Dr. Joshua Coleman on the Five Common Mistakes of Alienated and Estranged Parents
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- čas přidán 12. 07. 2022
- This week on Families Divided, Dr. Joshua Coleman discusses the Five Common Mistakes of Alienated and Estranged Parents.
Next week, Dr. Edward Kruk speaks with Dr. Colleen Murray on the Need for a Multi-Faceted Approach to Addressing Parental Alienation.
Thanks, Dr. Coleman. One day I would like you to speak on the subject of parents choosing not to reconcile because of the terrible damage their adult children have done to them. How do we go on and deal with the trauma they have delt us?
I think he has addressed this topic before
@@FamiliesDividedTV Can you provide the link?
Candace, go no contact with these children.
@@ellyk8834 No that won’t show them anything. It will give you peace of mind and as it has for them when they liberated themselves from parents deserving of alienation. If you “show them” it means you’re still attached. The relationship is over. It is done and dead. Move on.
God this pain is getting unbearable!
I couldn't agree more!!
I hate myself for letting this happen to the kids. I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life.
God bless you many of us are going through it together. I suspect most of us are quite decent people being preyed upon.
Dr. C, thank u, so helpful and articulate, great food for thought 🙏🏾☮️🌈
So glad it was helpful. Please subscribe to our you tube channel. It is of no charge to you. Also please share the videos on our channel. We want to help as many as we can.
There's little out there in terms of literature to support parents' decisions to give up trying. I've dealt with cycles of estrangements for a decade now; I can't do it anymore, and I'm actually relieved. The demands have been repetitive, exhausting, extremely hurtful and debilitating.
Each one has to deal with this in whatever way gives them peace.
I’m dealing with this too. I just don’t know what the final step is in TRULY giving up. Every few months it hits me, I try again and I’m thrown into the beginning of the mourning cycle again by the way my attempts are met, rejected or ignored. .,
@@thisresinates5655 It gets worse, before it gets better. I've just been to the city where my daughter lives on a work assignment. The hardest thing is to eat dinner alone, knowing she's only a block away, and doesn't want to meet. I read somewhere recently that you have to look upon it as your child is still there, but a toxic monster has kidnapped their personality. 💝
@@thisresinates5655x all
😭 I miss my babies!
I’ve been recently accused of “abusing” my daughter and that I have a “mental illness”, and every disorder that is popular with Tik Tok users. Yet another daughter, we have two has accused me of causing the death of her dad, my husband. What are we to do when we’re accused of things that we did not do? What do we do when they’re wanting us to apologize for things that we didn’t do? There is no way I’m gonna admit to abuse that I never did.
I am so very sorry for your situation. Dr. Coleman says in a couple of videos here that we can apologize for what they think happened.
@@FamiliesDividedTV thank you I still have more videos to watch. And I guess it would all depend on the way the apology would be.
@@Jade_902 everyone's situation is somewhat the same, but then yet somewhat different. Please videw the videos and get peace about what is best for you.
They are pressured to come up with crazy stories about you and rewarded when they do.
Hi Jade, I was accused of having mental illness as well. While in EMDR therapy, I read the book of the founder of this therapy, and found part of my story in one of the cases. Was this divine revelation? Just this past week.
I was very fearful of child labor. I had a 32 hr labor, while my doctor believed I was intentionally delaying the labor process because of my fear. Then when my daughter was born, there was a blood incompatibility, my type O+ blood reacting to her type A. The baby became jaundiced and had to be put under a UV light for 7 days. I saw the baby 1-2 x per day for maybe 1/2 hr because Nicole had to be put back under the light. Then when the baby came home she developed colic - that lasted 6 months. Also Eczema.
I remember during the colic days I felt no love for this perpetually crying baby. I cried also and begged the baby to stop crying, then I would put her in car and drive around. It seemed to calm her. During a bad moment I thought that if I gave up the baby for adoption, my nightmare would end. Then I felt guilty of the thoughts. The colic stopped miraculously. I was so happy!!!!
I was in an alcoholic marriage, but did not know that was the real problem. High conflict. I was an insane person… after the divorce, my daughter said to my girlfriend that she never felt my love.
My daughter was a lovely child, but I could tell there was something that distracted her from school work, etc.
I read books saying that babies such as my daughter could have difficulty with attaching to the mother.
My ex- husband used to say I was crazy in front of the children. He was super kind to my daughter, but physically abusive to me.
Her father passed away. But I continued to complain about him to people. It got back to my daughter. My daughter had never insulted me on social media, which I am fortunate for, but one day after I complained about her father, she said she never wanted to see me again. This was 12 years ago. So, what is the lesson here? I just came across information that is key to why I am estranged. I had forgotten.
After taking many courses with Dr Coleman, I realized I was not healed from my previous marriage and was looking for support everywhere- complaining about my husband… that was a big mistake….. I had wonderful well behaved children who did not take drugs… I am so fortunate, despite the estrangement.
I really need to heal myself from my past traumas, first- before I can be reconciled with my daughters. I now also attend Al-Anon meetings, which is helping me understand my past conflict marriage. I am so happy I have discovered so many past events and myself. Many times there is no one to blame. It is life flowing through and we are revealed why we are here. I believe when I am healed, my daughters will return, and it will be wonderful. ❤️❤️❤️
I was diagnosed with an illness and my daughter couldn’t care enough about me to keep in touch. I am so hurt and feeling like I meant nothing to her
I am so very sorry for your situation and your illness. Sometimes all that we can do is to trust God. I do understand.
I know your pain. This is cult behavior these kids or adult kids are thoroughly programmed.
I hear you and am sorry. I have had 3 surgeries in the last 7 years. She didn’t care enough to ask about me much less help me.
@@lori6156 I’m sad to hear about your loss because it’s like it’s makes it real for the rest of us who are patiently waiting and hoping for a reunion that may not happen… it is a loss it is a huge loss, and so many people don’t understand and I quick to judge I understand your pain and I’m devastated to lose 3 out of 6 grandchildren I have a bonus daughter who has three children, and I’ve always loved her and she knows that and she would never take away the kids from their/her family. I think it my situation, my firstborn daughter has been influenced by her than boyfriend and his family. They basically took the situation and molded it to their liking into their way of life… At the age of 15 my daughter was 15 when I allowed her to meet with this boy. They’ve been married since they had their first child. Now they have a total of three. I’ve only met one of my daughters children, and she has moved six hours away.
Is there a resource that I can read of how to do this right? With a gaslit adult kid, everything invokes guilt.
His book Rules of Estrangement is good
There are also several videos here for you on this subject. Our website has many articles as well.
How can I get a transcript of this video? IMO it was stellar.
We do not provide those. So sorry.
how sad. what has happened to our society ? I get there are abusive parents where things can't be worked out, changed but for those of us that were good enough or very good parents that this is even a choice in their minds is twisted. My parents were far from perfect, were very human. We worked through things and carried on. No one side should hold all power
I totally agree.
@FlowerPower2928 I totally get what you’re saying about how twisted their minds can be. With my estranged daughter I have gone down a great big rabbit hole to which there is no end. I agreed to do therapy with her and then she says that it’s too late for that. she had no complaints about me while growing up. And the thing is she never complains about her dad and we both raised her. It’s as if these adult children have found a way to twist, their entire childhood and manipulate, especially the mother.
@@angied1178 "very few parents are willing to acknowledge abuse or their impact on others" How could you possibly know this ?? Do you have nationwide statistics ? What do you consider abuse ? Not everyone's experience is yours so just don't
@@angied1178 What do all of these estranged adult children even define as “abuse”? My kids grew up in the 90’s, when CPS was running rampant. The majority of parents that I knew at the time were terrified that there kids would be taken away. So a lot of kids got no discipline at all. Discipline, I’m not talking “abuse” as in being slapped, punched or having one’s head smashed against the wall. Parents were afraid to swat a kid on the rear end. Our form of “punishment” or “discipline” (which I honestly didn’t have to do often) was no TV, or no friends over for a day. Simple like that just to get the message across that it’s not ok to call mom an “idiot”, or it’s not ok to flush your sisters toy down the toilet. These Estranged Adult Kids seem to have completely twisted their childhood. They are heavily influenced by social media; “Life Coaches” that have absolutely no business trying to behave like a real psychologist that has an actual degree - these “Life Coaches” charge way more than any LCSW charges before insurance. My own ED has a masters degree is LCSW, thru away her degree and is taking the “easy road” of sucking others into her “Life Coaching” practice where now SHE is telling others that “all hurt comes from your parents”. It’s so much easier to stay the “victim” where you get people rallying around you on social media where you all can cry and moan to each other of how horrible mom was because she hurt your feelings. How do I know these things? Because off and on for the past 8 years one or both daughters have been estranged. Never willing to really talk and work things out. I’ve also been involved in several estranged parents groups both online and at church.
My father was a WWII Navy veteran. I was an only child. He was a verbally abusive alcoholic, bigoted and neglectful. He also loved me as best he could, sang funny songs and loved animals. He worked his tail in a gas station for 25 years to provide, and invested to create a comfortable retirement and an inheritance for me. I was terribly hurt by him, but never once thought of “cutting ties” or totally abandoning him. When he died, I grieved deeply. I am so glad I knew and loved him, and grateful for all he sacrificed - for me, and our country. One of my sons was estranged with me for two years. I did my very best to raise him in a loving family, but I made some mistakes and was not perfect. I tried, very much. We are still not close, but talk occasionally. I cannot imagine cutting ties with a parent or adult child. It is the most painful experience! Second only to a spouse’s betrayal. 😔
I had to stop looking for my kids so they would stop getting punished for it.
thank you. very helpful.
So glad it was helpful
As honest as this advice sounds it also seems to be pandering to this millennium false fragility paradigm. They all pretend to be so triggered. It's like unpleasant sensations are taboo now. This is disastrous! They will feel pain. Fact. Trying to avoid it all the time does not build resilience at all.
Yeah this is exactly the kind of selfishness that makes adult children bail on you as quickly as they possiblepy can. You sound like you own these people. Absolutely disgusting. Grow up. You’re a toddler that had kids who outgrew you.
Millennials are overage teenagers.
Never made the emotional leap to adulthood.
Pity I didn't hear this two weeks ago before I tried to "fix" my relationship with my daughter and just made it worse
Perhaps you can try again.
@@FamiliesDividedTV Actually I've come to realise that won't do either of us any good because at the moment she seems to have degressed into being a teenager and sees herself as more valuable, of more worth, than the people around her who love and support her.. Or seems completely oblivious to the way she treats people like they are there for her convenience. She recently stayed at her grandmother's house so she could catch up with friends in her old town and didn't even stop in to have a meal. She just treated Mum's house as free accommodation. A similar situation happened when I stayed at her place for two nights and offered to cook dinner one night. Instead of coming home when she said she'd be home, when I had timed dinner to be ready, she never showed up because she had decided to head off after work to hang out with friends and later after she eventually arrived home, warmed up her dinner and said thanks in an offhand manner as though she was being served by me like I was Uber Eats or something. Grovelling back to her now would only reinforce her current elevated sense of self importance and do nothing good in terms of improving the familial relationship between us. I think that I need to stop treating her like the sun shines out of her you know what.
@@JGalegria damn you sound like a selfish mother projecting on her kid for your own shortcomings. She’s better off without you and vice versa. Let it be and you’ll both be happier.
Can someone contact me I need to vent 😭
Christina, you may email me at familyaccessinnc@aol.com
I think it’s important to distinguish between alienation and estrangement. Josh Coleman doesn’t do this, and that’s a big problem with his presentation here
He has in other presentations that he has given for us.
@@FamiliesDividedTV thank you for clarifying. I’m a huge fan of this channel.
@@tonyuzan7171 so welcome! And thank you for those kind words. Please tell others about us. We want to help as many people as we can.
Just realise that they don't want to have anything to do with you.
How is this helpful? Estranged parents KNOW this but if you are a parent, it's not easy to accept and just move on from.
@@zzzbbbooo It is helpful to the people you are trying to force an unwanted relationship on. Respect their boundaries.
Disappointing and unhelpful vid
Perhaps you may want to view it again.
I found this video very helpful. We might not like it but these are the facts of the world we are living in now. Very different from the world we grew up in.
@@joysnow7182 I am so glad it was helpful to you. I hope you get to view more of our videos and subscribe.
smh this dude out there enabling abusers. sad