will be a very outgoing person, this got me to thinking about how I am still very much bound by anxiousness/fear when it comes to “getting out there again”. I have stopped doing my hobbies. I even find it extremely difficult to pick up the phone in order to just call someone, or suggest we just meet up for coffee sometimes. It takes amazing amounts of energy for me to be able to connect with others again. Superficially, no problem. Being friendly and saying hello when I’m out and about town, listening or being there for others when _they_ have problems, absolutely no problem. Yet, I am afraid of getting too close or attached to anyone again. It brings back memories of all of the demands and expectations that came along with then having to continue to regularly keep in touch with these persons. It’s like I’m afraid I might end up disappointing them, and this is a feeling I very much still struggle with. That, and as you mentioned, feeling not only the need to be complimented or motivated, but that without this, I have a hard time being able to start or do anything at _all_! It all just feels so extremely daunting and/or strenuous. So, I tend to stay away from contacting others. Even those friends which I definitely know accept me exactly for who I am. This fact frustrates me, and has me feeling a bit more stuck in my healing process being able to continue moving forward. I put most all the energy I have into being a single, stay at home Mom. That the children feel safe, have healthy meals to eat, and receive unconditional love. That they learn that they do not have to earn love, or behave in a certain way to be accepted. They are who they are, and they are allowed to be true to themselves and their emotions. It is not the child who is “good” or “right” / “bad” or “wrong”; it is the choices they make (or do not make), or the behaviors which they choose to display (or choose not to display) that needs to be looked at, guided, and/or disciplined. Growing up is a process. The goal should not be feeling the need to reach someone else’s view or goal of “perfection” in order to be worthy of love, or of *being alive*, even. Successes and mistakes are a normal part of life. It is how we experience. Through these experiences we are able to choose how we might want to respond the next time we find ourselves in a similar type of situation. I feel parents are there to guide, to listen, try to show healthy examples, uplift, inspire, support, and, above all, give unconditional love. Growing up is hard enough, *without* having the additional inground fear of being personally responsible for other’s negative emotions or emotional reactions/outbursts. We are responsible for what, when, where, and in which tone we speak the words we say, or the words we write. Also, the way we choose to physically touch another person. We are also responsible for our own reactions and responses to/toward others. Every one is allowed their own opinions and emotions. All emotions are there, and felt for a reason. No one emotion is better or more important than another. They are mere indicators of how we are responding to what is happening around us. We are, however, NOT responsible for someone else’s reactions or responses toward us! We may well be the reason for/cause of why these emotions occurred in the other to begin with, but this does NOT give the other the right to punish, shame, or put blame on us for their emotional reaction or emotional response toward us. Wow, I didn’t realize I would be writing so much! Sorry about that. Anyway, I do look forward to watching many more of your videos. Especially those on building up self assertiveness and overcoming this people pleasing syndrome, which I obviously have been a slave to for far too long. God bless, and I wish for your future all the best. Maybe, one day, I will see you at one of your seminars. Peace, Light, and Love from Switzerland
Almost every single trait I own. I won't stop loving people. I won't let the abuse change me for the worst.
So meaty! So practical! Thank you for naming the specifics that I can now work on!
My guilt is bigger than my understanding so therefore I feel I need to understand more
Thank you so much, I’ve been struggling so much and now I’ve found myself from this lesson. I have never felt comfortable telling people about my feelings because I don’t trust anyone anymore. I’ve been judged wrongly because of family members that are narcissistic and turning others against me even at my own church. Now I’m understanding who I am and who they are.
Thank you!!
12:44 glad you mentioned this about MJ! I couldn't find such analyses on youtube yet, while its very interesting to understand his behavior. He being a codependent / people pleaser makes so much sense in every way, also why he was surrounded by lots of narcissists, even some brothers I think are.
I can imagine a lot of MJ lovers would love you to make a video about it, and it would be a great example of how codependency developes in a dysfunctional family.
Love yourself first...never hoover..pull the cover...move on if they cant join your call..live for you first!
Jeez, the over-rationalization part gave me goosebumps, it is so close to my situation. Recently dumped by a narc, and I'm definitely guilty of over intellectualizing his actions. Fit almost all of these traits but especially that one :(
I’m so happy I found your channel. I definitely am a people pleaser.. finally took the first step to cutting off my family because there is no changing them
I'm in love with this guy 😭😭😭 not literally of course. But I haven't come across anyone who has deacribed my entire life like this and does in a matter of fact way yet gets it 100% right. I've been self isolating since I was 12
Wow you're amazing! Where have you been all my life?!! Thank-you so much for sharing your awesome videos.
You are so comical! I enjoy your videos. I know this 1 is old, but it is timeless for those of us who are just coming into the knowledge of this stuff.
Thanks for your humor in a situation that could possibly overwhelm us with seriousness (if we let it).Fun is helpful...laughter is good for the soul!
All I can say is a huge THANK YOU for your CZcams posts. This year I feel like a light bulb has finally gone off in my head after a violent childhood, bullying and self esteem issues all my life (oh yes and I am a people pleaser too) and having to deal with a narcissistic abusive relative. Your posts ring so true with me I am feeling extremely emotional and grateful that I have been led to your clips. I am going to purchase your self assertiveness course and am looking forward to starting to heal and move on with my life. Your insight is amazing. Thank you again.
This is utterly brilliant, how simply and logically it's laid out and explained, and how the pieces connect to the relatable. Thank you RG. This information saves lives and sanity.
You have opened my eyes, looove your videos! Very entertaining! Your spanish was perfect actually
You are such a kind and intelligent person. I thank you so much for your in insight on many issues which plague us as humanity--especially, the ones that deal with NPD....
Feel a big relief that this is treatable and that im not alone! thank you strong souls here 🙏 Sharing and supporting each other ❤
Thank you so much for this video Richard. I have only been following your channel for a few days now and you have helped me tremendously. I am a product from quite a dysfunctional family and I believe you have now given me the "tools" to protect myself from their insidious emotional and psychological abuse. Big thanks! Keep up the good work!
Wow. Thank you for addressing this. Now to focus on change, because not only do I need it for myself but I must make sure not to raise my daughters thinking its okay for them. This video has been such a blessing. I pray you continue helping others to awaken as I have. Bravo!
There is so much freedom, once the people pleasing cycle is gone. I had to end one way friendships, and one with a very selfish person. Sometimes, there isn't even any words to say, I just stopped communicating with them. I knew if I told them, the friendship is one way, the response would probably be they don't care anyway. They put up an emotional wall, there's no way to get through the icy personality.
***** You're not alone hon, I have had several of those throughout the years and I too just walked away from that. Keeps you sane and sets you free.
damn you are so sexy because you know how to use white makeup the right way... because you are not visually retarded like all those other women who can not see the difference inside the mirror...
First time watching your videos. Thanks! Its makes me tear up a bit hearing how well you describe adults who people please due to past trauma. Do you have suggestions on how to take steps out of people pleasing?
Hello Richard! Thank you very much for the overview. I've only started directly addressing my people-pleasing mindset this year so it's great to have resources like yours to keep me on the right path. 🙏🏼
I really appreciate this list. It gives me a great tool to use as I assess where I am at this time. It is an amazing break-down of these important concepts. Very grateful to you for sharing. I have learned a lot today as I have found you by chance on youtube.
The inability to say no can lead to letting people down and breaking promises constantly. I think a great way to overcome the inability to say no, is to think forward to when you let them down or break a promise and how much better just being open and saying no up front is. No upfront maybe a challenge, but lasting relationships and building trust is far better and if someone gets mad at you for saying no, you need to think about the relationship you have with this person, because there is no resepct for your boundaries if they get mad at no. It feels far better to say no then to let someone down after you said yes to try and please them.
+Stormy Cube Thank you for putting it in this perspective. I just told my employer I could help him with something but I'm not so sure I can. I just wanted to be nice but in the end, I may not meet those expectations.
+Kyreem Powers This is something I am still working on. Now, depending on your relationship with your boss you may want to discuss with them that you have given more thought to the task and go over with them the obstacles you see that can prevent you from fulfilling the task. I used this strategy as I started working on saying no in my own life. If I said yes to please (which was like a second nature response for me), I would go back and discuss what I thought could potentially be an issue. Luckily when I really started using this method at work, I had a pretty cool boss who was receptive to the yes-wait-no response. Many times she would give me a different perspective or give me the tools I needed so I can complete the task to include additional time. I have found just talking and being open is so much easier and ultimately removes the stress of trying to do more than you can. You also start reprogramming yourself so your first response is not to please and you begin to learn why you are saying yes. What is it fulfilling in yourself to say yes or please, what is it that you might be avoiding and the list goes on of why you want to please. But, not all bosses are understanding and might get irritated that you are now pointing out the issues, so I caution with using this strategy for your current situation. If your boss is cool go for it, if not maybe not for this situation, but moving forward instead of saying yes, you may want to ask for more details of the request so you can point out obstacles or tell them that you would like a little more time to access what the request will take and get back to them fairly quickly. That is great advice I was given and it has really worked and helped. But as Richard points out in this video, these are deep rooted behavior traits. I have watched countless hours of self help videos and watching and learning from other people and I attribute all of that to what has helped in building the strength to be able to say no. Videos such as this one. I have found when you want to learn and discover more about yourself and grow you will find what you need in so many places. Just keep looking and believe in yourself! I doubted myself a lot when I started. I wish you the best!!!
I am very fortunate to have a very understanding boss. Going forward for if I have a new boss I will definitely go with the advice you have used! I can see how it can look on the receiving end when someone is just trying to please you instead of doing what is the best course of action for that situation. It is so hard because it is so ingrained into me to people please. I have currently been on the journey to try and better myself and I just want to be in a place where life feels less of a nightmare and something I am apart of. I pretty much agree with everything you said and I'm glad you have found a way to break that habit! It is not easy. Thank you for the support! Wish you the best as well! :D
+Kyreem Powers That is great you have an understanding boss! As you continue on your journey it sounds like you will have the freedom to grow, at least at work, as you stop people pleasing. As for the nightmare... that was how I felt too. It felt like a constant nightmare, but it can and will change. In my opinion, being aware that you are doing this is the first step to changing it. But, not necessarily just the awareness that you are people pleasing (that was something I recognized years ago and yet still couldn't break free), but why you are people pleasing and what are the things you do to people please. There is so much information in the "Why?". One of the self help vidoes from a lady who went on a journey to heal after her life with abuse shared a concept about asking yourself why? I took that and started doing that with everything so I could get to the root of my statement. Ask yourself why/what of anything. So, you might ask yourself, why do I feel like I am in a nightmare? And you might say because I feel stuck in an uncomfortable place and I want to get out. And you then you might ask yourself why is it an uncomfortable place, what is it that is uncomfortable or what is keeping you stuck there? and you might say it's uncomfortable because I don't want to let other people down. What happens if you let people down... etc and as you ask these questions you start to dive into the root causes of things. Keep going until you end up with that feeling that core feeling that makes you pause. :) You're welcome for the support and thank you for the well wishes. You said a number of things in your post that resonated with me and was very similar so I wanted to respond to the nightmare comment. That too will subside over time, I can't say it goes away... at least not in my experience, but it is no longer a nightmare I am stuck in it is a place to reflect in. I hope that makes sense.
Stormy Cube It made a lot of sense, thanks!! :)
I chase the love I missed from my mother in the men I date.
Rockin Roberta Where do you live?
Rockin Roberta same, but chasing father's love.
@@snoopy5736 Aren't you fucking thirsty.
Same here. But it led me to mistakenly dabbling in lesbianism. I could never truly connect with women (inherently mistrust them), but I found the sex was subconsciously repulsive and dissatisfying to me. Finally, I made connection that I was looking for that motherly love from those interactions (no disrespect to lesbians, but I wouldn't be surprised if a proportion of the lesbian population is in the same situation).
RR, glad to see your footprint here ;)
Thanks for the information. This was very helpful
thank you for posting your views .... they are clear and informative .... and i like the humor you put in it.... it lightens the somber subject .... it helped me see what i am and not be ashamed of it....i just want to learn to put myself first once and for all xoxo
I love you. I’m not a crazy fan. I just love you. That’s all.
Not only did you speak about this subject Perfectly but also a very Handsome Man👌🏽😉
Thank you for posting this video, it was very informative. I do have some of these traits. Smooth sailing and many blessings to you
I love the way you deliver information...it cracks me up!!!!
You tackle such "heavy" subjects, with a great deal of informed content, & obvious intelligence...that's a given...I really respect that...but the WAY you put your points across, is like a good friend, who cares about you, telling you how it is, at the pub, or something.
I love your genuineness (is that even a real word?), mixed with theatricality....I used to be in the theatre....so I suppose that style appeals to me, as I tend to take things way too seriously these days!
Thank you, for taking the time to make these important videos xo
Extremely on target - some may not be as strong for me, or yet identified/understood - but this brings a great deal of clarity to me.
I do believe you have diagnoses a sound syndrome - sadly enough - wish I had knownn this years ago.
Thanks -
So comprehensive... easy to understand....
MrLisztia
This video was exactly what I was looking for! You basically described me fully here and I'm not even upset because I feel like I now have hope to fix these issues. Thank you!!!
Your videos are among the best on the subject.
You don't seem like a people pleaser. You started out having just eaten something, so you weren't caring about how you looked, you said because of tech difficulties this was just how it was going to be, you weren't afraid to be a little animated, or use words some people find offensive. Obviously, you're in recovery.
I think you forgot one trait: GUILT. Most of the clients I work with that are people pleasers have guilt unless they are people pleasing. They feel selfish otherwise. This runs rampant in the Southeast, I believe because of the Bible Belt. You may have been including this under extreme altruism.
Ooh. "Pathological Altruism" the subject of a couple books I've read excerpts on, within the Amazon database. Newer area of free-standing research.
The men in my life have reflected my narcissistic mother :)
Well said. Clear and articulate. Food for thought. Thank you.
holy shit. oh my god this is THE MOST ACCURATE AND THOROUGH description of my life that Ive ever heard. this is my mother in her relationship with my malignant -narc -with psychopathic -tendencies stepfather, which taught me all of these things as totally normal.(I bet you can see where this is going....) I have just recently realized that I am avoiding the tension that comes with any type of confrontation, and now I find out it has a name... wow.
this list/ video describes me in all of my relationships throughout my life. I MUST CHANGE THIS because it is killing me with all the narc's around me. thank you so much for posting this. People Pleaser Syndrome may not be in the DSM, but it should be. good job on the research/ study of this. the clarity of someone describing it in detail helps me to recognize it and address it within myself. this video might quite literally change my life. changing the idea that I have to ask permission for every friggen thing in my life is first and foremost. I just had one of those light bulb moments. thank you. sincerely from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I am a people pleaser and it sucks.
My dad said a few things to me, the more memorable ones being:
"I expect you to fail."
"You are an ignorant and short sighted person."
Cecilia A It is okay to fail. In failure we learn and grow. We are all ignorant and short sighted in ways but through hard work, education and perseverance we can change that.
Cecilia A Cecilia A
Wow...I would say that your father is an A-hole for telling you that.
What a horrible way to cripple a child's self image growing up. On the
upside, diversity is apart of life and great men have all failed in
endeavors and it was those failures that made them great men. For lack
of a better metaphor, a Japanese Swordsmith has to beat and forge an
imperfect piece of metal several times to form it into one of the
sharpest most balanced blades in the world, the Samurai sword. You're
going to fall down and scuff your knees a few times before you learn to
ride that bike....it's important that you get back up and keep peddling.
Moreover,...no one is born knowing how to ride that bike.
That s horrible. Sorry
That is horrible.
Please try to surround yourself with those who see the best on you. Just the fact that you are watching this video tells me that you have lots of potential, you are very open minded and I expect you to reach your highest potential.
Thank you for this! Really clear, easy to follow and great info. Thanks for clearing up the part about these traits not being part of BPD.
This one is so good that I have to watch it three times. The third time now, I am jotting down the ones that I have. Thank you, mucho!
Oh Dammit! I'm self-isolating!!! Any tips on how to overcome the mortal fear of messy human relationships???
I'm confused.
As a child I dealt with the things you describe, however I'm not naive anymore. I'm married, and though some of the things are true, I'm not naive to the fact that people are liars, that people will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want, etc. I don't lie, actually people have told me they don't like me because I'm "too real" or tell me I'm negative because I know the reality of things is you can't really rely on anyone but yourself & people will routinely disappoint you because they are more focused on pleasing themselves.
However, I dislike disappointing people because I've been disappointed so much and I don't want to inflict onto others what I've dealt with. I think I'm just weird...lol
K&RB3: you sound like me. I've been called negative, too, for similar reasons...but I've worked a long time on getting over a lot of things on that list--they sound like I used to be and some I could still work on. I don't think you're weird; I think the whole damn world is weird!
Your videos are really valid and instructional. Am sharing some of them. I basically don't know many people who weren't abused as a child, so I can imagine what you're doing here online being really healing.
Thanks for the video. Something I needed to hear.
Great video. I am working on all of the above ...all 15. Yes, childhood experiences can really mess us up. I used to think that I was the only one who went thru that. I like a book called Co-dependence The dance of wounded souls by Robert Burney. It also really helps me. It's all complicated. Thanks for the u Tube video.
Have you written a book?
Chiming in on the "Have you written a book" perhaps one in the works?
"Yeah yeah he pulled my fingernails out, but I was talking and acting like a communist" hilarious hahaha but brilliant and accurate as well.
Another great video! Thanks for all of your help! You've helped me realize things that I never knew before and for that I am very grateful. Keep up the great work!
Hey, I love your videos so much. You make such sense and give me a great laugh! Thanks angi
I think about 10 out of 15 of those hit me. I consider myself a pretty strong willed. calculating, logical person. Then there's the other side that is way too emotion driven and the two are always doing battle.
Yes, I do have this people pleaser syndrome.For example, the excessive conscientiousness...When I pause a video, this video ( and I do sometimes because I want to make coffee or something like that) I don't want Richard Grannon to have a funny face. Closed eyes, or whatever, so I press the play button for a split second and than it's normal again. :-D. Well, it is a little joke, but it's true. Very good video's!!
OMG. I hear you! Never even thought about it, just noticed. It is a kind of joke, isn't it!? And yet--not.
Im so glad i found this video. it's helping me so much. i hope i can find a sense of self worth soon.
Awesome videos, thank you so much for making them
Hi. Thanks for the videos.
I'm only about a third of the way into this video, but I have a question about trait no 3.
Would you say that someone with 'People Pleaser Syndrome', shares some traits with a 'Narcissist'?
The desire to be liked seems prevalent in both personality types. The former 'having' to be 'liked', despite what happens to themselves, and the latter having to be liked despite what happens to others.
just a thought.
SPARTANLIFECOACH the theory goes that the gender of the parent is not impt, but rather that we end up repeating the cycle with the parent that we had the most issues with as subconsciously we are looking for that parents love and to resolve our childhood issues.
Thankyou shingingstar77
I repeated my issues with my Dad with my brother. It was infuriating, because I really resolved them with my Dad before he died, partly because I changed how I was dealing with my Dad, and partly because my Dad changed at the end of his life. Then I come to find out, I'm doing it all over again. It has really showed me that it was ME that I needed to work on; the fact that my Dad changed before he died was just a gift.
Dear spartanlifecoach: Bullshit. I believe we hate that parent for the duration!
Take a few more classes🙄
I want to thank you for your videos. I have been watching them for the past month or so. I work in the operating room, and full of NPD types. There is one anesthetist that picks me out to dominate and bully. I didn't know why before, but it was because I challenged him. It really helps when they fit the description so well. It also helps to be able to take a step back from it all and take it for what it is. I know now that if I go up against someone like that, I will never 'win'.
Fabulous video Richard thank you x