How to Rebuild Trust After Infidelity: Become Reliable
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- čas přidán 30. 06. 2021
- “Respect is given, but trust is earned.” Rick says this a lot at EMS Weekend, and it’s absolutely true. After infidelity, the wayward spouse cannot just ask their mate to trust them; they need to prove they are trustworthy. So where can they start? By being reliable. Today, Samuel discusses the importance of reliability in recovery and shares tips for how to rebuild trust after infidelity.
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ON-CAMERA EXPERT: Infidelity survivor and Affair Recovery Survivors’ Blog contributor Samuel.
“How to Rebuild Trust After Infidelity: Become Reliable.” Survivors’ Blog video by Affair Recovery (C) 2021
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Years ago I was unfaithful and i still hate myself for it. I never imagined i could be the person to hurt my wife so badly. I'm at the end of your video now in tears. I really appreciate this video. It gives me some hope. Thank you.
I fell into a brief inappropriate texting relationship with a classmate of mine. It got out of hand and towards the end sexual and my fiancé found these texts. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself, all I see is the heart that I shattered and for what? Some reassurance that I was still desirable to other people after 7 years in a happy relationship? I’ve been watching videos like this all week and I still just feel so much anguish I can’t even imagine what my fiancé is going through. He has decided to try and forgive me and have us move on, but I’m scared that at any moment he can leave me and I will have no right to fight it. I really don’t know what came over me, but I’m going to be there for him as much as I possibly can to prove to him that he can still rely on me. Praying for the betrayed and betrayers of the world to heal. ❤
Can you give an update about what you did?
I am literally in the same situation as you right now
Same exact thing here. Updates? I feel like I’m seeing some progress but some of the comments are scary. I’m owning everything, apologizing and doing everything I can to let her know she’s my priority and all I want. I’m just scared she will leave and never forgive me.
😊😊😊
I did the same thing when I was at my lowest when my wife was brutal to me. Yet we made it nearly 7 years, and she has chosen to never forgive me. Even after so many trials that I have forgiven. I wish mine would try again.
@@cm62390 Be your best self. Consistency, transparency, honesty & communication with clarity. The tiniest little thing matters. BUT if they are to forgive then you the work and evolve. No one wants to leave unless there’s abuse or serial infidelity. Use your chance to redeem yourself. Godspeed.
I’m an unfaithful and this hit so hard right in my heart. Thank you God for this channel.
so glad I could help.
Wow good timing. The biggest obstacle for me is trying and wanting to trust my wife so we can just move on. And then I catch her in a couple lies today. Just stupid lies. Yep, immediately back to zero. And she doesn’t understand why. Why can the betrayed see how important truth and no deception is but the unfaithful squanders progress on stupid deceptions that can be easily verified. BIG SIGH!
i'm so sorry...often times they need an objective third party to help them understand what their lies, half truths etc do to the betrayed.
My situation was very much the same. Eventually it became clear to me that I would never be able to trust my (now ex) wife.
This video was the hug of understanding that I needed. My boyfriend said to me yesterday “you never gonna trust me again, just admit it” I said why are you asking and expecting trust so bad. I said trust is the reason we are back at square one. It seems he wants trust more than love, or respect. But why? To do what with my trust when he had it multiple times and broke it every single one of those times. He’s not focused on being reliable he’s mad that he doesn’t have my blind trust again.
In my opinion you will never get the trust back to its original form. Once you have accepted they are capable of infidelity that kind of trust is gone. If you want to work it out and move past it together, then you have to accept that partner has been unfaithful and has the ability to make that choice again. We as the betrayed know that, and accept it or not. I did not accept it. My wife was unfaithful, so to me she was not the person for me. Some may disagree with my decision, maybe God disagrees, but it's my life and I deserved better.
Living the same.
I want to make it work with my boyfriend who cheated on me because he was very unhappy in the relationship, and never communicated it to me. Fear of us arguing or me getting defensive as I usually would. It’s been a month since he confessed and showed remorse but I’m not sure if I can accept that he may cheat again, though he’s putting in the work and telling me he will never do it again after he realized the pain he’s caused. Any advice?
@@Hisarahkim im on the similar boat. I think that if you feel in your heart that the relationship is worth it, give it a chance. But don't put all your energy into it until you have made amends with your decision and forgiven them truly. Honestly try to let it go and forgive yourself and them that way resentment doesnt start building up. For me ive voiced to my partner that i will be needing reassurance and if he is willing to do that without getting annoyed. So voice your needs dont be afraid to ask for what you want during this grieving process
Best of luck girly💕
Also don't let other ppl tell you otherwise from what you feel in your heart or make you feel dumb. At the the end of the day it is your relationship you're the one in it
@@Hisarahkim I am in the same boat. My wife was unfaithful to me because we would fight a lot, and we were stuck in a financial hole that my abusive father put us into. We both felt trapped, and both escaped that depression and desperation to just *feel* in different ways. I was angry, and got angry, lashing out at the situation and we fought a lot.
She confided in a creep online that she knew for 2 months that tried to creep on her, then got caught. We had him blocked, then she told me he was fine and messed up. I only found out two days ago that they had been sexting and ERPing for a month...
Forgiving was hard. Im still raw in it now, but that need for reassurance is key. She got irritated with me a bit that I needed it, but I told her, look, you hurt me. You knew I was betrayed by people in my life, and STILL chose to do it anyway, with some loser that didn't even know you. She realized that this guy was using her, most kitty chasers online are, and we left him ex communicated in the dust. If he stays there time will tell, I pray he does. However this will take time.
My solace is that when her parents came down to visit us things seemed like old times, so I have faith that once we get back to our old home state, around family she loves, things wont be as bad. We both are hurting and wanted to fill a void, and we both realize we messed up. And that is the first step man, confess to wrongdoings.
Godspeed man.
@liddobear1125 for me a year later am having problems trusting my husband who betrayed me when we lived separately. We are now separated again same country where the affair took place. He lied alot when he the affair and can't get some of those lies out of my head. I am scared that he might do it again now that am not around. This is the reason it's for me to trust him. Am not going to have sex without protection until we are able to live together again.
Being reliable and consistent and responsible speaks to stability. Stability is a facet to a sense of safety and security. This so goes in tandem with honesty, transparency, and an approachable attitude. Huge!
I lost my husband as he wasn't able to understand and apply this concepts. I was the crazy one asking for stupid this, the one that couldn't get over it and blindly trust again even when he proved over and over he was not reliable exactly as you explained in the video. I had to ask him to leave for good.
I would say that you didn’t lose him. He ran away. He chose to run instead of getting help. No one should be expected to blindly trust anyone. It’s impossible. I’m sorry he didn’t see your worth or his own.
i'm so sorry for the pain you're in and processing through. you can heal though and you can find new life in your own journey. it's vital you find support for you and your own healing. we have groups on our site that can help as well as an expert therapist or trauma expert as well.
I was unfaithful. And i feel confident that i will never be unfaithful again. Its definitely been a challenge being the unfaithful. Because even though i would never be unfaithful again. There are still emotions and thoughts that are hard for me to be open up about with her. I never realized that being in a relationship meant that i would have to reveal my deepest secrets of myself. Secrets that i even avoid thinking about. Secrets that ive had before me and her were even together.
Praying for you brother, relationships really do bring out the deepest parts of ourselves we never knew existed, even years into the relationship. I also was unfaithful and am dedicating my life to proving to him that it will never even come close to happening again. It wasn’t even that I was unhappy in the relationship, he’s amazing. I really just was selfish and couldn’t say no to temptation. I pray both of our relationships can heal and grow. ❤
@@anabrr1123 beautifully said. Hope that forgiveness is with you.
Thank you so much for this message. I wish my unfaithful spouse would be like this now and when the infidelity came out. It would have healed so much hurt. When there is defensiveness and self righteousness it only heaps more pain on top of the wounds that are there already.
True
Thanks for this. Appreciate so much you speaking, having been the betrayer. So so powerful. Thank u Jesus for the truth. Keep speaking it. There is so much freedom in the truth.
thank you for the support my friend.
Excellent video. Thank u. But I also think respect is earned too. I can't give respect to someone if they aren't doing things worthy of respect
Tony Robbins says 'if you cant - you must"
This hit home. Thank you.
Currently pregnant and hospitalized, even tho my fiancé has been by my side through everything, he decided to cheat on me. Probably being the most painful feeling I’ve ever felt, because I can’t show much emotion because it will stress the baby. My fiancé is remorseful and hurt by his actions, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to trust and love him Again
I'm in a similar situation now. Worried that this experience has caused damage to my baby.
I hope the remainder of your pregnancy went smoothly and your baby is healthy
Thanks so much. Unbelievably helpful
Brilliant...." words aren't enough "
Thank you for this message. You have validated all my feelings and concerns about my husband. Your message hit home for me.
i'm so glad.
Thank you so much for these videos. They have helped my spouse and I so much. They help me communicate to him how to get through this horrific time.
Do you watch this videos with him? Or do you watch this and communicate your needs.
Im an unfaithful. It is probbaly too late for me, I just pray that I get the chance to show her I have changed.
As always Sam a great video full of truth. Wish my unfaithful would be reliable
Thank you I needed to watch this to start the recovery process. I am the betrayed and send this to the unfaithful.
Much love! This is a wonderful video. Thank you
back at you my friend and thank you for the kind words.
Well done
So true! Thank you so much Samuel for all the good you have done and continue to do 🙂. May ALLAH swt (I am muslim) bless you and your loved ones and give you more and more opportunities to help others.
thank you so much.
I've watched several videos on this topic from your channel and the common factor is couples that chose to stay together. Can you make a video for the betrayed trying to trust in new relationships? This has been a huge struggle for me. Thanks! Love the channel.
I found that joining a group like Living-Truth’s Women in the Battle helps. They don’t judge you or tell you what to do. It’s a group of other women who are where you are helping each other. So trust building.
@@Webbgurl2000 thank you, Tu. ❤
Bars not a place for an unfaithful period, alcohol is normalized and many unfaithfuls are alcoholics
As a betrayed who is trying to work out things with my fiancee, I must say you guys have already given us so much great advise, this is another great example! I believe that an unfaithful partner might be overwhelmed with the emotional chaos that comes along with an affair and might out of helplessness not be able to see how important reliability and transparency are for both of us to recover and heal. I know I feel so much safer and calm if I know about my spouses plans, even if sometimes things happen and change...
More excellent points and applicable advice. I really need to remember the points about NOT taking offense to critical comments and lack of trust from my betrayed spouse…I wouldn’t trust me either, and with so many horror stories of guys giving up, relapsing, or faking recovery in her woman’s groups, I can totally understand her skepticism…reliable…that’s what I can commit to while working my recovery. Thank you Sam!
my pleasure.
I would love to share this with my spouse whose first language is not English. For some reason, the subtitles on this particular video seem to be coming from some kind of tech talk and not at all related to the content. We have watched some of your other videos and the English to Korean translation works well. I'm not sure if perhaps there was a transcription of some kind mistakenly attached to this video. In any case, having been only around 10 days since finding out about the situation, it would be really helpful to be able to share this video as it addresses many of the things I am thinking. Thank you so much for all of the helpful content.
Hi, i have been watching heaps of these, and they are all so relevant, but im in QLD Australia and is there any relationship people here who you would reccomend. On line as i am in country town, ive looked at a couple but noone seems to go as deep as your counselling. I need to be healed deeply, so does my partner. You have no idea how much tbis has helped me, THANKYOU, FOR BEING BRAVE ENOUGH TO PUT THIS OUT THERE. YOUR WIFE IS AMAZING AS WELL.
you can email me at info@hope-now.com and we'll see what we can do to find you some help my friend. thank you for the kind words.
We are headed for therapy together. He never cheated. He stalked me, and did literally everything but hit me when I left. I did go back on the basis he has been in therapy for a year. We have a looong list of random betrayals. I’m not sure most times if this is good to try. He does want very much to grow.
I used to give my wife so much crap about how much I did for her, she's extremely sensitive relying on anyone these days.
He did this to me many times when I had a real reason to be hurt. It’s a huge act of trust when I let him do things for me now.
I would like you to make a video about separation anxiety when the unfaithful goes on trips, It completely kills me I experience a such strong physical reaction I feel like just dying, I can’t even look at my kids I stay away from my family.
That sounds horrible
I would like to add don’t punish or shut down on the other person for feeling how they feel.
This is dead on.
I saw an old video today which mentioned you were writing a book. Did you ever finish it, and if so, where is it available?
not yet, thank you for asking.
Asking for advice from the betrayed standpoint. I want to fix my marriage. We have 2 kids and I promised forever.. my wife swears She is committed to working on this. Yet I feel I'm the one doing the research on how to heal...
My heart is so broken. This was my biggest nightmare as I suffered through this as a child.. my mom did this to my dad over and over and when i met my wife I never in a million years imagined this would happen.
How can I trust her again? How can I be calm and have any peace in my heart when everytime I close my eyes all I can see is him and his his hands on my wife?
I feel hopeless.
This guy is good
I fear trusting her again...
My gut says, it will only bring suffering...
..I am certain...
My heart goes out to you. It takes time and can’t be rushed if it can be recovered at all. For me it has been very gradual and that’s with my husband doing his very best every day for both himself and our marriage for the past 2.5 years and being reliable and dependable. They have to show you every single day and even then it’s in the back of your mind…it doesn’t ever completely go away. I wish you peace.
this is a great read when it comes to trusting again my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust you have every right to feel what you're feeling...it's normal and to be expected. try that article and see what you think.
All her cheating but says is..." I have to do what he says now".... lol
So what should be done if your partner is a pathological liar and a serial cheater who gets offended when you question their lies or catch them red handed?
I want to make it work with my boyfriend who cheated on me because he was very unhappy in the relationship, and never communicated it to me. His fears of us arguing or me getting defensive as I usually would. He couldn’t communicate his feelings of suffocation in the relationship because he also had an abusive childhood and learned to keep shut when others get angry. It’s been a month since he confessed and showed remorse but I’m not sure how to ever trust him or even sure if I can stick it out and be with him, though he’s putting in the work and telling me he will never do it again after realizing the pain he’s caused. He already cheated on me and that’s all that’s on my mind.. even if we can both put in the work and heal, he was still capable and willing to cheat in the past. Any advice?
you guys still working on?
I am in a similar pinch. My wife did this to me. I also come from an abusive household. My father is a drunk abusive person. He invited us back to my home state. He then screwed us for years financially. Our credit ended up shot, our lives spiraled, we got into arguments, and turned on each other.
We found some enjoyment in playing an online MMO together, it has only been in existence for a few months. She told me a couple months ago that some creep messaged her and was asking about her character in her PFP, hopping in her DMs and asking if she had a "big booty".
I found out due to her telling me she was grossed out, so we agreed to block this guy, and things went along for weeks. One day like a month later she asked me if it was ok to unblock him. Said he was just high and stupid. He apologized to me, said it was a mistake. I then messed up. I said it was ok but he isnt going to come into our online community.
Then I get a wakeup call that she tells me that he wasnt just a "bestie for restie". He was a creep after all. He the entire past month had been ERPing them, the entire time coaxing her to leave me. The entire month sending her dick pics and asking her to send him pictures of her. She even tried to bait me into taking pictures of her that granted we didnt, but she was going to send to him...
We have been talking for 48 hours. We want to make it work. We realize that both of us acting out, me with anger and her with infidelity and lying were due to wanting to "feel" something that we didnt get from each other, from being in a low point for so long due to our place in life financially and otherwise that we just, sought it out elsewhere.
We are going to couples therapy, we are spending more time together and less time apart. We are talking more, not being afraid to talk anymore. Communicate. Own the hurt, learn from it and grow from it. If the love you felt at the start was TRULY a "in sickness and in health" thing, that includes mental heath issues. Trust again, it will take time, but if you both TRULY regret what happened, and TRULY love each other. Then love will find a way.
I pray for you, good luck.
Shidddd. This therapist i had said that.
Why ask her for her phone?
How can my exboyfriend trust me again
it's a process...it requires getting help and using the right resources. This article will help as well: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust