Anger, the Betrayed Spouse, and Boundaries
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- čas přidán 19. 09. 2018
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Samuel speaks to the betrayed spouse on what anger is costing them in their recovery.
A post from: www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog
How could you not have anger when they keep lieing and carrying on this lifestyle and denial?
The anger, the rage, the pain the betrayed feels is due to the Betrayal Trauma that they caused. The betrayal trauma has to be addressed and treated before anything else.
It sucks! I’m anger for 3 months and I cry everyday! I cried sooooo much last week that I got sick, not fair what this is causing in me!!! So frustrating!
Katie Anderson I feel you. Two months and I prolly cry nearly every day. My stomach stays upset, headaches, and bathroom issues
Me too. I get my period and I can't stop crying. For hours every day. The hurt and anger are at times unbearable.
Honestly I was just praying over this very thing, anger and boundaries ( I am the betrayed). I so struggle with self control in setting boundaries and how to do that in a healthy way. God is good. He always provides help when I need it ❤️
so glad it helped you my friend. thanks for posting and watching.
I feel the exact same way about this channel and THIS VIDEO PARTICULARLY!!! I’m grateful GOD sent help!
I found out about 5 months ago that my fiancé had a month long affair 3 months into our relationship with a co-worker. While it certainly could have been worse, and I’m sure many situations out there are, I’m still struggling. We have certainly made progress, and she is giving every effort to repair our relationship, but I still find myself regressing on days, and getting upset or looking for information that brings up my pain again. When this happens I do find myself wanting to just continue arguing, “shaming” her, and making her feel bad for what she’s done. I’ve tried using the timeout method mentioned in the video, and taking a pause, but it only works temporarily and we’ll have a few more good days once I just let it go. I don’t think that what I’m doing is a healthy approach...is there anything I could be doing different so I don’t feel like I’m just dropping my feelings each time? All of your videos have been extremely helpful, and have been a saving grace in leading us to professional help.
hi matt. are you using our time out protocol? here's ours just in case: s3.amazonaws.com/media.affairrecovery.com/docs/Time-out+Protocol_AffairRecovery.com.pdf also, i would take harboring hope for the betrayed spouse asap which you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope have you considered you may be dealing with trauma and need some care for the ptsd-like feelings and struggles you're having? it's real. it happens. your situation is not the worst, no, but your feelings and struggle is still valid. you may have some trauma you're dealing with which makes it harder to get a handle on your feelings. are you journaling as well? what recovery work are you doing as a whole and we'll proceed from there.
All I can say is 😲, this is very important for me to understand. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Samuel, i agree with you, wholeheartedly. There’s one little gray area for me... (I’m the betrayed) when you talk about conversations being only 25/30 min then a break is needed, I’m thinking to myself that most the time it takes that long to get my spouse warmed up to even engage in the conversation. Realistically if there was a flowing conversation for 30 min about one topic, then I would totally agree. It’s normally my husband who has the problem with staying on topic and not bringing up something from years ago that I did...after going down that bunny trail, and while trying to get back to the original conversation, he looks at his watch and he’s done with talking, that’s when I feel angry and frustrated. Or... the other scenario is a discussion that during that initial 30 min where he responds initially with something sarcastic and hurtful, and instead of loosing it, I get quiet, and then we will sit there, and an hour will pass without anything hardly said and my husband will say - we’ve been at this for an hour - I’m done talking! I’m guessing these are problems in and of itself, and you have a videos for it too.
I said all that to get your feedback again about the time before a break is needed. Because its tough for the betrayed when married to spouses who really don’t help the process, and sees your video, and uses it 😝 against you.
Please, please know how much these videos are appreciated.
so glad the videos help you my friend. i'm sorry he's taking that sort of tactic against you. it's common and yet destructive.
I've watched a plethora of your videos but this is my first smoke-blowing praising in the comments to say thanks for the most articulate, informative, helpful perspectives of the subject on the tube.
thanks kenwick. appreciate you watching and commenting.....I think within that is genuine like for the info. hahahahaah. means a ton, thank you.
Thanks again Sam, I am still struggling to conquer the anger ,(I am betrayed) three months back, trying so hard to calm down and I know , by doing this it going to push him away from me, need to set some boundaries, my question is how & when to set those boundaries?
Once again, great video. I have worked very, very hard to set appropriate boundaries to protect myself (the betrayed) and, at the same time, offer her some healing. They are very reasonable. I have offered to communicate calmly with these boundaries in place (we are living apart). The answer has been, "No." She wants to pretend that nothing happened but, at the same time, claims to be dealing with immense guilt and shame. It is as if she wants going to a therapist once a week to "fix everything" but is unwilling to do any real work that would take humility and some sacrifice.
i'm sorry brother. i hope you can continue to hold your ground and take care of yourself and your own healing.
I found out on Christmas eve my husband was having an emotional affair with a close family member on my side that sat the kids. I feel like I'm in a lifetime movie. I can't get past when I ask a question and he responds I don't remember or I don't know. A question of you cuddled with her and did a numerous amount if times but you felt no guilt at all. Or would you have stopped at just cuddling if I didnt catch you? Im stuck. I feel like he doesn't care.
he's at some level probably trying to protect you from details, which in his mind seems admirable, but in your mind hurts like hell. he's also controlling the flow of information and trying to decide what you need to know and don't need to know which is another controlling mechanism he probably doesn't understand. here is a helpful article for you and for him if he will read it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell i hope that helps. i'm sorry he's doing that to you.
My husband stated they was just friends at the bar. After this all came out I don’t want him hanging around with women or his friends. That’s all they do is go after women. I don’t think married men need to hang out with single men my dad told me this would happen and I didn’t believe him.
Are there any videos that deal with the couples that split up? I love the videos there helping me alot. We had to seperate and not work on staying together. Any videos that maybe help me focus on what i should do , most of these deal more with ppl staying together.
hi lynn, great suggestion. i'm working on a couple and bringing in a guest on divorce etc. for now, there are within the videos several suggestions on taking care of your side of the street, and working on you. reading books, getting expert help, self care and self love. what are you doing for yourself right now while separated? how long have you been separated?
I betrayed my fiancé’s trust and disrespected her. She has been sleeping in the guest room and I sleep in the bedroom for the past week. I am afraid her past relationships where she was cheated on are affecting this one. I made an in appropriate joke via text with my ex. How do I or we work past her past relationships to show or prove this one is different and can be fruitful? She believes I am not committed to the engagement which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
i would find expert help asap my friend. i would do all you can to help her heal and make a way for her to heal. i would find an expert therapist that can work with both of you and help you both understand weaknesses, vulnerability and wounds. it's vital you both find the healing you need to move forward.
Here is my problem I feel I'm trying. My spouse feels I'm not.
I been having a hard ti.e with lieing to him.
I saw the person my affair partner went to after the affair ended. And didn't tell my husband. He said you with held information so you lied to me because I didn't tell him. What does anyone think.
How do you deal with gas lighting?
two videos come out this week that will help answer that question. look for one tomorrow, tuesdy and one thursday.
My girlfriend of 8 years left me for an affair with a married woman. She refuses to end the "friendship". They had sex a few times but she is attached to her child and won't end the friendship.
What do you do when i have tried being calm for her to tell the truth and she still drip feed and lied and blamed everything on me for almost 2 yrs now. And even now if i try to stay calm and ask a question it takes 30mins and still not get a real answer still and I can't not blow up after waiting patiently to still get another bs answer of i don't known or i didn't think I was doing that instead of accountability and owning the truth. And then she refers to this video as an excuse of why she can't talk still after 20yrs of lies blame and says I'm shaming her for reminding her of what the last truth about something was and still get excuses or blamed for shaming her when i sat quietly waiting yet again and still not get a real answer that's obvious after 10 different lies about the same thing she has admitted to but still not the truth? Absolutely insane to deal with. Now doesn't actual full disclosure and ground zero still have to be done first?
hi ryan. without ground zero and full disclosure, it's very very difficult to heal. there isn't much hope at all without full disclosure. what's keeping you in the situation and marriage? have you considered a separation? if she refuses to cooperate, there's not much you can do ya know? maybe the writing is on the wall?
@@samshealingpodcast trying to work it out for my daughter's also bc i know my wife needs help to deal with things from her childhood that had happened to her. I also know the excuses and things she blames me for doing are more of what her abuser did to her and her blame is most likely fear of me doing to her and is just projecting on me. Took me 20yrs to see it bc of my childhood being so bad which she saw aswell and is why we agreed we would never break up our home and put our children through the things we went through. Now it's seems it's happened bc of her fears and insecurities and she always acted out bc of it hiding it from me the whole time. Now I'm afraid my daughter's will end up the same way in the future if she doesn't change or from them not being with her or me I know affects girls a lot in the future. Tough spot to be in when trying to break the cycle of abuse and neglect and know one can see it but me.
tough spot indeed. however, if she gets to do what she wants and there are no consequences, i'm worried that there is any motivation for her to stop doing what she's doing or stop refusing to get help etc. in no way do i mean to be some arm chair quarterback counselor.....i know it's hard as hell for you and I'm sorry. finding expert professional care for you is vital so you can see all angles of the situation from an expert's opinion is key to be able to perhaps draw some boundaries, communicate expectations and consequences. here's a video that will help as it's something crisis counselors do with addicts: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change you can break the cycle my friend.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you for the advice. I have watched that video aswell actually have watched all over yours at least 3 times. Just really hard to find good help in my area. The therapist she is seeing helps a little but not like a specific would. Wish we could do the ems weekend as does she but know way to afford it now with everything, I know you understand very well from hearing your story. Thank you again keep up the good work it is definitely very helpful to the majority of us and your own recovery is what gives me hope.
Oh I did set a deadline for full disclosure with her a couple weeks ago just haven't determined the consequences yet mainly bc they all effect my daughter's from being with there mother which is also just as bad but maybe what's needed for her to see what's needed.
And in all this. What if its the unfaithful that WILL NOT TALK! Claims he does not want to even remember it. In my opinion by him not talking. Its pushing me to a NOT CARE POINT in my life. His affair happened 7 months ago. Chose to stay ar place of employment where he did this.
if he won't talk about it, then perhaps there are a few reasons: 1. he's overwhelmed in shame 2. he's convinced if you know all the info you'll leave him 3. there's more you may not know and he doesn't want to tell you 4. he's thinking that if he doesn't talk about it you'll leave it alone and be done with it and you'll just 'get over it'.' if you're serious about wanting him to talk about it and it's not an option for you, i would use these two resources to get him to understand if he refuses to talk about it, then you're going to be done: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
wow. when i confronted my wife with the affair, she claimed she couldn't remember it either. this is the same woman who can recount my actions while angry like it was yesterday but now claims she can't even remember meeting him for coffee even if the emails clearly document the event. my wife will not talk either. i have started to use Affair Recovery to start healing. it has been a gift to know it i am not crazy or out of control.
I did rage and shamed her in the beginning like the first few days after Dday.But after all that we had talks and she swore she told me a everything then a year later she comes clean on more information.So why is it they can’t come clean right away cause now I feel she is hiding more information about the affair and It has me stuck.Its been 2 1/2 years now and I want to bring it up but don’t really know how to start the conversation.
My wife has always had a temper. About 2 years ago i stupidly started a sns conversation with another woman. This was dicovered 3 months ago. My wife was crushed. It has destroyed her. Her anger is incedible, violent, destructive and she is harming herself. I'm desperately trying to find a way forward. Im trying to be humble and understand but I get so frustrated when she tries to hurt herself or swing at me.
I dont know what to do.
if she is a danger to herself or yourself, you need to call 911 immediately and protect both of you. is she open to seeing a trauma therapist? that's vital as well. perhaps she can also get on some medication to help her with the swings.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you for your reply. It means a lot.
I am at a loss. She is on medication but I don't really see any progress. I feel things are getting worse to be honest. I betrayed her. I conducted an online conversation with someone I shouldnt have. There was no intimacy or physicality to the affair but my wife is crushed that my attention was on another woman. She no is trying to force me to cut everyone bar her out of my life, including my family who didnt empathize. They said, "It's no big deal, its not like he was sleeping with her" and my mum screwed up by suggesting that the step daughter has always made our life difficult.
She is a danger to herself and a danger to me at the moment. When she is violent and I try to leave the situation she turns it on herself and I end up staying and restraining her. When she loses control she is terrifying
I'm trying to follow your advice as much as I can but I am being backed into a corner and have nowhere to go. anything I say is held against me. Every truth I give her is either shot down as a lie or makes things worse.
I am sorry for unloading. I have nowhere else to speak
@@Sunny-Side-of-the-Street-39 i'm sorry brother. i know that's painful for sure. i think if she's conducting herself like that, it would be wise to call the police if she is a danger to herself or to you. there's only so much you can tolerate and accept.