Misjudged and Misunderstood (I'm Autistic - Not Arrogant)
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- čas přidán 14. 06. 2024
- Do others often get the wrong idea about you? Do you have to constantly deal with people's misconceptions? We may be regularly misunderstood, but there are some simple things we can do to change that.
We can't control how others may see us but we can control how we want to be seen. The challenge is how we can communicate ourselves to other people by being our true authentic selves and not by masking. In this video, I share how I coped, my strategies to avoid being misunderstood, and what I learned through the importance of emotional intelligence.
EQ 101 - EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COURSE:
autism-explained.teachable.co...
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:36 - A common misconception about me
01:05 - 1st reason why I'm misjudged as arrogant
07:25 - Strategies I use to cope and how I avoid being misunderstood
13:14 - 2nd reason why I'm misjudged as being arrogant
15:05 - Lessons from Emotional Intelligence
CHANNEL LINKS:
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thirty.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul
Yes, all of this. Spent most of my life upsetting people and not knowing why. Say something factual - and they have a meltdown. It's exhausting.
Ya know, I think this is what I have been mistaking for my terrible aversion to liars!!! I hate liars. I want direct answers.
exhausting
It's ironic that they're the ones having meltdowns haha. I feel similarly about the mention of neurotypical people relying on scripts 😂
@Joseph Lucas I like the nuance in your perspective there
@Joseph Lucas See I have this feeling that it cannot possibly be quite AS exhausting for NT's since by far most people will have brains similar to them and the world basically caters to that brain type.
Oh indeed they do not owe us understanding, but I do feel autistics could probably contribute more with just a couple of relatively minor adjustments. I'll pull the ol' Elon Musk out since apparently he's the Asperger's poster boy now. Clearly there are a lot of things he is very good at and he is probably also very intelligent, but I do wonder how he would perform if he would've had to always do all of the housekeeping and cooking and look after his own kids and NOT have financial funding and a high value network as starting parameters. No this is NOT a rant about it being unfair, in fact I am quite happy for him, I'm just saying I think there are a handful of relatively simple things we could be doing to have autistic minds like his contribute more, better things to humanity
We're not responsible for other people's erroneous misinterpretations. I'm very quiet, especially in social situations where there are people I haven't met before. People assume I'm arrogant, without considering other possibilities - maybe I'm just shy, or anxious, or on the Autism Spectrum.
My ex-bestfriend avoided me for 2 years while being in the same class and living in the same (small) boarding school before talking to me for the first time, because she thought I was arrogant and really mean! Then one day, we were waiting for our train to go back home, but the train had an issue so we had to wait almost an hour before it could come. I was the only one of our class left at the train station to talk to, that's when she found out I wasn't mean or arrogant. We were inseparable since that day, until other issues lingered and I had to say goodbye.
Thank you for true words. Doesn't matter how much we are trying when other side doesn't try at all. Autistics have much bigger problem because of attitude of others than not knowing how to comunicate in the best way or things like that, it's not therapeutical problem, not inner, but a social problem.
Yes!!!! Look at the mental games that he said we need to do to not appear arrogant yet at the same time he said we need to be genuine. That is totally contradictory! However, he did a good job of pointing out the difficulties that people with autism have in dealing with others not on the spectrum. Rules that come easy for them would be almost impossible for us to follow.
Yea.
There IS an element if truth to what you say. I recognise that you want to feel free to be yourself.
However you can negate it by learning one or two adaptations/pointers/ hints/tips etc though. It will happen less frequently. You will achieve better relationships as a result. You will be more well liked by others. They will then be more willing to help you with thing's in life. We all benefit when we get along with others. We all sometimes need help fron others, be it jump-starting a cat battery, or getting directions, a work colleague offering help if we aren't sure about sonething, you name it! On this earth we need one another, so social skills ARE important in life.
Or you can not take any responsibility for ruining other peoples days? 🤷🏼♀️
And continued telling yourself itself not your problem it's theirs.
Who benefit from the latter? Absolute no-one. Think about it.
Oh, yes. People say I'm arrogant, stand-off-ish, unapproachable...the whole gamut. But once they get to know me I'm not as scary...as the legends say.
I can tell just by the way you talk you are all the things they say you are 😂
@@TheSomeguy4444 First of all you already judge someone you don't even know personally for the vocabulary they use in a single sentence and second of all think about what you say to someone first before you say something like that because it can lead to self-doubt for the other person.
Very subtle 10/10 niche meme
Same
Ive always been called anti social mostly and rude cause Im off on my own most of the time reading. They say they want to talk but then have conversations around me with someone else so i dont bother
I struggle with autism and a host of other difficulties piled on due to a life undiagnosed and trauma. In truth, I am often mystified as to how I come across. I seem to go out of my way to be thoughtful, considerate and to an unfortunate degree, people please and I still am misunderstood. I'm getting tired of trying.
Me too. It gets very old and depressing. 😔
Maybe you need more friends on your wavelength, so you don`t have to explain yourself? I had to cut ties with a few friends because I was fed up of being misunderstood, it was like we were on different planets. Now I have less friends but I feel like the ones I have get me and I can be myself more. Which feels better to me. :)
Sometimes the problem really is with them, not you. Which is tough because there's nothing you can do about it. But good because you don't have to do anything about it.
You are first and foremost a thoughtful, considerate person because you try. Period. Not everybody that appears to have luck with social setting does, they might just have better marketing skills. I am sure that you have a lifetime of experiences and thoughts that run deep for the worse and the better. Though not everybody has the willingness or ability to see all of that, there are those that can recognize what that means by an understanding of their own life journey. Not an expert, however someone smarter than me made me realize than no matter how well the theory might be in your head to fit in with people, or fix problems.Ultimately, it often falls apart because other people have their own ways they are trying to do the same. It's okay to be you, you matter. It is okay to also get to know who you are and what is you trying to find ways to heal from trauma. Anyways, you are not alone in this world. Hope you can access some good professional resources to help you find a path beyond trauma. Also the ownness of all this doesn't fall only on you. Hope you find people have the gifts of understanding context to give back to you what you have been trying to put out into the world. Hope this wasn't too rambling or an overreach. Take care of you.
@@Jo-kh1yo Where can we order these?! I've searched all my life, but the few close friends I had have now passed away & I have no-one at all on my wavelength left.
Spectrum folks tend to be skeptical, but because of that, we don’t easily fall into the same peer pressures as typical people.
My favourite thing! I wish everyone were like that and instead of seeing it as a threat, actually appreciated it. We shouldnt have to pander to idiots applying their own unfounded meaning and who play victim because of a chip on their shoulder
Im skeptical of big Harma because i learned the hard way that the modern conventional medical system is built on corruption and doctors believe what theyre taught and dont care to question. Its probably common
@@bvfckyou I use the word idiot very frequently. There do seem to be so many idiots around. I can't think of a nicer word for idiot. Dumb-ass isn't much better.
@@lornahuddleston1453 yes theres no point in lying about it lol. Is what it is!🤣
I'm not so sure about that, look at the majority of patients with gender dysphoria who are autistic and being convinced that sterilising themselves and chopping off parts of their body is the solution to the feeling of disconnect from the physical body brought on by autism.
As far as arrogance for not trusting "professionals' - its also because most of us have spent out lives being misdiagnosed or passed over by professionals. Convincing doctors you're not lying or jonesing for drugs - just trying to pay a bill on time or remember a birthday or peel yourself out of bed. Telling teachers you ARE trying constantly but no one believing you. Trying SO hard and not understanding WHY you're late AGAIN. Telling doctors you know something is different or wrong and no one believing you. Having consistently bad reactions to prescriptions and medications given by professionals getting it wrong every time or not believing your sensitivity. Even as children with sensory processing disorders - reacting MORE to sensory stimulation and being punished for our senses being turned up or not having the processing skills to react with the correct amount of neurotypically approved emotions and no one believing our differences or needs until we sub-consiously gaslight ourselves pathologically and just spend our lives tensing through noise and blaming ourselves.
For the undiagnosed/disabled - mistrust of professionals and "authority figures" is a trauma response to our life.
And now you want ME to do MORE work to explain it to you!?!?!?!
Yes I am quite done with "professional help", like it was nice at the very start just to get some frustrations off my chest and have somebody finally listen and nod in empathetic understanding, but once that was done I really truly did not get the help I knew I needed so now I'm just trying stuff on my own.
I've also been funding research into autism these past years which someone I know is doing who could not get funding through the university route. It's unlikely though that this is an investment that will pay off for me personally, since scientific research is a slow route that will usually take decades before it translates into anything practically applicable. But in this way perhaps future autistics will have to suffer less and humanity can benefit more from this type of natural (genetic) variance
Yeah, that's exactly how it is.
@@StillGamingTM how wonderful, bless you 🙏
Thank you!
To find someone, who feels the same way as I do, put in one elegant sentence at the end, thank you! It feels good to not be alone with that view, even though I am sorry you had to make experiences leading there.
I think this can play into why so many late identified autistics get a borderline misdiagnosis even when they're really not co-occuring. Aside from the emotional reactivity and identity issues, dissociative like states, ect, clinicians could be picking up a sense of abandonment but it's more inspired by the trust issues with clinicians.
Then when they perceive the arrogance of having some clinical knowledge under your belt, along with social apprehension and rigidity, theyre probably going to assume disordered personality.
I'm often misunderstood when I analyze or process things. I want to learn and understand. They either think I'm creating problems, complaining / being negative, or arguing with them. No I'm trying to understand what's going on, to learn. It can be processing or analyzing my own feelings and thoughts, or others, or just situations and general things.
Same
same, just don't do it, my friendships became better (though more superficial) since I stop talking about it. whenever I catch myself switching to this, I stop, I say "anyway, that's not relevant, but tell me, how are you?". ...and in groups I space out continuing my analyses in my head. people say I look less interested in general, but at least are not freaking out anymore or cutting the contact
I need to copy paste this
Me too.
First time I've written a response. I'm doing so as this is also how I'm misunderstood and how I have to analyse and process to understand whats going on.
I get misunderstood a lot because IMO NTs do not read carefully. I try to be very precise and specific with my communication in an attempt to avoid misunderstanding, but they assume (incorrectly) after the first few words what the rest will be, and/or, "read between the lines" for what they assume I must really mean to have asked, and give me the answer to a different question entirely. This puts me in a position where I have to either accept their inappropriate answer and move on, or repeat the question and sound arrogant and condescending, as if I were implying they are stupid.
This rings true for me.
The big challenge is that body language and tone are the vast majority of meaning-not the actual words we’re saying.
At work, it takes effort to add the proper tone and body language…and so it’s easier to just not talk 😂
Oh my god this is something I've been struggling with SO badly at a new job I have. It is SO frustrating!
What if NTs are the stupid ones?
I’ve spent a lifetime changing the way I speak and dimming my light so as not to make others feel uncomfortable. In retrospect, it’s no wonder that I feel like a failure. Thank you for your tips, they are very helpful 🙏
We weren't put on this earth to please people who don't even care to know the real us.
@@aaacomp1 Whenever I was a child and expressed my needs, wants or preferences, my mother would say to me In a mocking voice “I wasn’t put on earth to please you!” I appreciate your sentiment in this different context tho.
Same. But why should we hide ourselves just because people might be jealous or offended? Our intentions are not bad. It is all about ego I think. Remove ego and you remove being offended
Wow. Same, I make your words mine. Thanks.
Have a nice day and much light for you.
“Rise.
As if the sun has taken the day off and hired you as its substitute.
Leaving behind its lesson plan in a world full of students who can see no practical value in what you are teaching
Teach them,
Today's lesson is the same as every day before it.
Because the class has been struggling with this assignment.
Shine.
You must teach this by example.
So hand out sunglasses.
And do not dim yourself for the sake of their comfort.
The world is practiced in demanding that those who can cast light not do it with such radiance.
Show them.”
-Shane Koyczan, excerpt from ‘A Letter To Myself’
I’m 70. Undiagnosed. This has described my whole life. Never figured it out.
This is the problem for many of us with autism.. we have to learn how to be perfect diplomats and communicate very carefully so people don’t find us upsetting. It took me so much energy I can’t have friends anymore. It always came down to some times when I forgot to be super sensitive to their needs and forgot NT language because I was really engaged in a subject I talked about. And again a friendship is lost. I never tried to be rude or arrogant.. to NT speaking like this is “normal decency” but to me it’s tip toeing around and being extremely careful, and it’s tiring.. I gave up on friendships. Even autistic people and I misunderstand each other for some reason, it’s not better there. I have my fiancé and we understand each other normally, but no one else. If I keep people at distance and only talk work with them it’s ok, but nothing personal.
Yes, feel like I need a script at times!
boy, do i relate to this!! it’s the classic case of “i’m too autistic for neurotypical people, and not autistic enough for the autistic crowd” 😢
truth; this has happened to me too many times. I've had friends for years who would literally ghost me at some point and not even tell me why. To this day I still wonder some of my friends aren't my friends anymore. But oh well!! I'm trying my best to be okay with it so long as I'm authentic to myself. I don't know my point but I get you .
Oh man, this is the case to me as well! It's so exhausting to be extremely careful all the time to the point that I can't emotionally afford to have friends anymore. Sometimes I forget to not be so honest and filter my words, sometimes coincidentally I can't help feeling apathetic due to mental exhaustion when they need someone to listen and respond well, and when I can't provide them emotional support I feel so bad for not being able to. I'm currently feeling like reaching out to an old friend, but I can't help to hold back and assess first, lol. I'm worried if it's going to go well, is it going to be worth it, can I handle friendships better this time etc.
When I was younger, others apparently thought I was arrogant - but for other reasons. I only learned about this much later. It had to do with me being very shy and cautious and not initiating any conversation with those I didn't know well. I didn't even say hello. This came across as if I thought the others weren't worth a word. The true reason was that I was afraid of being rejected when trying to talk to them or I didn't want to disturb them or annoy them with my presence. It's much better today, although meeting other people is still a challenge.
Oh, I still remember the two times I got called off as being arrogant or feeling myself too good to talk to the others. One of those was from a teacher...
That's when I realised I had to stop waiting for the others to get me involved and try and put myself forward. It also helped to think about meeting new people as something mutual. The other person is on the same situation.
But if left to my own devices, I'll happily stay in my little corner.
I've had several encounters throughout my life, where I've seemingly ignored people talking to me and just walked on by, because I couldn't believe they were talking to me, I didn't know these people and had never talked to them before, so my first reaction was, they can't be talking to me, and since I'm slow to process while stressed, it passed the point where it was too late to respond. I'd like to think I've gotten better but catch me on the wrong day and it'll happen again. So yeah, I've often been mistaken as arrogant when the truth is, I'm terrified around people.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It resembles my own,
Best solution: avoid surrounding yourself with ppl who don't have a growth mindset or are open to it. No more headaches and many less misunderstandings. Those people are boring anyway and I found that at the core have very little in common with me/us.
Agree. Don't let this sort of toxic judgmental people erode your mental health or your identity. There is nothing you can do to help them help themselves, so leave them to suffer in their own misery.
Definitely agree
Sad facts. I love me more than people's misguided, fixed mindset...which means I spend a lot of time alone. Good thing I create music 🎸
Agree totally.
Yes, because by that you will improve your life quality. But of course, in practice this is almost impossible to acheive.
This very situation happened today with a coworker. I often do not realize it is occurring until the person who has misunderstood me starts acting offended. I wish I could see myself walking into these horrible scenarios and correct it before alienating everyone. I can sense something is wrong but need so much time to analyze what has transpired that there is no chance to salvage the moment.
I get in trouble for the same reason all the time. People who I thought were friends or at least liked me suddenly turn against me and accuse me of having done something wrong. And the worst part is I simply cannot understand what the hell they are talking about.
Same here.
Julia, same here. I usually can tell when someone gets upset with me but it's challenging for me to understand why this happens. What I do is tell a neurotypical friend what happened, the entire conversation, and their reaction, and then they explain why they got upset. It's never intentional for me to upset people, and without understanding their reaction it's hard for me to avoid doing the same thing again.
As someone who has generally low self-esteem, but has still been called arrogant, been told to “get over myself”, and offended others without understanding why, I think I relate to you on this topic very well. Thank for posting.
My mother told me about how she was constantly treated as if she thought she was better than her peers, so she learned a trick to ask her peers questions that she already knew the answers to that seemed like 'reasonable questions' so that her peers would then see her as more of an equal. She gave me this advice when I too had trouble with peers that I would be given minimal instruction and then I'd go forth and Do The Things as if I knew exactly what to do. (But I was following directions. So, I kinda did? But it's not like I boasted about it, it was something I thought everyone could do.) So I started asking my peers for help or advice when I didn't need it, and it allowed them to treat me more like a fellow person.
I'm 36, my 3 year old son was recently diagnosed. So I started learning, and that's why I'm here. It's also when I realized "Holy shit! I'm autistic!"
I thought I was just chronically depressed and that's why I seemed different. I feel relieved.
Thanks for the work you're doing, Paul. You're very natural in front of the camera. Cheers!
36 myself, and just got diagnosed last year and this channel helped me immensely
Realising that your or your closed one's behaviour is that way because of the autism is a big relief. I got a HUGE relief when I finaly realise that my son is autistic and his arrogant behaviour is not my fault and this is just how he sees the world, gosh, I was laughing and crying at the same time. Now I know that with some special different ways I can help him to accept this world, and even his friends at school started to accept him as he is and sometimes they copy his sayings because they sound smart and cool 😄 (they all 10y.o. now)
I am 36 too. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. I knew that this diagnosis didn't cover my other symptoms. I am highly likely on the autism spectrum (maybe Asperger syndrome). Throughout my all life, people thought that I was an arrogant person, and I lost a lot of friends just because they thought I was looking down them. It was actually the opposite. when they struggled with something, I always helped them, even if it needed sacrificing my time and future. I felt like an alien in the community..lots of other things..and depression, shame etc..
Very relatable! So many times people have completely misread my intentions.
I related to this video so much and appreciate the self analysis discussion.
Growth vs. Fixed mindsets have lost me many relationships.
The Expert vs. the 1% is a great analysis and highly relatable.
If people are consistently misreading your intentions, then you're consistently miscommunicating your intentions. No one is psychic. The problem is with you.
@@Retrosenescent That's a completely inappropriate comment to leave within an autistic community conversation. But I suspect you're perfectly aware of that already and it's why you did it. If you genuinely don't understand then go read Damien Milton's double empathy problem theory.
I get into a lot of trouble because of how I look, and it's something I feel like I'm not even allowed to talk about. I don't think I'm incredibly beautiful or that my physical appearance means anything of consequence, but I know that it has a significant impact on how people interpret my motives and actions. I shouldn't be given special treatment or censure for something so random, but I always have.
Unfortunately, there's nothing I can really do to change this dynamic. False modesty doesn't do much for this situation, and compliments can backfire. The only way I've found around this nonsense is to just ignore it. If people think I'm arrogant when I'm quiet and sitting on my own, I let them: the problem is theirs, not mine. I have a right to exist and a right to take up space. I no longer care if I'm disliked by people who cannot be bothered to get to know me. Communication is a two way street. I'm only going to make an effort for those who make an effort for me.
Oh. My. God. I describe this as "feeling like the little alien that drives the body in Men In Black". I am not this body, I just live in here. And no one even knows I'm here.
You've done a much better job of explaining how it feels than I've ever managed to.
I have tried a variety of looks! If you go the no make-up lowkey route, people will behave badly towards you just because they think you are low status. If you go the extra mile to make yourself look good, people treat you better but will still behave badly in a semi-subtle way because they think you're a b*tch and/or because they simply want to bed you, like they get suuuuuper insulted if you do not go and have coffee with them 🙄
@@nobody8328 this sounds very familiar wow.
To the OP: I have faced allot of prejudice in my life, especially regarding my looks. I feel it has to do with our gaze. We tend to see right trough people and that is something that people tend to interpret as uncomfortable or dominating. I think our faces tend to show emotions less frequent as well. We are thinkers not talkers.
I do feel we are gifted for a reason. I have grown very spiritual which has helped me deal with self acceptance and becoming proud at my gifts.
It sounds like what you're doing works for you. As the video was about being autistic --neurotypicals have the same issues that you sketch out. They usually deal with it just as Paul mentions by complimenting someone else, especially someone (in your situation) who isn't as conventionally attractive, by highlighting something they struggle with and I would add by giving more attention to others vs less. If autistic these strategies maybe aren't intuitive or may be hard to do or to remember to do. I guess I don't think of doing them as masking as much as they are just what's expected dealing with most (NT?) other people.
@@nobody8328 _"I am not this body, I just live in here"_
This.. so very this..
I love this channel. You are so straightforward and honest. NTs are a puzzle to me. No matter how I try I simply can’t even guess all the creative ways prospective friends can misunderstand me. I have given up, and am happier alone now.
I can relate: alone is often easier. Then again, when there are people who don’t misinterpret constantly it’s really nice. Perhaps we should be friends lol
Agreed. Alone everything goes smoothly. My life has immensely improved since i cut my dealings with people to a bare minimum
stay strong
I seriously don't understand what to do.
Make more neurodivergent friends
I’ve been misunderstood my whole life as well. It used to be hurtful and shell shocking to me when I was little. But I’ve since realized that it’s because I don’t say very much or show much emotion most of the time. I also have trust issues since I’m an abuse survivor and have been taken advantage of numerous times. So it’s hard for me to know who’s trustworthy upfront.
I feel with you. And I also am very often misunderstood. As soon as I state my opinion haters attack me. My opinion is often very different from theirs.
"with a fixed mindset - which is the opposite of a growth mindset-"
Ok this cracked me up bc I have been called condescending for using very similar phrasing! I was talking to my mom and mentioned "maximalism - which is the opposite of minimalism-" and she stopped me to tell me that I over explain stuff and it makes me seem arrogant! I don't always think I'm the smartest person in the room, but I do assume that I'm the only one who thinks the same way that I think, because I've spent so much of my life being misunderstood bc I make so many different connections so quickly that I lose people when I try to explain myself. So now I've become a know it all captain obvious! Just wanted to point that out bc it made me laugh lol
This!
"I don't always think I'm the smartest person in the room, but I do assume that I'm the only one who thinks the same way that I think" - This is awesome. Very well said. I'm going to use this.
Exactly.
Every point in the video (and in the comments) is accurate to my experience.
Yes, I think THIS is an area where the autistic brain works very differently AND on top of that we've been misunderstood our enitre lives.
But I have problems when it comes to explaining facts about highly specialized topics as well. I find that people after asking a question or two just change subject or ignore me completely. When I ask friends afterwards what happned they say that people don't understand what I mean. Okay, so WHAT is it that they don't understand??
OMFG wow, relate to this too much. If I don't explain I'm obtuse, if I explain too much I'm arrogant or annoying. Bruh I just say nothing and let you f it up, I'm too tired trying to give advice or anything else
I theorized (with the help of friends) recently that likely people sometimes react badly toward me not because I'm acting different than average, but because I'm masking masc instead of femme, as a woman. Apparently even if I'm masking as a perfectly polite person who's saying all the right things (that men would say)... it will still come off as rude or arrogant because it's coming from a woman instead of a man.
I've felt misunderstood my whole life. Then when we had our son and was trying to advocate for him it became very clear that people don't really care to take the time to understand what's really going on - even those who also had special needs kids. I think a big part of it is the fact that people don't really accept that there really are disabilities that are invisible. Anyway, when I was diagnosed at around age 50 and I started looking at situations and relationship through the lens of Asperger's things started to make sense. That's when I became totally convinced (right or wrong) that if you look normal you are expected to be normal and if you don't behave in a normal fashion you're simply being arrogant, rude, trying to get attention, etc. I've had family members (some of whom are medical professionals) literally laugh in my face and tell me that my son and I are not autistic. I know this world is not geared for people like us, but it would be great if folks would even pretend to be willing to understand what's really going on rather than judging and then flushing relationships. Sorry if I sound harsh about this, but this has been my experience and at this stage of the game I don't expect things to change. For the sake of all those who will have to walk this path I sincerely hope I'm wrong.
Not wrong. People just suck.
I'm 69 and I say you are correct. People just don't really believe things are different for us. If you look "normal", you are expected to be normal. Yep, my own family made me the butt of jokes for being "picky". (That word should be banned!) I was equated with being royalty switched at birth. They joked about me being a bastard of the royal family. And my sleep disorder that I've suffered from since infancy earned me snarky references to my being the main character in the fairytale, "The Princess and the Pea". I really am that sensitive. It takes me hours to fall asleep. It's made me a social outcast.
Unless and until they really ramp up their research and make non-descrimination laws with real teeth to protect and defend the civil rights of adults and seniors with autism, we're pretty much screwed, especially if we have no family or friends who do know and understand us and who can help us navigate snd be understood.🙄
No your good. Even though a therapist has already told me im autistic. I tell people this and they deny it like a mother fucker. Its life. Just let it be
I am 43, Dx at 40. You are correct - most do not care to understand us. I am DONE bending for others who will inevitably unfairly judge my character no matter how many 🌈 I blow up there a**es.
@@lornahuddleston1453 I got the ‘princess and the pea’ moniker, too.
"Arrogant" is a label I've carried for a long time, even at not work related environments. Curiously, if I'm in a place that doesn't catch my interest by any means, I won't talk and let my eyes wander, which make me come across as "stupid", like... not able to perform at anything "stupid" level. Also being super honest somehow makes me look like a liar? A very naive example: when I was little, each day I came to school panting because I had to run to get on time; well, there was this girl who always told me, very angry, that I was a liar for doing that; her reasoning was I was just trying to grab attention... WTF?
As a side note, I think the two categories Paul talks about come from the fact that we don't care about social markers of status. You have 5 degrees? Don't care. Have no education? Don't care. Have a big fancy car? Good for you, I couldn't care less. What I care about is if you're are creative, curious and passionate about something. You have a fancy car because you're into design, mechanics, racing...? Well, that's interesting. NT's, on the other hand, are very status oriented, which envolve vertical hierarchies, so they read our intentions having that in mind. I find it very stressful and boring, tbh.
Exactly, I don't care if you are handsome or rich if you are a boring asshat I will walk away
I'm autistic and I totally agree with you.
Normal people don’t care what you think
I appreciate that you gave a specific event and visual description.
i agree! i find people who are passionate and curious admirable, especially if they have something new to say i haven’t heard before. so when neurotypicals are doing conversation like they’re trying to rack up points i get bored, and i don’t like talking to them. and then i’m arrogant T-T like no you just didn’t have anything you actually wanted to say, and i’m not an NPC. people get points in my book for nuggets of information and sparks of inspiration not because we both like blueberry pie XD tell me a reason blueberry pie is great that i haven’t heard before and now we’re talking.
Can totally relate to this. Ppl think I think I'm better than them and know it all when in reality it's quite the opposite I see everyone better than me. Like u if I'm good at something I downgrade myself all the time and if someone tells me I did good I don't accept the compliment to downplay my ability
My theme song by the animals is "Oh lord please dont let me be misunderstood"😀
I find articulation to get the message across one of the biggest challenges, the art of persuasion alludes me.
Ha ha, thanks for the perfect song lyrics.
I'm a widely disliked and ignored person at work because people thought I was arrogant and I didn't explain. I'm miserable in my job as a result.
That sucks. As an aspie, when I was in the freshman year of high school, I was "the most hated person in the whole school" for being unwillingly arrogant. One day, I was talking with some guys about when our birthday was, and one girl (not even in my grade) said in front of me "oh, no, ewww, my birthday is on the same day as yours". It still hurts to this day. I only had one (fake) friend. She was two years older than me, and didn't even study where I did. Things haven't gotten much better though, although I'm not that hated nowadays. This year someone told me "nobody likes you". Still hurts.
There is one way that I'm commonly misunderstood. And it's a facial expression thing. I tend to appear to scowl when I concentrate. And I concentrate a lot. To the point that I've had a deep furrow in my brow for most of my adulthood. So, people used to think that I was angry a lot.
I actually had to retrain my face how to smile. Because even when I felt a smile on the inside, it did not show on my face.
I actually did massage work on the muscles and fascia in my face. (I'm a former massage therapist, so I knew how.) That allowed my face to physically be able to smile. And I did facial exercises in the mirror to teach the muscles how to smile.
And I made a point to smile as much of the time as I could. My natural relaxed face is not a smile. And whatever it is was putting people off. So, I decided that it was not acceptable to walk around with my natural relaxed face. I had to consciously choose to smile.
I guess people liked it. Because I became known as the person who always smiled. And people started approaching me and talking to me. I guess I looked less intimidating that way.
The funny thing is, I'm actually a pretty nice person. I just think a lot. And not all of what I think about makes me smile. So, I guess I don't look like a very nice person unless I make a point to smile.
I guess it's good that I went through that, though. Because now I am physically able to smile. And that does tend to go over better in our society than resting concentration face.
Me too, but I trained myself facial expressions through the cartoons, anime, and animated movies I have watched over the years. Don Bluth was very helpful with the oh faces, lol.
I would look at myself in the mirror and do facial expressions of the characters as best I could. Eyes were avoided as I creeped myself out if I looked at my own eyes.
So if I tilt my head to the right, you will know I’m intrigued and confused, mostly confused.
@@plynnmiller7563 Interesting. I did know what the different expressions meant. I just didn't always express them automatically or correctly. I mean, I knew how. I just didn't. O gurless somewhere along the line I lost the physical ability to smile. I had to train myself how to do it and then did it intentionally. I never did learn how to do a resting face that others would find acceptable, though. So, I just made myself smile as my default.
I have what is called a resting b*tch face, especially from the side. I once was called many bad words because I turned my head to simply see who bumped me in the street and the person thought I was looking at them with hate LOL.
I am lucky in that my eyes are (now) quicker to smile than my face. So if someone approaches me when I'm "scowling", my eyes usually puts them at ease quickly. But that wasn't always the case : when I was younger I was more anxious than now, and I was wary of people because I wasn't used to them at all (and I was light-years away from learning I was autistic), so my gaze was guarded too. Masking and learning about people helped me have a better approaching face.
That is not always a good thing though, because bad people are greeted by my eyes and face the same way as good people, and sometimes they try to take advantage of me because they think I'm very naive and vulnerable. Naive : maybe, vulnerable : let them come to me if they dare to check XD
@@Crouteceleste I really get that. And that would be a perfect way to describe my natural resting face. Lol. Or my concentrating face. It's difficult being misjudged simply because our face doesn't naturally rest in a smile. Or anything close to a smile. And it's a lot of work training ourselves to force our face to look a way that isn't natural to us.
That being said, people seem to react to me remarkably well when I am with my dog. I just adopted her recently as a rescue, so I am constantly interacting with her and training her. I encourage her a lot because she had a difficult past. And I laugh because I think she's cute. Apparently my face must look acceptable during those times, because people seem very eager to talk to me when I'm with my dog. 🤷♀️
So, I guess it's just my resting face and concentrating face that puts people off.
The whole thing just seems so weird to me, though. I mean, who cares what our face looks like when we're not interacting with anyone?!? But apparently mosf people do.
Anyway, I totally get you.
I have the exact opposite. I would smile most of the time for no reason without being aware of it or "feeling the smile". Until some people pointed it out to me. Now I suppress it but it resurfaces sometimes when I'm really focused on sth and forget to not smile. The good thing is it doesn't get the same reactions as a frown.
I can relate to this somewhat in that I tend to state facts and rub people the wrong way at times. I’ve found out the hard way that not everyone wants to be ‘educated’. I don’t tend to dwell or point out the things I do well however. I can see how that would come across as arrogant.
Yeah, they will never get the 'don't shoot the messeger' message of history. This is becoming alarming in first world countries where people are just spoiled like the kings of old. You just can't tell them anything, they take it personally and shoot you. But that's because they are privileged. Wretched people instead are quite aware of facts, they just have no means of changing things.
Oops! I constantly educate people. They need it. I'm so interested in many things that I assume everyone else is ( or should) be.
This is so relatable to me, I'm forever upsetting people and I don't understand what I've said or done wrong.
So relatable! I call this problem “The Twilight Zone” when words come out of my mouth and then somehow completely distort through the ether to be heard in a completely unintended way to the recipient and then I get back this huge confusing angry and sometimes nasty response back from them, and then cut off, rejected, or spoken badly of to others. But then I wonder if I’m the one misinterpreting their response. It all gets too hard! I really struggle with humaning… I think always knowing you’re “different” causes a lot if anxiety. I will definitely try some of these tips you suggested as it’s similar to adjustments I have been working on making to improve my communication skills.
These 2 are exactly the issues I've dealt with my whole life. I was just diagnosed last year at age 48.
About your misunderstanding with your friend. There are other explanations other than growth vs fixed mindset, and that's situational pain point. When a person is frustrated, in pain, asking deep questions about the wisdom of their goals and their choices, they are often simply unable to hear about anyone else's experience. Especially if that other person's experience is the opposite of their own, and within their pain point at the moment. I understand that your intention was to convey how much you admired their accomplishment. But in my experience, of decades of mistakes in this area, when I mean to convey admiration, I need to say it without comparing it to anything else. Just - wow, that took a lot of determination to finish that grueling walk in so much pain. I admire you. I have had a variety of ways of expressing my admiration for others through the years most of them heartfelt and often more powerful (to me) because of the additional context from my own experience I added to it. But when I was in pain myself, I learned how distressing it could be to be on the receiving end of this type of good intention. That said, I'm very sad to hear your friend stopped speaking to you entirely. That seems very extreme.
That's called masking, and if you want to burn out, by all means, bow down to NT standards. I'm not going to hold myself to standards of a different neurotype, and that isn't "wrong." 😏
@@kdelka81 I don't know if there is "right" and "wrong" in these situations. But I'm curious - is respecting other people's experience when it is different from my own always masking? Aren't there ways for me to be true to myself without needing to behave "my way" all the time? I'm not talking about adjusting to strangers, to society in general. General social norms in any case so often fall to the lowest common denominator - and in addition, they tend to be very narrowly defined. Is it masking if, with considered boundaries, a person chooses to prioritize someone else's needs in the moment?
I really like how you think.
lovely response
I can relate to that. I had to mask my skills which is so frustrating. My family keeped telling me that I was too intelligent and it would ruined my life. What was I supposed to do? I was young, so I tryed to hide, not very well I think. My mother always tells me that I am snoby. I'm just curious about a lot of things, I love to learn, and I love to share. It became more difficult when I began to work. I was at least 10 years younger than my 20 colleagues, they really didn't like that I knew a lot more. I was very isolated, my work as a psychologist and psychotherapist was exciting, I read a lot, learned a lot from my patients too. I desperately wanted to share, but I was able to stay quiet. But we had to do administrative work, for the inspector of all the mental health centers. They needed a lot of information for epidemiology. After a few years, I couldn't help myself to stay silent. It made me so mad that I was rude, sometimes, and I had to hide in the toilets to stim and avoid meltdown. I love statistics and epidemiology, and they didn't understand how important it was. It was numbers, they hated numbers, I was trying to explain, then they ignored or disliked me. My boss told me twice to work less and not so well because I may have enemies. It was horrible to hear. I was the 'good one' and I was told to do things badly... A boss asking me to break rules... But he was right, people didn't like me.
In médecin too, I have a rare disease, EDS, and I have to explain it, and they really don't like that a patient knows more about a condition they never heard of. And I can't understand why they don't try to learn more about it.
So I keep to adapt to the person in front of me... I'm 54 and I think it would be cool to be myself. And to share my thoughts and knowledge, and learn new things.
Yes, I'm snoby and arrogant but I keep it for myself.
Thanks for the great description.
Sounds so familiar. So, so familiar.
Hiding and being exploited as pretty useful when people have problems. I'm working in a similar field and I can read people and conflicts quickly, but fail to understand that this is a quality.
People who punish us by disappearing are not worth our friendship. They are selfish, mean, controlling and unforgiving. No one is perfect and they certainly are not. This has only happened to me once in a long life and I sometimes remember that person and wish I had not wasted some of my life thinking they were a friend. But we all make mistakes, all we can do is learn from our mistakes. Thank you for this channel.
omg so relate. I'm 44 and still in this loop, since i was little, everywhere i go people think I'm arrogant :( and I can't even understand why, I'm very humble and also had been hiding my talents... anyway it's sad to be always pushed around
Its comforting to know that we can't please everyone no matter what ~
I heard some people find me “condescending”. Thanks for this video!
This is also an experience that I share with great frequency: I am often considered arrogant when I am just being my authentic self, utilizing my given talents, knowledge, and skills with common ease. Some take things further and may sometimes call me sarcastic.
I am sarcastic.
Constantly. I have tried to remain authentic by saying what's true and also adding the caveats to protect their emotions. Conversation is already a struggle so the added caveats just become even more tiresome, especially because that still doesn't even work every time.
I default lately to only speaking with people about myself when they already know where I'm coming from. Flat-out, random people usually just aren't worth the energy and they certainly aren't being reciprocal with that level of care and thought either so, meh.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I practically start out with many disclaimers so as not to offend. But as you point out, there are quite a few people who are not worth the time and effort to shield against my communication style.
That's fair
Im finally learning this. I still get burnt out but im being more selective and im less inclined to try to pander diplomatically. The truth cant be sugar coated if they lack humility theyll still shoot the messenger and its super distressing and exhausting to pander and appease, its like babysitting easily triggered toddlers. As marylin monroe said, if you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. It rarely works as you say anyway! Ive learned to shrug off people who cant be rational rather than dwell on why they cant understand or why i didnt act in an acceptable way nowadays .. try to see it as a filter system. We shouldnt destroy ourselves carrying the burden of their misunderstanding or slander. Avoid toxicity and if you can have one authentic and strong person in your life to feel yourself with, thats all you need
They shoot the messenger and cant discern
@@bvfckyou yes, agreed on all points. I think a massive turning point for me in this regard was the recognition that I don't want to befriend someone who requires an excessive amount of sugar coated caveats anyway. Knowing this, it means that I do not feel I'm missing out on anything by not engaging with people who require that. I need friends who share my priorities, and I believe the sugar-coated caveat style of communication is simply a band-aid for much deeper problems like not having a strong sense of self. So it feels borderline enabling to tip toe around someones fragile ego like that who clearly has some stuff to work on. I expend this energy happily for anyone I know in a vulnerable place, or children, but to random adult strangers out and about? No way. I try to keep it strictly business. Get in, get out. That way I don't exhaust myself doing their little dance, meanwhile I know damn well they would never do a thing to accommodate me without a fight or interrogation. Turn down the restaurant music volume? Dim some of the lights? These are generally treated as unreasonable. And as you say, I think the expectation we should regularly bend over backwards to pander to easily triggered toddlers is infinitely more unreasonable. No thanks!
When I was in high school I always got good grades. Everyone around me resented me for that. I noticed that if I said I found a test hard, they would mock me for pretending, and if I said I found it easy, they would mock me for being arrogant. If I said nothing at all, and hid my grades, they'd still ask and would mock me for hiding my grades. If someone got a better grade than I did, they'd mock me for sucking at that particular test (Haha I got a better grade than you, suck on that!). I still don't know how I was supposed to deal with that.
They projected their insecurities onto you. That’s their problem, not yours
@@kissit012 I don't know. This wasn't just one person. It seemed to be everyone. When you're the only common denominator in a situation that keeps on happening, it kind of has to be because of you, right?
Thanks for trying to make me feel better though :)
Either way I'll never have to talk to anyone from middle or high school ever again, so problem solved I guess.
@@ryn2844 Nah, it's still them. I've noticed that insecurity is very normal among neurotypical kids in school settings, and they will choose a scapegoat to project those negative feelings onto. It sounds like that was you in this case, despite everything you did to try to prevent them from feeling bad about themselves when they compared their experiences to yours
Maybe you were the best student in the class. And your classmates couldn't stand it. So, they probably were always on a lookout to spot your weakness; eager to be better than you.
@@ellejohnson2817 I get this! Whenever the teacher gives out tests, I don't tell people what I got bc they act as if I'm being 'self-obsessed' when they literally asked me what I got- the logic is just not there
I feel this. I have combined ADHD & Cptsd. Being misjudged feels like my whole life.
I "got in trouble" with my therapist when I started talking about how I manage other people's emotions, lol. In his mind, that kind of behavior is caretaking at best (i.e., over-functioning) and manipulative at worst. But when I don't put in this layer of effort, like you explained, I'm so commonly misunderstood, even by people who have insisted I stop masking with them and just be my autistic self.
So I've started thinking of it as "translating my intent." My divergent neuroculture is not intuitively compatible with typical social expectations. But my intentions are positive. So if I behave in ways that are intuitive and authentic to me, my behavior has effects very much counter to my intentions when experienced by people from a more typical neuroculture. Instead, I work to translate my intentions, which is authentic to my intentions while requiring a lot of work and masking to help my intentions land well with neurotypicals. It's a lot of work, and it's exhausting, and the lion's share of the responsibility for this translation effort falls on my shoulders--NTs just can't seem to make the leap to understanding the intentions of my authentically autistic behaviors. But I care about the impact I have on people, so I do the work anyway.
Yeah same and therapist tent to label us manipulative for that too. But thats makes them unqualified and judgemental. We are the ones cutting contact with those cause I'm constantly in burnout and can't be bothered anymore I physically can't.
yeah i get this T-T my friends can’t understand why i don’t want a therapist when i clearly want therapy and the simple reason is therapy is designed for circles and i’m a square. trying to find a therapist who will understand me without judging is just too much effort when google is free
"I'm just going about my life doing the things that come easily to me and I don't for a second think that that somehow makes me better than other people"
I've been called an arrogant knowitall when I'm literally asking someone to explain something because I don't understand. How the hell does that work?
Right???!? It’s sooooooo confusing, and yet we’re the “arrogant” ones.
Maybe they consider asking them to explain/repeat something feels like they are being insulted? I’ve heard that from a few NTs who were older. I don’t get it myself.
It's just baffling
I think they take it as, like, a sarcastic test. Like, “Prove to me that you’re not an idiot who doesn’t understand this basic common sense concept,” when meanwhile _we’re_ the “idiot” who doesn’t understand. This is just a theory though
Saaaaaaaaame
@@turnleftaticeland sounds a lot like prohjection, eh?
Oh Paul! This got me.... I spent my whole life "dumbing" myself image down that I believed. My confidence was zero and I followed what others wanted of me.
Until I found out I was aspie. I almost immediately dropped the camouflage and confidence came back! I turned my life around and I love "most" days now 😆
Man this feeling of being misunderstood is very real for me. Most of the time, I’m not trying to imply that I’m better than someone but it can seem that way to people.
DING DING DING! For me it's when my social anxiety goes off in social situations and I have to find a way to control myself! Hence why I end up masking myself A LOT when I'm out in public, at work around other people etc because society simply doesn't accept that kind of behaviour. Society forces you to "control your emotions" and keep yourself in check or else you'll get harshly judged by others.
When you add additional layers to this like fear of failure, low self confidence, fatigue, insomnia and self esteem issues, then it complicates things even further. I'm also extremely humble, so I'm not the kind of person who's going to make a big show whenever I accomplish things in life or someone gives me a compliment for doing a good job!
P.S. I know this is focusing more on my social anxiety than my autism but they are both equally important conditions that tend to overlap and have similar problems associated with them.
I love your articulations on these topics. My attempts to lower my beliefs of my abilities to stop being offensive (ie stop talking over my head, you're trying to make me feel stupid) not only didn't work, but I spent so long hacking at my own roots, I don't know what I'm even good at anymore. OOh and the "distrust" topic... ow. The pattern noticing where the "experts" on the news do a 180 on their opinions, doesn't go over with many people very well. We've also been dismissed when we have asked authorities for help. When I get blown off or misunderstood by a therapist or doctor I've gone to for help, things feel hopeless and we learn to trust them less.
This is so relatable and the biggest issue I’ve had in life. I could not for the life of me figure out why other people constantly lied and accused me of saying and doing things I haven’t said and done. Then when I came to the realisation I may be on the spectrum everything made sense.
This happens frustratingly often. I spend a big chunk of time just improving my skills in my hobbies and constantly expanding to new skills, it's what I do. My hobbies also happen to be about the only thing I have stuff to talk about with unfamiliar people. Consequently, I often get accused of acting like I'm better than everyone, even though I find I have a lot of room to improve in every single skill. I wish it would be acceptable to just openly talk about what skills you have and how much effort did you put into it.
Same. It's really frustrating & feels so unfair.
In my class, I am good at a lot of things without making a real effort. I am desperate to give a go at a real effort so I am at a level I can get proud with myself, because I know I can do so much better than just "good". At the moment I can only target specific courses where I will put my energy because I have other issues and I don't have the energy to try to best myself in class.
The issue is, the other students don't give a **it about trying to do things well, or even doing things at all. In consequence, their work is bad, and they look like fools (to me) when they try to answer teachers' questions. The teachers are too nice and have low expectations so they don't even get bad grades ! But still they hate me when a teacher compliments my work.
It is very strange to me. Why hate someone who has good grades and tries to do a decent work despite challenges, when you don't make any effort at all yourself ?
I got that a lot, but now I seem to be surrounded by people for whom constant self development is the norm.
@@Croutecelesteme too ;-; i’ve been trying to make things harder for myself (by taking more advanced courses) but it feels like the only time i’m not outpacing my classmates is when the class is actively hostile to ADHD and autism (or students in general). it’s a weird feeling because i know it doesn’t make me better, or say anything about my character, but i’m actively discouraged from talking about it and thus from finding a solution. not that i’ve found anyone in my life who has the same problem or knows anything about it. and all of the common problems are about the things easy to me and the things others consider easy are the parts i would like strategies for
I am good with patterns. I naturally see them earlier than most people. And if I think that knowing a pattern would make things easier and more effective for other people I like to share it. And this is when problems start because most often people see it as arrogant. My natural way of combating this was trying to explain but then somehow it was making things worse. I have learnt recently that people don't like being given advise they didn't ask for. So I am still learning my need to share my observations with people and actually trying to ask if people are interested in what I have to say. I have a tendency to overshare and finding the middle ground is difficult. Plus I know that talking with people is my way of forming certain concepts in my head and very few people are able to listen to my ramblings long enough for me to make a point. Still haven't figured it out completely.
I have a whole set of problems with communication and being misunderstood. I don't know how to express myself to others, so I often hide from them when they communicate with me rather than face them, which gives them an opportunity to treat me as they wish verbally. This creates a tsunami of tension in my mind which leads me to become angry and let off my steam everywhere from work, home to outdoors where people also take advantage of me by enticing and playing with me, let alone social life which I no longer have anymore, but I never fitted in any social group. It's so true what you say about the 1% against the 99% of people that are different. There is no right or wrong way of being. Society is a fake construction based on how most people process information. It is part of the industrial revolution in the west to create human capital that drives the economy etc. I hear that in the east they have the caste system which is even more terrible. Not all of us think the same way just as not all flowers or grains in the field are the same, some of us also process information differently than most others. Society could have been completely different if more people thought like us but it just so happens that they outweigh us in the balance and follow a capitalist mindset.
Someone once told me I'd been looking aloof - thing was, I wasn't even interacting with anyone at the time, just walking into my work canteen (she was observing me). If I'm able to look aloof when alone with my own thoughts, then there's no hope for me!! 🤣🤣🤣
What world did i wake up in yesterday when I found your channel that someone understands. With every video I watch of yours my eyes keep stretching someone understands. Never have I ever felt like someone gets me more like watching you. It makes me want to cry. Thank you. So very much.
i appreciate this. and to live in the world we all need to make some adjustments, from time to time. however, my feeling is that trying to keep people appeased does not work. people who do not understand or do not care to understand the overload we ALREADY carry in just trying to function in a world designed not for us DO NOT CARE. and jumping thru hoops for these people only exhausts and frustrates me further. how about instead of me being responsible for my AND YOUR self-image and well-being, we ALL be responsible for our own?????
Right, it's a two-way street. NTs should make an effort to understand us when we explain ourselves, but oftentimes it falls on the autistic person to cater to everyone else. That is too much of a burden and quite unfair.
I completely agree with you. It seems a bit unreasonable to ask the "socially challenged" misfits to make things less awkward. "None of this was awkward until you decided to make this weird."
@@tris5602 Also if we're socially challenged, how would we have the know-how to make less awkward? I bring this stuff up to people so they'll cut me some slack, not to do homework on how NT's which does make sense to me anyway. I don't mind a little give and take from both sides but they usually ask alot from me.
There's the key word - responsibility. This is one of the main things that makes me angry and upset, when people do not seem to be taking responsibility for their own reactions, perceptions and interpretations. Most people do not even think they should be, things are other people's fault, the world's fault, anyone or anything but them.
The 4 Toltec agreements necessary for personal liberty - impeccable speech, don't take things personally, do not make assumptions, always do your best. Imagine if everybody thought and acted like that! But yes, I am aware that many people reading this paragraph will make the assumption that I think I am better than other people otherwise I wouldn't have written that....
I honestly don't know how to change that. But if autistic people were in charge the current world situation would likely look very different - whoops there I go again......
What are autistic people on the planet for, how can we start being active rather than crippled by the judgment and misunderstanding of the majority of the population? I spend a lot of time thinking about that.
Yeah I agree with you. Oftentimes the burden falls on the autistic person to explain themselves and adjust to the NT person. Yet not on the NT person to adjust to and accept the autistic person.
Exactly! This reason is very likely why I struggled with my teacher colleagues for 9 years. I was often told that I didn't have to prove that I am intelligent or capable. I was not trying to prove anything. I was simply being myself. It essentially caused me to believe that I was much more incapable compared to them. I did not know at these times that I am actually autistic (only in the past 3 months has this been apparent).
I've been working as a teacher the last 4 years while working on my credential. I always feel like the outsider, so I just accepted that, but recently working in one big room with multiple other teachers? I've been brought up short multiple instances of people totally misinterpreting me and I can't just ignore it or
avoid it like I used to. I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago, but now I'm suspecting autism. I'm 53. I think if I had stayed in a single classroom I would have died never knowing why I've always been the odd, uncomfortable one.
@@Miss_Elaine_ I, too, was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and placed on Ritalin for two years. I was taken off because the Dr. told my parents that I could control my symptoms. When perimenopause hit at 42 I was placed on concerta. Both times this treatment was not really effective and now I know why. My dad has since told me that he never felt like ADHD was the right diagnosis for my struggles from the start.
I can totally relate to this. And, after all, if you hide your strong points - what remains are your weak points! People see them anyway, whether you're better than average in some things or not. Also, you end up convincing yourself that you've little or no strong points - which means you're substandard, because you're bound to have some deficiencies or difficulties that most of the other/ NT people don't have.
Masking is very natural to me at this point. I stopped talking about myself unless completely comfortable. It still bites me in the ass in my marriage because I'll be 100% and it sort of opens the door for misunderstanding even from the one person who knows me better than anyone.
Holy moly this is exactly the kind of self-discovery journey I have been going through the last few years as people starting pointing out more instances in which I came across as arrogant and a know-it-all. I initially took the same approach you did of downplaying or omitting my own interests/abilities. The thing that made a big change for me was removing the phrase "I know" from my lexicon of responses. I had to be so much more mindful of not divulging if I had previously thought about something or of not downplaying someone else's efforts without meaning to. Now I simply try to leave things at face value -- be it a "thank you" response, or a compliment of someone else's work -- instead of trying to over-explain why I felt some way about something. It was a super hard adaptation but after a few weeks of testing out different methods, it started working and I think it's made a huge difference in my interactions with people.
Yes, I relate to this. I have found, especially at work, that it's best to accept other people's explanations just as they are. Don't try to join in with my opinions or explain my thoughts. This often seems to be because they feel they've had a sudden insight and showing that you have considered and possibly rejected the line of reasoning rains on their parade 😉
Omg yes this- I have literally lost a job because someone told me how to do something over and over and I responded with “I know”. The whole company was appalled and I had no idea what was wrong with what I said until a colleague told me in private how it came across.
i’ve tried the whole lexicon of ways to say “i know” with different words and there is apparently no way to express it without coming across as arrogant. but i also don’t want to lie and pretend i’ve never heard of something, i don’t like being deceitful. but it’s also hard because i feel like i’m always waiting for everyone else to catch up to me because i simply spend more of my time wondering than they do? i’m not sure what everyone else is thinking about but i feel like i’m always reflecting more than other people
Good video, it's so easy for bluntness and truth to come across as arrogance.
Yeah. But as someone on the spectrum, I would much rather be on the receiving end of bluntness and truth than sugar-coated lies. It baffles me that so many "nurotypicals" would rather the sugar-coated lies.
@@anyascelticcreations I totally agree. Can folks just be honest?!?
@@sweetpea4967 I know, right!? Just tell me strait out. The worst is trying to read between the lines. One of the many reasons why I prefer the company of nurodivergents.
Yep, with NDs you know where you stand. NTs sometimes hide behind fake smiles while they eye roll and bad mouth you to others. 😕
@@sweetpea4967 Yes, exactly! I'd take a ND anyday! 😊
I swear I either full cry or tear up. Watching the videos. Because it's so sad to know I've been this way my whole life and a lot of my close relationships ended and I don't have any friends and I could never fully understand why. I was never mean to people or treated poorly. But things to do with my autism has unknowingly been ruining my relationships. I lost a gf, a potential gf and many so called friends.
I'm very aware and every time I try to avoid previous mistakes. I keep doing them somehow.
This whole video describes my experience almost exactly.
I'm not sure if I am Autistic or ADHD but I relate so hard to what you say and it feels really spot on, I just really don't want to overstep and say I am if I'm not, which I'm sure you've heard before. I struggle with emotional regulation mainly and socializing is tough sometimes so I tend to self isolate. Your video on EI was very easy to follow and structured (and relatively short) so it means a lot to me. No matter how much I learn about EI, there's ways that speak to me more than others and you address it in a way that doesn't trigger the living daylights out of me. I really appreciate your perspective and am so glad I came across your channel.
I just want you to know that you can't really overstep here. No one knows your life experience the way you do. Neurodivergents "don't make sense" to a lot of people, but we make a lot of sense to each other. If we make sense to you, you most likely belong here. In this crowd, self diagnosis is considered valid.
@@tris5602 thanks so much for replying. What you said is really comforting and makes me feel seen and understood.
I feel the same Amber. I resonate strongly but am very cautious not to say I am unless I get the official dx.
@@amber7338 I'm self diagnosed both autistic and adhd... Formal diagnosis is given by professionals who missed us for so long thus couldn't be trusted anyway so who cares...
@@Hugo-dc9nd good point, you make a lot of sense and I hadn't really considered that pov. Thank you!
It hurt SOOO bad being called arrogant. I just love learning and want to spread knowledge. My diagnosis really helped not to have to feel guilty anymore.
Wow, the part about not trusting experts because you‘re used to being the odd one out blew my mind! I‘ll have to check if I can apply that to my life as well,
I had the same problem. My ex boss didn't understand my autism. She said I had a high opinion of myself, and simply did not understand how change was hard for me. Thankfully, I left that employer for one who embraces the positive aspects of my autism.
I think it’s narrow minded to instantly categorize another person as arrogant simply because they don’t share your social cues. Instead of immediate offensiveness, it’s always better to clarify the meaning of that person’s actions or words.
what others don't understand, and my struggle. I don't EVER compete against others. I ALWAYS compete with myself. I look at myself to just see self growth NOT seeing if I'm better than another. I DETEST pyramidal social/skill structures. I love seeing what others do, and THEIR accomplishments.
I literally laughed out loud when you talked about why you seem arrogant… I do both of those things constantly and never realized exactly how it made me look… I haven’t gotten my diagnosis yet (appointment pending) but this is just one more example of why I’m getting tested for asd! Thank you for putting yourself out there, so people like us don’t feel so alone, great video!
So relatable! I have been told that I come across condescending and arrogant at my old job. I was just very passionate and pretty good. I have learned to try to praise them and then maybe show how I do it that helps me. I am quite a lot of the time because I just don't want to say the wrong thing.
Yes!! The growth mindset vs fixed mindset! Might explain why I am uselessly and excitedly competitive/eager to learn/try anything I take interest in (even if I’m hopelessly bad at it/just being repetitive at first). Others quickly “give up,” and the need to follow the group forces me to abandon things when truly, I’d like to stick it out and enjoy myself. I can feel the mood go down when the group is ready to move on due to the large contrast of my hyped energy…and then I have to tone it down and “chill out.” I don’t even have much of a choice to stay because clean up happens when they get bored/tired of it. Boo, it sucks 😫
I wonder if it’s also due to the fixed mindset that NTs quickly catch onto the fact that there’s a hierarchy and they just “get in line,” or something. As mentioned in the video, my mind similarly doesn’t really register others’ advantages for their starting point in an activity or whatnot. My default state is excitement from curiosity, curiosity of my ability/limits, and eagerness to go at it until I’m spent/done with “exploration.”
The “arrogant” label is always used because others perceive my attitude to be: I’m above the rules. In reality, I just didn’t know there were ANY rules/what purpose they *actually* served (often lied to/skirted over topic). I could never willingly follow rules that served no real meaningful purpose (except to outline and abuse a power differential) and were obviously only harming its followers when enforced. But no worries, SOCIETY! They have beat me (figuratively) into submission by now 😕
" I don’t even have much of a choice to stay because clean up happens when they get bored/tired of it." feel that. lost friend groups for wanting to stay in an interest or a band or a style of music while others follow the trend. Last time i was called out with: "It's not my problem you have a dusty tase of music" well sorry i mean it if i say i like rock and metal and you try to pull me into k-pop...?
@@Katzensushi "it's not my problem you have dusty taste in music" = "I've made it my problem and now I want you to fix it"
@@toriknorth3324" since i expect you to follow along you just made your tase of music my problem. change it" more or less ....
All the time, mostly by those who do not know me personally. Being misunderstood is a constant battle wherever I think I land on the spectrum. A more recent relatable experience is balancing work with my home life. I work as an Industrial Designer, we are trained to have empathy for the needs of the consumers, and in that vein, have to become experts in any field related to that product. I take my job seriously, sometimes I don't know when to flip the switch off when I get home, and I can come off as arrogant to my partner. It can be a simple conversation about decorations in the home and my brain starts to speak in constructive criticism, as most designers do, we try not to take things personal. I feel very much at home in the design environment. Well, that never sits well at home, and I come off as arrogant, when all I mean is well. If anything I get excited to help decorate, and dive head first making suggestions about color, placement, and positioning, but I instead I "ruin the fun"... Watching videos like these make me feel understood... I really do mean well in this world :)
Thank you. Thank you Thank you. I slowly slowly slowly am discovering my own autistic/PTSD/ADHD journey in searching and discovering for my Grandson and children, Mother and even my deceased Father, whom we realized had Asperger Syndrome, after he passed away.
With regard to mistrusting experts: for myself, it's less about general skepticism and more about my experience of being different from everyone else helping me to realize just how different *everyone* is from everyone else, and so a distrust of generalized conclusions overall, because I know there are outliers to every one of those. It's about recognizing that every generalized conclusion is really just expressing a bell curve that captures more or less of the population depending on how strong of a link is found. I'm not mistrusting the whole conclusion, as much as I am mistrusting how broadly it should apply
Acceptance and honesty are very important elements of middle ground. If we could openly admit “I’m autistic “ the arrogance would be a symptom not my characteristic. You are lucky Paul in a way, that it is said to your face, I can only see it as a result of behind the back criticism (after analysing new pattern of behaviour in my colleagues) but,hey! That’s life! It’s fascinating! I also changed the verbal frame. I omit the initial “ I meant something else blah blah blah; and jump straight to “ I can see you are distressed, please forgive me! I didn’t mean to offended you” And that is all! Not another word. The latter was the hardest thing I had to learn .To stop saying what I would want to say! NT have a right to feel as they feel, we have a right to be “ social idiots “ as we are, and that is that. Accept yourself as you are and than Accept NT as they are. Thank you Paul. I’m so grateful for your insightful videos.
This channel is great. I don’t know if I should be happy or cry. You describe my life.
Thank you so much for sharing this, I was bullied so much for this and I realize I still tend to do things similarly that result in people ignoring me.
Oh my goodness! Story of my life! I am an older person (58) and I am as yet undiagnosed with ASD (having trouble getting insurance approval for evaluation), but I have an ADHD diagnosis so I know I am a ND. I have been literally abused by people who “think that I think I’m better than them” and the scars are real and long-lasting. I’ve developed some coping strategies over time but it still happens. Thank you for this video.
Sometimes my boasting comes from a place of feeling behind in so many ways or challenged so often, or like i'm not taken seriously, so when I finally am in a position to do something or share something I EXCEL at, I sorta kick into high gear like "OOOH! I'm good at this! I'm good at this!" - a lot of it is just being excited about where I have skill in abundance, in opposition to a lot of my life growing up where I felt I was always being criticized for where I fell short or "messed up". The arrogance is fair, I think. As long as people know it's not meant to be malicious or putting others down in the process. I may not understand that's how my pride is PERCEIVED from the outside. Because other times, I sorta feel like everyone around me constantly flaunts how great they are. It can be really tough to understand where the healthy level of self-confidence and self-assuredness lies without it seeming like I'm boasting or being snobby.
Well also I think it's natural to go through a temporary state of feeling superior once you find out there are actually some things you are pretty good at, especially if for a long time you've struggled with self-esteem. It'll level out to a more realistic self image over time, usually, where you just know there are a handful of things you are good at without having your ego depend on that. Eventually, you can have good self-esteem while not having to try and prove yourself all the time, which is actually an even nicer state of being since there's not so much pressure that you go through having to "uphold" some image
Yes ! Fully agreed
Yeah, I get myself in trouble, I can see it on people's faces. then I have to back pedal, "I'm telling you that because I can't believe I'm good at something."
I just want to say ever since I found your channel I have been able to grow so much and be able to explain myself so much better to other people. I am working on unmasking myself, my whole life I have lived with a mask on and being able to open up and be my true self has been extremely hard. I sometimes don't even know who I am myself, because I have lived my whole life with the mask on. It has been an interesting and liberating experience. Thank you so much for your videos, I truely appreciate them.
Love the video. I may post it to my Facebook wall because you state everything better than I tend to.
12 minute-ish: interesting strategy. I downplay to some degree and feel like I should more. I grew up with a narcissist mother who was more a provider and dictator/judge rather than a parent/teacher, so I developed intense perfectionism issues and the corollary paralysis. The downplay strategy helps in interactions to a point, but unfortunately feeds my inferiority complex and difficulty accepting compliments positively. I kid you not, compliments can feel like manipulation or harbinger to insult or injury. It's NOT autism itself at play but the CPTSD. This aspect of my interaction is among my greatest challenges, especially since my autism leads me to take pleasant comments more literally than the speaker's off-the-cuff diction may have warranted. I have lost jobs due to misconstruing words that employers didn't even remember ever saying because they weren't being careful about the specific words. Did I follow another tangent? I think I did. 🥴
I also find that I question expert opinions because I am used to people not being totally truthful with me. Since I expect that people will tell me the truth (because I tell the truth), over the years I have found that some people just tell me things that are not completely true, and they take advantage of me. So now, I need extra information to make sure what they are telling me the is the truth.
Thank you. This video made me feel so much better about myself. I have suspected I may be autistic on and off, but lately I've started to see a very compelling pattern, of which this topic is a key feature.
I've always had trouble making and keeping friends. I had no idea for probably about 25 years that it was because I frequently come off as arrogant, or some variation thereof. Haughty, condescending, a know-it-all, unapproachable, standoffish, and even just mean - all of those are words that have been used to describe people's first impressions of me. But because of that very fact, it took those 25 years for me to meet a friend who was insightful and honest enough to tell me. I spent all those years hating myself, beating myself up mentally, because that's the antithesis of the principles of kindness I live by and hold myself to. I also tried to cope by downplaying my strengths, so long that I started to doubt I even had them, and it crushed my self-esteem.
I still suffer today from depression, and negative self-talk is basically a compulsion, but I'm working on it in therapy. I still have just a handful of friends, and I even have a partner (who started as one of those friends), and they all actually like me because of that "arrogance" - which in reality is just my blunt honesty and having no fear of telling the whole truth. They encourage me, especially my partner, to take back and own that unwavering confidence in my knowledge and abilities (read: special interests, haha). I'm much happier now that I ditched the mask and focused on the people & things who really matter. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but that's great! It weeds out the bad ones who hold me back from living my most authentic life.
I found this channel today and now I finally feel seen! Thank you for your wisdom! 🙏🏾
A flow chart for emotional intelligence , that tickled me .
You are not responsible for someone else's projection.
I’ve seen some people say in the comments that they feel like giving up on trying to be understood and it breaks my heart. I get it. I’ve often felt that way and I still do with most people. I’ve spent my life putting a lot of effort into becoming a better person and understanding those who think and act differently from me. I’m lucky to finally have found someone who truly understands and accepts me as I am. I hope all of you have that someday. Reach out to one another, be kind. Please don’t give up.
I completely relate to what Paul says about not caring about social status. People don’t have more or less value to me because of their intelligence or possessions. This last one I will always find mind boggling. Why would anyone be better just because they’re rich or pretend to be? I’m glad more people think the same way. Thank you for the video.
Paul, you make so much sense and I can really relate. Underplaying our strengths is out of order. Shouldn't we all be accentuating the positives? I've been called arrogant too, particularly for challenging experts. I know I'm in the minority, so I need to be protected! Also, because I have allergies and am hypersensitive, I do not trust medication or even cosmetics. I used to always trust my GP and endured wasted years, nasty side effects and misdiagnoses. Knowledge has improved since then, never the less, I've always had to be responsible for myself
This is one of my favorite videos on the channel. I have ADHD diagnosed, but I've been trying to figure out ASD (asperger's likely) on my own and this video is EXACTLY the specific thing I've been looking for. Talking about what your brain patterns are, problem solving skills, processing and mental habits, etc. I can't believe how much I relate here. I HATE it when people think I'm bragging, when what I'm really doing is trying to compare my understanding VS another's to ensure error-checking is being done for myself. Regardless of who they happen to be or what title they have, I'll need to do that no matter what. The bloody queen of England could be telling me about something in the palace and I'd need her to confirm whether it's in the west wing or the right wing in other to understand the story, lol.
What I've really come to realize is that I'm fairly 'authority blind' and I've heard what I assume are NTs talk about how they just automatically respect and believe what an authority says.
That just absolutely blows my mind. (And, how do they determine? I guess they just trust people when they tell them they're trustworthy? lol) How can you ever understand everything if you just accept little bits and bobs of information without forming them into a larger understanding of, not just the subject at hand, but basically everything???? What I've learned looking into psychology and Jungian processes, most other people do NOT think this way. And I just assumed this was how EVERYONE processed information for over 25 years. However, every single autism channel that talks about their inner world (including Temple Grandin's works) relates so strongly to my own, and I just keep finding ways I DON'T relate to the social brain mindset.
I can't believe you mentioned that acting 'yourself' would make everyone around you freak out, lol. I've been TRYING to get both my loved ones and mental health professions to understand this, and it's been a huge struggle. I feel like people notice my so called diplomacy and niceness and love that, but what they don't realize is that, to me, that is entirely fake. What I am ACTUALLY doing is figuring out what I NEED, then trying to package that information with a nice bow and wrapping paper, then drizzling extra sparkles on top since I'm used to getting surprising, scary, and unexpected negative social feedback when, to me, I was just being entirely neutral or even a little nice. Turns out, querying and interrogating people like they are a voice-activated database is not an experience most people want. (Sounds wonderful and extremely fun and engaging to me, though! Wish someone else would interrogate me! lol) So now I feel like I have to go WAY overboard just to get an acceptable level for other people. And honestly it's extremely difficult and tiring to do that with any sort of regularity, but that's what is basically expected of adults operating in a professional world, and inter-personally as well.
My wife is the only person that gets something similar to my 'true' self, but even then, I find myself stumbling over words, retracting what I said, stuttering as I panic that I've just said something offensive accidentally, and trying to (probably annoyingly so) check in with her to make sure her understanding of what I'm trying to communicate is accurate to the way I'm trying to (usually neutrally) convey.
Something I heard once really resonates here, that you mention: Why do you mistrust experts? Because experts have frickin' failed me EXTRTEMELY often, lol. People like us (The non-standard, whatever it means) tend to realize we're outside of the norms. We exist in the final 90% of most data, most of the time. We've tried the things that 'should' work, and they don't. We try the way we see others do and we're told to, and it doesn't' work.
I spoke with my wife before when she pointed out I'm controlling, and it was a big surprise to me. To me, all I REALLY want to control is myself. But she was right, I can be somewhat controlling since I need to control parts of my world to control myself. And I explained that I have learned through a lifetime of experience that I MUST be controlling in order to be OK. If I'm not, EVERYTHING slowly spins out of control, because I am not an 'in control' person by default, because I don't seem to slot into existing systems and patterns of control that are expected as default by the world very easily. In this case, I mean both other people and the actual world... like physics, and colors, and simple memory, lol. Bumping into doorframes, getting sensory overwhelm, and issues with proprioception, anyone???
I feel and have learned that I need to adjust basically EVERYTHING to interface correctly with myself. And if that's not almost the textbook definition on non-neurotypical, then I'm not sure what else would qualify, haha.
And then you go to the doctor in the US and they just say "So, like, are you really, really good at math or whatever? Anyway, there's no support options so maybe try not worrying about it!"
_"What I am ACTUALLY doing is figuring out what I NEED, then trying to package that information with a nice bow and wrapping paper, then drizzling extra sparkles on top since I'm used to getting surprising, scary, and unexpected negative social feedback"_ 😂😂😂 exactly this!! Pretty F*CKIN PLEASE
*Actual Retail Experience*
Customer: How are you?
Me: Better every day, you?
Customer: You're bragging.
Me: What?
Customer: You're bragging. :-)
Me: _(silently decides not to say that anymore)_
6:05 that's really interesting. I just remembered a very similar thing that happened in my childhood. I don't remember the details, but someone said that I was really good at something. In response, I said something like "oh it wasn't that that hard." I thought I was being humble or encouraging by saying that other people could do it to, or that I'm not better than other people for being able to do it. But I remember that statement being interpreted as arrogant.
7:49 and yeah, that's exactly what I have done to deal with it (and currently do)
Yes, I can identify with that. Happens all the time. I have come to the conclusion that other people don't want to understand me. Seems they like hating me. I have few friends.
What you said about being different leading to mistrust of authority is SO TRUE. I take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt because I know that what’s true for the majority of people is often not true for me because of my differences. Thank you!
Your willing to give advices to be "socially" not misunderstood is more precious than gold.
Thanks for the insight Paul, this was so on point with my life, and I couldn't have explained it better. Being misunderstood is something I've dealt with my entire life. I've always hated drawing attention to myself and I still do. I've never liked being labeled a know-it-all. It's usually me knowing what's best for me. I like my own company, that way there's no misunderstanding. The only way I will explain my thought pattern nowadays, is if someone directly asks me, and I don't get a lot of that. Again thanks. ☺
Idk what’s this is all about yet but just from the title I feel ya.
This video describes my entire daily life experience! I am considered so nice and empathetic and sweet when I am masking but then when I start getting more comfortable with people, my mask comes down a bit then I start getting feedback, overt and otherwise that I am too blunt, or weird, awkward, arrogant or vain. If I start out in a situation or group, not masking, I either get feedback that I am stand-offish, too blunt, not friendly, etc. Love the ideas how to be our authentic selves and still be able to act productively in our shared society.
I’ve walked The Camino 4 times AND learning Spanish … there’s more I could say, but the fact I’ve subscribed to your channel says it all!!!
I need someone that cares about me. 9+ billion people on this planet. I need someone who cares about me.