My Husband Won’t Lead Our Family (What Can I Do?)
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- čas přidán 19. 04. 2023
- My Husband Won’t Lead Our Family (What Can I Do?)
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She’s already a single married mom…. Being a divorced mom is going to actually gonna be a relief
Single married mom..wow that hits hard
@@JoyLoRuth My siblings got to experience how my mother changed when she divorced our abusive father. They all felt the relief, I was only 2 and had been diagnosed with Failure To Thrive due to all the stress and developed asthma. - which over time got better once he was gone. I disagree. It will be better. She is doing all the work now. Telling a man who didn't cook and clean in the first place that he doesn't have to is rediculous. He will find something else to slack off on. She needs to leave him and show her kids that even when things are hard they can be happy and feel a measure of comfort and self love beyond the toxicity.
Let’s be frank, we didn’t hear his side. People often portray themselves out in a better light. Do his children think he’s a bad father? She didn’t even get too deep into detail. Her explanation was somewhat vague.
@JourneyDestination Yes we need to hear his reasons for not giving a crap about his family and no listening to a word his wife says and just treating her life a maid with benefits. Surely some context will excuse that behaviour.
@@JourneyDestination There are certain fake claims that are thrown around a lot but I head nothing but genuiness here. He's probably disengaged because she ignored him when she had the kids as she tried to be the best mom possible to make up for her parents but the rest sounds true.
As a husband, and now father, I've never taken self-improvement as seriously as I do now. These videos have all been helpful in my constant quest to provide the best example possible for my family.
Same bruh same.
Glad to hear that some men take the initiative to self improve in relationships. All the best!
Bless you.
My first child is due in a few months and I just watch these religiously to find how not to bring my family to these points.
Right here, same bruh. This one crashed.
My husband and I almost split because of something similar.. I finally told him "if I'm going to do this by myself... the I will do it by myself.." I'm lucky that he heard me. We just celebrated our 26th anniversary
Same here! We just celebrated our 22nd❤
How long did you guys give him to provide ? How many years before he cared
@wordsmith4305 he could have let her leave, but deep down he wanted her to stay
I'd say he was the one who was "lucky" that he heard.
Happy for you!!
Some of us didn’t get that. Even though I’ve tried and forgiven times I cannot count. But I always celebrate successful marriage! ❤🎉
When she does leave, he'll tell his buddies "She left me for no reason".
CORRECT!!! 🎯🎯🎯
"I was blindsided" 😂
This is exactly why i divorced my ex husband 5 years ago. My son was almost 4 and it was one of the most difficult things ive ever had to do. One day he literally told me this is who i am and im not changing. So i left. 5 years later im happier than ever!
Is exactly what she needs to do. Yes.
He was probably celebrating as you walked away.
Most women are happy after taking half the man's stuff
@@Chet_24 it's community property.
@@diggernash1 you sound like such a beta.
Men aren't stupid. They know that raising children is hard work. And that's hard work they'd rather not do... Even for their own children.
Exactly
That’s the part the gut punches me. Because the kids are so WORTH IT. God will have His judgment.
Facts
So they rather literally watch their wives kill themself to avoid parental responsibilities. Selfish!
That maybe true for a few bums.
But how many women are damaging their kids by making the fathers life difficult too? Honesty and accountability on both sides
Some women stomp on your nuts and are emotional abusers too
14 years is a looooong time not to step up. Ma'am, respectfully, he's telling you without telling you he's not gonna make his family a priority.
I did that for 18 years. There are so many days I wished I did not stay that long.
@@gettinghealthywithtsherrel9710 I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
Men gripe and carry on all the time about the fact that women are the ones who file for divorce 70% of the time and most of the time, THIS IS WHY. Sometimes it's abuse, sometimes it's cheating, but most times it's because the husband is completely hands-off with their relationship, with their children, and their love life. They settle into this complacency the minute the wedding is over, and she's left to do it all alone. If she's gonna do it alone, she might as well BE alone for real. At least, as a single mom, she's got one less grown child to worry about.
Spot on... and then it's "she just walked out on me, I'm a victim!!!"
I have said that so many times
Than they need to marry better 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤪
those are categorically different, she is not getting, support as she said. the lion share of the reason women file divorce is as polls show is that the woman decides this is not what i expected it to be
Yea and what else changes the day the wedding is over?
To my brothers out there, if you are this way and your mindset is (because you work and “provide”) but yet you’re not home when you’re “home” , your family will be destroyed. And yes, set the pride aside, it’ll be because of you.
A lot of us are just adults trying to save the child inside of us 😢
😢
🎯🎯🎯
My ex-husband was exactly like this if not worse. He did not come home after work preferring the company of his friends. He never played with the children , participated in after school activities , he would get mad at me if he was asked to mow the grass or if i went shopping and left him with the kids for a couple of hours, or had conversations with me. I was a single "married" woman for 16 years...I was done by the 14th year . Ugh.i was so very lonely all those years and if it had not been for my younger brother being my best friend, i wouldn't have made it that long..My brother's and I grew up with a single mom so I had no idea what marriage was . This is why I put up with him for so many years plus my mom encouraged me to stay for financial security .I am married to a wonderful man now for 38 years who cherishes me and the kids.
❤️❤️❤️
When someone goes on to say that their marriage ended because of all the things he or she has done and it never seems to have any reason to do with them, I immediately know that this person is on some BS. I have seen different types of marriages and the truth is some women and some men are built different. In the western world women will divorce for reasons that no one else will in the rest of the world. I commend women for knowing what they want and if they think divorce is what they want then go for it. But it is continues to be true that children that come from single parent homes will continue to be single parents and their children have a high probability of doing the same thing among other probability. I tend to tell my friends that with all the love in the world do not marry women or men who come from single parent households, it doesn't mean it is a guarantee for a successful marriage but the odds are much more in your favour.
Sometimes women don’t know when it’s time to walk away. One of the hardest things to admit is when we should cut our losses and walk away. It doesn’t matter how long you been with someone, love just ain’t enough.
Yet women get blames for initiating the majority of divorces.
The thing about marriage is that it's never time to walk away. unless there's infidelity. it seems that most women are always chomping at the bit to have a reason to divorce.
@tjthoma7295 the thing about marriage is it is the only contract where one spouse is declared the winner when the other spouse dies.
@@tjthoma7295 I know it's hard to think outside of your own experience, but perhaps it was just your wife chomping at the bit to get divorced.
Love is a verb. Men dont get it.
This one hit close to home. Her husband is giving her an answer with his lack of response.
“Behaviour is a language.
But your fighting it. It’s like going to the ocean & getting the mad at the waves”.
Yeah that’s solid right there
This poor woman. She just told the story of my marriage and my poor sons. I stayed 17 years before I ended it. My sons bear the scars.😢
Hoping your sons can work through that pain and come out on the other side
Mine too. But, I couldn't trust any neglect, poor childish actions that would have come from the dad..... on their own. I had to protect them
Good job🙄
You prioritized your seggs life over your own kids. I’ll never understand women like you.
Afraid to tell you you’re not alone but God is the God of restoration 🙌🏽
Wow, this is exactly my dad. This behavior is deeply rooted in his childhood. His parents were lunatics. Not joking.
HA! Yeah... Know that one too! Crazy inlaws.
@@patriciaalbertson5183but it’s even worse when they are your biological grandparents… in-laws who cares…your stuck for life with the blood of em.
My parents are lunatics.
Elizabeth, please heed his advice. I had the same issues in my marriage. My ex wanted me to do everything and do it with a smile. I was tired, depressed and did not have time to take care of myself. Then he had the audacity to tell me I had let myself go.,., I did not have any time to take care of myself. Kick this man to the curb before he does it to you.
Great advice..my former husband criticized my aging body from age 35yr on-when our only child died suddenly, he bolted! Married a young single mother, half his age.
@@lmb4876 I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
I'm crying here. In a good way though. Like I know what needs to be done now. I thought I was the only one. Thank you to the caller and Thank you to you John 🙏
No... You are NOT the only one. Narsisist masks their Immaturity. And It makes it very hard to communicate and find solutions with a big child
“Choose guilt over resentment” really hit me hard.
BEHAVIOR IS A LANGUAGE!!!! POWERFUL 💯 💯 💯 💯
I have never met a man that intuitively knew what to do without being told or asked. I have only met men that have made my life harder and burdened me greatly with more house work, cleaning and mental load. Yeah, maybe a man will go to the grocery store for me, but I have to bid the plea and do the mental load of thinking of the grocery list with specifics (not just any old parmesan cheese, the REAL parmesan cheese… etc.) I have never met a man that intuitively just “knows.”
Wait for a man to approach you and pursue you, those types tend to be go getters. The ones you have to pursue are more laid back and not ambitious.
And this issue is why a lot of women leave marriages bc they become single moms legally married. One of the reasons why I didn’t have anymore kids but 1 was bc I already had 2; my daughter and my husband! Notice almost every woman in the comment section has or had the same problem with the men they married?
Here is the problem I have observed in general (may not apply 100% to this caller or individual cases):
Many women SAY they want a man that leads, but they have NO intention of being led in a relationship.
If their man attempts to lead in any way that they don't like (such as telling her that her spending habits need to change, her "girls night out in skimpy cloths" need to stop, her wanting to name their kid Kinsleigh or some other stupid name isn't going to happen) then these same women start calling her man controlling abusive.
These women also want her man to make tons of money, but also want him to have all this free time to come home at a reasonable hour and help her with the house chores. Oh, and she wants to be the decision maker on how to spend the money, regardless if he makes 80% of it.....
Basically, women in general don't really want a man to lead the family. What they really want is the man to be successful enough to overcome her dumb decisions, but she does not want him to stop her from making those decisions.
This is why so many women choose these beta male types, because they let her make the dumb decisions, BUT these same beta men are not strong enough to insulate them from the consequences of those bad decisions. And a REAL man would not put up with her making all these decisions, so they don't want that man.
These women HATE these beta men because so many of these women really want a father figure who will take care of everything and these beta males are just children themselves.
@@noushs8004 best advice ever
Lol beta males are created by single moms🥴🥴🥴
Elizabeth-
I pray to God you see this message.
I was you, without kids, for 14 years. I lived in a fantasy land the entire time....maybe if I'm skinnier, maybe if I help more, work more, give him sex more, pick my timing of talks more, yawn less cuz it makes him angry, maybe if I tell him we don't really need to have a child (my hearts desire), maybe if I give up my family and friends and spend all my time with him, maybe if I just keep _trying harder,_ he will love me and HELP me with life instead of it being all on me.
The harder I tried, the worse it got. We hadn't had sex in 4+ years and I would break down, broken-hearted and *lonely* and he didn't care. He called my tears manipulative and said "sex isn't that big a deal", then called me an animal for having a sex drive and longing to be with him intimately.
Elizabeth, you've needed someone to tell you your WHOLE LIFE that you are worthy, beautiful, smart, funny, that your accent is sexy as hell, that you are strong and can do anything you put your mind to, that you deserve to be and feel safe, that you deserve to be protected, that you deserve to have some help, to be seen and heard, you deserve a man and spouse who will CHANGE his actions because he just loves you THAT MUCH!
He is not that guy. You've given him more opportunities to SHOW you with actions, not words.
He is choosing himself and he won't change.
Please read books:
The Life Saving Divorce
Is It Me
Why does he do that?
(It will shed a lot of light on what's going on!)
And books on narcissism.
It will explain a LOT.
There is NOTHING wrong with you!!!
❤❤❤❤
Sending you a HUGE hug from SC!
Dr. D nailed it. I had this same thing going with my husband. It took moving all of heaven and earth but I got the courage to leave. When I left he begged for counseling, put himself in counseling and 8 months later we were back together. He’s recognized his trauma and fixed himself. He’s now a partner. Not perfect but he’s working on himself. All that to say it is absolute hell to be married and feel lonely. Elizabeth needs to leave. It’s the only way. That man is killing her. Therapy will do her wonders.
It took me 24 years to say "that's it"! Mine was married to his job; worked midnight shift and every weekend. He loved going to work. I was a single married mom. My only badge of honor is my two children. I never found true love; my life regret.
@@dianerandazzo1766 I love that you had the courage to leave. You're still breathing so it's not too late. Even so, it's so much better to be your own autonomous self than to have dead weight. Congrats. 💕
This couple has gone through not one but TWO separations. They need to divorce.
I think Dr. John hit the nail on the head in his last statement. The sad fact that no one wants to talk about, is that the vast majority of divorced women end up in poverty. Their kids suffer because rarely is the father able to provide enough to support two households, and rarely do fathers even pay the court ordered amount. They're also in poverty when they retire, because they end up spending every cent on feeding and clothing their kids rather than saving. It's an impossible choice. I know people who are in these "roommate" marriages and they can't leave them without destroying their financial situation, and the finances of their kids. It's all fine and good to tell people to "follow their hearts" and leave someone, but most can't afford to. It really sucks that women have to take such a huge gamble if they want to settle down and have kids, there doesn't seem to be a great way to avoid these risks unless you come from wealth.
When reality television does not match the objective reality of people who identify as not-super-rich.
@@joshuacorbin221 ?
And yet, comments to these videos are full of women who testify to feeling their best since divorcing their husbands and getting out of shitty marriages. I'm divorced and I've never had cause to regret it.
@@vaska1999 I'm glad you're happy, but statistically, there are a lot of women in poverty. Presumably they made the choice that they're happier being poor than in the marriage, but it's still not an ideal situation for them. Having kids is always a big financial risk for women, you're exposing yourself to a lot of vulnerability in terms of decreased earnings and needing to at least partially rely on a man. If he decides to pull the rug out from under you, it's bad for you and the kids.
That's the main reason women stay with abusive men as well. Mot men recover financially from divorce quite quicky, whereas women generally do not.
Your MOM might need to say “I need help with the dishes.” Your wife should never have to-not because you should be able to read her mind, because it’s you responsibility to be sharing the burden of keeping the house going. Not occasionally “helping” your wife when she nags you.
Yup my soon to be ex husband said I would act like his mom but he failed to see that he acted like a child. We both work full-time, yet I was stuck with all the household chores and child responsibilities. Incredibly frustrating
YES!!! Grown adults shouldn’t need to be told that the trash can is full, the dishes need done, the washer needs emptied, the kids need picked up from school, the baby needs a fresh diaper, the yard needs mowed, the branches need trimmed, the pantry needs organized, the bathroom needs cleaned, the table needs decluttered, the car needs new tires, and the couch needs vacuumed.
Those are directions from parents. NOT directions for a spouse. Adults that are abled bodied can see and do the tasks that need to be done WITHOUT BEING TOLD. I am a mother to 3 and I couldn’t imagine telling my husband the same stuff I encourage our children to do. Ick.
Are you stupid???? Men are not mind readers? We are very simple creatures. The simple act of communicating one's needs such as "needing help with the dishes" is communicating. Sure, we can take the lead and wish dishes which I do because I hate seeing clutter but asking for help is completely normal.
Some men like myself work 76 to 82 hours a week taking care of my business. When I find a wife who agrees to stay home, I would hate for her to be asking me to do more than repairs and yard work.
On the flip side, what is she responsible for? I need to hear from both spouses' sides. This seems to be one side. My mom is lazy ass compared to my dad. Most women I know don't have nearly the work ethic their partner does, including taking care of kids cleaning, etc. Only a few men I know are completely lazy spouses. It's possible she is ungrateful for the wrong reasons.
My husband tried to get me to take care of my car’s maintenance. I said not till you’re dead bc I do EVERYTHING else as it is.
Being single and a loner, I am blessed
Best peice of advice, that I ever got, was to find a girl, that was like my best friend, and marry her. I did that, and been happily married for over a decade. Love is out there, just not on tinder.
@@DJRiyzen I hope you have many years of happiness
How? Being single and a loner I feel awful.
@@ForAncientKingAndElvishLord been that way all my life,62 now
@Paul Schwartz no goals
my husband was similar, but then we figured out he was depressed
❤❤
The way men are brought up, he probably didn’t even know it.
@@RespekfulFungus he had no idea. but I'm glad we found out and that he went for a therapy or else it would ruin our marriage
How many years till you figure it out?
@@shachede6828 we started to have major problems, same ones as in this video, when we got our baby girl. it didn't start there, it was just a catalyst that accentuated it.
On the bright side, if you divorce him, you have one less kid to take care of!
"going to the ocean, getting mad at the waves....."
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 It's too late. He's checked out a long time ago!
You are a married single woman! I got my second divorce with three kids and no job, no skills, six months behind in rent and a car loan and a dog! John is giving her a reality check. As Dr. Phil says, "How's that working for you?" Play this video back and listen to what he is saying... he's telling you the truth! God bless! Life is better on the other side!
She won't leave him. Met enough women in her situation and hardly any got out. Too sad, everybody deserves to be treated with love and respect.
My best wishes to you ❤
There might be part of the story she kept out. Sounds like she might be slightly controlling and naggy
@@dinajones2761 never ever just believe a woman. Of course she’s leaving things out. She’s NOT innocent. Not to mention, he’s so terrible but SHE PICKED HIM.
@@dcg590 I agree
People are very different at the beginning. I've seen it happe, they'll be good just for long enough till they think it's safe to be their actual selves. By then you're already attached. Yeah, we should leave these situations, but maybe read up on trauma bonds, codependency, narcissism, etc. It's possible this isn't the case here of course, but I've seen it happen too much. You're sold a lie and you part of you thinks it can be fixed and love is real so you keep trying. It's hard to let go of a person if you're genuine about how much you care, they may not, but it doesn't change how you feel. Leaving is obviously the best decision, but it's hard and leaves its own scars. So it's like choosing between two bad things, a lot of people's lives don't always become all beautiful and dandy from what they had before. So the new reality is a less bad thing, but it's still bad, and that's why I think people just end up choosing to stay in the original situation. Not strong enough. And lack of self love.
No. Everybody deserves what they accept and settle for.
My 10 year old said if I ever get remarried can I marry someone who loves me and my 9 year old said why are you hanging on….. 😢
Kids see everything. We think they don't understand but kids are smarter than we believe. They also learn from their parent's relationship - they take that as a norm and seek it when they grow up.
Ugh, so sorry to hear this.
@rhinoglitter5997 I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
When someone shows you who they really are - believe them. When they ignore their own kids and do nothing, run run run but do it quietly. Save up. Make a plan. Move. Cancel social media. Do not communicate. Be healthy. You're kids deserve it.
THe words of her daughter speaks volumes.
This! What they see at home in their childhood is the norm. They will be effected by it for life. They can try and live the same life or choose to break the cycle and that's what this little girl is doing.
This was too relatable, and looking at the comments section makes me sad. Whew 😢
How this man learned to be so irresponsible? From his father? This is hardly an accident. He learned long ago that this is what a “man” is. Wife can’t fix that.
My husband was not a leader just a shame I had to leave him.
Oh boy, this was me and my husband. I held onto the fantasy and didn’t believe I deserved better. He’s dead now but the damage to our kids was done.
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
This seems to be a worldwide issue. This is just so sad.
It’s frustrating that women have to literally spell out to their husbands I need you to do X Y and Z. Like, is not a 50/50 partnership?? Why does the husband get to take a backseat and just wait to be assigned tasks?? It’s exhausting being in a relationship like this. I felt like am nothing but a housekeeper to my husband for years. He would refuse to step up and then get resentful and say he felt like I always called the shots. 😣
It’s so common and so sad. I’m going through it ..🙌🏾
Elizabeth is ALSO modeling for her kids that there is no consequence for this maltreatment from this husband. Do you want your daughter to think that tolerating this type of contempt & emotional absence from a husband is okay?
Thank you Caller and Dr.John for this powerful conversation.
Dr John you do such a great job simplifying . Like all the useless over thinking we do is not necessary
Soo many of my friends.. live in this situation..
Soo Sorry!
My life goal was to be married by 30 and have a family. I wanted so bad to do it right since my parents relationship was wrong. I wasted my 30’s believing and trusting the wrong partners and got absolutely nowhere. I’m now in my 40’s , no kids, no husband, not even a boyfriend by choice because I refuse to settle and put myself last, and not be appreciated or loved the way I deserve to be or how I show it. My parents are still married, 55yrs , unhealthy, and miserable, and I have to see this every time I’m with them wishing they had divorced when I was a kid!
You refuse to settle? Has it occurred to you that a man would be settling for you ? What do you think you ‘deserve’? You’re selfish for sure. Buy a dog
Same it’s honestly devastatingly sad
Feminism likes em single.
Good work I guess
@@Shaolin91z oh so you think she’s single because of feminism? Rather than because her parents only ever modeled a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship to her, leading her to choose the wrong partners? SMH…
Why even be married to live like that
Because he wants a person to consistently hunch on and split bills and take care of the kids and home.. most men are not financially supporting thier Familly 100% so it’s a win for them … sad to say many married women are dealing with this I am happy I left every other week dad picks up child ,child support when your together with that man he is just in the house but not contributing anything
@Helen Y A yeah single moms are a hot commodity on the dating market. There are a lot of creeps willing to put up with a used woman for access to her kids
A "used" woman. Hahaha! Good luck with love, bubba.
@@nly4607 Clueless sighting.
@willieverusethis yeah her womb has been used and her kids require constant upkeep and can be taken on a whim....bad deal all around
This hits home for many women…
True.. it's very sad...
Here is the problem I have observed in general (many not apply 100% to this caller or individual cases):
Many women SAY they want a man that leads, but they have NO intention of being led in a relationship.
If their man attempts to lead in any way that they don't like (such as telling her that her spending habits need to change, her "girls night out in skimpy cloths" need to stop, her wanting to name their kid Kinsleigh or some other stupid name isn't going to happen) then these same women start calling her man controlling abusive.
These women also want her man to make tons of money, but also want him to have all this free time to come home at a reasonable hour and help her with the house chores. Oh, and she wants to be the decision maker on how to spend the money, regardless if he makes 80% of it.....
Basically, women in general don't really want a man to lead the family. What they really want is the man to be successful enough to overcome her dumb decisions, but she does not want him to stop her from making those decisions.
This is why so many women choose these beta male types, because they let her make the dumb decisions, BUT these same beta men are not strong enough to insulate them from the consequences of those bad decisions. And a REAL man would not put up with her making all these decisions, so they don't want that man.
These women HATE these beta men because so many of these women really want a father figure who will take care of everything and these beta males are just children themselves.
@@nickdipaolofan5948What you haven't figured out is that women want an equal partner in life - not a leader or a follower.
They want a partnership of equals. They don't want a man they can dominate, but also not a man that will dominate them.
@@CyeOutsider women don't want to BE an equal partner, they want to SAY they are an equal partner. Women want a man who makes more money than them (they will "settle" for a man that make the same as them and will look for an exit in the relationship if he starts making less than her. Women want men to share in the home chores but have no intention of themselves sharing in the car maintenance, home maintenance, yard maintenance, etc. Women don't want to share in the responsibilities of protecting the family if a burglar breaks in. Women also SAY they want a man to be equal in the parenting BUT in reality, they just want him to rubber stamp all of her parenting opinions and keep his mouth shut if he disagrees with her.
Lastly, there is no such thing as equal partners. There is always one who makes more or another who is more dominate. So, 100% equal partnership is a fantasy.
Leave him because he doesn’t love you. Men tend to step up when in love to impress the lover and keep them around. If he doesn’t care if you leave or stay then he won’t feel the need to step up for you and he is just not into you.
This is why there are laws to force men to be responsible because most men ,especially with no honor or sense of morality, will just have babies and ignore them if they don’t like the mother or child. Or divorce and start a new life and forget the past life behind, including kids they left behind, or women who sacrificed their own productivity and youth to support him, have and nurture his kids back when he felt he liked her. He will just get attracted to some lady and focus on stepping up for her and impress her and forget everything else which is why the law interferes especially for the kids. Some even go to great lengths of murdering the wife and kids to start a new life and to not be responsible or forced to step up.
The fact that men kill their own children to avoid stepping up should show you-you are better off leaving him alone rather than thinking you can change his mind and make him care for you. Only thing you can do is drag him kicking and screaming to child support, that’s the only way he will step up
And that’s also why women empowerment is so important because women can make choices to marry or not, to divorce or not, to have kids or not. rather than depend on some guy liking her enough give her what she needs
This. I wish Dr. Delony would speak on this. It would be interesting to hear his take.
Some people don’t know how to love and they are sociopath. It is hard to change them if they don’t want to change or feel your anxiety and hardships.
Yep he doesn’t love her or their kid. He will do the very things you beg for with another woman because he will love her. I learned that. Men are natural leaders. When they refuse it’s because he doesn’t want you. If he lets his mother insult you he doesn’t love you. When he never backs you or supports you he doesn’t love you. A man can live with you eat dinner and have sex and hate you the whole time . A man told me that
@Just_to_comment looks like you often gaslight yourselves 🤣
Was he a leader as a boyfriend and a fiancé or did he become another person after marriage ?
Food for thought: you get the person you pick not the person you hope they will be
Women love tall lazy men. This is a fact.
Wow. Mine wasn't a leader then, not now, not ever. He does pay the bills but... Thanks for posting this.
As long as you dont live together with someone you can never know even 50% how they really are. Even when live together and married you still can’t know 100%
Arainea, look up love bombing. Narcissists fake it for years to ensnare a mate and once they've got commitment, they slowly take off the mask and then you've been dealt a bait and switch. But it's insidious emotional abuse, most outsiders think these people are "so nice" because they put on the fake act for everyone else. But for the spouse, it's bringing a frog to a slow boil of deception and destruction. Research narcissism. And be grateful you're not in that situation instead of judging others for being blindsided by their worst fear because they too had no clue about narcissist emotional abuse until it happened to them.
@@shachede6828men here in comment section disagree lol
My husband was like this but we have better communication . Men are visual so I would try and make my point visually . Men need to lead and I prayed so much for wisdom , I began being more respectful yet playful I didn’t want it to change who I was because I didn’t want to be miserable . With time he realized he wasn’t changing me nor was I crying to him about anything , I cried to God I prayed to him . Later I realized his childhood has a lot to do with his behavior so I spoke to his mom (shhh) she let me in on a few family incidents and now I understood why he was that way. I have more compassion for him now. I still prayed he would lead but God had better plans … I started working on myself and just accepting him for who he was. With time he started feeling safe and now he’s becoming the man I’ve been praying for . I pray for this woman , she still cares about him and doesn’t want to give up . He can’t pass down to his kids what wasn’t given to him, but you do it until he sees it and starts mimicking it . Js
So does your husband make decisions on behalf of your family now?
Very wise. Thanks for sharing. I hope she reads your comment.
@@lovette7684 we make decisions together
@@jarelchico thanks I hope so too . Have an awesome week !
Not all men are visual and not all men need to lead. Many of them won't. These are not universal truths. It's not God's will for all situations to work out although I'm very glad yours did. Only God changes hearts, not us. Many women do those same things and it doesn't work because God's ultimate goal is repentance and the state of the soul, and only He knows what gets people to that place.
His last statement… poverty is more prevalent for single moms while the dads net worth goes up…is why so many choose to stay. Because why would we want to experience poverty
Growing up in my household, I would have preferred the poverty.
Because you don't want your children to grow up like him. Because you don't want to groom them into thinking that's what a marriage is or should be like. Because you have self respect and refuse to prostitute yourself, which is what life in such marriages comes down to.
If a man doesn't care about a woman's needs, he's not going to fake it. This caller HAS to recognize that this guy probably was someone else's damaged goods and probably never wanted to be with her in the first place.
He’s lackadaisical. Men like this rarely change. Best bet is to get out early. I had an ex like this. I dipped after 2 years. Ran into him a few years ago and he’s still going with the flow 🙄. .
An old age Peter Pan. Thats my oldest brother and Moms favorite. He was an outstanding scholar but cant handle the real world. 75 years old and still looking for Wendy and doesnt want to grow up.
This brought tears to my eyes watching this video. This is exactly what I was going through in my marriage of 19 years. I was drowning and exhausted. He would not keep a job. He wouldn't help with dinner, mow the lawn, watch the twins so I had to still pay about $400 per week for childcare while he was home doing nothing or fishing/hunting. I was also clear on what I needed from him in a nice tone and when there was no tension. He would help out for a few weeks, but then stop. I am now divorce, even though I was heartbroken because I had a picture of what my marriage would look like and I was planning a 20th year vow renewal wedding. I am at so much peace now. God has open doors for me as a single mom. I am now able to work from home as a RN so when my kids get sick, I don't have to miss work. Unfortunately, he is still unreliable and can't keep a job. Always asking to borrow money. I have no consistent help with the kids. As Dr John would say, " if behavior is a language what is he saying." I wish I knew that long time ago.
I hope you're not lending your ex a cent!
You should have left it’s all also on Accountability you will get what you Allow
@lakiyaalston8187 I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️ Glad you're doing better
I LOVE how JD acknowledges how she (or anyone else in this position, man-or-woman) is a "straight GANGSTER". Because that is the best description of what it's like. Just a "gangster all the time, in every situation, because you know YOU, HAVE TO GET STUFF DONE. AND ONLY you can count on YOU to get it done". Sad....but true. I feel this lady.
And awesome job to JD for being such a great listener and being so attentive to her thoughts because she's a constant "spiral-er" in the way she thinks and communicates. She would go down a rabbit whole and he was great with getting her to stop and listen to what he was actually saying rather than what she's been telling herself for years.
We need more JD's in the world!!❤
I am so torn for her situation! I don’t understand why people ( her husband in this instance) get married if they don’t want to be engaged in the marriage & family! She has to leave him, mentally, not be the frog in the boiling pot. She and the kids need to write him off and the three of them be the family l for each other, they will be so much better off spiritually and mentally.
Great Advice Dr John I Have So Gone through This Process Better and Stronger For This And I So Do Better Alone Right Now ✅ Debt Free And Happy And My Son Is In College! Very Proud Mother!
She doesn’t want answers, she wants to vent.
Venting is part of therapy.
Maybe both.
Sometimes you need that.
Agree! She'll vent but then she'll go back to exactly the way things are with him....
Yea you can tell she doesn’t listen
Dr. Deloney, you are so direct in this one! Thank you for the conviction. It is so refreshing this day and age. Thank you! Way to fast forward the inevitable and minimize the length of pain we tend to draw out with “hopium” that things might someday get better. If they haven’t in 14 years despite clear communication, that’s a choice, and and answer. We can keep throwing our head against a brick wall but complaining that it continues to hurt won’t help. Until we step away from that brick wall.
Which is a different form of pain in this situation.
I’m overweight a bit, ok. That’s where my choices have lead me this far. I know better. But doing better is different. Someone once said to me,
“You can get expensive treatment and strict regimens for diabetes in a year, or you can make the hard choices now that lead to health. Either way is hard. Choose your hard.”
That put it in perspective. For me.
You can stay married. To this set of problems and issues.
Or you can make a fresh choice that might be healthier for your family than signing up to build additional resentments by staying in it.
There’s no guarantee either will be easier. In fact, either one is likely to be hard.
Because life is hard. And unfair. And frustrating and upsetting. It gives us grief.
Nobody promised any of us an easy life and there’s not many that can say theirs is, at least not without a whole lot of hard-won wisdom from painful lessons like this.
But we live in a society that tells us we’re too rich to be unhappy. We have too many resources to complain. If something is upsetting, we must be mentally ill or crazy or there must be something wrong with us.
It’s gaslighting.
You’re not wrong for your feelings. But it might be time to learn or figure out fresh ways of dealing with them.
And that your feelings are not his responsibility to manage any more than his are yours. Because you are each grown ups. You can exercise maturity in flexibility to being open to fresh ways of doing things. Even if that means harder, like being a single mom. Because that might be healthier or better or more peaceful than raising your kids inside or around your resentments against your husband.
Children of divorce absolutely have a tougher time, but keeping them in an environment that might be abusive or neglectful is not necessarily better for them.
Is it?
Awesome.
@@lyndaslocs thanks.
Taking me a long time to learn that 2 things aren't my responsibility:
1) other people's feelings
2) other people's behavior
But that a different 2 things are:
1) how I manage or respond to my own feelings
2) my own behavior
That is all I can take responsibility for, and gives me plenty of that, because I must take that responsibility now if I want to avoid more severe pain (like with the diabetes example) later.
Dho! Exercising the insight I might be able to make mentally - practicing the responsibility can be more intimidating than it seems. I appreciate your encouragement. I'm still in process.
One time while pumping gas, I toon my 3 kids - then young or very little - into the store for a treat to reward some good behavior they had displayed. It was Friday Funday, about 3. We got there before there was a line... And my youngest has the most trouble picking and choosing just 1 treat. He has to view all the options and he carefully considers which one might be just right for him at this point. He was maybe like barely 3 at the time.
His brother, older by only a year is the most decisive person you ever met. He knew what he wanted walking in, grabbed it, and began egging his siblings to choose fast so we could pay and he could enjoy it.
Their older sister took a few minutes but not as long as the youngest, who wandered all over the store to be sure the choice he made would be just right. Can you blame him? This is a rare occasion post Covid, to walk in, to chose a treat. A big deal, something very special to him.
By the time we got in the line for the counter, it had been maybe 15 minutes and the line had suddenly grown. So we waited like reasonable people.
When we got up to the counter to pay, a man who was behind us made a comment toward me.
He was frustrated because his truck was behind our car and he had to wait for the pump while my son chose his treat.
The man may have said some choice words about his anger at me for not parking in a space 1st. (Truly, upon arrival, our car was only 1 of 2 cars and there had been plenty of open pumps when we walked in, just before the apparent rush - I had no way of knowing he'd arrive or the pump we'd chosen might be his favorite). As though we'd purposely taken longer just to slow down his day.
Well, the whole line turned to see how we would respond, like "are you *thaf* rude, Lady!"
But all I saw were my kids, looking up at me with fear in their eyes of this strange, tall, old man, and uncertainty about what to do. How would I respond?
We had just moved to a new, much smaller town... And they weren't sure what to expect.
I have no idea what took hold of my tongue, but I considered his point for a beat, and then said, "Oh. It frustrated you that you had to wait in line while my children chose their reward for good behavior? Well, phew! Thank God you are a grown up so you know how to manage those feelings." Conspiratorial, almost as if with a wink and nod, right?
My older son had just started whining about the line taking too long because he was scared of this stranger. He wanted us away from him, I could see it in his face and body language.
I saw my young man, and this statement just floated right out of my mouth as I looked at the stranger, then the kids, then back at the man again as if to say, "I'm sure you understand."
Meanwhile, the children, though getting antsy, seemed relieved.
We finished paying and walked out as quickly as we could with the man looking back at us, still stuck in line, jaw slack, stricken.
"Thank God you're a grown up so you know how to manage those feelings. Phew!"
Some of the most powerful words I ever said.
I am still learning.
Rockin’ on like the break o’ dawn, NYCity!!!!
It's not going to change. Leave him or continue to put up with it.
Dr. John nailed it!! I believe before getting married, everyone needs to put their feeling aside and ask themselves “What does this person do for me? How does this person make me feel? How does this person contribute to my happiness and well being? And How do I contribute to their happiness and well-being?” Be honest with your answers and write it down if you have to.
NO NO NO. what you should be asking yourself is the complete opposite. What can I do for them? How can I make them happy? How can I add to their life? You’re so selfish I hope you never get married. Marriage isn’t a ‘me’ thing. Everything you said is completely wrong and narcissistic. You don’t belong in a relationship let alone a marriage. Get therapy now
You shouldn’t have to tell grown man you need help with the dishes or how about you do your laundry you shouldn’t have to do that nobody signed up to be somebody else’s mother
Exactly!
Watch the husband be surprised when served with divorce papers. She really needs a tough lawyer to get her the best deal.
Here is the problem I have observed in general (many not apply 100% to this caller or individual cases):
Many women SAY they want a man that leads, but they have NO intention of being led in a relationship.
If their man attempts to lead in any way that they don't like (such as telling her that her spending habits need to change, her "girls night out in skimpy cloths" need to stop, her wanting to name their kid Kinsleigh or some other stupid name isn't going to happen) then these same women start calling her man controlling abusive.
These women also want her man to make tons of money, but also want him to have all this free time to come home at a reasonable hour and help her with the house chores. Oh, and she wants to be the decision maker on how to spend the money, regardless if he makes 80% of it.....
Basically, women in general don't really want a man to lead the family. What they really want is the man to be successful enough to overcome her dumb decisions, but she does not want him to stop her from making those decisions.
This is why so many women choose these beta male types, because they let her make the dumb decisions, BUT these same beta men are not strong enough to insulate them from the consequences of those bad decisions. And a REAL man would not put up with her making all these decisions, so they don't want that man.
These women HATE these beta men because so many of these women really want a father figure who will take care of everything and these beta males are just children themselves.
@@nickdipaolofan5948assumptions
My ex husband was like that. On top of it, he did not work and took half of the savings, investments, and retirement I built during the divorce. I learned during the divorce that he had millions that he never spend for our family. He lived on my earnings, had a health insurance out of my work benefit. He was loved, cherished, taken care of like king. I wasted 17 years of my life while trying to raise this disgusting man. I am happily divorced for a year now. The kids will eventually understand. I have a 12 and 14 year old girls now. The divorce took 4 years. Hell of a war to get rid of him. I gave everything I have so I would have the kids and they would not die in his not caring parenting time and I agreed on no child support to have my kids. My 14 years girl -who did not see her mother treated like a loved one and always see her struggling, stressed, and fighting with life- decided not to be a girl anymore. She attempted suicide in her father’s house. I really wish for some fairness for my kids and me. It is so hard to explain to the kids how unfair life can be. I am happily divorced. No loving/giving mother, wife or kids deserve to be treated like this.
Yup those choices are hard and the after effect 🤦♀️
That point of realization he's talking about...it takes a little awhile to get to and she won't get to it until she's reached her breaking point, it could take months or years ...I've been there.
I went through this. I was finally set free when he had an affair.
👏👏👏👏💯
This hit home! Divorced after 20 yrs and we are together again after 14 yrs post divorce. Boy have the tables turned! I feel valued now. I have boundaries today 🎉
You are 100% correct. Thank you
Face he'll never change, and keep in mind you'll likely live in poverty if you leave. Choose your demon.🙎♀️ There are so many steps before deciding to divorce. She needs therapy and counsel.
My finances went up he was the dead weight it was beneficial for him to be with me but he got too big for his britches 6 years later he still hasn’t recovered .. people always think the grass is greener but it’s greener when you water your own grass… at this point it doesn’t make funicular sense to entertain marriage based on the numbers
Divorce, get child support, then move to a state ,like Florida, or Alabama. Way lower cost of living, and higher chance of finding a loving partner.
That ain’t no crap! My first condo stay in Florida was on the beach and it was $950 for 7 nights. My most recent condo stay (old condo too) was $2,800 for 6 nights. Every year it goes up $300ish from the previous year. It’s wild.
@@SarahConnor562 I'm from Florida I'm trying to get the f out!!! Too high
He s not dedicated to being a father or doesn't know how.
My husband ended up leaving because he couldn't hang being a dad to our three boys and my husband. He started a new life(selfish). We went round and round with me begging and pleading with him to make some changes.
Yes, let him feel what it means to have a life without you.
So, mothers of sons are to blame big time. Mothers baby their sons and do not raise them to be responsible men that will make good husbands. Mothers want to overprotect and have a son devoted to their mommy...into adolescence and adulthood...it isn't right. I have a son. I want to teach him to be a responsible man who will be a good husband and leader for his family one day. I need to step back and put my feelings on the back burner and prioritize my son and his future life.
Your post reminds me of the chapter titled "The Brainwasher" in the book "Red Flags! How to Know When You're Dating a Loser" by two male psychologists. Also reminds me of the book "When he's married to mom" and when Nancy Kobrin PhD talks and writes about how for some people, it's taboo to individuate from their mom. But we must individuate from mom in order to be healthy.
@@moondog7694 Here is the problem I have observed in general (many not apply 100% to this caller or individual cases):
Many women SAY they want a man that leads, but they have NO intention of being led in a relationship.
If their man attempts to lead in any way that they don't like (such as telling her that her spending habits need to change, her "girls night out in skimpy cloths" need to stop, her wanting to name their kid Kinsleigh or some other stupid name isn't going to happen) then these same women start calling her man controlling abusive.
These women also want her man to make tons of money, but also want him to have all this free time to come home at a reasonable hour and help her with the house chores. Oh, and she wants to be the decision maker on how to spend the money, regardless if he makes 80% of it.....
Basically, women in general don't really want a man to lead the family. What they really want is the man to be successful enough to overcome her dumb decisions, but she does not want him to stop her from making those decisions.
This is why so many women choose these beta male types, because they let her make the dumb decisions, BUT these same beta men are not strong enough to insulate them from the consequences of those bad decisions. And a REAL man would not put up with her making all these decisions, so they don't want that man.
These women HATE these beta men because so many of these women really want a father figure who will take care of everything and these beta males are just children themselves.
Covert narcissism, enmeshment, and emotional in¿est. Look it up. Lot of Moms out there looking to their sons to fill the emotional hole their husbands make in their hearts. Emotional abuse, the crap flows downward.
@nickdipaolofan5948 No self respecting adult needs another adult to lead them. Ridiculous
@@user-cl5st1oy1i that is why men don't say that want a woman that is a leader, yet many women say they want a man who is a leader
It’s been a year of waiting … I’ve been living at my parents while he promises to get a home for our little family …
He did go to rehab and got sober and has been bettering himself
He was supposed to start today
And I think he overslept..so obviously alcohol wasn’t the problem..I’m devastated and heartbroken … but I have to walk away ..
He will
Probably say some
Excuse like they are starting next week
It’s over. And unless he gets a home in 30 days I will get no contact order aswell. Might seem harsh but I waited a year and feel stupid for it. And
People find housing all the time on a 30 day notice
Not harsh at all. He's a dead weight and I hope you've left go off him by now.
22 years and "but he doesn't" is the key. He doesn't want it. You can work so hard. behaviour is a language. What is he telling you. "I dont care what you need, what will make you whole, I just care about me... " their actions speak louder Than their words, the issues for me is He's " a nice guy" so I know I will look like the bad one if I leave
She knows the answer but I doubt she will act on any advice, some women are just like that because the unknown is scary and they rather stick with the bad husband
Wow. This one hit home.
Elizabeth sounds like a lovely person. If her husband doesn't value her she should leave him.
Yes, you gotta call the meeting to order! You gotta say, this is not the way you treat ppl. We are worth more than this.
Oh boy and she went back again and again… And people wonder why 80% of divorces are initiated by women and usually happens after kids come into the picture!
Women are financially rewarded for breaking up families. That's why it's 80%.
I've been through a tumultuous cancer journey which started over 3 years ago and been left relying on a commode, bed-bound for weeks, incontinent. I am so fearful of becoming that man. But I see it, I see how hard she pushes to leave her care home shifts and come back to someone just as incapable. I want to be better and I'll never give up. I just fear I'll never be enough.
A lot of guys are like this, unfortunately. Lord knows where the laziness and apathy stems from. But I also think this lady should try and find men who are fathers whom her husband will respect. This guy needs men in his life to challenge him and hold him accountable. But if this wasn't something that was ever done previously, it likely won't work. Ladies, be careful who you choose to marry.
@Gabbs dy as a married mom of two I appreciate your candid experience. It does absolutely take finding meaning in family to male the work of it worthwhile and it does 100% make things easier when you yave a partner who feels the same as you. Otherwise this is how one should live and I commend you for knowing this about yourself before making one! Kudos to you!
SHE WAS ME!!!! I went through EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS SAYING and said the samething at one-point at the 9:10 mark. I feel like a single mom!!! He wasn't my husband. Just my former fiance! Omg!! I felt this in my soul 😩😭
Whew! Very relatable.
She’s married to a narcissist it seems can’t be sure because she hasn’t went into details but my husband was the same way. I got therapy and realized I had daddy abandonment issues which is why I chose a man like that. I left after 18 years after being treated this way now I’m married to a wonderful man who leads. Her husband is only using her for a place to live and someone to take care of him.
Yep! Right on! I don't understand why so many of the commentators here aren't educated about narcissism. It's so obvious!
Elizabeth, I was your daughter. At twelve, I knew I wasn't going to marry or have a child. It seemed like the beginning of a hostage situation. My mother was so involved in the pretense that I had to raise my terrified siblings. I couldn't get a full-time job or leave home until the kids were safe. When I thought they were safe, I left, took my savings, went to college, and worked. Two weeks later I called home and those kids/teenagers were gone. There were out-of-state and residing in undisclosed, privately paid locations. I had no rights. They didn't know how to find me. Since that moment, at 21, I have had an absolute No Give Back Policy. You give me your children, then they are my children. I will not stand down. I have a 100% never back down policy, I don't trust, and I don't walk away. I don't blink. When they are adults and can make adult decisions, I will still be here...if I am asked to help. There are truly some people who do not have their children's best interests at heart. Stand ready and don't let that be you.
This hit me. My husband keeps telling me he doesn’t care but here I am…I’m still here. I keep praying God will change him cause I know I can’t. Stinks being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.
This was literally me. I left. Now I’m with someone who adores me that I respect who sees me as an equal partner.
You deserve to be Loved. Leave.
I love my sister so much, but she's been in such an unhealthy relationship for almost 20 years. They have two kids together and it hurts to be helpless while I've watched my nieces absorb all their pain. She won't see a therapist or counselor nor take any steps to separate herself from him. Living in fantasy land is dangerous and pushes you further away from reality and salvation. Please get help!
You can't change him but you can change yourself. You can grow yourself. If he doesn't want to grow with you then you can leave him behind. He doesn't change because he doesn't have to.
And this show is a sign for you! Do you want to be in the same uphill battle on a daily basis in 2, 3 or 5 yrs? 🤷🏽♀️
He might love you to the capacity he can feel empathy. We often kill the emotional life of our boys and men ritually from childhood. The more sensitive the child, the more silent the murder of their soul. Both moms and dads and families and educators and peers contribute. Some of us can't discern young children who are truly more empathetic and sensitive than we are. Thugs and psychopaths give birth to poets and educators and empaths. Parents sometimes try to wrench sensitivity out of their children because they themselves are unable to experience the same emotions. If you can see good in your man and he can access it on occasion, then it's your call on how long you want to do all of the emotional work in your relationship.
He won't care, change, or believe you until he is laid weak or in infirmity, or in poor health. All of a sudden, in HIS need he will see who you are and your true intentions. Interestingly, statistics tell us that you can walk away and live another life. Love others, adopt or care for kids, work if you are able, and just ignore him. When he needs you and if you want to help him, he will let you in his front door to do that. He knows and depends on the fact that you do truly love him. Love to you and all of the people you love.
Good job...this is why I'm subscribed ❤love the content
My husband chose to feel regret rather than to act in the moment - and now, 15 years later, I’m finding it hard to trust him.
Excellent episode.
What about when that same spouse makes that same choice about not going to Moms on Thanksgiving but they still treat you with disdain because they feel bad for not going????
You are the best servant a man can have. And the worst example for a son or a daughter
Men like him go from living at home with mom to living with his girlfriend/wife. He’s never been independent. He’s always had a woman taking care of him. He never grew up mentally.
I love this man.
Bless your heart...
Facts# Dr John
"Guilt is just another feeling, and it goes away like all the others!"😉
I’ve been here too, with the kids stepdad. What he wanted was a mother & a maid. I had already been a single parent for 9 years before we were married. Within 2 years of our marriage I figured out that he was not going to be my helpmate but I was his slave mate. He was a covert narcissist & slowly turned everyone against me, especially the last two years I was making plans to leave. I did, I’m free, but both my children (not his) are still convinced he worked so hard & I was unreasonable. Yup, even tho he kept sabotaging jobs, was unemployed 50% of our marriage, he robbed me of over 300K in my investments, I worked 3 jobs to support us while he spent weeks on end visiting his family up north fishing & doing nothing . . Shameful . . .
I love her sounds effects.
I like this caller, she sounds forthright
she is going to stay. she is obsessed with having a husband.
Sure sounds like it.